The Amazing Race Canada 1 Episode 3 Rankings: Vanessa Morgan Stars as the Coal Miner’s Daughter Feat. Jet & Dave Throwing Cheerleaders and Twisting Mustaches

EPISODE THREE

EPISODE BLOG #348: Vanessa Morgan Stars as the Coal Miner’s Daughter Feat. Jet & Dave Throwing Cheerleaders and Twisting Mustaches

COUNTRIES VISITED

CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA

The Facebook group I admin: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TAR247/
My Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/supacoowacky/
My Twitter: https://twitter.com/logsupacoowacky
The Podcast I Co-Host: https://rtvwarriors.podbean.com/

As always, this blog is dedicated to my late partner Jee-an. I recently visited her cemetery in the Philippines during my backpacking trip over the past three months. I hope to visit you again next year when I need to escape the Canadian snow once more. We all miss you.

Previously on TAR: Eight teams left Kelowna to continue the most thrilling race across our country. Once in Vancouver, teams took to the ice. Some were hot and some were not. Kristen & Darren got tangled up in the urban jungle costing them the lead. The Chinatown Detour left Jet & Dave lost in translation. The Doctors Holly & Brett won the second leg. The cowboys Jamie & Pierre finished last and walked off into the sunset. Seven teams remain as they race across the country then blah blah blah sponsoured prizes.

Previously on TAR Mentions:
KRISTEN & DARREN 2
JAMIE & PIERRE 2
TIM & TIM 1
VANESSA & CELINA 1
TREENA & TENNILLE 1
JET & DAVE 1
HOLLY & BRETT 1

Monty re-introduces us to Vancouver. It is Canada’s Pacific playground. It’s a nature lover’s paradise (except for nature lovers Kristen & Darren who were ready to beat the living shit out of incompetent taxi drivers) and was the birthplace of Green Peace. The Vancouver Convention Centre, the country’s greenest meeting place until hundreds of thousands of people gathered on Parliament Hill to legalize weed, racers will start the third leg and continue racing across Canada.

Doobie! It’s the Doobie Brothers! Smoking Doobies with my Brothers!

Holly & Brett, who arrived first at an undisclosed time, will depart first at 3:57am.

There’s a chance this could’ve been a traditional twelve hour pit stop.

Holly reads they will fly to Calgary, Alberta.

JON MONTGOMERY: Teams will now fly east over the Rocky Mountains to the city I now proudly call home–Calgary, Alberta.

Oh c’mon, Jon. I thought I’m the only one who references my connections to various cities visited on The Amazing Race! You didn’t reference that Vernon is the home of the TARstorian when TAR Canada 8 came here this year.

NOTE: Jon Montgomery no longer lives in Calgary. He has since moved to Victoria. There are a lot of people who suffer by moving to Alberta to earn good money while living in cheaper housing for years and years until they can eventually get themselves out of that hell hole and move out to B.C. A third of the people in my high school grad class did that. Calgary is a hell of a lot cheaper than the Okanagan or Vancouver.

Beforehand, they must head to an Internet cafe in downtown Vancouver and book their flights on the official Air Canada website.

For some reason, the name of the Internet cafe isn’t specified. It’s Nicola’s. Does anyone else have a tough time not saying the name “Nicola” without using a mildly offensive Italian or Serbian accent while pressing their four fingers against their thumb on their left hand facing up?

There are a lot of options.

Who buys Flex fare from Vancouver to Calgary when flying the same day?! You’re just pissing away a hundred bucks!

By the way, Vancouver to Calgary flights on one day’s notice in September hover around 200 bucks. I’m sure it is much more expensive between May and August (TAR Canada 1 mostly filmed in May).

Holly asks to go to 1565 Robson Street. Google Maps indicates there isn’t a business there when I just Google’d it. Let’s do some more digging.

Oh. It’s permanently closed. 2.5/5 stars on Yelp. Should we take a gander at some reviews?

I think somebody should pay -me- to suffer through 200kb/s Internet speed. Even the Internet in the Philippines is better than that.

I hope we get a montage of teams punching the computer monitor in the cafe out of frustration while booking their tickets.

Holly & Brett reiterate that they strategize as much as possible because they aren’t a physical team. They are curious how far behind Hal & Joanne are.

Brett checks the rearview mirror in case Hal & Joanne casually rollerblade by them.

Hal & Joanne depart second at 4:12am. Joanne says Hal has been her rock for twenty-five years. Bodybreak is celebrating its 25th anniversary so I guess when they started that program Hal became a rock.

HAL: We’re cooking. We’re cooking with gas.

“Do you smell what a rock is cookin’?”

Jody & Cory depart third at 4:51am. Given that they entered DP World as Hal & Joanne were exiting on the previous leg, either Jody took a while getting up the stairs or Jody wasn’t as effective with the binoculars as the edit made us believe.

Cory’s plan is to find a map in Calgary. He’s happy to leap four spots in the standings.

JODY: Hopefully jump a few more spots today.

A few? You can’t leap a few spots. You’re already in third place. You can only leap two.

Kristen & Darren depart fourth at 4:58am. Kristen tells us they MUST hand over the second Express Pass to another team.

“If we don’t give away our second Express Pass, they say they’ll cut off access to the Fairmont Hot Springs to the general public.”

Man. I didn’t know those threats go back nine years in Kristen & Darren’s hometown. Yikes.

We get a flashback to the deal from the Kelowna leg where the teams from the first flight agreed that whoever won the leg would give the second Express Pass to the second place team within the group.

KRISTEN: We know Holly & Brett are anxious to find out if we’re giving them the Express Pass.
DARREN: We want to stay true to our word.
KRISTEN: But there’s something in our gut that tells us we shouldn’t trust them.

What -is- in your gut? Jet says Darren is malnourished. According to him, Darren’s gut is just eating itself by this point!

If Kristen & Darren keep to their word (as they should) and Holly & Brett continue screwing people over, EVERYONE will be going out of their way to protect each other with the primary goal being to fuck over Holly & Brett out of the race.

If Kristen & Darren don’t keep their word, whoever receives the Express Pass will be grateful, but any sort of alliance building or unspoken coalitions with other teams will be immediately kaput.

Again, we just watched how badly John & Jessica fucked up their second Express Pass in TAR 22 just two months prior to when TAR Canada 1 started filming. Their wishy-washy behaviour and hesitating to keep their word led to the creation of a counter-alliance that ultimately went all the way to the Final Four together and dominated the entire second half of the season.

Don’t. Break. Deals. On. The. First. Leg.

As a viewer, however, it is ten times more entertaining to see people screw up the strategic components of TAR in the worst way possible.

So I encourage Kristen & Darren to break their word with absolutely no personal gain for them in the process.

*

Holly & Brett enter the Internet Cafe.

“So you can use that computer which has a speed of 200kb/s or our high speed computer which has a speed of 300kb/s.”
“. . .So this is why Production made us start this leg before four o’ clock in the morning.”

“I’m going to check RFF to see if they’ve spotted us yet, and squeeze in a few rounds of Candy Crush if we’re not in a hurry.”

Once again, Holly & Brett are on a 7:00am flight.

We see the #23. Holly & Brett are the Michael Jordan of booking flights.

We skip ahead to a fellow who wears the #23: Hal Johnson. We have a lot of MJ fans here.

Joanne is happy she booked aisle seats.

Vanessa & Celina depart fifth at 5:23am.

Uhhhhh, where are you going, Vanessa? The road is the other way.

