SIXTH EPISODE
Episode Blog #339: Scorpion King
FRENCH POLYNESIA (FRANCE) – NEW ZEALAND – INDONESIA – VIETNAM – BOTSWANA – SWITZERLAND – GERMANY – SCOTLAND – NORTHERN IRELAND – ENGLAND – UNITED STATES
The Facebook group I admin: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TAR247/
My Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/supacoowacky/
My Twitter: https://twitter.com/logsupacoowacky
The Podcast I Co-Host: https://rtvwarriors.podbean.com/
Meghan Camarena’s episode 6 vlog: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dd7oU8Iz_m4
Joey Graceffa’s episode 6 vlog: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_iyhw8kmOA
Previously on TAR: Eight teams raced from Bali to Hanoi, Vietnam. Father and son Dave & Connor made a difficult decision and said an emotional goodbye to the race because Dave was hurt or something. I think the conversation went something like this:
“I appreciated the mixed nuts caper, Dad. At least that’s original. I’m so mad at my dad for quitting I feel like swearing.”
“Oh, you wouldn’t do that, Connor.”
“Go fuck yourself, Phil!”
With the W-Turn in play, five teams hatched a plan targeting the remaining two teams in an alliance. Pam & Winnie followed through and won the leg. Joey & Meghan chose their own U-Turn targets but remained defiant on the mat. Chuck & Wynona struggled with the language barrier AND each other but still survived.
Seven teams remain; who will be eliminated next?
PREVIOUSLY ON TAR MENTIONS:
JESSICA & JOHN 4
DAVE & CONNOR 4
CHUCK & WYNONA 2
MAX & KATIE 1
MATT & DANIEL 1
CAROLINE & JENNIFER 1
BATES & ANTHONY 1
IDRIES & JAMIL 1
PAM & WINNIE 1
JOEY & MEGHAN 1
MONA & BETH 0
Phil introduces us to Hanoi.
“Atlas ain’t got nothing on me.”
Phil says Vietnam has a population of over 90, 000, 000 people. The capital city of Hanoi is the economic and cultural centre of the country. Take that, Ho Chi Minh City. The national history museum was once the French Consulate (or as Phil says, Consulelate) and is the start of the sixth leg of the race.
I bet CBS is VERY relieved that the national history museum was the pit stop instead of the B52 memorial site.
Pam & Winnie, who won the last leg of the race after Dave could no longer cope with his achilles going. . .
“POP POP!”
. . .will depart first at 10:40pm.
Pam & Winnie read they must go to the city of Maun in the Kalimari Desert.
Oh cool! Maybe they get to ride the cool red and black train!
Wait. That’s not the Kalimari Desert. Where’s the train? . . .Oh. Winnie said Kalahari Desert. My mistake.
Teams must figure out they must fly over 6, 000 miles across the Indian Ocean to the African nation of Botswana. When they touch down, they must find Mack Air and sign up for one of three flights that will then take them to the breathtaking Makgadikgadi Pans National Park on the edge of the Kalahari Desert. Once there, they will find their next clue.
I wonder if Maun has a high Jamaican population.
Mack Air was affected like all of the other airlines during the pandemic. I really appreciated their campaign to get passengers to fly with them again after the initial shutdown.
“It’s the Return of The Mack Air!”
“You said my airline credits would be valid for 18 months. You liiiiied to me.”
And if you’re thinking “Makgadikgadi Pans National Park sounds familiar” that’s because it is. It was the pit stop location in TAR 7.
It’s famous for Brian & Greg having the worst car crash in TAR history where they had to wait to make sure their camera operator didn’t die, Lynn & Alex waited with them for a while and were angry Rob & Amber didn’t wait with them to sacrifice their own race too, and the whole episode culminated with the sprint to the mat between Brian & Greg and Ray & Deana.
*This airstrip lounge is only available to Elite Status and Priority Pass cardholders.*
Pam & Winnie think they are getting into a rhythm, Pam hopes. They go into a hotel to access the Internet.
NOTE: Editors do an AWFUL job of explaining this initial task. Teams cannot enter the assigned travel agency to book their flight unless they can tell the security guard the country where Maun is located.
Pam & Winnie look up the town of Maun in the Kalahari Desert on a computer at a hotel. Google is their friend as it confirms Botswana as their destination country.
I bet that search took no more than a minute.
It also turned up Nicki Minaj lyrics.
“I’m a motherfucking Maunsta
Roll up in a Tonka
The colour of Willy Wonka
With a bad bitch that came from Sri Lanka”
Them???? Nah, just kidding. That line is actually about M.I.A. I’m not kidding.
PAM: We don’t want to get overly confident. We definitely want to keep our eyes out.
WINNIE: Yeah especially since we U-Turned Meghan & Joey. So they probably have it out for us.
PAM: It’s a race, so you know, then if they take it personally then that’s their own–
WINNIE: Then they’re stupid.
“And if they get U-Turned again and STILL take it personally, then they’re ultra super duper stupid.”
JOEY & MEGHAN’S FANS ON YOUTUBE: You’re stoooooopid.
Pam & Winnie are SO excited to go to Botswana.
Too excited.
Max & Katie depart second at 11:34pm. Pam & Winnie beat everybody by 54 minutes or more last round. Impressive.
“Fly to New York and find a Vietnamese restaurant. Go inside and brag you had pho in Hanoi in order to receive your next clue. Huh? That can’t be right.”
MAX: I don’t want people to think I’m carrying this whole thing along on my brainpower alone, but Big Hair Big Brain Katie she’s got it going on right now.
As a fellow Big Hair person, I can assure that is where the source of our powers resides. The rest of you “Normies” will never know what it’s like to be one of us and know what we’re capable of.
Max & Katie enter the same hotel and use the same computer Pam & Winnie used.
KATIE: Oh, someone else did it.
MAX: It was Pam & Winnie.
Nah, somebody else in Hanoi went into a hotel at eleven o’ clock at night to research the town of Maun in the Kalahari Desert. You’re too presumptuous!
KATIE: At this point I want to keep the fact I am smart and have a doctorate secret because it’s been working for us.
This has me curious. . .how has Katie been covering up her intellect?
Has she been studying Brent & Caite’s footage from TAR 16? Mix up the words ‘unanimous’ and ‘anonymous.’ Stumble when answering why Americans can’t read maps?
Or just watch any episode of TAR Canada 5. “A tightrope? What’s that?”
MAX: Pam & Winnie did the exact same thing as us. Pam & Winnie are pretty smart and we just verified we’re pretty smart too.
Yeah? Did you take an official online IQ Test and score really high at the hotel or something?
MAX: Big Hair Big Brain Big Hair Brain Big Hair Big Brain.
Sir Mix-A-Lot and Max couldn’t have more opposite preferences of what they like to be big in a woman.
Mona & Beth depart third at 11:37pm.
BETH: There are still three all-female teams in this race and people are starting to figure out that we’re strong at everything.
. . .Does anybody want to inform Beth how 44 combined seasons of TAR Canada, US, and Australia have played out over the past twenty years?
Because this 9.09 winning percentage is not good.
BETH: . . .That sounds really arrogant. We’re not strong at everything. We’re great at eeeeverything.
“We make all of the other teams look like droopy-eyed armless children during the race.”
“We’re even greater than Michael Phelps is at swimming.”
Beth explains the task to the viewers.
BETH: We have to figure out what country Maun is in or else the security guard won’t let us into the travel agency.
For some reason we had to wait until the third team to check out before we’re told what the task is right now.
Bates & Anthony depart in fourth place at 11:39pm.
BATES: We need to figure out what country Maun is in.
ANTHONY: I think it’s Kenya.
“When flying to Botswana, if somebody says ‘hey Maun’ we say ‘Hey Maun’ back!”
Close, but you’re way off.
But hey, at least you’re better at African geography than Shola & Doyin.
#SierraLeoneIsNotSouthAfrica
ANTHONY: At first coming into the race I thought he was going to be running the show telling me what to do. I think it’s been pretty even.
BATES: Mostly it’s the girls been telling us what to do. Caroline & Jennifer. They’re frickin’ amazing. 12s out of 10s. The more time we spend with them the better.
“Only 12s, boys?”
It’s too bad Bates & Anthony chose hockey over baseball because otherwise they could’ve been at third base by now. Unfortunately they’ll have to wait until the middle of the next “period” to make their “Power Play.”
Bates & Anthony have been in the middle or trailing over the past couple of rounds. Bates is eager to change that.
Struggling from legs through five have been Bates & Anthony’s best unintentional move to keep the targets off of their backs. If Bates & Anthony carried over their strong finishes from the first two rounds then I don’t think they would’ve had as many people protecting them from the Lowell W-Turn in the previous round.
I know John & Jessica’s antics worked in Bates & Anthony’s favour too, but being near the back has helped them too. Only Joey & Meghan have Bates & Anthony on their radar right now.
Caroline & Jennifer depart fifth at 11:46pm.
JENNIFER: Oh my gosh, we’re gonna go to Africa.
This is my annual reminder: Africa is not a country. Out of all of the continents TAR visits, it is the only continent that is consistently portrayed as being all the same.
Africa consists of the most countries of any continent in the world (fifty-four) and is the most diverse continent in the world.
JENNIFER: Our ideal Final Three is Bates & Anthony and Max & Katie.
CAROLINE: We know this is a race but we love our friendships too.
“Yay! Accidental friendships!”
CAROLINE: Jenn has a baby crush on Bates.
Truth be told I think both of them want to spend a night at the Bates Motel.
Who knew country singers were so fond of ice hockey players.
CAROLINE: We’ve been dying to go to Africa and we’re pretty confident that’s where we’re going.
JENNIFER: . . .Yeah. I mean, I think it’s in Kenya.
NOTE: Something tells me Kenya is Jennifer’s default guess whenever somebody asks Jennifer “Which African country can you find. . .?”
Pam & Winnie show up to the marked travel agency.
I wonder if the company was originally wanted to be named “Harpo” but Oprah Winfrey beat them to it.
He has never been to Botswana.
He has, however, visited Kevin Federline’s closet.
Pam & Winnie announce they are going to Botswana. The security guard confirms they are correct and lets them in.
If they were wrong, he would’ve tased them followed by a karate chop.
Pam & Winnie tell the travel agents, who have only let Pam & Winnie in because they said they are going to Botswana, that they need to fly to Botswana.
Something tells me if everyone is forced to go through the exact same travel agency and must tell them the correct country in advance that everyone will be on the same flight to Maun.
