EPISODE FIVE
EPISODE BLOG #350: Keep Fit and F Off
COUNTRIES VISITED
CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA – CANADA
The Facebook group I admin: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TAR247/
My Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/supacoowacky/
My Twitter: https://twitter.com/logsupacoowacky
The Podcast I Co-Host: https://rtvwarriors.podbean.com/
Hal Johnson Interview: https://rtvwarriors.podbean.com/e/hal-johnson/
As always, this blog is dedicated to my late wife Jee-an. She passed away fourteen months ago. I can and can’t believe so much time has passed already. We all love you and miss you.
Previously on TAR: Seven teams raced across the mighty Canadian north leaping from territory to territory. Four teams left from Yellowknife on the coveted first two flights. This left Jody & Cory, Kristen & Darren, and Vanessa & Celina fighting to stay alive. Jet & Dave won the leg and Vanessa & Celina turned in their Express Pass. In an epic battle to the mat, Jody & Cory triumphed passing Kristen & Darren for sixth place. This eliminated the couple with an Express Pass in their bag.
Now six teams remain as they race across the country to win a year of worldwide travel for two, other sponsoured prizes, $250k, and The Amazing Race Canada.
Previously on TAR Mentions:
KRISTEN & DARREN 4
VANESSA & CELINA 3
JAMIE & PIERRE 2
TIM & TIM 2
HOLLY & BRETT 2
TREENA & TENNILLE 1
JET & DAVE 2
HAL & JOANNE 1
JODY & CORY 1
Monty introduces us to the Yukon. Apparently its name alone evokes thoughts of adventure and the great north.
And it being cold enough for dog sledding to be popular.
Monty notes Whitehorse became famous as the centre of the Klondike Gold Rush. Today it’s the fifth starting point in a race around the world–er, Canada.
Oh. They did incorporate Whitehorse into this season.
NOTE: It is a 50 minute drive from Carcross to Whitehorse on the Klondike Highway.
ANOTHER NOTE: Don’t worry, Whitehorse will host a full leg in season two.
Monty taking advantage of a nice helicopter shot above the Yukon River.
Jet & Dave arrived first at an undisclosed time, and will depart first at 8:47am.
They read that teams must race along the river and find one of the longest stern wheelers used to transport old prospectors to and from the Dawson City gold fields. These steam powered ships were the centrepiece of the Yukon transportation system for generations. Once aboard the Klondike, teams will scour the deck for their next clue.
It’d be hilarious to see a bunch of teams start out the leg by falling on the ice.
Remember: This is the middle of May. We have a massive ice field in the middle of May. Unfortunately a huge chunk of Canada can be like this during May. If you’re wondering why you’re seeing so many damn legs in BC and Ontario over the past couple seasons, it is because they are the only two warm climates in Canada during May. As I’ve said before, it’s tougher to film TAR in cold climates and it’s just not quite as fun to see that leg after leg on TV.
“What would you do for a Klondike Clue?”
JET (hushed voice): Caution: U-Turn ahead.
It’s the most seductive U-Turn announcement I’ve heard in my life.
“Eeeek.”
Jet & Dave explain the U-Turn twist. If you’re reading this blog, I’m sure you’re familiar with it. Jet expects to be U-Turned due to their strength.
Holly & Brett depart second at 8:51am. Brett’s strategy for the U-Turn is to only use it when they’re in big trouble.
“Or if you’re Kristen & Darren, I guess their strategy for when they’re in big trouble is to build a raft. We like ours better.”
NOTE: I forgot Andy & Laura also hid maps in an airport during TAR Asia 1 just like Holly & Brett did in Leg 3. Sorry, it has been a long time since I watched TAR Asia 1. My memory is hazy. Who knew a British couple who speaks fluent Thai would have their actions duplicated by Quebecois pediatricians nearly a decade later.
Episode 1 “Holl” Count: 15
Episode 2 “Holl” Count: 7
Episode 3 “Holl” Count: 20
Episode 4 “Holl” Count: 19
Episode 5 “Holl” Count: 0
Total “Holl” Count: 61
Brett says using the U-Turn when you’re at the front can put a target on your back.
Jet & Dave scour the SS Klondike.
It reminds me of the ships the general public can walk around in Seoul, South Korea. This has to be the biggest attraction in all of Whitehorse.
Jet & Dave have the clue but we don’t see them retrieving the clue on camera. Dave found it. They’re outside.
Jet reads they must fly to Regina, Saskatchewan.
FUN FACT: This is the only full leg in Regina. There are only three other Saskatchewan legs in all of TARC. Two have been in Saskatoon and one was an homage to the Canadian TV show Corner Gas.
Jet asks if they need to take a cab to the airport. I wonder if Whitehorse is so damn small that you can walk to the airport.
Hilariously enough, walking to the airport is a viable option given I have my doubts about cab availability in freakin’ Whitehorse.
Holly & Brett find the clue tucked away in a room on the upper deck.
Production had fun with hiding clues on this ship.
Jet & Dave approach a local woman on the street. The woman is startled a little bit and her body language indicates she wants to walk away.
“Watch out, ladies.”
Jet asks Dave if he wants her to call two cabs.
JET: Just to show Brett & Holly how great we are.
I assume the obvious strategy here is that Jet & Dave expect to be passed by Holly & Brett on the way to the U-Turn. If Holly & Brett U-Turn Jet & Dave after receiving help with a cab, they would look like the biggest fucking douchebags from coast to coast to coast.
Holly & Brett call out for cabs. Jet & Dave interrupt their search by saying two cabs are coming.
As Humphrey Bogart would say, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
She calls for two cabs and also some HGH pills for Jet so he doesn’t lose too much muscle mass before his next fitness modeling competition.
JET (to HOLLY): You can hug me if you want.
Move over Treena & Tennille and Jamie & Pierre because we’ve found two teams who are now even better BFFs 4 Lyfe!
In a cast that has become notorious over the years for not being a close-knit group with each other, this is refreshing to see.
Jet & Dave jump into the first cab. Jet wants to work with teams that have complementary strengths and use it as a strategy to preserve their lead. Jet & Dave are happy to be at the front with a U-Turn on the way.
Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod depart third at 9:06am.
Through five legs they have the best Average Finishing Position of all teams.
JOANNE: Caution: U-Turn Ahead. Oh no!
“Yikes, Scoob!”
C’mon guys. Who in their right mind would U-Turn the Bodybreak couple with millions of Canadians watching?
We’re already at the point in TAR history where teams avoid U-Turning specific teams for fear of retalliation from their fans on social media and in person.
U-Turning Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod will all but guarantee that you’ll be the most hated team of the season.
We’ll see how much this meta game factors in to the inaugural season of TAR Canada.
Hal & Joanne talk about how they met in a gym.
HAL: She looked great on the Peck Deck and we went out that night and we’ve been really together ever since.
JOANNE: We’ve worked, played, and done everything together.
Where do you think they went out that night? Strip club? Hal & Joanne had their first date at a strip club? Why won’t they say where they went out that night? Maybe they went hunting out in the bushes? They shot a deer? They got absolutely shitfaced at a bar? They got high in Joanne’s bestie’s basement and played Risk.
“Keep Fit and Have Kamchatka.”
Hal & Joanne find the clue aboard the SS Klondike. Joanne is excited about Regina for some reason.
Vanessa & Celina depart fourth at 9:20am.
CELINA: Make your way to the SS Klondite.
Klondite? Let me rewind that again.
Yes, Celina definitely said “Klondite” instead of “Klondike.” That was a hard ‘T’ sound.
“Who wants a Klondite Bar? It has fewer calories and is low in fat. Klondite!”
Vanessa is nervous because there are two strong teams behind her.
They’re so nervous they can’t even read a two syllable word.
Vanessa says being U-Turned by another team would suck.
CELINA: What if somebody U-Turns us?
Then you perform the other side of the Detour, Celina.
C’mon, Celina. We’ve had this twist for over five years by this point in the TAR timeline.
We cut to the Whitehorse Airport.
There isn’t any security. We don’t see any parking. It’s just two small buildings joined together. That is hilarious.
It was at this moment that Westjet wished they sponsoured TAR Canada.
Dave is unhappy he can’t get to Regina until 8:25am. That’s nearly twenty-four hours from now. I bet Dave wishes he could fly with a different airline.
JET: C’mon.
DAVE: Noooo.
JET: No. No. No. Keep looking.
As somebody who worked for somebody from Saskatchewan for six years, I know all about how inefficient it is to fly in and out of Saskatchewan. There aren’t many towns outside of Saskatchewan that do direct flights into Regina. It’s always a pain in the ass.
They are told it’s an overnight layover in Calgary. Brett asks about Edmonton. A ticketing agent says they would get in earlier but would have to do the overnight layover in Edmonton. The ticketing agent makes it sound like that’s a miserable experience.
Luckily Jet is aligned with Holly & Brett.
This could’ve been you, Kristen & Darren. Other teams may view Holly & Brett as assholes, but they are really helpful when they are -your- assholes.
Holly asks the agent how full the flight is to Edmonton. It’s full.
“There are only four seats left in the VIP section for distinguished Canadian celebrities. Other than that the plane is full.”
Jet & Dave and Holly & Brett are the only two teams on the flight to Edmonton.
Junior & Senior depart in fifth place.
What? This isn’t Junior & Senior. What the hell is this?
There we go. That’s TIM Junior & TIM Senior.
Also, I apologize if this song is stuck in your head now. I bet you didn’t know the artist was named Junior Senior.
The Senior member of the International Court of Justice says they haven’t been able to find their mojo, their groove, their thing.
SENIOR: The hard goal for the day is to catch Hal & Joanne and take that third position.
“We’ll kick ’em in the Ab Master if we have to.”
Senior finds the clue.
Jody & Cory depart last at 9:32am. Cory reads they have $200 on their Interac debit card.
Maybe they can take that $200 and buy some airtime with it.
Cory says being so close to elimination gave them a good smack in the head.
Yeah, maybe a smack in the head will improve Cory’s reading comprehension at sign-up sheets.
Obligatory shot of Jody’s legs.
Hal is at the airline ticket counter.
AGENT: Where are you trying to get to?
HAL: I’m trying to get to Regina.
AGENT: Oh, you’re going there too.
. . .How often do people come through Whitehorse airport with a full production crew that end up going to separate destinations during the same morning?
Look at this. We see every single airport check-in counter in the same frame, and the only people there are staff and teams.
Vanessa & Celina didn’t even have anybody to cut in front of today.
The four later teams are all told they have to fly to Calgary.
JUNIOR: Perfect.
Interac gets its advertising spot for the episode.
Jet & Dave ask where Hal & Joanne are.
DAVE: When I don’t see them I get nervous.
You don’t want to know, Dave.
JET: Hal & Joanne have finished 3, 2, 1. Has that gone unnoticed?
DAVE: They’re the biggest threat.
Joanne is exercising her pelvic floor.
The moon is getting its lips done behind Jet & Dave. Kissing the moon would be weird given the lack of gravity. Those smooches would just pull in every direction.
All remaining teams are seated together except for Hal & Joanne. It’s not a wise move for Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod when there’s a U-Turn on the horizon.
Just look at TAR 29. Vanck & Ashton were U-Turned because they were the only ones not seated together with the other teams on a flight. It’s the absolute worst time to let all other teams hang out.
Holly & Brett do a confessional at Whitehorse Airport (I can’t imagine The International Court of Justices, Holly & Brett, Jody & Cory, Jet & Dave, and Vanessa & Celina have too much in common to talk about).
“Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod must be going cray cray about the U-Turn right now.””
Hal Johnson has picked up a pay phone and is calling Air Canada.
I wonder if that pay phone accepts an Interac debit card.
“I’ll call TSN execs to put us on a private jet if I have to.”
Nothing was available. Hal Johnson plans to try again for the Edmonton flight once they get into Calgary. They have time given the overnight layover.
“Wait, the earlier flight is also giving out free Timbits?”
If anyone needs additional reasons for why TAR Canada doesn’t visit the Territories anymore, I present to you this map. The only way for teams to get the hell out of the Yukon and to somewhere NOT BC requires connecting through BC AND one additional city in Alberta.
