The Amazing Race Australia 1 Episode 2 Rankings

Second episode

“The Chicken Bangers’ Ball”

(Episode Blog #275)

COUNTRIES VISITED

INDONESIA – VIETNAM – CHINA – SOUTH AFRICA – THE NETHERLANDS – CZECH REPUBLIC – POLAND – ISRAEL – SRI LANKA – SINGAPORE – AUSTRALIA

Previously on TAR Australia: Eleven teams of two set off from Melbourne on a race around the world. Ahead of them a journey of fifty thousand kilometres, four continents, and a world of uncertainty. For the pair with the right mix of strategy, skill, and teamwork, a quarter of a million dollars awaits.

On the first leg in Lombok, models Sam & Renae stayed ahead of the pact and won the Express Pass to bypass any challenge in the race. Coming in last, friends Mo & Mos escaped elimination.

Tonight, lovebirds Chris & Anastasia start to unravel. Big W workmates Tracy & Anne-Marie struggle in the mud, and in a tight race to the pit stop, one pair suffers the ultimate betrayal.

Eleven teams remain; who will be eliminated next?

– Intro time.

– Off the coast of Lombok, Indonesia, lie the Gilis–a small group of coral islands. Gili Trawangan, the largest of the three islands, was the first pit stop in a race around the world.

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This shot was approved by the Indonesia Tourism Board.

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Grant is looking like the rejected member of 98 Degrees.

– Grant recaps that Sam & Renae arrived in first at an undisclosed time.

***Flashback***

GRANT: Congratulations. You’ve done beautifully.

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Could you imagine Phil Keoghan saying that to a team? It wouldn’t happen. Phil never uses adverbs when speaking to a team. I think the furthest he has gone is “You won the leg despite having a Speed Bump!” or something like that.

– Sam & Renae depart first at 5:52am. Was the pit stop only twelve hours long?

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Sam reads they must fly to Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam.

TAR 3, TAR 15, and TAR Asia 4 have all already done a leg in Ho Chi Minh City previously. Considering this is the 23rd TAR season of my blog, it is neat to point out these various crossovers. Perhaps I should start linking my recaps to them at the end of each post?

– Once in Ho Chi Minh City, they must head to Ho Chi Minh Square where they must search amongst hundreds of women wearing the traditional non la hat to find the one woman who is holding a fan with their team name written on it. They will exchange this fan for their next clue.

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It would have been funnier if a woman was holding Justin from The Green Team rather than an actual fan.

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How are these women looking down at their fans while the insane Ho Chi Minh City traffic is all around them?

I can understand looking down if you are playing Pokemon Go on your smartphone, but this is ridiculous!

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Such a beautiful location.

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Unlike TAR US, TAR Australia goes from south to north rather than from east to west or vice versa.

– Sam & Renae read the additional info.

SAM: Teams may choose to exit Lombok by either plane or scheduled bus–this guy is fast!

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Sam gets distracted easily. Hopefully she does not stop reading a clue right before there is a critical game-changing piece of information on it.

RENAE: You’re the bomb.

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He is the bomb????

Sorry Jackie, but this isn’t even Aussie slang. Better luck next time, pal.

– Sam & Renae enter a travel agency.

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Given his receding hair line, they will need to be careful with what this guy tells them as he is likely entering a midlife crisis.

– Sam & Renae launch into a confessional about how modeling makes them extremely competitive, and the Express Pass puts a huge target on their back.

– Dave & Kelly begin in second at 6:12am. They ask random locals for the best way to get to Bali.

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Kelly is not involved in the conversation.

– Rebel Wilson’s siblings, Ryot & Liberty leave at 6:23am. Yes, I knew they were Rebel Wilson’s siblings during the previous blog–I just couldn’t come up with any good Rebel Wislon jokes. Thanks to the twenty people who messaged me to inform me of this fact, though.

LIBERTY: Whatever happens on this race, nothing is going to come between us.

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Except for who inherits Rebel Wilson’s assets and mansion after she dies from a drug overdose in a Santa Monica hotel suite.

– Liberty claims pulling each other up has worked for them thus far and will keep it up.

– Ryot & Liberty enter the same travel agency as Sam & Renae. Sam finds three connecting flights to Ho Chi Minh City.

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This week’s superfan credit card fraud attempt is against Sam Schoers. The editors are being reckless!

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“Peace out, Denpasar!”

– Ryot puts in a lot of effort to find the best flight to Ho Chi Minh City.

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Oh. Nevermind.

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Not only are Ryot & Liberty choosing the same flight as Sam & Renae, but they also choose to wear the exact same shirt. Except Ryot’s is salmon.

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Although this shot clearly indicates both are wearing pink. Sorry, Ryot.

– Liberty Wilson awaits confirmation for her flight.

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Fingers crossed she is allowed to take her beagle onto the plane.

– Four teams are shown checking out in a row. Jeff & Luke at 7:16am; Matt & Tom at 7:18am; Tyler & Nathan at 7:21am; Chris & Anastasia at 7:30am.

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Chris’ bicep is absurd.

– They all board a speed boat to Denpasar airport with Dave & Kelly. They are divided between two boats. Somehow Matt & Tom and Chris & Anastasia move faster than Jeff & Luke, Tyler & Nathan and Dave & Kelly.

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“Haha!”

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“Screw you, bitches!”

– Dave takes it one step further.

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DAVE: Hey Muscles!

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DAVE: Heheheheh!

What happened to their friendly airport banter at the beginning?

– We head into a confessional where Dave has not so kind words for Chris.

DAVE: Chris doesn’t do it for me. He doesn’t give Nat credit for anything at all and just walks all over her. He can lift heavy things but I doubt very much he could spell ‘things’.

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Wow.

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Kelly was not expecting this Chris roast.

This is very interesting that Dave is making this bold of a statement after either the first or second pit stop. The incident of Chris yelling at Anastasia in the first round didn’t occur with any of the other teams around.

If Dave and other teams were picking up on this at the start of the season just from their limited time spent with Chris & Anastasia, just imagine what their reaction at home was when watching the first episode.

For any contestants reading this, I am very curious to learn what incident Dave is referring to in this confessional. It makes me wonder if TAR Aus ignores TAR US’ post-TAR 13 rule of sequestering teams from one another at the pit stop.

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“Thanks, guys.”

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DAVE: HAHAHAHA. White trash.

– Ryot tells us they are on the same flight as Sam & Renae. Liberty states she did research flights through China.

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In the meantime, Renae has to listen to all of the gossip Ryot & Liberty heard second hand from the set of Bridesmaids.

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“Really? Judd Apatow is kind of a dick in person? Please tell me all about this. I am so intrigued of how you met him in person.”

– Alana & Mel depart in eighth at 8:06am.

MEL: We haven’t fought yet, but I think we will fight when one of us stuffs up as an individual.

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MEL: If you do a poo job at something, I will be–
ALANA: But what if I’m trying–

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ALANA: It’s fine. I wouldn’t put that pressure on you.
MEL: Trying is not good enough.

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Do you hear that, Mika?

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“But all I can do is tryyyyyyy.”

MEL: Man, if we have to climb a mountain, you’re going to have to pull me up.

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It is either that or you get eaten alive by the Hand Monster, Alana.

– Anne-Marie & Tracy commence in ninth at 8:15am.

TRACY: We’re just enjoying it. We’re not models. We’re not runners. We’re not sports people. We’re just two average workin’ ladies working at BW doing our thing.

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They’re not climbers either.

– Speaking of sports people, we transition into Richard & Joey departing at 8:22am.

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And they let you know as Richard wears a Nike hat and a muscle shirt, and Joey has a bandana around her head. They couldn’t be more of a contrast to Anne-Marie & Tracy.

RICHARD: Ho Chi Mitch City.

Where did the ‘ch’ sound in Minh come from?

– Joey roars ‘Naaam’ when she sees Vietnam in the clue.

JOEY: We play hard. We make decisions that are hard.

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“We suck things that are hard. Everything in our life is hard!”

– Joey wants to do what it takes to be here, and Richard is confident they will stay.

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The guy on the left isn’t even helping. His buddy on the right has a strained face for a reason.

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He can relax now.

– Richard & Joey and Anne-Marie & Tracy are on the same fast boat to Denpasar.

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Richard hopes there are no more boats once they enter Vietnam.

– Mo & Mos bring up the rear at 8:24am. They missed the previous boat by two minutes at the most. Harsh.

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Probably because they chose to do this.

MO: I believe the other teams think because we are fat we won’t be able to run, and b) because we are Muslim we are going to have a tough time getting on planes.

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Mo is here to show Muslims can get on planes. . .however, he may have to go through a record-breaking of airport cavity searches to prove this fact. By the way, you haven’t seen a fat racer until you watch the American version, guys.