Pam & Winnie book a flight that departs at 10:45am.
WINNIE: Everyone would catch up with us.
No kidding.
Max & Katie are second to the travel agency. They also answer correctly.
KATIE (to the travel agents): Can we do the same thing that the girls did?
I don’t think they’ll have a choice.
Mona & Beth ask somebody on the street for a smart phone to research Maun.
Caroline & Jennifer are third to the travel agency.
CAROLINE: We think we are going to. . .
JENNIFER: Kenya!
AGENT: No!
Jennifer tries to sell it really hard with her smile.
“I’m not a country.”
“I know who I want to bring to the Final Three with us.”
“Did they use AskJeeves instead of Google?”
Jennifer hears Katie.
JENNIFER: Botswana!
“Did I say Kenya? I clearly meant Botswana.”
The security guard lets them pass.
I wish teams who have already completed a task weren’t allowed to essentially “go back” and give trailing teams the correct answer.
And it will become a MASSIVE problem down the road that Production will have no choice but to address.
CAROLINE: Thanks. We owe you guys.
“Please don’t touch us.”
Mona & Beth have somebody look it up on their smartphone. Botswana comes up.
You might be wondering “if they don’t even use the Kalahari Desert part of the clue, would they be given a different country?”
Botswana is the only country in the world that has a town named “Maun.”
I’m surprised Mona & Beth of all people want to go to Botswana as women there all suffer from “Maunopause” after they are done having kids.
Mona & Beth run over to the security guard and tell him Botswana too. They are granted access.
MAX: Good luck. Everybody relax. We’ve got time.
Even Max sees through the equalizer ploy. Mona & Beth and Joey & Meghan are going to catch up with the rest of the alliance so who gives af.
Bates & Anthony see Caroline & Jennifer are already inside of the travel agency.
ANTHONY: They already beat us here. You’ve got to be kidding me!
I thought you said they were 12s out of 10, Anthony? Or do only 13s out of 10 overtake your position to the first route marker?
Bates & Anthony go up to the security guard.
ANTHONY: Kenya?
SECURITY GUARD: No no no.
CAROLINE (casually strolls over and taps ANTHONY): Botswana.
ANTHONY: Botswana.
(SECURITY GUARD glares at CAROLINE.)
“Get your ass back inside. You’re ruining this for the viewers at home.”
I can’t figure out why both Bates & Anthony and Caroline & Jennifer assumed it was Kenya. I presume Bates & Anthony can’t name any other countries in Africa either.
Joey & Meghan depart sixth at 12:47am.
MEGHAN: Make your way to the city of Maun in the Colari Desert.
So close, Meghan. Colari Desert is a place where people get a colonoscopy. . .or suffer from cholera.
Joey & Meghan talk about how everyone is against them and that neither of them were popular in high school. Especially after Joey accidentally blocked in the other students’ cars in the student parking lot.
MEGHAN: They can U-Turn us all they want. We’re still gonna come back.
That’s a good point. If you keep U-Turning the same team over and over, they get to keep coming back in future seasons.
Chuck & Wynona depart in absolute fucking dead last at 3:26am–nearly five hours after Pam & Winnie, and 2 hours and 39 minutes behind Joey & Meghan.
Yay! We got to see departure times for all of the remaining teams! That wasn’t so hard now was it, editors?
WYNONA: Kalalahari Desert.
Eh, she did a better job than Meghan did.
Wynona says this is the third leg in a row her and Chuck are leaving the pit stop in last place.
Given what happened just one season prior, this isn’t exactly a death sentence anymore.
Chuck was shocked about being U-Turned because he feels they are one of the weaker teams. In other words, Chuck doesn’t understand what the correct strategy is for a team who gets U-Turned in the first U-Turn slot. The team who gets U-Turned first will always U-Turn the weakest team in the second slot to save themselves from elimination.
The only exception to this rule is if it’s the Natalie & Nadiya Strategy where two teams utilize the first slot to go after the strongest team and then waste the second slot on a team that has already gone past the W-Turn board.
CHUCK: I don’t feel we are ready to throw in a towel or get divorced or nothing yet, but I just feel we’re going to be in trouble.
That would’ve been one hell of a divorce hearing.
“So what is the reason for filing for divorce?”
“We struggled on three consecutive legs on The Amazing Race, and we forgot to carry a basket of chickens.”
Joey & Meghan are shown exiting the travel agency with tickets in hand declaring everyone will be on the same flight to Maun.
We’ll never know if Joey & Meghan guessed incorrectly.
NOTE: Yes, I did watch their episode 6 vlogs. Neither of them address how smoothly this task went. I assume that they just hopped on a computer at a hotel and found the answer within two seconds.
Chuck & Wynona don’t stop at a hotel or use somebody’s smartphone to research Maun. They go straight to the travel agency. The country bumpkin soundtrack plays.
CHUCK: Is Maun in Kenya?
SECURITY GUARD: No.
“Let’s hunker down and figure this out.”
WYNONA: Australia?
SECURITY GUARD: No.
“You’re wasting my time, little friend.”
WYNONA: Turkey?
SECURITY GUARD: No.
Oddly enough, Chuck has three dead turkeys stuffed and mounted on his bedroom walls.
WYNONA: Bangladesh?
SECURITY GUARD: I’m sorry, no.
WYNONA: Republic of Paraguay?
SECURITY GUARD: No!
CHUCK: Yemen?
SECURITY GUARD: No.
CHUCK: North Korea?
SECURITY GUARD: No.
CHUCK: Turkmenistan?
SECURITY GUARD: No.
CHUCK: Bougainville?
SECURITY GUARD: They are currently transitioning to being independent in 2027 as agreed upon after the 2019 referendum.
CHUCK: Kosovo?
SECURITY GUARD: No.
CHUCK: South Sudan?
SECURITY GUARD: That’d be cool as they got their independence just one year prior to filming of this season, but no.
CHUCK: Petoria?
SECURITY GUARD: That’s from Family Guy.
CHUCK: Limberwisk?
SECURITY GUARD: That’s from Geography Now.
CHUCK: Sovonthak? Patch Amberdash?
SECURITY GUARD: Geography Now have done a lot of fake country episodes as April Fool’s Jokes over the past five years.
CHUCK: Botswana?
“Yep, you’re correct. I’m going to go home and have a nap now.”
We cut to sunrise. Joey & Meghan are first to the airport. The other teams show up. Joey & Meghan talk about how it’s them and Mona & Beth against the other five teams left.
Joey & Meghan walk in on Max being engaged in a conversation with everyone who has Big Hair (but maybe not necessarily Big Brains).
Since the word is out Chuck & Wynona were U-Turned by Joey & Meghan, Joey & Meghan pull them aside.
“Heeeeeeeeeeey buddies. Wanna chat?”
JOEY: Sooooo–
WYNONA: Thanks.
JOEY: Yeah.
WYNONA: You’re the ones we thank?
JOEY: Yeah.
“Are we supposed to say ‘you’re welcome?'”
MEGHAN: Sorry.
JOEY: Yeah. Sorry.
MEGHAN: Someone U-Turned us. There’s no reason to.
WYNONA: So you pick us?
JOEY: Well we weren’t sure who was ahead us or who was behind us.
MEGHAN: We had gotten lost.
WYNONA: Innie-minnie-minie-mo, Chuck & Wynona got to go?
I like how Chuck & Wynona aren’t even mad–they’re just trying to give Joey & Meghan a really hard time.
WYNONA: I’ve got my eyes on you.
You’re on the Shit List, Joey & Meghan. Tread carefully.
MEGHAN: I know you guys already hate us.
Chuck talks about how he has sore feelings towards Joey & Meghan.
We cut to teams sitting in a circle. Now it’s Joey & Meghan’s turn to confront Pam & Winnie.
JOEY: What was the prize you stole from us?
PAM (unenthusiastically): Whistler, Canada.
“If anything, we took one for the team by claiming that prize. We’re probably going to donate the trip to GKTW.”
PAM: You guys are like always so fast.
JOEY: Really???
PAM: Consider it a compliment we U-Turned you.
JOEY: I did take it as a compliment.
RON HOWARD: But he didn’t take it as a compliment, and it wasn’t a compliment.
Joey & Meghan seem like the Lowell W-Turn events were pre-meditated.
MEGHAN: They should be very afraid of what’s coming.
“We’re going to blackmail CBS to bring us, Jet & Cord, and Flight Time & Big Easy back in less than a year. If Pam & Winnie punish us, then we’re going to punish EVERYONE as retaliation.
Chuck says he needs to be on the first charter flight. He can’t afford to be on the third flight and fears he won’t be able to catch up.
All of the teams board the same Cathay Pacific plane. Obviously this means they’ll be flying to Botswana via Hong Kong.
This will be the longest flight path of the season.
The crosswalk is ten feet away! God! That goat is so fucking lazy. What makes you so special, man?
Amazingly enough, his field of vision isn’t obscured enough to prevent him from seeing and waving at the camera.
Is this where I’m supposed to make an ass pun?
“I need a chiropractor!!!!”
The teams scramble across the street to the Mack Travel Agency.
For it being a village in Botswana, I didn’t expect to see so many White people. I suppose anybody who wants to go to the national park as a tourist has to fly to Maun.
I mean, they’re certainly not locals.
Caroline & Jennifer and Bates & Anthony run to the Mack Air office together and sign up for the first flight together. No one else will be on the plane.
Alone together on a plane?
I think four more CBS contestants will join T-Bird in the Mile High Club.
Max & Katie and Joey & Meghan are on the second flight.
Mona & Beth, Chuck & Wynona, and Pam & Winnie sign up for the final flight. Chuck & Wynona are freaking out because of how much faster everyone else has been since the start of the race.
FIRST FLIGHT (9:00AM)
CAROLINE & JENNIFER
BATES & ANTHONY
SECOND FLIGHT (9:15AM)
MAX & KATIE
JOEY & MEGHAN
THIRD FLIGHT (9:30AM)
MONA & BETH
CHUCK & WYNONA
PAM & WINNIE
“Things haven’t been working out in Paraguay so far.”
The first flight prepares to leave.
JENNIFER: We’re about to board an African safari flight. So exciting!
CAROLINE: Eeeeeeeeeeek.
That plane is even smaller than the Pacific Coastal Airlines planes.
ANTHONY: The Fab Four are back again. We’re gonna be on a plane together. Tight quarters and maybe hold hands. A little romantic.
“Please be referring to Caroline & Jennifer’s hands and not mine.”
The first flight takes off.
