The Amazing Race 18 Unfinished Business Episode Six Rankings

Sixth episode

“Luke and Mallory Are Being TEAsed, and We Are Laughing At Them!”

(Episode blog #266)



Previously on TAR: Nine teams continued racing from Lijiang to Kunming. A second leg in China took its toll on the teams (but not on the production budget).

Dating Goths Kent & Vyxsin started the leg facing a penalty, and lied about it to the other teams.

At the Double U-Turn, Kent & Vyxsin seized an opportunity and forced Jaime & Cara to pay it forward.

Gary & Mallory used the Express Pass they won in the first leg, but Cowboys Jet & Cord came out on top.

A final showdown at a prehistoric Roadblock had Kent & Vyxsin and the Globetrotters surviving. And Jaime & Cara falling short.

PHIL: I am sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated.

kunming again jaime cara

“Thanks, Phil.”

Eight teams remain; who will be eliminated next?



NOTE: I just finished reading Jaime & Cara’s post-race interviews about how much time they lost thanks to their cab driver stopping for gas. You know what annoys me about this? It’s not even the worst case of a cabbie stopping for gas that I have ever seen.

kunming jaime cara 21

You thought you had it bad, Jaime & Cara?

thailand hose

What about Niroo & Kapil’s taxi driver who stopped for gas at the end of the premiere of TAR Asia 3, and ended up wasting more time because he didn’t park close enough for the hose to reach his tank?

Now that is brutal. I feel I needed to point that out.

– Intro time. This is our last chance to take a breather before we get to what was billed in last week’s preview as the “Margie & Luke episode”.

kolkata howard

Is that Howard from TAR Asia (1) in the intro? Huh. Interesting.

– OK. Let’s dive in.

– Phil introduces us to Kunming.

PHIL: This growing metropolis was established in the 12th century as a trading post. It is Mandarin for “Another F-cking City to Visit in China”.

Nah, just kidding. But I was close.

PHIL: This is Kunming, China. A significant trading centre since the time of the Silk Road. At the edge of the city: Green Lake Park. An oasis in the midst of this bustling city. This three hundred year old park was the fifth pit stop in a race around the world.

kunming again food

They traded food. Why do you think Ron settled down in China for several years?

– Jet & Cord, who arrived at an unspecified time, will depart first at 2:14pm.

kunming again jet cord mccoy

Jean pants and jean shirt? Isn’t that a little excessive, Cord?

JET: It’s Tea Time.

– Phil says teams must head to Jin Fu Yi Zhan Tea Shop where they’ll take part in a traditional tea tasting.

kunming again jin fu yi zhan

If my knowledge of Mandarin is correct from Survivor: China, ‘Zhan’ either means ‘yellow’ or ‘tiger’.

PHIL: What they don’t know is that the papaya and mango infused tea they’ll be drinking will appear in a challenge later on in the leg.

kunming again papaya mango

Teams have to remember a papaya and mango concoction later on in the round?

kunming again tea 2

Oh, and of course the secret ingredient. . .

kunming again tea

This guy’s urine. You know, to complete the infusion.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but other than final memory challenges, production has never surprised teams by doing a task that relies on you to remember something earlier on in the round without telling you beforehand.

brazil dandrew 2

I would include the Stairs task from the TAR 13 premiere, but the twist was contained within the same challenge.


kunming jaime edmundson 20

kunming palaeontologist 6

“I can remember a hot-tea no matter how much time has passed. Ohohohohoho.”

Ew. Palaeontologists are the worst.

– Once teams have completed the tasting, they will receive a brick of tea and their next clue.


Of course, this brick of tea is appropriate given teams will be sh–ting bricks from the tainted tea consumption shortly after completing this task. Rather than, you know, as my friend Michael stated, a brick of cocaine.

– Jet & Cord don’t mind and run off the mat.

kunming again cord mccoy

After counting cash beforehand, of course.

– Jet talks about his family making as much of a sacrifice as he is running the race. His wife is taking care of his two year old and the ranch. Jet adds Cord is doing the same thing (Cord’s wife is taking care of Jet’s two year old and his two year old too?).

– Gary & Mallory open the clue at 2:16pm. Mallory reads the clue saying “it’s tea time” in the voice of a British woman.

MALLORY: Are we staying in China???? Noooooooooooo.

kunming again gary mallory ervin

Oh noes.

kunming again gary mallory ervin 2

It’s okay, Mallory. This is only your third round doing a task here. You’ll get used to this. And you thought you had been able to avoid the Dark Ages of TAR.

kunming again bull

-Another- round in Kunming? That’s a bunch of bull, the racers say.

NOTE: Since TAR 14, this marks the ninth round in a five season span to have a task in China.

– Mallory’s spirits are lifted, though.

MALLORY: We’re gonna go taste some tea. I used to have tea parties all the time when I was little so I know a lot about tea.

kunming again gary mallory ervin 3


kunming again gary mallory ervin 4

Fond childhood memories. ❤

– Gary’s face is hilarious.

kunming again gary mallory ervin 5

Round 5: A Detour involving playing with dolls.
Round 6: Tasting tea for the sole purpose of a gigantic tea party later on in the leg.

With that being said, do you think the race has been designed for a 50-year-old man who runs marathons and wanted a son or a 20-something-year-old former beauty pageant contestant?

– Margie & Luke depart third at 2:48pm.

kunming again margie luke adams

“Head to the Jin Fu Yi Zhan Tea Shop in Kunming–”

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“I don’t wanna!”

Kunming Tourism Board has some Unfinished Business with CBS.

kunming again margie luke adams 3

jack bauer 2

You know nobody wants to visit your city when they are quoting Jack Bauer.

kunming again cage

Margie & Luke and Kisha & Jen feel more trapped in China than a dove in a cage. It truly is China Rush for them. Six of their past ten rounds of TAR have had a minimum of one task in China. That’s ridiculous.

gino jesse canada

“You guys are delusional! Staying in the same country for your whole life is a great way to explore the world!”

– Luke whines some more as Margie finishes reading the clue.

kunming again luke adams

Nike sponsoured this atrocity.

– Jet & Cord arrive at the street where the tea shop is supposed to be. They walk around.

JET: But nothin’s in English.

kunming again english

That’s in English.

– Gary & Mallory are running as they enter a cluster of tea shops. They see the sign for the route marker.

kunming again english 2

Which is also in English.

kunming again elephant

Editors fail to address the elephant in the room.

And hey, what happened to that elephant’s trunk? Did it snort too much crack and have a part of it collapse?

– Gary & Mallory prepare for tea time.

kunming again gary mallory ervin 6

Mallory is excited; Gary is not.

– It’s time to drink.

kunming again tea 6

Holding a cup with chopsticks? I am impressed.

kunming again gary mallory ervin 7

Gary reluctantly sticks his pinky out like Mallory.


Almost, Mallory. Something tells me they don’t have papayas and mangos in Kentucky. Peach is the closest thing they would grow.

– The Teamaster pours some more for them.

kunming again gary mallory ervin 8

He must be lonely. If I were him, I would keep pouring tea over and over and over again until one of them says something.

MALLORY: Oh. More.

kunming again gary ervin 3

“We have to drink more of this crap?”

kunming again mallory ervin

“Yay! More tea!”

– Jet & Cord enter the tea house and see Gary & Mallory.

JET: Gary and Mallory!

kunming again mallory ervin 2

. . .Put your game face on, Mall.

kunming again mallory ervin 3


She sure likes that tea.

MALLORY (female British voice again): Sit and have some tea with us!

kunming again mallory ervin 4

“It’ll get ya drunk!”

kunming again gary mallory ervin 9

“But seriously, you can sit with us.”

kunming again jet cord mccoy 2

“Lone Rangers finally have some friends!”

kunming again mallory ervin 5

“Haha, just kidding. We’ve gotta go. Suckers!”

JET: How’s the tea?

kunming again mallory ervin 6

“Too good.”

– Mallory informs them the flavour is peach as she leaves. Jet & Cord sit down.

CORD: Do we have to take our hats off for this?
(Cheesy sound effect plays.)

kunming again jet cord mccoy 3

“Get it? Because we’re Cowboys, and Cowboys never take their hats off unless it is absolutely required.”

– Gary & Mallory read the clue.

kolkata gary mallory ervin 4

MALLORY: Fly to. . .India?

kolkata gary mallory ervin

I don’t know if Mallory is REALLY excited about going to India or if that is her really offensive impression of a Chinese person.


She is. . .excited.

– Phil says teams will fly 900 miles to one of the most populous urban areas in the world–Kolkata, India. During TAR 12, Phil said it has the same population of LA but in one-tenth of the space. When they arrive, they must make their way to Town Hall where they will find their next clue.

– Why are they going to Kolkata, anyway?

obie trice china

It’s not like it has s-it to do with the tea in China, as Obie Trice would say.

kolkata tea

Tea Horse Route?

kolkata tea horse road

It’s not Tea Horse Route, producers. It is Tea Horse ROAD. God, you guys are idiots. Do you even Wiki your clues before typing them out?

