“Harry Potter Chicks and Vord Trapps” (Episode Blog #269)
AUSTRALIA – JAPAN – CHINA – INDIA – AUSTRIA – LIECHTENSTEIN – SWITZERLAND – BRAZIL – UNITED STATES
Previously on TAR: Seven teams raced from Kolkata to Varanasi, India.
At the airport, Cowboys Jet & Cord dug themselves an early hole, but once in Varanasi, Cord’s fast feet kept him and Jet in the game. As Ron struggled at the Roadblock, Zev struggled with his surroundings.
Gary & Mallory took a moment to reflect. Flight Time & Big Easy came out on top while father and daughter Ron & Christina fell short.
Six teams remain; who will be eliminated next?
NUMBER OF TIMES MENTIONED IN THE ‘PREVIOUSLY ON TAR’ SEGMENT
GARY & MALLORY 4
FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY: 3
AMANDA & KRIS 2
MEL & MIKE 2
JAIME & CARA: 2
KENT & VYXSIN: 2
MARGIE & LUKE: 2
JET & CORD 2
RON & CHRISTINA 2
ZEV & JUSTIN 2
KISHA & JEN: 0 lol.
– Intro time.
– Phil introduces us to the Holy City of Varanasi. It is the religious centre of India since its birth more than three thousand years ago. The Ramnagar Fort, an 18th century fort, was the pit stop for the end of the last round.
I have never said this before, but man, my forehead seems really lame by comparison. Not even my slight unibrow hairs can compete.
They ran out of pink paint about halfway through.
A trident on top of a fort overlooking the water? You would think Poseidon is the King of the Ganges.
I wish Phil would casually throw a tejo to see if he could knock off the trident.
– Flight Time & Big Easy, who arrived at an unspecified time, will depart at 2:07am.
Well, that’s one way to ensure everyone takes the same morning flight to the next route marker. There is no way 2:07am was their departure time based upon when they arrived at the last pit stop.
– Flight Time reads they must fly to Vienna, Austria.
PHIL: Teams must leave the Varanasi heat and fly to a city more than forty degrees colder–Vienna, Austria!
The birds that hit the water are actually dead in Varanasi.
This isn’t a statue in Vienna. Oh no. They actually froze to death like Jasper at the Kwik-E-Mart. Global warming needs to kick it up a notch and unthaw them back to life!
Oh right. This is an American TV show. Phil is talking about the drop in Fahrenheit rather than Celsius.
PHIL: When they land, they must choose a brand new 2012 Ford Focus and get their next clue.
Geez. These shots are like an adult film for car mechanics. You just want to get inside of that thing, don’t you?
It is sad that driving yourself on the US version of The Amazing Race has already become a thing of the past. I bet the new millennial viewers for TAR 28 are not even aware that you could even do this on The Amazing Race.
You don’t even need a driver’s license to be on The Amazing Race anymore. I am sure all of the fans criticizing the intrusive Ford advertisement on self-drive legs are regretting that now.
– The Globetrotters enter a cab.
Not before passing by an animal hostel, though. The next day they shall be taking a train to continue on with their backpacking adventures!
FLIGHT TIME: Austria? That’s where The Terminator is from!
And just like anybody who grew up listening to the Detective John Kimball prank phone calls, Flight Time immediately breaks out his Ahnold impression.
FLIGHT TIME: We are very excited to be getting out of India.
Big Easy laughs just as much as the elementary school students that Flight Time lectures when he uses his Ahnold voice.
“If you U-Turn us, I will take this cookie and RAM IT INTO YOUR STOMACH!
BIG EASY: So we’re gonna have to hear the Schwarzenegger voice the whole time?
I think Flight Time’s grin gives us the answer.
FLIGHT TIME: Yes. I’ll be back but not to India hopefully.
“I speak English, motherf–ker.”
It’s going to be a -very- long round for Big Easy. Especially when Flight Time’s impression isn’t even that strong.
NOTE: One of my co-workers is a German woman that is my age, and the primary person we talk to outside of our department is a middle-aged man who goes back to Germany at least twice a year. Whenever he comes in we always talk in Ahnold accents and make World War II references the whole time.
Needless to say there has never been a conversation with him where both of my bosses are unable to keep a straight face.
– Zev & Justin start in 2nd place at 2:12am. Justin reads that they -must- go to a travel agency. I guess this rule only applies to specific provinces within India.
Is it really cold enough in India for a toque?
And why is the door for the fort modeled after the boss room door in Super Mario World?
– Globetrotters find a travel agency.
Needless to say it has a much more official appearance than the travel agency stalls in Kolkata.
– Zev & Justin are at the same travel agency as the Globetrotters.
“Helloooooo. Happy windsday, Owl.”
Flight Time is clearly more of a Terminator fan than a Winnie the Pooh fan.”
– Zev & Justin go to the adjacent counter.
JUSTIN: Varanasi to Vienna. Same as them.
ZEV: But faster.
“We all want the exact same tickets to the concert as our friends, but can you put us two rows closer to the front of the stage?”
If they keep this up, Flight Time will have no choice but to chase down Justin Connor.
– Kisha & Jen depart third at 2:53am.
KISHA: Make your way to the parking lot and choose a marked 2012 Ford Focus.
“Choose a marked 2012 Ford Focus with its roomy interior, sun roof, built-in MP3 player and–hey, wait a second. Is this really a necessary part of the clue, guys?”
– Jen says she enjoys running the race with her sister.
As long as it’s a round where Jen doesn’t need help from locals on things that aren’t Snapple bottles.
– Jen rambles on about how they have been closer because they were raised by a single mom, and took care of each other.
JEN: This is my blood. This is my sister. So I can’t get rid of her, per se.
You can’t get rid of her, but you can choose to ignore her and send all of her GIFs and e-mail forwards of Justin Bieber getting slapped in the face to the Junk folder automatically.
– Wow. Jen got the first confessional of the episode. That’s not going to happen again.
– By the way, Kisha & Jen don’t have much of a reaction to flying to Austria. You would think after repeating China and India over the past four rounds, they would be grateful for a new country.
LOL. Congratulations are in order for Kisha & Jen. In their return to The Amazing Race, they get to re-visit all of the same countries but in reverse order!
And this is the season which had five teams brought back. Did producers not think this through at all?
– Gary & Mallory commence at 3:30am.
MALLORY: Is it cold there?
Wow. Japan, China, India, and now Austria has been publicly crapped upon by at least one team in each of the episodes.
– You want another round with a Gary & Mallory flashback? Well, Mallory reminds us that leg eight is what eliminated them from TAR 17.
MALLORY: We’re at that leg that did us in last time. Finish Line is fresh in our minds. We want to be the ones runnin’ instead of the ones on the sidelines clappin’.
Your elimination is a happy memory?
“And you’re telling me -this- is where I can find Jodi Wincheski’s hideout to be invited back for next season?”
Dear Mary Full of Grace,
Help us Find this Place,
My Hands are Shoved Against my Face,
Please Guide us to Ensure we do not Lose this Faithful Race.
Good times when thinking back to finishing just ten minutes behind Nat & Kat after a day that lasted over sixteen hours.
– I would hate to start my day at 3:30.
“It’s too earlyyyyy.”
– Jet & Cord start the day in fifth at 3:35am. They talk about dodging a bullet, but doubtful they can do it again. They tell the taxi driver to go to the same travel agency (Akhbar Travels). I presume this was a required location.
The taxi driver is going to great lengths to not be filmed on television. How can he see the road?!
Oh. It’s just a seat cover. I suppose the purpose of the towel wrapping the seat is to absorb all of the sweat from driving around Varanasi each day.
JET: I think the Cowboys are ready to get out of India. We’re done playing Cowboys and Indians.
A zinger which will become all too familiar once Leo & Jamal battle them.
Yep. This isn’t even close to being the end of our travels with Jet & Cord.
– Kent & Vyxsin bring up the rear at 3:44am. Vyxsin points out she and Kent are the last dating couple left.
Actually, they were the only dating couple cast in this entire season. Unless Margie & Luke, Ron & Christina, or Mel & Mike are committing incest, or Jaime & Cara both realized they swing the other way, Kent & Vyxsin earn this title by default.
VYXSIN: A romantic relationship is a little bit different. It can get to a point where you’re like “GET AWAY FROM ME! AAAAAAH.”
Please show footage if Vyxsin ever turns into that during an argument.
This relationship is already getting a bit cold between the two of them–which is fitting that they are going to Vienna!
– We cut back to the travel agency.
In an unusual move by editors, the laptop is blurred out. Is there top secret sensitive information that puts India’s national security at risk if exposed to America?
– The agent informs them the connection via Delhi will get them in at 6:00am. Flight Time follows it up with asking if there is an earlier one.
