EPISODE BLOG #288
“Production Needs More Java”
CHINESE TAIPEI – INDONESIA – THAILAND – MALAWI – DENMARK – GERMANY – BELGIUM – NETHERLANDS – PANAMA – UNITED STATES
Previously on TAR: Eleven teams raced from Taiwan to Indonesia. The leg began with a shock. In Joe Jer Carter, teams danced, descended, and directed. But when eight of the eleven teams missed a key piece of information at an orphanage, chaos erupted on the mat. In the end, snowboarder’s Andy’s sharp eye vaulted him and Tommy to the top while the first ever Double Elimination sent former Survivor winners Ethan & Jenna and domestic partners Ron & Bill out of the race.
Nine teams remain; who will be eliminated next?
NUMBER OF TIMES MENTIONED IN THE ‘PREVIOUSLY ON’ SEGMENT
JUSTIN & JENNIFER 1
ERNIE & CINDY 1
BILL & CATHI 1
ANDY & TOMMY 1
ETHAN & JENNA 1
RON & BILL 1
EVERYONE ELSE 0
And from this point forward, Ethan Zorn is never mentioned on The Amazing Race again. ;-(
We are introduced to the island of Java. Phil says it is the most populated island in the WORLD. Well, let’s go ahead and fact-check this. I mean, we’ve got cities like Tokyo and perhaps even Singapore in the mix.
Well I’ll be damned. Five times the population of Canada is packed into that small island.
Well I correctly guessed what second place was gonna be.
I should note the volcanoes nearly match the number of people in Java.
Sixty million people decided the Earth’s biggest Death Zone was an ideal place to settle down.
Phil says Indonesia is comprised of over 17, 000 islands.
And 65, 000, 000 people all chose the same island while ignoring the other 16, 999. It’s the most inefficient way for people to spread out in any country ever.
Phil talks about Kraton Palace and it being the second pit stop in a race around the world.
Phil wants to retire as a sultan here one day.
Andy & Tommy, who arrived first at an unspecified time, will depart at 7:38am.
Tommy is like a monkey waiting for a banana.
Andy reads that it’s time to ride into the Dutch colonial era.
PHIL: The Dutch colonized Indonesia over three hundred years ago and their cultural influence is still seen here today with bicycle clubs like this.
A bunch of ice skaters and cyclists were able to colonize this?
It’s too bad the Indonesians couldn’t get the relaxed marijuana laws from the Dutch and instead are stuck with a bunch of Dutch bicycles.
Teams will join a group of bicycle enthusiasts who re-enact the bicycle patrols of the 1940s.
PHIL: They must fall into formation with their riders who are clearly in no hurry.
Cindy is going to love that.
One guy is wearing the Mexican flag on his sleeve.
Once they arrive at Fort Vredeberg, the bicycle patrol commander will hand over their next clue.
“The one day I leave my house late for work.”
Was this filmed during Movember?
I wonder what it takes to be chosen as a 1940s bicycle commander in Indonesia in 2011.
They aren’t even carrying newspapers to do something productive while they ride.
Andy & Tommy choose one of the bicycle commanders at Kraton Palace.
TOMMY: Who’s feelin it?
ANDY: Who’s the best?
“We are a very humble people.”
TOMMY: He has a great smile!
“This is me picturing myself playing with a litter of puppies.”
Oh wait. Tommy is talking about him.
They pick him.
TOMMY: How come you don’t have any cool pins like this guy?
Maybe this guy is considered a show-off.
Andy & Tommy change into their outfits.
TOMMY: Lookin’ sharp, bud. We’re just cruisin’ with our squad.
The sharpness of his uniform really counters his hobo beard.
TOMMY: On the last leg we did things right. We just gotta continue to not miss anything. That’s key.
Yeah, not missing clues may or may increase your longevity on The Amazing Race.
Tommy tells Andy to surf the bike.
Although I think Andy is more hip flexing than he is surfing.
Laurence & Zac depart second at 7:57am.
Zac’s watch is currently two hours off.
And if you are assuming it is because he hasn’t changed the time since he left Taipei. . .
I already looked.
And no, it’s not a time difference of +12 hours between Thousand Oaks and Jakarta either because I looked that up too. Zac just sucks at adjusting his watch to the correct time.
Zac says his dad is one of the best traveling partners he could have. I wonder who else is in the running?
Zac & Laurence pick their commander.
LAURENCE: Can you take me to the changing area?
LAURENCE (annoyed): Let’s go!
Laurence says he and Zac have already been challenged out on the ocean many times and the race will bring out the best in them.
Except for when he was getting snippy at colonized bike commanders. Poor chap!
Laurence & Zac get on their bikes.
LAURENCE: We’re putting Lance Armstrong to shame here!
All he needs is for one of the bike commanders to shove steroids into his ass.
Kaylani & Lisa start in third at 8:02am. Considering Andy & Tommy were the fourth team to the mat and Kaylani & Lisa were tenth to the mat in the last leg, all of the teams finished really close together.
Lisa is wearing an “ONLY INK” T-shirt and Kaylani is wearing a football jersey. I don’t get Lisa’s T-shirt because she does not have any tattoos.
Kaylani talks about her daughter being the only source of motivation for her in this race as a single mom.
They could change the prize money from 1, 000, 000 to zero dollars if they want to test that Kaylani’s daughter is truly 100.00 percent of her motivation.
After being completely invisible in episode two, we get an extremely personal confessional from Kaylani.
We even get a photo. Yeah, Kaylani & Lisa are so being eliminated this episode.
KAYLANI: To show her what the possibilities are and challenging yourself. I don’t want to fail her.
For instance, you can fit pigtails underneath a Dutch colonial helmet if you put your mind to it. . .or become a cyclist patrol officer under the mandate of the Dutch kingdom.
Ernie & Cindy depart fourth at 8:14am. They pick a commander as Cindy talks about being a control freak.
CINDY: In order to prepare for the race I made packing lists like three months ago. We’ve studied lots of geography books and intensive language courses and done a lot of exercising.
I know Cindy has talked about how Asian she is in the first two episodes, but this confessional is not really helping her case.
Cindy puts on the outfit.
CINDY: The pants are too tight. I must have gotten fatter.
CINDY: What do you think Ernie? Have I gotten fatter?
ERNIE: Ummmmmm. . .
ERNIE: My life has basically been on her schedule for six months.
Ernie isn’t joking. It’s come out in behind-the-scenes interviews that Ernie & Cindy prepared more for the race than perhaps any other team in TAR history. Driving, navigating, random challenges, etc. They really really really wanted to win this thing.
And if we needed to add to the count of things that make Cindy feel Asian. . .
I am sure riding a bicycle through the streets of a populated South East Asian city in a uniform is pretty high up there.
CINDY: Ernie is as bad as a cop right now so he’s feeling pretty good right now. . .Just kidding.
Cindy’s way of telling a joke.
Liz & Marie depart fifth at 8:18am. Jeremy & Sandy are sixth at 8:21am.
Liz hates bikes.
Liz & Marie ride together as twins.
JEREMY: Route info. . .
(Cut to JEREMY and SANDY on a bike.)
Look ma, one hand!
