The Amazing Race Australia 1 Episode 5 Rankings

Episode Blog #278

Fifth episode

“Daddy Never Spanked You When He Should Have”

COUNTRIES VISITED

INDONESIA – VIETNAM – CHINA – SOUTH AFRICA – THE NETHERLANDS – CZECH REPUBLIC – POLAND – ISRAEL – SRI LANKA – SINGAPORE – AUSTRALIA

Wow. Over five years of the TARstorian is behind us. It has been five months since my last TARstorian entry due to backpacking across Europe and Cuba, and getting settled into the TAR community while TAR 29 airs on TV. Let’s kick off year six with a bang as we head into the fifth episode of TAR Australia 1–

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“Hey Logan, can you wait before you start writing about this episode?”

Um, no Chris. I don’t see any reason to wait any more. It has already been five months. I am not much for unnecessary preamble, and wish to dive right into it.

Previously on TAR: Nine teams raced from–

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“I SAID ‘WAIT SIX MONTHS!’ AND I MEANT IT!”

Jesus Christ, Chris. Chill.

Previously on TAR: Nine teams raced from China to South Africa where Tyler & Nathan kept entrepreneurs Richard & Joey at the back of the pack. For the third time, friends Mo & Mos held on to escape elimination and it was a devastating goodbye for Richard & Joey.

Tonight, tensions between young couple Chris & Anastasia push them over the edge. On the toughest leg yet, one challenge will stop every team in their tracks. Eight teams remain; who will be eliminated next?

– Intro time.

– Grant introduces us to the elephant park.

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Just think that in two seasons he’ll be hanging out with cheetahs.

– Grant reminds us that Matt & Tom and Tyler & Nathan, who arrived together in a comedic crash at 4:09pm, will depart at 4:09am.

Did I mention how much I love TAR Australia sticking to the twelve hour tradition?

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You guys are ridiculous.

– Matt & Tom open their clue seconds before Tyler & Nathan.

– Remember that the only location in all of Africa that TAR Asia has visited is Cape Town. Because we have already spent a round in South Africa, and all cape matt tom

“Fly to Cape Town, South Africa.”

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Jesus Christ.

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If you squint hard enough, you can see Rovilson at the lighthouse.

– Once here, they must make their way to Dolphin Beach to receive their next clue.

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Dolphin Beach sounds like the name of a track in Mario Kart 9.

– Matt wonders if the airport will be open this early in the morning. They comment on the rivalry with Tyler & Nathan.

MATT: It’s more exciting to have a cat-and-mouse game all the way to the finish.

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If only your team was named Jerry & Tom rather than Matt & Tom.

– Tyler & Nathan and Matt & Tom show up at the airport together. The counters are closed.

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“Why couldn’t we depart ten minutes later at 4:20?”

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Is it just me or do the lights in the airport seem extremely bright?

– Tyler says the cowboys are becoming too good at the race.

TYLER: We know they don’t just round up sheep.

That is the only thing Tyler has learned about Matt & Tom after four rounds of play.

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I love how regardless if it is 4:00am or 4:00pm, Tyler & Nathan’s hair always looks like they have just rolled out of bed.

– Matt & Tom and Tyler & Nathan check the board for domestic flights.

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Wow, Jo’Burg really is a big airport. Why has TAR US never done a full round in Johannesburg? They connect through the city in nearly every season with an African leg.

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Nathan utters the phrase which the leading team always says at the start of each episode. Yes Nathan, contemporary TAR is going to have an equalizer in nearly every leg possible.

– The cohesive Chris & Anastasia depart third at 4:26am.

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Some people play footsie, but Chris & Anastasia play handsie. So adorable!

– What is the first quote of this episode by Chris & Anastasia?

CHRIS: You just tell me what to do.

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That’s right, Anastasia. You tell Chris what to do this round and everything will work out fine.

– The mood changes in one second.

CHRIS: What’s the area called again? Helloooo? This way you saying?

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“Uh. . .”

ANASTASIA: Back. Behind us.

CHRIS: I can’t see you!

ANASTASIA: Behind us.

– We cut to a confessional.

CHRIS: We probably shouldn’t be fighting, but we tend to get like that pretty quickly and that could be our downfall. She has her own head about things, I have my head about things.

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I think Anastasia is visualizing crushing somebody’s head right now.

CHRIS: One of us or both of us has to come to realize that maybe we should talk to each other.

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By ‘one of us’, Chris may or may not be hinting that Anastasia is the culprit.

ANASTASIA: Yeah, we both have to realize that any one of us is allowed to use our heads even though we both have heads.

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Chris’ rebuttal?

CHRIS: I don’t know what the hell that means, mate.

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They communicate well.

In all seriousness though, Anastasia’s remark doesn’t make much sense if you include the second half of her statement. She is essentially saying “both of us are allowed to offer an opinion even though we both have an opinion”.

– Why are you two together, anyway?

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“Uhhhhh, I don’t know chief.”

– Jeff & Luke start in fourth at 4:36am. It’s the perfect transition.

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LUKE: We’ve both been communicating with each other quite well, I believe. We’re both on the same page now. Early on we might have been definitely seen as an older team that maybe wasn’t as serious competitors.

JEFF: The Old Man and The Son.

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I never noticed Luke’s tattoo before. Initially I thought it said “THICK”, but I think it really says “Tyler”. I presume that is the name of his son. That is cool because my brother-in-law has the tattoo of the name of his father and said, “what’s the point of getting a tattoo of a loved one’s name when they are dead? May as well get it when they are alive so they can see it.”

– Luke says they have been consistent enough to be taken seriously.

As competitors? Yes.

As entertaining characters on a TV program? No.

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Although in this case, their contrast to Chris & Anastasia is hilarious.

– Sam & Renae depart at 5:03am.

RENAE: People look at us and think we’re models, but we’re still a strong team.

Oh my word. This is five episodes in a row of editors going out of their way to air a confessional where Sam & Renae say “we are not -just- models”.

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Here Sam is sporting a top of the line 1997 Koala brand black sweater, and Renae is showing off a red sweater by Dingo Versace.

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And here Sam is showing off a dog tag in the newest accessory line by Captain Randall.

Remember: Editors are reminding you that Sam & Renae are not just gorgeous models. There is more to their race than that.

– Sam & Renae approach the ticket counter as Renae auditions for The Veronicas or Atomic Kitten.

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SAM: What’s your name?

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SAM: Flirting has been a little bit of a strategy. Have fun, it’s the best thing to do.

Aaaaaand every middle-aged female viewer officially hates Sam & Renae. As soon as a younger female team tells us that flirting will be a strategy, they instantly become the most unpopular team of the season.

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Renae tries her best to get the attention of the ticketing agent, but he is too focused on printing your ticket to quickly get back to World of Warcraft. It’s five in the morning. His bosses aren’t watching.

SAM: Wesley. Do you get called Wes?

WES(LEY): Yyyeah.

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You’re going to have to try a bit harder, Sam.

– She leans over the counter.

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And it works.

SAM: Thank you, gorgeous.

TYLER: Geeez.

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Boo-urns.

SAM: That’s how it’s done.

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I think even Donald Trump and Jonathan & Victoria would be more popular amongst women than Sam & Renae during this scene.

SAM: Yeah, it pays off being a chick.

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Even Renae thinks Sam should reel it in a little. And she’s the one copying the outfit of the flirtatious woman from the Rolo Chocolate Cone commercial in the early 2000s.

– The top five teams all book the same flight.

– Dave & Kelly commence in sixth at 5:32am.

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Huh. Dave owns a toque.

DAVE: We’ve sorta decided that I’m going to do all of the really easy cool things, and Kell is going to do all of the hard thinkin’ stuff. Works better for me.

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This is going to be a fun experience for Kelly.

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Kelly is even in charge of figuring out which gate they need to go to for their flight.

