I was super inspired to write a comedy script after a night out in Bali last night. My high school grad class is -actually- having a reunion and couldn’t help write about how it could all play out from my perspective.
LOGAN AND HIGH SCHOOL REUNION MUSICAL
NOTE: I changed everyone’s last names in this script in case they don’t find me as funny as I do when it comes to my jokes. Also, big shoutout to Erik Ryall–if as many people can come together to have Erik’s back when he passed away, I hope if anything else happens to any of the fellow grads that we will support each other too. It’s all about the LOVE baby!
Aight. Let’s get to it. This is a script which takes place after Logan’s trip around the world but prior to the high school reunion just days later. How will everyone react to Logan’s newfound fame and many physical, mental, and emotional changes? Let’s find out!
Also, some of the characters in this story are not in our grad class but have heavy overlap with us. Enjoy?
(We see a montage of news reports on a variety of TVs within Vernon.)
REPORTER #1: Our top story for today–Logan Saunders, the man who set forth to circumnavigate the globe over a period of six months returned home today to a big welcome.
REPORTER #2: Logan Saunders, the Honourable L-O-G-G-Y L-O-Double G sets foot back on Vernon soil.
REPORTER #3: Some eyewitnesses report the trip has gone to his head.
(We see LOGAN SAUNDERS in a hipster hat step off a plane and wave at the camera.)
LOGAN: Kanichiwa, bitches!
(LOGAN makes his way down the steps of the plane.)
LOGAN: Hmmmm, I seem to be forgetting something. . .I think I have some extra cargo on the plane. . .
(LOGAN pretends to scratch his beard and look up to the sky.)
LOGAN: OH! I know! Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Train!
(The Godfather theme from WWF plays.)
LOGAN: I picked up hos! In different area codes!
(A group of scantily dressed women trail behind LOGAN.) Like, we’re talking shorts shorts and legs that are fit af with makeup that isn’t too overdone but it’s not like it is an empty canvas.)
LOGAN: I sure hope your guys’ passports check out!
LATINA LADY: Donde es–
LOGAN: Perdon, senorita–this is my moment.
(We cut to JORDAN MCDONALD sitting in front of her TV with five other women.)
JORDAN: Fuck. Logan’s on our TV.
JORDAN’S PARTNER: Who is Logan?
JORDAN: Ehhhhhhh, it’s a long story. He just bitches about everything.
(We cut back to the TV at the airport.)
LOGAN: I have nothing to bitch about! Life is goooooood! Toast to the good life!
I go for mine,
Cause I got to shine,
(LOGAN and the HOS put their hands up.)
LOGAN: Now put your hands up to the sky!
Imma get on this TV mama
Imma put this shit down
(LOGAN and the hos make their way into the Arrival Zone as REPORTER #4 storms him.)
REPORTER #4: I am here on the ground with Logan Saunders. Logan, are the rumours true?
LOGAN: What rumours? I’m Logan Mothafuckin Saunders. You’re going to have to be more specific.
REPORTER #4: Is it true you now treat everyone with a degree of respect and don’t bother bitching about everything unless you can see a positive side to it to balance it out?
LOGAN: Let me put it this way to you Reporter #4, ain’t no party like a Supacoowacky Party cause the Supacoowacky Party don’t stahhhhhhp! It’s a party on the west coast–west coast.
REPORTER #4: And what happens when your fifteen minutes is up and the party DOES stop?
LOGAN: Well, it’s safe to say these lovely ladies will always be here to support me. If the party stops, not only do they have AMAZING personalities, but they also have AMAZING juicy booooooties!
(THE HO TRAIN angles their booties for the cameras as LOGAN’s teeth sparkle for the camera.)
LOGAN: They get it right. . .they get it right, get it ripe, AND furthermore they get it tight! Hey-oooooooooooooooooo.
REPORTER #4 (turning back to the camera): It’s clear. Logan had the trip of a lifetime, and is eager to share it with as many people as possible. Will Logan ever come down to the real world as he resumes the Vernon lifestyle and integrates back with our boring ass shit lives? Time will tell!
(We cut back to JORDAN watching the news report on her couch with five other women.)
JORDAN: Logan still hasn’t given up his hip hop references. And how demeaning for those women to be forced to hang around Logan Saunders. What is he paying them?
JORDAN’S FRIEND #2: Maybe he is super charming, likable, and really funny.
(There is an awkward pause before JORDAN and her friends roar with laughter.)
JORDAN: Well. Time for softball! I know that’s one place we won’t find Logan!
(We cut to two hours later at a co-ed softball game. REPORTERS stand in front of LOGAN.)
REPORTER: Logan, why is this so special to you?
LOGAN (tearing up): Growing up. . .I spent four years trying to get onto a softball team. No one would accept me because of my girly hands and because I threw like a girl. I was never allowed to play baseball after I quit the Wayne’s Mechanical team when I was nine years old.
REPORTER: So what is it like to be back on the diamond?
LOGAN: It’s very special. I spent decades batting .600 in Ken Griffey Jr’s Slugfest for the N64 and Ken Griffey Jr’s Winning Run for the SNES. I also had a 0.32 ERA. It would’ve been lower if not for the Craig Grebeck home run! So to be here and throw the ceremonial first pitch at one of Thursday’s co-ed softball games is very special.
(JORDAN is standing on Shortstop.)
JORDAN: You got to be fucking kidding me!
(LOGAN throws the ceremonial first pitch. It’s a strike.)
LOGAN: . . . . .
JORDAN: There’s no umpire to do a called strike, dumbass.
(LOGAN turns around and grins.)
LOGAN: Oh thanks Jordan! You look lovely today! OK, I guess I will have to do it myself. Stiiiiiiiiiierrrrrrike!
(The crowd cheers as the baseball is thrown back to LOGAN.)
LOGAN: OK, can I face the first batter?
JORDAN: You had your shot, dude–
LOGAN: Just one batter?
