The Amazing Race 20 Episode Two Rankings

SECOND LEG

EPISODE BLOG #299

“Kindergarten Cops”

COUNTRIES VISITED

ARGENTINA – PARAGUAY – ITALY – GERMANY – AZERBAIJAN – TANZANIA – INDIA – JAPAN – UNITED STATES

Previously on TAR: Eleven teams began a race around the world. Teams braved their fears and fell out of the sky. In a showdown for first place and the “valuable” Express Pass, Rachel & Dave came out on top. Misa & Maiya had Joey Fitness & “Danny” beat, but they couldn’t find the pit stop right in front of them and paid a costly price.

Ten teams remain; who will be eliminated next?

MENTIONED IN THE ‘PREVIOUSLY ON’ SEGMENT

—

“JOEY” FITNESS & DANNY 1

MISA & MAIYA 1

DAVE & RACHEL 1

Phil introduces us to the mountainous desert region of Salta, and is home to the world’s highest vineyards. It has the perfect climate for growing grapes.

Ah, what a beautiful landscape. I wish I could have a llama as a pet minus the spitting.

Phil knows how to properly pronounce Cafayate. He uses the proper Argentine Spanish of using the ‘y’ with a ‘sh’ sound.

“And if Misa & Maiya are watching this episode at home, please shift your eyes from the right hand part of the TV screen to the left.”

Dave & Rachel, who won the first leg of the race, will depart at 2:46am.

Is Dave wearing a shock collar? What did him and Rachel get up to at the pit stop???????

Teams must drive themselves to the Cafayate Town Square and wait for the chaski, a mounted postman, to hand them their next clue.

Chaskiskiskiski.

RACHEL: Winning the first leg puts a target on our backs. . .but at the same time we have the security of the Express Pass.

The Express Pass is a useless piece of shit. You have nothing.

DAVE: We don’t anticipate using it unless it is absolutely necessary.

“Like if there is a task involving Dave & Cherie performing their set from the circus and we have to watch. We’re using our EP on that shit.”

RACHEL: I don’t know what Chaski is.

DAVE: Use your Spanglish, babe.

Chaski sounds more Russian than Spanish, babe.

And why would you use your Spanglish?

You’re just stuck with watching a mediocre (although one of the better) Adam Sandler films.

Brendon & Rachel depart in second at 2:48am.

RACHEL: This game is super duper different from Big Brother. Constantly you’re on the go [and not hooking up with somebody in a hammock for twelve hours a day except for when you have to attach gumballs to a wall]. You still have to be super fierce competitors. I have to say Amazing Race is tougher.

Isn’t it super tougher?

Art & JJ depart third at 2:49am.

Art & JJ ask a random guy what a chasqui is.

“A chasqui is a courier? Of cocaine?! Let’s nail that sonofabitch right now, JJ!”

Brenchel drive up alongside Art & JJ.

ART: It’s gonna be up ahead.

BRENDON: That’s what I thought.

“I am half-not Mexican so I kinda like you.”

JJ: The Big Brothers he will never make a decision. Watch he’ll just wait for us to go and he’ll follow us.

That’s a bit of a premature assessment. You guys departed within one minute of each other and it’s only the second round. How the hell do you not stick together? It’s the smartest move for both parties involved. You can’t establish it as a dependent relationship this early on. There simply isn’t enough data.

Besides, Brenchel made the mistake of not aligning with enough males in BB12. They don’t want to make the same mistake like they did with the Brigade.

ART: He’s a UCLA student. What do you expect?

And I think the half-Mexican part of Brendon will go back to hating them again.

And because it’s Argentina, dogs are plentiful and are well-taken care of in the city streets. They become mascots for a lot of buildings and businesses.

In fact, I visited about six or seven houses in Argentina, and every single person had a dog. If there was a bed and a couch available, and the dog decided to jump onto the bed, no one would disagree with the dog’s decision and I would be stuck sleeping on the couch.

Or if there was a second dog and that dog chose the couch, then yeah, I may as well accept that I’d be sleeping on the floor for the night.

In other words, if you pick up any women in Argentina at the club and go back to her place, there is a strong likelihood that a canine of all things is gonna be responsible for cockblocking you. It could very well start barking at you if it doesn’t trust your intentions or take your spot on the bed or couch. Be prepared for it.

See? The dog isn’t even skinny. It has no curfew.

Dave & Rachel arrive at the Town Square and are told the chasqui will not arrive until sunrise.

DAVE: This will be a considerable delay.

Yes, a considerable one.

Nary & Jamie depart in fourth at 3:21am.

“We like clues.”

Nary & Jamie reveal they are pretending to be kindergarten teachers.

Ah. So it’s true. They really are going to be undercover cops pretending to be a kindergarten teacher.

“IT’S NOT A RUMOUR!”

Ah. Editors are playing along.

And because the premiere was so rushed, we get a flashback to new footage from the first leg.

RACHEL: What do you guys do?

JAMIE: We’re teachers. . .

RACHEL: You are? Cute!

Well, we do get a clip from LAX after all.

And because Brenchel are the stunt casting team of this season, they’ll be needlessly added into the narrative whenever possible.

JAMIE: And most people would never look at us and guess we’re federal agents.

The aqua bow in her hair preserves her cover.

In fact, it’s so aqua that even the lead singer of Aqua has the same type of bow in her hair.

I’m an Aqua Girl

In a military complex world

Wrapped in backpacks

It’s fantastic

You can put bows in my hair

Lecture me anywhere

Imagination

Your professions are your creation

I’m a federal agent in a military complex world

Nary & Jamie think they’ll have a target on their back at a U-Turn if they revealed the truth about their profession.

Vanessa & Ralph are fifth to commence at 3:31am. We watch Ralph struggle with his seatbelt for several seconds.

RALPH: Holy cow, where we goin’ next?

Nowhere if you can’t buckle up, motherfucker.

Elliot & Andrew, our Golden Angels, depart sixth at 4:21am. They lost a lot of time despite being on the first flight.

I wonder if Elliot always wears short-sleeved shirts just so he can show off his tattoos.

Kerri & Stacy are seventh at 5:23am.

KERRI: Let’s go, chica.

Anyone else want to bet it’s the only Spanish word that Kerri knows?

Vanessa & Ralph and Elliot & Andrew all panic when they see the Town Square.

Name ten chocolate bars, name ten chocolate bars.

Vanessa sees a dog in the square.

VANESSA: Are you a Chasqui?

“Or a candelabrah?”

NOTE: At the end of the episode, Vanessa was diagnosed with rabies.

VANESSA: I’m sure he’s not bilingual.

He can speak English, but I hear his accent is a bit Ruff.

Dave & Cherie start the leg in eighth at 5:27am. They have 144 dollars for this leg of the race.

All good to go!

DAVE: I think the other teams underestimate us.

You think they expected you to finish ninth instead of eighth?

DAVE: I was diagnosed with LP Hodgkins Disease twice. . .I’ve been cancer free since 2001.

Not to be confused with Marshall Mathers LP Hodgkins. I wouldn’t want your kids to hear about that one!

