Before we get into this week’s predictions, I do have an Amber Alert to get out of the way:
This woman went missing three weeks ago. Has anyone seen her? If so, please contact local authorities immediately.
In completely unrelated news, Mr. Ondel-Ondel forgot to check in with his probation officer approximately nineteen days ago.
WEEK FIVE WINNER’S EDIT PROJECTIONS (The following is the order of those who have the best chance of winning based on the edit set forth by production)
1) PARUL & MAGGIE – 5.25 TEAM AVERAGE
As Ben Powell pointed out, Parul & Maggie matched Zabrina & Joe Jer’s placement in the opening three rounds of the season. However, even with their split from Zabrina & Joe Jer’s path in the fourth round, that does not change their odds of winning.
Once again, Parul’s strength in challenges in the form of a personal story was brought into the edit. There was an emotional moment when Parul completed the Roadblock that seemed out of place if you weren’t paying close attention to the edit.
Therefore, the odds of Parul & Maggie winning this season continue to climb. Of course, a Batman-esque symbol may flash in the sky for Parul & Maggie to have a shocking penultimate leg elimination just because producers love to mess with me, but I don’t think this is happening.
Unless Parul & Maggie receive negative attention within the next couple of episodes, Parul & Maggie will be our frontrunners for the duration of the season.
Will editors make it this easy for me? Who knows.
2) ERIC & RONA – 4.5 TEAM AVERAGE
Besides that elephant with the erection in the previous episode, we must talk about the other “eruption” in this season–Eric & Rona.
They have had a big presence since the start of this season. Lots of content, lots of scenes, and lots of moments we can track over the first four episodes.
Eric & Rona are important to this season. They aren’t just important for the Asian bodybuilding community forums, but also to fans of TAR Asia 5.
We know they are a couple seeking their honeymoon.
We are privy to their train of thought each round.
We know specific quirks about each of them. Rona consistently hates to run, and Eric consistently loves to work out every muscle in his body. They are also seeking their honeymoon destination as long as it isn’t Malaysia (hey, thank goodness their government chose not to sponsour this season!)
Eric & Rona would probably prefer to have met Governer Schwarzzeneger rather than Deputy Minister Patona at the start of this season, but unfortunately you have to make compromises on The Amazing Race.
Anyways, Eric & Rona will likely be our fan favourites of the season who make it to the end of the season but not clinch the pennant. Close, though.
3) TOM & ANITA – 4.0 TEAM AVERAGE
I stand by what I said before: Tom & Anita will make it to the Final Three, but will not be victorious. They will be the Hillary Clinton of The Amazing Race Asia 5. How topical of you, Logan!
But seriously, making it to the Final Three guarantees Tom & Anita have a 1-in-3 shot at winning this season, regardless if their edit is weaker than Mai & Oliver’s upper body strength.
We don’t know much about Tom & Anita personally, but they are constantly narrating everything that is occurring around them. Perhaps their most notable storyline is that they have marked Louisa & Treasuri as their equals in a Lord Voldemort-Harry Potter sense.
Everything points to Louisa & Treasuri being Avada Kedavra’d at their hands. . .but will Tom & Anita’s story simply end there? Probably.
4) JK & MIKE – 6.25 TEAM AVERAGE
JK & Mike are currently our biggest underdogs.
However, where is the line drawn in the sand between being underdogs and being strictly comedic relief stumbling through the race? You can’t be both in the reality TV world.
I mean, if things continue the way they are, Mike will be wearing an eyepatch and declaring himself to be a Somali pirate sooner rather than later.
On the other hand, if JK & Mike start recovering in the standings, we could see the beginning of a great comeback. Imagine how pissed off Michael Harmstone will be when this succeeds.
5) LOUISA & TREASURI – 1.75 TEAM AVERAGE
“Louisa & Treasuri are so strong they beat Eric in a weightlifting competition.”
“Louisa & Treasuri are so sneaky they slipped under Jeremy & Sandy’s radar.”
“Louisa & Treasuri are so brilliant they make Adrian & Collin look like dumbasses.”
“Louisa & Treasuri once knocked out Mike Tyson and Chuck Norris in a tag team boxing match in the 1980s.”
Doc took two new apprentices under his wing.
All signs point to Louisa & Treasuri being toppled. Will Tom & Anita U-Turn them out of the race? Most likely.
6) ALEX & WILL – 5.0 TEAM AVERAGE
Remember how they had that brief storyline about bringing it home for Malaysia in the previous episode? Yeah, that storyline is already gone. I have channeled all of my “editing chee”, and have deemed that Alex & Will have little to no chance of winning this season.
7) YVONNE & CHLOE – 4.5 TEAM AVERAGE
Have we learned anything about Yvonne & Chloe? Everything they do is significantly downplayed. For instance, there were only three quick scenes from them in the past episode.
a) Yvonne & Chloe talk about dung.
b) Yvonne & Chloe talk about not being able to sit still. Er, “so not being able to sit still,” that is.
c) JK’s remark about them wearing bikinis, and indirectly Louisa & Treasuri’s added commentary.
Considering we are over a third of the way into the season, I can rule them out at this point.
WEEK FIVE PREDICTIONS (The following is the order I expect everyone to arrive at the next pit stop)
Will Lisa & Nicole be the greeters in order to become the sixth and seventh sassy sister of the season? We shall see. Also, I hear Tara Basro and Aung San Suu Kyi continue to have fun hanging out together.
1) LOUISA & TREASURI
If my prediction of Louisa & Treasuri winning the next leg is ruined because of a goddamn Fast Forward, I am going to be uber pissed. Otherwise, I fully expect a hat trick. Pardon my stereotypical Canadian reference.
2) TOM & ANITA
Tom & Anita are on a roll. Particularly when their brakes do not work!
I joke I joke, I kidd I kidd!
Tom & Anita are the team I would expect to go for a Fast Forward. If it is a traditional head shaving Fast Forward, Tom can finally even out the hair on his head. Anita would be competitive enough to shave it all off too.
This rivalry between Louisa & Treasuri and Tom & Anita is fun, and hopefully it lasts for a minimum of this week and the following week.
3) ERIC & RONA
As long as the next pit stop is not Down the Beach, I think Eric & Rona shall round out our podium for this week. They rarely make critical errors, and I expect them to have a greater level of stamina compared to other teams. Furthermore, they appear to get along better than a few of the other teams remaining in the race.
4) YVONNE & CHLOE
I can never quite figure out Yvonne & Chloe.
They are like the ending to Inception–one big mystery where you think you have the answer, but then a new piece of information makes you rethink your conclusion.
So let’s just say they finish in the middle and continue on with our day.
5) PARUL & MAGGIE
Because this is not Survivor: Millennials vs. Generation X, this is the worst I see a female performing in TAR Asia 5 this week.
As long as they didn’t convince Boo to be their third teammate, nothing should hold Parul & Maggie back from another respectable finish this season.
6) JK & MIKE
Like Austin Powers at a blackjack table, JK & Mike love to play dangerously. JK & Mike have yet to hit their stride, and I don’t think it will happen just quite yet.
7) ALEX & WILL
The only round where Alex & Will did well was when three equalizers rescued them during the Malaysia round (where they supposedly held a home court advantage). With nearly all of their buffers eliminated from the competition, Alex & Will are expected to go home this week.
This is the perfect opportunity for the Chee brothers to survive the leg just so they can point and laugh at me in a Muntz-like fashion.
P.S. This is all courtesy of spoilers I have read online in the past week. . .
Nah, just playin’. I just need a golden calculator to divide the time it took to realize that real guys go for real down to Mars Amazing Race edits.