The Amazing Race Australia 2 Episode 5 Rankings: Let Dubaigones Be Dubaigones

EPISODE FIVE

EPISODE BLOG #314: Let Dubaigones Be Dubaigones

COUNTRIES VISITED

PHILIPPINES – INDIA – UNITED ARAB EMIRATES – TURKEY – FRANCE – CUBA – CANADA – CHINA – AUSTRALIA

Previously on TAR: Nine teams raced to Dubai where workmates Paul & Steve became a target and dating team James & Sarah overcame the odds to win the leg. Tonight, a heated rivalry goes too far, and more than one team will struggle to finish the leg (in contrast to nine teams who struggled to finish the last leg, Grant?). Eight teams remain; who will be eliminated eventually?

In an impressive feat, neither Lucy & Emilia’s arrest nor Kym & Donna’s extremely rare circumstances of being eliminated were not mentioned.

PREVIOUSLY ON TAR. . .MENTIONS:
JAMES & SARAH: 3
PAUL & STEVE: 3
STICKY & SAM 2
ROSS & TARRYN: 1
LUCY & EMILIA: 1
ADAM & DANE 1
KYM & DONNA 1
SUE & TERESA 1

After four episodes complete, let’s check in on all of the averages of our remaining teams:

Sticky & Sam: 2.25
Ross & Tarryn: 3.5
Michelle & Jo: 4.0
James & Sarah: 5.25
Joseph & Grace: 6.0
Shane & Andrew: 6.5
Paul & Steve: 6.75
.
.
.
.
.
.
Lucy & Emilia 9.5
Kym & Donna 5.0
Sue & Teresa 5.67

Oh fuck. I forgot. Lucy & Emilia aren’t eliminated yet despite having an average of 9.5 after four episodes.

It is especially impressive when we will soon be talking about TAR Canada 1 which only started with nine teams and the worst possible average is 9.0.

***

During the “Previously On. . .” segment, they announce teams are going to Istanbul. Have I been to Istanbul? The answer of course is yes.

Last year when I traveled around the world for eight months I did indeed visit Istanbul. It was only for about 23 hours total but I didn’t sleep once and did about fourteen hours straight of sightseeing between when I exited my hostel and when I returned to get my bags.

Turkey is perhaps the most finicky country for visas in all of Europe thanks to Belarus deciding to go visa-free. If you want to go to Turkey even for less than twenty-four hours, you must pay roughly eighty dollars Canadian online for the visa. I visited there after I spent two weeks in South Africa and was on the way to spend three hours in Athens prior to the Belgian Mole finale party.

Istanbul is a massive city with a massive population. However, I absolutely freakin’ loved it. When I jumped off my airport bus to go to my hostel at 5:30 in the morning, my stop happened to be in the square with the fountain, Hagia Sophia, and the Blue Mosque. None of the tourists had shown up yet. I fell in love with the city immediately. I went to my hostel and had a rooftop breakfast. What was funny is everyone in the hostel was talking about the upcoming episode of Game of Thrones which was supposed to air in the next few hours. It was one of the final episodes of the series.

As you can gather from a guy who has a blog about The Amazing Race, I couldn’t give less of a shit about Game of Thrones.

I wandered Istanbul for fourteen hours in perfect weather and endless crowds of people around the Blue Mosque, Hagia Sophia, the markets, and along the waterfront. Then I had to fly to Athens and linger around Athens for five hours until I checked into my AirBnB. Lastly, when I landed in Athens I had to teach for five hours in that afternoon too.

In other words, I landed in Istanbul at 3:00am Monday morning, and did not go to bed until 7:00pm Tuesday evening in Athens, Greece. I had a 90 minute nap at my hostel in Istanbul before going to the airport and slept for about 30 minutes on the plane. I do not recommend this itinerary to anyone reading this.

I looked like this by the time I went to bed in Athens.

Some people love hearing about my travel stories on here and others absolutely hate it. Let me know which camp you fall into if you haven’t told me already.

I 1000% percent recommend going to Turkey. I was supposed to do a one month trip through Turkey and Greece this summer but COVID fucked me over. I want my Capadoccia hot air balloon Instagrammy photo.

P.S. Spanish speaking tourists -love- Istanbul. I had to give directions to a ton of Hispanophone tourists to the major landmarks throughout that morning. Perhaps because it most resembles Spain’s climate within Europe.

****

Grant re-introduces us to Dubai. It was once a small shipping port and is now an expanding global city. It is home to the world’s tallest building.

By the way, this guy’s name is Grant Bowler. Thank god he keeps putting his name on the screen at the bottom of each episode. I always forget it each week.

James & Sarah, who arrived first at an undisclosed time, will depart first at 5:47am. Given that Sticky & Sam said on Twitter the previous leg finished at around 10:00pm, I think it is safe to say this was an eight hour pit stop.

NOTE: Contestants as far back as The Amazing Race 4 US have said eight hour pit stops were the worst. You spend a chunk of time recording confessionals, have a quick shower, maybe briefly wash clothes, and get in a couple hours of sleep before you begin the next leg.

If the previous leg was a NEL, I think Kym & Donna resign due to exhaustion. Eight hours wouldn’t have been enough recovery time for them.

James & Sarah read they must go to the Jumeirah Beach Hotel Marina and await the Dubai Pearl.

Grant expands upon the clue and says teams must head to the marina and await the Dubai Pearl which happens to be a traditional Arabian dhow and find the angriest skipper known to mankind for their next clue.

He looks like one of the guys who personally arrested Lucy & Emilia last leg.

SARAH: The misconception was I am the fluffy hair makeup and I hold him back.

What if the conception is correct, but Sarah can simultaneously possess endurance and a competitive edge? These two personality clusters aren’t exactly mutually exclusive.

SARAH: We do better when we focus on the things that keep us together rather than tear us apart.

Who knew a team performs better when they get along rather than when they argue.

Sticky & Sam depart second at 5:59am; Joseph & Grace do so in third at 6:09am.

GRACE: I got to learn to shut my mouth and Joseph will do all the talking.
JOSEPH: She’s learned everything she has done is wrong and everything I have done is right.

This is the closest a racer has volunteered herself for the “Do not speak unless spoken to” policy.

Luckily TAR Australia 2 is not popular in the “deceased early 20th century suffragettes” demographic.

By the way, remember when I randomly guessed Joseph & Grace might be half-Lebanese based on their physical appearance and Grace’s ability to speak Arabic?

I fucking nailed it. Michael Harmstone sent this to me after I posted the last blog.

Speaking of her Lebanon travels, Grace says when she has traveled someone else has done all of the work for her.

I like how The Amazing Race and Survivor are all about a player’s journey to truly come into their own and be a strong and powerful individual. We are five episodes in and Grace may be the first contestant to flat out say “I am an entirely dependent individual and am really coming out of my own.”

I think by episode seven Grace is going to announce she will be moving back into her parents.

James & Sarah are told the Dubai Pearl doesn’t open until 9:30am.

And I’m guessing hanging out with Joseph & Grace for three hours is not an option for Sarah.

Michelle & Jo depart fourth at 6:10am.

Michelle & Jo believe they have been misunderestimated since the start of the race.

