The Amazing Race 18 Unfinished Business Episode Eight Rankings

Eighth Round

“Harry Potter Chicks and Vord Trapps” (Episode Blog #269)

COUNTRIES VISITED
—-

AUSTRALIA – JAPAN – CHINA – INDIA – AUSTRIA – LIECHTENSTEIN – SWITZERLAND – BRAZIL – UNITED STATES

Previously on TAR: Seven teams raced from Kolkata to Varanasi, India.

At the airport, Cowboys Jet & Cord dug themselves an early hole, but once in Varanasi, Cord’s fast feet kept him and Jet in the game. As Ron struggled at the Roadblock, Zev struggled with his surroundings.

Gary & Mallory took a moment to reflect. Flight Time & Big Easy came out on top while father and daughter Ron & Christina fell short.

Six teams remain; who will be eliminated next?

NUMBER OF TIMES MENTIONED IN THE ‘PREVIOUSLY ON TAR’ SEGMENT

GARY & MALLORY 4
FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY: 3
AMANDA & KRIS 2
MEL & MIKE 2
JAIME & CARA: 2
KENT & VYXSIN: 2
MARGIE & LUKE: 2
JET & CORD 2
RON & CHRISTINA 2
ZEV & JUSTIN 2
KISHA & JEN: 0 lol.

– Intro time.

– Phil introduces us to the Holy City of Varanasi. It is the religious centre of India since its birth more than three thousand years ago. The Ramnagar Fort, an 18th century fort, was the pit stop for the end of the last round.

vienna man

I have never said this before, but man, my forehead seems really lame by comparison. Not even my slight unibrow hairs can compete.

vienna fort

They ran out of pink paint about halfway through.

vienna trident

A trident on top of a fort overlooking the water? You would think Poseidon is the King of the Ganges.

vienna phil keoghan

I wish Phil would casually throw a tejo to see if he could knock off the trident.

– Flight Time & Big Easy, who arrived at an unspecified time, will depart at 2:07am.

vienna globetrotters

Well, that’s one way to ensure everyone takes the same morning flight to the next route marker. There is no way 2:07am was their departure time based upon when they arrived at the last pit stop.

– Flight Time reads they must fly to Vienna, Austria.

PHIL: Teams must leave the Varanasi heat and fly to a city more than forty degrees colder–Vienna, Austria!

FORTY DEGREES?!
vienna varanasi

The birds that hit the water are actually dead in Varanasi.

vienna statue

This isn’t a statue in Vienna. Oh no. They actually froze to death like Jasper at the Kwik-E-Mart. Global warming needs to kick it up a notch and unthaw them back to life!
.
.
.
Oh right. This is an American TV show. Phil is talking about the drop in Fahrenheit rather than Celsius.

PHIL: When they land, they must choose a brand new 2012 Ford Focus and get their next clue.

Geez. These shots are like an adult film for car mechanics. You just want to get inside of that thing, don’t you?

It is sad that driving yourself on the US version of The Amazing Race has already become a thing of the past. I bet the new millennial viewers for TAR 28 are not even aware that you could even do this on The Amazing Race.

burnie ashley

You don’t even need a driver’s license to be on The Amazing Race anymore. I am sure all of the fans criticizing the intrusive Ford advertisement on self-drive legs are regretting that now.

– The Globetrotters enter a cab.

vienna varanasi animals

Not before passing by an animal hostel, though. The next day they shall be taking a train to continue on with their backpacking adventures!

FLIGHT TIME: Austria? That’s where The Terminator is from!

And just like anybody who grew up listening to the Detective John Kimball prank phone calls, Flight Time immediately breaks out his Ahnold impression.

FLIGHT TIME: We are very excited to be getting out of India.

vienna flight time big easy

Big Easy laughs just as much as the elementary school students that Flight Time lectures when he uses his Ahnold voice.

vienna flight time big easy 2

“If you U-Turn us, I will take this cookie and RAM IT INTO YOUR STOMACH!

BIG EASY: So we’re gonna have to hear the Schwarzenegger voice the whole time?

vienna flight time big easy 3

I think Flight Time’s grin gives us the answer.

FLIGHT TIME: Yes. I’ll be back but not to India hopefully.

vienna man 2

“I speak English, motherf–ker.”

vienna flight time big easy 4

It’s going to be a -very- long round for Big Easy. Especially when Flight Time’s impression isn’t even that strong.

NOTE: One of my co-workers is a German woman that is my age, and the primary person we talk to outside of our department is a middle-aged man who goes back to Germany at least twice a year. Whenever he comes in we always talk in Ahnold accents and make World War II references the whole time.

Needless to say there has never been a conversation with him where both of my bosses are unable to keep a straight face.

– Zev & Justin start in 2nd place at 2:12am. Justin reads that they -must- go to a travel agency. I guess this rule only applies to specific provinces within India.

vienna zev justin

Is it really cold enough in India for a toque?

super mario world door

And why is the door for the fort modeled after the boss room door in Super Mario World?

– Globetrotters find a travel agency.

vienna globetrotters 2

Needless to say it has a much more official appearance than the travel agency stalls in Kolkata.

– Zev & Justin are at the same travel agency as the Globetrotters.

JUSTIN: Helloooooo.

vienna justin kanew

“Helloooooo. Happy windsday, Owl.”

vienna flight time

Flight Time is clearly more of a Terminator fan than a Winnie the Pooh fan.”

– Zev & Justin go to the adjacent counter.

JUSTIN: Varanasi to Vienna. Same as them.
ZEV: But faster.

vienna zev justin 1

“We all want the exact same tickets to the concert as our friends, but can you put us two rows closer to the front of the stage?”

vienna flight time 1

If they keep this up, Flight Time will have no choice but to chase down Justin Connor.

– Kisha & Jen depart third at 2:53am.

KISHA: Make your way to the parking lot and choose a marked 2012 Ford Focus.

vienna kisha jen hoffman

“Choose a marked 2012 Ford Focus with its roomy interior, sun roof, built-in MP3 player and–hey, wait a second. Is this really a necessary part of the clue, guys?”

– Jen says she enjoys running the race with her sister.

vienna kisha jen hoffman 1

As long as it’s a round where Jen doesn’t need help from locals on things that aren’t Snapple bottles.

– Jen rambles on about how they have been closer because they were raised by a single mom, and took care of each other.

JEN: This is my blood. This is my sister. So I can’t get rid of her, per se.

vienna kisha jen hoffman 2

You can’t get rid of her, but you can choose to ignore her and send all of her GIFs and e-mail forwards of Justin Bieber getting slapped in the face to the Junk folder automatically.

– Wow. Jen got the first confessional of the episode. That’s not going to happen again.

– By the way, Kisha & Jen don’t have much of a reaction to flying to Austria. You would think after repeating China and India over the past four rounds, they would be grateful for a new country.

vienna wiki

LOL. Congratulations are in order for Kisha & Jen. In their return to The Amazing Race, they get to re-visit all of the same countries but in reverse order!

And this is the season which had five teams brought back. Did producers not think this through at all?

– Gary & Mallory commence at 3:30am.

vienna gary mallory ervin 3

“Vienna? Yay!”

vienna gary mallory ervin 1

MALLORY: Is it cold there?
GARY: Yes.

vienna gary mallory ervin 2

MALLORY: Rats!

Wow. Japan, China, India, and now Austria has been publicly crapped upon by at least one team in each of the episodes.

– You want another round with a Gary & Mallory flashback? Well, Mallory reminds us that leg eight is what eliminated them from TAR 17.

MALLORY: We’re at that leg that did us in last time. Finish Line is fresh in our minds. We want to be the ones runnin’ instead of the ones on the sidelines clappin’.

vienna gary mallory ervin 5

Your elimination is a happy memory?

vienna gary ervin

“And you’re telling me -this- is where I can find Jodi Wincheski’s hideout to be invited back for next season?”

MALLORY:
Dear Mary Full of Grace,
Help us Find this Place,

vienna mallory ervin

My Hands are Shoved Against my Face,
Please Guide us to Ensure we do not Lose this Faithful Race.

vienna gary mallory ervin 6

Good times when thinking back to finishing just ten minutes behind Nat & Kat after a day that lasted over sixteen hours.

– I would hate to start my day at 3:30.

vienna gary mallory ervin 4

“It’s too earlyyyyy.”

– Jet & Cord start the day in fifth at 3:35am. They talk about dodging a bullet, but doubtful they can do it again. They tell the taxi driver to go to the same travel agency (Akhbar Travels). I presume this was a required location.

vienna cord mccoy

The taxi driver is going to great lengths to not be filmed on television. How can he see the road?!

vienna taxi driver

Oh. It’s just a seat cover. I suppose the purpose of the towel wrapping the seat is to absorb all of the sweat from driving around Varanasi each day.

JET: I think the Cowboys are ready to get out of India. We’re done playing Cowboys and Indians.

vienna jet cord mccoy

A zinger which will become all too familiar once Leo & Jamal battle them.

vienna jet cord mccoy 1

Yep. This isn’t even close to being the end of our travels with Jet & Cord.

– Kent & Vyxsin bring up the rear at 3:44am. Vyxsin points out she and Kent are the last dating couple left.

australia starting line

Actually, they were the only dating couple cast in this entire season. Unless Margie & Luke, Ron & Christina, or Mel & Mike are committing incest, or Jaime & Cara both realized they swing the other way, Kent & Vyxsin earn this title by default.

VYXSIN: A romantic relationship is a little bit different. It can get to a point where you’re like “GET AWAY FROM ME! AAAAAAH.”

vienna kent vyxsin

Please show footage if Vyxsin ever turns into that during an argument.

vienna kent vyxsin 1

This relationship is already getting a bit cold between the two of them–which is fitting that they are going to Vienna!

– We cut back to the travel agency.

vienna flight time big easy 5

In an unusual move by editors, the laptop is blurred out. Is there top secret sensitive information that puts India’s national security at risk if exposed to America?

– The agent informs them the connection via Delhi will get them in at 6:00am. Flight Time follows it up with asking if there is an earlier one.

– Turns out there is an additional connection in Mumbai that gets in at 5:35am.

vienna globetrotters 3

That’s good. Real good.

vienna big easy justin

Big Easy gets his TAR 15 compadres to get on board.

