Feel Good Joey Inc.
(Episode Blog #277)
NOTE: Today marks the FIVE YEAR anniversary of the TARstorian project! 277 episodes, 23 seasons, thousands upon thousands of pop culture references, and nearly 50, 000 screencaps later, thanks to everyone who has supported me over the years.
INDONESIA – VIETNAM – CHINA – SOUTH AFRICA – THE NETHERLANDS – CZECH REPUBLIC – POLAND – ISRAEL – SRI LANKA – SINGAPORE – AUSTRALIA
Previously on TAR: Ten teams raced from Vietnam to Hong Kong where entrepreneurs Richard & Joey went to great lengths to win the Fast Forward. Once again, Mo & Mos narrowly escaped elimination but it was a sad goodbye to Anne-Marie & Tracy.
Tonight, will Richard & Joey’s ruthless determination be their downfall? Teams face their greatest fear, and one pair will find themselves on the wrong side of the law.
Nine teams remain; who will be eliminated next?
– Intro time.
– Grant introduces us to Macau–a small region in China that has become the gambling capital of Asia. The A-Ma (or is it A Ma?) Cultural Village is a heritage site from the Portuguese trading days. It is the third pit stop in a race around the world.
Macau: A place where people pretend to be texting on their phone.
The Portuguese history makes more sense now.
Grant tries his best to be like Tyler Denk from TAR 10.
– Richard & Joey, who were the first to arrive at 9:52pm, will depart at 9:52am.
A twelve hour pit stop two weeks in a row? TAR Australia, thank you for sticking to TAR’s initial structure.
Wait a second. They are wearing plain shirts for once?
Nevermind. Joey ruined it.
This doesn’t look like the A-Ma Cultural Village.
Well, that’s because it isn’t. The pit start was moved to the Ruins of St. Paul which is not mentioned in the episode.
– I wonder how Richard & Joey are knowing they have a lead on all other teams this round?
“They feel good.”
– Joey reads the clue and that they are going to Africa. Now, it should be impossible for this round to repeat a location from TAR Asia. This is because TAR Asia has only been to -one- African country in its four-season run up to this point.
All we need is for it to NOT be South Africa, and we’re good. There are fifty-three other countries in Africa.
Well, Libya, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, and Somalia are not feasible options, so let’s cut it down to fifty semi-realistic options.
– So which country are we going to in Africa, Joey?
YOU GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!
– They will travel to the seaside city of Port Elizabeth.
Who knew Port Elizabeth would not be inland. -_-
GRANT: They will search the airport car park for a marked vehicle that contains their next clue.
Grant already references Anne-Marie & Tracy.
JOEY: I hope we get to do something with animals or safaris.
– Joey notes they have been a competitive couple from the very start.
– Joey discovers a bunch of flights connect to Port Elizabeth via Bangkok.
Hahaha, they are using old school Internet Explorer in 2011. Also, I have never heard of FareCompare. Do they need to worry about prices when production covers it with a credit card?
I am sure they are looking up the latest scores in the rugby sports leagues.
RICHARD: We are a big threat, and people see that especially after shaving our heads. They realize we are in this thing to win.
NOTE: They realize JOEY is in this thing to win. Richard shaving his head is like a skydiver being willing to do a bungee jump.
No credit card fraud today.
– Richard & Joey board a plane.
– Grant informs us Richard & Joey are on a flight to Johannesburg via Bangkok.
I wonder if Eric & Danielle are still there?
– Alana & Mel and Tyler & Nathan both depart at 1:00pm, but somehow do so separately.
That means Alana & Mel had to read the clue and run off the pit start with their production crew all in the span of less than a minute. It is certainly doable, but in the American and Canadian version they always force a minimum one minute interval between departures.
TAR Australia plays by its own rules.
– Alana & Mel have one goal.
MEL: Our plan is to beat the yellow team.
ALANA: We haven’t liked Richard & Joey since the start and the way they played the game.
MEL: It’s kind of everyone against them. If we could win a leg, that would just be amazing.
So there you have it.
“For Richard & Joey, it is 1 vs. 8!”
– Tyler & Nathan’s cab pulls up alongside Alana & Mel.
ALANA: Oi! Boys! Do you reckon a ferry to Hong Kong is gonna be quicker?
“Oi! I reckon Canadians don’t talk like this!”
– Tyler & Nathan have liked the way they have been racing, and have made good allies. However, they feel they are a threat to everyone around them.
Tyler waits for no one.
– Tyler & Nathan and Alana & Mel board the ferry.
Why does everyone look depressed?
– Dave & Kelly begin the leg at 1:31pm. Dave gets very excited when reading they are going to South Africa.
– Matt & Tom depart at 1:34pm. They read they have 216 dollars for this round.
– Dave hires a cab.
DAVE: Open your boot.
Why does Dave care about the driver’s footwear?
Huh. Dave & Kelly really have been slang royalty since the start of the race. I have learned a lot from them.
– Kelly has our first solo confessional of the season.
KELLY: We have been married for eleven years. If we have a bust up, we have a bust up. Who cares. We get on with it in half an hour. We don’t have to worry about that side of the race.
And they follow it up with a ‘bust up’.
Canadians bust up laughing.
Aussies bust up fighting.
– Dave claims the legs are getting bloody harder.
In fact, Dave has a leg cramp during this confessional.
Dave couldn’t be happier to rest.
– A freakin’ BANJO plays during Matt & Tom’s confessional. This is downright absurd.
MATT: Outback of Australia has a carefree way of life, and I think we’ll just cruise on through most things.
TOM: We’re definitely not rushing into these challenges. We slow everything down. I don’t know if it’s a strategy. . .but it’s the way we roll.
MATT: . . . . . . .Mmmm.
Tom was slow in his confessional talking about being slow. Hilarious.
Every post-round interview takes three times as long with Matt & Tom compared to all other teams, I reckon.
– The driver poses a question to them.
I love how Matt & Tom casually respond in unison like they are brainwashed victims.
“I THOUGHT THIS WAS SINGAPORE?!”
– And their segment ends.
– Tyler & Nathan and Alana & Mel book a Port Elizabeth flight which departs at 11:45pm.