– Alana & Mel are seventh to depart at 5:48am.

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Route Info: Take two minutes of silence to laugh at Richard & Joey being eliminated from the race.

– Mel is tired of being the older sister on the race. She wants to see Alana take initiative and take control.

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“I want her to step up and be the one who puts a finger in a goat’s ass.”

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ALANA: In a way I almost feel like I am an inconvenience cause she said ever since I was little “look, I love you because you’re my sister but I don’t like you.”

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“And I was five when she told me that.”

– Alana is in charge of directions (and definitely not in charge of driving) once again.

MEL: Please don’t get us lost.

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Things might not go well.

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MEL: I want you to get your frickin’ act together and work your stuff out!

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Alana does her best Bill Cosby impression while listening to Mel’s advice.

– Alana & Mel purchase their tickets.

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Take initiative, Alana. Push that motherfucker out of the way and get your boarding pass!

Also, who are those two moustached men on the poster behind her? Does anyone know?

– Mo & Mos are bringing up the rear as they are the last to depart at 5:54am. They finished the last leg only one hour and forty-five minutes behind the leaders.

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Unlike the round before that where they were over four hours behind the second-to-last place team.

– Mo says The Amazing Race is a beast that has been kind to them.

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A Non-Elimination Leg, Anne-Marie & Tracy taking a four hour penalty minutes after you did, and Richard & Joey getting U-Turned really is a string of miracles for Mo & Mos.

The easiest leg for them thus far is one where they had a thirty minute penalty upon entering the pit stop. No joke.

MO: If we were a Bond film, we would be Die Another Day.

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I. . .I can’t imagine Mos as a secret agent. Bond has all of these gadgets and tricky little guns with triggers.

The only trigger Mos has is asthma when he has exercise, and the only gadget is his inhaler.

But seriously, a slightly out-of-shape Muslim James Bond would make for a great film franchise. Move over Daniel Craig!

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The name’s El-Leissy. . .Mohammed El-Leissy.

MO: We just. . .we keep going.

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Until their credit card gets declined due to all of their flight costs around the world.

– For the second round in a row, everyone is on the same flight.

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What a beautiful day.

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Adrian is still trying to start his car upon arrival.

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Are those seals or penguins?

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Cape Town was formerly called Smurf City.

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Which one belongs to Majora?

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I wish I could dress like this every day.

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Every house is a different colour? Neat.

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Alana & Mel aren’t feeling entirely sheepish when it comes to shopping at WoolWorld.

– Everyone scrambles into taxis.

MEL: If Alana does well today, I will finally love her. She is on Roadblock duty today, so. . .she freaks out normally. Let’s see if she can do it.

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“Ow, my ear hurts all of a sudden.”

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“Wait, my other ear hurts too. I’m on the DL, Mel.”

– Matt & Tom, Alana & Mel, Tyler & Nathan, and Jeff & Luke all make it to the Roadblock clue together.

ROADBLOCK HINT: Who’s up for a bird’s eye view of Cape Town?

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The weather is far better than that two-day rainstorm they put up with in TAR Asia 2.

– In this Roadblock, teams must drive to the Melkbosstrand Air Strip where one team member must complete a tandem skydive.

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Like a Melkboss.

– The skydive will be over nine thousand feet high.

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Over nine thousand?! There’s no way that can be right!

– Their team member must help and guide them to the landing zone using flares.

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Woo!

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‘X’ marks the spot.

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Hell no. ‘X’ spots the mark, Logan!

– Jeff, Matt, and Alana are doing the Roadblock. It isn’t revealed yet if Tyler

or Nathan are doing the Roadblock. It is also a mystery with Chris & Anastasia.

– Matt talks about tandem skydiving “over the sheila”. I have no idea what the hell that means. Apparently “sheila” is slang for a woman. That sentence still doesn’t make any sense.

MEL: Your first Roadblock is skydiving!

ALANA: Yeah. Right.

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“Can there be some more Zodiac signs?”

– Sam & Renae and Dave & Kelly get to the Roadblock. Sam and Dave are doing it.

– Who is strolling in dead last all along the beach?

.

.

.

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“Where is everyone?”

MO: It was such a big beach we didn’t know where to stop. And we got out to go a whole kilometre.

MOS: A mile.

MO: It was a huge mistake. We had to walk or run a whole mile back. That wasted a lot of valuable time.

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Man, you guys sure love to run.

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“What a nice day, Mos. Should we build an Aladdin sand castle?”

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The clue is so far down the beach that it is probably in Namibia!

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MOS: Running in the sand is going to kill us!

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Mo & Mos have a tough time walking on sand, and decide to backtrack to the sidewalk to find their clue.

– The first four teams make it to the skydiving site.

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But first, Matt needs a stick of gum to calm his nerves.

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Tyler strips down to a muscle shirt and is good to go.

– Tyler is told the free fall lasts for about thirty seconds.

TYLER: Aw, shit!

That would be my reaction too.

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Matt has awful hat hair.

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Anastasia is like a Bond girl right now ready to skydive into the heart of Cuba.

– Tom, Nathan, and Chris are holding up flares.

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“We don’t have flares where I live.”

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Chris finds any excuse to show off his biceps.

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It is like they are doing Rhythmic Gymnastics right now.

– Matt is doing the Roadblock because Tom has done three while he has only done one.

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I didn’t know his instructor was Canadian.

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You might be wondering “why is there a third person jumping with them?”

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Well, he gets the fun job of obtaining footage while freefalling at the same time.

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Rock on, Tyler. Rock on.

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Anastasia finds a partner she actually likes.

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She is probably the least fearful of anybody to do this Roadblock.

MATT: Nine thousand feet at two hundred K per hour is a pretty good feeling. Even better than when the chute opened.

TYLER: That was just like surfing a fifteen foot wave. It was ridiculous.

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Yeah. Just add nine thousand feet, and it is pretty much the same thing.

– Mo wishes he didn’t find the clue box because it is a skydiving challenge.

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And thanks to the Big Easy Weight Restriction rule, I have a feeling Mo may be forced to do this.

– Mos confirms the weight restriction for us. Mo is just under the maximum weight.

MO: I am absolutely soiling myself right now.

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I don’t think he is joking.

– Matt lands near the ‘X’, and thanks his instructor for pulling the chute.

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Perfect form upon landing.

– Matt & Tom read they must drive themselves to Nobel Square in Cape Town City Centre at the V & A Waterfront.

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zangief wins

Nobel Square, of course, is most known for a Lego statue of Zangief from Street Fighter II. How the hell has he been relevant two weeks in a row?

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But wait, Grant has a surprise for us.

GRANT: All teams will now face an Intersection, and must mutually agree to join forces with another team and make decisions and perform all tasks together until further notice.

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Will the Intersection suck as much balls as it did in TAR 10, 11*, and 16 though?

* Okay, the Intersection in TAR 11 was hilarious. The food eating challenge where Charla & Mirna and Dustin & Kandice had to team up is one of the most memorable moments in TAR history. Miss California, ladies and gentlemen!

The final time we see the Intersection in TAR US is in TAR 16 where teams just had to find the Roadblock location and do a bungee jump at night. I am not kidding you. That was it, and added nothing to the season since only two out of the four players had to work together.

I have said before the Intersection is the most under-utilized twist in TAR US. Let’s see how the Aussies do.

– Tyler is second to complete the Roadblock. He says the task was messed up. Chris watches Anastasia land.

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This will be the last time Chris cheers on Anastasia.

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This is the last time they will kiss all season.

– Jeff and Dave gear up and board the plane.

ALANA: Even though it’s skydiving and I hate heights, I hate more how Mel keeps throwing it in my face that she has done all of the Roadblocks. Now I can be like “well, I threw myself out of a plane. Shut the hell up.”

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You know what would be a great twist? If Mel is thrown out of the plane too and the entire time she shouts “YOU HAVE DONE ONLY ONE ROADBLOCK SO FAR!” just to make it Alana’s worst nightmare.

