EPISODE FOUR
EPISODE BLOG #349: Jon Montgomery the Axe Murderer and Malnourished Hippie Blunder
COUNTRIES VISITED
CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA
The Facebook group I admin: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TAR247/
My Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/supacoowacky/
My Twitter: https://twitter.com/logsupacoowacky
The Podcast I Co-Host: https://rtvwarriors.podbean.com/
As always, this blog is dedicated to my late fiancee Jee-an. We all love you and miss you.
Previously on TAR: On the way to Calgary, Kristen & Darren gave their second Express Pass to Vanessa & Celina. Holly & Brett tried to steer the herd by hiding all of the maps, but the playing field was leveled when the racers got corralled at the Roadblock separating the Tims from the rest of the Roadblock. Hal & Joanne left the other teams in the dust winning the third leg while Tim & Tim finished last. Seven teams remain as they race across the country to win a year of worldwide travel of two, a quarter of a million dollars in cash, a bunch of other sponsoured prizes, and the title of winning TAR Canada.
Previously on TAR Mentions:
KRISTEN & DARREN 3
JAMIE & PIERRE 2
TIM & TIM 2
VANESSA & CELINA 2
HOLLY & BRETT 2
TREENA & TENNILLE 1
JET & DAVE 1
HAL & JOANNE 1
JODY & CORY 0
Jon Montgomery re-introduces us to Calgary as a modern city rising up from the prairies in the face of the Rocky Mountains. With its origins in the Wild West of Canada, Alberta is the only place in North America where prairies, northern forest, and mountain ranges meet. In the small town of Drumheller is Horsethief Canyon. Once used as a hideout for horse thieves and smugglers, it’s the starting point of the fourth round.
The introductions for locations are still interesting. Just wait until later seasons when Jon has to try and introduce us to *insert generic Ontario suburb here* when he has to really reach for something interesting to say.
Harold & Joanne, who arrived first at an undisclosed time, will depart first at 2:10am.
Hal reads they must fly to Yellowknife, Northwest Territories. Once there they must drive themselves to Bush Pilot Monument and find their next clue.
That bright neon clothing will wake up anyone’s eyes at two o’ clock in the morning.
Monty cuts in to say that teams must find their way to the Calgary International Airport and fly to Yellowknife. The stunning northern gem on the shores of Great Slave Lake is one of the world’s largest producers of diamonds and known as the best place to see the Northern Lights.
I thought the Northern Lights was best seen from Principal Skinner’s kitchen, but okay.
I like how it reminds me of the videos I see of Greenland.
Twenty seconds of Jon Montgomery talking about Yellowknife is the best tourism campaign in Yellowknife’s history.
I have never been to Yellowknife, but I have three quick personal stories about Yellowknife to share:
a) One of my brothers had an ex-girlfriend who was eager to travel and live outside of the Okanagan. My brother isn’t interested in leaving his hometown and traveling whatsoever. They broke up after about three or four years. His ex-girlfriend has been living in Yellowknife for the past ten years;
b) While in Cambodia I met a guy from Ireland who was working in Vancouver. He told me he had a free flight voucher and hotel specifically for Yellowknife. They went in November for three days. They had about a few hours of sightseeing then sat in their hotel for the next two and a half days.
c) I have a cousin who had been married to her husband for thirty years. They traveled around the world teaching English in Kuwait, Qatar, Mongolia, and other countries. A few months ago they decided to move back to Canada and bought a house in Yellowknife. On the day of their flight, he said “actually, you’re going to Yellowknife alone. I’m taking a job in Sudan and this marriage is over.”
That’s right. Her husband was willing to end thirty years of marriage and live in -Sudan- rather than go to Yellowknife.
I should note Yellowknife is the capital of the Northwest Territories and has a population of less than 20, 000 people. The government has to give major tax breaks to anyone willing to live in Yellowknife as of a couple years ago.
*
In all seriousness, that’s why this season is the only one that works as a domestic season for TAR Canada. We truly go to all of the regions in Canada. The Northwest Territories will only be visited twice more in the future: Once as the starting line for season four for a couple tasks, and then a full length leg in season seven.
We’ll only be in the Northwest Territories for half of this episode which means only a total of two full legs out of the 73 domestic legs have taken place here.
2 out of 73 domestic legs.
If I had to venture a guess as to why we rarely see NWT after this season, it is because it is expensive and tough in terms of logistics to get in and out of NWT quickly during filming.
*
Hal anticipates a bigger target on their backs after winning the previous leg.
“We’re not just the extraordinarily fit and famous elderly couple.”
Kristen & Darren depart second at 2:38am.
It looks like the hotel reception area. Maybe Production saved some $$$ by using the pit stop hotel as the pit start. It sounds like something TAR Canada would have to do.
Kristen talks about being competitive. Darren says it will reveal the reality of their relationship. Kristen talks about there being a six year age gap between them.
Jee-an was nine and a half years older than me. Six years is nothing.
Kristen & Darren are at the airport. There is a man working at the airport who tells them none of the counters are open until four o’ clock in the morning.
Fun fact: His dad was a horse smuggler.
Jet & Dave depart third at 3:23am. They read they receive only $1 on their Interac debit card for this leg of the race.
JET: I already spent it.
Well, the one dollar covers the transaction fee for the debit machine inside the next cab they use.
Jet & Dave say they’re overdue for a win.
DAVE: This is my warmest outfit.
Jet & Dave are not adequately prepared for Nunavut and Newfoundland.
They may or may not have to follow the Big Brother Canada 11 trend and self-evict sooner rather than later.
JET: We are so overdue for a win. I think we’re a lot smarter than a lot of people would initially suspect. We’re athletic looking guys but if they actually realize how intelligent we are and how competitive we are, that’ll put a huge target on our backs.
Essentially they’re doing what Hal & Joanne should’ve done through three legs.
DAVE: Tickle tickle!
TAR Canada’s only two-time players, ladies and gentlemen!
Vanessa & Celina depart fourth at 3:50am. Vanessa thinks the other teams see them as the non-threats and “girly girls.”
“Yeah, you girly girls.”
Oh, but get this: They’re here to win.
And by win, they mean just outlast the International Court of Justices during the race.
It’s four o’ clock in the morning and the check-in counters open. Harold & Joanne book the first flight at six o’ clock in the morning.
Jet & Dave show up and see everyone lined up including the Malnourished Hippies. Vanessa & Celina show up in fourth.
VANESSA: Ask the guys in the front if we can budge.
This is before Vanessa Morgan was famous enough to say “I’m Vanessa Morgan, can I cut in front of you?”
Not impressed.
“Can I give you my autograph in exchange for your spot in line?”
Vanessa asks if her and her sister can go in front of them. The people in line are too polite and oblige.
JET: So that’s how you get on an earlier flight.
Just whip your penis out, Jet. That’ll do the trick. Hell, Vanessa & Celina may let you cut in front of -them- if you do that.
By the way, behaviour like this from all-female teams typically drives the online fans absolutely crazy with rage (especially the middle-aged female viewers). Online fans absolutely hate it when an all-female team uses their looks to get ahead in The Amazing Race. I know for a fact Vanessa & Celina became the most unpopular team of the season with this move.
DARREN: They cut in front of everybody.
KRISTEN: Are you serious?
DARREN: Yeah.
“Vanessa & Celina are in third place? I knew I sensed a disruption to the balance in the universe.”
The parents of this season aren’t mad–they’re just disappointed.
HAL (editors throw in a cartoon blinking sound effect as HAL bats his eyelashes): They just flashed their eyelashes a little bit.
Darren regrets giving them the Express Pass.
“I knew we should’ve given the Express Pass to Jamie & Pierre when we had the chance.
Holly & Brett are sixth to depart at 4:30am.
Wait.
Hal & Joanne were first.
Kristen & Darren were second.
Jet & Dave were third.
Vanessa & Celina were fourth.
What the hell happened to Jody & Cory?! Unless I am as malnourished as Darren, I don’t think I missed Jody & Cory’s departure.
Note to self: Editors find Jody & Cory to be the least interesting team in the season.
Holly & Brett are ready to restart and run like they’re always in last.
Oh. There’s Jody & Cory. Neat.
NOTE: I think editors only bother showing Jody & Cory if Jody references losing his legs and/or his sniper background.
All six teams so far are on the 6:00am flight.
The International Court of Justices depart last at 4:37am. They reference needing to do a lacklustre Speed Bump. Apparently the other teams haven’t been made aware that it was a NEL.
Production throws The Hagues a bone and puts them on the same 6:00am flight.
In fact, I presume the departure times were from 2:10am to 4:37am from first to last to ensure everyone was on the same 6:00am flight to start out the day.
Junior does his best impression of UFC referee Herb Dean.
“So this leg definitely isn’t going to be a NEL.”
SENIOR: Morning ladies and gentlemen. You didn’t think you lost the Tims did ya?
The Tims are holding a bag of Tims (Tim Hortons). That might be my favourite editor’s joke of the season.
Timmies are holding a bag of Timmies.
Tim Hortons really missed out on sponsouring TAR Canada this season. They had a team called Tim & Tim. Bad play on their part.