– Jeff & Luke, Chris & Anastasia, and Sam & Renae leave at 1:36pm, 1:37pm, and 1:38pm respectively.
– Jeff feels he and Luke are a team now.
A team which shall become “famous” one day, if his shirt holds true.
JEFF: I’m not playing out of a father psyche, I am playing as his running mate.
“Dad, if you are my running mate, then that makes you Mike Pence and me. . .Donald Trump. Oh god.”
– Chris & Anastasia talk about how they have been getting along.
CHRIS: There have definitely been some downs, but I think we’ve been pretty good.
ANASTASIA: Compared to what we usually are back home.
CHRIS: I think we managed to control our anger.
Whoa, this is -better- than back home? We saw one of the most vicious fights ever just two rounds ago.
Chris pauses to reflect.
– We have a flashback to the infamous fight at the start of the second round in Denpasar.
“Is this normal?”
According to Chris. & Anastasia . .yes, yes it is.
CHRIS: We’re both very passionate. She believes in her opinion, and I believe in mine. And at the end of the day–
ANASTASIA: We have to go with the most logical which is usually mine.
CHRIS: Uh. . .
They can’t even agree on when one of them is being funny.
– And why is Chris wearing a Stockton shirt?
I didn’t know he was a big fan of the Diaz brothers. Personally I can’t wait for the pro-legalization monologues.
– It is nightfall already. Sam & Renae are in line at the ferry.
Pay attention to the man right behind Renae.
He makes his move.
RENAE: Nah uh. Hello. Line.
“Sorry. My wife is in the hospital and I was hoping to get to her sooner rather than later. My apologies.”
RENAE: It’s alright.
You are dismissed.
– Sam says Renae being a tomboy and her, well, not being a tomboy is a great combination.
Renae crosses her arms like she is a honey badger.
Not a tomboy.
I love how in a confessional about not being a tomboy, Sam is wearing a bandana like she is in a freakin’ motorcycle gang.
– Renae says she is stronger while Sam can be mentally stronger, and wouldn’t want to race with anybody else.
– Mo & Mos start in last at 6:31pm.
That means it was 2:31am when they took their penalty in the last round. They will need an airport equalizer right now.
MO: Every single leg we look like we are just gonna lose or have some disadvantage. Our dream in the next leg is just to get to that pit stop and not have a penalty or a delay or have something happen to us. Grant can just treat us like normal teams. “Congratulations. Get on, get off”.
Although I really don’t want to see Mos “get off” at the pit stop.
– Mo & Mos are running through the streets.
Mos using a salbutamol puffer to give himself that edge.
– They board the last ferry to the airport.
MOS: I was sweating as soon as we got on the ferry.
“Why did I have the fish?”
Things are not looking good for Mos. . .again.
MOS: I put myself in front of the toilet with dirty toilet water splashing in my face.
Mos is escorted to the toilet.
“Ain’t nobody got time for this. I’m leaving.”
“Hey Mos, can we watch you puke?”
– Mo checks in on his cousin. We hear lots of retching.
“Mos? You rinsed your puffer, right?”
– Mo tries helping Mos, but he can’t stand straight enough to open the door to see how he is doing, and is forced to sit down.
Man, Mo wouldn’t even be able to do the Ice Chair Speed Bump from TAR 17.
MO: It came to this question whether we should continue or not with the race or not, because how much does your health deteriorate before you go ‘enough is enough’.
Considering Mo can’t sit down without having a seizure, and Mos is puking in the bathroom, enough is nearly enough.
– Mo asks Mos if he is okay to continue. Mos sighs and starts moving.
“How much further is it to South Africa?”
“Alright. Let’s go.”
– Mo & Mos see all of the other teams at the airport.
Mo is stunned.
The teams cheer for him as if he just won The Amazing Race.
“Mo & Mos are still in?! We’re all guaranteed to make it to leg five!”
Mel gets a face full of Mos’ Ferry Puke Breath.
– Everyone boards the plane.
I love Mos’ reaction to being on a level playing field once again.
This is the longest Mo & Mos have been in first place all season long (Richard & Joey are on the same flight).
– We cut to the airport parking lot. It is windy. Tyler & Nathan are first to open their clue.
Tyler’s hair keeps blowing in his face as he reads the clue.
Richard & Joey have the same problem.
– They read that they must drive themselves to the Valley of Desolation. Grant informs us that they will be driving THREE HUNDRED kilometres north of Port Elizabeth to Camdeboo National Park and search a sheer cliff face for their next clue.
Anne-Marie & Tracy would not like this incline.
Watch out for that ledge.
– Dave makes a discovery about the vehicle.
Kelly realizes who will be in trouble.
Remember in the season premiere how Alana & Mel were not the best drivers in Melbourne?
Deep breaths, Alana.
TAR US, scenes like this are why we need self-drive legs more regularly. Take note ya cheap motherfuckers.
ALANA: I attempted to drive a manual once we found the marked car.
– The camera work is jittery as Alana keeps stalling. She hits a curb.
– Mo & Mos ask for directions.
MAN: It’s about three hundred kilometres from here.
MOS: You kidding me?
“That means I’ll have to puke about five or six times before we get to the first route marker.”
– Alana keeps struggling with the manual transmission.
ALANA: I’m having trouble, Mel. Do you want to have a try?
MEL: We knew we were going to probably have to drive a manual. So Alana had a million lessons. I had two. I’m like “eh, whatever. I’ll pick it up.”
Alana does not absorb information well after a million lessons. She hops out.
“Two lessons? Eh, no biggie.”
– Then one of the scariest things in TAR history is about to go down.
MEL: I need you to lean forward and put it in third for me.
That’s right. Mel asks Alana to literally become a backseat driver.
If Brian & Greg get into a car crash but not Alana & Mel, something is seriously wrong.
MEL: What have you got it in? What have you got it in?
“Geez, does one person have to do ALL of the driving?!”
MEL: OH. MY. GOD.
ALANA: It’s pretty hard to change gears from back here, Mel.
(MEL shakes head.)
Excuses, excuses, Alana.
– We skip ahead three hundred kilometres. Several teams arrive together.
Helicopter shot of Tyler & Nathan.
They are first, and it’s a Detour. Here comes Grant!
