The Amazing Race Canada 4 Funniest Complaints Pre-Season Edition

Bad news: My apologies to all of the TAR 27 and TAR 28 fans who were eager to see the Funniest Complaints compilation run on a weekly basis. I found it difficult to put enough time aside for it all season long (and no, it had nothing to do with THAT incident).

Good news: I experimented with two new methods (the first half of the complaints crosses out the names and pictures while the second half of the complaints simply cuts them out entirely). One of these two is not only faster but my first impression is that it makes it much easier to follow along with as a reader. Depending on the reaction, I will be sticking to one particular style.

So, it’s the preseason. I, Logan Saunders, have once again been rejected as a contestant on The Amazing Race Canada. It is my second rejection for TAR Canada which can be added with my four rejections for Big Brother Canada, thus producing a grand total of six rejections. I am on my way to a national record.

For those of you are new to my blog, I had a weekly segment during TAR Canada 3 where I respond to a bunch of hilarious complaints on the official TAR Canada Facebook page (and also pulled complaints from other social media sources).

Nobody had really done this before, and was quickly met with universal praise from fans, producers, and contestants. The same was done for a few weeks of TAR 27 as well as for two episodes of TAR 28.

If you have read this segment before, you can already forecast what the complaints are going to be prior to the start of the season.

Remember: I am one year older, and one year crankier as my dreams were shattered by producers. I am the most bitter 24-year-old in existence. . .now to undergo personal therapy as I respond to others with sarcasm.

***

canada 4 week 1

Man. . . nobody even thought about logistics before entering this topic, eh? It should be noted that producers will NOT cast any babies or toddlers from Saskatchewan or Manitoba, let alone the three territories.

And what type of babies and toddlers would be able to make it into the cast?

angelica

Angelica Pickles would be a lock for the season. I can picture the negative response she would get from casual fans.

“That Angelica is such a bitch!”

“I can’t believe she U-Turned the Twins!”

“She said WHAT about Chuckie’s glasses? Shame on you, Angelica! Shame on you!”

And then Michael Harmstone, Ben Powell, and myself would have to set aside time on our RTV Warriors podcast each week defending Angelica, and how she is a great character.

***

canada 4 week preview 2

These two people were clearly on two different wavelengths.

And I don’t think producers made a mistake. They watched your audition tape and saw how incredibly skilled you and your wife were. Marc & Rovilson’s record of possessing a 1.46 average internationally would have been trumped by your inevitable 1.00 average. All twelve legs would have been swept like the Yankees in the World Series in the late 90s.

That part in the audition tape where you jumped over Nate “Big Easy” Lofton to slam dunk a basketball AND solving a Rubik’s Cube in thirty seconds? Or that one part where you guys were doing karaoke and knew to say “Tiny Dancer” instead of “Tony Danza” in that Elton John song?

Producers didn’t make a mistake–they were thinking of the contestants who would have sh-t themselves by the feel of you and your wife’s aura at the starting line, and instantly pass out before Monty can say “Go!”

It’s like TAR Canada’s version of seeing Zeus in his true form–so magnificent and powerful that nobody else could be capable of being in your presence.

Maybe when another married pair of demi-gods apply for TAR Canada, producers can you pit you guys against one another.

***

canada 4 week preview 3

A post about Hamerotz LaMillion (Israeli TAR) on the TAR Canada Facebook page? Surreal.

Fun fact: My brother and his wife ran into the filming of the Israeli version of TAR back in November (it was during the Rome leg which recently aired a couple of weeks ago–it was my sister-in-law’s second time running into TAR when filming).

I don’t think this Hamerotz hopeful knows his audience, though.

a) About a third of the comments on the page are to advocate TAR Canada to stay entirely WITHIN Canada. It’s xenophobia galore out there, and I for one do not find it very kosher.

b) Fans are extremely pissed that there is nobody from Saskatchewan yet, and are blasting producers for not picking a team from their province yet.

c) Considering the two points above, helping a contestant hopeful for a version of TAR that is halfway across the planet may not be at the top of their priority list.

***

canada 4 week preview 4

The minute we see Peggy’s Cove is the minute TAR Canada stops being a family show.

And you want producers to stay in Canada MORE this season? Eight out of twelve rounds wasn’t f–king enough for you?

They went to Sudbury. Sudbury. Sudbury.

If that did not satisfy you, please stop watching. If it were up to you, 100 Mile House will be hosting a leg of TAR Canada.

