“You’re Over The Hill, You Prick!”
(Episode Blog #267)
AUSTRALIA – JAPAN – CHINA – INDIA – AUSTRIA – LIECHTENSTEIN – SWITZERLAND – BRAZIL – UNITED STATES
Previously on TAR: Eight teams raced from Kunming, China to Kolkota, India. A tea tasting challenge pushed Luke to his breaking point, but Margie encouraged her son to finish the task.
A speedy delivery by Gary & Mallory took the father and daughter all the way to the top. A mistake by Flight Time gave Margie & Luke a chance to give up, but in the end the mother and son fell short.
Seven teams remain; who will be eliminated next?
NUMBER OF TIMES MENTIONED IN THE ‘PREVIOUSLY ON TAR’ SEGMENT
GARY & MALLORY 3
AMANDA & KRIS 2
MEL & MIKE 2
JAIME & CARA: 2
KENT & VYXSIN: 2
MARGIE & LUKE: 2
FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY: 2
JET & CORD 1
RON & CHRISTINA 1
ZEV & JUSTIN 1
KISHA & JEN: 0
– Intro time.
– Phil introduces us to Kolkata, India. There is fifteen million people living here which makes it one of the most populous urban cities in the world.
I can believe it.
– In the middle of the city is The Maidan.
PHIL: Its greenery has been called The Lungs of Kolkata.
Lungs which are undoubtedly filled with heavy smog.
PHIL: For winning the previous leg, Snapple treated Gary & Mallory to some of the best stuff in India.
“The best stuff in India? I am so excited to find out what it could be!”
Snapple presents the best stuff in India which happens to be more Snapple. We swear we are not biased!
Forget Gandhi. Mallory thinks Snapple is the best thing to ever happen to India!
All of the chutney you could want for vegetable dip.
A back-up dancer who is dressed like Aladdin.
Oh, and more Snapple.
Meanwhile, all that the Seychelles had to offer as its best stuff was 7Up. India raised the bar with Snapple and Aladdin dancers!
– So yeah. That’s all India has.
– After the precursor to Date Night is over, Gary & Mallory depart first at 1:18pm after arriving at an unspecified time.
Mallory is nervous. She is scared the clue will read “fly back to China”.
– Gary tries to rip open the clue.
Gary is opening it with too much momentum.
– I am reporting Gary to Child Protective Services!
– They read they must fly to the city of Varanasi. It is perched on the banks of the Ganges River. While The Maidan is a lung, Varanasi is the religious heart of India. When they arrive they must find the Tonga Stand to receive their next clue.
Don’t bother with America Town or a Chinese restaurant–go to the Tonga Stand!
The Tonga Embassy–just a guy next to a horse. Evidently, he is not quite as important as one of the G8 countries.
– Gary & Mallory enter a cab as Earthbound music plays.
MALLORY: We’re leaving in first place for the first time ever.
MALLORY: We really want to be the first parent-child team to win The Amazing Race and I know we have what it takes. I think this might be the season.
Canadians are ruthless when it comes to crushing your dreams.
Yeah. Sorry Mal.
– Jet & Cord begin in 2nd place at 1:52pm. Jet says the competition is getting tougher blah blah.
JET: No room for error here.
Did you wait to say that until the four incapable TAR 14 teams were eliminated, or did you forget that there is still a team who were ten hours behind everyone else but were able to catch up? I would argue there is more than enough room for error.
– For some reason, Jet’s confessional had a bird caw’ing on the audio.
– Ron & Christina commence in third at 1:53pm. Zev & Justin begin at 1:54pm.
ZEV: Fly to the city of Varanasi.
JUSTIN: Sounds like more India.
ZEV: Oh god.
Locals are getting bad vibes from Zev.
ZEV: India is a little too much for me. There’s too many crowds and I don’t like it. I’m ready to leave.
Uh oh, Zev.
I think they can read lips.
Zev currently hates Japan, China, and India. Who knew two countries with over a billion people, and an island nation notorious for population density would not bode well for Zev?
– Zev concedes he will have to suck it up if he wants to win the million.
ZEV: This city Kolkata is called Kolkrowded.
Is this all they do? Just make puns based off the name of the city they are in?
If this is all it takes to make Justin laugh, every stand-up comedian in Kolkata would make a Kolkilling.
– Kent & Vyxsin are fifth to leave at 1:55pm. Kent asks the driver if they can purchase airline tickets at the airport. For some reason the blunder sound effect plays.
This is silly for Kent & Vyxsin to be portrayed as idiots for asking because in earlier seasons tickets in India had to be booked through a travel agency, if I am not mistaken. I know this was definitely the case in Vietnam and at least one other Southeast Asian country.
I cannot recall this legal restriction being relevant on TAR over the past five years or so, but back then it did occasionally pop up.
– We finally get our TAR 12 India flashback for Kent & Vyxsin.
KENT: The last time we were in India, it was a moment of sadness.
Minus the part where Kent watched Vyxsin contort her body in yoga.
What an appropriate shirt for Kent to wear when being Philiminated. I also love his eyebrow raise inspired by the host himself.
“Are you imitating me, Kent? This was supposed to be another NEL, but I am going to eliminate you just for that.”
VYXSIN: We’re just so stoked to be in the race past the halfway point!
It’s easy to make it past the halfway point when you get two NELs in the first four rounds.
– Kisha & Jen depart sixth at 2:03pm. They missed the pit stop party in the last round by only eight minutes.
– Kisha & Jen opt with going to the airport as opposed to a travel agency.
– Gary & Mallory purchase tickets at the airport–it arrives in Varanasi via Delhi at 10:45am. Ron & Christina make the same move.
It worries me when the font is in dark red.
– Zev & Justin also book the 10:45am flight.
Although “Fly Kingfisher” seems more like a fly fishing business than an airline.
– The camera pans slightly to the right where Kisha & Jen are buying tickets.
JEN: We want the same thing as them.
Zev’s backpack is in the left side of the frame. Zev & Justin and Kisha & Jen always seem to stick together.
– Kent & Vyxsin hop out at a travel agency. They also get the 10:45am flight.
Just like in TAR 4, travel agencies are practically garages. Space really is at a premium here.
I think he might be busy talking to somebody, Kent. Not exactly why I think this, but it may have to do with the fact he is speaking into a receiver while listening to the other person.
– Kent & Vyxsin book the 10:45am flight.
Vyxsin’s nose ring approves.
– Jet & Cord are at the Jet Airways counter.
JET: I’m guessing that is the earliest flight.
Which flight is that, Jet?
lol. You should have gone to Cord Airways, Jet.
– Jet & Cord transition into a hypocritical confessional.
CORD: The way I was raised, if somebody looks me straight in the eye and tells me somethin’, I’m going to take their word for it.
“Because we’re just innocent little buggers slathered in gravy. We ain’t ever done diggity anything dishonest or low on the race ever–we just a pair of good ol’ boys!”
– Ron & Christina are inside of a taxi.
A Bank of India kiosk just hangin’ out on the streets.
RON: Since we’ve got ample time, I’m hungry. I’m a happy camper when I’ve got good food in my tummy.
Purchasing a map of Varanasi was suggested by Christina, but I have a feeling that idea would have been shot down. Food is the priority.
“I need to set up a secret audition for my dad to be apart of Lookin’ For Fights With Dana White. He can go to every restaurant in the U.S.”
– A Chinese gong sounds as Ron & Christina enter a restaurant.
This restaurant doesn’t look very East Indian to me, Ron.
A Benghali and Chinese restaurant? That means Ron can balance out the local cuisine with the familiar tastes of home. Perfect.
RON: It was marvellous just to be able to spend time with her before she gets married next year.
“It was also marvellous to spend time with naan bread, jambalaya, chow mein, and egg rolls.”
RON: I love going to places with her and just savour the moment.
And yes, savour that meal.
Why do they keep acting like Ron and Christina will never see each other again after she marries Azaria? Are they really moving to Ethiopia?
