The Amazing Race 21 Episode 1 Rankings: Balls and Tubes

THE AMAZING RACE 21

INTRODUCTION AND FIRST EPISODE

EPISODE BLOG #322: BALLS AND TUBES

CHINA – INDONESIA – BANGLADESH – TURKEY – RUSSIA – NETHERLANDS – SPAIN – FRANCE – UNITED STATES

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BRIEF INTRODUCTION (FEEL FREE TO SKIP AHEAD TO THE FIRST EPISODE)

The Amazing Race 21 entered a global pandemic: The Amazing Race Overload.

TAR Ukraine’s only season was filming next year. TAR Norge’s final season and TAR France’s only season was airing simultaneously. TAR Australia 2, TAR Vietnam 1, TAR Latino America 4, Hamerotz LaMillion 2, TAR Philippines 1 and TAR Asia’s spin-off franchise China Rush 3 had all just aired weeks or months earlier. TAR Canada has the green light and began pre-production.

There was only ONE inactive franchise on the whole planet: TAR Brazil which had only one season in 2008. You could also argue TAR Asia was inactive if you don’t count China Rush as its spin-off because it will show up four years later to do a fifth season on a much smaller budget but be so damn good before riding off into the sunset once more.

Fast forward to today where the only officially active franchises are TAR US, TAR Australia, and TAR Canada.

If you’re reading this, this blog post was written in March of 2021 and the pandemic is expected to end in four months from now (or at least the heavy restrictions part of it). The only franchise to film during COVID since the pandemic began in December of 2019 is TAR Australia 5 which aired the most bizarre season in the twenty year history of TAR.

Many of the franchises I have listed in the second paragraph have been cancelled or put on hiatus since 2013 or 2014 with no signs of coming back. Unfortunately, you missed out on TAR’s global popularity.

To very briefly put into perspective how much TAR’s popularity has decreased and has been screwed by the pandemic: The American version has only filmed one season through to completion since the fall of 2018. Pretty crazy stuff.

The Amazing Race 21 filmed during the summer of 2012 and aired in the fall. This was a significant year of my life for me as it was my final year of university. This also marked my full time return to watching TAR after taking an extensive break between TAR 14 and 18, and slowly watching episodes more and more frequently during TAR 19 and 20 until being a religious viewer once more for TAR 21.

TAR 21 and 22 provided a good escape for me during my final year of university. I had just started making some good friends during my final year, and it was clear almost everyone was moving away or going back home after living in Kelowna for four years. We also bonded over having a professor who was extremely controversial politically. I was hit with some bad news during this time as I discovered I hadn’t met the requirements to graduate at the end of the year.

I wouldn’t fulfill all of my credits until I completed two first year summer courses. To add insult to injury, I wrote my final exams for my two summer courses on the day that the Graduation Ceremony was happening for the 2012-2013 year. I was technically in university for five years because I waited 364 days until the following Graduation Ceremony. Luckily I was able to graduate with my best friend from university.

During this time I was also hosting Survivor ORGs full time and was at the peak of writing these very TARstorian blogs. Look at how many entries I have in 2012. I have A LOT. It is very different from today’s standard where I am lucky to cover one season per year since 2017 or 2018.

Another huge moment happened during TAR 21: On December 2, 2012, CTV announced they were casting for season 1 of The Amazing Race Canada. This was just five months after casting began for season 1 of Big Brother Canada.

Given I started watching both of these shows from Season 1, Episode 1, and the fact Canada had never had its own version of either of these shows outside of Quebec, these were two moments nobody thought would ever happen.

As I am writing this, Big Brother Canada 9 premiered earlier today and The Amazing Race Canada 8 is waiting for the pandemic to be over before they film another season.

I’ll be writing about this in my TAR Canada (1) blogs, but I can’t emphasize this enough: People fantasized about a TAR Canada, Survivor Canada, and BB Canada for such a long period of time that it seemed like it would never ever come to fruition.

It’s tough to believe we have 16 seasons total between two of the franchises, Canadians can now apply for Survivor, and they are all very popular.

But that blog is for another time.

****

The Amazing Race 21 has opinions all across the board. Some people love it. Some people hate it. And some people are in between. I can’t think of another season with more of a mixed bag of opinions. You can typically find a general consensus or two very contrasting opinions on all seasons. Here the whole spectrum is represented.

TAR 21 had a westward route. Once again, Indonesia is used after making its debut in TAR 19. It will appear in TAR 22 and 23 for some reason too. China is visited yet again. This season also marks the beginning of TAR frequently visiting France or French territories.

This season marks a very unfortunate milestone in TAR history: It’s the first time ever where no new countries are visited. China, Indonesia, Bangladesh, Turkey, Netherlands, France, Russia, and Spain have already been visited on TAR. Every season in press releases they always promote the one, two, or three debuting countries for the season. Instead this season they had to say “we’re exploring Mallorca for the first time” or specify the new towns.

Shanghai, Dhaka, Istanbul, Moscow, and NYC would host 7 out of 12 legs. So not only were prior countries being used but also prior cities.

Lastly, other than the Starting Line Task and the final leg in NYC, the first eleven legs are split between Asia and Europe. Africa, South America, and Australia/Oceania are all skipped for this season. You know it’s bad when you share something in common with TAR 24.

Two new twists debuted this season:

1) BLIND DOUBLE U-TURN

Double Blind U-Turn. . .or is it Blind Double U-Turn? Anyways, I remember writing jokes at the time as to how ridiculous this sounded. Are we going to get a Triple U-Turn? A Double Blind and Deaf U-Turn? A Deaf U-Turn? A Double Dog Dare You U-Turn?

Nine years later and it’s just part of typical TAR jargon without batting an eye.

The funny thing is contestants Natalie & Nadiya would break the Double U-Turn twist (Blind or Not Blind) by having an alliance where you U-Turn your targets from the opposing alliance and then have somebody else in your alliance U-Turn the team who had already reached the U-Turn board thereby blocking the intended U-Turn team from saving themselves.

When this happened I was convinced the Double U-Turn would be retired as I expected this strategy to be abused. Eleven seasons later, and we just came off TAR 32 where this strategy continues to be abused to this day without Production doing anything about it.

2) DOUBLE YOUR MONEY

This twist is rarely talked about anymore but it was a big deal when the season was announced. The team who comes in first on the first leg could win TWO million dollars.

“As if one million dollars wasn’t enough.”

That’s right. If a team won the first and last legs, they could win two million dollars.

This twist only existed for TAR 21 and it would never be used again. I don’t know if CBS didn’t want to risk a payout down the road, but they did it as a one-off for TAR 21.

What’s funny is in interviews Elise Doganieri was saying she hoped if a team won the two million dollar jackpot they would donate the second million to charity. She said it repeatedly in press interviews. Yes, a team could win two million dollars, but there was A LOT of pressure to not keep that second million. In other words, this is the one season where winning the maximum prize could put you under a lot of scrutiny.

Much like the Hazard in TAR 19, the Marked for Elimination NEL penalty, or the Intersections in TAR 10, 11, 16, this would become a forgotten twist for the American franchise.

Otherwise, this season followed the basic TAR formula since TAR 17.

One Express Pass awarded for winning leg two, two Double U-Turn boards, and two Fast Forwards. Sadly this was a decrease from the temporary three Fast Forwards awarded in TAR 20. We’re closing in on the extinction of Fast Forwards.

That was it for format changes. Double Your Money was the only true format change and it doesn’t play a factor in this season.

As you can see, no new countries and no significant twists to gameplay made for a very bland generic season to be played out on paper. Luckily we were saved by. . .

3) STARTING LINE TASK

Oh yes, I almost forgot. TAR 15, 18, 19, and 20 all had Starting Line Tasks. This occurs once again in TAR 21. TAR 28 will be the only exception to this all the way to present-day as of the end of TAR 32.

CASTING

If you love the casting for this season like I do, TAR 21 is a great season. If you don’t like the casting or the WTF ending to this season, you probably hate it and find it to be a snoozefest.

The casting -saved- TAR 21 and the storylines for the season work up to an epic climax. I can’t recall a story for any season of TAR since maybe TAR 9 or TAR 12 where so many insane things happen and then the biggest upset of all happens in the final episode.

In fact, TAR 21 has the biggest underdog upset of any season of TAR worldwide. Oddly enough, TAR Canada 1 comes really close but TAR 21 has the record intact to this day. A team this season becomes a verb used frequently for teams in future seasons aiming to make a comeback from an underdog position.

TAR has a reputation for having dominant or strong teams always cross the finish line every time. You can usually guess within a couple episodes who is going to win the season or who will be the Final Three. TAR 21 joins TAR 3, TAR 16, and TAR 25 as one of only four seasons where the winners will leave you shocked by the ending.