– Turns out there is an additional connection in Mumbai that gets in at 5:35am.
That’s good. Real good.
Big Easy gets his TAR 15 compadres to get on board.
– We cut to Kisha & Jen in another room of the same freakin’ travel agency.
But first, a message from our sponsours.
I personally think the TrailBlazers of Portland would be more welcome around the Harlem Globetrotters in this travel agency.
But not so much on Dancing With the Stars.
Yeah, I don’t think Clyde likes talking about that experience.
The Varanasi TrailBlazers get the job done, though.
Now it’s just a matter of sitting around.
– Well, that is until Gary & Mallory show up.
MALLORY: Quickest arrival. Same as them.
KISHA: They want to get in very very very late.
“Are they being serious? I feel like I am being tricked again for some reason.”
MALLORY: Uh. . .No.
(Cue KISHA laugh.)
KISHA LAUGH COUNT: 6
Kisha is in a good mood today.
– Mallory does an awkward imitation of Kisha’s laugh unintentionally.
GARY (to the agent): We want to get in before them.
Especially when Mallory is showing signs that Kisha’s laugh is contagious.
– Jet & Cord also arrive at the travel agency. Zev & Justin are seated directly behind them.
. . .Then Delhi to Mumbai before heading to Vienna. We know.
Finally. A movie where the Indian is the hero and the Cowboy is the villain.
With only NEL left for the whole season, Zev & Justin need to keep their mouth shut to preserve this 25 minute jump on Jet & Cord.
– But then something weird happens. Jet says they declined every flight that has two or more connections prior to arriving at Vienna.
JET: Every flight that gets there earlier has two connections. Every flight we’ve been on in this country has been delayed by twenty thirty-five minutes. I don’t know if it’s worth the risk. You can lose thirty minutes anywhere, but we’re going to roll the dice.
Okay, let’s press the ‘pause’ button on this.
This is REALLY stupid logic given the current scenario. Think about it.
Jet & Cord know all of the other teams are on the Varanasi – Delhi – Mumbai – Vienna flight together. No one has a head start. No one has a deficit.
If your flight gets in early, you all get in early.
If your flight gets delayed, you all get delayed.
There is absolutely no reason for Jet & Cord to skip this flight. Particularly when it is in favour of choosing a flight that is most likely going to put them TWENTY-FIVE minutes behind all other teams.
It makes zero sense. The whole point of TAR is to not be last until the final round of play. Here the name of the game is just to ensure you are not last, and Jet & Cord are going out of their way to ensure this happens.
Why are they doing this? If they catch up and survive just like they did in the last leg, their threat level to the other teams significantly increases. If they don’t catch up, they’re out of the race.
It is like Jet & Cord are wanting to show off that they are so damn good that they can overcome every setback thrown at them, and know in the final edit that the silly ‘cowboy’ theme will play and this will become a huge storyline for the episode on TV. And that my friends, is just plain ridiculous.
Flight Time can’t help but smirk; Jet lightly nods.
“We may be knocked off the saddle, but the drama on TV will keep the casual fans on the edge of their seats!”
– Kent & Vyxsin are outside of the travel agency.
VYXSIN: We gotta pay our taxi.
KENT: I need the light. I cannot see.
VYXSIN: I really wanna go outside–
KENT: I cannot see.
KENT: I can only do it so fast.
I never thought Kent & Vyxsin would be the team to reprise one of Teri & Ian’s TAR 3 arguments. Kent nearly got it verbatim.
Unbeknownst to Kent & Vyxsin, there is a new development.
The classic TAR soundtrack, I think it is called “Somebody’s Watching Me” on the CD, begins to play.
At least he is more disguised than the freakin’ Greek statue standing behind Rockwell in daylight. How does Rockwell not see him?!
KENT: I can only do it so fast.
If only Michael Scott was Kent’s teammate.
It should be noted that Kent is thumbing through the Rupee notes in a slow manner.
– Kent & Vyxsin make it into the agency.
And Vyxsin’s patience may be a bit limited today.
KENT: Let’s get it together here. Don’t pinch me.
VYXSIN: Don’t talk to me.
KENT: I’ll step on your head. I don’t care.
VYXSIN: I’ll kick you in the head.
This is like something out of a piece of Andy Samberg dialogue.
“I am going to get you better, then I am going to BEAT YOU TO DEATH!”
This is already better than any movie offered on all three plane rides over the next twenty-four hours.
VYXSIN (quietly): Let’s just get this booked. Let him concentrate and not bicker in front of people.
It’s like Kent just got scolded by his mother.
He won’t even get to use his phone until he gets his homework done for the night.
KENT: Let’s get this booked. I don’t know. I don’t care.
Apathy is the only way to squash a dispute in a relationship.
If the Double Express Pass twist were in play, I know who would be the recipient for this season.
– Kent & Vyxsin, after Vyxsin recovered from Kent stomping on her face, book the 5:35am flight.
KENT: We have a flight arriving at 5:35am which is the earliest possibility.
VYXSIN: With the rest of the teams. Yaaaaay.
“Even -we- got on this flight!”
– Sunrise. Gary points out that the Cowboys are the only ones not on this flight. Everyone boards the plane.
Flight Time flashes a sign for the camera. I have no idea what that means. Five fingers means five teams are on the plane? Or he is trying to say “GET TO THE CHOPPA!”
– Plane takes off.
– We cut to Jet & Cord heading into the airport.
CORD: We are Lone Rangers once again.
That’s why they did it. Jesus. I have heard of various reality TV characters going out of their way to reinforce their self-affixed label, but this is going to an extreme.
Jet & Cord are taking this narrative to a place where the sun don’t shine.
CORD: We’re either gonna lose big or win big.
JET: Either way we go big.
Ugh. “Nobody plays this race like us!” Such a Hantz mentality.
– TAR 4 soundtrack plays as the other five teams land in Vienna.
– Everyone runs to the parking lot. Kent & Vyxsin are first to the clue.
KENT: Get into gear! Climb into a 2012 Ford Focus where Phil will tell you what you need to know!
How is Phil going to tell them? Is it going to be a different Phil? Dr. Phil? Phil Davis?
VYXSIN: Listen! You can hear him! He’s in there!
Is he actually trapped? Is Phil Keoghan, the host of The Amazing Race, locked inside of a 2012 Ford Focus?
“Help, Vyxsin! I’ve been kidnapped and thrown into this 2012 Ford Focus trunk! To open the trunk, all it takes is the press of a button to reveal this roomy and cushiony space! It also can function as a tent for those outdoor adventures on the road!
PHIL: Alright, teams. You’ll be getting your next clue from the new MyFord Touch system.
Saaaaaay whaaaaaat? We need to know more!
Kent is very intrigued.
PHIL: So to figure out where you need to go next, simply put the car in reverse to automatically activate the back-up camera.
Or just simply walk behind your car, but that would be too easy.
Look at that state-of-the-art back-up camera!
PHIL: By the way, the winners of this leg will win a 2012 Ford Focus. That’s one for each of you. So get to work.
VYXSIN: . . .Okay, good.
Wow. The 2012 Ford Focus is like a slightly less sh–ty version of the Pontiac Aztec.
“If you don’t show enough enthusiasm or screw up being able to properly operate this vehicle, it will be taxis for the rest of your days. Insurance costs are just too damn high for us without a sponsourship.”
Vyxsin casually doodling during the prize announcement is certainly not helping matters.
– Vyxsin writes down the letters as Kent drives it in reverse. Yeah, this is not a very exciting task.
Ford sponsours Spelling Bees too.
– Zev & Justin are second to the clue.
Electronic Phil creeps out Justin.
– Kisha & Jen are third into the car. Kisha begins to back it up, unlike Vyxsin.
Not like that, Lil Jon.
This is the closest we’re ever going to get to that happening.
– Gary takes the wheel as well as Big Easy.
– Vyxsin screams at Kent to slow down. The tires screech.
VYXSIN: Okay–hold it! Slow down!
KENT: You told me to go!
VYXSIN: Go back slowly so I can make sure that’s right.
KENT: I am!
It doesn’t matter who is driving between them. There will always be issues.
– Mallory has less of a reaction to the notion of a free car rather than a bottle of Snapple. Hilarious.
– The Globetrotters start spelling out the location.
If you can find a way to create a shortcut for yourself on The Amazing Race, do it.
Although it does come with a risk. To the Schloss Schloss you go, Globetrotters!
– Zev & Justin complete the toughest active route info in TAR history.
Schloss Schallaburg? That’s the most German name I have ever heard.
Teams must now drive to this castle.
Which apparently is the Community College for Hogwarts.
Damn you, producers. You spoiled us the location of the following route marker!
By the way, Ford has a strong commitment to safety on the road.