JORDAN (bites her lips): Fine.
A batter stands up to the plate.
JORDAN: If you quote anything by Nelly, we are kicking your ass.
LOGAN: Fish don’t fry in the kitchen, beans don’t burn on the grill–oh.
(LOGAN hangs his head low and begins to tear up.)
JORDAN’S TEAMMATE: Look at what you made him do, man.
(JORDAN puts on an over-the-top grin.)
JORDAN: It’s OK, Logan. Get him.
(LOGAN throws the first pitch–The batter hits it straight back to LOGAN in the stomach.LOGAN holds his gut as he walks over to third base and vomits on CONNOR JACKSON’s shoes.
LOGAN: Oh shit! Sorry Connor!
(CONNOR storms off.)
CONNOR: How did he do that again?! Jessica!!! He fucking did it again! He is one grade ahead of us, didn’t even go to the same school as me, but yet you and your brother Mitch keep putting up with his shit!
LOGAN: I can clean it up for you. I’m more responsible now–
CONNOR: JESSICA! THE SONOFABITCH DID IT AGAIN!
(JESSICA MORANDINI emerges from the dugout and puts her arms around CONNOR.)
JESSICA: Just relax. He didn’t mean to.
CONNOR: I swear one day I am going to find his home address and vomit all over his prized NIntendo collection. The Mushroom Kingdom will never be the same!
(CONNOR keeps swearing as he exits the field. LOGAN wipes the vomit off of his mouth and uses a paper towel to rinse it off of his T-shirt. Then he casually walks away too.)
LOGAN: I actually feel better now. I think somebody snuck beef into my vegetarian nachos last night.
(Int. LOGAN’s BEDROOM. There is a knock on his bedroom door. He removes the covers.)
LOGAN (pinching the top of his nose): A perfectly good nap was ruined.
(LATINA LADY, GERMAN LADY, and FILIPINA LADY, all topless, also sit upright.)
LATINA LADY: Lo se.
GERMAN LADY: Ja, la tete es en mi kampf.
FILIPINA LADY: No ingat.
LOGAN: Does anybody want to open the door?
LATINA LADY: Non.
GERMAN LADY: Nein.
FILIPINA LADY: No.
LOGAN: Well, at least that I can understand.
(LOGAN crawls out of bed in the least graceful way possible and flops onto the floor. He uses the doorknob as leverage to open it.)
(YVONNE GORDON-LEAVITT and KIMBERLEY MAXWELL are standing behind the door.)
LOGAN: Ugh. What are you two doing here? Yvonne, we already agreed to smuggle you into the high school reunion tomorrow. I am working on my script to one-up the hell out of everybody.
YVONNE (hands on hips): Have you forgotten our deal before you went away, Logan Saunders?
LOGAN: Whoa, don’t go full name on me, bro.
KIMBERLEY (grabbing LOGAN’s shoulders and shaking him): Yvonne is devastated, Logan!
(LOGAN is very confused and keeps looking back at his contingent of topless women.)
LOGAN: It’s alright, ladies. This used to happen on the regular.
(LOGAN returns to see YVONNE’s tears.)
LOGAN: What deal? Please, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, Yvonne.
KIMBERLEY: Yvonne packed away as many pizzas with stuffed crusts while you were away just for you, and you’ve been back for two days and haven’t even picked up the phone!
LOGAN: Sorry, been busy. It’s not easy being the L-O-Double G in Vernon, BC.
KIMBERLEY: Oh, shut up! Look at Yvonne’s transformation and you aren’t even appreciating it!
(YVONNE turns around and shows off the curves in her booty.)
YVONNE: I ate these stuffed crusts just for YOU, Logan. JUST FOR YOU!
(LOGAN seems helpless as he goes to grab YVONNE’s juicy glutes, but his hand is batted away.)
YVONNE: NO! Grab it like you mean it! Don’t grab to appease!
LOGAN: I’m sorry, alright! I have been traveling around the world for six months and feel like I’ve squeezed it all. Now I just want to get to know all of my female friends on a personal level without any sort of physical interaction–y’all are people too and I want to treat y’all that way.
YVONNE: Well, we are LEAVING! I am going to keep eating stuffed crusts and you are going to regret it!
(YVONNE starts swinging her hips in the rhythm to her words.)
(YVONNE starts twerking.)
YVONNE: Regret iiiiiit!
(LOGAN’s eyes go really wide and jump ten feet in the air. We see a Japanese anime background behind him as he leaps.
LOGAN: LOGAN SAUNDERS TRANSFORMATION!!!!!!!!!! RHINO POWER!!!!!!!!!!!! OOOOOOHHHHHH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUMMONING RAMBI SAVAGE!!!!!!!!
(LOGAN turns into a rhinoceros. It is a grey rhino that has a brown horn and a beard like Macho Man Randy Savage. His mannerisms are like Rambi from Donkey Kong Country.)
LOGAN: Oh no! I’m a rhino!
(YVONNE and KIMBERLEY’s eyes twinkle like they are SAILOR MOON characters.)
YVONNE & KIMBERLEY: Hahahahaha! Rhino-San! Now do you see what you are missing?!
LOGAN: The horn on my body is making me hornyyyyyy! Ahhhhhhh! Must not objectify!
(LOGAN tries his best to walk away as he finds his laptop and his paws struggle to enter in the keys.)
LOGAN: Must not objectify! Must put on Justify!
(The background changes as YVONNE, KIMBERLEY, LATINA LADY, GERMAN LADY, and FILIPINA LADY [still topless] are all wearing fedoras and dark gloves. Yes, even LOGAN as RAMBI SAVAGE.)
There’s just something about you,
I keep looking at you
You keep looking at me
Don’t be scared now
Don’t fear me, baby
It’s just a Classy Rhino
I kinda noticed somethin one night
Your stuffed crust
It’s kinda cool to me
Since it made me turn into a rhin’
If it’s up to me your booty won’t change!