Given TAR Canada doesn’t have Air Canada as a sponsour after season three, you can understand that this is a major expense for the show’s ongoing shrinking budget.
Monty recaps that Jet & Dave and Holly & Brett will stay overnight in Edmonton before arriving in Regina at 7:45am.
Shhhh, they’re sleeping.
Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod, Jody & Cory, Vanessa & Celina, and the International Court of Justices will stay overnight in Calgary before arriving at 8:25am.
We cut to Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod immediately showing up at the Air Canada counter in Calgary.
“We’ll send you a free Ab Master.”
“Hol, I wonder if Production made Kristen & Darren kayak back home to BC.”
We wait to see if Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod can get to Regina via Edmonton with the other two teams.
Bodybreak catches the biggest break yet as they get last minute tickets to Edmonton for the day.
The camera pans left.
That’s not going to go over well with everyone else. Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod CANNOT squander that forty minute lead. The jealousy is real.
SENIOR: Nobody was getting tickets, but somehow Hal & Joanne got tickets.
“It’s like God is rewarding them for inspiring Him to keep fit and have fun.”
“Now I have to U-Turn a double amputee war hero or one of the most famous Canadian actresses. Thanks, Hal & Joanne.”
“We get to have our own blue line on screen.”
VANESSA: Behind the big smiles are two very aggressive individuals.
“Don’t turn around, Jo. Tim Senior is glaring at us.”
HAL JOHNSON: The two teams in Edmonton might be a little surprised in the morning when we all go to the gate and we’re all there together.
“Keep Fit and Have Shock Value.”
We jump ahead to the following morning.
JET: Is that Hal Johnson?
“Nevermind. It’s another man who is six feet tall walking around with a camera crew wearing a shirt that says “Bodybreak” on it.”
DAVE: You’re here?
“Did you hijack an Air Canada plane, Hal Johnson?”
Harold Johnson starts laughing at him.
DAVE: I knew you’d be here.
“Is this the part where you go all Santa Clarita Diet on me?”
Hal just laughs at Dave. It reminds me a lot of Sagat from Street Fighter II.
“You are no match for my Tiger Uppercut, Dave.”
“I’d eat my own fist if it means Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod don’t finish in the top three this leg.”
You know growing up when there are those birthday parties where someone shows up who you dislike, but is friends with some of the friends you invited and shows up anyway? You know deep down they know they weren’t invited but come to the party anyway because they don’t want to miss out?
That’s what it’s like with Hal & Joanne joining Jet & Dave and Holly & Brett on this first flight. They were invited but forced their way into the party anyway, and the other people can’t really say no.
HAROLD: They were not surprised to see Joanne and I. They knew Joanne and I could work some magic.
Clearly Hal & Joanne have an advantage over the other teams due to being the only team actively practicing witchcraft.
We are shown yet another clip of Hal Johnson just laughing to himself.
I think that’s the best part with these scenes. No one is ever laughing except Hal.
Jon Montgomery reminds us the two flights are forty minutes apart. Once they hit Regina, they must drive an all new Chevrolet Trax and open a clue containing a Blackberry Z10 with the parking attendants. It contains turn by turn directions to their next challenge.
“They are flying two Air Canada flights to get to two Chevrolet vehicles containing a Blackberry.”
Even by TAR Canada standards fitting THREE sponsours into ONE sentence is truly impressive.
Also, lol at Blackberry.
DAVE: Blackberry is in TOWN!
So this is a hilarious fact about the Blackberry. Do you recall how TAR Canada has a reputation of enlisting sponsours from companies that almost immediately go out of business?
a) Marshall’s store visited during TAR Canada 8;
b) Sinorama went under less than a year after TAR Canada 5.
Well, Blackberry is on that list too. The Blackberry Z10 was the first Blackberry phone to sell poorly. In fact, the Z10 did so poorly that Blackberry was eager to sell the company by August of 2013. This would be just a week or so after this episode aired.
I remember during 2008 to 2012 that Blackberry was everywhere. It was competing with Apple’s iPhone. BlackBerry officially went under as of early 2022.
Teams will download their file from the parking attendant’s BlackBerry.
Dave is violating a distracted driving law.
Jon Montgomery jumps in to say that teams must drive to the largest lentil splitting facility in the world–Saskcan Pulse Trading Company. Saskatchewan is the world’s largest exporter of Pulse and the second largest producer of lentils.
Somewhere in the sea of lentils are two Sergeant Bull Moose toys. Teams must work together to find both Mounties. Combining these Mounties will lead them to their next route marker.
It’s a step above the Box Factory from The Simpsons.
I like how one of the B-Roll shots is just of a large empty field. So Saskatchewan.
I wonder how much money Saskcan paid for this ad spot.
Jon Montgomery likely brought these toys in from his bedroom. Production didn’t even need to buy any.
For any readers outside of Canada: RCMP stands for Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Nearly every town uses RCMP for law enforcement across the country.
Funny thing is I doubt you would EVER see a task like this in TAR US. Can you imagine having a task dedicated to American cops in a finale for TAR US? That would trigger some protests from viewers.
Because they were given turn by turn instructions, SaskCan proves to be a rather easy find.
NOTE: I don’t know if Bgsu98 has deleted it from Wikipedia yet, but there was an unaired Fast Forward during this episode.
Teams had to do a police car driving simulation at the RCMP Heritage Centre. Every single team attempted it, but nobody succeeded and opted to return to the race course. Given what happens during the rest of the leg, this is why everyone will end this leg in pure exhaustion.
ANOTHER NOTE: This was an absurdly hot day. Because it was too hot, too many people were enjoying the unusually nice spring weather on the grounds of the Saskatchewan Legislative Building where the pit stop was supposed to be. Production had to make a last minute decision to swap the pit stop location to a more secluded spot. They encountered the one nice day of weather in Regina during May.
Holly & Brett, Jet & Dave, and Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod enter the lentil trucks.
We call this a Saskatchewan Swimming Pool.
HAROLD: C’mon big boy. Come to Daddy.
BRETT: Holl, do you have any kind of system?
HOLLY: No.
Neither do Jet & Dave.
Also:
Episode 1 “Holl” Count: 15
Episode 2 “Holl” Count: 7
Episode 3 “Holl” Count: 20
Episode 4 “Holl” Count: 19
Episode 5 “Holl” Count: 1
Total “Holl” Count: 62
This is a MASSIVE area to search. The depth is misleading. Look how deep Hal is and he is the tallest dude in the cast.
I have an idea for the Have Nots room in Big Brother Canada 12.
Nobody will be going to an East Indian restaurant anytime soon after this episode.
Holly describes the depth as being six feet deep. TAR US has already put a stop to Needle in a Haystack tasks by this point in the timeline, but TAR Canada has yet to do one. The fact they have to find TWO Mountie stuffies in an area that is six feet deep is absolutely brutal. Those trucks look to be about twenty-five feet long and eight feet wide.
25x8x6 is a pretty big area to search for two small stuffies.
Holly can’t dig deep enough. Dave wanted to avoid a Needle in a Haystack task at all costs.
Given Holly & Brett aren’t a physical team they must be loving this.
Jet pulls off the first ever #LentilDive in TAR history. 8/10 for technique.
JET: I have a feeling this forty minute head start is going to mean sweet diddily.
Okily dokily neighbourinoo.
Yep. Thirty-five of their forty minute head start is gone.
The second flight lands.
CELINA: What will we do if we get there and our faces are on the U-Turn?
VANESSA: . . .
“Sick my Twitter followers on them.”
Everyone is getting exhausted. It’s midday which means the sun is beating directly overhead on all of the contestants.
The sun is Bodybreaking him down.
HAL: Sweat started to come down. Legs starting to cramp up.
“Sweat started to come down. Legs starting to cramp up. Herpes beginning to flare around the lips and nostrils.”
Holly says she can’t scoop anymore.
Jet finds a plush Mountie. Production wasn’t just fucking with them. They actually do have Mounties hidden in the lentils.
Forty minutes have elapsed and only one out of a possible six Mounties have been found.
Eating a Mountie can be part of a complete breakfast.
Jet moans repeatedly when he finds the other Mountie.
Jet & Dave have found both Mounties before either of the other two teams have found one.
Dave goes all Akon on Jet out of pure joy.
Harold Johnson notes that Jet & Dave found both moose.
“They found two before we found one? Fuck.”
Jet & Dave read the tags on the moose. One says “RCMP” and the other says “Heritage Centre.”
DAVE: Let’s boogie oogie.
I wish those moose would pull out handcuffs and detain Dave just for saying “boogie oogie” alone.
Jon Montgomery says teams will now travel to the RCMP Heritage Centre–it is the primary training academy of Canada’s national police force. Each year over a thousand cadets are trained to become a member of the Royal Canadian Mountain Police.
Or to become an accomplished drummer.
“Whoever is the first to say ‘You can’t handle the truth!’ is dishonourably discharged.”
Dan & Andrew would not be allowed into the RCMP.
Hey! I know those guys!
That’s nWo Wolfpac! Red and black! They’re toooo sweet!
Oh yeah. The RCMP Heritage Centre is where teams will find their next clue.
Is someone missing a hat?
DAVE: I’m glad we got out of there because that’s the type of thing where you can sit there all day and be frustrated to high hell.
Dave just described my experience at my crazy aunt’s house perfectly.
Holl Holl Holl feels like she’s in Hell Hell Hell.
Brett peeks his head out to see the trailing three teams have all shown up together.
BRETT: They’re all here.
HOLLY: Just dig, Brett! Stop worrying about other people.
Celina has the least graceful entry into the lentil truck.
*poomf*
Vanessa & Celina were hoping it would be a task like this.
SENIOR: This is all about the luck of the draw, my boy.
Yes and no. There is -some- technique to it unlike other needle in a haystack tasks in the early seasons of TAR.
Jet & Dave are at the RCMP Heritage Centre. Jet orgasms and definitely jizzes in my pants. You can hear it on the audio. It’s revolting.
“When Jet Black saw the training academy
He
Jizzed
In
His
Pants”
JET: I am salivating because I am a police officer and this is what I do. . .uh profession–ally!
JET: It’s a job I do well and I am proud of.
I dunno. I think Dave has you beat with the whole “Chucking Cheerleaders into the Air” gig.
It’s a Roadblock. We cut to Monty hanging out with the RCMP.
In this Roadblock, teams will experience what it’s like to train wiht Canada’s elite mounted police force.
After suiting up in full uniform, one team member must make up this room known as a “pit” to the exacting standards of the RCMP. They’ll use the pit next door for reference. A sergeant major will comb over the cadet’s pit checking each minute detail for any deficiencies while the commanding officer holds the cadet at attention. If the sergeant major finds any deficiencies in the pit, the cadet will receive a failing grade and have to start all over again.
Once the cadet has passed the final inspection, assistant commissioner Roger Brown will hand them their next clue.
NOTE #1: So this is a funny story from when this season originally aired.
They did a lot of press pictures as promotional material on the official TAR Canada Facebook page leading up to the airing of this episode as well as shortly after its airing.
For whatever reason, they chose THE ABSOLUTE UGLIEST POSE POSSIBLE for Assistant (to the Regional) Commissioner Roger Brown and did it as an extreme close-up.
I’ve been trying to find it over the past couple months.
It just amazed me that the photographer captured the ugliest angle of him possible.
Anyways, I pointed this out in the comments section of the photos of the promo material back when the episode originally aired ten years ago.
Obviously the admin of the TAR Canada Facebook page at the time repeatedly removed my comments.
So there you go. This episode is the only time in 50+ seasons of competitive reality TV coverage across all blogs and podcasts where I made fun of someone for their sub-par physical appearance. It’s definitely a lowlight in my history.
NOTE #2: Remember how I have been referencing since I started TAR Canada for TARstorian how Production goes all in on the patriotism angle, and contributed to the initial demographic who hated the idea of TAR Canada traveling outside of the country?
Well, this leads to a lot of military and RCMP references throughout the series. In fact, the military history of Canada will be referenced in season two during the overseas legs.
