MARCH 21 2019: Part seven is done.
High school reunions happen less and less frequently these days, and as my 10th year reunion approaches this year, I show a few more reasons why it isn’t the best idea as the saga continues.
(LOGAN stands up and casually walks over to MINNIE’s table with drink in hand.)
(MINNIE and company do not acknowledge LOGAN but are aware of his presence.)
LOGAN (knowing his voice can be too quiet at times significantly increases the volume): Heeeeeeeey Minnie!
MINNIE: Oh. Hi?
LOGAN: Can I talk to you for a minute?
(LOGAN stands awkwardly expecting company to move up and out of their chairs momentarily, but no one budges. MINNIE shrugs confused. LOGAN is now confused.)
LOGAN: Oh, you want to talk here?
MINNIE (even more confused, her eyebrows cave in on her eyes): Yeah.
LOGAN: OK. Ummmmm, how have you been?
LOGAN (chuckling, scratching the back of his head): I mean I should ask “what have you been doing the past ten years?”
LOGAN: On the island?
(There is another pause. MINNIE’s company talks to each other and looking at their smartphones as if nothing awkward is happening at their own table.)
LOGAN: What else have you been up to?
MINNIE: Just work, pretty much.
LOGAN: That’s the longest sentence I’ve been able to get out of you. Do you still not like me or not want to talk to me all that much?
MINNIE (rolls her eyes): Logan–
LOGAN: No no, it’s fine. Whatever. After ten years I just wanted to briefly catch up and not have you feel like I was ignoring you–
MINNIE: Logan. Have we talked at all in ten years?
MINNIE: Will we talk after the reunion tomorrow?
LOGAN: Judging by the response right now, I’m gonna slide it into the ‘Probably not’ column.
MINNIE: So why do we have to make small talk tonight?
LOGAN: I dunno. I’ve always liked catching up with old friends. I’m not super into nostalgia, but–
MINNIE: But are we friends?
LOGAN: You know what? I think I need to go outside.
LOGAN: No no no, whatever. We don’t need to talk.
COMPANY (to MINNIE): Who was that? What was her problem?
MINNIE: Eh, nothing.
(LOGAN goes outside with his empty drink.)
LOGAN: Logan, just wait for the ice to melt and it’s second drink. It’s what Pam Beasley would do. I can’t believe they are trying to bring back The Office repeatedly or do a spin-off with Dwight. If Steve Carell isn’t in it, the project should be stopped in its tracks. And–what’s that?
(LOGAN hears voices from the parking lot and a trunk of a car closing. He peers around to see JERED on his knees; DOUG and TARA are standing over him as they lean against the back of their car.)
LOGAN: Oh! Jered! I forgot to tell him he sounds like the guy who does some of the vocals in “Ooooh It’s Kinda Crazy” by SoulDecision. The guy doesn’t have any solo spots in “Faded” for some reason. I guess Thrust’s cameo bumped him from the song.
(JERED stares at the ground.)
DOUG: Why are we here, Jered?
TARA (hissing in JERED’s face): Look at us when we speak!
(JERED nervously looks up.)
JERED: I. . .I don’t know.
(DOUG backhands JERED across the face.)
DOUG: Don’t make a fool of me. Why are we here?
(JERED hesitates to answer. Stuttering.)
JERED: Because. . .B-b-because of some money.
DOUG Some money, buddy?!
TARA (hissing): Try a hundred grand!
JERED: I didn’t think the Leafs would win, okay? It seemed like a sure thing!
DOUG: Well, you did it with my money and now it’s time to pay up. Are you finally gonna pay up?
JERED: I-I-I can pay, I just need more time.
DOUG: More time. I gave you enough time. I have mouths to feed. Bills to pay. That 42-karat diamond isn’t going to pay for itself, bitch.
JERED: Soon! Just need more time and you can have it all!
DOUG: I’d like to believe that, but my constituents aren’t so patient.
TARA: This isn’t a fairy tale, Jered. You made a fool of my husband dodging him the past month. Now we catch you here. One way or another you’re gonna pay.
