Everyone loves to extrapolate personal and/or private information about every Amazing Race contestant every year. In a tradition that was founded during TAR Canada, it is now time for the American crew to get in on this.
You know when people say to take things you read or hear with a grain of salt? Well, I think you’ll be using so many grains of salt with this blog post that you’ll be emptying the whole goddamn box.
It is now MY turn to extrapolate personal and/or private information based on speculation without any relevant facts whatsoever to support my theory.
And as a guy in his mid-20s living in the Okanagan in a town with at least three marijuana dispensaries, I am the perfect man to answer the following question:
“WHO IN THIS CAST USES THE MARIJUANA?”
#1: DESSIE AND KAYLA
Are The Ring Girls actually the “Unintentionally Supporting The Drug Ring Girls?”
The women are from Sin City. You can buy all of the weed you want in Nevada, but locations of consumption is highly limited. You’re allowed to smoke cigarettes in casinos, drink on the streets, carry various weapons, call hookers to your rooms, but don’t even THINK about showing off the real sticky icky!
Dessie & Kayla work on promoting various combat sports events. They are constantly around athletes who beat the pulp out of each other. As a superfan of Mixed Martial Arts (I once watched over 2, 500 MMA matches in the span of 18 months), I know how much marijuana these guys use.
I mean, look at Nate Diaz. He earned a free pass at an itty bitty of CBD-eeby after being in an all-out war.
These are the athletes who Dessie & Kayla are around on a daily basis. Just think of the peer pressure that is involved.
The Diaz Brothers are blazing it up in one corner before they stock back up in Stockton, California, and Matthew Riddle is in another corner. Both are blue corners, might I add.
“Peace be upon you ladies when you smoke with your boy Matt Riddle”
And how high were they when they came up with their two catch phrases heading into the season premiere:
“Anything you can do we can do together”
“We’re ready to KNOCK OUT the competition”
I mean, I come up with a lot of ridiculous puns and I do that in a sober frame of mind.
I am ready to render my first verdict of the day.
SUBMISSION BY REAR NAKED TOKE.
#2: APRIL AND SARAH
If they were just a little bit higher when they came up with this idea, it would have evolved into pink elephant yoga.
The Mormon Church banned marijuana in 1915. Two months later the state of Utah also banned it. The only piece of legal wiggle room as of late is if you have severe epilepsy.
So just watch some Japanese cartoons and the cannabis shall be yours!
Porygon is now Utah’s favourite Pokemon!
And yes, similar laws exist in Arizona where marijuana is only allowed for medical use.
So clearly April & Sarah wouldn’t use it. . .right? Right? I mean, they even refused to drink Icelandic vodka during a task. But here’s the thing:
Everyone knows every food and drink in Iceland tastes like shit. That’s not a Mormon thing, that’s just a “let’s take our chances and not suffer from local Reykjavik vodka” kind of thing.
This comes directly from people in Iceland, by the way. Why would I say something blatantly offensive about Iceland of my own volition? The average person there has about 50 pounds of muscle on their biceps and could turn my ass into a hat within seconds. It’s like a magic trick.
Furthermore, did you notice how disoriented April was during the two Head-to-Head competitions? She kept spinning around with her fritas cart! One bump from Daniel and her world was-uh-spinnin!
April referred to Sarah as a Little B. Is that because the Little B like to smoke a Big B every now and then?
And has anybody ever taken a closer look at the pudding bowl at April or Sarah’s gatherings? Do the rules get a bit blurred and unclear when it comes to cups of chocolate?
I am ready to make another decision.
POT BELLY PUDDING
#3: CEDRIC & SHAWN
Cedric has had three heart attacks. Shawn has also had his fair share of injuries throughout his career. They would fit in well with Dessie & Kayla’s friends.
Here’s why I don’t think I have to spend much time deliberating Cedric & Shawn:
They are the only team in the 42+ seasons of TAR that I have seen where a team is dabbing in the intro!!!!
What is dabbing, you ask? I’ll let Urban Dictionary explain it to you!
It’s a dance move all about weed! Do I have to go on any further? Surely this is sufficient evidence? I am ready to make my third ruling!
Not to mention how high Shawn was when he picked out those shorts, and I ain’t talking about his and Cedric’s height.
#4: JOEY & TIM
Ah, the champion hot dog eaters.
My first question is this: What’s really in that relish?
But seriously, you’d have a tough time that Joey & Tim DON’T use marijuana.
Think about how obvious it is:
a) Joey is always sweating all of the time;
b) They can eat huge quantities of food without much explanation
c) When they go to a pit stop, they think they hear music from an entirely different location. Hallucinate much?
d) They have really bad cardio and have a tough time with being motivated enough to run from place to place. They always have to take it slow.