– Zev tells Justin that they are leaving in first.
Justin may question that because this was literally a one-dimensional task.
No, really. The entire task took place on a straight line which stretches about ten metres. This really is a one-dimensional task.
Kent & Vyxsin were in the lead for a grand total of twenty seconds today. Everyone will want them in the Final Three after screwing up the simplest task thrown at them thus far.
– Vyxsin figures out.
KENT: I love this Ford Focus.
Wunderbar AND Ford plugs? Kent & Vyxsin are rapidly becoming sellouts.
– Kisha & Jen complete the task. Jen furthers the promotional campaign.
Yeah right, Jen. We know deep down you want nothing more than a lifetime supply of mango flavoured Snapple.
– Gary has Old Man Syndrome as he struggles with the touch screen.
“We don’t have Atari gadgets like this in Kentucky.”
“Where’s the ‘any’ key, Mall?”
GARY: Is this it?
MALLORY (sad): No.
GARY: Gah hell.
This is the most I have seen Gary struggle with a task in his sixteen leg run.
– Globetrotters have the right answer. Flight Time pronounces ‘Schloss Schallaburg’ as ‘Skloss Skallaburg’. He did so without a Terminator voice.
– Gary sees the Globetrotters pulling out.
MALLORY: Oh no!
GARY: We’re just missing it!
Gary is getting unusually frustrated.
The lead is slipping away.
Nevermind. It has fully slipped.
MALLORY: So it’s not something on there?
GARY: I don’t see it.
Mallory’s pigtails weep.
Gary is ready to murder a 2012 Ford Focus.
GARY: It doesn’t do it. We can’t go anywhere.
Gary is clearly gesturing towards producers.
GARY: Bad start!
More like no start.
– Commercial break. We resume Gary’s fight with technology in the parking lot. He listens to Phil’s tutorial.
PHIL: If you don’t get it on the first attempt, drive forward to your starting position, put the car in reverse, and you’ll automatically activate the back-up camera again.
“Please don’t screw this up, Gary. We are counting on Ford’s support.”
Just like in video game design, you know it has become too complicated if it requires a tutorial level.
– Gary follows the tutorial and realize the letters were written on the ground rather than the navigation system.
– Jet & Cord are in the parking lot alone and are shown completing the task instantly.
– Zev & Justin stop at a gas station. Kent & Vyxsin enter behind them.
A lot of people are out and about at six in the morning getting their early coffee.
Kent & Vyxsin have no choice but to wait patiently as Justin receives proper directions.
– Kent & Vyxsin approach the same man after Zev & Justin exit.
KENT: Excuse me, can you show us the same place please?
He is getting gang banged for directions.
– Kisha & Jen join Kent & Vyxsin. Kisha asks Vyxsin if she can use her map, but Vyxsin says she is paying for her own map. Kisha & Jen ask the same guy for directions and buy a map as well.
KENT: Do you understand the directions?
KENT: You got it pretty well?
VYXSIN: It’s pretty good, yeah.
KENT: Good job, baby.
As long as Vyxsin doesn’t confirm the directions with her compass, they should be safe.
After helping out half of the teams, he can finally enjoy his morning coffee. Sheesh.
– Globetrotters enter a random hotel.
Although it looks more like a rich person’s kitchen.
FLIGHT TIME: So Schloss Schallaburg is a town?
“Do I get a cookie?”
MAN: No. Schloss means castle.
“Oh. Next time I’ll just keep my guesses to myself.”
The Globetrotters’ journey is sponsoured by Ford and Google Maps.
– Gary & Mallory enter the exact same gas station as the other three teams, but from somebody else. He must have had enough sense to finish his coffee and run.
MALLORY (opera voice): We’re on our way to the castle. We’re going to the castlllllle.
Some people prefer a morning coffee, but Gary prefers a morning headache. Enjoy the opera for the whole drive to Schloss Schallaburg!
– Jet & Cord attempt to scale the driver’s side of a semi-truck to get directions.
“Should I get a bit closer to hear you?”
“Does this make you feel uncomfortable?”
– Zev & Justin find the road to the castle.
ZEV: I don’t like the cold weather. This is not going to be good.
You don’t like the Japanese. You don’t like China. You don’t like water. You don’t like the noise in India. You don’t like tasting tea. You don’t like the Chinese Pope.
What -do- you like, Zev?
At least Justin planned ahead to grow a beard for warmth.
Zev regrets not doing so.
– Zev & Justin park the car.
ZEV: Do we have to run up this hill? I feel like Rocky.
And Rocky didn’t even have a toque to wear.
But he did have the cast of Family Edition supporting him.
– After Zev celebrates at the top of the hill, they stumble upon the courtyard.
This is a cool setup.
– A soundtrack begins that resembles a film adaptation of a Shakespeare play.
“Come forth and I shall turn this cauldron into a toad!”
“Remember this spell,
remember it well.”
“Would you like this copy of Hogwarts: A History?”
– Zev & Justin see the inside cover that lists the national library.
ZEV: Do we go here?
A subtitle appears as if it is confirming Zev’s assumption. Phil was too lazy to introduce the location himself.
By the way, how cold is it there? Look at how chilly Justin’s breath is when he exhales!
– Justin implores Zev to move faster but I think this is audio stolen from another episode, and doesn’t actually apply to this scene.
JUSTIN: We didn’t have to do much thee; we just had to grab a book from chick from Harry Potter.
“You’re making fun of -me- for dressing up as a Harry Potter character?!”
“I’m not the one wearing the Gryffindor toque!”
– Kent & Vyxsin and Kisha & Jen take a casual stroll up the trail.
KENT: Let’s help each other find it.
Kisha & Jen are wise to trail behind Kent. History from this season dictates that Kent is not much for keeping to his word when it involves alliances.
KENT: Here it is! It looks special!
Since when did Kent become the Church Lady?
KENT: Look! There’s a special man!
He even points too. There are so many things wrong with this.
a) Kent is pointing at somebody who he thinks is mentally challenged.
b) That’s not a man.
I think either Avada Kedavra or the Cruciatus curse may be in order.
KENT: Go up! Let’s go visit him! He looks nice.
Kent has never been this excited all season long. He shall be disappointed once he reaches the top of the stairs.
The special man doesn’t even look at Kent.
Those might be the biggest earmuffs I have ever seen in my life.
– Kisha & Jen get out of the castle before Kent & Vyxsin.
KENT (whisper): Faster. We’re going down the hill.
Why is there a need to whisper? Kisha & Jen have already run ahead of you.
– Vyxsin tells Kent to go back the way they came, and are off.
– Globetrotters are fourth to Hogwarts. They are also mildly annoyed by having to go back the way they came.
Big Easy does not like being cold.
– Gary & Mallory pull up as they see the Globetrotters run out. Mallory sounds like a cranky ten year old when she talks about always wanting to see a castle.
Which I guess isn’t too much of a stretch.
– Big Easy informs them that they are not last. Gary & Mallory see the witch in the castle.
One hand up in the air at a slight angle as she stands from a balcony? That’s a page taken straight out of another Austrian I know.
– Gary & Mallory retreat back to their car.
MALLORY: You okay, Dad?
Mallory doesn’t believe him.
– Jet & Cord make it to the castle alone without a team in sight.
“I wonder who wrote this? Oh, is that not important?”
JET: There’s no way there is somebody behind us.
CORD: Jet and I have been making a habit of starting in last. You can’t survive and win the million dollars.
A habit which you voluntarily chose to adopt–it’s like the equivalent of smoking cigarettes on The Amazing Race. Sure, it makes you look cool in front of your peers, but is it really the best thing for your personal health in the race?
– Kent & Vyxsin’s antics resume.
VYXSIN: OK, what’s this?
KENT: This isn’t anything.
VYXSIN: I said ‘take your first turn’. You didn’t do it.
KENT: I know, but you didn’t point it out to me until it was too late for me to turn.
VYXSIN: I just need you to quit acting like a chick, and maybe just go in like a problem solving mode, and not like emotional ‘me blaming’ mode.
I should note it is International Women’s Day as I write about this scene.
‘Me blaming’ mode comes right before ‘We breaking up’ mode.
– We cut to the National Library.
But first, classic scenic B-Roll.
And next on our tour, these are the very horses which witnessed Millie punching DK in the mouth to grab a ticket for the fiacre.
ZEV: Where’s the library?
JUSTIN: That’s what we got to find.
Zev just became the latest victim in Justin’s subtle sarcasm.
Now that’s a library.
Is that a statue of a seal? I didn’t know they had seals in Vienna.
– Kisha & Jen are second to the library.
Geez. My library suddenly seems lame.
Nothing like a good ol’ fresco in the library.
Beethoven gazes into your soul. . .or maybe he is some elderly drunk guy. I dunno.