It is interesting the tea link started with Kunming/Yunnan province and ended in Kolkata.

kolkata tea horse road 2

I find it fascinating that Jeff Fuchs, the Canadian adult film star (not American), was the first to travel on the Tea Horse Road.

jeff fuchs

You want to play with Jeff, ladies? He’ll fuch you up.

kolkata tea

Wait a second. Why is there a note telling teams that Town Hall is near the High Court? Isn’t that a pretty big hint? Oh, and I’d love to see teams use their brick of tea as carry-on for the flight.

kolkata town hall

They might need the hint because there is no signage for the Town Hall.

kolkata town hall 2

And the building is hard to miss.

– Mallory plays with the brick of tea and hops back to their cab. She could not be more excited.

– Jet & Cord are stuck inside with their tea.

JET: Cheers to us.

Only the Cowboys would dedicate a toast to themselves.

kunming again jet cord mccoy 4

“I would rather drink gravy than peach tea, Jet.”

– Kisha & Jen start the round in fourth at 3:43pm.

JEN: We’re going to a Chinese tea shop so (gritted teeth) we are -not out of China-.

kunming again kisha jen hoffman

I love it. Three out of four teams are already talking about how much they hate being stuck in China.

kunming again kisha jen hoffman 2

Kisha doesn’t mind, though.

– Kent & Vyxsin’s Five Alive begin the round at 3:52pm. Remaining in China does not freak them out, surprisingly.

kunming again kent vyxsin

They went all out today.

– Globetrotters begin at 3:59pm.

BIG EASY: We’re still in China?

Make that four out of six.

– Margie & Luke drink the “peach” tea.

kunming again margie luke adams 4

You love tea, Luke? If you’re lucky, tomorrow you will have a chance to drink all of the tea you could ever dream of.

NOTE: Margie & Luke opened the clue to initially read they were going to another country. Unfortunately, it only led to more cursing as they went to yet another country they had already visited in TAR 14. The scene was edited out.

– Ron & Christina start in seventh at 4:09pm. They say nothing as Ron is huffing and puffing as if he drank some hot tea.

– Zev & Justin bring up the rear at 4:10pm.

JUSTIN: Are you kidding me?
ZEV: More China?
JUSTIN: More China?! Get us out of here!

kunming again justin kanew

Have you never made it to the midway point of a season of TAR before, Justin? This is when locations tend to repeat more than any other point during the season!

kunming again zev justin

Zev & Justin: The first team to quit The Amazing Race by fleeing for the Vietnamese border on foot just so they could get out of China.

And why is Zev wearing 70s astronaut themed clothing?

JUSTIN: Leaving in last place, and we needed a pick me up. I think the silver pyjamas are just that.

kunming again zev justin 2

“Which both of us agreed to wear together but. . .but. . .but. . .I have a cold.”

– Kisha & Jen, Kent & Vyxsin, and the Globetrotters drink tea.

FLIGHT TIME: Delicious.

kunming again globetrotters

“I have major gas. . .but delicious!”

– Ron & Christina drink the tea as well as speak Chinese.


Isn’t this a bit unfair for producers to allow a guy involved with a task to help out Ron & Christina for another challenge down the road? I mean, I like Ron & Christina pretty much the most out of this whole cast, but I may even have to call foul here.

CHRISTINA: Oh! It’s Papaya Mango Tea!

kunming again ron christina hsu 4

“It’s Papaya Mango Tea! Something we would not have known if we had not spoken to him in Chinese to find out!”

kunming again ron christina hsu 5

Ron’s mind is blown.

ZEV: Cheers!
JUSTIN: Cheers buddy! Nice pyjamas!
ZEV: Thanks dude!

kunming again zev justin 3

Zev looks like he is ready for a servant to bring him breakfast in bed.

kunming again zev glassenberg

ZEV: Euh. I have no clue what this tastes like.


Ancient Chinese secret, Zev.

– Zev & Justin shake her hand.

ZEV: Well, that was pointless.

That could apply to almost anything you do on The Amazing Race, really. You’re not going to find some life-defining purpose on the bottom of a Travelocity gnome or a Double U-Turn board, Zev.

kunming again zev justin 4

You will find meaning in that handshake though, Zev. It builds character.

– They get into a cab which means everyone is on their way to the airport and–

kunming again flight

Oh, it’s boarding.

kunming again flight 2

Oh it’s gone.

Staff was busy as a bee! Who still spells it as ‘Calcutta’, by the way?

WHO HAS THE MAJOR ADVANTAGE IN INDIA?: Ron & Christina (Mumbai); Margie & Luke (Jaipur); Kisha & Jen (Jaipur).
WHO HAS THE SLIGHT ADVANTAGE IN INDIA?: Kent & Vyxsin (they were eliminated in Mumbai).

kolkata flight 3

This is the Tea Horse Road from start to finish.

– The flight lands and Mallory screams as all of the teams run together out of the airport.
kolkata mallory ervin

Mallory is finding this experience rather frightening. Zev is still wearing his silver pyjamas.

kolkata flight time

Flight Time has the opportunity to trip Vyxsin the same way he tripped Sam & Dan, but decides against it.

kolkata kisha hoffman

You might be thinking “Did producers tell Kolkata locals about TAR’s arrival at the airport beforehand”, but I can assure you the crowds are always this curious during India and Bangladesh legs.

kolkata crowd

Justin accurately describes this crowd.

kolkata crowd 2

“I thought this was the lineup to see Slumdog Millionaire 2. I am -very- disappointed.”

– Mallory screams some more at the top of her lungs.

kolkata mallory ervin zev

Did Zev secretly threaten to kill Mallory while they were on the plane? Jesus.

– Mallory has an announcement to make.

kolkata crowd 3

creepy 2

“We love you too. 😉 ”

Oh god. How did he get here all the way from Mumbai?

kolkata crowd 4

This is unreal.

– Mallory calls to everyone else where the taxis are currently lined up.

– Globetrotters are first out of the parking lot. Gary & Mallory are second.

MALLORY: I have never seen that many people in my whole life.

kolkata mallory ervin 2


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wonka meme

Tell me all about how Mallory is losing her mind.

JUSTIN: Kolkata is insane.
ZEV: It’s Kolkrazy.

– Ron is blown away by the number of people for a midnight flight.

kolkata ron christina hsu

“We were so squished that the other person sitting beside me squished the cookies I had in my coat pocket!”

– The Globetrotters tell their driver they want to be first everywhere they go.

kolkata tax

The taxi driver thinks the others are Flight Time & Big Easy’s friends?

BIG EASY: NO! NO! We’re trying to beat them!

kolkata flight time big easy


– Gary is finding the taxi ride uncomfortable.


I wonder what Gary prefers?

norway gary ervin 5

The taxi or a Norwegian harness?

MALLORY: Very very very fast, please.
(JET & CORD’s taxi passes them.)

kolkata cord mccoy

“We told our driver to go very very very VERY fast. That made the difference.”

kolkata taxi

And here comes the pass.

kolkata cord mccoy 2


kolkata gary mallory ervin 8

There is only so much you can do on The Amazing Race.

– Jet & Cord’s cab is in the process of passing the Globetrotters.

kolkata flight time 2

Flight Time acknowledges what is going to happen. I doubt it will matter since most Town Halls are not open past one o’ clock in the morning.

– Cord makes fun of how oversized the Globetrotters are in the taxi.

kunming again jet cord globetrotters


Actually, they are not ridiculously oversized for once. Furthermore, Cord’s impression looks more like a Harlem Hawking rather than a Harlem Globetrotter.


Which is fitting since the Globetrotters and Stephen Hawking are the two greatest minds when it comes to quantum physics.

BIG EASY: They’re not our friends.
FLIGHT TIME: We want to beat them.

Which will be proven soon.

kunming again train

Margie & Luke are nearly run over by a train. How the hell does that happen on a road in India?

kunming again margie luke adams 5

“That doesn’t happen in Colorado. . .unless you drive in rural areas when the stoners try their luck during the night.”

JUSTIN: Red light. Take it easy! Doesn’t mean anything to Babo.

kunming again red light

“Red light? Pfffft.”

kolkata driver

“They are nothing more than a mere suggestion rather than an actual rule.”

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“Maybe we should’ve had a third full length round in China.”

kolkata traffic

Where are the lines for lanes on the road?

RON: I can hear the Cowboys screeching ‘ya yahoo’.

kolkata ron christina hsu 2

Christina is either responding to the insane driving or Ron’s insanely bad cowboy impression. Now that would have been an interesting spaghetti western.

NOTE: A spaghetti Western is where you watch a film about cowboys while Ron eats spaghetti the whole time.

– Ron’s impression is interrupted because lots of tire screeching occurs and. . .

kolkata truck


kolkata truck 2

Oh hai. Didn’t see ya there.

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That moment when you realize. . .

kolkata ron christina hsu 4

You were nearly Shana & Jennifer’d.

RON: That was. . .that was close.

Editors are always teasing us. There has to be one time where one team gets absolutely pulverized by another vehicle like it’s a freakin’ action film, and are run off the f–king road.
On second thought, I don’t want to give CBS any ideas to help boost ratings for TAR 28.
Oh, it’s Social Media Stars? Nevermind then.

– Globetrotters and Zev arrive at Town Hall.

kolkata town hall 3

Of course. It feels like most India legs have teams arriving at night, and follow it up by making everybody camp outside of the first route marker.

NOTE: This will end after TAR 27, though. The only night leg of the season was in India, and Tiffany & Krista were in harm’s way for a couple of the tasks.

kolkata big easy zev

“Can we hop the fence and break in to grab the clue?”