DOUG: Say Jered, have you been to the dentist lately?
JERED: Ummm, uhhh, two months ago?
DOUG: Open your mouth.
(JERED is confused and opens his mouth. DOUG examines it.)
DOUG: Hmmm, looks like somebody needs an emergency root canal.
JERED: What? The dentist said my teeth are perfectly fine.
(DOUG tsks tsks.)
DOUG: Mmmmm, I’m afraid not. That’s one good thing for you. I can finally fix your teeth. Tara, can you open up the trunk?
(TARA quickly opens the trunk.)
DOUG: Can you handle me my special tool for emergency procedures?
(TARA grabs a set of golf clubs, and pulls out a 9-Iron and hands it to DOUG.)
TARA: Here you go, sweetie.
DOUG (contemplating what is in his hand): Hmmmmm, this will do the job. Perfect. OK, Jered, open wide. Say ahhh.
JERED (confused by the golf club, plays along): Ahhhhhhhh.
(DOUG swings the golf club as hard as he can and chips out two of JERED’s teeth.)
LOGAN: Holy shit! He just got Teila Tulli’d! Holy hell, Doug and Tara aren’t the whitest couple after all.
(LOGAN has a flashback to his Kurt Cobain comment in part three.)
LOGAN: Wow, glad I left that table early!
DOUG: Shhh! This is a free procedure. Now can I have my money? Tara every day says ‘honey, where is the money? Are you gonna get the money? Honey, I’m starving.’ So you gonna stop fucking around and give me my money right now?
JERED Ahhhhhhh. I just can’t today. Please. More time. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. I can’t believe you did that!
(JERED is spitting up a lot of blood and starts sobbing. Blood is all over his shirt.)
(DOUG pretends to look sympathetic and puts away the golf club.)
DOUG: Sorry Jered, this is just business. These are part of the Whiterules. Now, I am a reasonable man. You clearly don’t have the money. I won’t chase you anymore. I have a heart. I think we are done.
(JERED tries to stand up instantly but TARA holds him back to his knees.)
DOUG: . . .Except you just have to do one more thing.
DOUG: Hmmmmm, Tara what should he do for us? He’s had a tough time already.
(TARA ponders, but already knows what it will be. She leans into JERED’s ear.)
TARA (whispering into JERED’s ear): Suck. His. Taint.
(TARA stands beside DOUG.)
TARA (hissing more than ever): You heard me. Suck his taint! Or do you want another emergency dental procedure, and we raid your house for everything it’s worth? And you still owe the money? You suck his taint, and everything goes away.
(JERED cries louder than ever.)
DOUG: Stop crying like a baby. You aren’t saying yes. Tara, grab me another emergency dental tool, please.
JERED (sweating and bleeding): Wait!
(LOGAN is grossed out and runs away in front of Papa John’s.)
LOGAN: Shit. Wow. I’m glad I am not that guy.
(LOGAN wipes the sweat from his forehead.)
LOGAN: Is that why Doug and Tara are here for the reunion? Are they just playing loan shark collection on folks around here? Granted I haven’t seen anyone else’s teeth look like that here. Euck. Or have blood-stained shirts. Or smell like taint breath.
TARA (distant hissing): Now lick your fingers!
LOGAN: Jesus Christ. Well, there’s only one person I know who has more connections to the Thug Life, and can intimidate any man, woman, child, and Matheson. We need a balance of power here.
(we cut to LOGAN in front of somebody’s house.)
LOGAN: Phew. Luckily it was just a couple blocks away. Where’s the doorbell?
(LOGAN sees the doorbell is about twelve feet up the side of the house. He notes a neighbouring house only a few feet across the yard.)
LOGAN: Well, if Super Mario 64 has taught me anything. . .
(LOGAN starts wall jumping between the two houses until he rings the doorbell.)
LOGAN: Yahoo! Waka! Oooh-hoo!
(LOGAN successfully rings the doorbell.)
LOGAN: Here we go!