Let’s briefly go over the teams:

When the second Double U-Turn episode aired, I wrote “I think Natalie & Nadiya should go on Survivor.” I had never written that about a TAR team before. A production member must have read my message in that Facebook group because Survivor: Philippines was airing at the time and just two years later Natalie & Nadiya would compete on Survivor: San Juan Del Sur. Furthermore, they would be brought back for TAR 24 and Natalie would compete on Survivor: Winners at War as well as whatever season of The Challenge is going on right now.

Natalie & Nadiya will be a VERY polarizing team while TAR 21 airs. They are perhaps the strongest personalities of any all-female team cast. TAR rarely casts this type, and Natalie & Nadiya exceed the benchmark set by Dustin & Kandice long ago.

Because Natalie & Nadiya play this season like Survivor, you are going to have some very polarizing opinions about them. A lot of TAR viewers watch TAR because it is NOT like Survivor. Once you bring in Survivor-esque tactics into TAR, viewers are forced to pick sides.

In any event, I hope you enjoy seeing Natalie & Nadiya’s origin story.

Need We Play More?

In the early 2010s, you could find almost any season of any reality show you wanted to watch on YouTube. This included all of the seasons of The Apprentice.

Ryan was an underedited contestant on The Apprentice: Martha Stewart Edition. When TAR 21 announced the cast, I was in disbelief the “Need We Play More” Guy was crossing over to The Amazing Race. Out of all of The Apprentice contestants in history, -this- guy is picked to be the crossover?

It was hilarious on so many levels. That alone drew me into watching TAR 21. If he had as big of a blunder as he did on The Apprentice, I am sure he is going to have some massive blunders on TAR 21.

Ryan doesn’t disappoint.

I have hinted at it before in seasons prior, but James & Abba are my go-to answer for “which team do you think possessed the most dark comedy?” There is a lot of dark comedy with James & Abba’s run on TAR 21.

If anyone could argue they match Jeremy & Sandy’s record for most underedited team ever, it might be Trey & Lexi. They’ll be in a powerful three-team alliance, but they’re really not shown frequently.

Amy is a double amputee pro snowboarder. She was the original Bethany Hamilton. I know some people will yell at me to mention Sarah from TAR 10, but Amy had a much bigger following. So big in fact she would later compete on Dancing With the Stars. Production was relying on her to draw in viewers. They have perhaps one of the biggest “holy shit they’re doing well” to “holy shit they’re already gone” type of edits.

Sheila was one of the first TAR contestants to pass away. Sadly she passed away in the summer of 2016.

Rob is the brother of Tina Scheer from Survivor: Exile Island.

Rob and Tina Scheer are both first boots who have unexpected losses (Tina bowed out of Guatemala due to the sudden passing of her son and waited until Exile Island to play). It’s a very strange parallel to occur in the reality TV universe.

Because this blog is meant to be light-hearted and fun, this is the only time I will be mentioning this.

I know to this day bringing up Gary & Will online is a controversial subject, but these were two of the biggest TAR superfans to ever be cast. It’s funny to think that TAR was casting the superfan label when we have an additional decade and an additional ten seasons for the US version.

At least one or both guys are very active in online forums about TAR to this day. I know at some point they’ll be reading this blog (I suspect they already have in previous years).

Casual fans still talk about how much they like these two dudes. I guess we’ll find out why they are so damn popular.

Finally, this is the first time where I watched a season finale and was 100 percent certain who would win based on the edit. When the first half of the two part finale ended, I realized two teams of the Final Three had their stories wrapped up and only one team’s story hadn’t concluded. I sat there thinking “holy shit, I know who wins.” Sure enough I was right. I felt proud of myself that day.

FINAL NOTE

Prior to TAR 21, Yau Man Chan from Survivor emailed CBS producers with potential challenge ideas. One of them was the Chinese ping-pong Roadblock seen in the season premiere. I forgot about it until I re-watched this episode, but I remember Yau Man posting about it all over Facebook.

***

TAR 21 is the closest to joining TAR 22 and 23 as “just another season of TAR.”

Some seasons have Production pour their heart and soul into it but it doesn’t play out the way they hoped. Some seasons have Production putting in little to no effort but the teams they cast make this season MUCH better than it should have been.

I feel the letter is what happened with TAR 21. This is the start of the 4-season era where TAR producers start “phoning it in” as they race towards TAR’s trough in TAR 24 where everything catches up with them, and they have to start over with TAR 25.

With roughly 140 countries left to visit and a couple formatting issues that have yet to be resolved, Production going in the direction they did with this season meant the entire success of the season hinges on this cast. Thank god they delivered this season as that won’t quite be the case for 22, 23, and. . . .*shudder* 24.

OK. That’s it. Let’s get to the first episode of TAR 21, shall we?

For the fourth season in a row, we open with a shot of L.A. Hello, Santa Monica Pier. Aren’t there 49 other states? I guess Production really wants to ensure teams can fly direct from LAX to Shanghai to save on additional flight costs.

Teams travel to the starting line using Anita & Arthur’s house.

Peace, love, and monkey bees.

PHIL: Teams are groovin’ down southern California’s sunny coastline.

Surf’s up, bro!

Phil introduces Pasadena as the “Crown of the Valley.”

Even the top of City Hall looks like a giant crown. . .unless you only go by the green part then it’s Boba Fett’s helmet.

Phil refers to the City Hall as an architectural treasure. The Colorado Street Bridge is the starting line for this season.

I hear they had to quickly paint on the ‘Music’ sign once James & Abba were officially cast.

Twenty-one seasons later and Phil still needs to remind viewers of his name.

We get to see the Colorado Street Bridge. I can think of three other bridges that are far more famous than this one.

FIRST TEAM

TREY & LEXI: DATING FROM AUSTIN, TEXAS

Trey was a university football player. Lexi was a university cheerleader.

They’re athletic.

Lexi is posing for her high school prom picture.

Lexi is also a fan of WCW’s nWo. Tooooo sweet!

LEXI: We’re pretty traditional people. We don’t want to live together until we’re married.

Football, cheerleading, farms, cows, and Texas. Jesus Christ. TAR is well aware of the show’s popularity amongst the southern demographic.

Not since Dwight K. Schrute have I seen somebody with their own archery range. Somebody is the sucker for not having moved in yet.

I hear Mary Jean has come here and couldn’t even hit the side of the barn with her arrow. She practiced all summer too.

AND they have their own pond for boat rides?! Is it Trey’s house or Lexi’s house? Get married now and move in already.

LEXI: I’m hoping we can win this race so I can finally get a ring on my finger.

You need a million dollars just for a ring? How many karats does this ring need to have?!

Trey is carrying Lexi like she is rescued after being tied down on train tracks.

SECOND TEAM

NATALIE & NADIYA: TWIN SISTERS BORN IN NYC AND RAISED IN SRI LANKA. FUTURE CBS PROFESSIONAL REALITY STARS.

Just to show how different of a reputation Natalie & Nadiya had at the start of TAR 21, we are treated to slow East Indian music and visuals that make you think you are doing yoga poses.

“Namaste, motherfuckers.”

“They stole my bit.”

Natalie & Nadiya engage in combat training for when they take on John Rocker.

Natalie & Nadiya moved from Brooklyn to Sri Lanka when they were 3.

“It took a lot of Galle to move to Sri Lanka.”

Oh, enough of the Sri Lankan puns Allan Wu.

Anyways, Natalie & Nadiya were M.I.A. from New York while growing up in Sri Lanka during their childhood.

Sign these ladies up for some WWE action.

NADIYA: We’ve done everything from each other’s taking exams and midterms.
NATALIE: We’re going to get in trouble!
NADIYA: We already graduated. It’s too late.

NOTE: Their degrees were both revoked upon the airing of this episode. Don’t mess with the Dean!

I have done 322 of these episode blogs, and transcribing a Natalie & Nadiya confessional takes so much longer than most teams because THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER ALL THE DAMN TIME.

NADIYA: She broke up with my high school boyfriend for me and he didn’t even know.
NATALIE: Yeah so whatever. He’s a bum. . .
NADIYA: Yeah. He’s a bum.

So does that mean they’re still technically dating then?

I must admit one thing I am always really careful of due to my girlfriend having two sisters is that when they are altogether and I’m drinking with all of them, I always have to be careful I don’t booty slap the wrong woman of the three sisters. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be one of Natalie or Nadiya’s partners on a day where Natalie and Nadiya are wearing similar clothes. There has to be some awkward stories there.