– The Globetrotters start in last place at 3:45pm.
Horses casually stroll behind them.
Fortunately, horses will be spared from Big Easy for this season. TAR 24? That is a different story.
– Globetrotters hope to have a good day and be in the top three. Much like Jet & Cord, Flight Time echoes their thoughts by saying the rough rounds are over and believes they will finish at the front “like they should be”.
They are likely praying for a traumatic Fast Forward in India this leg.
Particularly the traditional head shaving one.
– Gary & Mallory find an Internet cafe. Being from Kentucky, exploring the Internet is a rare treat for them.
What website are they exploring together? What could have Mallory so intrigued?
Neopets?! Man, you’re going to have a tough time removing Mallory from the Internet cafe!
Nah, just kidding.
They are looking up the River Ganga–which I assume is Hindi for Ganges rather than it being slang for “sexually provocative women”.
MALLORY (fascinated): Varanasi is a Holy City. It’s going to be so cool!
It’s like watching one of those cheesy commercials which advertise an online educational institution that has gone horribly wrong.
MALLORY: I’ve always wanted to go to the Holy City. The waters of the Ganja? Ganga? The waters of the Ganga can wash away the sins of mortals.
The waters of the Ganga can wash away Mallory’s sins. Now -that- is a disturbing image.
MALLORY: I really hope we get to go into the holy waters. We get to -wash- away your sins. WA-UHHHHH.
Wow. Producers are evil. Mallory has no idea what she is in for. I think Gary & Mallory need to search Urban Dictionary before leaving the Internet cafe.
– Flight Time & Big Easy are at the airport.
The smog is getting out of control.
– Globetrotters book a flight.
And just like that, the Cowboys are officially one hour behind everyone else.
– Phil announces everyone is heading to Varanasi via Delhi.
Well this is a highly inefficient flight plan.
Dawn in Delhi. Ron will be disappointed that this city will have nothing to do with delis during the layover.
– Everyone is curious where Jet & Cord are. The same goes for Jet & Cord.
They are also curious why it is grt 2 b twenty-five.
– Christina narrates who is on the flight and who isn’t.
It would have been easier if she had just said “everyone is on this flight except Jet & Cord.”
10:45AM FLIGHT: RON & CHRISTINA; KISHA & JEN; KENT & VYXSIN; ZEV & JUSTIN; GARY & MALLORY; FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY
11:45AM FLIGHT: JET & CORD
– Jet & Cord attempt to solve this mystery.
JET: Kingfisher had a 9:30 to Varanasi.
CORD: Well. That gives them an hour jump on us.
And just like that. . .
Jet & Cord’s day is about to get a helluva lot harder.
– Mallory contemplates what happened.
MALLORY: The Cowboys aren’t on. I mean, I can’t figure out how they didn’t get on. Maybe they weren’t paying attention.
“Could they really be that stupid though?”
– Commercial break. We resume.
– Kent & Vyxsin’s Narita breakdown music plays. Jet & Cord recap what happened.
CORD: I remember leg seven last time. The ol’ Seychelles.
Sigh. Let’s get this flashback over and done with.
Who knew Oklahomans could swim.
If only the bottle were in the shape of a saddle.
“Jet & Cord, you two messed up. Luckily producers will change this to a Non-Elimination Leg, and we will make the Speed Bump a complete joke.”
“Say what now, Phil?”
Boats are further away than they appear.
– The flashback is surprisingly long. Cord sums it up by stating it was a long leg.
CORD: That was a loooong leg of the race for us. Try not to repeat that.
“No sh-t, Cord.”
– The second flight takes off. Seconds later, we land in Varanasi.
Another cow resting in the streets of India.
So that’s what a monkey looks like when it watches somebody undress through a window. No binoculars needed!
Ooooo. What’s the juicy gossip today, guys?
– Zev & Justin get into a taxi followed by Ron & Christina (Ron & Christina’s driver is named Romsha). Unique Middle Eastern/East Indian soundtrack plays.
How in the world does this guy need a jacket and half-turtleneck in India?
Justin is concerned for the driver’s low iron levels.
Ron is already struggling with the heat.
– Kisha & Jen are third into a cab. Kent & Vyxsin also have one.
Three episodes ago we watched an edition of “Kent & Vyxsin Try Unlocking a Door”.
Today we will be watching “Kent Tries to Put Bags in a Trunk”.
So far he is nailing it.
You’re doing this like a pro, son. Now all you have to do is–
At least he got the bags in there!
But at what cost?
The referee has to separate the two combatants away from one another. The trunk wins by TKO!
“No inanimate object makes me bleed my own blood!”
VYXSIN: C’mon Kent.
KENT (to driver): Man, tell me to watch out next time, bro.
“Don’t look down when I’m talking to you!”
“How dare that driver let me humiliate myself by slamming my head into a perfectly still trunk.”
VYXSIN: C’mon Kent.
KENT: Alright I hit my head on the thing really hard Vyxsin be quiet I am surprised I am not bleeding.
VYXSIN: Okay. Whatever.
Yes, Kent did say all of that as if it were one sentence.
– Kent & Vyxsin are impatient.
KENT: C’mon man we’ve got to go.
VYXSIN: Fast fast fast.
Kent has an easier time handling an incident involving a lost passport or getting lost in Japan than taking a bump on the head.
Kent is seconds away from opening an unholy can of whoop ass in Varanasi today.
Somebody threw a rock at that guy’s windshield.
He earns points for not laughing out loud at Kent hitting his head on the trunk.
– Gary & Mallory enter the cab in fifth.
No idea who the guy on the right is. He looks like a cross between General Nasser and Sadat who helped Gary & Mallory with directions.
– Big Easy is sweaty as they enter the cab in last out of this group.
– Big Easy commends the driver for blowing his horn.
FLIGHT TIME: For those of you that don’t know, when you push the gas the horn blows in India. In the States, the only time people drive like this is when they have helicopters and three or four police behind them.
It makes you consider if everyone in India loses 75% of their hearing by the time they reach adulthood.
– Justin notices his driver is going off course and turning into a lot.
JUSTIN: Where you goin? Where you goin?
Looks like a gas station to me.
JUSTIN: What? No-no-no really?
Jet & Cord don’t seem too far back now, do they?
JUSTIN: How do you pick somebody up from the airport with no gas?
Unlike TAR 3 teams, at least he knows to fill it up with diesel.
Giving him the evil eye isn’t going to fill up that car any faster, Justin.
– Ron & Christina’s taxi has been redirected by a police officer. Teams can no longer go across the bridge.
CHRISTINA: Sir, is it very long now?
That is one way to double your fare for the ride.
The local police secretly work for the cab companies. It’s all just one big scam.
– Kent & Vyxsin have fun sight-seeing.
This is the view from their cab–just some guy casually riding an elephant down the street.
VYXSIN: These streets are totally wild. There’s cars, motorcycles, tractors, cows, lions, tigers, and bears. . .
VYXSIN: Oh my!
It’s like a zoo but without the enclosure.
– Jen instructs her driver to not let the team behind them to pass her.
KISHA: We’re racing.
Thanks for spelling it out, Kisha.
– The Globetrotters have other ideas in mind as Big Easy becomes a motivational speaker.
BIG EASY: Go go go. Go by, go by. Represent yourself. Represent your country.
“Represent. . .”
“Represent that elephant.”
BIG EASY: You da man. Ain’t nobody drive like you.
And it worked.
BIG EASY: Good job, baby.
All of those years lecturing elementary and high school students has finally paid off.
KISHA: We’re racing.
“You just said that two seconds ago, you jackass. I know what I did.”
– Big Easy keeps up the encouragement as they fly by Gary & Mallory.
Neither of them are aware of being passed until it is too late. When did Mall streak her hair red?
– Gary & Mallory finally see the Globetrotters driving ahead. They ask their driver to stay up with them.
BIG EASY: We’ve got a beast! We’ve got another beast!
Has a beast.