And away these fuckers go.
During the flight, teams are treated to a free bottle of the local beverage–Maunster energy drink.
ANTHONY: I don’t like this plane at all.
CAROLINE: Are you nervous?
“Is this your first time?”
BATES: That’s why we wanted to be on your flight we knew you’d take care of us.
In other news, not all young bubbly blonde women don’t automatically make for good flight attendants.
They see some elephants down below.
Here in Phuket, sadly I see elephants on chains and have a bench placed on top of their backs designed for people to ride. I nearly cried when I saw that. Here in Botswana I feel very relieved to see elephants roam free without a care in the world.
CAROLINE & JENNIFER (looking right into the camera): We saw elephants!
If somebody told me we’d be seeing some trunks on a flight carrying Caroline & Jennifer and Bates & Anthony, I wouldn’t have counted on it being elephants’ trunks that we’d see.
The second flight takes off at 9:15am carrying Joey & Meghan and Max & Katie.
Joey is absolutely terrified. I don’t know if it’s because Max & Katie are seated behind him instead of in front of him. Just because Max is Italian doesn’t mean he is going to use a garrote on Joey from behind.
“Much like Luca Brasi, Joey Graceffa sleeps with the fishes.”
Joey says he is freaking out about it being the smallest plane he’s ever been in. I have ridden in small planes with people who have a fear of flying and have never seen that expression on somebody’s face before.
“If we see elephants in a zoo back in New York after the race is over, we can go up to all of the zookeepers and say “your elephants suck! I saw -wild- elephants in Botswana!”
KATIE: When we were on with Meghan & Joey, and it would’ve been much more enjoyable if another team was on with us. We could’ve enjoyed the safari airplane better.
MAX: Anybody else.
“We would’ve rather been on that plane with Chris Kirkpatrick of N*SYNC and The Noid. We’d Avoid The Graceffa before we’d Avoid The Noid.”
I used to work in a pharmacy for six years with a couple who was quite similar to Max & Katie, and people like Joey & Meghan are the types of people they’d have a tough time getting along with or at least have a very difficult time relating to. I’m sure both teams are enjoying the flight but I’m sure both teams are thinking “man, could it have been with any other team in the race?”
I doubt Max & Katie and Joey & Meghan have anything in common other than being contestants on season twenty-two of The Amazing Race.
We cut to the final flight.
CHUCK: This is where Lion King was made right here.
Oh. Oh Chuck.
Beth loses it in front of them.
That’s right. Cartoons aren’t actually filmed on location. Sorry to break it to Chuck, but we’re going to need to quickly point out a couple of other things to him:
The Prince of Egypt wasn’t actually filmed in Ancient Egypt. The parting of the Red Sea is all made from cartoonists who drew this into the movie.
The Aristocats wasn’t filmed in France nor can these kittens nor Thomas O’ Malley the Alley Cat actually talk.
Sorry Chuck.
As for whether this park in Botswana served as the inspiration for Lion King locations?
Namibia.
Djibouti-Ethiopia border.
And the rest are Kenya.
I’ve seen worse geographical mistakes on The Amazing Race before.
PAM: You guys know that was a cartoon, right?
I should note it’d be six years before the live action version came out.
Pam & Winnie are not a fan of turbulence.
This is one small plane you won’t have to skydive out of.
“Why did I drop acid right before take-off, Weird Al?”
Chuck & Wynona are not encouraged by their chances of survival because they’re at the back with “great runners” Pam & Winnie and Mona & Beth. I think Mona & Beth are great runners if they can use roller skates.
The first flight lands. Caroline & Jennifer are first to the basket of clues.
I repeat: Caroline & Jennifer are first.
We get to see the full clue. Phil doesn’t jump in here to give more details. Teams must find their vehicles in the airport “parking lot.” They must then drive down Old Xhumaga Road.
Old Xhumaga Road is named after the pro wrestler Umaga who was originally born here in Botswana.
Also, let’s take a look at the airport parking lot.
There is a clear lack of security here. Where are the gates? Where’s the short term parking? Where’s the long term parking? They don’t have any toll booths set up here either.
Bates waves to the locals in the back of the truck.
BATES: Hey guys!
“Do you want my autograph? I played in the NHL.”
“You played for the N-H-What now?”
Something tells me ice hockey hasn’t caught on in the middle of rural Botswana.
The second plane prepares to land. Joey closes his eyes.
By the time he opens his eyes he’ll have ten new subscribers to his YouTube channel.
Joey & Meghan are third to the clue. Max & Katie are fourth.
Pick up the pace, Max. At this rate even Chuck & Wynona will outrun you.
Max & Katie and Joey & Meghan are in their cars. Hopefully Max & Katie don’t get lost because they drive down Old Xhumaga Station Road instead of Old Xhumaga Road.
“Dammit, Katie.”
BATES: The Girls are hanging tight with us. Can’t complain about that.
How tight?
Around the corner emerges a group of local men.
Hi-ho
Hi-ho
It’s off to work we go!
BATES: It looks like we’ve got a little some’n some’n.
I really hope the teams don’t pick up these bottles thinking the intention isn’t to urinate in them while they drive so they don’t have to stop for a bathroom break during this leg.
The locals now have to decide whether to join Bates & Anthony’s alliance or the remnants of Jessica & John’s alliance. Everyone has to choose sides this season!
BATES: Uh oh! I think we got too much clothes on.
PRODUCTION: Anthony, next round you’ll see at least one person wearing nothing but a bandana.
ANTHONY: Oh my god! It must be Jennifer! I knew she liked me.
(BATES & ANTHONY drive up to see the locals twelve hours later.)
ANTHONY: Ahhhhhh, fuck.
Caroline is giddy when she sees the locals.
We get a close-up of Caroline’s hands when she takes the clue from the jar.
CAROLINE: If you hold it, I’ll pull it.
They are tugging as hard as they can.
Bates reads the clue. It’s a Roadblock.
ROADBLOCK HINT: Who wants a new friend?
“Is the new friend a man or a chick? Because if the former, then not it, bro.”
BATES: It’s me. I like making new friends all the time.
Awwwww. Even with me?
PHIL: The Kalahari Bushmen are the earliest inhabitants of Southern Africa. Having survived here for tens of thousands of years. This Roadblock gives teams the opportunity to learn a skill from these indigenous people when they go in search of a bushman’s best friend. . .a scorpion.
PHIL: First, they will be led to a new scorpion home where they will be taught how to dig out one of these poisonous creatures. The bushman will carefully place it in a jar and lead the teams to a nearby stump where they can pick up their next clue.
The Kalahari Bushmen wear very minimal clothing. Ironically enough, the only part of their body you can’t see is in fact their bush.
The tables have turned. Rather than Scorpion saying “get over here!” it is in fact the Kalahari bushmen saying “Get over here!” to the scorpions. What a role reversal!
The Kalahari Bushmen’s best friend is a scorpion. Who is Phil Keoghan’s best friend?
It turns out to be Tom Ryan–the brother of Lucy Lawless who Phil happened to attend elementary and high school with back in New Zealand. Neither one of them is terribly fond of scorpions.
I am sure Phil Keoghan emphasized the word “carefully” to the Kalahari Bushman multiple times.
Phil grabs the clue as if he’s afraid there will be a scorpion on it.
Bates sees the lineup of trios of Kalahari Bushmen.
It’s like a lineup of boy bands right after they audition for America’s Got Talent. Or in this case Makgadikgadi’s Got Talent.
BATES: Who is good? You good?
You can look at somebody’s physique to see who might be more fit for certain activities. However, I don’t know how you can look at a group of three dudes and see who will be the fastest and most careful at digging up a scorpion and putting it into a jar.
Except people with large ears. People with large ears are REALLY good at digging up scorpions.
Bates runs with his Boy Band to a nearby pile of dirt.
Bates fits right in with them. You can’t tell Bates apart from the bushmen at all!
Caroline is doing the Roadblock. She picks the trio who are waaay cutest. Nah, just kidding. She picks the trio nearest to her.
Despite spending several years in the music biz, Caroline had to fly all the way to Botswana before getting her very first entourage.
BATES: I am running through the middle of Africa. Just running. Not even looking for lions. Doesn’t even cross your mind at this point.
#AfricaIsNotACountry
Botswana is not the middle of Africa.
In fact, Middle Africa (a.k.a. Central Africa) has a fairly generous definition which goes from Chad to Angola. Get your fucking geographical facts straight, Bates.
That was pure amateur hour, Bates. Pure amateur hour.
One of the bushmen stops and points at something. Bates screams. The bushman quickly shrugs off what he is pointing at and keeps moving on.
BATES: Quit scaring me!
“What’s that? Oh, that’s nothing. It’s just a highly poisonous snake. Let’s keep moving, guys!”
The bushmen are leading Caroline. They quickly stop and all of them crouch.
“What could be more dangerous than a highly poisonous scorpion?”
What is that?
“Ah! It’s James Bond hunting the most dangerous sport of all!”
Nah, just kidding.
It’s a lion!!! Or as Chuck would say, it’s a Mufasa.
The bushmen quickly ditch Caroline without giving her any advice. She is the sacrifice so they can get away.
CAROLINE: Do you want me to climb up in the tree with you?
BUSHMEN: . . .
CAROLINE: Wow! You can climb! Good job! Don’t be scared.
Man. The bushman went all-in on the Tremors strategy of finding the highest point possible near him to ensure his survival.
“So, do we play rock-paper-scissors to see which one of us gets eaten by the lion?”
The lion walks away and the bushman climbs down from the tree.
“That was a really dangerous situation. Phew! Now let’s take her to dig up a highly poisonous and potentially fatal scorpion!”
We get a shot of the wide open landscape and landing strip.
The final flight lands. Mona & Beth are fifth to the clue. Chuck & Wynona are sixth. Pam & Winnie are last. They all follow each other on the only road.
Joey & Meghan and Max & Katie show up to the Roadblock. Joey & Meghan very loudly react to the jars. I am sure Max & Katie are mildly annoyed.
MEGHAN: Who wants to make a new friend?
JOEY: Oh, I’ll do it.
Joey eyes up a trio of Batswana who could be future subscribers to his channel. Joey has been eager to break into the rural Botswana market.
NOTE: Yes, a person from Botswana is called a Motswana and when you’re talking about more than one person from Botswana you call them Batswana. I looked it up on Wikipedia. And you know what they say about Wikipedia:
Thanks, Michael Scott.
Max & Katie look over at their possible new friends.