If you played the “Where Am I Going to Live?” game with this globe, chances are you wil be moving somewhere just north of the equator.
ZEV: Who is this guy? He looks helpful.
I have encountered strange people in the library, but a man with a treasure chest on his back may be a first.
– Justin gives him the book.
I would laugh so hard if he just starts biting off the pages in the book and spits them onto the floor.
The chick from Harry Potter is not only not the biggest nerd they have encountered, but not even the biggest nerd they have met this morning.
The unaired task here is that he would retrieve the clue if you were able to go longer than ten seconds without yelling ‘NERRRRRRD’.
– Detour. Long Hard Walk or Quick And Easy Meal?
Better than the confusing “Work Bench” and “Bench Work”.
Long Hard Walk is one of the options?
I didn’t know Dewey Cox was Viennese.
Oh, Phil is too good for a library, but he is willing to explain the Detour.
PHIL: The people of Vienna have made countless contributions to almost every aspect of European culture.
The same can’t be said about the people of Riga. They haven’t done sh-t.
– Teams will experience two things Vienna is famous for.
In Long Hard Walk, they will go to the museum which was the former home of author Sigmund Freud. They must transport a couch one mile to the University of Vienna where Freud once lectured. Once delivered, they will receive their next clue.
In Quick & Easy Meal, teams head to the Wiener Riesenrad which is a giant Ferris Wheel made famous in the Orson Welles film “The Third Man” (I think this was parodied in The Simpsons episode where Bart and Lisa tail Homer and Marge on a holiday).
Anyways, they pick up two local meals and deliver them to a dining cart. Accompanied by traditional Viennese music, they must eat all of the food within one twelve minute rotation of the Ferris Wheel. If they complete the task, the next clue is theirs.
Question: When do the lasers start shooting out of his eyes?
If you’re a motherlover, he’s also a motherlover. You can gather what his suggestion will be.
They should have to memorize that entire phrase. If you’re wrong, you have to carry the couch back to get a second glance.
Since when did Dan Miragliotta become a clue giver on The Amazing Race?
As somebody who walks to Subway, eats a foot long sub, and returns back to work all within my thirty minute break, I can assure you that quantity of food would be no problem for me.
Well, except for the stupid meat involved.
I personally prefer the High Roller in Vegas.
At least there they let you drink however much you want while on board, and give you thirty minutes rather than a measly twelve to enjoy it.
The number ‘4’? Is that a clue to the identity of The Mole?
Look at how unimpressed she is by the violinist on board.
Please just stop the–please just stop the–please just stop the music.
If Ray Liotta chose to age naturally without plastic surgery.
– Zev & Justin decide to eat. They run into an incoming Kisha & Jen.
KISHA: Let’s eat.
JEN: How do we know how big the meal is?
KISHA: It don’t care. We got twelve minutes to eat.
That time when Kisha thinks about if production would troll her with a gigantic plate like at All You Can Eat steakhouses in the middle of Texas. Eat in less than twelve minutes and your meal is free!
– Kent & Vyxsin and Flight Time & Big Easy pull into the library parking lot at roughly the same time.
Did we already mention how much Big Freezy hates the cold?
VYXSIN: You guys want to do this together.
Man. Kent & Vyxsin are really hoping to build alliances this late into the game.
– Gary & Mallory are shown pulling in seconds later.
Gary looks like a ninety year old when driving.
– Gary & Mallory enter a library.
MALLORY (hushed voice): Wowwww. It’s a beautiful library.
It’s not even eight o’ clock in the morning. I doubt you have to worry about many people being inside.
– Gary wants to do Quick & Easy Meal.
GARY: We can eat that. I’ll eat mine and half of yours.
Geez. That’s the most Dad-like quote I have ever had. This is what happens every time my father and mother go out to a restaurant together.
MALLORY: Which one you want to do? I don’t want you mad at me.
GARY: That’s what we’re gonna do. We just have to hurry.
Mallory is tiny. I doubt she has the appetite of a Gilmore Girl.
– So how did they pass the Globetrotters and Kent & Vyxsin?
This is what happens when followers work together. It’s the blind leading the blind!
– Kent & Vyxsin and Flight Time & Big Easy have split up. Shortest alliance ever? Both teams have yet to find the library.
KENT: Vyxsin! Look! Look at these words please!
“This one has five syllables! Aren’t you impressed by that?”
– Zev & Justin and Kisha & Jen board a train. Kisha & Jen discuss their upcoming meal.
As soon as Jen said those words, she knew editors were going to subtitle it.
KISHA: I bet you it’s going to be humongous.
JEN: I told you!
Note to self: The only way for Kisha & Jen to get airtime is if they talk about eating humongous wieners.
– Globetrotters find the backpack librarian and decide to move the couch.
How confident are Flight Time & Big Easy that they can beat Kent & Vyxsin this leg?
Well. . .
They are so confident that Flight Time is willing to piss away their lead.
NOTE: I swear libraries contain the most urine of any structure in town.
– Kent is amazed by the number of books.
As long as it is from the Gothic era, that is.
– Kent & Vyxsin receive the clue from the backpack librarian. He flips the clue over as it is accompanied by a cheesy sound effect.
“All I have is an envelope.”
“Oh wait, it’s your clue. What? What? I’m a f–king wizard.”
– Vyxsin opts to move a couch.
She clearly has not learned that Kent sucks at transporting objects up and down stairs.
– Kisha & Jen exit the train. They run slightly ahead of Zev & Justin.
ZEV: Don’t. Throw. Up.
At least you don’t have to eat your meal on this.
Ah. I wonder if that dog is wearing a FitBit?
– Kisha & Jen grab their meals.
JEN: This is. Like. Crazy.
If it is any consolation, this food is of higher quality than the Sloppy Joe’s in the school cafeteria.
– Jen requests ketchup; there is no response. The latch to the cart closes.
No one gets in.
No one gets out.
The good news is producers do not have to give you as much money to buy food for this leg of the race. Got to slash those costs!
Kisha keeps her face about two inches above her plate. That is indeed the proper food shovelling technique!
This is the worst gig for a musician ever.
“If they are too focused on the food, they won’t be listening to my music–I need to get closer! Spread the word! Follow me @vienneseviolinferriswheelplayer!”
– Zev & Justin see their plates.
JUSTIN: Oh boy, Zev. This is a lot of schnitzel, dude. If we won’t do this, we have to hike a mile with a couch with this food in our belly.
And judging by that big slice of cake, you’ll collapse before the mile walk is over thanks to an epic sugar crash.
JUSTIN: There’s only do; there is no try right now.
“Did he just quote Star Wars? I know his dad was apart of the production for Revenge of the Nerds, but this is too much.”
Unfortunately the orchestra is no John Williams. Sorry Justin.
JUSTIN: Just start stuffing. Don’t cut it into little pieces, c’mon.
The onlookers outside of the glass are hoping for the next vomiting extravaganza in TAR history.
JUSTIN: So right away we start stuffing these things down our faces and we start sweating.
Well, look at how far the fork is in your mouth, Justin.
That fork is starting to get into the Jessica & Brittany Dieting Zone.
– We cut to Gary & Mallory running to the subway.
There is a lot of construction in Vienna.
– Mallory makes a funny noise as she runs.
GARY: Sounds like we’re going to have to eat a lot of food.
MALLORY: We can do it; he’ll be eating some of my food. He eats this fast anyway.
“Which is why half of his backpack is filled with bottles of Tums.”
A daughter’s favourite past time is making a joke at her father’s expense.
– Flight Time doesn’t want to eat because he doesn’t want to take the chance of throwing up.
– Kisha & Jen are not having fun with this Detour.
It really is.
– They are halfway through their time but definitely not halfway through their food.
JEN: What happens if we don’t finish?
Jen wasted two seconds asking that question when she could have spent that precious time eating!
Judging by the fact that they are merely starting their slice of cake, I think Kisha might be wrong.
– Zev & Justin discuss their fate in the Detour.
Wow. Zev is not hungry. At all. I know they are at the top of the Ferris Wheel, but if they do the proper dive rolling technique, they can land on the ground safely.
“At least you didn’t have to eat seven burritos in ten minutes!”
– The Willy Wonka-esque burping begins.
Keep burping, Zev. It’s the only way to make room.
Burping is hilarious, Justin? How old are you? Five?
JUSTIN: I hate winner schnitzel. This was a terrible idea. SECOND WIND! SECOND WIND! RIGHT NOW!
– Kent & Vyxsin are taking the bus like losers.
A bus where Kent has his passport with him.
– We cut back to the Ferris Wheel.
I bet the editors didn’t care if they labelled who is in which cart correctly–it’s just a visual cue that Kisha & Jen are about to be at the bottom.