“Aiiiiiiiiiiii.”
JET: I am not excited to see Tim & Tim.
DAVE: They’re heavy competition. They’re heavy competition.
Especially if they have a steady diet of Tim Hortons at the start of each leg.
“Time to fuck some shit up in Yellowknife, son.”
“Amen, Dad.”
Monty recaps teams are flying to Yellowknife via Edmonton.
Jesus Christ that’s far north. I hope Production provides Jet & Dave with winter clothing.
Monty says teams will load into Chevy Silverados and search for the Bush Pilot’s Monument. It’s a tribute to the fallen pilots whose lives were lost in the northern skies as they helped settle the territories in the 1920s and 30s.
I wonder if that’s the only landmark in all of Yellowknife.
We get a tour of all of Yellowknife.
It should be noted the first two route markers in Yellowknife don’t even have their own Wiki pages.
Everyone runs to their Chevys.
Jet & Dave lead the herd.
And we have confirmation that Yellowknife is visited thanks to a sponsour. It’s only a ninety minute flight from Edmonton!
And it’s only a two hour flight from Calgary!
I can’t remember if I mentioned this six months ago, but city tourism boards and different companies will pay CTV money to host a leg of TAR Canada.
In fact, either the City of Vernon or Davison Orchard paid TAR Canada to host a leg here last season during TAR Canada 8.
Furthermore, Sudbury infamously paid $55, 000 to TAR Canada to host a leg during season three. This is the one Michael Harmstone and I made fun of for years.
Viewers pick out obvious sponsours throughout the season (tasks at Dairy Queens and a Mentos sponsoured task in TAR Canada 2, and of course a task at Marshall’s in TAR Canada 8) but I bet most viewers don’t know that cities can just outright pay for a leg to be hosted there.
I would have to do more digging, but I assume this is why specific departments at colleges and universities host TAR Canada tasks frequently starting with TAR Canada 4.
No other franchise will do this to as much of an extreme as TAR Canada. TAR US always gets made fun of for having too many sponsours by American media correspondents (and American Dad poked fun at this too), but it is child’s play compared to TAR Canada.
Whenever I see Canadian fans say “oh, TAR Canada is so much better than the American version and/or other versions of TAR” it’s really tough to keep a straight face as the seasons progress.
And we’ll likely see even more sacrifices made to help produce TAR Canada 9.
I feel bad for Production/Insight knowing they don’t get sufficient funding from CTV to put on a proper season, and do the best with the restrictions they have.
Everyone reaches the Bush Pilot’s Monument together.
The Hagues are first. Hal & Joanne are second. Kristen & Darren are third. Vanessa & Celina are fifth. Jet & Dave are sixth. Holly & Brett are last.
They read they must make their way to an unnamed bed and breakfast” on Great Slave Lake and search for their next clue.
Monty jumps in to say teams must drive to the Government Dock which is just below Bush Pilot’s Monument. They must run half a kilometre across the frozen lake to receive their next clue.
Government of Canada Government Dock seems like a redundant statement. Couldn’t it just be “Government of Canada Dock”?
Yes, that’s the official TAR flag waving in the middle on the roof.
By the way, this leg was filmed in early May of 2013. Early May and the lake is STILL FROZEN. Can you imagine living in a town so cold that lakes are still frozen in May? Jesus Christ.
We’re almost in igloo territory here.
All of the teams are driving and are following each other. No one knows where to go.
JET: There’s Hal and Jo. They look as lost as we are. Love it.
Holly & Brett have a confessional.
It is really windy during Holly’s confessional and look at how red her nose is. I think another reason why we rarely see legs in the territories in TAR Canada is because it is so damn cold to film there even during early May.
Production always provides teams with winter clothing in cold climates, and that would be an additional cost for the budget.
Holly & Brett are first to find the Government of Canada Government Dock of Canada.
Vanessa & Celina are absolutely lost.
CELINA: Vanessa, what do I do, please? There’s no way we’re going north. There’s no way we’re going the right way.
They’re going to have an even tougher time finding a local here to ask for directions than the outskirts of Drumheller.
Also, I’d love to see Vanessa & Celina try to navigate around Mumbai.
Holly & Brett start jogging with provided ski poles.
BRETT: C’mon Holl. You’re doing great.
Episode 1 “Holl” Count: 15
Episode 2 “Holl” Count: 7
Episode 3 “Holl” Count: 20
Episode 4 “Holl” Count: 1
Total “Holl” Count: 43
And it continues.
Joanne tells Hal they missed the turn. Kristen & Darren are lost. Jet & Dave are frustrated. Everyone is lost and angry.
We cut back to the bed and breakfast.
This is the most exciting thing to happen in Yellowknife in the 21st century.
They have freakin’ beach balls.
BRETT: C’mon Holl.
I think I see my brother’s ex-girlfriend amongst that crowd.
Yellowknife’s search and rescue dog.
Holly & Brett open the clue. It’s a Roadblock.
ROADBLOCK HINT: Who wants to do a whole lotta shakin’?
I thought you were better than that, TAR Canada. There is somebody in this season who suffers from freakin’ Parkinsons and there’s a Roadblock hint saying “Who wants to do a whole lotta shakin?'” It seems a bit insensitive to me (in all seriousness). I feel like it’s a bit of an oversight by whoever (whomever?) wrote the Roadblock hint.
NOTE: I rewrote this bit at least four or five times to make it really really clear I was being serious rather than making a joke. I really don’t want to go through what I did during the episode five recap of The Amazing Race 17 about a decade ago. Jesus Christ.
Monty informs us teams will suit up and take part in a classic Canadian tradition–the polar bear dip.
I am getting hypothermia just from watching this explanation.
Monty says teams will be jumping into an icy hole carved out of Great Slave Lake where they’ll retrieve their next clue.
NOTE: Polar bear dips have become more and more popular over the past decade. The first polar bear dip I can recall was towards the end of high school. Now I can count multiple friends locally who do this multiple times during the winter and spring for therapeutic use and occasionally for charity fundraisers.
Brett initially volunteers and then says Holly is going to do it.
BRETT: You knew this was coming, Holl. You knew this was coming.
I guess because it’s not physical Holly is going to do it.
Jody & Cory are second to the dock and start walking.
Holly comes out in her bathing suit.
HOLLY: I get into a bathing suit and socks.
BRETT: Hot. Super hot.
Brett is at half mast as we speak.
The Lost Baywatch Lifeguard.
#DatBootyThough
BRETT: Holl, you’ve got this!
Everyone starts chanting “Jump, jump, jump!”
Even the dog is barking “Jump! Jump! Aroo!”
Holly jumps as Brett yells.
She’s like a dog in a bath.
BRETT: Get your clue, Holl.
Holly describes it as a “hot burny” feeling. She felt numb and cold at that point.
BRETT: Here Holl here.
Brett quickly wraps Holly.
Brett reads to find the Duchess in Carcross, Yukon to find their next clue.
It would’ve been funnier to make Holly read the clue through chattering teeth.
Monty says teams must head to Yellowknife Airport and sign up for one of three flights leaving twenty minutes apart. Once boarded upon the classic Canadian bush planes, they’ll fly to the tiny town of Carcross, Yukon. During the Klondike Gold Rush of 1896 the town was teeming with gold prospectors and pioneers all hunting for precious Yukon gold.
He sure loves throwing up the gang signs as of late.
The ollllll prospectors!
Holly & Brett drive away.
Hal & Joanne, Jet & Dave, and The International Court of Justices are at the dock and run to the Roadblock. We didn’t even see Jody & Cory open the clue before them and decide who will do it. That’s hilarious.
Hal volunteers himself, Jet volunteers Dave, and Junior volunteers himself.
We don’t even know which one of Jody & Cory is going to do it.
Apparently it’s Cory.
Cory LEAPS across the icy hole all of the way to the ladder.
That wasn’t even a dip! He wasn’t fully submerged! That was a skim! That was a Polar Bear Skim!
CORY: My body was telling me to get out of there as fast as you can, and that’s what I did.
JODY: Too fast.
CORY: I didn’t grab the clue.
“Where’s the clue?”
“Forgetting something, big boy?”
“Ahhhhh fuck.”
“Leap like you’ve never leapt before!”
Now that’s a polar bear dip!
Jody & Cory complete the Roadblock in second place.
Vanessa & Celina pull into the dock. Then Kristen & Darren.
IT’S. NOT. A. TIE. VANESSA & CELINA ARE VISIBLY AHEAD OF THEM IN THE RUN. JEE. ZUS. CHRIST.
Vanessa hesitates before opting to do the Roadblock. Kristen & Darren don’t care who does the Roadblock. Darren decides to do it.
Vanessa is not enthusiastic about what the Roadblock could be.
At least it’s not listed as a tie anymore.
HAL: I didn’t know what the temperature of the water was, but it was a hole around ice. So it had to be cold.
Harold looks unusually disheveled here.
Well, Hal Johnson always talks about getting his six to eight glasses of cold water per day. Just guzzle down that chilled water during this Roadblock, Hal!
Keep Fit and Have Hypothermia!
I wish Hal Johnson did a cannonball.