MO: I don’t think that’s the case. I reckon we’ll have the advantage. I don’t know how, but I look at it as a positive.

Advantage = Being marked for elimination on the second leg of the race. The team who has been marked for elimination in TAR US and TAR Asia has been eliminated eleven out of thirteen times–one of those being spared was due to David & Mary’s Fast Forward.

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Happier times for David & Mary. Can you believe they split up nearly ten years later?

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Who is their taxi driver? He looks familiar.

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So this is what Apolo Anton Ohno has been up to after his Olympic career.

– Grant informs us everyone except Ryot & Liberty and Sam & Renae are on a boat to Denpasar airport. We see teams taking a cab to the airport–I guess the boat couldn’t directly dock there.

TYLER: I am stoked to be on The Amazing Race Australia.
NATHAN: Who gets to travel around the world for free and see all these places?

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Around the world for free? Man. What a concept that would be. I guess The Amazing Race is the only opportunity where you get to do that!

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Oh wait.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Around_the_World_for_Free

Sorry Nathan, but I am too much of a smartass to treat your remark as a rhetorical question.

– Luke comments on Jeff’s age.

LUKE: Dad is sixty. Not that anyone realizes he is sixty due to his level of fitness.

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Or his badass ascot.

– Jeff considers this to be the ultimate adventure.

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We haven’t had the most compelling content from Jeff & Luke so far.

Granted, look at the teams they are up against this season. If they were on the current American season of Survivor, they would have a shot at being top tier characters. But hey, Aussies know how to find interesting people.

– Matt & Tom enter a travel agency. It is time to discover how oblivious Matt & Tom are when it comes to travel.

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Prepare the Aqua Bus, boys!

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“Are these Cowboys trolling me?”

The agent must be cursing under his breath in the local language.

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I can assure you there is no trolling here.

– We are reminded that neither of them have traveled overseas. They ask if there is also a flight, and book a 6:05pm flight.

– Richard & Joey borrow a cell phone in a cab to try a variety of options. Meanwhile, Anne-Marie & Tracy show off their flash cards for when they travel.

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Airport.

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Follow you.

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Game. Game. Game.

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We are lost. We do not know which way to go.

TRACY: This could help us in Vietnam.

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I would laugh so hard if SOS stands for SOcialiSt or something like that in Vietnamese.

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Game. Game. Game.

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TRACY: Toilet. Very very important.

And yes, the almighty toilet.

We repeatedly cut back and forth between the flashcards and Richard & Joey. I can’t believe the team talking about flash card toilets is the very team Richard & Joey are afraid of after the first round.

–  Jeff & Luke and Chris & Anastasia join Matt & Tom to book the same 6:05pm flight to Ho Chi Minh City.

– Dave & Kelly are trying to book a flight directly at the airport.

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Dave is on a mission.

– Tyler & Nathan are at the same counter with them.

DAVE: Don’t care if I have to fly through the South Pole, man.

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“Oh, you’re even willing to fly through the South Pole? Because our ultra popular Amundsen Airlines has a flight leaving for Ho Chi Minh City twice per day!

– The agent tells them today’s flights are full.

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DAVE: Not having any control over your life? It sucks. Big time.

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DAVE: Well that’s a lot of fun.

It looks like half of the teams will be separated from the other teams by nearly a day.

– Richard & Joey arrive at the airport. Do you want a sign that Americans typically clog airports worldwide?

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Because they have a freakin’ Dunkin’ Donuts. Not even Canada has Dunkin Donuts (well, not any place I have been to, anyway).

– The other teams ask Richard & Joey if they have found a flight. Richard states the game has changed. They have a plan.

JOEY: We need to wait until they are in the total clear and they can’t see us then we’ll sneak into domestic.

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Who the hell do you think you are?

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Charla & Mirna?

– Richard & Joey wait.

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“We will leave once our camera operator stops filming Dave.”

– Joey repeats they need to be low key.

– Chris & Anastasia are at another ticket counter. How long until the next flight?

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Ouch. Make that a 22 hour setback.

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CHRIS: What’s your problem?

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CHRIS: SO WHAT?!

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CHRIS: TALK TO ME!

She is, Chris. Anastasia just stated she wants to check flights to Darwin.

– We cut to a pre-season confessional.

CHRIS: It’s one of those relationships where it is like four seasons in one day. It’s up and down very quickly.

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Happier times for Anastasia.

ANASTASIA: Nothing could get test our relationship like The Amazing Race would.

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Anastasia is certainly going to get her wish.

– Chris pesters Anastasia.

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“Are you having a laugh? Is she having a laugh?”

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I should note we cannot hear Anastasia laughing.

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chi-minh-chris-anastasia-10Uh oh. Chris is telling his girlfriend that she shouldn’t talk. If this scene aired in 2016, Chris would be crucified ten times more by the media.

By the way, why shouldn’t Anastasia talk?

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Oh my.

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Only Lake could get away with something like that. “Don’t be an idiot now!”

And Lake only gets away with that because he and Michelle were already married for ten years, and it is tough to take a male nurse seriously.

But man, a newly dating couple pondering if they should take the next step will likely not survive a fight like this.

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ANASTASIA: I don’t appreciate being called an idiot.

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CHRIS: You’re making a scene.

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ANASTASIA: Yeah, I am making a scene.

chi-minh-chris-pselletes-1CHRIS: Fine. If you act like one, then you’re gonna be called like one. Now come on.

That’s not exactly the best segue into inviting her to keep up with you, Chris.

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I mean, you are already on the borderline of leaving make-up sex territory if you keep this up much longer. You are playing with fire, Chris.

And knowing the brutal effects of roids, the progressively reduced “performance” probably results in make-up sex being less and less of a viable option.

CHRIS: K?

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ANASTASIA: I want you to apologize. I want you to apologize.

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She is giving you an easy out.

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CHRIS: Are you kidding? Wake up to yourself. Is this normal?

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“Think rationally, woman.”

ANASTASIA: I want you to be sorry.

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She just wants you to apologize, Chris.

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It’s not like she is asking for the Jesse Jackson Apology from South Park.

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“Apologiiiize. Kiss it.”

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“All I did was call you an evil woman and an idiot. Now, get over yourself and walk with me.”

ANASTASIA: Okay. You can keep walking. Just know I am not going anywhere.

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She has forced your hand.

– Commercial break. We resume. The fight is replayed. Anastasia says they both have strong opinions which can occasionally clash.

CHRIS: She is driven by her own imagination; I am driven more by rationality.

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You just called her an evil woman and an idiot–she didn’t call you anything! You’re the one refusing to apologize. Jesus.

CHRIS: Ninety percent of my stress is you and ten percent is this airport.
ANASTASIA: Really?
CHRIS: Yeah, I am serious. You’re not thinking straight.

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Oh my god. This fight is still going.

– The best part is coming up. Remember how Chris tends to sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger whenever he gets angry? And especially last week when he nearly quoted Ahnold? Well, Chris does it again.

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YOU LACK DISCIPLINE!!!

I can’t believe it. Chris just f–king quoted Kindergarten Cop with a straight face.

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“And you don’t need to quote Kindergarten Cop either.”

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SHUT UUUUUUUP!

– We cut to a confessional.

ANASTASIA: We probably fight a lot more than the other teams, but um, I don’t think it’s that bad, do you?

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“Is it, Chris?”

CHRIS: I don’t think it’s that bad at all.

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“Only when you’re on your period.”

Geez. The way they talk in the really high tone and cozy up makes me think they are about to have sex any second during the confessional. Producers have no choice but to watch.

– We head back to the present.

ANASTASIA: I swear to god I am going to stop right here!
CHRIS: I’m explaining to you!
ANASTASIA: You’re not explaining anything!

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“You’re mansplaining!”

ANASTASIA: So you don’t want to go try Darwin?

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Ride me, ladies.

CHRIS: If we get a flight through Darwin tonight, there won’t be a flight til tomorrow morning and it won’t be there it’ll be one o’ clock anyway.

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Chris has toned down his Ahnold tone a bit.

– We get one more confessional from Anastasia.

ANASTASIA: I said to Chris, ‘you know, I like to give my opinion, but finally I want the final call to be yours.’ I think that works well with relationships.

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Oh boy. This quote is not going to go over well with the audience. I can picture how the audience reacted after this episode.

ANASTASIA: You know, the man feels better about himself as well, obviously.

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“Especially when his member has shrunk due to years of steroid use.”

– Does Chris do his part in making the woman feel better about herself?

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Wow. For anyone criticized Jonathan Baker or Colin Guinn for not treating women well. . .Chris takes it to a whole new level.