Vanessa & Celina laugh at themselves. Vanessa asks the driver to take any shortcuts. She’ll regret that request if the shortcut is through East Hastings Street.

Vanessa is already stressed out.

The Tim Hagues depart sixth at 5:44am. Tim Sr. is annoyed he has been in sixth place for the first two legs. That means they’ve only beaten one team who isn’t Jamie & Pierre or Treena & Tennille.

TIM SR: Our goal is to move up the line. We’d like to see at least fourth place.

“Or just any position that is ahead of Vanessa & Celina. That works too.”

Jet & Dave depart last at 5:45am.

YES! WE’RE NOT SKIPPING DEPARTURE TEAMS AND NOT SHOWING TEAMS OUT OF ORDER LEAVING THE PIT STOP! HOORAY! IT’S RECTIFIED AFTER ONE LEG!

Jet & Dave say nice guys finish last.

Nice guys also don’t get with the program and wear #23 like everyone else. I can’t believe Jet was just one lousy number off from copying Holly & Brett and Hal & Joanne.

JET: Max out all four cylinders on this minivan.

“He hit the NOS!”

JET: AH! HE’S NUTS!

The driver is so damn confused.

We cut to Vancouver (YVR) Airport. Gates open for one of those shitty gift shops. Holly & Brett enter.

In case viewers have forgotten from ninety seconds ago, Holly & Brett are on the 7:00am flight.

Brett starts fucking around with the map racks.

BRETT: Here’s Alberta.

Given there’s probably at least ninety minutes until boarding,

BRETT: For us strategy in this race is a key component.

I am amazed how many times a variation of that confessional has been used in just two and a quarter episodes. Editors are trying too hard to say Holly & Brett are 100 percent mental and 0 percent physical.

We see Brett move to a third rack of maps in this shop.

This seems like a lot of physical effort is being exerted to move these maps. Crouching down with a heavy backpack on your back and using your core muscles to remain stable as you move things around isn’t easy.

The funny thing is YVR has these shitty gift shops everywhere in the domestic departure zone. I don’t know if Holly & Brett are banking on teams giving up after searching one shop, but it seems like excessive work for something that won’t prevent teams from finding a map elsewhere anyway.

It is entertaining to see a team try to be this creative with strategy in TAR Canada, though.

“I know the game we’re playing now–excessive strategizing while simultaneously entertaining the audience.”

Jody & Cory enter the same shitty gift shop.

Jody points out the empty spot on the map rack.

JODY: Look. There’s an empty spot right there. I bet someone bought all the Calgary maps. Sneaky pricks.

This would be a great time for TAR Canada to use hashtags just like the American version.

As Phil Keoghan would say, one opportunity wasted.

We do need to take a moment to recognize that the Calgary maps are trying to sing and not a goddamn child out there will be able to hear it because Brett hid them. Now we won’t know who is the one who any place it can get, I bet!

Vanessa & Celina and the Tim Hagues book the 8:00am flight at Nicola Internet Cafe.

As long as the manager behind the counter isn’t on the phone while they access the Internet, the purchase should go through.

I wonder if any of the TAR Canada 8 teams came here just to practice snooker several years ago.

Vanessa hopes she can get to the Air Canada desk before other teams and switch their ticket to the 7:00am flight.

I believe this is the first time a team has paid their cab fare by debit card in the history of The Amazing Race. It’s a historic moment. This allows for Vanessa & Celina to beat them to the counter.

“Can you bump us up to the earlier flight? We’re Hal Johnson’s cousins.”

The International Court of Justices are stuck right behind Vanessa & Celina once again.

In the eyes of Tim Hague Sr., there is no justice. That’s the look of somebody who is preparing to have his ass kicked by freakin’ Vanessa & Celina for the third leg in a row. This is hilarious.

TIM SR: The girls, Vanessa & Celina, they amaze me that they continue to do well as they do. We’re going to track them down. They’re our next target.

They are Senior’s next target? Who was his previous target?

 

I just can’t imagine Tim Sr. being threatened enough by Treena & Tennille or Jamie & Pierre to warrant being a target.

It’s like when Ray spent twenty years of his life going after Meredith & Gretchen. Like, c’mon man, there are teams who need to be dealt with on a more immediate basis. I don’t even know if Meredith & Gretchen are still alive today.

I mean, those two are older than Queen Elizabeth II.

Vanessa & Celina giggle all the way onto the plane.

“Did you ladies find a map?”

Monty chimes in that all teams are flying to Calgary on two separate flights. Once they land they must choose a Chevy Silverado and drive themselves to the statue Outlaw. It is the legendary Calgary Stampede rodeo bull which tossed fifty-seven cowboys before letting just one go for a ride. When they find Outlaw, they’ll find their next clue.

Jamie & Pierre must be seething that the previous leg wasn’t a NEL right now.

I wonder how many dumbass Albertans wait until night time and then pretend to ride the Outlaw statue while their buddies film them and post the videos on TikTok.

The 7:00am flight takes off from YVR.

I wonder what Joanne McLeod is listening to?

My guess is she is listening to “Let’s Get Physical” by Olivia Newton-John on repeat.

Hal & Joanne, Vanessa & Celina, Kristen & Darren, Jody & Cory, and Holly & Brett are all on the flight together.

In the words of DMX, Kristen & Darren gon’ give it to ya, Malnourished Hippies gon’ give it to ya. . .

Conveniently, Vanessa & Celina are sitting directly in front of them. Kristen taps Celina on the shoulder.

OF COURSE Celina is going to say that Holly & Brett wouldn’t have given Kristen the Express Pass if the scenario was reversed.

She would be an absolute moron to say “I’m surprised if you’re giving me the Express Pass because Holly & Brett would’ve kept their word.”

Celina is going to support any narrative Kristen is framing that leads to her receiving the Express Pass, regardless of whether or not she believes it.

Also, Kristen said “The way we think it should’ve worked out is first and last, [Holly & Brett’s] way didn’t make any sense.”

OK. So you wanted first and last to receive the Express Pass? Can we go back to Wikipedia for a second?

Vanessa & Celina didn’t even finish last on either of the first two legs. Maybe the last team from the first flight in Leg 1? But even it doesn’t make sense. Who on Earth would make a deal where the team who comes in last in the alliance gets the Express Pass? If a team knows they aren’t in first and know Treena & Tennille and Jamie & Pierre are ten hours behind them, they’re not going to be going as fast as they can to the pit stop.

I think Kristen’s reasoning is more of a human coping mechanism to not just come out and say “we’re not giving Holly & Brett the Express Pass because we don’t like them as much as other teams.”

KRISTEN: Brett & Holly. . .they’re a very competitive team and we don’t feel like the sisters are as much of a threat to us.

Bam! That’s the reasoning right there.

What’s funny is the Express Pass is not a very useful item to begin with. It has yet to save a team from elimination (arguably once in TAR 18 with Gary & Mallory) and has essentially been a non-factor.

However, the impact of figuring out who gets the second Express Pass really impacted Jessica & Anders’ social standing in TAR 22 and now with Kristen & Darren also breaking their word will also impact their social standing here in TAR Canada (1).

Vanessa & Celina are rarely ahead of Kristen & Darren and won’t be able to protect them or really help them out in any meaningful way going ahead. Also, if you do happen to be on the brink of elimination, the one team you’re guaranteed to beat to the mat now have a minor weapon they can use to edge you out in a really close situation.