ALANA: No need to rush. Take your time.

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Alana just got burned by the skydiving instructor.

MEL: She’s negative. She stresses out. I really want Alana to step it up.

– Jeff jumps out of the plane while Luke guides him with the flare. I don’t know if that flare really impacts this task.

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Luke is ready to fight Yoda in a light sabre duel.

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And you thought only Mo would soil himself.

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“And after this task, Jeff will be posed in this awkward stance.”

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Luke ditched the flare. How will Jeff know where to land?!

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If this were Hamerotz LaMillion, Jeff would have to be carried around like this for an entire leg. It is a preview for what his life will be like when he is ninety.

“But I want a Kit-Kat!”

“You can’t have a Kit-Kat, Jeff. Your teeth can’t handle it as well as your diabetes! Now take a nap in this thing while we get you home.”

LUKE: The oldest person in the field just keeps stepping off the edge.

JEFF: Literally stepping off the edge.

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Simmer down, Luke. Jeff is probably sixty at the most. It is not like he is Mel White from TAR 14 where he is approaching his deathbed throughout the race.

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Whatever Roadblock Luke does next, it will not be quite as thrilling.

NOTE: I really really really wish Anne-Marie & Tracy could have both South Africa Roadblocks. Oh well.

– Jeff & Luke complete the Roadblock in fourth place.

– Dave gets geared up.

INSTRUCTOR: Just relax.

DAVE: “Relax.” Dunno how that is going to happen today. Never been so anxious to race to my death.

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Dave is so anxious that even his chin is about to go bald.

– Sam & Renae enter the hangar.

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Renae’s silhouette is like a Bond movie intro. I guess it is fitting since she is about to jump out of a plane.

– Renae starts freaking out about this task.

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Those nails aren’t going to chew themselves.

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Meanwhile, Sam takes the opportunity to style up her hair.

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And judging by this confessional, it was a success.

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Renae quickly fits in one rendition of “God Save the Queen,” and we will be ready for take-off.

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“Pull yourself together, Renae!”

SAM: I do this every day.

Liar.

SAM: You’ll be fine! I love yewwww!

Oh, that Aussie accent. Hilarious.

SAM: Renae will be fine. She is going to smash it.

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That guy proceeds to check out Sam.

“I want to tandem skydive with her.”

Well, I am sufficiently creeped out.

MEL: I would be very surprised if I see her come down because I don’t think she can do it, but I’ll be so proud if she can. Honestly, it feels like I have been holding this team ninety percent and she has been holding this team ten percent.

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“Why didn’t I do the Zodiac or the Vietnamese coin Roadblock?”

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Alana nearly gets her eyes poked out.

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“Maybe I should become a skydiving instructor.”

MEL: She needs to prove a lot. If she doesn’t do this, I don’t know how we’re gonna recover.

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“Oh shit! Thanks for reminding me, Alana! I completely forgot to make sure we were securely tightened! Alanaaaaaaaaaa.”

– Commercial break. Will it be the first time where somebody quits on a skydiving task, or will it be the millionth time where a commercial break misleads us into thinking somebody will forfeit the race?

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Oh, it’s answered within two seconds. Her screams sound like baby aliens or baby dragons busting from their eggs in a horror film. Hilarious, really.

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“But Hagrid, we can’t keep her!”

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Welcome to the world of Roadblocks, Alana.

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Mel’s tone completely changes. She will not be disowning her sister after all.

– Alana lands on the ground.

ALANA: I feel like I am going to throw up.

MEL: Usually I see her always freak out. This is the first time I have seen her not freak out, and I am proud of her for that.

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She looks like she is going to throw up too.

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I think she did freak out, Mel. Did you hear her screaming? I believe Alana did the task while ninety-nine percent of her mind and body was yelling “NOOOOO!”

MEL: You jumped out of a plane. I am so proud of you.

ALANA: Never again.

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And she means it.

DAVE: I was white as a sheet; I was absolutely packing it.

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He was “packing it”? Dave truly is the king of teaching me Aussie slang.

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Hey, we can see the camera operator’s feet!

DAVE: Jesus Christ Almighty!

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I never thought that the guy who currently looks like Santa Claus having a stroke would be the type to say the Lord’s name in vain.

DAVE: I felt like a chicken wishbone!

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Sigh. More terminology for me to Google.

– Dave makes it back to the ground and pretends to cry.

DAVE: I don’t understand why I was ever scared of it.

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At least one of them enjoyed the skydive.

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Dave has never felt any younger. . .or older. I am not sure of which at the moment.

– Mo & Mos enter the hangar in last place.

MOS: Are you feeling alright?

(MO shakes head.)

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“I really wish Mos had gone on a diet before the race.”

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“I am really glad I did not go on a diet before the race.”

– Dave passes by Mo.

DAVE: THAT was the biggest rush I’ve ever had in my life, mate!

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MO (groans): I don’t like rushes.

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“I don’t even like the band Rush.”

– Mos continues to encourage him.

MO: I have to go to the toilet again.

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When you are in last, you’re going to have to hold it, Mo. Only the skydiving instructor will have to suffer if anything goes wrong in the air.

– Mos tells him he can’t, but Mo insists he will be defecating in his pants. Mo has no choice but to remove his gear.

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The walk of shame.

– Renae explains she entered the race to conquer her fear of heights.

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And Sam just wanted to play with glowsticks.

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Renae picked the right task for conquering a fear of heights. The only way it gets higher than this is if she parachutes from the moon.

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It is surprising that a front-running team at the beginning is now barely ahead of Mo & Mos.

RENAE: I actually want to do it again.

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I think Mo will be more than happy if you do the Roadblock for him.

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For the second round in a row, Mo & Mos check up on each other in the bathroom.

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They’re probably talking about how the heck they are still in this race.

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Spoiler Alert: Mo’s reaction is not “yaaaaay”.

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Mos gives Mo one last pat on the shoulder.

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And this is the part where Mo must conquer this alone.

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Welcome back, formerly irrelevant friend.

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Are those the exact same orange pants that teams from The Amazing Race 2 wore when they were in South Africa?

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“Wait for another team? Are we Yielded or something?”

– Matt & Tom find themselves bored.

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Tom learns a new dance in case he is ever picked for TAR Canada.

MATT: I had a bit of a dance with them. Had a bit of a boogie. Haven’t lost my style.

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Matt misses out on a high five.

– Matt & Tom sit down as Chris & Anastasia emerge.

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Anastasia has her hands up in the air as if she crossed the finish line at a marathon in first place.

TOM: Now is the time to team up and make a difference.

Here we go. A charity task.

GRANT: In this Intersection, teams must travel to Kargo Warehouse and work together to hitch and load a trailer with gifts for the Intyatyambo Orphanage.

NOTE: Yambo means dragonfly.

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Kargo: Seeking the most positive single sponsoured appearance in TAR history.

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Man, that one kid is REALLY pissed. He probably expected eight trailers full of toys because there are eight teams in the race. Who knew production would rip him off by making this the first task in several international seasons where it was an Intersection.

It just goes to show you that orphanages get screwed over as always.

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Youngest clue giver ever?

– Tyler & Nathan pass by Chris & Anastasia and Matt & Tom. Chris gives them the bad news.

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“We have to wait?”

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“Dance? Nah, I’m just going to show off my armpits.”

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Luckily there is no weight limit on operating a flare.

– Mo is in the plane.

MO: I was kicking and screaming, and pushing the guy having a massive fit. But can I just say you have to be in that situation before you can judge me.

Eh, the casual audience never hesitates to judge.

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“Don’t judge.”

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Your legs are already dangling outside of the plane, Mo. It might be too late.

– Commercial break. Will it be the first time where somebody quits on a skydiving task, or will it be the millionth time where a commercial break misleads us into thinking somebody will forfeit the race?