CHERIE: Woohoo!

DAVE: Happy dance!

This is the most cheerful reaction I have seen to a story about LP Hodgkins.

It’s the same thing Ethan Zohn had. Who knew TAR would cast two people in consecutive seasons who are in remission from LP Hodgkins?

CHERIE: If we can beat cancer twice, I am pretty sure we can win the race.

. . .I don’t think those two challenges have any overlap in skill set, Cherie.

Mark & Bopper depart ninth at 5:29am. Mark is fine if at least one team is behind him.

Mark is unusually optimistic today.

MARK: We’ll slowly work up to first. We’re in no hurry. We’ll shock the world.

Foreshadowing.

Mark & Bopper can’t pronounce Chasqui.

BOPPER: Shazaquay?

MARK: We speak Country. No other kind of language.

As long as they don’t have any tasks involving hearing a word and trying to spell it, Mark & Bopper have a fighting chance.

Joey Fitness & “Danny” start the leg in last at 5:35am as their dumb club theme song plays.

The only time these guys are awake at 5:35am is if they stayed out at the club until it closed and went to Denny’s afterwards.

“JOEY” FITNESS: We’ve got this. Comeback Boys.

Apparently Joey “Fitness” wasn’t enough of a nickname for himself.

“Danny, we better have a new fucking nickname by leg three or we’re toast, bro. We’re toast like our Oompa Loompa fake n’ bake skin tan, bro.”

Joey & Danny arrive at the equalizer.

DANNY: New York in the house.

“I say we break out the speakerbox and wake up the shit out of this puebla. This place needs a scene.”

DANNY: Yo, I got a girl named Gina Marie who wants to move in the Big Brother house.

BRENDON: No way, I’ll hook her up with Kassting!

Dog Day Mornings are much more pleasant than a Dog Day Afternoon.

Sunrise arrives.

The dudes have a chat as they wait for Leon Chasqui.

His horse decides to have a trotsqui.

Twenty gringos are going to bombard him in 3, 2, 1. . .

NOW!

“Come and get iiiiiiit.”

I love how the dogs get in on this.

It’s like a bunch of children in a third world country going up to a car window begging for money.

Mark gets the first clue. It’s a Detour. In order to survive the high desert climate in Salta, locals make the most of the natural resources around them. They get to choose between two of those natural resources: Boil My Water or Light My Fire.

And if you’ve heard what’s going on for TAR 31, Light My Fire is an option producers desperately need to choose.

Boil My Water requires teams to visit one of three isolated villages and provide them with a means of cooking.

Is there even a house in the bottom picture?!

Isolated villages get to have satellite somehow.

Nobody in Argentina can afford to miss an episode of Pasapalabra.

They will take a basic solar kitchen from a pickup truck and assemble it using only the picture on the side of the box. Then they must carefully position it in front of direct sunlight and place a tea kettle on top of the disc. Once the kettle boils and whistles, the solar panel expert will hand them their next clue.

La Grille? What the hell is that?

It would suck if it was a very cloudy and rainy day.

Bullshit. Nobody drinks tea in Argentina. It’s mate all the way. Where’s the yerba leaves, yo?

In Light My Fire, teams are required to gather firewood and clay by the riverbank and load it onto a donkey. Transport it one mile to a pottery workshop. Once the goods are delivered, they’ll receive their next clue.

If it involves collecting clay, Mark & Bopper should be there. They have to represent their county.

Not as adorable as a dog, sadly.

Es bueno.

Why does her hat have miniature flags of Colombia on it?

Mark & Bopper choose Boil My Water.

Clay County, my ass.

Nary & Jamie also choose Boil My Water.

They’re like zombie hands seeking JJ’s brain.

JJ: Big Brother kept yanking their clue before everybody yanked theirs. That kinda ticked me off.

Dude, it was a mad scramble with everyone and they only have a fifteen to twenty second lead at most. Calm down.

We can zoom out, guys.

Brenchel are third. Art & JJ are fourth. Kerri & Stacy are fifth. Dave & Rachel are sixth. Nearl everyone is picking Boil My Water except Art & JJ.

ART: If we try to make a solar oven and boil water. . .geez, the sun isn’t even out yet. It’s gonna take forever.

“The sun isn’t even out yet and JJ can you lower the mirror? That bright object is blinding my eyes.”

That llama’s leash is very short.

Dave & Rachel are first to Boil My Water. Nary & Jamie are second. Vanessa & Ralph are third.

VANESSA: I like this is the least labour intensive one.

Since Vanessa’s uterus is in her throat, she won’t have to worry about going into labour.

That kid is winding his arm up like a baseball pitcher. Usually every kid in Argentina wants to be a football player. This is a first.

Dave & Cherie are closing the trunk.

DAVE: Good boy. Stay. Good boy.

Who the hell is he talking to????

Dave & Cherie show up with their solar panel.

RALPH (sarcastically): They’re entertaining us.

CHERIE: I don’t know if I can do this.

What? Being able to entertain the other racers or accomplish a relatively straightforward Detour task? Or both?

Art & JJ drive by and see the solar panel trucks. They don’t realize both Detour options are in the same location.

RACHEL: Art & JJ just drove by.

DAVE: Let’s worry about us–

RACHEL: I am. I’m doing my thing.

Yeah, look at who is the one that is actually working as Dave scolds her.

Jamie notes they are pampered with appliances at home. Vanessa & Ralph over-explain the task to the audience.

Elliot & Andrew and Kerri & Stacy are at the second solar power location. Kerri is confused as to where Art & JJ are.

Brenchel are following Mark & Bopper.

BOPPER: We’re going to have to put the noose around their neck baby if we have to.

I don’t think strangling is specifically covered within the rules of The Amazing Race, but I have a feeling if Bopper strangles Elliot & Andrew because of a limited stations Detour, he may or may not receive a thirty minute penalty at the pit stop.

Joey Fitness & Danny snag the final solar panel at the second location.

I bet Mark & Bopper are very depressed that they aren’t at the same station as Kerri & Stacy right now.

Kerri tells us Stacy was always the one who operated the VCR growing up.

DANNY: Let’s beat the Mississippi Girls. They don’t know how to build.

Boy will you be proven wrong.

What is written on Kerri & Stacy’s hats?

Hey, that chupacabra has the same hairstyle as Danny.

Dave tries to give Rachel direction and vice versa.

DAVE: When it comes to instructions, I can be a bit autonomous. I like to operate on my own. My way is the right way.

RACHEL: Dave is very OCD.

Really? Two people who have been very independent for the past year are having a tough time giving instructions to one another?

“Real men don’t need instructions. Har har har har.”

Dave thinks something is wrong, but Rachel wants to know what. He doesn’t know so he wants a more thorough inspection.

Dave & Cherie keep working.

CHERIE: I think we’ve got a few screws loose. Hahahaha.

Laughing at your own jokes is also a thirty minute penalty. It’s just as bad as strangling someone on the race.

DAVE: Being clowns, we use laughter as the approach to everything.

