“Every Race Has Its Prick” (Episode Blog #270)
AUSTRALIA – JAPAN – CHINA – INDIA – AUSTRIA – LIECHTENSTEIN – SWITZERLAND – BRAZIL – UNITED STATES
Previously on TAR: Six teams raced from India to Austria. Jet & Cord began the leg in last place once again, and once again the Cowboys found a way out. Kent & Vyxsin argued from Vienna all the way to Salzburg.
At the Detour, Zev & Justin and Gary & Mallory bit off more than they could chew. Zev & Justin recovered to win the leg while Gary & Mallory caught a break, but now face a Speed Bump.
Six teams remain; who will be eliminated next?
NUMBER OF TIMES MENTIONED IN THE ‘PREVIOUSLY ON TAR’ SEGMENT
GARY & MALLORY 5
FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY: 3
KENT & VYXSIN: 3
JET & CORD 3
ZEV & JUSTIN 3
AMANDA & KRIS 2
MEL & MIKE 2
JAIME & CARA: 2
MARGIE & LUKE: 2
RON & CHRISTINA 2
KISHA & JEN: 0. lol.
NOTE: This is the only episode of The Amazing Race featuring Jet & Cord that I have never seen before in my life. For those of you who may recall, I quit watching TAR between TAR 15 and TAR 18. Over the past two years, I blogged TAR 16 and this season for the TARstorian project, and TAR 24 aired on TV.
Needless to say that’s a lot of Jet & Cord footage to review over a short period of time.
– Intro time.
– Music straight from Kakariko Forest begins to play as Phil introduces us to Salzburg–resting amidst the Alps. Apparently it’s an Old World city.
Or an Old Horse city. They can barely keep their head up.
An alps leg? I just watched one last week in TAR 28, and that leg was AWFUL. I better lower my expectations immediately.
If you look close enough, you can see Erin faceplanting.
PHIL: This city was the setting for the movie The Sound of Music.
Gee, we didn’t figure that out from last week.
I can’t tell the time on that clock! Well, Rocky I plus Rocky VI equals. . .
– The Villa Trapp is one of the city’s great fascinations.
“But you know what else is a great fascination?”
The 2012 Ford Focus!
PHIL: For winning the previous leg, Zev & Justin each won a 2012 Ford Focus.
“Oh my god!”
“Oh my god!”
Jesus. They are re-using the exact same shots AND the exact same quotes when Zev & Justin won the cars at the end of last round. Hell, even the same music.
I know this season is all about flashbacks, but this is ridiculous.
JUSTIN: You got a new car, dude!
ZEV: You too.
Okay. Can we move on now, please? Please?
– Zev & Justin, who were the first to arrive at an unspecified time, will depart at 3:14am.
You can either transport the couch behind you back to Vienna or eat a meal within ten minutes. I swear the meal won’t be that big.
– Zev reads that they must make their way to Liechtenstein. Furthermore, he pronounced it correctly. Good job, Zev.
It is better than the contestants of TAR 10 trying to pronounce Mauritius.
– Phil jumps in to tell us that teams must travel by train to Feldkirch, Austria. Then they must cross the border at Schaanwald to get into Liechtenstein which is one-fifth the size of New York City.
Even though it is a tiny country, Liechtenstein doesn’t bother to match other European countries in terms of population density.
I personally prefer the flag that has a crown and looks like a freakin’ shield from the Middle Ages over a flag that was designed by the American Red Cross.
For the first time ever, it only took me four screenshots to capture an entire country on The Amazing Race.
– Once teams cross the border, they will find their next clue.
Spoiler alert: Speed Bump ahead!
ZEV (dramatic announcer voice): Caution: Double U-Turn will appear somewhere on this leg of the race.
Eh, a Double U-Turn? We don’t see why it is a big deal.
– Zev & Justin drive their 2012 Ford Focuses to the train station. Nah, just kidding. They hail a cab.
JUSTIN: We’ve won more legs than anybody. So I’d say our confidence is sky high.
Wow. Sky high? That’s even higher than the alps upon which you stand.
– Zev says Justin is carrying most of the weight, and feels he needs to contribute more.
– Zev & Justin continue their tradition of mocking every country they visit.
Yep, it’s right up there with Petoria.
I hear the Prime Minister of Liechtenstein is Liechtentung.
– Herb & Nate depart 2nd at 3:25am. They really screwed up the drive to the pit stop at the end of last round.
FLIGHT TIME: Head to Likestein.
Well, we know which country hasn’t invited the Harlem Globetrotters to play in one of its high school gymnasiums.
FLIGHT TIME: We have been sharing information with Gary & Mallory, Kisha & Jen, Zev & Justin. We haven’t really done with the Cowboys. They are independent racers.
What about Kent & Vyxsin? The ones who indirectly led to you guys being U-Turned?
“We don’t talk about Kent & Vyxsin.”
And since Kent & Vyxsin cannot do anything to mess up their Double U-Turn plans this time, Flight Time knows exactly which team will get to feel his wrath.
BIG EASY: They [Jet & Cord] don’t make a mistake. That motivates us to keep going.
They don’t make a mistake? Do airports not count?
– Kent & Vyxsin start in 3rd place at 3:39am.
“A Double U-Turn after we already used ours?”
– Kent explains their situation.
KENT: We’ve kinda been bickering like bratty little kids.
We know. We saw the ‘Previously on TAR’ segment as well as every episode this season. We don’t need a flashback. We aren’t completely mindless. If producers use this as a cue to use a flashback, then they are really really dumb–
Pffft. F–k you, producers.
– “AHHHH! IT’S GONNA FALL! DON’T GO IN THE WATER! ARE YOU INSANE!”
For viewers who suffer from amnesia and forgot what happened in the past two weeks, there you go.
– Vyxsin says these volatile interactions could be fatal.
KENT: We’re going to play it positive, and it’s going to be a great day.
Well, at least half of the team is buying into that idea.
– At 3:49am, the semi-invisible Kisha & Jen embark. Kisha says she is ready to run this round even though she is not feeling one hundred percent. She does a half chuckle which does not count towards her Laugh Count, sadly.
KISHA: I’m going to run as hard as I did if I was feeling one hundred percent healthy.
Kisha bats away Jen’s sarcasm.
– Jet & Cord commence in 5th at 3:50am.
Cord is stoked when Jet says there will be a Double U-Turn.
– Cord thinks he has a target on their back.
JET: I don’t know if we’re an outcast, but there sure hasn’t been somebody who wants to buddy up with us.
Who knew a team that repeatedly states they want to be Lone Rangers, want to create the false sense that they never follow others, and intentionally take flights where they are alone would mysteriously have a tough time aligning with another group.
CORD: With the Double U-Turn, if we start slow like we have the past couple of legs, this could really be our last leg.
And according to Jet’s recollection, there aren’t any Mean Lesbians to use as a buffer again this time.
– Gary & Mallory depart last at 4:36am. The top five teams finished within a half hour of each other, which means Gary & Mallory fell really far behind during the Detour.
Another 4:00am departure means Mallory’s hair is once again in disarray. Don’t worry Mal, I have been there myself.
MALLORY: Cross over into Linkschtenshein.
“Did I get it right? Do I get a cookie?”
Eh, you got closer than Flight Time did. I am sure a producer can hand you half a cookie for your effort.
The driver does not understand American sayings.
– We cut to Austrian public transit.
It may be four o’ clock in the morning, but that one guy remembered to put on his Santa hat!
– All six teams board the same train.
Gary checks to make sure he hasn’t missed a Speed Bump board.
MALLORY: Are we sure this is the right train?
I wonder how Gary figured it out? Was it because the other five teams were already inside? I dunno. He must be some sort of genius.
– We get a character scene.
KISHA: May I put my feet up here right on Big Easy?
BIG EASY: No, you may not!
Subtle move followed by a subtle rejection.
– Kisha laughs.
KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 7
After nine rounds of riding several trains this season, Jen is having a rough time finding a comfortable position.
KISHA: He gonna be my little leg rest.
That moment when Big Easy realizes he does not have a choice in this matter.
– For the first time in a while, Jen gets a confessional.
Did you know? Dust cleared from Jen’s throat before she spoke in this interview.
JEN: Flight Time and Big Easy have become great friends of ours. Big Easy I like his energy.
-Just- his energy, Jen?
JEN: And Flight Time is a great looking guy.
Sparkling teeth? Really, editors?