I have heard of people calling themselves a Tree Hugger, but this is ridiculous.

I’m just going to assume whoever is standing on the left is Natalie and whoever is standing on the right is Nadiya or I stand no fucking chance this season of telling them apart.

NATALIE: I feel so fortunate to be a twin.
NADIYA: . .I feel the same way, Twinnie.

TWINNIE COUNT: 1

Yeah, we’re going to have a Twinnie count this season and a “YOU’RE THE ONLY GIRL HERE!” count too.

THIRD TEAM

JAMES & ABBA: ROCKSTAR AND ATTORNEY

We’re only three teams in and somebody already drew a pair of breasts on one of the windows.

We should note we already had a rockstar in TAR 20.

I know what you’re thinking: Elliot Weber was the rockstar from TAR 20.

But actually it was Andrew Weber who was the rockstar from TAR 20.
.
.
.
Just kidding, but I don’t even know which one was and now you have completely doubted yourself and you have no idea who the fuck it was either.

I wonder if they learned how to run just like that episode of The Simpsons where Keith Richards shows them to escape the groupies to get back to their limo.

JAMES: I’m a rock musician. I started out as a band called White Lion then went to Megadeth. I have performed with musicians like Ozzy Osbourne and Slash.

After TAR 21, James would become the lead guitarist in Mouse Rat. . .or are they called Rat Mouse?

I can’t believe we have a team of a rockstar and an attorney on TAR. What video game did casting play before the season began?

If only Klavier Gavin were real, they could have a contestant who is a rockstar AND an attorney.

When TAR 21’s Double Your Money twist should be renamed Double Your Weed.

It should be noted drug testing didn’t start until TAR 22.

JAMES: WE’RE GONNA ROCK THE RACE!

Nothin’ says rock the race like signing a bunch of waivers for network executives to hang out in front of Pasadena City Hall.

If James cranks the bass any higher, Abba will become the third deaf TAR contestant after Luke Adams and Adrian Yap.

FOURTH TEAM (A TEAM THAT ACTUALLY WORKS FOR MARTHA STEWART):

JOSH & BRENT: GOAT FARMERS FROM SHARON SPRINGS, NEW YORK

I had no idea who these guys were before TAR 21, but they would technically fall under the “stunt casting” category.

Josh actually has a lengthy Wikipedia page. Josh & Brent had a TV show on one of Martha Stewart’s media channels that ran for 21 episodes in 2010 and 2011 about their life as goat farmers in upstate New York. Oh, and somehow Brent is a physician and Josh is a writer who also previously performed in drag.

And no, Josh’s stage name wasn’t “Pitchfork.”

Josh says they bought a goat farm. Brent adds they both lost their jobs within six jobs and needed to make the farm profitable.

“Inner City Pressure.”

I like how Josh has a better intro shot more suited for The Apprentice than the man in the cast who was an -actual- Apprentice contestant.

If Josh & Brent are saved by a NEL, their penalty should be that they have to spend the entire leg in those gum boots rather than do a Speed Bump.

Josh & Brent are aiming to be the GOATs on TAR, but this is not how they imagined it would be interpreted.

Josh & Brent take out their anger of having their show cancelled by chucking hay at defenseless goats.

That goat is like a baby at a parade hoping to get lifted onto daddy’s shoulders so he can see the performers on the floats.

JOSH: The Beekman Boys made farming fabulous.
BRENT: Now we’re gonna make racing fabulous.

All eliminated teams shall be fed to these very goats.

FIFTH TEAM:

AMY & DANIEL: DATING ON AND OFF FOR TEN YEARS FROM CRESTED, BUTTE COLORADO

Believe it or not, the woman on the left is supposed to be the biggest casting choice for the season. It’s not the two gay goat farmers who had their own TV show nor The Martha Stewart Apprentice contestant nor the future 4-time CBS reality show contestant–it’s one half of the on-again off-again generic White dating mactor couple of the season.

AMY: When I was 19 years old I contracted something called bacterial meningitis.

We get a shot of the team only standing on two legs total.

AMY: I lost my spleen, my kidneys, my hearing in my left ear,

I dunno why, but the overly dramatic music when they zoom in on one of her prosthetic legs for the first time always gets me every time.

Daniel isn’t going to get any airtime, is he?

You can’t help but draw parallels to Sarah and Bethany Hamilton. Editors go all-in to making their disabilities being their personalities rather than their personalities be their personalities. It’s always awkward when this happens because it prevents proper character development.

Much like Bethany and Sarah, Amy is also a professional athlete.

If you told me there was a snowboarder who lost both of their legs as an adult, I would assume it’s because she attempted the Deadly Fall course. I hope that helicopter swooped in to rescue her!

Although the ‘Too Bad’ voiceover upon the accident did seem a bit insensitive.

I should note Amy and Daniel actually got married in 2015 and are still together much like Adam and Bethany. Sorry Peter and Sarah, you’re the only fake couple in the mix.

Amy reveals she is the top ranked female adapted snowboarder in the world and won back-to-back-to-back gold medals. Each of the split screens has actual footage rather than still pictures.

DANIEL: She is such a beautiful person and inspires me every day.

lol we learn nothing about Daniel. He really is the Adam to Amy’s Bethany.

SIXTH TEAM:

CAITLIN & BRITTANY: BEST FRIENDS FROM THE MIDWEST

We don’t even get a state for them.

You know you’re going to go far in the race and get a big edit if Phil says you’re from the Midwest. But hey, it’s more than we know about Daniel.

Caitlin King is here and she’s ready to open a can of whoop ass on all comers.

This is supposed to be a shot where Brittany looks tough and intimidating, but the way her head tilts makes her look confused instead of intimidating.

I’m gonna put this out there: I think if they challenged Natalie & Nadiya to a fight, Natalie & Nadiya could KO them on their asses within nine seconds. Ten if they’re lucky.

This is the third team out of six to put their partner in a headlock.

This beats the record from TAR 6 where Jonathan kept putting Victoria in a headlock, and the producers had to yell “Jonathan, the cameras aren’t even recording! You don’t have to keep her in a headlock! Jonathan! Jonathan!”

CAITLIN: I played Divison I soccer at Auburn University.

BRITTANY: I was playing basketball getting technicals and she was getting yellow cards.

She went out on a date with Ryan Key?????

Why didn’t Phil say they are from St. Louis???????? We can see the fuckin’ arch!

These boss ass chicks are hittin’ up the rock climbing walls. Ferocious!

BRITTANY: We’re pretty mean when it comes to playing on the court (soccer is played on a pitch, but ok). We didn’t sign up for a beauty pageant.
(BRITTANY snorts.)

I should note I transcribed Caitlin and Brittany’s -entire- intro. Editors DO NOT know how to edit young white blonde-haired women on The Amazing Race. They just don’t know how to give them anything beyond a one-dimensional edit.

One day they’ll learn.

SEVENTH TEAM:

ROB & SHEILA: ENGAGED FROM PIGEON FORGE, TENNESSEE

Crested Butte? Pigeon Forge? These sound like sex positions more than actual names of towns.

“I swear my sister isn’t Tina Scheer!”

“Bob Crowley ain’t got nothing on me.”

Rob says he has been practicing decapitating people’s heads by using upright logs and an axe since he was six years old.

ROB: By the time I was 17 years old I was a many-time world champion.

I can believe it.

Sheila gave up her cosmetic marketing job for 15 years in order to move with Rob somewhere and marry him.

SHEILA: Rob is definitely the boss of the relationship. He has taken over the planning of this relationship. I hope he picks a nice dress for me.

I hope you like a flannel dress.

If she already gave up this job. . .how is she filming this audition?!

Why do all of these teams live in the middle of nowhere?

I don’t understand the purpose of this shot.

EIGHTH TEAM:

GARY & WILL: SUBSTITUTE TEACHERS FROM MICHIGAN

Where are they from?

“I’m Clark Kent!”

Will is just shouting “YEAH!” “YEAH!” repeatedly like he is Atreyu riding in Falcor in Neverending Story.

We are treated to a montage of Gary & Will auditioning for TAR six times.

What’s funny is I have auditioned for TAR Canada six times too, but haven’t looked like that.

Are they substitute Spanish teachers?

I dunno why, but Gary & Will re-enacted the Peter Green golfing scene from The Mask.

I should note one audition typically covers two seasons of TAR. Instead of auditioning for six out of twenty-one seasons, it is more likely Gary & Will have technically applied for 12 out of 18 seasons (TAR 8, 11, and 18 removed).

Now that we’re 32 seasons deep into this franchise, and with one season per audition cycle for the past few years, I know Luke Adams did all eight audition cycles by TAR 14 and James Wallington hit 9 by TAR 32.