– Eating time is over.
Some people get fifteen minutes of fame, but violinists only receive twelve.
This Detour task did not meet Kisha’s expectations.
JEN: We have to eat this all over again? There’s no way in Hell.
What a waste of delicious cake.
“This food should be given to the stahvin children.”
– Gary & Mallory are at the base as they pass by Kisha & Jen.
MALLORY: Are you done?
GARY: Was it hard?
JEN: It’s. . .
KISHA: Y’all be alright.
UGH. WHAT LIARS!!! I HAVE LOST ALL RESPECT FOR KISHA & JEN!!!! F–K YOU GUYS!!!!11111ONEONEONE.
– Zev & Justin’s Twelve Minutes of Gorging is nearly over.
Just a few more bites, Justin. . .er, a few -dozen- more bites, I should say.
The fork is down.
Justin is suffering from Meat Sweats.
Which I hear is -almost- as bad as dehydration.
ZEV: C’mon you fat pig.
Channel your Inner Kevin & Drew.
– The waiter starts shaking his head in disappointment.
“You say you are American with your food portions, but here you eat like a petite French mademoiselle. Shame on you, good sir!”
I don’t know if Justin can get up.
– Time expires.
ZEV: I want to talk to the manager.
I wouldn’t do it, Zev. They’ll just spit on your schnitzel if you come back for a Switchback task.
JUSTIN: That was a disaster.
ZEV: We should pretend like we did it if we see another team.
– Gary & Mallory run into Zev & Justin too.
MALLORY: Did you finish?
JUSTIN: It’s fantastic.
ZEV: Go get it!
“Both of them did it? This shouldn’t be so hard!”
JUSTIN: It’s delicious!
Wait a minute. There’s no such thing as delicious schnitzel.
JUSTIN: We didn’t lie. I mean, it was pretty good tasting.
ZEV: Go get em, Gary and Mal Mal.
(Burp on audio.)
– Gary tells Mallory she cannot eat until they are inside. Such a parental thing to say. T
GARY: Alright, eat. It’s closed!
How many violinists are there hired for this ride?
MALLORY: We have to cut it up?
Using utensils on this task is a big mistake. You really have to dig in with their hands. I bet that was the biggest time waster for the other two teams. We even saw Jen delicately cutting her cake slice in half.
MALLORY: It was game time. I was going to finish that plate. I’m not going to pig out on those calories for nothing.
Miss Kentucky Fried, ladies and gentlemen!
Mallory loves leg eights on The Amazing Race.
I can assure you Mallory will be going on the Lettuce Diet after the season is over.
– We see Flight Time & Big Easy run into the museum. Flight Time reveals his Masters in Psychology.
Lift with your knees, boys.
FLIGHT TIME: I don’t know nothing about the couch. I guess he just enjoyed couches and relaxing on couches. Maybe he was doing his philosophical thing, and lay on the couch and have his weird Freudian slips.
You would think Flight Time should be the one with the band-aid on his head right now.
After Freud retired from his practice, he opened a youth hostel, didn’t you know?
– Kent urges Vyxsin to hustle as he sees the Globetrotters exiting the entrance with a couch.
Which comes with a skateboard.
– Nevermind. It’s the dolly that they must put underneath the couch.
This makes the task a helluva lot easier.
That is -not- bending with your knees, Vyxsin.
– Kisha & Jen are running an see Kent & Vyxsin.
KENT: I’m going to go as fast as I can while I got the strength.
From first to fourth just like that. By the way, I am impressed Kent is taking the lead with transporting a heavy object for once.
Okay. It didn’t last for too long. Why aren’t they using the Dolly?
Kisha needs to be careful when walking backwards. She might trip and fall on the penis–er, I mean ground.
– Jen’s biggest concern for this task?
– We check in on Mallory’s meal.
Plenty of room left in her stomach.
MALLORY: How time do we got left Dad?
Gary is about to answer the question, but some jerk interrupts him.
Mal, you’re almost out of time and all you got is *chika* four minutes, fourrrr minutes.
So grab some cake.
And grab a schnitzel!
Keep it down, keep it down, Mallory.
Gary gotta give it all his heart. Tick tock tick tock tick tock.
– Dear God. Jet & Cord are at the library and have their clue. They immediately go with the couch.
Stick a fork in em–they’re done. 😦
– Time is over for Gary & Mallory.
GARY: I thought I could eat my portion and part of hers, but there is no way.
You can’t say she didn’t try.
That guy is creepin’ me out.
No wonder Mallory didn’t have an appetite.
– Commercial break.
MALLORY: We’re gonna switch.
GARY: I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I should have listened to you, Mal.
MALLORY: I can throw up and try it again, Dad.
Spoken like a true pageant queen.
GARY: No. No. No. Find out where the Freud Museum is.
Geez, Gary. Why don’t you be supportive in all of her decisions?
– Gary & Mallory make it back to the train.
GARY: When you do both sides of the Detour, that’s bad. You really let people catch up.
Indeed. No U-Turned team has ever defeated a non-U-Turned team in TAR US history up to this point.
– Flight Time warns Big Easy about wearing himself out as he carries the couch alone and is walking uphill.
How To Ruin Your Posture 101.
Hopefully there is no oncoming traffic.
– Kent & Vyxsin try to re-lift their couch.
Why the heck would Kent rely on his triceps to lift it?
VYXSIN: Do it how you did it last time. Quit being stupid.
Kent stops being stupid, and lifts it the proper way. He compliments his pink kitten taking the lead.
KISHA: Jen, that rug is getting really really dirty.
JEN: That’s okay. It said nothing about keeping it clean!
I feel bad for the next patient who tries to lie down on this couch.
– Zev burps again before entering the museum. Justin notes there are a few couches missing. Yep, eating was a waste of time.
ZEV: Ah. My back.
JUSTIN: Zev. We’ve got a long way to go, dude. Settle in, buddy.
That is different from what my brother tells me when I help him move furniture–“Logan, we’ve got a long way to go. Just go over there and drink chocolate milk until we’re done.”
– The Globetrotters are now on the road.
“If our Dolly scratches your window, please contact our insurance reps.”
Drivers will be disappointed when they do not perform a slam dunk as they use Freud’s couch as a launching point.
– Kent’s next moment of hilarity is here.
KENT (comes to a complete stop): IT’S GONNA FALL! IT’S GONNA FALL!
Vyxsin takes the subtle hint from Kent.
For some reason, Kent didn’t drop when he was the one screaming about falling.
VYXSIN: Let go. I’m getting in the front. Quit whining.
KENT: I can’t help it! It was gonna fall!
VYXSIN Pick it up.
It should be noted that leg eight was also the demise of Kent & Vyxsin in TAR 12.
– Kisha & Jen and Zev & Justin both switch from using the Dolly to carrying it.
ZEV: Oh, look. There’s the Cowboys.
Oh geez. Look at who the cat dragged in.
JUSTIN: They’re gonna pass us.
ZEV: No, they’re not.
Zev ever being the optimist.
– Jet & Cord celebrate seeing Zev & Justin.
CORD: It’s the first light at the end of the tunnel.
I. . .I don’t think that is a saying.
– They are practically running with their couch on the street.
– We switch to the Globetrotters who go inside of the university to get directions.
“Huh? Which way?”
“I don’t understand what this guy is trying to tell us.”
– After walking in snowy weather, Flight Time must now go up stairs in wet shoes.
And it. . .
. . .Does not. . .
. . .Go well.
FLIGHT TIME: Ahhhhh.
BIG EASY: I got you, I got you.
How does Big Easy have him? The damage has been done.
– Flight Time gets up and they finish the job.
Flight Time is more cautious on these steps.
– Flight Time announces his arrival into the room.
Did they clear an entire room just for teams to drop off dirty couches?
The couch couldn’t be dirtier now.
– Globetrotters read that they must drive to the city of Salzburg.
Although if you instead turn right you can hook up with the Linz Family.
– Teams must drive to Salzburg and find the Sternbrau Restaurant for their next clue.
Another food related task? Really?
– Globetrotters talk about the task.
FLIGHT TIME: That was not fun.
BIG EASY: That was terrible.
FLIGHT TIME: People looking at us like we some nuts.
BIG EASY: What did Freud did? Freud Uh–
FLIGHT TIME: Dude used to have dreams about sleeping with his Momma and all that kind of crazy stuff.
We’ll accept that as an answer. That’s not the quite the same phrasing my textbook used.
– Kent & Vyxsin’s bickering resumes.
KENT: I’m walking backwards! Not too fast!
Kent bailing and having a car run over him would be a hilarious twist in this episode.
– Kent & Vyxsin have changed positions, but has not changed Kent’s tone.
KENT: Stoppppp. Stoppppppppppppp.