– Kent & Vyxsin, Kisha & Jen, Zev & Justin, and the Harlem Globetrotters all see the sign and begin settling down.

VYXSIN: There’s a lot of us.

kolkata kent vyxsin

Yes. Be careful of what the other teams might do during the night.

– Which takes us perfectly into this scene. Ron & Christina, Margie & Luke, Jet & Cord, and Gary & Mallory have shown up.

MALLORY: There they are.

kolkata gary mallory ervin 10

“Are we missing something? Why are they all lying down?”

– The remaining four teams exit the cab.


kolkata gary mallory ervin 9

MALLORY: Where?! Where?!

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Mallory nearly trips over Gary’s foot in the excitement.

BIG EASY: Sign in! Sign in!

kolkata gary mallory ervin 12

“The sign-in sheet is in Mumbai?! And we have to run there?!”

kolkata margie luke adams

Even Luke is getting in on the panic.

Jen is finding this to be so hilarious that she can’t help but jump five feet in the air.

kolkata ron christina hsu 5

Ron & Christina attempt to run past Margie.


kolkata luke mallory

Luke may need to elbow Mallory if things get intense.

kolkata jet cord mccoy

Jet & Cord are FOLLOWING. Again, they ain’t no Lone Rangers.

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How far are they running?

kolkata vyxsin justin

Well, it’s better to have a goofy scene like this at night in India rather than a “omg the poverty omg we appreciate things so much more at home now”.

KENT (in the most sarcastic voice I have ever heard in my life): You guys are pranksters.

kolkata globetrotters

Next Time on TAR: Flight Time & Big Easy discreetly place a whoopee cushion on Justin’s seat during their next flight.

MALLORY: Big Easy! Big Easy! Where is it?
kolkata mallory ervin 6

Mallory is like a two year old who was told by her older brother there was a plate full of cookies in the other room.

BIG EASY: Look at Mall! Look at Mall!

kolkata jen hoffman

kolkata big easy

Sorry Big Easy, but good luck trying to hide behind anybody in this cast. Something tells me Mallory will have an easy time finding you.

kolkata joke

Big Easy ends the joke.

kolkata group

The trailing teams return to be humiliated.

MALLORY: I hate y’all!

kolkata gary mallory ervin 13

This is the closest to a hateful facial expression Mallory has ever possessed in her life.

MALLORY: I hate every one of you!

kolkata mallory ervin 7

She hates Zev.

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She hates Big Easy.

kolkata mallory ervin 9

Big Easy covers up after the first strike. Now it’s Kisha’s turn.

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Blocked by Kisha.

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Mallory goes for a single leg takedown on Jen.

MALLORY: OH MY GOD! We’re like a pack of dogs!

kolkata mallory ervin 12

I love how this scene involved eight people being fooled, but Mallory gets all of the attention because she most resembles child-like naiveté.

– Considering Flight Time & Big Easy’s usual prank as Harlem Globetrotters involves pulling down the opposing team’s pants, something tells me a joke like that with Mallory wouldn’t fly over too well with Gary.

– The sun emerges in Kolkata.

kolkata traffic 2

Traffic has died down just a tad.

kolkata chef

kolkata teams

Teams appear to have their own private chef, and Margie is. . .uh. . .

– Gary & Mallory get the obligatory “omg they live in poverty omg we’re so lucky” confessional. They got it during one of the Ghana legs in TAR 17 as well.

kolkata teams 2

I thought everyone had a pre-arranged agreement that -nobody- would mention the poverty or use the words ‘appreciative’ and ‘thankful’ in a confessional. You backed out, Gary & Mall!

GARY: People were sleeping right where they are now cooking.

kolkata food

Which is Ron’s ultimate goal in life. Sleep and eat without having to move!

MALLORY: I think the race is all about living like the people live, and moving like the people move, and I think this is a tough place to survive in which means we’re in for a tough leg.

kolkata gary mallory ervin 14

“Oh, and the race is all about unicorns too.”

kolkata hair

Are they trimming each other’s moustaches?

kolkata teams 3

Everyone looks tired and bored. I doubt anyone got any sleep last night. Luke and Kent both look exhausted.

– It’s 10:00am.

kolkata teams 4

No tomfoolery today–this is the real deal.

kolkata arrows

Well this is confusing.

ROADBLOCK HINT: Who is ready to drink in the scenery?

PHIL: Kolkata has always been the point where Chinese tea and Indian tea left for China. Now in this place where flavours have been traded for centuries, teams will now have their powers of perception to the extreme.

kolkata tea 2

Give me a T!

kolkata tea 3

Give me. . .more tea.

– Teams will participate in the ancient Indian art of tea tasting which takes years to master. They will take one papaya and one mango (native Indian fruits), and their brick of tea and bring them to the tea auctioneer.

kolkata tea 4

A tea auctioneer? Now that’s an occupation you don’t hear of in the West.

– After the auctioneer infuses the flavours, team members must find the same tea they tasted at the shop in China amongst hundreds of cups filled with a vast array of flavours.

kolkata tea 5

Papaya and mango? It doesn’t sound very “taste tea” to me.

When they do, they will receive a bottle of Iced Tea from the Tea Auctioneer with a clue under the cap.

ice t.jpg

You mean the next clue is under his Raiders hat?

kolkata phil keoghan


kolkata cap

That’s what Phil meant.

– Everyone heads over to the papaya and mango station.

kolkata papaya mango

Which is well decorated, might I add.

– Kisha, Luke, and Kent enter the room.

KENT: Good. . .god.

kolkata kent luke kisha

I have a question.

What if I decided to be an asshole, and drank the correct flavour but refused to say anything repeatedly? I drink every papaya and mango tea on the table except for the last one, thus ensuring nobody else is able to advance beyond this task.

Would that be legal?

kolkata mallory ervin 13

Mallory has already named her two companions–Pappy and Manny.

kolkata drums

kolkata guitar

Drop that beat.

kolkata pole

That’s just a wooden pole.

KENT: I bring you papaya and I bring you mango.

kolkata kent kaliber

. . .Your Grace.

– Flight Time places the fruit in the basket.

kolkata flight time 4

FLIGHT TIME: Here you go, homie. That’s all you.

kolkata flight time 3

Flight Time is trying really hard to make up for lost years of not being the class clown in elementary school.

kolkata margie adams

Margie is bored already. Get used to that spot, Margie. You’ll be there for a while.

– Everyone comments on the insane quantitea before them.

kolkata tea 6

Why are they wasting time figuring out where to start? Just start on one end and work your way through it.

– You know who might struggle?

kolkata mallory ervin 14

The one who thinks she is searching for a peach flavour.

– Kisha is trying to remember if it was light or a dark colour.

kolkata kent kaliber 2

I have a feeling most of these flavours are not going to taste like the bottom of a cereal bowl.

kolkata mallory ervin 15

Mallory agrees.

– Ron & Christina speak Mandarin to one another.

kolkata ron hsu

While Ron must love doing any Roadblock task involving taste, this might be more of a challenge because instead of it being a straight up ‘drink or eat X amount of this’, it is all about recalling the flavour.

Most middle-aged men don’t spend the time to savour any food or drink, if I recall correctly.

RON: Seeing this big long table that must have had at least a thousand cups, I said I’ll work by process of elimination. I just try to see if I could smell or look at the colour.

kolkata ron hsu 2

Smells like blue.

kolkata ron hsu 3

RON: And the wafe of the mango did come through.

Tastes like. . .

kolkata ron hsu 4

MANGO! I WANT EVERY LAST DROP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kolkata ron hsu 5

The production crew is having a really tough time staying out o the shot this season.

– Ron delivers his first cup to the tea auctioneer.

kolkata ron hsu 6

I presume there is a number under each teacup.

– Ron is miraculously correct on the very first cup. How the hell did he do that?

kolkata tea auctioneer

“Who did you bribe in City Hall?”

kolkata ron hsu 7

Miyagi knows his Asian teas. Damn.

kolkata cord gary

This is just like TAR 12 all over again. Nobody thinks Ron & Christina are contenders until we get halfway into the season. Awesome.

JEN: He got it already?

kolkata jen hoffman 2

“He probably knows exactly what type of deodorant I am wearing.”

– Ron receives his next clue.

kolkata snapple

In the form of an ice cold unbranded mystery drink!

kolkata kisha hoffman 2

Everyone else lines up with their first cup. Kisha is looking at the bottom for a hint.

– Ron is stumped.

RON: How do I find the clue? Do I have to drink this stuff and then it‘s inside?

kolkata ron hsu 8

Check out the bottom? Nope.

kolkata ron hsu 9

Check out the bottom again? Nope. Still not it.

kolkata ron hsu 10


The print is too small which means Christina has to grab the cap and read the clue.

kolkata ron christina hsu 6

Wait a second! Ron used it as a diversion to take a sip of the unlabelled tea bottle! That’s awfully brave of you, Ron. You don’t know what’s in that drink.

– Christina reads that teams must make their way to the Jorasanko area and find the Tiwari Tea Stall.

kolkata ron christina hsu 7

Ron leans in closer because he does not believe there are more tea tasks in this leg.

kolkata tiwari tea stall

There’s a bunch of people at a tea stall–they’re short and stout.

kolkata tiwari tea stall 2

How can a hotel fit in that tea shop?!