The wind is not kind to Grant Bowler’s hair.
All he needs is a trenchcoat and he looks like a Dick Tracy villain.
– This Detour provides teams with a choice between Smash or Bash.
They did the smash.
It was a great big bash.
They watched the monster Mash.
– In Smash, teams must smash four pots by throwing a traditional African weapon called the knobkierie before receiving their next clue.
That’s one way to combat American gun control.
A Dream Teamer had fun with the first two pots.
Why is he using only his fingertips to hold the clue with his left hand?
– In Bash, teams must build a giraffe feeder using only the materials and tools provided to the satisfaction of the park ranger before receiving their next clue.
That giraffe has poor posture.
“Is this what my life has come to?”
Not a Basher.
– Tyler & Nathan read they must drive to Kragga Kamma Game Park to begin the Detour. Of course, they opt to Smash.
– Mo & Mos are in second place. Chris & Anastasia are third. Dave & Kelly are fourth. Richard & Joey are fifth. Joey says they are driving back to Port Elizabeth.
“Back across the highway.”
Yep. Six hundred kilometres before the Detour.
– Alana & Mel see the incoming teams on the road.
MEL: They’ve already been and gone. Damn, I thought we were doing good.
“I thought we were doing so well when we working together to change gears on the stick.”
– Sam & Renae and Jeff & Luke are sixth and seventh to the clue box. Matt & Tom are eighth.
“But what about that shadowy place, Dad?”
“That’s Langa Township. You must never go there, Luke. Or they will kill you.”
The tomboy wants to smash.
– In fact, everyone chooses to Smash.
MEL: Let’s decide it in the car.
Well, that’s one way to be efficient.
– Alana moans about having to go all the way back to Port Elizabeth.
MEL: OHHH Amazing Race, what are you doing to us?
If you can clip Mel’s byte and combine it with Phil’s “face cream” task from the first Indonesia leg in TAR 28, I will be indebted to you.
– Richard says everybody is on each other’s tails on the highway.
– Of course, Richard tries to cut off Chris.
Yes, Richard just cut off the guy who we have frequently joked about being on roids.
CHRIS: If I didn’t brake, we would have crashed.
RICHARD: They were debating which way they wanted to go, so we played cat and mouse. It was a friendly drive, but a fast drive.
“Are you kidding me, mate?”
“It’s a friendly game of cutting each other off on the road. Everyone loves this game.”
Chris is not having as much fun as Richard is with this game.
And why should he let his wife drive, Chris?
Wow. I thought the only thing Chris could rip to shreds were his muscles, but man, he just annihilated Richard in one (mildly sexist) confessional.
– Chris & Anastasia win the road race.
Richard & Joey just made another new enemy for no apparent reason.
As long as Alana doesn’t drive the manual transmission, everyone should catch up.
– Joey suggests to return “super duper early” to park their car and get a spot.
Once again, we have multiple equalizers in the first half of the round. It will be nearly two days since they left Macau once the park opens.
-Commercial break. We resume to a sunrise straight out of the Lion King.
The circle of life!
And because it is an African leg, we are obliged to see some safari wildlife.
Their rhymes are bottomless.
A great analogy for Mo & Mos’ journey in the race thus far.
Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines!
I have a feeling Richard & Joey were discouraged from having games of cat and mouse in the park.
– Joey tells Richard to follow the marked flags. They see zebras. Everyone loses their shit over them. Especially Renae.
“Did we get the shot, Tim?”
“Good, I’m out of here.”
RENAE (super high-screeched tone): LOOK AT THE LITTLE BABIES!
Shake it off like Taylor Swift, Mr. Zebra.
DAVE: They’re a weird looking horse, aren’t they?
Don’t tell them that, Dave.
– There is a muddy pit ahead.
JOEY: Oh gosh, I can see the muddy pit coming up soon.
– Jeff & Luke are happy to -not- be in the lead this time.
LUKE: We really weren’t that keen on being the first vehicle. We’ve been four-wheel driving before, and the first vehicle figures out where all of the bad stuff is usually.
“We’ll gladly settle for second place today.”
The giraffe watches as Richard & Joey prepare to enter mud.
– Richard & Joey slow down a bit.
CHRIS: That is true mud.
Chris sits back and watches.
Tyler doesn’t have time for Richard & Joey’s hesitation.
RICHARD: We’re in first. The pressure is on. We just didn’t. . .
Nathan is eager to watch this play out.
Vroooooom. . .
“Yay! We’re not the only ones!”
– Another commercial break. We resume by seeing this from another angle.
JOEY: Damn. We have to back up.
That might be difficult, Jo.
– We cut to Matt laughing at Richard & Joey really really really hard.
I could listen to Matt’s laugh on a repeated loop.
“I think they shaved a bit too much off their head if you ask me, mate.”
– Alana & Mel are laughing too.
No sympathy for yellow.
ALANA: Nobody really likes Richard & Joey. Let’s be honest.
MEL: I shouldn’t laugh because it’s going to happen to me.
ALANA: At least it happened to the yellow team first.
MEL: No one’s going to jump out to help them.
MEL: If they’d stopped to helped, and then they themselves got bogged, yellow team isn’t turning around to help you.
No faith in yellow.
– Richard & Joey survey the situation.
“Can everyone else drive around?”
Or else this round will be delayed by another two hours.
JOEY: Can you back up? Is it not backing up?
RICHARD: No, Joey. C’mon.
Dig Fido, dig!
– Sam comments Richard & Joey are bogged.
SAM: Chris tries to be a hero and tries to go through as well.
How do his acts of heroism work out, Sam?
ANASTASIA: Aw shit.
MATT: Here we go. It’s gonna be a bogged mudpit.
Matt sees everything go down in flames.
MATT: What is he thinking? Why would he go around there?
The country boy needed to be at the front of that line.
– Chris keeps trying to drive through it but to no avail.
The mudpit has his car by the balls, as he would say.
CHRIS: We are fucked now.
– Tyler & Nathan roar with laughter.
Both of them lose it as Nathan repeatedly smacks the window ledge.
NATHAN: GO CHRIS!
“Go Chris. . .and go no one else.”
They can’t even watch anymore.
If this were Survivor, Joey would be on the verge of finding a hidden immunity idol.