“The approach has always failed, but it’s the approach we use.

Cherie asks Dave if she can peek because there is nothing in the rules against peeking on another team.

“I’ll start with the men’s bathroom.”

Mark & Bopper and Brenchel grab the last two solar panels at the final village. Rachel trips while transporting the box.

Those knees are going to be scraped.

Why they chose to assemble at the bottom of a slope stumps me as well as the llamas/alpacas/what the hell is that tiny thing between them.

He looks wise beyond his years.

He’s ready for a nap.

Art & JJ pull over and ask for directions to El Obelisco (not to be confused with El Obelisco in Buenos Aires).

She ain’t talkin’ to no border patrol cop.

Mark sees Art & JJ are clearly lost. Art & JJ drive by the sign for El Obelisco.

Mark & Bopper have an easy time with the satellite because Mark plays Lego with his son.

Rachel meanwhile is not.

RACHEL: Sorry, I’m not good at this. Sorry, I’m just a girl.

Oh please, save that for Gwen Stefani, Rachel.

Art & JJ find a random woman who tells Art it is eight kilometres away. All the way back in the original direction. JJ says if they still can’t find El Obelisco then they switch to the tea kettle Detour.

Commercial break. We resume.

JJ: We’re twenty minutes down–

ART: Don’t worry about it!

JJ: I know, but–

ART: You keep fixating on it! Let it go. It’s done.

JJ was just giving a confessional, but Art don’t wanna hear his negativity.

Rachel wouldn’t stand a chance with that slope. It’s a good thing she chose Boil My Water.

JJ: Golly, could this get any worse?

Maybe if a llama spits in his face.

DAVE: We should be done by now.

RACHEL: Is it worth being Crabby Pants about?

DAVE: I’m not being Crabby Pants!

HE’S NOT BEING CRABBY PANTS! HMPH!

Nary & Jamie don’t think they have the right screws.

RALPH: Oh, schneikies. This has to connect to somewhere.

VANESSA: Son of a monkey’s uncle.

After several F-bombs in the first leg, it looks like Vanessa & Ralph may have received the same lecture that Nate & Jenn did in TAR 12.

Yeah, Zeo got it right.

Nary & Jamie are melting under that sun that Art doesn’t think exists.

JAMIE: This is hotter than. . .shenanigans.

You. . .you wanna try making a new comparison, Jamie?

Because I have no idea how to interpret that statement.

JJ repeatedly shouts at Art to run faster.

I think he even uses his border patrol ATV around the house.

Art & JJ start loading up supplies. Art is in pain and huffing and puffing.

Mark & Bopper are almost done with the satellite.

MARK: Just like baby bear’s soup.

I should note Mark compares a task to baby bear’s soup both in the second episode of TAR 20 and the second episode of TAR 24. File away THAT piece of random trivia in your brains.

“This is just like Mark Jackson’s analogies!”

Rachel refers to Mark & Bopper as Speedy Gonzalez in this task.

BOPPER: We’ve got some sort of teamship together.

Teamship must be a word in the Country dictionary.

This guy is up to something. Look at the devious smile on his face.

BOPPER: I’ll be roasting turkeys on that baby.

Bopper better actually roast a turkey before the end of this task, or he is officially a TEAse.

Joey Fitness “&” Danny comment on the heat.

JOEY: Getting a sun tan over here, bro.

Of course they had to be shown saying that.

Danny cuts himself on the satellite dish.

Let’s see the damage.

DANNY: Blood, sweat, and tears, man. But I’m from New York. Blood don’t matter.

Blood don’t matter in New York?

That is not something you would hear from a New Yorker during the 1980s. Things have changed a lot since then.

Kerri & Stacy are almost done.

KERRI: As long as it fits together like a hat.

I love how everyone this season makes their own category of analogies that nobody else in the world uses because it makes no freakin’ sense.

Joey & Danny sprint over to Kerri & Stacy for help.

DANNY: We can help each other.

It’ll be a one-way street.

JOEY: We ran over to the sexy senoritas.

DANNY: They had it completely right.

Joey & Danny ask what the blue piece is for. Kerri & Stacy provide a full explanation.

“And be careful to not slice your other hand, Danny.”

“Yeah, we just wanted you guys to tell us because we wanted to know if you had been paying attention to the picture.

Art & JJ collect more rawks.

Debb would love this task.

JJ: I can’t believe we fell this far behind. We’re so much smarter than that. We’re so much smarter.

But you’re NOT!

Dave & Cherie want to peek at Dave & Rachel’s panel.

DAVE CLOWN: Oh, that’s beautiful.

RACHEL: Thank you.

DAVE CLOWN: That is a gorgeous thing of machinery.

“I came over here to compliment you and definitely not to ask for help.”

RACHEL: There’s a picture on the side.

DAVE CLOWN: OH!

“Well don’t we feel silly.”

CHERIE: Really. The things you miss when you’re hyped up on adrenaline.

I have a feeling adrenaline isn’t the only substance Dave & Cherie are taking during the race.

DAVE SOLDIER: Clowns are crazy.

And this is coming from a guy who has spent years at a time in some of the world’s most dangerous cities.

JJ says it is not even eight o’ clock and will make it impossible for the tea to boil at a fast rate. He is confident they’ll make up time.

Mark stares at his kettle.

MARK: Talk to us ol’ toothless one.

Toothless people tend to make for really good whistlers. The kettle should be able to whistle with ease.

All nine teams are waiting for the kettles to boil as Art & JJ keep working.

Granted if you know your TAR history, mules aren’t known for being the fastest option to make up time.

CHERIE: A watched pot never boils.

They don’t have their cups out yet but they’re already Mean MUGgin around this kettle of tea.

JJ is frustrated with his mule.

“Ummmm, can you help push, Art?”

JJ: If we caught a mule carrying dope trying to cross the border, eventually we would have him on a string like this ready to throw him in jail.

We see teams growing impatient with their pot.

VANESSA: WILL YOU BOIL?!

“I’ll punch you in the uterus if you don’t boil soon!”

Vanessa tries to intimidate the pot into boiling.

BRENDON: C’mon Whistling Dixie.

Mark & Bopper are first to boil as they receive their clue. They read they must take a long eighteen hour bus ride to Buenos Aires.

Why does that bear have its arms folded? It’s got attitude.

Is there ever a season of TAR where they visit Argentina without stopping over in Buenos Aires? Well, except for that time in TAR 11 where they barely crept over the Chilean border in Patagonia to go to Ushuaia?

I for one thought Buenos Aires was far more than just a One Horse Town.

“Buenos Whates?”

Mark & Bopper are stoked to ace a challenge.

MARK: We could be in first place now!

(Both share a maniac laugh.)

Our current leaders. Too bad the eighteen hour bus ride will equalize them.

Art & JJ casually stroll by Dave & Rachel and Vanessa & Ralph.

ART: I told you boiling water was a pain in the ass in a solar oven.

“Why are you calling me a pain, Art?”

VANESSA: They look like they’re exhausted and sweating their asses off.

Oh, the puns keep coming.