I don’t think we’re going to see an ice bath recovery episode of Bodybreak anytime soon.
Tim Hague Sr. tells Junior to fight for a position.
“Fight for a position?” Isn’t that what the number tabs are for at Roadblocks? Do they not have those tabs at this Roadblock? Were they frozen to the clue box itself?
Fighting for a better position at the Roadblock is something Elias Theodorou would’ve excelled at on TAR Canada. . . . 😦
Pointing is not fighting.
Joanne squeals and has her eyes bulge out of her head when she sees they’re going to the Yukon.
JOANNE: YUKON!!!
HAL: Here. Here. Grab it. Grab it.
“Yes, I know please grab the ice cold clue grab it I can’t feel my fingers, toes, or penis. Fuck fuck fuck.”
Dave and Junior queue up at the Roadblock. The safety instructor rigs up Junior.
“Dafuq, bro?”
“Fight for your right to polar dip! Woo!”
Jet’s hand reaching in the hand like it’s a choreographed opera pose is hilarious to me.
DAVE: Whoa! I’m first!
The crowd starts booing Junior and shout “cheater.”
It’s like a pro wrestling match. Tim Hagues have turned heel.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. We’ve got a couple more years to go.
“Hit him with the chair!”
“CHEATER! GO STUDY PROVINCIAL FLAGS AND FLOWERS YOU PIECE OF SHIT!”
TIM JR: What? He strapped me on.
Tim Jr. is still getting booed.
Seth Rogen on the far right is pissed.
TIM JR: Sorry Dad. I tried.
Junior is heckled off the stage like Carlos Mencia.
Junior fully admits he intentionally cut in front of Dave.
You know it’s cold out when the Manitoba team is wearing heavy jackets.
“I believe you have something that belongs to me. Nice try, motherfucker.”
Senior pipes in while his son is still getting booed and heckled.
Yeah, don’t call Senior a cheater. All he said was to fight for a position. He didn’t say to cheat for a position.
I wish he had gone full Reichen & DK and shout “Don’t you dare question our integrity!”
The crowd cheers for Dave.
Dave completes the Roadblock in fourth place. Dave navigates Jet to the airport.
Junior is fifth. The crowd cheers this time.
JUNIOR: We’re from Winnipeg so we love the cold.
SENIOR: I’m not sure we -love- the cold but we’re adapted to the cold. We survive it.
Junior nearly takes a chinner on the ice.
We get to see the flag of the Yukon.
JUNIOR: That’s a true Manitoban task right there, baby!
Maybe we’ll see it as a Switchback in TAR Canada 9.
Holly & Brett find Arctic Sunwest Charters. Brett thinks it was important to be back in first place because it “put them back in this race.” Whatever the hell that means.
Holly & Brett are in first place and/or back in this race.
Hal asks Joanne to follow another marked van (it’s Jody & Cory).
JOANNE: Are you sure?
HAL: No, I’m not.
JOANNE: Oh god man, you’ve got to be–
There is a lot of honking as Joanne turns the car around to follow Jody & Cory. Cory notes Hal & Joanne are obviously lost and opting to follow them. They laugh at the Bodybreak couple.
“Yesterday they thought we were members of the Production team.”
Jet & Dave are second to the airport. They are really hitting their stride since the country music Roadblock.
Maybe Jet & Dave are like the Frank Thomas of TAR Canada. They have a slow start and make lots of mistakes early in the season, but then do better as the season progresses.
JET: Good job, us.
DAVE: Today is our day.
PRODUCER: Hey guys, did you know that you have a low IQ if your hands are bigger than your face?
JET: We have to work with Brett & Holly now?
(JET makes a fart noise.)
Wow. Holly & Brett really got off the wrong foot with this cast.
Celina is doing the Roadblock instead of Vanessa. The edit fooled us.
It’s like the Instagram account “Influencers in the Wild.”
Celina is clearly hesitating at the platform as Vanessa yells “Go! Go! Go!”
Celina hits the ice while doing the splits.
Celina screams a bit as she gets out of the hole.
Kristen cheers on Darren as he jumps into the water in last place.
Although I don’t know exactly when Darren morphed into Emmett from Big Brother Canada. I’m glad TAR Canada doesn’t resort to crossovers from Big Brother like TAR US does.
KRISTEN: I don’t envy him right now.
Harold & Joanne argue over whether or not the sign-up sheet is on Old Airport Road or not as they drive.
The International Court of Justices (or rather Injustices given what Junior did at the Roadblock) and Jody & Cory sign up. Harold & Joanne are still driving.
The International Court of Injustices fought for a position and are on the second flight.
Cory signs up for the second flight too. It’s a 2-2-3 team spread between the three flights.
CORY: We’re good. Let’s go, buddy.
Oh. He forgot the clue and he forgot how sign-up sheets work. I’m glad Jody was a sniper in Afghanistan rather than Cory.
Editors rub it in.
Vanessa & Celina are at their car.
CELINA: Where are the keys?
VANESSA: You have them. Please tell me you have them.
Wow. Everyone is sloppy so far this leg.
You know it’s bad when #TheMalnourishedHippies are the only ones thinking clearly so far today.
Both of them search their bags. Celina eventually finds the keys. They get into the car.
VANESSA: I can’t see over the steering wheel.
I’m sure Chevrolet loves that endorsement by Vanessa.
Hal & Joanne finally find the building. They run by the sign-up sheet and run inside the office.
HAROLD: Where do you sign up guys?
CORY: Right outside.
“Don’t you see the sign-up sheet? You’d have to be a fucking idiot not to spot it.”
HAL: Flight 3–oh. No, no, no. Flight 2.
“That doesn’t make sense. Two is before three, right?”
“Don’t tell the other teams we have basic reading comprehension. That might make us a threat.”
Jody & Cory and Jet & Dave are outside. Jody is pissed off because their names are on the sheet but yet are listed on the third flight.
“They erased our names.”
JODY: I can’t believe you guys let teams erase names on the sign-up sheet.
CORY (mumbling): Please don’t tell him.
“No one must know I accidentally put us on Flight #3.”
Cory fesses up to it in the confessional.
CORY: To be honest I don’t even pay attention to what it says on there. . .at this moment I feel I screwed us huge.
Staring at it isn’t going to make a difference, boys.
“Oh, this is interesting. I told my son to fight for a position, but it looks like we don’t even have to fight.”
We see about ten more shots of the sign-up sheet with Cory’s mistake highlighted.
Jody & Cory are now stuck on the same flight with the two teams who have an Express Pass on an elimination leg.
The first propeller plane is ready.
I don’t know why, but Jet & Dave feel it is necessary to sprint to the plane. I would laugh so hard if they pulled a Josh & Tanner and pull a muscle on the way to the plane.
Jet is blown away they get to visit not one but two territories in the same day.
Jet Black is auditioning for the third Top Gun film.
Highway to the Danger Zone.
Monty reminds us the three flights will land twenty minutes apart. He also reminds us teams will search for the steam locomotive called The Duchess to find their next clue.
People tend to forget how big the territories really are.
I like how they picked the most pioneer-y sounding name possible for a steam locomotive.
Kristen & Darren find the charter sign-up.
DARREN: And everybody is here.
KRISTEN: Hopefully not everybody.
Well, Jet & Dave and Holly & Brett aren’t.
KRISTEN: We’re on the third flight which puts us at a massive disadvantage.
“If only we had something that could help us skip one of the tasks.”
KRISTEN: Gyah! That frustrates the hell out of me.
Vanessa & Celina show up to the airport.
Jesus Christ.
Even Lowell would’ve spotted that sign-up sheet. What pills did everyone take at the start of this leg?
Vanessa & Celina ask where the sign-up sheet is once inside. No one mocks them for running by it. I guess after four legs of TAR Canada everyone’s bodies are equally malnourished as Kristen & Darren.
Production should’ve added a “Flight #4” spot to see if a team would screw themselves over with an additional twenty minute penalty going to the Yukon.
We cut to Carcross.
I should note the greeting is in an indigenous language. Most people outside of Canada don’t know this, but the territories tend to be inhabited by a higher percentage of indigenous people compared to all provinces in Canada. Therefore, there’s a stronger movement for indigenous cultural and language preservation in the three territories compared to the rest of Canada
For context, the Canadian indigenous population sits at around three percent.
In the Yukon, it’s twenty percent.
In the Northwest Territories, it’s fifty percent.
In Nunavut, it’s eighty-six percent.
You can tell Production is proud of being able to get to Carcross this season.
NOTE: This will be the only season to visit ALL three territories. In fact, this will be the only season to even visit more than one territory. In fact, this is one of only five seasons to visit ANY of the territories (TAR Canada 4 barely counts because they only used Northwest Territories as the starting line).
CASTING NOTE: Nobody currently residing in the Territories has ever been cast for TAR Canada. I remember there was a superfan named Adam on the Facebook pages who complained at the start of every season. He was the one guy who kept advocating for it. Obviously the territories have such a small population compared to heavy hitters like Ontario, Quebec, and BC, but I do understand why it would be nice to have just one team brought in from Whitehorse or Yellowknife to compete.
