Funniest Casual Fan Complaints Amazing Race Canada Episode 2

Much like the diverse nature of Canada, we get a little a bit of everything when it comes to complaints this week.

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The new TARC correspondent for CTV is slowly Duthie’ing herself more and more. And yes, yes he did.

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Holy smokes? Holy smokes?

smokes

Holy smokes? Holy smokes?

I don’t know too much about Fort McMurray, but I don’t recall much of a KKK community there that does those types of rituals.

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Get out.

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fubar.jpg

Eh, those guys have to make money somehow after being broke for the past five years! If your sack is only at fifty percent, then you gotta have the deep pockets!

 

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Dammit, that was my joke.

duck hunt dog

 

Warning to all dogs: Do not laugh at Adam when he walks by. He is still recovering after being beaten by his sister at real life Duck Hunt.

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cheesecake.jpg

If you’re a true Canadian and you love Mixed Martial Arts, then everybody wants some “Cheesecake” in the morning. Am I right?

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Because hashtags are fucking pointless and reduce teams down to one-dimensional characters.

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I can’t tell if that’s excitement or disappointment judging by your tone.

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Kenneth & Ryan can handle that type of label.

swayze.jpg

But don’t call them Patrick Swayze.

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So true, my friend.

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Eh, but the less footage of Express Passes, the happier all of us are in the end.

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the temptations.jpg

. . .A Temptation isn’t Canadian.

kevin.jpg

“The Temptations are a famous doo-wop group from the 50s and 60.”

Thanks, Kevin. Please explain that to Dan & Riya.

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Oh c’mon. The Canadian national anthem is an old song. Like seriously, who goes into their car turns on their iPod Player and blasts the Canadian national anthem?

Dan may not know the lyrics to the Canadian national anthem, but he probably knows all of the lyrics to My Humps by the Black Eyed Peas.

my humps

And Black Eyed Peas are kind of Canadian. How many of you know the lyrics to My Humps? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

classified

The closest anybody has come to making the Canadian national anthem sound cool is Classified’s Maritimes.

In fact, the first song -I- memorized was Dr. Dre’s Ain’t Nuthin But a G Thang. I once had a top ten score in the video game Def Jam Rapstar because of my rapping abilities with Ain’t Nuthin But a G Thang.

Now, I have been busy with TAR Canada, but I do think I can do the lyrics right here.

snoop dogg

And I’m the Teal Deal Holyfield

Now you hookers and hose know how I feel

So if it’s good enough I’ll take an Express Pass

Of some of that funky stuff

dr dre.jpg

When I get on the mic

It’s like a cheesecake

They all crumble

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dafuq?

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In other words, High River won’t be featured on The Amazing Race Canada.

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Do you. . .do you know what you’re saying?

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To my knowledge, Dan is not a YouTube clown.

.

.

.

Mainly because clowns can be kinda funny.

Also, you two are one of the reasons why I hate TARC casual fans. You do know that the “Make Canada Proud” bit is something Monty made up to differentiate himself from Phil Keoghan, and that your neighbours aren’t going to give you a fucking cookie or a fucking slice of cheesecake just because you knew the national anthem and Dan didn’t.

Are you proud of yourself or something?

 

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Kurt, I think that was the plan all along.

Shelley, nobody cares you’re from Castlegar. Not even the people from Castlegar care they are from Castlegar.

Kim, shut up.

There. Three complaints down. Just. Like. That.

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Yeah, I am so surprised Kenneth & Ryan’s brains don’t move as fast as the rest of us. What a twist! M. Night Shyamalan couldn’t even come up with that plot turn!

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water

Leonard is so wet from watching Meghan do math that his junk alone could have put out the blaze in Fort Mac.

christina

Or just join the Christina Aguilera Brigade circa 2003.

rihanna.jpg

“When I’m around you looking at algebra textbooks, I get wild thoughts!”

 

wild thoughts.jpg

“I’ve heard the seats in that lower level math course is all taken

I hear the upper level class is making students going crazy

Throw that apple bottom back like Sir Isaac Newton, bouquet

You’re talking through this problem like you’re Jay-Z

Girl, you’re talking like you’re trying to do things

Now she’s running through this equation like Usain, baby

She’s carrying the water in that hose like she’s Bobby Boucher, baby

You know you’re gonna slaughter that triangle like you’re Paschal,

Must be why you’re using osmosis to get it back to safety

White girl wasted on quadratics

Like an asymptote, I probably shouldn’t be touching you

Because when you dive into that textbook all I get is wild thoughts!”

 

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Because Mike Bickerton rigged it to ensure my predictions were wrong for this week.

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Could editors have edited out the two times Andrea & Ebonie said the words “the savage thing”? Let me ask an expert on this topic.

savage

OHHHHH YEAHHHHH!

Thanks, Randy.

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Out of all of the things people dislike Dan for, -this- is what people attach to? Man, I can’t believe I am saying these words, but the casual fans are being so unfair to Dan.

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Sing the anthem? Sing the national anthem?

manila-eric-rona-2

Couldn’t they just sing about ducks instead?

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Phew. We are able to distract ourselves with 69 jokes. The cure for Internet outrage over what could be construed as anti-Canadian behaviour!

canada complaints 2 18

Hanoi Jane? It’s time for me to do some Google research, isn’t it?

.

.

.

Oh boy. We can’t seem to get away from Vietnam as a topic on The Amazing Race, eh? TAR Canada 4, TAR 29, TAR Asia 5, and TAR China 4 all in a row isn’t enough, eh?

canada complaints 2 17

fire.jpg

Nice try.