This kid is getting more airtime than Jeremy & Sandy.
Bill & Cathi start seventh at 8:22am.
CATHI: I LOVE bicycles!
“If I could add a third wheel to our marriage, it would actually be two more wheels!”
Bill & Cathi talk about the other teams.
CATHI: We actually went through the teams last night found out the youngest team is over forty years younger than us. All of these people look like they could be our children.
Geez, my mom was a grandparent by her late 40s and that was without any teen pregnancies. Bill & Cathi are in their early 60s. Zac is young enough to be their grandchild!
But I’m not going to tell a woman likely going through menopause that.
Bill & Cathi are on the bikes.
CATHI: OK. Ding Ding!
Ding Ding is the name of their patrol commander on the left.
CATHI: We’re fearless. At our age you know we’re gonna die sooner anyways. So it’s all good.
Did we seriously just have Bill & Cathi tell a joke about being dead while showing Bill on-screen? No comment.
Andy & Tommy play pattycake during their patrol.
Andy & Tommy nearly run over a schoolgirl in baby blue. It’s probably brighter than those wearing reflective clothing when crossing the street.
Andy pops another wheelie.
The task is already over.
Andy & Tommy read that they must leave the busy streets of Joe Jer Carter and go to Salakmalang Village and find a specific restaurant to get their next clue.
We need a bigger close-up of the clue.
Still no clue boxes.
Something tells me health inspectors don’t come out here often.
Andy & Tommy finish the task in first; Laurence & Zac finish the task in second. They both hire cabs.
TOMMY: I bet there’s teams that haven’t even started.
It’s like the task was way too easy or something. . .well for everyone except for me since I can’t ride a bike.
Tommy is so jealous of Andy’s facial hair that he has to resort to using a fake moustache.
Justin & Jennifer depart in eighth at 8:31am. Man, that first task really was quick.
JUSTIN: Everyone has already gotten a taste of how volatile our relationship can be.
“And we got a taste of how much the other teams didn’t care.
JUSTIN: The goal for today is to focus on the positives and try to get as far away from the negatives as much as possible.
Am I the only one that forgot Justin & Jennifer even had this storyline?
Jennifer loses balance on her bike.
FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES!
Jennifer nearly runs over that Javanese man.
Amani & Marcus depart last at 8:32am. Less than an hour after Andy & Tommy began this leg. Marcus talks for about two seconds and then–
MARCUS: I’m feeling the pressure of being in the back of the pack. Especially in this game. I played in this game once I was down twenty-one points with four minutes to go. We came back and won.
MARCUS’ UNNECESSARY FOOTBALL ANALOGIES: 3
He sure loves talking about football.
MARCUS: It’s not over until it’s over.
Ah, sports cliches.
MARCUS: We’re doing a little Lance Armstrong circuit.
I love how Lance Armstrong is the only cyclist every American knows.
Ernie & Cindy are having a gentle ride until. . .
Something is missing from this picture.
Ernie’s pedal fell off. He asks if they can keep going without the pedal but the patrol insists they put it back on. Ernie & Cindy are forced to watch as Cindy quotes Rupert Boneham.
CINDY: Not good.
Yes, Cindy. Not good.
Those damn Dutch bikes.
Liz & Marie and Jeremy & Sandy pass by Ernie & Cindy.
JEREMY: Looks like Ernie had a little mishap. It didn’t look too good for him. He was not happy which made me happy.
Bill & Cathi come through too.
CATHI: Roadkill number one.
Cathi is so compassionate.
Justin & Jennifer get by Ernie & Cindy too.
A short task like this when all of the teams are close together makes Ernie & Cindy drop in the standings really quickly.
Even Skylar Grey passes Ernie & Cindy.
Cindy keeps ordering them to move but Ernie reminds her that the power of when they go is up to the commander.
Phil was right. They really are never in a hurry.
With only one team behind her, over-achiever Cindy is freaking the fuck out right now and it is hilarious.
Commercial break. We resume.
The pedal is fixed. Amani & Marcus didn’t pass them but I assume they are close.
Kaylani & Lisa finish the task in third place. Liz & Marie fourth. Jeremy & Sandy fifth.
SANDY: We can’t pronounce it. Let’s go.
Editors must love that.
Bill & Cathi are sixth; Justin & Jennifer are seventh. Cindy laments over her current position.
Marcus starts a chant that I haven’t heard since Francis in Malcolm in the Middle.
MARCUS: Marcus! Bomaye! Marcus! Bomaye!
Yeah, I’ve only heard it from Malcolm in the Middle.
In reality, it’s another sports reference.
Who is Marcus hoping to kill? Ernie & Cindy?
Kaylani & Lisa have a cab.
I think their driver has been smoking some Indonesia.
Liz & Marie and Jeremy & Sandy have cabs.
Jeremy watches the dangerous traffic from the backseat.
JEREMY: Wow. Never a dull moment.
It’s never dull when you’re with Jeremy and Sandy!
I love that guy’s neck rest.
Bill & Cathi and Justin & Jennifer also have taxis. Cathi wants to be number one.
DRIVER: Number one! Number one!
That’s what they like to hear.
Jennifer sees Bill & Cathi’s cab ahead.
JENNIFER: Yeah yeah yeah. Right on them (snaps fingers). Yeah yeah yeah.
JUSTIN: Can you not stress out our cab driver, please?
JENNIFER: Can you calm down?
That cab driver looks so stressed.
Ernie & Cindy finish the cycling task in eighth place. Ernie remarks only Amani & Marcus trail them.
Amani & Marcus are done biking.
It’s a wide stance for Marcus.
ERNIE: Oh man.
Cindy is feeling more stressed than Justin & Jennifer’s cab driver today.
Amani & Marcus try to hire a taxi.
Marcus borrowed the whistle from his friend that used to be a NFL referee.
Eventually we get to Salakmang Village. Lots of people working in fields. Andy & Tommy are first to the clue. It’s a Detour. Rice Field or Grass Fed.
PHIL: Nearly half of all Indonesians work in agriculture.
While the other half work as social media personalities?
Rice Field requires teams to deliver the midday meal to these hard-working men and women, and while the workers eat their lunch, teams must plant 300 rice sequins. When the farmers are satisfied their seedlings are planted, they will receive their next clue.
Please no leftovers.
“Dammit. It’s durian again.”
All I’ll say is this: Phil is not a tall man.
Grass Fed requires teams to properly fill two bags freshly cut grass then pick up two sheep and bring both to a shed. They must then collect six buckets of water from a well and pour them into a watering trough. Once they’ve completed their chores, the farm manager will hand them their next clue.
PETA is already on the phone to CBS.
It’s the first time where Americans aren’t going to be the ones complaining that local labour is being outsourced.
The farm manager is like twelve.
Andy & Tommy elect to do Grass Fed.
Leave it to two snowboarders to do a task that involves putting together two bags of grass.
Andy & Tommy remark on the awesome path.
Tommy nearly sprains his ankle during the jump.
Just stuffin’ grass into a bag.
Andy & Tommy say a bunch of weird words, and then we cut back to Ernie & Cindy passing a very excited Bill & Cathi.
CATHI: We’re racing! Yeah! Yeah!
