The Amazing Race 20 Episode Four Rankings

EPISODE BLOG #301

Threesomes With Gina Marie Are Supposed To Be Good And Fun”

COUNTRIES VISITED

ARGENTINA – PARAGUAY – ITALY – GERMANY – AZERBAIJAN – TANZANIA – INDIA – JAPAN – UNITED STATES

Previously on TAR: Nine teams raced from Buenos Aires to Asuncion, Paraguay. After two legs on top, Dave & Rachel came crashing down “forcing” them to use their Express Pass.

Meanwhile, Art & JJ stacked and danced all the way to first place.

After a long day of frustration, Vanessa & Ralph had one last chance and the dating divorcees came out on top sending twins Elliot & Andrew home.

Eight teams remain; who will be eliminated next?

Intro time.

MENTIONED IN THE ‘PREVIOUSLY ON’ SEGMENT

DAVE & RACHEL 3

ART & JJ 2

JOEY” FITNESS & DANNY 1

MISA & MAIYA 1

MARK & BOPPER 1

DAVE & CHERIE 1

ELLIOT & ANDREW 1

VANESSA & RALPH 1

Phil introduces us to Asuncion, Paraguay and the city’s Seven Hills. The pit stop was on one of these seven hills.

asuncion hills

The Seven Hills. Sounds like a quest you would find in Legend of Zelda.

link to the past map

“Collect a medallion from each of the Seven Hills before you proceed to face off against Ganondorf.”

Art & JJ, who arrived at an unspecified time, will depart first at 5:10pm. They read that they must fly to Turin, Italy—Italy’s Motor City.

detroit.jpg

It’s like Detroit but with less crime and more exposed chest hair.

turin art jj

Art & JJ aren’t even upset that their Spanish advantage is gone.

It’s time to fly over six thousand miles. When they land they must choose a Ford Focus and drive themselves to the Lingotto Building to find their next clue.

turin art jj 1

Surprisingly, there’s no mention of Turin hosting the 2006 Winter Olympics.

turin lingotto building

It looks like a place which waits for UFOs to land on its roof.

ART: I didn’t bring my Italian loafers, though.

asuncion art jj 1

“I only have my socks with sandals. . .that’ll be fine, right?”

JJ: We really don’t think we should be anything but number one every leg.

asuncion art jj 2

“Except for the first two legs. Those don’t count.”

JJ: There’s nobody that has the strength or intellect that we do to win.

cafayate dave rachel brown 3

Except the team that has won two out of the first three legs.

Art & JJ are at a travel agency. When is the first flight?

asuncion jj carrell

asuncion art velez

No flight scrambling today. All of the intellect in the world can’t hold off a basic TAR equalizer.

asuncion travel agent

“I would put you guys on the 8:30am flight, but you guys stopped my sister at the border, Julia. I know it was you. She said the agent referred to himself as ‘The Dennis Rodman of catching rebounding migrants.’ And he wore a douchey bandana that he stole from a freshman’s fraternity at an Ultimate Frisbee tournament.”

asuncion art jj 3

You’re going to have to work a bit harder this leg, guys.

JJ: Another night in the airport.

Oh, I’m sure this group is going to get along great after a night in the airport together.

Art & JJ are already at the airport.

asuncion art jj 4

ART: Gonna get something funky to eat.

JJ: There’s another team!

ART: Where?

JJ: Just teasin’.

Classic prank.

Brendon & Rachel depart second at 9:59pm. Yes, Art & JJ beat eight other teams by four hours and forty-nine minutes or more without any advantages or Fast Forwards. I need to scan through 299 other legs if that is a record for four teams to start the day on equal footing and win by that large of margin fair and square.

asuncion brenchel

I love how Rachel takes off even before Brendon can comprehend which country they are going to.

Brendon & Rachel talk about planning their wedding.

BRENDON: We are getting a nice little preview of our honeymoon.

asuncion brenchel 1

You mean your honeymoon will include getting nearly run over by a Jeep and nearly triggering an asthma attack against a couple of gym rat Guidos? That’s what you refer to as a -nice- honeymoon?

Joey Fitness & “Danny” depart third at 10:00pm.

DANNY: I don’t know too much about Paraguay.

JOEY: The only thing we know are the pretty girls here.

DANNY: The girls are HOT as hell over here, though.

asuncion joey danny

tevin.jpg

They’re so pretty that Tevin would have to throw the first immunity challenge just to vote them out!

JOEY: So are Italian girls.

DANNY: The Italian girls are hot.

JOEY: I think you like all cultures of women, so you’re alright.

DANNY: I’m not picky.

asuncion joey danny 1

“You like getting STDs from all cultures of women.”

“I’m not picky.”

asuncion driver

“We’re so alike.”

Mark & Bopper depart fourth at 10:08pm.

asuncion mark bopper

Two seconds in and Bopper has already called for timeout. I love Mark doubling up on glasses, by the way.

Mark reads they are going to Italy.

asuncion bopper minton

Turin, Italy? Tropical?

turin tropical

You can be walking in your speedo and run between the palm trees while sipping on pineapple juice around here in Turin! So tropical!

BOPPER: I have a seven year old daughter. She is very sick. She is on seven different medications for respiratory conditions. That is what the whole race is for me. This is what the whole opportunity is for me—to better my child’s life.

asuncion bopper minton 1

I won’t comment on this now, but keep this piece of info filed away for later as we’ll dive into this subject in far greater detail. It’s one of the pieces of what makes Mark & Bopper being cast for the race a bit uncomfortable from my perspective. It makes me really feel for Bopper because I don’t think he is quite ready for the long term impact that being cast for TAR will have on him yet.

BOPPER: How many times have you been to Italy?

MARK: Oh, about three or four.

asuncion mark bopper 1

I don’t know why Bopper is wearing a shirt that says “Gay Co.” I suppose it is Pride Month.

Nary & Jamie depart fifth at 10:09pm.

asuncion nary jamie

“I went on a teaching exchange there last year! It was so much fun!”

“Jamie, we’re not real–”

“I know.”

Jamie smacks Mark & Bopper’s cab with the clue like it’s a dog’s nose.

asuncion jamie graetz

Bad cabbie, bad!

Nary & Jamie go to a travel agency while Mark & Bopper are heading to the airport.

MARK: Look at what they’re—what a job. We’re Kentucky no more, Toto.

asuncion women

Mark starts whistling.

asuncion mark bopper 3

“Think they’ll come to Clay County?”

asuncion women 1

black eyed peas taboo

He’s like Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas!

MARK: Lordy lordy.

asuncion mark bopper 2

nicki minaj monster

Paraguayan girls

With thick ass

Give Mark whiplash

They think big

Get cash

Make Kentucky blink fast

Dave & Rachel depart sixth at 10:10pm. That is not a typo.

asuncion dave rachel brown

It really isn’t.

Kerri & Stacy commence in seventh at 10:45pm. They scream with excitement.

Brendon & Rachel are at the travel agency.

asuncion brenchel 2

So focused.

Joey & Danny leave their bags in the cab. They copy Brendon & Rachel’s 10:35am arrival.

Nary & Jamie and Dave & Rachel are at the same travel agency. Dave wonders out loud if some teams went to the airport rather than a travel agency.

asuncion travel agent 1

Good luck concealing the 10:35am flight from the other teams.

DAVE: I think Kentucky went to the airport.

JAMIE: They were like “To the airport!” and I was like “no”.

RACHEL: They just maybe won’t get on a flight that we do.

turin jamie graetz

turin jamie graetz 1

Jamie retells her interactions with Mark & Bopper in a much more animated fashion.

Mark & Bopper join Art & JJ at a restaurant.

MARK: I see you! Don’t hide!

asuncion art jj 5

“Damn. Mark spotted us amongst the biggest crowd at the airport we could find. We were so inconspicuous.”

asuncion mark bopper 4

“No one else is here! Our taxi driver rules!”

They hug it out with Art & JJ.

Bopper asks if Art & JJ already have tickets.

BOPPER: Did you guys already have tickets?

ART: Did you guys go to the travel agent?

asuncion art jj 6

I think Art & JJ know the answer to that question.

BOPPER: No, not yet. We’re getting ready to go–

MARK: Where is the travel agent?

JJ: You gotta go to the travel agent before you come here.

MARK: You lying?

BOPPER: We thought the travel agency would be–

JJ: No, you gotta go all the way back.

MARK: You kidding?

asuncion mark bopper 5

You can tell Bopper is already visualizing that first flight slipping away.

asuncion mark jackson

No helados for you.

Art & JJ think Mark & Bopper are great guys and know they would reciprocate if they could.

asuncion art velez 1

phoenix wright head

Art and Phoenix feel Mark & Bopper’s pain.

Vanessa & Ralph depart in last at 12:15pm. That would be over nineteen hours after Art & JJ. Wow. They REALLY struggled.

asuncion vanessa ralph

Wait, why is it pitch black outside? I know it’s the southern hemisphere, but light and dark hours aren’t in complete reverse during the day, right?