TAR 5-28 would’ve had one audition cycle every two seasons. That’s twelve.
TAR 31 was an all-star season.
Realistically I think the maximum someone could have is 19 auditions under their belt or very close to it.

To put it in perspective, I have applied nine times for Big Brother Canada, six times for TAR Canada, and twice for Survivor.

In 2021, six auditions is not a crazy number.

In this audition, Gary & Will create their own Detour:

“Now You See Me”

“Now You Don’t”

GARY: We are the biggest fans. The superest fans of The Amazing Race.

Well, I hope they’re not English substitute teachers because superest isn’t a word.

Gary is 6’6″ and Gary is 5’1.25″. I should note 5’1″ isn’t -that- short. My girlfriend is 4’11”.

They really play up (or down?) the height difference.

GARY: People call us Mutt and Jeff or Mr. Roarke and Tattoo.

Or “The fourth team out of eight to put their partner in a headlock for no apparent reason.”

WILL: If we don’t win the race, I’m going to get a divorce. . .from him.

I didn’t know polygamy was legal in Michigan.

NINTH TEAM:

RYAN & ABBIE: DATING DIVORCEES FROM SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA

And we officially have our first (and only) The Apprentice-TAR crossover enter the fray.

One of the jokes on The Apprentice during Ryan’s elimination episode was that others thought he intentionally did a baseball theme for his task as Project Manager because he wanted to live out a dream.

In his first intro shot for TAR 21, we see Ryan show off his pitching arm.

Ryan thinks they are the strongest team because he does jiu jitsu and Abbie is a dance instructor.

Abbie has mad coordination with her finger guns.

RYAN: Not only do I train but I also compete.

2011/2012 was the peak of the MMA craze. My brother was even in jiu jitsu during those exact two years. He didn’t practice jiu jitsu before or since.

I would be very surprised if Ryan still does BJJ to this day.

Also I think our Headlock Count has reached five.

You know why they’re divorcees? Because they did REAR NAKED CHOKES on each of their spouses!

Again, Jonathan Baker did the same thing in his audition video and he isn’t even training in jiu jitsu!

RYAN: Having that competitiveness even when someone’s arm is wrapped around my throat is going to be a metaphor for this race. I will not be satisfied with anything but first place. I want world domination. I want to be bowed down to.
ABBIE: Oh. Oh gosh.

I haven’t rewatched TAR 21 since it originally aired almost nine years ago. To this day I -still- remember some of Ryan’s quotes from this season. He’s going to have some of my all-time favourite reality TV quotes this season.

TENTH TEAM:

JAYMES & JAMES: CHIPPENDALES PERFORMERS FROM LAS VEGAS, NEVADA

Jaymes & James join a lovely crew of teams who refuse to distinguish from one another by name.

JAYMES: You think we swing around stripper poles with dollar bills in our pants but no, that’s not what we do. It’s a performance show. I sing and James plays guitar.

I’m sure they are there for Jaymes’ singing abilities and James’ washboard guitar riffs.

JAMES: I’m here to party but I wanna be formal is what my outfit says.

I dunno about that.

ELEVENTH TEAM:

ROB & KELLEY: MARRIED MONSTER TRUCKERS FROM BOSTON, GEORGIA

ROB: Kelley and I are one of the top independent teams in the world of monstertrucking. I’ve got four world championships. . .the other teams are going to think this guy is arrogant and he’s an ass OR they’re going to love me. We’re gonna be the toughest team and win this race.

How many independent monster truckers are there in the world? Is it a big field to be “one of the top of”?

“This jump is much further than I thought!”

Well, I won’t be able to sleep tonight.

“I pledge allegiance. . .”

For some reason very few women are getting much content in these intros unless they are Twinnies or world class snowboarders.

I wonder if his dad was in Singin’ in the Rain?

Kelley has bigger muscles than Caitlin and Brittany combined.

So to recap:

Headlock Count: 5

STUNT CASTING COUNT

ROB & SHEILA
AMY & DANIEL
RYAN & ABBIE
JOSH & BRENT
JAYMES & JAMES
JAMES & ABBA
ROB & KELLEY

NON-STUNT CASTING COUNT

NATALIE & NADIYA (FUTURE 4-TIME SURVIVOR AND TAR CONTESTANTS)
GARY & WILL (SUPERFANS)
CAITLIN & BRITTANY (FULFILLING MIDWEST/SOUTHERN WHITE BLONDE WOMEN TAR STEREOTYPE)
TREY & LEXI (FULFILLING GENERIC SOUTHERN COUPLE TAR STEREOTYPE)

It’s amazing how much this cast will soon deliver.

I like how the bus dropped them off at the park so they could get their “running through the park” shots instead of the convenience of pulling over on the bridge and letting them out.

PHIL: If there’s one thing I can promise you–there are lots of surprises along the way.

Actually, just two. The Double Your Money twist which will be announced in two seconds, and the Double Blind Dog Dare U-Turn in leg 9. No other surprises exist.

Phil reveals the Double Your Money twist.

PHIL: For the first time in Amazing Race history, you have the chance to double your money. If your team wins the first and last leg of the race, you will win TWO million dollars.

“How about. . .TWO million dollars!”

“FUCK YEAH! MY MONSTER TRUCK IS GOING TO HAVE 70″ GOLD SPINNING RIMS!!!”

Phil tells them the Starting Line Task is a 10 storey rappel down from the Colorado Street Bridge.

TAR 15 stakes: Last team to finish is eliminated.
TAR 18 stakes: Last team to finish gets an Automatic U-Turn in the second leg.
TAR 19 stakes: Last team to finish gets a Hazard/Pseudo Speed Bump Roadblock.
TAR 20 stakes: Tickets on an earlier flight.
TAR 21 stakes: Nothing.

I must say after this season I can’t remember half of the starting line tasks.

I hate Starting Line Tasks because there is no good way to do it. It robs us of the following:

a) The first country we are visiting which is already limited due to 22 people being introduced at the starting line.
b) The critical first airport scene which is the only time all eleven teams get to size each other up. Endgame alliances and enemies are born here. Some of my favourite all-time moments are from those initial airport scenes.

Seeing teams do a rappel from a bridge in our 14th or 15th California starting line is unnecessary.

Once they finish the rappel, they can open their clue and drive a Ford Escape to LAX.

PHIL: Good luck. . .travel safe. . .go!

Just once I want to see Phil get bowled over by a team.

Trey is by far the fastest runner in this cast.

I will be very rarely saying these words but Josh & Brent are in first place.

Gary is scared and doesn’t know if he can do it. Abbie is making bird calls.

James & Abba start singing “Going Down” by the Jeff Beck Group for some reason.

They are indeed going down.

Jaymes & James, Trey & Lexi, and Josh & Brent are our top three. . .after the first task.

They read they must go to Shanghai, China. It was previously visited in TAR 6 and 16. I don’t know why we’re here for a third time.

The Amazing Race Presented by Ford!

The Ford screen plays Phil recapping the two flights for all teams.

FLIGHT NUMBER ONE:
CHINA AIRLINES. 10:50AM ARRIVAL. CARRIES 7 TEAMS.

FLIGHT NUMBER TWO:
EVA AIR. 12:05PM ARRIVAL. CARRIES 4 TEAMS.

BRENT: Come back with two million dollars or come back dead.

Why? Was that Martha Stewart’s bailout money at the time?

We get to see the intro. I’ll save the more amusing intro shots for next episode since this blog post is long enough as it is.

After the intro we resume and–

Whoa. Teams are already at the airport. In fact, I timed it and it is only 3 seconds between the end of the intro and the first team claiming tickets. Sigh.

FIRST FLIGHT:
JAYMES & JAMES
CAITLIN & BRITTANY
JAMES & ABBA
AMY & DANIEL
ABBIE & RYAN
NATALIE & NADIYA
ROB & KELLEY

Jaymes & James would go on to get a first class upgrade after they shred their shirts for the ticketing agents.

SECOND FLIGHT:
JOSH & BRENT
TREY & LEXI
GARY & WILL
ROB & SHEILA

The editing for the flight scramble is very odd.

Natalie & Nadiya, Rob & Kelley, and Josh & Brent scramble for the last two remaining spots on the first flight.

All Josh & Brent have to do is bypass Kelley and they are on the flight.

Josh gets ahead of Kelley. Brent doesn’t want to run ahead. Therefore, they drop to the second flight.

BRENT: Josh let a team cut in front of us because he wanted to be Mr. Nice Guy.
JOSH: Are you going to be like this the entire flight to China?