– We cut to Kisha & Jen in another room of the same freakin’ travel agency.

vienna trailblazer

But first, a message from our sponsours.

nba jam trailblazers

I personally think the TrailBlazers of Portland would be more welcome around the Harlem Globetrotters in this travel agency.

clyde drexler

But not so much on Dancing With the Stars.

clyde drexler 2

Yeah, I don’t think Clyde likes talking about that experience.

vienna kisha jen hoffman 3

The Varanasi TrailBlazers get the job done, though.

vienna kisha jen hoffman 4

Now it’s just a matter of sitting around.

– Well, that is until Gary & Mallory show up.

MALLORY: Quickest arrival. Same as them.
KISHA: They want to get in very very very late.

vienna mallory kisha jen

“Are they being serious? I feel like I am being tricked again for some reason.”

MALLORY: Uh. . .No.
(Cue KISHA laugh.)

vienna kisha jen mallory

KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 6

Kisha is in a good mood today.

– Mallory does an awkward imitation of Kisha’s laugh unintentionally.

GARY (to the agent): We want to get in before them.

vienna mallory ervin 1

Especially when Mallory is showing signs that Kisha’s laugh is contagious.

– Jet & Cord also arrive at the travel agency. Zev & Justin are seated directly behind them.

vienna jet cord mccoy 2

. . .Then Delhi to Mumbai before heading to Vienna. We know.

vienna jet cord mccoy 3

Wait, what?

vienna jet cord mccoy 4

Finally. A movie where the Indian is the hero and the Cowboy is the villain.

vienna jet cord zev justin

With only NEL left for the whole season, Zev & Justin need to keep their mouth shut to preserve this 25 minute jump on Jet & Cord.

– But then something weird happens. Jet says they declined every flight that has two or more connections prior to arriving at Vienna.

JET: Every flight that gets there earlier has two connections. Every flight we’ve been on in this country has been delayed by twenty thirty-five minutes. I don’t know if it’s worth the risk. You can lose thirty minutes anywhere, but we’re going to roll the dice.

vienna jet cord mccoy 5

Okay, let’s press the ‘pause’ button on this.

This is REALLY stupid logic given the current scenario. Think about it.

Jet & Cord know all of the other teams are on the Varanasi – Delhi – Mumbai – Vienna flight together. No one has a head start. No one has a deficit.

If your flight gets in early, you all get in early.
If your flight gets delayed, you all get delayed.

There is absolutely no reason for Jet & Cord to skip this flight. Particularly when it is in favour of choosing a flight that is most likely going to put them TWENTY-FIVE minutes behind all other teams.

It makes zero sense. The whole point of TAR is to not be last until the final round of play. Here the name of the game is just to ensure you are not last, and Jet & Cord are going out of their way to ensure this happens.

Why are they doing this? If they catch up and survive just like they did in the last leg, their threat level to the other teams significantly increases. If they don’t catch up, they’re out of the race.

It is like Jet & Cord are wanting to show off that they are so damn good that they can overcome every setback thrown at them, and know in the final edit that the silly ‘cowboy’ theme will play and this will become a huge storyline for the episode on TV. And that my friends, is just plain ridiculous.

vienna agency

Unbelievable.

vienna flight time 3

Flight Time can’t help but smirk; Jet lightly nods.

vienna jet mccoy

“We may be knocked off the saddle, but the drama on TV will keep the casual fans on the edge of their seats!”

– Kent & Vyxsin are outside of the travel agency.

VYXSIN: We gotta pay our taxi.
KENT: I need the light. I cannot see.
VYXSIN: I really wanna go outside–
KENT: I cannot see.
VYXSIN: Kent–
KENT: I can only do it so fast.

vienna kent vyxsin 2

I never thought Kent & Vyxsin would be the team to reprise one of Teri & Ian’s TAR 3 arguments. Kent nearly got it verbatim.

Unbeknownst to Kent & Vyxsin, there is a new development.

vienna vyxsin fiala 2

vienna vyxsin fiala 3

vienna vyxsin fiala

The classic TAR soundtrack, I think it is called “Somebody’s Watching Me” on the CD, begins to play.

rockwell watching me

At least he is more disguised than the freakin’ Greek statue standing behind Rockwell in daylight. How does Rockwell not see him?!

KENT: I can only do it so fast.

If only Michael Scott was Kent’s teammate.

vienna kent kaliber

It should be noted that Kent is thumbing through the Rupee notes in a slow manner.

– Kent & Vyxsin make it into the agency.

vienna kent vyxsin 3

And Vyxsin’s patience may be a bit limited today.

KENT: Let’s get it together here. Don’t pinch me.
VYXSIN: Don’t talk to me.
KENT: I’ll step on your head. I don’t care.
VYXSIN: I’ll kick you in the head.

vienna kent vyxsin 4

This is like something out of a piece of Andy Samberg dialogue.

hot rod samberg.jpg

“I am going to get you better, then I am going to BEAT YOU TO DEATH!”

vienna mallory ervin 2

This is already better than any movie offered on all three plane rides over the next twenty-four hours.

VYXSIN (quietly): Let’s just get this booked. Let him concentrate and not bicker in front of people.

vienna kent vyxsin 5

It’s like Kent just got scolded by his mother.

vienna kent vyxsin 6

He won’t even get to use his phone until he gets his homework done for the night.

KENT: Let’s get this booked. I don’t know. I don’t care.

vienna kent vyxsin 7

Apathy is the only way to squash a dispute in a relationship.

vienna gary ervin 1

If the Double Express Pass twist were in play, I know who would be the recipient for this season.

– Kent & Vyxsin, after Vyxsin recovered from Kent stomping on her face, book the 5:35am flight.

KENT: We have a flight arriving at 5:35am which is the earliest possibility.
VYXSIN: With the rest of the teams. Yaaaaay.

vienna kent vyxsin 8

“Even -we- got on this flight!”

– Sunrise. Gary points out that the Cowboys are the only ones not on this flight. Everyone boards the plane.

vienna flight time big easy 6

Flight Time flashes a sign for the camera. I have no idea what that means. Five fingers means five teams are on the plane? Or he is trying to say “GET TO THE CHOPPA!”

– Plane takes off.

– We cut to Jet & Cord heading into the airport.

CORD: We are Lone Rangers once again.

vienna jet cord mccoy 6

That’s why they did it. Jesus. I have heard of various reality TV characters going out of their way to reinforce their self-affixed label, but this is going to an extreme.

vienna jet cord mccoy 7

Jet & Cord are taking this narrative to a place where the sun don’t shine.

CORD: We’re either gonna lose big or win big.
JET: Either way we go big.

Ugh. “Nobody plays this race like us!” Such a Hantz mentality.

– TAR 4 soundtrack plays as the other five teams land in Vienna.

– Everyone runs to the parking lot. Kent & Vyxsin are first to the clue.

KENT: Get into gear! Climb into a 2012 Ford Focus where Phil will tell you what you need to know!

vienna kent vyxsin 9

How is Phil going to tell them? Is it going to be a different Phil? Dr. Phil? Phil Davis?

VYXSIN: Listen! You can hear him! He’s in there!

vienna vyxsin fiala 4

Is he actually trapped? Is Phil Keoghan, the host of The Amazing Race, locked inside of a 2012 Ford Focus?

vienna phil keoghan 1

“Help, Vyxsin! I’ve been kidnapped and thrown into this 2012 Ford Focus trunk! To open the trunk, all it takes is the press of a button to reveal this roomy and cushiony space! It also can function as a tent for those outdoor adventures on the road!

PHIL: Alright, teams. You’ll be getting your next clue from the new MyFord Touch system.

vienna kent vyxsin 10

Saaaaaay whaaaaaat? We need to know more!

vienna kent kaliber 1

Kent is very intrigued.

PHIL: So to figure out where you need to go next, simply put the car in reverse to automatically activate the back-up camera.

vienna schloss

Or just simply walk behind your car, but that would be too easy.

vienna focus 5

Look at that state-of-the-art back-up camera!

PHIL: By the way, the winners of this leg will win a 2012 Ford Focus. That’s one for each of you. So get to work.
VYXSIN: . . .Okay, good.

Wow. The 2012 Ford Focus is like a slightly less sh–ty version of the Pontiac Aztec.

vienna phil keoghan 2

“If you don’t show enough enthusiasm or screw up being able to properly operate this vehicle, it will be taxis for the rest of your days. Insurance costs are just too damn high for us without a sponsourship.”

vienna kent vyxsin 11

Vyxsin casually doodling during the prize announcement is certainly not helping matters.

– Vyxsin writes down the letters as Kent drives it in reverse. Yeah, this is not a very exciting task.

vienna spelling

Ford sponsours Spelling Bees too.

– Zev & Justin are second to the clue.

vienna justin kanew 2

Electronic Phil creeps out Justin.

– Kisha & Jen are third into the car. Kisha begins to back it up, unlike Vyxsin.

lil jon ying yang twins.jpg

Not like that, Lil Jon.

vienna kisha hoffman

This is the closest we’re ever going to get to that happening.

– Gary takes the wheel as well as Big Easy.

– Vyxsin screams at Kent to slow down. The tires screech.

VYXSIN: Okay–hold it! Slow down!
KENT: You told me to go!
VYXSIN: Go back slowly so I can make sure that’s right.
KENT: I am!

vienna kent vyxsin 12

It doesn’t matter who is driving between them. There will always be issues.

– Mallory has less of a reaction to the notion of a free car rather than a bottle of Snapple. Hilarious.

– The Globetrotters start spelling out the location.

vienna globetrotters 4

If you can find a way to create a shortcut for yourself on The Amazing Race, do it.

vienna globetrotters 5

Although it does come with a risk. To the Schloss Schloss you go, Globetrotters!

– Zev & Justin complete the toughest active route info in TAR history.

vienna schloss schallaburg

Schloss Schallaburg? That’s the most German name I have ever heard.

vienna schloss schallaburg 1

Teams must now drive to this castle.

vienna lady

Which apparently is the Community College for Hogwarts.

vienna clue

Damn you, producers. You spoiled us the location of the following route marker!

vienna focus 6

By the way, Ford has a strong commitment to safety on the road.

– Zev tells Justin that they are leaving in first.

vienna zev justin 2

Justin may question that because this was literally a one-dimensional task.

No, really. The entire task took place on a straight line which stretches about ten metres. This really is a one-dimensional task.

vienna kent kaliber 2

Kent & Vyxsin were in the lead for a grand total of twenty seconds today. Everyone will want them in the Final Three after screwing up the simplest task thrown at them thus far.

– Vyxsin figures out.

VYXSIN: Wunderbar!
KENT: I love this Ford Focus.

vienna kent vyxsin 13

Wunderbar AND Ford plugs? Kent & Vyxsin are rapidly becoming sellouts.