Does not have a beast.
– Kent & Vyxsin have the Tonga Stand pointed out to them.
Granted there might be a few obstructions in the way.
“Production put a clue box right next to the front door of my house? How rude.”
– Kent & Vyxsin are first to the clue box. It’s a Roadblock.
ROADBLOCK HINT: Who is ready to search for the meaning of life?
– Phil explains the streets of Varanasi are filled with “colourful men” called sadhus who have given their life over to prayer and meditation.
He’s the sad sadhu from the intro!
Another sad sadhu.
More sad sadhus.
The sad sadhu’s twin.
Correction: Frozen sad sadhu’s twin.
I hear the evil shroom is also a sadhu.
This sadhu truly is impressive.
– Using only pictures for reference, teams must find six sadhus.
If Karl Marx became a sadhu.
– They must locate all six sadhus who will each hand them a clue.
Mover over N*Sync, there’s a new boy band in town!
– What are these clues anyway?
It seems more like a note he is breaking up with you rather than an actual clue.
– Once a team member has all six clues, they must re-arrange them to create the meaning of life.
Once you’re over the hill you pick up speed? Such great advice.
– When they have it correctly arranged, they will find the last sadhu and tell him the meaning of life.
Who happens to be the only sadhu who smiles. Does that make him a happyhu?
– Kent reluctantly agrees to do the Roadblock.
Have fun walking around this traffic, Kent.
“Junior, it’s time for your bath.”
“Dammit! Why do you always do that, son?”
KENT: Times Square has nothing on the Tonga Stand intersection.
A Bindi? Well, they obviously made it to the pit stop this round.
Here’s a question for you: Which seasons of TAR where they visit India without receiving a bindi? Is it just TAR 12? TAR 4? I am curious.
– Kent starts walking the Tonga Street intersection.
“Take a left at the cow.”
Kent can dodge a speeding motorcycle but not a stable trunk door.
– Globetrotters are second to the Tonga Stand. Their taxi did extremely well.
Which does not make Vyxsin happy.
Oh, and editors want us to see a monkey masseuse. What kind of oils do you use, Mr. Chimp?
– Kisha & Jen are third to the clue box. Big Easy and Jen are doing the Roadblock. Flight Time tells Big Easy to read over the information repeatedly.
And it looks like there is a lot of additional info for this task. Are those two sheets of paper?
– Mallory is freaking out a bit as they approach the Tonga Stand.
Just a little bit.
– They open the clue and Gary elects to complete the task.
Once the curious East Indian crowd forms, it is very tough to loose them for the rest of the day.
And also a small group of curious racers.
– Ron & Christina are fifth to the clue box. Ron is doing it. Zev & Justin show up seconds later as Justin decides to step up for this one.
– Jet & Cord’s flight lands.
– Kent finds a sadhu.
KENT: Hello, can I have paper?
HAPPYHU: . . .
Oh. Kent finds the one sadhu out of all seven that does not have a clue.
KENT: . . .
CROWD: . . .
. . .
KENT: I can’t have your paper yet?
Roadblocks in India has never been Kent’s strong suit.
KENT: Oh. I have to find these other men first.
“lol. Kent, I made you look silly.”
– The locals cannot help but watch Big Easy.
I dunno why, though. Personally I think he blends right in!
– Big Easy has his first sadhu.
I presume everyone has been given a map of the limited area where they will find all six sadhus. There is no way it is a case of “search all of Varanasi for six random men”.
– Big Easy collects his first clue.
New baby buggy? It’s so easy!
– Jen asks Big Easy for help. He tells her where to go. They decide to team up.
Jen is slightly ahead of Big Easy. Symbolic.
– They find the second sadhu together then Jen tells him she will go the opposite way.
BIG EASY: Follow me. C’mon.
JEN: I’m going the other way.
JEN: Oy vey.
Wow. So Phil is taking credit for a phrase which Jen originally uttered on The Amazing Race? That’s low, Phil. That’s low.
Big Easy is not impressed with Jen ditching him.
– Ron is roaming the streets.
RON: So frustrating. Where are these holy men?
“I think I might be in the wrong part of town.”
I love how Ron has to break out into a jog to avoid being run over by a bicycle.
– Justin comments on the insanity of the streets.
JUSTIN: The holy men–they looked like anorexic Santa Claus.
Even Zev wouldn’t be brave enough to say that on TV.
“I want to move my belly like a bowl full of tofu curry.”
Hey Justin, perhaps the physical ideal for Santa Claus is not the same as in America. Maybe the other side of the world wants a Santa who does not look like he will require a triple bypass in the next six months, and be on high doses of ramipril for the rest of his life.
P.S. Try sitting on his lap.
– Kent finds his first sadhu (the guy is holding sawdust in the picture).
Ten bucks says the kid walking to school behind him is going to kick Kent in the shin before scampering away.
KENT: Hello. I would like a paper from you. Please honour me, sir.
Honour you? If I was the sadhu, I would be very confused.
Yeah, I think the sadhu is going to acknowledge Gary before figuring out what the hell you are talking about. He even gives Gary the paper first. Kent and Gary say this is the first one each of them have found. The camera operator can’t help but enter the shot.
Justin keeps quiet about his own progress.
KENT: Let’s go look Gary. If we find al the men I’ll take you to the finish cause I did find the finish.
KENT: Yeah, I swear. I won’t screw you.
Saying “I won’t screw you” is usually the first sign that you will be screwed over. Especially when the guy is talking extremely fast.
– Jet & Cord are still in their cab.
– Kent follows Gary. Really casual music plays.
KENT: It’s all Gary. He seems to know what he’s doing. When in doubt, follow Gary.
It’s a good rule to live by.
Gary is like the helpful NPC in a tutorial level of a video game. Just catch up with him and he’ll lead the way for you, Kent!
Gary could have been a Mip in Mario Kart 64.
Seeing Gary and Kent working together is rather amusing.
Gary Kent–the best duo ever fused together!
– Jen comments on the task.
JEN: This is crazy. The traffic is crazy. All of the colours coming together. It all looks alike.
You mean you can’t pick out a sadhu from hundreds of people in one street corner, Jen?
“At least the sadhus aren’t hidden under a cap.”
I love that sadhu’s outfit.
He looks so freakin’ casual. Awesome.
– We get more animal shots.
Someone has back problems.
– Big Easy collects more paper.
You don’t see how it is offensive? Look a bit closer.
Now that’s just rude!
– We see another animal shot.
Soap is overrated.
– Justin wants to keep his head on a swivel to ensure he does not have to return to a street repeatedly.
Justin successfully identifies Poseidhun.
Ron is on a quest for a sadhu.
– Ron finds one, and explains to the camera he is looking for the sadhus along a path to a pink boat. The blunder sound effect plays.
Ron can’t see it, but the camera operator is snickering behind him.
“Why are you laughing?”
– Jen has all of her papers. We cut to Zev.
ZEV: Varanasi is very very crowded and loud.
(Lots of honking and horns plague the audio.)
I don’t understand why motorists would be honking out of frustration, personally.
But that does not change the situation for Zev.
Oh c’mon Zev. Have some decency, will ya?
– Zev states his overall opinion of Varanasi.
Well, maybe Varanasi doesn’t like -you- Zev, did you ever think about that?
If only Zev and the others could wait for their partner at a temple, Zev may have more flattering words for the holy city.
NOTE: Did you know Varanasi is named after the God of Amplitude and the goddess of Echo in the Hindu religion?
ZEV: I have sensitive ears so the sound was just a lot to take in.
Good luck blocking it out, Zev.
When Zev stands, everyone stands.
Everything is going green and blue.
ZEV: Mall Mall gave me earplugs so I just had to take a deep breath and that helped the situation.
Luke is probably laughing at Zev from home right now.
As always, Mallory’s infectious positive attitude helps Zev climb out of his funk.
“Do I have spaghetti sauce on my face? No? Really? Okay, I’ll continue on with my confessional.”