“Our driver is putting Ernie’s lost pedal to the metal!”
“I hate them.”
BILL: Team number one!
Ernie & Cindy say it’s a pack of four.
JEREMY: We passed somebody else in a taxi. We don’t know who it was.
It was Kaylani & Lisa’s cab.
KAYLANI: Another team just passed us.
The taxi driver starts laughing after Kaylani is pissed about being passed.
KAYLANI: He’s laughing.
KAYLANI (definitely not sarcastic): Hehehehe. It’s so funny I’m third. They’re in a hurry and they’re gonna lose a million dollars! Haha!
Kaylani is on such a roll of sarcasm that I think her brain is about to explode.
Amani & Marcus’ driver is confused and backs up.
Amani & Marcus are rightfully concerned.
MARCUS: He don’t know where he’s going. He’s lost. This is vital! This is important brother!
Margie would not be too impressed with how much the drivers are laughing at everyone right now.
And neither is Marcus.
“Hey! I’m a sheep, guys! Look at me! I’m a sheep!”
“Yes! The whole screen is mine!”
They don’t have much room to roam in the pen.
We call this “Cock on Top”.
Andy starts laughing because the sheep is running wherever it wants.
Andy is being herded by the sheep. . .like a sheep.
Locals sure love laughing at Americans.
What the heck is that thing?
Andy & Tommy try to walk to the well but locals keep waving to try and stop them.
Andy’s ass is grass. Literally, Liz.
They indicate the grass is not sufficient.
ANDY: Not enough grass, dude. Not enough grass!
Just like their college dorm days.
The sheep have outwitted Andy. Can he escape?
Eventually Andy escapes as he and Tommy go back for more grass.
Zac & Laurence are second to the Detour. They choose to do Grass Fed. Zac & Laurence see Andy & Tommy.
“Want some grass bro?”
Andy & Tommy are at the well.
TOMMY: You must fill six full buckets. As a team, you may use only two buckets.
“Instructions seem clear to me.”
Zac’s sheep is trying to go rogue but Zac wrangles him in line.
Andy & Tommy finish filling the well.
Meanwhile, the nipple drum returns.
Zac & Laurence are at the well too.
LAURENCE: We need more buckets.
That’s a technical foul.
Tommy offers one not-so-subtle hint as he explains the two bucket rule to the audience.
“Are we the only ones who can read?”
TOMMY: Make your way to Bro o Brodeur Temple.
PHIL: Teams must make their way to Borobudur Temple and climb the stairs to the top where they will find their next clue.
Bro o’ Brodeur Temple.
Andy & Tommy are back in the cab.
That sheep does not look normal.
Laurence & Zac have finished the Detour in second. Somehow no other teams have shown up.
Justin & Jennifer, Ernie & Cindy, Jeremy & Sandy, Liz & Marie, Bill & Cathi, and Kaylani & Lisa are ALL at the Detour simultaneously.
BILL: AH! OUJA OUJA!
SANDY: Rice Field or Grass Fed?
JEREMY: Let’s do Grass Fed.
It’s a bit of chaos with teams everywhere.
Justin & Jennifer, Kaylani & Lisa, and Liz & Marie choose Rice Field.
Ernie & Cindy, Jeremy & Sandy, and Bill & Cathi choose Grass Fed.
JEREMY: This way. There’s an arrow, c’mon.
Everyone is running. Ernie cautions Cindy with her footing.
If only Jeremy did the same.
SANDY: Oh. My. God.
It’s gonna be fun people watching for this guy.
At least Sandy is faring better than Cathi.
KAYLANI: Watch out. There’s water on both sides.
That’s one way to fall to eighth.
Jeremy & Sandy are at the rice field.
Everyone is filling up bags or offering up lunch.
Don’t fall in!
I never thought Lisa would be the type to have a Lionel Ritchie song on her back.
I really hope the teams aren’t this close all round long.
SANDY: Is this full enough?
JEREMY: Yeah. C’mon.
Jennifer is carrying her weight for the team.
They run into Cathi.
Or more like Cathi runs into them.
Justin helps his nana up.
Lisa is counting each of the individual rice seedlings.
KAYLANI: This is my first time ever planting rice.
You mean you don’t have rice plantations in Nevada, Kaylani?
LISA: I’ll be fine if I don’t have to plant rice again.
I don’t think you’ll have to plant rice again.
Bill & Cathi fill their bags of grass. Bill repeatedly asks Cathi if she is OK.
It’s more like a rice FACEplantation for Cathi.
CATHI: OOOF! I’m okay!
Jeremy & Sandy grab two sheep.
SANDY: Two sheep, please. C’mon c’mon.
JEREMY: C’mon. Good boy. Here we go. Over here.
JEREMY: Baaaaaah. C’mon.
In Javanese, something tells me the onomatopoeia for a sheep is not “baaaah”.
Ernie & Cindy have their sheep.
ERNIE: Get behind him and push him a little bit.
Ernie resorts to spanking his sheep.
Meanwhile, Jennifer is mocking her sheep.
JENNIFER: AHAHAHAHAHA. Your sheep sounds like he smokes six packs a day.
“I need some Champix! My lungs are fried, man!”
Cathi tries walking again.
CATHI: Don’t get too far ahead of me, hon.
CATHI: I’m good.
Let’s just hope all of the grass didn’t fall out.
Marcus is watching a motorbike in front of him do a really good job of balancing boxes of supplies before talking about the cab driver.
MARCUS: You’ve got to be kidding me. You’ve got to be kidding me. I am hoping and praying he knows where he is going cause I am not confident at all.
“No football analogy can explain how nervous I am right now.”
We cut to Borobudur Temple. Very Chrono Trigger-esque music plays.
Andy & Tommy ask their cab driver to stay.
And also for a high five.
Tommy says you have to go through the international entrance of the temple to put on a sarong.
In other news, ‘buka’ means open in Javanese.
That is one awkward hug.
That is quite the playground to explore.
We are treated to a bunch of B-Roll until Andy & Tommy confirm that they must walk on the temple grounds. They are not allowed to run.
ANDY: Snap. That’s what I’m talking about. That’s why you do The Amazing Race right here.
It’s the perfect time for a selfie.
I would just want to run circles around it.
Laurence & Zac reach the top and are stopped with a clue.
And effectively block everyone else’s way.
It’s a Roadblock. Phil says this temple was built in the 8th century in the dense jungle, and was covered up in dense jungle until discovered a few hundred years ago.
PHIL: Those who worship here are looking for enlightenment. Buddha will provide teams with the answers they need.
Buddha is going to appear on The Amazing Race! It took nineteen seasons but we finally get our cameo.
Walking in a clockwise direction around this temple, teams must identify Buddhist statues with four distinct hand positions. Additionally, they must figure out they must demonstrate the hand positions. Once they have a proper count of each statue, they will receive their next clue.
Looks more like Survivor: Guatemala’s hidden immunity idol.
“Look at my nails!”
I didn’t know Buddha spoke Klingon. Live long and prosper!
“Please sir, can I have some more?”
LAURENCE: I better do it, Zac.
Why, Laurence? You don’t even know what the task is yet.