TAR US has refrained from any sort of military or police references since the infamous TAR 22 Vietnam B-52 Bomber route marker. TAR Asia always kept away from those subjects too as well as all other international versions.
TAR Canada is the only franchise that pushed all of its chips in to promote nationalistic pride–it isn’t just geographical nationalism but rather military and law enforcement nationalism too.
NOTE #3: Referencing the clue giver’s full name in TAR Canada always makes me chuckle.
JET: Roadblock. “Who’s ready for bed?” BEE-OOO. This guy.
I really wish Dave would’ve jumped in and volunteered without thinking just to troll Jet. It’d be a Cockblock instead of a Roadblock for Jet.
Monty missed out on an opportunity to strut around in a RCMP uniform.
I wish they’d use the ten second tidy from The Big Comfy Couch.
I thought the RCMP wasn’t allowed to try and humiliate anyone who was in the closet anymore?
I wish Monty’s dog was the clue giver rather than Assistant (to the) Commissioner Roger Brown.
DAVE: Dude, detail. They’re going to try and trick you and stuff.
“Trick me? I do this pro–fession–ally.”
JET: Let’s have a lookesy-poo at the reference.
It’s good that law enforcement is discouraged from using profanity in the workplace.
I think Jet Black is only a police officer at bachelorette parties.
It’s the first time I’ve seen Jet add in a button rather than remove a button.
“If these gloves don’t fit, you must acquit.”
JET: Duty gloves. Winter gloves. . . .Horse. . .Gloves.
What the hell is a horse glove?
I know we’re in Saskatchewan for this leg, but I REALLY doubt there is such a thing as horse gloves.
TAR Canada isn’t known for its creative shots during challenges, but here’s a good example of one.
Papa Tim finds a moose. Celina finds a moose too. Vanessa simultaneously cries and giggles.
CELINA: Wait wait wait. Do we need one or two?
Classic Vanessa & Celina question right there. This is the team who defeated Kristen & Darren.
Young Tim finds the other moose.
This is an even greater lucky break than being saved by a NEL. The International Court of Justices just leapfrogged ahead of four teams at a needle in a haystack challenge. They made up a deficit in excess of well over an hour in a matter of minutes.
“I’ll give you guys an Ab Master in exchange for a moose.”
Tim Junior is being censored so much for cussing in pure joy.
Junior is marching like a RCMP officer.
Celina has found both moose. For the second leg in a row, Vanessa & Celina catch an absolutely enormous break.
Jesus Christ Saskatchewan is flat.
BRETT: Try what I’m doing, Holl. Stand. Turn around.
HOLLY: I can’t do it. I have no more strength in my legs. I’m spent, Brett.
BRETT: I don’t know what you have left in you but I can’t do it alone.
HOLLY: Let’s keep going then–
*bonk*
Well, Holly & Brett now have the extra hurdle of Holly having a concussion. This task is now impossible.
Holly has a meltdown after the concussion.
HOLLY: I’m really burnt out. I am on one hour’s of sleep and I can’t take it in this pit anymore.
She only had one hour of sleep because of a really short pit stop or she was stuck in a hotel room that was directly next to Hal & Joanne where they were doing their dancercise workout routine.
HOLLY: We don’t even have one of them.
BRETT: One could be laying in this pile right here.
“Or two could be laying in that pile way over there. . .but I’m not going to tell her that.”
Jet is ready for his inspection.
JET (in the cheesiest high-pitched voice ever): I’m READY for my INSPECTION SIR!
I wonder how many TAR Canada viewers were pissed off by this. The demographic for TAR Canada tends to be very very protective of the RCMP and law enforcement.
“Fuck, who let this model into the RCMP?”
Assistant to the Regional Commissioner Roger Brown and the sergeant major join Jet.
Roger Brown glares at Jet like he’s Professor Snape from the Harry Potter books.
ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ROGER BROWN: When you say “sir,” it seems somewhat sarcastic.
“Me? I would NEVER be sarcastic, Assistant Commissioner Roger Brown.”
DAVE: Blacky is not good with authority.
Seeing how 2020 and 2021 played out for Jet, this is some epic foreshadowing.
ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ROGER BROWN: Do you not have respect for officers?
JET: I do. . .sir.
“If the cameras weren’t around, you would be caned, boy.”
JET (zany cartoon sound effects added in during the confessional): I’m not even listening to the words he is saying. All I am hearing is HAWM HAWMPH HAWM HAWMPH HAWM.
I like how the cop in the cast is just openly trolling the most patriotic task of the season.
“And this is Sergeant Major Hawmph Hawm-Hawmphhawmph.”
Huh. Maybe that is what Assistant Commissioner Roger Brown said after all.
ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ROGER BROWN: So tell me a little about yourself.
JET: I work with the London Police Service. . .sir.
ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ROGER BROWN: Wow. I don’t know what kind of training you had, but your pit doesn’t come close to our standards.
“It looks more like a Sudbury Pit.”
Sergeant Major Liese sorts through Jet’s closet.
JET: Really????
It is taking everything in Jet’s body to not do a double flip off of Assistant Commissioner Roger Brown.
JET: Everything I did incorrectly is now on my bed. . .which is basically everything.
Hey, that’s not true, man. You’ve got a red shirt in the closet and a pair of boots below it.
That’s still a four percent success rate. It’s the other forty-eight things you got wrong.
JET: They liked my shampoo and that’s about it.
OK. Six percent.
The Hagues make it to the Roadblock in second place. Senior says he is ready for bed. Sadly, it’s not a sleeping task as he was hoping for.
Vanessa & Celina are third to the Roadblock. Celina volunteers herself for bed.
No need to be so nervous, Vanessa. This isn’t Hollywood where being ready for bed has a different meaning. Celina will be okay.
Granted it would be another four years after this episode before the #MeToo movement gained traction in Hollywood.
Dave sees Papa Hague and Celina.
DAVE: My mind is officially blown. They were on the second flight. So that means Holly & Brett are nowhere to be seen and Hal & Joanne are nowhere to be seen.
#FunWithLentils
Celina asks Jet how long he has been doing this Roadblock. Jet says a couple of hours. If you include the failed Fast Forward task, this single city day of filming has to be one of the longest in TAR Canada history.
DAVE: What’s going on in the world?
HAGUE SENIOR: The lentil world is rough, man.
Tim Hague Sr: Not a Saskcan Spokesperson.
This is why Saskcan never sponsoured a future TAR Canada episode.
We cut back to the lentils task.
The sun starts melting Jody’s prosthetic legs.
We get an update on the timer for Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod and Holly & Brett.
What’s funny is I have some behind the scenes knowledge about the TAR Canada 8 leg here in Vernon. During the biathlon task, one of the teams was struggling with competing the Roadblock that after about forty-five minutes Production made it much easier to complete because they didn’t want teams stuck at that task for too long.
Here in the inaugural season Production isn’t interfering and is allowing the task go for as long as necessary until completion. We’re not at TAR Canada 5 yet when Production makes everything significantly easier for teams.
HOLLY: I can’t make the decision, Brett.
BRETT: I’ll keep digging until I die. So it’s up to you.
A man dying on Saskcan property won’t be a good look for the company. Lentils are supposed to make us healthy–not kill us.
Holly brought up the idea of taking the penalty and moving on with their day. She couldn’t keep going with digging through lentils.
Holly has more lentils than boogers in her nose at this point. She’ll be sneezing out lentils for days.
“We will never eat East Indian cuisine again.”
Holly thinks it could be the smarter move.
Yes, it’s the TAR Australia 2 Istanbul dilemma all over again.
You know taking a penalty will guarantee your elimination if you are the only team that takes it.
However, if you are CERTAIN at least one other team will take it then you better be damn sure to take the penalty before they do.
In other words, swallowing your pride and being quitters can save your skin in a situation like this.
If no one else takes the penalty though, you are absolutely fucked (unless it’s a Non-Elimination Leg, of course).
And yes, this makes it the first time ever in TAR Canada history that a team quits a task.
Leg 1 Elimination: A foot race which proved to be null because teams couldn’t read the first clue properly.
Leg 4 Elimination: Kristen & Darren didn’t understand the Double Express Pass twist because of their love for kayaking.
Leg 5 Elimination: Production overestimated how much of a needle in a lentilstack task they had created.
“We’re taking the penalty.”
Brett tells the supervisor they are taking the penalty. The supervisor doesn’t give a damn and just quietly hands over the clue.
“We found your brother dead inside of his apartment last night. Oh, same reaction?”
Joanne notes it’s only them and one other team left at the lentil task.
“There goes our free pass into the next round.”
Holly apologizes to Brett for quitting the task.
JOANNE MCLEOD: When we see Brett & Holly leave, we realize we’ve got to get back in this race.
Harold Johnson & Joanne McLeod are in a slightly different situation from what we saw in TAR Australia 2’s Istanbul fiasco.
Here there is still all day for Hal & Joanne to overtake Holly & Brett. The pit stop isn’t around the corner.
There’s a Roadblock.
There’s a Detour.
There’s a very sleep-deprived and stressed out Holly on the race course who is exhausted.
Jody & Cory aren’t exactly the most brilliant strategists around either. There’s a non-zero chance that Jody & Cory struggle for another hour before taking the two hour penalty too.
Jody & Cory may not realize that they either need to quit that very second or search that lentil truck until nightfall.
BRETT: Holl, Holl, it’s okay. You did your best. It’s okay. Okay?
Okay, okay?
Hal doesn’t want to be last to the U-Turn.
That’s another good point. If word gets out that both Holly & Brett and Hal & Joanne took two hour penalties, the teams won’t bother wasting their U-Turn on anybody else.
The three teams at the Roadblock are all guaranteed to be safe today.
Meanwhile, Celina summons the Sergeant Major for her first inspection.
Assistant Commissioner Roger Brown is licking his lips. Fresh meat.
Celina looks at the Sergeant Major.
ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ROGER BROWN: Look at me when we’re doing inspections.
Assistant Commissioner Roger Brown’s cane is at half mast. I think Roger Brown wants his own inspection.
Celina takes another glance and sees clothes thrown onto the bed. She cries.
*sniffle*
ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ROGER BROWN: Cadet, look at me! You have failed!
“There’s no crying in the pit.”
CELINA: This is the worst challenge ever.
HAL: Jo, how long did we spend in the lentils? Three hours?
I think Harold Johnson would hard disagree, Celina.
ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ROGER BROWN: In the Mounted Police we don’t cry.
“Cadet, remember what the Great Fergie Ferguson said: Big Cadets Don’t Cry.”
Hague Senior is very uneasy when summons the inspectors.
Tim Hague Sr. lied about his pants size. He put on a bit of weight over the long Manitoba winter leading up to filming in the spring.
ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ROGER BROWN: I think we’re going to have an interesting few minutes ahead of us.
“We’re going to have an interesting few minutes ahead of us. . .”
“You’re going to tell me if you hear ‘Yanny’ or ‘Laurel.'”
Sergeant Major throws the biggest boots I’ve ever seen onto the bed. Whose boots are those?
Luc Longley’s?
Assistant Commissioner Roger Brown tells Senior Hague he has not passed the inspection. Tim hangs his head in shame.
You can faintly hear the Charlie Brown music play in the background.
TIM HAGUE: Gotta be kidding me? Hmmm. The collar needs to be folded down.
We cut back to the lentils where Jody & Cory are alone.
Cory tells Jody that he thinks Holly & Brett left the task without finishing.
JODY: Lentils weren’t beating the Mitic Brothers.
It would be funny if Jody survives a war in Afghanistan but yet gets defeated by a truck full of lentils.
Surprisingly we don’t hear an eagle screech for once.
The Sergeant Major lectures Celina to look at the diagram and the example.
SERGEANT MAJOR: It’s not impossible.
I wonder how the Sergeant Major would do in a truck full of lentils.
Tim Hague fails his second inspection. All of his shirts are all incorrect.
Dave says Jet has been at the Roadblock for over two and a half hours.
That’s three hours longer than anybody wants to be in Saskatchewan.
Despite all being in their 20s, Tim, Vanessa, and Dave all have such drastically different personalities. That’s a long three hours.
Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod are fourth to the Roadblock. Jo volunteers.
Holly & Brett are fifth to the Roadblock. Brett volunteers.
All five of them are now inside.
HAROLD: Did you guys find it?
HOLLY: Nope, we dug out the whole thing. . .and we’ll take the penalty.
HAROLD: Yeah, we didn’t find it.
Vanessa pieces something together. . .
“. . .So we need to get to the W-Turn Board first.”
We have freakin’ Quebecois Pediatricians versus the Bodybreak Couple. Who knew this would be the biggest showdown TAR Canada would ever have in its franchise.
Jet summons Assistant Commissioner Roger Brown for his fifth inspection.
Jet is having too much fun with this.
Assistant Commissioner Roger Brown approves Jet’s pit on the fifth attempt.
ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ROGER BROWN: This time. . .you have done well.
JET: He’s trying not to smile but he’s proud of me. I’m his delinquent recruit who wouldn’t quit.
Jet breaks the fourth wall and salutes the audience.
Jet is confused when reading the next clue.
JET: I heart Regina???
“Who hearts Regina????”
“I do. They call me MC Regina.
Regina
Regina
I wanna have sex with your Regina.”
That’s the saddest skyline I have ever seen.
Monty says once here teams will be greeted by a Ukrainian dance troupe. For over 120 years the Ukrainian community has helped build the province of Saskatchewan. After teams have had some fun learning a few steps, they’ll receive their next clue.
I thought all Ukrainians in Canada lived in Grand Forks once upon a time.
I mean, things have changed NOW in 2023 and Ukrainians are everywhere in Canada, but in 2013? I thought there was some sort of law that they all had to live in Grand Forks.
Dave tells Jet that Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod and Holly & Brett both took penalties.
DAVE: Should we U-Turn one of them?
Jet nearly chokes on his apple.
DAVE: Surprise!
Jet & Dave don’t want to U-Turn the only other two teams to win a leg thus far.
Joanne McLeod is cheerleading herself.
JOANNE MCLEOD: I’m doing good. I’m doing really well.
“Keep Knit, and Have Fun.”
Joanne McLeod summons the inspector.
ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ROGER BROWN: So you think everything is correct?
JOANNE MCLEOD: I believe so, sir.
“You know what they say about assuming? It makes an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and Yao ‘Ming.'”
ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ROGER BROWN: It’s not.
Joanne McLeod breaks character.
JOANNE MCLEOD: I’m disappointed sir.
ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ROGER BROWN: So am I.
“Keep in the pit, and have fun.”
Brett fails his inspection.
It would have been ten times more entertaining if Holly did this Roadblock.
“Dammit, I knew these boots weren’t made for walking–they were made for the bottom of the closet.”
Jody & Cory are in the lentil truck.
Cory nearly covers the moose back up after revealing it. Luckily Jody was right there watching.
It makes you wonder if Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod and Holly & Brett fucked up by not watching each other more carefully.
Jody & Cory manage to complete the task and don’t have a two hour penalty attached to their name.
We cut to Regina City Hall.
This is the nicest place in all of Saskatchewan.
Jet & Dave are rounded up to dance.
I’d laugh so hard if somebody got injured because of the Ukrainian breakdancing move.
I wish TAR Canada switched to doing brief extra curricular dances rather than actively implementing dance tasks every other episode. It would be that happy medium for everyone.
The clue is theirs. The man says “here is your next clue” in Ukrainian.
Jet & Dave celebrate receiving the next clue sarcastically.
It’s a Detour. There’s one major thing left for them to do in Regina:
That’s right. It’s time for a task involving #RiderNation. Behold the Roughriders!
No, DMX. We said ROUGH Riders. Not RUFF Ryders.
You know somewhere out there James Duthie just creamed himself watching this episode. No wonder he wanted to start hosting the reunion show in season two.
Teams will choose between Brawn or Beauty for this Detour.
BRAWN
Teams must participate in a series of football drills under the watchful eye of former quarterback and tough guy coach Khari Jones.
Teams must successfully run a series fo speed, agility, and strength drills. One team member must catch a touchdown pass and the other must kick a winning field goal. If they fail any part of the drills, they must take a lap before starting over.
When the teams have completed all of the training exercises, Coach Jones will hand them their next clue.
I like how Jon Montgomery keeps using full names like we’re supposed to know these people.
I didn’t know that random speed skating woman, I don’t know Roger Brown, and I sure as hell don’t know Khari Jones.
Unless he is somehow related to the video game series KataKhari Damacy.
“RUN YOU SONOFABITCH, RUN!!!!”
“Titan 64” sounds like the alternate name to the Nintendo 64.
“Kobe!”
Surprisingly, the gopher is the only person on the team not trying to fetch something.
The gopher successfully photobombs Khari Jones.
BEAUTY
Teams will get a chance to rev up the crowds from the sidelines with the Roughriders cheer team.
Jon Montgomery has more glee than the fucking cheerleaders.
They may as well have used a sprite modeled after Jon Montgomery to replace the cheerleaders in NCAA Basketball for the SNES.
Teams must first learn a choreographed routine comprised of dance, cartwheels, and flips. Racers will then perform the cheerleading dance moves for the fans of Rider Nation. When Gainer the Gopher here is satisfied with their glee, he’ll hand them their next clue.
“Go Team Blanka!”
I hear in TAR Canada 9 they will be reusing this task but they will be replacing the “Saskatchewan Roughriders” with the “Samsung Roughriders” and Mosaic Stadium has been renamed to Staples Stadium.
I wonder if Gainer the Gopher got its name after how much weight it gained from having to stay home in 2020 and 2021.
Jet & Dave choose Brawn, surprisingly. I guess Jet isn’t comfortable with chucking women as much as Dave.
We see the Detour clue. They could’ve saved eighty percent of the ink used by saying “Drive yourselves to Mosaic Stadium and run onto Taylor Field for both options” at the top of the clue.
We cut to Jody & Cory showing up to the RCMP Heritage Centre.
A big trolling opportunity was missed here. The word “bed” in the clue could have referred to a “flatbed” truck full of lentils and make every team dig through more lentils this leg.
Jody thinks he should do it because of his nearly twenty year history of service in the military.
JODY: I haven’t been inspected in like fifteen years.
“Jody hasn’t been inspected in like fifteen years. That’s almost twenty years!”
We cut to Jet & Dave as they put on their Roughriders jerseys. Dave proposes they smash their heads together.
DAVE: 1-2-3-ALI ACT!
Jet is super hyped. Her roars in his confessional.
JET: AND WE STORM OUT THE GATES!
We see Jet & Dave do the manliest scream possible as they run through the tunnel.
“ROAR!!!!”
Thank goodness TAR Canada will never have enough money to do drug testing.
Jet & Dave are instructed to take a lap around the field.
It should be noted that this was filmed on one of the hottest days ever in Saskatchewan history. Between this and the lentils task even Jet & Dave are drained.
Joanne is on her third inspection at the Roadblock.
Joanne succeeds.
Brett succeeds on his third inspection.
Harold Johnson & Joanne McLeod and Holly & Brett exit the RCMP Heritage Centre in what appears to be just a minute apart.
HAL: That’s Brett & Holly. We have to U-Turn them.
JOANNE: OK.
HAL (confessional): They are the only other team with a penalty so we GOT to U-Turn them.
“It’s time to debut our Bodybreak episode about Jeet Kune Do on Holly & Brett. We aim for diversity so we won’t ignore any bone in the human body.”
HOLLY: We’re fighting for last. It’s basically us against Hal right now.
And Joanne. I’m pretty sure you’re against both of them, Holly.
Senior Hague is ready for his fourth inspection.
Camera zooms in on Senior’s Parkinson’s symptoms. .or the camera operator is a big fan of Tim Sr.’s crotch. One of the two.
Senior Hague’s visualization techniques works out. Senior Hague’s fourth inspection is a success.
ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ROGER BROWN: These are your directions.
“They are called CLUES, Roger!”
In all seriousness, Assistant Commissioner Roger Brown is correct. What’s inside the envelope isn’t a clue. Those are very rare. It is almost always specific directions on where to go next.
SENIOR HAGUE: We come here in second place and leave in fourth. I am just so CHAPPED got out of there ahead of me.
Well, they’re not REALLY ahead of you, International Court of Justice Senior. I don’t think they are going to beat you to the mat by over two hours. The Roughriders aren’t that rough on newbies.
Stop.
Drop.
Shut ’em down.
Open up a clue.
Whoa.
Ho.
That’s how Saskatchewan Roughriders
Rolllll.
We cut back to Mosaic Stadium.
Actually, there is very rarely anything worth celebrating in Rider Nation.
Coincidentally enough, the Saskatchewan Roughriders would win the Grey Cup six months later. They haven’t won a Grey Cup since then.
For a league that has only five teams, it is incredible the Saskatchewan Roughriders have won the championship only four times.
Jet & Dave are ready for the first drill.
DAVE (to KHARI JONES): You’re in my fantasy football pool.
What fantasy football pool drafts coaches?!
Gainer is doing some moves from the bench.
Jet & Dave each carry a football for their first drill.
Jet looks like he is ready to drag Khari Jones.
Dave’s high knees suck.
Yeah, you get like ten fewer concussions during fitness. Khari Jones is right.
Jet & Dave’s legs are dragging.
Jet talks about how it is almost forty degrees Celsius outside. He is not exaggerating. It really was one of the hottest days ever in Saskatchewan’s history when they filmed this episode in early May.
Jet is going to be the one to catch a pass. He has to run a hook.
He isn’t even close.
Jet & Dave have to jog another lap around the field. I imagine Production was getting nervous about less physically fit teams being subjected to several laps.
I know the behind the scenes story of Production making the Vernon biathlon task significantly easier for contestants after about thirty minutes to an hour. I know that is nearly a decade after season one, but it’s tough to not think the extreme weather in Regina this leg led to some potential modifications.
“I do not heart Regina.”
We cut back to the Roadblock.
CELINA: My sister is gonna kill me.
I think you could take her, Celina.
Vanessa paces back and forth in the hallway.
Meanwhile Cory is doing windmills.
Celina looks away from Assistant Commissioner Roger Brown.
ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ROGER BROWN: Look at meeeee!
I assume Celina is looking away because of how ugly Assistant Commissioner Roger Brown’s face is at the moment.
ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ROGER BROWN: You have passed.
Celina succeeds on her fifth attempt at the Roadblock.
But fails on her tenth attempt to make eye contact with Assistant Commissioner Roger Brown.
Celina reunited with Vanessa.
CELINA: That was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do.
“We can’t tell if she is trolling us or being serious.”
Vanessa tells Celina about the two penalties.
CELINA: Ohhhh Vanessa–ohhhh ahhhh-hahahaw.
Oh my.
Holly & Brett are at City Hall. Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod are right behind.
Harold Johnson shows the Ukrainians how to do a proper squat.
The Tim Hagues are at City Hall in fourth place (but really second place).
Making teams pretend to have fun and dance with locals after taking a massive penalty is hilariously cruel.
Hal Johnson is hilariously uncoordinated.
Holly & Brett then Hal & Joanne open up the Detour. Brett instantly picks Beauty.
BRETT: BEAUTY OBVIOUSLY!
It’s difficult to look at ourselves objectively.
Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod and The Hagues both pick Brawn. Obviously.
We cut back to the Detour. Jet catches a pass on his second attempt.
No one said you had to do it gracefully.
Jet starts beating his chest like Donkey Kong.
DAVE: I was actually a kicker on my high school team.
Jet sets it up for Dave.
DAVE: If I miss this. . .
JET: Just channel grade nine Dave. Grade nine Dave.
Jet is on the verge of holding a seance to summon Grade Nine Dave.
“IT’S GOOD!”
Hug it out, boys!
Jet & Dave read they must find the Luxury Box between sections 26 and 27 in Mosaic Stadium.
Jet & Dave make a quick jog up the bleachers.
Hopefully it’s a longer pit stop after this leg.
Behold! It’s a W-Turn!
Monty is there to present Canada’s inaugural U-Turn.