The closest we have come to a team from the territories is Jesse & Marika who were originally born in Yellowknife and have family there. However, they moved to Alberta and have lived there for a long time. And they were contestants on the most recent season.
Dave is amazed by the flight and describes it as a once in a lifetime experience.
DAVE: White mountains as far as you can see.
Definitely not White people as far as you can see.
Those buildings are so cool. Take that generic Ontario suburb.
The first plane lands.
Jet & Dave can’t help themselves but run out ahead.
BRETT: As fast as you can go, Holl.
Both teams are working together to figure out where the clue could be.
We cut back to Yellowknife.
HAL: A mistake was made by another group. We capitalized by their mistake. We think we did the right thing. We signed up next in line.
A team who shall remain nameless. Classy move here Hal to not embarrass the team who made the mistake.
“We won’t name names, but we’ll just say their names rhyme with “Cody and Jory.”
Cory approaches Hal and Joanne.
CORY: Hey Hal, I know we made a mistake and you guys kinda benefitted from it.
The winter coat Production provided for Joanne is ridiculous, by the way.
CORY: Are you guys willing to have us go where we’re supposed to go. . .or. . .?
“You’re gonna make your brother pull up his pants legs and talk about serving our country if I reject you, aren’t you?”
HAL: Uhhhh, Jo and I talked about it. We’re going to stick with it. It’s part of the race.
CORY: You guys might’ve been running around here looking for the sign-up sheet.
JODY: We wanted to ask.
CORY: OK.
HAL: Sure.
JOANNE: OK.
JODY: Alright.
Such a Canadian disagreement.
The Bodybreak couple just rejected being courteous to one of our finest national war heroes who sacrificed so much for us. That’s shit you can’t write for TV. I don’t know if it’s just me, but that’s just downright hilarious.
Joanne Mcleod is SO uncomfortable right now.
Jody & Cory walk away.
JOANNE: If I had done that, I wouldn’t have expected a team to correct my mistake.
Yeah. Joanne played basketball competitively.
You should see Harold and Joanne playing wheelchair basketball. He isn’t going to correct the mistake of a man missing two legs. . .you should see them taking advantage of mistakes by paraplegics on the basketball court.
But seriously, they did have a Bodybreak episode about Wheelchair Basketball.
I really wish they would’ve concluded the episode with Joanne Mcleod going “fuck it” and jumping up to slam dunk the basketball.
Jody & Cory note that Hal & Joanne obviously want to take the spot offered to them. Joanne doesn’t feel good but it’s part of the game.
It’s at this moment that Jody & Cory realize how fucked they are. There are maybe one or two tasks left in this episode, and they’re doing so with two teams who have an Express Pass knowing this HAS to be an elimination leg.
And I don’t think Carcross is a big enough town where you can get lost during self-navigation in contrast to last leg.
This was a prime opportunity for everyone to eliminate the strongest team in the race–Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod. Instead Jody & Cory can watch as they made the biggest blunder since. . .well, Treena & Tennille just three rounds ago.
Jet, Dave, and Brett point out the train tracks.
BRETT: See the box, Holl? Right side. Go as fast you can, Holl. Come here, Holl.
Jet & Dave open the clue. It’s a Detour.
YUKON SUPPLY RUN OR KLONDIKE GOLD RUSH
IT’S NOT A FUCKING TIE!
Monty immediately introduces the Detour. It’s time to celebrate one of two pioneering past times. It’s their call–Yukon Supply Run or Klondike Gold Rush.
Also, who do you think founded Matthew Watson’s General Store? Do you think it was Matthew Watson?
Sadly, if TAR Canada inspired you to visit Carcross, the Matthew Watson General Store is temporarily closed. Maybe Matthew Watson went backpacking in Thailand or something.
Apparently one of the cashiers is an old cranky lady.
Carcross should actually be renamed to Carcass given what is allegedly happening at the general store.
YUKON SUPPLY RUN
In Yukon Supply Run, teams must locate Lake Bennett. In true pioneer spirit, they must construct a raft similar to the ones used to transport supplies to the Dawson City gold fields. Once teams successfully navigate the moving river, they’ll retrieve their next clue.
I really hope a team that sucks at paddling chooses this Detour.
NOTE: Jon Montgomery mentions the Dawson City gold fields. Dawson City is visited during TAR Canada 6 five years later.
KLONDIKE GOLD RUSH
In Klondike Gold Rush, teams must successfully complete three competitive pioneer activities. First, they must cut through a twenty inch log using a traditional log saw. Second, they will have to successfully lodge an axe anywhere on the target. Last, one team member must push a wheelbarrow blindfolded through an obstacle course while the other team member collects five nuggets.
OK. Klondike Gold Rush is one of the funnest Detour tasks they’ve created in TAR Canada history.
TAR Australia 2 did this task in Canada before TAR Canada did.
The editors had fun creating that visual effect.
Also, remember how Jon Montgomery is known for demonstrating as many of the tasks as possible in the early seasons?
Move over Wanderlei Silva because we have a new axe murderer in town.
One of the members of the Shawn Lightfoot Band will give them their next clue.
Jet & Dave choose Gold Rush as it’s purely physical.
BRETT: It’s a hard call, Holl. I think we should build.
HOLLY: I think we should do the other one.
BRETT: I don’t think I’ll be able to do it. Let’s go build.
HOLLY: Do you have any skills about how to build a raft?
BRETT: We’ll learn it on the go.
HOLLY: I really think we should do the other one. I have no idea how to do this.
BRETT: Holl, Holl. . .I don’t even know if I know how but I’ll figure it out.
Brett says they should always avoid the physical task. However, Brett forgets this backfired in the previous leg as they couldn’t figure out the anatomy of a dinosaur.
Dave thinks they can do the three klondike tasks quickly.
JET: This is what I do in the gym.
Obligatory Looney Lumberjack reference from Mario Party.
Jet talks about his fitness modeling career.
Editors were waiting for any excuse to use these pictures.
Brett leads Holly on what to do. She clearly doesn’t want to do this Detour. Brett is convinced they’ll end up in the water if she doesn’t follow his barrel tying technique and positioning.
This task is surprisingly physical for Brett not thinking it was a physical task.
The second plane touches down. The Hagues and Hal Johnson & Joanne Mcleod run together to find The Duchess. They comment on the landscape.
Jet & Dave complete the log cutting mini game.
JET: Timber.
Thanks for the warning, Jet. If there was a toddler walking by you guys here in Carcross, that toddler would’ve been seriously hurt.
Dave nails it on his first attempt.
Jet. . .not so much.
Jet’s next toss is high. The following toss bounces off of the target. We see two more failed attempts.
DAVE: You’re getting worse.
Hal Johnson & Joanne Mcleod and Tim Hagues find The Duchess. The Hagues encounter their Speed Bump. This is the first Speed Bump in TAR Canada history.
Nearly every season of TAR Canada has exactly two Speed Bumps.
They must locate the “famous” Robert Service poem titled “The Shooting of Dan McGrew.”
I put “famous” in quotations because I have never heard of this poem prior to TAR Canada and have completely forgotten about this Speed Bump ever happened. I could name nearly every Speed Bump from TAR US and TAR Asia off the top of my head, but Jesus Christ, this one doesn’t even sound familiar.
Once they locate the poem, they must memorize and recite the first four stanzas to the man who originally wrote it.*
* Not actually Robert Service.
I wish the poem they had to recite was “The Shooting of Dan MacGrewber” by Michael G. Scott.
Apparently Robert Service is one of the most famous people in the history of the Yukon. He wrote about life in the Yukon during the Gold Rush.
Oh, there’s his audition for Mad Men.
If they do the poem justice, *Robert W. Service will service them by giving them their next clue.
After a few more beers, The Hagues will get serviced.
SENIOR: What’s his name? Robert Service?
Yeah, he’s not famous.
Twenty minutes before a shift at the Matthew Watson General Store.
The Hagues are the first ever victims of TAR Canada’s “Memorize and recite written Canadian content” task.
SENIOR: Timothy wasn’t looking forward to this because he is not a fan of the memorization thing.
TIMOTHY: Not a fan.
NOTE: I don’t mind the “Memorize and recite this speech” task as long as it’s limited to one per season and doesn’t take up much of the running time of the episode.
I don’t think Senior is a fan either.
Junior is stumbling over the prepositions.
Hal & Joanne choose Klondike Gold Rush.
Sadly, there aren’t any lumberjack episodes of Bodybreak. Trust me, I looked.
Meanwhile, The Hagues make their first attempt at reciting the poem to #NotRobertService.
“And the poke of the bear. . .erm, uh, stoke of the. . .erm. . .uh. . .
ROBERT SERVICE: Sorry boys, that’s not the way I penned this poem. Please try again.
“Also, please complete this task soon. I have an appointment with a psychologist at two o’ clock and she is desperately trying to convince me I am not actually Robert W. Service.”
“Ye lucky Bobby didn’t slap ye across your face!”
The third and final plane departs for Carcross. Vanessa & Celina think it’s the right leg to use the Express Pass. Obviously. Vanessa freaks out about being on a small plane.