What the hell is that statue, by the way?
Since it’s the third Roadblock, there is only one way for Andy & Tommy to figure out who will do this Roadblock.
Andy wins round two the same way he won round one. He tells Tommy to do it.
Tommy and Laurence agree to align.
LAURENCE: I count, you remember?
Laurence says he aligned with Tommy because he has the same sense of adventure as he does.
“And also because they were the only team there at the time.”
“Nope! Same sense of adventure!”
We cut back to the Detour.
Lisa is bent over doing the Detour.
LISA: I am not a Village Child.
“I didn’t even like the YMCA.”
I don’t think cocktail waitresses were one of the five groups represented in the Village People.
Kaylani & Lisa and Liz & Marie both ask for a judge and are done. Liz & Marie are done in third and Kaylani & Lisa are fourth.
MARIE: Make your way to burburbur and search for your next clue.
Liz & Marie have given up on their clue as much as their muddy shoes.
Kaylani & Lisa have dropped only one spot.
KAYLANI: Can you go fast? Fast.
He isn’t laughing at her which is a good sign.
Why is Liz stressed? She is in a purple taxi.
Amani & Marcus are last to the Detour. They choose Grass Fed.
SANDY: We need six buckets of water. Did you read it? We have to get this next one before a team gets here.
JEREMY: K. There’s one.
Ernie & Cindy and Justin & Jennifer are at the water well.
“It’s one big clusterfuck. Yay!”
Bill & Cathi have picked two goats.
Well, now it’s down to one.
“Molly! Come back! This is my childhood on the farm all over again!”
CATHI: Hey children! Stop!
It’s like trying to stop students from running in a hallway for Cathi.
Cathi eventually catches up with it and grabs its tail as hard as she can.
The sheep tries to get away, but that grip is really tight.
That’s the tightest grip on somebody’s ass since that video with Snoop Dogg.
NOTE: The sheep is bleating in the most terrifying way possible on the audio. It sounds like it is being really violated.
Bill decides to pick up one of the sheep.
BILL: Come here you little turkey!
Bill is really confused about his animals.
Penguins are so much happier to be picked up than sheep.
Amani & Marcus fill up their bag of grass and start walking. Jeremy & Sandy are emptying buckets.
SANDY: Just two more, baby. Two more. We got this.
Jeremy & Sandy complete the Detour in fifth. Ernie & Cindy finish sixth as Bill & Cathi show up to the well. Justin & Jennifer are finished in seventh. Amani & Marcus are getting impatient as they grab the two sheep.
The small one decides to lay down while Marcus tries to drag it.
Well that is just not gonna fly in his squad.
Amani’s sheep sucks almost as bad at walking.
Amani & Marcus are ready to fill buckets when–
There’s a problem.
The bags are as empty as a sheep’s belly, apparently.
Although that looks like a pretty damn full bag to me. I think the local is just trolling Amani & Marcus.
I think Amani & Marcus want to say other words in its place right now. I really don’t want to be that sheep right now.
Amani & Marcus swap Detour options.
Bill & Cathi have their clue in eighth place.
We get to see the clue on-screen.
Nothing like fresh feed, eh boys?
AMANI: We’re in last right now.
MARCUS: Dangit we should’ve planted the rice. God doggit!
What’s next? They’re going to say fudge instead of fuck?
Commercial break. We resume. Everyone is gone. They know they are really far behind.
Marcus is bent over like he’s in a NFL huddle.
At the Roadblock, Laurence counts 17 for three of the status and 18 for the other. Tommy verifies that count.
Their partners have formed their own duo called #TeamSunglasses.
Laurence reports the count.
LAURENCE: Seventeen. Seventeen. Seventeen. Eighteen.
“Yes. Those are numbers.”
What do you mean ‘seventeen of what’? Of course Laurence is talking about Buddhas! What do you think he is talking about? Seventeen monkeys?
LAURENCE: Buddas. Hands. Praying. Seventeen. Seventeen. Seventeen. And eighteen.
And that guy couldn’t be more smug about telling them they are wrong.
Tommy Boy is stressed.
Tommy and Laurence figure out they need to know each of the four hand gestures. Laurence says they have to count again.
Think this through, boys.
ZAC: Take your time, dad. You got it.
ANDY: Take your time? What are you guys doing?
If teams either can’t read or take their time, this is going to be an easy season for Andy & Tommy.
Liz & Marie and Kaylani & Lisa’s cabs are at the temple.
Which is great because Liz & Marie’s temples are going to have to work extra hard today.
Liz & Marie and Kaylani & Lisa both are stunned by the beauty of the temple.
LISA: This temple looks like it has been here for a really long time.
“It’s like, older than the Eiffel Tower in Vegas.”
Kaylani & Lisa are third to the Roadblock.
LISA: Who is. . .prepared to follow. . .the path. . .to Buddha?
Lisa suddenly turns into Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle.
KAYLANI: If you’re tired, don’t do it.
Anytime a woman is tired she doesn’t want to do it. That’s been my problem my whole life!!!!1111
Liz & Marie have to do another memory challenge where they have to count four numbers that are each around seventeen or eighteen? I think they might be better off with two sentences.
KAYLANI: Can you do it?
Kaylani continues her interrogation of Lisa’s abilities. Remember that Kaylani has already done two Roadblocks.
And once she realizes she’ll be down 3-0 in even Roadblock distribution if she fails to do this one.
Jeremy & Sandy are in a cab.
JEREMY: We can’t make any mistakes.
SANDY: Is the car okay?
No. The car is not okay.
JEREMY: We’re so screwed if this taxi breaks down.
SANDY: This car is dead. This is one kilometre.
JEREMY: Let’s go. Let’s run. Oh we’re so screwed.
“You guys are calling for help, right?”
Colin likely would have murdered the cab driver before running.
Jeremy & Sandy keep running and try to hail a taxi. It doesn’t stop.
Not even cab drivers notice Jeremy on this season.
Ernie, Bill, and Justin are doing the Roadblock as they show up. Ernie doesn’t know if the statues or the carvings are all included in the count.
We see a montage of guesses.
Justin doesn’t submit a guess when he whispers to the judge.
I think that sexual act is banned in Indonesia, Justin. And why did he have to whisper it in such a seductive tone?
On so many levels.
The guesses continue and Lisa is back again.
Nice try, Lisa.
Liz (or Marie?) asks Lisa what count she has been getting in the middle of Lisa’s counting.
“Talk to the hand because the face don’t wanna listen.”
LISA: You’re gonna make me lose count. Like four hundred and something.
This could be a long Roadblock.
Jeremy & Sandy are eighth to the Roadblock.
JEREMY: Who is prepared to follow the path to Buddha?
SANDY: You are. You have more energy than I do.
Jeremy finds a local.
JEREMY: Do you know how many of those are?
(LOCAL shakes head.)
It was worth a try.
Amani & Marcus are the only team still at the Detour. They eventually finish planting the seedlings.
Somehow the clue didn’t get stuck in the pits of mud.
Amani & Marcus are done.
AMANI: We are tired and disgusted.
MARCUS: Dirty. Disappointed. Frustrated. Angry. The most important thing right now is I am tired, but I know one thing we won’t do.