– Kisha & Jen complete the task. Jen furthers the promotional campaign.

vienna car

Yeah right, Jen. We know deep down you want nothing more than a lifetime supply of mango flavoured Snapple.

– Gary has Old Man Syndrome as he struggles with the touch screen.

vienna gary mallory ervin 7

“We don’t have Atari gadgets like this in Kentucky.”

vienna gary ervin 2

“Where’s the ‘any’ key, Mall?”

GARY: Is this it?
MALLORY (sad): No.
GARY: Gah hell.

vienna gary ervin 3

This is the most I have seen Gary struggle with a task in his sixteen leg run.

– Globetrotters have the right answer. Flight Time pronounces ‘Schloss Schallaburg’ as ‘Skloss Skallaburg’. He did so without a Terminator voice.

– Gary sees the Globetrotters pulling out.

MALLORY: Oh no!
GARY: We’re just missing it!

Gary is getting unusually frustrated.

vienna mallory ervin 3

The lead is slipping away.

vienna jet cord mccoy 8

Nevermind. It has fully slipped.

MALLORY: So it’s not something on there?
GARY: I don’t see it.

vienna mallory ervin 4

Mallory’s pigtails weep.

vienna gary mallory ervin 8

Gary is ready to murder a 2012 Ford Focus.

GARY: It doesn’t do it. We can’t go anywhere.

vienna gary ervin 4

Gary is clearly gesturing towards producers.

MALLORY: Dad!
GARY: Bad start!

vienna gary ervin 5

More like no start.

– Commercial break. We resume Gary’s fight with technology in the parking lot. He listens to Phil’s tutorial.

PHIL: If you don’t get it on the first attempt, drive forward to your starting position, put the car in reverse, and you’ll automatically activate the back-up camera again.

vienna phil keoghan 3

“Please don’t screw this up, Gary. We are counting on Ford’s support.”

vienna gary mallory ervin 9

Just like in video game design, you know it has become too complicated if it requires a tutorial level.

– Gary follows the tutorial and realize the letters were written on the ground rather than the navigation system.

– Jet & Cord are in the parking lot alone and are shown completing the task instantly.

– Zev & Justin stop at a gas station. Kent & Vyxsin enter behind them.

vienna zev justin 3

A lot of people are out and about at six in the morning getting their early coffee.

vienna justin kanew 3

Kent & Vyxsin have no choice but to wait patiently as Justin receives proper directions.

– Kent & Vyxsin approach the same man after Zev & Justin exit.

KENT: Excuse me, can you show us the same place please?

vienna vyxsin fiala 5

vienna kent vyxsin 15

He is getting gang banged for directions.

– Kisha & Jen join Kent & Vyxsin. Kisha asks Vyxsin if she can use her map, but Vyxsin says she is paying for her own map. Kisha & Jen ask the same guy for directions and buy a map as well.

KENT: Do you understand the directions?
VYXSIN: Yes.
KENT: You got it pretty well?
VYXSIN: It’s pretty good, yeah.
KENT: Good job, baby.

As long as Vyxsin doesn’t confirm the directions with her compass, they should be safe.

vienna map

vienna map 2

After helping out half of the teams, he can finally enjoy his morning coffee. Sheesh.

– Globetrotters enter a random hotel.

vienna globetrotters 6

Although it looks more like a rich person’s kitchen.

FLIGHT TIME: So Schloss Schallaburg is a town?

vienna flight time 4

“Do I get a cookie?”

MAN: No. Schloss means castle.

vienna flight time 5

“Oh. Next time I’ll just keep my guesses to myself.”

vienna map 3

The Globetrotters’ journey is sponsoured by Ford and Google Maps.

– Gary & Mallory enter the exact same gas station as the other three teams, but from somebody else. He must have had enough sense to finish his coffee and run.

MALLORY (opera voice): We’re on our way to the castle. We’re going to the castlllllle.

vienna mallory ervin 5

Some people prefer a morning coffee, but Gary prefers a morning headache. Enjoy the opera for the whole drive to Schloss Schallaburg!

– Jet & Cord attempt to scale the driver’s side of a semi-truck to get directions.

vienna cord mccoy 1

“Should I get a bit closer to hear you?”

vienna cord mccoy 2

“Does this make you feel uncomfortable?”

– Zev & Justin find the road to the castle.

ZEV: I don’t like the cold weather. This is not going to be good.

You don’t like the Japanese. You don’t like China. You don’t like water. You don’t like the noise in India. You don’t like tasting tea. You don’t like the Chinese Pope.

What -do- you like, Zev?

vienna justin kanew 4

At least Justin planned ahead to grow a beard for warmth.

vienna zev glassenberg 1

Zev regrets not doing so.

– Zev & Justin park the car.

ZEV: Do we have to run up this hill? I feel like Rocky.

The comparison may be a bit of a stretch, Zev.

vienna run

rocky run

And Rocky didn’t even have a toque to wear.

rocky run 2

But he did have the cast of Family Edition supporting him.

– After Zev celebrates at the top of the hill, they stumble upon the courtyard.

vienna castle

This is a cool setup.

– A soundtrack begins that resembles a film adaptation of a Shakespeare play.

vienna witch

“Come forth and I shall turn this cauldron into a toad!”

vienna zev justin 4

“Remember this spell,
remember it well.”

vienna witch 1

“Would you like this copy of Hogwarts: A History?”

– Zev & Justin see the inside cover that lists the national library.

ZEV: Do we go here?

vienna library

A subtitle appears as if it is confirming Zev’s assumption. Phil was too lazy to introduce the location himself.

By the way, how cold is it there? Look at how chilly Justin’s breath is when he exhales!

– Justin implores Zev to move faster but I think this is audio stolen from another episode, and doesn’t actually apply to this scene.

JUSTIN: We didn’t have to do much thee; we just had to grab a book from chick from Harry Potter.

vienna woman

“You’re making fun of -me- for dressing up as a Harry Potter character?!”

vienna justin kanew 5

“I’m not the one wearing the Gryffindor toque!”

– Kent & Vyxsin and Kisha & Jen take a casual stroll up the trail.

KENT: Let’s help each other find it.

Kisha & Jen are wise to trail behind Kent. History from this season dictates that Kent is not much for keeping to his word when it involves alliances.

KENT: Here it is! It looks special!

vienna kent vyxsin 16

snl church lady

Since when did Kent become the Church Lady?

KENT: Look! There’s a special man!

vienna kent vyxsin 17

He even points too. There are so many things wrong with this.

a) Kent is pointing at somebody who he thinks is mentally challenged.

b) That’s not a man.

vienna woman 2

I think either Avada Kedavra or the Cruciatus curse may be in order.

KENT: Go up! Let’s go visit him! He looks nice.

vienna stairs

Kent has never been this excited all season long. He shall be disappointed once he reaches the top of the stairs.

vienna group

The special man doesn’t even look at Kent.

vienna vyxsin fiala 6

Those might be the biggest earmuffs I have ever seen in my life.

– Kisha & Jen get out of the castle before Kent & Vyxsin.

KENT (whisper): Faster. We’re going down the hill.

Why is there a need to whisper? Kisha & Jen have already run ahead of you.

– Vyxsin tells Kent to go back the way they came, and are off.

– Globetrotters are fourth to Hogwarts. They are also mildly annoyed by having to go back the way they came.

vienna globetrotters 7

Big Easy does not like being cold.

– Gary & Mallory pull up as they see the Globetrotters run out. Mallory sounds like a cranky ten year old when she talks about always wanting to see a castle.

vienna mallory ervin 6

Which I guess isn’t too much of a stretch.

– Big Easy informs them that they are not last. Gary & Mallory see the witch in the castle.

vienna gary mallory ervin 10

One hand up in the air at a slight angle as she stands from a balcony? That’s a page taken straight out of another Austrian I know.

– Gary & Mallory retreat back to their car.

vienna gary mallory ervin 11

MALLORY: You okay, Dad?
GARY: Yeah.

vienna gary mallory ervin 12

Mallory doesn’t believe him.

– Jet & Cord make it to the castle alone without a team in sight.

vienna jet cord mccoy

“I wonder who wrote this? Oh, is that not important?”

JET: There’s no way there is somebody behind us.

No kidding.

CORD: Jet and I have been making a habit of starting in last. You can’t survive and win the million dollars.

vienna cord mccoy 3

A habit which you voluntarily chose to adopt–it’s like the equivalent of smoking cigarettes on The Amazing Race. Sure, it makes you look cool in front of your peers, but is it really the best thing for your personal health in the race?

– Kent & Vyxsin’s antics resume.

VYXSIN: OK, what’s this?
KENT: This isn’t anything.

vienna vyxsin fiala 7

Grrrrr.

VYXSIN: I said ‘take your first turn’. You didn’t do it.
KENT: I know, but you didn’t point it out to me until it was too late for me to turn.

vienna kent kaliber 3

Grrrr.

VYXSIN: I just need you to quit acting like a chick, and maybe just go in like a problem solving mode, and not like emotional ‘me blaming’ mode.

I should note it is International Women’s Day as I write about this scene.

vienna kent vyxsin 18

‘Me blaming’ mode comes right before ‘We breaking up’ mode.

– We cut to the National Library.

 

But first, classic scenic B-Roll.

vienna horses

And next on our tour, these are the very horses which witnessed Millie punching DK in the mouth to grab a ticket for the fiacre.

ZEV: Where’s the library?
JUSTIN: That’s what we got to find.

vienna zev glassenberg 2

Zev just became the latest victim in Justin’s subtle sarcasm.

vienna library 1

Now that’s a library.

vienna statue 1

Is that a statue of a seal? I didn’t know they had seals in Vienna.

– Kisha & Jen are second to the library.

vienna library 2

Geez. My library suddenly seems lame.

vienna ceiling

Nothing like a good ol’ fresco in the library.

vienna beethoven.jpg

Beethoven gazes into your soul. . .or maybe he is some elderly drunk guy. I dunno.

vienna globe

If you played the “Where Am I Going to Live?” game with this globe, chances are you wil be moving somewhere just north of the equator.

ZEV: Who is this guy? He looks helpful.

vienna zev justin 5

I have encountered strange people in the library, but a man with a treasure chest on his back may be a first.

– Justin gives him the book.

vienna justin kanew 6

I would laugh so hard if he just starts biting off the pages in the book and spits them onto the floor.

vienna man 3

The chick from Harry Potter is not only not the biggest nerd they have encountered, but not even the biggest nerd they have met this morning.

vienna clue 1

The unaired task here is that he would retrieve the clue if you were able to go longer than ten seconds without yelling ‘NERRRRRRD’.