***

canada 4 week preview 5

Despite Big Brother Canada (1) being the first Canadian competitive reality TV competition to ever air in our nation’s history, Emmett & Jillian never really tried to exploit their fame like a Richard Hatch or a Colby Donaldson did in America.

Keep in mind TAR US’ first crossover was Alison Irwin from Big Brother 4 US, and this was just months after she finished her stay in the house before competing on TAR 5.

Here, the Canadian competitive reality TV pioneers have been on the sidelines for over three years before becoming the first crossover.

melias

OK Elias, I guess your crossover was officially first. Although I do find it hilarious that your appearance on Big Brother Canada 4 was longer than your appearance on TAR Canada 3.

In all seriousness, Emmett & Jillian have pretty much faded. Thanks to Topaz’s blunder, all of the attention was on Gary rather than Jillian’s victory, and Peter Brown for some reason got to be BB Canada 1’s representative by co-hosting every single Sideshow ever since.

Somebody who is chasing fame typically does not settle down with being an elementary school teacher or hang out on a freakin’ goat farm or whatever the hell Emmett does in rural Nova Scotia.

Oh yes, and did I mention both of them still live in Nova Scotia? Remember all of the opportunities there to make special appearances at galas and other events? Man, they have the life.

***

canada 4 week preview 6

You know what else is “so lame”? Manitoba.

monty hall

Except Monty Hall. He is pretty cool.

***

canada 4 week preview 8

It’s true. After two episodes, most casual fans are still trying to figure out everyone’s names, or which city they flew to just ten minutes earlier.

NOTE: Canada has a population of roughly 35 million people. Ontario alone consists of 13.8 million of them.

13, 800, 000 divided by 36, 000, 000 = 38.33 percent of the population.

TAR Canada’s cast has four out of ten teams from Ontario for a grand total of 40 percent.

So yes. The representation is unfair by 1.67 percent.

NOTE #2: Saskatchewan has a population of 1.1 million people.

1, 100, 000 divided by 36, 000, 000 = 3.05 percent of Canada’s population.

That means for every 36 teams cast on The Amazing Race, ONE would hail from Saskatchewan on average. Seeing as how we are currently at 42 teams in TAR Canada’s roster, Saskatchewan is being under-represented by just over one percent.

Also, Saskatchewan is statistically the least diverse out of the three Prairies provinces.

And that is the most math I wish to do on a Funniest Complaints blog post. I blame people like you for bringing me to this point.

***

canada 4 week preview 9

Too late, motherf–ker.

***

canada 4 week preview 10

gilmore girls

Which is oddly enough the same pick-up line used on the Gilmore Girls.

***

canada 4 week preview 11

If she becomes super gregarious, we’ll talk.

I don’t think producers watched her audition tape and thought “Minimum make-up? NEXT! Oh, and did you guys notice her ‘no fuss hairstyle’? That’s not what the Canadian public wants to see! Why do you think we cast Mickey and Pete!!!!”

And who are the wannabes actors and actresses? Let’s take a look at this season 4 cast who you claim are attempting to whore themselves out to the Canadian media.

canada occupations

One person. That one person also happens to be somebody who dedicates a ton of their time advocating for Indigenous rights in Canada, and gets all up in yo face about it.

You know which season is the only one that went entirely with stunt casting and going after people who want to be in the public eye? The first season! Mainly because producers and the network wanted as many faces and recognizable figures who could give the series some legs to stand on (no Jody pun intended) and create the series we know and barely love today.

***

canada 4 week preview 12

The first season was actually the least real. They never went outside of Canada, the editing was weird, we had a random Disney actress, the freakin’ BodyBreak couple, a pair of friends who are occasionally mactors, and a couple of people who were used strictly as stories of inspiration who were allowed to participate.

They were sooooooo real and definitely every day people unlike a freakin’ psychologist, lawyer, or a teacher who are on this season.

And yes, if you and your husband’s reaction to everything is “oh, isn’t this fun? Ah,” then you might not be the most entertaining team to watch. What jokes can I make about you on the podcast then?

***

canada 4 week preview 13

In Missus Universe’s defense, I didn’t know who the hell she was until this cast was announced. To me she will be “that contestant on The Amazing Race Canada who competed in something that I could not care less about”.

My apologies to the millions of Missus Universe fanatics who are offended that I dare diss their grand pageant. Hey, maybe I’ll know more about your competition if you invite Steve Harvey to host next time.

***

The next complaint is in response to Emmett & Jillian being cast.

canada 4 week preview 14

I love these. It’s like the Geico cavemen browse through the TAR Canada page. “Gross. No. Ugh. Me no like. Yay.”

