The Amazing Race 18 Unfinished Business Season Finale Rankings

Final episode

“You Are The First All-Female. . .Oh Wait” (Episode Blog #273)

COUNTRIES VISITED
—-

AUSTRALIA – JAPAN – CHINA – INDIA – AUSTRIA – LIECHTENSTEIN – SWITZERLAND – BRAZIL – UNITED STATES

NUMBER OF TIMES MENTIONED IN THE ‘PREVIOUSLY ON TAR’ SEGMENT

GARY & MALLORY 6
FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY: 5
ZEV & JUSTIN 5
JET & CORD 4
KENT & VYXSIN: 3
AMANDA & KRIS 2
MEL & MIKE 2
JAIME & CARA: 2
MARGIE & LUKE: 2
RON & CHRISTINA 2
KISHA & JEN: 1. lol.

Previously on TAR: Four teams flew from Zermatt, Switzerland to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. In Switzerland, Flight Time & Big Easy found the best flight out to Rio. However, Big Easy didn’t have his game face on in a confrontation with Gary & Mallory, and all four teams found themselves on the same flight.

Once in Rio, it got worse for the Globetrotters as they missed a critical tram that put them in last place. Zev would struggle at the Detour, and give the Globetrotters a chance to even the score.

Things got a bit hairy as all teams underwent a painful Brazilian waxing job. At the Detour, Gary & Mallory served up a great performance, and secured first place. For Zev & Justin, it was anything but a day at the beach as they finished in last place, and were eliminated from the race.

Three teams remain; who will win the race. . .tonight?

I will now discuss our Final Three teams in the order they finished on the last leg.

GARY & MALLORY: Despite a short layoff since TAR 17, they have stumbled only once during this season. You would think Mallory is too hyper to focus on getting through the race, but her and challenge beast Gary have been the strongest of the three remaining teams. If they can maintain their usual attitude and utilize their strengths, Gary & Mallory will go down as the most popular winners that TAR has ever had, and make Unfinished Business a worthwhile experience for viewers.

KISHA & JEN: Kisha laughs. Jen yells. There has to be more to them than that, right? Kisha & Jen’s key alliance with Zev & Justin is now over. While Kisha & Jen have never won a leg, they have been the most consistent team since day one. They have never dominated but have never been in danger of elimination either. In this final round they must take some risks if they want to claim the prize. They are a team who works well with others as well as succeeding on their own–the team producers wished would re-ignite old rivalries is nowhere to be found this season. Kisha & Jen want this victory badly, and will not stoop to whatever pre-season visions that producers had for them to entertain us.

HERB & NATE: They dance. They sing. They make basketball analogies. Flight Time & Big Easy have yo-yoed the most throughout the season. They have gone from worst to first on multiple occasions. Let’s face it, Herb & Nate are the most prone of the Final Three to make serious mistakes. Herb & Nate both perpetuated and were the victims of a U-Turn this season, but yet survived both rounds without heavy implications. Herb & Nate renewed their strategy of relying heavily upon their connections with other teams. This does not bode well for them in the every round where alliances no longer come into play.

– Phil introduces us to Rio–the pulse-pounding and heart and soul of Brazil. Wow. Sao Paolo and Brasilia must be pissed that Rio gets such a ridiculous amount of praise by Phil.

miami bridge

I assume this is not the tourist-y side of Rio that they want advertised.

PHIL: The people of this city possess countless passion from samba to soccer.

Yes, because no other country possesses a passion for a particular dance or the most popular sport on the planet. It really is countless.

PHIL: But right now the whole city is racing to revitalize itself for the 2014 World Cup.

Unless you are that soccer stadium in the Amazon–that was the exact opposite of a revitalization.

miami sweep

Just like in the Karate Kid, this guy is sweeping the last leg.

miami exercise

Show-off.

– The Museum of Contemporary Art is part of the race to the future, and was the eleventh pit stop in a race around the world.

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Phil doesn’t like to be near the museum, eh?

– Gary & Mallory, who arrived first at an unspecified time, will depart at 8:54am.

miami cross

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One quick cross for good luck, and it’s time.

MALLORY: Fly to your final city: Miami, Florida.

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For the first and only time ever, Gary appears to be the most excited at the news of the next destination. Semi-retired people truly love Florida.

It should be noted that this will be the last time TAR US has visits Florida (as of June 2016).

– Phil recaps what Mallory just read.

miami landscape

If you squint enough, you can see Uchenna & Joyce asking for money at a traffic light.

 

miami dog

Miami: Home of the Taco Bell dog.

– When they land, they must make their way to the Rickenbacker Marina where they will find their next clue.

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The Slice of Life is docked here.

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Now Mallory chooses to get excited about Miami.

– Mallory concludes that it must be hot in Miami “right now” too (December). I guess. Mallory proceeds to ramble about being the first parent-child team to possibly win The Amazing Race. Gary wants the best seats on the flight.

miami man

Meanwhile, that guy has an awesome moustache.

– Kisha & Jen depart second at 9:05am. Kisha reads that they have 354 dollars for this leg of the race.

miami kisha jen hoffman

Which is 353 more dollars than what they received for the tenth round in Zermatt.

– Out of nowhere, Kisha mentions that she and Jen were raised by a single mom. She made sacrifices to put them in a good position. Kisha & Jen want to win a million dollars to help themselves and those close to them.

KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 21

– Gary & Mallory arrive at the airport.

– Globetrotters commence at 9:29am.

FLIGHT TIME: Miami, Florida.
BIG EASY: M-I-A. Eh! Eh! Eh!

mia paper planes

Are they going to get high like paper and fly like planes this round?

– They talk about being the strongest team.

BIG EASY: At the end of the day it’s going to end with Flight Time jumping in my arms yelling “We did it, baby!”

miami flight time big easy

What Big Easy doesn’t know is that Flight Time has been gaining at least two pounds per day to ensure Big Easy collapses under his weight when he jumps into Big Easy’s arms.

FLIGHT TIME: Yeah, we feel good. This is what we came for. Taking a chance to finish first on the twelfth leg. We got over the hump yesterday. Just going to run free.
BIG EASY: Yeah. What he said.

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Big Easy wasn’t paying attention because he was too busy trying to figure out which one of them has the balder head.

– Gary & Mallory book tickets to Miami.

miami agent

The agent needs to troll somebody by putting them on a later flight. I miss the old days of teams not being guaranteed to be equalized on the final leg.

– Kisha & Jen and Flight Time & Big Easy book the same flight that gets in at 6:30am.

– The Globetrotters ditch their bags and check them at the airport.

miami backpack

Hopefully their sheets of rap lyrics to use when in Miami are inside of that backpack too. We need to be spared of that for once.

– Flight Time repeats that he thinks he is the best team. Kisha & Jen want to win the leg that matters most. Mallory notes she is up against two professional athletes. She wants strong competition because it keeps her on her toes.

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Whether Mallory is strong remains a mystery at the moment.

miami airplane

Is nobody going to Miami? You can see the Globetrotters sitting way at the back of the plane.

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Look at this. Did producers book ninety percent of the seats on this flight?

miami plane

The final plane of the season embarks.

miami map

Six Big Kahunas are about to battle it out.

– We get more scenery shots of Miami as the plane lands.

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This is my favourite.

– Wait a second. There is a celebrity on this flight to Miami.

will smith miami

Oh f–k. It’s Will Smith. You may have been cool in the 90s Will, but not anymore.

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His lyrics are just one grade level above Flight Time & Big Easy’s.

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Willystyle? This is like Todd Packard’s WL HUNG license plate. Jesus.

– Only Jen and Mallory are wearing backpacks. I doubt there is much in there as all three teams are full on sprinting through the airport.

miami airport

I swear Big Easy jumped over the last four steps.

– Globetrotters and Kisha & Jen get into cabs. Gary & Mallory are yelling at the attendant to hire one as well.

MALLORY (head snaps): GOSH!

miami mallory ervin

Mallory pleads with a lady in front of her to be able to cut in line.

– Globetrotters are just in front of Kisha & Jen.

KISHA: Hopefully our cab driver knows where he is going and getting us there quick.

miami cab

It’s looking good.

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Kisha & Jen agree.

– Gary & Mallory have a taxi.

GARY: Hop in.
MALLORY: Sir! Please, hurry! We’re in a race! Very fast!
GARY: Oh no.

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The driver is taking his sweet time.

MALLORY: Sir! Please! Please! Sir!
GARY: He can’t hear you, Mal.

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“He has a medical condition where he blocks out anyone’s voices that sound like they originate from the Cartoon Network.”

– Flight Time informs the driver that they are racing for a million bucks.

miami flight time big easy 2

“And if we win, you’ll receive ONE dollar of it.”

– Gary & Mallory’s driver finally shows up and Mallory is immediately on his case that it is a race, and Gary adds the other two teams have left.

miami driver

“I didn’t sign up for this. Help me.”

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Mallory changes her tone and tries to act all sweet to him.

miami man 2

It doesn’t do anything; he is frazzled.

– Kisha & Jen’s driver (Lewis) prepares to pass the Globetrotters.

miami globetrotters

“Look who is right behind us.”

miami pass

miami hoffmans

“. . .Look who is right behind us.”

KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 22

MALLORY: What’s your name?
DRIVER: Sterling.
MALLORY: Sterling. Nice to meet you. You’re gonna help us win the race?

miami gary mallory ervin 7

miami sterling

STERLING: . . .

I think that might be a ‘no’, Mallory. :/
MALLORY: Should you call someone how to get there–
GARY: He knows.
MALLORY: We can do this. I’ve got a feeling we’re going to win it. I’ve had a feeling since the beginning.

miami gary mallory ervin 8

Having faith and a feeling is the TAR equivalent of having a chip and a chair.

– We cut to the marina.

miami birds

They are on the lookout for Nemo.

– Kisha & Jen and the Globetrotters make it to the clue box.

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PHIL: Miami is a city by the sea, and for many living here, boating is a way of life, but looking after expensive boats is a risky and difficult job.

miami phil keoghan 2

This would be the perfect time for there to be a *crash* sound effect as rows of boats come crashing down onto the ground.

– Climbing onto a heavy load forklift, team members have to master a complex series of hand levers that control the lifting apparatus then they must carefully transport a boat to the storage rack and avoid a catastrophe.

miami boat

miami boat 1

Boom goes the dynamite.

– Once teams have carefully secured their boat and dry dock, they will receive their next clue.

miami phil keoghan 3

Two people on a forklift at once? That is a safety violation.

– Kisha is doing the Roadblock. So is Flight Time. Kisha meets her instructor.

miami orlando

What’s next? Flight Time’s instructor is named Jacksonville?

– Jen doesn’t know how Kisha will do with heavy machinery. Big Easy tells the camera that Flight Time grew up in Arkansas and was raised on a fish farm.

miami kisha hoffman

‘Basically’ is the operative word.

KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 23

miami flight time

I don’t think Flight Time’s Arkansas background will help him here.

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FLIGHT TIME: I once worked at Wal-Mart and I worked a little forklift. . .

miami flight time 1

FLIGHT TIME: . . .But it was nothing as big as that.

– Jen observes as the teams start driving.

JEN: She’s like a pea in a salad.

miami jen hoffman

Knowing Jen’s past, saying the word ‘pea’ could lead to disastrous results for her on this leg.