CHRISTINA: Daddy, you were first. You were aweso–
RON: Let’s keep the lead.

Yeah. Don’t pull a Christina and choke near the end of the leg with first place in sight.

– Kisha knew what the colour was, but four hundred of the cups are the same colour. Needless to say this will be time consuming. Big Easy is on the audio shouting detail and to drink as much tea as possible.

– Ron & Christina are outside hailing a cab.

kolkata christina hsu

“Hi, we need to go to the location listed on this bottle cap. Why are you giving me a weird look? Just go where the bottle cap tells you to go, bitch!”

kolkata dog


kolkata dog 2

“Did someone summon me?”

RON: He knows where it is?
RON: He better. You don’t screw us.

kolkata ron christina hsu 8

I love how Ron glares at the sound guy as if it is a warning for producers too. Don’t you dare cross Miyagi.

– We go back inside. The tempo of the music picks up. Flight Time drinks more tea, and shakes his upper body out as he makes a DMX-like grunt.

kolkata flight time 5

You mean most after parties for the Harlem Globetrotters doesn’t involve drinking copious amounts of tea?

– Big Easy praises Flight Time for drinking three cups then bring up one to be judged.

kolkata big easy 2

It will take less time for the Globetrotters to drink a thousand cups of mango tea than it would to unscramble the word ‘mango’.

– Zev appears helpless.

kolkata zev glassenberg 1

The Moustaches are insulted Zev is hesitant to drink their tea.

JUSTIN: You got this Zevvy! Think of it as Tea Pong. . .He’s good at beer pong.

kolkata zev big easy

“Maybe we can play 3-on-3 Street Pong with the Globetrotters at the next bunching at a train station!”

Zev is good at beer pong? Please teach me Zev because I -suck- at beer pong. It took me sixteen or seventeen shots before I landed my first ball in a cup.

– Zev had no clue what the tea tasted like. He just started drinking and hope he gets lucky. Kent is getting rejected too.

kolkata mallory ervin 16

Is this happening?

kolkata mallory ervin 17

Could Mallory be the first to puke out tea on The Amazing Race? What happens if she accidentally pukes into a bunch of cups on the table?

kolkata mallory ervin 18

Or producers might get lucky as she vomits it on her shirt instead, possibly.

– Let’s check in with Luke.


Eh, I’m sure you will get the hang of it. Science and Social Studies? Now that’s tough.

– Jet changes his strategy after the sixth or seventh cup as he begins to copy the Ron Hsu Sniff Strategy.

kolkata jet mccoy 1

Best case scenario: It’s correct.

kolkata jet mccoy 2

Worst case scenario: He has a new spittin’ cup.

kolkata rock star

I have heard of rock stars suffering from depression. . .

kolkata rock star 2

But this is ridiculous.

kolkata rock star 3

This is the worst gig ever.

– Jet waits for approval from the auctioneer. It’s correct.

kolkata jet mccoy 3

“Smell my armpit, Flight Time!”

kolkata mallory ervin 19

Jet’s armpits likely smell as bad as the tea, according to Mallory.

– The auctioneer presents the unlabelled bottle.

JET (excited): Oh! Snapple!

Dang. That does look like a Snapple bottle.

kolkata jet mccoy 4

19TH CENTURY COWBOY VOICEOVER: For centuries, cowboys from the West and Indians from the East have practiced the long and righteous tradition of exchanging gifts. Nothing expresses hospitality quite like a mango flavoured Snapple.

Snapple. Bringing Cowboys and Indians together in harmony for generations.

– Jet & Cord run out with their Snapple bottle.

kolkata jet cord mccoy 1

Jet pulls out the shades. It’s on now.

kolkata clue 1

These clues are very specific this round.

– The remaining teams are suffering.

JEN: At one point are your taste buds going to taste like tea?

kolkata luke adams 4

Maybe after about two or three litres of tea. I am curious if that is how much they have drank.

If you can overdose on water, I wonder how much tea you would have to drink before your life is at risk?

kolkata mallory ervin 20

Because Mallory feels like she is getting close to that point.

– Flight Time looks like an eager child as he waits for his tea to approved.

kolkata flight time 6

But he will be rejected.

– Kisha brings up a cup for judgment.

kolkata kisha hoffman 3

‘Tis good. Kisha’s trademarked laugh emerges and is hyper extended.


kolkata mallory ervin 22

Mallory still hasn’t gotten used to it.

– There is a subtle moment where Kent stumbles when trying to climb onto the stage as Kisha receives her clue.

kolkata kent kaliber 4

Are you okay, Kent?

kolkata kent kaliber 5

He nearly rolls onto his stomach, but braces himself at the last second. Even Luke glances over to make sure Kent is not in danger. Perhaps he should take the stairs like everyone else.

– It is a good thing Jen didn’t drink all of this tea. Kisha might do a better job of holding it leading up to the pit stop.

– Kisha & Jen are in the hallway debating what the clue could be.

KISHA: That’s is our clue. I don’t know what that means.
JEN: What’chu mean that’s our clue?
KISHA: This is our clue. Maybe it’s where they make the Snapples? Is there a Snapple Factory here?
JEN (squealing): I don’t know.

kolkata kisha jen hoffman 1

Yes, Jen. Kisha is right. Everything really is outsourced these days.

– Jet & Cord have yet to find a cab. They compliment a taxi’s horn.

kolkata horn 1

But they heard it at a grave cost.

– Kisha & Jen ask their taxi driver where they make Snapple.

kolkata kisha jen hoffman 2

You know, the national drink of India?

kolkata kisha jen hoffman 3

They proceed to ask a random guy on the street. Good luck, guys. You’re going to need it.

kolkata tea 7

Jesus. Wow. Sometimes The Amazing Race really is about having things go your way.

– Jet & Cord find a driver who knows where to go.

kolkata driver 1

He gives himself a pat on the back for a job well done.

– After Kent’s next rejection, he starts tearing up.

KENT: I’ve drunk so much tea, but for some reason none of them are the right one. I don’t get it.

kolkata kent kaliber 6

And there’s so much more to be drunk.

t pain

Wait, why are we talking like T-Pain?

– Mallory prays to Jesus to give her the answer. Flight Time makes a vomity sound as the tea dribbles down his shirt.

kolkata flight time 7

That’s no Photoshop. That outline you see from his lips down to his neck is all tea dripping. Flight Time is making it look like freakin’ Gatorade.

kolkata margie adams 1

Margie becomes concerned.

kolkata luke adams 5

Primarily because Luke is preparing to throw in the tea towel.

JUSTIN: C’mon Zev! That’s the one!

kolkata zev glassenberg 2

Not the one.

JUSTIN: Zev is wearing his Tea Drinking Pyjamas. It doesn’t seem to be working.

kolkata justin kanew 1

Must go to happy place.

– Kent presents a cup declaring it is the right one.

KENT: Please give me clue.

kolkata kent kaliber 7

KENT: Where?

kolkata kent kaliber 8

“Oh? The Depressed Man’s guitar?”

kolkata kent kaliber 9

“That cooler over there?”

– Kent must have figured it out because him and Vyxsin exit the building as Kent demands to have his bag.

kolkata kent vyxsin 2

Geez. At least wait until you’re out of the room, Kent.

– With only four teams left, Mallory starts to panic.

kolkata mallory ervin 24

Now is -not- the time to steam your face, Mall!

– Luke asks a philosophical question.


Finally. Luke gets his first confessional since episode two.

ZEV: I’ve dranken the same one about seven times. They all look the same now.

kolkata zev glassenberg 3

Knowing Zev, he probably said “they all look the same now. . .just like the Japanese”, but editors did him a favour by clipping the last part of his statement.

kolkata mallory ervin 25

Mallory sniffs one more.

kolkata mallory ervin 26

Tastes like. . .

kolkata mallory ervin 27

“Peach? I think this might be the one?”

kolkata mallory ervin 28

I think she might have it.

kolkata mallory ervin 29

Quick cross on her chest to ensure Jesus can verify the flavour.

Remember Mall, Luke and Zev are getting frustrated. If you’re right, you will want to keep your celebration to a minimum until you leave the building.

kolkata mallory ervin 30

Eh, f–k it. It’s all you, Mall!

MARGIE: She got it! She -knew- it! -Good job-, Mall!

Heh. Margie praises her like a second grade school teacher. Hilarious.

kolkata mallory ervin 31

Although I can understand why.

– Mallory makes some weird revving engine sound as she frantically claps her hands repeatedly.

kolkata mallory ervin 32

“I don’t know what’s in this tea but I am WIRED!”

– The audio can barely pick up her saying a bunch of things under her breath. I think she says ‘goodness gracious’ at one point.

kolkata mallory ervin 33

Much like how Survivor contestants quit eating coconut after their stint on the show, Mallory will likely never drink tea again in her life.

kolkata gary mallory ervin 15

Because this is India or Bangladesh, locals are able to enter Town Hall in large groups just so they can see teams leave a room. I can only imagine where they would gather if Brangelina entered the country.

– Flight Time, Zev, and Luke continue to escalate their level of frustration.

kolkata luke adams 9

Luke is like Jesus on a Cross–“the Roman Empire has forced tea upon me for sac religious nature!”

kolkata luke adams 12

That’s better, Luke. Try to do the “I don’t give a f–k about this papaya tea” pose.

razor ramon.jpg

Channel your inner Razor Ramon. “What? Who’s the bad cup?”