“‘Who -wants- to make a new friend?’ Fuck. That applies to neither of us. We can’t stand the friends we fucking have now. You wanna draw lots or something?”
Max reluctantly agrees to do the Roadblock.
Joey of course is petrified of scorpions.
JOEY (fake crying): Why did I choose this one?!
Choosing between the alliance of Joey & Meghan/Jessica & John/Mona & Beth vs. Bates & Anthony/Max & Katie/Caroline & Jennifer/Pam & Winnie has gotten as heated as choosing between the Crips and the Blood. If Joey complains any more within the earshot of Max & Katie, I would not be surprised if they opt to put a cap in Joey’s YouTubin’ ass.
Max chooses his crew of Kalahari Bushmen. So does Joey.
JOEY: I choose you guys!
“I choose you, Kalahari Bushmen!”
They’re not fucking Pokemon, Joey.
Katie unenthusiastically tells Max not to get stung.
Bates is armed with a stick and an empty jar. Who does he think he is?
Link from the Legend of Zelda?
They find a hole.
Instead of a Manhole, would they call it a Maunhole?
BATES: He’s just gonna dig right with his bare hands.
“I would’ve loaned him my hockey mitts if he asked.”
Bates is instructed to dig. Elsewhere, Caroline is given a “digging stick” to use.
CAROLINE: I’m from Texas, so we’re used to scorpions.
CAROLINE: In fact, I banged two men who were brothers who played for the San Antonio Scorpions during my gap year after college.”
Caroline is then told to use her hands to dig. She hesitates and recoils her hand a couple times fearing it’s going to run out and sting her.
MAX: This is incredible. These guys don’t have day jobs. They weren’t actors. They were the real deal. They were just talking and talking and I was like ‘I just gotta enjoy myself a little bit.’
“If you guys are talking about me, I’m kicking your ass.”
MAX (whispering amongst the Kalahari Bushmen): Did you see who won the Bills game? I didn’t either.
You’re more likely to see an actual buffalo out here, man.
We cut to Joey.
JOEY: OHHHHHHH MY GOD. I HAVE TO TOUCH IT! I HAVE TO FREAKIN TOUCH IT! OH MY GOSH (insert fake crying here.) I don’t wannaaaa.
Somebody with audio editing savvy should edit the ‘Touch It’ remix with this soundbyte.
Bates’ trio has found a scorpion.
The scorpion tries running back into its hole.
The scorpion was looking for a pick-me-up, but did not think its request would be interpreted in such a literal manner.
BATES: It’s angry. . .oh, he’s snapping his finger!
This is one of the few truly shocking and unexpected moments I’ve seen contestants go through in a long time. Twenty-two seasons into this thing and Production still finds a way to surprise contestants.
BATES: He’s playing with it. It’s child’s play for them.
Bates is thankful his parents enrolled him in ice hockey as a kid rather than scorpion digging.
Bates is invited to grab the scorpion.
BATES: Is it gonna pinch me? Oh, it’s not that bad.
Bates can handle the pinch of a scorpion than the sniveling of John Erck.
BATES: I don’t mind being pinched.
ANTHONY: By the Country Singers.
Where have the country singers pinched him? On his penis?
The scorpion is inside the jar.
BATES: Look at that guy. He is not happy, but I am.
“I don’t know who is unhappier–this scorpion or Mark Jackson of Mark & Bopper from TAR 20.”
Caroline is digging and digging but can’t find a scorpion.
“I hope the scorpion doesn’t pinch me the same way I pinch Bates.”
What’s the deal with that cross in the picture? Is there a dead body buried here too?
Max is digging up a scorpion. He is wearing a glove because he anticipated he’d have to grab something gross and nasty.
“If Max was unable to wear a glove that fit, he must, uh, quit. . .this task.”
Joey is digging with a stick.
My knees are in pain right now just from seeing Joey squat that low. I cannot do that.
THE TRIO: Start digging with your hands.
JOEY: With my hands?!?! I’m twenty-one years old! I don’t want to die.
Mona agrees to do the Roadblock because Beth did the last one. One of the Kalahari Bushmen sneezes.
MONA: Oh, bless you!
“Remember to cover your mouth with your arm when you sneeze, guys.”
I’m surprised Mona didn’t pull out a Kleenex and ask the sneezer to blow his nose into her Kleenex right then.
Bates obtains the clue.
BATES: Yeah! Great success!
Very nice!
For the second time this episode, Phil does not explain where teams must go. Bates & Anthony read they must take the three Kalahari Bushmen for a ride down Old Xhumaga Road.
I wonder if they wear these clothes when posing for their driver’s license.
“Hey, can you guys stop crowding in front of us so we can read the clue too?”
Who knew the episode where teams are forced to become coyotes in a human trafficking scheme would be far less controversial than the Vietnam episode.
The American public is weird.
Oh, settle down Art & JJ. It’s just a joke. This leg didn’t even take place along the U.S.-Mexico border. Relax.
Bates is amused that the three Kalahari Bushmen are asking them to drive faster.
“Quick! We need to get to the bar so I can get a table for karaoke bingo night!”
Meanwhile, Caroline’s crew successfully digs up a scorpion.
CAROLINE: Ahhhh.
“Oh muh werd.”
“Dammit, I’m trying to play a Bob Dylan song on this harmonica but no notes are coming out.”
“Dammit, my dentures aren’t properly fitting into my mouth for some reason.”
“Hey Tambourine Man, play a song for me. . .”
“Dammit, this doesn’t feel like the same brand of dental floss I normally use.”
You know it must be something really unusual for Western people when even Caroline of all people is repulsed by an oral technique.
CAROLINE: He put it in his mouth and then he’s sucking on it putting it to sleep.
Note to self: She does not intend to pinch Bates this way.
“Sorry guys, still can’t find the right note on my harmonica.”
Man. Digging a scorpion out of the dirt with your bare hands, having somebody else’s saliva all over the scorpion, then placing it directly on another person’s hand violates every sanitation practice we’ve been taught in 2020 and 2021.
Caroline wastes no time putting it into the jar.
Chuck & Wynona are sixth to the Roadblock. Wynona outruns both Pam and Winnie. Pam & Winnie are last.
Given Wynona’s ankle injury, it is truly impressive she repeatedly outruns Pam & Winnie.
Wynona and Pam are going to do the Roadblock. Chuck has done five and Wynona hasn’t done one since the mandatory Roadblock in the first round.
PAM: I hate bugs.
(WINNIE twitches in disgust.)
“Yuck.”
Wynona and Pam both pick their trios of Kalahari Bushmen.
“There was a lion here earlier? Don’t tell my husband. He has always wanted to do taxidermy on one and mount it on our kitchen wall.”
CAROLINE (reading the clue): Take your three bushmen for a ride.
CAROLINE: “Take your three bushmen for a ride.” Oh, that’ll be easy, Jenn!
JENNIFER: Read the rest of the clue.
CAROLINE: “Take your three bushmen for a ride. . .your car.” Oh, nevermind.
Mona starts digging for a scorpion. Joey keeps digging. He asks for a glove.
MAX: I wore a nice bright shirt. Hopefully it’ll bring me some luck, but I might be scaring the scorpion away.
Pam and Wynona walk in their groups.
“I can barely stand touching people. Will I have to touch this scorpion?”
WYNONA: I have to get a scorpion and in this jar, but I’m at their mercy to find one. I can’t even understand them. (very weird and quiet change in audio and doesn’t even sound like WYNONA’s voice): I am nervous.
What the hell happened to Wynona’s microphone?
Mona sees one of the bushmen put the scorpion in his mouth.
“Didn’t his mom ever teach him ‘if you don’t know what it is, don’t put it in your mouth?'”
MONA: I have never seen a scorpion live before. This is kinda cool and I was petrified of scorpions ten minutes ago.
It’s like putting a bee in a jar.
Joey is shown digging then Max once more.
MAX: Finesse. A little bit of finesse.
Max digs up a scorpion with the aforementioned finesse.
Max wasn’t mentally prepared for this.
MAX: Ohhhhh ooooh god.
Max swallows harder than one of the country singers.
MAX: Oh man that scared the hell out of me. Oh man, I gotta do this?
His will to participate is right up there with Mika Combs.
When the man played the scorpion harmonica Max. . .
. . .jizzed in his pants.
He hasn’t reacted like that since the time he watched a horror film. As he recalls it was a horror film.
MAX: I think my mouth was wide open then I thought “better close this mouth before this dude sticks it in my mouth.”
Max’s mouth is Full Kirby right now.
Rawlings gets free advertising on TAR. TAR is usually pretty good about blurring any American branding.
We cut to Pam and Wynona digging.
Pam’s balance is ridiculous.
Wynona is frustrated because the instructions from the Kalahari Bushmen aren’t in English.
WYNONA: I don’t understand what they’re saying. Where’s it at?! More?
It’s a good thing Wynona is not a hunter like Chuck.
Beth sees Mona.
BETH: Mona, you are a stud!
Mainly because Mona is surrounded by three dudes around her. I’ve always been annoyed by the idea that women can’t be hailed as studs. She’s a freakin roller derby brawler surrounded by an entourage of dudes. That’s a stud.
Mona & Beth complete the Roadblock in third. Max & Katie complete the Roadblock in fourth.
Mona & Beth put the Kalahari Bushmen into the back of their soccer mom van. The Roller Derby Moms have become the Soccer Moms.
I’m sure Gina & Sylvia would’ve hashtagged that team name if Twitter was around during TAR 3.
“Dammit Greg, I want the window seat! I swear I get carsick!”
MONA: We’re the five best friends anyone could ever have.
I was not expecting the team nicknamed the “Roller Derby Moms” to be the team that quotes The Hangover this season.
Max tells Katie about how he jumped “like a girl” and screamed because one of the dudes put the scorpion in his mouth. That’s Max’s Room 101 if this were 1984, apparently.
“When I saw that video of Americans putting ketchup on all of their favourite foods, I jumped like a little girl and screamed.”
Meghan is puzzled how Mona & Beth and Max & Katie left the Roadblock before Joey has finished. Winnie doesn’t seem to give less of a fuck about Meghan’s complaint.
“Huh? Who’s talking?”
“Oh. Nevermind. It’s just Meghan.”
Joey somehow has less of a reaction than Max did. That’s a first. Having one TAR contestant visibly jizz in their pants/shorts on screen is bad enough as it is.
JOEY: I have to touch that thing?
JOEY: Do I have to touch that thing?
KALAHARI BUSHMAN: Yes.