“Patience is golden, babe.”

Art & JJ complete the Detour.

Wow, this was the MUCH faster Detour option. They must have made up at least an hour on everyone.

Dave & Rachel cheer on Art & JJ. Seconds later they receive their clue in third place.

Mark & Bopper decide to “give ’em a toot” as they pass by other teams.

MARK & BOPPER: Get ‘er done!

When I want to brag to somebody about being better, I always quote Larry the Cable Guy of all people.

Art & JJ honk at Brenchel.

JJ: It’s who we love to go by. That’s for ripping the clue out of your hand, Arthur.

BRENDON: Who is that?

RACHEL: The cop.

BRENDON: Eh, we’re good with them.

“It’s nobody. Let’s move on.”

“We’re one-quarter British and we hate your House of Holding asses!”

Brendon & Rachel complete the task in fourth. Art & JJ, Dave & Rachel, and Brenchel finish consecutively once again.

Dave & Cherie are done in fifth.

Cherie’s celebratory cartwheel.

Vanessa & Ralph are sixth. Elliot & Andrew are seventh.

ELLIOT: Travel to the city of Buenos Aras.

Buenos Aras, Argentina.

Joey “Fitn”ess & Danny receive their clue in eighth.

Wait.

How does that work?

DANNY: The girls might be a little pissed.

A little?

Kerri & Stacy get their clue in ninth. Nary & Jamie stand there for forty-five minutes wiating for the kettle to boil.

NARY: And it was torture.

As a federal agent, you would think waiting for a kettle to boil for under an hour wouldn’t qualify as “torture”.

The top four teams all find the Salta bus terminal.

DAVE: Let’s go. I don’t see another team.

BB RACHEL: Brendon! Brendon!

MILITARY RACHEL: Right there.

Dave has inherited Misa & Maiya’s eyesight.

FIRST BUS

—

DAVE & RACHEL

BRENCHEL

MARK & BOPPER

ART & JJ

SECOND BUS

—

VANESSA & RALPH

ELLIOT & ANDREW

JOEY FITNESS & DANNY

DAVE & CHERIE

FINAL BUS

—

NARY & JAMIE

KERRI & STACY

Vanessa & Ralph like that there are two teams behind them on the final bus.

So remember how all-female teams tend to not do well on the American version of The Amazing Race, and how quickly they went down in TAR 19?

KERRI & STACY: We gotta rep for the Ladies! The Ladies!

The TAR US trend is going to continue. An all-female team was first boot and we’re doomed to have another go home in tenth.

NARY: We’re gonna hope their bus breaks down.

We watch the teams asleep on the bus.

“*mumble* *mumble* What do you mean you’re not gonna bribe me with the stash of your coke in the tire rim, don’t you want your son to have a *mumble* *mumble*”

We head into the night. In a flashback to TAR 3 we hear a tire pop and a window shatter.

Hmmm. This is very suspicious.

I think Nary called one of her contacts in Langley to make this happen.

CHERIE: We stopped dead in our tracks because we heard a big BANG.

Where’s the laughter, guys? I thought laughter was the cure for everything. Including dangerous car accidents.

CHERIE: Then we looked back and the window had shattered. The whole thing blew in.

DAVE: Glass everywhere.

CHERIE: Luckily no one was hurt.

Luckily? If you were lucky, one team would have been hurt and you’re guaranteed to make it to the next round.

Like Elliot & Andrew. If Elliot & Andrew get hurt in the forest, do the fans make a sound?

Dave & Cherie report they are using duct tape and cardboard to repair the window.

That’s what they always did at my elementary school whenever somebody broke a window. It would happen around twelve times per year at the windows nearest to the basketball court.

The trailing bus don’t even realize they have passed the second bus that is currently on the side of the road.

Well that’s one way to save the pair of all-female teams. . .or at least give them a better chance of making it to round three.

Everybody hates their current situation as we head to commercial break. We resume.

Ralph and Joey Fitness review their bad luck.

Needs more cardboard.

We cut to the morning in Buenos Aires.

My ex says the Obelisco is the most pointless monument in all of Buenos Aires because there is no meaning behind it. It’s just a tall object in the middle of the city. There’s your Buenos Aires history lesson.

And this is the obligatory “Logan wuz here” photos. Enjoy. Trust me, I’m going to brag about visiting TAR locations as they occur in my blog.

No bus crash for the leading bus.

Dave & Rachel are first into a taxi. Brenchel are second. Art & JJ are third. Mark & Bopper are fourth.

NARY: We’re pretty sure we’re the last two teams going into Buenos Aires. We just have to kick some ass today.

They don’t have to kick as much ass as they originally anticipated.

It’s mercado time. I should note this market is far west of Buenos Aires.

Why does that man have a cane? And where is everybody at the mercado? It’s dead.

Dave & Rachel spot the horse and grab the clue from the pouch.

ROADBLOCK: Where’s the beef?

Oh god. Are we really going to have a task sponsoured by Wendy’s?

Because that’s the type of shit I expect Wendy’s to pull.

Liniers Cattle Market is the largest in the world according to Phil. Auctioneers sell up to 13, 000 cattle every day. When this auctioneer yells out the total weight of the cattle in one of the corrals, the team member must quickly count the cattle and calculate the average weight per head while the auction is going on and before the auctioneer moves on to the next corral. If the team member can solve the equation before time runs out, they will receive their next clue.

It’s like the bovine version of Bangladesh in that corral.

I’m digging the auctioneer in the Che hat.

You know Che was originally from Argentina, right?

It’s like he is droppin’ some freestyle right now.

In Uruguay, cattle outnumber the people 10:1. In Buenos Aires, the cattle hope just to break even.

Why do all of the cows have their ears pierced?

Which one of these cows has Mad Cow Disease, you figure?

I like the graphic.

Why is everyone packed in so tight?

Phil isn’t going to bother with any hats today. It’s probably for the best.

Rachel asks Dave if he wants to do it, but he volunteers her. They get a move on to the auctioneering corral.

RACHEL: Whooo! It stinks.

13, 000 cows will do that.

I like how the auctioneer turns around to Rachel whenever he has to announce a key number for the task.

Rachel is not comfortable with mental math.

“Everybody, let’s go quickly. Making the leading teams fail several times is the only way to let the trailing bus that crashed to have a chance to catch up.”

Muy rapido, por favor!

Rachel is doing her best Dave & Margaretta face. I don’t know if this means she is doing well or if she is doing poorly. Tough to interpret.

Brenchel are second to the Roadblock. Art & JJ don’t jump out the same time as them.

JJ: Big Brother. We’re not gonna follow those two nimrods.

Nimrods who snagged a clue from Art’s hand, might I add.

“They are nimrods. I am one-eighth British, so I hate them.”

They spot the clue from the cab as Brenchel are a few seconds late on foot. Mark & Bopper are fourth.

JJ is doing the Roadblock. Rachel and Mark too.

Rachel puts her hand up like a third grader.

Run to the waiting Gaucho? You know who would love a Roadblock to interact with Gauchos?

GAUCHOOOOOO.