Again, the Double Express Pass had only just finished out prior to filming TAR Canada 1 so nobody has sat down and analyzed it as much as people will have when the Double Express Pass is figured out by TAR 24 and beyond.

Editing error: The graphic of where to go is on the lower third but the narration was done minutes ago by Jon Montgomery.

Vanessa dances in the hallway celebrating the unexpected minor reward.

We finally see the writing on their shirts clearly. Minnie and Mighty. This brings back a memory from high school for me where I asked out a woman whose nickname was Minnie and she turned me down. Thanks for the PTSD, Vanessa.

Holly saw Vanessa & Celina with the Express Pass. After this betrayal, Holly & Brett are going to go absolutely scorched Earth on EVERYONE left in the game. The one deal they make is the one that backfires on them.

This should be fun.

Cory used to live in Calgary. He knows exactly where to drive.

Hal & Joanne are first to Outlaw. Hal’s test driving of Chevy vehicles before the race clearly paid off with the Silverado.

They read they must drive to Ranchman’s Cookhouse and search the exterior for their next clue.

And yes, the clue is in a saddle.

Hal & Joanne are first, Jody & Cory are second, Vanessa & Celina are third, Kristen & Darren are fourth, and Holly & Brett are fifth.

Panicking about being in fifth, Brett starts jumping up and down on the sidewalk shouting “The car! The car!” like a hyper dog barking and waiting to have their leash put on by its owner so it can go for a walk outside.

“Outside! Outside! I wanna go outside!”

Holly tells Brett to relax.

Hal & Joanne pull up to Ranchman’s Cookout and grab the clue. It’s a Roadblock.

ROADBLOCK HINT: Who wants to get in line?

Ah, fuck. It’s a dancing task. And this time it’s mandatory.

TAR CANADA DANCING TASK COUNTER: 2
TAR CANADA SPEECH MEMORIZATION TASK COUNTER: 0

Two episodes in a row. Typical TAR Canada.

JON MONTGOMERY: This Roadblock will have teams wearing big hats, even bigger belt buckles, and learning a traditional country western line dance right here in Cow Town. . .

That’s the highlight of the whole Roadblock, by the way.

Monty further explains that the teams will learn the complicated routine with a group of experienced line dancers. When an unnamed champion line dancer feels they performed the dance correctly, they’ll receive their next clue.

Sweet move, sir.

Hal asks Joanne if she wants to do it. She does.

Albeit reluctantly.

Brett is really losing his mind in the Silverado.

BRETT: Right, north would be like this? North is up. North is up. Where’s our hotel? Where’s our hotel?

By the way, he is actively driving while his eyes are clearly not on the road. This is even more dangerous than texting and driving.

That is so dangerous.

BRETT: Where’s our hotel, Holl? Where’s our hotel? Holl, just stay calm, okay?
HOLLY: I am calm.

lol. That’s such a human thing to do. The panicking husband asks his chill wife to stay calm. This is hilarious.

Also:

Episode 1 “Holl” Count: 15
Episode 2 “Holl” Count: 7
Episode 3 “Holl” Count: 2
Total “Holl” Count: 24

Just call me the “Holl” monitor.

Cory knows it’s line dancing. Jody will do his best.

JODY: I can handle it even with carbon fibre feet. No way I’m getting boots on.

And yes, we get a close-up of Jody’s feet.

The second flight lands containing just Jet & Dave and the Tim Hagues.

TIM SR: Let’s catch up to them.

Why does it say “Tied for Last Place?” Tim Hague Sr. just said “let’s catch up to them” indicating that he is behind Jet & Dave.

IT’S NOT A TIE IF A TEAM IS AHEAD!

This isn’t a tie either.

Holly & Brett are third to the Roadblock. Brett asks Holly if she can do line dancing. She hesitates before agreeing to do so.

Instead of running the extra ten feet, Kristen & Darren opt to do some parkour.

Kristen volunteers Darren to line dance. Maybe she hated how much she was dancing around on the ice last Roadblock.

Much like the Alberta bull riding task in TAR Australia 2, we’ve got a lot of observers here too.

In TAR Canada 4 there’s that “Guide Your Light” or “Shine Your Light” or whatever that Vietnamese karaoke song was.

Here we’ve got some shitty Canadian country woman’s song playing that I’ve never heard outside of this episode of TAR Canada 1.

And yes, I’m Googling the lyrics to see if I can find a match on the Internet right now. . .

Nope. I failed. No results came up on Google. I even watched the end credits to see if the song or the artist was cited. I couldn’t find it.

That’s your mission. Find a Canadian country song used on Canadian television for a few minutes a decade ago.

We watch all five of them rehearse. Holly is struggling.

JODY: There was a double kick with a “y’all!”

Jody would rather be back in Afghanistan than do this task.

Rehearsing.

What’s funny is that at a lot of bars in Alberta they do lines that you snort rather than lines that you dance. I think these contestants would prefer those lines a lot more right now.

Although Brett taking part in snorting those types of lines would make him absolutely out of control with energy. WOO! COW TOWN!

HAL: Jo, most importantly, you look good.

Ladies and gentlemen, Hal Johnson would like for everyone to know he is at half mast.

I could’ve sworn I saw Hal & Joanne talk about line dancing before.

“Line dancing will give you unbelievable energy.”

“And let’s not forget–a better sex life.”

I see.

This reminds me of my mom’s Richard Simmons exercise tapes. Instead of “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” it’s “Sweatin’ to the Piece of Shit Prairie Country Music.”

JOANNE: We had done line dancing for Bodybreak many years ago and it was simple compared to this.

It was on Bodybreak, eh?

Hal Johnson REALLY didn’t want to do line dancing even back then.

Joanne enjoyed line dancing much more than Hal did.

Also, I wish Hal Johnson would cosplay as Mario in Western Land in Mario Party 2 more often.

Joanne’s first attempt is a fail. Those who do a dancing task always get judged by a tougher rubric.

Vanessa & Celina are fifth to the Roadblock.

We see the Roadblock hint.

VANESSA: I want to do it.
CELINA: You want to do it, eh?

Eh? Eh? Eh? Welcome to TAR Canada.

Cory casually chit-chats with an older woman about how Jody isn’t a dancer and has prosthetic legs.

If Jody fails enough times, Cory will have enough time to get absolutely shit-faced courtesy of Budweiser.

Jody gets into the moves. He fails anyway.

Holly goes. She also fails. Holly says she loves line dancing but is a terrible dancer.

“Please end this public humiliation.”

Apparently copying Jessica Simpson in the “These Boots Are Made for Walkin'” just wasn’t enough.

NOTE: I waited four more weeks before working on this episode again. These dancing tasks are really tough for me to get through. OK, let’s bang this out, Cow Town.

VANESSA: Memory memory memory.

We see Darren memorizing the steps too.

“They call them fingers but they don’t even fing, and my balls feel like grapefruits right now.”

Hal Johnson is getting impatient right now.

Kristen taps Brett on the shoulder.

KRISTEN: Hey Brett. While I’ve got you, I want to apologize for going back on your word–
BRETT: buhuhbuh you’re playing your game. You’re playing your game.
KRISTEN: Can I explain?
(We cut to later on in the conversation.)
BRETT: I’ll be honest with you. Holl and I, we’re orthopedic surgeons. We work with families. Our word is something, but integrity aside, we would’ve given it to you for sure. I know you know that.

Kristen winces at those words.

BRETT: It’s okay. You play your game.

KRISTEN (confessional): When you question our integrity, something we base our entire lives on, I wanted to punch him in the face.