– Jen crouches under a gate to get to the happyhu.
Somebody needs to warn Kent about this obstacle.
– Jen starts putting things in order.
It isn’t the toughest phrase unscramble.
The toughest part is being forced to complete the Roadblock by the happyhu’s smelly feet.
NOTE: For motorists in Varanasi, the meaning of life is “Once you’re over the bridge, you’ll pick up speed.”
‘Tis a job well done for Jen.
– Justin and Big Easy search for the sadhu with the pink scarf together.
That guy is trying -way- too hard.
At least somebody is falling asleep despite all of the noise. A lullaby will wake him up!
– Jen reunites with Kisha. They read that they must go to the Tulsi Ghat area and find the Swaminath Akhara. It is a strength, wrestling, and conditioning club.
The holiest area in all of Varanasi.
A little too holy if you ask me.
Swaminath Akhara–a place for dudes to become real men! And swing toilet plungers!
And somehow this won’t be the only occasion in TAR where teams will be travelling to a wrestling club in India.
– Kisha & Jen hire a driver. Justin and Big Easy both complete the Roadblock.
How you have it laid out on the ground is clearly irrelevant.
– They receive their clues and both hail cabs.
– Jet & Cord show up to the Tonga Stand.
Christina is cringing, Vyxsin has her head down, and Mallory is experiencing a migraine.
Vyxsin: Not a cowboy fan.
Neither is Mall.
Jet & Cord are like the Toby Flunderson of TAR.
You see them and you know all they want to do is suck the fun out of the room.
VYXSIN: We see the cowboy hats bobbing over the crowd and I think all three of us girls were concerned because they are so efficient.
Ugh. Another flashback?
Alright. Another Jet & Cord flashback here we come!
Ah yes. The whole “finish in first after they had a two second Speed Bump in Malaysia” round.
PHIL: Jet & Cord, you’re the first team to ever go from last place, complete the Speed Bump, and then come in first on the next leg.
“I would deep throat you guys right now for accomplishing such a feat, but we all know your guys’ junk is so impressive that only 1/8th of it would be able to fit in my mouth.”
VYXSIN: I think -everybody- feels pretty intimidated by them.
“You ladies happy to see us?”
– Cord is doing the Roadblock. He speaks in a really long confessional where he essentially explains the task and referencing how he only gets paid in the rodeo unless you win.
– Ron is hanging along the water.
RON: Seduce? Seduce? Seduce?
You know people put up with a lot of crazy s-it in Varanasi when a middle-aged Chinese guy can repeatedly say ‘seduce’ and not have anyone flinch.
Oh, he’s trying to say ‘sadhus’.
– Ron walks away empty-handed.
“Why did I eat sour keys right before doing the Roadblock?”
RON: I thought one of the seven might be down here but now I don’t see it. I might have to go further up or further down.
Hopefully Ron decides “further back” is the right play.
– Gary and Kent find the final sadhu. The sadhu is uttering something but no one understands him (except the locals).
Maybe he lost his shoes, and needs a new pair?
That’s what I would be asking for, anyway. Or to plead with locals to punch the guy who called me “anorexic Santa Claus”.
– Kent and Gary run to him together.
Teamwork! Hip hip hooray!
KENT: I got em all!
Wait, where you goin’ Kent?
NO! He is ditching the Dream Team! Gary is pissed.
GARY: Hey. Kent.
Yes! You know Kent is trying to sprint when he does his weird penguin wobble run
GARY: I can’t believe this damn guy.
“The next time I see him I am going to beat him up until he has Kentucky Fried Ass!”
KENT: I went ahead and bolted towards the park.
This race has taught us two things.
1) When in doubt, follow Gary.
2) When in doubt, do not trust Kent.
KENT: I didn’t feel bad about it because at that point our co-dependency was kinda’ve over.
More like your no-dependency.
Do you not remember the agreement at the start of the task? Gary was going to do most of the navigational work with the sadhus, and then you were going to do your 1/7th contribution by leading him to the final sadhu to receive the clue.
You couldn’t even hold up your eighteen percent of the bargain. Gary had already agreed to do 82 percent of it, and that wasn’t good enough.
– Kent reads out the answer as fast as he possibly can and asks for his clue.
“Quick! Before a 53 year old man joins us and sends me to the hospital! I’m a model! I can’t lose my good looks!”
It is this moment Kent realizes karma will not be on his side.
“I think he looked pretty pissed, Mall. It might have something to do with me f–king me over. K! Bye!”
KENT: Yeah. He’s right behind me.
“You can’t see his face because he is holding a book to cover it.”
Jet doesn’t even hesitate to agree. Ever since the penalty incident, nobody trusts Kent & Vyxsin. Well, except Gary.
Jet drinks to that.
Mallory might be the first racer to find it purely comedic that an alliance member would betray her.
Kent shall have many restless nights fearing his next encounter with Gary. Every time he hears a Snapple being opened, he is going to freakin’ squirm.
– Gary completes the Roadblock. Him and Mallory enter the cab.
– Kisha & Jen are in their tuk-tuk preparing to park at Tulsi Ghat.
The camera operator wanting to shoot some B-roll when–
Poof! The camera collides with the cow’s butt. You can hear the crew members laughing when it happens. Jen is laughing the hardest.
KISHA: You almost got the cow in the butt!
Words you never want to hear.
– Zev & Justin and the Globetrotters are in a caravan to Tulsi Ghat. Zev is amused rather than irritated by the honking.
Justin must be loving this.
– Globetrotters exit the tuk-tuk.
How the hell did Big Easy fit in there?
He must have been suffocating.
– Justin runs by a goat. He insists for Zev to run rather than walk.
So many animals roam free in the city.
– Zev & Justin and Globetrotters are first to find the clue box. It’s a Detour. In this Detour, teams must navigate the Ganges and decide which type of work they’d like to perform.
“Cue unnecessary visual effects!”
FEED THE FIRE!
FEED THE BUFFALO!
“How come I don’t have a bindi? Sigh.”
– In Feed the Fire, teams must travel the Ganges then follow the path to the home of a milkman. Once here, they must make fifty traditional fuel patties out of buffalo manure, then slap them onto a wall to dry in the sun.
Finally, they must load a stove with fuel patties and light a fire to boil the milk for the local children. Once complete, they will receive their next clue.
Everything up to loading a stove was done in TAR Asia (1) in India as a Roadblock.
Whatever you do, don’t fall in.
Jon & Al from TAR 4 would love this.
Look at all of those chocolate patties! An alternative for vegetarians like myself.
The visible handprint amuses me.
I for one would have a tough time re-using a stove that has manure in it regularly.
“Who wants to help Ma set the poop on fire?”
“I do! I do!”
The smell of burning manure is something everyone needs to experience at least once.
– In Feed the Buffalo, teams cross the Ganges and pick up a large load of hay. Then they must cross the Ganges and carry their hay through the narrow streets to the address attached to their bundles. Once delivered to the correct milk farm, they receive their next clue.
This task is sponsoured by the flag of Armenia.
Good luck finding that address.
Hay guys, what’s up?
He has been expecting you.
– Zev & Justin go with Feed the Buffalo.
JUSTIN: Glad we didn’t have to get in those thongs.
I am sure you guys would have been given a clean pair. . .although your point still stands.
– Globetrotters follow suit. Zev fears falling down the stairs.
That’s what railings are for, buddy.
I have seen you try to swim before, Big Easy. You need to wear a lifejacket.
– Kisha & Jen are third to the route marker. Jen dodges the Toilet Plunger Guy.
You’ll want to dodge the toilet plunger for many reasons besides the blunt force trauma.
– Because they do not know how heavy the hay will be, Kisha & Jen go with Feed the Fire.
JEN (triumphant): LET’S FEED THE CHILDREN!
Who knew Jen would be the one to be inspired to go on a Michael Jackson-esque humanitarian mission. Give kids the world, Jen!
Jen runs down the steps with style.