If you twerk then that
Should set the tone
Just grind against me and I’ll yell timber!
And if you let go to the music
Should move my horns
Crash this 7/11 with me!
Ain’t nobody love your sacrifice like I do
You’re a good girl
And that’s what makes me trust you
Early in the afternoon
You start harassing my room!
I will know the difference when I change my locks
(Everyone keeps dancing to the beat for another minute.)
LOGAN: It’s just a classy rhino!
(The backdrop restores back to LOGAN’s room and his body is back to normal.)
LATINA LADY: Que pasa?
LOGAN: I dunno, but I feel like y’all were naked by the end of the song.
LATINA LADY: Topless.
LOGAN: Eh, same thing.
KIMBERLEY: Well, we are going to the Longhorn later. Join us, okay? We’ve missed you the past six months.
LOGAN (muttering): Connor’s shoes doesn’t.
(LOGAN closes the door as the three topless women resume their nap with him.)
LOGAN: Guys. . .do you think my parents will come home early from my sister’s house? I’m worried what they will think if you guys are still here and they open the door.
(They all hush LOGAN to sleep.)
LOGAN: Mmmmm. . .I want to be a pinguino but not where it’s cold. Rice Krispies are. . .. . .zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. . .where’s the beef? Don’t call me Shirley.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! YOU READ THIS SHIT?! PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO SEE A FUCKING SHARK EAT ME BUT THEY WANT TO SEE A RANDOM KID FROM VERNON WHO HAS LET HIS EGO GO TO HIS AND THINK HE IS THE FUNNIEST MOTHERFUCKER ON THE PLANET?! THIS IS BULLSHIT! STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO! LOGAN, YVONNE, KIMBERLEY, AND NEWCOMER SHAYLA DEWINN WILL ENCOUNTER SOME FAMILIAR CONTACTS! AND LOGAN’S BODY GOES THROUGH ANOTHER TRANSFORMATION! MAYBE HE’LL TURN INTO A WEREWOLLLLLLLLF LIKE SHAKIRA. . .OR MAYBE PROFESSOR LUPIN FROM HARRY POTTERRRRR!!! WHY’D THEY KILL OFF LUPIN?! THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT SHIT! LUPIN WAS A MENTOR! LUPIN WAS DEALT A BAD HAND! THE LEAST JK ROWLING COULD HAVE DONE IS GIVE HIM A HAPPY ENDING!!!!!!!!! MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!
Welcome to part two. LOGAN gets uncomfortable in a sea full of White people. So what better way to play into his discomfort than for LOGAN, KIMBERLEY, YVONNE, and SHAYLA to walk together and hang out at the Longhorn. They were wise enough NOT to go on a karaoke night. They sit together up at the bar as DOUG and TARA WHITERULE sit to LOGAN’s left. Initially TARA is seated directly to LOGAN’s left, but TARA can’t follow most of LOGAN’s jokes so she swaps with DOUG.
LOGAN: Sheeeeeit, how have you guys been? What have you been up to?
DOUG: Well, finished dentistry school. We’re paying off my student loan within the next eighteen months.
TARA: And I’m in accounting.
DOUG: Yeah, we are thinking of buying a house in the Okanagan when a job is available there for my practice, and then rent out another property. We will have two or three kids and either just a dog or a dog and a cat if the dog is a golden retriever.
(DOUG and TARA spend the next several minutes explaining their future and finances, and how stable everything will be in the long run.)
LOGAN: Man, Doug and Tara–you guys might be the whitest couple I have ever met. You know, I think all of the conspiracy theories can be put to rest about Kurt Cobain; Kurt Cobain shot himself after chatting with you guys here at the Longhorn. Actually, yeah, I would resurrect Kurt Cobain just to bring him to you guys and see how many minutes it takes for him to go back to the graveyard and restore himself into the afterlife. Like, I bet you guys are so white the only thing to do in your spare time is Doug playing an hour of League of Legends or playing bass guitar in a band part-time every two weeks.
DOUG (not figuring out LOGAN just tried to roast him): Yeah, I love League of Legends.
TARA: You do love League of Legends, sweetheart.
(DOUG and TARA proceed to share a strand of spaghetti but DOUG ends up chomping off a greater percentage. They giggle.)
LOGAN: Man, I wish I had vomited all over your guys’ shoes instead of Connor’s shoes!
Unfortunately I get queasy having fingers in my mouth.
(DOUG and TARA shoot LOGAN an awkward and grossed out glance.)
LOGAN: Oh please, I have NEVER tried having somebody else’s fingers in my mouth or my own. It’s just an expression.
DOUG: I don’t think that’s an expression, man.
LOGAN: Oh fuck you, Doug!
(LOGAN leans over to SHAYLA.)
LOGAN (whispers in SHAYLA’s ear): Pssssst, Shayla. Can you switch me?
LOGAN: C’mon. I’ll buy you a drank. I can’t take much more of this.
(SHAYLA keeps laughing.)
LOGAN: OK, two dranks! I am a desperate man right now.
SHAYLA (loudly): Did you hear that guys?! Logan is a desperate man!
LOGAN: Ahhhhh dammit, you found the stickiest of the icky, didn’t you?
(SHAYLA laughs and nods.)
SHAYLA: 420. 420. 420.
LOGAN: It’s August 4th.
SHAYLA: 420. . .420. . .420. . .
(LOGAN turns back to DOUG and TARA.)
LOGAN: I am going to go to the bathroom and uh. . .shuck some corn.
DOUG: Shuck some corn? In the Longhorn? Wouldn’t that be at Davison?
LOGAN: Ehhhhh. . . .they switched owners. I do it as volunteer work.
(LOGAN scoots off the chair and walks to the bathroom.)
LOGAN: Thank goodness we have a gun registry. This could have been bad for me.
(LOGAN is stopped by LANI STARKAWHACHUMACALLIT.)
LOGAN: Oh, hey Lani! You going to the reunion tomorrow?
