The Amazing Race Australia 2 Episode 4 Rankings: Arrested Development

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EPISODE FOUR

Episode Blog #313: Arrested Development
COUNTRIES VISITED

PHILIPPINES – INDIA – UNITED ARAB EMIRATES – TURKEY – FRANCE – CUBA – CANADA – CHINA – AUSTRALIA

Previously on TAR: As teams hit the streets in Jaipur, India, a run-in with Paul & Steve left Kym & Donna reeling. Flatmates Sticky & Sam made it two legs in a row. Hairdressers Sue & Teresa tripped up at the steps challenge and finished last. Like, actually last and not “oh wait, Lucy & Emilia are still in the race and we forgot them” last.

PREVIOUSLY ON TAR. . .MENTIONS:
JAMES & SARAH: 2
STICKY & SAM 2
PAUL & STEVE: 2
ROSS & TARRYN: 1
LUCY & EMILIA: 1
ADAM & DANE 1
KYM & DONNA 1
SUE & TERESA 1
We get the classic India soundtrack that I swear plays in every India leg since TAR 4 in Mumbai. I don’t know who produced the soundtrack, but he is the only fan on the planet who was excited by how frequently TAR visited India for the first twelve or thirteen years of the franchise.

If you have ever wondered what the world record is for most people standing on a wagon, the answer is about 25.

If you have also ever wondered what the world record is for most people standing on a wagon while Paul is driving a stick shift, the answer is also about 25.

“I wasn’t moving–that tuktuk killed everyone and ran into me.”

It’s tough to sleep when you have two obnoxious men playing flutes right in your ear.

Grant re-introduces Jaipur as the Pink City and as the capital of Rajastan.

I wonder what Grant was up to the past twenty-four hours? He doesn’t have to worry about how much money he is saving or strategizing for the next location. Does he just hit up the clubs and get shitfaced if it is a longer pit stop? I mean, he isn’t a producer or anything like Phil tries to be nowadays. All he has to do is look presentable at the pit stop and do a twenty second synopsis of three of the tasks.
Sticky & Sam, who arrived first at an undisclosed time, will depart at 1:37pm. Based on the time when all of the teams appeared to arrive at the end of the last leg, I assume it was a 24 hour pit stop.

Sticky & Sam have adopted a third teammate. They are no longer an all-male team.

Sticky & Sam read they must fly to Dubai via Delhi which is home to some of the tallest skyscrapers in the world. Once in Dubai, they must search the airport car park for their next clue.

The Burj Wiz Khalifa has been completed since its unfinished appearance in TAR 15.

The winners of this leg of the race receive a one night stay in the Burj Al Arab. Please note a one night stay exceeds TAR Canada’s entire season budget.

GRANT: But before flying out. . .

Wait??? There’s more?!

GRANT: Teams are required to play their hand at the very first must-vote U-Turn.

YES! YES! IT’S FINALLY HERE! My favourite twist since the weekly Fast Forwards from the first four seasons. It’s the most functional and logical variation of the U-Turn/Yield twist in TAR history! I’VE BEEN WAITING NINE YEARS AND 313 EPISODE BLOGS TO TALK ABOUT THIS!!!!

The twist originated in Hamerotz LaMillion (Israeli TAR which I -think- is also produced by activeTV) and they use it on almost every leg. Later TAR China (Celebrity editions 2014-) and TAR Philippines (aired the same year as TAR Australia 2) have used this twist too.

As for us Anglophones though?

TAR Canada has never used it in seven seasons.

TAR Asia has never used it in five seasons.

And TAR US waited THIRTY-ONE seasons before using this twist. I know it feels like it has been eons since TAR 31 aired on TV, but yes they did use a dumb variation of it.

TAR Australia 2 uses the standard version of this twist: Everyone votes in secret for who they want to U-Turn. Highest vote-getter doesn’t know they have been U-Turned until they see the U-Turn board.

TAR US 31: Everyone draws lots to determine a random order of voting -publicly-. In other words, voting first means you are screwed because you are firing the first shot. The two highest vote-getters are U-Turned.

What’s funny is TAR Australia 2 is the final season to air before TAR 21. In TAR 21, Natalie & Nadiya break the Double U-Turn format where you U-Turn your desired target and then your alliance U-Turns you to ensure your target is the only one who is U-Turned. It would take ten seasons before Bertram, Elise, and Co. realize Triple Deaf Blind U-Turns just don’t work anymore.

Hamerotz LaMillion does an even better version of this twist nowadays where the team who receives the most votes then gets to decide who is also U-Turned. It adds in a classic “Do we U-Turn somebody we can beat or do we U-Turn someone who stabbed us in the back?”

Another reason I really like this twist is because is everyone -has- to vote. Nobody can try to improve their image on social media by refusing to U-Turn due to ethical reasons. You are obligated. It’s mandatory. You have one bullet and somebody is getting blasted right in the fucking temple (which is funny because I think this vote is taking place in a temple).

Sticky & Sam are first to vote.

The team who has been taunting everyone and got into a nasty feud with the eldest team last leg may or may not be U-Turned by an 8-1 vote today. Sticky & Sam waste zero time making this decision.

Ross & Tarryn depart second at 1:39pm.

You know a team who wouldn’t voluntarily use a U-Turn? How about the team that used a Salvage Pass on the last team to arrive on the first leg because they are nice people? Time to get your hands dirty, Thorntons!

Sixty dollars for a day in Dubai and transportation to Delhi? Some teams currently don’t have any money going into this leg. That is a tight budget for the round.

Ross & Tarryn take about 0.2 seconds to cast their vote for Lucy & Emilia.

Just kidding. It’s for Paul & Steve.

Ross & Tarryn are at the same ticketing station as Sticky & Sam. Sam knows other teams are aware they are the biggest threats in the race. Thank goodness Paul has been such a douchebag towards other teams for their sake. If this was much later in the race, this Must-Vote U-Turn would completely screw Sticky & Sam out of the race when players are more eager to eliminate threats. Luckily this is the only Must-Vote U-Turn to air on TV this season.
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Yes, we’ll get there. -_-

Michelle & Jo had another strong performance yesterday and depart in third at 1:44pm. I’m curious what happens when they hit one of their weaknesses like the balut eggs.

Damn. That’s 3-0 against Paul & Steve already.

MICHELLE: We’ve even impressed ourselves after three legs.

And that’s all we hear from Michelle & Jo.

Kym & Donna start in fourth at 2:10pm.

KYM: Teams must vote to U-Turn a team in this leg. . .

KYM: . . .I think we can do that.

Yes, obviously you guys are U-Turning the most controversial team–Lucy & Emilia.

KYM: Buffheads.
DONNA: Buffheads.

I need to go through the Hamerotz archives, but I don’t think unanimous votes on the first Must-Vote U-Turn is common.

It must have torn them apart internally to be forced to U-Turn one of their fellow competitors.

Kym is crying on the inside.

KYM: They were the best choice strategically, but we chose them out of spite.

Paul & Steve depart fifth at 2:12pm.

Shane & Andrew depart sixth at 2:15pm.

Paul & Steve are at the Must-Vote But Why Should We Bother At This Point U-Turn.

Paul & Steve take a shot at Sticky & Sam.

“We’re not voting for no Cs, no Gs, no dicks. . .we’re going to U-Turn some of that real STICKY icky! Woo weeee!”

We’re at 4-1. Maybe we’re in for a 5-4 blindside vote. Shane & Andrew are at the podium and think about it long and hard–

Nope. 5-1. Paul & Steve have essentially been told to “fuck off” by the majority of the cast. This is painful to watch.

Shane & Andrew say it is an easy decision and would’ve U-Turned them voluntarily.

PAUL: We are bringing the business side to the race. . .we do believe nice guys finish last.

Paul & Steve are dropped off at the travel agency. Paul haggles the fare with the tuktuk driver.

Something tells me Paul will not cave into fare inflation as easily as Sticky & Sam did.

