THE AMAZING RACE AUSTRALIA (1)
TAR 1-4: Original Era
TAR 5-9: Revitalization Era
TAR 10-13: Transition Era
TAR 14-16: Static Era
TAR 17: The Exception.
TAR 18-24: Funky and Inconsistent Era.
TAR Australia: It has no era.
INDONESIA – VIETNAM – CHINA – SOUTH AFRICA – THE NETHERLANDS – CZECH REPUBLIC – POLAND – ISRAEL – SRI LANKA – SINGAPORE – AUSTRALIA
I said TAR 18 was the last season I did not watch during my hiatus from TAR until TAR 19 aired on TV. . .well, that isn’t exactly true.
TAR Australia (1) aired during the summer of 2011 between TAR 18 and TAR 19. It has taken me five years, but I am finally getting around to watch this season. This and TAR Australia 2, the latter being described as one of the best reality TV seasons in the history of this genre over the past sixteen years, are the only two remaining English-language seasons I have yet to see.
My experience with Australian competitive reality TV is not exactly miniscule, however.
During 2008, my brother downloaded the first two seasons of The Mole: Australia for me. After watching these two seasons, I would find the third and fourth seasons on YouTube before the extreme copyright purges we know and love today. The first four seasons were hosted by Grant Bowler. As for the fifth season? Well, let’s pretend that never happened.
I must say that I loved Grant Bowler as a host of The Mole. He was competitive with Anderson Cooper in the form of possessing that mysterious factor which is essential to host the show. Unlike Ahmad Rashad who was some sportscaster who made it feel like a fun retreat rather than an environment of dark comedy and a gloomy suspicious atmosphere.
Therefore, I was surprised to find out that this guy would also get the gig to host all three seasons of TAR Australia. You never see hosts crossing over like that. It would be the equivalent to Julie Chen hosting Big Brother during the summer and then switching over to Survivor for the rest of the year. No one could be a great fit for two very different shows, right?
What did I think of Grant Bowler when I watched TAR Australia 3 two years ago? Well, I always thought of him as “that Mole host who was hired to do TAR”. I think The Mole is Grant’s natural home–he is not a bad TAR host by any means, but it doesn’t utilize all of his strengths.
Besides, Grant did not say the word “kitty” or “(‘X’ number of dollars) goes begging” once during TAR Australia 3. I miss The Mole Australia staples from him.
activeTV, the folks who produced all four seasons of TAR Asia. . .wait, a fifth season of TAR Asia is coming out at the end of this year? Jesus. Anyways, activeTV hopped from their run on TAR Asia to producing the first two seasons of TAR Australia.
Needless to say both of these seasons would receive high praise, and truly put activeTV on the map. Well, with one exception that would occur after TAR Australia 2.
activeTV was a consultant forThe Ultimate Fighter: China. They had never been involve with TUF or MMA before, and would be apart of one of the most bizarre mistakes I have witnessed in competitive reality TV history.
NOTE: Michael McKay responded to this post saying activeTV was just a consultant for TUF China. They had little to no involvement in the hilarious incident that occurred while they consulted for TUF China.
UFC executives essentially co-produce each season of TUF with a TV company. Fighters initially go through a series of skill-based tryouts until it gets to the interview round. The interview round is where fighters are evaluated based upon their personality and entertainment value.
Unfortunately, this can backfire as they overrode the UFC’s pleas to not cast a yoga master with a 0-0 fighting record to compete on The Ultimate Fighter: China.
The MMA fan community heckled the UFC for having a Chinese yoga master compete before the season even began, and things went from hilarious to absolutely absurd as the first two episodes aired on TV. The yoga master refused to train and spar with his teammates, he couldn’t defend, strike, nor take any strikes, and quit in the second episode after he couldn’t handle a session with one of his assistant coaches. It is one of the most embarrassing things I have seen on The Ultimate Fighter.
Cast members, coaches, fans, and the UFC itself ridiculed producers for pushing the infamous yoga master Li Jinying onto the show.
I just needed to tell you that the folks who produced two of the greatest seasons in reality TV history also found themselves being tied to one of the biggest blunders in competitive reality TV history.
Again, it appears activeTV had nothing to do with putting the yoga master on the show, but it’s funny that their name as well as the UFC brand had to be stamped on this incident.
Alright. Let’s talk about TAR Australia (1)’s format.
Unlike TAR 18 which committed genocide against the Fast Forward, this season will have a grand total of one. What will that task entail? You can probably take a guess and be correct.
Remember how I said the Intersection only works if you have it last for a full round or more? Well, my wish is nearly granted as the Intersection will appear TWICE within the same season. I could see this complicating the game in terms of coalitions and alliances. Will the same players repeatedly team up?
Surprisingly, there is only one U-Turn this season. Despite Blind and Double U-Turns having already been established prior to filming in the US, TAR Australia stays away from this twist in their inaugural run.
And for those of you who found the Speed Bump lame after seven consecutive US seasons, the TAR Asia tradition of either taking your funds away or instituting a thirty minute penalty carries over to TAR Australia. Here they go with Marked for Elimination for two of their NEL rounds. We will see the TAR Australia format significantly alter itself from season to season–something which the American version has never really done over the past twenty eighteen seasons.
Bertram is stubborn in his ways, I suppose.
Perhaps the most impressive thing about this season is that two episodes are filmed in Israel. I thought this location would be off limits in every international version except Hamerotz LaMillion, but TAR Australia proves this can be done.
I can’t really comment on too much else for this season since I am unfamiliar with TAR Australia (1) and its legacy. You don’t see too much carry over in a franchise which only has a three season catalogue. The first two seasons are hidden gems in the TAR universe, and it is now my job to bring these gems to the surface.
If there is anything to keep an eye on throughout the season, I will be paying attention to how much of the tasks and production techniques from TAR Asia carry over to this version. Especially in the season premiere which is a near carbon copy of the Lombok leg from TAR Asia 4.
I feel bad that TAR Asia was suspended due to all of the travel restrictions using Asian contestants, and for whatever reason having to rely on casting D-list celebrities, but let’s not blame the Aussies for it. This is their time. Oy oy oy.
Focus. Believe. Achieve.
(Episode Blog #274)
INDONESIA – VIETNAM – CHINA – SOUTH AFRICA – THE NETHERLANDS – CZECH REPUBLIC – POLAND – ISRAEL – SRI LANKA – SINGAPORE – AUSTRALIA
DISCLAIMER: I may occasionally incorrectly transcribe what some of the racers are saying due to the thick Australian accents. Sadly, I have been guilty of this during the TAR Asia seasons. Just giving you the heads up.
Not Los Angeles.
– Grant introduces us to Melbourne.
Again, not Los Angeles.
– Melbourne is regarded as Australia’s sporting capital, and no place is more famous for its rich sporting heritage than the Melbourne Cricket Ground.
We’re back to standard definition.
Eleven teams are flying in by helicopter. This has really eclipsed the entrances of TAR US leading up to Unfinished Business. Helicopters trump dune buggies and old cars.
Usually you have to wait until a leg in the Alps or the season finale to ride in helicopters in the US. Lucky Aussie bastards.
GRANT: This adventure will take them to twelve countries and twenty-three cities covering nearly fifty thousand kilometres.
Twelve countries in twelve legs?! None of that doubling up bullcrap we see in TAR US. The Aussies are playing for keeps.
Why is the tail end of the helicopter shaped like a ‘6’? Shouldn’t it be shaped like a ‘7’?
How do teams feel about flying in a helicopter over downtown Melbourne?
Very thrilled, I would say.
Considering Vulture has Lisa & Joni as the 25th best team of all time, Anne-Marie & Tracy could easily be #24.
ANNE MARIE: Between us, we have worked at Big W for twenty-eight years.
Big W, upon further research, is an Australian department store. Judging by the types of products they carry, it would be something like Target.
Except, you know, not being stupid enough to try and expand into the Canadian market.
They even have to wear their uniforms in their opening confessionals. That’s just cruel.
TRACY: And this is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to us.
“Other than the time when we partied because the diapers were on sale for $19.99
Or the other time when they upgraded their computers at each till.
“This is like a whole new adventure! What’s next, Tracy? Robotic cashiers!”
ANNE-MARIE: When it comes to running in the race, we’ll give it our best shot. And as you can see, we don’t look like the running sort of people. Running doesn’t really come into our lives, does it Tracy (insert the stereotypical Aussie inflection here)?
Don’t worry, Anne-Marie.
You can’t do worse than these guys when it comes to running. Or Kendra on the Ethiopian race track in TAR 6.
TRACY: But, there’s a story.
Something tells me this story is fiction, Tracy.
TRACY: Tortoise and the hare.
TRACY: Tortoises. And they won! They won the race!
Anne-Marie’s overly expressive laugh cracks me up every time.
– Now to our second team.
GRANT: Married* entrepreneurs from Sydney, Richard and Joey.
Not to be confused with the much more famous Sydney, Nova Scotia here in Canada.
What is playing in Richard’s headphones?