Swanky Kong made that cool long before Flight Time or Jim & Misti did.
KISHA: I take foot massages too, thank you.
BIG EASY: You keep your leg right over there or you lose it.
This isn’t Big Brother Canada 4, after all.
It would be funny if Big Easy was being dead serious about this, and literally snapped Kisha’s leg in half as blood spurts out on the seats in the train as he shouts “WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU, BITCH?!”
In all seriousness, I doubt Big Easy is concerned with Kisha having a crush on him. Just a gut feeling.
– We see a montage of night turning into day. Who gets to have the confessional of discussing how culturally diverse this journey has been? Gary & Mallory have been assigned to it the past two times. Can they go three-for-three?
MALLORY: This part of the world is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been to.
#1: The Alps.
#2: Rural Kentucky.
#3: Sudbury, Ontario.
I love how they have over 24 hours of footage from the train, but choose the twenty seconds of landscape which has a sign cover up the mountains. Could that not be edited out?
GARY: We’ve been up for 36 hours and didn’t want to lay down and sleep and miss something. The villages you go through are immaculate. They are like postcards. We’re so lucky to be able to do this again.
Wow. Thirty-six hours?! You have severe insomnia, Gary.
“We didn’t even want to miss a yeti waving the French flag.”
Or the dynamite explosions down the mountainside.
The postcard is ruined when the power goes out or a furnace breaks down.
– We are in Feldkirch, Austria. The most overdramatic music plays briefly before transitioning into the typical TAR soundtrack. All of the teams scramble into cabs.
I think this might be the only season in TAR history where the camera crew is shown in at least one shot every single episode.
– Everyone is scrambling to get to the Double U-Turn to–
Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Laugh it up, boys.
– Gary & Mallory are second into a cab.
Oh my word. What are Mallory and the cab driver doing? I’m not going to speculate.
I told you, I’m not going to speculate.
Taxi drivers in Liechtenstein are never happy no matter what you do.
– Globetrotters are third. Kisha & Jen are fourth. Zev & Justin are fifth as they talk to their driver.
JUSTIN: What’s your name?
Because all of his fares cost no more than two dollars.
JUSTIN: Tuni. Very nice.
TUNI: So you’re not terrorists?
The jig is up, Zev & Justin! Nothing would devastate the world economy like targeting downtown Liechtenstein.
JUSTIN: No, we’re in a race.
ZEV: I’m not a terrorist. But don’t worry, we’re good Americans.
That’s exactly what a terrorist -would- say!
“Enough, you two.”
I would have the same expression as Justin in this situation. If the first question I was asked in a foreign country is “Are you a terrorist?” I would be a little bit concerned as to how I would be treated.
“Scaring a couple of Americans for no apparent reason? Great success!”
– Kent & Vyxsin are last into a cab. Gary & Mallory are shouting at their driver to move because he is going by his GPS rather than just driving.
“I’ve got GPS?”
An emotionally intense Gary is a scary situation.
– Gary tries talking sense into him.
“I’m on TV.”
Gary does not have patience for this.
– Gary tells us every team is passing them, and Mallory reminds us of their Speed Bump.
– Zev & Justin ask Tuni if he can be aggressive.
Tuni wants to be a winner.
JUSTIN: No, we’re not the first. We’re behind those guys.
Justin points out Tuni’s target. Tuni accepts his mission. It’s all for a good cause.
Tuni temporarily claims the Bike Lane.
Tuni is living on the wild side. Next he is going to buy a pair of boots that have a crazy green stripe.
Whoever can hire Tuni for TAR 29 where every round will be a self-drive leg is bound to win the season by default.
ZEV: Crazy Tuni!
And to think this is the first person they meet in Liechtenstein. The bar has been set very high for these locals.
– Gary & Mallory continue to be stuck with the driver’s GPS.
You just aren’t meant to improve upon sixth place. Cava Mal.
– Zev & Justin, Kisha & Jen, Flight Time & Big Easy, and Jet & Cord are all running to the clue box.
And since this round has a Double U-Turn, we need to have a Roadblock beforehand to create suspense.
The tallest building in Liechtenstein.
In this Roadblock, teams must use a motorized bicycle called a VeloSoleX. . .
PHIL: . . .And a map for guidance. . .
PHIL: . . .AND an odometer. . .
Only Sheeva from Mortal Kombat can handle that many objects at once.
– Phil explains teams will need to measure the entire length of Liechtenstein.
“And will need to be dressed up as the cartoon character Rocky to do so.”
The official mascot for this great nation.
– Phil says Liechtenstein has a total area that is less than 62 square miles, which makes it one of the smallest countries in the world.
So this is it what it would like if Prince Edward Island gained independence. Good for them, but nobody around them would ever care.
I hear five year olds who are destined to compete professionally in cycling as an adult begin with the Tour de Liechtenstein.
– Once team members finish their twenty-two kilometre ride, they must present their guess to six-time Olympic ski racer Marco Buchel.
A man so recognizable that he requires his name to be subtitled at the bottom of our screen.
If their answer is correct, he will direct them to their next destination.
MARCO: The Castle Gutenberg.
Also known as. . .
“That building over there.”
If you live in Liechtenstein, you must regularly waste a bunch of money on international mailing fees.
If teams answer incorrectly, they will need to go Balz to the ‘Wald. In other words, they must go back to the start and head back to the ski champion.
– Kent & Vyxsin are fifth to the clue box. They point out the Speed Bump. Zev & Justin decide who will do the Roadblock.
ZEV: Measuring stuff? You can do that.
“Except your penis. That ruler would have to be microscopic. Ziiiing.”
ZEV: I don’t know kilometres.
Well learn metric you American snob!
– Zev volunteers Justin, Big Easy volunteers Flight Time, Cord volunteers Jet, and Vyxsin and Jen are the only ones who step up all by themselves.
Which leaves Kisha just a little relieved.
In a round with a Double U-Turn, the partner who can handle the pressure is the one who is forced to do it.
KENT (fascinated): Oh! Speeeed Buuuump!
The audio of Kent’s voice cracks me up. It’s like he found a Coffee Crisp at the bottom of what he -thought- was an empty bag of Halloween candy.
“Missing: Reward of KFC for information on their whereabouts.”
– Everyone suits up in their gear.
Locals are not used to TV crews being interested in filming them.
The helmet industry is five percent of Liechtenstein’s GDP.
He wants his toque back.
– The motor on Vyxsin’s bike starts, and takes her for a brief ride as she desperately tries to hang onto it as she yells “Brake! Brake!”
Coming up next: Vyxsin travels the entire length of Liechtenstein by clinging onto the handlebars of a VeloSoleX.
Just kidding. Somebody intervenes and helps her right away.
– Flight Time is first to ride followed by Jen.
Jen is having a lot of fun with this task.
– A semi-truck starts honking at her to go faster.
Or to get into the damn bike lane to her right.
JEN: Oh my god! This is f–king crazy!
While Kisha’s legacy is her laugh, Jen’s legacy is her ability to drop F-bombs. We need more duos like this on TAR.
– We cut to Gary & Mallory.
If the entire round takes place within Liechtenstein, Gary & Mallory are doomed.
– A unique action movie soundtrack plays as everyone has fun on their bikes.
“I get to be twenty-two kilometres away from Kent!”
“I get to lick my lips in the winter breeze! I don’t even need to use a baguette as an excuse this time!”
JET: I feel like Dumb and Dumber!
TAR 16’s casual fan favourite, ladies and gentlemen.
– Flight Time has a new song for us since Varanasi.
Look Ma, No Hands
Don’t You Like the Way I Dance,
I’m In Leashenstein,
On a Bike Following Friends!
Amazingly enough, this isn’t the worst song I have heard on The Amazing Race.
– Justin assumes it is not easy to slow down on the bike.
JUSTIN: Because looking back is a bad idea.
Just like how milk was a bad choice.
FLIGHT TIME: This is crazy! It’s cold out here! I picked the wrong way to do the Roadblock!
Yes Flight Time, you look miserable doing this task.
– Jet says something, but whatever.
– Gary & Mallory make it to their Speed Bump and notice all of the other teams have gone.
GARY: This is us.
Gary is like the Johnny Depp of TAR–he is uncomfortable seeing himself on screen.
I think they just lost a friend.
– In this Speed Bump, they must put their mathematical skills to the test by creating the proper mixture of gas and oil to power this Solex.
Tricky math equations? This is something that belongs on TAR Canada.