– Detour. Long Hard Walk or Quick And Easy Meal?

Better than the confusing “Work Bench” and “Bench Work”.

vienna detour

Long Hard Walk is one of the options?

dewey cox

I didn’t know Dewey Cox was Viennese.

vienna phil keoghan 4

Oh, Phil is too good for a library, but he is willing to explain the Detour.

PHIL: The people of Vienna have made countless contributions to almost every aspect of European culture.

The same can’t be said about the people of Riga. They haven’t done sh-t.

– Teams will experience two things Vienna is famous for.

In Long Hard Walk, they will go to the museum which was the former home of author Sigmund Freud. They must transport a couch one mile to the University of Vienna where Freud once lectured. Once delivered, they will receive their next clue.

In Quick & Easy Meal, teams head to the Wiener Riesenrad which is a giant Ferris Wheel made famous in the Orson Welles film “The Third Man” (I think this was parodied in The Simpsons episode where Bart and Lisa tail Homer and Marge on a holiday).

Anyways, they pick up two local meals and deliver them to a dining cart. Accompanied by traditional Viennese music, they must eat all of the food within one twelve minute rotation of the Ferris Wheel. If they complete the task, the next clue is theirs.

vienna frued

Question: When do the lasers start shooting out of his eyes?

vienna freud

If you’re a motherlover, he’s also a motherlover. You can gather what his suggestion will be.

vienna couch

“Pivot! Pivot!”

vienna couch 2

They should have to memorize that entire phrase. If you’re wrong, you have to carry the couch back to get a second glance.

vienna man 4

Since when did Dan Miragliotta become a clue giver on The Amazing Race?

vienna plates

As somebody who walks to Subway, eats a foot long sub, and returns back to work all within my thirty minute break, I can assure you that quantity of food would be no problem for me.

Well, except for the stupid meat involved.

vienna ferris wheel

I personally prefer the High Roller in Vegas.

high roller

At least there they let you drink however much you want while on board, and give you thirty minutes rather than a measly twelve to enjoy it.

vienna ferris wheel 2

The number ‘4’? Is that a clue to the identity of The Mole?

vienna music

Look at how unimpressed she is by the violinist on board.

rihanna dont stop the music

Please just stop the–please just stop the–please just stop the music.

vienna man 5

If Ray Liotta chose to age naturally without plastic surgery.

– Zev & Justin decide to eat. They run into an incoming Kisha & Jen.

KISHA: Let’s eat.
JEN: How do we know how big the meal is?
KISHA: It don’t care. We got twelve minutes to eat.

vienna kisha jen hoffman 5

That time when Kisha thinks about if production would troll her with a gigantic plate like at All You Can Eat steakhouses in the middle of Texas. Eat in less than twelve minutes and your meal is free!

– Kent & Vyxsin and Flight Time & Big Easy pull into the library parking lot at roughly the same time.

vienna flight time big easy 7

Did we already mention how much Big Freezy hates the cold?

VYXSIN: You guys want to do this together.

Man. Kent & Vyxsin are really hoping to build alliances this late into the game.

– Gary & Mallory are shown pulling in seconds later.

vienna gary mallory ervin

Gary looks like a ninety year old when driving.

– Gary & Mallory enter a library.

MALLORY (hushed voice): Wowwww. It’s a beautiful library.

vienna gary mallory ervin 14

It’s not even eight o’ clock in the morning. I doubt you have to worry about many people being inside.

– Gary wants to do Quick & Easy Meal.

GARY: We can eat that. I’ll eat mine and half of yours.

vienna gary mallory ervin 15

Geez. That’s the most Dad-like quote I have ever had. This is what happens every time my father and mother go out to a restaurant together.

MALLORY: Which one you want to do? I don’t want you mad at me.
GARY: That’s what we’re gonna do. We just have to hurry.

Mallory is tiny. I doubt she has the appetite of a Gilmore Girl.

– So how did they pass the Globetrotters and Kent & Vyxsin?

This is what happens when followers work together. It’s the blind leading the blind!

– Kent & Vyxsin and Flight Time & Big Easy have split up. Shortest alliance ever? Both teams have yet to find the library.

KENT: Vyxsin! Look! Look at these words please!

vienna kent vyxsin 19

“This one has five syllables! Aren’t you impressed by that?”

– Zev & Justin and Kisha & Jen board a train. Kisha & Jen discuss their upcoming meal.

vienna kisha jen hoffman 8

As soon as Jen said those words, she knew editors were going to subtitle it.

KISHA: I bet you it’s going to be humongous.
JEN: I told you!

vienna kisha jen hoffman 7

Note to self: The only way for Kisha & Jen to get airtime is if they talk about eating humongous wieners.

– Globetrotters find the backpack librarian and decide to move the couch.

vienna flight time big easy 8

How confident are Flight Time & Big Easy that they can beat Kent & Vyxsin this leg?

vienna flight time big easy 9

Well. . .

vienna flight time big easy kent vyxsin

They are so confident that Flight Time is willing to piss away their lead.

NOTE: I swear libraries contain the most urine of any structure in town.

– Kent is amazed by the number of books.

vienna book

As long as it is from the Gothic era, that is.

– Kent & Vyxsin receive the clue from the backpack librarian. He flips the clue over as it is accompanied by a cheesy sound effect.

vienna librarian

“All I have is an envelope.”

vienna librarian 2

“Oh wait, it’s your clue. What? What? I’m a f–king wizard.”

– Vyxsin opts to move a couch.

kunming kent kaliber 7She clearly has not learned that Kent sucks at transporting objects up and down stairs.

– Kisha & Jen exit the train. They run slightly ahead of Zev & Justin.

ZEV: Don’t. Throw. Up.

vienna spin

At least you don’t have to eat your meal on this.

vienna dog

Ah. I wonder if that dog is wearing a FitBit?

– Kisha & Jen grab their meals.

JEN: This is. Like. Crazy.

vienna kisha jen hoffman 6

If it is any consolation, this food is of higher quality than the Sloppy Joe’s in the school cafeteria.

– Jen requests ketchup; there is no response. The latch to the cart closes.

vienna latch

No one gets in.

vienna latch 2

No one gets out.

vienna food

The good news is producers do not have to give you as much money to buy food for this leg of the race. Got to slash those costs!

vienna kisha hoffman 2

Kisha keeps her face about two inches above her plate. That is indeed the proper food shovelling technique!

vienna kisha jen hoffman 9

This is the worst gig for a musician ever.

“If they are too focused on the food, they won’t be listening to my music–I need to get closer! Spread the word! Follow me @vienneseviolinferriswheelplayer!”

– Zev & Justin see their plates.

JUSTIN: Oh boy, Zev. This is a lot of schnitzel, dude. If we won’t do this, we have to hike a mile with a couch with this food in our belly.

vienna zev justin 6

And judging by that big slice of cake, you’ll collapse before the mile walk is over thanks to an epic sugar crash.

JUSTIN: There’s only do; there is no try right now.

vienna zev justin 7

“Did he just quote Star Wars? I know his dad was apart of the production for Revenge of the Nerds, but this is too much.”

vienna violin

Unfortunately the orchestra is no John Williams. Sorry Justin.

JUSTIN: Just start stuffing. Don’t cut it into little pieces, c’mon.

vienna zev glassenberg 3

The onlookers outside of the glass are hoping for the next vomiting extravaganza in TAR history.

JUSTIN: So right away we start stuffing these things down our faces and we start sweating.

vienna justin kanew 7

Well, look at how far the fork is in your mouth, Justin.

jessica brittany

That fork is starting to get into the Jessica & Brittany Dieting Zone.

– We cut to Gary & Mallory running to the subway.

vienna landscape 3

There is a lot of construction in Vienna.

– Mallory makes a funny noise as she runs.

GARY: Sounds like we’re going to have to eat a lot of food.
MALLORY: We can do it; he’ll be eating some of my food. He eats this fast anyway.

vienna gary mallory ervin 16

“Which is why half of his backpack is filled with bottles of Tums.”

vienna gary mallory ervin 17

A daughter’s favourite past time is making a joke at her father’s expense.

– Flight Time doesn’t want to eat because he doesn’t want to take the chance of throwing up.

– Kisha & Jen are not having fun with this Detour.

vienna fried food

It really is.

– They are halfway through their time but definitely not halfway through their food.

JEN: What happens if we don’t finish?

vienna kisha hoffman 3

Jen wasted two seconds asking that question when she could have spent that precious time eating!

vienna food 1

Judging by the fact that they are merely starting their slice of cake, I think Kisha might be wrong.

– Zev & Justin discuss their fate in the Detour.

vienna zev justin 8

vienna zev justin 9

Wow. Zev is not hungry. At all. I know they are at the top of the Ferris Wheel, but if they do the proper dive rolling technique, they can land on the ground safely.

mark curry

“At least you didn’t have to eat seven burritos in ten minutes!”

– The Willy Wonka-esque burping begins.

vienna justin kanew 8

*gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrh*

vienna zev glassenberg 4

Keep burping, Zev. It’s the only way to make room.

vienna justin kanew 9

Burping is hilarious, Justin? How old are you? Five?

JUSTIN: I hate winner schnitzel. This was a terrible idea. SECOND WIND! SECOND WIND! RIGHT NOW!

– Kent & Vyxsin are taking the bus like losers.

vienna kent vyxsin 20

A bus where Kent has his passport with him.

– We cut back to the Ferris Wheel.

vienna wheel

I bet the editors didn’t care if they labelled who is in which cart correctly–it’s just a visual cue that Kisha & Jen are about to be at the bottom.

– Eating time is over.

vienna violin 1

Some people get fifteen minutes of fame, but violinists only receive twelve.

vienna kisha jen hoffman 10

This Detour task did not meet Kisha’s expectations.

JEN: We have to eat this all over again? There’s no way in Hell.

vienna trash

What a waste of delicious cake.

bono

“This food should be given to the stahvin children.”

– Gary & Mallory are at the base as they pass by Kisha & Jen.

MALLORY: Are you done?
GARY: Was it hard?
JEN: It’s. . .
KISHA: Y’all be alright.

vienna kisha jen hoffman 11

UGH. WHAT LIARS!!! I HAVE LOST ALL RESPECT FOR KISHA & JEN!!!! F–K YOU GUYS!!!!11111ONEONEONE.