– We cut to Gary & Mallory on the road. Is Sterling doing well?

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I don’t think so.

MALLORY: Can you keep driving and call someone at the same time?

miami mallory ervin 1

Oh how the laws have changed over the past five years.

MALLORY: Do you know where it is?
STERLING: . . .

miami sterling 1

Sterling is not much of a talker. . .or a driver. It is not a very reassuring combination on The Amazing Race.

MALLORY: Please. Please. Please.
GARY: You know where we’re going?

miami sterling 2

Survey says no.

– Jen hopes Kisha does not ruin other people’s boats.

KISHA: There were so many different instructions. There was forward, neutral, reverse. It was pretty intense.

So many different instructions? Aren’t those the same for a car?

– We go back to watching Mallory melt down because it is more interesting than a forklift.

miami mallory ervin 2

MALLORY: Please!

miami mallory ervin 3

miami mallory ervin 4

MALLORY: Please! Please! Please!

miami mallory ervin 5

MALLORY: Oh my god.

I think Mallory is losing that feeling.

GARY: What’s he doing?
MALLORY: Can you please call someone? Please? It’s so important.
miami gary mallory ervin 10

GARY: Everybody else is–
MALLORY: Shhh!

miami gary mallory ervin 11

Mallory just shushed her own father. This is getting intense.

MALLORY: Don’t say everybody else. We just got to get there. He’s not calling.
GARY: He’s texting! He is trying to Google it!

miami sterling 3

And under municipal law, he is now a distracted driver and could be fined up to four hundred dollars!

miami mallory ervin 6

hooked on a feeling

Ahhhhh, Mallory’s no longer hooked on a feeling!

– Big Easy starts shouting as the Roadblock approaches its conclusion.

miami big easy

BIG EASY: Flight, let it there like a 72 deuce! Drop it, Kisha! Flight, pack it on up like a U-Haul truck!

Be careful, Big Easy.

miami kisha hoffman 1

Kisha might drop it on you if you don’t shut up.

BIG EASY: C’mon Miami Vice!

miami flight time 2

Yeah. Lifting a boat using machinery on a game show is so Miami Vice.

– Big Easy starts taunting Jen.

miami big easy jen

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miami big easy jen 2

miami big easy jen 3

Now the rivalry has sparked.

miami big easy jen 4

This is the epitome of athletics banter.

“Just say you’re coming for me. C’mon. Say it. Say it. Say it.
“Uh, I’m coming for you.
“Yesssssss! Now I have a reason to live.”

– Flight Time is first to finish the Roadblock.

miami flight time 3

miami big easy 1

Big Easy is ridiculously pumped.

BIG EASY: Look at that stride! Look at that stride!

miami flight time 4

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Show off.

gloucester ron kellum

I think Ron’s stride was better, though.

– Globetrotters read that they must head to Key Largo and find the Jules Undersea Lodge.

miami jules undersea lodge

miami jules undersea lodge 1

They can’t be too far from the TAR 3 starting point.

– Flight Time thanks the cab driver for helping them be number one.

FLIGHT TIME: Number one. All day.

miami flight time big easy 3

The team that couldn’t unscramble Franz is just thirty minutes away from winning The Amazing Race.

miami kisha jen hoffman 3

Kisha & Jen are in a familiar position–not first.

– Jen reminds the driver of the Globetrotters.

JEN: We need to catch them, and we’re gonna catch them.

miami kisha jen hoffman 4

Meanwhile, unlike Sterling, Lewis lets the passengers use his phone.

– Gary & Mallory have yet to show up at the Roadblock.

MALLORY: Please. Please sir. Please do something.

miami man 3

Does nothing.

miami gary mallory ervin 12

If Gary & Mallory could find another cab, I am sure they would have jumped out by now.

MALLORY: Oh my gosh. Please. Can you–we have got to find it.

miami mallory ervin 7

I think that’s the moment you realize the dream is over.

dont dream its over.png

Fine. Don’t dream this is over. Hey now.

– Gary & Mallory start leaning out the window and yelling at other cars on the street.

miami man 4

Sterling sits quietly.

miami man 5

Ouch.

miami gary mallory ervin 13

They might have a shot if the finish line is on a sandy beach.

miami gary mallory ervin 14

Mallory pulls the ol’ “I Dream of Genie” act of despair.

GARY: There’s nobody even here.
(MALLORY lets out a growl.)

miami sterling 4

Sterling may or may not have been fired from the cab company after this episode aired.

MALLORY: Please. Please. Oh my god. Oh. Please!

miami mallory ervin 8

miami mallory ervin 9

This has turned into a two-team race.

– Commercial break. We resume. Gary & Mallory pull over as they get out and walk around.

MALLORY: HELLOOOOOO.

miami gary mallory ervin 15

I could’ve sworn Miami had a larger population.

miami mallory ervin 10They finally find someone.

– Gary says it is ten minutes away as it is three straights and a right.

miami gary ervin

Unless Gary f–ks this one up too.

FLIGHT TIME: We’ve been having fun the whole time and want to continue to have fun, but at the same time it’s the fourth quarter; it’s time to step your game up.

miami flight time big easy 4

Screw you guys. At the end of the last round you said this is overtime. Which is it? Fourth quarter or overtime? Jesus.

– Jen says she has not seen Gary & Mallory nor the Globetrotters since the end of the Roadblock.

– Gary & Mallory make it to the marina.

ROADBLOCK HINT: Who is confident about handling a boat?

miami gary mallory ervin 16

That has to be the most direct and least cryptic Roadblock hint I have ever heard of on The Amazing Race. It may as well just attach the ‘additional info’ section to the clue.

MALLORY: I am just trying to stay calm and positive because it is not over yet.

miami mallory ervin 11

But in reality, it probably is.

MALLORY: But it’s a really bad way to start the twelfth leg, but things happen and it’ll be okay.

miami mallory ervin 12

Spoiler: It will not be okay.

MALLORY: We’ve got forklifts at home. We used to play on em when we were little. I think we can make up some time here.

The idea of kids playing around on forklifts is the type of stuff we would be frightened with in high school during lessons about safety in the workplace. They would show us that one kid who got crushed by the forklift and now requires the help of a parent to assist him with going to the bathroom.

forklift operator.png

A video which Kentuckians completely disregard.

miami gary ervin 1

Your life on the farm has prepared you for this task, Gary.

MALLORY: We want to win more than anything in the world. We’ve wanted it for twenty episodes now.

miami mallory ervin 13

Or in Mallory’s case, the counter will reach twenty-two episodes.

MALLORY: We want this just as much if not more than anyone else. I still think we got a chance to do it. We have to.

miami mallory ervin 14

miami mallory ervin 15

Mallory is not handling this final round well.

MALLORY: Bad things happen and people get through them!

miami mallory ervin 16

miami mallory ervin 17

Mallory’s mood swings are hilarious.

– Gary’s boat is wobbly.

INSTRUCTOR: You’re going to do it. Believe me!

miami gary ervin 2

Gary needed a good pep talk.

– We’re in Key Largo. Flight Time tells their driver to go to the gas station and come back to the route marker. They read that it is another Roadblock.

miami roadblock

We know how much Big Easy “loved” the water during TAR 15. This will be a fun task for him.

dubai mika canaan 31

Although Big Easy didn’t “love” the water quite as much as Mika did during the season.

miami globetrotters 2

Have fun, Big Easy!

– Phil explains that Florida was known for its lavish underwater mermaid shows, and is a tradition which continues to this day.

miami mermaid

Best job ever. How much gillyweed is needed to sustain themselves, I wonder?

miami mermaid 1

I think the red mermaid exhaled from an aquabong.

miami mermaid 2

Under the sea. . .

miami mermaid 3

Where it is wetter, where it is better, under the sea.

miami mermaid 4

I will pay you guys ten bucks to play Tiny Bubbles.

– Phil says teams will explore the undersea world in a high-tech personal submarine.

miami phil keoghan 4

We need underwater personal submarine races to become a sport.

adam corsica 2

Although Adam & Rebecca may want to skip out on this competition.

miami dive

The mermaid hasn’t seen a human her whole life.

poseidon.png

INTERACTING WITH A HUMAN? I FORBID THIS!!!!

– Team members must travel through a school of mermaids (yes, a school is the proper plural term apparently) and search amongst dozens of floating treasure chests. When they find one with a clue, they can return to the surface leaving their sultry sirens behind.

miami bob dive 1

A Bob Dive sounds like some sort of underwater sex position.

miami bob dive 2

One of these chests contains a clue. . .several others contain hungry piranhas. Look out!

miami bob dive 3

miami bob dive 4

Luckily Frye from Futurama is not doing this Roadblock–he would have ran away with her to the lost city of Atlanta.

BIG EASY: I was super surprised to see a second Roadblock because I thought I was done doing Roadblocks for the rest of my life.

miami globetrotters 3

a) The tenth round of TAR 16 was the first round to feature two Roadblocks. That twist shouldn’t be a -huge- shock. This is the first season to slowly ignite the trend of having two Roadblocks in the season finale and/or the season premiere.

b) You still have three more Roadblocks in your life, Big Easy.

– Kisha & Jen are second to the second Roadblock. Jen is obviously doing it.

miami kisha jen hoffman 5

Oh my word. We have an underwater task in a season finale where Big Easy AND Jen both have to perform it. This could prove to be catastrophic.

– Kisha reminds this that “she got this” much like how Kisha did the scuba task at the start of the season.

JEN: When it said ‘submarine’, I thought “man, I have to swim” and all that panic and all of that started stirring up.

miami jen big easy

Jen and Big Easy hang onto the railing for dear life.

miami jen big easy 1

Help! Big Easy is already drowning!

– We get a flashback to the swimming Detour in Beiing from TAR 14.

miami jen hoffman 1

Here’s a question on everyone’s mind. . .why didn’t Jen learn how to get comfortable with swimming after TAR 14? It is a big part of what led to their downfall twelve hours later.

miami jen hoffman 2

I love how she still wears her bandana into the water. She is like a Caribbean pirate. Where is Johnny Depp?

JEN: I am not necessarily afraid of water; I just panic at, you know, appropriate times when people should panic. Like, if you’re drowning, you should panic.

miami kisha jen hoffman 6

I think panicking is a byproduct of fear, Jen.

miami big easy 2

miami big easy 4

This is hilarious. Big Easy looks like a tiny man in that submarine suit. It is as if he went to Papua New Guinea and got his head shrunk prior to this task.

– Jen said she took lessons for this race knowing “anything can happen”. I don’t think swimming is an unexpected task for The Amazing Race, Jen.

– The second Roadblock commences.

miami pirates

Protect the mermaids!

miami shark

The body of water is really small. There is no way a shark can fit in here and survive.

– Big Easy comments on how attractive the mermaids were.

– Jen talks about the band.

KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 24

– Jen talks about the band some more and how it threw her off.

KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 25

miami big easy 3

A million dollars, Big Easy.

I guess this is the part of the fourth quarter when the game pauses and everyone watches the cheerleaders dance.

BIG EASY: I was talking to the mermaids.

miami big easy 5

Big Easy wants to take your picture.

miami big easy 6

His anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got fins, hon.

miami flight time big easy 5

FLIGHT TIME: I didn’t know nothing about all of this.