Chris & Anastasia continue to be persistent in their vehicle.
– Tyler & Nathan suggest they drive around it, and clear an obstacle or two.
Tyler’s patience is wearing thin. He wants to finally get to the Detour.
He’s a back-to-back world champion 4×4 driver for a reason.
TYLER: I’m not helping these coots. I’m going on my own.
Tyler nearly runs Matt over.
Tyler guns it.
– Tyler is stuck.
This can’t be for real. One car is understandable. Two makes it a comedy. Three makes it a ridiculous cartoon.
Tyler resorts to spinning the wheel as fast as he can.
TYLER: I hooked it in there and kind of got it a little bit stuck.
He is so dang close.
Situation is dire.
– Nathan repeatedly asks him if he can back up.
Tyler changes gears and keeps gunning it.
TYLER: I think everyone else followed.
NATHAN: Followed suit.
TYLER: Followed suit, yeah.
“Thanks for the superfluous addition, dude.”
“How was it any different than what I just said, bro?”
Renae smokes through it with her tomboy-like powers.
The car is rocking back and forth so much that the camera operator gets this extreme close-up of Sam’s face.
Speaking of smoke, Chris backs the car out but incurs a lot of smoke in the process.
– Chris & Anastasia make it through. So do Mo & Mos.
Mo flexes upon his personal triumph. Mos is likely vomiting in the backseat from all of the movement.
– Meanwhile, one person is nervous about entering the mudpit.
MEL: I’ve never been so frickin’ nervous in my life.
Yep. It’s the woman with only two manual driving lessons to her name.
MEL: If they got bogged, then we’re gonna get bogged considering I don’t even know how to drive a manual.
“Is this the most ridiculous thing I have ever attempted?”
Mel changes gears.
It isn’t helping her confidence.
WE’RE GOING 88 MARTY!!!!
ALANA: Keep going, keep going!
ALANA: Good job! Up on there!
ALANA: Keep going, up on there!
Oh my word.
Mel did it. She successfully completed the mudpit after the camera and audio crew inside were fearing for their lives.
“We’re pioneers, Mel! Pioneers!”
MEL: Made it straight through that mud! I couldn’t believe it.
Alana is mean muggin’ for the camera.
I doubt Meredith & Maria could do something like that.
ALANA: For a chick who didn’t drive manual until yesterday, look at us freakin’ smash that.
Not smashed that. . .nor crushed that.
Richard is -this- close to digging for Nazi gold with Stephen Colbert and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
– Joey wants Richard to back up.
RICHARD: I can’t back up, babe. I can’t back up.
Richard would be terrible in a Ying Yang Twins music video.
The giraffes continue to snicker.
– Tyler & Nathan are first to the Detour which, coincidentally, is called “Smash”.
A group of women are chanting “Alana”. I think it is inappropriate for the locals to show favouritism to a racer, but that’s just me.
Tyler throws a club.
The club casually bounces off of a pot.
One spectator watches Tyler’s fail from the sidelines.
“You throw like a girl!”
I don’t think Tyler & Nathan saw this guy mocking them.
TYLER: It was so cool to be there. We had these warrior boys retrieve our sticks we were throwing.
Oh my word.
This scene would have a COMPLETELY different reaction in the US.
Don’t worry, Alana is coming soon.
Matt’s hat is removed. You know things are about to get real.
– Chris & Anastasia are currently the only team at Bash. They had no idea what a giraffe feeder was until they got there. Chris is a civil engineer.
Four years of civil engineering amounts to this.
CHRIS: Mel’s not that strong.
“Mel’s not that strong. . .now hold this for me.”
– Alana & Mel begin assembling their giraffe feeder.
MEL: It was really hawd banging those nails. That was hard labour.
Mel is not too impressed with the hard labour.
“I just found a new pet rock.”
– Chris puts up the fourth log. Anastasia tries to keep the other three logs steady.
Chris checking out Anastasia’s flexibility. It won’t be long before the plumber and the pizza guy shows up.
CHRIS: It was good. It was good.
– We get more flexibility from Anastasia.
Bambi fits right in with the African safari life. I love the judge watching her from the sidelines, by the way.
Dave tries throwing the club at the back of Chris’ head. He doesn’t quite make it.
– Two men on the sidelines are having an extremely animated conversation from the sidelines.
I think they are taking bets on who hits the target first.
If Aussies played more baseball than cricket, they would know how to throw that club.
Matt misses, and proceeds to get mocked by the crowd.
Now watch me (YOU!) Superman that club!
The drummer’s friend is embarrassed by his dance moves. That is why he is a drummer rather than a dancer.
“I curse thee, Detour!”
– Tyler hits a target.
Jesus. Tyler & Nathan jump even higher than the Masai.
Considering Tyler & Nathan are one-quarter of the way through the task, I can’t imagine what Nathan’s celebration will be like when they finish this task.
It is like a reverse Chun-Li.
– Tom hits a target.
– We cut to Mo & Mos.
Mos uses an odd Dennis Eckersley sidearm technique.
It doesn’t make it very far.
Dennis would have swapped to Bash by now.
Mo doesn’t fare much better.
This crowd is brutal.
Even Mos’ standup comedy routines have not endured this much heckling before.
MOS: Our throwing skills were pathetic.
MO: We thought Lightning and Thunder would come into play and save us.
Sadly the only storm to come into play would be a shitstorm.
Good try, guys.
– Jeff & Luke also switch. It’s not as entertaining when they switch for some reason.
– Tom hits the final target.
All hail the Lorena and Zangief Tribute!
If we get a confessional about how Matt & Tom have never met a Black person before, the whole “we live in the middle of nowhere in Australia” angle is simply going too far.
– Matt & Tom open the clue. It’s an instant Roadblock.
Well, this is going to either involve diving or jumping from a great height.
And just like that, Mika quits TAR Australia 1.
Grant looks like a Greek statue here.
Oh my word. A task like this goes back to the very first episode of the very first season. We all know what’s coming.
GRANT: In this Roadblock, teams must face their fears and plunge 216 metres from the world’s highest bridge bungy.
Yes, the highest bridge bungy jump in the WORLD. It doesn’t get higher than this.