– Jen shouts at the boat driver that she wants her. She is fired up for this task.
The purple shirt made him stand out.
– Kisha does not mess up the pronunciation of Sakka Ghat. Should they finish first, the other racers can Sakk-On That.
– Zev thinks the buildings are neat. They approach the hay bundles. Zev asks Justin which bundles they are. The editors zoom in on the hay and play the blunder sound effect.
It must be important for later.
– Zev & Justin disembark.
Little ham and eggs coming at ya.
“I have to listen to this all day?”
– Zev & Justin grab the correct bundles supposedly. So do the Globetrotters.
Kisha & Jen could’ve handled this hay.
“Can you carry us away from here too?”
– Cord completes the Roadblock.
Christina can’t even look at them.
CHRISTINA: Good job, guys.
CHRISTINA: I knew the Cowboys were going to catch up, but I hope it wasn’t catching up to us. I hope my dad is keeping calm.
– Arabian desert music plays as Ron wanders aimlessly.
RON: It’s getting frustrating. Truly needle in haystack. Backtracking my own steps. I can’t even find it. Where are these holy men?
“Excuse me, are you a candeluhsaddhu?”
– Commercial break. We resume. TAR 4 India music plays.
RON: This is the cremation area. This is the end of the line for me.
Oddly enough, the cremation area is the end of the line for most human beings, Ron.
RON: The difficulty of the Roadblock was finding the sadhus in their element of costume and all that. I thought these holy men were not properly garbed because they wanted to take a refreshing bathe or go into the Ganges and just refreshen themselves up.
Well that’s one way to make this task more difficult. You get pictures of them in their outfits, but it’s all pointless because they are too busy frolicking in the water wearing their swim trunks!
RON: I think I overthought it.
Yeah, I kinda think you did too.
Psssst. Ron. That guy is NOT a sadhu. No matter how much he claims otherwise. I think sadhus have to remain celibate.
– Ron finds his second sadhu.
RON: I have the second word ‘the’. So ‘The Pick’. I don’t know what that means.
You don’t know The Pick, Ron?????
That was one of my favourite cartoons growing up!
Why, there was even a video game spin-off. The music is really good, and the levels are not tedious nor drawn out.
– Zev & Justin and Herb & Nate begin navigating the streets to find the milkman.
“It’s not a tumour.”
The architecture of the city is unreal.
– Editors try to give us a shot of the address on the hay.
Uh, couldn’t they make it a bit clearer?
– Kisha & Jen run up the big steps to Sakka Ghat.
Those steps could probably smoke Jazmine & Danielle and Cindy & Rick to the pit stop in Zimbabwe.
– Kisha & Jen see the buffalos and the guy playing in the manure.
Something tells me the Detour clue was not being entirely honest.
Jen breaks out a cartoon voice as she figures it out.
Good observation, Dorothy Ann.
KISHA: Nice. Lets’s get to Planet Poop! This smells like perfume!
– Both of them dive into the task.
Needless to say I am not surprised a bunch of children would find it hilarious to watch two adults from America play in a pile of feces.
– Kisha & Jen repeatedly make vomit noises.
Oh, pull yourself together, Jen. It’s not like this is Ryan & Chuck’s armpits.
On second thought, Jen is much more at peace with this task.
KISHA: Are we really doing this? Oh geez.
TAR 18: Unfinished Buffalo Business.
You’ll find the humour in it later, Jen.
– Kent & Vyxsin are fourth to the Detour. They choose to Feed the Fire. Gary & Mallory also go with Feed the Fire after Mallory didn’t care about which option to choose.
– Gary & Mallory enter the boat. Yes, they will get another “oh geez, these people live differently from us” confessional once more.
This boat ride will not be so pleasant within a few seconds.
GARY: See that fire burning?
GARY: They’re cremating people.
Mallory sees the smoke.
MALLORY: Oh my god.
“They won’t do that to my neopets will they?”
MALLORY: We thought we knew India from Kolkata. This is so much different.
You mean they don’t carry dead bodies under yellow blankets as they cremate them in Kentucky?
She can’t pull her eyes away.
– The sentimental music goes way over the top at this moment.
MALLORY: I’ve never seen any place where death is celebrated like that. Maybe because it’s such a holy place. It’s not like Africa; it’s not like the other parts of India. Varanasi is like another planet.
Jesus Howard Christ. How many episodes are we going to have “The former Miss America contestant is enlightened by seeing poverty and rituals in African and Asian countries”.
It is getting out of hand. Even this screencap alone shows how far editors went out of their way to get an expression of “Oh wow, this is something to think about for the rest of my life” on her face.
MALLORY: Never seen anything like this, but I’m glad we saw it.
Glad she saw it.
“Wave at the nudists, Mall. It’s polite.”
“Glad I. . .saw it?”
– We cut back to Ron solving the phrase back in the city.
At least there is no camera operator to run into that cow’s butt.
– Ron completes the Roadblock. Ron moans loudly during his run back to Christina.
“I swear I’m okay, honey!”
– Christina offers him water, but Ron declines. They open the clue.
Son of a bitch. Who wrote ‘Namaste!’ in the clue?
Vytas, was this your doing you motherf–ker?
– Zev & Justin leads the Globetrotters through the streets.
JUSTIN: C’mon buddy.
ZEV: I’m goin’, I’m goin. Don’t run!
FLIGHT TIME (singing): I’m runnin’ with haaaay in the middle of Ind-ee-uh.
You went against what Zev just said, Flight Time!
– There are a bunch of cows and buffalos blocking off a section of the street, and all try to bite Justin’s hay. Big Easy has to coach him into lifting it on top of his head.
BIG EASY: Put it up! Put it up high!
“It’s not that hard, Justin.”
“It really isn’t.”
This is when the audio and visual crew deserve their big bucks.
Well, that’s one way to lighten the load for Justin.
– Flight Time repeats his lame song as Zev sings along.
I’d rather listen to The Dragonz over this song. Dang you Flight Time for turning this into singing in round!
– We cut back to Kisha & Jen playing with manure.
Kisha is -really- getting her fingers into it!
JEN: And the crap you do for a million dollars.
Eh. Tough crowd.
JEN: This is for you. This is for y’all. So y’all can drink some milk.
I have never seen anybody trying to pump a group of people up over a glass of milk.
And frankly, even they are a little freaked out by it.
– We see all of Kisha’s handiwork.
Do you know how kids trace their hand in kindergarten and send it home with their parents?
Well, Kisha can make up for that by sending a bunch of doo-doo filled outlines of her hands to her parents after the race is over.
JEN: Kisha, you’re dismantling all of the things I have been making.
Yeah. Explain yourself.
KISHA: Jen, it’s too big.
JEN: You want me to bring a pile of crap and you make em all over here?
KISHA: Jen, you’ve given me one and I’m cutting it in half and putting it up.
Usually this is the point where someone says “cut the crap” in an argument, Kisha is one step ahead by literally achieving this feat.
JEN: You act like you a pro!
KISHA: Jen, it’s not working.
Jen walks away.
She does not approve of this bickering.
JEN: How about you do this if you know how to make them big or small or what size you make em?
KISHA: I got this. You do your part.
JEN: OK. Then you go ahead.
KISHA: They gotta stick! They’re not sticking.
Normally this is the part where Jen would facepalm, but she knew better in this situation.
No matter how much she wants to.
Besides, it is Steve’s job to get shitfaced.
– Zev & Justin and the Globetrotters find the correct location, and receive their next clue.
I love how casual the milkman is.
Hold up a second. I thought the purpose of a photographic clue is to challenge racers to communicate with locals to figure out where they are going.
Here they get a photo and the name of the location printed on there. Easy peasy.
– Phil informs us that teams will make their way across the Ganges River to the city of Ramnagar. Once here, they must find the Ramnagar Fort. It was built in the 18th century, and is the pit stop for this round.
That bridge does not look stable.
Where is Phil?
He is positioned like a freakin’ sniper.