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Kurt, stick to your fucking superfan recaps. There. I just gave you free publicity. Wayne and Gord aren’t the only ones.

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the good son.jpg

Eh, it’s unique for some people.

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Actually, TAR Canada 4 is the only Canadian season to have a NEL. In fact, TARC 4 is perhaps the ONLY season on the planet that has had a NEL in episode two.

kelly kate

Consider yourselves very very lucky!

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Who? Me? Couldn’t be!

canada complaints 2 12canada complaints 2 11canada complaints 2 10

aid.jpg

You guys don’t do basic research, eh?

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Holy crap. You need to have your computer taken away from you. Like, yesterday. O Canada!

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Alberta Strong! Northern Strong!

lance armstrong

Lance Armstrong!

stretch armstrong.jpg

Stretch Armstrong!

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Yeah. Do you have a time machine to lend to Lysakowski, per chance?

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You know, after the whole mosque comment, Give’R doesn’t seem so bad anymore.

canada complaints 2 5

I don’t even know what sport you’re talking about.

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You don’t like “Northern Strong”? Then get the fuck out of our country! Learn the Canadian anthem with Dan before you two come back!

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Okaaaaay. Patriotism when it’s over-the-top, ladies and gentlemen.

k'naan.jpg

“I go to every comments section and post pictures of a wavin’ flag! A wavin’ flag!”

Thanks, K’Naan.

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sam and paul

So you’re proposing a challenge where teams have to enter an area with an uncontrolled blaze for an indefinite period of time? The idea of Sam being burned alive is one way for him to get airtime and intrigue the audience.

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So Dylan and Maggie. . .you guys just didn’t want to understand Mark’s point, eh? I don’t get it.

Do you want an Amazing Race Canada: Firefighting Tour where they have eleven episodes film in eleven cities that have been ravaged by the worst fires in our nation’s history? Because, man, if people thought season five was gonna be the worst yet. . .

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This sounds like a conversation you two could have had in DM.

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So you clearly didn’t watch TAR 29, eh? And guess what Americans think about TAR Canada?

holland maria tiffany 9

“What? There’s a TAR Canada? Seriously?”

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dj khaled 1.jpg

“FORT MAC! WE DAAAAA BEST!”

Man, Fort McMurray residents are in full on DJ Khaled mode.

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You find those “What Would You Do” voting result boxes annoying, eh?

Dear Producers, please put the following in your next “What Would You Do?” box–

city high what would you do

a) If someone was at home crying all alone on the bedroom floor cause he’s hungry

b) And the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money

c) And his daddy is gone!

d) So we’re smoking pot now, in and out of lockdown–I ain’t got a job now!

e) So for you this is just a good time but for me this is what I call life! LISTEN!

NOTE: City High’s What Would You Do is the second song I learned the lyrics to after Dr. Dre’s Ain’t Nuthin But a G Thang. It’s a very easy song to memorize. Wyclef Jean produced a good beat. Too bad Claudette Ortiz broke up the band.

 

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I would like to believe Kay would be a fan of this blog.

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I love this exchange.

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BJ & Tyler?

bj tyler san fran 5

My favourite winners ever. Women wanna be with them and guys like Kenneth & Ryan try too hard to be them.

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I am curious what the first two programs were. And trust me, the show isn’t gaining any monies. CTV’s studios are located in my uncle’s basement that he rents out to artists in need.

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lol

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Meagan says that people who don’t have anything nice to say shouldn’t say anything at all, and hates teams who “whine” or “complain”.

Something tells me she would not be a fan of this blog.

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I guess Kenneth & Ryan need to find sympathy somewhere. It’s what the casuals are for!

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Kenneth & Ryan aren’t fake and phony? Kenneth & Ryan aren’t fake and phony? KENNETH & RYAN AREN’T FAKE OR PHONY?!

Their catchphrase is stolen from an independent film in Alberta and they utter it to the point that we don’t even know what the real them is anymore.

realphony

We’re thinking of the same words, right? I posted dictionary entries for you. I hope this helps.

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In an unaired scene, firefighters had to scramble and slap away a fire on Ebonie’s sleeve and forced her to stop, drop, and roll. She was laughing hysterically the whole time.

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We already had a RCMP episode in TAR Canada, Kirsten.

clue

I remember it well because this guy still gives me nightmares at night.

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Sounds like this person is all fired up over the provincial election.

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So much for drawing in new millennial viewers.

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What?

canada complaints 2 26

I think Isabelle’s thought process is incomplete. So we’re just going to invent more arbitrary rules regarding penalties now, eh?

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I was proud of myself for that one.

durant.jpg

I’m da real MVP.

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Yeah, but then we don’t get any dark comedy. And dark comedy always wins.

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I hear all Mark Lysakowski did was surf YouTube a few hours, then walked over to a couple of taco stands in Toronto and Vancouver to pick all of his teams.

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Yeah. Get the fucking hint guys and secede from Canada already. I mean, you guys have so much money in the growing oil industry and its soaring prices that you can sustain yourself–oh wait.

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Chris is gonna Chris.

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Chris is always gonna Chris.

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The Chris that keeps on Chris’ing.

Alright, that wraps it up for this week. If you like my Funniest Complaints, TARstorian, and Predictions/Editing Analysis blog then you’ll probably like the weekly TAR recap podcast I co-host each week. You can find the podcast here. Or here.

Oh, and my plan to take over the world continues as I did recaps of Survivor NZ for RHAP over the past month. I’m the fucking best. Everybody loves me.

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