RACHEL: You may not use your calculator. Oh nooooo.

She has a Chemistry degree—not a Mathematics degree.

RACHEL: I don’t know anything about cows.

You were in Big Brother 13, Rachel. I didn’t watch the season, but I did see some forums where you did in fact compete against a cow. A cow which was robbed by a production-rigging twist at Final Six.

Wait. Her real name is Kalia? Why were ALL of the forums calling her Cowlia? That wasn’t her real name? Let me get this straight: The Big Brother fanbase came up with a nickname for a houseguest they didn’t like just so they had an excuse to be bullies and be fuckin’ rude online?

I NEVER would have guessed the hardcore BB fandom to do something horrible like that on the Internet. So shocking.

So I retract my statement. Rachel knows nothing about cows.

God I hate the BB fanbase.

Military Rachel talks about the Roadblock.

RACHEL: There was a lot of chaos. I could smell a ton of poo. It was gross.

“Dammit she can smell it from there. She’s onto me!”

DAVE: Did you get it, baby? Did you get it baby?

She ain’t your baby.

She submits a guess to the gaucho. It ain’t right.

Somebody has to make the race a -little- difficult for Dave & Rachel.

“Gosh darnit.”

“I was in a rock band where we had to count the number of cows that we could spot from the window and figure out their average weight on the way to each venue. I would’ve been perfect at this. It’s just what I do.”

Uh, thanks Laurence.

JJ describes the stress of the crowd. After a minute or so he works with Military Rachel. BB Rachel observes the duo working together.

It’s another interagency coalition between Border Patrol and the US military.

“I’ll just work alone over here.”

Bopper thinks Mark is the right guy for the Roadblock because he works in cattle yards, checking scales, and works with numbers.

You throw a hill at him and he vomits like crazy; throw a ton of cow shit a few feet away from him and he is doing just dandy.

“I’ll just stand over here doing my best impression of combining Fred Willard and George W. Bush.”

RACHEL: There’s like a million cows everywhere. Cattle poo is like smells like cattle poo.

I am glad Rachel was able to create the setting for us with “cattle poo is like smells like cattle poo”. What an articulate being.

No wonder they’ve all got pink eye.

RACHEL: I don’t know anything about cows except they taste good as steaks.

Correction: Steaks only taste good if they have spices on it. Fact.

Mark has a number and tries to find. . .

MARK: Grecho! Grecho!

They’re not even trying to read words anymore.

Mark encounters a circle of cattle surrounding the “grecho”. Mark tries to climb over a fence to get around them.

Mark tries to climb the barrier.

But has nowhere to go.

MARK: Grecho! Grecho! I ain’t messin’ with these cattle. Grecho!

“Grecho! Why aren’t you acknowledging me! Grecho!”

BOPPER: Run in there, Mark!

“When I was a young’un, I hurdled over cattle in the patch behind Mr. Henderson’s house!”

Mark’s first guess is also rejected.

Kerri & Stacy and Nary & Jamie’s bus is in Buenos Aires. Both teams are in cabs.

Taxi drivers love their Catholicism in Argentina.

And their perros. All that’s missing is a football player.

The other bus is still in transit. Ralph calculates they were set back by two hours. Ouch.

Joey Fitness is a cloaked skeleton now. Only unicorn blood will give him strength.

Vanessa & Ralph are our narrators of this crew.

Vanessa peers into our soul.

That horse is standing precariously on that plank.

We go back to counting cows. BB Rachel submits a guess of each cow weighing 500 kilograms.

For my American readers, that’s over one thousand pounds per cow.

Damn. Cows are big ass motherfuckers.

JJ and Military Rachel come up with 342 kilos each.

It turns out to be correct. We even see the equation on screen.

JJ has the clue but waits for Military Rachel to get hers. They exit together. Both teams read they must take a cab to El Gomero.

El Gomero is a two hundred year old rubber tree.

Joey Fitness & Danny should hit up the rubber tree before they go out to the clubs in BA tonight.

It’s in the middle of the Recoleta neighbourhood.

Where Evita be at?

Does Phil really need a long black sweater in BA?

Art & JJ and Dave & Rachel sprint to their cabs. Brendon and Bopper talk about the alliance. Brendon insists neither of their teammates should feel stressed.

Mark and BB Rachel are freakin’ out.

“Mark, don’t panic on me little buddy.”

“Bopper, this guy keeps getting angrier and angrier every time I call him Grecho.”

The real El Grecho.

RACHEL: I can’t talk. I’m really bad. Brendon hates my guts right now.

You know when you start struggling at something, and your mind naturally thinks what is happening around you is a series of worst case scenarios? I think that’s what’s going on in Rachel’s brain right now.

Rachel & Dave ask their driver to follow Art & JJ.

Rachels love following Art & JJ in TAR 20.

JJ: We helped each other out. Rachel from Big Brother was struggling by herself and she was looking at us and saying “What do I do?” And I’m not gonna help her run the race.

“Whyyyyyyyyyyy?”

JJ: I’ll help Rachel from Major Dave because we reciprocate. The Big Brother they’re tagalongs. So we just blew by her. Sorry Sucka! (Random techno sound effect plays.) And we’re outta here. I don’t feel bad about that. Not one bit.

Sorry Sucka? Who does JJ think he is?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jxm_dMsz0Rs

Booker T?

Rachel submits another guess. It’s wrong.

RACHEL: I’m really bad at math!

BOPPER: Keep your cool!

Rachel runs up the stairs to her room. It’s as if her parents just told her she can’t have any boys in the house.

BRENDON: Work with Mark! Don’t stress!

RACHEL: I’m not good at math.

MARK: I am. I am. Let’s work together.

“And I’ve only got a PhD in Physics!”

“Don’t stress her out or she’s gonna blow!”

Oh, and we’re reminded there are six other teams still in the race as we cut to another scene.

Nary & Jamie grab their clue. Nary is gonna do it as they hide the clue and run. Kerri & Stacy are sixth to the Roadblock. Stacy will do it.

Mark solves the equation for Rachel.

RACHEL: OK. Run run run. Go go go.

“Hmmm. That’s the answer?”

“Then get the fuck outta here!”

Mark beats himself over failing to round the last number on his previous guess. He is angry about it.

“Grrrr!”

Damn, Mark has a big backpack.

BRENDON: Let’s go.

RACHEL: Where is Ra Reticu–

BRENDON: Put your bag on. Put your bag on. Put your bag on. Don’t worry about that right now.

RACHEL: Don’t we need a taxi–

BRENDON: No. Put your bag on. Put your bag on.

“My mom just called saying grandma is terminally ill–”

“Put your bag on. Put your bag on.”

“And she’ll be in hospice by next week–”

“Put your bag on. Put your bag on. Don’t worry about that right now.”

BRENDON: Baby, don’t get frazzled.

RACHEL: I’m not as smart as you.

Don’t say anything, Brendon.

Mark is still uber pissed.

MARK: God I can’t believe I didn’t round the number off! We could’ve gotten first place!

“Oh, that really burns my tater.”