This haggling episode proves to be highly entertaining to Shane & Andrew and Steve.

Shane does his best Paul impression when haggling.

“You don’t want 375?! Now it’s 275 AND I bone your sister!”

ANDREW: He walks a bit with the watermelons under the arms.

Paul flexes his Double Dragons for intimidation.

Kym & Donna are at the travel agency too.

KYM: Is it five hundred for you?????

The driver smells doubt and goes in for the kill. For the third time in three episodes, a drive rounds up to the magic number of 1000 Rupees (17 CAD). Travel costs in India and Philippines for tuktuks/rickshaws/whatever the hell they’re called are supposed to be way cheaper.

Kym pays up the 1000 Rupees.That’s not good.

DONNA: As soon as we walked away we realized “How stupid! Why did we give him that much money?”

James & Sarah depart in eighth at 2:17pm. So do Joseph & Grace.

The BFFs depart almost simultaneously. ❤

The vote count is 6-1.

James & Sarah cast their vote at the Must-Vote U-Turn.

It ain’t easy being green.

James & Sarah use the “U-Turn Somebody You Know You Won’t See Again” strategy and target Lucy & Emilia. If Lucy & Emilia were U-Turned in any of those first four episodes, they would be royally fucked out of the race.

So now we have a vote of 6-1-1.

SARAH: We’re getting smarter. We’re getting stronger. We’re getting quicker.

Two drivers offer James a ride for 310 and 320 Rupees. James wants to do it and pay 400, but Sarah forces him to slow down to show how dumb it is to pay 80 Rupees more than what they are charging. She’ll need help lifting her bag too.

In other words, James is getting dumber, Sarah’s bag is making her weaker, and they are both going slower to make decisions.

I couldn’t make this crap up if I tried.

Lucy & Emilia are last to depart at 2:42pm–25 minutes after James & Sarah.

Leg 1: 65 minutes behind 2nd-to-last place team. 161 minutes behind the leading team.
Leg 2: 10 minutes behind 2nd-to-last place team. 64 minutes behind the leading team.
Leg 3: 25 minutes behind 2nd-to-last place team. 65 minutes behind the leading team.

Lucy & Emilia are trailing by a combined 90 minutes behind 2nd-to-last place teams at all pit stops.

They are also trailing 290 minutes behind the leading team at all pit stops.

These stats are truly incredible.

Lucy is excited for Dubai because it brings them closer geographically to Europe/Italy. Lucy & Emilia are thinking they will have the advantage in Europe.

So who do Lucy & Emilia U-Turn? If you know the outcome of the season, the results will shock you.

That’s right. They try to U-Turn Bender from Futurama as not to offend any of the other teams. Production of course informs them this is not an option.

LUCY: They are strong and can handle a U-Turn. Think of it as a compliment.

I need to point out that even the promos for each episode made fun of Shane & Andrew and making out them to be not-so-smart racers.

Red Foreman called them a dumbass more frequently than Eric Foreman on That 70s Show. “Kitty, those dumbass cops parked in our driveway again! I’m gonna shove my foot so far into their Communist Australian asses!”

At the time I guarantee you all of the viewers were scratching their heads at Shane & Andrew being labelled a threat. Obviously Lucy & Emilia are now revised as being very perceptive in hindsight.

LUCY: Our strategy is just to have fun.

It is the Cyndi Lauper Strategy.

An episode where all Lucy & Emilia want to do is have fun should really really scare us. Let’s see where this strategy of “having fun” takes them by the end of this episode. Hopefully producers can bail them out of this mindset before the end of the episode.

Lucy & Emilia spot public urinals across the street. It’s like Amsterdam but in Jaipur.

The funny thing is how common public urinals are in certain places in Europe. It puts the ‘pean’ in European. Lucy & Emilia may want to rethink their desired destination.

All nine teams are together on the train to Delhi.

Sam is a case of Andrew-induced butterfingers away from a concussion.

You know how Lucy & Emilia showed no desire to U-Turn Paul & Steve?

Guess who Paul voluntarily stands up to chat with on the train. There’s a reason it was a 6-1-1-1 vote and not 8-1.

Given that we’re heading westward to Dubai, I don’t think we’ll be seeing any more overcrowded Asian settings like this for the rest of the season.

Teams scramble to go to the taxis outside of the Delhi train station.

Michelle & Jo are first to the airport. Everyone is booking tickets to Dubai.

Where are they in the airport? There is a partition but it isn’t an actual office. Where is the phone connected? Where are the employees? I’ve been in Delhi airport multiple times. I’m trying to figure out where the hell this is.

Doesn’t everyone remember the engaged Lesbian blonde twins Kym & Donna?

Michelle & Jo book the first flight to Dubai.

FIRST FLIGHT TO DUBAI (6:10am arrival):
Kym & Donna
Shane & Andrew
James & Sarah
Michelle & Jo
Sticky & Sam
Joseph & Grace

PRODUCERS: So fans wanna bitch about too many legs in India? Let’s take them to Dubai for one of the 7 legs in English language versions too!

Even TAR France and Velyki Perehony, the lone season of The Amazing Race produced in Ukraine, went to Dubai on their very first leg too!

So why do producers use Dubai so goddamn much? Simply because there are very few places in Middle East considered to be simultaneously safe, interesting, and has a government willing to work with Western film crews (the latter applies to the black-listed country of Qatar for being too disorganized).

Dubai is Western-friendly. It’s safe. It has unique and interesting landmarks. It’s a big city. It loves entertainment.

It is also home to the popular Arabic language film Dub Lies starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
TAR Australia (1) used Israel. . .this year we get the Middle East’s most common TAR retread -_-.

Paul & Steve share info with Lucy & Emilia and Ross & Tarryn about an Air India connection through Mumbai.

Paul is not happy.

Knowing one team could’ve been guaranteed elimination by choosing a shitty flight, Paul is upset his advantage is gone and is in a 3-way tie for last.

SECOND FLIGHT (8:15am arrival)
Paul & Steve
Ross & Tarryn
Lucy & Emilia (somehow)

We cut to the first flight landing in Dubai. Joseph & Grace read the Detour clue. Drive 90 kilometres to the Al Faqa Desert and choose between Camel Dash or Dune Bash or Monster Mash.

Al, Faq-a this we don’t know where we’re going.

Grant explains it’s a choice between two common forms of desert transport.

CAMEL DASH

A rare shot of a camel not spitting.

Teams must ride a camel around a short course and collect four coloured flags then return to the start to receive their next clue.

It’s much harder than it looks.

DUNE BASH

Teams must drive a dune buggy around a ten kilometre course. Drive too fast and teams can find themselves in trouble. Drive too slow and they’ll get bogged and get stuck in the middle of nowhere.

Or be like Adrian & Collin and nearly die on the final leg of TAR Asia 2.

Am I the only one waiting for Grant Bowler to be hit by a bus in the desert?

Joseph & Grace choose Dune Bash. Joseph runs to the driver’s side. Keep in mind this is the first self-drive leg since the starting line.

Other side, man.

There you go.

We only get to see one half of the Detour clue.

Michelle & Jo pick Camel Dash

Kym & Donna choose Dune Bash.

James & Sarah pick Dune Bash too.

Kent & Vyxsin choose Monster Mash.

What is the second word on Donna’s shirt?

Teams are trying to find the town of Al-Faqa. Teams are doing their best but I think Michelle wins for most awkward directions.

MICHELLE (Aussie accent): I’m trying to get to I’ll Fuck Her.

MAN: My friend behind me said “Al-Faqa” a minute ago, but I think he meant to say Al-Faqu.

Michelle can’t stop laughing. It totally sounds like “I’ll Fuck Her” with an Aussie accent. I can’t believe this wasn’t censored on TV.

JO: Faq. . .Fa kwa?

Nice save, Jo.

This is the closest to the “Fuk Mi and Fuk Yu” gag from Austin Powers: Goldmember being played out on TAR.