“Just hop onto the mat, guys. I -swear- nothing will happen.”
– Zev & Justin and Globetrotters enter tuk-tuks. Flight Time wants to go from last to first.
– Jet & Cord arrive at Tulsi Ghat.
Have these two been wrestling the whole time? Good cardio.
Only Jet & Cord would be eager for a foursome.
– Jet & Cord decide to Feed the Buffalo.
CORD: We come to the other side of the world to haul some hay.
JET: We come to India to haul hay today.
Get it? Because that’s what they normally do back at home! Har har har har.
– Kisha & Jen put up all fifty dung patties.
She studies the wall.
Nuh uh, girlfriend.
She uses the Dung Removal Stick and starts tearing sh-t down.
JEN: Are you serious lady? We’re trying to feed your kids!
Only the finest dung for her offspring.
She tries to remove a piece up high.
Kisha cringes as the dung falls onto the judge. Hilarious.
– Kisha & Jen make the necessary adjustments and get approval. She pumps her arms wildly.
“Your dung is might impressive!”
– Kisha & Jen complete the stove lighting within seconds according to the edit.
Smells like dinner.
Is that small pot supposed to enough milk for -everyone-?
That is not going to be a fun job for her.
– Kisha & Jen hire a tuk-tuk.
– Kent & Vyxsin are walking up the big steps to the farm.
KENT: Vyxsin, I can’t keep up with you.
Maybe if you hadn’t bolted like a mad man away from Gary at the Roadblock, your legs wouldn’t be as tired.
KENT: You made me keep the bag and I can’t–
VYXSIN: Then give me the bag.
KENT: –after the Roadblock.
VYXSIN: Stop complaining. Just give me the bag.
“No bitching beyond this point.”
Kent knows he can’t complain anymore without it making it to the final cut of the episode.
KENT: I know. I wanted to leave–
VYXSIN: Kent. The marker is right there. Can you just walk?
At least he doesn’t have to transport any tubes up these stairs again.
“Vyxsin, why aren’t you keeping up?”
– Kent sees the field.
KENT: Oh. Cow dung.
Don’t judge, Kent.
– Vyxsin is the one who gets to start smacking the dung onto the wall. Kent cheers her on.
KENT: Yeah! Good!
I know it is editing, but it is amusing to see Kent watching from the sidelines.
He’s better off standing with the locals.
– Gary & Mallory are also at the cow manure task.
MALLORY: There’s Kent and Vyxsin.
GARY: We want to beat em, Mall.
I don’t know Mall is up for a fist fight.
MALL: Phew. Cow manure. That seems like my Amazing Race theme.
Yes. All one tasks you have done in your TAR career has involved manure.
Isn’t it fun?
– We cut to a confessional.
MALLORY: What is the deal with cow manure?
Mall practicing her Seinfeld routine.
MALLORY: You know what? This is the exact outfit I wore standing in a pile of cow manure in Russia.
Ugh. Mallory is reminiscing. It is time for another flashback!
MALLORY: I tell you what. This outfit is going into the trash after this is over because I know the next time I wear this cow manure will be involved.
Mallory rarely pulls out the Sass Card, but when she does she gets it right.
– Globetrotters and Zev & Justin are in a tuk-tuk race. Both teams exit and run out.
The pit stop greeters are bored. Their conversation with Phil must have hit a dead end. Maybe Phil refused to have a bindi.
Globetrotters make it to the mat first.
It is taking plenty of willpower for Big Easy to not wipe off the bindi with the back of his hand.
PHIL: Flight Time & Big Easy, you should be very proud of yourselves.
Big Easy has been wanting someone to express their pride in him his whole life. I think he is tearing up inside. Even Flight Time is pleased to hear some encouragement.
FIRST PLACE: FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is the biggest leap to first without the aid of a Fast Forward or Intersection since Erwin & Godwin in TAR 10, Nat & Kat in TAR 17, Andrew & Syeon in TAR Asia 1, and Margie & Luke in this very season.
But hey, let em have their moment.
– Big Easy starts slapping Flight Time’s bald head.
So that’s why Big Easy needed a bandaid.
– They have won a trip for two to the Big Island of Hawaii.
FLIGHT TIME: Okay.
BIG EASY: That’s cool, baby.
PHIL: Sound good?
FLIGHT TIME: Yeah.
“Is it redeemable for its cash value?”
If only Phil told them this was part of the trip.
– Flight Time starts shaking his hips for no reason.
“Want some of this, Big Boy?”
– Flight Time talks about struggling for the past couple days, but first erases the pain. Big Easy wants to ride this momentum to the very end.
Big Easy is focused, man.
SECOND PLACE: ZEV & JUSTIN
Apparently there are multiple styles of bindis.
ZEV: A few years ago I don’t think I would have been able to come to India and deal with this at all. This is a lot to take in today, and I’m proud of myself for taking it in.
Knowing people like Zev who have to work harder than most people to be able to handle large crowds in small spaces, what he is saying is one hundred percent honest.
Just because he took it in doesn’t mean he’ll be purchasing a return ticket anytime soon, though.
– Jet & Cord collect two bundles of hay. Jet directs the driver while speaking with a lisp.
– Ron & Christina are last to the Detour. They choose Feed the Buffalo.
I love how Toilet Plunger Man casually enters the frame.
– We cut to Vyxsin.
Nothing like leaning over a dung wall to look down Vyxsin’s shirt. Was it worth the peek?
VYXSIN: I was worried about not putting on deodorant this morning. Haha!
Vyxsin made a funny!
Where the hell did the light bulb come from?
– Kent & Vyxsin call over the judge.
Gloves are for babies.
– Gary notes the big ones are removed. Him and Mallory call for the judge too. They have some that are too small and too big.
– Kent & Vyxsin’s wall is approved. So is Gary & Mallory’s. Kent & Vyxsin light the stove.
Kent & Vyxsin are so cocky. You know they think they are hot shit.
Vyxsin quickly leans back. She must have got a classic case of flaming turd in the eye.
– Kent & Vyxsin complete the Detour in 4th.
Mallory’s hands are feeling hot, but she gets the job done. That one kid is just happy for some milk.
Way to go! ^_^
– Jet & Cord walk the streets with their hay. Cord makes weird noises.
– Ron & Christina snag their hay and head back on the boat.
RON (directing the driver): ZODEE ZODEE!
I don’t think that’s a word in any language, Ron.
– Kent & Vyxsin ask for directions to the pit stop. A guy informs them that taking a boat is the wisest move.
While locals point out where to go, I feel the need to point out the massive junk of the guy on the right. Jesus. That guy doesn’t suffer from shrinkage on the Ganges.
Kent seems confident about taking a water taxi to the mat.
VYXSIN: C’mon man. Let’s get going.
KENT: Let’s go.
There is no way that pole for a paddle is going to be faster than a tuk-tuk to get to the pit stop.
VYXSIN: Okay. Are we going?
KENT: This guy is really slow.
“Punting outside of Scudamore’s would be faster than this.
VYXSIN: Hey c’mon!
KENT: Are we going?
Vyxsin scopes out an escape route.
The drivers stop to chat about the latest cricket game.
VYXSIN: Our water taxi is a -psycho-.
This is coming from two people who were panicking over how to open the trunk of a car.
KENT: Wait. Pull us back.
VYXSIN: We want back. I don’t like this. This is wrong wrong wrong.
This crowd could form a human bridge for Kent & Vyxsin to walk across before the boat driver is able to move to shore.
VYXSIN: We need to get back in there right now.
“Shhh. We haven’t discussed the latest Bollywood film.”
– Vyxsin is agitated. Remember how the Ganges River is one of the most polluted bodies of water in the world?
Well. . .
Time for a dip!
“It’s deeper than I thought!”
KENT: Don’t go in the water! Are you insane?! Vyxsin! Are you crazy?
Something tells me Vyxsin thought the water wouldn’t be so deep despite being extremely close to shore.
KENT: Get out of the water!