MICHELLE: I think they are saying the twins are smarter than they look.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but Paul’s very first confessional was “the twins are the biggest threats in the race.” If anything, Michelle & Jo are playing below expectation.

“Bring it, Saunders.”

James & Sarah are alone at the marina. Sarah suggests they should disappear from the marina to prevent everyone from finding the route marker. I don’t know what good it will do since it doesn’t open for another three hours, but I guess it’s worth a shot.

They are discovered in two seconds.

STICKY: Do we need a number or anything?
JAMES: It doesn’t open until 9:30.
SARAH: Captain Obvious, mate.

What James will be in twenty years.

Sarah is pissed James didn’t want to vanish and also he gave up the hours of operation. Again, teams had nearly three hours to figure this out on their own.

Sarah walks by the teams.

STICKY: Where are they going???

Sarah scolds James.

SARAH: I was angry with you. Think about what you’re saying before you open your mouth. They’re not your best friends. They’re gonna step on your head when it comes down to it.

SARAH: They’re gonna make you look like Hey Arnold! the first chance they get. Are those people you want at your birthday party?

They walk away.

SARAH: I’ll follow like a little sheep behind you.
JAMES: Shut up, Sarah. You’re so dramatic.
SARAH: You’re not dramatic enough, mate. You’ve got your finger up your bum sometimes.

****ONE HOUR LATER****

SARAH: Jesus Christ.
JAMES: Just stop talking.
SARAH: No, I’m never gonna stop talking!

****TWO HOURS LATER***

JAMES: Let it go.
SARAH: Even if you don’t–whose team are you on? Are you on their team or on our team?
JAMES: Stop attacking me.
SARAH: If you don’t like me attacking me, then don’t do what you did before.
JAMES: I get it, Sarah. We don’t have to go on for two hours.

(RANDOM LOCAL walks by the insanity.)
LOCAL: Morning.
JAMES & SARAH (calmly and politely): Mornin’.

Shane & Andrew depart fifth at 7:04am. Shane hates giving up control to taxi drivers and trusting them. Andrew has been very frustrated by taxi drivers in the first three legs. No wonder why their best finish has been in a self-drive leg.

Shane & Andrew ask for the Jumeirah Marina.

Marina, man. They want the Jumeirah Beach Hotel Marina.

In Arabic, “marina” translates to “hotel.”

ANDREW: Uh oh.
SHANE: Don’t say uh oh Andrew or I’ll get out of the vehicle.

Even if they started playing the song “Marina Marina” by Carlos Santana, I think Shane & Andrew would’ve still been driven to the hotel.

Paul & Steve open their clue at 7:49am. They receive 143 AUD for this leg of the race. That ain’t much for a day of taxis in Dubai.

With Kym & Donna gone, Paul & Steve are going to need a new rivalry.

PAUL: It’s time for Evil Paul to come out which is the same as Sexy Paul which is the same as Normal Paul.

If Paul Montgomery was a TLC album, it would be named “EvilSexyNormal.”

Ross & Tarryn depart in seventh at 8:14am.

I think Ross lost a few hairs after the lengthy leg yesterday. Also his back is probably sore af after piggybacking Tarryn last night.

TARRYN: Any girl whose dad is their hero you admire them and look up to them and respect them no matter what–My dad always will continue to inspire me and pushes on and never gives up.
ROSS: I’m concerned Tass has greater expectations for what I can do.

Fuck. Tarryn is going to need a new hero by the end of this episode if that’s her criteria.

We cut back to Shane & Andrew. This is only the first taxi ride of the episode, and their driver takes them to the wrong marina (Dubai Marina).

SHANE: I tell you now–I am not paying you, sir. I can tell you now.
ANDREW: Hang on, we’ve got to find out where it is.

“I bet this bitch doesn’t even play cricket. I’m fuckin’ walking to the marina.”

Shane & Andrew lose their cab driver.

“Can we just take back one of those cars we used to drive ourselves last leg?”

SHANE: Our luck has to turn around at some point.

Well, just wait until Lucy & Emilia are out of the race. Otherwise you are wasting a freebie.

Shane & Andrew have a new driver and tell him they are low on money.

“We’re going to need the driver’s fingers as collateral before we get in.”

Paul & Steve make it to the correct marina.

PAUL: Suck it up kids, Paul and Steve are back.

Paul & Steve are back
And you’re gonna be in trouble
Hey La Hey La Paul & Steve are back
Look out now cause they’re coming after you
Heeeey they know what you’ve been tryin’
At the U-Turn board they know that you’ve been lyin’
They been at the back of the pack for such a long time
Hey La Hey La Paul & Steve are back

Lucy & Emilia were the ones who got arrested and have been last to every single mat this season, but yet it’s Shane & Andrew who are the subject of ridicule.

Also, I think their new driver is going to take them to the Abu Dhabi Marina.

GRACE: We were waiting for the Dubai boat. We were so bored so we wanted to muck with the teams coming through. Paul is short-tempered so he is our source of our entertainment.

Paul & Steve quietly talk amongst themselves if they are supposed to do something.

Grace is bored and doesn’t like Paul so she decides to muck with him as previously discussed.

GRACE: Read the clue. Read the cluuuuue. Read it properly guys.

GRACE: Did you grab it?

Grace mocks Paul’s confusion.

Sarah has stated publicly before that she liked Paul during the season and -hated- Grace. I think this scene right here is what pushes it over the edge.

Paul & Steve stop interacting with the teams as Grace keeps calling after them.

STEVE: Just ignore ’em.
PAUL: You can see they’re ganging up on us.
STEVE: They just picked on you.

We cut to Paul talking about being bullied.

PAUL: Growing up I had a weight problem so I had a lot of kids pick on me back in the day. It has become a strong motivation for me that I can stand up to bullies.

Being bullied in childhood doesn’t come out as a storyline until this episode, and it gives you a lot of insight into Paul’s personality and behaviour throughout the season.

While I don’t know the childhood background of every contestant in the race, I think it’s safe to say people like Joseph & Grace and Michelle & Jo likely weren’t bullied in childhood. In fact, the people who bullied in Paul probably resemble folks like Grace, Joseph, Michelle, and Jo.

I know what the mentality is like to get over bullying and/or exclusion–you want to prove those fuckers wrong as you enter adulthood and achieve success and possess a greater focus to reach your goals that it makes all of your bullies look like immature failures in the long run.

Paul just got unanimously U-Turned. He had a group of three teams tease him this morning for no reason other than the fact they think Paul is this big jerk.

Meanwhile, Paul doesn’t think himself as a jerk; he thinks himself as a competitor playing within the confines of the game. It is the other teams who are taking it too far and not playing within the parameters that he has defined for something like TAR.

In other words, being competitive and keeping to yourself is not viewed as being rude in the eyes of Paul. Meanwhile to everyone else those traits make him come off as an antisocial rude show-off douchebag.

Shane & Andrew show up to the marina. Guess how many people muck around with Shane & Andrew because they are bored at the marina?

Zero. Shane & Andrew are told to stay put and chat with their buddies.

Paul & Steve come back.

GRACE (mocking tone): Hey Paul, give me a high five.

Rejected.

GRACE: I felt bad so I said “Paul, give me five.

She forgot the part where she said it in a mocking tone, though.