JUSTIN: Just get out of here in not last. . .or just with everybody else.

kolkata luke adams 10

Seeing how Luke is acting as if he knows his cup will be wrong, Justin may prefer the former. The latter could take a while.

kolkata tea 8

“No. This is earwax flavour.”

kolkata luke adams 13

“My heart bleeds.”

Is the air conditioning broken?

kolkata margie adams 2

Blue Margie Aura attempts to summon her magical powers of perception.

– Zev’s patience is running out as he submits his next guess.

kolkata zev glassenberg 4


kolkata zev glassenberg 5

“Nope. You can have this back and dispose it for us. Thanks.”

kolkata zev glassenberg 6

“This looks like a good spot.”

kolkata zev glassenberg 7“Assholes.”

– Margie gasps.

kolkata margie adams 3

“A smashed cup?!”

luke adams glass 2

We all know Margie will not stand for this.

kolkata cup

In Greece, smashing a cup is done for good luck. It could all be in Zev’s master plan.

But for now, Justin is ashamed.

JUSTIN: It’s not going to be much fun after this. I can tell you that much.

kolkata zev glassenberg 8

Goats and then excessive tea drinking? Just another sh-tty Roadblock for Zev.

– Commercial break. We resume.

– Margie and Big Easy express sympathy for those that remain.

kolkata luke adams 14

Something tells me this cup will not be the one.

– Zev tries once more. It’s right.

ZEV (sarcastic): Thank you.
(JUSTIN and MARGIE both cheer loudly; AUCTIONEER hands him bottle.)
ZEV (sarcastic): Thank you, sir.

kolkata zev glassenberg 9

“Congratulations! Here ya–”

kolkata zev glassenberg 10

“Oh. He’s not in a mood to talk.”

kolkata justin kanew 4

There there, Biggie.

kolkata justin kanew 5

There there, Margie.

kolkata margie adams 4

The all too familiar phrase when Luke is breaking down at a task emerges once more.

kolkata zev justin 1

“Come here, you little rascal.”

JUSTIN: Let’s get in a cab, and you can wet yourself in the cab.

kolkata zev justin 2

Zev will only be able to wear those silver pyjamas for one round? Tragic.

– It’s Fight or Flight Time for the Globetrotters. Flight Time and Big Easy both encourage Luke to keep going even with their own race on the line.

Hell, we’ll see that again in TAR 24 when Brendan & Rachel and Margie & Luke are stuck hours and hours behind everyone else at a similar task.

kolkata luke flight time

Yikes. Most of the cups are gone.

BIG EASY: Don’t stop, Luke. Keep going. Keep going.

kolkata luke adams 15

Luke defies Big Easy; he doesn’t give a crap what he has to say.

– Zev & Justin are in the cab.

JUSTIN: We don’t know how much longer it’s going to take them. We gotta keep chugging.
ZEV: Don’t say ‘chugging’.

If you do, Zev will smash a cup over your head.

– Ron & Christina are still on the road. No tea stall in sight. They decide to switch cab drivers.

kolkata taxi 1

Mainly because of this.

kolkata ron christina hsu 9


kolkata ron christina hsu 10

Who wants whiplash?

– Kisha & Jen are at the location told to them by the local.

KISHA: So they make -this- here?

kolkata kisha jen hoffman 4
JEN: Let’s get out.

Good call.

– They ask for directions on the street but have yet to open the cap.

JEN: I’m about to drink this Snapple.

“You know. . .for it’s thirst quenching and refreshing taste.”

– Jet & Cord are running around to find the tea stall. Kent & Vyxsin have fun in the cab.

KENT: We have this tea we need to deliver. Vyxsin’s has been nestling it in her bosom keeping it very safe. It’s like pillows for the tea.

Nestling it?

kolkata kent vyxsin 3

Wouldn’t that be a Nestea instead of a Snapple then?

– Kent & Vyxsin are first to the tea stall.

kolkata kent vyxsin 4

“If you find a trace amount of milk in here, ignore it.”

– It’s a Detour. Phil says this is one of the oldest civilizations in the world, and has promoted religion along with education down through the millenia.

kolkata water

And pouring buckets of water on their heads to escape the always excruciating heat.

kolkata cow

“Nobody ever pours a bucket of water on my head. Sigh.”

kolkata man

Either that’s a Bindi, or he is the first person ever to paint the flag of Japan on their forehead.

kolkata books

That looks like my closet after four years of university in the Arts program.

kolkata phil keoghan 2

The camera operator fights through the crowd to get to Phil.

kolkata phil keoghan 3

There we go.

PHIL: In this Detour, teams must decide which aspect of Indian life they would like to explore–Hindu Art or Bengali Literature.

kolkata elephant

One day you will be a Street Fighter backdrop.

dhalsim stage

Yoga Flame!

Do you want to hang out with a mythological deity?

kolkata books 2

Or a present-day college student who is wearing an anime shirt?

– In Hindu Art, teams make their way to the statuary shop. Once here, they must paint, dress, and adorn a statue of a Hindu god named Ganesha. Once their work matches the intricate design of the example, they will receive their next clue.

kolkata ganesha

I am amazed we have had a task involving Ganesha multiple times already on The Amazing Race. Wasn’t it TAR Asia or something that involved lighting up a ganesha? (Apparently it was TAR 13. Thanks, Michael.)

kolkata ganesha 2

A ganesha would have been a really good bully in high school. They could easily pick you somebody by the scruff on the back of their neck as the other guy punches him in the stomach.

kolkata band

Especially as this band could drum up a beat that sounds like “No More Mr. Nice Guy” as the teenager is being punched.

NOTE: Ganesha is the son of Shiva and Parvati.


Not this Parvati, though. Otherwise he would be half-crab rather than half-elephant.

– In Bengali Literature, teams make their way to a bookstore where they will receive eight stacks of children’s books.

kolkata bengali literature

My personal favourite is the Dr. Seuss classic “Hop on Poppadom”.

– Teams must squeeze themselves and the books into the back of a rickshaw. Then they must direct their rickshaw driver through the congested streets of Kolkata to a specific school. When they deliver the books to the head mistress, they will receive their next clue.

kolkata school

If only this round had the Double U-Turn. Something tells me this would be Big Easy’s second choice.

kolkata driver 2

Could you imagine if the Globetrotters had to do this during the 2015 Heat Wave? This would’ve been their coffin.

kolkata victoria

Wait. They are delivering children’s books to a high school and college? Let’s check out what’s going on inside.

kolkata phil keoghan 4

Either this is a Monday, or everyone was expecting A LOT more from the class that they signed up for. The lady on the right is practically asleep.

– Kent & Vyxsin go with Hindu Art.

VYXSIN: Because I’m good at crafty stuff.

kolkata kent vyxsin 5

“Like witchcraft, for instance. Burn her!”

– Gary & Mallory are talking about the tea shop then–


Yikes Scoob!

kolkata gary mallory ervin 18

It will not be much longer until everyone decides to walk to their next route marker on foot.

kolkata gary mallory ervin 19

Mallory might think she was hallucinating that near miss because of all the tea she was drinking, but I assure you that was no trip.

– Gary & Mallory leap ahead to 2nd and choose to do the Bengali Literature.

– Kisha & Jen enter a random hallway on the street to ask a man where they make the Snapple bottle.

kolkata kisha jen hoffman 5

“Excuse me sir, can you tell us where they make this?”

KISHA: Do you know where they make the Snapple?
(MAN immediately tries to open the cap.)
JEN: No.
MAN: Hmmm?

kolkata kisha jen hoffman 6

“All manufacturing addresses are under the cap. Don’t you know how India works?”

kolkata kisha jen hoffman 7

“I’m confused. You want me to tell you where a bottle of a brown liquid that you refuse to let me examine is manufactured?”

JEN (quietly): Why would anybody want to open it?

kolkata jen hoffman 3

“That guy is dumb.”

– We get to see the light bulb physically light up in Kisha’s head.

kolkata kisha jen hoffman 8

“Wait a second. Maybe he’s not, Jen.”

KISHA: Jen. Maybe it is on the top.

kolkata kisha hoffman 4

“Or maybe it is a really stupid idea. Who knows.”

kolkata kisha jen hoffman 9

Jen plays along with her sister’s silly theory.

kolkata kisha jen hoffman 10

They squint to read it, and then at the top of Jen’s lungs. . .

kolkata jen hoffman 4


kolkata jen hoffman 5

Snapple, please use this in your next commercial.

YOUNG GIRL: What do you have there, Jen?
(JEN shrugs.)
YOUNG GIRL: You don’t know? Look at it.
(JEN sees the Snapple logo on her bottle and does a double take.)

kolkata kisha jen hoffman 11

I love how this happens directly in front of two Indian men who were trying their best to help Jen out. They must be beyond confused at this point after hearing a young woman shout “SHUT THE F-CK UP” at the top of her lungs just inches away.

kolkata kisha jen hoffman 12

Jen is still huffing and puffing over wasting time with a stupid bottle cap.

– Ron & Christina are third to the tea stall. Ron opts for Hindu Art because he could get lost delivering books.

– Kisha & Jen are fourth to the stall. They go with Hindu Art too.