And of course:
He is the only racer to nickname himself after an enemy in the Mushroom Kingdom.
Just the concept of a Chain Chomp is odd. It’s a head attached to a chain that barks and bites. No limbs. No body. It scoots on its chin. When he breaks free of the chains, he is just a freakin’ ball mouth. How high do you have to be to come up with a character like that?
There is just way too much evidence to ignore the reality for Joey & Tim.
#5: CHRIS & TREVOR
In the official CBS bio, Chris & Trevor were listed as a dating couple when in reality they are just friends. Did they intentionally lie to CBS for laughs and giggles? Why did they think that would be so funny?
And of course the question that everybody has been asking since Chris’ journey came to an end. . .
Why the mustache? I think we all are owed an explanation. A Mario Bros. cosplay? Is it November and the calendar has been flipped around without me knowing? Dozens of exit interviews have been uploaded online, but not a single person asked about the mustache.
I am gonna put this out there: I am not a fan of classical music. I know. It’s sooooo shocking if you know my taste in music.
However, I think the only way anybody can listen to classical music is if they are high.
Like, Rick James high.
I know they are in love with Chelsea’s mom, but I know someone else who they are in love with. . .
But seriously, they are in love with Chelsea’s mom. That’s just weird. Hillary is seventy years old, guys! Seventy! I thought I was into older women, but Well-Strung takes the concept to a whole new level! What’s next?
They have a song about how Betty’s grandma has got it goin’ on? How much beer did you guys drink in Prague? I’ve heard of beer goggles but this is ridiculous.
Obie Trice has it easy when his biggest fear is if he wakes up next to somebody who has got some teeth.
OK. Enough joking around. Let’s get serious here.
Do Chris & Trevor smoke marijuana? Or in some other form? I think I have enough information to make my decision.
WELL STRUNG OUT
I’m sorry guys. But when you make love songs about older ladies, shave your facial hair into funny mustaches, and willingly volunteer to play classical music, what else am I supposed to think? This was by far the most reasonable conclusion for me to reach.
#6: CODY & JESSICA
Ah yes! Team Jody!
Cody has never ever been offended.
Until this guy came along.
So why is it now that Cody has been offended? What explains this mood swing? Has there been in a certain change in his habits? He was overseas for a while. No rules. Minimal oversight from the mainland. What you get to do recreationally certainly expands, but at least you have homies around you all of the time to make sure they have your back in case anything goes wrong.
And Jessica is a VIP Concierge in California.
They created something called a “Jody Army”. It’s not even a physical army that marches or anything. It’s a bunch of people on Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, and Tokers Update who like to communicate with the runner-up of season twenty-seven of The Amazing Race.
They like to wear camouflage hats to disguise themselves even though they are on camera and filmed in plain sight, they thought a lecture hall in Czech was part of their Detour task, and as of late, they suffer from short term memory recall as they watch events from The Amazing Race.
And hey, being stuck in a house with Paul, Raven, and Josh may drive people to find certain “medicinal” alternatives to cope with the PTSD of Big Brother 19.
When you combine all of the facts, the answer is clear. . .or hazy. Depending on how you look at this.
BIG BROTHER IS ALWAYS WATCHING–NO, THEY REALLY ARE, MAN!
Ah, too many Jody jokes.
#7: LUCAS & BRITTANY
Nine years waiting to be engaged. Nine years. You could say Lucas lacked a certain amount of motivation to propose. Year after year passed and he couldn’t be less concerned about missing out on his opportunity to propose. Some would say he was excessively chill about that.
Being lifeguards, they are the only people who enjoy watching the water move more than Juelz Santana. Dipset! Aie!
And they have a safe code word: Pineapple. Supposedly it has a secret inside meaning. What could the origins of pineapple possibly be referring to?
Could it be from their intake of some of that Pineapple Express? I think so. Don’t you?
Look at the other facts of this season. Lucas & Brittany rarely have a good sense of direction, Brittany started taking random people’s gnomes in Morocco that wasn’t hers, and obviously something had to have happened since leg one when she threatened to seep into Lucas’ nightmares. She clearly wasn’t very chill then. After leg two, we have only seen a few tears and that has been it.
Or what about the time she was at the seaport in Tangiers and started playing with the dead fish?
Besides, they live in Miami. I am ready to make my decision.
#8: ALEX & CONOR
Does Indy like the Indo? Let’s find out!