If Anne-Marie & Tracy are tortoises, these are the hares they alluded to earlier.
RICHARD: We’re married entrepreneurs. To get businesses off is the same as this race. You need to be number one, and that’s what we intend to do.
How do you intend to go about doing that, Richard? I am curious to find out.
JOEY: We pretty much like to start something from scratch. Create it.
That is a classic Aras Baskauksas hand motion, Joey. Everyone put your hands on top of Joey and feel the energy.
Look out, Parvati. You have some competition.
JOEY: Our main three words are: To FOCUS on what we need to do. To BELIEVE in ourselves, and we can ACHIEVE it.
I don’t think Anne-Marie doesn’t even know that was an exercise.
RICHARD: Focus. Believe. Achieve.
What do you call people who focus, believe, and achieve, Joey?
“What are you thinking about right now, Joey?”
“I believe that.”
“Now it’s achieved.”
Now, let’s review Richard & Joey’s three simple steps to success.
I can’t believe we’re only two teams in. This may or may not be better than seeing Jet & Cord and Jaime & Cara one season ago.
– Our third team is coming up.
GRANT: Tyler and Nathan. Friends from New South Wales.
Something tells me he won’t be getting much airtime.
Why are they both wearing toques?
Somebody has been hanging around the Richards too much.
NATHAN: We both live pretty cruisy lifestyles.
NATHAN: Just surfing. Not too much stress. Together we’ve put some good surf trips in different parts of the world with just a backpack on and a surfboard, you know. Roughin it pretty hard.
Neither of them are missing an arm.
TYLER: We’re always the kind of guys who will jump into something without planning it.
NATHAN: It’s going to be interesting to see how we go, and hopefully overcome the stress of it all.
Two more hares for Anne-Marie & Tracy to take down. Let’s move on.
GRANT: Dave and Kelly. Bikers from Western Australia.
KELLY: We’ve been married for eleven years. Some people think we’ve got an arranged marriage. They just can’t believe because we’re so opposite.
Not so far.
DAVE: I spend all of my time fishing with the mates, and Kel spends all of her time shopping.
What’s next? One of them prefers chocolate ice cream and the other prefers vanilla? These aren’t extreme differences.
At least Paula Abdul and MC Scat Kat had greater differences. Paula likes TV while Scat Kat prefers the movies. She moves slowly, and he moves fast. Furthermore, Paula likes it quiet while MC Scat Kat loves to shout. Lastly, Paula is neat while MC Scat Kat makes a mess.
Now those are REAL differences.
They are each other’s ride or die, it seems.
DAVE: The biggest problem I think we’re going to have is we’re not going to spend anytime apart.
KELLY: But when we are together we make it work.
“As long as he keeps his goatee, we remain married.”
– Who is our fifth team?
GRANT: Farmers from Outback Queensland, Matt and Tom.
Are cowboys instant fan favourites in Australian reality TV like they are in America? If so, here is the duo that could be sucking up all of the airtime.
TOM: We met at a sheep shooting about seven years ago, and have been mates ever since.
MATT: I work at a station twice the size of Holland, but have never left Australia. It’s going to be a fairly interesting experience for me.
They even have the black and white hats like Jet & Cord.
MATT: We got a pretty laid back sense of lifestyle. People might think it’s slow. . .but it’s not really.
Matt talks about not being slow while we cut to him LIMPING across the grass. Editors are funny.
MATT: Our brains work one hundred percent of the time–it just might not look it.
Let’s find out.
– Who is our sixth team?
GRANT: Alana and Mel. Reunited sisters from South Australia.
The reunion part hasn’t really come together yet, though.
ALANA: Mel ran away from home when she was fifteen and our relationship just got shattered.
(MEL proceeds to slap herself on the wrist.)
“Bad Mel. Mel needs to be punished!”
ALANA: And we’ve only been picking up the pieces the last few years.
Mel is having too much fun shaking that outfit. Her and Kelly need to go shopping sometime.
MEL: I deserted her for -years-, and we don’t really know each other because there was that huge gap apart.
That gap comes into play when making decisions about Alana’s new wardrobe.
MEL: We need to build that bond again and get to know each other because as it stands we’re so different that–
There is definitely a joke here, but I am not going to say it.
MEL: Because we don’t get along that well.
ALANA: Although she has to love me because we’re sisters, she doesn’t like me.
Alana. . .she just choked you on national television. She grabbed you by your throat.
MEL: . . .And I get along with her ex.
Reunited sister’s exes who get along well would have been an unusual team to see on The Amazing Race.
– So, Sir Bowler, who shall our seventh team be?
GRANT: Renae and Sam. Models from Western Australia.
Automatically casting blonde models also occurs in Australian Amazing Race.
SAM: We’ve known each other for about four or five years. We hang out. We do everything together. Best friends is definitely the word to describe it.
The sun must be right in their face.
Two models who have the word ‘cobra’ on their license plate? Is it because they will sting you with their poison if you get too close? Who knows.
But yes, they drive together.
They smack each other’s bottoms together (yet somehow miss their calling as Beach Volleyball Olympians in the process).
They recline on the beach together.
They gossip about boys together.
They even lotion up together. They do everything you wouldn’t expect models to do!
SAM: Our strategy will be to use our looks, and we’re hoping along the way in the race we can use that to our advantage.
RENAE: People look at me and see me as their typical “Barbie-doll blonde girl”. That’s not the case at all. I’m a bit of a tomboy. I work for a yoot(?) and van hardware company so I do a bit of maintenance on the yoots and stuff.
They even repair cars together. Sam isn’t doing anything here, but hey, best friends really do everything together. They are practically Siamese twins. By the way, doesn’t this look familiar?
Yep. It’s a recreation of OutKast’s The Way You Move music video.
RENAE: If a car breaks down or we get a flat, I’d be the first one under the bonnet.
In other news, I need to brush up on my Western Australian slang. Bonnet refers to the front of the car, I presume?
– Let’s reveal team number eight.
GRANT: Mo and Mos. Best mates from Victoria.
Mos is mesmerized by the chopper ride.
MO: People will think we’re brothers or something. I don’t know. But we look similar. Act similar.
MOS: We’re both of Egyptian heritage. I’m just better looking.
What’s going on?
What are they doing?
MO: We are of a Muslim background. There are going to be times where we have to stop and pray.
Some pray faster than others.
MO: Sometimes in that moment it might be good to take five minutes.
MOS: So you’re in the middle of a task that you need to wait for something, we can pray and get sort of grounded.
Amazingly enough, this is only the second Muslim team thus far in an English-speaking version of The Amazing Race. The first?
“It didn’t say that this was a pIT STOP!”
And given my TAR Canada knowledge, Mo & Mos are guaranteed to be the strongest Muslim team by default. . .although Bilal & Sa’eed did get screwed over by the second biggest bullshit twist in TAR US history.
Their bullshit twist is numero uno.
– Alright. Our ninth team.
GRANT: Jeff and Luke are father and son with a fractured past.
If it’s anything like Alana & Mel’s fractured past, we should expect Luke to start randomly choking Jeff during a confessional.
JEFF: When Luke was fifteen, I left and then there was quite a cut.
Things just took a drastic turn.
This is one of the more awkward intros in TAR history.
LUKE: Dad absolutely let me down. I didn’t raise my hand to lose my dad.
LUKE: And that’s happened. In terms of where we’re going on this next adventure in this competitive environment, our trust hasn’t been to that level.
Can I just point out that Luke would have done great in the opening Tug O’ War battle in Australia vs. New Zealand?
JEFF: Whatever shard might be left that he doesn’t trust me, I want to completely eradicate that forever. I’ll do whatever it takes.
Did they not get to ride in the helicopter?
– Our tenth team?
GRANT: Ryot and Liberty. Brother and sister from New South Wales.
Yes, that’s Ryot with a ‘Y’.
LIBERTY: Our family has breeded show beagles for five generations, and it’s something I absolutely love to do.
Wait a second. Forget Ryot and Liberty.
How about Muffin and Liberty? You guys need a simultaneous head turn if you want to be considered!
You never have to worry about them being more than fifty feet apart per official TAR rules thanks to the leash.
Look at the trust between them.
Ryot longingly watches from the sidelines as he sees himself being replaced as a partner.
RYOT: When she says “our family”, I am completely excluded from this. I am a poker player. I play full time.
Who does he think he is throwing those playing cards around?
Chris Jesus Ferguson?
LIBERTY: He’s fairly competitive. He’s fairly intelligent. . .and he’s one of the most arrogant people I have ever come across.
RYOT: I would agree with that. I am intelligent.
“I know she has a pair of aces. Playing 5-Card Draw with my sister bores me.”
What is with poker players on The Amazing Race always being set up to be assholes?
TAR 15 picked the lone poker player who had the absolute biggest reputation of being an asshole, Tiffany Michelle, and threw her into the race.
This time we get an Aussie poker player who even his sister admits he is the most arrogant guy she has encountered.
Can’t we get any mild-mannered poker players?
Uh. . .