NOTE: TAR Canada discontinued U-Turns after season six in favour of the lighter “One Way” twist where teams force another team to complete an assigned Detour task rather than both sides of the Detour.
Jet & Dave don’t have any desire to use the U-Turn.
“We’re not getting involved.
Jet & Dave read they must drive themselves to Pine Island on Lake Wiscona and search for Jon.
NOTE: Yes, this is the back-up pit stop location because too many locals were enjoying the nice weather near the Legislative Building which was the original Pit Stop location.
Jon says teams make their way to Wiscona Centre–one of the largest urban parks in North America. It is even bigger than Central Park. There they must locate Pine Island. It is a scenic island which overlooks the Saskatchewan Legislative Building. It’s the fifth pit stop in a race across Canada. The last team to check in may be eliminated.
“It was the best of times. . .it was the blurst of times.”
One of ten days during the year where the weather is ideal for biking.
I wonder if Monty did the Ukrainian dance moves.
Jody is putting together his pit.
JODY: I haven’t been inspected since the 90s.
And Mel White hasn’t had sex since the 90s.
Cory estimates the other teams hung out at the Roadblock for a couple of hours. Jody has only been there for fifty minutes.
Jody is on his second attempt.
ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ROGER BROWN: Cadet. . .what did you do before you came here?
JODY MITIC: I searched through a truck full of lentils, sir.
Nah, just kidding.
ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ROGER BROWN: Cadet. . .what did you do before you came here?
JODY MITIC: I was a sniper with the first battalion of the Royal Canadian Regiment.
ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ROGER BROWN: Thank you for what you do.
JODY MITIC: Thank you for what you do, sir.
“Well. . .I can’t make a sarcastic joke about this contestant. He gets a free pass.”
Jody has the clue in hand.
And that’s it for Assistant Commissioner Roger Brown.
Jody & Cory exit the Roadblock.
We cut back to #RiderNation.
Which quickly becomes #RideOrDieNation as Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod and Holly & Brett enter the Detour simultaneously with their Ride or Dies.
Harold Johnson needs Joanne to help put on his jersey.
I really wish Production started playing the Bodybreak theme while Hal & Joanne did this task. It would’ve been a great crossover Bodybreak episode about how football is a great way to stay in shape.
Also, I noticed editors threw in which Detour option Hal & Joanne had chosen. I have never seen the US version do that before.
Holly & Brett are at Beauty. They watch the demonstration.
“Ah, fuck.”
Like the beginning of a Viagra commercial, Holly complains she can’t get up.
“Aieeeee!”
BRETT: Holl! Holl! Holl! We got it. We got it.
That hand must feel so damn sweaty right now.
This is hilarious to watch. Holly is cramping up big time. She clearly is in pain and dehydrated. It’s an awful situation for her, but it makes for hilarious television.
Meanwhile, the coach is swatting the hell out of Hal’s football while shouting “HIGH KNEES!” What an epic act of trolling.
Brett gives Holly a brief pep talk.
BRETT: Holl–
HOLLY: OK! Hurry up! Stop talking! Let’s go!
BRETT: Holl, if you’re frustrated, we won’t get it.
“OK! I’ll do it if it means my face isn’t drenched in your hand sweat!”
By the way, for those of you curious where we stand on the “Holl” count so far:
Episode 1 “Holl” Count: 15
Episode 2 “Holl” Count: 7
Episode 3 “Holl” Count: 20
Episode 4 “Holl” Count: 19
Episode 5 “Holl” Count: 10
Total “Holl” Count: 71
Yep. We’re at seventy-one.
CHEERLEADING COACH: For your tumbling section, we’re going to get you guys to do two cartwheels.
HOLLY: We should switch. I can’t do a cartwheel.
Brett looks like the cheerleader asked him to find and destroy all of Lord Voldemort’s horcruxes.
Debra & Steve would have an easier time doing a cartwheel than Holly & Brett.
Holly & Brett, ever the strategists, refuse to give up (again).
BRETT: What counts as a cartwheel? Both feet off the ground?
CHEERLEADING COACH: Um. . .yeah.
What a pro.
HOLLY: That would count.
#ThePerfectCartwheel
Even Creed Bratton did a better cartwheel than Brett.
Brett sees Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod doing a physical challenge across the field.
We cut to Hal tackling a punching bag.
HAL JOHNSON: HEE-YAH!
Hal Johnson also catches the pass on his first attempt.
Around the back and over the shoulder! Harold Johnson is elated right now!
Joanne suckers down some water. It’s time to come through with the clutch field goal.
Joanne’s kick is too low.
KHARI: TAKE A LAP!!!
They are going to be kicking themselves when they see what counts as a cartwheel.
TIM SENIOR: They missed it? Sweet!
The Hagues are definitely not in Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod’s corner today.
Hal & Joanne decide to swap. Note that they are no longer jogging during their lap. Joanne’s quad pull and the heat is really slowing them down.
Tim Hague Sr. catches the pass on his second attempt.
He even makes it dramatic by crashing to the ground.
And the crowd goes wild.
Vanessa & Celina show up to Mosaic Stadium. Celina has lentils in her shoes.
Hey, it’s better than glitter.
Junior Hague tells his dad to have the laces out.
It’s good!
“Fuck.”
Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod are really hoping the Hagues U-Turn Holly & Brett. They need one team to U-Turn Holly & Brett to guarantee their survival this round.
The Hagues enter the Situation Room.
Junior quickly fills in the blank board. Who is getting U-Turned?
“How will we look being the first team to U-Turn a team in TAR Canada history?”
SENIOR: I say we go for it.
Oh. Apparently we have gone back in time as the W-Turn Board is now blank again.
TIM JUNIOR: We are U-Turning Hal & Joanne and we are the Tims.
Wait. I’m chronologically confused.
We’ve gone from the Tims having their picture on the board to nobody’s picture the board to Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod’s picture on the board to both pictures on the board.
My guess is maybe this really did happen in chronological order. Maybe they decided to put their picture up, but then took it down. Then talked about it for another minute and changed their minds again to use it.
This really is the start of the Tims’ downward trend in popularity with the fans. They went after the most well-liked team in the eyes of the general public.
The good news for us is they don’t give a damn about who made the Ab Master.
The obvious logic here is that Hal & Joanne have been by far the strongest team and this round is the only round that they have shown any vulnerabilities.
This could very well be the only opportunity when Hal & Joanne could be at peril prior to the final leg.
They are literally dropping the ball today.
Meanwhile, we cut to the contingency pit stop.
“There’s my boys.”
Jet & Dave dance their way onto the mat.
What the hell is that? They should get a two hour penalty just for that.
The pit stop greeter pretends as if nothing happened.
PIT STOP GREETER: Welcome to Regina–The Land of the Living Skies.
My previous employer was from Regina. I’ve known him for nearly ten years and not once did he refer to his hometown as the Land of the Living Skies.
JET: Great skies.
DAVE: Great sky.
DOC BROWN: Great Scott!
Monty informs them they have won another leg and two round trip tickets to anywhere Air Canada flies. Damn.
I miss Air Canada as a sponsour.
JET: I know where we are going. . .
JET & DAVE: Regina!
I love how they play ball with Production’s product placements in the most sarcastic way possible.
FIRST PLACE: JET & DAVE
Jet & Dave become the first team in TAR Canada history to win consecutive legs.
“That’s right! Two!”
P.S. As of August 2023, neither Jet nor Dave have returned to Regina, Saskatchewan.
We cut back to Joanne McLeod.
We now present “Woman Getting Hit By Football:
Joanne McLeod after three failed attempts.
Vanessa & Celina chose the cheerleading task.
CELINA: Try it. Be gentle.
At least it was more gentle than Holly’s first attempt.
“I don’t get it. What’s the hold up?”
The cheerleaders act like weightlifting spotters.
Vanessa says the most important part about the challenge was completing the stunt.
Celina tells Vanessa she is swinging her leg to the wrong side.
Holly & Brett describe the task as taking place in “a thousand degrees in negative fun.”
I can believe it.
Oh, and that’s Joanne McLeod taking another lap behind them. Hilarious.
Holly channels her Inner Jon Jones and unintentionally pokes Brett’s eyes.
I guess this constitutes a stunt.
Holly & Brett make their first official attempt at the whole routine.
Holly does her best to imitate the “hands on hips” pose.
Holly busts out #ThePerfectCartwheel.
Unfortunately, Holly slips off of Brett’s shoulders and they don’t meet the criteria for the stunt.
Holly sits down and thinks about what she has done.
Celina asks Vanessa how long Holly & Brett have been practicing the routine. Vanessa says it is just all about the stunt. Everything else in the routine will be easy.
CELINA: I don’t know if we can do it. That is the thing.
Too bad the penalty for quitting a Detour is longer than the penalty for an Active Route Info. I think it is three hours in TAR Canada 1 through to today.
If the penalty was the same length of time, Vanessa & Celina could’ve quit right then and there to guarantee they beat Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod and Holly & Brett to the pit stop mat.
Joanne McLeod catches the pass on -her- third attempt. Hal Johnson has to kick the field goal.
Hal Johnson misses.
HAL JOHNSON: AH SHIT!
It’s the first time Bodybreak has ever been caught using profanity on television in their 20+ year career. HILARIOUS. The squeaky clean Hal Johnson just shouted “AHHH SHIT!” after failing a field goal attempt.
“AH SHIT!”
It’s their fourth failed attempt and they need to take another lap.
Jody & Cory pull up to Mosaic Stadium.
Khari tells Hal Johnson this should be their last attempt. Hal Johnson is EXHAUSTED as he tackles the punching bag once more.
“goo.”
Holly & Brett are on their sixth attempt of the cheerleading routine.
Joanne McLeod catches the pass. Hal Johnson kicks the field goal successfully.
“I believe I can fly!”
Hilariously enough, this is exactly what Holly looks like when she tries to Dip It Low like Christina Milian. A+ for effort, Holly. A+ for effort.
Maybe she can be Milian’s successor.
Holly nearly disfigures Brett’s face but pulls off the routine.
Their routine is approved. Brett asks the cheerleading coach to bring it in for a hug.
Brett keeps it classy by making out with a gopher.
Holly & Brett see Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod running up the bleachers. They -know- the only logical move is that whoever makes it to the board first will U-Turn the other.
JOANNE MCLEOD: COME DRAG ME!!!
Joanne McLeod’s quad injury must be absolutely aggravating right now.
BRETT: C’mon Holl. Give it everything. Everything.
HOLLY: I’m gonna throw up, Brett.
BRETT: They’re right there, Holl.
Hal Johnson keeps yelling at Joanne McLeod to hustle. Brett is trying to encourage Holly.
Joanne McLeod is trying to run up several flights of bleachers on a 40 degree day in a race against a couple half of her age as she is suffering through a quad injury. What a trooper.
Hal Johnson keeps telling Joanne McLeod they need to U-Turn ’em.
This is by far the most intense showdown of all nine seasons. It’s not even close for me.
Of course this sprint to the W-Turn Board is split up with a commercial break.
Harold Johnson & Joanne McLeod win the showdown.
Holly & Brett lose this showdown by mere seconds.
Bodybreak sees the W-Turn Board.
JOANNE MCLEOD: OH!
That’s right. They’ve been taken off guard with the U-Turn. I doubt they expected any other teams willing to get involved after it was made known that two teams took the penalty.
How does Joanne McLeod feel about The Hagues’ move?
“That’s too much, man!”
Like Ashanti, Tim Hague just put that Bodybreak on me.
Hal Johnson reiterates the logic of U-Turning Holly & Brett.
For the first time since TAR 18 (and to a lesser extent TAR Australia 2), we’re going to see one team blatantly U-Turn another team as they stand next to each other awkwardly at the W-Turn Board.
HAL JOHNSON (groaning and panting): We’re going. . .to. . .U-Turn. . .gahhh. . .Brett. . .and Holly.
I’m not exaggerating when I say that Hal Johnson is probably just a slightly expedited heart rate away from collapsing into the W-Turn Board. He sounds absolutely spent.
It hits Holly that now they have to do drills, sprints, tackles, a catch, and a field goal kick while Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod just need to do a couple of #PerfectCartwheels and get on Hal Johnson’s shoulders.