Speaking of Al-Faqa, Sticky & Sam are fifth to their clue and decide to do Dune Bash.

Shane & Andrew pick Camel Dash.

We cut to Joseph & Grace. Grace speaks Arabic. I can’t say for sure, but she looks like she could be of Lebanese descent. I assumed Joseph & Grace were Italian because of the last name Caristo, but hey, maybe it is on the mother’s side? I dunno.

EDIT: Apparently Joey & Grace’s mom is indeed from Lebanon. Thanks to Michael Harmstone for the info on that one!

Maps won’t be necessary for Joseph & Grace today. They might have a big advantage for the day.

The only Arabic I know is the word Massari, and that’s because there is a Lebanese-Canadian R&B star from the early 2000s with that stage name. . . .and that’s after spending over two weeks in Egypt.

Kym & Donna, who don’t speak Arabic, are arguing in the car. Kym tells Donna she has missed the turn.

DONNA: I can just go around again. Are we gonna yell at each other all day?
KYM: I haven’t yelled at you once and I’m not going to yell at you.
Sticky & Sam note there aren’t many people just randomly standing outside in the middle of the desert heat waiting to help strangers with directions. They say they are driving in circles.

“You’re telling me I drove through the crowded streets of Jaipur last leg and you can’t find a gigantic desert in the middle of nowhere? They should rename us Sticky & Robin.”

“Hey Sam, can you call someone for directions out here in the desert? We’re lost, mate.”
“Fffffff, ooooh, no barrrrs.”

Joseph & Grace enter the desert and we hear the “Charla & Mirna of Arabia” soundtrack.

You have heard of a One Horse Town, but have you heard of a One Camel Town?

Joseph & Grace are first to the Detour. They strap into the dune buggies.

Strap in. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride!

Joseph gets some nice air.

Joseph treats it like he is playing Micro Machines 64.

On a scale of 1 to 10 of how frightened Grace is right now, she is at an “I Shit Myself 11.”

Michelle & Jo reach Camel Dash.

Jo bought a hat made of cotton candy. If you wonder why teams run out of money, it’s because they are wasting it on pointless shit like cotton candy hats.

Oddly enough, it’s the same strategy Donna uses to get Kym turned on in the bedroom.

If Grace watched this footage, I think she would be much more grateful for the dune buggies right now.

The camel tries to stand up.

Jo is about an inch away from getting Christopher Reeves’d.

If you ever wanted to see Michelle & Jo’s camel toes, here you go you disgusting pigs.

Michelle & Jo happen to choose the narcoleptic camel.

Their camel is awakened and gets back up again.

“To the left, Jo! Everything in life is in a box to the left!”

Camels are fucking them over.

Even Snorlax was more active than this useless piece of shit Cloyster for a camel.

Michelle & Jo opt to switch Detours.

Michelle & Jo are much tougher to take seriously in those hats.

Grace hit the gear stick with her thighs from the passenger seat.

If you look closely at the back of the dune buggy, you can see all the sand being kicked up by Joseph.

JOSEPH: We need traction.
GRACE: What does traction mean?

What does traction mean? It’s that thing which TAR has been missing in order to get an Emmy over the past five years.

Or it’s the opposite of what happened to Michael & Kathy in the Morocco leg of TAR 3.

Grace is half an inch away from injuring her hand.

Joseph sends Grace on a mission to collect rocks and line them up behind the tire.

JOSEPH: Grace was not the best help at that time.

For all you know she is heading into the desert to find a Bedouin mechanic.

GRACE: It was so hot. I was like “I’m out. Joey you do it.”

“I’m going to rest here and make sand angels.”

Gooooo team!

Michelle & Jo and Kym & Donna are in the dune buggies. Michelle gets bogged down quickly.

If this were one of those movies with an ancient creature in the desert, there would be a face in all of that sand.

HOLY FUCK!!! LOOK OUT, MICHELLE & JO!!!!!

All-female teams can’t afford to have a lazy teammate. They both are digging out the sand.

MICHELLE (OR JO?): You need to quit yelling at me. This is why we don’t do well at challenges. You have to give me a chance to let me do it.

If that is their definition of not doing well in challenges, I can’t imagine how they would define it if they were in Lucy & Emilia’s shoes.

Guys, you did your synchronized shot pre-season. Why are you filming a new one now?

I guess in this challenge they just have to wait for a truck to pull out their dune buggy. I wonder how many of these trucks are availabe? If you’re the third team stuck, are you going to be waiting a long time?

GRACE: No more showing off, okay? There is no one to show off to. There are no hot girls. Well, there is one but I’m your sister. So it doesn’t really work.

In other words. . .

No touching!

Shane & Andrew are led to their destination by a taxi driver.

SHANE: Follow you? You ripper!

Contrary to what Shane & Andrew think, Jack the Ripper was not some rad helpful bloke who helped women around East London.

Joseph & Grace and Kym & Donna finish the Detour before six of the teams have even shown up at the Detour.

They are one position off the lead and Paul & Steve are at major risk of being eliminated. Today could be a great day for Kym & Donna.

Teams read they must go to Wild Wadi Water Park.

Wild Wadi is a popular TAR attraction.

“Did you say traction?”

TAR Asia 1 and TAR 5 both used this as a route marker.

Instead of the usual waterslide, they will use a surfboard and ride in the surf machine to reach a clue dangling from a rope.

Bethany Hamilton is drooling right now.

They will now look at the U-Turn board as they are driving away from the Detour.

They also position the board so they blind Joseph while giving his confessional.

Joseph goes on a soliloquy about how Paul is not playing the game correctly.

Kym & Donna get excited by Paul being punished and proceed to do it on the U-Turn mat.

Shane & Andrew think it will be easy to ride the camels.

“LEFT! LEFT! LEFT!!!”

We get an extreme close-up of a random man laughing his ass off.

“I’m laughing at a joke I made up in my head.”

Were Shane & Andrew able to get the camel to turn left?

Well. . .they are to the left of the other camel. Technically the camel listened.

Michelle & Jo think they have successfully finished digging.

They’ve dug so deep they have found a hidden immunity idol.

So Michelle & Jo are back in the buggy and. . .

Jesus Christ. They did not dig deep enough.

“Sandshrew! Go up to that buggy and use Sandstorm!”

Michelle & Jo ask a passing Sticky & Sam for help.

I think what Sticky is trying to say is “eat my dust.”

In a case of instant karmic retribution, Sticky & Sam are stuck on a slope. Sam says they are very close to rolling down the hill and Sticky potentially losing his other arm.

James & Sarah are in the dune buggy. James is driving.

Mainly because it’s dangerous for blind people to drive.

Sarah is scared for her life. So what should you do when you are scared in a fast-moving vehicle?

Blind the driver! Nothing will make you feel safer than trying to blind the only person coming between you and a fatal dune buggy crash!

This is the worst eyepoke since Stipe Miocic fought Daniel Cormier.

***2ND FLIGHT LANDS AT 8:15AM***

Paul & Steve, Ross & Tarryn, and Lucy & Emilia all choose Dune Bash.

Shane & Andrew aren’t having any luck with their camel.

That camel is ready for a nap. Shane begins camel whispering.

“Psssst. Your mother’s a whore.”

That camel needs to brush more.

Shane & Andrew abort mission.

“Thanks for nothing, Camel. If you get pulled over, don’t use my name to help you out.”

Michelle & Jo shout karma as they drive by Sticky & Sam.

I’m surprised Jo didn’t moon them as they drove by.

JO: Boys got Kama. Kama. Kama. Kama. Boys got Kama.

They got Kama, indeed.

Michelle & Jo complete the Detour in second place. Joseph & Grace are already at Wild Wadi.

The iconic Wild Wadi landscape.

GRACE: I thought “sweet, this should be easy.”

Grace gets sucked in by the waves. Never to be heard from again. You’re on your own for the rest of the season, Joseph!