Gross has to be my favourite, though. Gross because they are from Nova Scotia? Is there some sort of stereotype I don’t know about that Nova Scotians roll around in mud all day and spit on each other’s shoes? Are they gross because they believe in first cousins being allowed to breed in order to keep the blood line “pure”? I know it’s rural, but I didn’t know it was -that- rural.

***

canada 4 week preview 15

You thought the two women dating were two of your friends on the show? I forgot that all Lesbian couples look alike.

And yes, we finally have somebody talking about the blind person. I assume his partner will be seeking the clue boxes, but we have had two blind racers on the race before.

fran barry redo

fran barry.jpg

And hey, they made it to fifth place in a season with BJ & Tyler and Eric & Jeremy.

In all seriousness though, I am intrigued to watch how Lowell runs the race, and how editors create his story. If it turns into a Bethany Hamilton-esque “Lowell is the most inspiring person to ever inspire an inspired inspiring thing”, and not edit him as a real person, then I shall be pissed. Don’t go for the easy story, producers. Make him well-rounded.

***

canada complaints preseason 6

Alberya? Is that Canada’s new province where Alberta and Libya are merged together?

Oh my god. Ladies and gentlemen, we can officially unveil our eleventh team for this season and are the FIRST to hail from Alberya!

muammor yvette

Muammor and Yvette! Former and currently deceased Libyan dictator and Service Canada agent, dating long distance!

Now THAT would be stunt casting. Muammor would LOVE the Roadblock where he would have to successfully triple the taxes! Unfortunately, some fox named Robin Hood would likely get in the way.

***

Below is a reaction to Ashley & Joel being cast.

canada complaints preseason 7

Apparently “hardworking” is used in the CTV bio for Joel & Ashley. See below.

ctv joel ashley

For those of you non-Canadians who aren’t familiar with stereotypes surrounding First Nations, one of the most common words thrown around by ignorant people are that First Nations people are “lazy” and/or that they get special treatment when it comes to various expenses in Canadian society.

I live in British Columbia where there is a much better relationship between White people and First Nations compared to the relationship you see in the Prairies. This isn’t coming from me, but rather from people who I am close to that have moved here from the Praires–even within Canada there is different levels of prejudice against minorities. So I could be completely wrong on this.

I do not want to step on this too much as fellow TAR Canada commentator Wayne Arthurson is somebody who is First Nations and also lives in the Prairies (Edmonton–the home of recycling plants and disloyal taxi drivers).

I would assume the person who wrote the bio for Joel & Ashley on the CTV website didn’t even think that referring to them as “hardworking” could be construed as an insult for the community rather than the compliment that was intended.

Sadly, I checked the official bios for the other nine teams, and none of them are described as hardworking. Other adjectives were used in its place.

Normally I would say “wow, you are getting upset over one word in a bio? You are crazy,” but in this situation I do understand where the complaint is coming from.

It reminds me of a bit from The League where they talk about how sportscasters always refer to African-American athletes as “a real class act” or “well-spoken”.

Perhaps referring to Ashley & Joel as hardworking is simply because Ashley tours around a lot to do motivational speaking and an advocate for Indigenous Rights while Joel is an automotive mechanic. . .or the bio writer was just being unintentionally racist.

Should we get worked up about it? I dunno. I am just some White guy making fun of people who are angry that contestants on a reality show are not being cast from Saskatchewan.

So I may not be the best person to take lead on this controversy.

ctv ashley

And the origins of describing the team as “hardworking” may have nothing to do with the person who wrote the bio–it is what Ashley used to describe herself.

ctv joel

Oh, and Joel too. So congratulations, you guys overreacted once again. How typical.

***

canada complaints preseason 8

Pro athletes? TAR Canada 3 had Elias Theodorou, and Duthie’s man crush in the form of CFLer Neil Lumsden.

This season has Steph & Kristin who are top athletes in a sport where you can’t even play semi-professionally.

Needless to say, James Duthie did not get his wish this season.

james duthie 2

That makes me happy to no end. Although I am sure he will try to bring his sporting world into a competitive reality show once more. He just can’t help himself.

***

canada complaints preseason 14

Hold on. Let me find an explanation for why that should never happen. Give me a second. . .

gino jesse canada

I rest my case.

Do you know what a weird season that would be?

The Tims, Jody & Cory, Vanessa & Celina, Mickey & Pete, Natalie & Meaghan, Ryan & Rob, Gino & Jesse, Nick & Matt, and Brent & Sean all competing against each other would be an extremely boring season.