I doubt it even feels like a fair fight. All other teams have a two hour lead by default.
HOLLY: I can’t do it.
BRETT: Holl–
HOLLY: I can’t do it.
BRETT: Holl–
HOLLY: I can’t do it.
Brett says both of them were at the end.
I will say Holly’s face is really red and does look like she is on the verge of heatstroke. She gave it her all in the cheerleading task.
Brett coaches Holly into going to the change room and have a water break.
HAL JOHNSON: U-Turned by Tim & Tim. Don’t understand why. Not cool. Not cool at all.
This is as close as you’ll ever hear the Bodybreak couple say “Fuck you” on camera. The rudest thing they can say to someone is “not cool, man, not cool.”
Speaking of the Tims, they hit the mat. Monty gives them the good news.
SECOND PLACE: TIM HAGUES
This is by far their best leg so far.
Monty asks them about U-Turning Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod.
“Tsssssk, it’s not gonna air on TV, is it?”
JUNIOR: Hal & Joanne are fantastic. . .and they are really strong competitors. When you see a weakness, you got to take it.
We’ll go over this move more later on in the season. . .but my god was this a savage move by the Hagues.
Jody & Cory gear up. Vanessa & Celina are practicing the stunt some more.
Nope.
Brett asks Holly to hurry up.
BRETT: Holl, we got to go.
Holly “literally” can’t even run.
Hal Johnson is confident about their survival considering he has no confidence in Zombie Mode Holly being able to function enough to catch a pass in her current state, and THEN Brett needs to kick a damn ball.
The stunt goes well in practice.
Holly screams at Brett to run faster with the ball.
Holly is ready to bulldoze Brett for moving insultingly slow.
Holly says she will throw herself down the field.
Holly runs down the field at a slower speed than Gus of Gus & Hera from TAR 6. It’s hilarious.
It’s like a turtle on the field.
Ten bucks says it’ll hit her in the face.
WHAT THE HELL?! SHE CAUGHT IT?!
BRETT: Way to bring it, Holl!
“Hercules! Hercules!”
BRETT: She’s never caught a ball in her life.
That’s a lie. She has caught at least two balls in her life. . .unless Brett has the same thing that Tom Green had.
KHARI JONES: Have you ever kicked a field goal before?
BRETT: Never before in my life.
Holly has the laces out.
BRETT: Don’t look at it. Okay, Holl?
I can’t figure out if it’s for Holly’s sake or Brett’s sake.
Will lightning strike twice?
It’s good!
Brett is hugging everybody like he’s Charlotte Diamond.
We cut to a confessional.
BRETT: “Have I ever kicked a field goal?”
Brett pauses as he comes up with a response.
BRETT: Have you ever examined a baby?
That’s right. Holly & Brett, two people who have never kicked a ball, caught a ball, touched a ball, jumped, jogged, or skipped in their lives, just caught a football and kicked a field goal on their first try.
I should note that it is MUCH easier to catch a ball when you are moving at a very slow speed. Holly certainly didn’t have to run as far for the hook pass as Jet or Dave did.
Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod quickly turn around.
JOANNE MCLEOD: Did they get it?
HAL JOHNSON: . . .They got it.
Those arms slump down.
Holly & Brett presumably run back to the W-Turn Board to collect the clue, and then come back down the bleachers. Both of them run by Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod as they wait to do the routine.
Brett gets to run by them first.
BRETT: Guys, good luck. We’ll see you at the pit stop okay. . .
And as Brett passes them he throws in one more “good luck.”
What a good sport. He is being encouraging towards Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod, and wishes them well. What a nice young man.
How do Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod react to it?
Well, Hal Johnson is completely silent. As for Joanne McLeod?
Be prepared for my favourite one-liner in ALL of The Amazing Race history. Not just The Amazing Race Canada.
JOANNE MCLEOD: Fuck off.
Holy shit.
The freakin’ Bodybreak couple that encourages families to eat healthy, exercise, and to keep fit and have fun just said “Fuck off” to another team on The Amazing Race.
This is the greatest moment in the history of Canadian television.
It has been over ten years since this originally aired, and it still holds up as the greatest Canadian reality TV moment.
Again, if you grew up with Bodybreak in Canadian pop culture, this is the funniest freakin’ thing you’ll ever see.
Like, maybe Joanne McLeod might say “fudge off” but you sure as hell wouldn’t expect her to outright say “Fuck off.”
Hell, it’s one of the rudest things anyone has said to an opposing team on any reality show ever.
And it came from freakin’ Joanne “Fuck Off” McLeod.
If somebody wrote a fan fiction about The Amazing Race Canada, there’s no way in hell you could write profanity into Hal & Joanne’s dialogue.
But here we are. Joanne McLeod just said “Fuck off” on national television.
I distinctly remember my siblings and I joking about this for weeks if not months.
***
Now, I need to take a couple of quick asides here.
ASIDE #1: I interviewed Hal Johnson on RTV Warriors about five years ago. We spent about thirty minutes at the end of the podcast talking about this moment.
Joanne McLeod said “fuck off” so quietly under her breath that Hal didn’t even hear her. And he was standing RIGHT NEXT TO HER.
So that means editors were in the editing suite and cranked up the volume AS LOUDLY AS THEY POSSIBLY COULD to get that sound bite on TV.
Joanne was so shocked that the microphone was able to pick that up and was disappointed it was broadcast on TV.
ASIDE #2: Hal & Joanne were supposed to do a mouthwash commercial. When this episode aired, the company dropped them from being in the commercial.
Hal proposed the angle of them rinsing out Joanne’s mouth with the mouthwash after saying “Fuck off,” but I guess the company wasn’t willing to go for it.
ASIDE #3: Hal & Joanne were pissed off the moment was brought up again in the reunion show. I rewatched the reunion show and you could tell Joanne was pissed that the harpies from The Social asked her about it.
ASIDE #4: Joanne had absolutely no interest in any possible “all star” season of The Amazing Race Canada. It wasn’t until the year that I interviewed Hal that Joanne is even open to the idea of competing again.
ASIDE #5: This was alluded to in the reunion show [as well as with Kristen & Darren’s confessionals early in the season], but Brett was pissing off people left and right in scenes that didn’t make it onto the show. Therefore, his whole tone after the Detour came off as insulting rather than sincere.
Once you factor in all of that information, you can understand why that “fuck off” remark came off the way it did on TV.
Editors obviously took some liberties in how it was presented on TV to make it as entertaining and hilarious as possible, and boy did it pay off. Even if it did come at Joanne’s personal expense temporarily.
And that’s the story of how Joanne McLeod from Bodybreak channeled her Inner Conner4Real on national television. She even sang about it too.
“Is another team giving you a hard time? Trying to U-Turn you out of the race? Next time another team is acting bogus, try this out:
Stand on your tippie toes, look them dead in the eye, say Holly. . .Brett. . .you can both FUCK OFF!
I don’t want your life
I don’t want your shit
I hate the Tims
Fuck off
So get out of my face
You can suck Hal’s mustache
Motherfucking shit-head bitch
You can keep fit and
Fuck off
Off
Off
Off
I’m gonna live forever
Off
Off
I hope you keep fit and fuck off
In prison
And that’s what you should say.
What about when you visit your kid’s pediatrician?
Well, the next time your pediatrician is being a real Grumposaurus
Stand tall, look Brett & Holy dead in the eye, and say “Pediatrician, can you help me out and just FUCK OFF!
You can’t teach me how to kick
And if I was the Mitics,
I would snipe your wrists
Fuck off
Cause I’m quite fit
I’ll dig your grave
Til the job is done
So Keep Fit And
Fuck Off
Off
Off
Off
We’re gonna live forever
Keep Fit And
Fuck
Off
Off
Off
Off
I hope Jamie & Pierre
Butt fuck you in prison!”
Cause we are the teams
of The Amazing Race
We race for ourselves
So Jet & Dave the fuck out our way
And Vanessa & Celina
Can choke on shit
And we hope the Cop Twinz
Suffocate on a Mitic’s dick
“Be good to each other. Keep Fit and Have Peace.”
*
Joanne McLeod saying “Fuck Off” to Brett under her breath reminds me of one of my favourite jokes from the Flight of the Conchords TV show.
Much like Bodybreak, Flight of the Conchords had a squeaky clean image and the TV show was known for being the only HBO show to not use any profanity.
In the series finale, Brett and Jemaine waste all of Murray’s money.
MURRAY: I’m so angry I could swear right now.
BRETT: You wouldn’t do that, Murray.
MURRAY: . . .Go fuck yourself, Brett!
You know you’re really pissing people off when Flight of the Conchords and Bodybreak have only told you of all people on the planet to go fuck yourself.
That takes true talent, Holly & Brett.
Anyways, let’s finish off this episode.
Oh, by the way, Vanessa & Celina complete the Detour on their third attempt. They always seem to dodge all of the theatrics going on around them. It’s like they have been on their own little side quest as shots are being taken at everyone else around them.
BRETT: We just beat Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod in sports.
Don’t remind them.
We see Jody & Cory at the Detour. Cory says he watches the CFL including Saskatchewan Roughriders. It’s their first attempt at the Brawn task.
Jody catches a pass.
Cory kicks the field goal.
Detour done on their first attempt. That’s it for your airtime at this task, boys. Moving on. . .
That means Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod are all alone at the Detour.
Holly & Brett make it to the pit stop.
BRETT: There’s the flag, Holl. C’mon Holl.
“THIRD PLACE: HOLLY & BRETT”
Monty informs them they are third place and that they have the two hour penalty. They must wait off to the side.
We don’t even see the clock because we all know this penalty cancels out Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod’s penalty. What’s the point? The only point of suspense for the viewer is if this leg is a non-elimination or not.
Meanwhile, Vanessa & Celina check in as Brett applauds them from the sidelines.
THIRD PLACE: VANESSA & CELINA
The Tims and Vanessa & Celina really like to stick together in the standings.
Holly cries and apologizes Brett for taking the penalty. I don’t understand why she’s apologizing. We know there’s an equalizer coming and they are guaranteed to be safe tonight.
Oh, Jody & Cory check into the mat.
FOURTH PLACE: JODY & CORY
Good job. We’ll talk about Jody’s prosthetic legs some more next week.
Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod make their first attempt at the cheerleading routine.
This whole day is just becoming a comedy of errors.
“Why don’t they just take a second penalty this leg?”
Hal is hoping the leg is a non-eliminaiton leg. That’s the only reason they aren’t quitting.
We have another ad break. Normally I don’t point these out in the write-ups, but this is such a dumb spot for one.
Why? Because there is less than seventy seconds of running time between now and the end of the round. All other teams have already checked in. We know Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod are guaranteed to be last place.
They succeed on their third attempt.
Granted it wasn’t the most graceful routine.
“The Amazing Race Canada is supposed to be fun and good.”
The coach tells them they are “game ready.”
The other cheerleaders cheer while Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod offer ZERO reaction.
This leg has dropped ten years from their projected lifespan.
We cut to them driving then jogging to the mat.
Monty explains they are dead last and received the two hour penalty as well as Holly & Brett.
MONTY: Holly & Brett have also incurred the same penalty. . .which means you’ve been eliminated from the race.
FIFTH PLACE: HOLLY & BRETT
Holly & Brett are too tired to be summoned to the mat. I haven’t seen a team able to check in for their official placement while seated off to the side.
LAST PLACE: HAL JOHNSON & JOANNE MCLEOD
JOANNE MCLEOD: We tried.
MONTY:How do you feel?
JOANNE MCLEOD: Just surprised at the U-Turn. That’s all.
MONTY: That was a game changer, eh?
HAL JOHNSON: That’s the way the game is. . .if we weren’t U-Turned, I think we had a very good chance at winning the race. We were getting better and better. . .this race is skill and luck. We just didn’t have the luck.
JOANNE MCLEOD: I think we will continue to keep fit and have fun until we are six feet under.
That’d be a hell of a sight to see.