Vanessa would not enjoy flying with Pacific Coastal Airlines.
We cut back to Holly & Brett testing out their raft in the water.
BRETT: Holl, it’s right there. Just prepare yourself emotionally for the fact you may fall in completely.
At least Holly already experienced the polar bear dip.
Jet hits the target and bumps chests with Dave.
“BRO!”
DAVE: The final event was a blindfolded wheelbarrow. . .
JET: Nugget grab.
A Blindfolded Wheelbarrow Nugget Grab is what Jet & Dave do together every Tuesday night.
DAVE: We don’t have a lot of experience driving wheelbarrows blindfolded.
JET: But we have experience grabbing nuggets.
DAVE: Yeah, for sure. We grab a nug all of the time. Nug here. Nug there.
You’re not helping your case, guys.
Not even a 3D Printer would help prepare Carson for this task.
“Dave has got a nug.”
We cut back to The Hagues memorizing The Shooting of Dan McGrewber. I should write a poem and the next time TAR Canada visits Vernon they could make teams memorize my poem.
Senior tells Junior to relax. Junior stuttered the words. Senior is frustrating Junior with the constant pep talks.
Senior tries repeating the words simultaneously with Junior. Junior stops Senior’s antics immediately. They make another attempt. Senior’s memory is impeccable. It was always Junior screwing up. They complete it this time. Robert Service doesn’t even offer them a beer.
By the way, all three men are in their 20s. That’s what alcohol does to your physical appearance, ladies and gentlemen.
The Hagues choose Klondike Gold Rush.
We get our last major scenic shot of the episode.
The last plane lands. Kristen & Darren and Vanessa & Celina sprint instantly. Jody & Cory are just getting off of the plane. Cory acknowledges the other two teams have Express Passes.
CORY: We’re pretty well finished.
That’s right. Vanessa & Celina and Kristen & Darren just need to hand over their Express Passes and they’re guaranteed to survive elimination as the pit stop will be right afterwards, and Carcross isn’t exactly a big place.
This should be a foregone conclusion.
Dave has another nug.
Holly & Brett are paddling. Hal & Joanne cut a log. They start throwing hatches.
HAL: Hatchet is going to be easy because it’s a motion I am very familiar with playing baseball on the Canadian national team.
Pre-Mustache Hal.
Also, I’m pretty sure that jersey says “Colorado” instead of “Canada.”
I learned something new today. Hal Johnson played for the University of Colorado. . . or maybe he told me that when I interviewed him and I had forgotten just like the freakin’ Speed Bump.
Damn, Hal Johnson. Perfect technique.
JOANNE: My technique is praying it’s going to hit.
Hal can’t look anymore.
The Hagues proclaim this is their day as they saw off the log.
Meanwhile Brett keeps coaching Holly.
The one dollar allotted for this leg of the race is making teams really desperate for anything that could be remotely edible.
I’m surprised Brett has maintained that position.
Dave collects another nug.
Jet reaches for a sixth and seventh nug.
Dave hands over the nugs.
The nugs are approved.
Dave starts laughing like Chris Griffin.
DAVE: Now go straight. Go straight ahead. Now keep hugging.
Your only two-time TAR Canada contestants, ladies and gentlemen.
Apparently there’s a time penalty warning in the additional info if you overtake your camera operator.
Monty says teams must ride by ATV to find the Carcross Desert (eagle screech inserted here). Known as the smallest of its kind, ten thousand years ago it was the bottom of a glacial lake. Nestled below snow-capped mountains, this unique desert is the fourth pit stop in a race across Canada.
Sadly Monty isn’t riding an ATV.
We cut back and forth between Jet & Dave and Holly & Brett. Jet & Dave are in the ATVs.
BRETT: C’mon Holl. You ready? Go, Holl. Go for it, Holl!
Jet puts on his Tom Cruise sunglasses. He’s trailed by two ATVs (sound operator and camera operator presumably as stated in the clue).
This is the closest Holly & Brett will resemble to being one of DMX’s Ruff Ryders.
I think somebody just grabbed a nug.
Meanwhile, Joanne hits the target. She gets into the wheelbarrow.
It’s not the most graceful wheelbarrow entry that I’ve seen.
The International Court of Justices complete the first mini game. Timothy Junior lands the hatchet. Senior is struggling.
We cut back to Hal & Joanne navigating the wheelbarrow.
Harold & Joanne argue over who picks up the nugs.
HAL: Who picks it up?
JOANNE: I think I do.
HAL (hilariously winded): Read the clue, Jooooo. Read the clue.
Also, they don’t move anywhere during this argument because Hal runs over the same log about five times. It’s hilarious.
Hal hits the log and asks Jo AGAIN who picks up the nug. She re-confirms she does.
JOANNE: Turn to your right. . .your other right.
Wow. They really are as malnourished as the Malnourished Hippies.
Kristen & Darren are fifth to the Detour. Vanessa & Celina are sixth. The Malnourished Hippies pick Yukon Supply Run.
Kristen is convinced they can build a quick raft. And if they happen to stumble, they can just Express Pass their way out of it.
Darren wants to build a raft too and hope it doesn’t take that long.
And if it does take a long time, hey, they can just Express Pass their way out of it.
Vanessa & Celina read both options. Klondike Gold Rush are physical mini games, and something tells me Vanessa & Celina did not spend much of their childhood constructing rafts.
We hear ANOTHER eagle screech as we switch to Jody & Cory. Jody talks about his leg amputations being at mid-calf on both legs. I think it is in Jody’s contract that he can only have aired confessionals if he talks about being in the war and his double amputation. Because Jody is wearing long pants, we don’t get a zoom in of his legs.
Jody can’t run fast compared to most racers. Cody asks Jody for his backpack.
Jo has the final nug.
Jody can now outrun Cory.
We cut back to Hal & Joanne. They complete the Detour. Hal keeps saying “sorry” over and over to Joanne by reflex. It’s such a Canadian thing to do. I get called out on it while backpacking all of the time.
It’s like a bit out of a Leslie Nielsen film.
Hal & Joanne complete the Detour in third place.
Vanessa & Celina run to the judge at Klondike Gold Rush. Vanessa notes Hal & Joanne have already finished the Detour. They know three teams are already on their way to the pit stop. Kristen & Darren have an Express Pass. They see The Hagues nearly finished Klondike Gold Rush.
In other words, the only team Vanessa & Celina can beat to the mat is Jody & Cory. Given it’s log sawing, hatchet throwing, and wheelbarrow racing, Jody & Cory have a leg or two up on them in those tasks.
Vanessa & Celina aren’t the most skilled racers, but they aren’t dumb. They immediately hand over the Express Pass. It’s pointless to even begin the task.
Although Vanessa & Celina using a saw would’ve been hilarious to see.
CELINA: Make your way to Carecross Desert.
Carecross? Carecross?
Well, at least Jon Montgomery won’t be administering a spelling bee at the pit stop. Vanessa & Celina have fourth place on lockdown.
Away they ride.
Jody & Cory are at the Duchess. They choose Klondike Gold Rush. They head over to the sawing station as Senior lands the hatchet.
I’d totally wear the gold pan as a hat.
Jody & Cory are two mini games behind The Hagues. It’s not looking good for them. Nobody overly struggled with the wheelbarrows.
Kristen watches the Klondike Gold Rush task playing out from Yukon Supply Run.
KRISTEN: I hope these games take a long time.
DARREN: Me too.
Wait a second. Kristen & Darren can SEE it’s just The Hagues and Jody & Cory at the Detour. They can see The Hagues are nearly done, and that this is just a showdown with Jody & Cory.
The Hagues are quickly collecting nugs.
KRISTEN: We have an Express Pass in our bag, but we don’t want to use it. We have a background in paddling. Darren is a raft guide and I’m a kayak guide.
OK, cool but:
a) This is the only leg Kristen & Darren have been in peril all season. They won Leg Freakin’ One for crying out loud;
b) Your rafting skills may not allow you to finish this task as fast as Jody & Cory’s physical skills will allow them to clear the mini games;
c) There are only two other elimination legs left where you can use an Express Pass;
d) Vanessa & Celina won’t have an Express Pass to use in the next elimination leg.
The good news for Kristen & Darren is they can bail themselves out of the Detour if they see Jody & Cory are close to finishing.
DARREN: We’re pioneers! This is awesome!
I think Darren’s level of fun doing this Detour is interfering with his ability to use the Express Pass.
We cut back to the ATVs.
BRETT: Go Holl, go. I’m sure Holl is not even having fun. I’m sure she’s just terrified. We’re not moving quickly.
We hear another damn eagle screech.
“AHHHH!!!!”
Jet & Dave see the sign for the Carcross Desert.
The vultures prepare to encircle their prey.
Jet & Dave run to the mat.
“Do you see those two guys over there? We’re going to bring them back onto the show in six years and humiliate the crap out of them.”
Jet & Dave have a hell of a backdrop for their run.
Kathy Griffin is the pit stop greeter.
PIT STOP GREETER: Welcome to the Yukon. The Land of the Midnight Sun.
“Fuck off.”
JET: Love the Yukon.
“My first born child will be named Yukon.”