VYXSIN: Put it down.
(They put it down.)
VYXSIN: Kent, you know what you sound like? You sound like a ridiculous baby.
It is like Kent is carrying the torch for Nick DeCarlo since the last season ended.
– Jen is not enjoying this couch transport much either.
Wouldn’t that logic apply to almost any task on The Amazing Race? For instance, the property owner who allowed you guys to install Chinese solar panels likely hired a professional crew after you left to ensure it was all safely installed.
– Justin is dragging the couch on a Dolly by himself.
JUSTIN: Can you make sure it’s not dragging, please?
ZEV: It’s about to fall off.
JUSTIN: You’re not giving me a lot of help here, buddy.
ZEV: I’m trying.
I’m sure it’s all fine, Justin.
Oh. The rug is caught.
I haven’t seen so many people hate couches since Rick James visited Eddie Murphy’s house.
“F–k your couch, Sigmund!”
– Extremely over-the-top music plays as the Cowboys walk around locals on the street.
“Howdy, folks. Autographs will be signed -after- the show!”
JET: I’m thinking it could be faster: I could lay on the couch, and tell Cord all of my feelings, and he could push me.
I don’t think Cord has much strength to transport the couch as it is.
CORD: I don’t need nobody’s feelings that bad.
Why does that answer not surprise me?
– Gary & Mallory are last to the Freud Museum.
I wonder if they catch on that the other teams were lying when they are lifting the final couch out of the room.
MALLORY: Dad, you’re driving me down the steps and I can’t see! Whoa!
Yeah, Mallory is having a tough time with her height disadvantage. Gary nearly leads Mallory into the wall with his momentum.
Gary refuses to be last today.
Gary takes hold of the couch while Mallory is using all of her muscle with that pillow.
– Kent’s Couch Saga continues.
KENT: Kent & Vyxsin’s Delivery Service, coming right at ya! Oh no!
What is it this time, Kent?
VYXSIN: Why are you freaking out? What?
KENT: Cause of these doors!
LOOK OUT, VYXSIN! THERE’S A DOOR RIGHT BEHIND YOU! ABORT! ABORT!
Don’t you know that doors are the source of all evil in classic Gothic literature? AH!
– They are on campus and appear to be extremely close to the finish.
KENT: Here! Hold on!
The strain is real.
VYXSIN: See? It’s right there. Stop whining. I’m hurting too. It’s disrespecting me that you’re being so negative.
KENT (moaning): I’m not being so negative; I’m happy.
I love that Vyxsin physically points out that they are just feet away from the finish.
– They are now in the hallway. Just a little bit further–
KENT: I CAN’T! STOP! I CAN’T!
VYXSIN: If you need to stop just say you need to stop.
KENT: I am, but every time I say I need to stop you don’t.
This task is quickly becoming legendary for Kent.
VYXSIN: Don’t drag me down.
KENT: I’m not, but we’re both in pain.
Both of you may be in pain, but only one of you is shouting STOP! STOP! STOP IN FIVE FEET! STOP AGAIN IN TEN FEET! AHHHHH! MY BICEPS ARE POPPING! MY ANUS IS BLEEDING! MY NOSE IS FROZEN FROM THE COLD WEATHER! MY SHOELACES ARE UNTIED! AHHHHHHHHHHH!
– Kent & Vyxsin complete the delivery.
Well, not before Vyxsin shoves Kent into the wall.
– Kent receives the clue.
“Yay! It’s finally over!”
There is no way Kent & Vyxsin think they are in second place after all of that.
VYXSIN: Auf Wiedersehen! Guten Tag!
Note to self: Vyxsin does not speak German.
– We get a glimpse of the clue for Salzburg.
Again, very specific information.
– Kent & Vyxsin see Kisha & Jen on their way out.
Kisha matches the muscle power of seven Kents as she single-handedly carries it up the steps.
It would be funny if Vyxsin had opened the door first and sent Jen flying down the stairs.
– Kent & Vyxsin are talking about the task while driving.
VYXSIN: I’m very proud of you, honey. You did such a good job. My only point was that if you just started going “it’s heavy, it hurts, it’s heavy, it’s taking forever, I want to get there, we’re never gonna get there”, it’s harder psychologically.
“Wow. So that’s what I sounded like.”
I love that Kent can already laugh at himself over how he performed.
– Zev & Justin make it to the top of a steep street and put the couch down. Jet & Cord see Zev & Justin ahead. Gary tells Mallory she is turning the couch, and orders her to get underneath it.
MALLORY: I can push with you!
GARY: But you’re turnin’ it! Get under it!
MALLORY: OK, I’m under it–
GARY: The Dolly!
MALLORY: I know, Dad!
That cannot be comfortable.
– I am not sure if Mallory is contributing as she pushes the couch.
“And -I- helped!”
Justin is going to be moving like Mel White by the end of this leg.
– Zev & Justin are at the university. Justin asks for directions to the room by some college kids.
When you think you are trailing, I bet a “Rest In Peace” poster is what you want to see.
We didn’t see the other two teams go up this many steps.
– Zev & Justin make it up the last flight of stairs.
Which proved to be the most treacherous for Zev.
ZEV: Can you see it?
“Mainly because our camera operator is being a jackass and standing directly in our way.”
– That stupid City Slickers theme song plays as Jet & Cord make it into the room.
How to Double the Size of the Target on Your Back: Intentionally pick another flight that arrives thirty minutes later than all other teams, and pass two of the five teams before the end of the Detour.
– Zev butchers German as he yells out to people upstairs to ask where the room is.
It’s like Justin is moving into a dorm room.
So where is the room, anyway?
Ouch. Well, it wasn’t edited out footage for the other three teams after all.
ZEV: Four other people have dropped off couches.
JUSTIN: That’s not good, Zev.
ZEV: I know.
Marietta-Blau-Saal? I think those are lyrics to Ludacris’ Stand Up.
– Justin sums up the task in two words.
– Gary & Mallory show up on campus.
Gary is kicking the pillow along. That seems dangerous. They re-adjust position.
Well, we know one thing: Gary is competitive. He even tries talking through his teeth.
MALLORY: Shoot. There’s five.
GARY: That ain’t good.
MALLORY: Drive yourselves to the city of Salzburg.
GARY: That ain’t good.
I think Gary needs a nap on one of the couches.
– Flight Time talks about being in a good spot.
FLIGHT TIME: When your car leaves the Detour first, everything looking a little better. Teammates start looking a little better.
BIG EASY: I wouldn’t go that far.
– Kent & Vyxsin keep driving.
VYXSIN: Stay on the A1 all the way into the city. Don’t turn here.
KENT: This said Salzburg. The other one didn’t.
Truth be told, I wouldn’t listen to Vyxsin’s directions either.
VYXSIN: I need you to turn on this other street! Dammit! Get back over there!
I think they should have taken advantage of the therapeutic opportunity back in Vienna.
– Zev & Justin are on the road. Justin likes his chances when driving. He passes Jet & Cord without being noticed.
– Kent & Vyxsin’s tension escalates.
VYXSIN: I can’t deal with your freakin’ psycho behaviour. I can’t handle it.
KENT: I’m not doing anything psycho. I am driving a car very calmly.
VYXSIN: I’m doing everything I can to help you, and you’re ignoring me completely and driving in circles. If we get eliminated today, I’m never going to speak to you again. I. Can’t. Handle. This.
. . .
– Commercial break. We resume.
VYXSIN: I wish you’d get back on the highway and listen to me. This is not what we want to be on. If we take one wrong turn, we can spend forty-five minutes trying to find our way again.
VYXSIN: We don’t have time for that.
Is that Vyxsin speaking?
Or Sweet Brown?
Isn’t Salzburg pretty?
– Globetrotters run to the clue box.
ROADBLOCK HINT: Who is feeling as lucky can be?
FLIGHT TIME: That’s you.
The aura around Big Easy was a big hint too.
PHIL: Chimney sweeping is a time honoured profession in Austria, and in many European cultures, chimney sweeping is a symbol of good luck.
Tell that to William Blake’s child labour of chimney sweepers.
If only street sweepers brought good luck, Nelly’s career would still be alive instead of whoring himself out to Simple Plan.
PHIL: But it’s still a dirty job, and right now somebody’s got to do it.
Words spoken by Phil Keoghan.
Although a phrase that will become all too familiar when hanging around Blair Fowler.
– One team member must dress up in a traditional chimney sweep uniform and climb to the roof. They will use a specialized weighted tool to clean out their chimney. Once they are finished, they will head to the Cleanout Door where they will retrieve their next clue.
It’s like a freakin’ snowflake.
If this were Family Edition, the Roadblock would have ended after she climbs the ladder.
I would do this Roadblock if it meant I could keep the top hat as a souvenir.