Joseph can choose one of these beefcakes as his new partner. Amongst them are Jonas from Survivor: One World in the middle and Iron Sheik’s son on the far left.

Grace did a helluva lot better than Joseph did. His board flew out of his hands like a bar of soap.

Where are you goin’, man?

Joseph eventually succeeds.

He shows off his prize to the crowd.

Joseph & Grace read the clue. They must drive to the Meydan Racecourse and pick the winning horse in a race.

We see the clue.

The Meydan Racecourse is home to the richest horse race in the world. If teams pick a winning horse in today’s race meeting, they receive their next clue. If not, they must piggyback one lap around the track.

If you fail to pick a winning horse, you’ll recede to the back of the pack just like this man’s hairline.

By the way, teams don’t have to piggyback their teammate specifically around the track. They can scoop ’em up like a groom does to his bride as they go up to their honeymoon suite late at night after their wedding is over so they can have their post-marital banging/love-making/whatever they call it these days.

Meanwhile, Kym & Donna are asking for directions to Wild Wadi.

I don’t think that’s Kym on the right.

They are back in the car. Donna simultaneously reads out the directions and also random signs on the road which angers and confused Kym. My mom does that to my dad when they are on a road trip all of the time. Kym reacts exactly as my dad would.

KYM: Yes? No? Backwards?
DONNA: I’m just reading signs. Don’t snap at me.
(KYM sighs.)

“Grrrr.”

KYM: We need to get someone to lead us there.
DONNA: Well, could you try then please?
KYM: I don’t have the kindness of you–

*SMASH*

They pull over to check the damage.

Kym & Donna see something has punctured their tire. Eventually discover it was a nail and interrogate the nail about it. What did the nail on the road say, anyway?

“I didn’t move! I didn’t do anything. You drove into me!”

Andrew is an emergency pursuit driver. He and Shane make up time while driving.

Sticky & Sam get stuck again.

They need to be renamed “Stucky & Sam.”

James & Sarah complete the Detour in fourth place.

You can’t tell through the botox but this is Sarah’s version of being really really really done with a task.

Sarah tries exiting the buggy.

Sarah completely bails. The camera sadly didn’t get the best angle of it. It’s a good thing she was still wearing her helmet.

James & Sarah read the full clue.

Wait a minute. It’s called a Flowrider?

You spin my boogie board right round
When you fall down
When you fall down down

Once James masters the Flowrider, Sarah will forever be stuck on his elevator. El-uh-vator.

They talk about how badly they need a map.

KYM: Worn out. Frustrated.
DONNA: Cranky. Hate each other.
KYM: Three brain cells left. . .we’re not having fun.

It should be noted they are currently in second place according to the editing.

They use one of their three remaining brain cells to remember how to hug. Now they’re down to two.

Michelle & Jo are second to Wild Wadi in matching pink and black bikinis. Michelle makes Jo go first.

Who changes from a bikini to the longest board shorts I have ever seen.

Jo snags the clue on the first go.

Michelle reacts to Jo’s bragging by producing one of the weirdest and most unusual sounds I have heard come out of a human being’s mouth in my life.

It happens at the 23:10 mark of the episode in case anyone is interested.

It sounds like a surprised Chucky from the Rugrats. I can’t think of a closer comparison.

We cut to Meydon Racecourse. Joseph & Grace have a huge lead.

This is the 26th 100% English language season of TAR to air worldwide, and seeing a brand new task is refreshing. This is to accompany a brand new U-Turn twist.

GRACE: I don’t understand horses. I don’t understand anything.

“I don’t understand anything. Where do babies come from? Is a U-Turn where Paul & Steve have to turn around and drive in the exact opposite direction? How will they catch up? What’s the difference between Muslim and Islam? Aren’t they the same thing? How can Grant Bowler host both The Mole and The Amazing Race? Does he have a Timeturner?”

GRACE: I’m going to let my brother do the talking.

Talking, shovelling, driving. . .Joseph does it all!

Joseph & Grace are so far ahead they get to watch Race #1 alone.

Unfortunately editors don’t highlight which horse belongs to which team. This makes it uneventful to watch as you have to wait until they cross the finish line for the announcement of who won.

Joseph & Grace don’t win. They expect teams to catch up.

Ross & Tarryn, Paul & Steve, and in last place Lucy & Emilia are now all at the dune buggies.

The dune buggy is a manual stick shift. Emilia says she learned how to drive manual a couple of weeks before the race (much like Michelle & Jo admitted in the Jaipur leg).

I thought there was a rule against flashing gang signs on The Amazing Race. Emilia is representin’ the East Side of Sydney, and Lucy is doing The Hook.

Also, why is there a Wartortle on her shirt?

Again, Emilia isn’t the first Italian woman to not know how to drive a stick shift on TAR.

Emilia drives the dune buggy really slow. You can hear it puttering up the sand dunes.

“I don’t understand why they gave us goggles.”

“Now I do.”

Lucy & Emilia are handling their car troubles much better than Kym & Donna.

Hopefully Lucy & Emilia keep this attitude for the whole day because this is how -every single task is going to go for the whole round-.

Sticky wants to drive instead of Sam. He drives it hard and they finish without being stuck again. They finish the Detour in fifth. Shane & Andrew are done in sixth.

James & Sarah are third to Wild Wadi. Kym & Donna are fourth to Wild Wadi.

Sarah is wearing a polka dot bikini just like The Beach Boys requested.

James and Kym both grab the clue on their first attempt.

Hussein Sutadisastra is majorly jealous right now.

Kym’s flop onto the board is more like doing the worm. His ability to transition into grabbing the clue is impressive.

The first rule of Flow Club is we don’t talk about Flow Club.

Kym & Donna don’t even leave Wild Wadi until they ask for directions.

*****UNAIRED TASK ALERT****

Teams had to find a random tucked away building prior to Wild Wadi where they had to rappel down a building. The building was far more obscure than finding a major landmark like Wild Wadi or Meydan Racecourse.

Whenever Kym & Donna ask for directions, you never hear them specify the building once on-air.

Michelle & Jo feel underdressed for the Meydon Racecourse.

Oh great! We’re having spaghetti noodles for lunch!

MICHELLE: I can do my own hair! Just clip your own.

Michelle & Jo should’ve been cheerleaders for the LA Clippers!

MICHELLE & JO: When we go the races we normally wear fascinators, hair, makeup, heels.

You mean people do this on the regular?

Joseph & Grace get A LOT of advice for Race #2. Too much advice.

GRACE (loudly): I need more men.

Wow! That is something I never want to hear my sister say. Joseph is praying they get it right on Race #2 otherwise I don’t event want to imagine what Grace is going to do between races two and three. Jesus Christ.

Michelle & Jo pick a horse with pink on it.

“Ladies, you have to pick a number. You can’t just write “The Pink One” on this piece of paper.”

Hey, it’s Kym’s brother! I didn’t know he was a horse jockey!

Joyce should’ve been in on this race.

Lots of shouting and jumping from Grace.

Neither team won.

Paul & Steve complete the Detour in seventh. Ross & Tarryn are eighth. Ross struggles getting out of the dune buggy.

“My body was not meant to bend anymore.”

Paul & Steve see the U-Turn board.

Paul & Steve cannot be shocked to be U-Turned.

Paul has less of a target on his back than the time Tupac went out in public on his east coast road trip.

Hell, Tupac even rapped about Paul this season in “Hit ’em Up.”

Watch your pots
When you see Paul’s ox
Watch your pots
When you see Paul’s ox

STEVE: Surprise, surprise.

“Guess who should’ve swallowed their pride and made an insincere apology to Kym & Donna during the ox cart task?

PAUL: There was a moment of predictable truth. That’s flattering six out of nine (well, eight cause you can’t U-Turn yourself) teams U-Turned us. I’d feel insulted if it wasn’t us.

Besides, we can’t make it a completely foregone conclusion that Lucy & Emilia are fucked halfway into the episode.