LANI (puzzled): . . .You gradded with us?
LOGAN (forced laughter and grabs LANI’s shoulder–LANI’s eyes go wide when her shoulder is grabbed): Ohohoho! Good one! We had like five or six classes together minimum in high school. I was the one who shouted “PAUL WALKER, CLICK IT OR TICKET!” when we watched Fast and Furious in Mr. Kilin’s class.
(LANI stares blankly.)
LANI: Uhhhh. . .Jessi!
(LANI walks over to JESSI MUTGEN where they already have a table.)
LANI (gesturing to LOGAN): Who is that kid?
JESSI: Who? Oh! Logan. Yeah, he was in our grad class. Very funny. Socially awkward, but funny.
LANI: Huh. Don’t remember him.
JESSI: He used to be very quiet. Now he tends to be ob–
(LOGAN creeps up on JESSI and LANI.)
LOGAN: Heeeeeeeeey Jessi! Long time no see! Last time I saw you was at the IPE and you were pushing a kid in a stroller. You baby mama you!
(JESSI uncomfortably hugs LOGAN. She wriggles away within a couple seconds.)
LOGAN: So even though I am Mr. Supacoowacky, Lani doesn’t remember me at all! She’s
giving me the Mr. Burns and Homer Simpson treatment.
LOGAN (doing his best Mr. Burns impression): Oooooh, Saunders eh? Sector 7G? Started as a little G now he is a big G. The Nuclear Power Plant sees he has got the money. Dollar dollar bill y’all.
(Everyone awkwardly pauses waiting for MONTELL JORDAN’S THIS IS HOW WE DO IT to play, but nothing happens.)
KIMBERLEY: LOGAN! GET OVER HERE!
(LOGAN runs back to the bar.)
KIMBERLEY: It’s Amar Purefloor!
AMAR (winks at KIMBERLEY): Heeeeeey, Love Machine!
LOGAN: Title of Amar’s dildo collection.
(AMAR goes in for the bro-iest of bro hugs with LOGAN.)
AMAR: How you doing Bone Thugz?
LOGAN: Ah yes.
(LOGAN directly faces the audience.)
LOGAN: Amar started calling me Bone Thugz because he was curious what music I listened to in the twelfth grade. He grabbed my earbuds. Bone Thugz N Harmony was playing. Although I don’t listen to them as much anymore. My music taste keeps shifting towards more Spanish music. It’s like. . .It’s like I am at a Crossroads.
LOGAN: Yeah, a Crossroads. . .where as long as I have my Ho Train, I won’t be lonely.
(Music beat picks up.)
BOM BOM BOM BOMMMMMM BOMMMMM BOMMMM
Now tell me whatcha gonna do
When there aint nowhere to run
When sexy Spanish music comes for you
When sexy Spanish music comes for you
When there aint nowhere to hide
When sexy Spanish music comes for you
Head east lets all bring it in for Enrique
Enrique sees Uncle Phillippe
Jesus Cristo’s got him
and he’s gonna miss everybody
I only roll with Amar and my gang
Look to where they play
(JAKOB CORNELL HAYNES JR descends from the ceiling.)
JAKOB (with ridiculously good flow):
Playing with destiny, plays too deep for me to say
Lil Layzi came to me told me ifheshoulddeceasewellthen
AMAR: Shit, Stoudy!
LOGAN: Stoudy has got the flow like Jo from S Club 7.
AMAR (shoving LOGAN to the ground which is followed by LOGAN doing a perfect kip to get back up as if he was unaffected): YOU’RE NO LONGER BONE THUGZ, SAUNDERS! WHY YOU LISTEN TO THAT S CLUB SHIT?!
LOGAN: Oh right, like I needed your approval Mr. Purefloor.
(AMAR runs over to the billiards table and grabs a pool cue.)
AMAR: Oh, you’re getting fucked up now, buddy.
BILL COSBY: WHOA! LOOKS LIKE LOGAN SAUNDERS HAS FOUND HIMSELF IN TROUBLE WITH AMAR! CAN THEY WORK IT OUT PEACEFULLY OR WILL AMAR STRIKE LOGAN’S HEAD IN THE CORNER POCKET! HEY HEY HEY! STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT IF THESE KIDS CAN EVER GET ALONG!
(AMAR wields the cue stick as he closes in on LOGAN.)
LOGAN: I’m not ready to go Ray Romano-Romano with Amar. I need some help. I need a champion. I know just the perfect guy to summon!
(LOGAN reaches into his pocket for a flashlight and sprints to the exit.)
AMAR: Come back here you pussy! Jo has the flow but Amar has the cue stick!
(LOGAN flashes the initials ‘TR’ into the sky. As soon as he does so, a man being held by a large eagle flies in from the sky and drops down onto the ground.)
LOGAN: Tyler Rogan! I need your help, man! I can’t do this fight–I need you to fight Amar for me! Let’s take it inside!
(TYLER nods and rolls up his sleeves. AMAR slowly inches his way back inside while still trying to be intimidating with the cue stick. They face each other in the centre of the Longhorn. LOGAN pushes in a table just outside of their fighting area, and pulls out three headsets and three chairs. SKYLER HODGKINS and STERLING HERRUMPH each put on a headset and sit in the chairs beside LOGAN.)
LOGAN: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to UBFC 7! The Ultimate Bar Room Fighting Championship! PUREFLOOR VS. ROGAN! I am Logan Supacoowacky Saunders, and I am joined by Skyler Hodgkins and Sterling Herrumph! We have one of the biggest Main Event showdowns in Amar Purrefloor vs. Tyler Rogan! Sterling, what are the three keys Amar will need to execute in order to win this fight?
STERLING: Well Logan, it comes down to three factors:
a) Don’t be a pussy–get in there and strike!
b) Fuck him up–if Amar can fuck him up, he’ll surely win this fight!
c) Connect with those shots.
