“Vyctim Blaming and Too Many Gnomes in the Kitchen” (Episode Blog #271)
AUSTRALIA – JAPAN – CHINA – INDIA – AUSTRIA – LIECHTENSTEIN – SWITZERLAND – BRAZIL – UNITED STATES
Sorry for my unintentional hiatus, guys.
I kinda went on vacation. Sorry.
Previously on TAR: Six teams raced from Salzburg to Switzerland. At the Roadblock, measuring the tiny country of Liechtenstein, teams helped each other out, but left Jet in the cold.
In Zermatt, Zev & Justin filled up on fondue and came in first. With Jet & Cord mounting another comeback, Flight Time & Big Easy felt the pressure and used the U-Turn to send the Cowboys home.
Five teams remain; who must be eliminated next?
NUMBER OF TIMES MENTIONED IN THE ‘PREVIOUSLY ON TAR’ SEGMENT
GARY & MALLORY 5
FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY: 4
JET & CORD 4
ZEV & JUSTIN 4
KENT & VYXSIN: 3
AMANDA & KRIS 2
MEL & MIKE 2
JAIME & CARA: 2
MARGIE & LUKE: 2
RON & CHRISTINA 2
KISHA & JEN: 0. lol.
– Intro time.
– Phil introduces us to the Matterhorn.
Created more than ten thousand years ago, it was the inspiration for the Paramount logo. . .I need to stop making that reference.
PHIL: Its height and imposing solitary shape inspired so much fear amongst mountaineers that it was the last great alpine mountain to be climbed. . .and high above the town of Zermatt, Moos Restaurant.
I love how we go from talking about the scariest mountain overall, but then immediately transition to a silly restaurant where teams finished the round. They didn’t even touch the Matterhorn.
PHIL: This mountainside eatery was the ninth pit stop in a race around the world.
A mountainside eatery is just a slight step down from the Taj Mahal being used as a pit stop.
I don’t know what he did to convince production to use his restaurant as the pit stop for this leg of the race. I hear the pickled eggs are the best thing on the menu–it keeps your thumb fresh and delicious.
– Zev & Justin arrived at the end of the last leg at an unspecified time.
“This restaurant is the pit stop. Don’t you guys feel silly for having a crappy meal at the Detour?”
– They shall depart first at 6:54am.
Racing through the Alps in December is not Zev & Justin’s idea of fun.
And sunlight is a rare commodity to come by at this time of year. Seven o’ clock and still dark. Geez.
ZEV: ‘You are heading into the unknown.’ Well that’s comforting.
Yep. The Swiss Alps have their own Unfinished Business. Cue up the avalanche to wipe out all five remaining teams!
It is euphoric.
– The unknown is made known to the viewers–teams will head to the Air Rescue Helicopter Port in town, and sign up for a departure time at five minute intervals.
Finally, some daylight.
– Justin explains their toques.
JUSTIN: This hat was knitted by my twelve year old sister.
Oh right. Americans don’t have a word for ‘toque’.
Into the unknown, Justin!
JUSTIN: She and her friend knitted matching ones for Zev and I, but Zev went for the lumberjack look. It’s been bringing us really good luck. Ever since we hit the cold weather, we’ve been running first. Hopefully that’ll keep up.
Yes, all two rounds that have been spent in cold weather. Keep the hats on, boys!
– Zev makes a Hulk-like noise and starts sprinting into the darkness.
JUSTIN: Don’t fall, you dummy.
He is wearing the lucky hat, Justin. There is no way he can fall.
And Zev was never seen again.
– Zev & Justin find the sign-up board.
I haven’t seen snow like this since the early 90s.
– Justin informs us the first helicopter will take off at 9:15am.
Which leaves them with a long wait in the snow.
– Justin says neither of them have been in a helicopter before.
JUSTIN: Oh boy. This is heavy duty. It’s about to get serious.
Especially when the helicopter is equipped with a canon.
Although not so serious for Kisha & Jen. They depart at 7:02am.
– Kisha finds it hilarious that they have one dollar for this leg of the race.
There’s been about twenty other legs in TAR history where one dollar has been given out, but somebody finds it hilarious after eighteen seasons.
KISHA: One dollar for this leg of the race?! WE RICH BITCH!
Are you kidding me?
Kisha becomes the first person in TAR history to quote Donnell Rawlings from Chappelle’s Show.
– Kisha says they have been having more fun this season because last time they rushed through everything. This time they have been stopping to enjoy the scenery and everything else going on around them.
Awkward close-up for a confessional.
– Jen is excited for a helicopter ride; Kisha is not.
So much for enjoying things.
KISHA: I’m not happy about this at all.
JEN: I’m very happy. This is the craziest thing I am about do in my life is about to happen.
JEN: Hopefully rescue some people stuck in alps.
KISHA: Hey, I’d already leave they asses there.
Note to self: If this is a Roadblock, don’t let Kisha do it. Not only will she not complete the task, but it will be the first time somebody will die in TAR US.
– Kent & Vyxsin start the round in third at 8:00am.
Vyxsin dancing with what they claim are their lucky stars.
KENT: We’re starting the legs happier now.
VYXSIN: We actually put on extra glitter so we’d match the snow.
Holy Jesus. Look at Vyxsin’s eyebrow.
I haven’t seen such an excessive amount of glitter since Mariah starred in her own shitty films.
KENT: As the race goes on, our tenacity, our perseverance, shines through. I feel like we become a better team the longer this race goes on.
Are you sure about that Kent? I could’ve sworn you guys are the only team that has bickered and has had personal meltdowns over the past three rounds.
– Kent & Vyxsin are walking.
KENT: Can you put my hood up? I can’t reach it.
Vyxsin walks over tenaciously.
Thanks to Vyxsin’s perseverance, she was able to put on Kent’s hood.
– Kent & Vyxsin attempt hiring a cab.
Either an electric cab or a valet cart are the two primary forms of transportation for Kent in Zermatt.
– Vyxsin says they will have to run, and run they do.
– Gary & Mallory depart in fourth at 8:18am.
They decide to open the clue together.
Mallory nearly gets slapped in the face by her own father in the process.
– Gary & Mallory start running, and Gary has an observation to make.
GARY: Look! These are tennis shoe marks! These waffled shoes are them!
How do you know it’s for sure them? Aren’t there like hundreds of people who leave a restaurant at eight o’ clock in the morning in a town of five thousand people? Man, Gary is the man for piecing this together.
Look out Mantracker, there’s a new sheriff in town!
– Kent & Vyxsin enter a clothing store.
They miss out on picking up one of those newspapers.
I guess Kent & Vyxsin will have to remain in the dark about Prince’s death.
– Kent & Vyxsin ask the employee behind the desk how to get an electric taxi. She answers that she can order one.
Look at the way Kent’s face is covered in that hood.
He is like a vibrant Sith lord. Something something pink side!
– In the meantime, Gary & Mallory have found an electric cab.
GARY: Can you give us a ride to the heliport? Can you get us there quicklyyyy!
Well, someone is in an awfully upbeat mood today. There is something about improving upon your previous season’s finishing position that just makes the next round a happy one.
It’s the same feeling Kent & Vyxsin are chasing.
MALLORY: It’s like you were tracking beer in the snow.
GARY: Hopefully we’ll jump Kent & Vyxsin on the way.
That’s right, Mall. You better be ready to take Kent & Vyxsin’s lunch money.
Which has probably been spent entirely on glitter. Where’d they get all of that glitter from, anyway?
THOSE BITCHES STOLE FROM MY STASH!
Oh, Gary. If only Topaz was as useful at casting a jury vote as Peter was at properly using a Veto. Wait. Bad analogy.
– Vyxsin recaps her big goal.
VYXSIN: Our big goal is no matter what place we come in we get to keep racing. We made fifth place in our first season. It would be so nice to at least have a little higher ranking this time around.
If they don’t, Kent shall throw a fit.
All they need to do is not have a nervous breakdown and have an epic choke in the process.
Their confessional is cut short as the electric taxi arrives.