Oh. It was a typo. Vanessa & Ralph are only seven hours behind Art & JJ. That’s nothing.

Ralph describes the previous leg as the worst day of their lives. Forget one of their parents dying or something. Stacking watermelons incorrectly was just a nightmare.

asuncion vanessa ralph 1

“Or the time my uterus went up into my throat.”

asuncion kerri stacy

Kerri & Stacy find a retired grandmother to book tickets for them at the travel agency.

edith bunker

Or Edith Bunker. One of the two.

Kerri & Stacy are on the 10:35am flight.

Vanessa & Ralph are next in the travel agency. Edith Bunker tells them she will look again for flights.

asuncion vanessa ralph 2

“I just learned how to use one of these computing things last week.”

While Edith tries to figure out the Internet, Vanessa & Ralph decide to check out Rachel.

RALPH: Is she wearing sequins today?

asuncion rachel kerri stacy

She is like one of the girls I went to school with in the second grade.

asuncion rachel reilly

bart simpson earring

“Sparkle, sparkle.”

VANESSA: Dang. Holy disco ball, Batman.

asuncion vanessa ralph 3

“Ha! Ha! I can see Rachel’s whole entire sph—er, sequins.”

asuncion vanessa ralph 4

I wonder how many more rounds it will take before Rachel’s fashion choices aren’t the ubject of ridicule by Vanessa & Ralph.

Bopper hopes there are still tickets available. Mark is frazzled when they enter the travel agency. He is shaking. Bopper tells him to calm down.

Vanessa & Ralph book the 10:35am flight.

VANESSA: This is for sure the fastest flight.

EDITH: Yes. There is NOTHING.

asuncion woman

“If there is something earlier, this Paraguayan Internet connection can suck my dick.”

asuncion vanessa ralph 5

For barely scraping onto the first flight, Ralph sure could be a bit more excited about it. Also, their wrists are courtesy of Planet Buff!

Mark & Bopper receive tickets too.

asuncion mark bopper 6

Mark & Bopper are the only ones stuck on the second flight.

Bopper of course is unaware of this and does a “We Are Going to Italy” jig in his chair.

asuncion mark bopper 7

asuncion mark bopper 8

asuncion mark bopper 9

“You can join in anytime, Mark.”

asuncion mark bopper 10

“Anytime, man.”

We skip ahead to morning while everyone, including Mark & Bopper, sit in the same gate.

charla mirna flight 1charla mirna flight

I don’t know how, but Charla & Mirna sneak away from everyone to get on the earlier flight. Those sneaky cousins.

asuncion airport

It’s five teams and random dude with tablet.

“Joey” asks to look at Mark & Bopper’s tickets.

asuncion airport 1

“You ain’t on our flight, bro. You’re over an hour behind us.”

asuncion joey fitness

“I haven’t seen anybody this screwed since I had that threesome with Gina Marie and her cousin.”

asuncion bopper minton 2

“Oh my tater.”

Mark & Bopper ask for a standby spot on the Alitalia flight.

vanessa celina

“Standby? What’s that?”

asuncion mark bopper 11

Production is scrambling as they are on the verge of losing their fan favourites on leg four.

asuncion brenchel 3

“Soooo, I’m an alternate if your sister drops out if you want to race a few more times, right babe?”

asuncion kerri stacy 1

“The camera guy just referred to us as “Team Mississippi.” Fuck him. I bet Vanessa & Ralph are gonna block us on the plane too.”

asuncion vanessa ralph 6

“Ma’am, your uterus can’t fit in the overhead compartment. We have to check it and put it into the undercarriage.”

“Oh. It’s been a while since that’s happened.”

Joey Fitness & “Danny” walk on-board.

DANNY (making stereotypical closed hand gesture): Mama Mia!

asuncion joey danny 2

Am I the only one that thinks the Guidos are going to get their asses kicked within ten minutes of landing in Italy?

india joe bill

And it won’t even be for blocking a gate in Rome this time.

Mark & Bopper keep waiting.

asuncion mark bopper 12

PRODUCER #1: Fuck.

PRODUCER #2: Better make this a NEL.

asuncion mark bopper 13

“Wanna go for one of those helados while we wait?”

“I dunno what they are. Only saw ’em on those signs.”

“Maybe it’s something cold like a popsicle.”

“Yeah. Hopefully something tropical.”

Commercial break. We resume.

asuncion plane

The plane takes off without ’em.

asuncion kimbo

Mark & Bopper are stuck all alone in the airport.

kimbo slice

You know what they say on The Amazing Race: That’s the way Kimbo Slices.

Mark & Bopper eventually board the final flight.

BOPPER: We’re not gonna give up. We gotta run hard and think deeply.

asuncion mark bopper 14

“The tropical heat won’t affect us one bit!”

First flight lands in Turin.

turin landscape

turin landscape 1

I love the green, the white, and the red.

turin spiked balls

mario spike

I guess our favourite Italian plumber is still eliminating the spike balls in the rest of the country, and will work his way into Turin.

turin rachel brown

Can’t even exit the airport without Dave & Rachel being in first place.

Teams land in Turin and search for the marked cars in the parking lot.

turin ford

Bing!

turin ford

Vrooom! Vrooom! It’s TAR Canada’s equivalent to Chevy.

turin focus

What car do you think they are driving?

Art & JJ complain there are no street signs and are driving train tracks.

RACHEL: Are we in the wrong lane?

BRENDON: I don’t know, babe.

RACHEL: Now I know why Italians hate Americans because we’re idiots.

turin brendon rachelturin brendon rachel 1

 

I don’t know why this conversation triggers a slow motion head turn in the edit, but it does.

Joey & Danny are driving too.

DANNY: Nice to date an Italian girl. Can never trust her so we’re not gonna ask Italian women.

JOEY: My girlfriend is Italian and I trust her.

DANNY: Well, there we go.

turin joey danny

Fun fact: Danny fucked Joey’s girlfriend two months prior to the filming of the race. Can’t say he didn’t warn you! #GuidoLifestyle, baby!

Jamie thinks the landscape is pretty.

Dave & Rachel have an amusing fight.

RACHEL: You need to tell me where to go now.

DAVE: I can’t see with your visor down.

RACHEL: I can’t see either.

turin rachel brown 1

turin rachel brown 3

turin rachel brown 2

You know what they say in the Brown household. . .

limp bizkit my way

“It’s Dave’s Way or the Highway!”

DAVE: Stop being a Wise Ass.

RACHEL: I’m not being a Wise Ass.

DAVE: Yes, you are. Just focus on what you want to do.

Oh, I think I know what Rachel wants to do—file for divorce.

turin dave rachel brown

“Stop being a Wise Ass, soldier! Ten-hut!”

Rachel swerves into a gas station.

DAVE: What the fuck are you doing?

turin rachel brown 4

turin dave brown

“Maybe you’re not a Wise Ass, soldier.”

DAVE: What are you doing?

RACHEL: Why don’t you drive? Go.

DAVE: You just yelled “go.”

RACHEL: You’re being testy today.

turin dave rachel brown 1

shamir

“Testy”? Just wait until TAR 31 when Rachel runs the race with Shamir.

Kerri & Stacy are still in the airport because, as Andre & Damon would say, “they can’t freaking drive a stick.”

Kerri can’t drive so they have to switch.

turin kerri paul

Ford will not be happy with this footage.

turin kerri paul 1

Kerri hides her face from the audience.

Art & JJ are first to the route marker. They have to run up the parking garage. It is a gigantic circular ramp. Brendon & Rachel are right behind.

turin art jj 2

turin lingotto building 1

Art isn’t going to like this.

turin art jj 3

Oddly enough, this is what Zack said when talking about Paige in Australian Survivor earlier this week.

turin brendon rachel 2

I think they’ll catch up quick.

Joey & Danny and Vanessa & Ralph work together while driving. Joey points out the Lingotto sign.

RALPH: Give us a five minute head start. I’ve got this thing.

turin ralph kelley

“I’m going to have to push her ass up there like a donkey.”

VANESSA: You’re a dick.

turin vanessa macias

Or an asshole. Or a c—t. With Vanessa’s vocab, you never know.

Nary & Jamie are fifth to the Lingotto.

VANESSA: I’m going to die.

RALPH: It’s not even steep.

Art & JJ are first to the top. There’s a Fast Forward.

turin art jj 4

Yes, our first Fast Forward in the game since TAR 17.

turin phil keoghan

Because casual fans can’t remember what they had for breakfast yesterday, Phil has to give us a refresher on the Fast Forward.

In this Fast Forward, teams must land a helicopter on a building.

Wow. That’s a helluva Fast Forward.

turin helicopter

Oh. A toy helicopter. I guess you need some sort of pilot’s license for a real one.

Teams must use a remote-controlled helicopter while their parter wears a model of the Lingotto building. Once they’ve made a perfect landing, they will receive their next clue.

turin fast forward

If only it was the real Lingotto attached to their helmet.

turin helmet

That guy is really jacked about landing that helicopter.