You know it’s been a few weeks since Flight Time has gotten laid when he is jealous that Big Easy got to look at a mermaid underwater in a blurry scuba tank for a few seconds.

miami flight time 7

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Flight Time dances more than the mermaids.

– We cut to Gary handling the boat. His instructor is very enthusiastic and possesses lots of positive reinforcement.

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Which probably helps because the poles wobbling on the forklift would make someone like me nervous as hell.

INSTRUCTOR: You’re good!

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You can tell he loves his job.

– Gary receives his clue and tries to run away, but the instructor is insistent upon patting his shoulder and wishing him luck.

miami gary ervin 4

He is a very friendly dude.

– Mallory tells Sterling to drive to Key Largo and she will pay him very good if he drives very fast.

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Sterling realizes he can not live up to Mallory’s expectations, and will not be paid very good.

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Mallory knows they are far behind.

– Back to the mermaid show. Jen is forced to explain the task to us.

miami erin robinson

erin joslyn

I never knew Erin Robinson from TAR 28 was a Miami Mermaid.

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How do we know that’s Jen?

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We get a cheesy graphic at the bottom to prove it is Jen.

miami treasure

The first box Jen opens is clue-free and piranha-free.

– Big Easy says it is fun like a little motorcycle under the water. Kisha repeats Jen’s fear of water.

miami flight time kisha

JEN: She’ll make it through.
FLIGHT TIME: Hopefully she makes it through after we do.

miami flight time kisha 1

KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 26

– Mallory estimates she is twenty-five minutes behind the other teams.

– Flight Time says he is glad it is not him doing the Roadblock.

KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 27

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That bubble is not helpful.

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Big Easy has the clue.

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Jen is not impressed.

FLIGHT TIME: Let’s go get that money!

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The outfit is as tight as the showdown between him and Kisha & Jen.

– Kisha is not laughing anymore.

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Big Easy’s undershirt is amusing.

FLIGHT TIME: Off the coast by Big Pine Key, there is a camp by the sea. To find the mile marker near where you should be, please subtract four from 33.

That’s how tricky the clue is?

miami globetrotters 5

33 – 4 is a challenge? TAR Canada really is more difficult.

miami jen hoffman 6

Meanwhile, Jen nearly crashes into the band.

JEN: There was a floating mermaid and she had to move and everything. Little Mermaid. Hello.

KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 28

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Kisha’s Laugh Count is out of control this episode.

– The Globetrotters run back to their cab, but there is a problem.

miami globetrotters 6

“How far away is the gas station?”

miami globetrotters 7

The cab is nowhere in sight.

– Jen has the clue.

– Commercial break. We resume. Globetrotters keep running.

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Jen’s sweater is refusing to cooperate.

– Globetrotters eventually find their cab. They are still in first.

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Big Easy could not keep up.

– Kisha & Jen’s driver points out the Globetrotters entering a Thrift Store.

DRIVER: Is that your group over there?

miami driver 1

miami globetrotters 8

“They must have no other clothing besides their jerseys. It is a great store for discounts.”

miami flight time 11

“Do you have anything that will fit Big Easy?”

– Kisha & Jen’s driver does not need to stop. Therefore. . .

miami kisha jen hoffman 9

Bam. Kisha & Jen have a lead when it matters most.

JEN: I swam!

KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 29

– The lady at the Thrift Store really gets into giving directions.

FLIGHT TIME: Is it just straight that way?

miami flight time thrift

miami flight time thrift 1

Well that makes it easy.

miami lady

She notices the camera.

miami lady 1

miami lady 2

LADY: Keep on rollin’!

limp bizkit.png

“You drive in, you drive out, you can only go straight, so what’cha gonna do now? Keep rollin’ rollin’ rollin’.”

miami lady 3

miami lady 4

miami lady 5

miami lady 6

LADY: Keep playin’ ball, guys! *giggles*

miami lady 7

Oh, you.

miami space

The day that a taxi can blast off to space is the day my mind will be blown.

BIG EASY: You’ve got to catch that taxi, alright?

miami globetrotters 9

As Yoda would say, there is only ‘do’ or ‘do not’.

miami driver 2

He probably hates Star Wars.

– Gary & Mallory are at the Jules Undersea Lodge.

miami sign

It would be hilarious if Sterling suggested that they stop for food.

– Mallory reads the clue.

miami mallory ervin 18

Mallory bursts into a sprint.

miami mallory ervin 19

miami mallory ervin 20

Years of playing Hop Scotch help Mallory hop over the wet suit.

MALLORY: Two wet ones!
GARY: Two wetsuits laying out there is not a very good sign.

No kidding.

miami mallory ervin 21

miami mallory ervin 22

I think Mallory might need a little help.

miami gary ervin 5

But Gary can’t do anything about it.

– Mallory heads underwater.

miami mermaid 5

The mermaid pretends the nozzle is a microphone.

miami mallory ervin 23

Mallory adopts a Jay Leno chin.

MALLORY: That Roadblock was a strange, strange underwater world. I mean, there was a band playing, and I’m looking at the instruments like “how in the world?” There are mermaids that look like real mermaids. What is going on here?

miami mallory ervin 24

Mallory sees one mermaid in particular.

miami mermaid 6

Is that Mallory’s half-sister?

miami gary mallory ervin 18

It’s a story that Gary has avoided to tell for a very long time.

miami gary mallory ervin 19

Thankfully, Mallory doesn’t piece it together.

miami mallory ervin 25

Why do Mallory’s hands look huge?

– Kisha & Jen are first to Mile Marker 29. Kisha reads that they must walk across to Horseshoe Island. If they can find the tallest tree, they can find their next clue.

miami kisha jen hoffman 10

The locals don’t seem very interested.

– Phil informs us that teams will walk through shallow water to Horseshoe Island. Once there, they must find the tallest tree to get their next clue.

Yeah. Phil wasn’t really needed for this explanation.

miami horseshoe island

It looks like a horseshoe. . .kinda. I think it resembles a guitar, personally.

miami trail 3

miami trail

All they do is follow a trail?

miami trail 1Well.

miami trail 2

That’s easy.

– Kisha & Jen make another joke about them avoiding water.

– The wind picks up as the Globetrotters are second to the clue box.

miami kisha jen hoffman 11

More water for Jen and Big Easy. Hilarious.

miami globetrotters 10

miami globetrotters 11

Evidently, the Globetrotters are trailing by a minimum of three or four minutes. They aren’t even in the same shot as Kisha & Jen.

miami kisha jen hoffman 12

Oh.

miami kisha jen hoffman 13

I was wrong.

miami kisha jen hoffman 14

They cannot agree on where to go.

miami kisha jen hoffman 15

Seconds later, they find the clue anyway.

miami kisha jen hoffman 17

Hopefully Keanu Reeves isn’t involved.

– Phil says teams must walk back and take a thrilling high speed boat ride to Marathon Marina. Once there, they will travel on foot to Galway Bay.

miami boat 4

Hello, TAR 6.

miami galway 1

lorena whine

“That’s not the way to Galway! Galway is that waaaay!”

Oh, Lorena.

miami galway

If this was on the Jersey Shore, Sandy would have wiped it out by now.

– Kisha & Jen try to exit the island without being seen by the Globetrotters.

miami kisha hoffman 2

Stay below Big Easy’s line of vision!

miami island

I estimate the lead is somewhere around five minutes.

– The Globetrotters are not running whatsoever. Big Easy nearly falls on his back when they reach the clue box.

miami globetrotters 12

Luckily, Big Easy uses the branches to hold him up.

– We cut back to Mallory. She said she checked every treasure box.

MALLORY: I checked every single treasure box. But you can’t get frantic underwater. So even when I was doing a frantic “Jesus! Jesus! Please help me! Uh! Uh! What am I gonna do!” and going like “UHHHH”, the mermaids are just flipping their tail in my face and I’m like “tell me where it is! I’m last!”

miami gary mallory ervin 20

Mallory. . .

miami gary mallory ervin 21

miami gary mallory ervin 22

. . .It is going to be OK.

miami mallory ervin 26

Mallory is particularly fond of the mermaids.

– Mallory finds her clue in a box near the band. She resurfaces.

miami gary mallory ervin 23

miami gary mallory ervin 24

Mallory has some fine chin drool going on.

– They re-enter Sterling’s cab.

GARY: Big Pine Key. You know where it is?
STERLING: No.
GARY: You don’t know where Big Pine Key is?

miami sterling 7

“Should I know where it is? Maybe it’s in Texas or something?”

GARY: He lives here and doesn’t know where Big Pine Key is.

miami gary mallory ervin 25

miami gary mallory ervin 26

A slow taxi driver who always gets lost is not Gary & Mallory’s ideal driver for a final round.

dwight schrute what do you know.png

What do you know, Sterling?

– Gary has to tell Mallory it is not her fault.

– Kisha & Jen choose a speedboat. I think Kisha has ten different audio clips of saying ‘Hurry, hurry, hurry.’

– Globetrotters keep walking through water.

– Kisha & Jen are getting splashed in the boat. They find it hilarious.

miami kisha jen hoffman 18

Jen really doesn’t like the water.

– Globetrotters enter a speedboat.

miami flight time big easy 6

Note to Phil: Don’t shake Big Easy’s hand at the finish line.

– Gary & Mallory have their next clue. They walk to Horseshoe Island.

miami gary mallory ervin 27

It’s a lonely walk.

– Kisha says the boat ride is kicking her ass.

KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 30

miami kisha jen hoffman 19

The camera is soaked.

– Big Easy estimates they are five to seven minutes behind Kisha & Jen.

miami flight time big easy 7

They are not as afraid of the water as Kisha & Jen.

– The wind is picking up as the island gets covered in a bit more water than earlier.

miami gary mallory ervin 28

miami gary mallory ervin 29

Gary does not like water in his shoes.

– Kisha & Jen are at the dock.

miami jen hoffman 7

Whenever I need help up, I always hope the person will support me by the back of my knee.

– Kisha & Jen reach the clue box.

miami mobile

I wonder who lives in a community like this?

miami galway 2

Oh. Old people.

PHIL: In the laid back world of the Florida Keys, lots of people like to relax in the carefree and often kitchy confines of a sleepy trailer park. Teams must enter a landscape that is both colourful and cramped.

miami phil keoghan 5

Phil’s dad is categorized on the ‘cramped’ side of things.

miami ol

Wow. Old people are boring.

miami old

The World Cribbage Championships is taking place at the moment.

miami flamingoes

These flamingos watch over them all.

– Choosing a small trailer, teams must wheel it onto a trailer lot and hook it up to the local utilities. Then using the pictures in this brochure for reference, teams must set up the ultimate Florida trailer hood.

What happens if you don’t set up the trailer hood correctly?

eazy e

Setting up the trailer hood is always hard
You have to set up our trash as listed on the clue card
Task judges know nothing in life but to know when it’s legit
Don’t misquote the brochure, or else you won’t get shit.

miami trailer

La Grille? What the hell is that?

miami trailer 2

If Jim & Misti were in this Final Three, Gary & Mallory could catch up easily.

PHIL: When their living space is in the exact match of their picture, teams will receive their next clue.

miami phil keoghan 6

Phil has found himself a new mistress.

– The lots are denoted by letter.

JEN: Let’s do D!

miami trailer 3

The D.

miami kisha jen hoffman 20

For some reason, I knew it would be Jen and not Kisha who would suggest they do D.