Episode 1 “Holl” Count: 15
Episode 2 “Holl” Count: 7
Episode 3 “Holl” Count: 20
Episode 4 “Holl” Count: 19
Episode 5 “Holl” Count: 19
Total “Holl” Count: 80
****
Since TAR Canada (1), Hal & Joanne were able to do spots on Santa Clarita Diet, the Vancouver airport, and a freakin’ music video where a guy chases down Hal Johnson’s mustache.
The Hagues did Hal & Joanne’s favour by creating this iconic exit.
“Fuck Bodybreak Day
Only Makes Hal & Joanne’s Payday”
Thank you, Eazy E.
Next Time on TAR: The remaining five teams race to Quebec City, Quebec where the sisters get lost en route and where the language barrier has teams tongue tied and twisted. At the Roadblock, Vanessa gets crushed by crepes and at the Detour the sisters’ choice could prove costly.
Next Time on TAR Mentions:
HOLLY & BRETT 1
TIM & TIM 1
VANESSA & CELINA 1
CONFESSIONAL COUNT
TIM SR / TIM JR 4/2
VANESSA / CELINA 4/4
HOLLY / BRETT 12/15
JET / DAVE 8/10
HAL JOHNSON/ JOANNE MCLEOD 11/3
JODY / CORY 3/2
Rank the Legs
1) Whitehorse, Yukon -> Regina, Saskatchewan
This is by far the best leg in TAR Canada history. I have held to that since TAR Canada (1) originally aired over a decade ago. It is incredible this episode still holds up this well ten years later.
Given TAR Canada’s drastic decrease in quality since season five, this episode will never be toppled from the top spot.
It has all of the strengths that were unique to the TAR Canada.
They traveled to a Canadian location that has enough to offer for a single episode and hadn’t been used yet.
They had tasks with a high difficulty including the unaired police simulator task for the Fast Forward.
We had peak U-Turn drama. The two biggest teams went head-to-head by taking the same penalty and both being U-Turned. One team was seen as the favourites to win the season, and the other team has been at the centre of controversy. Furthermore, a third team interjected themselves into the drama to make it as compelling as possible.
We strayed away from the typical negatives in TAR Canada such as distracting sponsours, going to lame small towns, re-using the same city centres over and over, dancing tasks, or an over-emphasis on being super serious with Canadian patriotism.
Even the patriotic task–the RCMP pit making Roadblock, was seen as comedic and satire rather than nauseating over-indulging nationalism.
Oh, and Jet & Dave and Vanessa & Celina were hilarious on the side.
I wish CTV and Insight would rewatch this episode and understand why fans of The Amazing Race used to praise TAR Canada during the first four seasons.
The only downside to this episode is that we lost Hal & Joanne in episode five with another five episodes to go.
2) Drumheller, Alberta -> Yellowknife, Northwest Territories -> Carcross, Yukon
Constant eagle screeches, Jet & Cord music, and cymbals when there were missed hatchet tosses aside, this is the first truly great TAR Canada episode in history. This will mark the first of four consecutive great episodes we will see this season. As I said before, the beginning phase and the ending phase to the season are by far the weakest in contrast to the middle of the season.
First, we visit not one but TWO of the territories in the same leg. Production was eager to cover every single major region of Canada in the inaugural season. That’s one thing I credit this season with doing well–Production acted as if this was going to be the only season of TAR Canada, and made sure every region was showcased. Contrast this with today where British Columbia and Ontario host fifty percent of every season.
We did get our first dreadful “Memorize and recite this written Canadian work” task, but thankfully it was a quick little Speed Bump for The Hagues. Nobody will recall this task by next week.
This leg had the popular Canadian trend of polar bear dips. Throw in lumberjack mini games, rafting, and cool landscapes and you have yourself a decent leg design.
We also had a sign-up sheet which fooled nearly everybody. Multiple teams ran by it and it should have been the season-ending blunder for Jody & Cory. Cory signed up for the final flight by accident and was riding with two teams who had Express Passes. The last ditch effort to appeal to Hal & Joanne’s definition of sportsmanship could have been a great concluding storyline for them.
Speaking of Hal & Joanne, we saw them continue to demonstrate they are the most skilled team in this cast. They’re well-liked, they excel at every task despite Joanne’s unaired torn hamstring, and were well-prepared for the season.
Given how linear the Detour and the race to the pit stop were, Jody & Cory should’ve been dead. It should’ve been a foregone conclusion. Vanessa & Celina and Kristen & Darren use their Express Passes, and Jody & Cory go home by default.
No. No. No. That didn’t happen.
Despite TAR 22 Episode 4 airing just weeks before filming of TAR Canada 1, Kristen & Darren had their own “Oy Vey” moment.
So let’s quickly compare and contrast Jessica & John handling of the Double Express Pass with Kristen & Darren handling of the Double Express Pass.
It was TAR Canada’s first experience of “See, everybody? We CAN have moments that match the American version.”
Jessica & John can be given some slack because it was an unprecedented twist in the race to figure out. After the season aired everyone knew you should just honour whatever agreement was made and keep everyone happy. If you agree to hand it off to the second place team, you should hand it off to the second place team to preserve trust amongst your allies.
Kristen & Darren instead swapped it to “we don’t like Holly & Brett so we’ll give it to the weakest team in the race.”
However, Vanessa & Celina are aware that they are a weak team and know when they needed to use it. If it’s a showdown with just one or two other teams, they have enough sense to know they’ll likely lose that showdown and need to get the hell out of there.
Kristen & Darren made identical mistakes to what Jessica & John did.
a) Stirring up mistrust for multiple rounds;
b) They had too much confidence in their own skills to think they would ever need it;
c) They got distracted by a fun couple of tasks and wanted to experience every task.
John’s judgment was clouded because he was having too much fun in Bali. Kristen & Darren were having too much fun because of the Yukon landscape and a rafting task.
The parallels were uncanny.
I am trying to think if this episode would have been well-received if it was just Jody & Cory going home by default because two Express Passes sent them home. Suddenly Cory signing up for the wrong flight would have been the blunder of the season.
The absurdity of the Double Express Pass Blunder in TAR Canada doesn’t reach the same comedic levels as TAR 22. Namely because Kristen & Darren weren’t spitting out ridiculous quotes at the pit stop nor Jon Montgomery didn’t break the third wall to cement how big of a mistake was truly made.
Canadian reality television tends to go easier on its contestants when they make mistakes in contrast to American reality television. Look at all of the quitters in Big Brother Canada and you’ll see what I mean.
Overall, this is the first episode in TAR Canada that is ranked above “meh.”
3) Kelowna, BC -> Vancouver, BC
Wow. This leg confused teams much more than I remembered. The round starts off with a foregone conclusion Jamie & Pierre are absolutely dead as their flight is several hours behind the other teams. We see Kristen & Darren being quite vulnerable this leg as they argue and botch directions numerous times. Two faulty cab rides and a poorly navigated SkyTrain ride made it clear this team is not as well-rounded as we think.
Hal & Joanne and Holly & Brett both set themselves apart as the strongest teams. Hal & Joanne picked up standby tickets to leap ahead and use their physical ability and wits to stay in a strong position. Holly & Brett’s pure wit preserved their spot at the top of the leaderboard but the consequences of their social game are starting to pile up.
We see the rivalry between Tim & Tim and Vanessa & Celina continue as Tim & Tim return the taunts from the previous pit stop.
We see a lot of Jet & Dave content this episode. We saw them waste three hours on the Detour. If Jamie & Pierre were on the first or second flight, Jet & Dave would’ve been the second boots in TAR Canada history. Jet & Dave are prone to making massive blunders. They tend to blast through a leg or get greatly hindered by one.
The ice skating Roadblock at the Richmond Oval was lame. I remember thinking about how lame it was when it originally aired nine years ago. It made me feel like I was watching somebody try to interpret a cheap knock-off version of The Amazing Race.
However, the Detour made up for it. We really tapped into Vancouver’s ever expanding Chinatown culture.
The industrial site Active Route Info was a fine way to represent Vancouver Harbour.
The sponsours weren’t distracting this leg. They were integrated well.
The pit stop was a scenic location.
This leg was a near perfect representation of Vancouver overall. The only major landmark they missed in the heart of Vancouver is the River Rock Casino. What’s amusing is we will see a Chinese casino inspired task in TAR Canada 2. I’m actually surprised we haven’t seen the River Rock featured after eight seasons of TAR Canada and multiple Vancouver legs.
Production did the best they could to create suspense if Jamie & Pierre could get out of last place, but didn’t put too much time into it. They backed off once the audience knew it was clear they had no chance of overcoming the deficit. Now that Jamie & Pierre are gone, it felt like we had seven teams on an overall level playing field.
4) Niagara Falls, Ontario -> Kelowna, BC
Out of all of the legs this season, this is the one I am the most familiar with in my personal life. Add in the fact that this was the first ever leg of TAR Canada, and that makes it a bit special. While this was filming I would’ve been sitting in a classroom just a two minute drive from the airport and fifteen minutes away from where most of this leg took place.
Jee-an’s number one thing to do on her bucket list was see Niagara Falls. That starting line certainly brought about a lot of emotional memories from last year.
While a chunk of the audience would groan when they clued in that this was going to be a domestic season, the rest of us had to accept this would ultimately be a beta test of a season. Just nine teams? Only ten legs? No language barriers? No culture shock? An obscure penalty that occurred 24 hours later takes a team out? What is this. . .?
Although I didn’t point it out during the episode, I remember how much the music was out of sync with the episode. I talked about it when it originally aired. The goofy placements, the ties that weren’t ties, and camera angles that failed to capture the perfect moments. It’s great to see what an episode of The Amazing Race looks like with an inexperienced crew that isn’t too well-versed in competitive reality television.
The premiere is a fun glimpse into how an inexperienced crew handles one of the most ambitious reality shows to produce. It makes you appreciate how well Michael Mackay handles everything with TAR Asia, Australia, and China Rush, and how well Bertram Van Munster and Elise Doganieri handle the American version.
We witnessed a very emotional exit between two teams and a whole lot of unintentional comedy. This is one of the funniest season premieres I’ve seen. Yes, a lot of the comedy is unintentional but that’s the type of comedy I prefer.
Jet throws in a hell of a lot of one-liners, multiple alliances formed, and we get a super unlikely rivalry where the youngest all-female team is after the oldest all-male team who also happen to have Parkinson’s. Good luck thinking of that in your fan fiction.
The ending to this episode is wonky. It’s a very very close foot race, but it didn’t matter the team won the foot race as they were going home by default due to a penalty that happened about 30 hours earlier. That’s a strange one.
Kelowna was represented really well. Waterfront activities, Ogopogo, and a trestle bridge. The pit stop being located at a winery was also fitting.
Throwing in the earlier flight for more “frightening” terrariums is a bit subjective, but hey, it beats the hell out of a shitty dancing challenge. I’ll take it.
Overall, this was a surprisingly well-put together leg for the first season of TAR Canada. For the next three seasons, they’ll try to one-up the premiere each season as we progress.
5) Vancouver, BC -> Drumheller, Alberta
It’s the second leg in a row with a choreography task, and this time it was a mandatory task.
The first leg had the excitement of being the series premiere with Canada as well as fans of TAR worldwide being intrigued what a TAR Canada would look like. A team was eliminated.
The second leg emphasized the Chinese culture prevalent throughout Vancouver. A team was eliminated.
This third leg had a couple of odd locations: A place to do a country dance and a place to shovel coal. A team wasn’t eliminated.
It is by far the weakest leg of the first half of this season.
It was more of a bridge episode as Kristen & Darren betrayed Holly & Brett by going back on their word, and instead hand off the second Express Pass to Vanessa & Celina. It signals that the “Everyone Wants Holly & Brett Out” storyline is now in full swing.
The rivalry between Tim & Tim and Vanessa & Celina continue. I forgot how much Tim Sr. went after them in his confessionals. It’s interesting to note just how much the other teams weren’t concerned by the Tim Hagues and Vanessa & Celina during the season. Jet mocked Vanessa & Celina’s strategy, Kristen & Darren handed them an Express Pass because they’re the weakest team, and the Tim Hagues finished in dead last. The two bottom feeders have the biggest rivalry with one another and also have the least amount of respect from the rest of the cast. That’s an unusual combination.