– Zev & Justin’s Twelve Minutes of Gorging is nearly over.

vienna justin kanew 10

Just a few more bites, Justin. . .er, a few -dozen- more bites, I should say.

vienna justin kanew 11

The fork is down.

vienna justin kanew 12

Justin is suffering from Meat Sweats.

caleb

Which I hear is -almost- as bad as dehydration.

ZEV: C’mon you fat pig.

vienna justin kanew 13

C’mon, Justin.

france kevin drew 3

Channel your Inner Kevin & Drew.

– The waiter starts shaking his head in disappointment.

vienna waiter

“You say you are American with your food portions, but here you eat like a petite French mademoiselle. Shame on you, good sir!”

vienna justin kanew 14

I don’t know if Justin can get up.

– Time expires.

ZEV: I want to talk to the manager.

vienna justin kanew 10

I wouldn’t do it, Zev. They’ll just spit on your schnitzel if you come back for a Switchback task.

JUSTIN: That was a disaster.
ZEV: We should pretend like we did it if we see another team.

– Gary & Mallory run into Zev & Justin too.

MALLORY: Did you finish?
JUSTIN: It’s fantastic.
ZEV: Go get it!

vienna gary mallory ervin 20

“Both of them did it? This shouldn’t be so hard!”

JUSTIN: It’s delicious!

vienna mallory ervin 7

Wait a minute. There’s no such thing as delicious schnitzel.

JUSTIN: We didn’t lie. I mean, it was pretty good tasting.
ZEV: Go get em, Gary and Mal Mal.
(Burp on audio.)

– Gary tells Mallory she cannot eat until they are inside. Such a parental thing to say. T

GARY: Alright, eat. It’s closed!

vienna waiter 1

How many violinists are there hired for this ride?

MALLORY: We have to cut it up?

vienna gary mallory ervin 18

Using utensils on this task is a big mistake. You really have to dig in with their hands. I bet that was the biggest time waster for the other two teams. We even saw Jen delicately cutting her cake slice in half.

MALLORY: It was game time. I was going to finish that plate. I’m not going to pig out on those calories for nothing.

vienna mallory ervin 8

Miss Kentucky Fried, ladies and gentlemen!

vienna mallory ervin 9

Mallory loves leg eights on The Amazing Race.

vienna gary mallory ervin 19

I can assure you Mallory will be going on the Lettuce Diet after the season is over.

– We see Flight Time & Big Easy run into the museum. Flight Time reveals his Masters in Psychology.

vienna flight time big easy 10

Lift with your knees, boys.

FLIGHT TIME: I don’t know nothing about the couch. I guess he just enjoyed couches and relaxing on couches. Maybe he was doing his philosophical thing, and lay on the couch and have his weird Freudian slips.

vienna flight time big easy 11

You would think Flight Time should be the one with the band-aid on his head right now.

vienna couch 3

After Freud retired from his practice, he opened a youth hostel, didn’t you know?

– Kent urges Vyxsin to hustle as he sees the Globetrotters exiting the entrance with a couch.

vienna flight time big easy 12

Which comes with a skateboard.

– Nevermind. It’s the dolly that they must put underneath the couch.

vienna big easy couch

This makes the task a helluva lot easier.

vienna kent vyxsin 21

That is -not- bending with your knees, Vyxsin.

– Kisha & Jen are running an see Kent & Vyxsin.

vienna couch 4

KENT: I’m going to go as fast as I can while I got the strength.

From first to fourth just like that. By the way, I am impressed Kent is taking the lead with transporting a heavy object for once.

vienna couch 5

Okay. It didn’t last for too long. Why aren’t they using the Dolly?

vienna kisha jen hoffman 12

Kisha needs to be careful when walking backwards. She might trip and fall on the penis–er, I mean ground.

– Jen’s biggest concern for this task?

vienna kisha jen hoffman 13

Do it.

– We check in on Mallory’s meal.

vienna mallory ervin 10

Plenty of room left in her stomach.

MALLORY: How time do we got left Dad?

Gary is about to answer the question, but some jerk interrupts him.

timbaland.png

Mal, you’re almost out of time and all you got is *chika* four minutes, fourrrr minutes.

vienna mallory ervin 11

madonna

So grab some cake.

jt 2

And grab a schnitzel!

vienna meat

Keep it down, keep it down, Mallory.

vienna meat 2

Gary gotta give it all his heart. Tick tock tick tock tick tock.

– Dear God. Jet & Cord are at the library and have their clue. They immediately go with the couch.

vienna gary mallory ervin 21

Stick a fork in em–they’re done. 😦

– Time is over for Gary & Mallory.

GARY: I thought I could eat my portion and part of hers, but there is no way.

vienna mallory ervin 12

You can’t say she didn’t try.

vienna man 6

That guy is creepin’ me out.

vienna mallory ervin 1

No wonder Mallory didn’t have an appetite.

– Commercial break.

MALLORY: We’re gonna switch.
GARY: I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I should have listened to you, Mal.
MALLORY: I can throw up and try it again, Dad.

vienna mallory ervin 14

Spoken like a true pageant queen.

GARY: No. No. No. Find out where the Freud Museum is.

Geez, Gary. Why don’t you be supportive in all of her decisions?

– Gary & Mallory make it back to the train.

GARY: When you do both sides of the Detour, that’s bad. You really let people catch up.

Indeed. No U-Turned team has ever defeated a non-U-Turned team in TAR US history up to this point.

– Flight Time warns Big Easy about wearing himself out as he carries the couch alone and is walking uphill.

vienna flight time big easy 13

How To Ruin Your Posture 101.

vienna flight time big easy 15

Hopefully there is no oncoming traffic.

– Kent & Vyxsin try to re-lift their couch.

vienna kent vyxsin 22

Why the heck would Kent rely on his triceps to lift it?

VYXSIN: Do it how you did it last time. Quit being stupid.

Kent stops being stupid, and lifts it the proper way. He compliments his pink kitten taking the lead.

KISHA: Jen, that rug is getting really really dirty.
JEN: That’s okay. It said nothing about keeping it clean!

I feel bad for the next patient who tries to lie down on this couch.

– Zev burps again before entering the museum. Justin notes there are a few couches missing. Yep, eating was a waste of time.

ZEV: Ah. My back.
JUSTIN: Zev. We’ve got a long way to go, dude. Settle in, buddy.

vienna zev justin 11

That is different from what my brother tells me when I help him move furniture–“Logan, we’ve got a long way to go. Just go over there and drink chocolate milk until we’re done.”

– The Globetrotters are now on the road.

vienna globetrotters 8

“If our Dolly scratches your window, please contact our insurance reps.”

vienna globetrotters 9

Drivers will be disappointed when they do not perform a slam dunk as they use Freud’s couch as a launching point.

– Kent’s next moment of hilarity is here.

KENT (comes to a complete stop): IT’S GONNA FALL! IT’S GONNA FALL!

vienna kent vyxsin 23

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

vienna kent vyxsin 25

Vyxsin takes the subtle hint from Kent.

vienna kent vyxsin 24

For some reason, Kent didn’t drop when he was the one screaming about falling.

VYXSIN: Let go. I’m getting in the front. Quit whining.
KENT: I can’t help it! It was gonna fall!
VYXSIN Pick it up.

vienna kent vyxsin 26

It should be noted that leg eight was also the demise of Kent & Vyxsin in TAR 12.

– Kisha & Jen and Zev & Justin both switch from using the Dolly to carrying it.

ZEV: Oh, look. There’s the Cowboys.

vienna jet cord mccoy 10

Oh geez. Look at who the cat dragged in.

JUSTIN: They’re gonna pass us.
ZEV: No, they’re not.

vienna zev justin 12

Zev ever being the optimist.

– Jet & Cord celebrate seeing Zev & Justin.

CORD: It’s the first light at the end of the tunnel.

vienna jet cord mccoy 11

I. . .I don’t think that is a saying.

– They are practically running with their couch on the street.

– We switch to the Globetrotters who go inside of the university to get directions.

vienna big easy 2

“Huh? Which way?”

vienna flight time big easy 15

“I don’t understand what this guy is trying to tell us.”

– After walking in snowy weather, Flight Time must now go up stairs in wet shoes.

vienna flight time 6

And it. . .

vienna flight time 7

. . .Does not. . .

vienna flight time 8

. . .Go well.

FLIGHT TIME: Ahhhhh.
BIG EASY: I got you, I got you.

vienna flight time big easy 16

How does Big Easy have him? The damage has been done.

– Flight Time gets up and they finish the job.

vienna globetrotters 10

Flight Time is more cautious on these steps.

– Flight Time announces his arrival into the room.

vienna globetrotters 11

Did they clear an entire room just for teams to drop off dirty couches?

vienna globetrotters 12

The couch couldn’t be dirtier now.

– Globetrotters read that they must drive to the city of Salzburg.

vienna road

Although if you instead turn right you can hook up with the Linz Family.

– Teams must drive to Salzburg and find the Sternbrau Restaurant for their next clue.

salzburg restaurant

Another food related task? Really?

– Globetrotters talk about the task.

FLIGHT TIME: That was not fun.
BIG EASY: That was terrible.
FLIGHT TIME: People looking at us like we some nuts.
BIG EASY: What did Freud did? Freud Uh–
FLIGHT TIME: Dude used to have dreams about sleeping with his Momma and all that kind of crazy stuff.

salzburg flight time big easy

We’ll accept that as an answer. That’s not the quite the same phrasing my textbook used.

– Kent & Vyxsin’s bickering resumes.

KENT: I’m walking backwards! Not too fast!

vienna kent vyxsin 27

Kent bailing and having a car run over him would be a hilarious twist in this episode.

– Kent & Vyxsin have changed positions, but has not changed Kent’s tone.

KENT: Stoppppp. Stoppppppppppppp.
VYXSIN: Put it down.
(They put it down.)
VYXSIN: Kent, you know what you sound like? You sound like a ridiculous baby.

vienna kent vyxsin 28

accra nick decarlo 7

It is like Kent is carrying the torch for Nick DeCarlo since the last season ended.

– Jen is not enjoying this couch transport much either.

vienna couch 6

vienna couch 8

vienna couch 7

Wouldn’t that logic apply to almost any task on The Amazing Race? For instance, the property owner who allowed you guys to install Chinese solar panels likely hired a professional crew after you left to ensure it was all safely installed.

– Justin is dragging the couch on a Dolly by himself.

JUSTIN: Can you make sure it’s not dragging, please?
ZEV: It’s about to fall off.
JUSTIN: You’re not giving me a lot of help here, buddy.
ZEV: I’m trying.
JUSTIN: AAAAAAAAHHHGH.

vienna zev justin 13

I’m sure it’s all fine, Justin.

vienna couch 9

Oh. The rug is caught.