It wasn’t “Hey Paul, I’m really sorry. I crossed the line for toying with you and sending you on a public goose chase to humiliate you in front of you.”

It was “I was just kiiiidding, mate. Give me a high five.”

“We’re good, right? We’re good? We’re good? We’re good? Say we’re good.”

PAUL: I’m just sick of bullying smartasses like Grace picking on people.

. . . .Lucy & Emilia really need to start doing better on the race if they want to understand all of the relevant storylines of the season before they watch it on TV. This will be all brand new to them in a few months after taping is complete.

Paul glares at Grace.

PAUL (confessional): I think bullies are petty. I think they are insecure. I think they need to justify themselves by making other people feel bad.

Grace has another offer.

GRACE: OK, I’ll give you a hug then.

PAUL: I don’t want you to touch me, Grace. You sicken me.

“Awwwww why not?”

Grace has another offer.

GRACE: OK, I’ll kiss you and you can grab my booty and I’ll give you a blowjob too.

PAUL: Ugh, no. You’re a bully. Just get away from me.

Grace has another offer.

GRACE: OK, I’ll have sex with you while Joey watches.

PAUL: No. You’re repulsive. I don’t want to talk to you again after the race is over.

Can we admire how great of a landscape shot this is with the waterslide in the background?

GRACE: Paul, we can talk in five minutes if you want.
PAUL: I’m not interested, Grace.
GRACE: Well, I’m interested.
STEVE: Well, he’s not. Seriously. Just leave it.
GRACE: OK, don’t look at me like you’re gonna kill me.

“Seriously.”

“I guess I’ll nap with one eye open.”

I think Grace wins the award for the most teasing way to offer an apology in the history of The Amazing Race. Her whole tone was as if she was mocking Paul rather than apologizing with sincerity.

It’s like we’re seeing two champions at the Antisocial Olympics dueling and the game ends in a tie after five rounds as both are awarded the gold medal.

Luckily, the Australian national anthem is played no matter what.

Everyone murmurs about the awkward atmosphere.

They board the boat.

Paul is eager to grab the clue first and separate himself from the other six teams.

It’s a Detour. Count ‘Em Up or Price ‘Em Up.

Grant drawing a lot of attention in the Dubai Souks.

COUNT ‘EM UP

In Count ‘Em Up, teams must count a sack of dried limes in a spice market square. Once they count the correct number, they receive their next clue.

You don’t get a much simpler Detour task on The Amazing Race. Since this is TAR Australia 2, I am curious what the count will be.

lol good luck everybody. I’ve seen teams repeatedly stumble with counting tasks in TAR US where it’s about 300 or 400 items.

I wonder if he was the man responsible for repeatedly verifying the count of 1, 499. I doubt it was a fun production job.

PRICE ‘EM UP

Teams must go to a gold souk. They must order seven pieces of jewelry from most expensive to least expensive.

Dare I say this task was sponsoured by Bling Lee?

Everyone chooses Count ‘Em Up instantaneously.

PAUL: I don’t want to play nice anymore. When I start running, and I run faster than anybody else. If they’re in my way, I’m going to bowl them over. They’ve made it clear they don’t like us. It reminds me too much of high school when I’m being bullied, picked on, and excluded. Time to make the smackdown on them all.

Paul & Steve starting today.

GRACE: He went too far. It’s just like. . .’relax.’ And the fact I can push his buttons I kinda like it.
JOSEPH: We’ll be looking to do that more often.
GRACE: I think we’ll definitely muck up his mind. That’s for sure.

I don’t know if it’s so much pushing his buttons or just Paul saying “eh, I’m done with those guys.” I don’t think Joseph & Grace will get the reaction they desire from Paul beyond this point.

So we are now 12 minutes and 21 seconds of running time into this episode. I only like pointing that out because. . .
.
.
.

Lucy & Emilia begin the day in last place at 9:42am! Thanks to the pit start being on a helipad, it’s the first time they have been on top all season. Not position wise, but they are physically ON TOP of the building.

Leg 1: 65 minutes behind 2nd-to-last place team. 161 minutes behind the leading team.
Leg 2: 10 minutes behind 2nd-to-last place team. 64 minutes behind the leading team.
Leg 3: 25 minutes behind 2nd-to-last place team. 65 minutes behind the leading team.
Leg 4: 88 minutes behind 2nd-to-last place team. 235 minutes behind the leading team.
Total: 178 minutes behind 2nd-to-last place team. 525 minutes behind the leading team.

I thought I should update that.

EMILIA: We’re on the bottom and we can only move up from here.

It’s like a really unintimidating Drake song.

Started at the bottom now we’re here
Started at the bottom and my team still here
Started from the bottom and we’re still stuck here
My whole team been at the bottom for a whole fucking year
Last night we all shed a big fuckin’ tear

LUCY: Dubai Pearl? Is that a boat?
DRIVER: No, it’s a building.

EMILIA: How do you wait for a building?

Lucy & Emilia are one minute into the leg and are already stumped.

LUCY: That’s true. How do you wait a building?
EMILIA: We just wait for it to be built.

“Pretty sure our taxi driver is an undercover cop taking us back to jail for suspicious activity.”

We cut to Ross & Tarryn.

TARRYN: I can’t think what these limes look like.
ROSS: They’re like lemons–
TARRYN: I know -what- a lime is, Daddy. For real?

Your little girl may be a bit old for reviewing the names of fruit, Ross.

James discusses strategy.

JAMES: We get one of these limes and just put it as a marker in a special spot and that “1” stands for “100.”
SARAH: I don’t think so.

It’s like James is pitching to a Channel 7 network executive.

Michelle & Jo are first to the Detour.

JO: We had to count a huge sack of limes. There are like thousands of them.

You can’t say thousands when the number is roughly 1, 500. That’s only 1, 000! If you say thousands, everyone presumes you mean 2, 000 or more.

There is even this big argument on the Internet about how to properly use “thousand” and “thousands” on multiple occasions.

When you say “thousands,” everyone will presume you mean 2, 000 or more.

For instance, if you say “I make thousands of dollars” then they find out you only make 1,500, they’re going to call you misleading and a liar.

In other words, Jo needs to get into a fucking math class ASAP.

JO: If you get it wrong, you’re counting those thousands again.

THOUSAND! THOUSAND!!!!

I may be a big fan of The Amazing Race, but if I was in Dubai and saw them filming this task, I don’t think I would be entertained enough to watch Australians count 1, 500 limes. It isn’t exactly action-packed.

Also, lol @ the fact there aren’t any women in this shot other than Michelle & Jo.

Michelle & Jo, James & Sarah, and Joseph & Grace are counting.

Grace isn’t counting; Joseph is counting as Grace does a tally on her handy dandy notebook.

You’re getting carpal tunnel by the end of this one, Grace.

I wish we had Lori & Bolo for another counting task. 200. . .374. . .375. . .480. . .banana.

Lucy & Emilia find the Dubai Pearl.

EMILIA: Dubai Pearl is waiting for -us.-
LUCY: We’re dead last.

That’s right. The clue presumed all of the teams would have to wait for the Dubai Pearl. Lucy & Emilia are so far behind they didn’t have to wait.

However, they are not dead last. The other teams had to wait nearly three hours.