And if Chris wants to date women who were around before Anastasia and possess proper values. . .

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He can always try hitting on Anne-Marie or Tracy. Back when a woman didn’t pull all of this millennial bullshit!

 

– Anne-Marie & Tracy enter an Internet cafe. They encounter an employee.

TRACY: Are you boys good at this?

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They were tortoises when it comes to using travel websites.

TRACY: We’ve never booked anything online before.
ANNE-MARIE: No. It’s a first.

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“We both still have dial-up.”

TRACY: We did lots of firsts.
ANNE-MARIE: Lots of firsts.

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Tune in next week when Tracy opens a Twitter account.

– Dave & Kelly use a kiosk to print out their Air Asia ticket.

DAVE: It’s so much less confusing when someone else is doing it.

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Do Australians never leave their island?

– Chris & Anastasia work out the best route to Ho Chi Minh City.

– Ryot & Liberty and Sam & Renae are flying from Lombok to connect with Chris & Anastasia in Denpasar. It shall arrive in Ho Chi Minh City at 12:30pm.

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I love the visual cues.

– All remaining teams are on three separate flights due to arrive in Ho Chi Minh City at 3:30pm, 4:20pm, and 6:15pm.

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We don’t know who is on which flight, but we sure love this colourful diagram.

12:30PM

Ryot & Liberty
Chris & Anastasia
Sam & Renae

– All jump into cabs. Sam asks what a non la is.

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“A non la is somebody not from Los Angeles.”

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Sam’s shirt matches the French poster. Apparently the French language still has a stranglehold in Vietnamese culture.

– Sam comments on the seventy beautiful women in dresses, hats, and fans.

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Seventy fans? That’s the same number of fans they had for The Big Adventure.

– Sam checks out the fans for her name.

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“Sam,

The girls are voting for you. Vote Parvati. Use the idol to save yourself.

BFFs forever,

xoxo JT”

– Chris & Anastasia are second to the square. They start scanning fans.

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Good luck crossing the street!

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“Look at what the humidity is doing to my hair!”

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Anastasia looks like freakin’ Godzilla compared to the Vietnamese women at this angle.

– Chris insists he sees writing on one of the fans.

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The humidity may have made Chris delusional.

– Sam & Renae do not find any women holding a fan with their name on it. They attempt to look for more women on the other side of the street.

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The trailing flights may catch up if Sam & Renae do not start a brave run across the intersection.

– Ryot & Liberty are third to the square. Sam suddenly discovers the secret to the task.

SAM: Oh my god! Renae! Look!

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Hold on tight to your non las, Sam has made a discovery.

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SAM: You need to get them to open it all the way up!

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Oh snap!

– It is Chris & Anastasia’s fan (Sam probably noticed because of Anastasia’s long ass name. She tells the woman to walk away from her in the opposite direction.

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Her non la comes off as she cannot believe her ears.

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“Hey, we weren’t allowed to sabotage other teams during a task. Why do the Aussies get a pass?”

Good point. There are typically rules against tampering with another team’s progress at a task. What makes this situation unique is that the task is dependent upon finding another human–it is entirely up to the human to assist/sabotage a team rather than in an inanimate object in a box that Mark & Michael can tamper with in Thailand.

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“If you get a whiff of HGH, run for your life!”

SAM: Then we saw everyone else’s names but ours.

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“There was even a fan that had Shahla & Nabeela’s names on it. That’s how bad our luck was.”

– It is a showdown between Sam & Renae and Chris & Anastasia as they check out every fan on the block.

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Success!

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“Yay!”

– Sam immediately blows air kisses to the non la lady.

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Muah muah muah.

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The non la lady grabs the sides of her face as if she is blushing. Oh gosh.

– Sam & Renae receive their next clue. You see, if this were TAR US or TAR Canada from 2008 to the present, they would keep exploring Ho Chi Minh City or a nearby city. Since eight teams haven’t even landed in Ho Chi Minh City, Sam & Renae will likely cruise to another victory.

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But this is TAR Australia. Sam is disappointed.

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They have to fly to Hue.

flo breaks down on leg 13

“They get to fly from Ho Chi Minh to Hue while I have to take a 24 hour train? That’s not fair. Zaaaaaaach.

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“We have to take a bus from Ho Chi Minh to Hue. Pailin, I quit.”

TAR US and TAR Asia producers were too cheap to put teams on a nice plane to Hue.  TAR Australia caters to their cast and crew in style.

– Yes, teams do indeed get to fly to Hue and must find their next clue at the Tran Than Mai Garage.

NOTE: Grant pronounces the word ‘garage’ weird. He says it as if it is ‘Gay Raj’ as opposed to ‘Guh Raj’.

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I should note that the flag for this leg is identical to the logo for TAR Central America due to TAR’s typical flags being too similar to Vietnam’s national flag.

It made me think that it would be hilarious if each leg of the race used a different set of coloured flags. Of course, this would not hinder my podcasting co-host Michael Harmstone who is colour blind, but I bet other teams would be driven nuts by it.

– Chris & Anastasia are second to find their fan.

ANASTASIA: Fly to Who, Vietnam.

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Who, Vietnam? That sounds like a Dr. Seuss city.

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Although the dark history where the CommWhunists ambushed dozens of AmWhereicans in the village is not one of Dr. Seuss’ most family-friendly books.

CHRIS: We’re going back to the airport.

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Back to the airport for Anastasia? She will not appreciate being called an idiot again.

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“What do you mean ‘are our hands bigger than our face'”?

– Ryot & Liberty take a casual stroll through the streets.

RYOT: It can’t be that difficult.
LIBERTY: Obviously it is.
RYOT: I think we’ve overthought it.

– Ryot & Liberty admit they are studying the intricacies on the fans thinking their names could be written in Vietnamese.

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It’s a 3-D picture. Just look past it, guys.

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“Maybe we should stand really far back–our names could be written in ASCII art.”

– Ryot & Liberty eventually find the correct fan.

LIBERTY: Open that! Oh my god! Woo-hoo!

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Liberty does a full-on Homer Simpson cheer.

LIBERTY: How stupid do we look?

Don’t answer that, Ryot.

– Liberty opens the clue.

LIBERTY: What? Fly to Who, Vietnam?

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“Why? When? Right now?”

– Ryot says it took them longer than it should have. They will need to catch another break by last leg and hope their worst performance comes early in the episode rather than at the end. So far their hopes are holding up.

– Sam & Renae return to the same airport where they landed just a couple hours earlier. It is the second airport scramble in less than thirteen minutes. Chris & Anastasia book a flight without incident. So do Ryot & Liberty.

RYOT: Two tickets to Ho?

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Prostitution is highly illegal in Vietnam. Ryot & Liberty may not even make it onto their plane.

– The second plane lands at 3:30pm.
SECOND PLANE: TYLER & NATHAN; MO & MOS; ALANA & MEL

– Tyler and Mel both comment on the large number of scooters on the road. The topical rain is coming down.

ALANA: So hoping we can pull through and not get eliminated.
MEL: Believe it, sister. Get your game face on. It’s happening.

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Where’s your god damn game face, Alana?

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That’s not quite it.

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There we go. That’s a game face right there.

– Alana & Mel and Tyler & Nathan agree to work together. Mo & Mos are there too.

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Alana is the only one who came prepared with a rain poncho.

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Oh, Mos. I am surprised he isn’t getting a penalty for this.

NATHAN: Girls you get this side, Tyler you got middles, and I got this.

Tyler get middles? Did a dingo also eat his baby? Geez.

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Mos is on a mission as he busts his way through Mo and the two women.

– Mel asks one of the non la ladies to turn around and show Mel her fan.

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This has to be the least efficient strategy I have seen when teams align. They could be covering a lot more ground.

– Alana & Mel and Nathan wonder if it is in Vietnamese. Tyler is getting frustrated.

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A local is instructed to spell ‘Alana’ in Vietnamese. He quickly gives up.

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“I really hope our names are not written in red ink.”

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“This is like Mardi Gras but without the beads.”

– Alana & Mel find theirs.

MEL: Another flight!

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You can take your game face off, Alana. It won’t be needed again for a while.

***
MEL: We’ve been in Ho Chi Minh City for thirty minutes and we’re flying again!

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“How was my trip to Ho Chi Minh? Well, I got to see two city blocks before heading back to the airport.”

– Tyler & Nathan start begging the women to tell them where their fans are.

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“Excuse me little girl. . .”

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“Talk to the hand because the non la doesn’t want to listen.”

We now cut to TAR Asia 2’s Malaysians Pamela & Vanessa watching The Amazing Race Australia.

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“Look at those hats! Oh la la, we need to buy a non la, la.”