You JUST backed out of the only deal anybody has made so far this season (out of the footage that has aired on TV)!!! Of course people are going to question your integrity.

There’s a big difference between constantly scheming and breaking your word.

Holly & Brett are schemers. They’re using every rule to their advantage and sacrificing social bonds to get ahead. However, they’re the type where they will stick to a specific deal they have made. Good Survivor, The Mole, and The Amazing Race players may be perceived as jackasses but will stick to their deals early on in the game.

Kristen & Darren, despite being perceived as the nicest and kindest team in this cast, also happen to be the only team to sacrifice a piece of their integrity. You can’t break a deal early on because you just don’t like the other team you made the deal with at the start of the season. You still broke it.

As somebody observing closely from the sidelines, this is fascinating to see unfold. Remember: Big Brother Canada 1 and TAR Canada 1 both aired at roughly the same time. This is the first year where Canadians get to experience how alliances work on reality TV shows.

BRETT: We’ll beat your ass. We’ll beat your ass anyway. Don’t worry, okay?
KRISTEN: Good luck with that. If it comes down to a sprint, you’re done.

HAL JOHNSON: Don’t worry guys, I’ll beat both of your asses anyway so it won’t matter.

Darren wants a puke bag. He fails his first attempt vomit-free.

JODY: The guys on the next flight are going to catch up at this rate.

We cut to the Tim Hagues pulling into the Roadblock in sixth. Tim Sr. is going to do it.

TIM SR: There’s a whole lot of Chevy Silverados here.

Joanne fails her second attempt. So does Jody. So does Holly. Vanessa fails her first attempt.

It’s a good thing she became a dancer instead of an actress.

Jet & Dave are looking for the clue.

DAVE: Is it inside?
JET: It said exterior. What does exterior mean in Alberta?

I dunno, but you’ll likely have to ask someone from the rest of Canada because most Albertans don’t know what ‘exterior’ means either.

Jet & Dave really need to make an appointment with an optometrist after this season is over.

Maybe go see the same one as Misa & Maiya saw after TAR 20.

Jet says Dave has “got this” and believes in him.

Jet & Dave are shocked to see they have caught up to all of the teams.

Joanne succeeds on her third attempt.

This is the most animated I have seen Joanne.

Harold & Joanne read the clue.

HAROLD: Drive yourselves to Hooties. . .hoo. . .
JOANNE: Hoodoodies. . .Hoodoos.
HAROLD: Hoodies. Drumheller, Alberta. Drumheller.

Yeah. Hal is just going to say Drumheller from now on.

Monty chimes in to say teams must drive themselves 130 kilometres east to Drumheller which is the heart of the Canadian Badlands where over forty different species of dinosaurs have been discovered. Here they’ll explore the geological wonders known as the Hoodoos formed through millions of years of erosion. This is where teams will find their next clue.

The Hoodoodies.

Hal & Joanne read new words the same way as my parents do. Is that something that magically happens whenever a married couple turns 50 years old?

Anyways, yes, I went to Drumheller when I was ten years old. We spent the day walking across a rickety bridge, exploring the Hoodoos during a brutal sandstorm, and went to the famous Royal Tyrrell Museum as a day trip.

The funniest thing is the Hoodoos and the giant dinosaur outside of the Tyrrell Museum left such a strong impression on me that I thought it would make such a great location for The Amazing Race (I even wrote a TAR fan fiction and Survivor fan fiction when I was eleven years old that had Drumheller as the first leg).

When this episode aired it was surreal given something I wrote in a fan fiction as a young boy was being brought to life on TV albeit in the Canadian version.

So here we are. Three legs in a row where Production goes to really the only three cities in all of Canada that I was quite familiar with at the time.

HAL: Jo, you looked fantastic. You did. You looked really good.

If they knew they had a bigger lead, they’d pull over and do it in the car right now. Hal & Joanne haven’t put out a tape since the Ab Master, anyway.

Hal is thinking along the same lines as Juelz Santana right now. “If you can dance, you can bump, and dance time is us.”

Tim Sr. makes his first attempt.

TIM JR: Let’s go, Dad. Show him how the Black man dances.

Yeah, he has to channel his inner Chris Tucker.

SIDE NOTE: I was looking up the Passion of the Christ 2 parody from Family Guy with Chris Tucker and for the first time I noticed Jesus’ license plate says “WWID” instead of “WWJD.” It made me laugh for a while.

Tim Sr. fails his first attempt.

JET: Anderson Cooper is so hardcore.

Oh man, that judge looks offended. I know they take their heterosexuality very very seriously in Alberta.

If I was Anderson Cooper, I would give all of Alberta the red screen.

Jody fails his third attempt.

CORY: My brother doesn’t have ankles so he can’t do a lot of things.

“My brother can’t do a lot of things because he doesn’t have ankles. That’s why I wear three anklets on each of my ankles every day. I’m not taking my ankles for granted.”

You know what would really piss off the audience? If the guy with the physical disability in the cast goes home because of his physical disability. Especially given that Jody is a war hero too. That’d be another great way for this franchise to start.

Darren succeeds at his third attempt.

When you realize you don’t have to listen to that fucking awful song anymore.

When you realize you do have to listen to that fucking awful song some more.

Kristen & Darren complete the Roadblock in second place.

KRISTEN: Drive yourself to the Koodos outside Drumheller, Alberta.
DARREN: YEAHHHHH!!!! WOOOO!
KRISTEN: Yeah, you know it, eh? Let’s go.

All he said was “YEAHHHH WOOOO.” He could just be celebrating his personal victory over a shitty Albertan country dance, Kristen.

We some more rehearsing. The remaining participants are getting frustrated.

The exact quote was “I wish, fuck, why can’t it be hip hop?”

Vanessa is never coming back to Alberta.

Hal & Joanne pull into the Hoodoos. Hal comments it is different than anywhere else in Canada. They open the clue. It’s a Detour.

Rock beats scissors, Monty.

Jon Montgomery says teams will dive into Alberta’s history and experience two of Drumheller’s toughest professions–Lump By Lump or Bone By Bone.

LUMP BY LUMP

In Lump By Lump, teams will experience Fergie’s Fergalicious lovely lady lumps. Afterwards, they’ll hope she agrees to jump Bone By Bone.

Nah, just kidding.

In Lump By Lump, teams drive to Atlas Coal Mine. This national historic site located on the outskirts of Drumheller is the last wooden coal table from days gone by. Once here, a train named Linda will take teams for a short ride.

When teams arrive at the wash house, they’ll change into their coal mining suits and grab their team tags before heading out to the mine. Once arrived, teams will use shovels to load and trim a two ton car with mine coal. When the heavy and dusty coal reaches the top of all four sides, and the tags are correctly fastened, a waiting coal miner with a sweet moustache will inspect their car. Once the miner is satisfied that the car is trimmed and loaded correctly, they’ll receive their next clue.

Maybe he could replace Jon Montgomery as the host if Monty quits.

BONE BY BONE

In Bone By Bone, teams will drive to the Royal Tyrrell Museum–Canada’s only museum dedicated to the science of palaeontology. Once here, racers will study one of the world’s largest dinosaur displays. They’ll then move to the preparation lab at the opposite end of the museum. They’ll assemble a dinosaur model from memory. When all of the bones are in all of the right places, a specific palaeontologist will hand them their next clue.

Oh, it’s some of the admins of The Amazing Race Fans. Neat.