JOEY: -That- thing?
KALAHARI BUSHMAN: Yes.
JOEY: -That- thiiiiing?
Heh. Just kidding. It’s been about thirty minutes that Meghan has been waiting for her friend.
JOEY: No no no. I don’t wanna die.
Somebody dying on The Amazing Race is the desperate ratings boost CBS needs for this series!
CBS’ plan failed despite casting Mel White -twice.- Joey shall be the sacrificial lamb/scorpion here.
The cliffhanger going into the commercial break was if YouTube star Joey Graceffa was going to die in Botswana during his appearance on The Amazing Race. It’d make the Vietnam B-52 Controversy look like child’s play.
We return from the commercial break.
That’s right, Joey. They clean the scorpions with their tongues.
“That’s just like how the lions clean each other in The Lion King!”
Very good, Chuck.
I should note I did Google “how to clean a scorpion” and “how to clean a scorpion’s body” but all of the links talked about how either scorpions clean themselves or how to clean a scorpion enclosure.
We’ll just have to assume the Kalahari Bushmen are the experts on this subject.
JOEY: Please don’t let it kill me. Oh my–ohmygod. Please don’t let it pinch me. Ohmygodohmygod its pinchers. I can feel its pinchers.
Feel free to caption this.
We get even better facial reactions when the scorpion touches Joey’s hand.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
We cut to Bates & Anthony driving their car.
BATES: We’ve got three Bushmen in the back. These are my boys.
“You’re Ari, you’re Johnny Chase, and you can be Turtle. Perfect.”
BATES: Sing a song? La-la-laaaa.
THE ENTOURAGE: We can’t understand you.
BATES: They don’t know that song.
“Did he just sing the Hockey Night in Canada song?”
“No, it’s Rock and Roll Part Two.”
“No, both of you are wrong. It’s We Are The Champions.”
Bates & Anthony see the clue box. The entourage are released.
I really wish Production would’ve put scorpions inside of that clue box.
They open the clue and it’s a Detour. Unfortunately we don’t get to see the clue clearly written.
I’d love to find a way to contact these Kalahari Bushmen and get their perspective on this episode.
They must choose between Fire or Fowl. Phil says this Detour gives teams the opportunity to learn some of the hunting and gathering skills of the proud bushmen.
I like the effort put into these Detour signs.
FIRE
Teams are required to walk with the bushmen to a nearby campsite and figure out how to make fire using two sticks, zebra manure, and some grass. Once they have a flame, they must light the elder bushman’s pipe to receive their next clue.
If Natalie & Nadiya were cast for this season instead of the previous one, Natalie would’ve had practice making fire. She then would’ve been brave enough to take on Tony at the Final Four of Winners At War, beat him in the firemaking challenge, and then win Winners At War.
Phil Keoghan does not condone smoking.
FOWL
Teams are required to go hunting with the bushmen by setting a trap to catch a Guinea Fowl. First they must figure out how to construct this clever device using sticks and string. Then acting like a Guinea Fowl they must trigger this trap to receive their next clue.
Speaking of Guinea, there are FOUR countries with the word Guinea in its name, but yet not a single one of these Guineas has been visited in any version of TAR through 70+ seasons.
Equatorial Guinea, Papua New Guinea, Guinea, and Guinea-Bissau have been snubbed for over twenty years. Equatorial Guinea is super interesting because it is the only Hispanophone country in Africa and is super rich, Guinea-Bissau has a huge amount of coastline for such a tiny continental country, Papua New Guinea is arguably the most linguistically diverse country on the planet, and Guinea. . .well, they’ve got an interesting cluster of recent events. If you Google Alpha Conde, you’ll see what I mean.
I wonder if Phil has ever been to a Guinea.
The Ice Hockey players choose Fire.
If this were Pokemon, that’d be a terrible decision.
Anthony reads the additional info. The bushmen will teach them a series of animal calls and signals.
BATES: Hopefully this isn’t the rhino mating call.
To be fair, rhinos don’t require a mating call. After all they are always “horny.”
We get a random shot of a baboon. A baboon stole my girlfriend’s water bottle a couple of weeks ago and fled up a tree with it. Don’t believe me?
Not environmentally friendly.
Caroline & Jennifer are driving three Kalahari Bushmen who are laughing at them.
JENNIFER (to the three dudes): I like the laughing.
CAROLINE: They are talking about us.
JENNIFER: Probably.
They may not be using the rhino mating call, but I think they’ll attempt the country singer mating call.
Caroline & Jennifer also choose Fire and imitate the poses and noises.
That’s not a mating call! That dude is just flexing!
We cut to Joey who is running like he just broke the tape at the end of a marathon.
All that’s missing is the theme music from Chariots of Fire.
Joey reads to take the three bushmen for a ride.
JOEY: I am a Scorpion King Hunter.
The three Kalahari Bushmen shoot him down right away.
It’s tough to figure out who is a more believable Scorpion King.
Wynona thinks her scorpion was buried a lot deeper than some of the other teams.
I think Wynona is right. That hole looks pretty deep.
Wynona gets grilled by the bushmen on her digging technique.
When Wynona completes this task, we’re going to see a pile of half a dozen dead scorpions. Ironically enough, the graves used to bury the scorpions will be from the very holes that Wynona dug in the process of killing them.
WYNONA: They say I’ll kill it the way I’m stabbing it.
Best she channels her frustration in stabbing scorpions rather than stabbing Chuck, though.
We cut to the Fire Detour.
The villagers practice so they can do the Double Dutch despite being colonized by the British.
The Zebra Sticks look a lot like chocolate sticks sold here in Southeast Asia.
Bates & Anthony say they cannot start the Detour until they watch the demonstration through to completion. Anthony points out they start out by using elephant dung.
“Elephant dung is very interesting!”
Thanks, Gillian.
So they use elephant dung on top of dried grass. Bates notes they’ll be working up a sweat.
BATES: The huge factor is just having great elephant poo.
Yeah, remember to get GREAT elephant poo when starting a fire with dried grass and rubbing zebra sticks. Don’t settle for that literal cheap shit you find at Wal-Mart or Superstore.
BATES: You got to put it right on there and BOOM, it makes an ember. You’ve got fire.
ANTHONY: Oh, that’s an Amber!”
Yes, we’ve got Amber.
Bates notes how quickly they got the fire. Anthony is now rubbing sticks together. Bates & Anthony try to double team it.
Speaking of Double Team, Caroline & Jennifer show up.
BATES: Honestly when Caroline & Jennifer showed up, we were a little worried because you kinda needed some strength but you also needed a little finesse. You go too quick it bounces out and you got to start the whole thing over.
That’s right. Caroline & Jennifer have absolutely no idea how to keep something hard in place without it falling out using some strength and finesse to rub it. They’re going to be completely hopeless at this.
Caroline & Jennifer compliment the physical appearance of the women around them.
I think you guys should be watching the demonstration.
Caroline says she has tried making fire before and it was hard.
I bet The Duke would’ve made fire by now.
We cut to Mona & Beth’s Soccer Mom van. They are amused by this. We cut to Max & Katie’s van.
Can you guess which team is enjoying the company of the Kalahari Bushmen more right now?
KATIE: The fragrance of Botswana.
MAX: It’s a beautiful country but it’s the real deal. The real smell.
This is the sequel to Shana & Jennifer’s “Welcome to the Salon d’Afrique” quote during the Burkina Faso train ride in TAR 12.
I wonder if Katie knew this quote was going to air on TV after she said it.
Max & Katie are third to the Detour. They choose Fire. Mona & Beth are fourth to the Detour. They choose Fire too.
The only two teams Max & Katie have hung out with since entering Botswana has been the very two teams they are aligned against in this season.
Mona & Beth are shown the animal calls.
Years of having kids enrolled in elementary school doing the Chicken Dance has prepared them well.
Katie talks about how much they stink. Has she worked in a pharmacy? Do you know how many smelly customers you get in a day? And if I recall correctly, teams haven’t had a chance to shower since the pit start. I doubt Max & Katie and the other teams are smelling a whole lot better than the Kalahari Bushmen right now. It’s not exactly a shampoo commercial right now.
Chuck and Winnie are stuck alone together at the Roadblock.
CHUCK: It’s a Battle of the Girls out there.
VIEWERS ON TWITTER: They’re women!!! Not girls!
OTHER VIEWERS ON TWITTER: Who cares what Chuck calls them? What’s next? We can’t say ‘guys’ anymore on Survivor?
Nah, I’m just kidding.
However, Chuck & Wynona did have some haters on Twitter at the time. I dunno why, but the “WhineNona” nickname never caught on.
Apparently Pam is more of a threat to the scorpions than Wynona is. The scorpion is dug out by the #KalahariBushmen.
PAM: It’s so gross and scary. I’m totally freaked out. It looks like an alien.
Pam is ready to take off.
PAM (confessional): When he first pulled out the scorpion I was like “good god! I want to run away so fast and so hard right now.”
Oddly enough, it’s the same reaction she has whenever she is around John & Jessica.
PAM: I’m not really sure what’s happening right now, but I’ve heard I don’t have to do that thing.
You mean teams don’t have to suck on a scorpion while their eyes roll into the back of their head? Imagine if Charla & Mirna had to do that or Flo & Zach? I’d pay to see that.
The scorpion is placed on Pam’s hand. She asks what to do.
Just chill. It’s only a highly poisonous scorpion hanging out on your wrist.
Pam says it was one of the scariest things she has ever done. Wynona screams as the scorpion is pulled out.
WYNONA: Am I going to die if this thing bites me?
Only one way to find out. That should’ve been the Fast Forward option!
Wynona is not shown touching the scorpion. It goes straight into the jar. I’ll have to message her on Facebook to see if she had to touch the scorpion at the Roadblock.
Pam & Winnie take off with their bushmen. Chuck sees Wynona and the crew.
CHUCK: Sonofabitch! She just jackpotted us.
Jackpot is not a verb, Chuck. They would’ve been screwed if it was one of those “teach the rural community some English words” as a Detour or Roadblock on this leg.
Chuck & Wynona are once again in dead last for the fourth episode in a row.
“Do you know if there’s a Wal-Mart nearby where we can pull over and get a two litre of 7Up?”
We cut back to the Fire Detour. Bates & Anthony successfully make Fire.
It wasn’t a fire that was high enough and strong enough to burn through that rope, but on TAR this fire shall suffice.
Somebody needs to introduce that dude to vaping.