I wish they would wear those hats for the whole season.
We are back at the Roadblock where Laurence and Tommy have memorized the four poses.
Zac is trying way too hard to look like the kid from the shitty movie Expelled.
Laurence doing the poses cracks me up a little.
Zac’s sunglasses are intrigued.
Laurence is correct. The clue is his.
Laurence reads that teams must search the temple grounds for the pit stop. Last team to check in may be eliminated.
Phil filmed the Roadblock and pit stop footage in the exact same spot. This leg had a truly terrible design.
Laurence reminds Zac they are not allowed to run.
Tommy completes the Roadblock in second as Andy reminds him they have to settle their bill with the cab.
Amani & Marcus are at the entrance to the temple.
AMANI: We let the cab go because he was so bad.
I don’t think any of you are good, to be honest.
Amani & Marcus see Andy & Tommy as they pass through security.
“Do I have to take off my Super Bowl ring?”
Tommy offers a quick way of doing the Roadblock.
AMANI: . . .Yeah.
Amani answered wisely.
Andy & Tommy don’t explain the Roadblock. Tommy goes straight to giving the answers.
Tommy does the next two poses and saying the number “seventeen” and does the final pose before saying “seventeen” again.
Maybe Tommy is doing the “Stop. . .in the name of love” choreography. Remember that there is no explanation attached to the answers by Tommy.
Amani copies the poses and numbers and repeats them back to Amani.
“Ummmmm. . .like this?”
TOMMY: You tell him the whole thing?
Amani repeats it again.
Marcus looks really confused.
Andy & Tommy walk away talking about how they wanted Amani & Marcus to finish this round.
Man. That is awfully early to be cutthroat.
Amani talks about seeing Andy & Tommy. By the time she gets to the top she admits to forgetting everything they told her.
AMANI: I didn’t know ‘A’ from ‘Z’. I was so tired when we got up there.
So much for “muscle memory”. For Amani it’s more like “muscle amnesia”.
I like how the one guy is waiting to see if Amani will faint on the spot.
Marcus reads the Roadblock hint.
I think Amani just wants to follow the path to a sofa.
There is a long pause.
MARCUS: Do you want to do it or do you want me to?
AMANI: . . .I need you to do it.
“I don’t know why I need to do it. You look fine to me.”
We cut to a confessional.
AMANI: Was I breathing?
MARCUS: Yeah, you were breathing really hard.
I really hope it’s the Roadblock scene they are talking about.
Other teams keep making guesses.
Liz looks like she wants to a secret Adria-Natalie inspired twin swap, and Bill’s sarong looks like an adult diaper.
Everyone re-reads the clue.
Lisa and Liz are using the same hand position. They should be Buddhas!
I don’t know what they could be counting by looking down below.
LISA: But there’s so many of them.
69 total, actually.
It’s not a joke, Billy.
It would be funny if a Buddha statue fell and landed on Bill’s head.
It’s all coming down to this task.
Andy & Tommy and Laurence & Zac settle their cab bills.
That elephant also functions as a vacuum cleaner.
That is an elephant yawn.
LAURENCE: Let’s be team number one, Zac. Let’s be team number one.
Laurence & Zac hit the mat.
Tara Basro welcomes them to Wunderful Indonesia.
PHIL: Laurence and Zac, you are team number “one”!
“FIRST” PLACE: LAURENCE & ZAC
“We did it, Zac! We’re team number one on The Amazing Race!”
PHIL: However. . .
The hugging immediately stops.
Phil reminds them that they used two buckets instead of six.
We get a ten second flashback.
PHIL: You’ve incurred a fifteen minute penalty.
Wait? What happened to the mandatory thirty minute penalty when you make a mistake during a task?
“This isn’t fair.”
Phil instructs them to wait under a specific tree.
Laurence apologizes to his son for ruining their dreams.
Tommy pulls a Funky Kong on the mat as Laurence & Zac hopelessly watch.
Tommy sees Laurence & Zac underneath the tree.
I think they know what’s coming.
PHIL: Andy & Tommy, you are the second team to arrive.
ANDY (cautiously): Alright. . .
They get the full eyebrow treatment.
“SECOND” PLACE: ANDY & TOMMY
Phil then explains the penalty that Laurence & Zac received.
Laurence & Zac see their Travelocity trip vanishing.
“They get to hang out with the gnome. Those bloody wankers.”
Andy & Tommy win a trip to Dubai.
FIRST PLACE: ANDY & TOMMY
It has taken a total of four teams receiving penalties in order for Andy & Tommy to win two legs of the race.
And for two guys who aren’t fond of religions outside of Christianity, they sure are doing a good job in a country that shares in mostly the Buddhist and Islamic faiths.
ANDY: No way.
TOMMY: You’re kidding me.
PHIL: You’ve won a trip to Dubai.
ANDY: That’s crazy.
PHIL (for the second leg in a row): Oh yeahhhh, you’ll be staying at the. . .
I don’t know why Phil has to go all radical and say “oh yeahhh” at the start of each Travelocity explanation.
That gnome should be so much more scared.
“Look what I can do, Mika!”
TOMMY: Laurence helped me on that Roadblock.
ANDY: They should’ve won this.
TOMMY: They should have this win right now.
PHIL: That doesn’t mean you can’t gift it to them.
Phil has a good point. Nothing is stopping them from giving out their prize.
ANDY: But then we’ve got to face our wives!
PHIL: That’s true.
Wow, we just had a conversation on TAR about a team being pussy whipped by their spouses back home.
Also, I refuse to believe a married man is allowed to grow a beard like that.
“They should have this prize but PSYCH!”
ANDY: We’re sorry guys. Talk to us when you need some snowboarding gear. We owe ya.
“. . .Assuming our wives let us.”
Commence not-so-secret handshake!
Laurence & Zac’s penalty has expired and are called over. For some reason, they run.
SECOND PLACE: LAURENCE & ZAC
LAURENCE: That’s alright.
ZAC: It’s alright.
Translation: It’s not alright.
We cut to an elephant.
I assume that’s a female elephant?
Liz joins the other teams doing the Roadblock and complains about the task. She says there is something they are missing because it would be way too easy if all they have to do is count the statues. They all repeat the numbers they have guessed multiple times.
Liz, Justin, Jeremy, and Ernie come together to try and figure out this mystery.
A lightbulb goes off for Ernie.
Ernie solves it for everyone.
They listen to their fearless leader.
“Let’s do this shit.”
It’s like the TAR 3 Twin Hunt all over again.
Marcus’ amnesia is kicking in. He doesn’t know what Andy & Tommy told him.
AMANI: Andy & Tommy told us the information and we hope Marcus was LISTENING.
MARCUS: . . .
“. . .He wasn’t listening.”
Amani uses her water bottle to pretend she is a sportscaster to help calm her nerves.
O Vince Lombardi,
Please Guide Me to Salvation.
MARCUS: We were carrying backpacks and running. I remember something about Buddhas and gestures. I should’ve paid more attention cause whatever they were saying would be good cause they were finished.
“. . .I think I fucked up.”
MARCUS: . . .SHOOT!