MO: If I can walk away from the race having faced my greatest fear ever, then that’s a pretty cool thing. Bring it on world.

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Yeah, he is not forfeiting.

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“USING THE TOILET BEFOREHAND DIDN’T CHANGE ANYTHING!”

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Meanwhile, Mos is fine with not facing his greatest fear ever on the race.

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It’s all good.

– Mo says it is one of the best things he has ever done. Mos has the utmost respect for him.

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Mos runs in a personal record setting pace to see Mo.

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Mos! The parachute!

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Somebody help Mos!

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Who knew the guy NOT skydiving from five thousand feet would face the greatest danger in this task.

MOS: No more fear.

MO: No more fear.

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The only thing they have left to fear is being eliminated this round.

MOS: If he did it, I was going to give him a kiss, and I was thinking about it but I didn’t give him a kiss at the time. So I’m going to give him a kiss now.

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MOS: There you go. There you go, he got the kiss.

MO: I got the kiss. That was my second greatest fear in life that he would kiss me.

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Mo will soon be invincible at this rate.

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Just wait until they find out it is an Intersection.

– Tyler & Nathan waited for over thirty minutes.

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Nathan uses the clue as a tambourine.

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Tyler whistles along.

– Jeff & Luke arrive and tell Tyler & Nathan to screw off and refuse to work with them.

.

.

.

Nah, just playin’. They team up.

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So much testosterone.

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And that will likely be the last we’ll see if Tyler & Nathan and Jeff & Luke in this Intersection.

– Matt & Tom start operating the back of the trailer.

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And Anastasia helped.

– Matt, Tom, and Chris gather bean bags. Matt grabs one.

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Chris proves he is a real man and grabs two.

ANASTASIA: Large bean bag.

CHRIS: Does it matter what colour?

ANASTASIA: Don’t ask silly questions.

CHRIS: Just asking. Just asking.

So much for “there is no such thing as a stupid question”.

– Matt tries to keep up with Matt’s strength by tossing a stool through the air.

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Good coordination, guys. And I suppose there is a trailer for each team after all.

– Tyler & Nathan see Chris & Anastasia and Matt & Tom drive away from the Kargo Port.

NATHAN: We saw the two teams bailing when we pulled up. It was like a genuine. . .

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A genuine what? A genuine jizz face? Nathan can’t even finish his sentence.

– Alana & Mel arrive at the Intersection. No one else is around.

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It could be a while, and nature is starting to call.

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What they don’t know is that Dave & Kelly are right around the corner.

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MEL: We thought we’d go off for a quick little twinkle while we wait.

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“I can’t see us losing any time with this bathroom break. It’s not like somebody is going to appear in the five minutes that we’re gone.”

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DAVE: Nooooo.

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KELLY: There was nobody nearby.

Man, they are going to be pissed that Alana & Mel, well. . .pissed.

– Alana & Mel run out of the building.

MEL: Dave! Kelly! We’re here! We ran to the toilet.

DAVE: WHAT!

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“IF YOU DO THAT AGAIN, MY FIST IS GOING TO INTERSECT WITH YOUR FACE!”

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MEL: Let that be a lesson. Adult nappies from now on.

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Hold it, Mel. Alana just completed her first Roadblock. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

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And besides, why wear adult nappies when you can use a Ziploc bag?

– Sam & Renae arrive at the Intersection in 7th place.

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Time for Renae to fix her hair.

SAM: Last team left is Mos & Mo.

RENAE: They are always the last team.

SAM: Means we’re going home unless we bust our bums with these boys.

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tolstoy

They probably have enough time to fit in a reading of War and Peace while they wait for Mos & Mo.

– Sam & Renae see Mos & Mo and cheer them on to run.

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Usain Bolt has nothing on Mos.

– Renae whips Mos into shape.

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Wow. Renae is harsher than Jillian Michaels.

MOS: Are we last?

RENAE: Yeah. We’re -all- last.

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I love how Renae emphasizes that she is included in the last place grouping.

“Yes Mos, -WE- are last,” as if she is forced by her parents to take her little brother to the movies or something.

– Much like Anne-Marie & Tracy, Mel is on the wrong side of the car park. Alana & Mel lose Dave & Kelly who go too far ahead.

MEL: They know not to go without us, right? It’s an Intersection. I’ll start honking.

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This is proving to be a disastrous pairing.

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Really disastrous.

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This is the Lake & Michelle Moment of Despair.

– Sam & Renae are lost (which also means Mos & Mo are lost). Renae hops out of the car and approaches a police vehicle.

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RENAE: Excuse me, can you please escort us to here? It’s really really important. Please please.

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“Please. We’re looking for a good time. Arem’t yew? We can be each other’s escort.”

RENAE (confessional): We were really desperate.

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No kidding.

– I had to re-listen to this clip several times because there is a really weird sound on the audio, but I finally clued in that there is a police dog in the backseat who is constantly barking at Renae. It is subtle, but Renae leans back a bit scared as the dog gets more aggressive.

RENAE: Please, can you show us where it is. Please. Can you just show us where it is, please? Please don’t make me get on my knees in the middle of the road. Please.

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on your knees

“On your knees!”

Luckily Coach from Survivor is not the police officer.

– We cut to a confessional from Mo & Mos.

MO: I guess we know how they have been winning the race so much.

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Eh, Mo just has to show the cops his man titties and I think he’d have the same results.

– The dog continues to bark before the cops cave in.

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Mission accomplished!

By the way, who knew a White woman in South Africa would get help from the police.

– Mo & Mos follow Sam & Renae and the cops.

MOS: This is amazing.

MO: I guess this is why the girls don’t need maps.

MOS: This is amazing.

back to the future

Where we are going Mo and Mos, we won’t need. . .maps!”

SAM: And that’s how it is done.

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Indeed. That’s how it is done. Not only did they get the cop to escort them, but I guarantee you every middle-aged woman watching from the couch officially hates them. If I know one thing about the reality TV audience, they absolutely hate any all-female team who may or may not emphasize their physical appearance to gain an advantage in the race.

– Dave & Kelly circle back to find Alana & Mel. They re-intersect.

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It ruins Mel’s break to do some stretches.

MEL: Dave is the man. I am half a man. Alana is a weakling. She is sick. So we’ve got a two-man team we’re working with.

ALANA: I can load a trailer.

– Dave & Kelly and Alana & Mel load up the trailer. Dave grabs the heavy objects.

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Such as this pizza box. The orphans need pizza, folks! Dave whips the pizza box onto the trailer.

– Eerie music plays as they enter the poor neighbourhood. A classic TAR South Africa trope.

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Khayelitsha. Also could be Langa Township from TAR 2 or Soweto from TAR 7.

– We get a handful of “How Do People Live Here” confessionals. Chris & Anastasia are particularly sad about it.

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It makes all of their arguments seem so petty. If they ever fight from now on, they’ll always talk it out. No screaming or shouting. No matter what.

– The kids cheer as random Australians enter their compound.

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This shot makes me uncomfortable.

– Chris & Anastasia and Matt & Tom deliver the toys and plastic bags. The plastic bag proves to be the most sought after item.

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A plastic bag?! Screw you soccer ball!”

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Hey! Look what I got, Jimmy!”

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That’s my plastic bag you son of a bitch!”

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Chris wins over his one fan at this point in the season.

– Chris suddenly starts violently shaking the kid because he jumped his turn with the plastic bag.

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I SAID WAIT! AND I MEANT IT!

Nah, just kidding. He innocently picked him up.

– Matt & Tom are emotional. Matt feels good about where he lives.

– Anastasia kisses one of the kids. All of the other kids line up for a kiss too.

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Sadly, Tom did not offer kisses of his own. He has no soul. These are orphans, Tom!

– Chris is holding the same kid.

CHRIS: Isn’t he beautiful? I want to take you home!