– We head back to Town Hall. Big Easy keeps rooting on his buddy.

kolkata flight time 8

“This bowl? Hmmmm.”

kolkata flight time 9

“Take it back please. Thank you, come again.”

kolkata flight time 10

I have not seen Flight Time be this stressed before.

kolkata luke adams 16

Luke is near his breaking point.

kolkata big easy margie

Big Easy and Margie cannot bear to look up anymore.

– Flight Time is turned away again.

BIG EASY: We’re just trying to get the one, and we’re going to get it.

kolkata snapple 2

Just one ice cold Snapple.

kolkata big easy margie 2

That’s all Big Easy wants. He doesn’t care if he has to share.

– We see Gary & Mallory enter the correct bookstore.

kolkata mallory ervin 34

“Eight bundles of Chindurella, please.”

Leave it to Mallory to choose a Detour that involves ordering children’s books.

– The book is actually “An Introduction to the Bengali Alphabet”.

kolkata mallory ervin 35

“Wait a second. . .that bitch just cut in front of us in line! We’ve been waiting for hours And now there’s no more An Introduction to the Bengali Alphabet left in stock! Screw this, guys. I’m going home.”

kolkata mallory ervin 36

I love that the book stack is so high that Mallory can protect it with her chin.

– Gary asks Mallory to find somebody who can speak English and give the directions to the driver.

kolkata mallory ervin 37

MALLORY: Can anyone speak English?

kolkata gary mallory ervin 20

“Oh! Thanks!”

kolkata crowd 6

“Thank you, um, whoever said that.”

– A teenager emerges from the crowd to give the driver the correct directions.

kolkata mallory ervin 38

Do you think he gave directions to the Victoria Institution?

kolkata van

Or to the local county jail?

GARY: I feel like a monkey in a circus parade. Don’t you?

kolkata gary mallory ervin 21

Gary could not be more amused by this.

The only thing school buses here have in common with the West is that they are still yellow. At least it matches with Gary & Mallory’s shirts!

– Jet & Cord find the tea stall.

kolkata jet cord mccoy 2

But not before passing by a guy holding up a boombox.

– Jet & Cord go with Bengali Literature.

– Zev & Justin’s driver is excited to find the tea stall. Justin says it is Zev’s day and lets him choose the task.

kolkata zev justin 5

Eenie meinie. . .

kolkata zev justin 6


And wow, Zev has a long index finger.

kolkata mohawk

This man is trying really hard to create a wooden mohawk wig.

– Zev wants to do Bengali Literature.

– Ron & Christina and Kent & Vyxsin find the site for Hindu Art.

kolkata dog 3

The streets of Kolkata becomes white noise after a while.

kolkata rakhal paul

I can’t wait for February when the next season of Rakhal Paul’s Drag Race starts up.

kolkata ron hsu 13

The dog chases Ron out of the alley.

kolkata ron hsu 12

That dog really is eager to catch up to Ron Hsu.

kolkata ron hsu 11

Ron makes barking noises the whole time, might I add.

– Kisha & Jen are at the stall now too. Guess who is stoked to decorate it pink?

kolkata vyxsin fiala

You got it.

kolkata kent vyxsin 6

“Even the pubes will be pink.”

KENT: We saw that statue making it pretty in pink much like Vyxsin and I. It was perfect for us.

kolkata kent vyxsin 7

I bet they also listen to Otis Redding songs on a repeated loop back at home.

kolkata vyxsin fiala 2

Do you even lift, ‘Nesha?

– Kisha & Jen are painting too. Apparently there is something separate from Ganesha to paint as well.

JEN: I think it’s a dog.

kolkata jen hoffman 6

I’ll go with that.

kolkata music

Here is some local music for everyone to enjoy during this monotonous task!

kolkata ron christina hsu 11

Well, maybe not everyone.

CHRISTINA: It was extremely loud. The decibel was through the roof.
RON: I have these earplugs but it’s not helping that much even though it is quite entertaining.

kolkata ron christina hsu 12

I think those are earbuds rather than earplugs, personally.

RON: The noise level is giving me a headache!

kolkata music 1

You dare insult my flute playing?!

kolkata music 2


RON: Argh. Lordy. Let’s keep it quiet.
CHRISTINA: You need to concentrate and focus.
RON: That’s easy for you to say!

kolkata christina hsu 1

“Why is that easy for me to say? I’m not. . .oh. That’s somebody else, dad.”

RON: Geez. Good grief.

charlie brown

Charlie Brown hates flutes.

– More tea is drunk.

kolkata flight time 11

There is Punch Drunk, but dare I say Flight Time is Tea Drunk?

kolkata luke adams 17

“Charmander: Return!”

ash ketchum

Luke would make a great Ash Ketchum.

– They appear to have modified this Roadblock. Neither Luke nor Flight Time have to get on stage anymore. All they have to do is show the bottom of the bowl to the tea auctioneer.

kolkata man 1

They are lucky he has good eyesight.

– Is it fair to the earlier teams that Luke and Flight Time don’t have to waste twenty seconds altogether and the expended energy anymore? I personally don’t think so, even if my legs would be burned out using Flight Time’s technique.

kolkata margie big easy

With two NELs already implemented, Margie knows this could easily be their swan song.

kolkata margie big easy 1

And this is the part where she starts to accept it.

– Flight Time is reduced down to a walk. He has a flashback to the Znarf Kefka penalty.

kolkata flashback


kolkata flashback 2

Get out.

kolkata flashback 3

Farnz didn’t work. I am out of ideas.

– Flight Time said they made an agreement to not take a penalty this season. We see him get rejected a few more times before bring a bowl onto the stage.

kolkata flight time 12

“Pssst. If you say ‘no’ I am going to ram this ceramic bowl into your f–king face.”

kolkata auctioneer

“You’ve got me there.”


kolkata margie big easy 2

Luke must love Big Easy’s celebration.

kolkata margie big easy 3

Big Easy gives the obligatory high five.

kolkata flight time 13

Even Flight Time hesitates to celebrate in front of Luke.

kolkata luke adams 18

Which is probably a good call.

– Globetrotters don’t know what their clue is when they enter the cab.

BIG EASY: Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo.

kolkata flight time big easy 1

I think Big Easy figured it out. By the way Jen, Big Easy solved a puzzle before you did.

– Remember all of those over-the-top emotional scenes we got from Margie & Luke during TAR 14?

kolkata luke adams 19

Well get ready. This is going to be a doozy.

NOTE: Whenever CBS tries to do an emotional scene, it usually comes off cheesy due to the editing and unintentionally funny. Can they succeed with making it connect with the audience or are we about to be treated to some dark comedy?

Let’s find out.

– Luke is crying on the audio as the TAR India Poverty music soundtrack plays. In fact, it is the same soundtrack that played during TAR 14 where Margie & Luke cried over the poverty they saw on the roads of Jaipur.

So yeah. Dark comedy route.

kolkata luke adams 20

“Charmander. . .return?”

kolkata auctioneer 1

“Stop bothering me! Can’t you see I am studying An Introduction to the Bengali Alphabet?”

kolkata margie adams 5

This is getting difficult for Margie.

– Luke walks over.

kolkata luke adams 21

Evidently, a common papaya mango tea side effects: Erections.

kolkata margie luke adams 1

michael scott


– Margie informs him it is not too hard and that he can finish it repeatedly as the Town Hall workers watch.

kolkata man 2

“My wife is having an affair with my next door neighbour.”

kolkata margie luke adams 2


kolkata man 3

“My wife left me after finding out I had an affair with a hot neighbour.”

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MARGIE: I just told him he could finish this and I’m not sure he can.

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kolkata luke adams 23


– Commercial break. We resume.

kolkata tea 9

Eh. There’s only five hundred more cups for Luke to drink.

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matilda entire confection

“You must drink the entire concoction!”

– Luke looks to his mom for more advice.

kolkata luke adams 26

By the way, has anyone noticed the lightning scar on Luke’s right shoulder? Kinda cool.

kolkata margie adams 7

kolkata luke adams 25

rob schneider

You can do it!

kolkata margie adams 8

“Rob Schneider told him he can do it, but I don’t think he can.”

– Oh, Luke gets rejected once more. Margie talks about the previous race.

MARGIE: In the last race, if he was at a task too long he would get really really frustrated.

kolkata luke adams 27

“Do you know what I think of your No Shirt No Pants No Service rule?”

kolkata luke adams 28


kolkata luke adams 29


– Margie says Luke feels he let her down, but she’s proud of him.

– Gary & Mallory arrive at the Victoria Institution after an awkward camera is pointed at the school van driver’s butt for the whole ride. Mallory cheers when she sees the school.

kolkata gary mallory ervin 22

You might want to get yourself checked out for a hernia, Gary.

kolkata mallory ervin 39

Mallory nearly gets her foot caught when exiting the van. Too funny.

kolkata gary mallory ervin 23

This is the only time Gary has been allowed to seek a mistress since he got married forty years ago.

– Gary & Mallory eventually find the headmistress’ office for the primary school.

kolkata headmistress

Thank goodness a lot of signs in India are in English for the racers. If India did not get colonized by the English, TAR here would be far more difficult.

GARY: We brought you some books!

kolkata gary mallory ervin 24

“Which we definitely would have voluntarily done if not forced to do so by producers of The Amazing Race!”