Neither the coal miner nor the palaeontologist is named.

We get to see the full clue.

Hal & Joanne choose Lump By Lump because it requires physical strength.

Oh god. We cut back to the Roadblock. Tim Sr. fails his second attempt.

Hal & Joanne find Linda.

HAL: Linda must be the kaboose.

Just like me in my mid-20s at the nightclubs in South America and Europe, Hal & Joanne are riding behind that kaboose.

Jet and Brett talk about how Holly isn’t used to failing at things.

If Holly continues to fail at dancing, I’m sure she’ll succeed at mass murder VERY soon.

Holly fails a third time.

BRETT: Holl, Holl, it’s okay.

Vanessa pretends to shoot into the air.

“Pew! Pew!”

Celina says Vanessa is an amazing dancer and that this task is what they need right now. Vanessa succeeds on the third attempt.

I was curious if this song was actually used or if they needed it to overplay copyrighted music in the episode, but Vanessa clearly mouths the final line of the song.

Vanessa succeeds on her third attempt and exits the Roadblock in third place.

Kristen & Darren are second to the Detour. Darren suggests Lump By Lump. Kristen agrees.

Hal & Joanne get into the Wash House. They change. Joanne reads out the instructions. I assume this means somebody screws up the instructions.

JOANNE: Wow. This is a great workout. Upper body. Lower body. No wonder the coal miners are fit.

But I bet they have some back problems and black lung disease.

Loretta Lynn, the Coal Miner’s Daughter, died yesterday as of when I wrote this. That’s a hell of a coincidence. Her dad died at the age of 53 due to black lung disease.

I think Hal & Joanne may want to stay away from that whole Coal Mining episode of Bodybreak that they were planning.

We cut to Dave at the Roadblock. He starts shimmy’ing for the judge and the other dancers.

She’s going to motorboat him right then and there.

JET: I’ll go start the car.

DAVE (confessional): I’m also a two-time national champion in cheerleading.

DAVE (confessional): And I just chuck girls. That’s my role. My role is chucking girls. I throw ’em and I catch ’em.

The Vipers really would fit in with the Purple Cobras’ cheerleading squad.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This is when I stopped to cover TAR 34 in November and December 2022, and then went on my three month backpacking trip between January 4 and March 30 of 2023. This is when I resumed working on this episode.

“I’m not a player I just cheerlead a lot.”

And then we get to learn about Jet Black’s story about growing up with Jully Black as a famous sibling who overshadowed his police and modeling career.

Wait? I used the Jet Black and Jully Black surname joke five months ago when I did my episode two recap? DAMMIT! SON OF A BITCH! 300+ episodes and I’m running out of material.

Five months later and I’m still trying to get through this episode.

If there’s any proof of how much I hate listening to country music and watch line dancing, it’s the fact it is taking me HALF A YEAR to get through one goddamn episode of TARstorian.

 They had an actual live band for this task. I thought it was just one singer. I guess this is back in the day when CTV had enough money to pay multiple live performers on TV shows.

The best case scenario for TAR Canada 9 is to find just enough cash to pay The Shawn Lightfoot Band to play in an episode. Take what you can afford, CTV!

Dave is on his third attempt.

“Yahoo!”

Dave succeeds on his third attempt and celebrates by picking up one of the women.

Dave nearly tosses her to the ground with a crisp judo technique.

Jet swoops in to pick up one of the other dancers.

“Don’t motorboat her don’t motorboat her don’t motorboat her.”

Dave then proceeds to pick up Jet.

Your only two-time TAR Canada contestants ever, ladies and gentlemen.

Dave also picks up the judge. At this rate he is going to pick up everyone in the bar including the house band.

“Fuckin’ showboats.”

Jet & Dave exit the bar.

Holly is on her fourth attempt. She fails. Holly fails a fifth time. She fails a sixth time. She says she’s done. She fails a seventh time. That’s the cliffhanger we get heading into the ad break.

Holly succeeds on her eighth attempt. In other words, she succeeds immediately after the commercial break. Holly & Brett are in fifth place.

Dunno what the hell Brett is trying to do here.

Holly & Brett are confused by reading the word “Hoodoos.” I don’t think they’ve ever heard of it.

We cut to Vanessa & Celina in the car. Vanessa is reading the map.

VANESSA: I-27.

I-27. . .Interstate 27? Ummmm. Canada doesn’t have interstates, Nessa.

If Vanessa & Celina try to drive onto I-27, they’ll be driving into Texas.

That would shatter the franchise record for driving the most off course in TAR Canada history since Jet & Dave drove two hours in the opposite direction in TARC 7.

VANESSA: I would say our sense of direction is not the best.

To be fair, Alberta is often referred to as Canada’s Texas.

VANESSA: What highway are we on?
CELINA: The 5 North I think it is.

“. . .That’s what I meant to say.”

I should note Drumheller is on Highway 9 according to a quick Google search. Highway 5 isn’t -too- far away, though.

We get an eagle screech as we switch to Hal & Joanne shoveling coal at the Detour. There is also a rattling sound effect.

Keep Fit and Have Serum On Hand.

The idea of the Bodybreak couple stepping on a venomous snake and getting bitten during the first season of TAR Canada would be hilarious.

They ask for approval.

Nah, he was just screwin’ with them. The clue is theirs.

For finishing in first place, they get to twiddle his mustache.

“Whatever you do, don’t send Jet & Dave to this Detour.”

Hal & Joanne complete the Detour in first place before anyone else has shown up. That puts them in the spotlight as the strongest team in this cast.

Harold & Joanne read they must drive themselves to Horsethief Canyon Overlook to find Jon at the next Pit Stop. The last team to check in may be eliminated.

Hal is wearing a mask the same way most elderly people did at my local grocery store during 2020.

We get to see the full clue.

Jon jumps in to say teams must drive north on I-17 to Horse Thief Canyon Overlook. The landscape known as Canada’s Badlands because it is the land of a bad TAR Canada episode serves as the third pit stop in a race across Canada (and was once used to smuggle horses).

There’s a horse smuggler right there, Jon! Let’s take that motherfucker down!

Hal & Joanne say that the only ones who could beat them to the pit stop are “the girls with the Express Pass.” These two teams sound like they’re close friends.

Kristen & Darren pull into the Detour as Hal & Joanne pull away.

DARREN: What?!

“Keep Fit and Eat My Chevy Dust.”

Darren says it’s sweet to be entering a coal mine. I guess the bar is lowered after you’ve suffered through country music.

“We came here last year for Valentine’s Day.”

Jody is on his sixth attempt. He fails. Tim Sr. fails his fourth attempt. Cory says the word “out” in a funny way.

Cory tells Tim Jr. that they have been line dancing for over three hours.

Cory and Tim Jr.’s faces look like two people who have had to sit through listening to country music for three hours.

Kristen & Darren are shoveling coal. Jet & Dave show up to the Detour in third place. They also choose Lump By Lump.

Vanessa & Celina are surprised to see Jet & Dave at the Detour before them. Jet & Dave are surprised Vanessa & Celina are at the Detour after them. Jet & Dave tell them the location of the clue box.

Clearly everyone wants to help Vanessa & Celina.

JET: Guaranteed the Girls are not going to take Lump By Lump.

CELINA: Lump By Lump.

Guarantee void in Tennessee.

Vanessa & Celina take their lovely lady lumps to go do Lump By Lump.

Kristen & Darren think their coal is ready for hauling. The judge rejects them.