Now take a look at everyone who has finished between 4th and 6th.

Brett & Holly, Hal & Joanne, Jet & Dave, The Sukhi & Jinder, AlainehAudrey, Pierre & Michel, Simi & Ope, DuJean & Leilani, and Brian & Cynthia?

That would be infinitely better. . .although we do lose Neil & Kristin and Nic & Sabrina in the process. :/

With that being said, NOW IS NOWHERE NEAR THE TIME TO DO A SEASON FULL OF RETURNEES FOR TAR CANADA! I have several reasons, but now is not the time to dive into it. A returnee season at this point in the franchise would be stupid and idiotic for a variety of reasons.

***

canada complaints preseason 9

Much like my aunt who does not watch TAR Canada because Monty has a “sing-song” voice, this person has a hatred against Monty for. . .other reasons.

It may have something to do with the fact that he repeatedly appears in YouTube ads before the videos I want to see are shown. I cannot recall what the ad was for, but there was Monty occupying my screen for fifteen seconds before I got to see a Running Man dance.

mike chang

Perhaps it is Monty trying to be the next Mike Chang that is starting to drive the audience nuts.

***

canada complaints preseason 10

canada complaints preseason 11

BC, Alberta, Ontario, Quebec, and Nova Scotia?

.

.

.

I can live with that.

And if #TeamJemmett trends as a nickname, I will disown this franchise.

***

canada complaints preseason 12

Isn’t it obvious? You all put us to sleep faster than a viewing of Bicentennial Man.

***

canada complaints preseason 13

Every season there are always people posting homophobic stuff about TAR Canada.

Oddly enough, there was one person who thought this word being not okay is nothing more than “a stunt by the PC Police”, but when I made my April Fool’s joke article about The Amazing Race two months ago that used zero offensive slurs, this same person labelled my article as “inane and in bad taste”. Oh, the irony.

I cannot believe there are people out there who are still like this and genuine about their homophobia, and even sadder that they trickle into the core of the TAR community.

Let’s hope I never have to meet them in person.

***

canada complaints preseason

james brown

Are you trying to tell producers to get up offa that “thing”? James Brown’s message worked. It might also work for you.

***

canada complaints preseason 1

Somebody wanted something more from this cast.

***

canada complaints preseason 4

canada complaints preseason 2

Wow. Is it possible? People more bitter than me that old brothers, Saskatchewaners, two sisters, and a no hair fussy teacher did not make it into the season?

I do have an idea for a great prank, though. Production should find somebody who has the exact same first and last name as one of these superfans, and put them on TAR Canada 5.

For example, they find another person named Logan Saunders. He is some guy who is disinterested in TAR Canada, but him and his friend are top Ping Pong players who producers are eager to recruit. They casually throw in an audition tape, and advance to the final casting stage and ultimately make it into the season.

When it is announced that there is a Logan Saunders in TAR Canada, my inbox will be flooded with hundreds of e-mails of “Logan! You did it! You finally achieved your dream! Congratulations!!!!”

Then I would be confused, check the press release, and fly into some sort of rage knowing full well producers were trying their damndest to figuratively give me the middle finger.

Although things would be fine again when teams have to re-visit Sudbury for a Big Nickel Switchback because there are no more places for the series to visit in Canada. Oh, how sweet that would be.

P.S. Sue of Sue’s Reality Canada just released her own article about the complaints without ever mentioning me once. How the hell did she not acknowledge me? Does she not know I have been responding to complaints way longer than she has? Jesus, Sue. Give credit where credit is due.

hamilton cynthia 2

Logan has been here way longer than you, bud.

Alright. That’s it for my first blog post about TAR Canada 4. My written cast assessment should be up soon, and Michael Harmstone will return from his Eastern European vacation to podcast about the new cast AND break down the season premiere in our usual ridiculous fashion.

***

Feel free to catch up on our most recent podcasts here.

 

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2 Responses to The Amazing Race Canada 4 Funniest Complaints Pre-Season Edition

  1. Hold your horses for a minute there dude.
    I’m sorry I didn’t realize you had a monopoly on the TARC Complaints Department. Surely there is enough room in there to squeeze in a little woman from Windsor, who is probably old enough to be your mother.
    Besides, it was just a wee rant.
    Just my usual, I’m-hoping-for-a-good-season, please-god-no-hidden-Montanis, blurb.
    And just to prove it, I promise to maybe mention you in my first recap, okay?

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