I guess not.
Anna might count, but then, you know, the Trump stuff happened.
– Who is our final team?
GRANT: Lovebirds Chris and Anastasia.
TARAus’ idea of a generic dating couple?
ANASTASIA: I met Chris at uni two and a half years ago. I think it is going to test our relationship, and nothing can test us like The Amazing Race could.
Aaaaand, we’ve already lost Chris. Her confessionals are up here, Chris.
Pancakes, strawberries, and syrup. I wonder if they use Aunt Jemima syrup?
I know their relationship is physical, but this is not what I had in mind.
Anastasia is taking the Francesca position, I see.
CHRIS: If we can make it through four weeks of Hell, and we’ve tested each other top and bottom, I can say we definitely will be getting married.
CHRIS: –At some point.
Nice recovery, Chris.
CHRIS: Picture making through The Amazing Race as like a pre-nuptial engagement.
“We’ll talk about that later.”
It’s tough for me to take a team seriously when one looks like Mr. Pectacular and the other is famous ’24’ and Deathproof actress Vanessa Ferlito.
– And if you’re expecting me to transcribe the rest of this episode like this, you can go to hell.
– Grant asks us who will have the right combination of strength, strategy, skill, and teamwork to win the ultimate prize.
Teams run out of the choppers.
Holy crap. Anne-Marie and Tracy are running before the race has begun. Conserve your energy, tortoises!
This would have been the perfect time for Grant to take a swing at a ball in Cricket. Now let’s get to the starting li–
What the hell is this?
Are we doing the intro BEFORE Grant says ‘Go’? Such cultural differences.
They go from boxing to Anastasia putting in a rear naked choke.
Anne-Marie & Tracy having fun with shopping carts.
If beagles can be on the race, I guess horses can too.
Ryot is not too impressed with Liberty’s friendly entrance.
That has to be the holiest intro shot. Brandon & Nicole must be jealous.
Uncle Mos wants you.
– Nobody else’s intro shots stand out. Tyler & Nathan are surfing, as you might expect.
If this were Hamerotz LaMillion . . .
. . .This is the part where Grant would instruct everyone to eat ten live crickets as their first task.
Somebody clearly raided Phil Keoghan’s closet.
GRANT: In just a few moments, you’ll be heading off on Australia’s first ever Amazing Race.
“The twist is that you will have the rare opportunity to conduct this race ENTIRELY within our nation’s borders! Lucky you!”
Oh wait. That’s another franchise.
– There are twelve rounds. Eight of them are elimination points, therefore no crazy twists.
GRANT: The first team to reach the finish line at the end of this opening leg. . .
Don’t do it, Grant. I have a feeling I know what you are about to pull out of your ass, and I don’t think I will like it one bit.
– Best part is that a bumbling soundtrack I have never heard in TAR before begins playing as if the teams are being trolled. I don’t typically point out soundtrack bits anymore, but this was too amusing to not mention. It is perfectly timed. The music is practically stating “What the hell?”
“What’s an Express Pass?”
GRANT: This is a very valuable prize.
“No matter what the next ten seasons of TAR US, four seasons of TAR Canada, the next two seasons of TAR Australia, and TAR Vietnam All Stars tells you. This. Is. Valuable.”
Tom doesn’t buy it.
– Remember those three words Richard & Joey promote?
For any Islamophobes who think Mo & Mos are going extreme with praying during the middle of racing, just look at the religion of Focus-Believe-Achievism where they are wearing freakin’ T-shirts to express their faith.
Jeff’s ascot is grabbing my attention during Grant’s explanation of how the race works.
The only person who could trump that is if the Tongalese flag bearer was apart of this season at the starting line.
GRANT: The first team to cross the finish line at the end of twelve legs will receive. . . . . . . .Two hundred and fifty THOUSAND dollars!
That’s the ultimate prize? No Chevrolet vehicles? No trips courtesy of hotels dot com? That’s it?
GRANT: When I say ‘Go’, you can run over to one of the eleven clue boxes and grab your very first clue.
Well, that’s. . .unique. Where will their bags be?
Not that Tyler & Nathan packed anything of value in their bags. When their surfboards couldn’t fit in there, all that remained were a few condoms and one-tenth of a bottle of deodorant.
GRANT: Is everybody ready? The world awaits. Good luck. Race hard. Race safe.
He really has to distinguish himself from Phil.
These people don’t care, though. They are ready to collide with the clue box.
One of the helicopters stayed in the air.
Whoever is the slowest will be stuck with the clue boxes that are furthest away. This will effectively put them at a ten second disadvantage.
If only opening tasks were that forgiving.
– It is an instant Roadblock.
“Who is your tower of strength?”
NOTE: I had to re-listen to the Roadblock hint five times because their accent made it sound like the hint said “Who is your terror of strength?” and knew that couldn’t be right. Dangit, Aussies.
– Grant explains each team member can only complete six Roadblocks during the race.
Look out, Grant! There is a guy with a club right behind you!
– In this Roadblock, that person must take a number at one of the six MCG lighting towers then scale the seventy-five metre high mast. Then collect the clue and abseil down to rejoin their teammate.
Ah. A unique graphic.
I am amazed you can even abseil a lighting tower at a sports arena. Could you imagine if stadiums let locals do that during the offseason? So many sports junkies would spend their money on that. Or just stay sitting on the couch eating wings.
I believe this is the first Starting Line task in TAR history to begin with something heights related.
– Grant says teams must brave the wind and their fear of heights. If a team is afraid of wind, I question their decision to live in a country that is plopped in the middle of the freakin’ ocean.
Why is Grant standing next to the number ‘3’?
Maybe it refers to the third team that was introduced in the beginning.
The third team was Tyler & Nathan. Therefore, Tyler & Nathan are Co-Moles. I knew it.
Even Corbin wouldn’t catch that.
– Mel has a confessional.
Does anyone know what it says on Alana’s shirt?
Mo & Mos hug it out after grabbing a number.
MOS: I love my sport. I am from Victoria.
Mos needs a puff of his salbutamol inhaler and he is all good to climb that pole.
– Everyone comments on their partners being able to climb the MCG. Richard is the one who will be doing the Roadblock for his team.
Yet Joey is the one freaking out.
Ugh. I can’t put up with another full season of cowboy references. If these two make it to the end and hog up the airtime, just shoot me now.
– Kelly says Dave hates heights.
Or climbing to great heights, anyway.
– Mel, Tyler, Tracy, Dave, Renae, Ryot, Richard, and Mos are doing the Roadblock.
– Tyler drops an uncensored “holy shit” as he is first to abseil. Welcome to Aussie TV.
Look at this. Another Tyler in the history of TAR abseiling in first place.
DAVE: This is the Dad Man’s Spot.
As long as you are not Jim from TAR 25, the harness should hold.
Kelly begins to imitate the pose of the statue behind her.
– Ryot is third to abseil. Tyler makes it to the bottom.
TYLER: Too easy! That was so sick, dude.
Oh my god. Aussies really do say this. This caused a huge fight between two of my married co-workers a few months ago.
The husband claimed Aussies say this as a way to say “no problem” in slang form.
His wife thought this term was really annoying, and she would freak out (in a fun way) whenever her husband said it.
For the next few hours of the shift, the husband would repeat this term whenever he could as the wife would get angrier and angrier.
Hearing it for myself that Aussies actually do say “too easy!” amuses me to no end. This is great.
– Tyler is first to the bottom. Then Ryot. Then Dave. Speaking of bottom. . .
DAVE: I need toilet paper!
I hope he is kidding.
– The three teams read they are going to Lombok, Indonesia.
If TAR Australia copied TAR Canada’s format, it would be Lombok, Australia as opposed to Lombok, Indonesia. Grant informs us that teams will drive themselves to the airport, book a flight to Denpasar, then travel by BlueWater Express ferry to Lombok. The three “fast boats” will depart thirty minutes apart.
Non-sponsoured cars? Wow.
It wouldn’t be a season premiere if not for split up departure times in the following morning.
– Once in Lombok, they will search the fishing village for their next clue.
The same boat from TAR Asia 4 is still here.
Oh yes. TAR Asia 4. This was the round where Hussein revealed that he made Natasha count local currency for fun on weekends.
Some may say that it is a duplicate by taking a boat from Denpasar to Mataram, then finding the clue in the net of an outrigger, but we should note teams are taking BlueWater Express as opposed to Ocean Star Boat Express to get to Lombok. Huge difference.
NATHAN: We’re first, dude.
TYLER: Let’s follow the signs, dude.
NATHAN: Let’s go, dude.
They really need to star in the Aussie adaptation of “Dude, Where’s My Car?”
– Tyler talks about being really competitive.
TYLER: As long as we get there first, we’re happy.
– Dave gets in the car.
DAVE: We’re going to bloody Lombok.
But there is so much to see in Australia, Dave!!!!!!11111
– Mel starts abseiling.
MEL: I have the biggest wedgie ever!
Unfortunately you can’t strangle a wedgie, Mel.