I guess Kristen & Darren were too anxious to twiddle his mustache.

Kristen & Darren don’t understand why their haul was rejected. The coal is touching all four sides and overflowing. Darren notes the tags were in the wrong spot. He shifts them. The judge approves their haul.

If this were TAR US, we would’ve had to sit through a confessional about Kristen & Darren being detail-oriented.

Jody succeeds on his seventh attempt. Jody & Cory exit the Roadblock in sixth place.

“Vote Mitic!”

CORY: We’ve got a boner, we’ve got a boner.

I had to re-listen because I don’t think I heard that right.

CORY: We’ve got to motor, we’ve got to motor.

OK, that makes more sense.

That wasn’t me making a joke, by the way. That’s what I heard the first time.

Tim Sr. is stressed as he is the last one there. Junior regrets not doing the Roadblock.

You know you aren’t the best dancer when you’re overtaken by a man with one leg.

Jet & Dave are third to Atlas Coal Mine. Vanessa & Celina are fourth to the Atlas Coal Mine. They see Kristen & Darren exiting the coal mine.

Because this is rural Alberta, we’ve got four people riding Linda.

Holly & Brett are the fifth team to the Detour.

BRETT: Stairs, stairs Holl.

Holly & Brett choose Dinosaurs because Holly says doctors should be able to put a skeleton together.

BRETT: Ribs are ribs and vertebrae are vertebrae. Holl, we got this.

I learned something new from a doctor today.

We cut back to the Roadblock.

TIM SR: It’s my ninth time. I just want to be done.

So do we. If I recall correctly, the only person in the TAR Canada community who overly endorses the TAR Canada “put on a costume and dance” task is Mr. Heaton from RHAP.

Tim Sr. completes the Roadblock on the ninth time. We hear the Jet & Cord soundtrack for about the tenth time this episode.

Tim Jr. has a sick vertical, by the way.

We’ll talk more about this at the end of the episode, but it’s only the first mandatory “everyone put on a costume and dance” task in TAR Canada history and it -dragged.- It’s a huge momentum killer for any episode it appears in, they are never memorable, and always feels like “we’re out of ideas for what they should do in this small Canadian town so let’s make them put on a costume and dance.”

It works in TAR US and other versions because it is used very rarely which makes the task memorable.

We’re eventually going to reach a season in TAR Canada where we’ll have pro dancers who get to do a dancing challenge in five separate episodes. Or something ridiculous. Maybe it was six. Maybe it was four. I just remember making a ton of jokes about it whenever I saw the Wikipedia update.

Vanessa is moaning while shoveling coal. Jet & Dave are not.

Holly & Brett are at the Royal Tyrrell Museum.

I visited the Royal Tyrrell Museum when I was ten years old as I mentioned earlier. It was the only time I ever visited Alberta as part of a family road trip back in June 2002. I finished fifth grade one week early because of this road trip. I don’t remember much about this museum, but I do remember the bathroom being gross and that the chicken nuggets were in the shape of T-Rexes.

Holly & Brett enter the museum.

BRETT: Holl, oh here twelve. Ok, Holl, Holl, Holl. Watch.

Holly & Brett are studying the model. Brett thinks the anatomy background allows them to finish this quickly.

With their anatomy background, Holly & Brett put together the anatomy of the dinosaur.

Jet & Dave’s haul is checked by the judge. It’s rejected.

JET: In Ontario, they would welcome this with open arms.
JET (confessional): He didn’t like it.
DAVE (confessional): No dice.
JET (confessional): You want some more coal? We’ll give you some more coal.
JET: I’ll put it all on. I’ll put this whole pile on.
DAVE: I think he thinks we’re going to quit. He thinks we’re going to quit.
JET: Well, Mr. Mustache, we are tough. Fill another one for fun.

Jet looks like he’s ready to kill Mr. Mustache with that shovel like Behrooz did to Tarik in season four of 24.

Alright, are you guys ready for me to diss the editors again?

IT’S NOT A TIE! Jesus Christ. Jet & Dave have a FULL haul versus Vanessa & Celina’s one-third haul.

IT’S. NOT. A. TIE. SOMEONE IS AHEAD. You want to learn what a tie is?

Ask these guys. They can tell you.

GAH!

Jet checks in with Vanessa. She says it’s difficult.

JET: The girls had a terrible strategy. Just carrying rock by rock by hand.

Vanessa & Celina ponder using the Express Pass.

If Vanessa lays down, she can make coal angels.

Vanessa Morgan is a big time actress in Hollywood, but one role I know she’ll NEVER audition for is the Coal Miner’s Daughter.

VANESSA: I’m going to throw up. I’m going to throw up.

Vanessa Morgan vomiting on TV will be viral forever.

Jet & Dave ask for another check of their haul.

“Please oh please give us the clue, Mr. Mustache.”

Jet & Dave are rejected again.

Jet wonders if they have too much on it. The camera pans over to the tags not being hooked correctly. Jet suggests removing some of the coal.

Tims are driving.

TIM SR: We need a challenge we can do well.
TIM JR: We can do all challenges dad it’s just how well.
TIM SR: A challenge we can do well. Let me restate it.

Jet & Dave now have an even and level haul. It’s rejected a third time.

JET: I thought we didn’t take the puzzle one.

“Dammit, Trudeau.”

Dave notes the tags. The haul is approved.

Dave tells Vanessa & Celina to hook the tags properly.

JET: They do. They’re smart. We’re dumb.

Maybe Kristen & Darren gave their Express Pass to the wrong team.

Holly is stumped as she gets towards the end of assembling the dinosaur.

BRETT: Holl, right here.
HOLLY: I’m really flustered.
BRETT: Holl, just try to relax.
HOLLY: I can’t think anymore. I’m sorry.
BRETT: Holl–
HOLLY: OK–
BRETT: Holl, Holl, Holl. Just back off the table.

Brett puts up an invisible barrier around the table.

We go from the Royal Tyrrell Museum to a Royal Ass Kicking as Harold & Joanne check into the pit stop already.

Joanne is in awe of the horse. I wonder if that sparks any memories for her?

That’s right! We had a Bodybreak episode of them going on a sleigh ride and horseback riding.

Unfortunately the horseback riding episode did NOT include horse smuggling.

GREETER: Welcome to Horsethief Canyon in the heart of cowboy country in sunny Alberta.

Sunny Alberta? Sunny Alberta? I have never heard of Alberta being referred to as the sunny province in my whole life.

The only way that this is Sunny Alberta is if Horsethief Canyon is located in a rural township called Sunny, Alberta.

FIRST PLACE: HAL & JOANNE

Hal & Joanne get their first W of the season.

They have won a trip courtesy of Air Canada to ANYWHERE they fly in the United States.

Monty points out they’ve gone from third to second to first. Bodybreak is thrilled.

Like Nelly, they’re number one.

Kristen & Darren are the second team to the mat.

What the hell is wrong with your face, Darren?

Monty does his best impression of Jonny Fairplay.

SECOND PLACE: KRISTEN & DARREN

Kristen & Darren celebrate another strong finish and still have an Express Pass in hand.

We cut to Jody & Cory already showing up to the coal mine. Jody is reminded of his army days.

Vanessa & Celina repeatedly ask for a check of their haul but it is never quite full. I don’t know why they waste their time with inspections. Vanessa is getting hilariously frustrated.

BYAH!

This is the highlight of the episode.

We cut back to Holly crying at the anatomy task. She’s burned out and frustrated.

“This means something.”