BRENT: Maybe.
JOSH: I’m going to get a sleeping pill somewhere.

The sleeping pill of course is infused with goat feces.

We only get to see -five- of the eleven teams get their tickets. None of the other positions are officially announced.

Nothing gets me excited for TAR like a location from TAR 6 and 16–two seasons known for their top-notch quality.

It’s not even the good China leg in TAR 6 either with Hayden & Aaron because that doesn’t happen until the following leg in Xi’an.

Phil tells the audience teams must go to Yuanshen Sports Center Stadium.

So much has changed in 2 1/2 years since TAR 16 rather than the hundreds of other cities in China.

Of course the first thing we see in Shanghai is a McDonalds.

James & Abba are the first into a taxi. Abba shows off his Mandarin skills.

Oddly enough, James says those exact words to women in his hotel room when he tours around China with White Lion.

Jaymes & James feel like rotisserie chickens from those Set It and Forget It commercials.

I’m sure if Jaymes & James began hosting those Set It and Forget It commercials it would sell a hell of a lot faster.

ABBIE: We’ve been on a flight for seventeen hours.
RYAN: And I’m wearing the same underpants.

You wonder why they didn’t eventually get married.

Jaymes & James are first to the Roadblock by half a second.

ROADBLOCK HINT: Who’s ready to get paddled?

“Is there a Chippendales show in this stadium we don’t know about?”

In case you have forgotten, Yau-Man Chan was a Table Tennis champion before his days on Survivor. He e-mailed somebody with this challenge idea sometime after Survivor: Fiji. When this episode aired, Yau-Man took credit for this Roadblock being used in Shanghai but was slightly modified from his original suggestion. He uploaded a screenshot of the email he sent with the idea too.

It took me an hour of checking every Facebook group I am apart of, and finally found it. How the hell I remembered this is beyond me.

In the variation of the Yau-Man Chan Challenge, Phil says teams will have to play table tennis against a Chinese junior champion who “simply hates losing.” They must successfully score a point against this opponent or wait for next turn as she grabs a household item to make it easier. Once teams can score -one- point, they will receive their next clue.

POWER SHOT!

Dwight K. Schrute and Mose would’ve been ideal for TAR 21.

I mean, the only time Dwight left Pennsylvania was to attend the Hall of Fame Induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.

For some reason, the frying pan makes me laugh the most.

It’s like Paula from EarthBound became a ping pong champion.

I like how they just need to score one point against a girl with a frying pan to get their next clue. I presume Production thought teams starting a set with a 19-0 advantage was still going to be too difficult to achieve for contestants.

The only bummer with this task is that the interval between each ‘paddle’ being used is too short, and all of the teams will likely be out of there in a fairly close spread.

James, Caitlin, Nadiya, Abbie, James, Daniel (not a surprise) are going to do the Roadblock. Rob & Kelley are lost looking for the clue box.

You know how Rob described himself as the biggest badass in the race?

Well nothing epitomizes “badass” than a guy who has stolen Christie & Jodi’s wheelies for The Amazing Race.

I wonder if that sign in English is just being hung up for the day of the TAR contestants’ arrival?

We see a hall entirely made up of people playing ping pong.

I should note everybody is playing against the same girl.

NATALIE: In Sri Lanka, we play table tennis.

It’s true. Sri Lanka does play table tennis and they play at the Asian Table Tennis Championships. Let’s look at the medal table.

China: 312.5 medals.
Sri Lanka: 0.

This is how Sri Lanka looks when playing table tennis against China.

NATALIE: I see him and size him up. . .I just get one shot to beat him and if I don’t beat him I have to wait for the cycle to go around.

Ummmm anybody want to inform Natalie this is a common haircut for Chinese girls?

It would be the type of unintentionally ignorant mistake somebody like John Rocker would make.

As somebody who has taught over 1, 000 Chinese children, yes, this is a common haircut for girls. Not all Chinese girls have this hairstyle, but you do see this haircut about 30 percent of the time.

Nadiya keeps telling Natalie to shout it.

Given that Natalie grew up in Sri Lanka, I get the impression it is a VERY hot and humid June day in Shanghai. Either that or New Jersey has turned Natalie & Nadiya into Asian humid weather wimps.

Airrrrr ballllllllllllllllllll.

JAYMES: You got this one! Taking down little Chinese kids! This is horrible!

She has only one good ear, Jaymes! Why are you shouting into her one good ear? C’mon man. You don’t want to be as harmful as meningitis, do you?

I dunno why, but Jaymes leans directly into Amy’s ear during this quote and they aren’t even talking to each other. She’s not even looking at him! Jaymes gets so close to her ear Amy quickly has to take two steps away from him. Who the hell is this guy?

Seriously. Watch this two second clip. You’ll never unsee it from now on. It’s that hilarious and random.

We see James’ first attempt.

He has a defensive shot which flies up to the ceiling. If it hits the ceiling then onto the opponent’s half of the court, does it still count?

The girl steamrolls through all six teams with a paddle. It’s now time for round two.

She has the freakin’ clipboard for round two and beats James again.

We hear the sound of a child’s laughter as we see an animation of the Chinese girl nodding.

“Where did you learn to play table tennis?”

Where did that woman come from?

JAYMES (high-pitched voice): These kids are crazy!

“These kids are crazy! You’re crazy! I’m crazy! We’re all crazy! Crazy crazy crazy!”

Rob & Kelley are still looking for the clue box.

Rob & Kelley are too optimistic if they think the Roadblock will be to score a goal against a 10 year old junior champion goalkeeper on the soccer pitch. At least a net is tougher to defend than half of a table. Although I don’t know if Rob & Kelley have the cardio for penalty kicks.

Natalie loses again too.

The Chinese girl has been scoring so many points that the referee has been gaining muscle in her left arm.

CHINA: 12
AMERICA: 0

NADIYA: Natalie, concentrate! What is wrong with you!
NATALIE: He’s [sic] hitting it hard!
NADIYA: Natalie, relax!
NATALIE: You relax!!!

As the TAR saying goes, the worst way to make a woman relax in a stressful situation is to tell her to relax.

Abbie is the first and only person to score a point during the clipboard round.

“Am I the best or what? If any other ten year old Chinese girls want to take me on in a game of ping pong as long as they use a clipboard, I dare you to challenge Queen Abbie.”

“Sorry for the delay! My right arm fell asleep ten minutes ago.”

Ryan & Abbie read the route info.

In a classic TAR tradition, we’re in China which means we need to have a food eating Roadblock up ahead.

DANIEL: (James), do it like you play the bass!

James is second to complete the Roadblock because the girl’s power shot misses the table by a quarter of an inch. Much like Abbie, James didn’t do anything to score the point.

If you follow Mario Party at all, there is an ongoing viral video after each release where somebody plays as Luigi against 3 CPU opponents. They see how many mini games they can win as Luigi by not pressing a single button. It’s called “Luigi Wins By Doing Absolutely Nothing.”

Abbie and James have won each of their points by the Luigi Method.

Alas, James has now dropped his new single the Pingpongball Wizard.

James & Abba hire a cab before Ryan & Abbie but claim they have a really slow taxi driver.

Maybe this guy is lonely and hasn’t had passengers all day.

Rob & Kelley are finally at the clue box.

ROADBLOCK HINT: Who wants to get paddled?
ROB: That’s you.

TMI, guys.

The champion is still using her clipboard against James. It’s unclear how many rounds each contestant plays before the champion downgrades to the next item.

James is the first person to score a point that wasn’t from the Luigi Method.

I wonder if each player’s victory graphic was from the intro video and editors took three random still images to create it.

JAYMES: Go to Cui Jing Ping. . .I dunno.

After three years of working for a Chinese company, that’s about as much effort as I can muster learning Mandarin. I feel Jaymes’ pain.

Jaymes interrogates James if he has all of his possessions with him.

Natalie is the first to face off against the champion using a sauce pan.

I think this is where it goes from “leveling the playing field” to “damn, this is just insulting.”

My favourite part is the loud CLANK sound whenever she hits the ball with the sauce pan.

And yes, I did call it a frying pan because I very rarely cook and don’t know my cooking utensils.

Also, Nadiya’s disappointment when the only other all-female team beats her teammate at the challenge is hilarious. Especially when Nadiya probably feels she could beat Caitlin and Brittany at any challenge in a 2 vs. 1 handicap match.

Daniel is facing the table tennis champion on the Stage 4 Handicap–a tambourine.

“Hey Tambourine Champ,
Kick Daniel’s ass for me.”

She is using the -inside- of the tambourine for her backhand shots. She hits it into her own court and Daniel scores the point.

