VERNON,BC — After over twenty years of playing music throughout Vernon, the North Okanagan’s most beloved local band has finally called for help in their mission to “break the barrier.”
“After twenty years we have had enough–we want to leave Vernon, but just. . .can’t. And we don’t know why,” said frontman Shawn Lightfoot. “We tried everything. Driving through the highway at over 88 miles per hour, taking a private helicopter from the airport, digging a massive tunnel through to Lumby, but as soon as we hit city limits we just bounce off or have a pit in our stomach saying we must go back. One time cops just shook their heads at us and pointed us back home. ‘Go home Shawn,’ they said,” Lightfoot claims.
The Shawn Lightfoot Band has played in every big venue in Vernon. They currently have been one of the main acts at the annual Funtastic festival a record twenty-two times, and have appeared at the summer Civic Sounds concert held in front of Vernon City Hall in all four years running. “We love performing in Vernon. It’s our home. After five years of performing in this band, my wife left with the kids to Kelowna and I haven’t seen them since. They ask ‘when is daddy coming?’ but they are left waiting and waiting. It kills me inside. I try to call them but the line mysteriously disconnects. Yet I still have to put in for child support with the little money we make for our weekly acts at The Green. It’s awful,” says emotional George Lightfoot.
Many speculated why the band can’t get out of town, but it’s clear: Locals are ready to part ways too. “We love them, but it’s like. . .you know how you love to have your kids living at home growing up right? But then there is that point where they are -always- around? We’re at that point with Shawn Lightfoot Band. They need to put their clothes in a garbage bag and get out of mommy and daddy’s basement. Make room for new talent in the local industry,” says former mayor Akhbal Mund. “. . .Hell, even just one Funtastic without them would be nice,” Akhbal adds.
The speculation has run wild in decades past. Some speculate loan sharks at The Kal and Longhorn have a deal in place for them to continue performing until their financial debts have been repaid. Others think the idea of performing in larger venues is too much pressure and overwhelms the band. Others think it is in “that Jesus guy’s plan upstairs” to preserve local culture and traditions.
“In my 20s, I went backpacking in South America. I met this hot sexy Latina. The sex was incredible. Those curves. My god. I have been meaning to go back and find her in the Brazilian Highlands. I try to book direct through American Airlines, but my credit card is blocked every time–despite it being full credit in the account. It’s so sad. I miss that hot passionate sex,” says the band’s hot-blooded member Brad Lightfoot.
The band’s final member had an even quirkier past. “I was a star in a 1990s video game. Pec and I went on some crazy adventures! Pec is long dead. I kicked King Visconti’s ass. That jackass never recovered. I miss those days. Now I’m just a celebate drummer. There are plenty of cougars in Vernon, but none of them want to get laid by a fellow feline,” says anthropomorphic member Ardy Lightfoot.
The members have made it clear they all want to move on to the next chapter of their lives, and to evolve their name as a band throughout the BC Interior, but as long as the barrier is left in place, the band is doomed to overstay their welcome in the community. Hopefully the mystery can be resolved soon–not just for their benefit; but for ours as well.