HOLLY: You’re just randomly–
BRETT: No, I’m not I’m not. I’m not Holl.
HOLLY: We have to go back.

Holly eventually convinces Brett they need to go back for a second look.

HOLLY: I’m really upset.
BRETT: Holl, stop it. Stop. Just focus.
HOLLY: Such a bad day.
BRETT: Holl. Holl.
HOLLY: We’re so dead.

During their argument we get a nice tour of the museum.

We cut back to Vanessa Morgan. Oh, and, uh, Celina.

She’s having a worse day than Holly.

Celina summons Mr. Mustache. During the inspection they contemplate using the Express Pass. They don’t have time to decide because they’re approved.

VANESSA: We were small but mighty today.

We don’t even know if Celina agrees because we cut away from the confessional before Celina is allowed to speak.

The Tims are last to the coal mine. Vanessa tells Celina they will not give any info to the Tims.

VANESSA: They made it clear they’re not our friends.

TIMS: How’d that go?

Vanessa could’ve sold it a little better. She could’ve said “it’s bad for your kidneys!” or “we rolled our ankles during the task!”

Vanessa’s really vague description isn’t going to deter the Tims.

Vanessa & Celina complain about the task in the car.

VANESSA: One of the worst things I’ve ever done in my life.
CELINA: Absolutely horrible.
(VANESSA coughs in the meekest way possible.)

It’s like a cute little mouse coughing.

Jody & Cory ask for an inspection. It’s approved. They’re done in fifth place. They exit as the Tims enter.

The coal miner really has to crank it. I think Linda is worn out today.

Jet & Dave hit the mat.

If Jet & Dave won this leg, their celebration would’ve consisted of picking up the greeter, picking up Jon, and then picking up the horse.

THIRD PLACE: JET & DAVE

Sadly they didn’t win this leg and we’re left with a bro clap.

Monty notes Jet & Dave’s solid improvement in the standings. Jet & Dave are happy going from last place to third place during this leg.

Tim Jr. comes up with the idea to fill up the wheelbarrow and then they tip it into the cart together.

Tim Jr. be flexin’.

The Tims have had this tendency over the course of three legs have performed poorly and make nearly fatal mistakes, but they also have these splashes of genius that the other teams don’t think about. Pay attention to this over the next few episodes.

Vanessa & Celina must be annoyed with themselves.

We cut to Vanessa & Celina. Celina tries to rinse the coal out of her mouth.

CELINA: I have coal in my mouth, Vanessa.
VANESSA: Same, Celina.

A great joke would be if somebody told them that the coal around their mouths is permanent and impossible to remove.

Celina asks Vanessa to read the map.

VANESSA: Where are we?
CELINA: We’re on Canyon–uh. . .We’re on highway–uh. . .

“Can we Express Pass the self-drive portion of this leg?”

Vanessa & Celina find a local on the road.

“Why does your breath smell like coal?”

The man picks up his tin of paint and goes on about with his day.

Vanessa & Celina return to the car.

CELINA: Do you know where we’re going?
VANESSA: I was hoping you would understand what he was saying on the map.
CELINA: I was hoping you would understand. I was understanding somewhat.

This is great. It’s only two people but we still get an example of Psychology 101’s Diffusion of Responsibility. Both partners assumed the other would take the lead and do the right thing. Hilarious.

Vanessa decides they’ll wing it.

Vanessa & Celina drive right behind Jody & Cory. Celina decides to pass by Jody & Cory on the highway. Cory tells Jody to just let them pass. He knows they’re safe for the round. It’s a foot race for fourth place.

What a low stakes foot race.

Monty gives the good news to both teams.

FOURTH PLACE: VANESSA & CELINA

FIFTH PLACE: JODY & CORY

Vanessa is pleasantly surprised by their finish. She thinks they got the spot they deserve today.

We cut back to the Tim Hagues at the Detour and–

IT’S. NOT. A. TIE!

The Tim Hagues complete the Detour in sixth place. Holly & Brett are in last place.

Tim Jr. reads that Horsethief Canyon is a landmark they passed by. He knows exactly where it is.

Holly & Brett study the dinosaur. Brett figures out why they screwed up.

BRETT: Let’s go. Holl, come on.

Holly & Brett ask for the paleontologist.

I wonder how many times that man has been divorced?

How many times do you think he has watched Jurassic Park? Should the over/under be seven?

MAN: No, you do not have a correctly reticulated dinosaur.

Their race is as close to being as extinct as the dinosaurs.

Tim Jr. tells Tim Sr. to drive left and it’ll be on the right. He is POSITIVE he has seen it today.

Holly & Brett make a couple changes. It is approved this time.

I just noticed how Holly & Brett wore shirts that match the colour of their doctor’s scrubs.

Holly & Brett leave the Detour in last place.

HOLLY: We’re definitely out.
BRETT: Holl, don’t talk about it. I don’t want to hear it again. . .we’re either ten minutes away from being eliminated or ten minutes away from a huge surprise.

I wonder how scared Holly was of being eliminated due to an anatomy challenge.

Tim Sr. doesn’t think they’re driving in the right direction. He suggests pulling over a cop to ask for directions.

Oh look. Production crew.

COP: That’s by the museum.

GAAAAME OVERRRRRR.

Tim Sr. is upset they drove around in a circle. Both Hagues are certain they’re last.

Holly & Brett jog to the mat.

HOLLY: We’re so dead.
BRETT: Probably, but that’ll be it.

Optimism isn’t their strong suit.

Monty preserves the poker face as he gives the good news.

SIXTH PLACE: HOLLY & BRETT

Brett is absolutely flabbergasted by the finish.

Brett’s voice gets extremely high and he sounds identical to Cal from Undergrads.

I’m not kidding. His voice sounds identical to Cal’s.

BRETT: Howwww the hellll did this–it doesn’t even make any sense.

“How the hell did that happen, guy? It doesn’t make any sense, guy! Well, I’m gonna go hook up with my girl. See you later, guy!”

Also, I just found this on YouTube. Hilarious.

“The only way we’re not last is if somebody was really really dumb and sucked today.”

We immediately cut to the Tims hitting the mat.

The Tim Hagues anticipate elimination.

LAST PLACE: TIM HAGUES

TIM HAGUE SR: I figured as much.

Who knew it’s tougher to avoid last place when Jamie & Pierre are no longer around as your buffer zone.

MONTY: However, this is a non-elimination round.
TIM HAGUE SR: Noooooooooooooo.

The Tim Hagues laugh. Senior is frustrated by being unable to live up to their potential. Because this season is based off of TAR 22’s format, the Speed Bump is the Non-Elimination Penalty in TAR Canada. This has been the NEL penalty through all eight seasons.

TIM SR: We’re here to win. I appreciate that everyone thinks we’re on the backburner and they don’t have to think about us. I just hope that they keep it there so that when we fly past them they wonder what in the world (er, Canada) happened.
TIM JR: Amen to that.

Boom. Start shaking in your boots, Harold & Joanne.

Episode 1 “Holl” Count: 15
Episode 2 “Holl” Count: 7
Episode 3 “Holl” Count: 20
Total “Holl” Count: 42

Next Time on TAR: The racers embark on an epic journey across the mighty Canadian north where things get icy in the water and on land. And in the desert of the Yukon, a Speed Bump trips up the Tims.