– Globetrotters’ boat is docked.

miami flight time big easy 8

There are not too many places where you need to have manatee warnings.

– Globetrotters have their next clue.

miami globetrotters 13

miami globetrotters 14

Only in Florida will a guy casually drive by in a golf cart within a trailer park.

– We check out the trailer park.

miami d row

Sug Knight’s record label should be nearby.

miami pirate

miami pirate 1

Well, this doesn’t improve the trailer park stereotype.

miami john deere

A John Deere hat? I feel sorry for him. He looks stoned out of his mind.

julian chicken fingers.png

Randy, The Amazing Race isn’t all about getting drunk and eating chicken fingers.

– Jen finds D-10.

miami d10This mailbox sunk our battleship!

miami lot

Get ‘er done, Kisha & Jen.

miami debb eaton

Debb Eaton’s sister is the only one intrigued by this task.

– The soundtrack is trying to go for the old country western feel with guitar riffs. Another unique TAR track.

miami showdown

The lead is definitely less than five minutes. Kisha & Jen are still setting up. Globetrotters find their lot, C8.

BIG EASY: C8–That’s my dog!

miami c8

If there is a puppy inside of that mailbox, I’ll know what Big Easy meant.

miami cats

I doubt too many dogs survive in this neighbourhood when you have a man who wears a shirt about eating cats.

malaysia steve allie smith

By the way, Steve & Allie must live here. I see a 7Up on the table.

miami globetrotters 15

It is weird to see a task that will later become a throwaway Detour in a NEL round seven seasons later to initially debut as the final task of the season in a heated showdown.

miami gary mallory ervin 30

Meanwhile, Gary & Mallory are loving their boat ride.

miami boat 5

That boat is getting some major air.

– Globetrotters comment on it not being very windy at first.

BIG EASY: Then all of a sudden Hurricane Andrew hit, and we were in trouble.

miami flight time big easy 9

Considering Big Easy is from New Orleans, that is not a word he uses lightly.

miami globetrotters 16

miami globetrotters 17

miami kisha jen hoffman 21

miami kisha jen hoffman 22

JEN: Son of a bitch.

– Jen goes on a rant.

JEN: I don’t know why this lady got all this stuff out here in twenty miles an hour wind, but she can go to Hell with her ass up.

miami jen hoffman 8

Wow.

miami woman

This is going to be an awkward finale when it airs on TV.

– Both teams are having an impossible time tying down the tarp as it keeps flying away.

miami globetrotters 18

Flight Time repeatedly misses grabbing the tarp.

miami kisha jen hoffman 23

miami kisha jen hoffman 24

Kisha & Jen are at a reach disadvantage.

– Debb Eaton’s sister provides commentary.

miami debb eaton 1

debb eaton

“They are trying to set up their trailer, but the wind made none of that even matter!”

miami pool

The pool is drifting away from the Globetrotters.

miami pool 1

Gotcha.

– Kisha has to coach Jen into stop being frustrated.

miami gary mallory ervin 31

Meanwhile, Mallory crawls onto the marina. Nobody was supporting her by behind the knee.

– Gary & Mallory are at the trailer park. Mallory is excited over the trailers. Wow.

MALLORY: Oh cool. Trailer!
GARY: D12!

What?

miami gary mallory ervin 32

I never thought I would see the day where Gary would give a shoutout to his favourite gangsta rap group.

d12 purple hills

Nothing compares to these blue and purple trailers.

miami trailer park

“I don’t know if I want those D12ers and Bizarros in my hood.”

miami big easy 11

I never I thought I would see the day where Big Easy would try to put together a chicken that is modeled after the flag of Palestine.

– Ms. Rose, the clue giver, walks over.

miami ms rose

BIG EASY: Hey Ms. Rose, how ya doing?

miami ms rose 1

BIG EASY: I ain’t doing too good, love.
MS ROSE: I know.

Wow. Miss Rose just dissed Big Easy, big time. It is Big Easy’s turn to fire a comeback.

miami ms rose 2

BIG EASY: I tell you, you give me ten minutes and three more minutes until the wind stops and I’ll have it lookin’ as good as your hair is right now.

miami ms rose 3

Big Easy’s burn was better.

– Miss Rose checks over Kisha & Jen’s trailer.

miami miss ross

Miss Rose does not look impressed.

MISS ROSE: I’m sorry, but despite the wind, it does not look ready.

And yes, it sounds like the wind will provide some leniency for the teams.

miami miss rose 1

Either Kisha is much taller than I thought or Miss Rose is really really short.

miami wrong

Apparently the ketchup and mustard bottles are what is wrong with Kisha & Jen’s trailer.

miami kisha jen hoffman 25

Kisha & Jen think the rocks are what’s wrong with their trailer. Why is Kisha’s outfit so dang blue?

logan blue

Although I can’t really be one to talk.

– The Harlem Globetrotters summon Miss Rose (or is it Miss Ross? No one really knows).

miami globetrotters 19

A showdown of memorizing flags between Big Easy and Kisha would be more riveting television.

– Gary is aiming for D12.

miami d12

Oh. That D12.

– Gary points out Flight Time & Big Easy and Kisha & Jen.

miami gary mallory ervin 33

This finale is closer than we think.

miami kisha hoffman 3

If they do not think about their condiments, Kisha & Jen could very well finish this season in third place.

– Gary emits a Ganondorf-like roar as he pushes the trailer.

miami gary mallory ervin 34

I do not think Mallory is helping much.

– Flight Time scrambles to re-arrange the trailer.

FLIGHT TIME: The four quarters are over. It’s sudden death now, baby.

miami flight time 12

Jesus. Enough already.

Fact: Basketball does not have a sudden death format.

– Commercial break. We resume.

– Gary does another Ganondorf growl.

miami gary mallory ervin 35

Mallory has not been scared away.

– Kisha tells Jen they need to hurry.

FLIGHT TIME: It’s sudden death, baby.
BIG EASY: C’mon, let’s go into overdrive.

miami big easy 12

Four quarters, overtime, sudden death, and now overdrive? The Harlem Globetrotters’ sports references are making less and less sense.

– The picket fences are repeatedly falling down.

miami kisha jen hoffman 26

miami kisha jen hoffman 27

Wow.

miami fence

miami fence 1

This needs to be in contention with TAR 6 and TAR 16 as one of the worst final tasks of all time.

TAR 6 was awful because eating a deep dish pizza seemed like such a one-dimensional task to determine a winner as well as being a task you could see in any other season.

TAR 16 was terrible because it was a memory challenge, but the memory challenge was so dang simple as everyone took -seconds- to complete it.

TAR 18? Not only is this an ordinary task, but producers not realizing that it would be windy in the FLORIDA KEYS is baffling to me.

BIG EASY: C’MON WIND! STOP PLAYING! HELL!

miami globetrotters 20

The white picket fence should be thrown out of the equation.

miami gary ervin 6

It would be hilarious if Gary accidentally puts the flag on the grill an it starts to burn. I can only imagine how the viewers would react to that.

– Kisha & Jen are rejected again “despite the wind”.

miami kisha hoffman 4

Kisha notes something is missing.

miami kisha jen hoffman 28

I would get out of there before the rainstorm comes through.

– Apparently there is a missing salsa jar.

miami salsa

Salsa?

miami salsa 1

A million dollar salsa jar.

– Big Easy breaks out into a sprint but slips on the rocks.

miami big easy 13

miami big easy 14

He is an airplane.

miami jen hoffman 9

Jen finds the jar.

miami kisha jen hoffman 29

C’mon.

miami kisha jen hoffman 30

Kisha has a silly grin knowing she is right.

miami kisha jen hoffman 31

It may as well be a cheque for a million dollars inside of the envelope.

miami kisha jen hoffman 32

Miss Ross nearly loses her hands in the process.

– Globetrotters witness the celebration.

miami flight time 13

miami big easy 15

“We put together a Palestinian chicken just to be in second place?”

– Kisha & Jen read that they must travel to the Seven Mile Bridge then ride a bike to the finish line. Go go go.

miami kisha jen hoffman 33

Due to various things wrong with the bridge, it actually isn’t seven miles long.

miami gary ervin 7

Knowing Gary’s love for D12, he would prefer the Eight-Mile Bridge.

MALLORY: Oh please. I am going to be living in one of these if I don’t win this.

miami mallory ervin 27

A ‘Where Are They Now?’ segment may no longer be necessary. Mallory’s 2016 update is already known.

miami mallory ervin 28

“Howdy, y’all. Do you want to help me plant seeds in my garden?”

– Kisha & Jen get into a taxi.

miami taxi driver

There would be more suspense if Sterling was their driver–things would have levelled out.

miami miss ross

Miss Ross continues to survey the scene with her 1960s hairdo.

miami globetrotters 21

The Globetrotters are losing it. Big Easy insists that is not the problem, and wants to check out Kisha & Jen’s finished product.

miami flight time 14

BIG EASY: LET’S GO LOOK AT WHAT THEY GOT!

miami flight time 15

Not good. Not good.

miami flight time big easy 10

Flight Time attempts to calm down Big Easy.

miami miss rose 2

As Debb Eaton’s sister would say, it’s funny when people look stupid.

– Globetrotters stroll over to what Kisha & Jen have done.

miami globetrotters 22

They are having a bigger flop at this task than Big Easy’s flip flops.

miami gary mallory ervin 36

Gary & Mallory try to secure their tarp.

miami gary mallory ervin 37

And it has flown to Cuba.

miami mallory ervin 29

I would love it if a raccoon runs off with it.

miami globetrotters 23

Flight Time & Big Easy take a look at their shattered dreams.

FLIGHT TIME: It’s the table. It ain’t set right.

miami globetrotters 24

Who knew the trailer park takes so much pride in setting up their picnic table to a very precise and elegant standard.

miami big easy 16

miami big easy 17

“Why would Vyxsin do this to us?”

– Globetrotters fix their mistake.

miami big easy 18

You know the Globetrotters are linking cultures together when an American flag and a Palestinian chicken share the same frame.

miami miss ross 1

Miss Ross loves sarcasm.

miami miss ross 2

Miss Ross trolls Flight Time by playing Keep-Away with him.

– Flight Time kisses Miss Ross.

miami flight time miss ross

I think Miss Ross needed some Herb to add to her spice.

– Gary notes Flight Time & Big Easy have finished.

miami big easy miss ross

Miss Ross gets nothing from Big Easy. She will have to wait until TAR 19 for another shot at a Trailer Park Gang Bang.

miami gary mallory ervin 39

That tarp cannot taste good.

miami flight time big easy 11

Flight Time & Big Easy have one final shot at the title.

miami flight time big easy 12

Unfortunately, they are all out of basketball analogies to justify their chances of winning.

miami car

Kisha & Jen are alone on the road.

– They see the sign for the Seven Mile Bridge.

miami bridge 1

That is. . .fascinating.

JEN: Are we going by foot?
KISHA: Hell no! We’re going by tricycle! That’s seven miles girl! I ain’t in that type of shape!

miami tricycle

Eh, you can run to make it more of a challenge.

miami kisha jen hoffman 34

And you won’t have to run in your underwear like last time.

– Jen complains she hasn’t rode a tricycle since childhood.

miami jen hoffman 10

miami kisha hoffman 5

Kisha is as strong on a tricycle as Jen is in the water.