– Mallory cheers when she receives the clue. She reads they must go to the Fountain of Joy for their next pit stop. Phil adds that it is located at The Maidan which is Kolkata’s largest park. The Victoria Memorial Hall is also here.

kolkata lion 1

Why does that lion look so old?

kolkata phil keoghan 5

No locals gathered behind Phil in a shot for once during an India leg?

kolkata pit stop

Instead they opt to play Cricket.

– Gary wants to catch a cab but Mallory gets distracted by talking to the kids.

MALLORY: Hello! How are youuu?

kolkata mallory ervin 40

I will give that kid ten bucks if her response was “I have lice.”

– Gary & Mallory enter a cab.

– Kent & Vyxsin brag about painting eyebrows on Ganesha which look like their own.

KENT: It’s just like us getting ready in the morning.

kolkata eye

Let’s compare.

kolkata kent vyxsin 8

Not bad.

kolkata vyxsin fiala 3

Vyxsin gives him the brush because Ganesha was a carpenter.

KENT: Now it’s time to accessorize!

kolkata kent kaliber 10

I really wish Ganesha’s accessories involved a Chinese solar heating system tube.

– Kent volunteers himself to put on bracelets and armbands.

– Kisha & Jen and Ron & Christina talk about Ganesha.

KISHA: The statue looks pregnant. We’re guessing Goddess of Fertility?

kolkata kisha hoffman 5

“And the enlarged breasts too. That’s another thing for Vyxsin to motorboat this season.”

CHRISTINA: What? Do you think she’s pregnant or she’s just got a gut?

kolkata christina hsu 3

I can imagine Christina as a child going up to one of her aunts saying “am I going to have a new cousin to play with or have you just been eating as much brownies as my dad does?”

kolkata ganesha 3

Who knew someone who is part-elephant and part-man would struggle with his own personal identity.

– Oh, do you recall how Ron hates the noisy musicians?

kolkata ron hsu 15

Yeah, they troll him pretty hard.

RON: Even with these earplugs I could still hear the loud music. The rhythm is wonderful if I could just disco to it, but I can’t disco when I’m painting.

– Ron starts moving his hips as the music plays.

kolkata ron hsu 16


Seriously. I want to see what moves he has got in his repertoire.

– Jet & Cord find a different bookstore. They ask for more directions. Zev & Justin eventually get inside.

kolkata fax

Man, I really want to fax that number when I get into work tomorrow.

JUSTIN: Here are the eight bundles.
ZEV: Is there a bag?
JUSTIN: No, we got to carry them.

kolkata zev justin 8

Sorry, Zev. You guys -did- have enough money to buy two bags for the books, but instead you spent it all on your silver pyjamas.

– Justin asks who is feeling fast or who can do it fast. Needless to say he might get two different responses. He picks a driver for them.

ZEV: I don’t know about his Boston hat.

kolkata zev justin 9

It’s actually the logo for the Bombay Red Sox.

kolkata boston red sox

They play at Fenwaysharigandhiakldljengopetalon Park.

I doubt they serve hot dogs, though. Just a gut feeling.

– Zev & Justin’s school van hits a bump.

kolkata zev glassenberg 11

“Is there any danger sitting directly beneath the top of the doorway? Nah.”

kolkata zev glassenberg 12

“Dammit! I forgot sitting at the back of a school bus is far more fun in America than it is in India!”

kolkata zev glassenberg 13

That’s going to leave a mark.

kolkata zev glassenberg 14

I haven’t seen somebody bump their head like this since I saw a monkey jumping on a bed.

ZEV: Ow!
JUSTIN: I don’t think these things are seat belt equipped.
ZEV: I feel a little claustrophobic, but it’s for a good cause–delivering books to a school.

kolkata zev glassenberg 15

Boosting the child literacy rate is nothing to be sarcastic about, Zev.

– Jet & Cord find Digha Publishing House. They get directions and are off.

kolkata jet mccoy 5

Power the school van Flintstones style.

– Ready to watch Luke in misery some more? You sadistic bastard.

kolkata luke adams 30

Oh boy.

Nope. Back to my book.

kolkata luke adams 31

It should be noted that Luke has probably had to use the bathroom about four or five times by this point.

kolkata margie adams 9

Margie has no other advice to give.

kolkata luke adams 32

Luke is leaning over and. . .

kolkata luke adams 33

. . .Goes down to pray to the Tea Gods of Hinduism. I mean, Hinduism has thousands of gods and goddesses. One of them has to be assigned to tea.
Turns out there is one (sorta). Soma. Huh.

kolkata luke adams 34

Rise, my son.

kolkata man 3

“Can we go home yet?”

kolkata man 7

“Or do we have to stand here and watch them hug for an hour?”

MARGIE: You’re right. I don’t know how it feels. But listen, I know how you’ll feel if you don’t finish. I know how you’ll feel. Just finish.

kolkata margie adams 10

“Don’t be a Globetrotter.”

kolkata margie luke adams 3

Luke ponders it over.

kolkata luke adams 35

Quitting would be the Big Easy way out.

kolkata clap

“You can do it Luke!”

matilda bruce 2

matilda bruce

“You can do it Luke!”

kolkata margie adams 11

“Luke! Luke!”

kolkata luke adams 36

Luke was better off being a waiter than a taster.

kolkata luke adams 37

This is an additional modification to the task. I highly doubt anybody else was allowed to bring multiple cups to the stage beforehand.

Although the five men standing behind him may have demanded it. They cannot leave until the Town Hall has been cleaned up.

kolkata margie adams 13

Margie is muttering to herself like Snape muttering counter curses to keep Harry Potter on his broom.

kolkata luke adams 38

“Charmander. . .return. . .please?”

kolkata man 8

Still nothing.

kolkata margie adams 14

Margie is like a parent waiting for the school’s Christmas play to be over.

kolkata luke adams 39

I really wish Luke makes this face the next time he drinks Snapple in a commercial.

kolkata margie adams 15

“Tomorrow I will drink a coffee in the morning instead of tea out of respect for Luke.”

kolkata luke adams 40

“Charmander. . .return. . .at some point?”

kolkata auctioneer 2

The man is squinting!

kolkata margie adams 16


kolkata luke adams 41

“Want a closer look, asshole?”

kolkata auctioneer 3

matilda bruce 4


kolkata luke adams 42

The crowd has gone wild!

kolkata margie adams 17

Although I hope to never have to watch anything that is titled Margie Gone Wild!

kolkata luke adams 43

Hoist him up, boys! We’ve won the Super Bowl!

kolkata luke adams 44


kolkata luke adams 45

All that’s missing is a shower of papaya mango flavoured Gatorade!

kolkata margie adams 18

I have never seen Margie this happy in her entire TAR career.

kolkata margie luke adams 4

The audio is too over-the-top for this moment.

MARGIE (to the auctioneer after receiving the clue): Thank you.

kolkata margie luke adams 5

“For a job well done, I cannot think of anything that will make you happier than giving you more tea.”

kolkata margie luke adams 6

Margie probably learned each of their full names along with their family history.

– Margie individually shakes the hands of the workers in the hall.

kolkata moustache

In Kolkata, there is segregation by moustache colour. Whitey has to stand alone.

– Margie says she is proud of Luke.

kolkata margie luke adams 7

While Luke may only have elimination on his mind.

kolkata margie luke adams 8

Okay. He definitely has elimination on his mind.

– Globetrotters are seventh to the tea stall and go with Hindu Art. Yeah, Big Easy had no intention of fitting into that van.

– Kent & Vyxsin finish dressing up Ganesha and receive the clue.


Which Kent tears open like it’s his bitch!

Vyxsin demands Kent to get a move on.

kolkata kent vyxsin 9

But first, a bow.

– Kent & Vyxsin are done the Detour in 2nd. Kisha & Jen finish it in 3rd while Ron & Christina are on their heels in fourth. Margie & Luke arrive at the tea stall.

kolkata margie luke adams 9

Luke may be the first person to shiver on a dry sunny day in India.


Do you know what I just thought about? Luke has to overcome a lot of things. At the start of TAR 14, we knew he was deaf. Throughout the season, we learned he requires glasses at certain times. That means his sight is lacking as well.

Today, we learned his sense of taste does not function well either.

According to my calculations, three out of the five senses are compromised in some fashion.

This is not intended to be a joke, but rather a “wow, Luke really does have to work harder to get by than the rest of us”.

– They go with Hindu Art.

kolkata coconut

That coconut juice is going everywhere.

– Zev & Justin encourage their driver. The driver honks his horn repeatedly.

ZEV: What is that awful sound?

kolkata man 10

“That awful sound, you say?”

kolkata man 9

“I’ll honk it until we get to the school.”

kolkata zev glassenberg 16

I think he won this round, Zev.

– Zev & Justin drop off the books and receive their next clue. They hire an ideal cab driver.

kolkata driver 4

Although perhaps not ideal in Kolkata rush hour traffic.

– TAR 4 India Finishing Point music as Jet & Cord enter the primary school. They are all the same title as the other teams’ books. They duck amongst a group of school kids to read the clue.

kolkata jet cord mccoy 3

World’s Worst Game of Hide and Seek. Way to blend in, guys.

– The kids and the Cowboys say their farewell.

kolkata jet cord mccoy 4

Jet used to rule the playground with an iron fist.