PSA: Kids, please don’t interpret this thumbs up from beloved NHL star Bates Battaglia as an endorsement from smoking. Don’t smoke. It could kill ya.
At least Bates didn’t give the thumbs up to Wiz Khalifa smoking a joint on TV.
Oh c’mon, Bates! Now all of the aspiring young hockey players are going to smoke pipes and marijuana. Dammit, man!
The Elder Kalahari Bushman presents the clue for Bates & Anthony.
No body fat on that dude. He’s all muscle.
Bates & Anthony read they must take their three Bushmen and go to the next pit stop with them–Kwena Safari Camp.
PHIL: Like the Bushmen, teams must continue making their way on foot to the bluff overlooking the Bo Teddy River. This spectacular safari camp–Meno a Kwena, is the pit stop for this leg of the race. The last team to check in here may be eliminated.
Who is Bo Teddy? Was he a childhood of Bates & Anthony’s that they played road hockey with in the neighbourhood growing up?
Huh. Apparently he’s a European journalist. Well I’ll be damned.
Oh, thanks Wikipedia for making me feel like a dumbass. It’s Boteti River. Not Bo Teddy.
So do the bushmen sleep with the teams too?
Caroline & Jennifer call out to Bates & Anthony for advice.
JENNIFER: Is there a trick?
“There’s no trick, Jennifer. It’s an ILLUSION! A trick is what a whore does for money!”
ANTHONY: Go down and when she gets to the bottom you start at the top.
JENNIFER: ok, bai.
ANTHONY: We tried to help them with the fire but they were just going really really slow. I think they have to switch to the fowl.
“Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also weak arms.”
I dunno if this was an animal call or an armpit check to make sure the deodorant is being effective.
Mona & Beth show up to Fire. So do Max & Katie.
Joey & Meghan talk about the Kalahari Bushmen.
JOEY: These are my new friends.
MEGHAN: Did you add them on Facebook already?
JOEY: Yeah. I’ll tweet you.
It’s amazing how much social media leaps from TAR 1 to TAR 22. However, it’s equally amazing to see how little social media has changed from TAR 22 to present day. This season was filmed in early 2013. YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook all dominate the social media landscape. Snapchat briefly invaded around 2016 but has drastically declined in popularity. The only major additions we’re going to see are Instagram and Tik Tok.
Joey & Meghan are fifth to the Detour. They choose Fire. It’s 5-0 for choosing Fire.
We cut to the pit stop already.
“See those five people yet? They don’t know this yet but they’ll be permanent teammates for the rest of the season.”
Here’s a question: Would Production have given a time credit if one of the three Kalahari Bushmen just couldn’t keep up very well to the point it was clear they are slowing Bates & Anthony down? If the last two teams to the pit stop are in a foot race, that could royally fuck over another team. I would not envy whoever would have to sort out that situation.
“Please don’t tell people this nature reserve has nothing to do with The Lion King–it negatively impacts our tourism.”
PHIL: You’re breathing hard but I do have some good news for you–you’re team number one!
FIRST PLACE: BATES & ANTHONY
After two rounds of not performing as well as they normally do, Bates & Anthony led this round the second they touched down in Botswana.
I should note Anthony can’t stop wincing. He has a classic case of sweat mixed with sunscreen in his eyeballs.
Phil informs them they have won a trip to–I can’t believe this–Phuket, Thailand.
That’s where Jee-an and I have been for nearly two months now, beeyotches!!!!
Phil informs them they’ll spend five nights at an exclusive poolside villa at the Sri Panwa Resort.
As someone who has freakin’ lived here for the past eight weeks, that is quite the secluded spot. North of the resort is where you find Phuket City and the west side of the island is where you find more of the tourists and families hanging around. I’m going to guess even one night at a hotel like that is going to be very very expensive.
I think Bates will be the one taking the trip.
Anthony talks about how it feels nice to be in first place again after being stuck at the bottom for a couple rounds.
BATES: We’ve learned a lot in these six legs.
ANTHONY: WI think we’re just getting stronger.
BATES: At least our body odour is.
So it wasn’t an animal call.
“Good game, good game, good game.”
Joey & Meghan enter the village.
JOEY: Jump rope! I wish that was a challenge!
TAR 27, my friend.
Do you remember at school when you had the option to choose between taking Jump Rope or taking Smoking during PE class?
Caroline & Jennifer, Mona & Beth, Max & Katie, and Joey & Meghan are all trying to make a fire. Beth says the Kalahari Bushmen only took thirty seconds to make fire.
Teams are lucky to get this done in thirty minutes or less.
MAX: I’m in cigar sales so I’m around pipes and cigars all day, but I like using a nice lighter when I light a thing. I usually don’t have to figure out how to light a fire with stick and poo.
If Monkey Poo Coffee is the most highly sought after coffee on the planet, why not Elephant Poo lighted cigars?
Joey & Meghan are struggling just like everyone else.
We cut to Pam & Winnie driving.
PAM: I like we’re smuggling Bushmen.
It’s a long way to the U.S.-Mexico border, guys. That’s a long time for the Bushmen to go without any food or water.
Pam & Winnie laugh over the human trafficking joke.
“Human trafficking is no joke. It affects millions of families every year.”
Oh, c’mon Art & JJ. Lighten up!
We get to see the full clue.
Pam & Winnie are the first team to deviate and choose Fowl.
WINNIE: We knew that making fire from scratch is really hard because we watch a lot of TV so we’re really well-prepared.
Pam & Winnie start imitating the sounds.
PAM & WINNIE: Rrrrrrat-a-tat-a-tat. I sound like a machine gun.
Pam & Winnie channel their Inner Imanuelle from Wie is de Mol.
PAM: It’s like Sesame Street on crack.
If Sesame Street was on crack, every episode would be a day in the life of Mr. Noodle and Bert.
How do you think Oscar the Grouch lost his house and all of his money then was forced to move into a garbage can outside of an apartment building?
Chuck & Wynona are last to the Detour.
CHUCK: We’ll catch dinner! We’ll fowl!
Once again, fowl is not a verb.
Although in TAR 28 we do have a team who are fowlers.
Chuck & Wynona talk about how Chuck’s favourite thing to do is hunt. He likes to do anything related to a hunt.
Helen Hunt is his favourite film actress.
His favourite adventure series is The Amazing Hunt based out of Vancouver.
CHUCK: I like to hunt, fish, and get away from the noise.
Sadly the animals cannot get away from The Chuck.
By the end of this episode, the Guinea Fowl will be declared an endangered species.
We get the rare 4-way split screen as everyone is equally fucking up the Fire task.
No one here is going to be known as The Fire Guy.
JENNIFER: We wouldn’t do well if we lived out in the wild.
CAROLINE: We’d die. We’d be dead.
Surprisingly, singing country music isn’t a very useful wilderness survival tactic.
Mona & Beth realize they chose the wrong task. Mona has a blister on her hands.
The elders are suffering from nicotine withdrawals because of how long they’re waiting to light their pipes.
Meghan wants to switch. Joey doesn’t.
We get to see the teams spread out on the dirt.
Pam & Winnie continue copying the animal calls.
Pam & Winnie kick up some dirt like a rhino waiting to charge.
WINNIE: So when we get to the site where we actually have to build the snare. We watch them build their snare, they pretty much built a trap over the egg so that when you reach for the egg it would ensnare your neck if you were the fowl.
Somebody said they wanted as much coverage of Pam & Winnie. There you go. I transcribed an entire lengthy confessional explaining Fowl.
No harm no. . .er, no harm many many fowls.
Pam & Winnie start creating a snare. They spot Chuck & Wynona.
This triggers one of Pam & Winnie’s most savage confessionals.
Chuck is excited for a task for once.
WINNIE: We were nervous to see Chuck & Wynona there because Chuck probably makes these in his spare time. Like, brushes his teeth. Makes a snare. Then rinses and checks whatever he catches.
“He probably goes into the bathroom, touches himself thinking what he hopes to catch in his snare, cleans himself up, then goes to check the snare.”
Caroline & Jennifer give up and switch. Joey & Meghan immediately follow suit. So do Mona & Beth.
The two teams Max & Katie aren’t aligned with have switched Detours. Max & Katie finally don’t have to be around people they don’t like. Max & Katie have two options:
a) Stick with a task that three out of the other four teams have deemed impossible, but they do get peace and quiet in the process.
b) Switch to the other task with everyone else, but they’re stuck doing the other task with people they don’t like.
“Yeah, let’s just try and do this task and hope we never have to do a task with Joey & Meghan ever again.”
NOTE FOR CHUCK: That isn’t the “real” Pumbaa from The Lion King. Ernie Sabella and Seth Rogen aren’t around to provide voices.
Watching everyone squat so low makes me feel like an eighty year old man with arthritic knees. Jesus.
I doubt Chuck even needed to watch the demonstration for Fowl.
Chuck gives more insight into his hunting lifestyle.
CHUCK: Setting a snare? I’ve actually done that before in my life. In high school I didn’t really have a job. I got up every morning. Set traps. Caught the animals. Cashed them in at the fur exchange. It’s just kinda the way I grew up–
WYNONA: I didn’t know that about him.
Chuck was smart enough not to include that in his bio on Tinder.
Pam & Winnie finish constructing the snare. One of the three Bushmen triggers his own trap. Pam & Winnie are still making machine gun sounds.
“Ahhhhh we’re having a fire sale.”
“Ahhhh we’re having a fire sale too.”
Pam & Winnie jump up from sixth to second just by choosing the correct Detour task. They likely watched Survivor: Cook Islands and see how firemaking can go terribly terribly wrong.
Max & Katie wonder if they should switch as Katie criticizes Max’s technique. It’s not going well.
Max & Katie decide to switch after the commercial break. Max thinks he can beat teams at “whatever it is.” Whatever it is is just Fowl.
Mona & Beth, Joey & Meghan, and Caroline & Jennifer are at Fowl.
Pam & Winnie check in to the mat.
WINNIE: Lay it on us, Phil.
Phil lays it on them–they are indeed second place.
SECOND PLACE: PAM & WINNIE
Pam & Winnie are on a run of 2nd-1st-2nd. There are very very few all-female teams in TAR US who have gone on a run like that. If Bates & Anthony had a little less muscle, Pam & Winnie would’ve won their second leg in a row.
How these two were never brought back for TAR 24 is beyond me.
PHIL: That’s not bad at all. And you got to run it with your friends here.
“We’ll go clubbing with them after the finale.”
PAM: I feel one with them.