KENT: Why won’t that guy stop?
Or maybe not. It bolts past them.
Note that the taxi incoming from the left of Vyxsin is Gary & Mallory’s cab.
Vyxsin has to dodge being run over by Gary & Mallory.
MALLORY: Shhh. Shhh. Don’t even look.
GARY: Keep going, keep going, keep going.
Well, that’s one way to get into the Final Four.
– Kent & Vyxsin note that it was Gary & Mallory in the taxi.
KENT: How did they get that?
I don’t know, but moving up to 3rd place within five minutes of leaving the pit stop is not a bad start to the day.
Meanwhile, not a good start to the day.
KENT: I don’t know how they would get that.
VYXSIN: As long as ours comes soon, we’re not that far behind them. I refuse to freak out right now.
KENT: Well, that frustrates me. It makes me want to kick some ass even more.
Wait, Kent is frustrated because Vyxsin refuses to not remain calm?
Sounds like another team I know.
Kent wants to beat the crap out of your peaceful attitude. You know who would be a disastrous partner for Kent?
The Dalai Lama. Not only would the Dalai Lama maintain a strong composure, but I think he would turn down wearing matching glitter or dyeing his robes pink.
Kent sneers at the discriminatory taxis of Zermatt.
– Globetrotters depart at 8:43am. Big Easy mocks Flight Time’s inability to open the clue.
BIG EASY: We gonna lose, you know!
That’s what happens when you trim your fingernails before the start of a leg, Flight Time.
– Herb eventually gets the clue open, and Big Easy exclaims over there being one dollar.
Sorry Big Easy, but you are going to have to re-use your old band-aids for the injury on top of your head.
BIG EASY: A dollar is worth twenty-three cents in Switzerland!
Sigh. A US Dollar here is worth $1.31 here.
If you can’t wait until TAR 19 for a sports analogy, Big Easy has you covered.
BIG EASY: This is the fourth quarter of the race. Last three legs. You could have a bad three quarters then in the fourth quarter you go for forty-five points to win the game. So hopefully we step it up and get the MVP.
Well, only one person wins the MVP award on a team. How embarrassing would it be if Big Easy lost that award to Flight Time? He only needed to beat -one guy- to win MVP.
– They find an electric taxi.
FLIGHT TIME: Where can we go for one dollar?
His normal answer would be “you can go f–k yourselves; who do you think I am?” in this situation, but with the camera on him he has no choice but to play along.
DRIVER: You can go. . .
DRIVER: . . .To there.
Hey, it’s further than Kent & Vyxsin will ever get in a taxi this morning.
– Oh, do you love the Globetrotters’ horrible rhymes that they have created over the past couple of episodes? Well, just because you love it so much, they do it again.
BIG EASY: All we got is a dollar!
FLIGHT TIME: For the helicopter!
BIG EASY: And I’m gonna holler!
FLIGHT TIME: Cause you too big to get on that helicopter!
BIG EASY: With only one dollar!
Wow. Freestyling is not their thing.
They really are much better off being ballers and shot callers. I think Lil Troy is offended by the Globetrotters’ rap song.
– If you thought Kent would let go of the electric taxi ditching him, you are wrong.
KENT: We ran all the way down the hill and there are no taxi. How did they get that?
VYXSIN: I don’t know, Kent. Can you calm down?
KENT: . . .
KENT: No, I’m really offended.
KENT: I am going to beat somebody up today.
This is coming from a guy who needed to be pushed in a wheelbarrow for the entire Detour last round. For some reason, I doubt anybody is shaking in their boots.
Even Carissa Gaghan could probably kick Kent’s ass right now.
VYXSIN: It’s a little bit disconcerting for me being in a relationship with someone who is overreactionary and hyper sensitive.
Hyper sensitive? Oh, please. When Kent said he was offended, he only -threatened- to sue the taxi drivers for discrimination against glitter wearers.
VYXSIN: Let’s try to stay a little more positive, please.
KENT: I am staying positive because punching somebody would be very positive right now.
That’s right. Kent can turn around and attempt to punch the guy standing underneath the arrow. Of course, the guy will probably block his punch and proceed to knee him in the groin, but, you know, positive.
Violence is making Vyxsin sad? I think she spent too much time listening to Gandhi during the two India legs this season.
KENT: It’s not making me sad; it’s getting you fired up.
Pumped up. You did a great job, Kent.
– Kent decides to stand in the middle of the road to guarantee a cab picks him up.
Is the driver going to run over Kent or veer off the cliff just to avoid him?
I guess blocking the road doesn’t quite work when the DRIVER CAN SIMPLY TURN LEFT TO MOVE AROUND YOU.
– Kent & Vyxsin get into a cab.
KENT: I can stop hating everything now. . .I am happy now.
Vyxsin is not sure how to react.
– Gary & Mallory arrive at the heliport.
Look how happy that woman is on the phone. She’s probably dirty talking with her boyfriend.
– Gary & Mallory sign up in the #3 slot.
MALLORY: Champions. Three. Lucky number.
If Gary writes GARY ERVIN across the #3 slot, I will be amused.
– Flight Time declares that if they make it to the last leg then they will give Phil their dollar.
FLIGHT TIME: Remember this dollar you gave us, Phil?
FLIGHT TIME: Well, we’ve got a million.
FLIGHT TIME: We don’t need this one no more.
I hope Flight Time still has that dollar.
– All five teams have signed up for the helicopter ride. Zev & Justin are nervous as neither have been in a helicopter.
Or in the bulkiest red winter jackets known to man.
JEN: It’s going to be the best experience that you’ll never get to have again.
I think that’s what they say about losing your virginity as opposed to helicopter rides, Jen.
KISHA: I think I’ll be okay with that.
Eh, Jen tried.
– Mallory notes they must be going somewhere dangerous because they have a lot of safety gear on.
And a toque custom-fitted for Gary’s chin.
– Big Easy is stoked that they will only be twenty minutes behind the team currently in first place. Speaking of which, Zev has a theory about how things will go for Kent & Vyxsin.
That’s a burn.
– Zev & Justin open their clue. It’s a Detour. Search or Rescue?
Those are some cool glasses, by the way.
– Phil mentions that the alpine glaciers surrounding the Matterhorn are extremely dangerous. The unpredictable crevasse are always cracking and avalanches can occur at any moment (Irish bagpipes play in the background as Phil explains this).
PHIL: Teams have to choose between two ways of bringing a stranded mountaineer to safety.
Do they have to rescue Phil?
– In Search, teams brave extreme wind conditions and use an avalanche beacon to locate a training dummy that’s been buried somewhere on this glacier.
My nose is frozen; my toes are frozen; my tail is frozen.
An avalanche beacon?
Oswald & Danny’s eternal enemy.
He is trying really hard to spear the snow. I bet he is pretending it is a trident.
– Once they’ve located the dummy, they must dig him up to receive their next clue. The dummy is someone I recognize.
You don’t recognize him? Why, he was a one-time producer for TAR during TAR 14. The dummy was fired after the season aired. He was the biggest dummy the production team could find for this task.
– In Rescue, teams use a unique device specifically designed for crevasse to rescue a mountaineer.
He has been stuck there for 127 hours. One away from tying the record!
– One team member must repel down and clip the mountaineer into the rescue line. Then the other team member will use a pulley system to bring their partner back to the surface where they will work together to complete the rescue.
“Hey, is that Jeremy & Sandy down there? That’s where they were hiding during all of TAR 19!”
I love how the expert mountaineer has to repeatedly flail his legs just to get himself back on the surface.
– Zev & Justin enter the helicopter.
Zev is not a fan.
– Zev thinks Search will be easier. Therefore, they choose Search.
Justin is not a fan of the helicopter ride either at first.
Not even the teams from TAR 28 got to ride in a helicopter during their Alps round.
Justin points out the almighty Matterhorn.
At one end of the spectrum, Zev couldn’t be more impressed by the size of the Matterhorn.
While Zev evaluated a certain anatomy to be at the other end of the spectrum.