I would instead say they are “less last.” Yes, they are still last, but just “less last” than they usually are.

Paul & Steve leave their backpacks in the trunk as they join the counting fray. Ross & Tarryn are there too.

STEVE: Don’t talk to anyone.

That’s right. No interaction. Shane & Andrew are counting out loud.

Either Michelle is plugging Jo’s ears or she is screwing on a very realistic Jo-esque mannequin.

Lefty loosey righty tighty.

PAUL: The cops are counting out quite loud and random numbers. I don’t think it was an intentional strategy; it was more of a bumbling accident.

“75. . .80. . .93. . .toenail. . .the square root of 127. . .The 1912 World Fair. . .you keepin’ track, Andrew?”

Michelle & Jo count 1513. It’s wrong.

That is one relaxed dude.

JO: I thought we had it cause we counted so slow.

Maybe you’re just slow, period.

Sticky & Sam’s driver couldn’t find the lime market so they change to the “Old Gold Souk” which is surprisingly difficult to say with an Aussie accent.

Sticky & Sam’s experience with jewelry is their ex-girlfriends asking them to buy jewelry and the two dudes refusing to do it.

You could say Sticky is a real “Stick” in the mud when it comes to buying nice things for his girlfriends.

“So this is a ring with sparkly shit on it. So it’s gotta be worth something, right?”
“Hmmmm, I think so too Sticky.”

Sticky & Sam try a combination.

“No.”

The man just blatantly laughs at their misery. He probably just finished smoking a shisha.

Joseph incorrectly guesses limes despite coming from a finance background.

It’s a montage of wrong guesses.

Sam asks for one of those. . .actually I don’t know what they’re called either, Sam. He asks for one anyway.

SAM: Not that I know what I’m looking for, anyway.

I couldn’t help but Google it either. Apparently they are called loupes.

SAM: Which way do I look through it?

“You could shove it up your ass and it would be just as useful, mate.”

“This gold chain is very white around the edges with a brown dot in the middle. . .oh wait, that’s the reflection of my eye.”

Guess what you call it when two people struggle to use one properly?

A Loupe Fiasco.

James & Sarah are incorrect. Sarah wants to use her method since James has stuffed up multiple times. James admits he gave up on pushing his strategy.

“Whatever.”

SARAH: Stop talking with me mate. Just do it.
JAMES: Sarah, you’re killing me here.
SARAH: James, say it.
JAMES: Ten! Ten!

PAUL: I am an accountant and have an IQ that puts me in the top two percent of Australia.

What about in Canada? Czech Republic? The Republic of the Congo? The Democratic Republic of the Congo? What if Aussies are really dumb and you don’t even crack the top ten or twenty percent of the national IQ in Bolivia?

Paul backs up his intellect as he and Steve are in first place.

STEVE: Anonymous U-Turn ahead. Dammit.

Lucky they’re in first.

Grant refers to it as an Anonymous U-Turn too. For some reason they don’t borrow the Blind U-Turn terminology from the American version. Latin America refers to it as an Anonymous U-Turn too. Odd.

“Don’t you mean Unanimous U-Turn?”

PAUL: I don’t know which team to isolate in particular for this U-Turn.

Paul & Steve get to exact some vengeance, however, their bags are still in the cab.

Shane & Andrew successfully count the limes and finish in second.

Shane getting a little tingly from the idea of U-Turning Paul & Steve.

It’s a showdown as the two teams see each other running to the board.

At this point everyone is assuming they will be spending the rest of the leg in Dubai. This U-Turn is expected to have a huge impact on the day. . .oh wait, Lucy & Emilia are still in this race. This U-Turn serves nothing more than to be a metaphorical middle finger to another team.

Paul & Steve are the recipients.

SHANE: Unfortunate for Steve because of Paul’s bad form earlier.. There was no need to do that with Grace.

Shane & Andrew turn around to read their next clue.

“Ha! They’ll never know it’s us! It is anonymous!”

The man with an IQ which puts him in the top two percent of Australia may or may not deduce who U-Turned him since no other teams have yet to complete the U-Turn.

PAUL: The cops U-Turned us and it wasn’t a unanimous fashion at all.

It was the Not-So-Anonymous U-Turn.

Paul & Steve are forced to do Price ‘Em Up. However, with Lucy & Emilia still trailing, I estimate they have three or four hours to make up that time give or take.

PAUL: Being U-Turned at every opportunity so far is frustrating because we’ve never ranked higher than five. I find it cowardice for the cops to U-Turn us for social reasons.

When Paul & Steve want to U-Turn somebody, you know it is going to be extremely strategic. This is why they U-Turned chronic frontrunners Sticky & Sam.

But for Paul & Steve to be U-Turned when they are middle-to-low tier every leg? Paul’s personal moral compass indicates it is just mean-spirited and needlessly personal.

People use the U-Turns for different reasons, and everyone has their own criteria for who “deserves” to be U-Turned. U-Turn the team you hate, the team you think is the strongest, or the team you guarantee you can put out of the race.

Shane & Andrew read they must now fly to Istanbul, Turkey. Grant introduces it as the only city in the world to strattle two continents.

We have the iconic Bosphoros Bridge.

A bunch of Byztanders.

And of course the legendary Hagia Sophia.

Once here they must go to the Blue Mosque. The Blue Mosque, one of my favourite landmarks, has tens of thousands of colorful tiles coloring the grand interior. Once here they must find the sultan to receive their next clue.

So majestic.

Would it kill the sultan to smile a little?

Lucy & Emilia see Paul & Steve run by.

EMILIA: Hello sexi bois!
LUCY: They can’t hear us.

They’re on a mission. Paul is -focused-. If there was a group of nude Playboy bunnies prancing around on the street having a pillow fight near a fountain, he wouldn’t even notice.

If Paul & Steve cross to the left I think Lucy’s neck is going to break.

LUCY: That was so exciting seeing other teams.
EMILIA: We love seeing other teams. It means we’re still in the race.

The last time they have seen a team was the flight from Jaipur to Dubai. It has been a solid two days. Lucy & Emilia were beginning to doubt if they were still active contestants on TAR Australia.

Michelle & Jo count the exact same wrong number. They are stunned. Michelle & Jo know it has to be one more or one lime less. They go one less. The clue is theirs.

Paul & Steve are at the gold souq. Steve has been to a few jewelry stores. Steve submits a guess. It’s wrong. Steve makes one swap in half a second and. . .

Oh. They’re already done.

PAUL: We were better off picking that challenge instead of the limes. The cops wasted their U-Turn. It set us back ten minutes if that.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, will forever go down as the most ineffective use of a U-Turn. Other than the U-Turns where a team U-Turns a team ahead of them, this is the only one where a team only fell one position out of a possible seven.

Sticky picked the wrong teammate for this task.

Sticky & Sam keep making swaps until they receive their clue in fourth place.

Michelle & Jo read they must fly to Istanbul, Turkey.

We get to see the clue.

Paul & Steve are third to the U-Turn clue box. They can’t help but notice the abundance of clues.

Ross & Tarryn complete the Detour in fifth place.

Michelle & Jo make one of the smartest airline moves in TAR history–they picked up an Air Emirates timetable and have the pamplet which shows the daily flights to Istanbul.