I haven’t seen so many people hate couches since Rick James visited Eddie Murphy’s house.

rick james couch

“F–k your couch, Sigmund!”

– Extremely over-the-top music plays as the Cowboys walk around locals on the street.

vienna jet cord mccoy 12

“Howdy, folks. Autographs will be signed -after- the show!”

JET: I’m thinking it could be faster: I could lay on the couch, and tell Cord all of my feelings, and he could push me.

vienna jet cord mccoy 13

I don’t think Cord has much strength to transport the couch as it is.

CORD: I don’t need nobody’s feelings that bad.

vienna jet cord mccoy 14

Why does that answer not surprise me?

– Gary & Mallory are last to the Freud Museum.

vienna gary mallory ervin 23

I wonder if they catch on that the other teams were lying when they are lifting the final couch out of the room.

MALLORY: Dad, you’re driving me down the steps and I can’t see! Whoa!

Yeah, Mallory is having a tough time with her height disadvantage. Gary nearly leads Mallory into the wall with his momentum.

vienna gary mallory ervin 24

Gary refuses to be last today.

vienna gary mallory ervin 25

Gary takes hold of the couch while Mallory is using all of her muscle with that pillow.

– Kent’s Couch Saga continues.

KENT: Kent & Vyxsin’s Delivery Service, coming right at ya! Oh no!
VYXSIN: What?

vienna kent vyxsin 29

What is it this time, Kent?

VYXSIN: Why are you freaking out? What?
KENT: Cause of these doors!

vienna kent vyxsin 30

LOOK OUT, VYXSIN! THERE’S A DOOR RIGHT BEHIND YOU! ABORT! ABORT!

vienna kent vyxsin 31

Don’t you know that doors are the source of all evil in classic Gothic literature? AH!

– They are on campus and appear to be extremely close to the finish.

KENT: Here! Hold on!
VYXSIN: Down.

vienna kent vyxsin 32

The strain is real.

VYXSIN: See? It’s right there. Stop whining. I’m hurting too. It’s disrespecting me that you’re being so negative.
KENT (moaning): I’m not being so negative; I’m happy.

vienna kent vyxsin 33

I love that Vyxsin physically points out that they are just feet away from the finish.

– They are now in the hallway. Just a little bit further–

KENT: I CAN’T! STOP! I CAN’T!
VYXSIN: If you need to stop just say you need to stop.
KENT: I am, but every time I say I need to stop you don’t.

vienna kent vyxsin 34

This task is quickly becoming legendary for Kent.

VYXSIN: Don’t drag me down.
KENT: I’m not, but we’re both in pain.

vienna kent kaliber 6

Both of you may be in pain, but only one of you is shouting STOP! STOP! STOP IN FIVE FEET! STOP AGAIN IN TEN FEET! AHHHHH! MY BICEPS ARE POPPING! MY ANUS IS BLEEDING! MY NOSE IS FROZEN FROM THE COLD WEATHER! MY SHOELACES ARE UNTIED! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

– Kent & Vyxsin complete the delivery.

vienna kent vyxsin 35

Well, not before Vyxsin shoves Kent into the wall.

– Kent receives the clue.

KENT: Wunderbar!

vienna kent vyxsin 36

“Yay! It’s finally over!”

There is no way Kent & Vyxsin think they are in second place after all of that.

VYXSIN: Auf Wiedersehen! Guten Tag!

Note to self: Vyxsin does not speak German.

– We get a glimpse of the clue for Salzburg.

vienna clue 3

Again, very specific information.

– Kent & Vyxsin see Kisha & Jen on their way out.

vienna kisha jen hoffman 15

Kisha matches the muscle power of seven Kents as she single-handedly carries it up the steps.

vienna jen vyxsin

It would be funny if Vyxsin had opened the door first and sent Jen flying down the stairs.

– Kent & Vyxsin are talking about the task while driving.

VYXSIN: I’m very proud of you, honey. You did such a good job. My only point was that if you just started going “it’s heavy, it hurts, it’s heavy, it’s taking forever, I want to get there, we’re never gonna get there”, it’s harder psychologically.

vienna kent vyxsin 38

vienna kent vyxsin 39

“Wow. So that’s what I sounded like.”

vienna kent vyxsin 40

I love that Kent can already laugh at himself over how he performed.

– Zev & Justin make it to the top of a steep street and put the couch down. Jet & Cord see Zev & Justin ahead. Gary tells Mallory she is turning the couch, and orders her to get underneath it.

MALLORY: I can push with you!
GARY: But you’re turnin’ it! Get under it!
MALLORY: OK, I’m under it–
GARY: The Dolly!
MALLORY: I know, Dad!

vienna gary mallory ervin 26

That cannot be comfortable.

– I am not sure if Mallory is contributing as she pushes the couch.

vienna gary mallory ervin 27

“And -I- helped!”

vienna justin kanew 15

Justin is going to be moving like Mel White by the end of this leg.

– Zev & Justin are at the university. Justin asks for directions to the room by some college kids.

vienna justin kanew 16

When you think you are trailing, I bet a “Rest In Peace” poster is what you want to see.

vienna zev justin 14

We didn’t see the other two teams go up this many steps.

– Zev & Justin make it up the last flight of stairs.

vienna zev justin 15

Which proved to be the most treacherous for Zev.

ZEV: Can you see it?
JUSTIN: No.

vienna justin kanew 17

“Mainly because our camera operator is being a jackass and standing directly in our way.”

– That stupid City Slickers theme song plays as Jet & Cord make it into the room.

vienna jet cord mccoy 15

How to Double the Size of the Target on Your Back: Intentionally pick another flight that arrives thirty minutes later than all other teams, and pass two of the five teams before the end of the Detour.

– Zev butchers German as he yells out to people upstairs to ask where the room is.

vienna zev justin 17

It’s like Justin is moving into a dorm room.

So where is the room, anyway?

vienna zev justin 17

Ouch. Well, it wasn’t edited out footage for the other three teams after all.

ZEV: Four other people have dropped off couches.
JUSTIN: That’s not good, Zev.
ZEV: I know.

vienna marietta

Marietta-Blau-Saal? I think those are lyrics to Ludacris’ Stand Up.

– Justin sums up the task in two words.

vienna zev justin 18

Pretty much.

– Gary & Mallory show up on campus.

vienna gary mallory ervin 28

Gary is kicking the pillow along. That seems dangerous. They re-adjust position.

vienna gary ervin 7

Well, we know one thing: Gary is competitive. He even tries talking through his teeth.

MALLORY: Shoot. There’s five.
GARY: That ain’t good.
MALLORY: Drive yourselves to the city of Salzburg.
GARY: That ain’t good.

I think Gary needs a nap on one of the couches.

– Flight Time talks about being in a good spot.

FLIGHT TIME: When your car leaves the Detour first, everything looking a little better. Teammates start looking a little better.
BIG EASY: I wouldn’t go that far.

vienna flight time big easy 17

Awkward.

– Kent & Vyxsin keep driving.

VYXSIN: Stay on the A1 all the way into the city. Don’t turn here.
KENT: This said Salzburg. The other one didn’t.

vienna road 1

Truth be told, I wouldn’t listen to Vyxsin’s directions either.

VYXSIN: I need you to turn on this other street! Dammit! Get back over there!

vienna kent kaliber 7

I think they should have taken advantage of the therapeutic opportunity back in Vienna.

vienna vyxsin fiala 9

Really.

– Zev & Justin are on the road. Justin likes his chances when driving. He passes Jet & Cord without being noticed.

– Kent & Vyxsin’s tension escalates.

VYXSIN: I can’t deal with your freakin’ psycho behaviour. I can’t handle it.
KENT: I’m not doing anything psycho. I am driving a car very calmly.
VYXSIN: I’m doing everything I can to help you, and you’re ignoring me completely and driving in circles. If we get eliminated today, I’m never going to speak to you again. I. Can’t. Handle. This.

vienna kent vyxsin 41

. . .

vienna kent vyxsin 42

“You done?”

– Commercial break. We resume.

VYXSIN: I wish you’d get back on the highway and listen to me. This is not what we want to be on. If we take one wrong turn, we can spend forty-five minutes trying to find our way again.
KENT: Right.
VYXSIN: We don’t have time for that.

vienna vyxsin fiala 10

Is that Vyxsin speaking?

sweet brown

Or Sweet Brown?

salzburg landscape

Isn’t Salzburg pretty?

– Globetrotters run to the clue box.

ROADBLOCK HINT: Who is feeling as lucky can be?
FLIGHT TIME: That’s you.

vienna flight time big easy 18

The aura around Big Easy was a big hint too.

PHIL: Chimney sweeping is a time honoured profession in Austria, and in many European cultures, chimney sweeping is a symbol of good luck.

william blake

Tell that to William Blake’s child labour of chimney sweepers.

nelly country

If only street sweepers brought good luck, Nelly’s career would still be alive instead of whoring himself out to Simple Plan.

PHIL: But it’s still a dirty job, and right now somebody’s got to do it.

salzburg phil keoghan

Words spoken by Phil Keoghan.

blair scott

Although a phrase that will become all too familiar when hanging around Blair Fowler.

– One team member must dress up in a traditional chimney sweep uniform and climb to the roof. They will use a specialized weighted tool to clean out their chimney. Once they are finished, they will head to the Cleanout Door where they will retrieve their next clue.

salzburg ball

salzburg snowflake

It’s like a freakin’ snowflake.

salzburg roadblock

If this were Family Edition, the Roadblock would have ended after she climbs the ladder.

salzburg hat

I would do this Roadblock if it meant I could keep the top hat as a souvenir.

salzburg clue

I was expecting a clue covered in soot.

– Globetrotters enter the pub to choose their Chimney Sweep Assistant.

salzburg man

All chimney sweepers are driven to alcoholism, didn’t you know?

salzburg man 1

And depression.

– Big Easy chooses someone.

BIG EASY: I’m not gonna be quite like you, but I’ll get as close as I can.

salzburg big easy

Just in triple XL.

salzburg coats

Much like the start of the season, the clothing is arranged in order of expected arrival at this task.

salzburg big easy 1

BIG EASY: My sexy knees. They’re going to be whistling from the roof.

salzburg big easy 2

salzburg man 2

They’re whistling already.

salzburg big easy 3

How is that jacket not ripping?