I doubt cartoon characters from the Looney Tunes have jumped this far into a canyon.
“Thank you for not dying. Here is your next clue.”
TOM: Caution: U-Turn ahead.
Unlike the American version, teams are not informed of the U-Turn until right before it is going to occur rather than at the start of the leg.
I personally wish TAR would go one step further and completely blindside teams with a U-Turn by them not knowing about it until they see the U-Turn board itself. The panic would be wonderful to watch.
NOTE: Especially when the cast of TAR 28 all agreed to not U-Turn each other at the start of the third round.
– Tyler gallops after hitting his final target.
Nathan’s feet remain planted on the ground.
– Once again, Tyler & Nathan are hovering around the top of the leaderboard.
“Tyler & Nathan are like the Los Angeles Lakers. They rarely can be beat.
You. . .you just went by his shirt, Chip.
– Tyler & Nathan read about the U-Turn.
Yes, boys. You may have to scheme.
– Matt & Tom drive up to the U-Turn board.
THAT is the U-Turn board? That is the cheapest U-Turn board I have ever seen.
I do appreciate the added touch of the arrow on the mat, though.
Grant is taller than the U-Turn board. One season from now we will see TAR 19 introduce the electronic U-Turn board.
“And my hair doesn’t look as ridiculous as it was yesterday.”
– Tyler’s heart is pumping because he thinks Matt & Tom will U-Turn him.
– I have a joke for you. What type of animal do casual viewers think use a U-Turn?
A cheetah. Ohohohohohoho.
– No photo is on the board.
TYLER: We had a chance to U-Turn someone. So we did just that.
“Which team can we kick while we’re down?”
TYLER: We wish to U-Turn. . .them.
Yep, the team who nobody is fond of at the moment and is currently bogged down digging out mud.
FUN FACT: 1-0-5 refers to the number of milliseconds it took for allies of Alana & Mel to decide they want to U-Turn Richard & Joey.
– Tyler’s explanation is amusing.
TYLER: They’ve been pretty dodgy in this game and really aren’t our cup of tea. So we’re hoping they get eliminated.
Just like in Soviet Russia, it’s the Whites versus the Reds.
NATHAN: See yas!
Tyler & Nathan reflect on their masterpiece.
Richard is having a tough enough time U-Turning the vehicle. This is just insulting.
– We watch Joey push against the back of the SUV for ten seconds.
Joey shaved her head to get stuck in mud, get U-Turned, and most likely get eliminated too. Glad you made the sacrifice, Jo?
JOEY: This is disgusting. Ewwwww!
Shhhh. Don’t tell her the mud is covered in giraffe feces too.
“I AM SPARTACUS!!!!!”
– Commercial break. We resume as Richard has since stopped his role-playing.
RICHARD: We never gave up, did we Joey? We kept digging and digging and digging. Eventually something has to give.
“You gotta dig, woman!”
– Joey looks up to see another vehicle.
JOEY: Hopefully a ranger.
A ranger in a range rover? How typical.
JOEY: This guy came by and helped us got our car out, and that was the thing they gave.
Wait wait wait wait. Back up, guys.
You guys would have had the exact same outcome if you just stood on the grass and didn’t do any digging whatsoever. You would have stayed clean, and the same man would have pulled your car out of the mud.
In other words, you wasted a whole lot of energy for nothing when you were going to be rescued at the exact same time anyway.
Sorry guys, but I do have a tendency to call out BS moments in TAR, and this is certainly one of them. Don’t worry, every team ever is guilty of this.
It is not as if Richard & Joey would have been ignored by this man if they were casually standing around.
“What? They aren’t digging? I am just going to drive right by them due to their lack of effort!”
– Richard & Joey enter the mud once more.
JOEY: Baby floor it!
It will be really really really funny if Richard & Joey’s car gets stuck in the mud AGAIN.
The comedy gods do not answer my call and they make it through. Although Richard growls like a mad man during the entire drive through the mud.
You can see Richard screaming from this shot and Joey pumping her arm. It must have broken the audio equipment inside of the vehicle.
That car is going to be filthy.
– Chris likes the way he built the giraffe feeder because he and Anastasia made it a two-person job. Jeff & Luke both have years of experience in carpentry, and finish really quickly.
– Chris & Anastasia and Jeff & Luke finish the Detour in third and fourth, respectively.
– Chris’ favourite moment was the flexibility. I wonder what was Anastasia’s favourite moment?
The nose sweat.
I am amazed Luke didn’t hit his elbow on the post.
– How does Chris react when he sees the Roadblock hint?
“Come at me, bro.”
– Jeff is not as enthusiastic.
JEFF: My turn?
“I could have sworn I did the last Roadblock.”
– We cut to Dave & Kelly at Smash.
They might be switching soon.
DAVE: The giraffes are coming for us stinky bacon how good is this?
I couldn’t have heard that right.
Alright. I listened to this soundbyte about ten times. This is my best guess as to what Dave was trying to say?
DAVE: The giraffes are coming over thinking “hey, how good is this?”
Or giraffes like stinky bacon. I don’t know.
. . .What?
– Dave says he was really close to the target several times. Over it. Underneath. The crowd “ooohs” and “aaaahs” after each throw.
“I much prefer boomerangs.”
You know you are close when neither drummer is laughing at you.
– They nearly switch tasks but Dave eventually lands a toss.
Hopefully Dave does not have an ill-timed leg cramp.
Dave receives high fives all around.
DAVE: ‘Who wants to take the plunge?’ I reckon this sounds like something I am going to hate for life. I will. I’ll do it, babe.
You know, Kelly -could- have done this, Dave.
– We cut to Mo & Mos building a giraffe feeder.
MO: How am I going to hold that -and- this?
Mo is not as flexible as Anastasia. Although he could try, I guess.
Mos tries his own technique.
It doesn’t quite work.
– There is non-stop bickering about Mo’s piece being able to stand up on its own.
MOS: It’s going to stand up by itself, come help.
MO: Yeah, I can see it is standing by itself, obviously.
– Mos thinks he has stabilized it, and they attempt to move it.
Back to the drawing board.
– Sam & Renae have a weird confessional.
SAM: We did alright. . .with the tools.