Vyxsin resists Kent’s clutches. This is like a messed up version of the Ganges Titanic.
– Commercial break with only four minutes to go. We re-watch Vyxsin’s dip.
KENT: You need to calm it down. This isn’t working.
And yet this proved to be the quickest way to get back to shore.
So maybe it is working.
VYXSIN: That boat is not the way we’re supposed to go!
KENT: You got to get a grip, sis!
This might be the first time any of Vyxsin’s boyfriends have referred to her as “sis”.
THIRD PLACE: KISHA & JEN
And that’s it for them this week.
– Jet & Cord complete the delivery of the hay and receive their clue.
This man has zero interest in the hay. He just wants Cord to look at the picture he took.
These buffalo need to be taught the concept of single-file lineups.
– Ron & Christina are walking through the streets with hay.
Could you imagine how itchy the back of your head must feel?
In an unaired clip, Ron tried eating the hay. It didn’t work out too well.
– Ron & Christina are last to complete the Detour. Sad.
Meanwhile, Gary & Mallory find the pit stop. Happy.
“I’m an airplane!”
After an excessive eyebrow raise even by Phil’s standards. . .
FOURTH PLACE: GARY & MALLORY
“Yay! No Snapple!”
– Kent & Vyxsin try drawing the attention of a tuk-tuk.
KENT: Whose is this?
Vyxsin walks over and checks to see the pulled over tuk-tuk.
KENT: There’s nobody there, Vyxsin. Come on!
It’s one of those Ghost Tuk-Tuks. You fell for it, Vyx.
FIFTH PLACE: JET & CORD
Yeah, Kent & Vyxsin are really effing up this scramble to the pit stop.
Phil offers Jet & Cord a handshake, but yet offers Flight Time & Big Easy a speech of encouragement.
– Cord rambles about possessing true grit.
“Does this bindi have gravy?”
Only twelve more rounds, Phil. Only twelve more rounds.
– Ron & Christina board a water taxi. Why?
CHRISTINA: We took this public water taxi because it’s the fastest way to get to the pit stop. So we’re just hoping other teams did not have the idea to take the water taxi.
Actually, they did Christina.
Just not one with a motor.
– How optimistic are they about avoiding last place?
Depends on who you ask.
– Kent & Vyxsin finally have a tuk-tuk. A driver pulls over.
KENT: Okay, get this guy out.
VYXSIN: Get out of here! C’mon!
KENT: Get this guy out.
Wait, the driver didn’t actually pull over with occupants inside?
VYXSIN: Get out.
KENT: Get this guy out.
He’s not a moth, Vyxsin. Chill.
VYXSIN: GET OUT!!!
Kent is preparing to shove the guy out of his seat.
PASSENGER: Okay, okay, okay.
NOTE: This guy has arthritis. It took a bit more effort using his knees to climb out. Don’t you feel like assholes now, Kent & Vyxsin?
Submerging yourself in the Ganges and shouting at innocent bystanders? Locals are going to remember Kent & Vyxsin well if they ever return to Varanasi.
– Ron converts to optimism.
RON: Never give up.
CHRISTINA: Never give up.
RON: Run like the wind.
CHRISTINA: Pray for the best.
But expect the worst.
Besides recreating The Schindler’s List cover, Ron’s hand looks uber swollen.
– Kent & Vyxsin have not seen Ron & Christina.
Sigh. A piece of TAR 12 royalty is guaranteed to be eliminated.
– Ron & Christina and Kent & Vyxsin are shown running through Varanasi.
Well, after Kent nearly loses one of their bags after jumping out of the tuk-tuk. Vyxsin has to point it out to him on the ground.
Kent & Vyxsin casually run by a cremation in the middle of the street. How many people died today?!
Ready for a new hernia, Ron?
– The editing goes back and forth between the two teams. Showdown.
– It’s Kent & Vyxsin.
Kent ditches his bag ASAP.
– Phil gives them the good news.
Five is alive, but six is nearly death.
Have you been working out, Kent?
KENT: Too close for comfort.
“Much like the Ganges River waste on Vyxsin’s hand. . .”
– Sigh. I’m sad.
– Ron & Christina emerge from the hole.
Gotta give em credit for the hustle.
Ron outran Christina. Wow.
PHIL: Ron & Christina. . .
This is tragic.
PHIL: You are the last team to arrive, and I’m sorry to tell you you’ve been eliminated from the race.
“Even with all of that crying.”
LAST PLACE: RON & CHRISTINA
But hey, at least Christina didn’t collapse to the mat like Luke did.
RON: We had a grand ride and it was gift to come back. A second chance. Especially before Christina gets married this year. We have no regrets and enjoy a lot of good memories.
“Except for that one where Christina didn’t know a human was an animal.”
CHRISTINA: My dad and I are much closer than before after this experience.
“Minus geographical closeness when I go to move in with Azaria to open an Ethiopian orphanage, of course. See ya dad!”
CHRISTINA: You know, winning isn’t everything and I won’t forget these memories that my dad and I have made here on The Amazing Race, and that’s what’s important.
How do we cover up Ron’s sarcasm?
With these awesome outro shots, obviously.
And there we have it. The end of Ron & Christina’s legacy.
Next Time on TAR: In Vienna, Austria, Gary & Mallory fill up while Kent & Vyxsin break down.
NUMBER OF TIMES MENTIONED IN THE ‘NEXT TIME ON TAR’ SEGMENT
KENT & VYXSIN 3
RON & CHRISTINA 2
ZEV & JUSTIN 2
JET & CORD 1
MEL & MIKE 1
JAIME & CARA 1
MARGIE & LUKE 1
KISHA & JEN: 1
GARY & MALLORY 1
FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY: 0
AMANDA & KRIS: 0
FLIGHT TIME.BIG EASY 6.4
KISHA.JEN 0.2 lol
Rank the Legs
1) Kurihama, Japan -> Lijiang, China
2) Broken Hill, Australia -> Kurihama, Japan
3) Kunming, China -> Kolkata, India
4) Kolkata, India -> Varanasi, India
Two legs in Australia. Two legs in China. Two legs in India. We are over halfway into this thing and we have only seen four countries. Sigh.
I am awarding points for the unique nature of Varanasi. If the other teams picked up on it, and the fact there were freakin’ public cremations, this is that great sense of rich culture which viewers tune in for when watching The Amazing Race. Also, those sadhus.
The flight bookings were interesting for once as rather than being put on a required flight we would see teams voluntarily split. Of course, this would put Jet & Cord thirty minutes behind. While I am not a fan of Jet & Cord and how overly dramatic their comeback was, at least the first few minutes of the leg wasn’t completely irrelevant.
There was relatively few character scenes this round. Zev panicking from the noise level in the streets and Kisha & Jen having a minor dispute was about it for this round.
Kent & Vyxsin guaranteed every team and Varanasian local to hate them as not only did Kent pointlessly betray Gary for reasons I can’t quite figure out, but also screaming at that poor passenger to scram as they knew last place was on the line.
Oh, and Vyxsin being fully submerged into the Ganges River. I know for a fact producers were flipping out when that happened. You can even hear the terror in Kent’s voice. Kent’s terror indicates teams must have been warned about going into the water upon entering Varanasi.
The story of Flight Time & Big Easy finishing in first this leg was a bit unnecessary. I get it because of the story arc, but it was a tad extreme given it has been done before.
Also, this round had an excessive number of flashbacks. Was there not enough content to show from the actual filming?
That takes me to the semi-lacklustre tasks this round. The search for the sadhus was by far the best challenge for teams. Delivering hay was lame in the Detour. Any task involving manure is amusing, but we did not see many moments from that. Other than that, no other tasks were present during this round. This round was slender for TAR’s standards.
Furthermore, seeing two TAR 12 teams fighting it out for last place was sad.
In other words, this round had a slight sub-par design but was made up by the unique location and amusing conflict.
Lastly, wow. That is a lot of animals hanging out on the street. For India, that is impressive. Is that a TAR record?