ZEV: The Matterhorn. It was named after the Disneyland ride. Pretty mind-boggling.
Geez, Zev. Wipe that smirk off your face because that’s a lie.
We all know it was named after A Scent of the Matterhorn–a Pepe Le Pew sketch from the Looney Tunes. C’mon, Zev.
– Kisha & Jen open their clue five minutes later. Jen opts for Rescue because Search may be as tedious as writing this blog post.
Eh, just playin’.
“Let’s go get em!”
Kisha is still not sold on the helicopter ride yet.
Jen may think this is awesome now, but just wait until the final level when hidden turrets start firing at you.
How is Kisha afraid of flying? This is her 21st round of competing on The Amazing Race. You think she would be used to it by now.
The airplanes you ride in on a daily basis are about ten thousand feet higher than that helicopter you are riding. Seriously.
– Zev & Justin prepare to land.
Inception was already out by TAR 18? Huh. Good topical reference for its time, Zev.
If only Zev remembered to pack a totem, he could determine whether this Matterhorn is real.
Could Unfinished Business be some elaborate plot to create a false reality for haunted reality TV contestants to seek redemption? Whose imagination is it that they are exploring? Bertram’s? Phil’s? Definitely not some rancher from Oklahoma, that’s for sure.
Nah, with five teams from TAR 14 in this cast, we know this is the subconscious mind of Jodi at work here.
ZEV: It looks like we’re coming in for a landing. That guy is nuts!
Unlike TAR 28’s round in the Alps, there are no ropes to be found here to create a super linear and ultra boring round of play here.
They actually have the freedom to move about.
– Zev follows Justin’s lead.
Just think all of that snow will be gone in about ten years due to global warming.
– Zev & Justin are trying to figure out their beacon.
Using that shovel to build a Snow Castle is a lot more fun than obsessing over a beacon, I would imagine.
More scenery shots from production.
– The beacon starts beeping rapidly, and Zev & Justin find their place to dig.
TAR 29 pitch: Use this task as a way for teams to dig up a Fast Forward or some other advantage in the game. However, ensure that this digging frenzy takes place far enough away from the Detour/Roadblock location to make sure it is a risky decision to go for it.
– Mallory defers to Gary’s expertise for picking the Detour option. He opts for Rescue.
– Kisha & Jen’s chopper lands.
Not before Jen utters one of the most overused and annoying phrases in American TV history. Well, it’s not “I’m not here to make friends”, but close.
– Jen is going to go inside for the rescue since Kisha is afraid of heights.
And, well, just afraid of this whole task in general.
I know TAR’s helmet cams have a tendency to have extreme close-ups, but this might be a record.
– Jen says at first there was snow on the descent, but then it turns into pure ice.
Jen is hesitant to remove both hands from the wall of ice.
JEN: I think he’s right here. Poor guy.
Ten points to production if the man starts screaming in hysterics, has a bloody arm, and repeatedly shouts “GET ME THE F–K OUT OF HERE! AH! AH!”
KISHA: Is he cute?
JEN: Oh, you poor thing.
KISHA: (Says something I can’t quite pick up on the audio.)
(KISHA laughs again.)
KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 11
KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 12
However, the back pain Kisha will suffer from is no laughing matter.
– Kent & Vyxsin enter their helicopter. They choose Rescue.
VYXSIN: It’s going to be our first helicopter ride ever.
And the last one for Kent.
– Kent states the most overused cliche in TAR history.
We should have known this quote was coming. This is not only a leg in the Alps, but also a heights related task. Editors love using this quote whenever it’s uttered.
And I think Kent just realized what he has done.
– Flight Time & Big Easy have chosen Rescue in last place.
Considering Flight Time made unnecessary Ahnold references two episodes ago, I for one am stunned he did not take this helicopter ride as a chance to shout “GET TO THE CHOPPA! GET DOWN!”
– Oh, and remember how tall Big Easy is?
I can’t imagine Big Easy on a flight with Allegiant Air. You know which fellow basketball player wouldn’t have any issues with leg room, though?
Skee-Lo. However, he couldn’t be a shot caller like Flight Time and Big Easy. You have to choose one or the other, Skilo.
Twenty years later and Flight Time still finds all of Big Easy’s height jokes to be hilarious. A perfect pair.
– Zev confirms with Justin that it is the correct spot to dig. Justin says it is, and repeatedly instructs Zev to use both hands.
JUSTIN: You’ve got to use two hands. You’ve got to dig deep. This is the hard part. Zev, you gotta dig in and move stuff.
Justin is in full on Probst mode. Look at this.
You’ve gotta dig, Zevvy!
– Gary & Mallory’s chopper prepares for landing.
I think this is the first time in eighteen rounds of TAR that I have not seen Mallory’s mouth open.
What is the best way to troll Zev & Justin as they dig?
Trigger an impromptu snow storm. Good luck, Zev & Justin!
The robots are coming.
– Nah, it’s just Gary & Mallory. Hearing Gary coach Mallory through the snowstorm as they track the beeping is like something out of an action film.
GARY (through muffled hood): I’VE GOT A SIGNAL! FOLLOW ME! 29!
That wind must be brutal.
I don’t know.
ZEV: Are you kidding me?
Nothing is a joke when Mother Nature opts to be one forceful biatch.
Wow. Only twelve minutes into this episode and it has already crushed TAR 28’s leg in the Alps by a mile.
– Gary & Mallory communicate some more in their muffled shouting. It is hilarious.
The equipment required to pick up audio during a windy snowstorm in the middle of nowhere as two people have their mouths covered must be a big challenge.
– Kent & Vyxsin are descending as Kent makes a fitting remark.
Oddly enough. . .
Those are the exact same words Kentuckians use when they encounter Kent & Vyxsin on the street.
HB-ZCC. Could that be used in the final memory challenge for TAR 41?
KENT: I’ve never been in this cold or snow in my entire life. My hands feel like I’m going to freeze off.
At least Kent is not taking this to the next dramatic step.
Nevermind. Is that an actual job? A guy who rubs your hands on command when you are not acclimated to the cold weather in the Alps?
KENT (to VYXSIN): Can you help me with my gloves? I’m really struggling.
I don’t know. Vyxsin may not be qualified in hand warming.
– Jen is preparing to rescue their visually challenged man. She tells us how this task required communication in order to get herself to be wheeled down, clip in, and be wheeled back up.
– Vyxsin is doing the wheeling as Kent goes down.
How is she able to stand upright but not Kisha?
KENT: Down! Down! Down, Vyxsin!
Kent has missed his calling as Charlie the Truck Driver from Survivor: Africa.
KENT: Hi, I’m coming to save you.
Kent is annoyed because production banned him from doing a capella version of Evanescence’s Bring Me Back To Life while bringing the guy back up.
KENT: Just think you’re stuck down in a crevasse, and lo and behold Kent & Vyxsin show up on the scene coming down to get you.
VYXSIN: I’ll just wait for the next rescue team, thank you very much.
“And rescue me from Kent while you’re at it.”
It should be noted that Brandon & Nicole would have chosen the Search option in this Detour. I hear Brandon is nervous about being near crevasses. Man, I can’t believe I remember that confessional. Out of the 82 teams to cross the finish line in TAR US, you probably weren’t expecting a Brandon reference to appear in this post.
– Big Easy says he is cold and has never been on top of a glacier. This leads to him talking about his humble beginnings.
I’ll assume that’s Big Easy spinning the wheel.
I guess hoisting up Flight Time is the easier challenge.
– Kent demands Vyxsin for him to be lowered down some more.
KENT: Down, Vyxsin. Down more. Vyxsin, I need more rope. Yeah. Keep it going. Down more. Down a little more. A little more. I’m almost to the guy. Keep going Alright, stop. Stop. Okay, stop. Stop, Vyxsin. Stop! STOP! Pull me out. Pull me back up. You’re going too far. STOP!!!!
At this rate, Kent is going to be the one that will have to be rescued.
There are two possibilities.
a) Vyxsin hears Kent, but is intentionally trying to trap him in the crevasse forever.
b) Vyxsin has a hyper level of focus on spinning the wheel.