Daniel is mugging for the camera because if he doesn’t Amy is going to get all of the airtime.

This is the whole shot! They’ve never done this before where the “Currently in Xth Place” subtitle appears when we zoom in on a team’s legs. We get it! Amy has two prosthetic legs! Jesus Christ.

Natalie faces off against the tambourine and air balls ANOTHER shot.

“Does this season have an Edge of Extinction so I can skip to leg ten then come back?”

Natalie was hoping it would be a tambourine like E-V-E’s with a huge hole in the middle. Too bad this task was in Shanghai instead of Philly!

Stage 5 of the handicap is to use a glasses case. This is ridiculous. Natalie is able to score a point here.

“wtf?”

Natalie picks the champ up and spins her around in the air.

We skip ahead to Kelley reaching the sixth and final stage of the handicap:

The TAR clue envelope. She is using the freakin’ TAR clue envelope as a paddle.

She can’t get any power on the clue envelope. There is likely too much bend if she hits the ball too hard.

Since Kelley is the only one there and the second flight has yet to land, we don’t get a good idea of how long Kelley was there. She would’ve been able to play a lot of rounds in a row due to having no one to rotate with.

Eventually she scores a point.

“Back in our day we had to win against a kid using a paddle even if our wrists were broken.”

James & Abba are first to the restaurant and see it is another Roadblock.

JAMES: The dreaded double Roadblock.

Double Roadblocks wouldn’t be so bad if teams weren’t forced to split them in the same episode. Teams should have the option for the same person to do both Roadblocks in the same episode. Forcing the split takes all of the strategy out of the decision making process.

Like, what’s the point of having a Roadblock hint?

NOTE: This is the fifth episode with a Double Roadblock and the second consecutive episode after the TAR 20 finale. This would be the second of eight consecutive Double Roadblocks to occur either in a season premiere or season finale until TAR 27’s sixth leg.

Phil explains teams will need to eat a Chinese delicacy called hasma.

Phil has a smug look on his face because he is about to explain what hasma is.

Because every leg in China needs a delicacy consumption task, we’ve gone across the pond to eat something from a pond–the fallopian tubes of a frog.

For Abbie & Ryan, this is an aphrodisiac which could help rekindle their marriage.

I wish Phil would’ve tried some of the hasma.

ROADBLOCK HINT: Who wants to go tubing?

Abba might be up for sledding, but definitely not tubing.

James & Abba enter the restaurant.

We have a curious crowd wanting to watch Americans eat the fallopian tubes of a frog.

The chefs laugh at Abba.

Kisha laughs at Abba too.

“You may not pick up the papaya from the table with your hands.”

That’s right. Chopsticks, baby.

ABBA: It was like overcooked macaroni and cheese.

It’s a shame Kraft missed out on this product.

I can still see some in your hair, Abba.

Abba says the chopsticks made it difficult because of the consistency of the fallopian tubes.

ABBA: Papaya is my favourite fruit. Was.

If he gets enough of it on his beard he could be a Got Milk? commercial.

I don’t think even they eat fallopian tubes.

A crowd has gathered outside too as Ryan must do this Roadblock.

RYAN: This is amazingly good. Have you not had fallopian tube, Abbie?
ABBIE: I have two, but please don’t eat mine.

That’s a tape nobody wants to see.

Unless you’re Kent & Vyxsin.

Brittany is starting the Roadblock in third. Amy is fourth.

Abba just shoves his face in there and completes the Roadblock.

James & Abba read the clue outside. They must go to The Bund and find a woman with an abacus.

What if there is more than one woman on The Bund with an abacus?

JAMES: Aba. . .cus?

Smoochie smoochie, James. It’s time for your Abbakiss.

Not so ideal after a meal of fallopian tubes.

Ryan completes the task in second.

ABBIE: I know what an abacus is!

So do most people. . .I think.

“I went to so many dental waiting rooms when I was a kid so I know ALL about abacuses.”

Why was it that the dental office always has an abacus? I never see them anywhere else. Such an odd toy for them to pick.

So close yet so far.

The second flight lands. Everyone gets a cab. Josh & Brent worry it might be an athletic task.

Jaymes is fifth into the Roadblock. He says it tastes like warm jello. He spills a lot of the hasma.

#FallopianPartyFoul

Brittany has to plug her nose while eating.

Jaymes is like a shih tzu vacuuming up all of those crumbs.

Fuck this is nasty.

JAMES: You’re my boy, Blue!

I was not expecting an Old School reference.

I wonder what this does to a woman’s self-confidence.

Brittany is seated an inch away from a professional Chippendale. The Chippendale wants to make out. He can choose either you or the frog’s fallopian tubes. I wonder how Brittany feels when Jaymes chooses the latter.

Jaymes is just on vacation now. The restaurant manager is trying to hand him the clue as Jaymes is eating more tablecloth than fallopian tube.

JAYMES: Everything my mom taught me about how to eat with manners at the table was gone.

Good luck being allowed into a restaurant after this, Jaymes.

Amy completes the second Roadblock in fourth. Brittany is done in fifth.

BRITTANY: Find the woman with an a. . .backis???? Let’s go.

“Are you an A-backis?”

Of course it’s the team of White blonde-haired women who are edited to have the “Wow, how do they not know what an ___ is” moment this season.

Nadiya starts the Roadblock in sixth.

NATALIE: Let’s go Twinnie, you got this.

TWINNIE COUNT: 2

BRITTANY: That was the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten in my life.

She says as walking by a group of locals at the restaurant.

NADIYA: Twinnie, you got this. Twinnie, twinnie, twinnie, twinnie.

TWINNIE COUNT: 7

I regret this count already.

Trey & Lexi are eighth to table tennis. Trey scores a point before any other teams show up. Apparently Trey rocks at ping pong back home.

It should be noted the champ was using a clipboard which means no one has yet to beat her when both are using paddles.

We see some shots of Bund. . .The Bund.

James & Abba first search the flower wall which I guess is a tourist attraction.

James & Abba run by the woman with the abacus.

I wonder how many teams are searching for a woman standing next to a camera operator. As you can see she is just sitting there casually with her son. She is in a quite subtle position.

Ryan & Abbie are at The Bund too.

RYAN: We’re looking for a lady with an abacus. . .why isn’t she using a calculator?

Because what if there is so much smog the sun gets blocked and there is an epic power outage, and the solar-powered calculators no longer have energy to run? Abacus to the rescue!

Meanwhile, Rob is alone at the Roadblock as he defeats the champ at Stage 3: The Sauce Pan to get his next clue.

“You just experienced SCHEER willpower, champ!”

SHEILA: You scored already?! Woo!

And I think Rob is going to score again tonight.

Nadiya is eating more of the fallopian sludge. Another Twinnie is uttered.

TWINNIE COUNT: 8

Nadiya tracks each individual piece down her throat.

#FallopianDance

Nadiya yelled at Natalie for not “slamming down” the ball to beat her opponent. The table tennis table has turned as Natalie now has to yell at Nadiya “slam down” the fallopian tubes into her mouth.

Nadiya completes the Roadblock in sixth place as Rob and Kelley enter. Rob is doing the Roadblock.

A random guy in the restaurant makes a gesture that would be considered offensive in North America.

Rob really has the crowd worked up. He gets impatient and breaks a rule by picking the papaya up and guzzles the fallopian goodness down.

And then it gets guzzled back up.

Gary is at the table tennis Roadblock in tenth place. It is very quiet in there.

“It’s like my college days! Does anyone know where I can find some ‘Za for 25 cents per slice?

Gary’s victory paddle animation is the least expressive out of everyone. It’s the same expression in all three frames. I should note Gary won on Stage 2: The Clipboard.

Josh & Brent are dead last to the Roadblock. No one else is there.

This is going to become a very familiar position for this pair.

JOSH: I got it on the first one.

No way. Let’s see this footage.

Josh is the ONLY player to score a point without a handicap. No way. Josh is the best performer at this Roadblock? I refuse to believe that.

Let’s just put an asterisk next to it because the same girl was playing and she has probably been playing for three hours at this point. She screws up on the first return after the serve by having it sail over Josh’s half of the court.

“Pssst. If you take a dive, I’ll give you a full ride college scholarship courtesy of the Beekman Foundation.”

JOSH: I won a sporting event. I have never won a sporting event. Against a champion.
BRENT: A junior champion.
JOSH (mumbles): A junior champion.

“Who had been playing for three hours. . .and was tired. . .and we bribed her.”

Kelley and the crowd tell Rob not to puke.

“It’s the last thing anyone wants to hear during an eating challenge.”

Thanks, Alex.

Rob finishes the task.

ROB: I got nothing but love for your food.