LOGAN: Alright, that was the least helpful analysis I’ve ever heard in my life. Boy oh boy do I wish Bas Rutten was here.
STERLING: Oh, and the fourth factor–Land the liver shot!
LOGAN: There we go! Skyler, what are the three keys for Tyler to succeed in this bout?
SKYLER: Ummm uhhh, don’t get hit, hit Amar a lot, and don’t leave it in the hands of the judges lol.
LOGAN: That’s right, we have three judges who are judging using a 10-Point Must System. The judges are as follows:
The homeless guy who somehow can still afford to buy three beers at the Longhorn every night
The guy who hooks everyone up with their weed supply
And that one waitress who is stuck watching sports all day at her job and thinks she is familiar with Mixed Martial Arts, but really doesn’t know a damn thing about it.
And if any of these judges happen to leave before the end of the fight, they will be replaced by Cecil Peoples. You do NOT want it to let it get to that point.
Remember folks there are NO referees. Anything goes except shots to the groin and fish hooking!
(A bell rings and TYLER immediately knocks the cue stick out of AMAR’s hand, takes him down, and starts beating the shit out of him. AMAR’s nose is bleeding within seconds.)
LOGAN: Holy hell! Tyler is beating Amar into the living death! He has him in half mount! Randy Couture loved to control his opponents from this position.
TYLER (quietly): You should quit now. Someone might get seriously hurt.
(AMAR starts crying.)
(TYLER keeps landing big shots.)
WAITRESS: Wow, I think this is an 11-point round!
LOGAN (rolls his eyes at WAITRESS): And that is why you NEVER leave it in the hands of the judges!
STERLING: Oh shit.
(TYLER pulls AMAR to his feet and picks him up to take him outside. LOGAN, SKYLER, and STERLING follow.)
LOGAN: I don’t know why the judges aren’t following–they are supposed to be watching this fight closely.
(TYLER spins AMAR around several times before letting him go like a shotput as AMAR is launched into the sky.)
LOGAN: Team Amar is blasting off again!!!!!! Tyler wins by KO! We never know where Team Rocket goes in Pokemon when they enter the sky. I wonder where Amar is gonna land?
(We zoom out to a picture of a globe as AMAR has a panicked look on his face. ‘A Whole New World’ from Aladdin plays.
AMAR: Ahhhhhhhhh! I’m going around the world more times than Logan! Ahhhhhhh!
(We cut back to the Longhorn. SKYLER and STERLING talk quietly out of earshot of LOGAN.)
STERLING: Man, Logan really killed the mood of the fight. I can’t keep preparing all of those notes. I just wanna watch the fucking fight!
SKYLER: Haha, I know man. We should have Galasko with us next time. At least he’s not going to keep fucking talking and talking.
(LOGAN rejoins SKYLER and STERLING.)
LOGAN: I for one am glad I summoned Tyler. By the way, I dunno why, but I was thinking about that guy who gradded with us–Galasko. Does anyone know his actual first name?
SKYLER: . . .
STERLING: . . .
LOGAN: Yeah. I’ll keep asking around.
STERLING: Logan, I think we’re going to find someone else to replace you at the commentary table.
LOGAN: What? Why? When? Where? How? I thought we had fantastic chemistry! We had literally tens of people listening to our back-and-forth! It was hilarious!
(SKYLER gestures with his hands.)
SKYLER: Like, your expectations are waaaaay up here.
(SKYLER lowers his hands to the ground.)
SKYLER: And the amount of work we want to put in is somewhere down there. You’re just too much, man.
(LOGAN hangs his head in shame.)
LOGAN: I understand.
(LOGAN sighs and rejoins KIMBERLEY, YVONNE, and SHAYLA at the bar.)
LOGAN (murmurs): Hey guys.
KIMBERLEY: Logan, what’s wrong?
LOGAN: Sterling and Skyler kicked me off of the commentary team. What am I gonna do? That fake job was all I had.
(LOGAN orders a Long Island Iced Tea.)
YVONNE: C’mon. I know something that will cheer you up.
LOGAN: Sorry Yvonne, but doing the Hamster Dance nor squeezing and slapping any of your guys’ juicy booties will not cheer me up right now.
SHAYLA (giggling): Are you sure? The Hamster Dance is pretty fuckin’ sweet.
LOGAN: Ehhhhh, give me a few minutes. I’ll have to ponder this.
BILL COSBY: Looks like Logan is trying to get his grooooove back! He is trying to get the pop back in his pudding pop! Will he cheer up and do the Hamster Dance? Stay tuned for part four as Logan will spend the first several minutes complaining about Will Smith ruining Robin Williams’ legendary role as Genie! Then we’ll get to the good parts! Don’t be a stranger now! Hey! Hey! Hey!
(TANNER NERDSTROM-YORK enters the Longhorn with a group of anonymous friends who aren’t important to this story and/or whom LOGAN doesn’t pay any attention to whatsoever.)
LOGAN: Heeeeey, New York! What’s up!
(TANNER is startled by LOGAN interrupting his conversation with boring people.)
TANNER: Oh, uh, hi Logan. I haven’t been called that in about ten years.
LOGAN: What? Fo real? Nobody has called you New York even with VH1’s Flavour of Love?
TANNER: I. . .I don’t follow. . .no.
(TANNER clearly wants to resume his conversation with the others.)
LOGAN: New York from Flavor of Love! She wasn’t just any bad bitch, she was a
baaaaaaaaaaaad bitch. Did you see her in Celebrity Big Brother UK?
TANNER: Ummm no.
(TANNER dismisses LOGAN and starts talking to his buddies again. TANNER tries to write something down on a piece of paper. LOGAN pulls out a Phoenix Wright pen.)
LOGAN: Do you want to borrow this pen, NYC?
TANNER: No, I should be good.
(TANNER vigorously shakes what little ink there is left in his pen. Not enough is coming out as LOGAN starts spinning the Phoenix Wright pen on his fingers. TANNER keeps shaking for more ink. He sighs and puts his hand out. LOGAN discreetly spits all over the Phoenix Wright pen.)