Art & JJ are doing the Fast Forward. Brendon & Rachel do the Roadblock.

In this Roadblock, one team member will rappel 120 feet down the Lingotto.

turin roadblockturin roadblock 1

 

It’s pretty much the ideal setup for a rappelling task. On the way down, team members must grab a clue and meet their partner at the bottom. If they fail to get the clue in the two minutes allotted, they must run back to the top and try again.

turin roadblock 2

But everyone should be able to do it on their first attempt, right?

Art & JJ run to what they think will be a real helicopter.

turin helmet 1

surprise

“Surprise, motherfuckers.”

ART: You’ve got to be kidding. I thought we were going to man a real helicopter.

JJ: No. It was put a stupid helmet on and Art will fly a toy helicopter onto my head.

This task would later be used in TAR Asia 5.

JJ: It’s all you, you freaking monkey!

turin jj carrell

turin jj carrell 1

Actually, I think JJ looks more like the monkey right now.

turin art jj 5

Art is closer to landing the helicopter on his own head.

turin controller

Man, that controller sucks. It looks more like a MadCatz controller.

turin art jj 6

Art gets close but the helicopter smashes against the side of JJ’s helmet.

Rachel and Danny are first to the Roadblock. Rachel has rappelled before.

turin rachel reilly

Rachel puts the clue in her mouth like a dog fetching for a stick as a man casually chats on his cell phone.

Danny grabs the clue easily.

BRENDON: She was done before the boys.

. . .Because she started before any of the boys?

turin rachel reilly 1turin rachel reilly 2

 

Rachel is hilariously off-balance while the safety guy tries to remove her from the harness.

DANNY: I got the biggest wedgie in the world right now.

turin danny horal

“No anal for me tonight, bro.”

Rachel reads teams must go to the Museo Nazionale Dell’Automobile. They then must park on the street using the Ford’s Active Park Assist feature. They’ll go into the museo and find the 1916 Tin Lizzie and find the 2 cent Euro coin clue.

martin prince lizzie

“Tin Lizzie Active Parks with a wet noodle, Bart.”

Both teams get in the car.

RACHEL: Jersey Shore is right next to us.

turin brendon villegas

“I thought we beat the boys?!”

KERRI: I’m trying to keep it positive. On the inside, I’m puking. On the outside, I’m cutesy.

turin kerri paul 2

That purple and pink outfit won’t be so “cutesy” once it turns into a greenish brown sludge.

STACY: Mama Mia.

turin kerri stacy

“I don’t know why, but I attribute this to everyone else wanting to pick on the all-female teams.”

Mark & Bopper’s flight lands. They try to make up time.

BOPPER: You know Italian?

MARK: I know a little Italy. Italy. That’s all I know.

Brilliant.

turin mark bopper

Also saying it is nicknamed “Das Boot” or simply naming the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would have helped.

Dave & Rachel are sixth to the Roadblock. Rachel is gonna do it. Dave doesn’t consider doing the Fast Forward.

DAVE: We’re bypassing that Fast Forward. Somebody had to have done that already.

**TWO MINUTES LATER**

DAVE: Hey, babe. Look at this. Fast Forward is landing a helicopter to a helipad. What if nobody has done it–

RACHEL: There’s so many teams here–

DAVE: Babe, there’s five teams here.

RACHEL: You seriously want to do it right now?

turin dave rachel brown 2

ron kelly introron soweto

“I am trained to operate heavily mobile machinery.”

Yes, this argument is very Ron & Kelly-esque.

DAVE: Aight. Go ahead. Go ahead.

RACHEL: It’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

DAVE (sarcastic): Fast Forward is land a helicopter to a helipad. Hmmm. Being a helicopter pilot I could be potentially successful at that.

RACHEL: Where’s Art & JJ?

turin rachel brown 5

“Unless they’ve captured Brendon and extradited him back to Mexico, I think they’ve got the Fast Forward, babe.”

turin art jj 7

“Whatever you do Art, don’t fly it underneath my visor.”

RACHEL: Have you ever flown a handheld helicopter?

DAVE: You don’t know that’s what it is.

RACHEL: It’s a real one. You get to fly a real helicopter?

turin rachel brown 6

“If we get to fly a real helicopter, then we’re a happily married couple too.”

DAVE: Could potentially just be directing him to land at a helipad, but if you’re going to continue to act the way you are, I’ll meet you down there.

Ralph asks Vanessa to come down. She’s swaying. Jamie is doing the Roadblock too. Vanessa slowly descends. Very slowly.

turin vanessa jamie

Vanessa keeps kicking her feet in the air like a cat flailing in a swimming pool.

VANESSA: How are people doing this?

turin vanessa jamie 1

It’s not the answer Nessa wanted to hear.

Dave describes the situation.

DAVE: It’s a bit of a marital personality conflict right now. I hope she changes her demeanour. Otherwise this will be an extremely long leg if not race.

turin dave brown 1

“And by ‘change her demeanour’ I mean ‘she would not let me play with my chopper toys’.”

turin vanessa jamie 2turin vanessa jamie 3

 

So close but yet so. . .well, but yet still not so close for Vanessa as time runs out.

time up

I feel like the announcer from Super Smash Bros. Melee should cut in during challenges like this.

turin ralph kelley 1

Ralph is not happy with Vanessa’s performance.

Jamie runs out of time too.

Rachel gets her swing on. She kicks herself off of the first spiral to get momentum. She collects her clue quickly. Her and Dave jump up to third.

It is time for Brendon & Rachel to use the Active Park feature.

RACHEL: There’s a parking spot right here.

BRENDON: Yes, I got it.

RACHEL: Press the button. Now reverse. Reverse babe before another car–

BRENDON: OK!

turin ford 2

The Active Park feature:

turin brendon rachel 3

Actively turning up the heat in showmances since 2011.

BRENDON: Dammit. Just–

RACHEL: Don’t talk to me like that.

BRENDON: I know, but talk to me. Don’t yell at me.

turin brendon rachel 4

“Enough of your nonsense, woman!”

Joey Fitness “&” Danny are using the Active Park feature too.

turin ford 3

You know this filmed in December of 2011 when you’ve got somebody wearing a Santa Claus hat.

turin joey lasalla

turin joey lasalla 1

“Look, Ma! No hands!”

JOEY: The wheel turns and slides perfectly into place.

turin joey lasalla 2

Don’t worry, folks—we get treated to this commercial seven more times.

Joey & Danny are inside the museum looking for Tin Lizzie.

DANNY: It’s gonna be old.

turin car

massari rush the floor

I mean, this car is old too. It goes way back to that Massari music video in 2006.

RACHEL: Keep going.

BRENDON: I am, would you—please. Let’s go.

turin brendon rachel 5

Brendon has only been in Turin for two hours and is already talking with his hands.

Brendon’s Active Park is finished.

RACHEL: You were so embarrassing! You just raised your fist at me! I hate you!

turin brendon rachel 6

“I was doing the universal Okie-Dokie hand gesture—no fists were closed with the “why I oughta!” hand gesture, Rach!”

BRENDON: I did not raise my fist at you.

RACHEL: Jerk.

BRENDON: I did not raise my fist at you.

RACHEL: And you can’t talk to me when you get under pressure like that! It’s not OK!

turin brendon rachel 7

I. . .I think you might have been the one under pressure in this situation, Rachel.

BRENDON: Just stop. Stop. Stop.

RACHEL: This isn’t even worth a million dollars.

BRENDON: We’ll quit the race right now.

turin brendon rachel 8

For the first time ever, a team will quit without it being due to injury or assuming they are hopelessly in last place.

RACHEL: Fine. Quit.

BRENDON: No, if you don’t. . .stop yelling.

turin brendon rachel 9

Brendon’s tactic backfired, and backfired hard.

JJ: Steady. Walk it. I think this is the time.

turin jj carrell 2

. . .

turin jj carrell 3

JJ just casually walks away.

turin art velez

. . .Next time is the time.

get to the choppa

When Ahnold said “get to the chopper, get down!” I don’t think he meant the chopper itself.

JJ: You think you can do it within the next thirty minutes?

ART: Eventually.

turin jj carrell 4

“God help us all.”

Vanessa and Jaime have the technique down. Jamie is first to snag her clue. Vanessa follows shortly thereafter. Angel has got it. When the safety dude undoos. . .undoes? When the safety dude undoes the harness, he collides with Vanessa’s face.

turin vanessa macias 1turin vanessa macias 2turin vanessa macias 3

 

I don’t know. Do I look like a nasal appraiser to you, Angel?

pinocchio

rick james

But I think these two guys are.

RALPH: Hopefully JJ and Art don’t get the Fast Forward.

**TWO SECONDS LATER**

turin art jj 8

turin jj carrell 5

Ralph jinxed it for himself.

The Fast Forward is claimed for the first time in three seasons.

turin art jj 9

turin pit stop

And it is won by the most popular team in TAR history.