RENAE: . . .(giggles)
I don’t get it. Did something happen that we did not see on screen?
This is the only footage we see of Sam & Renae during the task.
– They receive their clue.
SAM: Who wants to take the plunge?
RENAE: You. Plunge.
Renae is not a big fan of heights, I gather?
– Richard is nailing a nail.
I would not advise doing this task with one arm, Richard.
– Joey keeps asking if Richard is okay as he repeatedly grunts.
Richard is scrambling for a new motivational phrase to keep him going.
Even babies don’t suck their thumb when it’s full of mud and blood.
Focus, believe, ableed.
– We cut to Dave & Kelly pulling over at the U-Turn board. For some reason, circus music is playing. This is bizarre.
Dave starts laughing.
DAVE: We don’t wish to U-Turn anybody today because. . .it’s been done for us!
Dave couldn’t be more giddy.
“Got your nose, Tyler.”
– Kelly appreciates the buffer and having more time up her sleeve.
The evil plan is coming together.
– We cut to a couple of giraffes playing.
I have heard of headbutting. . .
. . .but this is ridiculous.
Mo is more flexible than we thought.
– Mel instructs Alana how to hold up the posts.
ALANA: Sorry Dad. My dad is a builder, and my husband is a building designer and we STUFFED it up.
“I do construction about as well as I drive a manual.”
MEL: Hold your frame for a second.
“You mean take my hand off?”
MEL: Alana! I said ‘hold the frame’!
“Not ‘let go of it completely and make us start over!’”
– Richard & Joey argue.
JOEY: Can you put this in–
RICHARD: IT’S FINE! Let’s go to the other one–
RICHARD: Joey, can you–
JOEY: It’s not fine!
RICHARD: Bloody hell! You’re such a perfectionist sometimes, Joey!
Richard is ready to get somebody else’s blood on his hands.
JOEY: It’s not going in!
“That’s what she said!”
– I think Richard wants to nail a Joey moreso than nail a giraffe at this point.
RICHARD: You just gotta go with the fucking bloody flow sometimes!
JOEY: Babe. It wasn’t going in and it wasn’t going to stay. Now it’s fine where it is, it wasn‘t going in–
RICHARD: Alright, Joey! Far out.
– Richard doesn’t hit her, and they receive their clue.
Richard continues to suck his thumb.
– Who shall be doing the Roadblock?
“Me wantee Roadblock.”
The clue may as well have a middle finger on it.
– Richard & Joey speculate on the U-Turn.
RICHARD: I thought “we’ll be okay. It’s fine. Everybody is doing their own race. Who are we going to get U-Turned by?”
“The allies of the team who we tried to screw over at the end of the second round? Sam & Renae or Dave & Kelly who outright refused to work with us? Who would have any motive whatsoever to U-Turn us?”
This ain’t a Double U-Turn, Joey. No need to look through more pictures. It is time to re-focus, re-believe, and re-achieve.
JOEY: It’s a compliment. Those two are such a threat we feel the need to U-Turn them when they were number one and we were number ninth position.
Actually, you guys were in seventh. And I don’t think they are threatened by a team who has finished tenth then ninth over the first two legs.
I am curious how surprised Richard & Joey were when filming was over and they watched these early episodes on TV. Judging by the confessionals, they do not seem to be aware how much they rubbed teams the wrong way. They likely labelled their actions as being competitive while everyone else labelled it as over-the-top or personal.
They are also likely at the top of the food chain in their everyday life and not used to being in this trailing position in every round that there is not a Fast Forward. I doubt Richard is the guy in his crowd who would be the type to be accidentally nailing his own finger by accident.
Richard & Joey’s storyline is definitely an interesting one.
NOTE: This will be the only U-Turn on the race. That’s right. The Fast Forward, the U-Turn, and the Express Pass will be all done with by the midway point of episode four. What twist could they possibly have in the remaining seven episodes?
RICHARD: They’re all fake. They’re all f–king fake.
JOEY: They’re all fake.
RICHARD: The boys. They’re smart. Why are they U-Turning us? Because we want to win this game, and everyone knows we want to win the game. We’ll do anything to win the game, and they know that.
JOEY: Especially after I shaved my head.
RICHARD: You surfy beach bum from Bondi, bring it boys! I’ll take you down!
“Even DJ Khaled says we the best.”
– Tyler & Nathan are driving on the highway. Their peaceful ride is interrupted by a siren.
NATHAN: Are you kidding, dude?
TYLER: I wasn’t speeding.
If Tyler & Nathan are heavily penalized for speeding, this would be one of the biggest upset eliminations ever.
The PoPo is on their tail. Better pull over, boys.
TYLER: The cowboys.
NATHAN: Oh, dude. I thought that was for us.
You boys can hold back on charming your way out of the ticket.
– The cop car is trailing behind Matt & Tom.
“I’ve never seen a police car in my life! Usually they come by my farm on mounted horse!”
“Maybe it’s a road race he wants! A showdown like in the Old West!”
“We show no mercy.”
MATT: What’s the speed limit right now?
If your first question is “What’s the speed limit?” you might be speeding.
– Tyler & Nathan provide additional commentary.
TYLER: That’s heavy, bro. That’s so heavy.
Uh, thanks Tyler.
MATT: I don’t think we were even goin’ fast.
– The cop approaches Matt.
MATT: Here ya go, mate.
COP (flamboyant): Hello, hello, hello.
I bet this guy is just a TAR superfan and this was his chance to talk to the contestants. He saw the marked flags in the back.
– Commercial break. We resume as the whole scene is replayed.
COP: It’s okay. No problem. We have received complaints about driving too fast under the plates of this vehicle.
“We also had some reports of a couple dressed in yellow driving 105.”
COP: Please slow down a bit, okay?
MATT: No worries, mate.
COP: And please enjoy your wonderful stay.
“And does this mean I get to be on TV?”
“And knowing is half the battle!”
– Tom imitates the cop.
TOM: “We’ve had some complaints about this vehicle. . .driving fast.”
MATT: And away we went. Happy as Larry.
WHO THE HELL IS LARRY?!
Matt & Tom don’t know how to react to speaking with the most chill cop in TAR history.
– Alana & Mel finish the Detour in 8th.