By the way, they’re stuck again. White women certainly aren’t breaking any stereotypes today. Lucy and the Troy twins aren’t exactly their champions today.

Paul & Steve don’t like camels.

If Steve weren’t on a camel, he would be doing the Charlie Brown walk.

No comment. Gross, Steve.

STEVE: All it would do is go “errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”

Steve’s sex life summed up in two screencaps.

STEVE: Most frustrating challenge ever. It’s pissing me off.

The only reason why Steve isn’t quitting is because habitual cellar dwellers Lucy & Emilia are still contestants this season. Otherwise Steve would throw in the towel and headscarf ASAP.

We cut to Lucy & Emilia’s buggy which sounds just like Steve’s camel.

Honda isn’t exactly getting their best ad as half of the teams have been repeatedly stuck in the sand dunes during the Detour.

EMILIA: I have sand in places I never knew you could have sand.

If it has a hole, Dubai has you covered!

LUCY: Put it in perspective. Look at where we are and look at what we are doing. This is fun.

“Having sand in every hole of your body knowing we won’t have time to shower until a pit stop at the end of the Turkey-France-Cuba-Cuba legs? Fun.”

“Knowing we will die from dehydration if we don’t complete this task within the next 45 minutes? Time of my life!”

Paul & Steve’s camel is able to collect three flags before it returns to the start. Steve has to jump off the camel to calm himself down.

Surprisingly Paul hasn’t said a word during all of this. He hasn’t complained once.

Sticky & Sam are next to Wild Wadi. Sticky easily grabs the clue in fifth.

Shane also grabs the clue on his first attempt despite having his chest hit the board hard. They are sixth.

Meanwhile, James & Sarah are at the racetrack and play “Pin the Tail on the Donkey” to try and pick the winning horse.

The group of three dudes sitting together on the grass are blatantly checking out Sarah’s Bumback.

This way to the races, madam.

RACE#3 commences.

The 45 minute interval between races is not exciting this trio for RACE#4. They all get shutout once more.

Who knew asking a Christmas Tree for advice would backfire.

Paul & Steve and Lucy & Emilia are in the desert.

STEVE (calmly): C’mon camel, don’t be a douche.

It worked.

Paul & Steve have their clue.

Not before receiving some sass from one of the locals.

I think Steve found a new teammate.

Paul & Steve complete both sides of the Detour before Lucy & Emilia finish one.

Lucy & Emilia complete the Detour in dead last.

I don’t even know what dance that is. . .or is it a seizure?

Girl can’t dance.

We even get a confessional where Lucy is asked about Emilia’s dancing.

Epic reaction.

I feel this is appropriate after four episodes.

Ross & Tarryn are seventh to Wild Wadi. Tarryn goes first and gets the clue.

Despite the fact Tarryn completes the task, Ross wants to do this task so badly he jumps onto a board to prevent his daughter from showing him up on the race.

Shane & Andrew are lost on the highway. Shane spots a police officer dispensing a traffic ticket to another car. He takes the opportunity.

Shane asks for directions and he escorts them

ANDREW: He gave us a good escort.

“I ran an escort service too but all I got were a bunch of phone calls from horny men.”

Ross & Tarryn are very lost too. Ross says Dubai is far tougher to navigate than anywhere in Australia.

Kym & Donna keep driving laps around Dubai which is fitting because they do a lot of F1 races there in the UAE. They do hundreds of laps.

Remember, they are trying to find the unaired absailing task. They are not looking for the gigantic horse race track. Besides Kym abandoning the car is a smart idea since it would probably be faster for him to walk there on foot.

I don’t normally point out commercial breaks anymore, but I’ll point out the one used here. The commercial break cliffhangers are notorious for misleading the audience into thinking a team is in trouble. They have become a parody where all of the viewers say “they’ll find it or do the challenge two seconds after a commercial break.” By 2012, fans know never to take the cliffhangers seriously. We’re too smart to fall for that editing trick.

We resume. Donna is crying.

KYM: I don’t want to go on with this anymore.

Man, if there is a map vendor walking by, I think Kym & Donna would fucking ruin him Bonnie & Clyde style and rob him of his entire stockpile.

They continue crying on the road.

In a place where The Amazing Race Australia doesn’t look like a fucking miserable experience, Sticky & Sam go to the horse track. Apparently Sticky & Sam do this in Tasmania. What a weird hobby for multiple teams to have. I don’t know anyone personally who bets on horses, but here we are. The two youngest teams in the race frequently check out horse races. So much for playing their Nintendos or going out getting shitfaced with their friends. Michelle & Jo and Sticky & Sam live for this shit.

“You wanna go out on my buddy’s boat on the lake?”
“No, screw you guys cause the four of us are going to watch horse races. Y’all so lame!”

STICKY: We were odds on to win this challenge. It’s either this or one-handed handstands.

Sam picks a horse named after a town in England. I don’t know if that’s a bet I would make.

Apparently every team has been told to pick Rochdale.

Shane & Andrew show up to the Meydan Grounds in sixth. Because teams are pissed that Shane & Andrew are waltzing in just in time for the race, they filibuster Shane & Andrew’s attempt to make a guess.

“Nice day, isn’t it?”

Michelle gets them to admire the stadium.

SAM: They just got to be that dumb, don’t they? Cause they’re always finishing right near the bottom. Are you having a laugh later or are you actually a cop?

It’s funny how after four rounds no one gives Shane & Andrew any credit. Teams just view them as this highly gullible duo who can be easily outplayed.

SHANE: I don’t think we really got the concept of what was going on.

They put in their bets.

ANDREW: Number six for me.
SHANE: Number nine for me.

“Clever, aren’t we?”

RACE #4 commences.

This line keeps getting bigger and bigger. It has now been at least two hours and fifteen minutes since the first race.

Rochdale wins the race as Shane & Andrew were the only ones not to bet on them.

The other teams must go to the pit stop on top of the helipad with the Burj Wiz Khalifa in the background.

Sadly production doesn’t tell us -where- this helipad is.

They don’t have the unaired absailing Roadblock at the obscure building, but otherwise thank you Wiki.

Joseph forgot to turn off the lights on his car. He left his lights on for nearly three hours. That battery is dead.

Well, he has four hours to find somebody with jumper cables before Lucy & Emilia show up.

Paul & Steve are eighth to Wild Wadi. Steve is first to surf.

Wow. Steve sucks at this. Who knew surfing and riding camels were his kryptonite.

We should call him Gutterball Steve after that surfing attempt.

Paul fares much better.

Lucy & Emilia are last to Wild Wadi.

LUCY: Water parks and I don’t get along.

Emilia is so close and. . . .

“Noooo!!! What’s happening?!”

This was as far Lucy would get on her second attempt. Attempt may be a generous way to describe it.

Emilia goes for a second time and has the clue.

She did much better than Steve.

Lucy & Emilia read the clue.

LUCY: We have no idea where any of these places are.

Rinse and repeat.

We are treated to a montage

EMILIA: A team could have taken a wrong turn. You never know.

Ohhhh. Yes. It would be disastrous if another team takes a wrong turn and ends up in a really really bad situation, Emilia.

You. Have. No. Idea.

Donna is now driving. Steve is annoyed Paul isn’t asking people and wonders if he wants to remain in the race. Ross & Tarryn are lost. Grace asks a random dude for jumper cables (in Australia they call them “jumper leads.”).

Give ’em the Clamps.

Joseph & Grace finally leave the parking lot.

RACE#5 is only spectated by Michelle & Jo and Shane & Andrew. There is a lot of screaming and jumping from Michelle & Jo as their horse wins.

You would think it’s 11:30 because Michelle is jumpin’ jumpin’.

What a fitting name for a winning horse. It won’t always win, but it can.

Night has fallen. I presume teams have been racing for over twelve hours since the first flight landed. James & Sarah and Sticky & Sam are navigating the hotel.

James & Sarah make it to the mat first. Four people with four very very different outfits. Why isn’t Sarah wearing shoes in a five star hotel? I’m surprised she was allowed in.