– Using the provided tools, they must figure out that they need to pump two litres of gasoline to achieve twenty-five parts gas to one part oil.
You know who would love this task?
The folks that love chemistry!
And the others who love chemistry, but just on a more subtle level.
If the mechanic approves of their mixture, one team member will use that bicycle to complete the Roadblock in hopes of making up for lost time.
Even if they get it wrong, this guy looks anti-social enough that he will approve of their mixture just so they will go away.
– Mallory starts cheering and is excited about this task.
MALLORY: This is going to be fun! Yeeeeeah!
ANTI-SOCIAL JUDGE: . . .
Maybe Mallory’s cheerful attitude isn’t as infectious as we thought.
How did Gary fall this far behind Mallory? What could he have possibly been doing that was more important than tackling the Speed Bump?
– Gary & Mallory put their Kentucky education to work and figure this out.
MALLORY: So it’s twenty-five parts gas to one oil.
GARY: Yes, yes.
MALLORY: So you’re going to have to put fifty parts of gas in that–
GARY: This is–it’s 2.5 parts–
MALLORY: No, it’s 25 parts gas and one part oil.
Sitting on a frozen chair sounds good right about now, doesn’t it?
MALLORY: We’ll just do twenty litres.
GARY: No, we can’t do twenty. We can do 2.5. . .and then. . .2.5.
And this is why you do not stay awake on a train ride for 36 hours straight. Good luck with solving this math problem.
I know the bar is extremely low for Speed Bumps, but this might be one of the toughest ones they have ever had in the US version.
– Jet is approaching the finish line.
JET: I think I have a 50/50 shot of getting this right. I’m not really sure where I’m at. I missed a turn somewhere. I’m pretty sure I missed something.
Considering your odometer would be active while you are lost in the middle of Liechtenstein, the odds of answering the question correctly is now far lower than fifty percent.
And how you get lost in a country that has fewer roads than Iceland is beyond me.
FLIGHT TIME: The map is pretty straight-forward. I mean, you do have to read it.
I suppose a map is more useful when you are reading it rather than shoving it into your mouth.
“Wait a second.”
FLIGHT TIME: I went the wrong way.
So this is what happens when Flight Time attempts to work on his own.
– Jen freaks out when riding through a loud construction zone.
Look out for that crane behind you, Jen! It’s toppling over!
– The blunder sound effect plays as a piece of paper drops behind Jen’s bike.
At least this map is covered in pavement rather than Jet’s drool.
– We go back to Gary & Mallory’s sleep-deprived math exercise.
MALLORY: We need one part oil to twenty-five parts gas. So. . .
“So. . .then. . .you. . .uh. . .carry the one?”
GARY: You need two litres.
MALLORY: I trust you.
Bring Your Daughter to Pump Gas Day.
– A funky soundtrack plays as they complete the Speed Bump. The judge smiles and approves of their ratio.
“Good! Now I can finish my Sudoku puzzle in peace!”
– Considering the Roadblock is at the same location as the Speed Bump, I doubt Gary & Mallory lost more than eight or nine minutes doing this task.
– Gary wants to do the Roadblock as Mallory adds he is good at motorcycles.
MALLORY: You’re going to dominate this. Just do it right the first time.
Not if you’re copying the Jet McCoy strategy.
Shoving paper into your mouth is an Ervin family tradition.
– Jen is checking her pocket for her map.
“Where is it. . .?”
This has to be a Guiness World Record for the highest number of people to be lost in Liechtenstein at the same time.
– Jen states her map flew out of her pocket.
JEN: This is bad. This is real bad.
– We cut to Vyxsin who pulls over on the side of the road.
“Maybe I should take a look at my map.”
Eh, it’s only a little bit crumpled.
Justin casually passes Vyxsin.
If Justin’s pencil flies out like Jen’s map did, he is going to have to write down his guess in his own blood.
Vyxsin examines her surroundings.
A task involving a map? Vyxsin may not have been the ideal person for this task.
– Gary is doing additional pedalling. He catches up to Jet.
“Hey Jet, remember how it was a grand accomplishment for you guys to finish first on a leg after completing a Speed Bump?”
Gary and Jet proceed to share information. Jet says he is up to 17.5 kilometres, but admits he took a turn into the wrong town.
GARY: We ain’t makin’ no mistakes. I’m going to draft off of you like the Tour de France!
“All I need is a few steroids injected into my ass and I get to live out my dream of being Lance Armstrong!”
Yes, Gary will save a lot of energy in his legs by drafting. . .on a motorized bicycle.
That’s about the same amount of energy I save in my legs when drafting in Mario Kart 8.
NOTE: Jet and Gary are working together. Keep this in mind because this will be relevant for when casual fans complain later.
– Jen and Justin run into each other from opposite directions. Jen asks if he has a map.
I am amazed the coalition between Kisha & Jen and Zev & Justin since the start of the season has not been talked about yet in confessionals. This is probably the fourth or fifth round we have been shown them working together.
JEN: I can read a map if you want me to help you read it. I swear to God.
Which is a tough sell to the one guy in the entire cast who has proven to be the best map reader of all twenty-two racers.
But eh, Justin opts to be a nice guy.
JUSTIN: We go a little to the right here.
JEN: Yep. Right there.
Way to contribute, Jen. Justin would have been screwed if Jen did not read his map.
– They decide to ride together as Jen proclaims everyone will have to re-do this task.
Which is not too far-fetched at this point.
Why is Vyxsin running? She is not understanding this task at all.
– Jet scans behind him for Gary.
This isn’t how drafting works.
JET: I’m in a hurry! Good luck! Adios.
NOTE: Jet voluntarily ditched Gary when they were working together. Keep this in mind because it will come into play when casual fans complain at the end of this episode.
Jet & Cord’s social game, ladies and gentlemen!
Gary & Mallory were the only team Jet & Cord consistently worked with throughout the season, and they just completely ditched their own allies.
In early December, nothing will keep you warm like a coat of arms.
Just in case you have forgotten, this is the most famous person in all of Liechtenstein, Marco Buchel. He is right up there with the likes of Gandhi and George Clooney.
You are waving at him, Justin? Psssh. You are supposed to bow and kiss his medal before him.
At least Justin tries to be semi-formal with his Royal Steinness.
Liechtenstein’s biggest celebrity channels The Fonz.
MARCO: Did you enjoy Liechtenstein?
Tread carefully, Justin. Crazy Tuni cannot intervene on your behalf.
JUSTIN: Very much. It’s absolutely beautiful.
Justin forgot to mention that the countryside reeks of cow manure, but now was not the time to bring it up.
MARCO: So let me see that final number.
If Justin wrote the final number in tally marks, he receives ten bonus points.
– Justin submits a guess of twenty-two kilometres.
MARCO: That’s what you say?
“That’s what you say?”
Well, Marco did not have a choice because “Is That Your Final Answer?” is already trademarked in America. Unfortunately, Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Liechtenstein has to settle for “Is That What You Say?”
– Justin confirms that it is indeed what he says.
MARCO: That is a correct answer.
“Now you can play for the 64, 000 Euro question!”
MARCO: There it is. The castle. Go on.
“Note that my weed stash is located underneath the dresser inside of the royal chambers. Feel free to take an ounce if you so wish.”
JUSTIN: Thank you, sir.
MARCO: Au revoir.
I thought German was the official language of Liechtenstein? Marco is a traitor.
Jen asks for confirmation.
“Our three leg wins to your zero leg wins this season? Of course I’ll help you.”
JEN: That says twenty-two.
MARCO (casually): Yeah.
Jen’s handwriting must suck if she has to announce what her number was.
If Justin had said “no, it’s actually twenty-one”, I think Jen would have killed him at the pit stop.
Jen is not a very safe driver.
– Vyxsin is still on her feet surveying the land.
She is more likely to find Narita Airport than Marco Buchel at this point.
– Jet flies past Vyxsin without a word. Gary, however, decides to talk to her.
Maybe if you yell “Polo” you will find him, Gary.
VYXSIN: This is taking forever.
You know what didn’t take forever? Pumping two litres of gas.
VYXSIN: I’m really confused because we’re so close.
And yet. . .not.
– Gary decides to fill her in on the latest Cowboy news.
Jesus. Who would do such a thing to you, Gary?
Oh right. The entire casual fanbase crucified Kent for ditching Gary. I have a feeling Jet will not be receiving criticism for doing the exact same thing.