We cut back to Fowl. Chuck & Wynona complete the Detour in third place. Wow. They certainly do have a rabbit’s foot to keep evading elimination like this. I bet Chuck hunted for the rabbit and amputated its foot himself.
Wynona is caught in the snare.
CHUCK: Re-coo-coo!
Chuck does his best to imitate the sounds. I think Re-Coo-Coo was one of the countries he guessed back at the travel agency.
Caroline & Jennifer screw up the snare and trigger it.
Caroline gets snared right in the eye.
It probably doesn’t hurt as bad as a watermelon, though.
Mona & Beth get ready to set the snare.
Beth dodges getting hit in the eye.
Joey & Meghan think this is better for them.
JOEY: My dad is a carpenter so it runs in the blood.
Yeah, lots of carpenters who paint houses also build snares to catch Guinea fowls.
Meghan’s dad was a carpenter too.
Max & Katie try to not dwell on being in last place. Katie tells Max to calm down.
Max may or may not be tense due to the idea of being beaten by Mona & Beth, Joey & Meghan, Caroline & Jennifer, AND Chuck & Wynona today.
Chuck & Wynona walk onto the mat.
I can’t believe this is happening again.
CHUCK: Phil, good news, please.
PHIL: I do have some good news for you. Veronica Mars has been renewed for another season, a new cancer cure has been discovered, AND the three Kalahari Bushmen will become permanent teammates in addition to Hans Moleman.
PHIL: And might I add, Mr. Moleman does taste like a peanut. You can enjoy that after the race.
PHIL: How about three?
CHUCK: We’ll take it.
Well, it is their best finish by two positions out of all six legs.
PHIL: It looks like you’re picking up your game. You should be very proud of her, right?
THIRD PLACE: CHUCK & WYNONA
Chuck talks about how he is proud of Wynona and shocked to beat these younger teams. Phil could be a dick here and point out a very linear leg with a highly imbalanced Detour is the only reason Chuck & Wynona avoided being dead last, but he lets Chuck & Wynona have this small victory.
What happened to the third Kalahari Bushman? Did he get caught in one of Chuck’s snares and no one noticed?
Joey says he built the snare faster than the other teams. Meghan has to trigger the snare.
“Ah!”
Caroline & Jennifer complete building the snare. Caroline doesn’t even pretend to be caught.
“Put clue here, please.”
Joey & Meghan check in to the pit stop.
FOURTH PLACE: JOEY & MEGHAN
This is what happens when no U-Turns are involved.
Joey asks for high fives.
Once again, we only see two Kalahari Bushmen. I wonder if one pretends to be caught by the snare and doesn’t follow everyone to the pit stop? That’d be quite the commitment to the role right there.
No mat chat for Joey & Meghan.
Max & Katie give the thumbs up to test out their snare. Max triggers it with his finger.
Nope, they actually done fucked it up again. Max says the judges changed their mind and said the snare isn’t quite “popping” the way the judges expected it to.
Caroline & Jennifer check into the pit stop.
PHIL: Hey. Look at you guys, huh?
Easy, Phil.
FIFTH PLACE: CAROLINE & JENNIFER
They’re happy with fifth.
PHIL: Do you think they’re pretty?
I’m hoping Phil doesn’t ask me that if I am the pit stop greeter for TAR All Stars 4 when they come through Kelowna. I would be gritting my teeth together hesitating and saying “welllll, White blonde women have never known to be my type. We can be really good friends though! My BFFs Kim, Krystina, and Karissa are White blonde women and we get on splendid!”
CAROLINE: You and me?
PHIL: Do you think they’re pretty? Do you want to have her live here?
What the hell just happened? Did Caroline & Jennifer just become the property of the Kalahari Bushmen? Is this a group marriage? My anthropology professors would have a field day with this one. What’s the dowry going to be? Three cows for Caroline and seven Guinea fowls and a goat for Jennifer?
CAROLINE: You know, we just found us some boyfriends.
Wow. I have just three words for Bates & Anthony:
“You blew it!!!!”
PHIL: You said you were looking for love.
CAROLINE: We found it.
Sadly, Phil has been more successful here than in TAR 26 when the entire freakin’ season was based around trying to help teams find love.
Mona & Beth have released the snare and are on their way to the pit stop.
“Fuck.”
Since the pit stop is very easy to get to and the Kalahari Bushmen lead the way. . .
Gaaaaaaaaaaame overrrrrrrrrrrrr for Max & Katie. They better be praying for a NEL.
Max & Katie know they’re last. Max is nervous.
Mona & Beth are following a marked path to the pit stop.
MONA: You sure we don’t drive?
BETH: We should drive!
“Great idea, guys!”
BETH: C’mon. That’d be dumb to walk. Let’s see if the other cars are there.
MONA: Oh god Beth, this could be a bad choice.
Mona & Beth check the cars in the “parking lot.”
The Kalahari Bushmen are so confused. One of them even points in the opposite direction behind Mona & Beth’s backs.
Mona & Beth are getting lost and disoriented here in Makgadikgadi Pans. Given that they did three tasks here this episode, perhaps it could inspire a movie called Makgadikgadi Pans Labyrinth.
Mona & Beth see all of the cars are still in the parking lot. They realize there’s no way they can drive there and turn around to run again. They do a far better job of Heather & Eve at knowing something isn’t right. Heather & Eve said “huh, it’s weird no other teams are in cabs and we made it all the way to the pit stop in first.”
Mona & Beth get some extra exercise in.
Max & Katie open the clue in dead last.
The clue itself states teams will be accompanied by only two of the bushmen. I guess one just didn’t feel like running.
Maybe that guy was wearing dress shoes instead of proper running shoes or forgot his orthotics too.
Editors try to build up suspense in this alleged foot race. Beth lost her knee. Dunno how that is possible.
MONA: You birthed three kids. You can run.
I have never birthed any kids myself, but based upon my limited knowledge I am not aware of any instances where a kid was born because a woman ran for ten kilometres and just fell out along the way. I had to watch a video of Ricki Lake doing a waterbirth in university, and that whole process has traumatized me for life. That was a fairly stationary procedure.
Mona & Beth obviously beat them to the mat. Mona does a skip and a hop onto the mat.
Hippity hoppity!
SIXTH PLACE: MONA & BETH
Beth is having the same issues as Anthony. Maybe the sun is shining directly into the face of anyone who stands right there too?
Phil says they’re still in it. Beth repeats him. Man, Mona & Beth are underedited.
Phil doesn’t try to hook up Mona & Beth with the Kalahari Bushmen awkwardly like he did with Caroline & Jennifer.
We see Max & Katie running towards the mat.
PHIL: Up the stairs here, guys.
We didn’t see anybody including Max & Katie run up any stairs. Maybe there was a bottle of water Phil left behind and wanted Max & Katie to grab it for him?
Max & Katie step onto the mat.
LAST PLACE: MAX & KATIE
MAX: This is sickening.
That’s not sickening. You know what’s sickening?
The Sex and the City reboot “And Just Like That.” It has an audience score of 29 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. Just watch one episode. Now -that’s- sickening.
MAX: It’s not the feeling I wanted.
I know the feeling Max wanted.
The feeling Max wants looks something similar to this.
PHIL: I do have some good news, though. This is a Non-Elimination Leg.
This is the most subdued NEL reaction I’ve seen in a long time–perhaps since the times when teams were able to foresee a NEL. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say Joey & Meghan would have a MUCH bigger reaction than Max & Katie if saved by a NEL.
“OHMYGOSHMYGOSHWERESAVEDMEGHANWERESAVEDOHMYGOSHOHMYPIKACHUCHARMANDERSQUIRTLEMISTYBROCKOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHTHANKYOUPHILTHANKYOUPHILOHGODOHGODHGOD.”
But instead we get that reaction from Max & Katie.
“Thanks, guys.”
“‘preciate it. Appreciate it. Thanks. Thanks.”
Phil asks if Max & Katie are up to the Speed Bump.
It depends if the Speed Bump involves making a fire.
MAX: Today we made the stupid mistake. Tomorrow somebody else makes the stupid mistake. Just can’t let it be us again.
KATIE: The honeymoon is continuing in Africa.
MAX: Yeah. That tent’s gonna be rockin’.
Well, uh, people who compete in pro sports don’t engage in sexual intercourse prior to a big day of competition. Clearly Max & Katie do not believe in that philosophy.
FUN FACT #1: This is the very first TAR episode to end with a team claiming they will engage in sexual intercourse later that night.
FUN FACT #2: Whichever team slept in the tent next to them assumed Max was moaning really loud and breathing heavy because he found another scorpion in this tent. It wasn’t until this episode aired several months later that it was actually his vinegar strokes. I’m sure they regretted watching the final five seconds of this episode.
FUN FACT #3: There was an unaired task this episode. When teams were still in Hanoi, they went to Hair of the Dog Bar. Once there, they had to find a dancer to receive their next clue. Apparently scorpions are more exciting than dancers so this task was never shown on TV. It’s This is the first time in quite a while where the Wikipedia source for an unaired task isn’t one of my TAR interviews on RTV Warriors.
Next Time on TAR Mentions: Chuck & Wynona are up a creek and it all comes down to donkeys.
DAVE & CONNOR 3
JESSICA & JOHN 1
CAROLINE & JENNIFER 1
CHUCK & WYNONA 1
CONFESSIONAL COUNT
CHUCK/WYNONA 9/11
BATES/ANTHONY 11/7
MONA/BETH 2/4
MAX/KATIE 12/8
PAM/WINNIE 9/9
JOEY/MEGHAN 6/5
CAROLINE/JENNIFER 10/5
Rank the Legs
1) Windwhistle, New Zealand -> Uluwatu, Bali, Indonesia
It was funny to see teams experience culture shock in Bali given ninety percent of the population are expats, digital nomads, and young tourists. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been spoiled by Bora Bora and New Zealand for three rounds.
There was another awesome flight scramble this leg. Teams even improved upon their flight during a layover. Classic TAR right there.
Seeing Jessica & John and Bates & Anthony battling for last for most of the leg was a great change of pace after three rounds. Chuck & Wynona are on the verge of being dead last once again but barely survive as one of the bigger underdogs in a while.
Pam & Winnie getting featured as the leading team was a great opportunity to see more of them. It’s funny they and everyone else ultimately lost this leg to a guy on crutches who couldn’t do the Detour nor the Roadblock. Connor shows off his TAR prowess and defeats Winnie in a battle of wits.