The racecar roommates. As we’ve established on RTV Warriors, Conor has a racecar bed and cleans up after the cat while crashing on Alex’s couch. He has been more than happy to drink beer and the vodka as well. Substances are probably his area of expertise considering he has no sense of direction in life at the moment.
He also started making up words like “baguetteist”. Baguetteist.
“That is a word, man! I had a Baguetteist in my rock band once! The igneous were all tied together, man! Best band of rocks I’ve ever had!”
It also explains why he has had a tough time keeping a steady girlfriend.
But what about Alex? He keeps making racing references every single leg.
Everything is a checkered flag to him. I am surprised he hasn’t grabbed Phil Keoghan’s head to try and wave it yet.
I would stay away from Alex if I were you, K’Naan! To him you are just floating in the air just like a waving flag!
Alex and Conor are two dudes who have spent too much time together as buds. They find themselves exploring new ways to keep their apartment interesting. Or funny. Or see if the walls can be tickled.
It’s the only explanation as to why Conor has had enough confidence to think he has a shot at any of the pit stop greeters.
It’s why Phil is there to bring him back to reality.
If Phil had her as a pit stop greeter, they could bring Conor back to life AND back to reality.
But for now, neither Alex & Conor need an extra boost to operate in reality.
#9: HENRY & EVAN
Henry & Evan. The Debaters. You can counter my argument all you want, but this is a debate I am fairly confident I will win.
First, Evan chipped a tooth.
That tooth would be hurting like a BITCH over the next couple days. You need something to soothe that pain, and if I were to be blunt, I think marijuana may or may not explain the rapid recovery by leg five.
It also explains why she went in and had a nose piercing all of a sudden at the start of leg five. What Ivy League champion debater suddenly gets her nose pierced in an impulsive move? There is no rationale explanation for this!
And I am sure Henry said “OK,” in response to when she announced she wanted one during the pit stop. Hell, it was probably while her tooth was being fixed!
I can’t wait for Evan to use her skills to debate everyone on the issue of marijuana legalization.
Let’s move on to my verdict.
WHEN THE CLOCKS CHANGE FROM TOOTH HURTY TO 4:20
#10: ERIC & DANIEL
Our beloved twin firefighters. It makes sense they smoke considering their jobs involve a “blaze” on a daily basis.
And why else would these guys be so damn bald so damn quick?
Have you ever noticed that Eric & Daniel are rarely on camera? Why don’t editors like to show them? Were are they? What are they doing?
Well, The Amazing Race is a family show. I imagine CBS cannot air footage of contestants using the reefer on The Amazing Race. Hey, the sound and visual crew need to take the edge off too. Eric & Daniel get to spend a lot of time with those guys, and sadly that footage will never make it onto our TV screens. Not until Netflix or Showtime purchases the rights to Amazing Race, anyway.
The evidence is overwhelming.
ONE BLAZE THEY WILL NEVER EXTINGUISH
#11: KRISTI & JEN
Team Extreme. X Games. Skiing. Snowboarding. That’s the crowd they roll with on a regular basis.
On a completely unrelated note, have you seen the preview for next week?
What are you hiding around your nose and mouth, Jen? You have to share some of that special Zimbongwe hash with the rest of the class.
We’ve already gone down that road full of blue and yellow purple hills of how athletes need a medicinal recovery when getting injured in their respective sport.
You thought MMA athletes hang out with Mary Jane? You ain’t seen nothin’ with skiers and snowboarders.
Matt Ladley hasn’t left his basement since filming finished for TAR 29. He wasn’t even at the finale viewing party in LA!
Or Andy & Tommy. A better question would be “What weren’t they on?”
Or Pierre & Michel. They didn’t even speak English in TAR Canada. They spoke in their own made-up language that nobody could understand!
And yes, marijuana is a gateway drug. Look at the kids from Snowboard Kids! They’re barely teenagers but all had to have reconstructive surgeries on their noses because growing up can happen a little too fast if you’re not careful!
Jen can’t stop hearing voices after she used a bit of herbal help to cure her tinnitus.
In fact, we have footage from the first time Kristi & Jen got high. Let’s take a look:
Sorry Jen. I couldn’t help myself.
So are we gonna improve on TAR Canada 5’s score and have it be a clean grassy sweep? Let’s find out.
So that’s it. Based upon everything from brief CBS bios and limited footage from six episodes of The Amazing Race (or less), I can say with absolute and irrefutable certainty that all eleven teams smoke The Weed, in one form or another.
I am glad I accomplished something meaningful this morning on my day off from work. I feel proud to do true investigative and transparent journalism that will impact all of our lives. Hopefully beyond February 21st.