After letting this happen to him on two separate Roadblocks, you can’t help but feel this is a case of “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me”.
– Jet finds Marco Buchel. Marco does the most jolly laugh I have ever heard.
MARCO: Ohohohohoho! Hiiii there! I understand you have a postcard here with a number?
Marco finds cowboys amusing.
Thinking. . .thinking. . .
MARCO: Is this your final number?
Jet is not looking too confident.
JET: . . .That’s my final number.
“And if you don’t like it, then you can lick my gravy.”
Not even close.
MARCO: I am very sorry but this is incorrect. Sorry about that.
Marco is starting to sound more Canadian rather than Liechtensteinian.
JET (sighs): That’s alright.
INTERIOR MONOLOGUE: No. It’s not.
JET: I just got to ride it back from where I started from.
JET: Start all over.
Marco takes no pleasure in telling you this, Jet.
Okay, maybe some pleasure.
JET: You gotta be kidding me!
And seeing how Jet nearly doubled the correct number, this may get interesting real fast.
The goggles are essential to covering up Cowboy tears.
– Commercial break. We resume. Lonely music plays. Flight Time runs into Jet.
But first, he nearly hits a car.
Flight Time is sure happy to see somebody heading back to the start.
FLIGHT TIME: You gotta go back?
JET: No. I gotta go back.
FLIGHT TIME: You didn’t get it right?
(JET shakes head.)
JET: You get lost?
FLIGHT TIME: I got lost, yeah.
JET: So did I.
“If you got lost. . .and I got lost. . .and we know somebody has to go home this leg, then maybe we should–”
JET: Good luck!
FLIGHT TIME: Uh, okay. I might be right behind you.
“Anything you want to ask, Jet?”
NOTE: After ditching Gary, Jet submitted an answer that was way off. Jet realized he is in deep doo-doo due to having to go all the way back to the start and return to Marco Buchel (the journey is now 66 kilometres instead of 22 kilometres). Jet was given a huge reprieve by running into Flight Time, a racer who does not mind working with pretty much anyone and nearly in as much trouble as he was, but instead refused to work with him.
Keep this in mind because what the Globetrotters do later will infuriate the casual fans.
– Justin makes his way to Gutenberg Castle. So does Jen.
I bet teams wish they still had the VeloSoleX to ride up the steep incline of the castle.
The Gutenberg Castle: Liechtenstein’s refugee camp.
Soon-to-be best friends.
Anticipation puts everyone in an uneasy state.
– Zev & Justin and Kisha & Jen quickly reunite.
“Oh my gravy.”
“Oh my goth.”
“Oh my unicorn.”
Fatigue is starting to set in for Jen.
Zev finds his jacket string tasty.
– Zev reads they must cross the Alps. Phil informs us they must travel by bus AND train to the ski resort of Zermatt.
This round has included a lot of travel. Geez.
– Where is Zermatt, you ask?
Sorry Kisha & Jen. You have now completed your TAR 14 route in reverse. On one hand, producers screwed you over by offering nearly nothing new this season, but on the other hand you have an insane advantage that nobody else remaining currently possesses. Margie & Luke, Jaime & Cara, and Mel & Mike all being eliminated has definitely helped you out.
– Anyways, Zermatt is located at the base of the Matterhorn. Once they arrive, they must search the train station for their next clue.
And this is where TAR 28’s Alps round failed right off the bat–they tried to conduct an entire round within a tiny linear area on a mountain. At least TAR 18 knew they had to mix in a bunch of different tasks that take place around the area, and still make it a competitive race.
And it’ll be dark for the -second- time this leg. That means this round has been going on for about 48 hours. TAR 28’s round at Mont Blanc was probably around five hours total from start to finish.
– Jen starts storming down the hill towards Justin.
JEN: HEY JUSTIN! GIVE ME SOME! GIVE ME SOME!
Justin is scared.
Now that is an intense high five.
Jen takes charge of this group after K-G’ing that high five.
– Kisha is simultaneously running down the hill and laughing really hard while this goes down. This is the best remix of Kisha’s laugh that I have heard in all twenty-one of her episodes.
KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 8
– Justin sees a bus stop. They also run into Flight Time.
ZEV: Oh, here comes Flight Time. He looks so weird.
He is too lanky for that bicycle.
Jen tries not to laugh at Flight Time.
JUSTIN: What’s up, baby?
JEN: You got lost?
Flight Time answered this question better than Flight Time did.
With about two kilometres to go, Flight Time will have the right answer, but he attempts to beg for confirmation.
Don’t make you go back there?
This is Liechtenstein, Flight Time. Not a freakin’ Iranian prison for jailed foreign journalists.
JEN: No, don’t go back.
– Justin explains his rationale for helping Flight Time.
JUSTIN: I don’t know why we helped them other than they are our friends and we felt like we were ahead of enough teams that we felt it wouldn’t really hurt us.
Although telling Flight Time the answer is “23” would have been a great way to f–k with him.
NOTE: “We don’t know why we helped other than we liked them.” This applies to pretty much every competitive reality show ever. Keep this quote in mind because it is one of the reasons why casual fans freak out at the end of this episode.
Flight Time bids them farewell as their bus arrives.
– Kisha & Jen and Zev & Justin board the bus as they discuss what just unfolded.
JUSTIN: What would you have done if it was Jet?
JEN: If it was me?
JUSTIN: If it was anybody else besides Flight Time.
JEN: Oh, I wouldn’t have told them.
And there you have it.
– Flight Time tries to catch up to Gary on his bike.
FLIGHT TIME (David Cross tone): GARY! GARY!
Gary is in the f–king zone, chief.
There we go.
– Flight Time fills in Gary on the latest news.
FLIGHT TIME: They told me back there. I saw the two teams who already checked in. I don’t want you to have to go all the way back, so I’m tellin’ you.
Flight Time extends the olive branch.
Pound it, Gary.
FLIGHT TIME: I told Gary cause there’s nothing wrong with sharing a little information when there’s a team way in the back.
BIG EASY: You don’t want to run head up with the Cowboys. They’re fast, they’re smart, they’re a quick team.
In other words, if you find yourself in a situation where you exchange information back and forth with several other teams to stay ahead of one team, you take it.
The thing is that Flight Time & Big Easy have been compromising like this since the very first round when Zev & Justin helped them out with the first Roadblock. You keep returning the favour and scratching other people’s backs to allow them to scratch yours down the road, chances are nobody is going to leave you for dead.
The Globetrotters learned from their first stint on TAR. Even though they are an alpha male team who has done better overall than Jet & Cord thus far in the race, nobody has targeted them.
Hell, Kent & Vyxsin chose to U-Turn Jaime & Cara right to their face rather than U-Turn Flight Time & Big Easy when they were in their only vulnerable state all season.
Sorry new casual fans of TAR, but seasons involving returning players or social media stars who already know each other have always required a much stronger social game than any other type of season.
And currently, Gary is reaping the benefits of this fact.
FLIGHT TIME: So just put ’22’ down, and you’re good.
Together, they ride with or without their sweet chariot.
– Flight Time and Gary make it to Marco.
MARCO: Hey, you must be Flight Time.
Wait a minute. Did Marco actually recognize Flight Time or did producers tell him who he was beforehand? Is Marco that big of a fan of the Harlem Globetrotters or does he watch TAR on a satellite feed from his crappy Liechtensteini apartment?
I tried asking Marco this question on Twitter, but unfortunately he does not have an account. Sorry.
Vyxsin is only seconds behind Gary and Flight Time. It looks like all five teams are about to clear this task.
– Flight Time submits his guess.
Kilomiters? I know Americans struggle at putting the ‘r’ before ‘e’, but this is just sad. If I am on TAR US and have to submit a guess using an imperial unit of measurement, I will write it as ’22 galens’.
– Anyways, let’s see this streak of approval.
– Flight Time shouts for Gary’s attention once more. It cracks me up each time because it reminds me of David Cross’ stand-up bit where he impersonates Rickey Henderson leaving voicemail for himself.
“Gare-eh, Gare-eh, turn around in your bicycle. . .it’s me: You.”
And that’s the Rickey Henderson bit for this blog. YEAH!
– Jet is back at the starting point.
JET: Don’t get lost is going to be my strategy.
That’s a good strategy. Although you did have a much better one on the table earlier.
And just like that, Jet is guaranteed to travel an additional 44 kilometres on a motorized bicycle compared to all other teams. The bus and train rides will need to be a big equalizer for Jet & Cord.