– Mos thinks he needs to find a yellow fan. Does their theory pan out?

MO: Hey you! Lady!

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Politeness goes out the window when you have checked tens of fans.

MO: We got it! Touch touch touch!

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Mos is shocked that his yellow fan theory turned out to be true.

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Mos slaps Mo silly.

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However, Mos offers up a kiss to the lady.

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Nathan’s poncho is ready to take on these three women.

– One of them reveals their names on the fan.

NATHAN: I gave her a big old hug. I don’t know if that was culturally the best thing to do.

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“Who wants to be covered in wet plastic poncho?”

– Mo rejoins Mos to read their clue.

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Whoa! Easy there, Mo!

MOS: Fly to Huey, Vietnam.

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With a connecting flight in either Duey or Luey.

–  Third flight lands in Ho Chi Minh City at 4:20pm. Only Dave & Kelly were on it as they enter a cab.

DAVE: I reckon we’re pretty far back in the scheme of things. I’ll probably crack the sads if we lose.

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On the bright side, Dave & Kelly will find plenty of new biker friends in Ho Chi Minh City. They’ll be the most popular Aussies in town.

– We cut to the Ho Chi Minh City airport.

ANNOUNCER: Attention please.

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“Will the Real Pink Shady please stand up? Uh oh, we’re going to have a problem here.”

I love the disgruntled British woman from the 1950s who is sitting with them.

– Ryot has only one request.

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With a couple of teams not having arrived in Ho Chi Minh airport yet, Ryot & Liberty and Sam & Renae are desperate to hold onto this lead.

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Well, that’s one way to trigger an equalizer.

SAM: Why?

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You mean that tropical rainstorm that Vietnam gets every single day is enough to cancel a flight?

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I have a feeling this might be Zanzibar all over again where production couldn’t handle teams being more than 24 hours apart.

– Chris & Anastasia magically appear there as well.

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Anastasia didn’t want to go to Hue, anyway.

– Mo & Mos, Nathan & Tyler, and Alana & Mel are at the airport.

– Dave & Kelly search through the fans.

KELLY: A couple of shady characters I believe.

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They’re hiding something. . .like our names.

– Dave & Kelly start yelling in frustration.

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They are embarking on crazier antics in Vietnam than Robin Williams.

– Commercial break. We resume with Kelly’s repeated phrase about the shady characters.

KELLY: They weren’t quite opening their fans all the way. They were being a bit sneaky.

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Those sneaky Vietnamese.

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Don’t worry Dave & Kelly, this is a Vietnamese woman you can trust.

– It is clearly night time, and Kelly reads that there is another flight.

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Kelly could not be happier to escape those untrustworthy non la wearing women.

– The last plane arrives in Ho Chi Minh City at 6:15pm.

MATT & TOM; RICHARD & JOEY; ANNE-MARIE & TRACY; JEFF & LUKE

How did Mo & Mos climb up to the second flight? Interesting.

– I love seeing teams thinking they are in a mad dash to avoid last when the audience knows everybody is going to be tied up again in just a few short minutes.

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Tom, the country boy who sees more cattle, horses, and barley than he does people in his everyday life, contemplates this move.

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Travelling abroad for three months is not in Matt’s future.

chi-minh-matt-tom-2“On second thought, why did I sign up for this race?”

MATT: We’re not in Australia anymore, Toto.

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An Australian farmer/cowboy quoting The Wizard of Oz is not something I expected.

– Anne-Marie & Tracy and Richard & Joey are on site. So are Jeff & Luke and Matt & Tom.

JOEY: Miss Saigon! Joey and Rich! Miss Saigon!

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“I wonder if they will have ‘Focus-Believe-Achieve’ written in Vietnamese on our fan?”

– Guess which team is the first of these four to find their fan?

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Anne-Marie breaks out in her trademark laugh. In fact, they are both laughing so much that the entire city of Ho Chi Minh knows they have the clue.

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I love how Anne-Marie & Tracy continue to beat Richard & Joey at every corner.

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Not last.

– Jeff & Luke have a much milder reaction when they find their fan.

JEFF: Yes.
LUKE: Yes. This is us.

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I guess it is too much to expect Jeff & Luke to react like a pair of middle-aged department store cashiers.

– Matt & Tom show more energy as they snag their clue in tenth place. Jeff & Luke grab a cab.

LUKE: To domestic!
TAXI DRIVER (like he has been stabbed): YEAH! OKAY!
JEFF: Fast! Fast! We give you hundred and tip.

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“I AM THE BEST MOTHERFUCKING TAXI DRIVER YOU’VE EVER SEEN! I EAT SMALL CAB COMPANIES AND SIDE ROADS FOR BREAKFAST!

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“Okay. We get it.”

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You can’t say he doesn’t love his job.

– Richard & Joey have their fan and open the clue in last place.

– Jeff & Luke and Matt & Tom are in the same lineup.

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Jeff is playing the plane game already.

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The lady isn’t as excited about her job as the taxi driver is about his.

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Richard & Joey arrive at the airport so late that there isn’t even any dong available for the rest of the evening.

– Who is not thrilled about this mass equalizer?

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There was a time when that thirty minute penalty looked like a sure thing to survive just a few hours ago.

– Grant informs us that all eleven teams are on the same flight to Hue. For those of you who skipped the first twenty-three minutes of this episode, you made a wise decision.

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Unlike Jeff’s decision for that silly-looking scarf/tie/whatever the hell that is that he is wearing.

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I would change shirts with a different motto after being in last for 1.5 legs straight thus far, personally.

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Everyone shares the same red line to Ho Chi Minh City.

– It is pouring rain when everyone enters Hue. The area is pitch black too.

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“Where you at, mate?”
“Take a right-o.”

– The garage must have been in walking distance from the airport as nobody is seen entering a taxi. They all drift to the garage at roughly the same time.

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An equalizer followed by another equalizer. I am sure teams didn’t want to do a task involving mechanical repairs in the middle of the night.

– We cut to 8:00am.

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Dave instantly regrets being first to the clue box.

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And you thought Sri Lankan Tuk-Tuk Gang Bang was tough to watch in TAR 24.

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Joey is on the verge of dislocating her shoulder.

– They must choose an ex-army vehicle and driver then replace the tires and change the oil before receiving their next clue.

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Not it.

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It is not even a tire change–there’s not even a tire on there in the first place!

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I would not expect him to be the guy overseeing a lot full of army vehicles.

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The biker is loving this challenge.

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The alpha male uses this as an excuse to kick things.

– One team may be struggling with this task.

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The tortoises have to put a warthog together.

TRACY: When we saw those jeeps, we were like ‘Are you kidding me? That’s what mechanics are for!’
ANNE-MARIE: I don’t know how to change a tire or check my oil. I don’t do things like that.

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Anne-Marie is stumped.

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Anne-Marie has crushed her fingers .2 seconds into the task. Shake it out, Anne.

– Chris is coaching Anastasia. Renae gives Sam a full set of instructions on what to do.

hue-sam-schoers-2Sam & Renae were likely hoping the car mechanic task would be reserved near the end of the season to boost them into the finale.

TOM: Gotta get it as tight as he wants ’em.

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“Is this tight enough for you? Is this tight enough for you? You like it, don’t cha!”

– We cut to a confessional.

MATT: I don’t say we’re mechanics–we’re mugchanics.

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I hate it when I don’t understand the punchline because it incorporates Aussie slang.

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Since when did Matt get a Hitler moustache, though?

– Luke instantly KOs the oil because he knows it takes a while for it to come out. Solid plan, Luke.

– Mo admits he has never changed oil or a tire.

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They are probably more familiar with planes rather than cars.

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This is not Mo’s idea of fun. It is not the Mo Fun Zone.

MOS: We’re going to start up our own mechanic shop. It might be a bit dodgy.

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-Might- be a bit dodgy, Mos?

– Dave is throwing things left and right under the car.

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Dave throws it with reckless abandon. . .like a boss!

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KELLY: Dave was excellent. That’s what you get for being a young hoon in the day, you see.

WHAT THE FUCK IS A HOON?!

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“I’m the hooniest hoon. Believe dat!”

I need to look this up.

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Dave Miller: The Hoon of Hue. Say that ten times fast.

Hoon of Hue. Hoon of Hue. Hoon of Hue. Hoon of Fay. Hoon of Fey.

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Hoon of Tina Fey.

– Richard & Joey are focusing on arguing.

RICHARD: Do you understand what I am doing?!

– A team that is equally struggling is none other than their rivals.

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Tracy tries operating a jack for the first time.

ANNE-MARIE: Tracy! Other way! Tracy! Other way!
*clunk*

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Uh oh.