Kerri hesitates to thank Jesus and instead thanks God for getting to the Lingotto building.

turin stacy bowers

I am surprised Stacy’s pants didn’t become a trend in future seasons.

BOPPER: We’re looking for the Linguido Building.

rome joe bill

Joe & Bill are a Cult of Personality in Turin.

Brendon & Rachel have an absurd fight in the automobile museum.

turin brendon rachel 10

You know how the fans who hate BB and don’t like to see crossovers from lesser esteemed reality shows come onto TAR to continue bickering on sacred ground? Yeah, Brenchel are absolutely hated by that demographic right now.

I can guarantee you there were accusations of them pretending to fight for the sake of gaining airtime.

RACHEL: I will stop right now and get last place. You have no right to talk to me like that.

turin brendon rachel 11

Brendon starts choking himself. Perhaps having the car start its engine and run him over would be equally enticing to Brendon at this moment.

Dave & Rachel, Nary & Jamie, and Vanessa & Ralph see Santa Clauses in the street.

RACHEL: It’s the Santa Pub Crawl.

turin santa claus

It’s Jolly St. Nico.

turin santa claus 1

They will soon be laughing like a bowl full of jello shots.

Ralph takes his hands off the wheel for the Active Park.

turin ralph kelley 2

VANESSA: That’s cool! It’s like Knight Rider! “Well Michael, I think you should wear your leather pants today.”

So that is why Vanessa & Ralph eventually break up. Angel just wanted a leather daddy.

NARY: That was sweet. Was hysterical.

JAMIE: That was wild. Wow, Ford.

turin jamie graetz 2

“My first kid is going to be named Ford.”

We skip to Stacy already doing the Roadblock.

KERRI: I should’ve done this one.

turin stacy bowers 1

“If only somebody could block me from doing this like they did on the plane.”

turin kerri paul 3

Coulda would shoulda. Welcome to TAR, Biloxi.

KERRI: Good job, that’s how you do it! Now slide your little butt down so we can go.

santa barbara mark bopper 12

“It ain’t little, Mississippi!”

Kerri asks Stacy if she is doing all of the heights tasks to cancel out her fear.

A country music theme plays as Bopper keeps struggling with pronunciation. They can’t sound it out despite the logic to it.

MARK: How did he get that outta that? They don’t speak no English neither, brother.

Wow.

turin mark bopper 1

“We gots to be ESL teachers when we get home yonder, Bopper.”

Brendon & Rachel find the Tin Lizzie with a case containing a two cent Euro coin.

turin mole antonelianna

They must figure out the building on the coin is the Mole Antonelianna where they will find their next clue.

turin coin

Look at that building.

de mol

Antonelianna was of course the mole in the second season of the Italian version.

Brendon & Rachel wonder if there’s a slot in the car that they put the coin in to release their next clue.

turin brendon rachel 12

Yes, a Tin Lizzie from the 60s has a secret compartment with a pinball machine inside that will release your next clue. Hell, let’s throw in a fucking skee ball game in the trunk too.

turin brendon rachel 13

Brendon starts playing with the side view mirror with a mirror to his right side.

BRENDON: I have my BS in General Physics and my Masters in Applied Physics and doing my PhD in Biomedical Physics.

turin brendon rachel 14

Which is why he likes tweedling with mirrors on cars.

Joey & Danny are second to claim the coin. Dave & Rachel are third.

turin dave rachel brown 3

This image is such a metaphor for their future.

Vanessa & Ralph are fourth. Nary & Jamie are fifth. Rachel asks for the year on the coin. Brendon sees the coin was made in 2011. Dunno how that helps.

I can’t believe I am typing this sentence, but Rachel is asking Santa Claus for help with directions on The Amazing Race.

turin rachel brown 7

“Can you direct me to where the cookies and milk are? No, not the reindeer. The cookies and milk.”

Santa Claus recognizes the Mole Antonelianna.

turin rachel brown 8

Rachel is ridiculously happy to find out it is in the centre of the city.

turin danny horal 1

“I wonder if my Jewish friends in NYC would prefer seeing a thousand people dressed as the Maccabees.”

Brendon & Rachel watch all of the other teams driving away. Dave & Rachel continue to argue.

RACHEL: They said to go back there.

DAVE: Baby, as soon as I drive it’s logged in my mind. This is going to take us back to where we were.

RACHEL: That’s maybe why we should follow the directions people gave us.

DAVE: Do you want to be supportive or do you want to continue the way you’ve been this whole leg?

RACHEL: I’ll be supportive when you follow the directions of the people who live here. Do you see a roundabout?

DAVE: It’s a freakin’ one-way. Just kill it right now.

RACHEL: All of the Santa Clauses told us to go that way.

DAVE: Rachel. You are–

RACHEL: I suggest you follow the directions of the people who live here.

DAVE: I’m going to stop before I say something I regret.

turin santa claus 2

To be fair, if somebody said “The Santa Clauses told me the way to go,” I would think my partner had completely lost their mind too. What’s next? The Tooth Fairies told you how to complete a Roadblock? The Easter Bunny helped you earn an Express Pass?

turin dave rachel brown 4

“I suggest you follow what Peter Cottontail told me and stop at the Cadbury Factory to pick up a hundred cream eggs and Active Park on the Bunny Trail.”

Brendon & Rachel are standing outside. Brendon asks Rachel if they want to continue racing or stop here and call it quits.

turin brendon rachel 15

They start playing with imaginary wedding rings.

RACHEL: Why would I want to call it quits here? You say that about everything, Brendon. Just like your PhD.

turin rachel reilly 3

And there isn’t a Battle Back twist on The Amazing Race.

BRENDON: We’ve hit a brick wall in this whole experience.

RACHEL: And our marriage.

BRENDON: Is that what you really think?

RACHEL: Yeah. Maybe you shouldn’t yell at me and be mean to me.

turin brendon rachel 16

Just think Rachel Reilly was -this- close to quitting The Amazing Race on episode four of her first appearance. Boy oh boy would that have altered her history on TAR.

Commercial break. We resume.

Brendon & Rachel look at the coin and decide to go to the building on the coin.

RACHEL: Let’s go there and stop embarrassing ourselves.

BRENDON: Should I head that way? That’s where the centre is.

RACHEL: I don’t know where the centre is, Brendon. I don’t live in Italy. Obviously.

turin rachel reilly 4

“I obviously live in France. Have you seen the beret on my head?”

Kerri & Stacy use their Active Park feature.

KERRI: Gotta get me a Ford Focus!

 

turin kerri stacy 1

I can’t tell who would stand out more in Turin today—Rachel’s green sequins, Kerri & Stacy’s purple and leopard print outfit, or Santa Clauses.

Mark & Bopper are last to the Roadblock. Bopper is doing it. No more heights tasks for Mark. Bopper tries to use it like a ratchet. Cue country bumpkin music for the millionth time already.

turin bopper minton

Just keep pullin’, Bop!

turin mark bopper 2

“Can barely open my fist now!”

Bopper has the clue.

turin bopper minton 1

Of course that gets referenced.

Mark & Bopper drive to find Tin Lizzie.

Art & JJ find parking outside of the Piazza.

JJ: We just gotta find the Piazza.

mike piazza

Please let him be the pit stop greeter.

turin art jj 10

For the second leg in a row, they are several hours ahead of the other teams.

turin art jj 11

Art & JJ start running.

turin pit stop greeter

“Welcome to Torino, Italy!”

ART: Heeeeeeeey!

JJ: Heeeeeeey!

GREETER: Heeeeeeeeeeey!

turin art jj 12

“Quick! I’ve got him, JJ! Check the green card in his pocket!”

PHIL: Heeeeeeeeey!

ART: Heeeeeey, Phil.

PHIL: Heeeeey.

turin phil keoghan 1

Canadians get dissed for saying ‘ehhhhh,’ all of the time but Italians get away with it for some reason.

FIRST PLACE: ART & JJ

turin art jj 13

JJ is so happy he could eat a clue. Who does he think he is?

werner joubert

Werner from Survivor: South Africa?

Their prize? Five thousand dollars each.

JJ says they want to win three legs in a row.

JJ: The race takes you from the highs to the lows, and it’s rapid.

turin art jj 14

And JJ accidentally foreshadowed Art’s ending to this season in a very literal fashion.

Meanwhile, Nary & Jamie spot the building without asking for directions. Vanessa & Ralph and Joey & Danny accomplish the same thing. Dave & Rachel make it there too.

DAVE: Let’s remedy the situation.

RACHEL: Just stop talking. How about that?

That’s one remedy.

Joey & Danny are leading the pack as they are alone in the elevator.

turin elevator

turin elevator 1

“Neat elevator, bro.”

turin joey danny 1

DANNY: We’ve got some beautiful ladies in the elevator with me.

turin elevator 2

timbaland elevator

“She’s about to be stuck on Danny’s ele-ele-elevator.”

JOEY: Hello.

turin joey danny 2

“Would you like to be our Gina Marie? Get your camcorders ready!”

turin elevator 3

“Kill me now.”