I wish Grant and the pit stop greeter changed positions as well as their clothes and see if the teams catch on at all.
FIRST PLACE: JAMES & SARAH

I bet prior to TAR Australia 2’s airing if you asked viewers “which team will win the toughest leg of the season?” I don’t think the “fighting couple with the cougar who frequently goes through each leg in hunners and a skirt” was going to be anyone’s first pick.

And yet here we are. James & Sarah kicked ass.

They win “an adrenaline action-packed trip” to Queensland, New Zealand. Pump water is sponsouring it.

I strongly believe James & Sarah want to go to their hotel room and get pumped for action.

SECOND PLACE: STICKY & SAM

They couldn’t threepeat and join that upper eschelon of historically great TAR teams.

RACE#6 is the last race of the day. Shane & Andrew are alone. They lose the final race. Piggybacking it is!

THIRD PLACE: JOSEPH & GRACE

We never see any footage of it, but Michelle & Jo must have struggled finding the hotel because the team that had a dead battery was able to beat them there. I wish we received a brief five or six second explanation of them being lost.

FOURTH PLACE: MICHELLE & JO

Shane & Andrew are first to piggyback two hundred metres around the track. No one else showed up.

“Watch out for the Koopa Troopas ahead!”

It’s like Super Mario Bros. but if you replaced Yoshi with Luigi.

Shane & Andrew finish the level.

We get to see the full pit stop clue.

Kym & Donna acknowledge other teams (a.k.a. Lucy & Emilia) could be struggling to find route markers too. However, they are both exhausted.

DONNA: We could’ve driven past it ten million times.

“Absailing down a building? Fuck it.”

Lucy & Emilia keep driving.

LUCY: Private access? OK. Did we find it?

Emilia hopes it is it as she demonstrates the gap between her and the other teams.
***CONFESSIONAL***

EMILIA: We drive towards a building. We have no idea what the building was.

*****

LUCY: God, there’s men here Emilia.

And it’s not the “God, there’s men here!” like when Lucy sees hot strippers at her friend’s bachelorette party last year, but the “God, there’s men here!” like “God, there’s men here!”

****CONFESSIONAL****

EMILIA: We see men with machine guns running towards the car. At this point we freak out.

Surprisingly, humble grade school teachers in Australia aren’t used to being bombarded by machine guns while driving in the Middle East. Who knew that was the cue to -start- worrying.

***********FULL BACKGROUND ON WHAT HAPPENED BEHIND THE SCENES**********

This is easily in the top three for craziest stories to happen on The Amazing Race. Phil Keoghan was briefly arrested in the Ukraine during TAR 10 and Andre & Damon were briefly arrested in Morocco during TAR 3. Andre & Damon were in a much better spot since they were in the lead, and the team that was eliminated was hours and hours behind. They still beat the last place team Aaron & Arianne to the mat.

Lucy & Emilia’s arrest is much more eventful than the other two occasions.

Lucy missed a MASSIVE sign saying she was driving into a restricted area. She and Emilia get bombarded by men shouting in Arabic and wielding machine guns. Since Lucy & Emilia were already so far behind the other teams from the beginning of the day, they already had the security detail following them. I don’t think people really know this, but the security detail has a tendency to follow whichever team is furthest behind.

Lucy & Emilia get super lucky because TAR Australia’s security detail jumps in and talks to Dubai security. Emilia in the meantime scolds Lucy for initially getting out of the car in her swimsuit and tells her to put on more clothes. Although Dubai as a whole is fairly liberal, once you are playing with a government and military apparatus within a Middle Eastern Muslim country, best course of action for a White woman is probably to cover up more.

Anyways, Lucy & Emilia tell them they want to go to the race track. Lucy gets her international driver’s license and passport taken, and is instructed to follow security. During this drive Lucy & Emilia think they are being guided to Meydan Race Track.

Instead of being escorted to the next route marker and lucking out for the fourth round in a row, they actually get taken to the police station.

The crew keeps insisting they are filming for a TV show but the Dubai security still doesn’t believe them. It’s not until the American production crew members of The Amazing Race get involved that their story is deemed believable.

They were detained for well over two hours. They haven’t seen a team in a very very long time since the Detour, and every team finished the Detour well ahead of them. Only two other teams were even on that second flight while everyone else began the day over two hours ahead. Lucy & Emilia assume they are absolutely dead in the race.

Lucy & Emilia didn’t know that production was forced to pay a huge fine to let both her go and the sound guy go.

So what was wrong with the sound guy on their team?

Well, the security thought he had a bomb strapped to his chest instead of legitimate audio equipment. He was in as much trouble as Lucy. The security truly thought it was an attempted terrorist attack.

The security was contemplating whether to deport Lucy & Emilia that same night or wait until the next morning. That’s how serious this was. They comply with production’s request, the massive fine is paid, and Lucy and the sound guy exit United Arab Emirates with being flagged as “Potential Terrorist” on their profile.

Apparently tons of this footage was deleted by the security officials. It’s why we see a very small edit of it on TV. We don’t get to see the security guards running with machine guns and yelling at Lucy. We don’t see what happens in the station.

P.S. Because Lucy & Emilia were so sleep-deprived, exhausted, and easy-going about a terrifying experience, they laughed and laughed while retelling this story in confessionals at the end of the leg. Production was pissed they weren’t serious enough about it and presented it as a not-so-scary situation. I bet producers would say this was probably the most scared and most afraid they were for any team on the history of the show other than putting Rob & Kim behind a steering wheel in TAR 10.

When the teams returned to Australia at the end of the season, production forced Lucy & Emilia to reshoot their confessionals for the Dubai leg and to retell it without laughing about the whole thing.

If anybody involved believes the above retelling is inaccurate any way, please let me know and I’ll modify it.

But I think my readers and the more obsessive people in the TAR community have waited eight years to know what the hell happens to a team that gets arrested on The Amazing Race.

******RESUMING OUR SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING****

Lucy is escorted by the police.

“I don’t see any horses anywhere–are we getting close to the race track?”

EMILIA: We made a mistake; we don’t want to be here.

Referring to driving into the Royal Palace as a “mistake” may be too soft of a description.

“I’ve made a huge mistake.”

“So you’re saying this isn’t where we claim the hidden Fast Forward, officer?”

I can’t emphasize this enough–Lucy & Emilia I assume thought they had a 0.0% chance of surviving this leg. They had a greater chance of locked up in a maximum security Emirates prison than they did of playing in leg five.

LUCY: Does this count as getting arrested?
EMILIA: I think it’s as close to getting arrested as they expect you to on the race.

Imagine if it was Paul getting arrested.

“I didn’t do anything; The Royal Palace drove into ME!”

Or if Flo & Zach got arrested.

“C’MON ZACH! Go get the pardon! We’re gonna lose because you got us thrown in jail for 25 years to life without parole! We’re never gonna be together!”

“Don’t worry Kenny. If we get arrested I’ll arrange for a bigger jail cell.”

We cut to law-abiding citizens Ross & Tarryan at Maydon Fairgrounds.

I wish Tarryn tried piggybacking Ross.

Paul carries Steve on his back.

Steve pretends to be a cowboy as he shouts “Yee haw!” and taps his arm. Oddly enough it is the seventh time Steve has ridden something this leg.

He rode on an Indian tuktuk.
He rode on an airplane.
He rode a camel.
He rode a dune buggy.
He rode in a car.
He rode on a surfboard.
He rode Paul.

FIFTH PLACE: SHANE & ANDREW

Their best finish yet.

We cut back to the police station.

EMILIA: This is where we want to get to. We don’t want to come to the police station. We think you’re very nice but we don’t want to be here.

“You’re the first friends I’ve had in 3 weeks.

Lucy & Emilia are released two hours later.

LUCY: Just a typical Friday night for Emilia and I.

Parents are calling in to their local school district–“These are the women who are teaching my kids Italian! If they’re getting arrested on TV, then what the heck is happening in the classroom?!”