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That kid is probably better off staying in the orphanage than being raised by Chris & Anastasia together. Something tells me that household will not work out well.

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lion king

Behold! The Lion King!

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Since when did Chris become Asian?

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The crying and the “makes you appreciate what you can have” cliché moments are paused for now as the teams receive their next clue.

– Commercial break. We resume. The teams read the Intersection is over. Why do they not invest more into the Intersection twist? It would make things so much more interesting.

– It is a Detour. Guns or Rose. Some have claimed this is the best Detour pun of all time.

axl rose

He wants his royalties.

– Grant confirms the pun for the viewers back at home. In Guns, teams must drive to the Valley Gun Club and shoot nine moving clay targets before receiving their next clue.

In Rose, teams must collect an empty wine barrel and fill it with rose. Once the barrel is full, they will receive their next clue.

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TAR Australia needs to switch to HD for season two.

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This looks like a guy who loves guns.

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Oh, it’s rose with an accent at the end. Matt & Tom did not acknowledge the accent at the eend of the word. I am sure we will have a confessional about how they don’t have accents on words from where they live.

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This man has no idea what he is in for today.

– Tyler & Nathan and Jeff & Luke deliver the toys. Nathan is overwhelmed. Tyler hugs a child. They all pick up some of the kids. This is their bicep workout. Luke references his own son for the millionth time this season.

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We call this the “Ninety Year Old Man” hug.

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Jeff is determined to pick up every kid in the village.

– Jeff & Luke pick Guns. Tyler & Nathan ask what they chose. They opt to follow them to the gun range too.

– Dave & Kelly see Sam & Renae driving with their police escort.

DAVE: They’ve got a police bloody escort.

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DAVE: Excuse me! Can we get an escort?!

cape car

You’re a married man, Dave. You’re a married man.

– Dave pretends to cry as he proclaims it sucks.

– We get a shot of Renae unhinging the back of the trailer.

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We get it. Renae works with cars.

– Both teams refer to diapers as “nappies”. Oh the cultural differences.

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These nappies aren’t for the orphans. This is for Mo in case there is another skydiving challenge in the race.

– Mos explains how the women were urging him to move faster. Sam & Renae say it was easier for them to take charge.

– The trailer isn’t properly hitched for Mo & Mos.

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This Intersection continues to frustrate Sam & Renae.

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Mo & Mos can’t be doing this badly at everything in the leg, can they?

SAM: We do love them, but really frustrating. Not gonna lie.

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That love may go away if Mo & Mos breeze through the Detour after the Intersection is over.

SAM: They are not the sharpest tools in the shed. Which is fine. I am sure they have other fantastic qualities. I don’t think it’s hard to pack up a trailer, and rope it up and make it nice and tight.

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Note that Sam does not reference what Mo & Mos’ fantastic qualities happen to be.

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Hitching a trailer is not one of them.

– Alana & Mel and Dave & Kelly deliver the toys.

cape diaper

Who wants to make a diaper fort?

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I just want to touch their hair!”

– Dave tells one of the kids they are his hero. While being mobbed by the orphans, he chooses to go to Rose.

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Although announcing to a group of underaged orphans that you are going to help make wine may be a bad influence on them in the future. Also, good luck on breaking through that hug mob.

– Alana & Mel choose Rose because they want to follow Dave & Kelly. This Intersection isn’t over, unbeknownst to Dave & Kelly.

– Kelly jokes that Dave wanted to take one of the kids home.

cape dave kelly miller 9

And save that kid from Bambi and Muscles, I reckon.

– Matt is ready to shoot a gun for the first time in twenty days, and will be a relief to release that pent up frustration.

– Jeff & Luke and Tyler & Nathan are right behind them.

MATT: We’ve both been shooting since we are about four.

TOM: Yeah, we shot our first (????) since we were off the breast, really.

cape matt tom 6

In TAR 3, we learned most kids in European countries learn how to play soccer the minute they know how to walk. In Western Australia, replace soccer with clay pigeon shooting. As a Canadian, that makes me nervous.

– Tom lines up his first shot.

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Pull out and shoot, as Nelly would say.

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*miss*

That clay pigeon may as well be a giant middle finger.

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Leaving Western Australia has made you soft, Tom.

– Tom misses every target. Comical blunder music plays.

MATT: Tom, what are you doing mate? Pretty piss poor effort.

– Tom scores just one target.

– Nathan admits he has never shot a gun before, but hits four in his turn.

christa hastie

We call that beginner’s luck.

– Jeff guides and coaches Luke on how to use the gun. Luke scores three.

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Jeff in his director’s chair.

– Chris & Anastasia arrive at the Rose Detour. The clue says to roll the barrel up the hill.

cape chris anastasia 12

Roll?”

cape chris anastasia 13

Rolling is for pussies!”

cape chris anastasia 14

I am the fucking man.”

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For most of it, anyway.

– Anastasia is ready to fill up a bucket.

CHRIS: Can we pause before we start? There’s a pace.

ANASTASIA: There’s a what?

cape anastasia drimousis 6

Huh?”

CHRIS: There’s a pace I’d like to follow.

cape chris pselletes 5

The pace is that we pause for five minutes as we admire my ability to lift the barrel all by myself.”

ANASTASIA (confessional): To move things along, I’ll just turn it on and fill up one bucket so it’s at least ready.

cape anastasia drimousis 7

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The tap has more power than what Anastasia was anticipating. Who designed it?

tim taylor.png

Tim The Toolman Taylor? More power! Har har har.

CHRIS: Stas, turn it down.

ANASTASIA: I can’t.

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To beat or not to beat? That is the question. ‘Tis nobler. . .”

CHRIS (confessional): Just the fact she didn’t listen to me. That principle of just don’t open the tap. You know, and all that built up.

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Chris closes the tap, and they move past this minor error in judgment. They finish the leg with class.

charlie murphy

WRONG!

cape chris anastasia 18

Anastasia scampers away as Chris closes the tap.

CHRIS: Are you kidding me?

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Here comes the windup.

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CHRIS: I SAID WAIT!!!! AND I MEANT IT!!!!!

ANASTASIA: Don’t scream at me.

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Chris retreats.

– Remember how awkward their confessionals were at the start of the episode? Well, when talking about this incident, the awkwardness resumes.

CHRIS (confessional): Why do you when I say something and you ignore it?

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It’s like watching couple’s counseling.

ANASTASIA: You can do it all yourself. Don’t scream at me.

CHRIS: Fine.

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I know this is random, but Chris has REALLY good grip strength on that tap.

cape chris anastasia 23

CHRIS: At least where I come from, people, man or woman, listen to each other. If you said ‘wait’, I wouldn’t have turned that tap. The reason that tap flowed like that is not because you are an idiot–it’s karma. You don’t listen. You don’t want to work as a team.

– Anastasia’s response?

cape anastasia drimousis 9

A grin.

shii ann

Captain America with his sparkly white teeth. Lecture lecture lecture. Blah blah blah.”

Shii Ann didn’t like it either.

– The argument continues in the confessionals.

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ANASTASIA: He didn’t need to scream.

CHRIS: And after I screamed, did you just need to sit down and feel like it’s all over?

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I am amazed Anastasia is brave enough to stand in the line of fire of the wine.

CHRIS: I carried the barrel half a kilometre. You could talk to me and equally carry it!

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And here comes the winning quote. . .

CHRIS: Daddy never spanked you when he should have.

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And neither will you.”

– Commercial break. We resume Chris’ tirade.

CHRIS: Who do you think you are making proud? Who do you think you are making proud? Your parents? They’ll laugh at you. Who do you think you are making proud? Yourself?

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Chris needs to make a self-help audio book.

CHRIS: Who exactly are you benefiting by sitting there? You have to get up and say, “I am sorry for pushing you over the edge, and I’m meant to say ‘I am sorry for screaming at you’. There’s an order. You understand that? Order.