– Richard reaches the bottom in fourth. Joey tears the clue off of him.
Normally they would say “focus-believe-achieve” here, but given the current positioning, I think Joey may just want to skip straight to achieving.
JOEY: To be straight bang out of Australia was incredible.
Dear god. I am weeping as a Canadian viewer. Three and a half seasons into TAR Canada and only a grand total of six rounds out of a possible forty have left the country. Sigh.
This is how TAR is supposed to be.
– Mel is fifth to complete the Roadblock. Alana is jumping up and down while screaming.
Alana has more adrenalin pumping than Mel.
– When they read the clue, Alana squeals as if she just swallowed a bar of soap.
– Renae is preparing to do the Roadblock. She is the next in line for the annual tradition of “Will this person complete this heights related task or chicken out?” edit that we see every bloody season.
RENAE: When I see that tower, I was gonna spew.
#1 Aussie Spewer.
“If you are going to spew, make sure the wind blows it away from my direction.”
“If you don’t, you are paying for this outfit.”
Tracy is having as much fun as Renae.
– Renae eventually decides to block out her fear (and spew), and slowly rappels down.
MO: She is taking forever. Seriously.
You picked the wrong tower, Cousin Mos.
Their third teammate is in their hearts. R.I.P. Cousin Mose.
Way to troll another team, Sam.
– Renae calls down Sam to keep talking to her. Sam compliments her looks.
– Tracy keeps dropping until she stops in mid-air.
ANNE-MARIE: She sort of stopped and hung there. I thought “oh my god, she’s died”.
Maybe a team won’t make it past the starting line task again, after all.
Being tortoises didn’t work out so well.
– Renae completes the task in sixth.
RENAE: If I wasn’t hanging on by the thing, I would have kissed the ground. That’s how happy I was to see it.
She has to settle for kissing Sam instead.
Sam seems a lot smaller compared to Renae.
– Tracy collapses in seventh.
One Roadblock down. Five to go.
TRACY: Emily. . .don’t make me run.
I think Anne-Marie will back off for now.
– Tracy Read reads that there is 140 (Aussie?) Dollars for this leg of the race.
I doubt Tracy will even want to run to the car. Maybe if they are in tenth.
Look at how supportive they are of each other.
I am surprised the Golden Girls theme didn’t begin to play in the background.
– Matt, Jeff, and Chris are all doing the Roadblock.
– Matt is done in eighth. Chris in ninth.
Yes, Matt even copies Jet & Cord’s cowboy hat stacking during Roadblocks. Please don’t copy the worst team of all time, Matt & Tom. The similarities need to end soon.
– Tom suggests they follow Chris & Anastasia. Another classic Jet & Cord tactic.
At the moment, I hope the sign says “Go Screw Yourselves”.
Okay, maybe I was a bit harsh.
– Tom makes fun of Matt for never being to Melbourne before.
MATT: People in cars is not what I’m used to.
A Mazda? Matt hasn’t seen a Mazda before?
Where’s your Bullbar? What the hell is a bullbar?
Is that the nickname Aussies give to Bulbasaur?
– Jeff finishes the Roadblock in tenth place.
Distrust: Currently 2.7% eradicated.
– Mos is dangling off the tower in last.
Mos is frightened.
MO: Mos, c’mon! You’ve got a whole cheer squad!
“They are just cheering silently.”
– Mo launches into a confessional.
MO: I’m surprised they didn’t call the police.
MO: There is a random Arab climbing the MCG. Should we be concerned?
– Teams start showing up at the airport. The first flight is at 2:30pm via Darwin. There is an direct flight at 6:45pm but it gets in an hour and ten minutes later. Tyler & Nathan book the earlier one.
“How will you be paying for this flight?”
By. . .well, it’s not by BMO Express. Is the credit card not sponsoured either in the Australian version? This is incredible. How broke is CTV in Canada in comparison to 7?!
– Ryot sighs when he parks at the airport. Dave & Kelly and Ryot & Liberty greet each other at the counter.
DAVE: How the hell are ya?
That is not the friendliest greeting I have heard.
– The agent informs them the first flight is full. They will have no choice but to be on the direct flight.
And how the hell Ryot has THREE clues in his hand already is beyond me.
– We see Tyler & Nathan’s flight path.
Which is the coolest flight path graphic I have seen. The sound effects are awesome too.
– Mos finishes abseiling.
MOS: I was the worst abseiler in the world.
I don’t know how one could measure that quantitatively, but whatever.
– Mos may or may not be the worst abseiler ever. . .
But he is the worst trunk closer in the world.
Mo’s concussion has erased his memory as to how him and Mos got into last place.
– Jeff describes Sam & Renae as bandits at his three o’ clock.
– Alana & Mel are lost on the road. They can’t figure out if what is to the left of them is a road.
MEL: Is that a road? Is that a road?! Melbourne roads are STUPID!
Not even Aussies understand their own urban planning.
MEL: We’re not going to find our way in freakin’ Indonesia when we can’t find our way in Melbourne.
– Alana & Mel talk about how they have never gone driving together before.
Alana worries about how this race will go.
– Chris & Anastasia convince people to let them cut in line at the airport. They encounter Dave & Kelly and Ryot & Liberty.
KELLY: We’ve already nicknamed you two.
ANASTASIA: What is it?
KELLY: Muscles and Bambi.
And then Kelly finds out Anastasia is an orphan. Now THAT would be awkward.
ANASTASIA: My mom calls me Bambi!
Kelly is proud of herself.
– Matt & Tom see Richard & Joey a.k.a. The Competitive Yellow Team slightly ahead of them on the road.
I don’t think Australia has mobs.
– Richard & Joey are pissed that Matt & Tom caught up.
Richard & Joey run to the ticket counter then. . .
TOM: I dunno. I’ve never flied out of the country before.
MATT: We were both a bit bushed.
– They approach a random counter.
TOM: We’re trying our best to get to Indonesia.
MATT: How do we go and buy our ticket?
Tom looks at a folded piece of paper for guidance.
The agent is not too kind to Matt & Tom.
“Jetstar? That’s an unusual name for a bloke, don’t you think Tom?”
– Anne-Marie & Tracy park at the top of the car park. They are not too excited for the walk down.
TRACY: Nothing is smooth-sailing for us.
And nothing ever will be on the race.
– Anne-Marie asks an employee (who is sitting in a car for some reason) where the Premium Parking is located.
ANNE-MARIE: We’ve got no money to get out of the car park.
Wait. Didn’t they get over one hundred bucks for this leg of the race? How did they already run out of money?
Note to self: Never use car parks in Melbourne.
– Commercial break. We resume.
ANNE-MARIE: We hadn’t even left the country and we couldn’t even get out of the car park!
Less than twenty minutes into the first episode and a team is already begging for money. TAR Australia is brutal.
ANNE-MARIE: We hadn’t even left the country and we’re still stuck in a car park.
I think Tian & Jaree had an easier time heading to the airport in TAR 4 than you guys did.
– Tracy asks for three dollars.
Or as we like to call it, a Tortoise Toonie.
– Sam & Renae, Alana & Mel, and Jeff & Luke park in the correct area. So do Anne-Marie & Tracy and eventually Mo & Mos.
– Mo & Mos are informed by the agent that every team except for one (Tyler & Nathan) will be on their flight.
This is highly irresponsible of production. They expose Tracy’s American Express credit card information on screen. If she had to beg for three dollars before, I can’t imagine what she will be begging for once the season premiere airs.
Do you know how much more offensive if it would be if the reverse had happened? The top ten teams were all on the same flight together, and the two Islamic men had to be on their own an hour and ten minutes behind everybody else? That would not have gone over well.
– Now here is something I have never seen before.
A Prayer Room in an airport. I have been to airports in Kelowna, Vancouver, Calgary, Edmonton, Toronto, Seattle, Bellingham, LA, and Las Vegas, and have never seen a Prayer Room before.
It makes sense since Canada’s Muslim population is two percent and America’s is 0.8 percent, and not a Muslim country remotely close to us.
Australia, though? They are hovering around two percent too, but with countries like Indonesia and Malaysia being the two closest to them, the prayer rooms are necessary.
MO: You think given our situation we’ll be praying a little bit harder.
Religious people can be irritating on The Amazing Race, but Mo & Mos hardly fit that criteria since they have a good sense of humour about it.
Fun fact: This episode would have filmed on November 5th, 2010.
– Grant informs us the second flight gets into Denpasar at 10:20pm.
Tyler & Nathan lost five minutes on their lead!
Look at how many people are hanging there. It is like the crowds we see during the India legs.
Even in the parking lot they linger.
– Tyler & Nathan arrive at the sign-up board. Tyler greets the locals working there.
TYLER: What’s up?!
“Are there cool waves here, bro?”
Nathan talks about the big weight being lifted off his shoulders as he writes his name on the empty board.
Now he just needs to lift the weight off the right side of his face.
– The second flight lands. It is a bit of a mad scramble initially, but teams opt to slow down together.
This could get messy.
This is much more sensible.