I guess Joey & Danny won’t be able to “vini vidi vici” their elevator attendant going up to the top floor. I feel so bad for them.

turin joey danny 3

drake started.jpg

“Started from the bottom now we here.”

In this Detour, teams must choose between Clean That Statue and Name That Salami.

turin joey danny 4

“I wish they would do a better job at hinting what the task could be.”

monaco detour

“How about you fuckers be grateful for what you have.”

In Clean That Statue, teams must learn what it takes to preserve the city treasures.

turin phil keoghan 2

I personally think Joey & Danny deserve a hosing down after a night at the club much more than any Italian statue I can think of.

Using the equipment provided, they must carefully clean these statues. Once they’re restored to their pristine state, they’ll receive their next clue.

turin statue

“I’m trying so hard to perm, y’all.”

turin man

If this were Portland, Oregon, this Detour would take several hours just to get all of the human urine off of it from the previous night.

turin hair

kate pat pinkie

Ah, I see our Pristine Statue Inspector has gone with the “Kate & Pat 2018” look.

In Name That Salami, teams are required tot aste a popular cuisine.

turin phil keoghan 3

“All while this man stands awkwardly behind you eyeing you with deep suspicion.”

First, they must find Gastronomia Salumeria.

turin gastronomia

 

There is no way you can say Gastronomia Salumeria without pinching your thumb against your four fingers while tilting your hand upwards.

Tasting fourteen distinct salamis, they must travel half a mile to the Piazza Vittorio Veneto to identify those fourteen salamis by their correct name. Once successfully named, they will receive their clue from the salumiere.

turin cacciatorino

turin salami

As a vegetarian, I don’t know how anyone can find these textures appetizing. You’re all heathens.

turin tartufo

Tartufo is not Italian for “TARTofu,” is it?

turin mucca

It looks more like brownies than salami. I’ll make sure not to make that mistake.

turin salami 1

“Why yes, I would like the salami shaped like a scrotum.”

turin women

“It’s our most popular one in stock. We don’t know why.”

Joey & Danny examine the options.

turin detour

Grunt work is more Joey & Danny’s style. And it should say “restored the statue to its original glory” rather than “restored the statue to it’s original glory.” Proofread much, TAR clue writers?

DANNY: Salami is not my thing.

turin joey danny 5

“If it was identifying the fourteen flavours of fish tacos, Joey and I would be all over that shit.”

Dave & Rachel ride in the elevator.

turin dave rachel brown 5

“I wonder how many people can be blown up with a missile at that height.”

Dave & Rachel marvel at the view. Especially Dave.

turin view

Ah, their conflict has eased off for the day. They are appreciating the race.

**TWO SECONDS LATER**

turin dave rachel brown 6

“Open the damn clue, Rach.”

turin dave rachel brown 7

“Let me read the damn clue, Rach.”

RACHEL: Really? Really?

turin dave rachel brown 8

Yep, Dave wanted to save 1.5 seconds but lost 1.2 seconds due to Rachel’s “Really? Really?” protest. However, it is a net gain of 0.3 seconds! Good job, Dave!

courtney taylor

“Seeing a team bump into each other is the most un-Canadian thing I have ever seen!”

DAVE: We deferred on the salami because that was just too much meat for us to handle.

turin dave rachel brown 9

tobias funke

“And I say fourteen flavours isn’t ENOUGH meat, my little Brown-nosing friend! Ah ha ha! Why, I spent years helping my uncle at his market where I would shove as much free meat into my mouth each day. No less than two dozen, in fact!”

Nary & Jamie find the “awesome” building. Vanessa & Ralph find the Mole building too. Ralph has a brilliant idea.

RALPH: I’m going to use the Park Assist again! Watch this bad boy!

turin active park

turin ralph kelley 3

“YAY!”

turin active park 1

Be funny if Ralph did this for every route marker for the remainder of the season.

turin ralph kelley 4

I have never seen someone so happy to drive a Ford.

london 14london 11london 13

The Active Park Roadblock sure would have made the Roadblock in TAR 7’s London leg a lot easier.

VANESSA: You’re such a weirdo.

RALPH: Oh, are we in a race? I’m sorry. I was playing with my damn park assist.

turin ralph kelley 5

“My favourite thing about London wasn’t the people, the culture, the food, the art, the statues. . .it was Park Assist!”

Nary & Jamie admire the elevator.

turin jamie graetz 3

dustin cry

Whoa, since when was Dustin subbed in for Jamie? Double agent!

Nary & Jamie choose to clean the statue.

Brendon & Rachel are driving.

turin brendon rachel 17

I am sure we all remember this gem. Take it away, Brendon & Rachel.

BRENDON: I don’t like giving up but I don’t like fightin, and this is obviously causing a huge strain in our relationship. To me it’s not worth it. It’s not worth a million dollars. So if she decides she doesn’t want to be with me because of this experience then that’s what’s gonna happen.

RACHEL: I don’t need that either, k?

BRENDON: Then why did we come on the show?

.

.

.

.

Wait for it. You know what’s coming.

RACHEL: Because I wanted to go on a trip around the world with my best friend. I thought it would be fun.

turin rachel reilly 5

turin rachel reilly 6

And that is the most iconic moment in Rachel’s TAR career.*

*Subject to change in 2019.

Vanessa & Ralph are fourth to the Detour.

RALPH: Fourteen salamis.

VANESSA: Oh, wow. That’s a lot of salami.

RALPH: So we’re gonna clean the statues.

turin vanessa ralph

Vanessa is stunned by the amount of salami producers want them to eat.

VANESSA: I haven’t had that much salami since high school.

turin vanessa ralph 1

Both try to keep a straight face.

turin vanessa ralph 2

Fail.

It’s a good thing producers did not have Vanessa go to Vietnam this season. Just imagine how she would have reacted to the currency.

Rachel also talks about her tragic experiences with salami in high school.

turin rachel reilly 6

“I wanted to eat fourteen salamis in high school with my best friend. I thought it would be fun!”

turin brendon rachel 8

Brendon’s day gets worse as they encounter Vanessa & Ralph on the elevator.

VANESSA: Hi!

turin elevator 4

turin elevator 5

Great conversation, guys.

Vanessa is amazed “Green Team is behind us now.”

justin diana

A sentence which will rarely be uttered in TAR 27.

turin vanessa ralph 3

“This is the second best thing next to Park Assist!”

Brendon & Rachel describe spotting Vanessa & Ralph.

BRENDON: We saw the Ogre.

And what is Nessa?

turin vanessa ralph 4

A trifling ho?

trifling ho

andrew big brother canada

“Brendon is being very Urban right now.”

Ah, thanks Andrew. Brendon had to pull out classic Urban Dictionary lingo to describe a loathed competitor.

BRENDON: They’re rude. They’re disgusting people.

And which Detour option does Vanessa think Brendon & Rachel will pick?

turin vanessa ralph 5

VANESSA: I bet Green Team eats the salami.

Both teams sure love their immature digs this season.

Oddly enough, Brendon & Rachel decide to eat the salami. Good call, Angel.

Brendon & Rachel ultimately get over the fight and focus on winning.

Dave & Rachel are lost on the road. So are Nary & Jamie. Nary & Jamie consider switching to salami. Vanessa & Ralph are lost too, but Vanessa points out the road behind them is where the salami task is located.

Because the statue task is easy on paper, but tough to find, Brendon & Rachel are the first team to start a task thanks to deviating from everyone else.

turin counter

He didn’t want to give away too many free samples, anyway.

RACHEL: I know nothing about salami. I know they’re on pizza. I like pizza.

turin rachel reilly 7

mirna puts sausage in mouth

Rachel does her best Mirna impression.

Kerri & Stacy find Tin Lizzie in seventh place. As they exit Mark & Bopper pull up.

BOPPER: Those are the Badonky Donk Girls.

turin mark bopper 3

All Bopper needs to do is start hanging out the passenger side and he will officially be a scrub.

turin kerri stacy 2

I am curious if Kerri & Stacy would prefer being called Mississippi than Badonky Donk Girls.

Dave & Rachel find the park of statues.

turin statues

turin statues 1

I like how even the most rundown of areas in Europe still have an abundance of fancy statues.

turin statues 2

Am I the only one expecting the statues to come to life upon contact and start throwing shit at Dave & Rachel?

turin pond

turin poseidon

Nearby we have a statue of Poseidon’s homeless cousin.

Dave & Rachel put on their outfits.

RACHEL: SEXY TIME!

And what do we do during sexy time?

turin dave rachel brown 10

turin dave rachel brown 11

Roadblock: Who is ready for a mouthful?

DAVE: Careful. Do not spray me with that. Seriously. Finesse. Rachel. Rachel. Give it to me.

turin statue 1

bruno mars finesse

This statue is dripping in Rachel’s finesse. It don’t make no sense.

Dave takes it over and is able to not shoot mist at the statue’s head, and is able to distribute it over the statue’s body. Rachel is in a fit of laughter.