MEL: Thank you, Giraffe Man.
I can’t wait for his inclusion in Mega Man 11.
MEL: Who wants to take the plunge?
Alana gets out of her third Roadblock in a row.
MEL: I have a feeling this is a big ass bungy jump. . .
MEL: . . .And I am PLUNGING!
“I am plunging even further than my neckline!
– Joey destroys their first target.
– Alana & Mel drive by the U-Turn board as rain starts coming down.
ALANA: We did not feel sorry for Richard & Joey.
“And I do not feel sorry for not having done a single Roadblock yet either.”
– Tyler & Nathan are first to the Roadblock. Chris & Anastasia are second.
That slogan sells itself.
Good luck, Nathan!
CHRIS: Boys, boys, boys.
. . .Chris likes the boys.
– Nathan says everything about the task is scary.
This is going to be a doozy, mate!
Nathan needs your support more than ever, Tyler.
TYLER: Look at how scared you are!
NATHAN: He sorta went about it the wrong way pumping me up.
– Tyler keeps making fun of Nathan the whole time.
Tyler will view this as a success if Nathan craps his pants.
Tyler can’t wait.
Nathan can, though.
He definitely can.
– Editors do a brilliant job here as they cut the background music. Normally this is the part where a racer screams at the top of their lungs.
The scream is coming.
. . .It’s coming. . .I think.
Nope. Still nothing.
“Huh. This is neat.”
– The only sound we hear is Tyler croaking as he watches Nathan jump, and the wind. Great job by the editors.
The pin dropping in my room is louder than Tyler & Nathan at the bungy jump task.
– Tyler says the instructors were asking each other if Nathan had fainted mid-jump. Nathan said he was too scared to squeal or scream.
But no, he is very much alive.
– Nathan’s first comment on the experience of being upside-down?
NATHAN: It feels like your eyeballs are going to pop out of your head.
What a lovely image, Nate.
– Nate reads they must drive to the small village of Nomathamsanqa, select a goat from a specific pen, and deliver it to a witch doctor known as a sangoma to receive their next clue.
You may or may not be allowed to drive 182 kilometres per hour here.
I will cut teams some slack if they cannot pronounce the name of this village.
Why are they showing a guy picking his nose?
“You’re more useful as a window rather than a door, Ted.”
After Joey stole his original one, this could be Mos’ lucky pen.
“Think about where you are taking me, Ethan and Lex!!!”
Do they do this every day?
Why are people repeatedly holding the clue by their fingertips?
– Richard clearly jacked some of Chris’ steroids.
RICHARD: YOU LITTLE PANSY BOY! C’MON!
I think he took more than the suggested dose.
Could you imagine if Richard played the Break the Targets minigame from Super Smash Bros. for the N64? He would lose his shit.
– Mo & Mos receive the clue in seventh place.
I thought for a second it was going to be a gun because Mo & Mos kept the giraffe ranger out in the rain for a long time.
Hang on. How are Mo & Mos seventh? The only team behind them is Richard & Joey. Editors don’t even care if the subtitle on screen is correct.
– Mo thanks Mos for agreeing to take the plunge.
– Chris takes it upon himself to make up for Nathan’s silence.
CHRIS: BRING IT ON!!!
Heh, he did Joe Swanson it after all!
Anastasia hopes Chris’ adrenaline levels will go down a bit before the pit stop.
CHRIS: You get that close to thinking “you are gonna die,” your body releases the most amazing chemicals. You can actually truly say you are alive.
I think Chris enjoyed it.
“Can I do it again?”
We get to glance at the clue.
– Tom prepares to do his Roadblock.
MATT: Give me your hat.
Unfortunately they won’t tape it down for him.
“I may as well be bungy jumping nude if I don’t have my hat!”
The most terrified person in this picture is probably the camera operator on the left. So fearless!
– Tom does a weird airswimming technique after he jumps.
He is like an aerial Michael Phelps.
“I reckon he thinks he’ll hit the water.”
*airswim airswim airswim*
– Tom eventually slows down. Not much screaming from him either.
– Matt & Tom exit the Roadblock in third. They leave ahead of Chris & Anastasia who ask for directions.
It seems to be going well.
MAN: You’ll see signs for Ato.
CHRIS: Ato’s right there?
ANASTASIA: But we’re not going to Ato–
CHRIS: Fantastic. Thank you very very much!
Or maybe not.
ANASTASIA: But it doesn’t say Ato.
CHRIS: That’s more specific.
It is subtle, but the man slowly backs out of the frame.
CHRIS: Ato is the second word meaning ‘suburb’. I don’t know why you’re arguing? Thank you.
“After that near death experience, my entire body feels more alive than that dim-witted brain of yours!”
– We cut to a confessional.
CHRIS: We’ve discussed about listening to each other, and trying to focus as a team, and I’m trying to do my best, you know?
Geez. They look like a defeated couple in marriage counseling.
CHRIS: I am doing my best to take her opinion seriously, and I know I am.
– Of course, the argument heats up.
ANASTASIA: The additional info says nothing about Ato.
CHRIS: Why are you arguing with me?! Why do you argue with me all the time?!
ANASTASIA: Go wherever you want. I don’t care.
CHRIS: Where would you like to go?!
ANASTASIA: Go wherever you like.
CHRIS: Why aren’t you happy with directions?!
ANASTASIA: OK, no problem.
Chris speaks with his hands like an Italian.
Anastasia speaks her enthusiasm for the directions with her body language.
– Richard starts yelling at the club.
RICHARD: THAT’S SUPPOSED TO GO ON THE BALL!
I love this.
Richard is shouting at an inanimate object. He is losing his mind. Fantastic.
Richard pouts and storms off.
They must have been out there a while.
– Joey says they hit the final pot three times but it wouldn’t fall down. She tosses the club once more and it connects.
“COME AT ME, BRO!”
Celebratory ass grab!
I really wish this season filmed in HD. This potato quality at times annoys me.
For some reason, the man behind them starts running wildly too.
– Richard keeps screaming as they run down the muddy road in the rain.
Is he going to keep screaming all the way to the car? This thumb-sucking bloody-fingered U-Turned bogged down man may very well do so.
– Tyler & Nathan and Matt & Tom arrive in the village.