I was expecting a clue covered in soot.
– Globetrotters enter the pub to choose their Chimney Sweep Assistant.
All chimney sweepers are driven to alcoholism, didn’t you know?
– Big Easy chooses someone.
BIG EASY: I’m not gonna be quite like you, but I’ll get as close as I can.
Just in triple XL.
Much like the start of the season, the clothing is arranged in order of expected arrival at this task.
BIG EASY: My sexy knees. They’re going to be whistling from the roof.
They’re whistling already.
How is that jacket not ripping?
– Big Easy and the assistant walk through the crowded streets together. Weird fairy tale music begins playing.
Forget Mark & Mallory for TAR 24–I want Big Easy & Chimney Sweeper instead.
The real challenge for Big Easy in this task may be getting through the doorways.
– Zev is nervous about doing a task on his own.
ZEV: I’m freaking out already. It’s not a good sign.
You haven’t seen Kent & Vyxsin yet, have you? Speaking of Kent & Vyxsin, let’s check back in with them.
VYXSIN: Be careful. Don’t like, race through this cause I don’t want to miss our turn.
KENT: Well, what’s the turn?
VYXSIN: Kent, I’m trying to tell you but you have to stop talking.
Kent may take a four hour penalty if that’s the challenge.
Big Easy doesn’t need the ladder. Geez.
– It turns out this task is really lame. They just have to clean three chimney holes.
“But you get to look good while doing it.”
BIG EASY: I haven’t done anything like this. Where I grew up we didn’t have a chimney. Santa Claus came through the window. I’m cleanin’ off Santa Claus.
I can’t believe this.
We have a Chimney Cam.
– The assistant tells Big Easy when to pull the ball back up. This task requires no skill whatsoever.
This marks the world’s first ever Chimney Cleaning graphic.
– Mallory hopes for a tough Roadblock in Salzburg. Yeah, that isn’t happening.
– Big Easy is already done. No other team is present. He is guided to the cleanout door by his little assistant.
“I don’t get what the big deal about this door is–”
Big Easy ends up colliding with the wall. There really was no room for him to escape.
“Finally! I see light! This must be Heaven.”
The soot explosion was the toughest part of the task.
– Zev & Justin leap from fifth to second as they are already at the Roadblock location.
– Zev examines the selection for assistants.
ZEV: I choose you!
Chimney sweepers aren’t Pokemon, Zev.
Zev chooses an assistant and runs into Big Easy in the change room. Big Easy confirms for him that nobody else has shown up.
– The Globetrotters reunite and read they must drive themselves to the Villa Trapp.
“The Villa Trapp?”
“We can’t be going here, right?”
– Nah. The Villa Trapp was built in 1863. It was the real home of the Von Trapp family immortalized in The Sound of Music.
Access for Guests Only? You mean people still live there?!
Fun fact: The Von Trapp family defaulted on their mortgage during The Big Short.
Tear drops on Godlewskis and whiskers on Kent and Vyxsin
Green fresh kiwis and douchey hipster necklackes
Yellow race envelopes glued down with seals
These are a few of Phil’s favourite things.
When the dog jumps
When Kafka’s phone always rings
When he sees Victoria sad
He simply remembers his favourite things,
and then he doesn’t feel so bad.
There you go, Julie Andrews. You finally get mentioned on this blog you umbrella-wielding babysitting Brit.
– Big Easy points out Zev & Justin could have a map, and need to hustle.
– Zev was nervous because he is not good at making ropes, but figured it out pretty quickly.
ZEV: That’s what she said.
In December of 2010, The Office was already on its seventh season. That’s What She Said jokes were getting old by this point, but yet dressing up like a character from A Clockwork Orange wasn’t.
– Zev thinks he is done after the first hole.
You need to get your ball in two more holes, Zev.
– Kisha & Jen park and have the clue. Kent sees it on the street too.
– Zev’s assistant speaks in a whisper as he cleans out the final hole. He has to lean into her ear to hear what she is saying.
ZEV: I’m going! I’m going!
Heh. The assistant is more impatient than most TAR teammates. Is she getting rewarded in a Chimney Sweeper Pool for who helps the racer complete the task in the fastest time?
– Kisha and Vyxsin are doing the Roadblock.
Do they really need help up the ladder?
– Zev bends over to open the cleanout door.
Oh god. Zev takes a piece of soot right to the chest.
Good thing he was wearing kevlar.
– Kisha comments that the ball is really heavy and thinks she is lifting weights.
KISHA: You must be strong, huh girl?
Actually, your arms are probably just really weak from moving couches all day.
– Justin bids Kent and Jen farewell as he exits the restaurant with Zev.
How much do Kent and Jen have in common?
Answer: Very little. Have they spoken to each other all season?
– Justin asks a huge group of people for directions to Villa Trapp.
What is this? A Bangladesh leg?
Justin will have to go by consensus on this one.
The guy on the right is distrustful of American television.
– Flight Time sees a row of parked taxis. Time to get some help.
It would be funny if he was giving directions verbally, but decided to draw a kitty kat on the clue.
“So I make a right at the whisker?”
– Flight Time tells Big Easy to drive straight.
– Who shall win the battle between Kisha and Vyxsin?
Most likely Kisha.
– Kisha and Vyxsin are done in what appears to be seconds apart.
VYXSIN (reaching into hole and moaning like an adult film star): Ohhhhh. Yeahhhhh.
Production is not fooling us. They are indeed one second apart.
– Kent & Vyxsin run out of the restaurant before Kisha & Jen, but are slower to run back to the car. Vyxsin recognizes it is the Von Trapp house.
They probably fell to fourth because Vyxsin had to help Kent with sounding out the clue.
VYXSIN: They told me you need to go across the river.
Will Kent trust her? Who knows.
– Jet & Cord are at the Roadblock. Cord dresses up as that stupid cowboy theme plays for the tenth time this episode.
CORD: Look good on me?
CORD: Chicks dig it?
Nothing makes an Austrian woman wet like a chimney sweeping cowboy.
CORD: I think I might have found a new calling. Chimney sweeping at its best.
Please make Cord wear that hat for the rest of the season, and retire that gosh darn cowboy hat.
– Cord makes it up to the chimney.
CORD: It’s not my first day using a rope.
Why? I don’t get it. How is this not your first day using a–ohhhh. Because you’re a cowboy. Geez. I didn’t know that after twenty f–king episodes.
– Globetrotters are on the road and realize they have passed the pit stop, and opt to turn around. It’s a driving showdown with Zev & Justin.
JUSTIN: We’re just stumbling our way there.
I hope this isn’t close enough to be a foot race–more damage could be done if the Globetrotters have another Sam & Dan-esque incident to the Von Trapp’s living room than what the Nazi intruders did.
“What can I say?”
“I’m kind of a big deal.”
Do-Re-Mi–er, welcome to Salzburg, Austria.
ZEV (sarcastic): Thank you.
“Now shut your Von Trapp.”
“Hey Zev & Justin, remember how you were in fifth place leaving the Detour, and all that remained was an insanely easy Roadblock?”
“Well, let’s just say that everybody else sucks at self-driving.”
These celebrations are always awesome.
If you can lift a couch, you can lift a Zev.
You come back from one of the most embarrassing early exits in TAR history to winning three out of eight rounds.
A high five from Phil.
And a high five from Von Trapp.
JUSTIN: What just happened?
What just happened, Justin?
You just won a pair of these.
PHIL: Ford is giving each of you a 2012 Ford Focus including the first ever voice activated sync with MyFord technology, allowing access to your information, music, and entertainment system.
And it will be hacked within a year.
– Engines start revving as Zev & Justin are sent outside to check out their cars.
Something tells me they didn’t have a choice.
Or maybe shotgun red. So many choices.
“Oh my god!”
“We’re absolutely thrilled to have won those cars.”
Man. A house which was the basis for a memoir and one of the greatest cinematic achievements during the 20th century is now being used to hype a new fad in the American auto industry.
Could you imagine going into a time machine and telling Georg Von Trapp that an American reality show will be invading his house to shoot a commercial for a new line of products that is tied to the Henry Ford name?
MR. VON TRAPP: What about Rogers and Hammerstein–
ME: Nobody gives a sh-t about Rogers and Hammerstein anymore. There are rats living in your basement, and the wallpaper is peeling. Besides, this car has voice activation, motherf–ker. Vrooom, vroom!
It’s not Zev & Justin that are part of cultural history–it’s the Von Trapps that get to be apart of Zev & Justin’s career on The Amazing Race.
FIRST PLACE: ZEV & JUSTIN
– Globetrotters successfully backtrack and hit the mat.
SECOND PLACE: FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY
They really wanted those cars.
Try again in six seasons, guys.