(LOGAN returns to the ground in front of the door. Steps are heard as the door opens. It’s ANDREA CHUTNEY.)
ANDREA: What are you doing here Logan Saunders?
LOGAN: I know you work in the hospital. I know through all of the overdoses you see that you have connections to the worst and most unfiltered of this community. I need your help. It involves Taint-Mouth. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t important.
ANDREA: OK. Tell me more.
LOGAN (high-pitched voice): Tell me more, tell me more, tell me more, Grease Grease Lightning.
ANDREA: No Travolta-ing!
LOGAN: Ah fuck. One day ‘Drea, Imma be a star!
(LOGAN goes inside and the door shuts.)
BILL COSBY: Ohohoho! Looks like Jered is going to need some Listerine after this scene ohohoho! The Whiterules are in full effect, but it looks like that Logan Young’Un did some quick thinking and recruited the help of an old friend. And how was he able to jump so well despite being that liquored? White guys can’t jump! And Logan needs to stop being socially awkward around girls he used to like. If she don’t wanna talk to to you, they don’t have to, Logan! Well, he’s got a lot o’ growing up to do but he’s doing his best! What random and unexpected are we gonna see next? Who the hell is SoulDecision? I didn’t get that reference! Alright you kids behave as we wait for part seven! Hey hey hey!
(LOGAN is at the top of the stairs holding in his lower back.)
LOGAN: Geez. Not even Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain slept with this many women in one day. My apologies, ‘Drea. I think I was just firing blanks at the end.
(LOGAN suddenly lies on his back in the hallway.)
LOGAN: Spasms! Spasms! Spasms!
(ANDREA walks down the hallway in her black leather bodysuit.)
ANDREA: Oh, I wasn’t that rough.
LOGAN: Oh, it wasn’t you. I just have bad endurance and a weak back. Don’t feel like you did anything special. The only trophy in this case is a participation trophy. Ah, I need to be boosted up.
(ANDREA picks LOGAN up and cradles him in his arms. She carries him down the steps to the front door.)
ANDREA: Alright, I made the calls. Vernon’s baddest in the drug trade are going to start a feud with the Whiterules. Just don’t do anything fucking dumb to get yourself caught in the crossfire.
LOGAN (being very casual about being cradled in ANDREA’s arms): Eh, I have to do something to incite the crowd -a little.- But yeah, best we not go back to the Longhorn. To the Kal! Worst case scenario a drunken fight breaks out that doesn’t last more than fifteen seconds.
ANDREA: You mean something that finishes faster than you?
(They exit and are on the front porch.)
LOGAN: Can you put me down? I think I am getting hives from my skin rubbing against your black leather bodysuit.
(ANDREA puts LOGAN down. He dusts himself off. LOGAN points at the doorbell.)
LOGAN: Why do you make people wall jump to ring your doorbell?
ANDREA: What wall jump?
(ANDREA casually touches the doorbell without having to go on tippy-toes or anything. LOGAN nods.)
LOGAN: Oh. I see. Do many people ring your doorbell.
ANDREA: Not in fifteen years. That’s what got my attention. Usually people do a really low knock at the door that is super quiet.
LOGAN: OK. So, I am somewhat intoxicated. Kal would be a bit of a walk. I suggest we call a cab–
ANDREA: I’m sober.
LOGAN: Oh shit. Right. Forgot people don’t get drunk before ten o’ clock. To the Dremobile!
(TYSON SASSI exits a house across the street.)
LOGAN: But first, holy shit it’s Tyson Sassi! ‘Drea, I’ll catch up! I’m riding dirty with this guy!
(ANDREA puts on dark sunglasses, hops into the front of her black Ferrari, and speeds off past Fulton High School.)
(TYSON keeps walking to his car and pretends to not hear LOGAN’s voice.)
LOGAN: Tyson Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssi! What up, dawg?! Yo dawg! Where homeboy at?!
(LOGAN sprints across the street and clings to TYSON’s back to give him a hug–TYSON ignoring LOGAN backfired.)