It’s the most useful handbook to have since Biff had the Sports Almanac from 2015 in Back to the Future II.

Jo quickly books the flight while she is constipated in the taxi.

Sticky & Sam and Ross & Tarryn have their clues in fifth and sixth.

Lucy & Emilia are ecstatic to see Joseph & Grace and James & Sarah. Knowing their position is on the line, Sarah attempts a tactic to piss off the other two teams.

SARAH: Four. . .six. . .eight. . .TEN!

SARAH: No.

JAMES: She started counting loudly.
SARAH: Very loud.

SARAH: TEN!!!!!

“TEN!!!!!!!!!”

Emilia is ready to knock her ass out.

“I regret wanting to see other teams.”

James & Sarah try the impossible art of arguing while counting.

Joseph & Grace are wrong.

JUDGE: Wrong.
GRACE: Wrong? You’re wrong!

The judge doesn’t react to Grace as much as Paul does.

Joseph & Grace switch TEN! to the other Detour TEN! task because they find the TEN! task to be too difficult for an accountant.

Shane & Andrew see Paul & Steve at the Detour.

SHANE: Hey boys!

Paul ignores them.

SHANE: Don’t be upset, boys! Paul not looking at me. He doesn’t wanna talk to us!

It’s too late. Paul & Steve have now joined the #DefundThePolice movement. That U-Turn truly backfired.

SHANE: You don’t want to talk to us? You don’t wanna have a chat? C’mon Big Guy. We want to tell you why we did it.

PAUL (confessional): I thought it was rather patronizing. Don’t do it then feel sorry for us.

Paul & Steve ignore Shane & Andrew much like they did with Grace.

SHANE: Didn’t even wanna look at me.
ANDREW: He wasn’t up for a chat.
SHANE: Oh well. That’s his problem. Not ours.

As Naughty By Nature said at their Emirates concert, if you want to stop hurting you must let Dubaigones be Dubaigones.

But Paul doesn’t play like that. Instead the rest of the season will play out more like this:

 

Michelle & Jo are at the airport too and ask for the seats closest to the front of the plane.

Joseph & Grace are at the Gold Souk.

JOSEPH: Least expensive to most expensive.
(GRACE puts the least expensive jewelry in the most expensive slot.)

See, this is why their strategy has usually been to keep Grace as far away from any task as possible.

JOSEPH: No, Grace. You’re not reading the clue right.
GRACE: No, Joey it’s least expensiiiive–
JOSEPH: It’s cheapest to most expensive. You gotta have it in order. Read the clue right.

Grace becomes the first contestant to be physically removed from a task by her partner.

We call it the Anti-Canaan Move.

Speak Unless Spoken To is being put back into effect very soon.

Don’t worry Grace, Megan Linz sympathizes with you.

Meanwhile, Emilia tries to charm the judge by adding a smiley emoticon at the end of her guess.

Lucy & Emilia are wrong.

LUCY: We’re wrong?!

This is why they are language teachers instead of math teachers.

James & Sarah submit another guess too.

Sarah tries to charm the judge too.

Joseph & Grace complete the Detour in sixth.

James & Sarah are at the Gold Souk.

Sarah tries on the jewelry.

Sarah doing her best to become Mrs. Bling Lee.

Lucy & Emilia submit their guess. It’s correct.

Not finishing in last is like winning the leg for Lumelia.

Fuck, Emilia is busting out more #WhiteGirlDanceMoves.

Joseph & Grace laugh at the U-Turn board when they see Paul & Steve’s faces.

“She bullied him during the search of the Dubai Pearl and now she is LAUGHING at him! And that’s rude!”

GRACE: Poor little boy.

Grace starts making out with Paul’s picture for some reason.

GRACE: It was the best picture to see on the board. Paul had been really rude to me and it bit him in the butt.

“Paul had really been really rude to me after I belittled him and offered an insincere apology and teased him in front of everyone. . .it really bit him in the butt! You got your comeuppance, good sir!”

I mean, it’s nowhere to the extreme that Tyler Oakley bullied me on the Internet four years ago, but it’s up there.

Nothing makes a trailing team happier than a late leg equalizer.

LUCY: I don’t think that Botox and James could have done the jewelry task that quick.

I don’t know if Lucy & Emilia realize her real name is Sarah.

James & Sarah deflect each other’s hands during the jewelry task.

They are like siblings rather than Cougar & Cub.

It only took two tasks in the same city for James & Sarah to fall from first to eighth place.

The other seven teams are at the airport.

We have a suspicious flight delay which allows all eight teams to get on the same flight. The U-Turn was a waste. Michelle & Jo’s Flight Attendant Almanac was a waste. Stressing over limes was a waste. Misdirecting Paul to fire him up with intense laser focus as well as U-Turning him twice in the span of fifteen hours was also a waste too.

~ONLY FLIGHT (6:55PM ARRIVAL)~

Away to the City of Two Continents!

They land at the now defunct Ataturk Airport. I happened to use the airport shortly before closure.

There is a big crowd waiting at the airport. Everyone gets into cabs.

JOSEPH: We’re neck and neck with Steve & Paul. Grace’s archenemies.

STEVE: It’s Grace & Joe. Your favourites.

Steve and Joseph can’t help but point out the rivalry.

Everyone is in the square with the Blue Mosque. Nearly everyone is running aimlessly trying to find the route marker.

That is a narrow corridor for sixteen people to sprint through.

PAUL: I’m trying to keep pace with the group and spinning around in all directions.

We hear this loud scream as everyone is running.

PAUL: Grace was on my side and actually knocked her over. Of all the people I accidentally had to knock over, it had to be her.

That’s right. Paul physically collides with Grace and she gets completely knocked over. However, Grace can’t use the oxen cart defense of “I wasn’t doing anything–you ran into me” quote since she was running too. Both players were laser focused and collided big time.

JOSEPH: You can’t do that.
GRACE: You’re an idiot!
JOSEPH: What are you doing?!
PAUL: I was–
JOSEPH: What are you doing?!
GRACE: You’re an idiot!

Emilia immediately steps in to sequester Grace as she screams at him.

No, he’s just that competitive.

EMILIA: Paul was speeding through and he would’ve knocked down anyone. All I saw was Grace taking a really bad fall.

This went unaired, but Shaq was running with them and actually fell a moment earlier and injured his knee because of a collision with Paul. He didn’t have an icy hot sleeve on him so he had to quit the race. Oh, the things you don’t know behind the scenes!

PAUL: I said I was sorry, Grace.
GRACE: That’s so low. You’re so small!

See, Paul is being ten times more sincere in contrast to Grace’s “Pauuuuuul, I’m going to give you a biiiiiiiiig hug. Don’t be mad, Big Boy,” attempt from the morning.

PAUL: I did make a sincere effort to apologize; I didn’t want her to be hurt.

GRACE: It shows everyone just how weak and little and just a piece of dirt he was.

I dunno about weak, Grace. I mean, you went -flying-. It’s too bad the camera operators are carrying thirty pound equipment and couldn’t capture the fall. If you’re complaining that much about the fall, I think Paul has got some muscle on him.

MICHELLE: Between the fall this morning and the fall and put two and two together–
JO: It came across pretty bad.

It wasn’t the prettiest of days on The Amazing Race Australia 2.