– Zev & Justin and Kisha & Jen arrive at the train station. Then they board the train and sit together again.
JEN: We are one big happy family.
JUSTIN: You complete me, Jen.
JEN: I know.
KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 9
Kisha is just going full throttle today.
Is Zev complaining about being stuck sitting on a train or spending more time with Kisha & Jen?
– Kent, Big Easy, Mallory, and Cord anticipate the next pair of arrivals.
This is nerve-racking for them.
Well, Big Easy and Mallory are rescued.
Kent is fearing the worst.
GARY: Jet had to turn around and go back.
“I hope every light he encounters is flashing green.”
– Globetrotters and Gary & Mallory run together. Kent & Vyxsin meet up.
The all too familiar fifth place position for them.
These steep inclines must be killing Kent’s unaired ankle injury.
– Cord glances at the camera.
CORD: Lone Ranger.
I hear Cord gets moist every time he has an excuse to refer to himself and Cord as a Lone Ranger.
If Cord can go down as the lonest ranger in Amazing Race history, he will be proud.
– Globetrotters and Gary & Mallory board a bus. The Sargans bus must pass by frequently because Kent & Vyxsin are on the following one.
BIG EASY: Was it fast?
FLIGHT TIME: That bike? I did more pedalling than anything.
Geez. That means Jet trailing on a bike that can’t go more than twenty to thirty kilometres per hour puts him extremely far behind.
– Kent & Vyxsin talk on the bus.
KENT: Give me a hug, give me a hug. You did sooo great.
VYXSIN: Thanks, Baby Cat.
KENT: I’m ready to put some Cowboys on Ice today.
I hear that’s the latest Disney attraction–Cowboys on Ice. Screw Toy Story on Ice–it’s time to switch up the rodeo tradition.
Wait a second. Did Vyxsin just call her boyfriend ‘baby cat’? Nobody has ever called -me- that. I don’t know how I would react to that while dating. Would that be a dealbreaker for me? I guess it’s better than being called ‘daddy’. *shutter*
– Jen talks about her current position on the train.
JUSTIN: We’re not feeling all that comfortable.
JEN: It actually makes me feel more nervous because I know people are chasing me.
KISHA, ZEV & JUSTIN: . . . .
“Swiss government spies are in the boxcar behind us. I know it.”
. . .
– Cord thinks about how much of a gap they have to close. Jet arrives at Marco once more.
“Dude, I’ve been standing here for three hours. What gives? I have to pick up my son from soccer practice.”
– Jet submits the correct answer.
MARCO: Good luck.
Cause they are going to need it.
Yes Jet, you are the only one. It’s like you are a Lone. . .Lone. . .a Lone Cyclist?
– Kent & Vyxsin, Globetrotters, and Gary & Mallory wait at the train station and talk about how far back the Cowboys are.
If there is an overnight hours of operation in Zermatt, they may revolt against production.
Although producers may back off if Big Easy steps in. Mallory not so much.
Mallory in the Quiet Zone? Yeah. That is not going to work out.
– Military-esque music (a new soundtrack?) plays as Cord stares at the castle walls.
“You know what? I might put ketchup on my mashed potatoes when I get home. Just to switch things up.”
“No Cord, that’s crazy talk.”
– Cord’s thoughts are interrupted by Jet’s arrival.
CORD: Hey brother-man!
For once, we are spared of the Cowboy theme song when they finish a Roadblock. I guess it doesn’t sound as triumphant when you complete the task in dead last.
– How worried is Jet about elimination?
Very, would be the answer.
– Odd transition music plays as night falls upon the Swiss Alps. Zev & Justin are first to the clue box. Kisha & Jen are obviously second.
KISHA: Cheese or Weed.
Oh, I guess it’s legal in Switzerland.
– Phil informs us that Zermatt is a ski town known for its Swiss hospitality towards visitors.
And like most ski towns near where I live here in Canada, everything is probably expensive as f-ck.
– These visitors show up with huge amounts of luggage and a huge appetites.
A luggage fort. How neat.
PHIL: Teams need to decide which Zermattic experience they want to explore–Cheese o Wheeze.
Oh. Kisha actually said ‘wheeze’. Well I for one am disappointed. One day Mallory will be using pot in a European leg of The Amazing Race. One day.
– In Cheese, teams make their way to this restaurant.
Phil couldn’t pronounce ‘walliserkanne’? Is it that hard to pronounce compared to other past Swiss route markers in TAR? For instance, the Gletscherschlucht.
– Once here, they must share a heaping pot of cheese fondue.
Are you kidding me?
Two rounds in a row with a food consumption task?
– Once teams have finished all the cheese, teams will be handed an empty pot.
What is with Switzerland and cheese on The Amazing Race?
TAR 3: John Vito & Jill need to eat enough cheese cubes until the Fast Forward clue is revealed.
TAR 14: Mel suffers his first TAR related injury when he strains his groin while transporting a wheel of cheese.
How does one look after eating a bowl of cheese fondue?
Apparently you look like Kevin Dillon who is packing on fifty pounds for his first role after Entourage.
– The empty pot has their next clue printed inside.
Much like Paula from EarthBound, I think Phil is ready to use that as a weapon.
– In Wheeze, teams travel on foot throughout Zermatt delivering a total of twenty pieces of luggage from the train station to at least five different hotels. They will collect a tag for each delivery.
Zermatt: We need more vowels.
I Google’d it. This hotel is actually called Hotel Primavera. If you are not in the mood for some cheese fondue, perhaps some pasta will tickle your fancy!
– Once they collect twenty tags, the head porter will hand them their next clue.
I love the dramatic re-enactment.
– Zev & Justin decide which Detour to do.
ZEV: Let’s do Cheese.
JUSTIN: Isn’t this the same situation as before?
Dear God. Okay, producers. Get this flashback over with while we’re young.
In case you:
a) Missed the ‘Previously On’ segment at the start of this week or;
b) Missed last week’s episode entirely or;
c) Suffer from retrograde amnesia
Here is a reminder of what went down at the last Detour.
JUSTIN: This is the same as last leg. We had trouble with this easy sounding food challenge.
– Zev points out they just have to share a pot of fondue, and claims he is hungry.
If the pot of cheese is big enough, the ‘Wheeze’ part of the Detour will come into play. Does that qualify as being U-Turned?
JUSTIN: Hopefully this isn’t a huge mistake again.
– Kisha & Jen also attempt Cheese. No flashback for them to when they failed at the food eating challenge last leg, though.
Sorry Kisha & Jen, but the only flashback you are allowed to have is either going into an outdoor toilet or calling a deaf guy a bitch. Everyone else gets more flattering and diverse highlight reels.
– Zev compliments the smell of the restaurant. There is a bigger challenge up ahead that was not mentioned in the clue, though.
Small accordions combined with obnoxious yodelling? Kill me now.
And this also marks the second round in a row where teams face a Detour option that involves eating a large quantity of food accompanied by annoying music.
At least last week they only had to suffer from the violinists for fifteen minutes. Here there is no time limit whatsoever.
Dinner is served.
JUSTIN: We’ve got to eat all of this cheese?
ZEV: I’m ready.
JUSTIN: Zev, I’m already telling you this is crazy. It’s the same exact thing. Are you really wanting to finish this?
ZEV: We’ve been here for fifteen seconds.
“This is a task designed for Chuck & Wynona or Debra & Steve. Not for mere mortals like us.”
“I don’t give a sh-t about Chuck & Wynona or Debra & Steve. We’re finishing this!”
– Kisha & Jen sit down to eat as well. Jen prepares some suitable dinner table conversation.
JEN: I’m not going to be able to poop for a long long time.
That is one way to ruin your own appetite.
You can tell the guy on the left knows the problem of eating too much cheese all too well. He is uncomfortable.
ZEV: You wanna go? You’re shaking your head.
Justin is quicker to determine his limit this time.
If all customers leave a restaurant of yodelers, do they still make an annoying sound?
– Kisha says her stomach hurts. It may have to do with eating a bunch of deep fried meat during last round’s Detour.
Or it may have something to do with the yodelers.
– Kisha insists her stomach pain began before she arrived at the Detour. Jen suggests switching.
Which may be a good idea.
Both teams could very well switch together and knock out Wheeze in unison.
– Zev thinks they will be alright. Jen asks Kisha to make a decision. Kisha caves and agrees to do the other Detour.
– Justin tells Zev that Kisha & Jen are switching.