TRACY: Ow! That really hurt my head!

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Who knew one could get a mild concussion from accidentally “jack”ing off.

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Jack on.

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Jack off.

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And that’s how Miyagi got arrested.

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Renae is in her element.

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Unlike a certain other all-female team who had to do this identical task in TAR Asia 3.

Thankfully, this is the only overlap with the TAR Asia 3 leg in Hue unlike the replay we saw with TAR Asia 4’s Lombok in the season premiere.

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I love this camera angle of Richard yelling at Joey.

– Jeff & Luke ask for an inspection.

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It’s good. . .I think.

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Jeff & Luke are currently in first just like that.

– It’s a Detour. Carry Fowl or Carabao.

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Grant is more than ready to explain the two tasks.

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How did he manage to avoid the rain?

GRANT: In Carry Fowl, teams must travel to Bang Chicken Farm.

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No. No. This can’t be real. The Bang Chicken Farm? Are you serious? I wonder how much dong you need to see the cocks inside the Bang Farm? Dear Lord.

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If you already have the dong, you may as well get the eggs.

– Tell us what teams need to do at the Bang Chicken Farm, Grant.

GRANT: Collect twenty chickens and transport them in a traditional Dong Guard.

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I just watched the fourth season of TAR Canada. Can’t we take a rest from the dong jokes, everybody?

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“Keep banging that chicken.”

At least we know where this expression comes from.

– In Carabao, teams must steer a carabao water buffalo and its plough through a marked rice field.

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I thought this was reserved strictly for legs in the Philippines (TAR Asia 2 for carabao, TAR 5 and TAR 25 for broken oxen).

– They must keep directing the carabao until the plough digs up a race flag in the field which can be exchanged for their next clue.

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That toque looks like it is from Canada.

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By the way, we need French Born Aurelia to direct the carabao once more.

– Jeff & Luke choose Carabao.

– Mel is “under the bonnet”, as Aussies like to say.

MEL: I rammed myself under that car and drained that oil.

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I think Mel over-dramatized it just a little bit.

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Uh oh! Luckily Mel doesn’t get blinded by oil.

– Anastasia tries to calm down Chris as he is impatient waiting for the oil to drain.

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Chris holding a wrench sounds like the beginning of the next Clue mystery.

Meanwhile, who is having more fun with this task than anyone else?

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I have never seen anybody have such a good time draining oil.

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Gotta wash that mud off with some oil.

– Dave & Kelly are third to complete the task followed by Tyler & Nathan.

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DAVE: Carry Fowl or cara. . .bayo?

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Bayo?

– Tyler & Nathan choose Carry Fowl.

DAVE: Want to do the chucks?

Thanks to Dave using this word in the first episode, I know ‘chucks’ is Aussie slang for chickens.

– Sam & Renae are having trouble. Renae tells us she started putting the nuts on the wrong way.

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“Isn’t Wednesday Opposite Day?”

The mechanic does not speak English, and starts getting furious with Renae. His hands twitch everywhere.

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En garde!

– Sam has to lecture her friend who WORKS WITH CARS on how to screw in nuts.

SAM: Pointy side inwards Renae!
RENAE: Yeah, I’m doing that!
SAM: I told you that.

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The mechanic is not making angry noises and twitching his hands at Sam. That must mean she is doing it correctly.

RENAE: I have never been in a situation where I know that I knew something, and I’ve done it exactly the opposite way. That was a shocker for me.

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Sam is hanging onto her every word. I never knew a conversation about nuts and the mechanics of a car would do this to Sam.

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No kidding.

– Commercial break. We resume with the same clip of Sam & Renae being replayed.

– Matt & Tom complete the task in fourth place. This is the perfect Detour for them. They choose chickens.

– Liberty cannot open the lid for the oil container. She makes Ryot open it.

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RYOT: My hands are full of oil!

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“Can we put this under a tap of hot water? Jesus.”

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A mechanic commands Mel to tighten it a bit more.

– Other teams make further progress.

– Alana & Mel finish the task in fifth; Chris & Anastasia in sixth; Mo & Mos in seventh.

MEL: Carabarrow? What the hell is that?

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At least Westerners aren’t the only ones clueless to what carabaos are.

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Carabarrow.

– Chris & Anastasia and Alana & Mel both choose Carabao.

– Mo & Mos ponder.

MOS: Uh.
MO: Ummm. . .I think. . .uh. . .

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And ponder.

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And ponder some more.

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You guys are going to lose via Marked for Elimination because you took 31 minutes to choose which side of the Detour you were going to perform.

– Alana & Mel sit down in the Jeep.

ALANA: AH! My ass is on the bloody screw thing.

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“This leg is a pain in the ass!”

– Mel attempts to one-up her misery.

MEL: Well at least your ass doesn’t look like that covered in mud and oil!

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I was taken so off-guard. This is hilarious. There is a scene in TAR history where teammates discover whose ass is in the most discomfort at the moment. So unexpected, and this is after watching 37 seasons of TAR.

– Chris & Anastasia discuss their decision of going with the carabao task.

ANASTASIA: Think we made the right decision?
CHRIS: I think they’re both hard.
ANASTASIA: You don’t know how big the field is.
CHRIS: Have you ever heard the saying ‘like a needle in a haystack’?
ANASTASIA: Yes.
CHRIS: That’s what we’re doin’.

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Come to think of it, I have never heard this saying used outside of reality television. In fact, the first time I heard “like a needle in a haystack” was during the TAR 3 haybale task in Germany. Since then, the phrase been uttered dozens and dozens of times.

– Jeff & Luke show up to the carabao pit.

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If I know TAR, at least two of these carabao will defecate during the course of this challenge.

– Jeff asks how he can turn the carabao around.

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Why can’t it be Li li li li? I want to ask, but I think I know the answer.

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Hang on. Did that carabao just lick his nostril? Impressive. I can’t even do that. Trust me, I’ve tried.

– How to get a carabao to turn left?

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Is the fifth word ‘goose’?

– Jeff wants to be first to the pit stop. They try to move.

– Tyler & Nathan are ready to bang this task out at the chicken farm.

– Nathan says the big chickens were easiest to grab, but did not think they would prove to be heavy to carry. Dave & Kelly are there too. Kelly says the chucks are gross but well-behaved.

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PETA is not going to like this episode.

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I would be afraid of cutting its neck on the metal cage.

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Once again, locals watch White people perform basic challenges for their own amusement.

– Anne-Marie & Tracy are in the hood of the vehicle.

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“Tracy is so hood! DJ Khaled! Dey da best!”

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Much like the incident with the jack, I am waiting for the hood to come crashing down on Tracy. This team is certainly accident prone.

– Anne-Marie & Tracy continue to amaze as they finish the task in eighth place. Ryot & Liberty are ninth, and Sam & Renae *gasp* are tenth.

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These two women who are supposed to be two of the most badass women we have ever seen on TAR and were nearly praying for a car mechanic task. . .

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. . .By these women.

– Sam & Renae opt for chickens while Ryot & Liberty and Anne-Marie & Tracy both choose carabao.

– Anne-Marie fears for their safety.

ANNE-MARIE: Scary thing was that we had to get into the car that we put the tires on and get the guy to drive us. That was quite scary. We put those tires on ourselves.

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“Hopefully they performed a thorough inspection.”

– By the way, who is the only team left at this task?

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Oh boy.

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They aren’t achieving shit at the moment.

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I didn’t know changing oil could be a doubles challenge. Perhaps running, cycling, and swimming everywhere has made Richard & Joey not so knowledgeable when it comes to cars.

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As somebody who is a 25-year old Canuck without a driver’s license, I really need to take notes with this challenge.

JOEY: SHIT!

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The most competitive team in the race may very well finish with an average of 10.5. That would be hilarious.

– Alana & Mel and Chris & Anastasia are at the carabao task.

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MEL: I didn’t realize a kabow or whatever it was is an animal. I thought it was a going to be a kind of tractor and it was going to be strapped to me. It was going to be a cruisy little broom-broom-broom.

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Even Alana thinks Mel was overly optimistic about the task.

MEL: And we got there and it was a buffalo. And not just mud. Poo mud.

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Poo Mud:

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Twenty percent poo–eighty percent mud.

– Richard & Joey finish the task in last. They choose the chickens.

JOEY: Man, I can’t believe we started like this. This is crazy.

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What do you mean you can’t believe you started like this, Joey? You guys have always been like this ever since this race started.

– Jeff & Luke are waiting for a flag.

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Jeff becomes the first person in TAR history to use ‘paddock’ in a sentence.

– Locals have gathered at the paddock to watch the teams.

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Watching Mel get dragged through mud is funny for everyone.