TANNER: I’ll take you up on your pen offer.
(LOGAN feels grossed out as he passes over the pen.)
LOGAN: Here you go, New York! Anything for the Big Apple, am I right?
(TANNER writes down successfully on the piece of paper. He licks his own hand and rubs his forehead. LOGAN returns to the bar.)
YVONNE: Dude, we saw you spit on the pen.
LOGAN: Well, that’s what happens when you diss New York. Just ask the other women in that house.
KIMBERLEY: Logan, you’re frustrated. There’s only two things that will cheer you up.
SHAYLA: Yeah, Kim is right.
LOGAN: Oh, you guys don’t know shit.
KIMBERLEY: Either you pay the bartender to play the song “This Is How We Do It,” by Montell Jordan, or you touch a juicy booty. Or else you’re gonna be soooo grumpy.
SHAYLA; It’s true, man. You’re killing our. . .mellow.
YVONNE: Women are always right; guys are dumb.
(GEOFF PHISTER enters the bar.)
KIMBERLEY: Look! Look! Geoff is here! Phister!
LOGAN (unenthusiastic): It’s not even karaoke night and people still storm the Longhorn.
KIMBERLEY: Logan, it’s Geoff! You like Geoff! Go have an intellectual conversation with him!
LOGAN (pouting): Hi Geoff!
GEOFF: Logan! What’s up? How ya doing?
LOGAN: Alright, I guess.
GEOFF: Just alright?
LOGAN: Yeah. Everyone’s been douchey today, and my friends are being douchey too.
GEOFF: You doing any writing lately?
LOGAN: Yeah, I am writing a high school reunion script. You can take a look at it. If you want. You’ll probably hate it.
(LOGAN hands GEOFF the script. GEOFF thoughtfully reads through it and laughs at the correct points.)
GEOFF: Can I make one suggestion?
GEOFF: You don’t physically describe any of the locations or the characters. I want to be able to see, touch, hear, and smell Geoff. I just don’t want it to be words on a page.
LOGAN: Do you know how many characters there will be by the end of this thing? I don’t have time for that. I’m like Sweet Brown.
GEOFF: Do you want to write a script just to write a script or do you want to write it right?
LOGAN: See, I knew you wouldn’t like it.
GEOFF: That’s not true. I’m saying it has potential. You just need to put more time into the smaller details and not make it so dialogue heavy. Right now you’re like an episode of Gilmore Girls.
LOGAN: But that’s one of my favourite shows!
GEOFF: But is it everyone’s favourite show? And without those descriptions, you limit your audience. This is essentially just a string of inside jokes which alienates the audience.
LOGAN: I’ll have my script back now. And you want a physical description: Enter Geoff, or should I say what happens when Sia thinks “you know what? I’m tired of being a broom so I’ll switch to being a mop.”
(YVONNE recognizing GEOFF.)
(KIMBERLEY recognizes a woman with blonde hair, blue eyes, and is surprisingly toned for a person living in Vernon. She hops up from her chair and grabs LOGAN’s arm.)
KIMBERLEY: OK, if this doesn’t cheer you up then I give–look over there!
(LOGAN glances over to the opposite side of the bar.)
LOGAN: Where am I looking?
(KIMBERLEY grabs LOGAN’s head and tilts it.)
KIMBERLEY: The woman with blonde hair. Bright blonde hair. Those blue eyes. Ohoho, I’m wet already. And if you look down a little bit it’ll get your attention. Look.
(LOGAN studies the woman.)
LOGAN: Oh. Is that. . .
KIMBERLEY: Yes, Kelly Pullups! She’s really into fitness now! And look!
LOGAN: Look at what?
KIMBERLEY: You’re not being serious, are you? Look Logan, Look!
(LOGAN tries to figure out the puzzle KIMBERLEY has set forth.)
LOGAN (smiling): AH!
KIMBERLEY: See, it’s super peachy! Let’s get her over here. Kelly!
LOGAN: You two are that close?
KIMBERLEY: No, but in this script we are! Kelly!
(KELLY traces the sound of the voice and joins KIMBERLEY, SHAYLA, LOGAN, and YVONNE.)
KELLY: Hey you guys!
(‘Slow Down’ by Bobby Valentino begins to play.)
LOGAN: No, Bobby Valentino isn’t relevant anymore. He is soooo 2006. Let’s find an artist who is a bit more topical. Bartender, switch it out for Chamillionaire!
(‘Grown and Sexy’ by Chamillionaire begins to play.)
LOGAN: Soon as you turned around
There’s something I realized
There’s something I realized
You look better from behind
You look better from behind
Grown and sexay!
KIMBERLEY: May I say you have a fantastic booty!
(KIMBERLEY spins KELLY’s body around for LOGAN.)
KIMBERLEY: Logan loves the peachy booty!
LOGAN (embarrassed): No, I don’t. I mean. . .I mean not anymore.
KIMBERLEY: Bullshit. Logan loves peachy booties.
KELLY: Ohhh, thank you Kim! And is that true, Logan? I’ve been doing lots of spin classes.
(Somebody wheels in a stationary bike as ‘Side to Side’ by Ariana Grande plays and KELLY puts on her headset.)
KELLY: C’mon ladies, you’re almost there! Think of how proud your man will be after we finish this workout! 5. . .4. . .3. . .Don’t quit on me now. . .2. . .1!!! OK, that’s a wrap! I hope to see you all again Tuesday evening for our High Intensity workout!
(The stationary bike is wheeled out and KELLY hops off of it.)
KELLY: It really gets things working from side to side.
LOGAN (teeth chattering): N-n-n-n-n-so you teach fitness classes now?
(KIMBERLEY howls with laughter.)
KIMBERLEY: Kelly, can Logan have a feel? Would you believe he has NEVER touched a peachy booty before?