I love how everybody who is half of Marcus’ size instantly turns around in fear. Especially when he is shouting the word “Shoot!” He was better off saying ‘shit’ or ‘damn’ to trigger less fear.
Commercial break. We resume.
Marcus is meditating.
The group of four come up with a plan to split each pose between them.
JEREMY: Yeah, yeah, there’s four of us.
Ernie gets pumped for this.
And away they go!
“I’ve got a nosebleed.”
“Marcus has got a nosebleed?”
Oh, Ludacris lyrics.
We see Lisa counting.
She is going to lose circulation in her arm.
Bill presents his guess with the different poses.
BILL: There are twenty-two like this–
CATHI: Bill, be quiet!
BILL: Bill, there are nineteen of this.
CATHI: Bill! I can hear you!
“Can it, mister!”
Closer than 201 and 202 and 203 and 204.
Lisa asks Marcus what she thinks she is doing wrong. Marcus explains the Roadblock to her despite them currently being in the bottom two.
“And these are pure abs. No body fat whatsoever. You can touch it if you like.”
Lisa turns around to point out the different Buddhas.
Marcus tries to demonstrate the fifth secret pose of the “Spanked Buddha,” but sadly Lisa never gets to see it.
Lisa and Marcus walk together. Marcus stops to demonstrate more poses.
“This is the ‘Okie Dokie’ Buddha.”
The four-person alliance demonstrates the numbers and poses for each other.
And there is a boy wearing a Caltex shirt. What is this? TAR Asia?
For some reason, we keep cutting to Cindy A LOT during the Roadblock, and for pointless shots like these ones. I don’t understand why.
Everyone else is watching the seven contestants go down to present their guesses.
Knowing that the pit stop is on foot, this is going to get messy very fast.
Bill is the next one to guess.
Bill even sits down like a Buddha.
Bill’s guesses are correct and Cathi screams at the top of her lungs.
I should note everyone is applauding Bill completing the task.
They are Buddha Bros!
“I am so proud I could kiss you right now!”
For some reason, the woman on the right does not like old people.
Bill & Cathi realize they have to settle up their bill.
Justin copies the sitting down technique too. Who does he think he is?
The other teams spy on him from afar.
Justin is approved. Ernie is approved.
Although Cindy was nervous beforehand.
Liz—oh wait, it’s Marie. She finishes the Roadblock.
Jeremy gets the clue in seventh.
SANDY: Warning: Last team to check in may be eliminated. Everyone else has a taxi to settle but we don’t have a taxi because ours broke down.
Lisa performs the poses next.
“Buddhas only see me from here up.”
Lisa finishes the task in eighth. Marcus is done in last.
Kaylani & Lisa have to settle the bill with their cab too, but not Amani & Marcus because they sent home.
Jeremy & Sandy stroll onto the mat.
PHIL: Jeremy & Sandy. . .
JEREMY & (whispering very very quietly): Yes, Phil?
PHIL: You are team number three.
(They clap and hug.)
THIRD PLACE: JEREMY & SANDY
Then we cut to more teams moving. Nobody is allowed to run on temple grounds.
KAYLANI: C’mon Lisa.
LISA: Kaylani, you need to realize I am not as breasted as you. I am going as fast as I can.
I never realized that was going to be an issue.
Jennifer spreads her wings and flies onto the mat.
FOURTH PLACE: JUSTIN & JENNIFER
FIFTH PLACE: ERNIE & CINDY
And they all jizz at once. . .except Cindy.
Bill & Cathi and Liz & Marie find their cabs.
Amani & Marcus run to the pit stop while an elephant groans at them.
An animal ten times as big as you is not something you want to disturb.
PHIL: Amani and Marcus. . .you know where you finished?
MARCUS: We don’t know.
“Andy & Tommy told us but we have since forgotten about it.”
SIXTH PLACE: AMANI & MARCUS
PHIL: It looks like you’ve just won the Super Bowl right now.
Don’t do it, Phil.
MARCUS: I feel like I just won the Super Bowl because a lot of times when you win the Super Bowl you need a lot of luck on your side. . .Yes!
MARCUS UNNECESSARY FOOTBALL ANALOGIES COUNTER: 4
It’s a showdown between the other three teams. Liz & Marie eventually find their cab driver and pay him.
Bill carries Cathi’s backpack full of Depends to the pit stop.
SEVENTH PLACE: BILL & CATHI
For the second round in a row, Bill & Cathi leave the final task in the top three but lose ground because of the dash to the pit stop.
CATHI: Must be lucky.
We keep waiting for the next team to show up to the pit stop.
They are not optimistic.
Music shuts off completely.
LITERALLY EIGHTH PLACE: LIZ & MARIE
Liz starts karate chopping the air.
Marie couldn’t be happier.
Liz & Marie thought they were last because they didn’t see Kaylani & Lisa (but Kaylani & Lisa saw them), and the fact they had to pay their cab.
Kaylani & Lisa take the elephant poo-laden walk of shame.
They know what’s coming.
LAST PLACE: KAYLANI & LISA
And they are eliminated from the race.
They dodged a bullet at each of the first two legs, but third one got ’em. You only live. . .thrice?
Lisa says the usual boring stuff until Kaylani is holding back tears.
PHIL: It’s okay. You’re allowed to cry.
We hear an elephant crying in the background as Kaylani also cries. She has been thinking about her daughter all day with her blonde hair and blue eyes. She talks about how it is not easy being a single mom and wanted to provide for her daughter.
KAYLANI: I feel like I failed her.
This is a surprisingly teary-eyed early exit. I get the feeling Kaylani wanted to try really hard to break the inevitable pre-season stereotypes of how models/showgirls are viewed on Survivor and TAR, and these three rounds didn’t present the biggest case of breaking that.
This is mildly heartbreaking to watch.
PHIL: She’s not gonna think you failed her. She’s gonna be proud of you that you went out and gave it a good shot. You guys never gave up.
“Or maybe she will think you failed her. I don’t know her daughter. In fact, I don’t really know you guys. Logan is much more sympathetic than I. I am just a TV host that loves to eliminate people and crush their dreams. I don’t have many friends. I mean, look at who I hang with. Today I have spent six hours talking to an Indonesian showgirl wearing a pink headdress. Am I gonna see her after today? Probably not. I’m going to go to my hotel, cry into a bucket of Breyer’s Rocky Road ice cream, and then I start doing all of this shit again tomorrow. It’s the Keoghan Life.”
“We don’t want to hear your life story, Phil.”
LISA: We gave it a good shot.
Lisa talks some more.
KAYLANI: I get to go home and HOPE my little girl is gonna be proud of me.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Kaylani lost full custody of her daughter shortly after the airing of this episode due to being disappointed her mom finished ninth on the nineteenth season of a reality show in rapid decline. Kaylani has been allowed one supervised visit per week over the past six years.
I’m just kidding. I am sure everything is fine, and her daughter got over her mom not making it deep into a reality show that only old people watch anymore.
Not only that, but Kaylani has gained a new good friend in Ryan Storms ™. This might be my favourite twist of all. Good ol’ Ryan Storms ™ is part of the TAR family. I hope he is a contestant on TAR 31 for the lolz.