– Commercial break. We resume.
Vyxsin figures it out.
“Or did he mean ‘drop him to the very bottom?’”
– Kent clips the guy in, and Vyxsin starts pulling them up.
Thumbs up for a job well done.
– Zev & Justin keep digging.
ZEV: We’re going to save the body but it might already be dead.
– Zev sees something and begins to dig.
Oh, uh, nevermind then.
– Gary digs some more snow out.
Mallory does not appreciate that.
Look at how exhausted Gary is, and that guy is in very good shape. I am amazed producers thought Mel White could even attempt that this task if he made it this far into the season.
– Gary finds a head.
– Jen yells at Kisha to pull herself up faster.
JEN: I ain’t heavy.
KISHA: She looks light, but she’s kinda heavy.
JEN: I am 124 pounds.
KISHA: I don’t know. I think her head takes up a lot more.
“Even O.J. Simpson has a smaller head than you.”
– Kisha finishes pulling up Jen.
Whatever you do Jen, don’t roll to the left.
– Kent commands Vyxsin to pull him up faster.
He looks so helpless.
KENT: Keep crankin’, baby.
. . . .
– Flight Time clips his guy, and Big Easy starts raising him.
FLIGHT TIME: Sing to me, Big Easy.
(FLIGHT TIME starts singing nonsense.)
– Justin keeps directing Zev to stop taking breaks, then tells him to dig from outside the hole.
Only one man can fit in this hole.
– Meanwhile, Gary & Mallory are close to digging up the dummy.
GARY: Watch out Mall, you keep hitting me in the face.
“You mean like this, Dad?”
So that’s what payback looks like.
– Hearing Gary grunt as he tries to push out the TAR 14 producer is quite hilarious.
It will take three years of rehab before the dummy is ready to come back to work and plan TAR 24.
So this is how Gary survived when rations were low when his crew hiked Mount Everest last year. This could be the basis for an action film. Strangle that motherf–ker, Gary!
What does Gary do to someone who has no arms and no legs?
Throws him with no mercy.
GARY: There he is!
The Matterhorn has turned Gary into a beast!
GARY: It was tough when the mannequin came apart, and his legs were still buried.
Gary is beasting this challenge so hard that he ripped somebody’s legs off. Wow.
Nothing like father-daughter bonding time over trying to find legs that you ripped off from an innocent human being.
– Kisha & Jen rescue the person from the depths of the crevasse.
I love how he has to pretend to be lifeless. Playing dead is just too much fun.
– Kisha & Jen read that they must take a chopper to a ski resort. From this unnamed ski resort, they’ll take a train back to Zermatt. Then they shall find Le Petit Cervin.
Oddly enough, Le Petit Cervin is what the French refer to Dobby and the other house elves from Harry Potter.
– Le Petit Cervin is where they shall find their next clue.
JEN: Had I known he had our clue, I would’ve just got the clue and left his ass down there.
Jen puts her hand on her heart and swears she is telling the truth that she would leave somebody to freeze to death in the Matterhorn. You know, just in case we thought she would be a bad enough person to lie about it.
– How does Kisha feel about another helicopter ride?
KISHA: Put your seatbelt on, Jen!
Eh, she’s still a little uncomfortable about it.
KENT: I see him!
The audio is not quite matching what we see on screen. Kent needs to turn around.
VYXSIN: Kent, go get the man!
KENT: I can’t, Vyxsin.
The frustation on Vyxsin’s face is real.
Kent & Vyxsin are quickly mimicking the conversations which Lindsey and Tobias Funke would have.
Go get your man, Tobias! Geez.
VYXSIN: Hold this, you can’t let it go.
Crank dat, Soulja Boy.
“Work that crank hard, Kent! It’s the only way to get your man up!”
KENT: Grab his hand, Vyx!
He has no interest in her hand.
Why does Vyxsin always get mixed up in the most inappropriate screencaps this season? Sigh.
That’s one way to give a team the next clue.
Those words needed to be said about ten seconds earlier.
Kent seems a bit uncoordinated right now.
– And now for the most romantic moment between Kent & Vyxsin yet.
KENT: I can’t!
“I have itched my nose too many times, and now it hurts to wipe it, Vyxsiiiin!”
– Big Easy said it was easier to pull up 200 pounds than for Flight Time to pull up 275 pounds. Who knew their weight could become a trivia question?
Flight Time looks helpless. He is down to 195 since the race started, Big Easy! You have no excuse for taking so long.
– Zev & Justin’s dummy is stuck. Justin can see the elbow, though. Zev attempts to help in this scramble.
JUSTIN: It’s not doing anything.
What are you talking about, Justin?
Zev is trying to recreate that scene from American Beauty but instead on the Swiss Alps.
– We cut to Gary grunting some more as he tries to snag the arms from the dummy. Caleb may be Beast Mode Cowboy, but Gary is easily Beast Mode Daddy.
“I’M A MONSTER!!!!!!!”
GARY: The air was so thin I couldn’t really breathe.
This needs to become a GIF. Yank it, Gary!
What the hell is Mallory doing? She’s staring at the camera as much as a Frankie Grande.
Is she about to start break dancing or what?
– Mallory says Gary may be the oldest racer but it isn’t holding him back.
Isn’t Gary just in his early 50s?
Wait until Gary runs the race when he is seventy. At that time, being the oldest definitely will hold him back.
“It’s alright, Mall. I’ve got this bastard’s arms.”
The thin air has made racers so delusional that Zev thinks he is a dog.
– Globetrotters finish the Detour in 3rd.
Big Easy thanks the rescued participant for not trying to go down on him like he did with Vyxsin.
JUSTIN: Zev, what’s going on? What are you focused on?
ZEV: I’m digging. That’s what I’m focused on.
JUSTIN: Hold on. You’re knocking stuff in here.
“Wait, I am?”
Now it’s a Roadblock.
This may or may not be the moment when they realize this was the wrong Detour choice to make.
– Much like Zev, Mallory is trying to help but may only be making things worse.
Almost done. . .
. . .But first, another facewash.
GARY: Watch out, Mal! Get out of the way!
Mallory’s arms will be as severed as the dummy’s if she does not follow Gary’s orders.
– Zev & Justin continue to bicker.
JUSTIN: You’re not doing anything, dude. No, no–
ZEV: I can’t get in there, man.
JUSTIN: Just poke down there.
This task is a lot of fun.
The full moon is almost upon us, Gary.
– Justin asks for his help with poking. Gary meanwhile sounds like a beast once more as he flings up the legs.
GARY & MALLORY: He’s alive!
Is he wearing an invisibility cloak like the one from Harry Potter from the waist up?
GARY: I think he’s going to make it!
Considering that’s how Anakin Skywalker looked after fighting Obi-Wan Kanobi, I guess the dummy being able to recover isn’t completely out of the question.
Gary confirms they are not last.
JUSTIN: Are we the last ones here? Could they really have breezed through that?
No breeze here.
Now -that- is a breeze.
– Kisha & Jen land at the ski resort first.
Dammit, they didn’t have to ski down the hill like in TAR Asia 4.
– Kent & Vyxsin’s chopper lands in second place.
Vyxsin tells Kent to just breathe. She wants to bring down his stress levels.
KENT (panicky): We’ve got to find the traaaain.
VYXSIN: Why is your nose in your glove?
Sadly, we never get the answer to this question.
– Kisha says the altitude is killing her chest. What’s with high altitude this season? She wants beaches and palm trees.
– Somehow, Gary & Mallory are third to land at the ski resort.
Four choppers landing in a matter of minutes must piss off the skiers at the resort. Unless they love having their visibility reduced repeatedly. Watch out for those trees!
I would love it if Gary accidentally lost his balance and gets clobbered by one of those skiers. Don’t fall to the left, Gary!
– Globetrotters are fourth to the train station.
“And then I said to Bertram ‘you want me to take a dive and get paired up with Mark or Bopper to not make it to thirty legs total? Not if I want my reputation to stay intact!'”