Rob & Kelley stand after shaking hands with the crowd.

ROB: Where’s my clue?

“Bitch better have my clue.”

Rob & Kelley re-read the clue and see the chopsticks requirement.

“Shit.”

“Oh hell no.”

Rob eats two more fallopian tubes. Kelley says they have learned their lesson. Rob completes the Roadblock in seventh just as Lexi begins in eighth.

Jaymes & James ask the crowd at The Bund if they have seen a woman with an abacus.

We hear a very faint female voice like April Ludgate say “No.” after a pause.

Amy & Daniel are at The Bund too.

AMY: So an abacus–
DANIEL: Oh my god. Look at that skyline! Amazing!!!

Stay focused, man.

Caitlin & Brittany are at The Bund too. They run into Ryan & Abbie. Amy & Daniel find the woman with the abacus.

They read they must make their way on foot to the Bund Observatory (Signal Tower).

Phil Keoghan tells us the last team to come hang out with him will be thrown into the water.

Amy & Daniel ask a local to see a picture of the signal tower on his smartphone. Ryan & Abbie and Caitlin & Brittany run up to them if they know where the lady in red with the abacus is supposed to be.

The lady in red is not Renee Fokker, by the way.

Amy & Daniel, perhaps to gain early allies, tells them very precise directions where to go.

Ryan & Abbie and Caitlin & Brittany both get the clue for the pit stop. We then cut to Amy & Daniel running to the signal tower with Ryan & Abbie not too far behind.

And this is going to be the first controversial moment of the season.

Ryan & Abbie are about to beat Amy & Daniel in a footrace for a shot at TWO million dollars right after receiving critical help from them. That alone would piss off the audience, but the fact Ryan & Abbie are overtaking a woman who helped them AND has two prosthetic legs really pissed off the audience.

RYAN: Sorry guys. It’s for two million.

Production was hoping the two million dollars would motivate the eventual winners to donate half of the prize money to charity. Instead it led to a team taking advantage of the kindness of a woman with two prosthetic limbs.

I don’t think that’s what Production was hoping to have happen.

Phil has traded in his turtlenecks for cowboy hats.

Believe it or not, this is important later.

FIRST PLACE: RYAN & ABBIE

That was an intense reaction.

Phil reminds them about their two million dollar potential if they win the final leg. Ryan proceeds to do the most hysterical evil laugh I have ever heard on TAR. It’s like Ryan is losing his damn mind.

Where did they find this guy???

Phil says to make way for Amy & Daniel. Ryan & Abbie both commend how amazing Amy is but not Daniel.

AMY: We told you guys where it was.

SECOND PLACE: AMY & DANIEL

They were so close to winning the leg and two million dollars.

DANIEL: If we hadn’t given up the clue, we could’ve had the chance for the two mil, but that’s the type of people we are.

You know who aren’t those type of people? The team standing very conveniently to your left.

RYAN: I see Amy as more of a threat than any other woman or man running this race right now. So yeah, when we can pass them I have to take advantage of that. It’s for two million dollars at this point.

. . .You guys just kicked her ass in a short foot race. You got all of this from her eating two papayas filled with fallopian tubes and finding a woman using an abacus.

I’m a bit surprised that Ryan & Abbie would betray a strong and trusting team in the first leg for a -chance- at two million dollars. I’m sure word is going to spread very rapidly and very few teams will be eager to work with Ryan & Abbie down the road. Once teams find out you overtook the most inspirational member of the whole cast, that target is going to be very big.

But for the viewers that’s going to make for one hilarious storyline.

We call it “The Ryan Danz Kiss of Death.”

Jaymes & James see Caitlin & Brittany running. They think Caitlin & Brittany have found the lady with an abacus. We hear A LOT of Franken-editing.

Jaymes & James are so determined to overtake them that both of them hop the railing. I doubt they saved more than 45 seconds.

Jaymes stalks Caitlin & Brittany all the way to the pit stop, and then is bright enough to turn around.

JAYMES: It’s the pit stop! We’re wrong!

“Why did they follow us to the pit stop and then bolt?”

At least Jaymes & James didn’t follow through with stepping onto the mat like other misled teams in the past.

THIRD PLACE: CAITLIN & BRITTANY

No mat chat for them.

We check in on Lexi at the Roadblock.

Check the OR. You love the OR.

Rob & Sheila are ninth to the Roadblock.

Who is she?

Danielle from BB14?

Enjoy is putting it lightly.

We get to see the abacus clue too.

Sheila goes into Vacuum Mode.

James & Abba are way off track as they enter private businesses asking for an abacus.

Natalie & Nadiya are in fourth place as we get to see the pit stop clue.

As Natalie & Nadiya exit, Rob & Kelley arrive and see them.

ROB: The abacus?! Did you find her?

“If you lie to us, I’ll spew four papayas worth of fallopian tubes all over bags at the pit stop, and it’s been an awfully hot day today with little water!”

NATALIE (I think): No! Did you? We’re looking!

“No, Abba didn’t kiss anybody. What a weird question, dude. Like, oh my god Nadiya can you believe he’d ask that.”
“Oh my god Twinnie I don’t want to think about Abba kissing me, gross, man!”

FOURTH PLACE: NATALIE & NADIYA

PHIL: You’re team number four, and that’s pretty good news.
NATALIE: No, we wanted one.

I think this will be the only leg where everyone from second through to ninth and then eleventh place will be disappointed.

Sheila finishes eating the fallopian tubes in ninth place.

I swear this woman has touched or danced with every team who has finished this Roadblock. How long does she plan to stay at the restaurant?

We cut to Will doing the Roadblock.

You know it’s serious when the glasses come off.

“You’re a bum, Rocky! You’re never gonna do this, Rock!”

I haven’t seen somebody so happy to finish a meal since Bruce Bogtrotter. He has eaten the entire confection!

WILL: I have never had this much attention paid to me in my life.
GARY: We felt like rockstars.

Welcome to being White people in Asia, Gary & Will.

Gary knows The Bund is a park on the river.

SHEILA: We have to go to The Bund.
ROB: We have to find a woman counting.

(I should note it sounds like this clip is not said during the conversation we see on screen.)

Rob & Sheila are told The Bund has the Bank of China. Rob & Sheila must’ve said something about the abacus during the conversation but it went unaired.

Rob & Sheila enter a cab and head to the Bank of China on The Bund.

ROB: Was that a stroke of luck or what?

It’s not a stroke of luck, but it will be a stroke of heat if you guys get too lost and run around all day in the sun trying to find this damn thing.

Josh & Brent are last to the Roadblock. Brent is the last one there. The restaurant has become quiet.

JOSH: I never pegged you for eating fallopian tube.
BRENT: Living on the farm we eat everything we raise. Tail and snout.
JOSH: Well, when we get home we can get one if you want one.
BRENT: Now I know how good they are.
JOSH: Homegrown fallopian tube.

We’ve found our concept of season 3 of the Fabulous Beekman Boys.

That same woman is still there even encouraging those on the bottom!

Rob & Kelley are fifth to retrieve a clue from the abacus.

Are the world’s smallest binoculars really helping Jaymes or are his hands really that big?

Jaymes & James and James & Abba are stumped.

FIFTH PLACE: ROB & KELLEY

Where’d they find this guy?

Rob & Sheila enter The Bank of China. . .

. . .and exit The Bank of China.

James & Abba go from first to sixth as they finally find the woman.

Josh & Brent happen to run into a lady who knows about the lady in the red dress.

See, Rob & Sheila? THAT is a stroke of luck.

Josh & Brent go from dead last to seventh because of a massive lucky break right before the pit stop. I want you to put that in your memory bank for later.

Abba shakes Phil’s hand upon arriving at the pit stop. Has anyone ever done this before? I know teams have done it after being eliminated, but not as an initial greeting.

SIXTH PLACE: JAMES & ABBA

I really hope the rock n’ roll team can get sixth place in a row on three consecutive legs.

Jaymes & James are absolutely stumped by this. Jaymes is still using his binoculars. Jaymes’ dad is fighting cancer and working 50 hours a work simultaneously.

SEVENTH PLACE: JOSH & BRENT

They hadn’t seen a team all day. I guarantee you they thought they were out of the race. I still can’t believe a local told them where to get their clue right when they arrived.

Rob & Sheila struggle to pronounce the word ‘abacus’ as a local corrects them and says she is at The Bund not too far away. Gary & Will see Rob & Sheila.

ROB: Sheila, c’mon.
SHEILA: Do you see her?
ROB: No.

I can’t believe this is happening two consecutive season premieres.

Gary & Will see Rob & Sheila completely miss the lady with the abacus and claim a clue.