Somebody needs to warn the Sultan to be careful because Paul might bowl him the fuck over too. KABOOM!

Paul & Steve are first to the sultan despite the fact Paul had to clobber through a 120 pound barrier to get there.

It’s a Roadblock.

ROADBLOCK HINT: Whose memory won’t go to water?

Paul, Jo, Grace, Sarah, and Lucy are all doing the Roadblock.

JAMES: It’s yours.
SARAH: Oh dear.

Some are more reluctant than others.

They must go to the Hagia Sophia. Yes, -the- Hagia Sophia. It was originally a church then a mosque then a museum and now it is a mosque once again.

Grant is allowed to be in there alone.

Teams must memorize eight symbols of Arabic names. They must then race on foot to the Basilica Cistern and align the eight symbols in the correct order. They will only be allowed to return to the Hagia Sophia once to look at the symbols again. Once all eight symbols are aligned, they will receive their next clue.

CAUTION: Blood-sucking leeches ahead.

Have fun, Sarah. Don’t be barefoot for this task.

Emilia isn’t even doing this task and she is disgusted.

I don’t mind one or two memory challenges per season, but not a million of them like TAR Canada.

Sam, Ross, and Andrew are doing the Roadblock.

It should be noted they go to Hagia Sophia back when it was still a museum. It hadn’t converted back into a mosque until less than a year ago.

JO: Sir, do you know where Hagia Sophia is?

“Hagia Sophia????? Never heard of it.”

CAUTION: Beware of raccoons too.

Paul is first into the Hagia Sophia.

PAUL: The museum was so majestic and so elegant. I wish I had more time to take it all in but I am very focused on the task at hand.

Paul at first thought all of the symbols looked very similar. He decides to focus on the differences in the corners.

JO: I am very good at photographic memory.

The English teacher in me wants to shout “I -have- a very good photographic memory.”

“I am very good at photographic memory but I not well at English grammar.”

Grace is third to the museum.

GRACE: The first dash was diamond. Diamond. A girl loves diamonds. That’s a girl’s number -one- priority in life.

And this is why Sticky & Sam are both single. Also, Joseph has looked so fucking stoned and/or ripped in every confessional this whole episode. Did a poltergeist fucking possess him?

Paul is at the Basilica Cistern. I can assure you these cisterns are very close to the Hagia Sophia and Blue Mosque. I wish I had time to go through the cisterns in Istanbul. Twenty hours wasn’t enough.

Paul, Jo, and Grace are all at the Basilica Cistern too.

“I wonder where these leeches are?”

Jo is staring at the symbols.

Jo has effectively turned into a Psyduck from Pokemon.

Lucy is at the Hagia Sophia.

LUCY: In my head there was a dome. Like that–
EMILIA: I’m sure you missed that. It was a -dome-.

Jesus Christ, Italians.

LUCY: Like eight circular discs. In my head it wasn’t what it was.

“Where is this dome????”

LUCY: The dome was the dome on the ceiling. The ceiling dome.

Lucy is blindsided by the clue referring to the ceiling dome. I presume she thought there would be like a big dome model on a table or on the floor somewhere.

Or the Vanilla Dome from Super Mario World.

Lucy exits the Hagia Sophia.

LUCY: I have no idea at all.

The first five episodes of TAR Australia 2 summed up for Lucy & Pelosi in one sentence.

Sam is now in the Hagia Sophia. He catches on to look into the air. Andrew thinks three of the symbols have very minor differences.

The worst part is Lucy didn’t even have to look that high to see the symbols.

It sounds like a code to a video game.

Only if that video game code was as simple as Konami’s “A-B-B-A.”

Sarah makes up a song to put the pictures in order in her mind.

Sarah couldn’t help but throw in a disco move too.

I’m wet already.

Paul discusses the order of the symols.

PAUL: The first one was an egg. Then an E. Then a P. Then a PP.
STEVE: You realize you just said PP?

It’s too bad they didn’t air the confessional where Steve calls Grace a doodoo head.

Ross and Michelle talk about how they couldn’t do this task.

It’s a good thing Paul and Grace are doing this task otherwise they be awkwardly standing together.

Grace is the first to submit a guess.

This is the graphic we will see for all of the guesses.

It is nearly identical to the Macau Zodiac task. The task ended with Mo & Mos taking a four hour penalty as well as Anne-Marie & Tracy quitting to guarantee their elimination.

Grace has to go back to the Hagia Sophia and tells Joseph she didn’t memorize the symbols.

Joseph doesn’t have the right to be upset–he couldn’t cound a bunch of limes.

Paul gets judged by a cloaked man for the first time.

He looks like he just came from a seance.

It’s only Paul’s first guess and he has it right.

PAUL: I think we’ve got major threat written all over us now.

You mean being U-Turned twice in the span of 15 hours and jumping from a chronic 5th place or lower position up to a permanent lead? That might do it.

Paul has to put his hand into the leech-filled Medusa crypt to retrieve the clue. Aussies do tend to be a leech on society.

Teams must walk to the Archaeological Museum and houses over 1, 000, 000 objects. The lsat team to check in here to this pit stop may be eliminated.

Another innocent Byztander.

I understand why this needed to be filmed at night. Blue Mosque, Hagia Sophia, and Archaeological Museum are all -very- busy during daytime. Considering teams probably didn’t get to the Blue Mosque until roughly 9:00pm at night, it was the best way to thin out the congested areas in Istanbul.

Jo completes the task in second place.

All hail Zangief!

Jo tries to avoid touching the leech-infested clue as much as possible.

They make it a suspenseful showdown to the pit stop.

FIRST PLACE: PAUL & STEVE

Paul & Steve establish two records with a leg win this episode–

a) They are the first team to be U-Turned and win the same leg in an -English- language version of TAR
b) Out of all of the teams worldwide to win a leg when U-Turned, Paul & Steve did so with the highest number of teams remaining.

Grant informs them they have won a trip to the Australian Rally Championship and drive alongside a professional driver.

I think Honda didn’t expect to be sponsouring such a controversial episode.

Paul says being U-Turned two days in a row has fired him and Steve up hence why they slaughtered every challenge today.

PAUL: And we want to stay there.

That’s right. We’re now entering the Paul & Steve era of the season. Sticky & Sam’s reign is now done.

SECOND PLACE: MICHELLE & JO

Michelle & Jo once again don’t get a mat chat.

At the Roadblock, the teammates sitting out wonder how tough this is.

EMILIA: Lucy has a crazy good memory but I reckon this is too hard for her.

*”This is an Amazing Race challenge. I reckon this is too hard for her.

We get a good group shot of everyone in the water.

Lucy puts in a really good guess for not knowing what she was supposed to be looking at in the Hagia Sophia.

Lucy returns to the Hagia Sophia and walks out.

LUCY: I’ve already forgotten ’em.

A four hour penalty may be in Lucy’s future.

The crew plays the waiting game. Screw it, the waiting game is lame. Let’s play Hungry Hungry Hippos!

Sam submits a guess. It’s wrong. Ross says his mind is playing tricks on him.

Sam, Ross, and Andrew are back at the Hagia Sophia.

SAM (casually): Two snakes? No. Two dongs.

Aren’t dongs and snakes the same shape???