PHIL: Big Easy you don’t look happy. You have a look on your face like you want to give up the whole race.
“But not your top hat!”
– Big Easy starts laughing. He just wanted first place.
– Kisha & Jen admit they are lost. They get help from a local and get back on the road.
– Kent & Vyxsin are approaching the pit stop.
VYXSIN: We’re actually freakishly close.
Er, freakishly close I mean.
Is that a BP gas station? Haven’t seen one of those in a while.
– Cord is done the Roadblock.
Is that a ghost hand coming out and threatening to pull him into the cleanout space?
It’s just more soot.
– Gary & Mallory are last to the restaurant.
The Roadblock hint couldn’t be more appropriate.
– Jet reads the clue for the pit stop inside. Mallory spots them and talks to them.
MALLORY: Are we last?
CORD: I dunno!
– Gary meanwhile picks his assistant for the Roadblock.
Uncle Gary wants you.
MALLORY: Have y’all seen Kent & Vyxsin?
JET: We’ve seen nobody.
Mallory is rightfully uneasy.
– Jet & Cord get directions from a blurred man.
CORD: It does not take long at all.
JET: We could get lost.
– Gary cleans his first chimney.
– Jen tells Kisha to make a right on the road.
KISHA: Are you sure?
The security officer says otherwise.
KISHA: This is not it, Jen. I’m going back from where I came from. Oh Lord, please let us be okay.
You know you are in a rough spot when divine intervention is more likely than Jen being able to navigate a short distance using a map.
– Kent & Vyxsin make it to the Von Trapp household.
PHIL: Kent & Vyxsin. . .
“If we lose, it’s all your fault.”
PHIL: You’re team number three!
“This can’t be happening!”
THIRD PLACE: KENT & VYXSIN
Let them savour their best finish.
They are back to their TAR 12 stride.
VYXSIN: It is odd that after a day of such hot-cold-hot-cold-hot-cold that this is the best we have ever done on the race (NOTE: They finished 2nd during the season premiere of TAR 12). Maybe we just need to fight more.
Because I don’t think they will let us down.
Well, after they do a quick Viennese Waltz.
– Back at the restaurant, Mallory starts forming a cross.
Mallory and Kisha are in the same boat.
– Gary is finished the Roadblock.
If you can’t cope, you’ll lose the rope!
– Gary finished the Roadblock within five seconds of edited footage which means he must have been fast, right?
GARY (opening the cleanout door): Ooh hoo! There’s my clue!
He couldn’t be more fascinated by the soot trick.
– Mallory, much like Vyxsin, makes the connection with the Von Trapp family. Gary confirms this for her. They drive.
– Jet & Cord are directly behind Kisha & Jen while driving.
KISHA: Ugh. The cowboys are behind us.
You may have to storm the Von Trapp living room after all, Jen.
But it’s worth the fourth place finish.
For the second time this season, Kisha & Jen edge out Jet & Cord by seconds.
FOURTH PLACE: KISHA & JEN
FIFTH PLACE: JET & CORD
Question: Which of these two teams will get a confessional and be interviewed by Phil for this mat chat?
PHIL: You’ve been racing so hard your cowboy hat is dirty.
CORD: If I win me enough money I’m going to buy me a new cowboy hat.
PHIL: You’re going to get a new one?
CORD: Yes, sir.
One day Kisha & Jen shall speak to Phil.
PHIL: You don’t mind being right at the back? These guys just whooped your ass by at least three seconds today.
Whoa. Even Phil is shocked that he swore.
CORD: It’s time to step it up or we’re going to have to go home.
In eleven more episodes, that is.
Or rather, they are on leg twenty going on twenty-one. . .
– Sad music plays as Gary & Mallory enter the house.
PHIL: Gary & Mallory. . .
How can you eliminate that face, Phil?
PHIL: You’re the last team to arrive.
How is Phil not laughing at Mallory’s expression?
Gary Ervin and Mallory Cosby brace for the worst news imaginable.
LAST PLACE: GARY & MALLORY
PHIL: I’m sorry to tell you that–
PIT STOP GREETER: So long! Farewell! Auf Wiedersehen Good night! I hate to see you go and leave this pretty sight!
. . .What?
PHIL: I’m sorry to tell you that it has put you at the back of the pack, but not out of the race.
“Phil, are you saying. . .?”
PHIL: Because it’s a Non-Elimination leg.
She gets to stay and taste her first champagne!
Mallory needs to be non-eliminated more often.
Since when did Phil start wearing earrings?
– Phil informs them of the irrelevant Speed Bump. I can’t believe this thing is still around for another ten seasons at minimum.
PHIL: You have to work extra hard to stay in this race.
Nah, not really. They are barely more of a nuisance than being last on the two To Be Continued legs this season. We have to wait until TAR 27 to have a season with only one NEL penalty.
As long as it’s not the Handikap, you’re going to be okay.
– Mallory says to have a third chance at winning the race is “the biggest blessing ever in the world”.
I thought a lifetime supply of Snapple was the biggest blessing in the world. Evidently, I was wrong.
MALLORY (claps hands): Third time’s the charm!
MALLORY: When you get something that big, you gotta do something with it.
Now THAT’S what she said.
Mallory is not so innocent after all.
P.S. Andre & Damon were on their way to Salzburg, but slept through their stop on the train. Woops!
P.P.S. TAR Asia 4 deserves credit for pioneering the implementation of all NELs while six teams still remain.
Next Time on TAR: As Gary & Mallory fight to stay in the game, teams speed across Liechtenstein, and enjoy a Swiss delicacy.
NUMBER OF TIMES MENTIONED IN THE ‘NEXT TIME ON TAR’ SEGMENT
KENT & VYXSIN 3
GARY & MALLORY 2
RON & CHRISTINA 2
ZEV & JUSTIN 2
JET & CORD 1
MEL & MIKE 1
JAIME & CARA 1
MARGIE & LUKE 1
KISHA & JEN: 1
FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY: 0
AMANDA & KRIS: 0
FLIGHT TIME.BIG EASY 4.2
KISHA.JEN 0.1 lol.
Rank the Legs
1) Kurihama, Japan -> Lijiang, China
2) Broken Hill, Australia -> Kurihama, Japan
3) Kunming, China -> Kolkata, India
4) Kolkata, India -> Varanasi, India
5) Lijiang, China -> Kunming, China
6) Varanasi, India -> Salzburg, Austria
It was time to finally get out of Asia. If I am not mistaken, this was TAR’s first return trip to Vienna since TAR 4.
Sadly, this marked the first product placement vehicle task in TAR US history. Driving in reverse slowly as somebody writes down the letters while reading off of a camera? What a lame and easy task.
The episode was also soured by the fact that, for whatever reason, Jet & Cord intentionally choose a flight that will put them behind all other teams rather than just joining with them to be equal. This allowed for Jet & Cord to become the central characters for this leg which is a tragic outcome. Well, not as tragic as the fact that they did indeed catch up and survived another round.
That Roadblock was extremely forgettable. Drop a ball into three chimney holes while being accompanied by an assistant who ensures you cannot screw up the task? I think Big Easy’s top hat and Zev’s That What She Said joke received the majority of the airtime during this challenge. The only highlight was the ol’ soot-in-the-face when teams opened the cleanout door. There was nothing to this challenge.
Thankfully, we had a great Detour. No one knew how big the plate of food was going to be, but three teams ended up falling for it. I think I could have done it, but the indigestion over the next couple of days would have been unbearable. Justin and Mallory attempting to shove food in their mouth was hilarious.
Transporting the couch could have been boring to watch, but we lucked out by Kent once again freaking out over physical labour. This was a very long day for Vyxsin. Heck, Kent & Vyxsin made the episode by refusing to have an ‘off’ button all the way to the pit stop, and somehow finishing third. Since when did they re-write their legacy by becoming the over-the-top bickering couple?
Flight Time being so confident he could beat Kent & Vyxsin that he was willing to stop and urinate in front of them was an odd moment.
For the first time in TAR US history, all NELs are used up with at least six teams remaining. I think they took a cue from TAR Asia 4 which aired less than a year before this season did. Seeing Gary & Mallory saved likely relieved a large portion of the audience, and was amusing to watch Mallory’s reaction.
This round earns a few points for being the first self-drive leg in a while. Even if it means being powered by Ford. We have learned in the past year that this is a necessary evil. Sigh.
P.S. Thank God the final NEL was not delayed to the next round of play. Now -that- would have been depressing.
P.P.S. I wonder if Kisha & Jen were experiencing deja vu in reverse as they nearly complete doing their TAR 14 route in the exact opposite order. Way to troll them, producers.
7) Manly, Australia -> Broken Hill, Australia
8) Palm Springs, California, US -> Manly, Australia