RACHEL: I almost shot her head off!

turin dave rachel brown 12

Rachel nearly destroyed a priceless Turin monument! Hilarious!

Vanessa & Ralph show up. So do Joey & Danny.

VANESSA: Take all the fun toys. Take the hos! HAHAHAHAhmhmhmhm.

turin vanessa ralph 6

Angel don’t want no hos.

turin ralph kelley 6

Ralph’s hos are gonna spray it all in your face.

VANESSA: The head won’t—the head’s not–

turin vanessa ralph 7

“You knocked his block off!”

turin statue 2

Man, TAR isn’t a family show anymore when human decapitation is on full display.

turin ralph kelley 7

Just wait until Ford invents a “Decapitation Assist” feature.

turin head

aztec soccer

“Hey, we found a ball for our next game!”

The Aztecs will be pleased.

turin man 1

turin man 2

Yes, Ralph has been working out.

VANESSA: Gonna put her head back on?

RALPH: Yes, no problem.

Vanessa & Ralph clean the head.

turin vanessa ralph 8

Brendon & Rachel may be devouring a bunch o’ salami, but Angel is the one who is polishing off the head.

Joey & Danny say Joey & Danny things.

DANNY: I feel like I shoulda took her out on a date before I did this.

JOEY: She’s a dirty girl but not the type of dirty girls Danny likes.

DANNY: I don’t really know what he’s trying to say.

turin danny horal 2

“I don’t know what he is trying to say. The VD was taken care of weeks ago.”

turin joey lasalla 3

“But what about those new warts, Dan?”

DANNY: This isn’t just jealousy that comes out of Joey’s mouth. I’ve seen some girls Joey has been with in the past.

turin danny horal 3

“We call those girls a Staten 5 or a Jersey 9.”

JOEY: You scrub a nice dirty girl.

DANNY: She has a nice butt, though.

turin statue 3

I am sure they did lots of squats in 1st century Rome.

turin statue 4

If you look real closely, the statue is blushing.

Nary & Jamie are fifth to the Detour.

RACHEL: Teachers are here.

DAVE: Pay attention to what we’re doing here.

RACHEL: I am paying attention.

DAVE: As soon as you get done I can rinse.

RACHEL: Yeah, you are bitching. Why don’t you help?

DAVE: I’m not bitching.

RACHEL: Yeah, you are bitching. It’s your favourite thing to do.

turin dave rachel brown 13

Also “observe and judge” is another one of Dave’s Faves.

Nary prepares to use the hose like it’s a gun.

turin nary ebeid

turin nary ebeid 1

Headshot!

unreal tournament

This is a statue cleaning! Not a game of Unreal Tournament!

NARY: Sorry.

turin nary jamie

And Nary RUINED IT!

turin brendon rachel 19

“If famous Americans endorse our salami, we’ll be the most popular salumeria in all of Torino!”

turin brendon rachel 20

“I am half Mexican and much rather prefer beef.”

Brendon & Rachel walk to the market to guess the salami. They start racking up the correct guesses. Five out of fourteen are easy to point out. Their sixth guess is rejected. Back to the salumeria they go.

turin brendon rachel 21

It is not as entertaining as watching statues get decapitated. I’ll tell you that.

Kerri & Stacy are in seventh place as they collect the Detour clue. They choose to do the salami task.

Mark & Bopper are a full route marker behind as they find Tin Lizzie.

BOPPER: We don good.

turin mark bopper 4

Currently in last place.

The sun is setting. Granted it’s December so it’s probably only three or four o’ clock.

Dave & Rachel ask for an inspection. They complete the Detour in second place.

Teams must now drive to the pit stop—Piazza Castello. Phil has nothing interesting to say about it. It’s the fourth pit stop of the race.

turin dave rachel brown 14

After last leg’s hiccup, Dave & Rachel are right back to where you expect them to be.

turin piazza castello

turin piazza castello 1

I like how no one cares about Phil being in the plaza. It’s the antithesis of the India or Bangladesh pit stops.

Rachel thinks six of the salami flavours are similar. They run back.

RACHEL: We don’t even know which ones are right anymore.

turin brendon rachel 22

“This was way more fun in high school!”

Brendon & Rachel make another trip back to the salumeria.

Everyone else is finishing their polishing of the statue.

turin vanessa ralph 9turin vanessa ralph 10

 

You know you can slap a real butt that is less than five feet away from you, right Ralph? Judging by that slap, I think I know where the nickname “Wreck-It Ralph” comes from.

Joey & Danny’s statue is being examined.

DANNY: Hahahaha. He is looking at the butt?

Are you twelve, Danny?

turin man 3

turin vanessa macias 5

Nessa is starin’ too.

Joey & Danny are currently in third place.

turin joey lasalla 4

Always gotta fist bump.

Vanessa & Ralph are fourth.

JAMIE: She’s hot. Ready for a toga party!

turin nary jamie 1

Everyone is gone and they can finally talk openly about their current CIA special ops.

Dave & Rachel run onto the mat.

turin dave rachel brown 15

Rachel has her arms up like it is the end of a marathon.

SECOND PLACE: DAVE & RACHEL

turin dave rachel brown 16

And hey, they completed more tasks than they did last week. In fact, the second Rachel grabbed the clue at the Lingotto building meant they did more than the previous round.

turin dave rachel brown 17

Dave is so happy with winning this leg over every team who didn’t use a Fast Forward.

DAVE: This leg was a complete failure from my vantage point. Our communication was lacking, and Rachel and I can only improve from this point forward.

turin dave rachel brown 18

I for one would be afraid of a team who beat -everybody- on a day that they describe as a “complete failure.” Just imagine what your chances are when they hit their stride. You may as well forfeit the race.

Kerri & Stacy enter the salumeria.

STACY: Hi! We need to taste your salami.

turin stacy bowers 2

You knew exactly what you were saying and how you were saying it.

Brendon & Rachel enter the shop to find Kerri & Stacy.

turin rachel stacy

“Oh, hi. I believe we haven’t met before.”

turin rachel reilly 8

“Did they add a twelfth team???? Who are these people?”

Brendon & Rachel review the four unknown salamis. Brendon tries to calm Rachel down.

RACHEL: I can’t taste anything anymore. . .we are not doing good and it’s not OK. It’s not OK at all! Stop holding my hand!

BRENDON: Get ahold of yourself.

RACHEL: I might purposefully jump in front of a car!

turin brendon rachel 23

Hey, the Jeep nearly got her last round. Maybe an old Italian beat up car will do the trick this time!

turin brendon villegas 1

I’d love to know what’s going through Brendon’s head right now.

turin brendon rachel 24

And I don’t even want to begin to dissect what is going through Rachel’s.

turin brendon rachel 25

If this were a China leg, the locals would hate Rachel right now. Such an offensive gesture, Rach!

Rachel tastes another piece and immediately doesn’t know what it is. She begins to cry. Brendon has to tell her it’s OK.

turin women 1

“Idiot Americans. They can’t tell their Toscano from a Cacciawhateveritscalled.

turin brendon rachel 26

Rachel is helpless once more.

RACHEL: I can’t tell anything. I am done. Amazing Race is supposed to be fun and good.

turin rachel reilly 9

“And these salamis are boring and bad.”

RACHEL: I’m on Big Brother again! Everything is Big Brother!

turin rachel reilly 10turin rachel reilly 11

 

Jesus. Christ.

turin brendon villegas 2

Jesus. Christ.

BRENDON: We’re out of The Amazing Race.

Commercial break. We resume.

BRENDON: We’re out of The Amazing Race.

RACHEL: Brendon. Stop saying that.

turin brendon rachel 27

I should note there are only three minutes left in the episode. If people who hate Big Brother crossovers hadn’t labelled Brendon & Rachel as “camera hogs” prior to this episode, they certainly will now.

BRENDON: Then what are you doing? You call me your best friend?

RACHEL: Yes.

BRENDON: What happens when best friends fight?

RACHEL (sniffling the whole time): They make up.

Yes, they do. And they go back to the shop to figure out the last four pieces of salami.

turin brendon rachel 28

It was like watching a schoolteacher trying to cheer up a second grader who didn’t get to play with her toys. Hilarious.

Mark & Bopper are last to the top of the elevator. They choose to polish the statue.

Nary & Jamie announce Josephine is ready for her toga party. They receive the clue in fifth place.

turin nary jamie 2

“I can’t wait to have a toga party on the last day of school!”

JOEY: How you doin’, Phil?

PHIL (Fake NYC accent): I’m doin’ alright.

THIRD PLACE: JOEY FITNESS & “DANNY”

turin joey danny 6

Handshake or fist bump?

turin joey danny 7

Handshake it is.

Rachel cries while eating salami.

RACHEL: It sucks that all of the people who hate us and are making fun of us are going to win.

turin brendon rachel 29

john scott

I don’t recall John & Scott ever winning The Amazing Race.