– Chris & Anastasia get into another fight.

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Wow. It’s a good thing Dave wasn’t at this Detour.

– Matt & Tom are collecting chickens. Matt said he did it a lot as a kid.

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Tom is having too much fun.

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I personally couldn’t tell one of them used to catch chickens just by looking at them.

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Matt & Tom demonstrate proper technique.

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Kelly does not.

– Tyler & Nathan enter the market and find the stall. The clue is theirs.

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She gets a helmet but not the child? Not even an infant sized non la?

– Tyler & Nathan read they must continue travelling in their army vehicle to Khai Dinh Tomb where they will find their next clue.

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As long as Nathan does not have to do a head shaving task, he will be up for anything.

Khai Dinh Tomb?

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This seems familiar.

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Too familiar.

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Ah yes. This is where Natalie took a four hour penalty at the Vietnamese royalty coin Roadblock because of her stomach, and ultimately ended the race for her and the “I Wish I Picked a Better Partner” Pailin.

– Tyler & Nathan talk about the heavy chickens in the most Aussie Bro fashion I have heard in my life.

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“Bro-ho-ho. I know-ho-ho-ho.”

– Mo & Mos are capturing chickens. They pass by Matt & Tom.

MOS: One roast, two roast, one roast, two roast.
MO: I had to stop him from eating them.

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They turned down ice cream last episode. There is only so much self-control that Mos can muster on The Amazing Race.

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“I shall protect you from my cousin!”

– Dave & Kelly get directions as Sam & Renae run in. One chicken escapes from Mo.

– Dave shrieks at Kelly to hold the front basket as it is about to tip, and reminds her they would have to start over.

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Want to communicate advice to your romantic partner, Chris? Learn from Dave.

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Notice how Dave did not have to call her an idiot before she listened to him and improved their position in the task.

– Matt & Tom finish the Detour in second place.

– Anne-Marie & Tracy enter the paddock.

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What is worse than poo mud? Ass poo mud.

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Liberty struggles in the mud.

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She needs to be taken by the hand like she is living on a prayer.

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Unless the carabo runs her an the guide over.

– She explains the carabao kept running around in circles repeatedly.

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Well, at least they are 150 to 200 percent certain a flag is not hidden right here.

– Anne-Marie starts cawing like an eagle to get the carabao to slow down.

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Stop!!!

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Ass meets poo mud.

TRACY: I’m down!
ANNE-MARIE: It didn’t take her long to drop.

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Anne-Marie is laughin’ at her.

– Chris spots a stick in the mud.

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He is showing it off like he caught General Sherman.

CHRIS: YES! YES! I don’t know what made me see it. I couldn’t even notice the flag in front of me, and I noticed that.

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“I am as blind as Lowell, but I still found it before everyone else. That’s how good I am.”

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“Here’s a stick, Vietnamate.”
“What the hell am I supposed to do with a stick?”

– Luke is annoyed to see Chris & Anastasia to see them complete the task before them. Chris & Anastasia drive away in third.

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There we go. Chris has redeemed himself. A little.

– We cut to Sam & Renae in the playpen where Sam is apologizing to the chickens non-stop.

SAM: Sorry chickens, I’m sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I’m sorry.

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Sam is secretly Canadian.

RENAE: I wasn’t. I was grabbing ’em.

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You’re a monster!

– Richard & Joey are at the chicken pen.

JOEY: We can do this baby. We’ve just got to concentrate.

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“Concentrate-Believe-Achieve? It just doesn’t have the same ring to it, Joey.”

– Joey is also apologizing to the chickens.

JOEY: Sorry, I don’t like doing that to you. <baby voice> Hello, Chicken!

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“Who’s a good chicken? Who’s a good chicken?”

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Apparently Dana wasn’t the first person to babytalk chickens after all.

– Sam & Renae, Mo & Mos, and Richard & Joey are all leaving the pen.

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This crowd is waiting for somebody to tip their basket.

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Richard’s baskets are heavier than anticipated.

RICHARD: To motivate each other we have come up with code words. One of them is 1-0-5.

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Which is fitting because you guys are on pace for an average of 10.5.

RICHARD: C’MON BABE! 1-0-5! Push it! 1-0-5! Push it!

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Is that their area code or something?

JOEY: It’s my record in squats where I squatted 105 kilos. I just have a lot of friends who don’t believe I have done it, but I have.

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Pics or it didn’t happen, Joey.

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If you can squat a bar, you can squat a chicken.

JOEY: 1-0-5! BRING IT!

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She roars past Sam & Renae and is one finger away from flipping them off in the process.

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Mos doesn’t know how to react to somebody shouting numbers behind him.

1-0-5 probably is the number of chicken nuggets Mos has consumed in one sitting before.

MO: I am never eating chicken again.

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The fasting at Ramadan just got a little easier this year.

– Kelly has to put the baskets down twice. Dave claims the route is nearly two kilometres. Richard keeps coaching Joey to put it on her shoulder, but she says she cannot balance it properly on her shoulder.

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Instead her biceps are on the verge of popping out. Cus-Lieve-Hieve, as they say.

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The shoulder tactic also looks uncomfortable.

– Ryot asks Liberty why they can’t get in a straight line rather than giant circles.

RYOT: You’re controlling it! You’re steering it! I’m working the plough!

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Liberty attempts to steer, but before you know it. . .

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Ryot has to do both. The carabao keeps jerking him in a circle.

RYOT: C’mon! Seriously!

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Giant circles it is.

I guess a circle jerk may mean something else here in Vietnam.

– Mel screams DUK DUK DUK at the carabao.

ANNE-MARIE: We just like to fall in things.

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I think Paul Asleson’s Vietnamese cousin is in the crowd.

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Because they continue to laugh at midle-aged women falling down.

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Steady!

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Anne!

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Splat.

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What a day on TAR. She is covered in oil, mud, and poop.

– I love their hysterical laughter after each laugh.

– Ryot & Liberty announce they are switching to the chickens. So are Alana & Mel. And yes, so are Anne-Marie & Tracy.

ANNE-MARIE: It was too hard for us.
TRACY: I was dying, remember?
ANNE-MARIE: She was dying.

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Yes, Tracy was dying.

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Dying. Can’t you see it?

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SAM: Where’s the market? This way?–

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JOEY: Focus. Believe. Achieve. Focus. Believe. Achieve.

FOCUS BELIEVE ACHIEVE COUNTER: 7.

From five to seven just like that.

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They 1-0-5’d and FMB’d their way into a prime position in the standings.

JOEY: It’s heavy.
RICHARD: It’s not heavy, Joey! It’s not heavy. It’s in your mind!
RICHARD: It’s not heavy!
JOEY: It’s light as a feather. It’s light as a feather.
RICHARD: What do you want? Do you want to go home?
JOEY: NO! It’s light as a feather!
RICHARD: C’MON THEN!
JOEY: It’s light as a feather!

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It’s the garden of your mind, Joey!

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“It’s light as Carissa Gaghan.”

– Joey enters the market.

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JOEY: Focus. Believe. Achieve. Focus. Believe. Achieve.

FMB COUNTER: 9.

They are making up for it after a forty minute hiatus.

– Mos thinks the locals are laughing at him because he is fat and strong.

MO: I think fat Arabs are a novelty in Vietnam.

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MOS: I think fat people are a novelty in Vietnam.

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Just import a bunch of Westerners and the novelty wears off.

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Hey! A dog!

– Richard & Joey complete the task in fourth; Mo & Mos are fifth. Where did this come from?

– Dave & Kelly and Sam & Renae are finished in sixth and seventh.

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Sam is -this- close to a proper Cammy cosplay.

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Last round’s frontrunners are back together again.

– Everyone is at the chicken task except for one team.

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Well, this is a lonely shot by TAR standards. Nothing as stubborn as a father and son. They rank right up there with a mule or a carabao, evidently.

– Jeff & Luke refuse to take the risk of leaving the challenge.

LUKE: We are sticking to this challenge.

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Why is everything about sticks all of a sudden?

– Commercial break. We resume. They find the stick.

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I am not kidding.

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It really was one of those commercial break cuts in TAR where it went from “Will they ever find it????? Oh, it’s just right here all along. Nevermind.”

– Jeff & Luke are up to eighth place just like that.

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Driver needs his space, man.

– Tyler & Nathan are first to the Roadblock.

NATHAN: Who’s in line for a king’s ransom?

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That’s the easiest question ever. Who is in line for a King’s Ransom?
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BobDawgsta, motherfucker!

– Grant jumps in to clarify things.

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Leave it to Grant Bowler to be among royalty.

– In this Roadblock, one team member will enter Minh Mang Tomb, and search the grounds for seven coins representing the seven emperors of the Nguyen dynasty.