– Luke describes how hectic it was to arrive in a country in the middle of the night in the rain. Various teams are entering cabs.
SAM: Big Australian Kiss.
RENAE: You take Australian Princesses?
Aaaaaand cue the hate from the middle-aged women watching from the couch.
– Chris promises good money if their driver can pass the other taxis. Ryot & Liberty get passed by almost everyone.
Anastasia flexes in the lead.
– Several teams sprint out of the cab and head for the sign-up board.
Anastasia owns that board.
– Dave randomly kisses an older lady. Presumably the taxi driver?
Kelly may be out of the picture. They might be too different after all.
BOAT #1: NATHAN & TYLER; CHRIS & ANASTASIA; ALANA & MEL
BOAT #2: SAM & RENAE; DAVE & KELLY; JEFF & LUKE; ANNE-MARIE & TRACY
BOAT #3: RICHARD & JOEY; MO & MOS; MATT & TOM; RYOT & LIBERTY
I don’t know how it happened, but Anne-Marie & Tracy outran the other teams to get the last spot on the second boat.
– Matt & Tom and Ryot & Liberty are stumped as to how they arrived last at the sign-up.
TOM: We’re all in the same boat, anyway.
In other news, Anne-Marie has the worst handwriting ever.
MATT: I’m gonna go rile out somewhere.
The Aussie-isms are killing me.
There are twenty-two people asleep, but yet one person is alone. How is that possible?
– The sun rises in Denpasar.
Dogs take the place of roosters to signal the start of the day.
– Nathan is annoyed two other teams are in the same boat with him at six o’ clock.
– The second boat departs at six thirty.
– Lastly, the seven o’ clock boat embarks.
Richard & Joey have a pep talk.
RICHARD: Yesterday was yesterday.
JOEY: Today’s a new day.
RICHARD: Bring it.
JOEY: Bring it, babe.
JOEY: We’re gonna step up and–
RICHARD: We’re not leaving anytime soon.
That’s right. Step it up. Knock ’em down. Nothing will get to Richard & Joey today.
***TWO SECONDS LATER***
Richard’s greatest enemy: Seasickness when in small boats.
Focus. Believe. A heave.
– The first boat arrives at 8:27. That boat ride is nearly two hours and thirty minutes long. Yikes.
– Teams explore the village of Lombok.
“Oh god. They are Aussies this time, John. Oy.”
I like how Nathan & Tyler are suspicious of both of the kids in this picture.
Naturally this lads them to the playground.
MEL: The kids aren’t very helpful laughing at us.
“Even Lowell was able to find the clue when he traveled here by himself.”
Nathan & Tyler upgrade to asking teenagers for help.
Oh, beach volleyball. Some locals had dreams of being in the Rio Olympics.
– The second boat arrives at 8:57am. Nathan & Tyler and Chris & Anastasia are right there when it disembarks.
The seven teams are bound to find the clue simultaneously. Tough to create distance between that many groups.
– Anne-Marie & Tracy prepare to jump off the boat.
Easy now, Anne-Marie.
Anne-Marie hasn’t been that flexible since ninth grade gymnastics.
The local is not prepared.
Tracy can’t come down to help her up because she is laughing too hard.
TRACY: The villagers are all out on the beach and they are just killing themselves. I couldn’t help her up because I was laughing so hard.
Tracy uses the easy route.
Tracy is laughing so hard that she unintentionally snorts.
TRACY: Yeah, Anne-Marie is wet because she fell on her ass.
Tracy starts laughing at her friend. Again.
– Jeff views it as a game of Snakes and Ladders.
– Kids yell at Mel.
MEL: Yes! Yes! No! No! No! Yes! Where’s the box?
Mel has as much patience with children as I do.
– Dave comments on what is going on.
DAVE: Everyone from the first boat is running around like headless chooks. So we went and joined them and run like headless chooks.
That third boat will catch up to everyone easily.
Anne-Marie walks by a headed chuck. It probably has a better sense of direction than its headless counterparts.
– Anne-Marie says they are supposed to be looking for a box, but Tracy checks the outrigger.
“Would this be it? The exact same spot where they hid the clue on the exact same beach in TAR Asia 4?”
. . .
“Nah, this can’t be it.”
– Tom is on the boat talking about how nimble he is looking for things on beaches in Indonesia.
MATT: Yeah, I’ve had plenty of practice at it.
Ah, Sarcastic Cowboys. I like this much better.
– The third boat arrives at 9:05am.
Wait a second. It was two minutes faster than the other two boats. THIS IS RIGGED!
I guess that is why the clue is in an outRIGGER.
– Mo is checking around the mosque.
– Nathan & Tyler have the clue and retreat to a narrow street.
Nathan & Tyler are currently three-for-three with being the first to complete each route marker thus far. You know how they could have found the clue faster?
By noticing the cluster of Lombokers who are staring right at the outrigger.
– Tyler reads they need to travel by taxi to Pura Lingsa Temple then they must run throw a rice cake war ceremony to receive their next clue.
GRANT: This centuries old tradition appears violent, but is re-enacted to strengthen harmony between Muslim and Hindu communities.
“Hands up, don’t shoot.”
“Mohammed and Anjay are bickering again? Let’s settle this like men, guys–by throwing rice grains at each other that I scrounged from my sister’s wedding when her niece was flinging it around for fun.”
I wonder if there are any violent ceremonies to unite the Muslim and Christian communities in Lombok. That should be a priority too.
– Kelly takes note of Tyler & Nathan trying to hail a taxi. She and Dave immediately chase after them to find out where the clue is.
I love it when teams haven’t had a chance to learn each other’s names yet.
– Tyler & Nathan have no choice but to give up this information.
“You mean it’s not in a clue box?”
– Dave is happy he doesn’t have to run around in pig poo for another hour. They help Sam & Renae. Sam says a chain reaction occurs as she tells Anne-Marie & Tracy where the clue is too.
SAM: The bikers told the clue to us then we told the clue to the Big W ladies.
I think if a Canadian heard you refer to two middle-aged women as “The Big W Ladies”, they would assume that is an offensive term.
– Ryot sees Sam & Renae moving with intention. Sam tells them where to go. Richard & Joey get help from a local as they find the clue in fifth place. Matt & Tom have it in sixth place. Jeff & Luke are seventh.
For a town in Southeast Asia, Denpasar might have the record for least number of motorcycles.
– Richard & Joey run past Anne-Marie & Tracy.
Hard to believe, but yes, Richard does overtake Anne-Marie in a matter of seconds.
– Richard & Joey get into a taxi.
JOEY: We’re ahead of them, baby.
RICHARD: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
JOEY: We’re ahead of the Moms. They’re a bit nuts.
RICHARD: We’re taking them down. I don’t like ’em.
Wait a second. The team who is overall the most competitive, focused, and physically fit couple in this season has chosen a couple of middle-aged, goofy, and out of shape women as their biggest enemies?
Including one of them who was so uncoordinated that she fell completely on her ass when climbing down just two feet from a boat.
This is officially Ray Hosteau territory. “I am not going to lose to a seventy year old man and his wife! Nor two forty year old women who work at Wal-Mart! Even if it was a game of Checkers, we’d have them beat.”
This is great for the comedic value of this season. A storyline like this turns a good season into a fantastic season. Thank you Richard & Joey for this potentially incredible comedic gift. I appreciate it.
ANNE-MARIE: Tracy! Tracy! What’s the matter?
TRACY: I’m hurting bad.
Meanwhile, Richard & Joey are shaking in their boots.
ANNE-MARIE: We need to run, Tracy. Sometimes.
TRACY: We also need to breathe!
ANNE-MARIE: Sometimes don’t worry about breathing.
Tracy’s next biggest obstacle will be a Roadblock where she has to walk and chew gum simultaneously.
– Matt & Tom and Jeff & Luke both have cabs.
This slang is getting ridiculous.
– Joey brags about covering all of the nets.
– Chris & Anastasia silently communicate with a local. Chris understands what he is miming. They search the boats. Mo & Mos, Ryot & Liberty, and Alana & Mel are there altogether.
Chris & Anastasia are in eighth (Chris hushes her some reason even though everyone else has the clue too), Mo & Mos are ninth, Ryot & Liberty are tenth, and Alana & Mel have fallen from the first boat all the way down to last. Ryot claims they were there for only ten minutes.
“Shhh, shhh. Nobody needs to know we blew our lead despite being on the first boat.”
MOS: I love the old ladies from Big W. From WA.
MO: I want one of them to be my adopted mother.
Anne-Marie & Tracy may be out of it with the Believers and Achievers, but they sure are a hit with the Muslim community.
MEL: We’re in last. Game over.
Game over, mate. Game over, mate.
– Commercial break. We resume. Alana doesn’t know how they will come from behind and push it to the max.
JOEY: We need to focus on the next thing, next.
Then what do you do after you focus, Joey? -_-
– Mo & Mos talk about the upcoming task.
MOS: We get to run through cakes.
MO: Being thrown at us.
MOS: I’m fine with that. It’s every fat man’s dream apparently.