Poke.

BRENDON: We only told our taxi to wait five minutes but Rachel wanted to run back and see if he was here and I knew he wasn’t gonna be here.

“Which makes me the smart one.”

“Chemistry degree. Hello.”

Rachel melts down.

RACHEL: Please don’t blame me. . .you promised you wouldn’t.

BRENDON: OK. I’m sorry. Baby, stop. Stop. Don’t cry, please. We made a mistake. We need to find a taxi.

RACHEL: I’m sorry. I’m trying.

BRENDON: Stop. We’re doing good. Give me a kiss.

RACHEL: We’re not. I can’t do things that are numbered.

“Counting things in piles of cow shit is supposed to be fun!”

“And you’re the best cow counter I have ever seen!”

Commercial break. We resume.

BRENDON: Focus. Get your head back in the game.

RACHEL: You have a booger on your nose.

Focused, but not on the game.

BRENDON: Oh. Thank you.

“Only real truth flavours tell you when you have a booger on your nose!”

Brenchel enters a cab. He apologizes to Rachel for his competitive behaviour.

Lista 604? Buenos Aires is ready for the 6-0-4! They can only be referring to one man.

The Ginja Ninja! Hashtag six-oh-four! PEACE!

BRENDON: I act like a jerk; I act like a douche. I don’t mean to.

“I only do it for the cameras.”

We cut to Dave & Rachel and Art & JJ in a taxi dash.

I prefer Shades over Mullet.

Dave & Rachel are first to exit their cab and run to the mat.

A guy holding a soccer ball wearing an Argentina jersey is the pit stop greeter? Are you serious?

Rachel runs up for a hug before her placement is announced.

No. No.

They picked a Diego Maradona impersonator.

This isn’t Vegas where everyone pretends to be Elvis. This is a celebrated football star.

The closest anybody can come to a unibrow without having a unibrow.

FIRST PLACE: DAVE & RACHEL

PHIL: You are team number one. . .again.

Phil is already tired of them winning. He is going to have a long season ahead of him.

They win a seven-day trip to Grenada at the Mount Cinnamon Resort.

Mount Cinnamon sounds like a level you would find in a video game rather than a real place.

Who is the final boss at the end of the level?

The ghost of Maurice Bishop?

Rachel feels there is a target on her back.

RACHEL: Fortunately we have the Express Pass. Very much of a safety net at this point.

Ummmm, sure it is.

SECOND PLACE: ART & JJ

JJ is mortified.

“Just second? Here comes an Art Attack!”

JJ: C’mon man!

PHIL: Look at you, you look like you just lost the race. You just look like you were eliminated.

Some people just don’t like being second rate.

The last bus heads into Buenos Aires. Ralph continues narrating.

We cut back to the Roadblock.

KERRI: Stacy is a math whiz. . .but with all of these distractions with these huge guys, the cows, and the smell. . .we’re country girls but we don’t get this close to the cow.

Kerri fixes VCRs and Stacy is the Math Whiz. We’re actually learning things about our underedited teams.

I don’t know why we needed this shot.

Mark & Bopper hit the mat as the Jet & Cord theme plays.

THIRD PLACE: MARK & BOPPER

They are happier than Art & JJ.

What is Phil looking at?

The last bus finally arrives. There is a frantic atmosphere.

FOURTH PLACE: BRENDON & RACHEL

Rachel wants to improve on talking things out.

So today I learned Rachel is short.

Stacy and Nary keep writing down numbers.

STACY: It’s been years and years since some people have done math, but I have an eleven year old and I do have to help him with his homework.

I feel bad for her eleven year old. The whole state of Mississippi just heard that mommy does his homework for him. The next day at school is gonna be rough.

Thinking this is a race for ninth place, Stacy must be pumped.

“Thank god we didn’t lie and say we were high school math teachers.”

Stacy’s screech for Kerri is unbelievably high-pitched.

Nary completes the Roadblock in sixth place.

“Joey” Fitness leaps onto the platform to grab the clue.

Dude means business.

Vanessa and Joey Fitness are doing the Roadblock.

DAVE: I think it’s my turn. IT’S MY TURN!

Stop with the Oprah Winfrey theatrics.

Andrew is last to the clue and volunteers himself.

DANNY: I’ve never seen these animals before. We just see them between two patties.

“No, I mean we went to this Menonite club in rural Pennsylvania, and there were these two Amish women named Patty. A cow was between the two of them.”

Joey & Danny just want to live in an Amish paradise.

“I only know numbers in multiplications of pints, bro.”

That looks like it hurts.

Upon mentioning that he plays in MLS, the old Argentine men start shouting at him that he “isn’t a real football player”.

ELLIOT: Growing up my brother has the better math skills than I do. He went to more schooling than I did, but I’m not sure about this.

“Now watch as my sexy hair gently floats in the wind.”

Ralph and Cherie reveal their partners are awful at math.

CHERIE: It could be a long day.

“We would need the trailing bus to have five windows get smashed for Dave to have a chance at this.”

RALPH: She’s freakin’ god awful at math. She is an English major.

She knows every tense of the word “fuck” and use them correctly in any given sentence.

Meanwhile, Phil explains to Kerri & Stacy what happened to the second bus. He described it as a “mechanical problem” rather than driveby vandalism by a bunch o’ hooligans.

“Also Kerri, my grandparents in Rotorua just bought a new VCR but can’t hook it up. Can I fly you out there after the race is over to help out?

FIFTH PLACE: KERRI & STACY

They were not expecting this high of a position.

KERRI & STACY: A-W-E-S-O-M-E! AWESOME!

Diego is getting a kick out of the cheer.

KERRI & STACY: ARE WE AWESOME?!

KERRI & STACY: YAAAAAY!

You guys were fifth this leg. Fifth. Chill out.

Nary & Jamie run to the mat.

They think this is it.

PHIL: Nary and Jamie. . .

“I never wanted to let my students down.

PHIL: . . .You were on the last bus, but I’m sorry to tell you. . .

He is wearing black for a reason.

PHIL: . . .The second bus broke down!

“Everyone died who was on board! Congratulations! You’re still in the race!”

PHIL: Consequently you are team number six.

SIXTH PLACE: NARY & JAMIE

“Hopefully permanent damage ensures we stay alive until the end of the race!”

We cut back to the tense Roadblock.

DAVE: I haven’t divided since I was fifteen.

Auctioneer needs to start throwing out numbers in a bunch of different foreign languages.

“C’mon! That’s not fair!”

And who is that ginger spying on Elliot from behind the corner?

Cherie notes Dave is the only one who isn’t submitting any guesses.

Vanessa makes progress.

VANESSA: I am used to tuning out man. I’m in my own world.

If there were any women doing the Roadblock with her, she would have been screwed.

Vanessa is in her lone Amazonian headspace. . .and what is with Ralph’s tattoo on his left arm?

It looks like a QR Code.

Vanessa is done in seventh place.

VANESSA: I don’t suck at math! I don’t suck at math!

Everyone else is surprised.

Cherie prays for Dave to receive a clue.