Next Time on TAR: In Thailand’s tropical playground, teams hit breakneck speeds, face a sheer rock wall, and spend some time at the beach.
RYAN STORMS 0
NUMBER OF TIMES MENTIONED IN THE ‘NEXT TIME ON’ SEGMENT
JUSTIN & JENNIFER 1
ERNIE & CINDY 1
BILL & CATHI 1
EVERYONE ELSE 0
RANK THE LEGS
1) Taipei, Taiwan -> Joe Jer Carter, Indonesia
First off, thank god production chose to not do the Contradicting Sign Twist ever again.
Racers are instructed to follow what’s in their clue as the primary source of instruction. During the Detour, they were told to give up the Rupiah they earned to the orphanage. It said nothing about giving up your American Dollars. Teams said that even if they noticed the sign (primarily the words of Jenna Morasca) that they still would have followed what it said in their clue rather than some random sign. I believe that since Phil could have penalized them at the pit stop for not following their clue correctly or unintentionally trick teams into giving up precious money for the following round of play.
It is even worse that this twist occurs simultaneously with the Double Elimination. If the sign wasn’t there, Ethan & Jenna finish this leg in ninth and are saved over Kaylani & Lisa. That’s a potentially big change to have a ripple effect throughout the rest of the season.
This round also had what many consider to be the dumbest Speed Bump of all-time. Untying that rope took somewhere between 5-8 minutes based on the order of events on-screen. I am sure the audience was happy to see Bill & Cathi take the lead after doing the Speed Bump, but we all wished they did a bit more to earn it. Sadly nearly every Speed Bump in the future will go on to be a joke collection of tasks. I have been long advocating for a new type of NEL penalty because clearly the Speed Bump is not working.
The Roadblock was a cool location and was a decent task. A spelunking obstacle course was fun.
The Detour wasn’t particularly memorable. Because of the nineteen teams checking into the pit stop, it was one of the most condensed tasks in TAR history. I think we saw about twenty seconds of dancing and about thirty seconds of motorbikes being parked. It didn’t appear to be memorable or difficult.
The only reason this leg isn’t at the bottom is because Indonesia was a brand new location for TAR US. Other franchises beat them there but it was nice for TAR US to get it off of their check list.
Jeremy & Sandy’s only storyline of wanting the Survivor winners effectively comes to an end this round. Watch their airtime dwindle even more.
Justin & Jennifer was more annoying than it was fascinating to watch. I think the pettiness of the fighting outweighed the comedy of it which is a shame. I wish they recorded some of their physical altercations when they were younger, though. Did anyone get a broken nose?
Despite Bill & Cathi dropping to seventh because they had to run several kilometres, it was still a great comeback for a team that finished the first leg over six hours behind almost all other teams. Yes, two massive equalizers helped but at least they are no longer perceived as a team of fodder.
Kaylani & Lisa’s airtime essentially dropped down to nil this episode. For a team that made a huge blunder in the first leg and were extremely lucky to be saved this round, production didn’t want to focus on them when they aren’t doing anything jaw-dropping.
And I think Ron & Bill finished where most people expected them to this season. They were too mellow for the race.
2) Los Angeles, California -> Taipei, Taiwan
I hate Starting Line tasks. I hate pointless Speed Bump-esque penalties that aren’t entertaining and/or serve no purpose to the race other than ‘look at this repackaged twist that we are pretending is brand new!’
I am becoming increasingly more open to NELs in the season premiere, and surprisingly I am okay with the setup for the Double Elimination twist. Eliminations in TAR have always been arbitrary, and choosing to eliminate the bottom two teams in exchange for saving a team this round is perfectly fine with me. . .even with who eventually goes home because of it. -_-
I like that producers didn’t use a single clue box this round. We had a tough billboard challenge that left old people scrambling for five hours.
The other tasks weren’t particularly interesting to watch.
The umbrella task came down to pure luck for most teams at the starting line and led to a pointless penalty that was even more pointless because of the NEL. It just cost us precious Taipei time.
The Hazard required only one person to participate while their partner did nothing.
The dragon boat task wasn’t really a task. It was all to be done in a fixed amount of time for the most part. They had twenty people helping them.
The Confucius Roadblock was alright. I wish the phrase was just a little bit longer, but was enough to stump Liz for a really long time.
I am seeing evidence of why this season doesn’t make a big impression on people. You either didn’t like the twists or were indifferent to it, and no major storylines really developed.
Cindy is controlling.
Marcus loves football.
Kaylani & Lisa had the worst start ever in TAR history, but somehow finished the leg in ninth. How far can they go? And that whole incident with Reality Fan Forum was a memorable moment.
Bill & Cathi are nice. Hopefully they don’t screw up this second chance.
Ethan & Jenna were on Survivor.
Premieres need to either grip you in with story or be hilarious to make people settle in for the ride–this was neither.
Overall, the good cancels out the bad and leaves us with a very mediocre season premiere for TAR.
3) Joe Jer Carter, Indonesia -> Magelang, Indonesia
This leg is definitely the worst out of the first three in terms of design.
Easy cycling task where the only way the order changed is if your bike had an unintentional malfunction.
Both sides of the Detour were quick and uneventful. Either plant rice in mud or fill up grass to an arbitrary line that was either accepted or rejected based upon questionable criteria, fill buckets, and herd goats. The bags of grass still mildly annoys me since some of the teams’ bags looked really full.
The Roadblock and the Pit Stop were in the exact same location. That means whether or not you happened to settle with your cab beforehand solely determined who went home because all of the teams were close together. In other words, it was a roll of the dice to figure out who was going home.
Andy & Tommy won another leg because of a team ahead of them being penalized at the pit stop. We don’t know why the penalty was determined to be fifteen minutes rather than the standard thirty. Perhaps because the leg was so short and linear that a fifteen minute penalty was the equivalent to a thirty minute penalty in other legs.
Ernie & Cindy received a huge amount of attention during this leg as a team being aggressive and skilled at the race, and Amani & Marcus rallying from certain doom were the two key storylines of this leg. Oh, and Bill & Cathi are old people who can’t stand in tall grass. Everyone applauding whenever they complete a task is kind of hilarious as if they aren’t capable of going far in the race.
Lastly, we hit upon Kaylani & Lisa’s only non-passport storyline. Kaylani has a young child at home that she misses. Phil, Lisa, and hopefully others successfully convince Kaylani that she isn’t disappointing her daughter. It was a roller coaster for a team that goes home in the second elimination leg of the season. Considering they originally checked into the second pit stop in tenth, and Phil was on his way to eliminating them in the first leg, they are probably grateful they got three rounds in The Amazing Race.
This leg would have been much stronger if they travelled to another part of Indonesia that was outside of Java.
RANK THE TEAMS
One) Ethan Zohn & Jenna Morasca
This is more of a ranking to reflect Ethan’s presence rather than Jenna’s. It is always how I have felt about this seven year dating couple on Survivor. Their Survivor personalities were repeated here in TAR 19. Jenna was always pissed off and making big mistakes like forgetting the Detour clue while Ethan was positive, interesting, and fun to watch.
Editors appeared to have very little interest in showing Jenna. They wanted Ethan to do all of the talking which was probably wise in their limited run.