Fun fact: The next day at school Lucy and Emilia taught their students “arrested” in Italian. . .and somehow in Arabic too.

SIXTH PLACE: PAUL & STEVE

STEVE: Are you serious?!

After a day of having nothing go his way, Steve was expecting only to beat Lucy & Emilia–not Lucy & Emilia and two other teams.

SEVENTH PLACE: ROSS & TARRYN

Equally shocked by their survival but also too exhausted to be as physically surprised as Steve was.

If she isn’t last place, Tarryn is genuinely worried for what could have happened to the last place team.

Lucy & Emilia find a very empty Meydan Fairgrounds.

LUCY: I can’t believe it’s still open.

The crowd goes wild.

Lucy recaps the start of the piggybacking adventure.

If there was a record for who recorded the most body movement in TAR confessionals, Emilia has that record.

Lucy is going to piggyback Emilia.

But instead Emilia reveals she is a secret agent and tries to strangle possible terrorist Lucy.

EMILIA: You need to get down lower.
LUCY: Oh god! Just jump!

Nope. Can’t get locked in.

When Shane & Andrew, Ross & Tarryn, and Paul & Steve do a piggyback challenge it is only a final edit of ten seconds or less for each individual team. Because, you know, it’s piggybacking.

When Lucy & Emilia do a piggyback challenge, it becomes a full theatrical production.

When you know everyone at home will watch this.

EMILIA: Lucy decided she shouldn’t squat down for me. to jump on her back. No. Because ‘Then, I’d have to squat you back up.’

“Me Lucy. Me no squat down then squat you back up.”

Lucy gestures Emilia to the post and have sit on the post.

EMILIA: She gets me to sit on the side, which, I might mention, are not made for people and I’m not a small girl.

Maybe Lucy got flagged as a potential terrorist because she is terrorizing the art of piggybacking with Emilia.

EMILIA: Lucy, it’s gonna break!

I don’t know who is in more danger right now:
a) Lucy being strangled
b) Emilia falling onto the ground
c) The post collapsing due to not being designed for people to sit on rather than just a barrier for the race track.

The post visibly wobbles as Emilia is on it. We all exhale when she takes off and the post is restored to its previous position.

OK, after this whole theatrical production. . .Lucy still has to walk like this for two hundred metres. You know, the part of piggybacking that is strenuous and exhausting.

They have the biggest gigglefit I have seen in a confessional.

Lucy & Emilia finish piggybacking.

“Drive to the next pit stop–the restricted area of the Royal Palace in Dubai.”

We cut to Kym & Donna.

KYM: Had enough, Pub?
DONNA: I’m pulling over. We’re underneath it for all I know.

I wonder if their car is out of fuel after driving around Dubai for fifteen hours.

We cut to the helipad.

GRANT: Lucy and Emilia. . .

“Just smile as Grant eliminates us.”

GRANT: You’re team number -eight-.

EIGHTH PLACE: LUCY & EMILIA

“Are there eight of us? So that means we’re last, right?”

They hold this stare for three seconds. Neither of them blink. Neither of them react. I think both of them are mentally counting how many teams started out this leg.

Emilia is first to break the stare as she chokes.

LUCY: . .No way.

“You sure you got that count right, Grant? Have you passed the mental checks? Man, woman, camera, person, lion?”

The best part is Grant doesn’t say anything. He just waits until Lucy believes him.

And now we get to the classic Mai & Oliver Car Elimination.

“Nobody could have had a worse day than us.”

Grant is forced to walk all the way from the helipad halfway across the city to where Kym & Donna are sleeping.

“This suit is a rental. Fuck this.”

This is only the third car elimination I can recall.

And the second season in a row for TAR Australia.

DONNA: Have you got food?

GRANT: Kym & Donna. . .you look beat.

Holy shit they look like they haven’t slept in days.

Grant asks them if they ran short on cash. They admit they haven’t had any money since India.

DONNA: Five bucks would’ve saved us today.

“Five bucks is all I’ll have after I have to pay the deposit on this suit.”

LAST PLACE: KYM & DONNA

The ending is so rushed they don’t even have a subtitle at the bottom saying they are last place.

They didn’t have any fun today. Kym says his goal is to protect Donna. They are so frickin’ tired.

Kym’s exhaustion montage is all we see to end the episode.

Next Time on TAR: There isn’t one. Sorry.

NEXT TIME ON. . .MENTIONS:
JAMES & SARAH: 1

~CONFESSIONAL COUNT~
SHANE & ANDREW 8/4
MICHELLE & JO 11/8
STICKY & SAM 4/7
JAMES & SARAH 2/3
ROSS & TARRYN 5/2
LUCY & EMILIA 7/7
KYM & DONNA 6/6
JOSEPH & GRACE 7/4
PAUL & STEVE 4/5
RANK THE TEAMS:

1) Sue Bumbak & Teresa Italiano

One is a boss and the other is her employee at a hair salon. They are hippies. They spray themselves with something which may or may not contain cannabis and a mystery liquid. They have all of the ingredients of a team who will be the first team out of the race. However, they kick a lot of ass in their three-episode run and even occupy first place for significant periods of time.

Sadly, all it takes is a blunder on the final task of the episode and there just isn’t enough time to catch up. Nobody ran out of money this leg which meant blowing it on a task would put you out of the race. Sue showed up to the Stairmaster task in third place and before you know it she falls down to tenth behind Emilia. She just couldn’t stop to figure out a proper strategy to where she could guarantee herself a fixed number of attempts before succeeding.

It’s fairly high up there on blown leads at a final task.

Knowing what happens at all future eliminations, Sue & Teresa could have easily made it to Final Four in this group. It’s too bad because all-female teams who aren’t in their teams are:

a) Rarely cast for TAR;
b) Demonstrate strong independent qualities and can be serious contenders to win;
c) Make me laugh my ass off multiple times per episode.

Sue & Teresa are part of this legendary cast. If it were any other season, their early exit would be a travesty. Here? It’s just another heavy hitter who had to go at some point. Not everyone can make it to Final Three.

2) Kym Bouckaert & Donna Bouckaert

Production clearly wanted a team to fill the Dave & Kelly role of “cool middle-aged couple who can be competitive with the best of them.”

Kym & Donna finish in the top five during the first three legs. They beat their rivals Paul & Steve every single time. The rivalry was looking to last longer but instead was limited to 1 1/2 episodes.

However, being unable to get successful directions without a map in Dubai put them out of the race. The question I will always have is if Kym & Donna had a finite amount of energy for the race and it just got depleted about three or four legs earlier than scheduled. The same thing happened to Dave & Kelly too. I love how the same demographic gets eliminated in an identical fashion both seasons. Self-drive legs in the desert just aren’t Dave & Kelly nor Kym & Donna’s friend.

I don’t have too much else to say about Kym & Donna. They were good confessionalists, they raced well the first few episodes, and then succumbed to the exhaustion and the difficulty of self-drive legs. It’s why I firmly believe modern day TAR in America has become much easier. Anyone can hail a taxi and rely on the luck of the cab–navigating a city without a map in a foreign country takes a lot of skill.

And it’s great we got away from casting eleven teams in their 20s and had some variety to the mix.

Whether Kym & Donna were cast as a team with a genuine shot at the money is highly doubtful, though.

3) Adam Corowa & Dane Corowa

I have frequently heard the expression over the years “There were ten all-star worthy teams in TAR Australia 2 and Adam & Dane.”

After viewing all of TAR Australia 2, I essentially agree.

Adam & Dane were confirmed as recruits for the season. They were cast this season because of a criticism of TAR Australia (1) being “too white.” It’s true. The first season had a VERY white cast.

So producers found the prettiest all-male non-white team they could find in all of Australia to be cast for TAR.

Reality shows are known for having a huge percentage of white people apply. Minorities typically have to be recruited and headhunted by production. This is very common for Survivor too.