As I stated earlier, this is the first NEL in TAR Canada history and also the first “put on a costume and do a silly dance” in TAR Canada history. And also the first Alberta leg in TAR Canada history.
It was a shame that the Speed Bump, which fans were already getting bored with by TAR 22 US, was also adopted by TAR Canada. What’s funny is that TAR US has stopped using the Speed Bump penalty but yet TAR Canada has continued to use it through all eight seasons to the present day.
Also, it is clear from this episode just how much of a slog it is to get through the “put on a costume and dance” task. We’ll get to dissecting other puzzling permanent decisions Production has made over the years, but boy oh boy is it clear from the get-go that this type of task is not interesting to watch at all. I truly believe it is strictly used when Production needs to save money on the budget or can’t find anything to do that’s relevant to the area. This ranks up there with TAR Canada’s other favourite of “memorize this speech/pattern” in the early seasons. With dwindling budgets and lacklustre locations as the seasons progress, “put on a costume and dance” will become increasingly frequent. The one benefit is it makes my TARstorian episode recaps much faster to get through.
Overall, I don’t have much to say about this leg. Seeing the Royal Tyrell Museum brought back some pleasant childhood memories. I wish they had put the clue box at the top of the gigantic dinosaur at the Royal Tyrell Museum like in my childhood TAR fanfic. Those steps can be exhausting!
Rank the Teams
1) Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod
Keep Fit and Fuck Off!
Er, Keep Fit and Have Fun.
I love Harold Johnson & Joanne McLeod’s inclusion in this season.
They were apart of the greatest episode and elimination arc in TAR Canada history.
Hal & Joanne were the only truly famous team going into this season when it aired (sorry Vanessa Morgan), and it was the first time many Canadians had heard from Bodybreak in about ten years or so. They were mainly known as 90s icons.
Seeing their career and standing in Canadian pop culture get completely reinvigorated after TAR Canada was great to see.
I know Hal Johnson is annoyed that their edit wasn’t the most dynamic, but they definitely served their purpose in this season. They were the team that was clearly on the path to winning season one, and hell, I could see Hal being promoted to being host for season two after his failed audition to be the host of this season.
I think if Holly & Brett went home in Leg 5, we could’ve had an intriguing grudge match between the Tims and Hal & Joanne. That’s the one negative impact from their elimination is that the only leftover rivalry is Tim & Tim versus Vanessa & Celina.
One other great thing about Hal & Joanne’s presence is a lot of the jokes write themselves. They have the perfect personalities and career backgrounds for satire.
And they didn’t feel like stunt casting compared to other reality TV crossover contestants or social media influencers because Hal & Joanne feel like “regular” people who just naturally fit in with The Amazing Race.
When you know how hardcore of a fan they were of this show and they auditioned just like anybody else, it felt like they were picked for being the best older couple out there with an interesting personality that was in the available casting pool.
It wasn’t a case of “random Olympians who were cast because they were Olympians.”
I know people have talked about wanting to have a TAR Canada All Star season since about season three or season four because that’s what today’s reality TV fans obsess over.
I never want to see an all star season for any TAR franchise.
However, if CTV greenlights a TAR Canada all star season for season ten, it seems like a gigantic waste of time if you don’t have Hal & Joanne AND Holly & Brett on it. That would be a requirement.
Hal & Joanne’s dominance during the Alberta leg is one of the most dominant legs I have seen air in any TAR franchise.
I’m glad Hal & Joanne were picked to be within the first four seasons that are part of the true core of the TAR Canada timeline. Thank god they weren’t wasted on season five and beyond.
2) Treena Ley & Tennille Dorrington
They made HI-STO-RY. Treena & Tennille were eager to be competitive and outrun cowboys on their feet, but sadly the game is a game is a game.
Six of the eight seasons feature absolutely legendary first boots. Treena & Tennille get to start this legendary trend. Sadly, they will be one-upped by our first boots in season two. I can’t wait to talk about that.
Although this was a tragedy for Treena & Tennille, this proved to be a comedy for the rest of us.
As I said before, I’m curious how much nerves and the overall excitement impaired their racing abilities on the first leg. They made a lot of mistakes. They failed to read clues and couldn’t find things in plain sight. On The Amazing Race, that’s a deadly combination to send you home instantaneously.
It was great their bond with Jamie & Pierre was showcased throughout the premiere. It felt like we were really saying goodbye to Jamie & Pierre rather than Treena & Tennille during this episode as both teams had their storylines come to an end here.
I can’t help but be amused Treena & Tennille couldn’t even win the foot race to their backpacks after their speed being emphasized in the intro. The last place team in the initial foot race was the one team they had to beat to the winery mat.
Treena & Tennille gladly recognize their place in HI-STO-RY and if a team is okay with being an answer to the most commonly asked trivia question, that holds more value than seeing some town in the Maritimes.
I don’t know how far Treena & Tennille would’ve gone in the race if not for the #ButterflyPenalty, but based on what we saw, you can’t help but feel that being an early boot was inevitable for them.
They provided a lot of entertainment in just one episode. And that’s ultimately all we can ask for as an audience. An audience is an audience is an audience.
3) Kristen Idiens & Darren Trapp
Kristen & Darren went home at the right time. They weren’t the most interesting team in the cast. In fact, they were the least interesting team in the cast after Jody & Cory. “The Malnourished Hippie Dating Couple” as Jet & Dave would label them.
They were one of the most capable teams in this cast. They won the first leg and botched the strategy of the Double Express Pass as badly as Jessica & John did which is entertaining.
Kristen & Darren were prone to silly mistakes like running instead of using the metro.
And then they were also prone to a massive mistake like being in a tie for last place heading into the final task of the episode with two teams. One of these teams has an Express Pass, and the team that didn’t would choose a different Detour task from them. Oh, and then not use their own Express Pass in the process too.
Kristen & Darren’s own rafting obsession clouded their judgment and sent them home in a very memorable fashion.
They would go home in a memorable way and become a piece of trivia as the first team to exit TAR Canada with an Express Pass in their pocket. Given Kristen & Darren’s personalities, going home via blunder was probably the best way for viewers to remember them long term.
Overall, they played their part in the season. If they made it any further, they would’ve occupied a spot in the cast that would have sacrificed a more entertaining team.
P.S. I went through Kristen & Darren’s social media. Darren’s dreadlocks are gone and I don’t see a single photo of them together on either of their social media. I doubt they are still together, but perhaps they just don’t take photos together.
4) Jamie Cumberland & Pierre Cadieux
Remember how I say some teams get really sensitive about being viewed as a team with minimal skills on TAR and interpret it as an attack on who they are as people? And then I have to remind fans and alumni that being called terrible racers doesn’t mean they are terrible human beings.
Jamie & Pierre should be contenders for some of the worst racers I’ve seen on TAR. I don’t know if they are the absolute worst, but it’s tough to picture any season of TAR where Jamie & Pierre could participate without being one of the first three or four boots.
They were supposed to go home first due to being slow runners but were saved by Treena & Tennille’s errors with reading comprehension. They switched Detours. They were lost frequently. They couldn’t excel at any strategic component.
However, they aren’t really fearful or outright refusing to do any tasks and aren’t injury prone. That’s why they aren’t in that bottom rung of worst performing teams ever.
I am glad Jamie & Pierre didn’t get humiliated in the second leg by arriving at the pit stop when it was dark while all other teams checked in during broad daylight hours. I am happy they were able to exit with some dignity. This leg ended up being closer thanks to Tim & Tim and Jet & Dave’s Detour screw-ups.
As people, Jamie & Pierre seem absolutely wonderful. Pierre being a fellow widow is something editors didn’t need to include this episode but I’m absolutely glad they did purely for my own selfish reasons. The way I have chased after continuing those life experiences this summer is similar to how Pierre chased after these experiences on TAR Canada. That’s a dude who is glad he did this show even if it meant being last to step on the mat both legs.
I hope those dudes are doing well.
Team Averages
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Below is a list of all teams from seasons I have blogged to date, ranked by racing average.
e.g. Don & Mary Jean finished 9th, 8th, 8th, 8th, and 8th. Add up the numbers and divide it by the number of legs they have played.
Therefore their average is 8.2.
Because of how long this list has become, I only show the relevant section where the eliminated team from this episode has fallen amongst the ranks of what TAR history has to offer.
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF, saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
6th Mel & Mike 3.57 TAR 14
5th Ethan & Khairie 3.56 TAR Asia 4
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56 TAR 6
3rd Ida & Tania 3.54 Saved by NEL twice TAR Asia 3
7th Kristen & Darren 3.50 Won Double Express Pass and Didn’t Use It TAR Canada 1 (Only 9 Teams Cast)
4th Joseph & Monica 3.50 – Yielded TAR 9
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46 TAR Asia 1
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46 – Used Yield and Yielded TAR 6
2nd Ronald & Christina 3.45 TAR 12
4th Zev & Justin 3.45 TAR 18
3rd Brendon & Rachel 3.42 U-Turned and Used U-Turn TAR 20
4th Nathan & Jennifer 3.40 – Never finished in 1st TAR 12
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 2
1st Chip & Kim 3.38 – Used Yield TAR 5
6th Steve & Allie 3.38 – TAR 16, and ain’t got no clothes.
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF TAR 1
1st Kisha & Jen 3.33 TAR 18
2nd Paul & Steve 3.33 U-Turned Twice and Used Yield TAR Australia 2
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
5th Holly & Brett 3.29 U-Turned Once TAR Canada 1 (Only 9 Teams Cast)
4th Matt & Tom 3.27 Saved by NEL once TAR Australia 1
4th Natalie & Nadiya 3.27 Saved by NEL once, FF used, and Express Pass used TAR 21
3rd Gary & Mallory 3.25 Saved by NEL once and Used Express Pass TAR 18
5th Terence & Sarah 3.25 TAR 13
2nd Jody & Cory 3.20 TAR Canada 1 (Only 9 Teams Cast)
1st TK & Rachel 3.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 12
4th Godlewski Family 3.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 8
3rd Trey & Lexi 3.17 TAR 21 Used U-Turn once TAR 21
3rd Jeff & Luke 3.17 TAR Australia 1
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17 – Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 10
— A- —
2nd Sam & Dan 3.17 U-Turned Pointlessly TAR 15
2nd Brook & Claire 3.17 U-Turned Once TAR 17
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17 TAR 10
3rd Weaver Family 3.15 – Yielded Twice, saved by NEL twice TAR 8
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF TAR 4
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 7
4th Toni & Dallas 3.10 Still in Russia TAR 13
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF TAR 3
2nd Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 3.09 Used Yield and U-Turn TAR Asia 3
4th Herb & Nate a.k.a. Flight Time & Big Easy 3.09 TAR 15. Znarf!
1st Nat & Kat 3.08 – FF and Used U-Turn Once TAR 17
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF TAR 10
4th Jet & Dave 3.00 TAR Canada 1 (Only 9 Teams Cast)
6th Hal Johnson & Joanne Mcleod 3.00 Used U-Turn Once and U-Turned Once TAR Canada 1 (Only 9 Teams Cast)
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00 – Yielded, Saved By NEL Once TAR 7
3rd Jill & Thomas 3.00 – Used U-Turn Once and Used Express Pass TAR 17
6th Azaria & Hendekea 3.00 – TAR 12
8th Dave & Connor 3.00 – 2nd Express Pass Recipient TAR 22
3rd Michelle & Jo 2.92 Yielded Once and Used U-Turn Twice TAR Australia 2
4th Hayden & Aaron 2.92 – Saved by NEL once TAR 6
2nd Dustin & Kandice All Stars 2.92 – Used Yield TAR 10
2nd Bransen Family 2.85 – Saved by NEL once TAR 8
1st Ernie & Cindy 2.83 – Used U-Turn Once and Express Pass TAR 19
5th Abbie & Ryan 2.78 – 2 Million Dollar Chance, U-Turned Once TAR 21
1st Linz Family 2.77 – Used Yield TAR 8
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