Just keep your head down but your mouth open.
“If only I was Aussie instead of German!”
– Tyler & Nathan run through the crowd. One exploded all over Tyler’s face.
NATHAN: It was intense.
Kelly & Christy would love this task.
This must be when Tyler was hit the hardest.
I wonder what somebody would look like if they got hit in the side of the face enough times because they were running too slow.
Oh. That’s Harvey Dent’s true origin story. If only you and Rachel didn’t get stuck in that rice cake throwing extravaganza!
Run fast, boys!
– Tyler & Nathan open the clue. It’s a Detour. Cash or Carry.
– In Cash, teams must search for a marked bakso stall.
This vendor is mediocre. It makes you go “bakso what?” after eating it.
They must prepare and sell fifteen bowls of this local delicacy for no less than 5, 000 Rupiah before handing over the cash to the stall owner in exchange for their next clue.
Mmmmm. That food.
Mmmmm. That hair.
In Carry, teams must search for a market stall and select a basket of produce and deliver it in the traditional manner–on their head. They will deliver it to another market stall which is also within the market.
Yep. This was a Detour option during the Lombok leg in TAR Asia 4 as well.
GRANT: This balancing act is a skill so teams that can stay level-headed can stay in front of the competition.
Grant smirks after a pun. How cute. Although Grant’s wording sounds awfully familiar. . .
ALLAN: With the pressure of elimination hanging in the balance, teams better be level-headed to stay in the game.
You have to be fucking kidding me! This episode is such a clone that Active is even re-using the same pwuns! That’s plagiarWusm!
– Tyler & Nathan choose Carry.
NATHAN: We had cricket-sized flour bombs thrown at us. It hit me in the face.
TYLER: We got flogged.
Cricket the animal or cricket the sport? I never know with Aussies.
I shall adjust to the Aussie lingo soon enough.
– Sam & Renae are second to the flour power.
If this were TAR US, casual fans would complain that the White racers are being hit much harder than the minorities or something like that.
– Renae says the locals were evil.
RENAE (reaches clue box): G’day.
Who is Renae talking to?
– Just like Tyler & Nathan, they choose Carry.
They need to keep their hair like that all season. Sam’s bandana must remain too.
– Rchard & Joey are third to the taxi–they beat Anne-Marie & Tracy in the biggest upset in TAR Australia history thus far. Richard is in the cab complaining he was hit in the eye right before the clue box. He cannot see out of his eye.
Let Joey poke it out for you then. With his eye injury, dare I say he will have issues being able to FOCUS his vision?
– Dave & Kelly is fourth. One local absolutely brutalizes Dave.
He did a freakin’ spinning flour uppercut.
Remember how they are billed as bikers?
Well, they look like clowns now.
– Mo & Mos complete the task in fifth. Anne-Marie & Tracy are next. Needless to say, they do not run fast. In fact, the locals take it easy on them.
ANNE-MARIE: It was like I had coral in my hair.
“It’s not a tumour.”
Nobody uppercuts Anne-Marie & Tracy. Instead they gently place a couple of leaves in Tracy’s hair.
– Matt & Tom are next.
Tom uses his backpack as a shield.
– Jeff & Luke finish the task in eighth.
– Tyler & Nathan are ready to Carry.
Tyler & Nathan are all set.
Camera casually pans to the right.
This isn’t awkward for Tyler & Nathan whatsoever.
– Tyler keeps asking Nathan where they are going. Nathan is finding it easy as Tyler repeatedly wants to quit this task. The locals laugh hysterically each time it falls off Tyler’s head.
They are pointing and laughing at him.
So is Burton.
NATHAN: He washed his hair last night and he thinks that’s the reason why it kept sliding off his head.
“Stop bloody sliding.”
– Ryot & Liberty are ninth.
LIBERTY: Those kids were brutal. It’s like they had license to kill.
– Joey suggests they sell two bakso bowls for 10, 000 Rupiah. Richard thinks that is brilliant.
– Chris & Anastasia are tenth to the clue box, and are on their way back.
ANASTASIA: I’m gonna falllll.
Muscles rescues Bambi from the hunters.
– Before exiting the scene, Chris turns back to give one last message to the kids of Denpasar.
CHRIS: You pussies!
Wow. You can get away with it all on Aussie television. A contestant just referred to a group of children as weak ass pussies. If the camera cuts to a kid crying from Chris’ insult, it is all his fault.
– Alana & Mel are last.
MEL: We have to do Cash. We’ve knackered.
My British fellow Michael Harmstone uses the word ‘knackered’, but it appears Aussies use that word too.
– Sam & Renae and Richard & Joey are second and third to the Detour. Richard & Joey go for Cash. Sam & Renae opt for Cash.
Were Sam & Renae being sincere or were they throwing off Tyler & Nathan’s concentration by talking to them?
Richard makes the 2-for-10, 000 pitch.
Joey also does it but with more energy.
Cue the graphic!
– Sam attempts to balance the produce on her head.
With bizarre hand movements in the process.
– Richard counts up the money Joey has taken in. Uh oh. Looks like the locals gave them 1, 000 instead of 10, 000.
The counter goes down. Fail.
JOEY: We just have to make sure that we really focus, and believe in each other, and we can achieve what we need to do.
Dear god. We’re barely halfway through the first episode.
– We immediately cut to Tyler & Nathan balancing produce.
I love how awkward Tyler & Nathan look when moving with the baskets on their heads.
Sam continues to experiment with various strategies. . .or a cop has just pulled a gun on her. One of the two.
Tyler uses his peripherals to be aware of their lead.
NATHAN: Holy shit!
Holy shit! They can curse on Aussie cable television!
– Commercial break. We resume. Sam & Renae’s badassery is replayed.
TYLER: I was walking dead ted crab guy, and these girls just go like ‘wooo’ past us. How did they do that?
(TYLER’s basket falls.)
TYLER: I dropped my basket a good few metres from the finish.
NATHAN: You were checking them out. That’s why.
R.I.P. Tyler’s balancing act.
Also, they can say ‘shit’ on TV and still have it be a PG rating? What a country.
– Tyler & Nathan switch.
After being first to complete the opening three tasks, Sam & Renae whoop everyone.
– Sam reads they must take a taxi to Malimbu Beach. Once there they will take a traditional boat to Gili Trawangan Island. Then they must go snorkelling to find a briefcase at the bottom of the ocean floor. Then they must take a briefcase to a beach hut and count the money inside. Each briefcase contains a different amount of cash.
This is all one route marker?!
Yaaay TAR Australia!
NOTE: Taking an outrigger, diving for a briefcase, and counting the money was a Roadblock in TAR Asia 4. However, they scuba dived to the bottom rather than snorkel. Exact same freakin’ beach.
You can see why Lombok is used in consecutive Active seasons.
That does not look like a shallow dive.
Does this bank have debit?
The one task where having Hussein as a partner was useful in all of TAR Asia 4.
Sadly, this crew member will only be paid 0.1 percent of what is inside of that briefcase for standing outside for hours and hours today.
– Renae is proud of flooring their performance. Sam said they split it. These expressions are getting to me.
– Matt & Tom are next to attempt Carry. So are Jeff & Luke.
MATT: It sat in nice like an egg in an egg cup.
Oh, the farming analogies.
– Tyler & Nathan and Dave & Kelly are at the Cash option trying to sell bakso.
DAVE: It’s the Good Morning Special!
“The secret ingredient is flour! Don’t eat this if you have a gluten allergy!”
– Anne-Marie & Tracy sell bakso which locals tell them is very good. Ryot & Liberty are there as well. Dave is struggling.
DAVE: My children need to eat! Please!
The locals find his BS amusing.
DAVE: I made such a beautiful meal up for em. All the lovin’ I could offer them young ladies, I couldn’t sell one bowl. This is a dud car.
Nobody appreciates Dave’s cooking. So sad.
– Dave & Kelly switch to Carry. Matt & Tom yell at Dave & Kelly to not touch them.
– Luke is focusing on the task at hand.
– Luke says the local ladies thought it was hilarious men were balancing baskets on their heads, and that they tried it being stiff-necked and breathing as little as possible.
Luke will be the first to die from asphyxiation without anybody or anything coming into contact with his nose or throat.
– Jeff & Luke have an off-camera pep talk and take another go at it.
Jeff is the stronger of the two at this task.
– Luke loses his basket as more women laugh at him.
This is more entertaining than Indonesia’s Funniest Home Videos.
– Tyler & Nathan’s taxi driver gave them a 50, 000 Rupiah note. All they have to do is give out free bowls.
That is one incredible taxi driver. Has there been a Detour where a taxi driver has done eighty percent of the work for a team, and not involve anything to do with navigation? This is a miracle.
All Nathan has to do is sell free bowls of soup.
TOM: I can see him, Matt.
It’s like Ty the Tasmanian Tiger in real life.
Matt is dressed up like freakin’ Crocodile Dundee in Lombok.
– They finish the Detour in second place. Tom points out Matt’s hat.