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I think the only ‘order’ in this relationship is that it is broken and ‘out of order’.

– Anastasia cries in a confessional.

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ANASTASIA: I’m not living in the 1920s!

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ANASTASIA: I am not going to say ‘Chris, I am now going to open the tap.’ I am going to open the tap, you can see me!

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And I am going to do The Robot in the process of doing so!”

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CHRIS: What’s the 20s gotta do with it? I would’ve told you that.

ANASTASIA: But you can see me–

CHRIS: I would’ve talked to you and said, ‘don’t you think I should do this instead?’

VIEWERS: Are they still together?

– Chris concludes his lecture.

CHRIS: When you are ready to work as a team, and put up with a bit of screaming. . .when you deserve it, by all means. If you can’t hack it, it’s your issue.

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What a great pep talk.

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Those hands have stayed frozen on her hips.

CHRIS: Pulled your combs when you’re willing to understand where you went wrong.

Ugh. Another Aussie expression. Chris’ way of getting Anastasia to apologize is not working well.

– The confessionals continue.

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ANASTASIA: I don’t understand what the point was of you screaming at me. I didn’t say how I was going against your back–

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I love Chris’ reaction.

ANASTASIA: I don’t understand how I was going against your back by opening a tap.

– We go back to Chris closing his lecture.

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CHRIS: If you can’t actually have the womanness or kindness to know where you went wrong, ‘hey babe, sorry for not listening, I pushed you to extremes today.’

ANASTASIA (confessional): Chris just kept on going and insulting me. So I was like, ‘you know what? If Chris wants to sit there and insult me, he can fill the buckets all by himself and fill up the barrels all day. If it takes him all day, so be it. I really don’t care.’

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THERAPIST: And Chris, how do you feel about what Anastasia just said?

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Somehow. . .

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. . .One person doing this Detour is still faster than Mo & Mos combined.

– We watch a shooting montage at the Guns Detour. Matt connects with four in a row.

– Luke brags about his elderly father.

LUKE: He can do everything. He can shoot stuff. He can climb things. He can jump out of things. He can drive things. There is not a lot he can’t cover.

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JEFF IS NOT THAT OLD!

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I don’t get why Jeff is being portrayed as this frail being who probably nicked a few of the nappies before he left the orphanage. The dude is in his late 40s or early 50s. I am so sick of this forced storyline. My dad is 66 and can do the same shit too.

– Watching six dudes fire guns is not as interesting as you think it would be. Tyler & Nathan are first to complete the Detour shortly followed by Jeff & Luke then Matt & Tom.

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I love the hair, though.

– They read that they must each ride quad bikes through twenty square kilometres of sand dunes around a marked course. There are fifteen baskets. Three contain their next clue while the other twelve contain various sizes of hourglasses. If they uncover an hourglass, they must wait for the sand to run out before they can continue racing.

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It is like a series of Mini Yields.

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Also known as the TAR Asia 2 Adrian & Collin memorial challenge.

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Look at all six of those dudes hanging out together at the top of the leaderboard. It is like seeing TAR Canada 3 play out all over again.

– Chris & Anastasia–er, I mean just Chris finishes the Detour. They receive their next clue.

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Congratulations! Here is your next clue and the business card of my sister-in-law who does couples counseling.”

– I really wish they could interview the guy who gave out the clue. He pretends as if Chris & Anastasia hadn’t been screaming and crying for the past ten mintues.

– Chris & Anastasia settle in for an awkward car ride.

CHRIS: What do you want? What do you want? How long could that possibly last over? What do you want from somebody? Unbelievable, man. You expect miracles, man but you give none.

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You expect miracles but you give none. What do you think, I sold em all?”

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Chris receives the silent treatment.

– Confessional awkwardness persists.

CHRIS: I know where I went wrong. For me she never sees where she goes wrong. Finished. I know I shouldn’t have screamed.

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Alright, I am giving Chris some points here. He completely regrets screaming. At least it is not like earlier where he thinks Anastasia should have “deserved a bit of screaming” or that she needed to be spanked.

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ANASTASIA: I think Chris always thinks he is right. That’s what I think.

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I SAID WAIT TO ITCH YOUR NOSE, AND I MEANT IT! Daddy never taught you not to quit touching your face when he should have.

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One of these two groups is suffering from first world problems. Can you figure out who?

– Sam & Renae and Mo & Mos deliver the toys to the kids. Mo reveals that he lost his mother when he was ten. He compares it to the children who have neither parent and suffering from AIDS. Sam & Renae are brought to tears.

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I don’t know what it is about Sam right now, but I have a feeling she is up to no good.

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Mo facepalms from realizing he is not alone in last place at the moment. . .or because he just remembered that he left his nappies in the truck.

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Renae is so emotional at the orphanage that she has to resort to using her shoulders to wipe her tears.

– Both teams get the “appreciate what you have” confessional like the other six teams. The music in the background tries to play into the moment too.

– The race is back on. Kelly is searching through her bag for the map.

KELLY: I decided to donate my map to the orphanage. . .unintentionally.

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I know those kids at the orphanage may not have much, but something tells me a city map be a bit excessive for a donation.

DAVE: Would you like to go for an ice cream and a coffee?

KELLY (sarcastically): Ha ha.

DAVE: Yeah, I’m pretty funny.

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I love Dave & Kelly.

– Commercial break. We resume as Dave & Kelly pull over at a gas station.

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I told her to not give her map to the young orphans, AND I MEANT IT!”

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Did I do that?”

DAVE (from the car honking incessantly): GET A BLOODY MOVE ON!

KELLY: That’s my husband telling me I am taking too long.

(SHOPKEEPER helps.)

cape kelly miller

DAVE: C’mon Kelly! C’mon Kel! May as well take your time cause all of the teams are gone, we’re last.

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It’s not like Anne-Marie & Tracy are in the race anymore and can keep slapping our dicks around! Get a bloody move on!”

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My bloody spirit.”

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Oh, don’t mind him. He is just cranky because he is tired.”

KELLY: What do you want me to do? Get directions.

DAVE: C’mon they’ve already got directions and gone ten bloody minutes ago.

cape dave miller 13

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That water bottle is getting abused.

KELLY: You told me to get in there and get directions. Don’t sit on your ass and change your mind. You told me to do something and changed the plan.

DAVE: Shut up, Kelly. Just shut your mouth.

KELLY: You might wanna pull your head in.

DAVE: Just shut your hole in. I’m over ya.

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Talk to the hand because Dave’s hole don’t wanna listen.

(Both laugh hysterically in the car.)

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And this is why we love Dave & Kelly.

– Tyler & Nathan arrive at the sand dunes with Jeff & Luke. Tyler & Nathan explain the task. They try to figure out the psychology of the producers. Will the producers hide a clue in the first one or would that be too easy for racers? Would producers expect them to think that? Nathan convinces Tyler to check the first one anyway.

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Hey bro, you wanna kick up more dust in these ATVs, bro?

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This episode is action-packed.

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I’d rather be surfing, bro.

– Jeff & Luke pass them but run into another hourglass too. You know what is the most exciting thing about TAR Australia this season?

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Watching Jeff & Luke watch sand fall from an hourglass. This is why the episode was extended to one hour and seven minutes running time!

– Matt & Tom arrive and decide to stop at each basket they find. Of course, they are unlucky on their first draw.

cape matt tom 8

captain falcon

I want to be a baseball catcher.”

I want to be a F-Zero racer.”

– Dave & Kelly are fifth to the Detour. They choose Rose because they like red wine. Alana & Mel are right behind them.

ALANA: You two are little speed monkeys!

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What the hell happened to Alana & Mel? Dave & Kelly pulled over at a gas station just so Kelly could ask for help with her lost directions. Dave & Kelly must feel much better about themselves.