Next Time on TAR Mentions:
HOLLY & BRETT 1
TIM & TIM 1

CONFESSIONAL COUNT
TIM SR / TIM JR 6/4
KRISTEN / DARREN 5/3
VANESSA / CELINA 7/2
HOLLY / BRETT 6/5
JET / DAVE 7/6
HAL JOHNSON/ JOANNE MCLEOD 2/2
JODY / CORY 6/4

Rank the Legs

1) Kelowna, BC -> Vancouver, BC

Wow. This leg confused teams much more than I remembered. The round starts off with a foregone conclusion Jamie & Pierre are absolutely dead as their flight is several hours behind the other teams. We see Kristen & Darren being quite vulnerable this leg as they argue and botch directions numerous times. Two faulty cab rides and a poorly navigated SkyTrain ride made it clear this team is not as well-rounded as we think.

Hal & Joanne and Holly & Brett both set themselves apart as the strongest teams. Hal & Joanne picked up standby tickets to leap ahead and use their physical ability and wits to stay in a strong position. Holly & Brett’s pure wit preserved their spot at the top of the leaderboard but the consequences of their social game are starting to pile up.

We see the rivalry between Tim & Tim and Vanessa & Celina continue as Tim & Tim return the taunts from the previous pit stop.

We see a lot of Jet & Dave content this episode. We saw them waste three hours on the Detour. If Jamie & Pierre were on the first or second flight, Jet & Dave would’ve been the second boots in TAR Canada history. Jet & Dave are prone to making massive blunders. They tend to blast through a leg or get greatly hindered by one.

The ice skating Roadblock at the Richmond Oval was lame. I remember thinking about how lame it was when it originally aired nine years ago. It made me feel like I was watching somebody try to interpret a cheap knock-off version of The Amazing Race.

However, the Detour made up for it. We really tapped into Vancouver’s ever expanding Chinatown culture.

The industrial site Active Route Info was a fine way to represent Vancouver Harbour.

The sponsours weren’t distracting this leg. They were integrated well.

The pit stop was a scenic location.

This leg was a near perfect representation of Vancouver overall. The only major landmark they missed in the heart of Vancouver is the River Rock Casino. What’s amusing is we will see a Chinese casino inspired task in TAR Canada 2. I’m actually surprised we haven’t seen the River Rock featured after eight seasons of TAR Canada and multiple Vancouver legs.

Production did the best they could to create suspense if Jamie & Pierre could get out of last place, but didn’t put too much time into it. They backed off once the audience knew it was clear they had no chance of overcoming the deficit. Now that Jamie & Pierre are gone, it felt like we had seven teams on an overall level playing field.

2) Niagara Falls, Ontario -> Kelowna, BC

Out of all of the legs this season, this is the one I am the most familiar with in my personal life. Add in the fact that this was the first ever leg of TAR Canada, and that makes it a bit special. While this was filming I would’ve been sitting in a classroom just a two minute drive from the airport and fifteen minutes away from where most of this leg took place.

Jee-an’s number one thing to do on her bucket list was see Niagara Falls. That starting line certainly brought about a lot of emotional memories from last year.

While a chunk of the audience would groan when they clued in that this was going to be a domestic season, the rest of us had to accept this would ultimately be a beta test of a season. Just nine teams? Only ten legs? No language barriers? No culture shock? An obscure penalty that occurred 24 hours later takes a team out? What is this. . .?

Although I didn’t point it out during the episode, I remember how much the music was out of sync with the episode. I talked about it when it originally aired. The goofy placements, the ties that weren’t ties, and camera angles that failed to capture the perfect moments. It’s great to see what an episode of The Amazing Race looks like with an inexperienced crew that isn’t too well-versed in competitive reality television.

The premiere is a fun glimpse into how an inexperienced crew handles one of the most ambitious reality shows to produce. It makes you appreciate how well Michael Mackay handles everything with TAR Asia, Australia, and China Rush, and how well Bertram Van Munster and Elise Doganieri handle the American version.

We witnessed a very emotional exit between two teams and a whole lot of unintentional comedy. This is one of the funniest season premieres I’ve seen. Yes, a lot of the comedy is unintentional but that’s the type of comedy I prefer.

Jet throws in a hell of a lot of one-liners, multiple alliances formed, and we get a super unlikely rivalry where the youngest all-female team is after the oldest all-male team who also happen to have Parkinson’s. Good luck thinking of that in your fan fiction.

The ending to this episode is wonky. It’s a very very close foot race, but it didn’t matter the team won the foot race as they were going home by default due to a penalty that happened about 30 hours earlier. That’s a strange one.

Kelowna was represented really well. Waterfront activities, Ogopogo, and a trestle bridge. The pit stop being located at a winery was also fitting.

Throwing in the earlier flight for more “frightening” terrariums is a bit subjective, but hey, it beats the hell out of a shitty dancing challenge. I’ll take it.

Overall, this was a surprisingly well-put together leg for the first season of TAR Canada. For the next three seasons, they’ll try to one-up the premiere each season as we progress.

3) Vancouver, BC -> Drumheller, Alberta

It’s the second leg in a row with a choreography task, and this time it was a mandatory task.

The first leg had the excitement of being the series premiere with Canada as well as fans of TAR worldwide being intrigued what a TAR Canada would look like. A team was eliminated.

The second leg emphasized the Chinese culture prevalent throughout Vancouver. A team was eliminated.

This third leg had a couple of odd locations: A place to do a country dance and a place to shovel coal. A team wasn’t eliminated.

It is by far the weakest leg of the first half of this season.

It was more of a bridge episode as Kristen & Darren betrayed Holly & Brett by going back on their word, and instead hand off the second Express Pass to Vanessa & Celina. It signals that the “Everyone Wants Holly & Brett Out” storyline is now in full swing.

The rivalry between Tim & Tim and Vanessa & Celina continue. I forgot how much Tim Sr. went after them in his confessionals. It’s interesting to note just how much the other teams weren’t concerned by the Tim Hagues and Vanessa & Celina during the season. Jet mocked Vanessa & Celina’s strategy, Kristen & Darren handed them an Express Pass because they’re the weakest team, and the Tim Hagues finished in dead last. The two bottom feeders have the biggest rivalry with one another and also have the least amount of respect from the rest of the cast. That’s an unusual combination.

As I stated earlier, this is the first NEL in TAR Canada history and also the first “put on a costume and do a silly dance” in TAR Canada history. And also the first Alberta leg in TAR Canada history.

It was a shame that the Speed Bump, which fans were already getting bored with by TAR 22 US, was also adopted by TAR Canada. What’s funny is that TAR US has stopped using the Speed Bump penalty but yet TAR Canada has continued to use it through all eight seasons to the present day.

Also, it is clear from this episode just how much of a slog it is to get through the “put on a costume and dance” task. We’ll get to dissecting other puzzling permanent decisions Production has made over the years, but boy oh boy is it clear from the get-go that this type of task is not interesting to watch at all. I truly believe it is strictly used when Production needs to save money on the budget or can’t find anything to do that’s relevant to the area. This ranks up there with TAR Canada’s other favourite of “memorize this speech/pattern” in the early seasons. With dwindling budgets and lacklustre locations as the seasons progress, “put on a costume and dance” will become increasingly frequent. The one benefit is it makes my TARstorian episode recaps much faster to get through.

Overall, I don’t have much to say about this leg. Seeing the Royal Tyrrell Museum brought back some pleasant childhood memories. I wish they had put the clue box at the top of the gigantic dinosaur at the Royal Tyrrell Museum like in my childhood TAR fanfic. Those steps can be exhausting!