KELLY: Awwww. Sure! Don’t tell my fiance though.
LOGAN: It’s OK. In the words of Daniel Radcliffe, the ring don’t mean a thing!
KIMBERLEY: Logan! You pig!
(LOGAN is thrusted into midair as the backdrop changes into a Japanese anime once more.)
LOGAN: Oh sweet! What animal do I get to be this time?
(LOGAN turns into a Pig that looks like a short sumo wrestler.)
LOGAN: Hot damn! I am Sumo Pig! Oh, I wonder if I can swing my arms really fast like E. Honda from Street Fighter.
(LOGAN starts moving his arms really fast.)
LOGAN: Hah! Hah! Hah! Damn! I am E. Honda!
KIMBERLEY (eyes twinkling like a Sailor Moon character): Be gentle, Logan-San!
YVONNE: (using pom-poms): Logan-San! Logan-San!
GEOFF: Can I have a feel too?
(GEOFF’s PARTNER tackles him to the ground as GEOFF’s eyes turn into those Japanese eye swirls when an anime character is knocked out by somebody.)
SHAYLA: Ah! Chicks rule! Geoff-San got ass kicked by Girlfriend-Chan!
(LOGAN does E. Honda booty slaps for a few seconds. His face gets really red and stops. He
jumps into the air and transforms back into his normal self.)
LOGAN: Wow! Kim, Yvonne, Shayla, you guys were right! A peachy booty has changed my mood! I am cured!
(LOGAN awkwardly hugs KELLY.)
LOGAN: Thanks, Kelly! Keep up the classes! If I were your teacher, I would give you an A+!
KELLY: Ummm, I’m going to go back over there now.
LOGAN: The only way I could be any happier right now is if–
(LOGAN’s eyebrows raise to the ceiling in excitement.)
LOGAN: IT’S HIM!
LOGAN: At that table over there! It’s Montell Jordan!
KIMBERLEY: Are you sure, Logan?
LOGAN: No, look! I know Montell Jordan when I see him!
(LOGAN sprints to MONTELL’s table.)
LOGAN: This is how -I- do it–This is how –I– do it talking to Montell Jordan! I know you’re a busy man. Can I get a selfie with you?
MONTELL: Yeah, for sure.
(LOGAN takes a selfie photo as well as a video with MONTELL JORDAN.)
LOGAN: This is how we do iiiiiiit. It feels so good in my hood tonight. . .and by hood I mean penis because I am going to go get laid!
(KIMBERLEY, YVONNE, and SHAYLA cheer.)
(LOGAN puts on a bandana and suddenly has an entourage around him as he goes outside and starts running through the streets. The theme of Rocky II plays. JASON REINHOLES joins him during the run.)
(JASON does backflips, sommersaults, and flips while keeping up with LOGAN the whole time.)
JASON: What’d it do baby boo?
LOGAN: You’re going to do that all the way to my house? I live like twenty minutes further uphill?
(JASON finishes a triple backflip.)
JASON: Wait, you don’t just live a few blocks away like you did before?
JASON: Oh, fuck that then.
(JASON disappears into a cloud of smoke like a freakin’ cartoon.)
(The entourage fades away as LOGAN makes it back into his house. He is exhausted.)
LATINA LADY: Senor Logan!
FILIPINA LADY: Mister Logan!
GERMAN LADY: It’s time for achtung, baby!
SNOOP DOGG: And there you have it. Looks like Nephew got his freak on. Ain’t he a lucky L-O-Double G? You’ll wait for part five to drop, fo shizzle? See what Vernon’s favourite nephew is up to? Mmmm mmmm. ‘Til then, just chill the next episode.
(LOGAN rolls up his condoms and chucks it into his garbage can.)
(It lands with perfect precision.)
LOGAN: Like NBA Jam, my aim is on fire. Boom Chakalaka!
(LOGAN hears a knock on the front door.)
LOGAN: Again? What time is it?
LATINA LADY: Nine thirty in the soir.
LOGAN: That can’t be possible. I didn’t get back here until just after nine.
FILIPINA LADY: That’s exactly when you got back Sir Logan!
LOGAN (checking the time on his phone): Wow, we certainly went the Express Route didn’t we ladies!
(LOGAN puts on some stylin’ clothes, checks himself out in the mirror, makes sure his corn rows are better than ever, and exits his room to go down the stairs and answer the front door.)
LOGAN: Hey, I didn’t expect to see you here!
KARINNA: You know why I’m here.
LOGAN: Sorry my room is already at capaci–
(KARINNA knees LOGAN in the stomach.)
KARINNA: No, not that. You remember. In the fifth grade spelling bee.
(We cut to LOGAN and KARINNA in the last chairs on stage next to a stack of empty chairs. All other students are in desks watching from the rest of the gymnasium. BEYONCE KNOWLES, KELLY ROWLAND, and MICHELLE WILLIAMS from Destiny’s Child are on stage with them.)
KELLY: This is it, folks! The finale to the fourth annual Spell My Name competition!
(DESTINY’S CHILD start singing ‘Spell My Name’ in full harmony with one another.)
BEYONCE: Alright Mr. Saaaaaaaanders, can you spell one final name?
LOGAN: Oh right, this is elementary school where no one is capable of saying ‘Saunders’ instead of ‘Sanders.’
BEYONCE: If you can spell Karrina’s name correctly, you win the game after she missed on your last name!
LOGAN: Again, I’m not the Colonel. This is an auto-victory. K-A-A-R-I-N-A. No need for Bills Bills Bills, because my tickets to see DC in action are free of charge!
BEYONCE: You got it right, foxy thing!
KELLY & MICHELLE: You spelled her name! Spelled her naaaaaame!
LOGAN: A writer and speaker like me can’t help but be Wordylicious. I don’t think my peers can handle this!
DESTINY’S CHILD: I don’t think they can handle this! I don’t think they can handle this!
(We cut to the present where KARINA is confronting LOGAN.)