– Dave & Kelly tried to splash a bit of the wine into their mouth for a drink, but it wasn’t allowed. I assume it was because it was a self-drive leg.

– Dave & Kelly weigh in on Alana & Mel’s strategy.

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Ouch.

– Mel claims her barrel farted. I guess that is the equivalent of blaming it on the chair.

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The barrel of wine is full of beans too, apparently.

– Jeff & Luke uncover another hourglass.

LUKE: How hard is it to watch sand slowly trickle by when you have a couple spankin’ Hondas there that you want to hammer on?

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Welcome to TAR Australia’s new spinoff–Jeff & Luke Watch Sand Feat. Commentary About How Old Jeff Downes Is.

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Matt channels his inner Happy Gilmore.

happy gilmore

It’s your home, hourglass. Why don’t you trickle that sand through your hole where it belongs!”

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It’s a scratch, not a pick.

– Which Detour option will Mo & Mos pick?

MO: The Muslim thing and alcohol do not go well together. So we’re going for guns. Which, obviously, I guess Muslims and guns also don’t really go well either, but we’re going for guns.

Mo gets away with another jihad joke on TAR Australia.

– Mo picks up a gun and misses every target.

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The Australian scout for ISIS is watching at home, and is not impressed enough to sign Mo. He won’t even be allowed to play in A or an AA league.

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I was just trying to copy the technique used in the al-Jazeera documentaries.”

– Mo says he can never shoot down the cans at festivals or carnivals.

– Mos meanwhile picks up a gun for the first time in his life and connects with a few targets.

MO: You are a gun! No pun intended!

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Australia’s Next Top Mujahideen.

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And you thought Mo & Mos were worried about being on the No Fly list before. . .

In all seriousness though, I am officially retiring all terrorist related jokes. I mean, we have to draw the line in the sand somewhere. Producers aren’t going to air these types of jokes every single leg as long as Mo & Mos are in the race, right? This is five weeks in a row now. I honestly can’t picture these jokes being able to air so frequently in TAR US. It would be a PR nightmare.

– Dave & Kelly complete the Detour in fifth. Alana & Mel simultaneously fill the barrel, and are done in sixth.

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So they did this task twice as fast as Chris & Anastasia.

– Sam & Renae know they are in dead last. Yes, they are even behind Mo & Mos. Renae tries to correct Sam on how to roll it, but it never quite works out.

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Tell me what to do.”

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Now is not the time for poor teamwork.

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Within seconds of Sam touching the barrel again, it tips over.

– Sam & Renae make it to the tap, and begin filling the barrel.

– Jeff & Luke are still riding the ATVs. They uncover the biggest hourglass yet.

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Careful with Jeff’s back! He is feeble!

– In the meantime, Tyler & Nathan and Matt & Tom find a clue at separate baskets. Both teams read they must drive to Rhodes Memorial–the fifth pit stop of the season.

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May or may not be related to Rhodesia.

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Grant would really appreciate HD footage at the mat.

LUKE: We were neck-to-neck with these guys.

Neck-to-neck? Or neck-and-neck?

– Luke explains it was demoralizing to see both teams drive by while all he can do is smile and wave.

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Or fall asleep after the sand runs out.

– Tyler thinks he is first, but sees Matt & Tom exiting the area too. All four contestants sprint to their vehicles.

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Tom is tired of eating their dust.

– They nearly get into a head-on collision when exiting the desert.

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That would have been an embarrassing way to be removed from the race.

NATHAN: I think they’ve got a U-Turn or a Yield coming their way.

Too bad the previous U-Turn was the only one of the whole season.

– Luke says the hourglass was 45 minutes. They skip the next two baskets.

– Chris & Anastasia show up.

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They are no longer side-by-side. . .or side-on-side if you ask Luke.

– They flip their first hourglass.

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THE PRODUCER SAID TO WAIT FOR THE SAND TO RUN OUT BEFORE WE CONTINUE ON, AND HE MEANT IT!!!!

– Dave & Kelly are riding the ATVs. They also flip an hourglass.

– Mo connects with three of his shots. Mo & Mos are done the Detour in seventh. Wow. Poor Sam & Renae.

– Jeff & Luke collect a clue in third place.

LUKE: Sitting there for forty minutes was like having your nails torn out.

That could make for an interesting future Speed Bump. Screw the Norwegian ice chair.

– Anastasia lifts a basket. It is a forty-five minute hourglass.

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Chris takes this opportunity to show off his biceps.

– Chris yells at Dave & Kelly about the hourglass as they pass. Dave & Kelly admit they are very lucky to avoid it.

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Aw shucks, Muscles n Bambi. It’s a real shame you got to this basket before we did. I’d love a chat with you blokes, but I reckon the wifey will want to keep moving!”

– We resume watching Sam & Renae pour the wine.

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Hey Scruffy, why do I feel hungover today? I keep drinking from these puddles, but I think it is dehydrating us more than anything.”

– Sam & Renae finish the Detour.

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Clearly he is more interested in Renae more than Sam. He doesn’t even make eye contact with her.

– Sam re-enters the car.

SAM: We smashed that.

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*crash*

Not only did Sam & Renae smash the Detour, but they also smashed their own trailer.

– Sam & Renae inspect the damage.

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SAM: Aw shit.

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Woops.

tim hardaway

Just like Tim, Sam found out how to reverse the car the hardaway.

– Sam & Renae re-enter the car and keep driving.

– Chris & Anastasia silently wait for the forty-five minute hourglass until. . .

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CHRIS: You have got to be kidding me.

– That’s right. Chris has lost his car keys.

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spaceballs comb

Comb the desert!

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Chris & Anastasia ain’t gonna find shit!

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Anastasia will earn a participation ribbon for this task.

michelle yi

Hands on the floor! Hands on the floor!”

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If Chris loses the key permanently, it will be one of the most embarrassing elimination legs for a team. Ever.

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CHRIS: I lost the key! What’s wrong with me!

– Commercial break. We return to Chris slapping himself around some more.

ANASTASIA: When Chris lost the key, I didn’t start screaming at him. I saw past that and helped him.

CHRIS: I wouldn’t scream at you if you lost the keys because I didn’t tell you to not lose the keys.

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Oh my god, guys. Move passed it already.

CHRIS: It’s my bad. Sorry. I shouldn’t have fucking done that.

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Chris begs for forgiveness.

– Mo & Mos are already at the ATV site. They slowly walk to the ATVs. Mos is blowing his nose.

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You guys are in the best position you have been in all season long, and you are WALKING?! Hustle guys! Is Mos allergic to the sand?

– Alana & Mel are right behind them. Mel urges Alana to drive faster and starts making VROOOOM noises.

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Although she might still be a -little- cautious.

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ruff ryders

Give Alana a bit more time and she will join the Ruff Ryders.

– Mo & Mos decide to check each of the first five baskets followed by every other one.

MO: It turns out it was the worst strategy ever.

MOS: Yep.

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Why is that?

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Hopefully paying that producer to hide Chris’ keys works out well.”

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Sigh.

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I guess this counters the huge life-ring that Sam & Renae threw them during the Intersection twist.

– Alana & Mel catch up to Chris & Anastasia who are still looking for their keys.

MEL: Positive thinking. It might be a non-elimination and you haven’t seen the blondes.

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Somewhere a casual fan is shouting “WHY DON’T ALANA & MEL HELP LOOK FOR THE KEYS?! SUCH AWFUL PEOPLE!!!!”

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Is the camera operator lying down?

– Mo is sitting casually by the hourglass.

MO: So. . .uh, back in the day they used these to measure time, eh?

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Mo is just making conversation.

– Alana & Mel pass by Mo & Mos as they inform them about Chris & Anastasia’s mishap.

MO: Well, that’s interesting.

MOS: Am I sort of somewhat happy?

– Chris slowly rolls up to Mo & Mos.

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If Mo & Mos offer to help, I will punch them.