JEN: C’mon Kisha! It’s like riding a bike! Let’s go!

miami jen hoffman 11

“You’re just replacing a bi with a tri!”

miami kisha hoffman 6

“I really don’t want to tri anything more after this race is over.”

miami kisha jen hoffman 35

Kisha is fading fast.

– Globetrotters arrive at the Seven-Mile Bridge.

miami flight time big easy 13

Flight Time is finding this hysterical.

miami flight time 16

Because they are not motorized, Flight Time & Big Easy could catch up by the end of the bridge.

miami kisha jen hoffman 36

The twenty foot rule does not apply here.

miami kisha hoffman 7

Jen may have to sit at the finish line for a while.

– Jen asks the Lord to stop the wind.

miami jen hoffman 12

Prediction: Jen will never live in Florida.

miami globetrotters 25

Flight Time is riding with bum up like he is riding with Adam West.

miami big easy 19

Big Easy is battling.

miami kisha hoffman 8

Kisha is not getting the hang of this.

miami kisha hoffman 9

At all.

miami flight time 17

I’m on the left side.

miami flight time 18

Now I’m on the right side.

– Big Easy encourages Flight Time and tells him he is representing.

– Oh. Gary & Mallory are still putting their trailer together.

miami gary mallory ervin 40

Gary & Mallory await approval.

MALLORY: Our ducks are floating. The door is closed. C’mon in. Hurry before it faaaaaaalls. Adaahhhhh.

miami gary mallory ervin 41

They get it. Mallory is ready to burst into a Disney number.

MALLORY: OH MISS ROSS WE LOVE YOU!

miami gary mallory ervin 42

Mallory initially goes for the clue. .

miami miss ross 4

Can’t. . .breathe.

MALLORY: Thank you, Miss Ross. Thank you, Miss Ross.

miami mallory ervin 30

Mallory finally lets go.

miami mallory ervin 31

She cannot keep her eyes off of Ms. Ross.

MALLORY: We will come and set up a tent anytime, have a snack, we’ll be here.

miami mallory ervin 32

She is serious.

miami miss ross 3

o rly, Mal?

– Gary & Mallory find a cab.

miami gary mallory ervin 44

I don’t think they have Sterling as their driver this time.

miami gary mallory ervin 45

Yeah. It’s definitely not Sterling.

MALLORY: As fast as you can, ma’am.

miami gary mallory ervin 46

This is the most at ease they have been all day.

miami woman 1

miami woman 2

Although if I were Gary & Mallory, I would be worried this time for different reasons.

– We cut back to the bridge.

miami kisha jen hoffman 37

What is Jen doing? Why would you walk with the bike?

miami jen hoffman 13

Globetrotters will catch up to you in no time!

– Jen is blaming it on the wind, and saying it was impossible to pedal.

miami kisha hoffman 15

For once, Kisha is in the lead.

miami globetrotters 26

Neither Globetrotter is walking with their bike.

– Big Easy complains about the pain.

miami flight time 19

For you guys? Maybe.

rio zev justin 18

For Zev & Justin? Probably not.

– Jen insists to Kisha that they’ve got this. Sad music plays when we cut to the Globetrotters. Big Easy draws a conclusion.

miami flight time 20

Geez.

miami big easy 20

Way to be a downer, Big Easy.

BIG EASY: Take it all in, baby. We tried hard and left everything out there.

miami globetrotters 27

Well, almost everything. You forgot to leave out the salsa jar.

miami flight time big easy 14

There is nothing like the Miami sunset.

– We cut to the finish line.

miami finish line

In other news, Mel is still alive. He somehow survived Elimination Station.

 

miami phil keoghan 7

I bet Phil did not expect to do this job for another eleven seasons.

miami mel mike

Mike’s next great reality TV venture will be to successfully convince Probst not to do a Final Three.

miami margie luke

Luke has picked up a sense of humour. Awesome.

miami margie luke 1

Who the f-ck is that to Margie’s right? Is that the camera guy?

miami zev justin

Zev has outdone Luke by wearing the lucky silk pyjamas.

miami kisha jen hoffman 38

Kisha & Jen have ditched the tricycles.

miami kent vyxsin

Something is funny. We’ll never know what that is.

miami cord mccoy

Cord is in a good mood.

miami jet cord mccoy

Jet is not. It may have something to do with the fact that not only does a LGBT racer beat him once more, but wins the whole race for his second season in a row.

He probably likes it a little bit better in Miami than in San Francisco for the finish line, but not by much.

miami ron christina hsu

Ron has gone a record twenty minutes without eating. No wonder he is in such a good mood.

WYD? = Who’s Your Daddy?

That is my assumption.

miami kisha jen hoffman 39

Oh my.

miami kisha jen hoffman 40

It has finally happened. After ten years and eighteen seasons, an all-female team has–
.
.
.
long beach nat kat 41

Oh. Right. Nevermind.

miami amanda kris

AND WHO THE F-CK IS THAT?! CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME, PLEASE?!

– Kisha & Jen jump onto the mat.

miami phil keoghan 8

Phil gives his usual speech. Five continents, twenty-three cities, 40, 000 miles. . .

miami kisha jen hoffman 41

Kisha & Jen have won The Amazing Race.

miami kisha jen hoffman 42

If only Kisha fell over.

miami kisha jen hoffman 43

PHIL: And for the second time in Amazing Race history. . .

miami kisha jen hoffman 44

PHIL: . . .An all-female team has won The Amazing Race!

miami kisha jen hoffman 45

“It’s not groundbreaking. . .but. . .it’s something! Because I can’t think of anything else to distinguish Kisha & Jen’s victory!”

NOTE: I know I am fast forwarding seven seasons ahead, but my brother who is married to a TAR fanatic (his wife owns the TAR video game, board game, and they even ran into Hamerotz LaMillion 5 when filming in Rome back in November) happened to be visiting during the TAR 25 finale. They had cut cable as of the end of TAR 24 (who can blame them?) and hadn’t seen any of TAR 25.

Anyways, when Amy & Maya won, Phil did the same thing again of “Amy & Maya, you are the THIRD all-female team to win The Amazing Race!”

My brother instantly cracked up laughing.

“Third? I mean, when those doctors won it was a big deal because it never happened before, but is Phil going to keep a running tally of every type of team that has won? You are the ELEVENTH dating couple to win The Amazing Race! You are the SIXTH team of siblings to win The Amazing Race! I think after the first time, the feat has kinda been accomplished.”

It’s so true. If TAR 17 was Unfinished Business, yeah, Kisha & Jen being an all-female team winning would be a huge deal, but because Nat & Kat beat them by a couple of months, it doesn’t really matter anymore. Nat & Kat will always earn that distinction.

I mean, it took SEVENTEEN seasons for an all-female team to win. . .then to have a team do it again after a ten year drought leading up to Nat & Kat’s victory? That is just hilarious.

Kisha & Jen aren’t even the first African-American team to win. Chip & Kim and Uchenna & Joyce already have been there.

Kisha being the first LGBT member to win? Nope. Reichen & DK did so in TAR 4, and Jordan Pious also won in TAR 16.

First team to win the race despite not winning any of the rounds prior to the finale? Nope. Eric & Danielle did it before them.

I guess they are the first pair of sisters to win The Amazing Race? Kisha & Jen can walk away with that distinction.

But yes, my brother cannot wait for TAR 34 when Phil gets excited and points out “You are the FOURTH all-female to win The Amazing Race!!!!”

Out of all eighteen pairs of winners in TAR US up to this point, Kisha & Jen likely possess the most low-key victory. Either them or Tyler & James or Meghan & Cheyne, anyway.

– Jen is proud of Kisha and claimed she dragged Kisha into doing TAR 14 with her. They talk about finishing second twice then winning a leg when it mattered most. The last leg they won?

guilin kisha 3

Yep. This is the last leg they won before this.

miami kisha jen hoffman 46

No wonder they chose to wait until the end to win another one.

KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 31

– More cheering ensues.

miami phil keoghan 9

Phil smiles politely as this is his first aired mat chat with Kisha & Jen all season long.

– They won this for their mother and will do everything for her.

JEN: It’s our turn to pay her back.
KISHA: She wants to start her own business.
JEN: There’s no words to describe our mom. . .It’s going to be a great thing to give her something that she’s given to us.

miami kisha jen hoffman 47

Wow. So this episode aired on Mother’s Day, eh?

KISHA: Aw, you’re going to make me cry!

miami kisha jen hoffman 48

Jen couldn’t hold back tears, but Kisha did hold back laughter.

FIRST PLACE: KISHA & JEN

– Teams cheer on the Harlem Globetrotters.

miami flight time big easy 15

Don’t hit Mel’s hand too hard, Flight Time. He’s fragile.

– Kisha laughs when she sees Big Easy.

KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 32

miami big easy kisha jen

What is Big Easy doing?

miami big easy kisha jen 1

I thought he was going to tackle them.

miami big easy kisha jen 2

This is another reason why I hate hearing Big Easy being clumped in with Jet & Cord. Jet & Cord would NEVER be this jovial when losing to another team at the finish line.

PHIL: Flight Time & Big Easy. . .
BIG EASY: Team number one?!

miami globetrotters 28

“Did they take a cab instead of a tricycle to the finish line?”

PHIL: Unfortunately you got beat by a better team today.

miami phil keoghan 10

“And a few other times as well.”

SECOND PLACE: FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY

BIG EASY: Seven-Mile Bridge is really seven miles.

Actually it isn’t, but whatever.

BIG EASY: So we didn’t have a chance after mile two.
PHIL: What do you have to say to the winning team?
FLIGHT TIME: We just want to say ‘congratulations’. I mean, they were the most consistent team throughout the race. They never struggled. They were never towards the bottom and never finished first until it mattered.

miami finish

Another reason why you cannot compare Herb & Nate to Jet & Cord: Herb & Nate went out of their way to give credit to how well the winning team performed–Flight Time is Kisha & Jen’s biggest cheerleader at the end of this season.

miami flight time big easy 16

Big Easy is ready to beatbox.

FLIGHT TIME: So we got beat out by a couple of girls, but that’s okay.

miami flight time big easy 17

miami laugh

KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 33

Editors are killing me.

– Big Easy imitates Kisha’s laugh at the finish line.

miami flight time big easy 18

He couldn’t help himself.

– A montage of the Harlem Globetrotters is cued up. They sang. They danced. They had fun. Big Easy wore the speedo, and happy they did it.

miami flight time big easy 19

And in six more seasons. . .you get to see them do it again.

– Gary & Mallory make it to the finish line.

miami gary mallory ervin 47

The tunnel is all yours, guys.

miami gary mallory ervin 48

Third place ain’t so bad.

THIRD PLACE: GARY & MALLORY

– Gary did Mallory proud.

miami gary mallory ervin 49

Spoiler: Mark Jackson won’t do Mallory proud.

– Gary says it is special as a parent when their child still wants to hang out with them.

GARY: We’ve done it two times back-to-back. I’d say if we got the opportunity we’d do it again.

KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 34

MALLORY: We know money is not everything, but the experience is priceless, for sure.

miami gary mallory ervin 50

Ask producers that again by TAR 29 when the budget shrinks considerably. The experience is not priceless, and that cost is higher than what you expect.

miami finish 1

Everyone has permission to crowd the mat.