“Every day after school I would watch Yvon of the Yukon on YTV.”
MONTY: . . .Jet & Dave. . .
. . .
MONTY: . . .You’re team number one!
Four legs in and four teams have won a leg. I’m sure Production is happy about this.
Monty informs them they have won a trip for two to Cancun courtesy of Air Canada.
You know, before it gets ruined by overtourism.
JET: Look out ladies.
. . .Why are you threatening women on national television?
“Paper covers rock.”
“Face!”
Brett leads Holly to the mat.
BRETT: Happy to see you, brother.
(MONTY says nothing.)
Holly & Brett hit the mat.
SECOND PLACE: HOLLY & BRETT
Monty quickly announces their placement. Holly & Brett are happy with the placement.
Episode 1 “Holl” Count: 15
Episode 2 “Holl” Count: 7
Episode 3 “Holl” Count: 20
Episode 4 “Holl” Count: 19
Total “Holl” Count: 58
Also, we’ve heard “Holl” an average of 14.5 times per episode through four episodes. Hilarious.
Hal & Joanne run over the hill. Harold drops his bag.
The rules state that as long as the bags are in the host’s line of sight then it’s all good. However, Hal threw his backpack down on the bottom of the hill. Therefore, Jon Montgomery can’t see it. Technically it’s not in his line of sight.
Hal & Joanne hit the mat.
Brace yourselves.
THIRD PLACE: HAL JOHNSON & JOANNE MCLEOD
They are the only team to finish in the top three through the first four legs of the race.
The Hagues complete the Detour in fifth place. They note Vanessa & Celina used the Express Pass. Both teams are riding the ATVs.
Junior howls like he’s a werewolf during a full moon.
Vanessa & Celina are paranoid The International Court of Justices will catch them.
VANESSA: It’s so hot.
The thick winter coat may or may not be responsible for that.
Both teams are now on foot. It’s yet another close finish between these two teams. Even though it’s just for a lousy fourth place finish and both teams know they’re surviving this leg, this still matters a lot to them.
Vanessa & Celina see the pit stop mat.
Vanessa drops her bag really far from the mat.
Vanessa Morgan throws her bag down and Celina undresses.
They violated the thirty foot rule on this one.
Vanessa & Celina hit the mat.
MONTY: Vanessa & Celina. . .you are the fourth team to arrive.
Celina says Vanessa did good. Especially at the Detour.
MONTY: However. . .I can’t check you in just yet as I need to be able to see your bags to do so, and you’ll have to retrieve them before I check you in.
“Do you even know where your bags are?”
With enough wind, their bags could roll all the way back into the Northwest Territories.
Vanessa dramatically collapses onto her backpack.
The Hagues have nearly caught up.
CELINA: What a waste of a freakin’ Express Pass.
Nope. You know you were fourth and only one team overtook you. So. . .
Both teams are running to the mat.
MONTY: I still can’t see your backpack, Vanessa!
MONTY: I can’t see your backpacks, Tim & Tim!
Man, Jon Montgomery has poor vision.
The Hagues were -this- close to being able to get revenge on Vanessa & Celina’s taunting from the pit stop on the first leg.
MONTY: Vanessa & Celina, you are NOW team number four.
FOURTH PLACE: VANESSA & CELINA
Senior does a BIG fist pump when Vanessa & Celina’s placement is announced. I think jumping up to fifth place and essentially beating three of the other six teams despite the stupid poem really has Senior jolted.
FIFTH PLACE: THE INTERNATIONAL COURT OF JUSTICES
Dude is pumped.
Monty congratulates The Hagues on moving up from last leg, and he makes fun of Vanessa & Celina for still having to work hard for fourth place despite using the Express Pass.
SENIOR: Hugs all around.
They’re finally getting along.
Two teams are left on the course.
Kristen & Darren’s strategy is quick knots. Darren acknowledges they are taking a risk, but he is confident in their knot tying and rafting skills.
ALSO, IT’S NOT A FUCKING TIE FOR LAST PLACE.
DARREN: Let’s do a Chucker’s Hitch over here.
KRISTEN: OK. Let’s not play with knots. Let’s just make it happen.
Why guarantee survival when you can show off your knowledge of a Chucker’s Hitch on TAR Canada?
DARREN: If this works right now, we might actually be making some good time.
KRISTEN: Well, here’s hoping it does.
Kristen doesn’t sound hopeful.
We cut back to Jody & Cory. As stated before, Jody gets another confessional because he references being a sniper.
JODY: I was a sniper so how hard can throwing a hatchet be?
Cory hits the target quickly but Jody gets miss after miss after miss. The hatchet keeps bouncing off. Cory sees Kristen & Darren paddling.
Yvons of the Yukon.
Jody lands the hatchet.
It’s time for some nugs.
They have enough sense to put Jody into the wheelbarrow.
Maybe I’m overreacting here. Kristen has the clue. Kristen & Darren could be much further ahead of Jody & Cory than I thought, and editors have to get creative here.
Cory is exhausted.
YA THINK?!
KRISTEN: Can we now?
DARREN: No.
The raft would be the fastest way to get back to shore, right? It would be hilarious if they ditched the raft just to use lose time from using the Express Pass.
JODY (Scooby Doo Voice): Is that Darren & Christian still doing their challenge?
Yeah, you said Christian, buddy.
Jody & Cory just have to deliver their nugs.
Darren is pissed off because the wind is impacting the raft.
This makes Jody giddy.
I wonder if Jody’s prosthetics contain nugs.
Jody & Cory are in sixth place. Jody still has to run over those sand dunes, though.
Surprisingly they don’t pull a Lynn & Alex and read the clue as fast as possible.
Cory sees Kristen & Darren paddling. He asks Jody to hustle.
KRISTEN: Keep paddling!
DARREN: AH!
It was at this moment he knew he fucked up.
“Careful, Darren! It’s fragile!”
Darren is unhappy right now.
If the ATVs end up following each other, Kristen & Darren should overtake Jody & Cory easily.
But somehow the ATVs aren’t in the same frame.
By the way, editors threw in an ad break right here. There’s less than three minutes of running time in the episode. They knew they had something special here for this round.
Jody & Cory are running. Then we see Kristen & Darren running. Cory can see Kristen & Darren running.
In 2023, the only thing that’s close to being over the hill are Hal & Joanne if they don’t look after their diet and exercise habits properly at their age.
All four racers keep talking about the long run through the desert.
Jody is really slowing the team down.
To quote an early TAR US contestant, Kristen & Darren need to do some “long distance sprinting.”
Jenn, by the way. I Google’d it. You know what search result came up in Google to confirm the quote?
My own blog. Isn’t that hilarious? Good job me for helping me out when I needed me most!
JODY: I can’t run anymore now buddy, okay? I’m just going to walk.
JODY (confessional): If we get eliminated because I can’t run, I’ll have to spend a lot of time making it up to my brother.
Eh, I’d say you guys are even.
Jody & Cory drop their backpacks.
MONTY: Jody & Cory, I can’t see your bags, guys!
Nah, just kidding.
Jody says his motto is to never quit especially since he lost his legs.
The Mitic Brothers hit the mat.
Good news cometh.
Sixth place is theirs.
JON MONTGOMERY: You are still in this race by the skin of your teeth.
That’s the second time Monty has uttered that phrase in TAR Canada.
I wonder if he really wanted to be a dentist.
Jody says his legs are tired and is happy to be sixth.
We cut to the walk of shame. Someone else’s backpack is behind them.
I wonder who is responsible for collecting all of the backpacks in the desert.
Kristen & Darren slowly stroll onto the mat.
MONTY: Kristen & Darren, I can’t check you in because your backpacks aren’t in my line of sight.
I’m going to miss Kathy Griffin.
Kristen & Darren know what’s coming.
LAST PLACE: KRISTEN & DARREN
And they have been eliminated from the race.
“Wait, Jaime & Pierre were eliminated two rounds ago? DAMMIT, OTHERWISE WE WOULD’VE USED OUR EXPRESS PASS THEN!
MONTY: You’re finishing this race with an Express Pass?
KRISTEN: Yeah. Brutal.
DARREN: It just kinda sucks to have the Express Pass then bomb it.
KRISTEN: Yeah.
“It’s a real bummer, dude.”
Remember this season filmed just a couple months after we saw Jessica & John go home with an Express Pass in TAR 22. In the first two seasons worldwide to implement the Double Express Pass twist, the team who won them both went home as the third team eliminated from the season.
The twist worked out in the most exciting way possible for both TAR 22 and TAR Canada 1. TAR US presumably kept this twist alive for a while thinking they could get a repeat “Oy Vey” moment until eventually discarding Express Passes entirely. Fans and future contestants would do whatever they could to avoid their own “Oy Vey” moment of humiliation.
TAR Canada would cling to Double Express Passes and when nobody else would have their “Oy Vey” moment, we would have the infamous Triple Express Pass twist introduced. However, going home with an Express Pass in later seasons of TAR Canada doesn’t get much of a reaction due to half of the teams carrying them at a time.