MO: I thought it was Die Another Day for us. There is no way they were going to find their keys in this desert. It was like the heavens opened up for us.

– Chris & Anastasia slowly mosey onwards.

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Sort of somewhat happy.

– Matt & Tom and Tyler & Nathan are trying to figure out how to drive up to Rhodes Memorial. Tyler & Nathan are really lost, but a car agrees to lead them. The same happens for Matt & Tom. They can see the memorial but the roads are very confusing.

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Ah, Aussie lingo.

– Which car will do the best job of leading a team to the pit stop? Let’s find out.

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Grant and the pit stop greeter are very focused.

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TYLER: Far out!

– Grant informs them of their victory.

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FIRST PLACE: TYLER & NATHAN

– They have won a $5, 000 entertainment system courtesy of Bing Lee.

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If this were Travelocity, we would get a bunch of funny slides with a gnome wearing sunglasses.

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Bing Lee, of course, is named after a friend of Sam & Vince’s who got a business degree after high school, and developed a highly successful technological company.

– Tyler feels great to beat Matt & Tom after losing to them by one step in the previous round.

SECOND PLACE: MATT & TOM

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Finishing in second place is always insulting after you claim a prize in the previous round.

– Sam & Renae know they are last, and ripped passed all of the other three teams on the course. Sam & Renae are definitely traveling at maximum speed. For some reason the Harlem Globetrotters theme plays when they drive by Mo & Mos.

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Vrrrrooooom.

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At this rate, Renae is going to smash up her ATV like she did with her trailer.

– Mo tries to talk to Sam & Renae as they drive by, but are completely ignored. Sam & Renae flip over an hourglass.

– Alana & Mel have a clue.

MEL: Comeback Queens!

. . .You guys were ahead of Sam & Renae.

– Chris & Anastasia are still trying to look for their keys.

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Find meeeee.

CHRIS: We basically fluked it.

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Dammit. He found it.

CHRIS: We found the keys and never thought about anything else.

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CHRIS: I love you.

Geez. At the pit stop he is going to take his car keys and stick it in the ignition. My god.

CHRIS: I make a mistake and it brings us together. I don’t know what it is.

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Until you fight again twelve hours from now.

– Jeff & Luke jump onto the mat.

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swanky kong

Grant really is a game show host.

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Jeff is unusually frumpy.

THIRD PLACE: JEFF & LUKE

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Luke lifts up his dad like he is one of the kids at the orphanage.

– Dave & Kelly make it onto the mat.

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mario eye

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Dave is doing his best impression of Mario from the intro to Super Mario All Stars.

FOURTH PLACE: DAVE & KELLY

– Chris & Anastasia are racing through the dunes.

CHRIS: Can you slow down? Jesus, man.

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A macho dude like Chris is probably not entirely keen on his girlfriend crushing him at a super masculine event.

CHRIS: It was at that stage of the day where it can’t get much worse.

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Anastasia has way too much momentum as she prepares to go down a steep slope.

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That is a huge amount of air!

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HOLY SHIT!

– You can hear Chris and other producers screaming for a medic.

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Chris scrambles over as fast as he could.

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This looks way worse than Collin’s crash in the exact same task during TAR Asia 2.

– Commercial break. A memorial for Anastasia airs and a PSA about ATV safety. Mo & Mos make it to the pit stop in seventh, and survive the leg. The heavens not only opened up for them, but also for Anastasia.

– Just kidding. We resume as Chris is unable to lift the ATV.

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Do you even lift wreckage, bro?

CHRIS: Why would you fall out? I wanted to lead!

Now is not the time, Chris.

– Chris attends to Anastasia.

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Just like any boyfriend, he rubs her butt after an incident of great trauma. . .or he was just pretending to wipe off the excess sand. I don’t know.

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All I know is I shouldn’t have rubbed her ass on national TV.”

CHRIS: Why the hell would you rush it, man?

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Again, now is not the time, Chris.

– Editors give us a slow motion instant replay of the incident. I have replayed it ten times because it gets funnier each time I watch it. We need a banana peel slip sound effect.

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nba jam

She got air NBA Jam style!

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I have heard of whiplash, but this is ridiculous!

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Here’s a story all about how my world got twisted and turned upside-down. . .

– Chris starts kissing her cheek.

CHRIS: Loooove yoooou.

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Are they going to start making out even before the paramedics show up?

– Mo & Mos have successfully waited out the hourglass. They try to bolt as soon as the hourglass is over.

MO: We raced out of there as quickly as possible.

Not as quickly as Anastasia.

– The paramedic determines Anastasia’s damage is limited to a small cut on her lip.

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morticia addams

Anastasia is covered in so much sand that she looks like Morticia Addams.

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I don’t believe the medic. I think you are in desperate need of CPR.”

– Chris wants Anastasia to listen to one vital piece of instruction.

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I think Anastasia will comply.

– Sam & Renae find a clue. Sam screams. They are currently in sixth.

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It took an unlucky break as well as cautious driving from Mo & Mos, and carelessness as well as recklessness from Chris & Anastasia for Sam & Renae to catapult up to sixth place.

– Chris & Anastasia have the clue in seventh place.

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I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!”

– Chris & Anastasia say they have lost their physical, mental, and emotional powers. What are they? Superheroes?

– Mo & Mos are last to have a clue and are on their way.

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Sixth place was fun while it lasted.

– Chris & Anastasia make it to the parking lot ahead of Alana & Mel, but Chris struggles with retrieving the key.

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nes cartridge

He is blowing on the key like he is troubleshooting a NES cartridge.

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So close yet so far!

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Blow harder, son!

– Sam & Renae show up in the parking lot. Chris approaches them for help.

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Chris is like a young boy who goes to his older sister to use her nails to undo a lid.

RENAE: We’ve got to beat Mos & Mo because they are the last team.

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Gang up on Mos & Mo? THAT’S BULLYING!

– Sam & Renae agree to retrieve Chris’ key.

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Sam & Renae have not only bailed out Mo & Mos this round, but also Chris & Anastasia. Nobody has done anything for them in return as of yet.

CHRIS: It really shows their character. We are both in the bottom three, and they know helping us could jeopardize their position.

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Sam & Renae are using a hook and a Swiss Army Knife to release the key? That is hardcore.

– Sam & Renae succeed. Both teams pull out of the parking lot. We see Mo & Mos start driving but with no other teams around.

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The sun sets on the treacherous sand dunes!

FIFTH PLACE: ALANA & MEL

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Alana jumps up and down like Anastasia’s ATV.

– Chris says Mo & Mos have had all of the luck on their side. Coming from the guy who found his key in the desert, and relied on Sam & Renae for help.

– All three teams are on the road. Darkness has fallen. Chris & Anastasia and Sam & Renae are shown pulling in at roughly the same time. Because Chris & Anastasia aren’t named Alana & Mel, they allow Sam & Renae an unchallenged path to the mat.

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Renae’s energy is so depleted that she crawls up the last few steps.

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SIXTH PLACE: SAM & RENAE

– Chris figures out what number comes after six.

CHRIS: Seventh, third, seventh, third, and. . .?

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Add four more fingers and you got it, Chris.

SEVENTH PLACE: CHRIS & ANASTASIA

– The sad farewell music plays as Mo & Mos climb up the Rhode To Elimination.

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That glimmer of hope. . .

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Vanished. Anne-Marie & Tracy weren’t around to accidentally crash in the sand dunes to save them again.

LAST PLACE: MO & MOS

– Grant eliminates them from the race.

MO: That’s a shame.

MOS: It’s a hollow feeling.

MO: Especially after having such a great day.

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You know, diarrhea right before skydiving, relying on Sam & Renae to get us through the Intersection, having to portray negative Muslim stereotypes by shooting a gun on national TV, staring at an hourglass for forty-five minutes, etc.

– Mo said he conquered his worst fear today.