TYSON: Ooph! (pretending to be friendly) What’s up, Logi Bear?
LOGAN: Not much Sass Man. In Philippines they call me Pogi Bear!
TYSON (confused): Pogi? Isn’t that what they called welfare in Canada in the early 1900s. Fuck. I should’ve never let you tutor me in Canadian history. If my parents walked in ten seconds later that day when the chair was kicked out from under me and I had the rope tight around my neck–
LOGAN: Pogey OR the dole would be acceptable answers, Sass Man! No, this “pogi” means handsome in Tagalog! No more Canadian history for you Tyson, you can “Tag along” with my lessons in “Tagalog”! Seriously, the women down there looooove me. You have no idea how many of them wanted to have sex with me for less than twenty bucks! Here I would have to pay at least fifty!
(TYSON checking and texting on his phone.)
TYSON: Ah yeah–
LOGAN: And where is Tyler Zellers? I’m soooo sad he didn’t get to grad with us! He looked like a better-looking Shia LaBeouf when we went to school! I have never been into dudes, but man, if every other dude was chiseled and curly-haired like Tyler Zellers. . .sign me up! I’ll happily switch teams!
(TYSON’s lips twitch.)
TYSON: Erm, uh, ok, bro. I gotta run–
LOGAN: No you don’t. I’ll pay you twenty bucks if we can have just a quick game of Sassy Tyson’s Punchout.
LOGAN: You remember? You try to teach me how to fight, but every time you just beat the shit out of me in Science class.
TYSON (pretending to remember): Yeah, you were always a pussy. Twenty bucks? Deal, bro.
LOGAN: Well, I’m ready this time!
(The backdrop changes. Suddenly LOGAN and TYSON are wearing boxing gloves and are shirtless. A small crowd gathers around the ring in the street. ESSAU WARTA is the referee.)
ESSAU: I am currently unemployed and this is the only job I have! Three! Two! One! Start punching shit!
(LOGAN and TYSON start faking out with jabs to feel each other out. LOGAN is sweating while TYSON couldn’t be more casual.)
LOGAN: Hey Tyson!
LOGAN (backing off to the ropes and circling): White people, am I right?
TYSON: You’re white, Logan. Has anyone not told you that yet?
LOGAN: I’m kinda white.
TYSON: You’re white.
ESSAU: Action, guys. My boss is watching.
LOGAN: What about the fact I started listening to hip hop when I was eight years old! Do you know how many Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, and OutKast songs I know off by heart! One, two, three, and to the four, Tyson Sassi and Pogi Bear are at the door, ready to bounce one off, cause we know we about to rip shit up, give me the microphone first so I can bust like a bubble, cause ain’t nuthin but a G thang–
TYSON: This makes you even whiter. You wear NES, NBA JAM, and Harry Potter shirts don’t you?
TYSON: Then you’re White.
LOGAN: But I don’t even like White women! I asked out Minnie–
TYSON: Through MSN.
LOGAN (eyeroll): Through MSN, a woman who was one-quarter Scottish, and a random girl for three weeks before I left for my travels. After that I am done. They don’t know how to use their tongue! It’s like they went to Doug’s dental office and got permanent freezing in their tongues! Tongues are meant to move, baby girl! When I kiss them, and things heat up, I feel like my tongue is Michael Phelps doing laps around a swimming pool!
(We briefly cut to DOUG’s dental office and a woman named SASHA MERCEDES-BENTLEY sitting in the chair.)
DOUG: So why is everyone coming in for this procedure.
SASHA: My girls talked about it and they started getting it and then–
(DOUG injects the freezing.)
(TYSON lands a 1-2-3 combination but clearly held back as LOGAN’s face swells a little.)
TYSON: Oh, stop it, Logi.
LOGAN: Pogi or Logan. Or Supacoowacky.
TYSON: Whatever, bro. You try too hard. This is why you never had many friends. You’re a try-hard, Logan. You’re a try-hard.
CROWD: Do something! You gonna take that shit from him?
(We jump into LOGAN’s brain and see a series of memories.)