She and Old Man Moustache Guy are disappointed in Kisha & Jen.
ZEV: What do you want to do?
JUSTIN: I’m leaving it up to you, dude.
ZEV: Alright, let’s finish this.
Put the napkins down and prepare to shovel in some cheese, Zev.
– Kisha complains about her ears being cold, and laughs at her own remark.
KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 10
– Jen is wearing two bandanas and must put a porter hat on top of them.
Try again, Jen.
The hat can also be an eyepatch.
Top o’ the mornin’ to ya, sis!
– Kisha doesn’t understand the task. Jen loads up the valet cart for her.
– Vyxsin recaps they are on the same train with the Globetrotters and Gary & Mallory.
KENT: We’re all still ahead of the Cowboys.
VYXSIN: There’s no question in my mind that the Cowboys can make up time. I don’t think anyone feels comfy and relaxed that we’re safe from them.
Jet & Cord: So feared by Kent & Vyxsin that even the Swiss Army can’t intervene to protect them.
– Justin is impressed by Zev powering through the meal.
Not so impressed by the yodelling.
JUSTIN: Oh, man. It doesn’t taste that good. That’s part of the problem. At least it’s not curdling. I shouldn’t say that word.
I hear the texture makes up for the taste.
– Kisha & Jen find a guy to give them directions to the hotel. In a town with only 5, 000 people, you would assume all of the buildings are close together.
There is a street called Zermatterhof in Zermatt? That would be like if Vancouver had a street called Vancouverhausen.
– Kisha & Jen take off running while Jen has one hand glued to her hat.
You know you can take off your bandanas to ensure the hat fits, Jen?
– The second train arrives in Zermatt.
That is one angry kid on his cell phone.
– Globetrotters choose Wheeze.
So much for me being able to call them Flight Time & Big Cheesy. Sigh.
However, my friend Cam Johnson pointed out that instead “they have to deliver the luggage quickly so nobody misses their Flight Time.”
– Kent & Vyxsin ponder.
VYXSIN: Run around with heavy stuff or eat a bunch of cheese?
That’s one way to sum it up.
– Does Kent want to do yet another task involving heavy lifting, or does he want to corrupt his figure by eating a whole lot o’ cheese?
“Is there a third option?”
– Everyone chooses Wheeze. Kisha & Jen enter a hotel. Three down. Seventeen to go.
Whoa, the hat is staying on for once.
– The re-run of Zev & Justin at an eating task continues.
ZEV: I’m not very fondue of your fondue.
That’s what we call a fondont, Zev. How dare you insult the great Swiss fondue.
Justin loves a cheesy joke.
– Zev is visibly struggling.
ZEV: This is not getting any easier.
Comedy is the only cure during your darkest hour.
– The most disgusting burps I have heard in TAR history commences.
Overall though, Mark’s gas when eating seven burritos on The Mole still tops it. I don’t care how many more rounds in a row throw in a food eating task this season.
– Justin is suffering from it all.
Preparing to pass out.
“I knew I shouldn’t have come to school today.”
– Kent & Vyxsin, Gary & Mallory, and Flight Time & Big Easy are all at the baggage pile. Ready for Kent’s next meltdown?
KENT (whiniest tone ever): Here. Take your stuff, honey.
VYXSIN (taking her backpack): Where’s your backpack?
KENT: No, that’s mine. That’s mine!
I have never heard Kent’s tone of voice sound like that before. Or anyone’s voice, for that matter. This is unreal. The guy is losing his mind. It’s hilarious.
You know Gary & Mallory are focused on this task when neither of them are laughing at Kent.
MALLORY (like an enthusiastic video game character): C’mon dad, let’s move.
Kent is losing his mind, and Mallory has turned into the friendly AI in a tutorial level. What is happening?
KENT (same ridiculous tone): We gotta stop! We gotta stop! My backpack isn’t on.
lol. Kent is saying the same thing as my mother’s daycare kids when they go to the park. What’s even funnier is he is copying their tone, too.
VYXSIN: Why are you crying?
KENT: Because my backpack isn’t on.
VYXSIN: Can you stop whining like a girl?
“What are you talking about? My voice is perfectly normal and sounds the same like it’s always been!”
I can’t stress enough how messed up Kent’s tone is compared to usual. If you suggested that editors put it through some sort of filter or another audio program, I would believe you. It is -that- ridiculous right now.
– Globetrotters receive directions.
The ambassador is down? The Globetrotters shall save the day!
– Gary & Mallory are still loading luggage. Mallory is confused because the instructions say to deliver to five different hotels.
You can see the urgency on Mallory’s face. . .kinda.
– Kent’s voice is back to normal as they get directions too.
If this were two minutes ago, Vyxsin would buy Kent one of those teddy bears.
– Vyxsin accidentally runs the cart into Kent’s ankle.
KENT: OW! You hit me in the–like you hit my ankle! You hit my ankle!
KENT: You hit my ankle with the cart!
If it were in the knee, Kent would be full on Peter Griffin’ing it at the moment.
Did Vyxsin do it on purpose subconsciously? I don’t know.
– Vyxsin gathers the lost luggage.
VYXSIN: Kent, I need you to get it together. Really, you’re acting like a baby. Just walk with me and hold this.
“I’m still gonna get laid during the pit stop, right?
– Kisha & Jen drop off four bags at Hotel Astoria.
Not to be confused with Hotel Historia.
– Zev & Justin continue to chow down.
JUSTIN: We considered leaving before we even came. . .but now we feel like we gotta stick it out.
JUSTIN: I’m going to kill you for this, you know that right?
Does that mean Justin gets both of the 2012 Ford Focuses then?
JUSTIN: No turning back now.
ZEV: No turning back now.
Use that mentality, boys.
– Kisha & Jen get directions from another local.
Jen thanks her by accidentally pushing her bike over in the process.
KISHA: oooooo. Sorry.
Jen isn’t being sent to the principal’s office, Kisha.
– Kent & Vyxsin enter a hotel.
KENT: We’re delivering suitcases!
I think the attendant figured that out. Kent has a tendency to announce what he is doing on tasks involving deliveries. They have seven bags.
– Globetrotters deliver four bags.
I am amazed none of the luggage fell out of the cart.
– Kisha & Jen have delivered eleven bags. Kisha says the remaining hotels are closer than the ones they have already visited.
– Zev & Justin keep eating.
This is the third time Justin has buried his face in his hands. The Swiss cheese is tearing him apart.
ZEV: Starting to take its toll.
JUSTIN: We can’t stop. Not even a thought.
ZEV: I’m not thinking it. *burp*
They might not be thinking it, but their cheesy burps are definitely saying it.
This is now a Roadblock for Zev.
– Mallory tells her dad that they need to get going with the luggage.
Mallory likely wants to sit on top of the luggage like a child in a grocery cart.
– Kisha & Jen are back at the starting point to gather more luggage.
JEN: Kisha, we’ve got another team here. Let’s go.
MALLORY (startled): Oh. Hello.
“Hi. I’m Mallory. I like dolls. What’s your name? Oh. Where’d they go?”
– Mallory is working hard to lift some luggage.
She’s like a Mini Magnus Ver Magnusson.
– Mallory is back in her friendly video game AI voice as she says “C’mon Dad, let’s move!” twice more. Kisha & Jen already take off.
– Gary & Mallory attempt to finish stacking their luggage. Mallory counts the bags.
MALLORY: One, two, three, four–
Son of a bitch.
– The cart revolts and tips in the opposite direction. Gary sprints to push down on the handle.
Balancing the cart has already taken more time than the Speed Bump altogether.
– Extremely dramatic and hard-hitting music plays as Justin buries his face into his hands for a fourth time.
JUSTIN: I can’t even look at this.
There is something not appealing about eating yellow icicles.
ZEV: Close your eyes.
JUSTIN: I’m trying!
C’mon, Justin. Picture the cheese like it’s a chocolate bunny, or CNN coverage of Donald Trump where if you empty the bowl then you never have to hear about Trump in politics ever again.
ZEV: Try harder.
JUSTIN: This stopped being funny.
Wow. He really is going to kill Zev.
Something that involves a sledgehammer would be my guess.
The waiter of their section will be left an awfully small tip tonight.
JUSTIN: I need a timeout or I’m gonna hurl. It’s getting harder with every bite. We’re gettin’ close. Oh man, Zev.
ZEV: We need a break. We need to do some work.
The good news is they don’t have to worry about using their provided cash on food during the next leg.