“I feel bad for the sucker who ends up going through that!”
Too soon, guys.
– Gary & Mallory tell the Globetrotters how bad the other side of the Detour was, and how Zev & Justin are still there. Mallory doesn’t think they will make it.
Sorry Big Easy, but you may have to let go of your closest allies.
– Justin repeatedly instructs Zev to stop digging.
– The train departs with the other four teams. Gary informs us it gives them a twenty-five minute lead on Zev & Justin.
Just like last round, nothing feels better than knowing one team is all alone in dead last.
Even if this is the reason why.
– Justin says the dummy is stuck and doesn’t know what to do.
JUSTIN: We’re going to be here forever.
Now that is a Swiss beard if I have ever seen one.
– Commercial break. We resume.
– We can hear the blizzard weather on the audio. Editors are really having fun with this cinematic theme. Justin’s grunting is not quite as manly as Gary’s. It is like years of listening to Link fall from The Legend of Zelda is finally paying off.
– Justin explains they dug straight down and then under which prevented them from making any progress then realized they had to dig outwards.
Justin ducks and covers.
– Justin breaks the dummy’s legs.
JUSTIN: Is that a good rescue?
“I hear Peter & Sarah could make good use of these!”
Always too soon, guys.
– All four teams find the clue box. Kent & Vyxsin grab it first.
Well, I guess a Dream Teamer didn’t hold that clue.
As for who wants to make a new friend?
Probably this guy.
PHIL: Every year, Switzerland exports more than 250 metric tonnes of chocolate to the world.
Two metric tonnes of which are exported to Debra & Steve’s house.
And another tonne to Kami & Karli.
Now Mr. Gnome, don’t you eat that chocolate. Phil is watching you.
PHIL: In this Roadblock, teams must create a Travelocity gnome made ENTIRELY out of chocolate.
This would have been the perfect opportunity for Phil to take a chomp out of the Travelocity gnome.
Dave Chappelle would have done that if the ending to the Samuel L. Jackson beer sketch is any indication.
Samuel L. Jackson’s Chocolate! IT’LL GET YOU WIRED!
Man, that vomit-coloured ingredient is tasty.
PHIL: Adhering to exacting Swiss methods, which include snow as a cooling agent, team members must gain the approval of the Head Chocolateur.
I love how distinguished the Head Chocolateur is in her uniform. The red ones must be the Assistant Chocolateurs, and the rest are peons.
In other words, there are tiers within the chocolateurs.
Also, look at how many women there are in this kitchen. It’s like a 1950s TAR Switchback.
The woman on the left is very iffy about this creation.
PHIL: If their creation is correct, they can exchange their chocolate figure for their next clue.
What was once a deformed elf. . .
. . .Has turned into this lovable creature we all care for today.
“Your next clue? Oh where could it be?”
“Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.”
“How do you like them toblerones?”
– Vyxsin, Flight Time, Mallory, and Jen are doing the Roadblock. Vyxsin is slightly worked up.
GARY: That’s you. That’s you. This is you.
Gary probably would have eaten the chocolate.
– The cheering has already commenced.
I guess cheering at the start of, well, a freakin’ baking task is to be expected when you have two athletic basketball players and a marathon runner watching from the sidelines. Anything can be a sport to them.
The sleeves are a bit long for Vyxsin.
WOMAN (extremely snippy to VYXSIN): You’re going to be making -that- gnome.
You mean not some random gnome from like Lord of the Rings or Willow? Why does she have to be so picky?
MALLORY: I want to eat that gnome.
Father and daughter aren’t so different after all.
If Gary can break off arms, I am sure he can break some glass to get to the chocolate.
Those on the sideline can eat the chocolate? Hyper Kent may be a fun character.
Unless Kisha takes it from you, of course.
KISHA: I’m not a big chocolate eater, but this chocolate is pretty good. Jen works and I eat. *half Kisha laugh*
It may backfire if Kisha needs a bathroom break from eating all of that chocolate right before the pit stop.
GARY: This is a lot better than being on a glacier.
This is coming from a man who just voluntarily hiked Mt. Everest in 2016. I am hesitant to believe Gary.
– We cut back to Zev & Justin on the Matterhorn.
I think the Alps have found a new mythical creature: The Kansquatch. This is the part in the movie where the hero passes out in the snow.
More grunting from Justin. They are trying to get the head.
“We did it! We saved a human life!”
“Go long, Amani & Marcus!”
The dummy did not die from being trapped underneath the snow in the Matterhorn, but rather from the blunt force trauma when his head cracked on the ice thanks to Justin.
NOTE: Never let Justin be a baggage handler at an airport.
What is Justin’s first statement after he touches the head?
Oh, the immaturity within me is giggling. Who knew the head would be hard?
– Zev & Justin are last to finish the Detour. The chopper takes a sudden dive.
Which neither of them were prepared for in the slightest.
– James Bond 007 Goldeneye snow level music plays as Zev & Justin wait at the train station.
JUSTIN: I’m not sure what we could have done differently, but I gotta think at least one of those teams were switching Detours. . .or maybe we’re dead last.
Seeing how you guys were first to the Detour, and the only team that could have potentially switched were Gary & Mallory who also happened to finish ahead of you, then, yeah, -maybe- you are dead last.
– The Head Chocolateur observes Flight Time.
WOMAN: It’s improving a lot.
FLIGHT TIME (uncomfortably): Thank you. very much.
Why is Flight Time uncomfortable?
Oh. The guy on the right may be a little too close for comfort.
– Vyxsin asks to paint over her existing work. Kent tells her not to get caught up on minutia.
VYXSIN: I was trying to be really careful, which is not how I usually am.
In an unaired clip, Vyxsin accidentally slaps Kent in the head during this confessional.
VYXSIN: But I just really wanted to get it right. Strategically, the smart thing to do was to work on half of your candy mould and put the other half in the freezer then swap back and forth. Then that would dry your chocolate. You had to work in layers.
Onions have layers; chocolate has layers.
KENT: Vyx, some are putting one half in the oven.
VYXSIN: Freezer, maybe.
Awe. Vyxsin is trying not to insult Kent’s intelligence.
“Well. . .maybe the chocolate gets heat up to such a hot temperature that it develops a burnt and dry feel.”
I love how Vyxsin provides the visual aid.
– Mallory and Flight Time go back and forth between the oven.
KENT: I’ve noticed they’re running halves to the oven and we haven’t yet–
VYXSIN: It’s not the oven, Kent. It’s the freezer.
Oh, woops. Oven. My apologies. Er. I mean freezer.
– You won’t guess who has a confessional insulting Kent.
“Can we shush while I work, please?”
“You mean lean in closer and coach some more?”
MALLORY: Kent just keeps. . .it’s like a broken record. Keeps on and on and on.
KENT: Vyx, don’t get caught up on stuff. Just get it done.
MALLORY: I couldn’t take that.
“This is why we raced five seasons apart.”
KENT: I noticed some people are putting halves in the oven.
VYXSIN: Kent, please. Honey, let me think. You’re driving me nuts.
– Zev & Justin are last to the Roadblock. They mention Justin had done five Roadblocks and Zev was only at three. Zev gets the nod by default. Justin is glad since this task is really more of a Zev thing.
Justin has cleaned up well since the Detour.
That’s a health code violation.
ZEV: Just painting with food. I can handle painting.
And he gets to wear his toque in the kitchen. Is that another health code violation?
– More painting. Jen dries her chocolate.
KENT: This part is broad so try to be quick. Keep it fast, Vyx. Fast, fast, honey. Show your teacher.
– Vyxsin said she had her moulds on the desk way later than everyone else (except Zev). She throws a mould onto the bottom.
So why do we need to know that? Uh oh.
– The chocolateurs are coaching everyone as Flight Time throws a half into the freezer, and tries to obtain the other half.
FLIGHT TIME: Somebody got mine.
*Cue sinister music.*
Jen attempts to solve the problem.
FLIGHT TIME: Oh, this is mine on the bottom.
By his, he means Vyxsin’s.