Where are the two dongs?????????? Is Sam having a Freudian moment?

ANDREW: One I called a snake and one I called Wobbly because it didn’t look like anything else.

Sarah keeps failing with her combinations.

Grace then Sam are done seconds apart (or the edit makes it appear that way) in third and fourth place.

Andrew completes the Roadblock in fifth place.

“Ripper!”

We are down to three teams. Two of the three former leg winners are in this cluster (Ross & Tarryn and James & Sarah) and Lucy & Emilia. Needless to say Lucy looks to be doomed in this scenario.

The Dementor rejects Lucy once more.

Athletes may or may not beat an accountant and. . . well, whatever Grace’s job is in a foot race every time.

THIRD PLACE: STICKY & SAM

FOURTH PLACE: JOSEPH & GRACE

Surprisingly, there isn’t any mat chat with Grace over the Paul situation.

Andrew flashes some unknown gang sign upon hitting the mat.

FIFTH PLACE: SHANE & ANDREW

Lucy starts freaking out after being rejected again.

Oddly enough this is the same expression she had when bombarded by machine guns yesterday.

Lucy retreats to Emilia. She is frustrated because she can’t check again.

Given everything that has happened in five episodes, taking the four hour penalty would be a very humiliating conclusion for Lucy & Emilia.

Lucy, Ross, and Sarah are all taking breaks. Ross’ frustration is at its peak.

Ross goes into the shadows of the Cistern and is never seen again.

This is a far cry from being the team who won the first leg of the race.

Overall, this episode has had a much different energy from the first four episodes. There is a lot of heated emotion and despair all throughout the episode.

So strategy comes into play big time and it really is no different from the Macau Zodiac task in TAR Australia 1.

a) You take the four hour penalty ASAP and gamble on one of the other two teams eventually quitting the task out of pure exhaustion
b) You worry a four hour penalty will be impossible to make up if there is another leg without any equalizers in Istanbul the next day, and assume you can have a lucky combination within the next hour or two.

James & Sarah go with Option A and take the four hour penalty.

Then moments later in a moment of disbelief. . .

How. Do. They. Keep. Doing. This.

Lucy & Emilia really are lucky racers. Lucy & Emilia have only beaten one team to the pit stop which didn’t have a penalty nor quit the race.

In fact, if you look up the definition of the word lucky in the dictionary, you will see a picture of Lucy & Emilia.

And if you flip a few pages, you’ll see the definition of the word nostalgia and a picture of Bill & Ted!

EMILIA: We are excited to not be last, but devastated as to who we left behind.

 

“Can we get our Salvage Pass back? k thx.”

“SIXTH PLACE”: JAMES & SARAH

Unlike Adam & Dane, this penalty will not be a shock.

“Soooo. . . .you wanna play 20 Questions?”

I have a feeling she is the only one who can call him Jim.

We now check in on Ross.

Yikes. Thankfully he has an additional four hours to figure this out.

Ross no longer has the option of taking the four hour penalty. A four hour penalty guarantees elimination. There is no buffer.

ROSS: I’m not doing it again. We should have just taken the four hour.

They read the clue.

ROSS: Archaeological Museum. Do not delay.

“But if you are going to delay, how about you delay by four whole fucking hours?”

Lucy & Emilia step onto the mat.

GRANT: Lucy & Emilia. . .you’re team number six!

I love the shock in Grant’s voice.

SIXTH PLACE: LUCY & EMILIA

They finally did it. They’re not dead last nor second-to-last.

I haven’t seen a curse like this broken since Caveman brought Zero to drink from God’s Thumb.

Five episodes in and Lucy & Emilia have only beaten -one- team to the mat who didn’t quit nor have a penalty out of a possible thirty-nine teams.

I repeat: 1/39 teams have been defeated by Lucy & Emilia without a penalty nor forfeit.

And they are NOT eliminated. That’s insane.

James & Sarah are probably under the assumption Ross & Tarryn didn’t take the penalty. There was no incentive for them to do so.

Ross & Tarryn step onto the mat. James & Sarah are immediately summoned. Grant explains the situation–his parents are on a three week vacation. Nah, just kidding.

SEVENTH PLACE: JAMES & SARAH

James & Sarah’s strategy worked. Their early acceptance of the penalty saved their asses today.

Granted putting away the rare father-daughter TAR combination weighs on Sarah’s conscience.

LAST PLACE: ROSS & TARRYN

They’re ready to be eliminated.
.
.
.
Psych! It’s a Non-Elimination Leg! We get our only assessment of the Marked for Elimination penalty for the season as Lucy & Emilia weren’t assessed with it due to the Salvage Pass, and our final NEL of the season will be a Keep On Racing leg where for some reason they don’t enforce a penalty for the last place team.

James & Sarah are relieved they aren’t absolutely fucked if the next leg stayed within Istanbul, and would have been forced to try and make up a four to six hour deficit on all of the teams.

Spoiler alert, but what Ross & Tarryn don’t realize is that this will be the worst structured NEL in TAR history because of a twist that comes next round.

But for now let them celebrate in ignorance.

TARRYN: There’s a massive task ahead of us, but we’ll give it our all and see it through to the end no matter what.

“Unless it’s another challenge at the Basilica Cistern–then we’ll throw in the fucking towel even harder and faster than we did the first time. But other than that, we’re definitely not quitters!”

These two teams won’t be able to get rid of each other for a while. They will become very familiar with one another.

Next Time on TAR: “The teams are getting steamy (and sticky). On the most surprising leg yet, one false step could cost one team everything including Sam’s virginity.”

WRAP UP

So some logistical points I need to make about this episode:

1) That flight was probably forced to be delayed as I said earlier. Hagia Sophia and Blue Mosque are major attractions in a very congested area. It is no coincidence the plane was delayed so it didn’t land until after sundown in Ataturk Airport.

2) I am curious what the time limit really was for the Roadblock. In the episode, Ross is made out to simultaneously be a quitter and a dumbass for not trying every single combination until production would shut down the task. He knew he had four hours. Try every permutation possible rapidly and you’re bound to get lucky within four hours. If the location shut down within an hour or two, typically you only get a one hour or two hour penalty and also beat James & Sarah that way.

3) This leg must have finished late because I refuse to believe Istanbul is that desolate. The only city I have been in which rivals the level of foot traffic walking around Manila is Istanbul in certain areas.

4) This is the sneakiest Non-Elimination Leg because there is a twist in the next leg which essentially makes this leg an elimination.

5) Yes, everyone online says the next episode is the worst of the season. In my opinion, it is the only ‘bad’ episode of the season. I agree. It’s shit. We’ll get there in the coming week.

NEXT TIME ON. . .MENTIONS:
JAMES & SARAH: 1

 

~CONFESSIONAL COUNT~
SHANE & ANDREW 4/7
MICHELLE & JO 7/10
STICKY & SAM 2/3
JAMES & SARAH 8/9
ROSS & TARRYN 9/4
LUCY & EMILIA 7/6
JOSEPH & GRACE 2/5
PAUL & STEVE 13/5

 

RANK THE LEGS

1) Jaipur, India -> Dubai, United Arab Emirates

Must Vote U-Turn.

The team who has been dead last in all three legs gets arrested while in dead last. . .and still survives the leg.