Ralph copies Teri & Ian’s “Hoo-Rah!” as he is on the pit stop mat.

turin vanessa ralph 11

Vanessa cringes as she waits to hear her placement.

FOURTH PLACE: VANESSA & RALPH

turin vanessa ralph 12

It’s not so bad.

Brendon & Rachel complete the Detour.

turin brendon rachel 30

I love how Rachel’s major hysterics doesn’t even equate to them being in the bottom two. Kerri & Stacy barely started this task, and Mark & Bopper are a minimum of an hour or so behind them. Possibly more.

RACHEL: THANK GOD!

turin brendon rachel 31

It must be exhausting to be Rachel Reilly on The Amazing Race. . .or in general.

Nary & Jamie cheer on the mat.

FIFTH PLACE: NARY & JAMIE

turin nary jamie 3

“Yay!”

Kerri & Stacy calmly complete the salami task. They get about six seconds of airtime at this whole challenge in contrast to Brendon & Rachel’s five or six minutes.

turin kerri stacy 3

Of course the Italians have to give approval with their hands rather than verbally.

turin kerri paul 4

Kerri is about to remind you she is from the south in 5, 4, 3. . .

KERRI: . . .Thank you JESUS!

turin kerri stacy 4

If it’s not God, it’s Jesus. If it’s not Jesus, it’s God. Gotta remember that with Kerri & Stacy.

turin kerri stacy 5

Stacy’s enthusiasm does not match Kerri’s right now.

Now let’s cut back to Brendon & Rachel.

turin brendon rachel 32

turin phil keoghan 4

“No, it’s Delissio.”

turin brendon rachel 33

SIXTH PLACE: BRENDON & RACHEL

RACHEL: Sometimes we act more like frenemies than best friends.

turin brendon rachel 34

“Wasn’t today fun, babe? I can’t wait for tomorrow <3”

Brendon says he knows Rachel doesn’t really mean it when she threatens to not marry him. He adds they shouldn’t yell at each other.

Mark & Bopper clean the statue.

MARK: I finally had fun.

Jesus, it only took four rounds before Mark liked a task.

turin bopper minton 2

“Mark only likes tasks that involves domestic house duties that our wives does, with nobody else around to socialize with, and in a pitch black setting on a cold evening. Such a fun guy for me to hang with!”

turin mark jackson

“Bop, I wish we could do this task every day.”

turin bopper minton 3

Bopper makes out with Josephine.

turin mark bopper 5

In the crudest thing we’ll ever see on The Amazing Race. . .

.

.

.

turin mark bopper 6

turin mark bopper 7

Mark sprays Bopper in the ass.

turin man 4

“What gave it away? Was it my partner spraying me all over my ass?”

I don’t think gay marriage was even legal in 2012. In fact, I don’t even think it’s legal in 2018!

donathan

Kentucky Pride, y’all.

turin mark bopper 8

Poor Mark. Maybe he’ll need to get as much plastic surgery as Vanessa and Rachel. :/

BOPPER: That’s how you get some scrubbin’ done, boy. . .I look like a granite rat.

“I look a little less Fred Willard and a little more rat at the moment.”

Phil sees Kerri & Stacy holding hands.

turin kerri stacy 7

PHIL: You better hold on tight cause you’re still in the race.

turin phil keoghan 5

“And might I add you have tiny hands.”

turin kerri stacy 6

“It’s how God—er Jesus, er, God made them.”

SEVENTH PLACE: KERRI & STACY

turin kerri stacy 8

Out of the four women on both all-female teams this round, Kerri was the only one to have a confessional. TAR US wasn’t interested in an all-female storyline this year.

Bopper feels good about what he accomplished today. Mark says he had a great day.

PHIL: You know the news is not good.

MARK: Yes we do. We had a great day.

turin mark bopper 9

In the most Mark-ish way possible, Mark’s favourite day on the race is the day he knows he will be showing up to the pit stop in last place. That’s so Mark.

turin phil keoghan 6

“Hmmmm, CBS won’t like losing their inevitable fan favourites of this season in leg four. Hmmmm. I wonder what we can do?”

Phil delivers the news.

LAST PLACE: MARK & BOPPER

turin mark jackson 1

They’re tears of joy for Mark.

turin mark bopper 10

Not so much for Bop.

Phil asks Bopper about his daughter. They have a good cry.

PHIL: Art & JJ come over. These guys want to say something to you.

turin art jj 15

When somebody summons two members of the US Border Patrol, nine times out of ten it is NOT going to be something good. Is Bopper being extradited for smuggling in drugs from Moldova or something? Is his real name Hankos Targaryan?

turin bopper jj

“Bopper, I need you to go with these men. They have a few questions.”

JJ: Art and I came in first and we won five thousand dollars each.

turin art jj 16

“And we’re going to pay for Bopper’s pancreas operation. . .after TAR 31 is done filming!”

Nah, just kidding.

turin teams

JJ: Bopper, you start talking about your daughter and how much it meant to you to be on the race that nothing else mattered. So today we won ten thousand dollars. So we want to split the money with you.

BOPPER: You guys don’t have to do that.

JJ: No, we do. Because you’re a good man and working hard for your daughter. You’re our friends for life so that’s what we want to do for you.

turin teams 1

“In fact, once this season starts airing on TV, you’ll be our only friends for life.”

turin jj bopper

turin art velez 1

wendell dom survivor

I haven’t seen bro-y hugs like this since Wendell and Dom on Survivor.

turin phil keoghan 7

PHIL: So. . .

turin phil keoghan 8

PHIL: . . .Is anyone going to hug Mark?

*I assume them hugging Mark was edited out.

Bopper starts crying about the race and how it was an opportunity for him.

turin bopper minton 5

“I didn’t get nothin.”

PHIL: Well I got something else to say.

turin phil keoghan 9

“I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.”

Nah, just kidding.

PHIL: You are the last team to arrive. However, this is a Non-Elimination Leg.

turin mark bopper 11

turin mark bopper 12

Mark’s dreams are crushed. “May God have mercy on our souls, Bop!”

turin mark bopper 13

Bopper celebrates while Mark is ready to vomit in disgust.

turin jj mark

Art torments Mark.

BOPPER: We’re still happy to be here.

MARK: Yeah, our backs are against the wall.

turin mark bopper 14

“I wonder if I can slam my head against that wall.”

PHIL: You guys gotta be careful. You just handed over some money and now you have to compete against them.

turin phil keoghan 10turin phil keoghan 11

 

I don’t think Art & JJ are too threatened by Mark & Bopper.

Next Time on TAR: In the snowy mountains of Bavaria, teams take on a fairy tale, and style a champion male while Bopper & Mark wail.

MENTIONED IN THE ‘NEXT TIME ON’ SEGMENT

ELLIOT & ANDREW 1

MARK & BOPPER 1

 

CONFESSIONAL COUNT

MARK/BOPPER 9/11

BRENDON/RACHEL 8/5

JOEY FITNESS/DANNY 3/5

NARY/JAMIE 0/0

RACHEL/DAVE /3

KERRI/STACY 3/0

VANESSA/RALPH 4/3

ART/JJ 1/5

Leg Rankings

1) Buenos Aires, Argentina -> Asuncion, Paraguy

We have only three tasks total this leg and there wasn’t much navigation within the city of Asuncion.

However, we had a little bit of a flight scramble. Yes, it was just over two flights, but that’s more than what we typically get in TAR during this era. The three tasks we had were all tough as balls. You know it’s tough as balls when Dave & Rachel, a team who people put in the conversation of the strongest team ever are unable to complete ANY of the three tasks.

I assume Dave & Rachel didn’t put in as much effort as they normally would due to the comfort of the Express Pass. It’s like a power player playing loosely when he has a big chip lead. I’ve seen myself do the same thing in Survivor ORGs when I have a hidden immunity idol or am in the majority. When you have an advantage and are damn good at what you do, you just don’t try as hard.

Therefore, I believe the Express Pass wasn’t really a factor in Dave & Rachel surviving this leg. They didn’t even bother attempting the harp challenge and switched the watermelon task early because they knew they could use their Express Pass if the harps presented any sort of difficulty or an abundance of teams. Combine that with Elliot & Andrew and Vanessa & Ralph being several hours behind Kerri & Stacy, and I am about 97% confident that Dave & Rachel make it through no matter what.

So yeah, the Express Pass twist was a waste once again. Luckily Dave & Rachel used it early to prevent it from hogging up airtime. I do think, however, that Dave & Rachel’s performance in this leg erases them from contention in the strongest team to ever run the race.

The storyline of Art & JJ and Dave & Rachel representing the top of the leaderboard continues. They aligned, got on the best flight, and Art & JJ were very strong where Dave & Rachel are very weak. JJ outright says that these two teams will dominate the whole season. We see layers of Brendon & Rachel and Mark & Bopper showing strength in this leg and being presented as the only two teams who could possibly catch the two dominant teams in an upset. The editors have an easy story to tell for this season.