KAARINNA (slaps LOGAN in the face): You owe a little girl front row DC tickets. Me and Neeley would’ve gone! Instead you went just to do your Foxy Cleopatra impressions!
LOGAN: So either I comp out hundreds of dollars to some random chick I haven’t seen in a decade for tickets to aging has-beens that are no longer together, or I just go back inside to my Ho Train. Huh, I wonder what a 27 year old globetrotting genius like me will choose? This is anything but a DILEMMA. Aw.
QORINNA: Oh, if you choose to go inside, you won’t be a Survivor. Kids, get ’em!
(That one kid of QARINA’s leaps up to cover LOGAN’s eyes and that other younger kid of QARINA’s starts kicking him in the shins.)
KORINA (starts tickling him in the sides): Is it a dilemma now, asshole?
KORINA’S KIDS: Is it, asshole? Is it?
LOGAN (wincing in pain): Jesus Christ, Corina! If you didn’t have your kids as two-thirds of your possee with you I would be summoning Tyler to save me again and fight my own fight! What do you want from me?! Destiny’s Child had their Destiny Fulfilled! Michelle Williams moved back in with her parents, and Kelly Rowland is the epitome of a hit-or-miss artist! The best we can hope for is a joint concert of Beyonce, Jay-Z, and Solange Knowles. I can’t think of a possible equivalence to the powers of DC!
(KORINNA stops tickling LOGAN’s ribs as she ponders LOGAN’s words–Her kids do not stop the attack.)
LOGAN: For the love of God make a decision! It’s like getting my ass kicked by a couple of Mini Mes! How about I just buy you and your hubby a couple of drinks at Longhorn tonight?!
LOGAN: And what?
KAREENA (folding her arms): You know they’re taking it easy on you–
LOGAN: Alright, my mom will babysit your kids for an evening out and I’ll secretly cover the expense for it.
QAREENA: See, that’s using your head Logan! Alright, kids. Looks like you’re staying here for the night.
LOGAN: My mom isn’t back home yet.
KOREENA: Yes she is.
(The kids step away from LOGAN. LOGAN checks the driveway. His parents’ car is indeed in the driveway.)
LOGAN: What the hell?! When did that happen?! I have bitches in my living–
KOREENA: Earmuffs, guys.
(KOREENA’S KIDS cover their ears.)
LOGAN: –Room getting it on and they ain’t leaving until six in the morning.
Shit, so what am I gonna do?
I guess I am going to pour some drinks for you and
your homeboy needs some too!
I guess I should have turned on the lights and opened the doors,
KORINA: For what?
LOGAN: To check out if my parents were home.
But fuck it, folks at the Longhorn are gonna smoke an ounce to this. I’ve got my jeans on and I can bring a DC CD in the cab so Karinna and her man can bounce to this!
KARINA: I am going to admit–Part of me regretted attempting to physically interact with you at all.
(We cut to the Longhorn. YVONNE, KIMBERLEY, and SHAYLA are sitting in the same positions at the bar.)
LOGAN (Dwayne The Rock Johnson-esque eyebrow raise): You guys are still here?
KIMBERLEY: Still here? You were gone less than an hour!
LOGAN: Fuck, my endurance game is off in a foursome.
LOGAN: Oh, eat your wings, Yvonne. Barkeep, my friend Qahrina here needs a drink. Put it on my tab. You go top shelf on me Qahrina, and I sick the Ho Train on you. Their visas are flimsy as hell so they have NOTHING to lose should there be another altercation.
QAHRINA: Have you ever rethought your path in life when you use the term “Ho Train” without putting a second thought to it?
LOGAN: I dunno, but I decided to stop judging people once they use their kids to start poking fellow high school alumni’s eyes out. God I think I might need to see an optometrist tomorrow.
(LOGAN starts rubbing his eyes vigorously.)
LOGAN: I’m getting another Long Island Iced Tea. I can’t handle this shit sober.
KIMBERLEY: Logan, look! It’s Minnie! Your first love!
(LOGAN squints to see MINNIE HARVEY at a table; he thinks she is sitting but she is actually standing.)
LOGAN: I ask her out once when I was 17 through MSN and now you’re never gonna let me live it down. Fantastic.
KIMBERLEY: I dare you to call her over here.
LOGAN (chugs his Long Island Iced Tea): It’s been ten years. We’re all adults now. . .and I’ve been drinking. It’s not even a dare. It’s just being friendly and polite.
LOGAN (starts tapping on the counter of the bar): Minnie Minnie Wheats! Strawberry flavour!
LOGAN, KIMBERLEY, and YVONNE: Minnie Minnie Wheats! Strawberry flavour!
(MINNIE temporarily has a facial expression of excitement when she hears her name, but it turns to a frown and disgust when she sees it is LOGAN and KIMBERLEY, and immediately returns her eyes back to the table.)
LOGAN: Well, that was not the reaction I was expecting. If Carrie Bradshaw can get over a break-up through a Post-It Note from a boyfriend in the fifth season of Sex and the City, you would think a woman could get over a dude asking her out over MSN at the end of the twelfth grade. MSN hasn’t even been around for six years! That’s like six seasons of Sex and the City!
(LOGAN buries his head in his hands.)
LOGAN: I need another Long Island Iced Tea.
KAHREENA: And I’m ready for another drink!
LOGAN: Ah fuck. Put it on my tab, barkeep!
BILL COSBY: Looks like our heroes are still working through awkwardness from their youth. Is Minnie not acknowledging Logan because of the past, or because Logan’s travels have turned him into an egotistical douchebag and word has traveled to the Island? Speaking of islands, will Logan slow down on those Long Island Iced Teas? He better keep an eye on that tab Kuhrina and her husband are racking up! And why didn’t Kuhrina’s husband appear once? Is he even at the Longhorn? Logan didn’t make that clear! Hopefully Logan can pull himself together and get out of this pudding pickle! Hey hey hey!