NATHAN: We went to a town that was fifteen or twenty letters long.
It is thirteen letters long, Nathan. Some would say you have “nomathamaskills”.
Good luck going on vacation in Switzerland, Nate. Those town names can be a doozy.
I don’t think any of these goats have caught any waves, bro.
– We are treated to a montage of Nathan spanking the goat.
“This is sexual harassment!”
– The goat tries to retreat from Nathan.
“Not even Da’Vonne was hit this much! Who am I to this guy? Frank‘s nana?”
– Tyler says it was like dragging a train.
– Tom said the village was an eye-opener.
TOM: Lots of little streets, little humpies, and red dirt. County.
Hmmmm, indeed. That’s going to take time to decipher. I don’t think even Matt followed half of that description.
Are these a “humpy”?
Well, it turns out a humpy refers to an Aborigine hut or shelter. I would not have guessed that.
– Jeff is about to do the bungy jump. Luke talks about how he viewed his dad as Superman, and hopefully he has set the same example for his own son.
“There goes my hero! Watch him as he falls!”
The loudest Jeff will be on the entire race.
JEFF: You have got to do that. That’s the best thing I have ever done.
That’s right, Luke. You need to come back for another season and hope an identical Roadblock appears for you to do the super amazing awesome thing that your dad was able to do instead of you.
Producers were probably expecting a lot more conflict between Jeff and Luke heading into this season. Unfortunately, as a TV viewer, their ability to get along really well and be calm about it makes for super boring television, but I can’t help to appreciate that they both seem like extremely good-hearted folks.
– Jeff initially states that bungy jumping is the best thing he has ever done, but saves himself by saying Luke was the best thing he has ever done.
– Alana & Mel see a marked car ahead of them on the highway.
How did they get this shot?
Admitting is the first step, Alana.
– Mel scolds Alana for not following along on the map.
It is a bit hard when the map Alana has is the treasure chest map from the place mats at White Spot.
MEL: You would’ve known when we had to turn. No one else has had a problem with it.
ALANA: I did my best.
MEL: You’re the one who has to live with this.
ALANA: I know. I did my best.
MEL: Know that you failed us?
Alana isn’t to be blamed, though. She didn’t take one thousand lessons on how to read a map like she did with driving a standard.
– Dave is preparing to do the Roadblock. When he was in the army, he avoided jumping out of perfectly good airplanes.
And now he is avoiding listening to perfectly good safety instructions.
Deep breaths, my friend.
DAVE: I was scared. I don’t care who knows.
Don’t ask, don’t tell, Dave.
KELLY: Holy shitballs.
DAVE: HOLY GOD! HOLY GOD! HOLY GOD! OH, JESUS! OH GOD! CHRIST!
– He is pulled back up.
DAVE: I didn’t soil anything or lost my lunch or anything like that. That was all good.
KELLY: You’re alive?
DAVE: I think that’s one of the spookiest things I think I have ever done.
“Other than the time I saw that kangaroo beheading.”
He is still shaking.
– Chris & Anastasia arrive at the goat pen.
CHRIS: Help me corner him.
ANASTASIA: I’m scared of him.
“I get to go back to playing with my friends!”
– Anastasia says she doesn’t want to get too close to it.
Probably for a reason like this.
CHRIS: Gotcha, baby!
ANASTASIA: Okay. Let’s go.
Anastasia wants nothing to do with this task.
– Tyler & Nathan are first to the sangoma.
NATHAN: We took the bull by the horns, and just dragged the thing all the way up there.
It’s a goat. Not a bull.
Tyler & Nathan have spent too much time watching NBA with the Chicago Bulls to realize this is a goat. Also, I think this scene is not PETA approved.
Tyler & Nathan kneel before the sangoma.
“Please don’t push this into my eye.”
– The ceremony is over and they receive the clue. Tyler reads they must drive to the Addo Elephant National Park. It is home to nearly four hundred elephants.
“Houston, we have an elephant!”
It’s going to be really depressing when poachers are likely going to score four of these elephants.
Grant poses on the pit stop mat.
“Yeah! We’re going to see some elephants! You guys get to see elephants all of the time, right?”
– Matt & Tom are next to be welcomed by the sangoma.
Locals cast a suspicious eye on the Aussie farmers. They know they drove 182 on their highways.
– Chris tries to force Anastasia to grab a goat by its horns.
She agrees with a great deal of reluctance.
– Chris sees Matt & Tom drive by.
Anastasia’s response is appropriate.
– Sam is ready for the jump. Her fear is kicking in. She says if she were to bungy jump, she wants it to be “the highest of the highest of anything”.
Proper bungy jumping technique.
She isn’t even off of the platform yet.
She loses five points from the judges for going diagonal.
Maybe she is Lara Croft after all.
SAM: That was brutal. I feel like I wanna cry.
There’s no crying in bungy jumping.
– Alana & Mel somehow get to the Roadblock before Mo & Mos.
We are not told how it happened, but must accept that it did.
Meanwhile, Mel couldn’t be more terrified.
It’s like she is doing the Bungy YMCA.
Alana can barely contain herself.
MO: That was a long scream.
Mos’ nerves kicked up a notch.
MEL: Two hundred sixteen metres to the bottom. World’s highest bungy. I threw myself off that. *shivers*
ALANA: Would do it again?
What if it was the next Roadblock?
– Mel is back up on the bridge.
MEL: I swear to God if you get us lost one more time, I’ll throw you off this bridge.
Mel does her best Alicia Callaway-esque finger wag.
– Matt & Tom pull up to the park one car ahead of Tyler & Nathan.
MATT: I wonder if there is elephants in this joint?
Ummmmmm. . .did you need to ask?
Matt gloats at Tyler & Nathan. So much for Tyler & Nathan’s lead exiting the Roadblock.
– Both teams anticipate a foot race.
Tyler jumps out.
Both teams need their bags from the trunk.
Some are having more difficulty than others.
Go further, Tom.
And of course this is the part where we go to commercial.
– After a commercial break, we resume. Well, the first ten seconds is replayed again. Sigh.
So much for Nathan thinking he could easily beat Matt & Tom in a foot race.
Grant Bowler looks out in the distance having figured out the meaning of life.