– Kisha finds Mike.

KISHA: My Mike! I missed youuuuuu.

miami kisha mike

So random. I can’t recall a single significant scene where Kisha and Mike have interacted in TAR 14 or TAR 18.

– Justin says they took care of Unfinished Business.

miami zev justin 1

vince vaughn

Now he just has to take care of THIS Unfinished Business. What a terrible film.

randy couture

vitor belfort

The only Unfinished Business that earns my approval.

– Justin goes on about congratulating the other teams and how it was a tough season. He clearly hasn’t watched Hamerotz LaMillion.

– Kisha says she is proud of Jen and how winning this race shows she is not her little sister anymore.

miami kisha jen hoffman 49

This would be the perfect time for Jen to let out a relieved sigh as she pisses herself during this confessional and says, “I’ve been waiting twelve legs to do this.”

miami finish 2

Mallory is trying to catch a raindrop on her tongue.

KISHA: To run this race with her was a great experience.
JEN: Awwwwwwww.

miami kisha jen hoffman 50

miami kisha jen hoffman 51

“Get your hands away from my f–king face, Jen.”

miami kisha jen hoffman 52

It’s gonna get ya, Kisha!

miami kisha jen hoffman 53

Rejected.

miami kisha jen hoffman 54

JEN: I love you too.
(KISHA laughs.)

KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 35

miami kisha jen hoffman 55

Oh my word. The last sentence spoken in TAR 18 ends with Kisha’s trademarked laugh.

miami finish 3

Everyone is cheering at the end.

miami cord mccoy 1

Cord. . .

miami cord mccoy 4

miami cord mccoy 2

miami cord mccoy 3

Damn you, Cord.

miami cord mccoy 5

The hat will probably land perfectly on top of Miss Ross’ trailer table.

miami cord mccoy 6

Kneel your ass down, Cord. Thank you.

miami end

And that’s it. We have officially taken care of our Unfinished Business.

Now we get to move on to TAR 19–the first season I paid attention to live after my four season hiatus following the conclusion of TAR 14.

19 promo

And it is FULL of memorable characters. Remember Jeremy & Sandy? The football guy? Lawrence & Zac? Those two guys in blue standing on the one end? It’s a cast of compelling characters who will make a strong impression on the producers, and definitely will not be ignored within two years when the next TAR returnee season rolls around.

Judging from my notes, this is indeed the next season for me to cover in our timeline. See you within the next couple weeks for the first TARstorian blog of TAR 19!
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australia 1 promo

Wait, wuh? What’s the guy from The Mole: Australia doing here being surrounded by twenty people? You can’t seriously mean. . .? Well scratch that. I guess the super unmemorable TAR 19 will be postponed until we deal with this bunch of Aussie invaders. Sorry!

CONFESSIONAL COUNT

FLIGHT TIME.BIG EASY 11.8
GARY.MALLORY 3.10
KISHA.JEN 9.13
ZEV.JUSTIN 0.1
DEBB EATON’S SISTER 1

NUMBER OF TIMES MENTIONED IN THE ‘NEXT TIME ON TAR’ SEGMENT

KENT & VYXSIN 3
GARY & MALLORY 2
RON & CHRISTINA 2
ZEV & JUSTIN 2
JET & CORD 1
MEL & MIKE 1
JAIME & CARA 1
MARGIE & LUKE 1
KISHA & JEN: 1
FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY: 0
AMANDA & KRIS: 0

Next Time on TAR: The Aussie Invasion is finally upon us.

Rank the Legs

1) Kurihama, Japan -> Lijiang, China

 

2) Broken Hill, Australia -> Kurihama, Japan

 

3) Kunming, China -> Kolkata, India

 

4) Kolkata, India -> Varanasi, India

 

5) Salzburg, Austria -> Zermatt, Switzerland

 

6) Lijiang, China -> Kunming, China

 

7) Zermatt, Switzerland, -> More Zermatt, Switzerland

 

8) Zermatt, Switzerland -> Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

 

9) Varanasi, India -> Salzburg, Austria

 

10) Rio de Janeiro, Brazil -> Miami, Florida, USA

Setting up a table in a windy trailer park is the final task of a returnee season? Are you kidding me? What is with returnee seasons always having lousy final challenges? Sure, Debb Eaton’s sister and Miss Ross were mildly entertaining, but shouldn’t the final task of a season filled with two-timers be a bit more epic?

Miami was a suitable location for the finale. By suitable, I mean not Alaska, Hawaii, or California which have been abused as the finish line over the first seventeen seasons (Miami was the finish line for TAR 7).

The final round was competitive between Kisha & Jen and the Globetrotters all the way up until the trailer park challenge. I guess that is better than other finales such as the relative blowout in TAR 17 or the ridiculous slaughter we saw in TAR 28 just a couple of months ago. It is weird that a salsa jar became the deciding factor after twelve rounds of racing.

There was a few comedic moments here and there. I do not like the final leg takings itself too seriously, and editors achieved a decent job of this.

However, the weakest part of the finale is that Kisha & Jen won. Why didn’t editors sell us their victory more over the past eleven episodes? I am curious as to why they chose to do all of their damage control with the Globetrotters applauding them, and presenting their single mom story in the twelfth hour as a way to satisfy the audience. Ultimately, that approach failed as almost nobody has brought up Kisha & Jen’s win over the past five years.

Something also became very evident that the audience had become sick of after eighteen seasons–taxis being a huge factor in the final round. The audience has complained about this almost every single season since the series began, and yet the producers have done nothing to combat this. Yes, I know one of the reasons is that contestants driving themselves in a round worth a million dollars is a bit risky, but I think you need to give the racers the opportunity to prove they can be sane enough to drive near the finish line.

Gary & Mallory were the most popular team, and seeing them essentially eliminated before the final leg even began frustrated a huge number of viewers. I know a ton of Survivor fans online who stopped watching TAR after Unfinished Business, and I think the series’ unwillingness to adapt to what the hardcore fans want is what led to a series ratings low and a decline in viewership which will continue until we hit rock bottom with TAR 24. AV Club had stopped its coverage of TAR at the end of season 17, and Andy Denhart of reality blurred followed through with his threat of refusing to watch the series once TAR 19 rolled around.

You could very well argue that this finale is one of the worst episodes in series history simply because of this fact. Producers needed to go for a home run to reinvigorate the audience with a strong finale, but instead chose to go down a path where your best result was pleasing the fans of an underedited team.

So yeah, maybe I should rank this lower, but the first two episodes were too dumb for me to ignore.

11) Manly, Australia -> Broken Hill, Australia

12) Palm Springs, California, US -> Manly, Australia

 

Rank the Teams

1) Ron & Christina

2) Kent & Vyxsin

3) Zev & Justin

4) Gary & Mallory

There is a big divide between these top four teams and the remaining seven in our rankings. Gary & Mallory round out the list of those who I thought were not only a decent casting choice for TAR 18, but were extremely fun and entertaining to watch throughout the course of the season. Thank god these four teams made a significant run in Unfinished Business.

I loved the contrast between Ron & Christina and Gary & Mallory’s relationship. I loved Mallory’s reaction to Snapple. I loved Mallory’s reaction to. . .well, pretty much anything. She is the closest thing to a cartoon character in the history of The Amazing Race (Christine Godlewski would be not too far behind).

Mallory’s reaction to receiving a penny would be identical to being awarded a free trip around the world. This is what made her flat and negative reactions all that much more hilarious because you would never see it coming (e.g. Going to Miami or Sterling the taxi driver).

Gary’s second stint expanded upon him getting his testicles crushed during TAR 17. While Mallory is definitely in the starring role, Gary is a huge contributor as to why the team could stay in the race all the way to the end of the game. He had some amusing moments interacting with locals, and also trying to manage Mallory’s energy level. Oh, and of course his borderline angry outburst with Sterling in the finale.

Gary’s legacy remains intact to this day. Hell, he nearly climbed to the peak of Mount Everest, and it was such a treacherous journey that one of the individuals on the expedition died and a couple of others were very close to suffering from that same fate. Even in his late 50s, Gary is a top of the line adventurer.

Unfortunately, Mallory will become a victim of attempted character assassination on her in TAR 24 which will divide the fan community. Ugh, Mark Jackson. Please remember Mallory by TAR 17 and 18–not the crap that Mark pulled six seasons later.

5) Kisha & Jen

I am going to start Kisha & Jen’s writeup by saying this: I feel bad for Kisha & Jen.

Producers gave them almost zero opportunity to shine. The audience barely paid any attention to them until the tenth leg of the race–even then their airtime wouldn’t be substantial until the final round of the season. Although repeating Kisha’s laugh on the audio over and over as your main storyline for Kisha in the last three episodes is a bit bizarre from a storytelling point of view. Jen’s angry outbursts from start to finish was amusing but also less bizarre.

I have been talking to others about this online (primarily Ben) about what producers were hoping for when they cast Kisha & Jen for TAR 18. Unless you are Amanda & Jon/Amanda & Chris/whatever the hell their names are, nobody is put on TAR just for the purpose of being invisible and create an excuse for others to receive more airtime.

So what was the original intention of having Kisha & Jen on TAR 18? Yes, they made a huge blunder, but as we learned with Toni & Dallas, that is not enough for producers to justify bringing you back.

Our conclusion is that Kisha & Jen were meant to renew their rivalry with Margie & Luke. Not only were Margie & Luke and Kisha & Jen getting along, but Margie & Luke were eliminated too early for there to be another “AND THEY’RE LAUGHING HIM AND THAT’S JUST RUDE!” moment.

Because this was not happening, producers did not have a back-up plan. Other teams were either doing crazier things all season long or commanded a greater following upon entering the season. Kisha & Jen did not meet other criteria.

Also, Kisha & Jen were never in danger of elimination nor were they perceived as dominant. Much like the TAR 4 Final Three, this gave producers very little intriguing material to work with for the season. Kisha’s laugh and Jen losing her s-it over Snapple is all they ended up airing. Oh, and a single mom they can throw in forty minutes before the finale was over.

Although it isn’t really Kisha & Jen’s fault, it leaves a sour taste in our mouths when five teams are cast from the worst season of all time, and after giving us hope when four of these teams are eliminated in a row, the victory is taken away from the other six teams who “earned” their spot onto the season.

As I said at the start: I feel bad for Kisha & Jen.

6) Herb & Nate a.k.a. Flight Time & Big Easy

Much like Kisha & Jen’s urine fail, the only flashback we saw over and over and over again from Flight Time & Big Easy was the Czech Znarf incident. Because of their popularity outside of the TAR universe, this combined with Znarf was enough to get them brought back.

I know we like to frequently lump Herb & Nate in with Jet & Cord, but I hope these past twelve episode blogs that they deserve to be placed a couple rungs higher than Jet & Cord. . .however, not enough rungs to justify coming back in six more seasons to play for a third time. :/

We also can’t forget that the Globetrotters took the bullet for the other teams and U-Turned Jet & Cord. If any other team had done that, they would have been the most hated team by the casual fanbase. No joke. Flight Time & Big Easy were the only team who could get away with U-Turning Jet & Cord without suffering from personal repercussions.