A task making its TAR debut.

Teams struggling with both sides of the Detour.

A fun mini challenge with funny visuals.

Lucy & Emilia doing everything with funny visuals.

A leg so difficult that teams are racing the whole day and a team gets eliminated while sleeping their car.

A proper flight scramble where teams were on separate flights.

Take all of these sentence fragments together and you have one of the best episodes in TAR history. Sure, there was an unaired absailing task, but in a 49 minute episode where a single second isn’t wasted, production had no choice but to draw the line somewhere.

Yes, I’ll admit the horse racing task was a bit lame but it fit in with Dubai’s artificial extravagant culture and led to the absurdity of piggybacking at midnight for a few teams.

Also, Lucy & Emilia survive with a next-to-last or last place finish for the fourth episode of the season marking one of the biggest upsets in the history of the show worldwide.

I challenge you to find a better episode of TAR.

2) Sydney, Australia -> Manila, Philippines

Iconic backdrop for the first leg of the season. Sue & Teresa’s aura cleansing spray. Sarah’s rahrah skirt and hunners not suited for mudpits nor urban running. Sticky & Sam running out of their money after the first cab ride of the season. Traffic Jam puzzle forcing teams to interact with each other was a great way to start. The mental struggle of eating baluts to determine who gets which bus was fun to watch. Seeing teams run around in a pigpen filled with mud trying to catch pigs was decent comedy for the first episode. Sure, a subjective dancing task always sucks but at least there was only one team who could barely complete it. Lastly, assembling your own raft and paddling to the pit stop a very long distance really pushed teams to their limits and tested their skill set. Seeing an alpha male team be -this- close to throwing in the towel and quitting after dominating the first 90 percent of the episode nearly made it an incredible ending. However, the ending of having a team you would expect to go home first to be saved by the dilemma of the Salvage Pass was a decent ending too.

This premiere absolutely destroys any TAR premiere between 14-20 out of the water. I don’t care how big of a blunder Misa & Maiya made last season to make my jaw drop.

3) Delhi, India -> Jaipur, India

Teams are all put on the same bus to Jaipur for the pit start. An unusual move as it meant teams didn’t have to plot their way to figure out how to get to Jaipur. This will become an increasing trend in TAR over the years where the transit between cities and countries are taken out of the racers’ hands.

However, I highly appreciate the fact the pit start times were honoured and there weren’t any equalizers.

Editors left out the Detour of Nails or Coals due to there being two Roadblocks, the ceremony, and the pot task. Ten teams were still left and only 47 minutes of airtime. You could be like TAR Canada and cram every single task into a 40 minute episode so you don’t get to know the teams or you can significantly slow down the pace. I’m glad TAR Australia 2 went with the “Less is More” approach because we had A LOT of character moments this leg.

The cast delivered as all nine teams had memorable moments this episode. Paul sabotages the oldest team in the race but gets his ass kicked by them all the way to the pit stop. That’s hilarious.

Lucy & Emilia are dead last most of the leg but a blunder by a frequent frontrunner of all three legs allows them to survive another round. That’s just glorious.

Sarah and Grace’s rivalry keeps growing.

Sticky & Sam emerge as the biggest threats in the game after winning back-to-back legs easily.

The driving Roadblock was way too easy as everyone received their clue on the first attempt. I understand why producers did it this way but it was ultimately a pointless task where the only skill was driving fast enough on the road to make up time on leading teams.

The pot task was a more creative task as your speed getting to the market wasn’t as important as making sure you didn’t break 15 or more pots. It presented a dilemma of just flying through it and accept you’ll be assessed a fifteen minute penalty, or you are meticulous and hope you don’t serve the fifteen minute penalty.

I liked the stairmaster task.It’s an interesting landmark and there was a lot of skill involved. It was a life-sized puzzle.

The unofficial final task of the leg was not getting ripped off by your tuktuk driver. It’s why traveling through third world countries should be a mandatory requirement for every season of The Amazing Race ever.

4) Manila, Philippines -> Delhi, India

Paul’s storyline is quietly set up more and more in this episode as he pisses off Michelle & Jo, he refuses to help Shane & Andrew, and takes full advantage of Lucy & Emilia’s free advice.

The abundance of leaderboard changes established this season as being more competitive than most. Despite a 47 minute running time, it was clear a lot of interesting events were left on the cutting room floor.

This round loses a few points due to stealing two super recent TAR US tasks (Bollywood dancing from the end of TAR 20 which just aired and the feces patties from TAR 18’s India visit) as well as having another subjective dancing challenge. All of the teams were all stuck on the same flight and then the day was halted due to an Hours of Operation sign at the Turban Well.

James & Sarah got into the first of many fights this season as they fought for TWO DAYS over a bottle of soda. Sarah was once again ill-equipped for the conditions in India but made it through.

Lucy & Emilia instantly became legendary underdogs as of this episode as they were last to the mat yet again but were also miraculously saved yet again due to the two biggest recruits of the season getting ousted from a penalty.

The Bollywood acting scene made me chuckle. Sadly TAR Canada will run script challenges into the ground, but here it was refreshing and new.

Sticky & Sam going from defeat at a Detour task to somehow winning this leg amongst eleven teams was a big story for this episode, and begins Sticky & Sam’s path of being the biggest threats of the season.

Once again the biggest strength of this season is the array of characters and how fun they are to all watch. That’s not something said often after about TAR 12 or 13.

5) Dubai, UAE -> Istanbul, Turkey

The two Turkey legs are at the bottom of my rankings. However, the gap between the first Turkey leg and the second is quite a massive gap.

I don’t like how the U-Turn was rendered pointless since everyone was shoved onto the same flight.

I didn’t like how you could only check the Hagia Sophia twice. I know the Hagia Sophia is very difficult to keep private for a TV show for more than a couple hours and why this leg had such a restricted time window, but I wish they allowed for a team to check a third time after a two hour gap or something.

Seeing Ross & Tarryn go from being the best on Opening Day to now being a team who quit in leg five is quite the tragic fall. I think a combination of a very long leg in Dubai, a short pit stop, and then the lime counting challenge before being stuck in the Basilica Cistern depleted Ross of his motivation to be competitive. Taking the four hour penalty in the Cistern was the equivalent of forfeiting the race. The -only- reason there was to taking the four hour penalty is if he assumed it would be a NEL. I mean, it was a NEL, but we’ll soon find out it is an extremely misleading NEL.

This leg revolved a lot around drama. It sets up Paul as the biggest character of the season as he has everyone except James & Sarah and Lucy & Emilia on his Shit List. The scene where Grace teases him about the clue in front of all of the other teams is one of the most mean-spirited scenes I have seen in all of TAR. Some have argued that Grace becomes the villain of the season here and not Paul. I can’t help but agree. The drama gets taken to the next level when Paul’s laser focus leads to him accidentally bowling over Grace. It is not taken well by a group who is mostly Pro-Grace. If Paul wasn’t isolated before, he certainly was after this episode with one exception.

Also, Lucy & Emilia’s neverending perseverance and determination to complete every leg saved them for the fourth leg in a row. It goes to show you how far you can go into the race if you refuse to break the rules nor quit a task.

And yes, we get one of the rare night legs in the TAR catalogue. They are not common anymore.