LOGAN (in CAPP 9): Tyson, did you listen to the new 2Pac album? It’s posthumous album number four!
TYSON (glancing up from a computer): You’re a try-hard.
LOGAN (in SCIENCE 8): Hi my name is Logan. What’s up brotherrrrr?
TYSON: Hahaha, what’s up Try-Hard?
LOGAN (in PLANNING 10): T-Dawg, did you listen to that new remix with Jay-Z?
TYSON: No man, it’s too pop. You’re a Try-Hard.
LOGAN (at graduation): So my parents might finally let me go to a Snoop Dogg concert next year. Wanna go with me? Make a road trip down to Van City, buddy?
TYSON (shakes head): Nah man. It’s a bit far to be a Try-Hard.
(LOGAN hears echoing of TYSON’s words in his head.)
TYSON: Try-hard. Try-hard. Try-hard. Try-hard. Try-hard. Try-hard.
(LOGAN’s body turns red and his teeth clenched.)
LOGAN: I’M NOT A TRY-HARD!!! I DON’T NEED THESE GLOVES BITCH!
(LOGAN throws his gloves onto the mat and launches himself at TYSON Superman style. LOGAN knocks TYSON down with aggressive hooks, and starts stomping on his face. He takes out a knife from his pocket and slices his right arm.)
LOGAN: WHO’S THE TRY-HARD NOW, BITCH!
(LOGAN chucks the knife into the crowd as a souvenir.
CROWD MEMBER: My eye!!!
(ESSAU jumps in to call off the match, brings in a belt and wraps it around LOGAN’s waist.)
ESSAU: Ladies and gentlemen, our NEW champion, with a NEW record of 1-97, Loooooooooooooogan “The Pogi” Saunderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs!!!!!
LOGAN: O’DOYLE RULES! O’DOYLE RULES! 1-97?! Shove that 1-99 record up yo ass, Glass Joe!
(TYSON is attended to by TYLER ZELLERS in the ring who is down. TYLER is bent over. LOGAN runs up to him and slaps his ass.)
LOGAN: Not as satisfying as I thought it was going to be! Now I can confirm I will NEVER switch teams!!!! Nice try, Shia LaBeouf! Yeah! I’m going to the Kal!
(LOGAN shines the ‘TR’ symbol in the sky. TYLER ROGAN screeches as he swoops down and transports LOGAN to The Kal.)
LOGAN: We fly high,
[Logan Saunders Is]
(We cut back to the boxing ring.)
TYSON: Essau! You’re the worst fucking referee!
ESSAU: This was my first match. You guys decided this match on like ten seconds notice. What was wrong?
TYSON: You can’t stab people with a knife in a fucking boxing match! He even flew in flying knees! And I’m pretty sure he did some fishooking after a couple punches. Fuck. My arm.
ESSAU: I dunno. Looked pretty legit to me.
TYSON: No, bro. Fuck! I’m done with Sassy Tyson’s Punchout! I’m gonna retire like Floyd Mayweather and only do matches I know I can win.
ESSAU: Logan was 0-97. Wasn’t that a match you could win–
TYSON: When I stand up I am fucking you up!
BILL COSBY: Looks like them boys have some conflict to clear up! I know you can do it peacefully, boys! Logan is on his way to the Kal on another high as he got laid and won his first ever fist fight! I guess Tyson should’ve anticipated Logan would bring a knife to a fist fight! Sounds like a sore loser to me! The melodrama picks up once again when Logan heads to the Kal. It’s not all just Amar getting his ass kicked and Doug getting his taint licked! And with the Ho Train being threatened with deportation any moment, will Logan find a match on Tinder and take them as a date to grad reunion by tomorrow night? I dunno, but either it’ll be a 50 year old woman pretending to be a 30 year old or a 19 year old pretending to be a 30 year old, or worst of all, a woman who rides horses! Logan can’t date no woman who rides horses! They’re so fucking weird! Alright boys and girls, you behave now! Until part eight! Hey hey hey!