Adam & Dane definitely played like an alpha male team who was recruited as they weren’t even really aware to the rules of the game. They were eliminated due to an easily avoidable penalty.

If Adam & Dane had decided to sell their possessions three minutes earlier, Lucy & Emilia would have been gone by episode two and a footnote for TAR fanatics. Needless to say Adam & Dane were a necessary sacrifice for the greater good.

The lesson learned here is if you’re going to incur a 30 minute penalty, make that decision sooner rather than decide after a long struggle. Treat it like you’re switching Detour tasks. Make the decision to alter your strategy quickly and swiftly.

It’s fun to note Adam & Dane were just 100 metres away from winning the first leg. It has been a VERY long time since a team won the first round then went home in the second round. Hello TAR 4!
RANK THE LEGS

1) Jaipur, India -> Dubai, United Arab Emirates

Must Vote U-Turn.

The team who has been dead last in all three legs gets arrested while in dead last. . .and still survives the leg.

A task making its TAR debut.

Teams struggling with both sides of the Detour.

A fun mini challenge with funny visuals.

Lucy & Emilia doing everything with funny visuals.

A leg so difficult that teams are racing the whole day and a team gets eliminated while sleeping their car.

A proper flight scramble where teams were on separate flights.

Take all of these sentence fragments together and you have one of the best episodes in TAR history. Sure, there was an unaired absailing task, but in a 49 minute episode where a single second isn’t wasted, production had no choice but to draw the line somewhere.

Yes, I’ll admit the horse racing task was a bit lame but it fit in with Dubai’s artificial extravagant culture and led to the absurdity of piggybacking at midnight for a few teams.

Also, Lucy & Emilia survive with a next-to-last or last place finish for the fourth episode of the season marking one of the biggest upsets in the history of the show worldwide.

I challenge you to find a better episode of TAR.
2) Sydney, Australia -> Manila, Philippines

Iconic backdrop for the first leg of the season. Sue & Teresa’s aura cleansing spray. Sarah’s rahrah skirt and hunners not suited for mudpits nor urban running. Sticky & Sam running out of their money after the first cab ride of the season. Traffic Jam puzzle forcing teams to interact with each other was a great way to start. The mental struggle of eating baluts to determine who gets which bus was fun to watch. Seeing teams run around in a pigpen filled with mud trying to catch pigs was decent comedy for the first episode. Sure, a subjective dancing task always sucks but at least there was only one team who could barely complete it. Lastly, assembling your own raft and paddling to the pit stop a very long distance really pushed teams to their limits and tested their skill set. Seeing an alpha male team be -this- close to throwing in the towel and quitting after dominating the first 90 percent of the episode nearly made it an incredible ending. However, the ending of having a team you would expect to go home first to be saved by the dilemma of the Salvage Pass was a decent ending too.

This premiere absolutely destroys any TAR premiere between 14-20 out of the water. I don’t care how big of a blunder Misa & Maiya made last season to make my jaw drop.

3) Delhi, India -> Jaipur, India

Teams are all put on the same bus to Jaipur for the pit start. An unusual move as it meant teams didn’t have to plot their way to figure out how to get to Jaipur. This will become an increasing trend in TAR over the years where the transit between cities and countries are taken out of the racers’ hands.

However, I highly appreciate the fact the pit start times were honoured and there weren’t any equalizers.

Editors left out the Detour of Nails or Coals due to there being two Roadblocks, the ceremony, and the pot task. Ten teams were still left and only 47 minutes of airtime. You could be like TAR Canada and cram every single task into a 40 minute episode so you don’t get to know the teams or you can significantly slow down the pace. I’m glad TAR Australia 2 went with the “Less is More” approach because we had A LOT of character moments this leg.

The cast delivered as all nine teams had memorable moments this episode. Paul sabotages the oldest team in the race but gets his ass kicked by them all the way to the pit stop. That’s hilarious.

Lucy & Emilia are dead last most of the leg but a blunder by a frequent frontrunner of all three legs allows them to survive another round. That’s just glorious.

Sarah and Grace’s rivalry keeps growing.

Sticky & Sam emerge as the biggest threats in the game after winning back-to-back legs easily.

The driving Roadblock was way too easy as everyone received their clue on the first attempt. I understand why producers did it this way but it was ultimately a pointless task where the only skill was driving fast enough on the road to make up time on leading teams.

The pot task was a more creative task as your speed getting to the market wasn’t as important as making sure you didn’t break 15 or more pots. It presented a dilemma of just flying through it and accept you’ll be assessed a fifteen minute penalty, or you are meticulous and hope you don’t serve the fifteen minute penalty.

I liked the stairmaster task.It’s an interesting landmark and there was a lot of skill involved. It was a life-sized puzzle.

The unofficial final task of the leg was not getting ripped off by your tuktuk driver. It’s why traveling through third world countries should be a mandatory requirement for every season of The Amazing Race ever.

4) Manila, Philippines -> Delhi, India

Paul’s storyline is quietly set up more and more in this episode as he pisses off Michelle & Jo, he refuses to help Shane & Andrew, and takes full advantage of Lucy & Emilia’s free advice.

The abundance of leaderboard changes established this season as being more competitive than most. Despite a 47 minute running time, it was clear a lot of interesting events were left on the cutting room floor.

This round loses a few points due to stealing two super recent TAR US tasks (Bollywood dancing from the end of TAR 20 which just aired and the feces patties from TAR 18’s India visit) as well as having another subjective dancing challenge. All of the teams were all stuck on the same flight and then the day was halted due to an Hours of Operation sign at the Turban Well.

James & Sarah got into the first of many fights this season as they fought for TWO DAYS over a bottle of soda. Sarah was once again ill-equipped for the conditions in India but made it through.

Lucy & Emilia instantly became legendary underdogs as of this episode as they were last to the mat yet again but were also miraculously saved yet again due to the two biggest recruits of the season getting ousted from a penalty.

The Bollywood acting scene made me chuckle. Sadly TAR Canada will run script challenges into the ground, but here it was refreshing and new.

Sticky & Sam going from defeat at a Detour task to somehow winning this leg amongst eleven teams was a big story for this episode, and begins Sticky & Sam’s path of being the biggest threats of the season.

Once again the biggest strength of this season is the array of characters and how fun they are to all watch. That’s not something said often after about TAR 12 or 13.

 

TEAM AVERAGES

Below is a list of all teams from seasons I have blogged to date, ranked by racing average.

e.g. Don & Mary Jean finished 9th, 8th, 8th, 8th, and 8th. Add up the numbers and divide it by the number of legs they have played.

Therefore their average is 8.2.

Because of how long this list has become, I only show the relevant section where the eliminated team from this episode has fallen amongst the ranks of what TAR history has to offer.

7th KevJumba & Michael 5.29 TAR 17. NEL once + Heather & Eve Syndrome.
7th Gus & Hera 5.29 TAR 6
4th Nick & Vicki 5.27 TAR 17 Saved by NEL twice
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25 Saved by NEL once TAR 11
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25 TAR 5
8th Lorena & Jason 5.25 U-Turned TAR 12
5th Mark & Michael 5.22 Saved by NEL once but came up just short TAR 14
3rd Andrew & Dan 5.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 13
7th Silver & Gold/ Wil & Grace 5.17 TAR 3
6th Kelly & Christy 5.14 TAR 13
5th Chad & Stephanie 5.11 U-Turned TAR 17
7th Ray & Deana 5.0 FF TAR 7
7th Melody & Sharon 5.0. Screwed over by weird penalty for another team. TAR Asia 1
9th Steve & Josh 5.0  FF TAR 4
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0  FF TAR 1
9th Mark & Bill 5.0  Wah. TAR 13
9th Kym & Donna 5.0 TAR Australia 2
4th Vanessa & Ralph 4.91 U-Turned once TAR 20
5th Fran & Barry 4.89 TAR 9
6th Howard & Sahran 4.88 TAR Asia 1