No.

Vanessa is amazed with herself inside of the cab.

VANESSA: I got it right!

“Did you see that?”

Joey Fitness asks Dave for a number.

I think for the clown, the club promoter, and a young soccer player, the count for all three is gonna be 420.

It’s one way to disrupt a count. Just start humping one of your buddies! That’ll show ’em!

Danny yells at Joey to work with Andrew. Andrew chats with Joey.

More tears of a clown.

Andrew thinks he has it and shows it to Joey. They run together. Risky strategy when only one team is a buffer.

“Let’s bury that fuckin’ clown, bro. Make his whole body look like Ronald McDonald’s fuckin’ nose.”

They check their answers.

I don’t understand why we needed this close-up of Danny.

Joey Fitness and Andrew are both approved. Both teams jump into cabs.

JOEY: Comeback Boys. What did we say?

They’re earning that nickname two rounds in a row.

Both teams know they’re avoiding elimination.

Dave submits another guess and is wrong. Who knew two teams would align against the older family-oriented clown who is a two-time cancer survivor.

Vanessa & Ralph jump onto the mat.

PHIL: Any idea where you are?

Other than Argentina? You could give them a bit more credit, Phil.

VANESSA: Seven?

RALPH: Five?

SEVENTH PLACE: VANESSA & RALPH

Nessa is on fire today.

Cherie starts laughing.

CHERIE: This is the worst thing we could have picked for him. I shouldn’t be laughing.

He’s been up there so long that he doesn’t even know Roseanne has been canceled because of Twitter.

CHERIE: I am crying and laughing at the same time. Tears of a clown.

“My clown makeup is starting to run.”

The auctioneer stands around with the other guys. All of the cattle has been sold for the day.

Joey Fitness & Danny have a confusing entrace into the pit stop.

What is Danny doing?

EIGHTH FUCKIN’ PLACE: JOEY FITNESS & DANNY

I wonder what Diego would have thought of Danny’s mohawk? Too bad he can’t see it.

Elliot leaps onto the mat.

I was not exaggerating.

Look at that takeoff!

And the rotation!

Landing could use a bit of work, though.

I prefer Bruce Buffer’s 360 more.

PHIL: You’re excited, huh?

ANDREW: Look who it is. Legend.

Legend? I think introducing your brother as a legend may be overestimating his rock career.

ANDREW: Legend of Argentina.

Ah. That makes more sense.

PHIL: Team number nine. Cutting it fine.

They were last in their group from the first leg, and are second-to-last in their group from this leg. Elliot & Andrew are not having a good run thus far.

NINTH PLACE: ELLIOT & ANDREW

Neckhold.

Gotta keep Diego entertained until Dave & Cherie show up.

**SEVERAL HOURS LATER**

Wow. Now it’s completely empty.

If he is out there any longer, he’s gonna lose the rest of his hair.

Also, we get a hidden clue as to who will be on TAR next year.

Dave has the clue in last.

CHERIE: You didn’t quit. Show must go on.

DAVE: Show must go on.

Dave still opens the clue with the same enthusiasm as before.

Both hope it’s a NEL.

Wow, that is one bald guy. Still better than the mullet driver, though.

Dave & Cherie run to the pit stop.

Dave & Cherie put on their clown noses; gotta make ’em laugh as the curtain comes down.

Phil refuses to eliminate them with their noses on. It’s time to be professional, guys. Have respect for the game.

LAST PLACE: DAVE & CHERIE

Cherie winces in pain as she is eliminated.

Diego is taking way too much joy in their elimination.

PHIL: Any regrets?

DAVE: Not right now.

Liar.

Dave & Cherie talk about being thankful and how many things had to line up for them to go onto TAR 20.

DAVE: After twenty years we have each other, so we really haven’t lost.

You finished eighth then tenth. Your average is 9.0. That sounds like a loss to me you couple of Bozos.

CHERIE: We’re so lucky.

DAVE: We’re the luckiest people on Earth.

You rode a bus that had to stop for two hours because its window got smashed. Two hours for a broken window.

Even Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop wasn’t delayed two hours because of a broken window.

Dave & Cherie put on their clown noses as fast motion footage begins to play.

“Clowns walking! This is funnier than a capitulo of Casados Con Hijos!”

A farewell sommersault.

“Sommersaults are funny!”

“Watch out for that step!”

Now the clown is down.

“But I was about to hand down a NEL–”

The clown. Is down.

Dammit.

And the clowns are indeed down and out. Too bad.

Next Time on TAR: Elliot & Andrew get strung out while teams take on a mountain of melons and each other.

MENTIONED IN THE ‘NEXT TIME ON’ SEGMENT

—

ELLIOT & ANDREW 1

CONFESSIONAL COUNT

DAVE/CHERIE 6/12

MARK/BOPPER 7/5

BRENDON/RACHEL 3/7

JOEY FITNESS/DANNY 3/5

NARY/JAMIE 5/3

ELLIOT/ANDREW 1/1

RACHEL/DAVE 6/5

KERRI/STACY 2/2

VANESSA/RALPH 8/9

ART/JJ 2/5

Leg Rankings

1) Santa Barbara, California -> Cafayate, Argentina

I am not a fan of Starting Line tasks, and here we get another clear example of how a Starting Line task makes a season premiere feel super rushed and condensed. The first time we see two teams interacting is when Art & JJ and Dave & Rachel team up during the Roadblock. A couple of other loose observations during the tasks, and that’s it. Thankfully future rounds will explore these social interactions more.

There is one good thing about the Starting Line task this year: It’s the first one without any sort of penalty for the team that finishes last. They just have to get to the airport like everybody else.

Making 120 empanadas prior to reaching the pit stop was more of a unique task in TAR, and I appreciated it. We saw quite a bit of position shuffling due to the difficulty of it.

We saw a classic Roadblock fakeout as the team that thought they were going to skydive never ends up skydiving. Producers wanted more terrified racers to do this task, but the best moment we got was from Stacy and even that was a very small and repetitive moment we have seen over the course of twenty seasons.

Part of me wishes the pit stop was at a separate location, but it is the only reason why we got our Misa & Maiya elimination moment. I saw this episode live when it originally aired over six years ago, and the idea of this ever happening on TAR was thought to be reserved more for fanfics.

“A team is within plain sight of the pit stop less than100 yards away and doesn’t see Phil, camera crew, the pit stop mat, and the pit stop greeter? There’s no way that could happen.”

But it did. And not only that, but it was in the final showdown to determine who would be eliminated from the premiere. Knowing what happens at the finish line of this season, it really sets the tone for how TAR 20 is going to go.

Speaking of setting the tone, the way many of the teams carried themselves indicated who would be dominating this entire season. Dave & Cherie, Kerri & Stacy, Joey Fitness & Danny, and Misa & Maiya presented very clear weaknesses in this first round as the audience could quickly narrow down our contenders at the top. And Mark & Bopper were going to be our wildcards.

It’s not an awful premiere like others we’ve seen during this era of TAR, but more work still needs to be done. This episode would have been very unmemorable if not for the Misa & Maiya elimination.