He would have grabbed Christina’s, but tragically Ron & Christina are already out of the race.
Big Easy is not liking this.
“As long as he doesn’t grab mine, I’m outta here.”
– Flight Time decides Vyxsin’s is his.
Unfortunately, Vyxsin’s guardian chocolateur grabs it from him and deems that it belongs to Vyxsin.
FLIGHT TIME: Who got mine?
BIG EASY: Somebody got his bottom, dude.
Somebody has Flight Time’s bottom? Are you kidding me?
Well, judging on previous experiences. . .
This guy has Flight Time’s bottom.
BIG EASY: Are you serious? That’s going to happen up in here?
Up in here?
Up in here?
The edit is going to make Kent look like a fool.
– Everyone is being checked if they have the right one.
KISHA: Mallory, you have the right one?
MALLORY: Yes, absolutely.
“See? I drew whiskers on him, and gave him a purple coat. I call him Professor Gnomeykins.”
– You can hear producers talking in the background, but unfortunately no words are clear.
FLIGHT TIME: Somebody got my bottom.
“I’m not mad, I am just surprised somebody would just grab my bottom.”
VYXSIN: I don’t have your bottom. Can you please put mine back in the freezer?
“I swear Flight Time accuses me of this whenever I stand right behind him.”
She’ll grab your bottom anytime, Flight Time.
FLIGHT TIME: Calm down, sister.
“This is my bottom we’re talking about, Vyxsin. This is serious business!”
Eh, I’d like to think Vyxsin has a little more self-respect than that.
BIG EASY: She didn’t even do a bottom up. How does she have a bottom finished like that already?
“Can we all please stop talking about my bottom?”
BIG EASY: She didn’t do two bottoms that fast. If Flight Time has hers, then that means she has his, right?
BIG EASY: She didn’t do two bottoms!
I really don’t want to be the one to explain the concept of a strap-on to Big Easy.
ZEV (high-pitched voice): I think there’s too many cooks in the kiiiitchen.
This is perfect for Zev. Everyone has to feud who has whose bottom while Zev works in peace because it is impossible for him to be a culprit.
Now that is how you make up a thirty minute deficit.
Flight Time walks back to the freezer to point out where his was. This cannot be going smoothly behind the scenes.
BIG EASY: Stop touching other people’s stuff! That’s all they have to do.
Kisha senses this escalating.
FLIGHT TIME: So I’ve got to do a bottom over again?
BIG EASY: No way!
BIG EASY: So he’s got to do another one over–
BIG EASY: –Just because somebody else took his?
BIG EASY: That’s not right!
Huh. This fight took place at 4:45pm local time. It is one of those rare occasions we get to see proof of the exact time on The Amazing Race.
FLIGHT TIME: I’ll just–I know that’s not mine but I’ll work with it.
Spoiler: It was his all along. Considering Flight Time initially thought Vyxsin’s was his, I don’t trust his judgment.
– Kisha determines Vyxsin has Flight Time’s bottom.
Which does not make Big Easy happy.
BIG EASY: C’mon now. You know Good Little Vyxsin do no two bottoms. She took it! I’m going to say it.
Man, this is the angriest I have seen Big Easy.
KENT: You’re throwing down blame.
BIG EASY: I’m telling the truth. I ain’t blaming. I’m telling what happened.
I have to give kudos to Kent. Considering Kent’s condition, standing up to an angry Big Easy takes a lot of courage.
KENT: Yeah you are, Big. You’re blaming.
BIG EASY: I’m telling what happened. That’s what happened. That’s it. I don’t care.
Kisha is clutching her throat to prevent one of her trademark laughs to come out.
She learned her lesson from last time in a similar situation.
VYXSIN: Look, I’ve only put one in the fridge (CORRECTION: Freezer), I didn’t start putting mine in the freezer until just now.
Who knew things would get so heated for a round that is taking place in the Swiss Alps.
FLIGHT TIME: I’m sure she didn’t do it on purpose. I’m not blaming nobody.
That’s the most passive-aggressive way to blame it on somebody.
“I don’t think anyone was responsible, but I do think it was Vyxsin unintentionally with absolute certainty.”
KISHA: Awwwww, that’s so sweet, Flight Time. *cue Kisha laugh*.
KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 13
– Everyone is on Flight Time’s side.
MALLORY: If she took it, can’t you take it back?
Have you seen Vyxsin’s chocolateur, Mallory? Or rather, any of the chocolateurs? She won’t let that happen.
BIG EASY: That’s it.
KENT: That’s not what happened.
BIG EASY: I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk.
For a race that was extremely friendly and peaceful for the first eight rounds, the anger and blame game has definitely skyrocketed over these past two rounds. I blame it on the altitude.
– Vyxsin breaks down in a confessional that is recorded moments later in the snow.
VYXSIN: I’m sorry. Like, grow up. Grow up. This has not been a dirty competition. I just feel like ganged up on. I try so hard to be a nice person, and I really don’t appreciate being treated like that and have people yelling around me like that. I’m hurt and I am kinda pissed.
“And if Kent says he can’t wipe his nose one more time. . .”
“. . .I am going to punch him in the face.”
BIG EASY: Karma gonna come back, baby.
– Commercial break.
For all of the points Big Easy earned for eliminating Jet & Cord, I think nearly all of those points have been taken away during the course of this tantrum.
So, let’s talk about this fight.
Why did -everyone- think Vyxsin grab Flight Time’s bottom, and why did Big Easy lead the charge to publicly attack her like that?
I think the answer is relatively simple. For the past ten rounds, the only team repeatedly caught deceiving the others has been Kent & Vyxsin. Whether it be their U-Turn tactics against Jaime & Cara, lying about their penalty in Japan to all of the teams, or ditching Gary at a Roadblock, nobody trusts Kent & Vyxsin’s word anymore.
Especially the Japan penalty. Racers were angry that Kent & Vyxsin’s penalty was only a lousy thirty minutes, and from what I read in exit interviews, this was a topic nearly everyone was compelled to bring up.
I imagine Vyxsin’s bottom being protected by producers/chocolateurs was like relieving the whole Japan penalty incident all over again.
Keep in mind the relationships that currently exist in the race.
Zev & Justin and Flight Time & Big Easy are extremely close.
Kisha & Jen and Zev & Justin are extremely close.
Kisha & Jen and Flight Time & Big Easy are close.
Gary & Mallory and Flight Time & Big Easy are close.
Gary & Mallory and Zev & Justin are extremely close.
Gary & Mallory and Kisha & Jen are close.
Gary & Mallory do not like Kent & Vyxsin since Kent’s betrayal.
Zev & Justin were visibly annoyed with Kent & Vyxsin’s lack of being penalized during the China leg, and had nothing to do with them since then.
Kisha & Jen have never worked with Kent & Vyxsin.
Flight Time & Big Easy seem to blame Kent & Vyxsin for the whole U-Turn fiasco moreso than they blamed Jaime & Cara.
Lastly, I would think there is an undertone of teams feeling Kent & Vyxsin have been dragged to this point. The other four teams have either won at least one round or have had a very consistent performance all season long. Meanwhile, Kent & Vyxsin have pretty much been a disaster up until the past couple of rounds.
Oh, and it doesn’t help that even Mallory was tired of hearing Kent’s coaching in this task.
I think this incident would not have been a big deal at the beginning of the race, but because teams have grown tired of Kent & Vyxsin after ten rounds of play, they finally blew up.
Okay, Big Easy primarily blew up. No one else really did.
This is likely why everyone instantly ganged up on Vyxsin and burned her at the stake for grabbing Flight Time’s bottom. Tee hee.
– We resume. There is a brief replay of what happened. The chocolateur insists nobody is freaking out at Vyxsin.
Eh, that’s not entirely true.
– The unique TAR soundtrack continues to play. Everyone keeps working.
Gary hasn’t slept in weeks.
– The chocolateur compliments Vyxsin’s design.
Hmmm. We have a new cake boss in the making.
– Kisha cheers on Jen.
KISHA: Good job, Jen. She’s focused.
KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 14
– Big Easy proceeds to mock Kisha’s laugh.
BIG EASY: Hehehehehehehheh.
Oh thank god. I thought it was just me who picked up on Kisha’s laugh.
BIG EASY: Are you trying to hold your laugh in?
Kent is not amused by this conversation.
BIG EASY: Laugh.
Everyone is finding this funny except Kent.
KISHA: Tell him to leave me alone.
BIG EASY: Heheheheheheheheh.
Kisha instantly does a part of her laugh after Big Easy mimics it.
Big Easy loses it.
– Flight Time clips his gnome.
BIG EASY: From worst to first, baby!
That gnome is in pain.
CHOCOLATEUR: I vill it with chocolate, and vyou have to votate it so the chocolate goes all over inside.
Vill it with zee chocolate.
BIG EASY: Rotate it; shake it.
Oh no. It’s happening again.
– A weird unique dance hall TAR soundtrack plays as Flight Time rotates it.
Flight Time will find any excuse to sing or dance.
FLIGHT TIME: Stir it like coffee.
FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY: Stir it like coffee.
BIG EASY: Stir it like coff-eh!
I can’t believe I am saying this, but I liked them better when they yelled at Vyxsin.
CHOCOLATEUR: Now you go with the body all directions.
Who is that trying to sneak into the frame?
BIG EASY: Work it! Use your hips! Use your hips, Flight Time! Uhhh! Yeah!
“Do as she says! Rotate that chocolate in all directions!”
“If anyone screws with me at a Roadblock again, they can suck my gnome.”
Flight Time is really enjoying this dance.
CHOCOLATEUR: No! Not you! Not your body! This body!
“Oops. Sorry, ma’am. I got carried away.”
I am glad the chocolateur stopped him before he started twerking it with the gnome.
BIG EASY: Uhhh! Shake the gnome! Not your body! That’s the Real Deal Travelocity Gnome right there!
JEN: SHUT UP!
BIG EASY: WHAT?! I thought you liked me, Jen?!
JEN: I do! I like you better when you’re shuttin’ up!
Big Easy is so much happier when he isn’t shouting at Vyxsin.
KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 15
Alas, the Harlem Shake is over.
– The chocolateur sends Flight Time back out into the snow. How long do they have to wait in the snow?
Well, that officially makes it longer than any of the Roadblocks from TAR 28.
– We see a montage of teams finishing up their gnomes. Mallory has an amusing laugh of her own when she is congratulated on a good painting job.
If Zev & Justin have to rescue one of the gnomes from being buried in the snow, they’ll definitely be eliminated.
Mallory works hard to rotate her gnome.
– Everybody is outside watching chocolate paint dry. Big Easy is cheering on Flight Time, and this is the perfect time for Kent to roast the Globetrotters.
The best part about it? It’s the most Kent-esque roast you have ever seen. Take it away, Kent.
Not a fan of Big Easy.
Kent is on a path to be the next Chaplin.
KENT: The Globetrotters when they don’t get their own way, what do they do? They start yellin’. They start hoopin’.
Hoopin’ is understandable, Kent. I mean, they do play basketball.
KENT: They start ‘hollaaa’!
I think this might be the first time Kent has tried to say ‘holla’ in his life.
“When you see me on the street,
don’t holla at me,
don’t even pop a colla at me,
and if you’re a balla then don’t talk to me.”
– Kent transitions into his Big Easy impression.
KENT: And I think Big Easy was trying to be a big bully. I kicked your ass last leg, big man.
KENT: Third place.
KENT: Fifth place.
KENT: And we’re going to kick your ass again today.
I think Kent just gave the Globetrotters a verbal schenking.
KENT: I would love to see the Globetrotters go down.
We can only hope.
– Zev’s gnome is being filled with chocolate.
CHOCOLATEUR: Hold it, hold it.
ZEV: I’m holding it.
CHOCOLATEUR: It’s getting heavy.
CHOCOLATEUR: Because I am filling it with chocolate.
ZEV: Thanks, Captain Obvious.
JUSTIN: Zev, be nice.
“A subjective task is not the time to be making fun of the Head Chocolateur.”
Hopefully her English is not advanced enough to comprehend Zev’s insult.
– Flight Time digs up his gnome. Then Jen. Then Vyxsin. Then Mallory.
MALLORY: My gnome. I love my gnome.
Mallory is holding her gnome like a bouquet at a Miss America Pageant.
– All four teams are back inside.
Poor Zev. There’s only one more commercial break to potentially save him.
JUSTIN: I’m right here with you buddy, good work bud.
“Good job sitting on that pile of snow. You’re doing excellent work with freezing your ass! Keep it up! Even KevJumba only lasted ten minutes!”
– Everyone must now break apart the seal around the gnome.
“I’m watching you, Vyxsin.”
Gary is not as invested in this task as Mallory is.
KENT: That’s the prettiest gnome I have ever seen. That’s a pretty gnome for a pretty girl.
Now I have a question.
Who did Kent previously crown as the prettiest gnome? Who did the Travelocity Gnome topple in the standings?
He is almost ready for the pageant.
BIG EASY (higher tone to copy KENT): It’s pretty now, Flight. Almost there. It’s pretty, Flight.
Big Easy, you have been shunned.
– Vyxsin asks if she is finished the task.
Considering Vyxsin was third back inside, this is not going to sit well with Big Easy.
HEAD CHOCOLATEUR: ja.
Since none of the racers will applaud her, Vyxsin has to clap for herself.
Oh, and the one chocolateur who applauds and yells “Bravo!”
BIG EASY: Hey Flight Time, do me a favour and let’s go catch them two.
There is one problem:
Flight Time’s gnome is chafing.
– Kent reads they must make their way on foot to a 300 year old Swiss cabin. It was built under the Matterhorn.
Yep. Just some random cabin is a pit stop.
The cabin has a name, doesn’t it? How are teams supposed to find it?
Perhaps Phil’s pronunciation of it sucked so badly that it went unaired.
PHIL: The last team to check in here may be eliminated.
There’s no more NELs, Phil. Jesus. You can say a team -will- be eliminated. You’re not spoiling anything.
NOTE: The cabin is called the Chalet Gadi.
– Kent & Vyxsin exit the chocolate shop.
VYXSIN: So we need a taxi?
KENT: Yes, and fast.
Wait! Guys! Comeback!!!!!
– Globetrotters are shown finishing seconds later.
BIG EASY: Yes! Let’s get it! We’re going to get them! We’re about to go to war!
FLIGHT TIME: We’re going to catch them.
Unless they take a taxi. -_-
– Jen completes the task in third. Mallory finishes in fourth.
But first, some chocolate.
Okay, now she is ready to go.
– Justin is not happy about being dead last. He has likely overheard the pit stop can be reached on foot.
Justin smacks his fist on the table. Unless a miracle occurs, he and Zev will be eliminated today.
– We cut to poor Zev.
ZEV: It’s just me. . .me and the snow.
Become one with the snow, Zev. Become one with the snow.
– Kent tries to stop a cab.
But just like how their day started out in the morning, it sails on by.
VYXSIN: We just need a taxi.
No, Zev & Justin need -you- to get in a taxi.
– The Globetrotters talk about getting a taxi as they pass an incoming Kent & Vyxsin.
Are both teams really going to blow their lead?
BIG EASY: Get us a taxi? Where to get a taxi?
FLIGHT TIME: We can’t.
BIG EASY: Why?
FLIGHT TIME: It said make your way on foot.
BIG EASY: We gotta ask em where it’s at, though.
– Kisha & Jen ask a cab for directions as well as Gary & Mallory. Kisha & Jen receive useless directions.
Gary & Mallory get perfect directions from Daniel and are well on their way (a left at the Hotel Holiday).
– Justin checks in on his friend, and demands he finish strong.
Anytime Justin is on a Swiss balcony, either he is puking out cheese or he is in dead last. Balconies are never his thing.
– Zev retrieves his gnome.
– Kent finds a cab.
– Jen reads they must make their way on foot. Kisha was about to enter a cab. That was close.