5) Lijiang, China -> Kunming, China
6) Manly, Australia -> Broken Hill, Australia
7) Palm Springs, California, US -> Manly, Australia
Rank the Teams
1) Ron & Christina
Because of the fact Ron & Christina would finish this season in the middle of the pack, I was worried they would be underedited in their return to the race.
Thankfully, my concern was unneeded.
Eighteen episodes of content for Ron & Christina is a true gift from the TAR gods. Sure, Ron’s antics was more about gustatory than it was emotional this time, but it did provide enough entertainment for us. We learned Mr. Miyagi had learned to control his erratic behaviour from TAR 12.
It is somewhat insulting for the TAR 14 teams and Ron & Christina to repeat numerous locations. What are they going to do? Complain that they were invited back for a rare competitive reality TV honour?
Some may say “hey, why didn’t they have Christina run the race with Azaria?”, and my response to that would be “the dynamic between Ron and Christina accompanied by Ron’s antics is way too valuable to sacrifice for the sake of featuring a TAR love connection.”
Seriously. Do you think Azaria would start shouting at producers and locals? Would he ramble off weird phrases? Would Azaria act like a pig in front of food like Ron does? We’d get a few sharp confessionals from Azaria, but otherwise Ron possesses more overall value to complete the duo.
What I love about Ron is he can get away with so much. Much like Zev, he can do mildly offensive impressions without raising an eyebrow (remember him firing the arrow at the Japan Roadblock?). He can openly mock Kent & Vyxsin without anyone interjecting (probably as revenge for Vyxsin’s “I have a dad too” comment from the previous season). He can stop for meals along the way and not put himself and Christina at risk of elimination.
Hell, he even cursed out Mallory for her eager and boisterous approach to finding pit stops right in front of her father.
That brings me to another point. I love how different the two father-daughter relationships are this season. Gary is passive while Mallory is disturbingly happy and energetic. Meanwhile, Ron is short-tempered and eccentric while Christina is passive.
And there was that unaired clip where Ron jumped over Big Easy’s head to score a slam dunk in the basketball game at the train station, and ordering Flight Time to suck it. I really wish they showed that.
I know I keep talking about Ron, and feel obligated to discuss Christina a bit. She is the perfect contrast to Ron. There is no way Ron could play off of anybody else as well as he does with Christina. They just wouldn’t take it or things would explode really early. That’s not to say Christina is a doormat, but her diplomacy and firm language when Ron is up to no good keeps the action going, and adds the depth to the relationship. She also is a good bridge for Ron to talk to the other teams. Without Christina, Ron would be stuck in his own little corner and wouldn’t even be able to share food and bond with Donald during the Japan leg last season.
Lastly, I just found this out on Twitter, but did you know Ron & Christina speak Chinese? Just don’t tell Zev & Justin and Kisha & Jen that. It may do those two teams more harm than good.
In all seriousness though, eighteen episodes of Ron & Christina stories is a great component of the TAR universe. That is more content than Rob & Amber got overall. When you see it in that perspective, it is impossible to be sad that they are gone.
INTERVIEW TIDBITS FROM THE WEB: Ron threw a tiny jelly pack at that bus in Lijiang; it was not a rock. Everyone was pissed about Kent & Vyxsin’s 30 minute penalty for the required flight because everyone else found a flight that was more than 30 minutes earlier than the required flight, but none of them took it because they thought the penalty for avoiding the required flight would be more severe.
Perhaps my favourite interview quote is “Flight Time — he’s played in basketball games in DC and Seattle — my Dad and I have both gone to watch him, and my Dad calls Big Easy infectious happiness.”
I wish Ron came up with nicknames for all of the racers.
2) Jaime & Cara
3) Margie & Luke
4) Mel & Mike
5) Amanda & Kris
Below is a list of all teams from seasons I have blogged to date, ranked by racing average.
e.g. Don & Mary Jean finished 9th, 8th, 8th, 8th, and 8th. Add up the numbers and divide it by the number of legs they have played.
Because of how long this list has become, I only show the relevant section where the eliminated team from this episode has fallen amongst the ranks of what TAR history has to offer.
Therefore their average is 8.2.
11th Amanda & Kris 6.5 TAR 18 Automatic U-Turned.
6th Henry & Terri 6.44 Used Their Yield; saved by a non-elimination round THREE times. R.I.P. Henry. TAR Asia 2
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43 Saved by NEL once TAR 1
8th Margie & Luke 6.4 TAR 18
9th Brett & Kinar 6.33 Rocky finish. TAR Asia 2
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 6.33 TAR Asia 1
8th Pailin & Natalie 6.33 TAR Asia 3
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25 TAR 9
7th Aja & Cabbie 6.2 TAR 13
7th Paul & Amie 6.2 TAR 1
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF TAR 4
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF Saved by NEL once TAR 10
7th Ron & Christina 6.0 TAR 18
8th Lance & Keri 6.0 TAR 15
9th Zev & Justin 6.0 Passport lost. TAR 15
10th Ernie & Jeena 6.0 TAR Asia 1
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0 TAR 4
6th Andre & Damon 5.86 TAR 3
7th Daichi & Sawaka 5.83 TAR Asia 2
7th Dave & Lori 5.83 Saved by NEL once TAR 9
5th Kami & Karli 5.8 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8 TAR 3
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8 TAR 2
7th Shana & Jennifer 5.8 Used U-Turn TAR 12
9th Heather & Eve 5.75 Legal team beaten by rule book. TAR 3
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67 R.I.P. Nancy. Saved by NEL once. TAR 1
7th Jeff & Jordan 5.67. Saved by a stupid Blind U-Turn once but dead next day. TAR 16
6th Gaghan Family 5.5 TAR 8
10th Alison & Donny 5.5 TAR 5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF TAR 4
8th Sahil & Prashant 5.4 FF. Beaten by a bunch of rules. TAR Asia 1
8th Katie & Rachel 5.4 Had all of the tools to finish with a 5.4 ratio TAR 17
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36 Saved by NEL twice TAR 7
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF TAR 4
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33 TAR 5
9th Monique & Shawne 5.33 TAR 16. Praise Jesus.
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33 TAR 7
7th KevJumba & Michael 5.29 TAR 17. NEL once + Heather & Eve Syndrome.
7th Gus & Hera 5.29 TAR 6
4th Nick & Vicki 5.27 TAR 17 Saved by NEL twice
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25 Saved by NEL once TAR 11
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25 TAR 5
8th Lorena & Jason 5.25 U-Turned TAR 12
Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)
11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 10 + 11
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 3 + 11
6 legs (lol) Amanda & Kris 5.17 U-Turned twice TAR 14 + 18
17 legs Jaime & Cara 5.06 Used U-Turn and U-Turned TAR 14 + 18
10 legs Mel & Mike 5.00 TAR 14 + 18
18 legs Danielle 4.78 yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
19 legs Teri & Ian 4.63 FF TAR 3 + 11
18 legs Ron & Christina 4.44 TAR 12 + 18
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF TAR 1 + 11
20 legs Charla & Mirna 4.00 TAR 5 + 11
21 legs Joe & Bill 3.71 FF, saved by NEL thrice TAR 1 + 11
22 legs Uchenna & Joyce 3.64 FF x2, saved by NEL twice TAR 7 + 11
18 legs Margie & Luke 3.61 Used U-Turn TAR 14 + 18
*31 legs Eric & Danielle 3.48 FF, yielded x3, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
23 legs Oswald & Danny 3.30 FF x3, used Yield, saved by NEL twice TAR 2 + 11
25 legs Dustin & Kandice 3.04 used Yield twice, saved by NEL once TAR 10 + 11
26 legs Eric 2.65 FF, yielded x2, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
17 legs Rob & Amber 2.41 Used Yield TAR 7 + 11
* I determined Eric & Danielle’s average in this last section by adding up all of their individual points from TAR 9, then adding up their total points in All Stars and dividing it by 31.