MATT: This hat is the bomb diggity for everything. For keeping off rice patty cake fights. . .and picking up women.
The women watching from home are wet already.
“On second thought. . .maybe not.”
– Chris & Anastasia show up to Carry (which is ironic because Carry is how Anastasia left the Detour).
– Alana & Mel are last to the Detour. Alana asks if she can use her hands. Oh, Alana.
– Dave & Kelly are moving fast.
Passing racers with relative ease.
– Tyler & Nathan hand in their 75, 000 Rupiah and finish the task in third place. Tyler & Nathan have an inappropriate conversation in the cab.
NATHAN: Doing stuff with your head.
TYLER: . . .Doing stuff with your head?
Yep. Tyler & Nathan just referenced oral sex on national television.
– Mel says their mother told them to walk with books on their head to fix their posture.
I think it’s more of a waddle than a walk, guys.
– Mel lifts up her shirt for no reason.
Mel just flashed her belly button. So promiscuous!
He has another suggestion for a flash.
MEL: Naughty boy! Naughty boy for looking there!
You’re going to have to settle for a belly button, dude.
– Anne-Marie & Tracy are at six bowls.
TRACY: Being in that market was mental!
– Richard & Joey are at nine. Mo & Mos are at three. Anne-Marie & Tracy are at eight. They mention how difficult it is to have everyone fight for the same customers. Mo sells one for 600 Rupiah, and Mos informs him that is not enough.
MO: That’s alright.
MOS: No, it isn’t.
Mo doesn’t know how this Detour works.
– Chris & Anastasia are balancing the baskets.
A local gives Anastasia some encouragement.
– Mel has to grab her basket as Anastasia creeps up behind her.
CHRIS: Watch out! Watch out!
I love how Mel’s first instinct is to step directly into Anastasia’s path.
Mel finally steps back.
– The basket tips for Chris. Commercial break. We resume.
– Dave & Kelly are on their third attempt.
He is like a puppet on strings.
– Dave & Kelly complete the Detour. What does Dave do after a day of sleeping outside, playing with flour, and running through a whole lot o’ humidity?
He suffocates a local with his armpit. I bet it smells like a flower.. . or flour.
– Dave & Kelly finish the Detour in fourth.
And now they get to snorkel.
– Dave tells Alana & Mel how far to go. Chris congratulates them on finishing.
– Mel coaches Alana to squat as they reach the finish. They have gone from eleventh to fifth place just like that.
– Ryot & Liberty up the ante as Liberty adds something extra to her bowl of bakso.
LIBERTY: I give kisses! I give kisses!
LIBERTY: Everybody gets a kiss!
What is this?
The Oprah Winfrey of Love?
LIBERTY: I have no idea how many strange men I kissed today.
“But I am pretty sure I have herpes and mono.”
“Oh, that’s nothing, sister!”
You get a kiss!
You get a kiss!
– Liberty tries to sell a bowl to a woman, and offers Ryot to plant the kiss.
LIBERTY: You want a kiss from him?
“The doctor cleared him of VD right before the race!”
– Chris & Anastasia succeed on their fourth attempt.
Ken Masters completes the Detour!
Take your bow, Chris.
– Chris starts chanting as him and Anastasia sprint through the market.
Chris high fives the crowd.
– Mos asks a local to have lunch with him. They sell their remaining bowls and have their clue in seventh place.
– Jeff & Luke finish Carry in eighth.
Distrust is now 19.1 percent eradicated.
We get to see a portion of the clue on screen.
MOs: I have done snorkelling once. It wasn’t fun.
Muslims don’t like snorkelling. Who knew.
– Mel claims this is all luck and all they need is a snorkel. I have a feeling counting the money will not be luck.
– Sam & Renae are first to the boats.
Deeper water than Renae was anticipating.
– She asks which boat is the fastest. Renae is told one is twenty-five horsepower.
RENAE: I grew up in the country of WA (Western Australia?). Love my box. Love my boats.
I -really- want to make a Steph & Kristen joke right now.
But I’ll wait for a better opportunity.
The boats with fifteen horsepower are left behind.
This round is in their grasps. It is all going to come down to math.
And seeing how Renae thinks people view her as the “Barbie doll type”, crushing it on a math task is the perfect opportunity to break all stereotypes.
– Ryot & Liberty sell their final bowl. They finish the Detour in ninth.
Liberty sealed their ninth place position with a kiss.
– Richard & Joey and Anne-Marie & Tracy are still selling bowls. Joey resorts to similar tactics.
JOEY: You get a dance.
JOEY: And a smile.
“What type of dance are we talkin’? It could be anything from a Charleston to you backing it up and twerking. This is a very important distinction here.”
JOEY: Nobody else will give you that with their soup, do they?
This is right after Liberty made out with half of the village. Joey’s extra value may seem a bit weak.
Anne-Marie & Tracy finish the Detour in tenth through hard work. No twerking or kissing required.
– We cut back to a pre-season confessional from Tracy.
TRACY: The biggest challenge for Anne-Marie and myself would have to be. . .would be stripping to our swimwear. That would just be horrendous.
Anne-Marie & Tracy are getting way more than they bargained for in the opening leg. This will truly test if they have the desire to stick it out in this race long term.
– Richard & Joey are down to their last bowl.
Their last sale is to a random woman sitting in a wagon.
– Richard & Joey are in dead last. Jeff & Luke talk about how Carry was really hard.
– Mo & Mos discuss the upcoming task.
MOS: I’m going to struggle miserably.
MO: It’s alright. Remember?
Right up there with fellow Muslim reality TV contestant Adel who possesses Chaos and Mayhem.
MO: You know who we haven’t seen the whole trip? Are those first two boys.
MOS: Either they are ahead or struggling miserably.
MO: Zac Efron and Co.
Man. You know it is the early 2010s when a Zac Efron reference pops up.
– Tyler & Nathan and Matt & Tom pick boats. Dave & Kelly are fourth to the boat. Everyone is counting boats.
– Alana & Mel are fifth into a boat.
– Ryot & Liberty are very close to arriving at the boat.
But Liberty is having an issue.
LIBERTY: Empty stomach in a car through windy roads just didn’t help me.
Yes! Our first vomiting scene of TAR Australia!
“Thank the gods you waited until AFTER the Detour to throw up. Something tells me the locals may have rejected a kiss from you if you vomited beforehand.”
LIBERTY: I think all I’ve eaten over the past two days is one piece of toast and a muesli bar. So just lack of food, dehydration, and I am not very fit at all.
We hear more retching.
I have a feeling Liberty is not just standing there to observe the scenery.
LIBERTY: One minute.
“Just need a minute to dry heave some more.”
– Commercial break. We resume and replay every moment of Liberty vomiting. Out of all the things replayed after a cliffhanger, it is someone freakin’ puking their guts out.
LIBERTY: Our fabulous cab driver now has a dirty cab.
But at least his cab company is promoted on TV.
– Sam & Renae have their snorkel gear.
Sam moonwalks her way into the water.
– Chris & Anastasia’s cab pulls over.
CHRIS: Malimbu Beach?
DRIVER: Yes, but it is not here.
CHRIS: Where is it?
DRIVER: In the next place.
Wow. Their driver not only pulled over in the wrong location, but did so intentionally thinking Chris & Anastasia would want to walk to the route marker.
They have a hike up ahead.
CHRIS (sounding like Arnold Schwarzzeneger): C’mon Tasia! I hate it when we do this shiiit.
And it is not going well.
CHRIS: The water ends. The water ends.
Their taxi completely screwed them over.
– Anastasia suggests it is safer to go back up to get a taxi.
– Richard & Joey pass by Chris & Anastasia.
CHRIS: They’re all beating us. Can we just walk?!
You think Chris would have enough roid rage to run after Richard & Joey’s cab until it got to the beach.
Another taxi passes. We haven’t been told who it is.
ANASTASIA: Chris lost his cool a little bit.
CHRIS: IT’S JUST A LITTLE BIT OF WATER, PLEASE! I BEG YOU!
ANASTASIA: We can’t get through.
CHRIS: WE CAN! WE HAVE TO GO IN WATER ANYWAY!
Oh my god. Bambi is about to get shot by Ahnold. Instead of following the taxis, they walk in the opposite direction and go back on the main road.
Chris is still losing his cool in the confession.
– Ryot & Liberty are right behind Richard & Joey. Ryot bumps Liberty with his backpack.
LIBERTY: That’s the last thing I needed.
– Jeff & Luke and Mo & Mos are all there too. Same with Anne-Marie & Tracy. Chris & Anastasia hop in too.
CHRIS (Ahnold voice gone): Second-last ain’t last, baby.
Thank goodness Mika is not Chris’ partner. She would quit having to go in water this deep.
– Matt says a team is right up on their clacker. Tyler & Nathan have yet to see Sam & Renae, and presume they must have been smashing it.
– Sam & Renae dive into the water.
RENAE: I actually lost my breath. I had no air but I still kept going down.
Renae is exaggerating. If she had no air, she would have drowned.