2) Cafayate, Argentina -> Buenos Aires, Argentina

This leg had too many equalizers for only having two tasks.

Want to do a Detour? Wait for everyone until sunrise.

Want to do a Roadblock? You have to board one of three buses and hope yours doesn’t have somebody come up and smash your bus window with a baseball bat. Oh, and there’ll be a pit stop immediately afterwards.

Because TAR gives a lot of airtime to a pair that are prominent on other reality shows whenever a crossover occurs, we had an overwhelming amount of Brenchel content. Seeing how they competed on consecutive seasons of BB, an episode where they have several scenes early on in the season triggered a lot of groans within the viewership.

And because Art & JJ represent that anti-Brenchel Brigade within the viewership, their excessive comments towards Brendon & Rachel were also constantly shown. It doesn’t help when you know these two teams will be sticking around for a very long time in this season. What’s the point of the other nine teams being there?

Art & JJ and Dave & Rachel’s alliance dominated the whole cast for the second round in a row. It must have been scary to be any other team as they know the top two duos have decided to become a Superpower. A counter-strike has to come soon.

The Detour was a bit unique in terms of using a solar panel with minimal instruction to be setup and heat a tea kettle to a boil. That was fun to watch as teams didn’t know whether that would be quicker than the donkey alternative. Art & JJ made the absolute right call in this situation.

We found out Kerri & Stacy are good at things you wouldn’t normally associate with their archetype in TAR. They are handy and are good at math? I wouldn’t have guessed.

Mark put aside his Eeyore tendencies and was very pleasant this episode. Same with Bopper. No mention of how much they need the money. They were just having a grand ol’ time out there. This is how Mark & Bopper should be edited. They didn’t complain once during the task in an eyeroll-y fashion.

Vanessa & Ralph were the narrators for this episode. Who expected that?

Danny making himself bleed by accident and Joey Fitness’ leap onto the platform for the Roadblock clue was mildly amusing to watch.

Elliot & Andrew are invisible.

And poor Clown Dave. Nobody wanted to save him at the Roadblock.

Lastly, Diego Maradona always laughing at other people’s tragedies is about as much as you need from a pit stop greeter.

This leg just wasn’t well-designed and two teams hogging too much of the airtime is what drops it down in my rankings. CBS tried too damn hard to use Brendon & Rachel’s crossover as a way to polarize the audience. You’re better than that, execs. . .OK, maybe you’re not.

P.S. Nary & Jamie’s lie that they are kindergarten teachers is very believable considering their reaction to everything so far. I totally think Nary called a buddy in Langley to smash the second bus, though. I am certain of that.

Team Rankings

1) Dave Gregg & Cherie Gregg

Misa & Maiya weren’t capable at The Amazing Race. Dave & Cherie just seemed to really suck at math. Well, Dave anyway.

They were on the second bus and well on their way to the third round of the season, but a tragic bus accident where a window went smashy-smashy led to putting them at peril. Since the only task in Buenos Aires was for Dave to do math. Vanessa succeeded, Andrew and Joey aligned, and Dave was ultimately doomed.

Producers clearly loved Dave & Cherie. Constant positive content, exploring Dave’s history with a familiar cancer, and their own theme music. That fast motion exit with Cherie tripping and doing cartwheels was a unique piece of editing.

Dave & Cherie had terrible jokes, but at least they had a great PMA (Positive Mental Attitude!) from start to finish. No wonder Dave & Rachel were willing to give them a bit of help with the Detour. Too bad they couldn’t rescue them from the Roadblock.

During the first leg they seemed doomed to be that middle-aged couple who goes home instantly, but a combination of determination and Misa & Maiya and Joey & Danny being terrible drivers allowed them to leapfrog to a decent eighth place finish.

In a season that will be dominated by conflict between all of the teams, it’s nice that there was a sideshow of clowns who kept things relatively upbeat for the first couple of rounds.

And unlike Misa & Maiya who appeared to be recruited for the sole purpose for us to laugh at their blunders, we had a team who loved TAR and knew we were laughing with them.

Teams who go home on the second leg have a tendency to have the smallest edit of the season, but that isn’t the case here.

2) Misa Tanaka & Maiya Tanaka

Poor Misa & Maiya. Their reputation on TAR is going to be known for that one very very infamous blunder (which lucky for them will be overshadowed just two seasons later). They run a terrible leg. They can’t drive. They spend two hours searching through the same baskets in the hot air balloons. They can’t run fast.

But right before the pit stop they get a task that falls under their vary narrow tree of personal strengths. They make up a ton of time and aren’t last and then. . .completely fuck it all up by not seeing Phil. Joey Fitness & Danny slip through, and they are the first team eliminated.

Misa & Maiya have to be in the conversation for some of the worst racers ever.

John & Scott weren’t competitive.

Dana & Adrian chose the wrong person to complete a Roadblock.

Ron & Tony get very lost while driving.

Mika refused to do anything involving heights or water.

Meredith & Maria can’t drive and have no sense of direction.

Misa & Maiya. . .were mediocre or atrocious at everything that didn’t involve gyoza-related challenges. I think if you ran this season ten times, Misa & Maiya are the first team to be eliminated on nearly every leg imaginable.

It’s too bad because they wanted to be presented as strong women to the audience, but boy oh boy did that not come through.

Team Averages

—

Below is a list of all teams from seasons I have blogged to date, ranked by racing average.

e.g. Don & Mary Jean finished 9th, 8th, 8th, 8th, and 8th. Add up the numbers and divide it by the number of legs they have played.

Therefore their average is 8.2.

Because of how long this list has become, I only show the relevant section where the eliminated team from this episode has fallen amongst the ranks of what TAR history has to offer.

11th Matt & Ana 11.0 TAR 1

10th Edwin & Monica 10.0 Only team to finish last for the first two rounds of the race TAR Asia 3

10th Yani & Nadine 10.0 Would have survived round two, but were marked for elimination and thus officially finished in last both rounds TAR Asia 4

10th Jody & Shannon 10.0 TAR Adventure 16

10th Lisa & Joni 10.0 TAR 9

10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0 TAR 11

10th Neena & Amit 10.0 TAR Asia 3

10th A Black Family 10.0 TAR 8

— F +–

10th Andie & Jenna 9.5 TAR 17

10th Steve & Linda 9.5 TAR 14

10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????) TAR 13

10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.) TAR 7

11th Ron & Bill 9.5 TAR 19

11th Garrett & Jessica 9.5 TAR 15

10th Dave & Cherie 9.0 TAR 20

10th Kate & Pat 9.0 TAR 12

9th David & Mary TAR 11: All Stars 9.0 TAR 11

9th Peggy & Claire 9.0 May or may not be gutsy. TAR 2

10th Meredith & Maria 9.0 TAR 6

10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF TAR 3

10th Anne-Marie & Tracy 8.67 TAR Australia 1

8th Mo & Mos 8.60 Saved by NEL once TAR Australia 1

10th Mel & Mike 8.33 Mel died. TAR 18

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