– Everyone is asking for directions except for Gary & Mallory.
VYXSIN: Is it far? Can we be running there?
KENT: I don’t know.
VYXSIN: Where is it?
KENT: I don’t know.
“Running. Like, on foot or something?”
Kent is jumping up and down. The Globetrotters’ asses shall be kicked once more.
The taxi driver seems confused.
Primarily because he really wants to earn his fare, but even he can see the ‘make your way on foot’ part.
VYXSIN: We’ve gotta get there fast! Please!
Oh, you’ll get there fast, Vyxsin. You just might be sitting on a bench once you get there.
– Gary & Mallory run around a corner and see Kent & Vyxsin.
MALLORY: There’s Kent & Vyxsin in a cab! Unbelievable. It says make your way on foot.
Never trust a cab driver who is wearing one of Jet’s hats.
MALLORY: And they’re in a cab. They’re about to get a baaaad penalty! Haha!
And just like that, Mallory realizes she is guaranteed to be in the penultimate leg of The Amazing Race.
– Kent talks to the driver.
KENT: You’ve got to get there because these teams are side-by-side, neck-and-neck. It’s gonna be a full on SPRINT to get to the mat before another team.
You say it’s going to be a sprint, Kent?
That might be tough when you are IN A CAB.
– We go back to Le Petit Cervin (or as Phil would say, “some place they make chocolate”). Justin reminds “Zevy” to finish strong.
I can’t wait for his old school hip hop career as Barrington Zevy.
– Zev is done the Roadblock.
Captain Obvious applauds his efforts.
– Kisha sees Kent & Vyxsin in a taxi behind them.
Oddly enough, Kent & Vyxsin are in that green car stuck way at the back trying to come up the hill. The advantage supposedly gained by the taxi no longer exists as the teams on foot are free to move.
VYXSIN: There’s people running ahead of us.
KENT: Who do you see?
VYXSIN: I don’t know; it’s a team. Kisha and Jen, I think.
JEN: They’re lazy asses.
This is when I would re-read the clue.
– Vyxsin starts to worry in the cab.
KENT: That attitude never helps anything.
VYXSIN: I just don’t feel good about this.
Read. The. Clue.
KENT: I just don’t care. I just put my blinders on and I don’t really care.
Well that’s the most Arrested Development-like quote I have heard all episode. It works on so many levels.
– We see lots of running. Justin asks for directions.
JUSTIN: You ready to run?
Well, almost everyone is ready to run.
– The Swiss Cabin is shown as heavy Sega Genesis instrumentals begins to play. It is reminiscent of the Prince Ali level from the Aladdin video game with some of the instrumentals.
Seven seasons before the Denmark leg in TAR 25, Phil is hanging out with a dog at the pit stop. Or Beethoven, I should say.
“The banter between Big Easy and Kent was all bark but no bite, in my humble opinion.”
– Flight Time & Big Easy step onto the mat.
“The first person I have seen in eight hours!”
Flight Time is getting tackled like a protestor around a Canadian ambassador.
“Be careful. He pisses himself when he gets excited.”
PHIL: Flight Time and Big Easy. . .you know it.
FLIGHT TIME: Worst to first.
BIG EASY: Worst to first, baby!
. . .Word?
PHIL: That’s right. You are team number one.
“Unless you stir it like coffee. Then you’re back to being worst.”
FIRST PLACE: FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY
They have won a trip to the Cook Islands thanks to Travelocity and Air New Zealand.
Smother your friend, Big Easy.
– Phil tells them all about the prize.
It meets their approval.
You would think the gnome would melt under the Cook Islands sun.
Who is the guy on the right who wears just a pair of thick black socks when snorkelling in the middle of the ocean?
– Phil asks if they have their gnome.
The twist: That is the only thing they can eat during the pit stop.
– Big Easy can’t resist one final basketball reference for this episode.
BIG EASY: We definitely got a chance to come back and redeem ourselves, and try to get ourselves a slam dunk for the victory in the championship.
– Kisha & Jen are approaching the mat. There is one last uphill climb.
JEN: How are you doing?
KISHA: It hurts my doggone chest.
JEN: Oh, look at Beethoven!
Jen! The gnome! Dogs can’t eat chocolate!
– Phil gives them the good news.
SECOND PLACE: KISHA & JEN
– Phil takes their gnome, and also takes away their chance of having a proper mat chat for the first time all season.
One day, guys. One day.
– Kent & Vyxsin jump out and run up to the pit stop.
KENT: This looks like something. They’re up there, babe. C’mon!
Cabs are so ill-suited for the Zermatti terrain that Kent & Vyxsin have dropped two spots. They are not going to be happy.
Kent is moving on foot faster than Vyxsin? That’s a first.
Amazingly enough, Beethoven is not the first to go after Vyxsin’s crotch today.
– Vyxsin blatantly ignores Beethoven as she somewhat knees Beethoven in the face.
Vyxsin is not a dog person.
“Bob Barker is not going to be pleased. Kent & Vyxsin, you have been eliminated from the taping for The Price Is Right.”
PHIL: Kent & Vyxsin, you’re the third team to arrive.
Third place? Yay? Why isn’t Phil more excited?
Something is not quite right.
PHIL: However, I understand you took a taxi, is that correct?
Normally I would say their faces are turning white as a sheet, but their make-up already takes care of that.
PHIL: The clue says specifically you must go on foot.
VYXSIN: It does?
“Oh wait. Hehheheh, you’re right Vyxsin. I was just f–king with you. The clue says to take a cab to the pit stop. Silly me.”
PHIL: Unfortunately that means you’ve incurred a thirty minute penalty, and you have to wait out that penalty before I can check you in.
“And the clue specifically stated to NOT grab Flight Time’s bottom at the Roadblock. Your penalty is now one hour.”
A thirty minute penalty when Zev & Justin are already on their way to the pit stop? I know that face all too well. It’s the face of somebody that knows it is–
Closing your eyes won’t make it go away.
See? The graphic is going to appear whether you like it or not, Vyxsin.
VYXSIN: Oh my god.
PHIL: So if you guys just want to wait right there.
Vyxsin gets to sit in snow for another thirty minutes. How wonderful.
– Vyxsin examines the clue.
VYXSIN: ‘Make your way on foot’. How did we miss that, Kent?
KENT: I don’t know.
It may or may not have to do with “not caring and just going for it with blinders on”.
“So are we supposed to stare at them for the next thirty minutes?”
VYXSIN: How did we miss that?
KENT: I don’t know. You read it first.
Actually. . .
Kent not only read it first, but was repeatedly showing it to locals.
– Gary & Mallory are walking up the hill.
Gary is beasting it all the way to the mat.
Kent tries to be optimistic.
VYXSIN: Nobody else would make a mistake that stupid.
In the meantime, Vyxsin gives a tutorial on how to wipe your nose.
– Gary & Mallory nearly make it to the mat.
MALLORY (childlike): Oh. Hello.
Beethoven wants chocolate.
Mallory was not prepared for this.
It doesn’t interrupt her usual greeting for Phil.
What is Phil pointing at?
Mallory is ready for the good news.
THIRD PLACE: GARY & MALLORY
And all Kent & Vyxsin can do is watch.
– We watch Zev & Justin navigate their way through the streets.
JUSTIN: Don’t slip.
He said DON’T slip, Zev.
JUSTIN: Let’s go. Keep pushing.
ZEV: I am.
Just let him get his wind back.
– Zev & Justin see the street. Justin determines they have to go back down, around, then up.
Zev sees a simpler solution.
Ken & Gerard and Frank Mesa would be proud.
JUSTIN: What if this is entirely wrong?
I love how casually Zev states this fact.
Which is reassuring enough for Justin.
– We go back to a bickering Kent & Vyxsin.
VYXSIN: We’re going home today.
I can’t believe these words are coming out of Kent’s mouth.
– Justin goes up the stairs and determines they’re wrong.
JUSTIN: This ain’t it, dude.
Zev is waiting for Raul Julia to appear any second now.