*
Kristen says it was fun to challenge their relationship on a different level than day to day life and still come out of it and still love each other. Kristen says seeing Canada from this vantage point is “a bit of a teaser.”
Speaking of a teaser, we’re about to preview the best episode in the entire eight season history of TAR Canada, and perhaps the only episode from TAR Canada that cracks the global TAR Top 20 Episodes of All Time list.
KRISTEN: Let’s just stay here. It’s awesome here.
DARREN: Find some hippies with a camper van.
KRISTEN: Yeah.
Next Time on TAR: Teams head to Regina, Saskatchewan where they get buried by lentils, drilled by the RCMP, and the first W-Turn of the race sends teams into a panic.
BIG NOTE: It’s finally here. We get to talk about the best episode in the history of The Amazing Race Canada next time. Some people not only rank the next episode as their favourite TAR Canada episode of all time, but perhaps the best episode of The Amazing Race globally. The first three episodes and the last three episodes of this season are weak, but the middle stretch of this season is top tier. The next episode guaranteed that we were seeing a season two of TAR Canada.
Before I update my rankings, here is a funny tweet I found:
Hilarious.
Next Time on TAR Mentions:
HOLLY & BRETT 1
TIM & TIM 1
CONFESSIONAL COUNT
TIM SR / TIM JR 4/4
KRISTEN / DARREN 3/2
VANESSA / CELINA 3/3
HOLLY / BRETT 8/7
JET / DAVE 10/8
HAL JOHNSON/ JOANNE MCLEOD 7/3
JODY / CORY 10/10
Rank the Legs
1) Drumheller, Alberta -> Yellowknife, Northwest Territories -> Carcross, Yukon
Constant eagle screeches, Jet & Cord music, and cymbals when there were missed hatchet tosses aside, this is the first truly great TAR Canada episode in history. This will mark the first of four consecutive great episodes we will see this season. As I said before, the beginning phase and the ending phase to the season are by far the weakest in contrast to the middle of the season.
First, we visit not one but TWO of the territories in the same leg. Production was eager to cover every single major region of Canada in the inaugural season. That’s one thing I credit this season with doing well–Production acted as if this was going to be the only season of TAR Canada, and made sure every region was showcased. Contrast this with today where British Columbia and Ontario host fifty percent of every season.
We did get our first dreadful “Memorize and recite this written Canadian work” task, but thankfully it was a quick little Speed Bump for The Hagues. Nobody will recall this task by next week.
This leg had the popular Canadian trend of polar bear dips. Throw in lumberjack mini games, rafting, and cool landscapes and you have yourself a decent leg design.
We also had a sign-up sheet which fooled nearly everybody. Multiple teams ran by it and it should have been the season-ending blunder for Jody & Cory. Cory signed up for the final flight by accident and was riding with two teams who had Express Passes. The last ditch effort to appeal to Hal & Joanne’s definition of sportsmanship could have been a great concluding storyline for them.
Speaking of Hal & Joanne, we saw them continue to demonstrate they are the most skilled team in this cast. They’re well-liked, they excel at every task despite Joanne’s unaired torn hamstring, and were well-prepared for the season.
Given how linear the Detour and the race to the pit stop were, Jody & Cory should’ve been dead. It should’ve been a foregone conclusion. Vanessa & Celina and Kristen & Darren use their Express Passes, and Jody & Cory go home by default.
No. No. No. That didn’t happen.
Despite TAR 22 Episode 4 airing just weeks before filming of TAR Canada 1, Kristen & Darren had their own “Oy Vey” moment.
So let’s quickly compare and contrast Jessica & John handling of the Double Express Pass with Kristen & Darren handling of the Double Express Pass.
It was TAR Canada’s first experience of “See, everybody? We CAN have moments that match the American version.”
Jessica & John can be given some slack because it was an unprecedented twist in the race to figure out. After the season aired everyone knew you should just honour whatever agreement was made and keep everyone happy. If you agree to hand it off to the second place team, you should hand it off to the second place team to preserve trust amongst your allies.
Kristen & Darren instead swapped it to “we don’t like Holly & Brett so we’ll give it to the weakest team in the race.”
However, Vanessa & Celina are aware that they are a weak team and know when they needed to use it. If it’s a showdown with just one or two other teams, they have enough sense to know they’ll likely lose that showdown and need to get the hell out of there.
Kristen & Darren made identical mistakes to what Jessica & John did.
a) Stirring up mistrust for multiple rounds;
b) They had too much confidence in their own skills to think they would ever need it;
c) They got distracted by a fun couple of tasks and wanted to experience every task.
John’s judgment was clouded because he was having too much fun in Bali. Kristen & Darren were having too much fun because of the Yukon landscape and a rafting task.
The parallels were uncanny.
I am trying to think if this episode would have been well-received if it was just Jody & Cory going home by default because two Express Passes sent them home. Suddenly Cory signing up for the wrong flight would have been the blunder of the season.
The absurdity of the Double Express Pass Blunder in TAR Canada doesn’t reach the same comedic levels as TAR 22. Namely because Kristen & Darren weren’t spitting out ridiculous quotes at the pit stop nor Jon Montgomery didn’t break the third wall to cement how big of a mistake was truly made.
Canadian reality television tends to go easier on its contestants when they make mistakes in contrast to American reality television. Look at all of the quitters in Big Brother Canada and you’ll see what I mean.
Overall, this is the first episode in TAR Canada that is ranked above “meh.”
2) Kelowna, BC -> Vancouver, BC
Wow. This leg confused teams much more than I remembered. The round starts off with a foregone conclusion Jamie & Pierre are absolutely dead as their flight is several hours behind the other teams. We see Kristen & Darren being quite vulnerable this leg as they argue and botch directions numerous times. Two faulty cab rides and a poorly navigated SkyTrain ride made it clear this team is not as well-rounded as we think.
Hal & Joanne and Holly & Brett both set themselves apart as the strongest teams. Hal & Joanne picked up standby tickets to leap ahead and use their physical ability and wits to stay in a strong position. Holly & Brett’s pure wit preserved their spot at the top of the leaderboard but the consequences of their social game are starting to pile up.
We see the rivalry between Tim & Tim and Vanessa & Celina continue as Tim & Tim return the taunts from the previous pit stop.
We see a lot of Jet & Dave content this episode. We saw them waste three hours on the Detour. If Jamie & Pierre were on the first or second flight, Jet & Dave would’ve been the second boots in TAR Canada history. Jet & Dave are prone to making massive blunders. They tend to blast through a leg or get greatly hindered by one.
The ice skating Roadblock at the Richmond Oval was lame. I remember thinking about how lame it was when it originally aired nine years ago. It made me feel like I was watching somebody try to interpret a cheap knock-off version of The Amazing Race.
However, the Detour made up for it. We really tapped into Vancouver’s ever expanding Chinatown culture.
The industrial site Active Route Info was a fine way to represent Vancouver Harbour.
The sponsours weren’t distracting this leg. They were integrated well.
The pit stop was a scenic location.
This leg was a near perfect representation of Vancouver overall. The only major landmark they missed in the heart of Vancouver is the River Rock Casino. What’s amusing is we will see a Chinese casino inspired task in TAR Canada 2. I’m actually surprised we haven’t seen the River Rock featured after eight seasons of TAR Canada and multiple Vancouver legs.
Production did the best they could to create suspense if Jamie & Pierre could get out of last place, but didn’t put too much time into it. They backed off once the audience knew it was clear they had no chance of overcoming the deficit. Now that Jamie & Pierre are gone, it felt like we had seven teams on an overall level playing field.
3) Niagara Falls, Ontario -> Kelowna, BC
Out of all of the legs this season, this is the one I am the most familiar with in my personal life. Add in the fact that this was the first ever leg of TAR Canada, and that makes it a bit special. While this was filming I would’ve been sitting in a classroom just a two minute drive from the airport and fifteen minutes away from where most of this leg took place.
Jee-an’s number one thing to do on her bucket list was see Niagara Falls. That starting line certainly brought about a lot of emotional memories from last year.
While a chunk of the audience would groan when they clued in that this was going to be a domestic season, the rest of us had to accept this would ultimately be a beta test of a season. Just nine teams? Only ten legs? No language barriers? No culture shock? An obscure penalty that occurred 24 hours later takes a team out? What is this. . .?
Although I didn’t point it out during the episode, I remember how much the music was out of sync with the episode. I talked about it when it originally aired. The goofy placements, the ties that weren’t ties, and camera angles that failed to capture the perfect moments. It’s great to see what an episode of The Amazing Race looks like with an inexperienced crew that isn’t too well-versed in competitive reality television.
The premiere is a fun glimpse into how an inexperienced crew handles one of the most ambitious reality shows to produce. It makes you appreciate how well Michael Mackay handles everything with TAR Asia, Australia, and China Rush, and how well Bertram Van Munster and Elise Doganieri handle the American version.
We witnessed a very emotional exit between two teams and a whole lot of unintentional comedy. This is one of the funniest season premieres I’ve seen. Yes, a lot of the comedy is unintentional but that’s the type of comedy I prefer.