There is no shortage of underwater cameras for this task.
That briefcase looks heavy.
– Sam & Renae spot Tyler & Nathan a.k.a. The team they refer to as “The beanie boys”.
“We’re gonna get those girls.”
– Sam & Renae enter their hut.
Sam opens up the briefcase.
SAM: You kidding?
SAM: We open it and there is thousands upon millions of notes. We’re not talking 50, 000; 100, 000. It’s 1,000; 2, 000; and 5, 000.
You know what would make it even harder?
If some of these were counterfeit. By the way, who is on the 2, 000 Rupiah note?
– Sam & Renae begin counting.
SAM: You gotta take it in your head.
RENAE: Sorry. (hushed voice) Two, four, six, eight–
SAM: You gotta take it in your head.
It would be funny if they were ninety percent of the way through then Renae starts counting out loud again.
– Tyler & Nathan/Beanie Boys/Surfers/Zac Efron & co. have the briefcase.
– Matt & Tom prepare to dive. They talk about not doing much diving at home unless they are building a dam and have to duck dive for a pump or some Aussie farming gibberish.
– Renae thinks they forgot to count a note. She accidentally counts out loud again even though Sam is gathering notes too. No backlash for it this time, however.
RENAE: Nevermind. I am doing it right. Stressing out.
I can’t wait for when Liberty is stressed and begins ralphing all over the Rupiah to turn it into Ralphiah.
– Tyler & Nathan begin counting.
– Tom has their briefcase. Dave grabs one.
– Tom decides they will take a pile each.
MATT: Is that the best way to do it?
Well, it doesn’t sound like a very exact method.
– Dave warns Kelly to be careful when opening the briefcase.
KELLY: Holy shitballs.
Farmers, models, surfers, and bikers all have to do a tedious counting challenge. This is truly anybody’s game.
– Richard & Joey state swimming is their strength because they are the sporty couple, and bolt into the water. Mos is more off balance than Tyler carrying the basket of produce.
Mos is off balance once.
Mos is off balance twice.
– Anne-Marie & Tracy get into their “swimming costumes”.
TRACY: Swimming costumes. Nightmare.
ANNE-MARIE: You know what? I didn’t even think about our swimming costume. I’m thinking about it now, though.
TRACY: Not good at all.
Fun fact: These swimming costumes are now on sale for thirty percent off at Big W.
“Not good at all.”
– Richard & Joey have a briefcase. So do Jeff & Luke.
– Tyler is mentally drained by the sheer number of numbers in his head, and how thirsty he is. Luke thought it would be a straight-forward thing to do until he realized how many notes there were.
– Ryot and Mel snag the briefcases for their respective teams.
– Chris tells Anastasia to be positive. He realizes they are the last boat.
– Mo takes a while to get the energy to go down and grab a briefcase. Chris has his.
– Sadly, Anne-Marie & Tracy are last.
TRACY: This task was harder for us than anybody else.
– Both are taking several attempts to just dive down.
Anne-Marie is rotating on the surface. This will be up to Tracy.
Tracy gets this far before coming up for air.
– Tracy eventually has the briefcase.
TRACY: I pass it to Anne-Marie. “Hang onto it, hang onto it.”
Hang onto it.
ANNE-MARIE: I think I dropped it.
That’s a pretty safe assumption.
For the second time today, Tracy is around when somebody or something falls on its ass.
– Commercial break. We resume.
This is not Anne-Marie’s day.
My hunch tells me Grant picked Anne-Marie to be The Mole. What a clumsy act of sabotage!
– Tracy dives down again and hands it to Anne-Marie.
TRACY: Don’t. Drop it.
Yeah, Anne-Marie didn’t fumble it twice. Both are absolutely winded.
ANNE-MARIE: I didn’t think it would be that deep.
Welcome to the ocean, Anne-Marie.
– Dave is counting aloud. Everyone is using various strategies. Liberty loves this challenge.
LIBERTY: I’ve never seen so much money before in my life. I am really glad we got a challenge like this. We couldn’t have asked for a better challenge. We both love numbers. We’re both pretty good with numbers.
Rupiah rupiah bills, y’all.
– Mo & Mos decide on bundles. Tyler & Nathan submit a guess. It’s wrong.
Look at that chalkboard. It is like John Nash from A Beautiful Mind.
“Aren’t you taking this Rupiah note counting a bit too far, John?”
– Matt & Tom are rejected too.
Tom has a stand-off with the accountant, but I doubt the accountant is going to budge.
– Matt & Tom retreat to their hut.
Forgetting something, boys?
– Anne-Marie & Tracy are last into a hut.
TRACY: It’s just like the float at work.
Which is better than the float they just had on the water.
– Sam’s answer is not approved.
If you turn Sam down one more time, she will expose you to The Gun Show.
– Alana hates being dehydrated. Dave wants Kelly to help him out with this task. Meanwhile, Luke states they were going nowhere fast and are also rejected. So are Tyler & Nathan again.
– Anne-Marie & Tracy try to succeed with this.
Tracy would normally be good at this, but she must be the most exhausted contestant at the moment.
TRACY: We work in a retail shop for goodness sake. We should be able to count money.
ANNE-MARIE: All the zeroes were hard. Really hard.
“We don’t work with zeroes in retail.”
– Matt & Tom try again despite a 2, 000 note being buried in the ground.
TOM: C’mon buddy.
Tom loses another stand-off.
– Chris asks Anastasia if she is sure she wants to be counting. Yeah, Anastasia wants to count.
– Alana & Mel are rejected. Dave limps to the accountant, but it earns no sympathy. Dave throws down the chalk board and gets bleeped.
DAVE: Get out of here!
KELLY: Pick it up.
DAVE: Yeah, I had a bit of a sad moment.
Pick up your toys, Davie.
– Dave picks up coral around him.
“What’s this amongst the coral?”
DAVE: I think this belongs to you, boys.
– Yep. Dave finds Matt & Tom’s missing note.
QUESTION: What would have happened if Dave handed this note to another team? That would have really messed up producers.
– Tom acknowledges that Dave saved them.
TOM: We would still be out there if not for Dave.
– Richard & Joey are turned down.
– Sam & Renae are correct. Sam screams.
“You’re the best!”
– Sam & Renae read that they will be going to the pit stop. How will they get there? If you have seen TAR Asia 4, you can probably guess.
Yep. It’s a goddamn cidomo. The local and/or only form of animal transportation in Lombok.
– Grant says Gli Trawangan is a popular tourist spot (and international TAR destination), and will also be the first pit stop.
– Dave & Kelly are somehow the second team to complete this task. Ryot & Liberty are up to third.
DAVE: I love your work, man.
Producers and a boom mic capture every angle of another one of Dave’s sweaty hugs.
– Dave reads the clue.
DAVE: Far out beauty.
I think this episode has successfully covered every bit of Australian slang that exists.
I am amazed Liberty can jump up and down without vomiting feeling queasy.
– It is a fixed dash to the pit stop.
For the first time ever, an all-female team wins the opening leg of a new TAR franchise (I think).
“Welcome to Indonesia–where every franchise and their mother will travel to repeatedly as if India and China doesn’t exist anymore.”
Sam & Renae await the good news.
GRANT: Sam & Renae. . .you are team number one!
– Sam screams at the absolute top of her lungs.
Well, the other ten teams know the pit stop can’t be too far away.
– Grant tells them they have won 10, 000 dollars courtesy of NAB Classic Banking.
And if that isn’t enough. . .
An asterisk will run across the screen!
Look at that asterisk! Isn’t that majestic?
What the hell? Did I just watch an asterisk get murdered on The Amazing Race? Jesus. The Aussie producers are sadistic.
“We killed that asterisk like a boss.”
GRANT: As well as this. . .coveted Express Pass.
Is it really coveted?
Renae just got Liberty’d.
SAM: It’s an amazing feeling. We just proved people wrong. It’s not funny. WA all the way.
SAM: The first Australian team to check in ever. Ever!
Well. . .we know what they meant.
FIRST PLACE: SAM & RENAE
The second Australian team to check in ever. Ever!
SECOND PLACE: DAVE & KELLY
– Ryot & Liberty slide into the mat.
You thought I was joking?
GRANT (fake laugh): Oh! Ha ha! Get on up, guys.
Like a Spew Machine!
THIRD PLACE: RYOT & LIBERTY
“There is toast and a protein bar waiting for you at the hut, Liberty.”
– Jeff & Luke are done in fourth. Jeff & Luke are fifth. Sad music plays as Nathan talks about how each team yelling was a hit to his heart.
NATHAN: It just felt like you were sliding further and further down.
Well, do something about it, Nathan. Stop. Bloody. Sliding.
– Richard tries to give tips on how to re-count it.
JOEY: We’re going to lose this challenge because you’re not listening. Splat yourself, now.
– An ice cream cyclist waits outside of Mo & Mos’ hut. Ice cream music plays.
MO: Just torture us, why don’t you?
– Mo waves his bills in the air.
MO: I can’t affo