– Big Easy and the assistant walk through the crowded streets together. Weird fairy tale music begins playing.

salzburg big easy 4

Forget Mark & Mallory for TAR 24–I want Big Easy & Chimney Sweeper instead.

salzburg big easy 5

The real challenge for Big Easy in this task may be getting through the doorways.

Yep.

– Zev is nervous about doing a task on his own.

ZEV: I’m freaking out already. It’s not a good sign.

You haven’t seen Kent & Vyxsin yet, have you? Speaking of Kent & Vyxsin, let’s check back in with them.

VYXSIN: Be careful. Don’t like, race through this cause I don’t want to miss our turn.
KENT: Well, what’s the turn?
VYXSIN: Kent, I’m trying to tell you but you have to stop talking.

salzburg vyxsin fiala

Kent may take a four hour penalty if that’s the challenge.

salzburg big easy 7

Big Easy doesn’t need the ladder. Geez.

– It turns out this task is really lame. They just have to clean three chimney holes.

salzburg man 3

“But you get to look good while doing it.”

BIG EASY: I haven’t done anything like this. Where I grew up we didn’t have a chimney. Santa Claus came through the window. I’m cleanin’ off Santa Claus.

salzburg chimney

I can’t believe this.

salzburg chimney 1

We have a Chimney Cam.

– The assistant tells Big Easy when to pull the ball back up. This task requires no skill whatsoever.

salzburg chimney 2

This marks the world’s first ever Chimney Cleaning graphic.

– Mallory hopes for a tough Roadblock in Salzburg. Yeah, that isn’t happening.

– Big Easy is already done. No other team is present. He is guided to the cleanout door by his little assistant.

salzburg big easy 8

“I don’t get what the big deal about this door is–”

salzburg big easy 9

!

salzburg big easy 10

!!!

salzburg big easy 11

Big Easy ends up colliding with the wall. There really was no room for him to escape.

salzburg clue 1

“Finally! I see light! This must be Heaven.”

salzburg big easy 12

The soot explosion was the toughest part of the task.

– Zev & Justin leap from fifth to second as they are already at the Roadblock location.

– Zev examines the selection for assistants.
salzburg zev glassenberg

ZEV: I choose you!

salzburg zev glassenberg 1

Chimney sweepers aren’t Pokemon, Zev.

Zev chooses an assistant and runs into Big Easy in the change room. Big Easy confirms for him that nobody else has shown up.

– The Globetrotters reunite and read they must drive themselves to the Villa Trapp.

salzburg flight time big easy 1

“The Villa Trapp?”

klaptrap 1

“We can’t be going here, right?”

– Nah. The Villa Trapp was built in 1863. It was the real home of the Von Trapp family immortalized in The Sound of Music.

salzburg villa trapp

Access for Guests Only? You mean people still live there?!

salzburg villa trapp 1

Fun fact: The Von Trapp family defaulted on their mortgage during The Big Short.

salzburg phil keoghan 1

Tear drops on Godlewskis and whiskers on Kent and Vyxsin
Green fresh kiwis and douchey hipster necklackes
Yellow race envelopes glued down with seals

salzburg phil keoghan 2

These are a few of Phil’s favourite things.

phil keoghan dog

When the dog jumps

prague franz kafka 4

When Kafka’s phone always rings

victoria

When he sees Victoria sad

salzburg phil keoghan 3

He simply remembers his favourite things,
and then he doesn’t feel so bad.

julie andrews

There you go, Julie Andrews. You finally get mentioned on this blog you umbrella-wielding babysitting Brit.

– Big Easy points out Zev & Justin could have a map, and need to hustle.

– Zev was nervous because he is not good at making ropes, but figured it out pretty quickly.

salzburg zev glassenberg 2

salzburg zev glassenberg 3

ZEV: That’s what she said.

salzburg woman

In December of 2010, The Office was already on its seventh season. That’s What She Said jokes were getting old by this point, but yet dressing up like a character from A Clockwork Orange wasn’t.

– Zev thinks he is done after the first hole.

salzburg zev glassenberg 4

You need to get your ball in two more holes, Zev.

– Kisha & Jen park and have the clue. Kent sees it on the street too.

– Zev’s assistant speaks in a whisper as he cleans out the final hole. He has to lean into her ear to hear what she is saying.
salzburg zev glassenberg 5

ZEV: I’m going! I’m going!

Heh. The assistant is more impatient than most TAR teammates. Is she getting rewarded in a Chimney Sweeper Pool for who helps the racer complete the task in the fastest time?

– Kisha and Vyxsin are doing the Roadblock.

salzburg vyxsin fiala 2

Do they really need help up the ladder?

– Zev bends over to open the cleanout door.

salzburg zev glassenberg 6

Oh god. Zev takes a piece of soot right to the chest.

salzburg zev glassenberg 7

Good thing he was wearing kevlar.

– Kisha comments that the ball is really heavy and thinks she is lifting weights.

KISHA: You must be strong, huh girl?

salzburg kisha hoffman

Actually, your arms are probably just really weak from moving couches all day.

– Justin bids Kent and Jen farewell as he exits the restaurant with Zev.

How much do Kent and Jen have in common?

salzburg kent jen

Answer: Very little. Have they spoken to each other all season?

– Justin asks a huge group of people for directions to Villa Trapp.

salzburg consensus

What is this? A Bangladesh leg?

salzburg consensus 1

Justin will have to go by consensus on this one.

salzburg consensus 2

The guy on the right is distrustful of American television.

– Flight Time sees a row of parked taxis. Time to get some help.

salzburg clue 2

It would be funny if he was giving directions verbally, but decided to draw a kitty kat on the clue.

salzburg flight time

“So I make a right at the whisker?”

– Flight Time tells Big Easy to drive straight.

salzburg car

Shameless advertising.

– Who shall win the battle between Kisha and Vyxsin?

salzburg kisha hoffman 1

Most likely Kisha.

– Kisha and Vyxsin are done in what appears to be seconds apart.

VYXSIN (reaching into hole and moaning like an adult film star): Ohhhhh. Yeahhhhh.

o_O

salzburg vyxsin kisha

Production is not fooling us. They are indeed one second apart.

– Kent & Vyxsin run out of the restaurant before Kisha & Jen, but are slower to run back to the car. Vyxsin recognizes it is the Von Trapp house.

salzburg kent vyxsin

They probably fell to fourth because Vyxsin had to help Kent with sounding out the clue.

VYXSIN: They told me you need to go across the river.

salzburg kent kaliber

Will Kent trust her? Who knows.

– Jet & Cord are at the Roadblock. Cord dresses up as that stupid cowboy theme plays for the tenth time this episode.

CORD: Look good on me?
SWEEPER: Yeah.
CORD: Chicks dig it?

salzburg cord mccoy

Nothing makes an Austrian woman wet like a chimney sweeping cowboy.

CORD: I think I might have found a new calling. Chimney sweeping at its best.

salzburg cord mccoy 1

Please make Cord wear that hat for the rest of the season, and retire that gosh darn cowboy hat.

– Cord makes it up to the chimney.

CORD: It’s not my first day using a rope.

salzburg cord mccoy 2

Why? I don’t get it. How is this not your first day using a–ohhhh. Because you’re a cowboy. Geez. I didn’t know that after twenty f–king episodes.

– Globetrotters are on the road and realize they have passed the pit stop, and opt to turn around. It’s a driving showdown with Zev & Justin.

JUSTIN: We’re just stumbling our way there.

salzburg phil keoghan 4

I hope this isn’t close enough to be a foot race–more damage could be done if the Globetrotters have another Sam & Dan-esque incident to the Von Trapp’s living room than what the Nazi intruders did.

salzburg zev justin

ZEV: Phil!

salzburg phil keoghan 5

“What can I say?”

salzburg phil keoghan 6

“I’m kind of a big deal.”

salzburg pit stop greeter

Do-Re-Mi–er, welcome to Salzburg, Austria.

ZEV (sarcastic): Thank you.

salzburg zev justin 1

“Now shut your Von Trapp.”

salzburg phil keoghan 7

“Hey Zev & Justin, remember how you were in fifth place leaving the Detour, and all that remained was an insanely easy Roadblock?”

salzburg zev justin 2

“Well, let’s just say that everybody else sucks at self-driving.”

salzburg zev justin 3

These celebrations are always awesome.

salzburg zev justin 4

If you can lift a couch, you can lift a Zev.

salzburg zev justin 5

You come back from one of the most embarrassing early exits in TAR history to winning three out of eight rounds.

salzburg phil keoghan 8

A high five from Phil.

salzburg phil keoghan 9

And a high five from Von Trapp.

JUSTIN: What just happened?

salzburg zev justin 6

What just happened, Justin?

salzburg cars

You just won a pair of these.

PHIL: Ford is giving each of you a 2012 Ford Focus including the first ever voice activated sync with MyFord technology, allowing access to your information, music, and entertainment system.

And it will be hacked within a year.

– Engines start revving as Zev & Justin are sent outside to check out their cars.

salzburg zev glassenberg 8

Something tells me they didn’t have a choice.

salzburg justin kanew

Shotgun yellow!

salzburg zev justin 7

Or maybe shotgun red. So many choices.

“Oh my god!”
“It’s amazing!”
“Unbelievable!”
“We’re absolutely thrilled to have won those cars.”

Man. A house which was the basis for a memoir and one of the greatest cinematic achievements during the 20th century is now being used to hype a new fad in the American auto industry.

Could you imagine going into a time machine and telling Georg Von Trapp that an American reality show will be invading his house to shoot a commercial for a new line of products that is tied to the Henry Ford name?

MR. VON TRAPP: What about Rogers and Hammerstein–
ME: Nobody gives a sh-t about Rogers and Hammerstein anymore. There are rats living in your basement, and the wallpaper is peeling. Besides, this car has voice activation, motherf–ker. Vrooom, vroom!

salzburg zev justin 8

It’s not Zev & Justin that are part of cultural history–it’s the Von Trapps that get to be apart of Zev & Justin’s career on The Amazing Race.

FIRST PLACE: ZEV & JUSTIN

– Globetrotters successfully backtrack and hit the mat.

SECOND PLACE: FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY

salzburg globetrotters

They really wanted those cars.

salzburg globetrotters 1

Try again in six seasons, guys.

PHIL: Big Easy you don’t look happy. You have a look on your face like you want to give up the whole race.

salzburg phil keoghan 10

“But not your top hat!”

– Big Easy starts laughing. He just wanted first place.

– Kisha & Jen admit they are lost. They get help from a local and get back on the road.

– Kent & Vyxsin are approaching the pit stop.