However, I do have to acknowledge Flight Time & Big Easy weren’t exactly saints. Flight Time did indeed piss onto a historic European building, Big Easy was a bit excessive with his anger directed towards Vyxsin, and those random rap songs were indeed a travesty.

None of the teams really appeared to hate the Globetrotters. Even though Justin said they were annoying right before being eliminated, he and Zev were wear Harlem Globetrotters T-shirts at the starting line. Kisha & Jen respected them. Other teams praised Flight Time & Big Easy.

I mean, there has been only one team in their two seasons who expressed hatred towards them in post-race interviews–Mika & Canaan.

And if a team like Mika & Canaan are an authoritative figure when it comes to The Amazing Race, then Na Onka Mixon and Mike Borassi should be authoritative figures when it comes to Survivor.

Herb & Nate had their comedic moments from time to time. I do not think they are as amazing as casual fans make them out to be, but I do not hate them as much as the hardcore fans. I regress somewhere in the middle.

And hey, it is easier to support them in TAR 18 when you have five teams picked from the worst season of all time (until TAR 24 comes along). They pick up a couple of points for that.

Lastly, was it a surprise to see Herb & Nate invited back again six seasons down the road? Yeah. Margie & Luke received the “Oh, Luke just had a single blunder! Poor Luke!” edit during their elimination and the over-the-top pit stop arrival, and Jet & Cord received the “They were cheated with that U-Turn!” edit, but the Globetrotters? Nobody felt particularly outraged that they barely lost to Kisha & Jen nor was there a casual and/or hardcore voice that wished for them to come back.

P.S. STOP WITH THE FUCKING BASKETBALL ANALOGIES!

7) Jaime & Cara

 

8) Margie & Luke

 

9) Mel & Mike

 

10) Jet & Cord

 

11) Amanda & Kris

 

Team Averages

Below is a list of all teams from seasons I have blogged to date, ranked by racing average.

e.g. Don & Mary Jean finished 9th, 8th, 8th, 8th, and 8th. Add up the numbers and divide it by the number of legs they have played.

Therefore their average is 8.2.

Because of how long this list has become, I only show the relevant section where the eliminated team from this episode has fallen amongst the ranks of what TAR history has to offer.

Bulls–t Round One/Starting Line Eliminations That Do Not Count

Eric & Lisa N/A
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A

— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0 TAR 4
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0 TAR 3
11th Ron & Tony 11.0 TAR 17
11th Adrian & Dana 11.0 TAR 16
11th Preston & Jennifer 11.0 TAR 14
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0 TAR 13
11th Ari & Staella 11.0 TAR 12
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0 TAR 11
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0 TAR 10
11th John & Scott 11.0 TAR 9
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0 TAR 7
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0 TAR 6
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0 TAR 5
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0 TAR 2
11th Matt & Ana 11.0 TAR 1
10th Edwin & Monica 10.0 Only team to finish last for the first two rounds of the race TAR Asia 3
10th Yani & Nadine 10.0 Would have survived round two, but were marked for elimination and thus officially finished in last both rounds TAR Asia 4
10th Jody & Shannon 10.0 TAR Adventure 16
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0 TAR 9
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0 TAR 11
10th Neena & Amit 10.0 TAR Asia 3
10th A Black Family 10.0 TAR 8
— F +–
10th Andie & Jenna 9.5 TAR 17
10th Steve & Linda 9.5 TAR 14
10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????) TAR 13
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.) TAR 7
11th Garrett & Jessica 9.5 TAR 15
10th Kate & Pat 9.0 TAR 12
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0 TAR 11
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0 May or may not be gutsy. TAR 2
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0 TAR 6
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF TAR 3
10th Mel & Mike 8.33 Mel died. TAR 18
9th Marianna & Julia 8.33 TAR 12
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33 TAR 4
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2 Saved by NEL once TAR 6
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0 TAR 10
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0 TAR 1
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8 Yielded TAR 9
9th Jaime & Cara 7.8 U-Turned and Used U-Turn TAR 18
8th Marisa & Brooke 7.75 Sucked. TAR 13
7th Mika & Canaan 7.67  Why the heck did they sign up? TAR 15
9th Marcy & Ron 7.67 Bald. TAR 15
9th Isaac & William 7.5 TAR Asia 3
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33 TAR 5
9th Alan & Wendy 7.25 Saved by NEL once TAR Asia 4
8th Manas & Sahil 7.0 TAR Asia 4
8th Singaporean Sophie & French Born Aurelia 7.0 (French Born Aurelia sadly does not know the English words for ‘team averages’. :/) TAR Asia 2
8th Aiello Family 7.0 TAR 8
–D minus–
8th Tom & Terry 7.0 TAR 10
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0 R.I.P. Margaretta TAR 1
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0 Producers refused to hay bail them. TAR 6
10th Hope & Norm 7.0 TAR 2
7th Christie & Jodi 6.67 Saved by NEL–Became the Devil of Casting Later TAR 14
9th Brad & Victoria 6.67 TAR 14
7th Niroo & Kapil 6.75 TAR Asia 3
6th Maria & Tiffany 6.57 Saved by NEL once and Justin’s blunder again TAR 15
9th Rogers Family 6.5 R.I.P. Renee. TAR 8
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5 TAR 7
11th Amanda & Kris 6.5 TAR 18 Automatic U-Turned.
6th Henry & Terri 6.44 Used Their Yield; saved by a non-elimination round THREE times. R.I.P. Henry. TAR Asia 2
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43 Saved by NEL once TAR 1
8th Margie & Luke 6.4 TAR 18
9th Brett & Kinar 6.33 Rocky finish. TAR Asia 2
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 6.33 TAR Asia 1
8th Pailin & Natalie 6.33 TAR Asia 3
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25 TAR 9
7th Aja & Cabbie 6.2 TAR 13
7th Paul & Amie 6.2 TAR 1
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF TAR 4
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF Saved by NEL once TAR 10
–D+–
5th Kent & Vyxsin 6.0 Used U-Turn and Saved by NEL once TAR 18
7th Ron & Christina 6.0 TAR 18
8th Lance & Keri 6.0 TAR 15
9th Zev & Justin 6.0 Passport lost. TAR 15
10th Ernie & Jeena 6.0 TAR Asia 1
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0 TAR 4
6th Andre & Damon 5.86 TAR 3
7th Daichi & Sawaka 5.83 TAR Asia 2
7th Dave & Lori 5.83 Saved by NEL once TAR 9
5th Kami & Karli 5.8 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8 TAR 3
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8 TAR 2
7th Shana & Jennifer 5.8 Used U-Turn TAR 12
9th Heather & Eve 5.75 Legal team beaten by rule book. TAR 3
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67 R.I.P. Nancy. Saved by NEL once. TAR 1
7th Jeff & Jordan 5.67. Saved by a stupid Blind U-Turn once but dead next day. TAR 16
6th Gaghan Family 5.5 TAR 8
10th Alison & Donny 5.5 TAR 5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF TAR 4
8th Sahil & Prashant 5.4 FF. Beaten by a bunch of rules. TAR Asia 1
8th Katie & Rachel 5.4 Had all of the tools to finish with a 5.4 ratio TAR 17
–C minus–
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36 Saved by NEL twice TAR 7
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF TAR 4
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33 TAR 5
9th Monique & Shawne 5.33 TAR 16. Praise Jesus.
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33 TAR 7
7th KevJumba & Michael 5.29 TAR 17. NEL once + Heather & Eve Syndrome.
7th Gus & Hera 5.29 TAR 6
4th Nick & Vicki 5.27 TAR 17 Saved by NEL twice
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25 Saved by NEL once TAR 11
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25 TAR 5
8th Lorena & Jason 5.25 U-Turned TAR 12
5th Mark & Michael 5.22 Saved by NEL once but came up just short TAR 14
3rd Andrew & Dan 5.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 13
7th Silver & Gold/ Wil & Grace 5.17 TAR 3
6th Kelly & Christy 5.14 TAR 13
5th Chad & Stephanie 5.11 U-Turned TAR 17
7th Ray & Deana 5.0 FF TAR 7
7th Melody & Sharon 5.0. Screwed over by weird penalty for another team. TAR Asia 1
9th Steve & Josh 5.0  FF TAR 4
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0  FF TAR 1
9th Mark & Bill 5.0  Wah. TAR 13
5th Fran & Barry 4.89 TAR 9
6th Howard & Sahran 4.88 TAR Asia 1
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85 – Yielded TAR 10
7th Ivan & Hilda 4.83 TAR Asia 4
7th Teri & Ian All Stars 4.83 TAR 11
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF and saved by NEL once TAR 3
6th Mai & Oliver 4.8 In a car TAR Asia 3
7th Schroeder Family 4.75 TAR 8
9th Connor & Jonathan 4.75 TAR 17
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71 – Used Yield TAR 9
6th Brian & Greg 4.71 TAR 7
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70 TAR 10
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF and Used Yield and Yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 6
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67 TAR 10
3rd Hussein & Natasha Saved by 4.64 NEL once TAR Asia 4
6th Gary & Mallory 4.625 TAR 17
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 6
6th Jet & Cord  4.56 – U-Turned, saved by NEL once TAR 18
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF TAR 3
8th Kris & Jo–er, Amanda 4.50 U-Turned TAR 14
5th Paula & Natasha 4.45 saved by NEL once TAR Asia 2
4th Louie & Michael 4.36 saved by NEL once, used U-Turn. & trained wolf cubs TAR 16
5th Uchenna & Joyce All Stars 4.33 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 11
8th Joe & Heidi 4.40 – Blind U-Turned with Injured Knee; TAR 16
1st Dan & Jordan 4.33 – FF once TAR 16
3rd Brent & Caite 4.33 – Used U-Turn TAR 16
4th Jess & Lani 4.3 TAR Asia 4
4th Kisha & Jen 4.27 Saved by NEL once, U-Turned once TAR 14
3rd Brian & Ericka 4.25 saved by NEL once TAR 15
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF TAR 2
–B minus–
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23 saved by NEL once TAR 9
5th Gary & Matt 4.22 saved by NEL once and c—blocked once in Saunabuss TAR 15
3rd Nicolas & Donald 4.18 FF and U-Turned TAR 12
4th Linda & Karen 4.17 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
3rd Charla & Mirna All Stars 4.15 TAR 11
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.) TAR 2
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF and Used Yield TAR 8
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11 TAR 7
5th Andy & Laura 4.00 – Yielded TAR Asia 1
5th Carol & Brandy 4.00 – U-Turned. May or May Not Be Mean. TAR 16
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF, saved by NEL, grew goatees TAR 4
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 2
2nd Jaime & Cara 3.92 TAR 14
2nd Pamela & Vanessa 3.92 TAR Asia 2
4th A.D. & Fuzzie 3.90 – U-Turned and saved by NEL once TAR Asia 3
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF TAR 2
6th Sunaina & Dimple 3.875 – Used Yield, U-Turned TAR Asia 4
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85 Saved by NEL twice TAR 4
2nd Michelle & Claire 3.81 Used U-Turn and Yielded TAR Asia 4
1st Zabrina & Joe Jer 3.77 saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
2nd Sandy & Francesca 3.77 – Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
2nd Herb & Nate a.k.a. Flight Time & Big Easy 3.75 U-Turned and Used U-Turn TAR 18
4th Diane & Ann 3.75 – Yielded TAR Asia 2
4th Jon & Al 3.73 TAR 4
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71 TAR 5
–B+–
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 2
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF TAR 4
5th Kynt & Vyxsin 3.63 Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 12
1st Eric & Danielle All Stars 3.62 – Yielded Twice, saved by NEL once TAR 11
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF, saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
6th Mel & Mike 3.57 TAR 14
5th Ethan & Khairie 3.56 TAR Asia 4
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56 TAR 6
3rd Ida & Tania 3.54 Saved by NEL twice TAR Asia 3
4th Joseph & Monica 3.50 – Yielded TAR 9
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46 TAR Asia 1
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46 – Used Yield and Yielded TAR 6
2nd Ronald & Christina 3.45 TAR 12
4th Zev & Justin 3.45 TAR 18
4th Nathan & Jennifer 3.40 – Never finished in 1st TAR 12
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 2
1st Chip & Kim 3.38 – Used Yield TAR 5
6th Steve & Allie 3.38 – TAR 16, and ain’t got no clothes.
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF TAR 1
1st Kisha & Jen 3.33 TAR 18
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
3rd Gary & Mallory 3.25 Saved by NEL once and Used Express Pass TAR 18
5th Terence & Sarah 3.25 TAR 13
1st TK & Rachel 3.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 12
4th Godlewski Family 3.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 8
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17 – Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 10
–A minus–
2nd Sam & Dan 3.17 U-Turned Pointlessly TAR 15
2nd Brook & Claire 3.17 U-Turned Once TAR 17
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17 TAR 10
3rd Weaver Family 3.15 – Yielded Twice, saved by NEL twice TAR 8
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF TAR 4
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 7
4th Toni & Dallas 3.10 Still in Russia TAR 13
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF TAR 3
2nd Geoff 26 & Tisha 31  3.09 Used Yield and U-Turn TAR Asia 3
4th Herb & Nate a.k.a. Flight Time & Big Easy 3.09 TAR 15. Znarf!
1st Nat & Kat 3.08 – FF and Used U-Turn Once TAR 17
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF TAR 10
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00 – Yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 7
3rd Jill & Thomas 3.00 – Used U-Turn once and Used Express Pass TAR 17
6th Azaria & Hendekea 3.00 – TAR 12
4th Hayden & Aaron 2.92 – Saved by NEL once TAR 6
2nd Dustin & Kandice All Stars 2.92 – Used Yield TAR 10
2nd Bransen Family 2.85 – Saved by NEL once TAR 8
1st Linz Family 2.77 – Used Yield TAR 8
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 1
–BEST OF THE BEST–
3rd Margie & Luke 2.75 Used U-Turn once TAR 14
5th Henry & Bernie/Bunn-Eh 2.75 – Yielded TAR Asia 3
8th Rob & Amber All Stars 2.75 – Used Yield, Choked TAR 11
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 3
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF TAR 3
4th Oswald & Danny All Stars 2.67 FF x2, Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 11
2nd Ken & Tina 2.64 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 13
2nd Jet & Cord 2.58 – Saved by NEL once TAR 16.
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF, Yielded, and saved by NEL once TAR 5
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF TAR 2
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF TAR 1
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF, Used Yield, and saved by NEL twice TAR 9
1st Vince & Sam 2.45 FF TAR Asia 3
1st Nick & Starr 2.45 FF TAR 13
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF TAR 10
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF TAR 1
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38 TAR 6
1st Tammy & Victor 2.33 Used U-Turn Once TAR 14
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31 TAR 7
1st Richard & Richard 2.27 FF TAR Asia 4
1st Adrian & Collin 2.23 FF TAR Asia 2
1st Meghan & Cheyne 2.00 FF TAR 15
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF TAR 9
lol 3rd Marc & Rovilson 1.46 Used Yield and Yielded TAR Asia 2

Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)

11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 10 + 11
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 3 + 11
6 legs (lol) Amanda & Kris 5.17 U-Turned twice TAR 14 + 18
17 legs Jaime & Cara 5.06 Used U-Turn and U-Turned TAR 14 + 18
10 legs Mel & Mike 5.00 TAR 14 + 18
18 legs Kent & Vyxsin 4.94 Used U-Turn Twice, Saved by NEL twice TAR 12 + 18
18 legs Danielle 4.78 yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
19 legs Teri & Ian 4.63 FF TAR 3 + 11
18 legs Ron & Christina 4.44 TAR 12 + 18
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF TAR 1 + 11
20 legs Charla & Mirna 4.00 TAR 5 + 11
16 legs Zev & Justin 3.875 TAR 15 + 18
20 legs Gary & Mallory 3.80 Saved by NEL once, Used Express Pass TAR 17 + 18
23 legs Kisha & Jen 3.78 Saved by NEL once and U-Turned once TAR 14 + 18
21 legs Joe & Bill 3.71 FF, saved by NEL thrice TAR 1 + 11
22 legs Uchenna & Joyce 3.64 FF x2, saved by NEL twice TAR 7 + 11
18 legs Margie & Luke 3.61 Used U-Turn TAR 14 + 18
*31 legs Eric & Danielle 3.48 FF, yielded x3, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
21 legs Jet & Cord 3.43 Saved by NEL twice, U-Turned TAR 16 + 18
23 legs Herb & Nate 3.43 Used U-Turn once and U-Turned once TAR 15 + 18
23 legs Oswald & Danny 3.30 FF x3, used Yield, saved by NEL twice TAR 2 + 11
25 legs Dustin & Kandice 3.04 used Yield twice, saved by NEL once TAR 10 + 11
26 legs Eric 2.65 FF, Yielded x2, saved by NEL once  TAR 9 + 11
17 legs Rob & Amber 2.41 Used Yield TAR 7 + 11

* I determined Eric & Danielle’s average in this last section by adding up all of their individual points from TAR 9, then adding up their total points in All Stars and dividing it by 31.

Season Rankings Updated
—-

Scroll down to the Conclusion section. For the first time ever, I included a short summary for each of the eighteen seasons that I have blogged about to date. Where does TAR 15 fall?

1. The Amazing Race 5 – 9.2/10

2. The Amazing Race 12 – 9.0/10

3. The Amazing Race 7 – 8.8/10

4. The Amazing Race 3 – 8.7/10

5. The Amazing Race 17 – 8.65/10

6. The Amazing Race 9 – 8.6/10

7. The Amazing Race 2 – 8.5/10

8. The Amazing Race 11: Real All Stars – 7.2/10

9. The Amazing Race Asia 2 – 7.19/10

10. The Amazing Race (1) – 7/10

11. The Amazing Race Asia 4: “The Race of a Lifetime” – 6.81/10

12. The Amazing Race 13 – 6.8/10

13. The Amazing Race Asia 3: Toughest Race Ever – 6.7/10

14. The Amazing Race 10 – 6.5/10

15. The Amazing Race 18: Unfinished Business 6.4/10

“This season was expected to be the worst season of all time, and had a best case scenario of being an average season. Thank God the absolute best case scenario happened, and the season was ultimately saved from being utter shit.

I don’t know what producers were thinking prior to the start of the season. Very few of their decisions made any sense.

Pick FIVE teams from the worst season ever? Check.
Plan a route which heavily favours these five teams, and insert only one new country for a third of a round? Check.
Plan a terrible twist at the beginning, and do absolutely nothing interesting for the remainder of the season? Check.

This was the season I was originally going to come out of my TAR hiatus to watch live five years ago, but all of these factors made me delay watching this season until this TARstorian project.

I see why now it is not a despised season: Producers really lucked out by having their bad decisions not play out the way they wanted it. Hallelujah.

Unlike TAR 11: Real All Stars, this season was full of snubs with teams they could clearly replace in this cast. Sorry, TAR 13.

We saw a revamped version of the Eliminate Somebody at the Starting Line for No Apparent Reason twist from TAR 15 where Amanda & Kris were doomed after the opening minutes of the race (they will be automatically U-Turned during the first elimination round and essentially screwed–brilliant!). Thankfully, Amanda & Kris are the biggest head-scratcher of a team to be chosen to return in TAR history, and took the well-deserved bullet for everyone else.

Things got better. Nearly everyone else from TAR 14 fell in a row at the start of the season, and allowed teams like Gary & Mallory, Zev & Justin, Kent & Vyxsin, and Ron & Christina dominate the airtime for nearly the whole season. Because of this, there were a ton of hilarious moments. Kent & Vyxsin’s insane blunders and meltdowns alone kept us going for weeks.

Luke’s epic fail at the tea Roadblock in India was perfect dark comedy. Some, for odd reasons, state it was one of the saddest reasons in TAR history–I view it as the exact opposite. There are few times where more unintentional comedy has been provided for a viewer in The Amazing Race.

Ron eating, Christina falling out of cars, Kent & Vyxsin losing their passport or driving twenty hours in the opposite direction and pointlessly betraying other teams, Zev making inappropriate jokes, Justin providing great commentary, and Mallory being a 24/7 cartoon character kept us going from week to week. Oh, and who can forget Jet & Cord’s delicious elimination in the ninth round?

Kisha & Jen’s victory provided a minimal reaction for the audience. It is not bad, but not super compelling either. Everyone can accept their victory, but not have a strong opinion about it.

TAR 18 was a strange way to wrap up another era of TAR. It was all over the place, a lot of it never really made any sense, there were a couple of good seasons here and there, but somehow the series continued to survive.

Perhaps the biggest fault for this season is it never addressed any of the long-term complaints that the audience had about the show for the past decade. This failure to address the viewers is why TAR 18 will mark the end of the program’s grip in American pop culture, and fade more and more into a niche market until. . .well, until today where TAR 29 has already been filmed, but no word on when it will air beyond it being a “mid-season replacement”. And perhaps the other major fault is that this season does not have any major highlights or anything significant to keep it alive outside of Kent & Vyxsin’s humongous blunder in Japan where they couldn’t even make the required flight. The following season, TAR 19, will also suffer from being unmemorable, but without the strong characters to save it.

Lastly, any season involving returnees needs to have challenges which are a step above a “regular season”. TAR 11 accomplished this, but sadly TAR 18 did not. None of the tasks felt like the teams were playing for keeps.

If anything, this season should have been a lesson for producers to start listening to the experts who support the series.

P.S. This season is the first one to not even have a planned Fast Forward.

16. The Amazing Race 4 – 6.25/10

17. The Amazing Race 16 – 5.8/10

18. The Amazing Race 15 – 4.9/10

19. The Amazing Race Asia (1) – 4.55/10

20. The Amazing Race 8: Family Edition – 4.0/10

21. The Amazing Race 6 – 3.9/10

22. The Amazing Race 14 – 2.5/10

It took nearly a year, but it is finally complete! Nearly 1, 100 pages later and TAR 18: Unfinished Business is in the books for the TARstorian rankings!

grant bowler.png

Now do your worst, Grant Bowler. Which of these twenty racers is. . .The Mole? C’mon. I am always going to be suspicious. You even worked The Weakest Link into The Mole. What would stop you from having a season of TAR be an overly elaborate task for a humongous season of The Mole? Let’s raise money for the kitty, boys!

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One Response to The Amazing Race 18 Unfinished Business Season Finale Rankings

  1. Jordan says:

    I can’t wait for your blogs on TAR19. That was the first season that I started watching The Amazing Race on a consistent basis live.

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