Out of all of the teams to go home on the first elimination leg, Ethan & Jenna rank high up there in terms of attention attracted by the other teams. There was a surprising number of scenes where teams were talking about how much they wanted Ethan & Jenna eliminated from the race. Thankfully Ethan & Jenna weren’t completely segregated as they were shown having fun with teams like Laurence & Zac and Andy & Tommy.
It is a shame that the Contradictory Sign and the Double Elimination twist had to combine their bad taxi driver to put them in a guaranteed spot to be eliminated. I am sure Ethan was mildly embarrassed to be eliminated because of a task that required them to give money to charity.
This was supposed to be Ethan & Jenna’s epic return to competitive reality TV, and they are barely a footnote in this season. In fact, Ethan nor Jenna have not made another appearance on Survivor or TAR since then. They really should have taken that initial offer of competing against each other on Survivor: South Pacific.
I am sad. My ten year old self wanted to watch Ethan try and win again.
Two) Kaylani Paliotta & Lisa Tilley
In the first episode, they lost a passport and were saved by social media moments before Phil was going to eliminate them at the airport, thereby cancelling the Double Elimination twist.
In the second episode, they were about to be eliminated but were one of only three teams to correctly read a sign at an orphanage.
In the third episode, Kaylani missed her daughter. Then was eliminated.
That is the three episode story arc of Kaylani & Lisa.
Their opening confessional was making a comment that viewers and their opponents would only see them from the breasts and upwards. They also wanted to break the stereotype that models and showgirls have on The Amazing Race. Did they break the stereotype? Overall, probably not, but is it really Kaylani & Lisa’s responsibility to break that and rocks should be thrown at them if they didn’t succeed at that objective? Of course not. They’re just people.
I am amazed how invisible they were in the second episode. We see Kaylani cry at the pit stop and that’s it.
I am glad they found a new friend in the form of Ryan Storms ™ because of their TAR experience. That’s not a story you read about too often. Overall they were an interesting presence on this season.
Three) Ron Zeitz & Will Smith
I don’t have much to say about Ron & Bill. They liked sweating through blue shirts, Bill didn’t know how to dance, and had fun with Phil when they were eliminated.
Ron received very little airtime in contrast to Bill. None of the other teams ever talked about them, and they were never shown interacting with the other teams.
They just wanted a fun adventure as a couple. Unfortunately, their lack of hustle kept them on the bottom after their initial arrival at LAX. In fact, LAX is a great way to describe how they ran the race.
They were somehow eliminated before other teams who almost always struggled this season.
Below is a list of all teams from seasons I have blogged to date, ranked by racing average.
e.g. Don & Mary Jean finished 9th, 8th, 8th, 8th, and 8th. Add up the numbers and divide it by the number of legs they have played.
Therefore their average is 8.2.
Because of how long this list has become, I only show the relevant section where the eliminated team from this episode has fallen amongst the ranks of what TAR history has to offer.
Bullshit Round One/Starting Line Eliminations That Do Not Count
Eric & Lisa N/A
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A
— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0 TAR 4
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0 TAR 3
11th Ron & Tony 11.0 TAR 17
11th Adrian & Dana 11.0 TAR 16
11th Preston & Jennifer 11.0 TAR 14
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0 TAR 13
11th Ari & Staella 11.0 TAR 12
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0 TAR 11
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0 TAR 10
11th John & Scott 11.0 TAR 9
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0 TAR 7
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0 TAR 6
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0 TAR 5
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0 TAR 2
11th Matt & Ana 11.0 TAR 1
10th Edwin & Monica 10.0 Only team to finish last for the first two rounds of the race TAR Asia 3
10th Yani & Nadine 10.0 Would have survived round two, but were marked for elimination and thus officially finished in last both rounds TAR Asia 4
10th Jody & Shannon 10.0 TAR Adventure 16
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0 TAR 9
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0 TAR 11
10th Neena & Amit 10.0 TAR Asia 3
10th A Black Family 10.0 TAR 8
— F +–
10th Andie & Jenna 9.5 TAR 17
10th Steve & Linda 9.5 TAR 14
10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????) TAR 13
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.) TAR 7
11th Ron & Bill 9.5 TAR 19
11th Garrett & Jessica 9.5 TAR 15
10th Kate & Pat 9.0 TAR 12
9th David & Mary TAR 11: All Stars 9.0 TAR 11
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0 May or may not be gutsy. TAR 2
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0 TAR 6
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF TAR 3
10th Anne-Marie & Tracy 8.67 TAR Australia 1
8th Mo & Mos 8.60 Saved by NEL once TAR Australia 1
10th Mel & Mike 8.33 Mel died. TAR 18
9th Marianna & Julia 8.33 TAR 12
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33 TAR 4
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2 Saved by NEL once TAR 6
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0 TAR 10
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0 TAR 1
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8 Yielded TAR 9
9th Jaime & Cara 7.8 U-Turned and Used U-Turn TAR 18
8th Marisa & Brooke 7.75 Sucked. TAR 13
7th Mika & Canaan 7.67 Why the heck did they sign up? TAR 15
9th Marcy & Ron 7.67 Bald. TAR 15
9th Isaac & William 7.5 TAR Asia 3
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33 TAR 5
9th Richard & Joey 7.25 U-Turned once TAR Australia 1
9th Alan & Wendy 7.25 Saved by NEL once TAR Asia 4
8th Manas & Sahil 7.0 TAR Asia 4
8th Singaporean Sophie & French Born Aurelia 7.0 (French Born Aurelia sadly does not know the English words for ‘team averages’. :/) TAR Asia 2
8th Aiello Family 7.0 TAR 8
8th Tom & Terry 7.0 TAR 10
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0 R.I.P. Margaretta TAR 1
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0 Producers refused to hay bail them. TAR 6
9th Kaylani & Lisa 7.0 Hazarded. Saved by Ryan Storms ™. TAR 19
10th Hope & Norm 7.0 TAR 2
10th Ethan & Jenna 7.0 TAR 19. Double Eliminated.
11th Ryot & Liberty 7.0 TAR Australia 1
7th Christie & Jodi 6.67 Saved by NEL TAR 14
9th Brad & Victoria 6.67 TAR 14
7th Niroo & Kapil 6.75 TAR Asia 3
7th Alana & Mel 6.67 TAR Australia 1
6th Maria & Tiffany 6.57 Saved by NEL once and Justin’s blunder again TAR 15
9th Rogers Family 6.5 R.I.P. Renee. TAR 8
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5 TAR 7
11th Amanda & Kris 6.5 TAR 18 Automatic U-Turned.
6th Henry & Terri 6.44 Used Their Yield; Saved by a non-elimination round THREE times. R.I.P. Henry. TAR Asia 2
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43 Saved by NEL once TAR 1
8th Margie & Luke 6.4 TAR 18
9th Brett & Kinar 6.33 Rocky finish. TAR Asia 2
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 6.33 TAR Asia 1
8th Pailin & Natalie 6.33 TAR Asia 3
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25 TAR 9
7th Aja & Cabbie 6.2 TAR 13
7th Paul & Amie 6.2 TAR 1
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF TAR 4