Jaymes has to pull James from being hit by the bus.

“We want to see the lady in red. . .not the Chippendale in red.”

Gary & Will run into Jaymes & James. Jaymes & James ask Gary & Will if they have the clue. Gary & Will lie to them.

JAYMES: Did you find the lady?
GARY: No, we didn’t find anyone.
JAYMES: They didn’t see her either.

Gary & Will are eager to eliminate the alpha male team and are hoping this ousts them.

“That’s so weird that front-running alpha males like us can’t find any teams who have spotted the lady with an abacus.

Trey & Lexi are searching.

LEXI: We’re looking for a lady with an acupis.

“An acupuncturist?”

Or maybe the group Incubus?

Nope, Lexi is looking for an acupis. Whatever that is.

Trey & Lexi are told where to go. Rob & Sheila call out to them as Trey & Lexi show them. I am shocked they are doing this because they are likely the bottom two teams.

Given Trey was the fastest runner by far at the Starting Line, my only guess is he thought him and Lexi would outrun out-taxi Rob & Sheila to the pit stop. Keep in mind Trey & Lexi know the next stop has to be the pit stop, but have no idea it could be a foot race.

Considering I go by the standard rule of “Contestants Aren’t As Dumb As They Appear on TV,” I’ll assume they were under the impression Josh & Brent were behind them.

Trey & Lexi and Rob & Sheila grab the final clue in ninth and tenth place. Both teams just have to run to the pit stop and Jaymes & James are going home in a massive blunder.
.
.
.
However, a minute or so later Jaymes & James run into Trey & Lexi who also tell Jaymes & James exactly where it is. There had to be an alliance or a bond already otherwise this is a huge missed opportunity to oust an alpha male team. Or Trey & Lexi were more relaxed knowing they were guaranteed to beat Rob & Sheila in a foot race.

JAMES: We must’ve gone by it twenty times!

Gary & Will step onto the mat.

Will jumps onto the mat so hard there is recoil and he loses his balance.

EIGHTH PLACE: GARY & WILL

Will’s prayers have been answered.

There isn’t any time for mat chat as Trey & Lexi are already there.

NINTH PLACE: TREY & LEXI

Trey & Lexi celebrate the end of their first leg with Gary & Will. . .they can only improve from here.

Rob & Sheila surprisingly didn’t run with Trey & Lexi to the mat evidently as they ask a local for directions. They start running. Jaymes & James are last to the abacus, and start running to the mat. Gary & Will and Trey & Lexi are still standing at the mat.

Gary & Will and Trey & Lexi chat.

TREY: I don’t think the Chippendales are gonna make it.

I think Gary will KO Trey & Lexi if they say they showed Jaymes & James where the abacus was.

We see teams run past the same flower wall but without any context as to how far away the pit stop is.

Jaymes & James are shown stepping onto the mat just before Rob & Sheila. In exit interviews, I read Rob & Sheila checked in just 15 seconds after Jaymes & James. Given the manufactured close finish from TAR 7, the Misa & Maiya blunder last season, and TAR 30’s freeze frame finish, this isn’t even the top 3 closest eliminations in a season premiere.

TENTH PLACE: JAYMES & JAMES

LAST PLACE: ROB & SHEILA

It’s always awkward when a team has to stand there while the 2nd-to-last place celebrates. . .and I assume the same is true in reverse.

ROB: In the race every second counts. . .and today fifteen of them was the difference between us going home.

We’re not going to laugh at Stassi Schroeder anymore, are we?

SHEILA: One thing I was worried about going on the race was Rob and I having conflict.

Good thing you only lasted one leg. In a way your wish was granted.

Three teams stand there awkwardly as you sulk on the mat. How awkward.

Since the goodbye message is important later, what would happen if a team was blatantly talking over her? There’s four teams who like to talk on the mat. -Somebody- had to be speaking.

PHIL: Alright, this has been a nice chat. We need to debrief for the next leg. . .so, um, Rob & Sheila, can you go now? Thanks.

 

SHEILA: I’m so glad I chose him as my partner.
ROB: You didn’t choose me. . .I chose -you.-

“You’re the Pikachu to my Ash Ketchum.”

Next Time on TAR: It’s the dreaded season preview format at the end of the first episode. Lots of spoilers were found in this preview when it aired. I’ll never understand why CBS always does this at the end of the first episode.

****

CONFESSIONAL COUNT:
TREY/LEXI 1/2
NATALIE/NADIYA 4/2
JAMES/ABBA 3/3
JOSH/BRENT 3/3
AMY/DANIEL 2/4
CAITLYN/BRITTANY 1/1
ROB/SHEILA 2/2
GARY/WILL 3/3
ABBIE/RYAN 2/3
JAYMES/JAMES 5/4
ROB/KELLEY 1/2

Here is what I feel is an accurate sample size of the complaints about the first episode of TAR 21. I can assure you 90 percent of the complaints were about Natalie & Nadiya. Definitely some racism within those complaints. Somebody actually refers to them as the Persian Twins.

Rank the Teams

1) Rob Scheer & Sheila Castle (R.I.P.)

Rob & Sheila went home in the fourth closest pit stop dash in a season premiere in TAR US history. What a hell of a stat that is.

Sadly, I believe Sheila was the third contestant to pass away after Margaretta and Nancy from TAR 1 (my apologies if my chronology is out of order here).

As I said before, Rob is the brother of fellow CBS first boot Tina Scheer from Survivor: Panama. Lumberjacks who are first boots is a strange parallel to see form.

I’m curious why Rob & Sheila were unable to work with Trey & Lexi all the way to the pit stop. They found the abacus together, but didn’t run together. Maybe Trey & Lexi helped Jaymes & James because they assumed Rob & Sheila had figure out where to go right away too.

Rob & Sheila were fifteen seconds away from overtaking a team from the first flight to the pit stop, but they just made too many critical mistakes of their own. Sometimes those big mistakes add up to losing by the narrowest of margins.

Thankfully, it didn’t impact the audience too much as Rob & Sheila were overshadowed by much stronger personalities in the cast. Sheila kept worrying they would fight all season so it makes you wonder what would happen in the second or third episode if they start having disagreements.

However, this didn’t happen so Rob & Sheila become a footnote amongst reality TV’s first boots.

Rank the Legs

1) Pasadena, California, USA -> Shanghai, China

We’re reusing a city from an earlier season. Boo.

We’re reusing table tennis from TAR 1 and a food eating challenge. Boo.

Pointless Starting Line Task. Boo.

Ten seconds of airport footage. Boo.

Double Roadblock which takes away strategy. Boo.

Thankfully, the ethical dilemmas between teams at the end of the legs, and amusing remixes on classic Chinese TAR challenges where we get to see sauce pans used as paddles and edible fallopian tubes being eaten helped balance it out.

It’s funny how much editors push the Double Your Money twist but doesn’t make much of a difference as to how people played this first leg.

If it wasn’t for the comedy, this premiere wouldn’t rank very high.

 

Team Averages
—

Below is a list of all teams from seasons I have blogged to date, ranked by racing average.

e.g. Don & Mary Jean finished 9th, 8th, 8th, 8th, and 8th. Add up the numbers and divide it by the number of legs they have played.

Therefore their average is 8.2.

Because of how long this list has become, I only show the relevant section where the eliminated team from this episode has fallen amongst the ranks of what TAR history has to offer.

Bullshit Round One/Starting Line Eliminations That Do Not Count
—
Eric & Lisa N/A
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A

— F- —

12th Debra & Steve 12.0 TAR 4
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0 TAR 3
11th Rob & Sheila 11.0 TAR 21
11th Misa & Maiya 11.0 TAR 20
11th Ron & Tony 11.0 TAR 17
11th Adrian & Dana 11.0 TAR 16
11th Preston & Jennifer 11.0 TAR 14
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0 TAR 13
11th Ari & Staella 11.0 TAR 12
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0 TAR 11
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0 TAR 10
11th John & Scott 11.0 TAR 9
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0 TAR 7
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0 TAR 6
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0 TAR 5
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0 TAR 2
11th Matt & Ana 11.0 TAR 1
10th Edwin & Monica 10.0 Only team to finish last for the first two rounds of the race TAR Asia 3
10th Yani & Nadine 10.0 Would have survived round two, but were marked for elimination and thus officially finished in last both rounds TAR Asia 4
10th Jody & Shannon 10.0 TAR Adventure 16
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0 TAR 9
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0 TAR 11
10th Neena & Amit 10.0 TAR Asia 3
10th A Black Family 10.0 TAR 8
11th Adam & Dane 10.0 TAR Australia 2