– Justin tries to push himself a bit more.
This task would be in violation of the nearby Geneva Convention here in Switzerland.
– Justin kicks the table viciously as he covers his face.
JUSTIN: Oh my god. I think I need to puke.
ZEV (unfazed by this): Then go do it.
I love how serious Justin is about this. He is putting his foot down–vomit must cometh.
Justin looks like me after a friend’s birthday party. Six or seven Palm Bays later, some Heineken, a Lucky Lager, and here we are.
NOTE: For once, producers are not showing us the actual vomit.
Justin will not get to have his DNA shown on national television like Niroo & Kapil or Dustin & Kandice did. It’s an exclusive club, Justin.
– How is Zev handling this?
Did You Know?: At the end of filming, Zev announced he will permanently switch to a vegan diet.
– Commercial break. We resume.
Zev is in a cheesatonic state. Who mixed cannabis and THC into the fondue?
I think Zev will be experiencing the rest of this round in Snoopavision.
Oh right. This is 2016. Everyone expects on-screen hashtags during an episode of TAR.
Justin is releasing the past thirty-five minutes of his stomach’s contents.
– Kisha & Jen see Justin on the balcony.
Justin salutes his competition. He is in a far more stoic state than he was seconds ago.
KISHA: How y’all doin’?
JUSTIN: We’re almost there, but I just puked.
KISHA: Awwww. You puked?!
I think Kisha made the right decision.
You know what Justin should have done?
He should have tried to see how many innocent Zermatti locals and tourists he could have hit with his vomit. The balcony is overlooking a busy street. I think he could have easily hit at least a dozen or so if he timed it right in one hit.
Now that’s terrorism.
– Justin informs Zev that he saw Kisha & Jen.
ZEV: We can do it. Power through it. The U-Turn is coming.
A cap in the ass sounds more pleasant than more cheese in the mouth, I presume.
Although having to run around with luggage across Zermatt -after- eating all of this cheese sounds like a racer’s worst nightmare.
ZEV: You’ve taken one bite in the past eleven minutes. The other teams are catching up.
Justin feels like a combination of Master Belch, Master Barf, and Lil Pukes.
– A change of pace as Kisha & Jen have fourteen bags down, and just one hotel to go.
Forty-one minutes of listening to that music? If I could puke on anybody, it would be them.
ZEV: Please, please, please. You’re not doing anything!
JUSTIN: I’m doing what I can right now, okay! I’m trying not to projectile vomit all over you.
Well that. . .
. . .Is a music pauser.
– Jet & Cord find the clue in the train station. They choose Wheeze.
– Kisha & Jen have delivered all twenty bags, and must go back to the train station.
– Forty-seven minutes since Zev & Justin began eating fondue. More burping ensues.
Zev is like a coach in March Madness.
ZEV: Oh god. Can you help me here?
ZEV: Yes. Really. We’ve just got to push through.
This is right up there with Coach Carter levels of inspiration. Find that elusive victory within, Justin!
Although Justin’s deepest fear is that the cheese fondue is more powerful than beyond measure–not greatness.
The bottom of that pot may be the most unpleasant thing I could ever picture eating.
– Jet & Cord gather luggage. They run with the cart making cowboy noises. Kisha & Jen note their presence.
Cord is such a rebel. He wears the porter hat backwards.
Must kill Moe–weeeeee. Must kill Moe–weeeeee.
Kisha has handled the cart for the duration of the task. . .while Jen handled her hat.
Zev shoves in the last bite.
JUSTIN: There’s the bottom. We’re good.
“You guys are done?”
“Well, then here’s another pot! Enjoy!”
– Nah, just kidding. The pot is empty. Their clue is written on it.
ZEV: We did it Carlos!
Justin cradles Carlos’ pot like a newborn baby.
Meanwhile, the porter tracks Kisha & Jen’s tags.
You know who would be great this?
JUSTIN: I don’t even want to look at that anymore.
ZEV: I feel great.
Well, we know what Justin’s murder weapon is going to be.
ZEV: I pushed my teammate to this test because that’s what needed to be done. He pushes me a lot, and it was my turn to be the leader.
To be fair, Justin has never pushed you into a gigantic bowl of fondue.
– Zev reads they will be going to the fountain at the Inderbinen Brunnen.
The subtitle at the bottom of the screen at least was wise enough to reveal the information we already know.
Why is Phil starting so far down the street? And did an apocalypse happen here?
Because of the Automatic U-Turn at the beginning, does this make it the first TAR US season to have three U-Turns in a single race?
– Kisha & Jen complete the Detour in 2nd place. They will be running much faster than Zev & Justin.
Jen’s field of knowledge is vey limited.
– Kent & Vyxsin continue to work together on this task.
VYXSIN: Honey, help me! This is really hard!
Wow. Vyxsin is on her own. Where the hell is Kent?
KENT: Alright, give it here.
VYXSIN: Just help me. We need to do it together.
Maybe Kent misread the clue and thought it was a relay race.
KENT: We need to make sure it’s the right place.
VYXSIN: Kent. It says the name. Stop being stupid.
Eh. The hotels could have swapped signs as a joke.
KENT: We have luggage to deliver. To you.
There goes Kent explaining what he is doing to an attendant again.
– Kent & Vyxsin’s bickering persists.
KENT: Do you need me to push it for a while?
VYXSIN: No, you’re bad at it.
KENT: No, I’m really good at it cause if I’m pushing then I’m not pulling.
Vyxsin tries to ignore Kent’s logic.
If Vyxsin is going to rely on anybody to push it good, it would be Salt n’ Pepa. It didn’t help when Kent couldn’t push it back nor work up a sweat.
– Globetrotters are at the Hotel Phoenix.
Please let this not be a metaphor for the Cowboys this round.
– Herb & Nate have now delivered sixteen bags.
Flight Time is having the same issues as Jen.
– Gary & Mallory find a lady at hotel reception who circles the locations of the other hotels for them.
Although one of the dots is obscured because Mallory wanted to draw a flower in purple crayon on it. Woops.
– Gary & Mallory have eight bags dropped off. Mallory is nervous about the U-Turn and Cowboys. Jet & Cord have five bags. Zev & Justin are walking.
JUSTIN: I’m going to be feeling that until Christmas.
NOTE: This episode aired in April. Therefore, viewers assumed that Justin meant he will be feeling the cheesy fondue for eight months. However, that is not the case. The task actually took place either at the end of November or early December, which means Justin projected feeling the effects of the fondue for only a few weeks.
Casual viewers are morons.
– Zev & Justin find the statue, but not the fountain.
They know they must be getting close.
– Kisha & Jen enter a taxi.
Into the Tag n’ Nacht you go!
– Zev & Justin ask for directions to the fountain. The local doesn’t know where it is even though the camera pans to it being about fifty feet behind Zev & Justin. They turn around and see it.
JUSTIN: Oh, look at it! Right behind us! We’re idiots.
I’d say the real idiot would be the guy who lives there and didn’t notice the Double U-Turn board invading the middle of his tiny town when he was directly facing it.
ZEV: Oh! Look at these goats!
The Chinese Zodiac still haunts Zev five rounds later.
JUSTIN: We choose not to U-Turn anybody.
ZEV: Except maybe these animals.
Zev really wants revenge on these goats for humiliating him in front of the Chinese Pope. Are you allowed to U-Turn random locals on the race?
“Eating a pot of fondue is one thing, but how am I going to deliver luggage? None of the hotels are going to let me in!
“Please don’t do it, Zev. I have a dairy allergy.”
– Justin says they are not U-Turning anybody because they are in the lead. He reads they must travel to the pit stop by electric taxi. I researched this beforehand, but all vehicles in Zermatt except garbage trucks and a couple of other vehicles must be electric powered. They don’t want smog to invade their precious mountains. It makes sense when tourism is 95% of their industry.
– Teams must make their way to the Moos Restaurant (which Phil pronounces as “Moe’s”).
PHIL: This Swiss Chalet at the base of the Alps is the pit stop for this leg of the race.
That’s not a Swiss Chalet. Are they stake holders in Moos or something?
Editors really want to get the joke across. Moos? Get it? Because that’s a sound a cow makes.
Where is the pit stop mat?
What are you doing way the hell over there? Get to the mat, Phil! There isn’t much time!
PHIL: The last team to check in -may- be eliminated.
*Must be eliminated. All three NELs have already been implemented. It is now a certainty, Phil.