For a team who doesn’t make it to the very end nor will be super popular with the audience, editors invested in Vanessa & Ralph barely surviving this leg. They had their own segment after a commercial break just to show the conclusion in their late night showdown with Elliot & Andrew. Hell, we even got a good chunk of content of their rivalry with Brendon & Rachel. We had the full spectrum of “I can see Rachel’s whole entire ass” to “we will not quit to set a good example for Ralph’s son”. The audience definitely has mixed opinions about this team.

Nary & Jamie being the friendly team with a goofy storyline that trolls Art & JJ’s and Dave & Rachel’s competitive spirit officially begins this round. Art & JJ don’t like goofy folks. Too bad we don’t see a helluva whole lot else from Nary & Jamie except being bumped to the early flight.

Both all-female teams were underedited this leg as Kerri & Stacy were barely shown. They were on the receiving end of being outwitted by freakin’ Mark & Bopper. Editors chose not to bury Kerri & Stacy by showing the online exclusive unaired scenes and rather buried them via lack of airtime. They were outwitted then Kerri twerked to the harp music. We didn’t even see the completion of the Roadblock or more than a second of being at the pit stop.

As for Elliot & Andrew, editors did a great job of capturing their relationship and story all within the span of one episode. There wasn’t much to tell and decided to wait until they were relevant for the round.

This leg also receives extra credit for being a debuting country for the TAR catalogue. Paraguay has never been visited before or since. If they do choose to return to Paraguay, hopefully we get a leg outside of the only major city that 99% of the population can point to on a map. Can you think of another city besides Asuncion? I doubt it.

Wow, I totally forgot about Joey Fitness & Danny until now. There wasn’t much time for their comedic relief. Too much story was going on, they finished in the middle, and Rachel and Bopper were trying too hard to entertain the audience. Sorry guys. Maybe crop your mohawk Danny and you’ll get more attention.

2) Asuncion, Paraguay -> Torino, Italy

If you are not a fan of Brendon & Rachel’s bickering, you probably hate this episode as it occupies about ten minutes or more of the airtime.

If you can look past it and/or embrace it, it’s another leg with a decent design.

No equalizers and it’s all self-drive. As an old school fan, you can’t ask for much more.

The Roadblock of scaling down the Lingotto building did its job by messing up a couple of teams and triggering what I presume to be a twenty to thirty minute delay for them, but not the most interesting to watch unless you love to laugh at Vanessa flailing in midair.

The Detour was more comedic rather than it being particularly difficult. You either went to the easy-to-find salami shop but more time-consuming to complete or go to the hard-to-find junkyard but with a straightforward head-lofting cleaning process. They are a couple of more unique albeit not the most interesting tasks to watch. It’s a good thing the teams were able to entertain what could otherwise be mundane tasks to see play out.

Oh, and it is the first of THREE Fast Forwards! Not zero, one, or two. Three! Landing a remote control helicopter on somebody’s head seemed difficult. We wouldn’t see this task again until TAR Asia 5 where teams also sucked at it. It provided some amusing scenes where Dave was willing to risk his life in the race just to prove how much of a pilot he could be.

In terms of storyline, Art & JJ evened up the score with Dave & Rachel as the two teams have won two legs apiece. Thanks to the Fast Forward, they won by several hours for the second leg in a row.

Furthermore, the dominance of these two teams is solidified by the fact that Dave & Rachel kicked a lot of ass despite being at each other’s throats the whole leg and describing their performance as a failure. That should terrify all of the other teams.

Mark & Bopper’s travel inexperience was highlighted as they couldn’t figure out how to book flights to Italy until it was too late. Thanks to a pre-determined NEL (or CBS production interference if you’re a conspiracy theorist), their underdog storyline grows as Art & JJ’s act of charity combined with Bopper talking about his daughter made it memorable for the casual audience. Mark & Bopper became the official fan favourites thanks to this episode.

Vanessa & Ralph and Joey & Danny both tried to one-up each other in terms of sexualized and crass humour. I think Vanessa is still the queen but it could tip in Joey & Danny’s favour soon.

And lol @ Nary & Jamie and Kerri & Stacy combining for 45 seconds of airtime this episode. If you have seen all of the secret scenes, Kerri & Stacy were not well-liked by production as any interesting scenes with them were edited out.

Lastly, I know people think Art & JJ donated money to Bopper because they just wanted to look like good guys on TV and use Mark & Bopper in the race—but I do think it’s a bit extreme to assume ulterior motives were involved. Maybe Art & JJ -can- be good guys under certain circumstances. Or at least have a mixture of ulterior motives and generosity on The Amazing Race.

P.S. Yet another visit to Italy for TAR but luckily it is a brand new city.

3) Santa Barbara, California -> Cafayate, Argentina

I am not a fan of Starting Line tasks, and here we get another clear example of how a Starting Line task makes a season premiere feel super rushed and condensed. The first time we see two teams interacting is when Art & JJ and Dave & Rachel team up during the Roadblock. A couple of other loose observations during the tasks, and that’s it. Thankfully future rounds will explore these social interactions more.

There is one good thing about the Starting Line task this year: It’s the first one without any sort of penalty for the team that finishes last. They just have to get to the airport like everybody else.

Making 120 empanadas prior to reaching the pit stop was more of a unique task in TAR, and I appreciated it. We saw quite a bit of position shuffling due to the difficulty of it.

We saw a classic Roadblock fakeout as the team that thought they were going to skydive never ends up skydiving. Producers wanted more terrified racers to do this task, but the best moment we got was from Stacy and even that was a very small and repetitive moment we have seen over the course of twenty seasons.

Part of me wishes the pit stop was at a separate location, but it is the only reason why we got our Misa & Maiya elimination moment. I saw this episode live when it originally aired over six years ago, and the idea of this ever happening on TAR was thought to be reserved more for fanfics.

“A team is within plain sight of the pit stop less than100 yards away and doesn’t see Phil, camera crew, the pit stop mat, and the pit stop greeter? There’s no way that could happen.”

But it did. And not only that, but it was in the final showdown to determine who would be eliminated from the premiere. Knowing what happens at the finish line of this season, it really sets the tone for how TAR 20 is going to go.

Speaking of setting the tone, the way many of the teams carried themselves indicated who would be dominating this entire season. Dave & Cherie, Kerri & Stacy, Joey Fitness & Danny, and Misa & Maiya presented very clear weaknesses in this first round as the audience could quickly narrow down our contenders at the top. And Mark & Bopper were going to be our wildcards.

It’s not an awful premiere like others we’ve seen during this era of TAR, but more work still needs to be done. This episode would have been very unmemorable if not for the Misa & Maiya elimination.

4) Cafayate, Argentina -> Buenos Aires, Argentina

This leg had too many equalizers for only having two tasks.

Want to do a Detour? Wait for everyone until sunrise.

Want to do a Roadblock? You have to board one of three buses and hope yours doesn’t have somebody come up and smash your bus window with a baseball bat. Oh, and there’ll be a pit stop immediately afterwards.

Because TAR gives a lot of airtime to a pair that are prominent on other reality shows whenever a crossover occurs, we had an overwhelming amount of Brenchel content. Seeing how they competed on consecutive seasons of BB, an episode where they have several scenes early on in the season triggered a lot of groans within the viewership.

And because Art & JJ represent that anti-Brenchel Brigade within the viewership, their excessive comments towards Brendon & Rachel were also constantly shown. It doesn’t help when you know these two teams will be sticking around for a very long time in this season. What’s the point of the other nine teams being there?

Art & JJ and Dave & Rachel’s alliance dominated the whole cast for the second round in a row. It must have been scary to be any other team as they know the top two duos have decided to become a Superpower. A counter-strike has to come soon.

The Detour was a bit unique in terms of using a solar panel with minimal instruction to be setup and heat a tea kettle to a boil. That was fun to watch as teams didn’t know whether that would be quicker than the donkey alternative. Art & JJ made the absolute right call in this situation.

We found out Kerri & Stacy are good at things you wouldn’t normally associate with their archetype in TAR. They are handy and are good at math? I wouldn’t have guessed.

Mark put aside his Eeyore tendencies and was very pleasant this episode. Same with Bopper. No mention of how much they need the money. They were just having a grand ol’ time out there. This is how Mark & Bopper should be edited. They didn’t complain once during the task in an eyeroll-y fashion.

Vanessa & Ralph were the narrators for this episode. Who expected that?

Danny making himself bleed by accident and Joey Fitness’ leap onto the platform for the Roadblock clue was mildly amusing to watch.

Elliot & Andrew are invisible.

And poor Clown Dave. Nobody wanted to save him at the Roadblock.

Lastly, Diego Maradona always laughing at other people’s tragedies is about as much as you need from a pit stop greeter.

This leg just wasn’t well-designed and two teams hogging too much of the airtime is what drops it down in my rankings.

P.S. Nary & Jamie’s lie that they are kindergarten teachers is very believable considering their reaction to everything so far. I totally think Nary called a buddy in Langley to smash the second bus, though. I am certain of that.

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