Jet throws in a hell of a lot of one-liners, multiple alliances formed, and we get a super unlikely rivalry where the youngest all-female team is after the oldest all-male team who also happen to have Parkinson’s. Good luck thinking of that in your fan fiction.
The ending to this episode is wonky. It’s a very very close foot race, but it didn’t matter the team won the foot race as they were going home by default due to a penalty that happened about 30 hours earlier. That’s a strange one.
Kelowna was represented really well. Waterfront activities, Ogopogo, and a trestle bridge. The pit stop being located at a winery was also fitting.
Throwing in the earlier flight for more “frightening” terrariums is a bit subjective, but hey, it beats the hell out of a shitty dancing challenge. I’ll take it.
Overall, this was a surprisingly well-put together leg for the first season of TAR Canada. For the next three seasons, they’ll try to one-up the premiere each season as we progress.
4) Vancouver, BC -> Drumheller, Alberta
It’s the second leg in a row with a choreography task, and this time it was a mandatory task.
The first leg had the excitement of being the series premiere with Canada as well as fans of TAR worldwide being intrigued what a TAR Canada would look like. A team was eliminated.
The second leg emphasized the Chinese culture prevalent throughout Vancouver. A team was eliminated.
This third leg had a couple of odd locations: A place to do a country dance and a place to shovel coal. A team wasn’t eliminated.
It is by far the weakest leg of the first half of this season.
It was more of a bridge episode as Kristen & Darren betrayed Holly & Brett by going back on their word, and instead hand off the second Express Pass to Vanessa & Celina. It signals that the “Everyone Wants Holly & Brett Out” storyline is now in full swing.
The rivalry between Tim & Tim and Vanessa & Celina continue. I forgot how much Tim Sr. went after them in his confessionals. It’s interesting to note just how much the other teams weren’t concerned by the Tim Hagues and Vanessa & Celina during the season. Jet mocked Vanessa & Celina’s strategy, Kristen & Darren handed them an Express Pass because they’re the weakest team, and the Tim Hagues finished in dead last. The two bottom feeders have the biggest rivalry with one another and also have the least amount of respect from the rest of the cast. That’s an unusual combination.
As I stated earlier, this is the first NEL in TAR Canada history and also the first “put on a costume and do a silly dance” in TAR Canada history. And also the first Alberta leg in TAR Canada history.
It was a shame that the Speed Bump, which fans were already getting bored with by TAR 22 US, was also adopted by TAR Canada. What’s funny is that TAR US has stopped using the Speed Bump penalty but yet TAR Canada has continued to use it through all eight seasons to the present day.
Also, it is clear from this episode just how much of a slog it is to get through the “put on a costume and dance” task. We’ll get to dissecting other puzzling permanent decisions Production has made over the years, but boy oh boy is it clear from the get-go that this type of task is not interesting to watch at all. I truly believe it is strictly used when Production needs to save money on the budget or can’t find anything to do that’s relevant to the area. This ranks up there with TAR Canada’s other favourite of “memorize this speech/pattern” in the early seasons. With dwindling budgets and lacklustre locations as the seasons progress, “put on a costume and dance” will become increasingly frequent. The one benefit is it makes my TARstorian episode recaps much faster to get through.
Overall, I don’t have much to say about this leg. Seeing the Royal Tyrell Museum brought back some pleasant childhood memories. I wish they had put the clue box at the top of the gigantic dinosaur at the Royal Tyrell Museum like in my childhood TAR fanfic. Those steps can be exhausting!
Rank the Teams
1) Treena Ley & Tennille Dorrington
They made HI-STO-RY. Treena & Tennille were eager to be competitive and outrun cowboys on their feet, but sadly the game is a game is a game.
Six of the eight seasons feature absolutely legendary first boots. Treena & Tennille get to start this legendary trend. Sadly, they will be one-upped by our first boots in season two. I can’t wait to talk about that.
Although this was a tragedy for Treena & Tennille, this proved to be a comedy for the rest of us.
As I said before, I’m curious how much nerves and the overall excitement impaired their racing abilities on the first leg. They made a lot of mistakes. They failed to read clues and couldn’t find things in plain sight. On The Amazing Race, that’s a deadly combination to send you home instantaneously.
It was great their bond with Jamie & Pierre was showcased throughout the premiere. It felt like we were really saying goodbye to Jamie & Pierre rather than Treena & Tennille during this episode as both teams had their storylines come to an end here.
I can’t help but be amused Treena & Tennille couldn’t even win the foot race to their backpacks after their speed being emphasized in the intro. The last place team in the initial foot race was the one team they had to beat to the winery mat.
Treena & Tennille gladly recognize their place in HI-STO-RY and if a team is okay with being an answer to the most commonly asked trivia question, that holds more value than seeing some town in the Maritimes.
I don’t know how far Treena & Tennille would’ve gone in the race if not for the #ButterflyPenalty, but based on what we saw, you can’t help but feel that being an early boot was inevitable for them.
They provided a lot of entertainment in just one episode. And that’s ultimately all we can ask for as an audience. An audience is an audience is an audience.
2) Kristen Idiens & Darren Trapp
Kristen & Darren went home at the right time. They weren’t the most interesting team in the cast. In fact, they were the least interesting team in the cast after Jody & Cory. “The Malnourished Hippie Dating Couple” as Jet & Dave would label them.
They were one of the most capable teams in this cast. They won the first leg and botched the strategy of the Double Express Pass as badly as Jessica & John did which is entertaining.
Kristen & Darren were prone to silly mistakes like running instead of using the metro.
And then they were also prone to a massive mistake like being in a tie for last place heading into the final task of the episode with two teams. One of these teams has an Express Pass, and the team that didn’t would choose a different Detour task from them. Oh, and then not use their own Express Pass in the process too.
Kristen & Darren’s own rafting obsession clouded their judgment and sent them home in a very memorable fashion.
They would go home in a memorable way and become a piece of trivia as the first team to exit TAR Canada with an Express Pass in their pocket. Given Kristen & Darren’s personalities, going home via blunder was probably the best way for viewers to remember them long term.
Overall, they played their part in the season. If they made it any further, they would’ve occupied a spot in the cast that would have sacrificed a more entertaining team.
P.S. I went through Kristen & Darren’s social media. Darren’s dreadlocks are gone and I don’t see a single photo of them together on either of their social media. I doubt they are still together, but perhaps they just don’t take photos together.
3) Jamie Cumberland & Pierre Cadieux
Remember how I say some teams get really sensitive about being viewed as a team with minimal skills on TAR and interpret it as an attack on who they are as people? And then I have to remind fans and alumni that being called terrible racers doesn’t mean they are terrible human beings.
Jamie & Pierre should be contenders for some of the worst racers I’ve seen on TAR. I don’t know if they are the absolute worst, but it’s tough to picture any season of TAR where Jamie & Pierre could participate without being one of the first three or four boots.
They were supposed to go home first due to being slow runners but were saved by Treena & Tennille’s errors with reading comprehension. They switched Detours. They were lost frequently. They couldn’t excel at any strategic component.
However, they aren’t really fearful or outright refusing to do any tasks and aren’t injury prone. That’s why they aren’t in that bottom rung of worst performing teams ever.
I am glad Jamie & Pierre didn’t get humiliated in the second leg by arriving at the pit stop when it was dark while all other teams checked in during broad daylight hours. I am happy they were able to exit with some dignity. This leg ended up being closer thanks to Tim & Tim and Jet & Dave’s Detour screw-ups.
As people, Jamie & Pierre seem absolutely wonderful. Pierre being a fellow widow is something editors didn’t need to include this episode but I’m absolutely glad they did purely for my own selfish reasons. The way I have chased after continuing those life experiences this summer is similar to how Pierre chased after these experiences on TAR Canada. That’s a dude who is glad he did this show even if it meant being last to step on the mat both legs.
I hope those dudes are doing well.
Team Averages
—
Below is a list of all teams from seasons I have blogged to date, ranked by racing average.
e.g. Don & Mary Jean finished 9th, 8th, 8th, 8th, and 8th. Add up the numbers and divide it by the number of legs they have played.
Therefore their average is 8.2.
Because of how long this list has become, I only show the relevant section where the eliminated team from this episode has fallen amongst the ranks of what TAR history has to offer.
— B+ —
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 2
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF TAR 4
5th Kynt & Vyxsin 3.63 Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 12
7th Sticky & Sam 3.625 Must Vote U-Turned and Used Express Pass TAR Australia 2
1st Eric & Danielle All Stars 3.62 – Yielded Twice, saved by NEL once TAR 11
2nd Jaymes & James 3.583 “U-Turned” once and used U-Turn once TAR 21
2nd Jeremy & Sandy 3.58 TAR 19
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF, saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
6th Mel & Mike 3.57 TAR 14
5th Ethan & Khairie 3.56 TAR Asia 4
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56 TAR 6
3rd Ida & Tania 3.54 Saved by NEL twice TAR Asia 3
7th Kristen & Darren 3.50 Won Double Express Pass and Didn’t Use It TAR Canada 1 (Only 9 Teams Cast)
4th Joseph & Monica 3.50 – Yielded TAR 9
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46 TAR Asia 1
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46 – Used Yield and Yielded TAR 6
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