I am disappointed the Roadblock and pit stop were at the same location, and was also disappointed the Surfing Capital of the World goes the route of “find a picture of something you encountered” rather than any actual surfing.
The Detour was culturally relevant to Bali. It was difficult enough for a team to swap Detours out of frustration. Both tasks involved women putting heavy things on their head.
We also got an extra culturally relevant task that Jessica & John did that wasn’t even part of the show.
And of course, everything I said above is overshadowed by Jessica & John being the only team in TAR history to not use their Express Pass. They achieved this in the most bizarre fashion that left every viewer baffled, and scratching their head as to what the hell they just watched.
All of this culminated with Phil staring at the camera in the final two seconds of the episode, and utter an “oy vey” to the viewers at home showing he was as confused as the rest of us.
To this day the “oy vey” moment is still referenced.
It was great to revisit this episode eight years to see if it stood the test of time.
It certainly has. It’s in the running for the longest blog I have ever done.
P.S. If you ever wanted to see Workaholics do an episode based on The Amazing Race, John’s journey is exactly how it would play out. John is Anders. He goes from being stuck as a telemarketer. He uses his brains and hard work to get out of his shitty position. He achieves his goals and has power over other people, and it gets to his head he starts to piss everyone off. Then the overconfidence and pride leads to him crashing and burning within just a week.
2) Uluwatu, Bali, Indonesia -> Hanoi, Vietnam
This was a roller coaster of an episode. It has a lot of great elements that Production never intended to have happen. It stirs up controversy, a fan favourite team quits thus rescuing an underdog team, and a W-Turn which heats up the rivalry between two factions.
Pam & Winnie and Chuck & Wynona both delivered some great content here. Pam & Winnie burned so many teams here, and you could make an argument she is the most aggressive team within the alliance of Pam & Winnie, Max & Katie, Bates & Anthony, and Caroline & Jennifer. Wynona uses the camera really when frustrated with Chuck.
The Roadblock, controversy aside, was a decent task. I think another layer could’ve been added to the Roadblock to create a larger gap between teams. However, it was entertaining and showed how close Joey & Meghan and Mona & Beth really are. Joey & Meghan likely lost the chance to overtake Pam & Winnie because of it.
The Detour was fine. Using live pieces to create a Chinese Chess board makes for amusing interactions with locals. Especially when Caroline & Jennifer have to figure it out on their own. The pho task proved to be a big obstacle for teams as there was a big language barrier. Do you take the basket of chickens? Do you trust the local who speaks English to obtain the correct weight for you? Do you know how to cook pho? Chuck & Wynona felt the stress of the task.
The final kick at the end where viewers likely forgot Dave & Connor were medically removed from the race therefore saving Chuck & Wynona from certain elimination for the third round in a row is an amusing ending.
3) Motu Piti A’au, Bora Bora, French Polynesia -> Windwhistle, New Zealand
This leg did its best to balance the melodrama of Dave & Connor but also the absurd comedy of Jessica & John and the other teams. It is arguably the most focus put on one team while the other eight teams are in the background. Especially Mona & Beth who get absolutely shut down from having any meaningful content other than being adopted by Jessica & John.
One of the most underrated comedic scenes ever, Jessica & John and Dave & Connor think they are sneaky with the Express Pass handoff but it was in plain sight of Bates & Anthony who were -right there-. This triggered a lot of alliances. On one side, Jessica & John, Joey & Meghan, and Mona & Beth aligned against Bates & Anthony.
Bates & Anthony countered by rounding up Caroline & Jennifer and later Max & Katie.
As for Chuck & Wynona, Dave & Connor, and Pam & Winnie? They weren’t recruited. Pam & Winnie love their solo path, Dave’s injury is assumed to be terminal within the context of the race, and Chuck & Wynona aren’t seen as valuable allies.
It was great to see scrambles for flights. I love a good flight scramble. It’s my favourite part of an era gone by.
I also like a good self-drive leg. That’s the great part about legs in first world countries that aren’t densely populated. Production feels safe enough providing teams with vehicles.
This was also a really long leg. I miss the long filming schedules. It allowed for all of the dynamics between teams to evolve.
The Detour had a fun driving task and. . .fishing. Luckily only two teams tried fishing. It didn’t make for the most riveting television. Thank goodness we had Chuck & Wynona doing that task to make it entertaining.
There was a lack of explanation as to why teams shuffled getting back from the Detour, but Dave’s injury occupied a lot of airtime.
The Shemozzle Roadblock was a genuinely fun task to balance the dark comedic nature of Dave’s injury. John was doing John things, Winnie was doing Winnie things, and Anthony nearly did a Lyoto Machida-esque kick to Jennifer’s face in the manure pool.
Also, there were dogs showcased this episode. I like dogs.
4) Los Angeles, California, USA (yet again) -> Motu Piti A’au, Bora Bora, French Polynesia, France
This was one of the best season premieres for TAR in a while. Perhaps since TAR 17 or TAR 12.
We get the extremely rare South Pacific visit to kick off the season. Although Bora Bora is a ridiculously small area to host the first leg, Production found three things for them to do to make it a proper leg. Skydiving out of a helicopter, digging up a clue amongst hundreds of sandcastles under the brutal sun, and an outrigger canoe race that had some amusing visuals.
There wasn’t really any navigational issues or cultural barriers here as this is one of those rare legs to take place entirely within a resort island. Using this location for two legs was definitely excessive.
We had self-driving to sign up for flights which was great. We got to see teams interact much more than we usually do in premieres at this time. Everyone was utilized properly, particularly the absurdity of John of Jessica & John. It’s interesting to reflect on how popular Dave & Connor were after the premiere, but how often they bring down the mood of a very fun atmosphere. I think editors could’ve given Dave & Connor more fun footage.
The ending for this episode is what everyone remembers. Having three teams agree to give up on a task to roll the dice on a last second sprint to the pit stop was very memorable. The team you expect to survive is the one who goes home and it’s not even close. The heavily underestimated Caroline & Jennifer make it through, antisocial Max & Katie break through after being the ones who propose the plan, and other underdogs highlighted this episode such as Mona & Beth and Chuck & Wynona also make it through.
If this were an earlier season, Max & Katie and Caroline & Jennifer would’ve definitely gone home as the next two teams due to a lack of equalizers. However, they played the TAR structure that we’ve come to know by twenty-two seasons.
The Double Express Pass twist was very interesting at the time. It really only needed to be used for this season, and this was the correct season for the twist to be used. I remember celebrating when Jessica & John got the Double Express Pass because I thought John was absurd before the season even began and made the Workaholics connection instantaneously. You could tell the minimal power the twist offers went to his head. Idries & Jamil and the rest of The First Five offer a convenient way to make the twist uneventful, but Jessica & John are contemplating how to botch it the second they hit the mat. It really sets up the first third of the season quite well as everyone speculates if Jessica & John are going to honour the deal and give it to Dave & Connor.
Overall, a very entertaining premiere and insight to what TAR looks like if an entire episode took place on a resort.
5) Hanoi, Vietnam -> Makgadikgadi Pans National Park, Botswana
Yay! Departure times are shown!
Nay! A very specific repeated location!
Nah, I won’t do that for the whole write-up. Although we won’t see any more legs on the African continent until TAR 25 after this Botswana visit, it is annoying that most of this leg took place during TAR’s only other Botswana visit–Makgadikgadi Pans. I understand a nature reserve in southern Africa, but it would have been great to see an alternative location in Botswana.
There was an unaired task with a dancer. I wish we could’ve seen it instead of an extended look into Guinea fowl snares, unsuccessfully rubbing sticks together, and scorpions.
It was a very linear leg once teams landed from Maun, Botswana. No one got lost despite it being a self-drive leg. The only time the leaderboard truly shifted was when teams caught on the Fire task was too hard and switched over to Fowl.
We got insight into how strong Bates & Anthony are as they were the only team to make fire and cruised to an easy victory this leg.
The idea of having the initial task be “Fly to the city of Maun in a country you must figure out” was a creative idea, but with terrible execution. Everyone was allowed to use smartphones, laptops, or just keep supplying random guesses until they were allowed to book on the same equalizer flight as everyone else.
The lion sighting was a cool moment and everyone’s varied reactions to the scorpion. Also, Pam & Winnie’s confessional about Chuck was hilarious.
6) Motu Toopua, Bora Bora, French Polynesia, France -> Motu Tapu, Bora Bora, French Polynesia, France
From pit start to pit stop was a grand total of 6.5 kilometres. This leg is as linear as it gets on TAR.
Wait for water taxis. Take a water taxi to a chapel without any navigation. Grab your gear. Return to water taxi which you don’t have to navigate to the Detour location. Unless you’re gonna drown, everyone can finish either Detour task within minutes of each other. Ride jet skis on a small map to a nearby island where you’ll be so close to the other teams nearly everyone can follow each other there. Use stilts to kick a coconut 35 yards. Run about one hundred feet to the pit stop.
I bet you everyone finished this leg before noon except Idries & Jamil and -maybe- Pam & Winnie.
The big storyline was if Max & Katie or Caroline & Jennifer were going to win the showdown over taking the Roadblock penalty in the previous episode. However, it didn’t matter as neither team finished in the bottom two. Instead Pam & Winnie struggled a little navigating on the jet ski and at the Roadblock, and Idries & Jamil made a colossal error “diving” for pearls.
Because of how linear and uneventful the leg itself was, a lot of airtime was put on Jessica & John’s refusal to give up the Express Pass this round to Dave & Connor. Dave & Connor are commented on by nearly every team for being so strong. This built up to the highlight of the episode (and really the highlight for TAR over the next three seasons) where Dave ruptures his achilles tendon.
Pam & Winnie refusing to give up and finishing in ninth place is a footnote. Max & Katie and Caroline & Jennifer overcoming their 105 minute deficit is a footnote too. And I bet by episode three everyone has forgotten about Idries & Jamil because of Dave’s achilles injury.
To quote the review of Pokemon Sapphire & Ruby, this indeed did have too much water for the second leg in a row.
Granted I do see -why- Production wanted two legs in Bora Bora because they doubted they would ever have the budget to reach the South Pacific ever again. Fast forward eight seasons later and this is still the only South Pacific visit.
So I’m fine with having two legs in French Polynesia if this is we’re all ever gonna get in our lifetimes.
Thesupacoowackiestblogintheuniverse's Blog 
This episode is an even starker example than last season’s in Spain of how a bad leg cannot save good teams, and both it as well as the following Emmy-loser show that Botswana’s sole merit on TAR is knocking out a certain co-ed team.