– Zev & Justin ask a driver if he is an electric taxi.
What Justin doesn’t know is that he is the alfa male taxi driver in Zermatt.
JUSTIN: I feel bad for whoever gets U-Turned.
Unless it’s TAR 28, then they don’t get to feel bad for anyone.
– Kisha & Jen are second to the U-Turn board. They do not use the U-Turn for the same reason as Justin.
Jen had no interest in keeping the porter’s hat as a souvenir.
Jen bites her thumb at the porter uniform.
– Kisha interrogates a driver if he is indeed an electric taxi.
KISHA: I just had to double-check.
The driver is frightened. He was probably thinking she was an American cop who wanted to search the vehicle for the person locked in his trunk.
– Kent & Vyxsin are walking up the stairs with their luggage. Kent’s very bizarre voice returns.
KENT: You can’t take a luggage cart up these stairs, silly. C’mon.
(VYXSIN walks down stairs.)
Perhaps the cart is relatively light to transport.
(KENT sees VYXSIN walking down to the cart.)
KENT (full blown bizarre whiny voice in full effect): Nooooo! Vyxsin, come baaaaack. We don’t have to bring the cart upstaaaairs. Just set it on the bridge.
It is like an entirely different person has taken over the voice that comes out of Kent’s body.
– Kent & Vyxsin have delivered seventeen pieces of luggage. All they need to do is exit the building.
The lady at the desk asks if Kent is okay. The answer is probably no, but nobody will admit that.
VYXSIN: No, we need out.
Oh my word. Kent & Vyxsin are being thwarted by revolving doors.
KENT: You can’t push it. If you push it, it gets angry.
I really don’t want to know what the object is that Kent is referring to here.
Kent is not in the mood today.
Vyxsin will just have to use her imagination. Sigh.
– Justin has an announcement.
This is a step up from Oswald & Danny threatening to hug Phil with charcoal hands. Good luck dodging Justin’s projectile vomit.
– Zev & Justin exit the ELECTRIC taxi.
ZEV: Phil, I’m comin’ for ya!
Look out, Sir Kiwi.
– They hit the mat.
Justin’s vomit will wipe off that silly little smirk.
The pit stop greeter really needs to have her name subtitled like Marco did. I have no idea who she is.
She doesn’t know it yet, but Zev is about to make this a whole lot more awkward.
ZEV: It’s nice to fondue you.
Much like Justin, I was not prepared for that.
Zev needs to play FMK: Fondue-Marry-Kill. Phil Keoghan, Marco Buchel, and the Zermatti pit stop greeter.
Phil and the producers may have to pull Zev aside and define that statement as a Fondon’t.
– We pretend like nothing happens as Phil delivers the good news.
“You are team number one!”
FIRST PLACE: ZEV & JUSTIN
ZEV: Yaaaay! Fondue!
Don’t leave him hanging, Justin.
Hands go up.
Hands go down.
Hands go up.
JUSTIN: What was that?
– Phil informs them of their prize.
Wait, Zev has a pot on his head? Those must be the male Simpson genes kicking in.
– They have won a trip for two to Curacao. It includes swimming with playful dolphins.
I want to do everything in the brochure.
Do all three of them have to share? That gnome is hogging up the middle.
PHIL: Is this your fourth first?
JUSTIN: Our fourth first place. Unbelievable.
ZEV: We’re just in it for the fondue of it.
. . .
Justin loves cheesy comedy.
JUSTIN: It just feels like each leg things are clicking in a different way. Just keep in good spirits and staying positive. And eating a lot of cheese.
ZEV: You smell awful, by the way.
JUSTIN: Thank you.
Zev is ready to pass out from the stench any second.
– Kisha & Jen run onto the mat.
SECOND PLACE: KISHA & JEN
PHIL: Kisha & Jen, you got it. You are team number two. You’re good at picking numbers. *nervously laughs*
This is the longest mat chat Phil has had with Kisha & Jen all season long. No joke. Does he just have a really hard time talking to them? It’s weird.
– Globetrotters find another hotel and compliments how sweet the lady behind the desk is.
BIG EASY: Hey love, how ya doin’ sweetie? Thank you love, you’re so sweet.
Knowing the Swiss, she might be more into soccer players than she is into basketball players.
How is Flight Time’s hat not falling off?
– Jet & Cord are at a four star hotel.
That claim may be false.
– Jet & Cord and Gary & Mallory pass by each other. Cowboys have eleven pieces of luggage delivered. Gary & Mallory are up to sixteen.
I hear this hotel closes after just one year after opening up.
– Kent announces what he is doing at their final hotel. All twenty pieces of luggage has been delivered.
KENT: Hold on. I can’t run anymore.
At least they are done. The drama is no longer necessary.
KENT: This is the way.
Vyxsin has an idea.
VYXSIN: Just get in the cart. I’ll just carry you.
Kent is not seriously pondering this idea, is he?
This is like the Bobby Wheelbarrow from The Mole 5 levels of humiliation.
I know Kent is in the cart primarily because of a severe ankle injury that was not discussed on air, but this is still funny even with the deceptive editing.
VYXSIN: Alright. Hang on tight. If you fall off, I’ll be sad.
If Vyxsin bought the teddy bear secretly and throws it into Kent’s cart, she earns fifty points.
Let’s hit the town!
– Globetrotters have their final three pieces of luggage.
The Hotel Christiania.
Unfortunately, only one of the three pieces is accepted.
Hotel Christiania and Hotel Garni Christiania are two different hotels in the same town! What a country!
“These two are wrong.”
Adam from Workaholics has to come back and re-explain it to a very confused Flight Time.
That’s one way of putting it.
– Gary & Mallory are at the last hotel.
“Awe shucks. This task is almost over? Can’t I keep this uniform?”
– Jet & Cord pass by Gary & Mallory again. Jet asks Gary if they are heading the right way to a certain hotel. Gary confirms the direction for them.
NOTE: Gary helped Jet & Cord after Jet ditched him earlier in the day. Please keep this in mind as we will be getting to the really stupid casual fans momentarily.
– Kent & Vyxsin conclude the Detour.
In the best way I could possibly imagine.
You know what? Speed Bumps have been criticized for being ridiculously easy tasks. Everyone has been begging for a new NEL penalty (TAR 27 utilized the Handikap for Tanner & Josh which was a welcome change), and I think we have found it.
The team that comes in on a NEL must drag Kent around in cart throughout the following leg. Try coming in first place doing THAT, Jet & Cord.
VYXSIN: You’re fine. Just hang in there.
KENT: Thanks since my leg is injured.
VYXSIN: I know! You did great!
“Need me to unbuckle you and lift you out of the cart?”
“That is improper use of company equipment!”
– Kent counts the tickets aloud until he reaches twenty.
“Now we’re going to count to 100!”
“Can I have it?”
“Not until you say ‘please.'”
KENT: Kent & Vyxsin at your service!
I wonder what services those are?
– Kent & Vyxsin read the clue.
VYXSIN: Oh my god. We’ve already used up our U-Turn.
Here’s a flashback in case you have forgotten.
A time back when Kent could physically move on his own.
– Weird Wizard of Oz Kansas Tornado music plays as Flight Time & Big Easy have all twenty pieces of luggage. Jet & Cord are up to sixteen.
– Gary & Mallory deliver their twenty tickets.
I don’t know what the purpose of this shot is.
– Mallory applauds the porter when handing out their clue.
I bet it is the first time anyone has applauded a porter for his work.
– Globetrotters drop off their tickets. They are about to receive their clue and–
They are coming up as short as the Canadian Half Pints.
Big Easy is stunned.
This can’t be happening.
“Big Easy, do you know where the two tickets are?”
I love Flight Time is using Simpson Logic to solve this problem.
– They cannot find the tickets.
BIG EASY: I checked my own pockets. I gave you all that I got.
Flight Time doesn’t trust Big Easy’s pocket checking abilities.
– Finally, Flight Time confesses.
Big Easy is not impressed.
Flight Time does a recount. Perhaps Al Gore will be president after it is done.
Nope. Bush still wins.
When in doubt, check your crotch.
– Commercial break. We resume with Flight Time’s crotch examination completed.
– Big Easy takes a shot at changing the porter’s mind.
Yeah, it’s not going to work.
Oh my word.
The exact moment when Flight Time realizes the Cowboys will survive.
– Flight Time checks Big Easy’s pockets once more. They find two more bags to deliver to make up for the lost tickets.