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Dammit.

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Is that what they are yelling at the carabao? Duc duc duc duc?

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I really want there to be an emperor with a less than flattering description. Like “he was dumb as shit and got self-absorbed into his Vietnamese hipster stuff” or something like that.

– Once they have the seven coins, they must return to their vehicle and head back to Khai Dinh Tomb to receive further instruction. If they watched TAR Asia 3, they know what’s coming.

NATHAN: Pay particular attention to each line of history associated with the coin.

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Studying? That’s lame, bro.

At least they know what to expect when they return to Khai Dinh Tomb.

– Tom volunteers for the Roadblock. He says ‘Minh Mang’ in a funny tone.

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Not amused.

– Chris & Anastasia, Mo & Mos, Sam & Renae, and Dave & Kelly run up the stairs to the clue box.

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Chris & Anastasia charge up the stairs.

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Mo & Mos not so much.

DAVE: If either of us blow it, we’re out.
KELLY: I can do it. I can do it.

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No pressure, Kel.

– Sam and Kelly are doing the Roadblock.

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“Onwards!”

– Chris & Anastasia are in the vehicle together as Anastasia reads the additional info.

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Is that where you are going? Knowing this is a memory challenge, things are not going to bode well for Anastasia.

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And I think they know it too.

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CHRIS: We’re f–king idiots. We’re f–king idiots.

The one word you can’t say on Aussie cable TV.

– Chris jumps out of the vehicle. That makes sense.

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But why did Anastasia follow him all the way up the steps? That I can’t quite figure out. Do the camera operators need to enforce the thirty foot rule at all times?

– Joey says she is going to do the Roadblock even though she doesn’t know what it is.

– Players are beginning to arrive at the Minh Mang Temple.

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I love how they have that lonely red table set up in the middle of the temple for the teams. It seems so intrusive.

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A furious showdown of penmanship is currently going down.

– The rain keeps coming down as Joey runs on the path.

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That’s not Anne-Marie or Tracy in disguise is it?

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Time to practice her baseball slide.

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JOEY: Aw, damn. C’mon Joey. Focus-believe-achieve.

FMB COUNTER: 10.

– Sam re-explains the task for us. Tom and Nathan are heading back.

– Mo lends a pen to Joey. He draws a map of the temple to figure out which one he has seen.

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We glance at Sam’s notes.

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That table really needs to be higher for everyone.

– Anastasia is present as well.

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They really make you search for those tables.

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One needs to be hidden underneath the water.

– Sam and Joey have all seven coins.

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Anastasia is very happy to have her seven too.

– Grant explains the second half of the task. The team member must re-arrange the coins in the correct order of the emperors’ reigns. They can return to Minh Mang Tomb if needed. Once it is in the correct order, they will receive their next clue.

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Unlike the clue givers in TAR Canada, this person wishes to remain as anonymous as possible.

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Cowboys versus Surfers.

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Which I pray is not the theme for TAR 30: Fake All Stars 2 in the US.

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Nathan is rejected.

NATHAN: I sorta stuffed up.

I have heard teams say “stuffed up” a few times in the past two episodes. I presume this is the cleaner version of saying “fucked up” in Aussie slang?

– Tom is wrong too. Neither wrote down that information and head back together.

– Ryot & Liberty and Alana & Mel are at the chicken pen. Yikes. The Detour options must have been far apart. Alana & Mel are there too. They all gather their chickens.

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With Anne-Marie & Tracy, Ryot & Liberty, and Alana & Mel all forced to carry a heavy load of chickens nearly two kilometres after switching from carabaos due to exhaustion, this task could prove to be a real killer for them.

– Tracy starts moving.

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It goes exactly as expected.

– Everyone checks in on her.

MEL: Are you alright?
TRACY: No.

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Now is the time to start getting concerned.

– Commercial break. We resume. Tracy’s fall is replayed.

TRACY: You can’t help me. I’ll get up in a minute.

– Tracy explains these tasks are beyond what she could have imagined, and has aches and pains everywhere.

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Their spirited laughter is slowly fading.

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“It’s like this leg was designed for everyone to laugh at us fall repeatedly, Trace.”

– Alana & Mel and Ryot & Liberty go with a unique strategy.

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ALANA: It’s breaking my neck!

The “Break Ya Neck” strategy.

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Mel was simply following the teachings of Busta Rhymes.

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This is probably the easiest way to carry it once you are up.

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Don’t vomit on the chickens, Liberty.

ALANA: I feel like I am going to pass out!
MEL: The ladies are doing it.

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Alana is about to be shown up physically by Anne-Marie & Tracy. This will be fun.

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Look at that one chicken head trying to escape from the basket in the shot. Seeing these chicken heads takes me back to Kelly & Christy from TAR 13.

– Mel talks about how Alana was ready to drop the baskets and die.

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Which likely was not much of an exaggeration–the only thing motivating her at the moment is to not be run over by those trucks.

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Tracy squeezes in a quick bite.

– The crowd is once again laughing at the trailing three teams. Mel mocks their laughter.

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MEL: Hahahahaha! They’re laughing at me.

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“I am tired of their shit.”

– Ryot’s hands must be really oily.

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Because he opens it with his mouth like a pro.

– Mel sarcastically laughs her way out of the market. Alana says the only way they’ll be saved is if someone gets lost or stuck at the Roadblock. Because they have assigned drivers, only the latter is a possibility.

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No more crowded markets for Mel. At least no guys wanted her to flash them this episode.

– Jeff & Luke are eighth to the Roadblock. Luke is going to do it.

– Joey is unprepared for the quiz. So is Sam.

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She has a very quizzical look on her face.

– Sam leaves straight away. I am curious what type of quiz teams were anticipating. Joey stays behind. Dave insists Kelly will have it even before she knows what the quiz will be.

DAVE (loudly): You’ve got it, honey. You’ve got it. (quietly) I hope, I hope, I hope.

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Dave is having a mental breakdown before our eyes.

– Anastasia comes back. Kelly gives up and goes back in the vehicle. Joey refuses to quit. Anastasia makes another attempt. Fails. Joey realizes the smartest move is to head back.

– Nathan and Tom are on their second visit to the temple. Mo is still there. He asks why Nathan is back.

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Mo refrains from pressing for more information.

– How is that showdown for last place coming along?

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More stairs.

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Careful, guys.

– Ryot & Liberty carefully consider all of the factors for this task.

RYOT: There’s a lot of stairs here. You want me to do it?
LIBERTY: Yeah.

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Stairs = Ryot.
Not stairs = Liberty.

Let’s hope no more than six Roadblocks involve stairs.

MEL: Yeah, I’ll do it. I don’t know what [king’s ransom] means.

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Carabao, King’s Ransom. . .it’s all gibberish to Mel today.

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Something tells me Mo & Mos will beat them by thirty minutes. Tracy is dying on those steps.

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Yeah, Tracy isn’t doing this Roadblock.

– Anastasia’s answer is rejected. Chris is worried that Anastasia is crying somewhere. She has already gone back and still has “no friggin’ clue”.

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She feels foolish.

– Nathan is sorting out his coins.

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Without any dramatic editing, Anastasia gets it first.

CHRIS: DID YOU DO IT?! YOU DID?! SHUT UP!

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CHRIS: YOU’RE A MACHINE!

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Actually, your DNA results came back Chris, and -you- are the machine.

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CHRIS: I COULD CARRY YOU!

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CHRIS: I’m so proud of you.

Wait wait wait. Can we back up for a second? Can we go back to what we saw at the start of this episode?

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The tone has changed in the course of a day.

– Chris & Anastasia read their clue. They must travel to the Citadel. Grant explains it was a home for the Nguyen royal family in the forbidden Purple City.

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The Citadel?

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It’s the same freakin’ pit stop from TAR Asia 3. If this whole season is going to be a recreation of TAR Asia tasks and locations, I am going to be livid.

– Nathan finishes the Roadblock in second. Them and Chris & Anastasia are scrambling for directions. Tom completes it in third.

– Sam helps out Kelly; Kelly states that Sam lifted her spirits.

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Sam Schoers:

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Spirit Lifter.

– Mel does not have a pen. She leaves with her seven coins. No notes. Risky.

– Sam and Kelly are huddled as they work together to figure out the order.

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JOEY: How ya guys going? You working together?

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“You must have squatted 104 kilos or less to be apart of this club.”

– Kelly says Joey edged over and forced herself on Kelly. She makes it very clear that she has no interest in working with Joey.

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JOEY: You alright? You don’t want to share? Good of you two! That’s alright then. No worries!

Joey was a really good sport about this. Focus, believe, acceptance.