VYXSIN: We’re actually freakishly close.
Er, freakishly close I mean.

salzburg gas

Is that a BP gas station? Haven’t seen one of those in a while.

– Cord is done the Roadblock.

salzburg cord mccoy 3

salzburg cord mccoy 4

Is that a ghost hand coming out and threatening to pull him into the cleanout space?

salzburg cord mccoy 5

Nah.

salzburg cord mccoy 6

It’s just more soot.

– Gary & Mallory are last to the restaurant.

salzburg roadblock 1

The Roadblock hint couldn’t be more appropriate.

– Jet reads the clue for the pit stop inside. Mallory spots them and talks to them.

MALLORY: Are we last?

salzburg jet cord mccoy

CORD: Uh.

salzburg jet cord mccoy 1

CORD: I dunno!

– Gary meanwhile picks his assistant for the Roadblock.

salzburg gary ervin

Uncle Gary wants you.

MALLORY: Have y’all seen Kent & Vyxsin?
JET: We’ve seen nobody.

salzburg mallory ervin

Mallory is rightfully uneasy.

– Jet & Cord get directions from a blurred man.

CORD: It does not take long at all.
JET: We could get lost.

Yeah, right.

– Gary cleans his first chimney.

– Jen tells Kisha to make a right on the road.

KISHA: Are you sure?
JEN: Yeah.

salzburg officer

The security officer says otherwise.

KISHA: This is not it, Jen. I’m going back from where I came from. Oh Lord, please let us be okay.

salzburg kisha hoffman 2

Uh oh.

salzburg jen hoffman

You know you are in a rough spot when divine intervention is more likely than Jen being able to navigate a short distance using a map.

– Kent & Vyxsin make it to the Von Trapp household.

salzburg phil keoghan 11

PHIL: Kent & Vyxsin. . .

salzburg kent vyxsin 1

“If we lose, it’s all your fault.”

salzburg phil keoghan 12

PHIL: You’re team number three!

salzburg kent vyxsin 2

“This can’t be happening!”

THIRD PLACE: KENT & VYXSIN

salzburg kent vyxsin 3

Let them savour their best finish.

salzburg kent vyxsin 4

They are back to their TAR 12 stride.

VYXSIN: It is odd that after a day of such hot-cold-hot-cold-hot-cold that this is the best we have ever done on the race (NOTE: They finished 2nd during the season premiere of TAR 12). Maybe we just need to fight more.

salzburg phil keoghan 13

Please do.

salzburg kent vyxsin 5

Because I don’t think they will let us down.

salzburg kent vyxsin 6

Well, after they do a quick Viennese Waltz.

– Back at the restaurant, Mallory starts forming a cross.

salzburg mallory ervin 1

salzburg mallory ervin 2

Mallory and Kisha are in the same boat.

– Gary is finished the Roadblock.

salzburg gary ervin 1

If you can’t cope, you’ll lose the rope!

– Gary finished the Roadblock within five seconds of edited footage which means he must have been fast, right?

GARY (opening the cleanout door): Ooh hoo! There’s my clue!

He couldn’t be more fascinated by the soot trick.

– Mallory, much like Vyxsin, makes the connection with the Von Trapp family. Gary confirms this for her. They drive.

– Jet & Cord are directly behind Kisha & Jen while driving.

KISHA: Ugh. The cowboys are behind us.

salzburg cars 1

Uh oh.

salzburg jen hoffman 1

You may have to storm the Von Trapp living room after all, Jen.

salzburg kisha jen hoffman

But it’s worth the fourth place finish.

salzburg kisha jen jet cord

For the second time this season, Kisha & Jen edge out Jet & Cord by seconds.

FOURTH PLACE: KISHA & JEN

FIFTH PLACE: JET & CORD

Question: Which of these two teams will get a confessional and be interviewed by Phil for this mat chat?

.
.
.
.
PHIL: You’ve been racing so hard your cowboy hat is dirty.
CORD: If I win me enough money I’m going to buy me a new cowboy hat.
PHIL: You’re going to get a new one?
CORD: Yes, sir.

salzburg jet cord mccoy 2

One day Kisha & Jen shall speak to Phil.

PHIL: You don’t mind being right at the back? These guys just whooped your ass by at least three seconds today.

salzburg phil keoghan 14

Whoa. Even Phil is shocked that he swore.

CORD: It’s time to step it up or we’re going to have to go home.

salzburg jet cord mccoy 3

In eleven more episodes, that is.

sound of music sixteen

Or rather, they are on leg twenty going on twenty-one. . .

– Sad music plays as Gary & Mallory enter the house.

PHIL: Gary & Mallory. . .

salzburg gary mallory ervin

How can you eliminate that face, Phil?

PHIL: You’re the last team to arrive.

salzburg phil keoghan 15

How is Phil not laughing at Mallory’s expression?

salzburg gary mallory ervin 1

Gary Ervin and Mallory Cosby brace for the worst news imaginable.

LAST PLACE: GARY & MALLORY

salzburg phil keoghan 16

PHIL: I’m sorry to tell you that–

salzburg woman 1

PIT STOP GREETER: So long! Farewell! Auf Wiedersehen Good night! I hate to see you go and leave this pretty sight!

salzburg gary mallory ervin 2

. . .What?

PHIL: I’m sorry to tell you that it has put you at the back of the pack, but not out of the race.

salzburg gary mallory ervin 3

“Phil, are you saying. . .?”

PHIL: Because it’s a Non-Elimination leg.

salzburg mallory ervin 3

She gets to stay and taste her first champagne!

salzburg mallory ervin 4

salzburg gary mallory ervin 4

salzburg gary mallory ervin 5

salzburg gary mallory ervin 6

salzburg gary mallory ervin 7

Mallory needs to be non-eliminated more often.

salzburg phil keoghan 17

Since when did Phil start wearing earrings?

– Phil informs them of the irrelevant Speed Bump. I can’t believe this thing is still around for another ten seasons at minimum.

PHIL: You have to work extra hard to stay in this race.

salzburg gary mallory ervin 8

Nah, not really. They are barely more of a nuisance than being last on the two To Be Continued legs this season. We have to wait until TAR 27 to have a season with only one NEL penalty.

salzburg gary mallory ervin 9

As long as it’s not the Handikap, you’re going to be okay.

– Mallory says to have a third chance at winning the race is “the biggest blessing ever in the world”.

salzburg gary mallory ervin 11

I thought a lifetime supply of Snapple was the biggest blessing in the world. Evidently, I was wrong.

MALLORY (claps hands): Third time’s the charm!

salzburg gary mallory ervin 12

salzburg gary mallory ervin 13

Oh, Mallory.

MALLORY: When you get something that big, you gotta do something with it.

salzburg gary mallory ervin 14

Now THAT’S what she said.

salzburg gary mallory ervin 15

Wow.

salzburg gary mallory ervin 16

Mallory is not so innocent after all.

andre damon 5

P.S. Andre & Damon were on their way to Salzburg, but slept through their stop on the train. Woops!

P.P.S. TAR Asia 4 deserves credit for pioneering the implementation of all NELs while six teams still remain.

Next Time on TAR: As Gary & Mallory fight to stay in the game, teams speed across Liechtenstein, and enjoy a Swiss delicacy.

NUMBER OF TIMES MENTIONED IN THE ‘NEXT TIME ON TAR’ SEGMENT

KENT & VYXSIN 3
GARY & MALLORY 2
RON & CHRISTINA 2
ZEV & JUSTIN 2
JET & CORD 1
MEL & MIKE 1
JAIME & CARA 1
MARGIE & LUKE 1
KISHA & JEN: 1
FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY: 0
AMANDA & KRIS: 0

CONFESSIONAL COUNT

JET.CORD 5.7
FLIGHT TIME.BIG EASY 4.2
KENT.VYXSIN 3.3
GARY.MALLORY 6.3
KISHA.JEN 0.1 lol.
ZEV.JUSTIN 4.5

Rank the Legs

1) Kurihama, Japan -> Lijiang, China

2) Broken Hill, Australia -> Kurihama, Japan

3) Kunming, China -> Kolkata, India

4) Kolkata, India -> Varanasi, India

5) Lijiang, China -> Kunming, China

6) Varanasi, India -> Salzburg, Austria

It was time to finally get out of Asia. If I am not mistaken, this was TAR’s first return trip to Vienna since TAR 4.

Sadly, this marked the first product placement vehicle task in TAR US history. Driving in reverse slowly as somebody writes down the letters while reading off of a camera? What a lame and easy task.

The episode was also soured by the fact that, for whatever reason, Jet & Cord intentionally choose a flight that will put them behind all other teams rather than just joining with them to be equal. This allowed for Jet & Cord to become the central characters for this leg which is a tragic outcome. Well, not as tragic as the fact that they did indeed catch up and survived another round.

That Roadblock was extremely forgettable. Drop a ball into three chimney holes while being accompanied by an assistant who ensures you cannot screw up the task? I think Big Easy’s top hat and Zev’s That What She Said joke received the majority of the airtime during this challenge. The only highlight was the ol’ soot-in-the-face when teams opened the cleanout door. There was nothing to this challenge.

Thankfully, we had a great Detour. No one knew how big the plate of food was going to be, but three teams ended up falling for it. I think I could have done it, but the indigestion over the next couple of days would have been unbearable. Justin and Mallory attempting to shove food in their mouth was hilarious.

Transporting the couch could have been boring to watch, but we lucked out by Kent once again freaking out over physical labour. This was a very long day for Vyxsin. Heck, Kent & Vyxsin made the episode by refusing to have an ‘off’ button all the way to the pit stop, and somehow finishing third. Since when did they re-write their legacy by becoming the over-the-top bickering couple?

Flight Time being so confident he could beat Kent & Vyxsin that he was willing to stop and urinate in front of them was an odd moment.

For the first time in TAR US history, all NELs are used up with at least six teams remaining. I think they took a cue from TAR Asia 4 which aired less than a year before this season did. Seeing Gary & Mallory saved likely relieved a large portion of the audience, and was amusing to watch Mallory’s reaction.

This round earns a few points for being the first self-drive leg in a while. Even if it means being powered by Ford. We have learned in the past year that this is a necessary evil. Sigh.

P.S. Thank God the final NEL was not delayed to the next round of play. Now -that- would have been depressing.

P.P.S. I wonder if Kisha & Jen were experiencing deja vu in reverse as they nearly complete doing their TAR 14 route in the exact opposite order. Way to troll them, producers.

7) Manly, Australia -> Broken Hill, Australia

8) Palm Springs, California, US -> Manly, Australia

 

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