– Jet & Cord snag a taxi.


Not before the guy on the left mugs for the camera.

– Flight Time & Big Easy start painting Ganesha.

– Gary & Mallory run through the park to the pit stop mat.

kolkata gary mallory ervin 25

Somebody please trip over that mound of dirt.

kolkata gary mallory ervin 26

Mallory is eager to hear the news.

kolkata phil keoghan 6

Phil pauses before delivering the good news.


kolkata gary mallory ervin 27

Which Gary & Mallory. . .

kolkata gary mallory ervin 28

. . .were not expecting.

kolkata gary mallory ervin 29

At all.

kolkata gary mallory ervin 30

Clearly, Bengali Literature was the easier Detour option.

PHIL: I am very serious.

kolkata phil keoghan 7

Phil Keoghan–Never a Jokester.

PHIL: Now you may have noticed all of the tea references on this leg of the race.

kolkata gary mallory ervin 31

“Are we getting a tea pot?”

PHIL: And there is one more tea reference.

kolkata phil keoghan 8

PHIL: I am pleased to tell you that as the winners of this leg of the race you have won being teabagged by me right now!

kolkata gary mallory ervin 22

Uh oh.

Nah, just kidding.

kolkata phil keoghan 8

PHIL: I am pleased to tell you that as the winners of this leg of the race you have won two VIP tickets to The Tea Party concert in Las Vegas!

tea party.jpg

Not Jim Morrison.

Nah, just kidding.

kolkata phil keoghan 8

PHIL: I am pleased to tell you that as the winners of this leg of the race you have each won a Teater Totter.

teatter totter

Well that’s a lame prize.

Nah, just kidding.
For real this time.

PHIL: Now you may have noticed all of the tea references on this leg of the race and the familiar bottle at the Tea Exchange.

kolkata snapple 3

Mmmmm. Papaya Mango. Luke’s favourite.

PHIL: Well that’s because Snapple created two new Limited Edition Snapple teas inspired by all of the flavours you tasted here in India.

kolkata mallory ervin 41

“Oh my gosh.”

kolkata mallory ervin 42

“For me?”

kolkata mallory ervin 43“Can I have one?”

PHIL: And since you’ve come in here in first place, you’ll be the first to try it. How is that?

kolkata phil keoghan 9

“You’ll -literally- be the first to try it. It hasn’t even passed quality control yet! This could cause you to grow an enlarged head, and you’d be the first to discover that!”

kolkata gary mallory ervin 33

Snapple does not give you wings.

kolkata gary mallory ervin 34

No matter how hard you try, Mall.

kolkata gary mallory ervin 32

Move over Nintendo 64 Kid. I think you have been dethroned by Mallory’s Snapple Face.

kolkata red

Red bottles for the women.

kolkata blue

Blue bottles for the men.

kolkata gary ervin 1

Just because Diet Snapple is low in calories does not mean it disrupts the taste!

kolkata phil keoghan 10

Hold up, bros. There’s some more good news.

kolkata gary mallory ervin 35

And no, it’s not more Snapple.

PHIL: Snapple is treating you to some of the best stuff in India. You’re going to enjoy an extraordinary Indian feast while being entertained with a special performance of a special Bollywood dance.

kolkata feast

Wow. That’s a depressing feast.

kolkata dance 2

Her dress is Papaya Mango.

kolkata dance

I could never get a nose piercing.

kolkata dance 3

“This is a new move I invented–we call it The Snapple. . .wait, this is already in the Kamasutra?”

PHIL: Plus you will receive one million. . .

kolkata gary mallory ervin 36

“If you say ‘Virgin Air Mile Points’, we’re hitting you over the head with our Snapple bottles.”

kolkata phil keoghan 11

PHIL: . . .Rupees! To share! That’s over twenty thousand US dollars!

kolkata gary mallory ervin 37

Which guarantees you are walking home with more money than the team who crosses the finish line in third place, and you don’t have to slash through weeds in Hyrule to obtain them!

MALLORY (referring to the tea): I really love it.

kolkata snapple 4

Not as much as Gary.

PHIL: This is the special Snapple Amazing Race Tea. Right?
MALLORY (hysterical): OH! OH! Our own special tea.

kolkata gary mallory ervin 38

“The Diet Snapple has aspartame. Phil you son of a bitch, I knew it was too good to be true.”

kolkata gary mallory ervin 39

Forget buying Mallory a pony, Snapple is where it’s at!

– Ron & Christina are stuck in traffic.

kolkata kongestion

Do you know what I call this?

kolkata kongestion 1

Kolkata Kongestion.

CHRISTINA: Traffic is really heavy.
RON: I got a splitting headache because of the noise and the frustration that we were among the first to get there and we lost our lead.

kolkata city

I think the guy carrying twenty layers of carpet on his head may have a headache worse than Ron’s.

– Kent &Vyxsin are idle in their cab.

KENT: We have to go very fast.
VYXSIN: He knows. He knows.

kolkata kent vyxsin 10

“I don’t understand why he doesn’t activate a star like he is in Mario Kart and drive right through the vehicles in front of him, Vyxsin!”

– Even though Vyxsin tells Kent that the driver knows where to go, Kent flings the clue in his face once more.


“What are you doing?”

kolkata kent kaliber 15

“Is this something different?”

kolkata kent kaliber 16

“No, it’s the same damn clue again.”

kolkata kent kaliber 17

“I say good day.”

Way to keep his eyes off the road, Kent.

– Kisha is nervous sitting in traffic. Zev & Justin’s taxi is turned off because of how bad the traffic is.

kolkata zev justin 11

My sister had to do the same thing when we used to wait in the Dairy Queen Drive-Thru because of how fast her car would overheat. I can only imagine how a Nissan Micra would handle Kolkata traffic.

kolkata india

India is great, by the way.

CORD: India is great.
JET: India -is- great.

kolkata jet cord mccoy 7

“Especially with all of their cattle on the road. It’s like a never ending supply of beef patties.”

kolkata flight time 14

Flight Time is starting to paint himself as a Ganesha, or the Ganesha just needed a good release.

– Margie & Luke join the Globetrotters at Hindu Art.

kolkata luke adams 47

After four hours of tea tasting, Luke is not feeling too well.

kolkata luke adams 46

Luke’s sinuses are messed up permanently.

kolkata big easy 4

Big Easy is terrified.

kolkata margie luke adams 10

Because this round is not a foregone conclusion.

MARGIE: It’s some kind of funky elephant.

kolkata ganesha 4

Not impressed.

– The band keeps playing. We are watching paint dry as the most exciting part of the episode. The Globetrotters are literally seconds away from finishing the task when. . .

kolkata flight time 15

NATE: Herb. . .
HERB: Oh hell no.

kolkata bucket

Oh clumsy Herb tipped over the bucket. It can’t be that bad though, right?

NATE: You kicked the bucket! It’s leaking all over dog.

kolkata bucket 2

Oh yeah. Nate’s dog kicked over the bucket as it leaks all over elephant.

kolkata bucket 3

And just like that, Margie & Luke are back in it. Flight Time needs to tip over three or four more buckets, and the tide shall turn.

– Commercial break. We resume.

kolkata coconut 2

Coconut Guy still doing his thing.

kolkata big easy 5

Meanwhile, Big Easy is ready to slam dunk Flight Time’s head into a bucket of paint.

– Margie says Luke could still beat the Globetrotters.

– Justin hands his driver an extra twenty Rupees to go faster.

kolkata driver 5

“Note to self: Always drive slow at the beginning of a fare to receive financial motivation from rich American tourist.”

kolkata driver 6

“Another note to self: Get my tongue condition resolved.”

– Zev & Justin, Jet & Cord, and Ron & Christina’s cabs pull over simultaneously. Everyone is yelling “stop stop stop” as a man stands behind Ron & Christina also shouting “stop stop stop”.

kolkata ron christina hsu 13

He just wants to be in on the fun.

– Jet & Cord, Ron & Christina, and Zev & Justin all step onto the mat seconds apart.

kolkata pit stop 2

Why are Justin and Christina wearing green shirts listing cities that neither of them are associated with?

kolkata phil keoghan 12

“This is Burkina Faso all over again.”

PHIL: You are teams two, three, and four!

kolkata phil keoghan 13

“And I have been experiencing a huge sugar rush from all of this Snapple I have been drinking over the past hour!”


kolkata celebration

They are likely celebrating that this is not a Super Leg for once.

kolkata pit stop 3

Pssst. Christina. Stop crushing your dad.

– Kent & Vyxsin are trying to cross the street to get into the park.

kolkata kent vyxsin 11


kolkata kent vyxsin 12

Don’t become a professional Frogger player.

– The other three teams at the mat are too busy making a toast to the race.

kolkata snapple 5Look how happy they are drinking Snapple together. This makes me want to quit what I am doing and run to the corner store to grab a papaya mango Snapple right this second.

And if the store doesn’t have this flavour, I am going to lose my f–king mind. I want oto be as happy as the racers are in that moment! I want to -drink- like an Amazing Racer! It is all I have ever wanted in my entire life.

kolkata kent vyxsin 13

Kent & Vyxsin are required to drink one of the papaya mango flavours, but something tells me Vyxsin will screw it up and they’ll be drinking the alternative limonade flavour.