KELLY: The yellow team has just rubbed everyone the wrong way.
DAVE: They seem very motivated.
KELLY: Hardcore motivated.
DAVE: Do anything to win motivated.
KELLY: That’s what rubs me the wrong way.

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dwight k schrute

To quote Dwight K. Schrute, The Yellow Team has  been shunned.

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If it were any other team, saying that you thought the “yellow team” was motivated and they rubbed you the wrong way would have a much more offensive connotation.

– Joey talks to herself to get over the fact she was shunned.

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Even this dog is allowed to hang around Sam and Kelly, and he doesn’t even have any numbers to share!

– Kelly, Sam, and Joey are back in their respective vehicles.

JOEY: What goes around comes around. They’ll get their just desserts.

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Maybe Joey isn’t taking this as well as I initially thought.

– Kelly states she isn’t helping anyone because no one else has helped her thus far.
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Um, we haven’t finished the second leg, Kelly. There hasn’t exactly been time for people to help one another so far. This is the first task where teams could pool information all season long.

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Were you expecting them to rappel from the lights in the Melbourne Stadium for Dave? Jump into each other’s huts to help count the Indonesian currency? I for one am confused.

– Mo completes the Roadblock in fourth place.

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With a thirty minute penalty on the horizon, Mo’s detailed notes certainly gave them a boost.

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That feeling when you realize a Muslim team will not be the first team eliminated for once.

– Luke is done in fifth. You can hear Dave calling for Kelly. Jeff thinks he is fourth.

– Chris, Tyler, and Nathan are all yelling at their drivers. Especially Chris. Matt and Tom are scrambling too.

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“THE BRIDGE IS OUTTTT!”

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Chris is not taking this well at all.

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Oh my god. That pit stop greeter is awesome. He is like a Vietnamese grandpa trying to become a rapper. He has the baseball cap and a shirt that looks like a sports jersey. This is fantastic.

– Chris & Anastasia yell at a local if he has seen people run. Anastasia mimes running by flicking her hair around.

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“Have you seen Medusa?”

– Commercial break. We resume. Anastasia cannot find the flags. Her and Chris hang out under some scaffolding.

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Chris is doing double duty with the backpacks again.

– Who will be the first to hit the mat?

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Alas, their victory which eluded them last round fails to do so two rounds in a row.

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Is there a Vietnamese word for ‘manbun’?

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“I pledge allegiance to Nathan’s manbun.”

FIRST PLACE: TYLER & NATHAN

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Success.

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What’s their prize, Grant?

– They win two tickets to watch the final of the MCG.

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The MCG courtesy of NSM. I am thankful they gave us the abbreviation for NSM. However, what MCG stands for remains a mystery.

Apparently it stands for Melbourne Cricket Ground–the location of the starting line.

– They get a tour of the sports museum at the MCG. Tyler says the prize is all thanks to Nathan.

TYLER: He’s a genius. Holy moly. You’re so good, dude.

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“You should be in Mensa or something, bro.”

SECOND PLACE: MATT & TOM

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Whatdayaknow.

Their mat chat is cut short.

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“YOU F–KING IDIOT! THE PIT STOP IS RIGHT HERE!”

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“Scooch closer, children.”

THIRD PLACE: CHRIS & ANASTASIA

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And they will be scratching their heads as to how they dropped two spots on the way to the pit stop.

– Editors screw up at the Roadblock.

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Uh, pretty sure that is Mel doing the Roadblock.

– Mel is rejected. Back to the drawing board/Minh Mang she goes.

– Joey turns around to Sam.

JOEY: How’d you two do? Did you two team up and get the winning numbers?
SAM: . . .

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I sense Joey will be forming a counter-alliance against Sam & Renae and Dave & Kelly in the near future.

– Sam gets it right.

DAVE: Baby, are you alright?
KELLY: I’ll give it a crank.

Dave & Kelly are Aussie Slang royalty.

– Sam runs over to Kelly and whispers the answer to her.

JOEY: Nice. Real nice.

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They’re just blatantly shoving their alliance in Joey’s face. This is going to make for a fun storyline. I think Anne-Marie & Tracy are free from Joey’s gaze from now on.

– Kelly completes the task in seventh.

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Kel celebrates like an Egyptian.

– Kelly catches up Dave on what happened.

KELLY: Whatever her name is, she try to come and get information but we brushed her off.
DAVE: We don’t like them.

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They feel so bad about not helping Joey.

DAVE: Kel may have made a bit of an enemy today.
KELLY: . . .Oops.

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My bad.

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Let the games begin.

– Joey starts talking to herself.

– Mo is furious in the car.

MO: Richard & Joey stole–took my pen at the thing and then she wouldn’t help me.
MOS: What about her pen?
MO: No, I’ve got like five pens.
MOS: Did they give my two-pen?
MO: No.
MOS: That’s my lucky two-pen. She better give it back. That’s my lucky two-pen. I have had that two-pen for two years now.

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Mos’ equivalent to a four-leaf clover.

MO: You have a lucky two-pen?
MOS: My lucky two-pen!

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“Let’s drive back to Khai Ding Tomb and take back what is rightfully ours!”

– Joey runs down the steps and is heading back to the temple.

– Anne-Marie comes back to Khai Ding Tomb.

ANNE-MARIE: More stairs!

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“What gives?”

TRACY: I was so proud of her. I actually had tears.
.
.
.
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Yeah, this team is not capable of faking tears on the race.

– Anne-Marie solves it. They are in eighth place.

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More laughing.

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Still laughing.

– Tracy repeats their Tortoise and the Hare phrase.

– Mo & Mos enter the pit stop. They have a thirty minute penalty.

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Grant isn’t looking at them. Is there a rule that they have to stand there in awkward silence for half an hour despite being five feet apart?

– Joey asks Ryot if he wants to team up.

RYOT: No.

Man. Nobody likes Joey.

– Joey encounters Mel. They decide to work together.

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“Work together to beat the only other person who is left at this task?”

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“Suit yourself.”

JOEY: You got it.

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“Want to work together to beat the only other team that is left at this task?”

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“Deal.”

– Man, Ryot blew a huge opportunity there.

– Jeff & Luke and Sam & Renae are running to the citadel.

– Mo & Mos applauds Jeff & Luke’s arrival.

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It’s like they are cheering a team on to the finish line.

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Mo & Mos are their cheerleaders.

MOS: Oh. The girls are here too.

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I think Luke just met his future stepmother.

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Poor Mo & Mos. Once again they are fringe members of Australian society.

FOURTH PLACE: JEFF & LUKE

FIFTH PLACE: SAM & RENAE

– Dve & Kelly arrive at the pit stop.

SIXTH PLACE: DAVE & KELLY

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DAVE: YEAHHHH!

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“Well done, guys. . .you can stop checking in now.”

– Five minutes elapse.

SEVENTH PLACE: MO & MOS

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And they survive.

MOS: I gave him a kiss already.

Ah. Only one kiss for a Kissing Cousin, eh?

– Anne-Marie & Tracy make it to the pit stop. How do they react?

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Laugh. Just like they always do. At everything. It’s a good thing they weren’t in the eighth episode of TAR: All Stars. That could have been awkward.

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Producers would have been bummed if Anne-Marie & Tracy were out first. It would have been such a predictable start to the season. In fact, they have been able to avoid the bottom two spots in each of the first two episodes.

EIGHTH PLACE: ANNE-MARIE & TRACY

– Joey admits she snuck away and ditched Mel. Perhaps Kelly had the right idea after all. Her and Mel are both in their vehicles.

MEL: We’re in second-to-last. C’mon lucky coins!

hue-mel-greig-11Sorting out a pink bag of coins separates Mel from surviving this leg or going home. It all depends on a bag of Vietnamese coins.

– Commercial break. We resume. Joey gets it wrong. So does Mel. Joey has an idea.

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It will be tough for Joey to sneak away this time.

– Ryot is still at Minh Mang Temple. He claims he has no idea what to do since there is only one coin left at each station.

RYOT: I have nothing to compare each coin to.

Ummmm. . .what?

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I think Ryot is missing something.

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Mel thinks it over before she gets the correct answer.

Joey instantly begs.

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Mel has to resist all temptation to flip her off.

MEL: It’s the order we had from the start.

Mel explains the deal in a confessional.

MEL: She was begging me ‘Please, please, I don’t wanna lose this.’ Okay. I’ll help you, but we get a head start and you don’t get to overtake us.

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“Got it?”

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They reach a deal.

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Focus, believe, agreed.

– Joey has her clue.

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Poor Ryot is barely starting his order as he runs up the steps behind them.

JOEY: I figure by the time I get my clue, I get Richard, and we run down the stairs, that will be two minutes.