Sixth episode
—
“Luke and Mallory Are Being TEAsed, and We Are Laughing At Them!”
(Episode blog #266)
COUNTRIES VISITED
—-
AUSTRALIA – JAPAN – CHINA – INDIA – AUSTRIA – LIECHTENSTEIN – SWITZERLAND – BRAZIL – UNITED STATES
Previously on TAR: Nine teams continued racing from Lijiang to Kunming. A second leg in China took its toll on the teams (but not on the production budget).
Dating Goths Kent & Vyxsin started the leg facing a penalty, and lied about it to the other teams.
At the Double U-Turn, Kent & Vyxsin seized an opportunity and forced Jaime & Cara to pay it forward.
Gary & Mallory used the Express Pass they won in the first leg, but Cowboys Jet & Cord came out on top.
A final showdown at a prehistoric Roadblock had Kent & Vyxsin and the Globetrotters surviving. And Jaime & Cara falling short.
PHIL: I am sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated.
“Thanks, Phil.”
Eight teams remain; who will be eliminated next?
NUMBER OF TIMES MENTIONED IN THE ‘PREVIOUSLY ON TAR’ SEGMENT
—
AMANDA & KRIS 2
MEL & MIKE 2
GARY & MALLORY 2
JAIME & CARA: 2
KENT & VYXSIN: 2
JET & CORD 1
RON & CHRISTINA 1
ZEV & JUSTIN 1
MARGIE & LUKE: 1
FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY: 1
NOTE: I just finished reading Jaime & Cara’s post-race interviews about how much time they lost thanks to their cab driver stopping for gas. You know what annoys me about this? It’s not even the worst case of a cabbie stopping for gas that I have ever seen.
You thought you had it bad, Jaime & Cara?
What about Niroo & Kapil’s taxi driver who stopped for gas at the end of the premiere of TAR Asia 3, and ended up wasting more time because he didn’t park close enough for the hose to reach his tank?
Now that is brutal. I feel I needed to point that out.
– Intro time. This is our last chance to take a breather before we get to what was billed in last week’s preview as the “Margie & Luke episode”.
Is that Howard from TAR Asia (1) in the intro? Huh. Interesting.
– OK. Let’s dive in.
– Phil introduces us to Kunming.
PHIL: This growing metropolis was established in the 12th century as a trading post. It is Mandarin for “Another F-cking City to Visit in China”.
Nah, just kidding. But I was close.
PHIL: This is Kunming, China. A significant trading centre since the time of the Silk Road. At the edge of the city: Green Lake Park. An oasis in the midst of this bustling city. This three hundred year old park was the fifth pit stop in a race around the world.
They traded food. Why do you think Ron settled down in China for several years?
– Jet & Cord, who arrived at an unspecified time, will depart first at 2:14pm.
Jean pants and jean shirt? Isn’t that a little excessive, Cord?
JET: It’s Tea Time.
– Phil says teams must head to Jin Fu Yi Zhan Tea Shop where they’ll take part in a traditional tea tasting.
If my knowledge of Mandarin is correct from Survivor: China, ‘Zhan’ either means ‘yellow’ or ‘tiger’.
PHIL: What they don’t know is that the papaya and mango infused tea they’ll be drinking will appear in a challenge later on in the leg.
Teams have to remember a papaya and mango concoction later on in the round?
Oh, and of course the secret ingredient. . .
This guy’s urine. You know, to complete the infusion.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but other than final memory challenges, production has never surprised teams by doing a task that relies on you to remember something earlier on in the round without telling you beforehand.
I would include the Stairs task from the TAR 13 premiere, but the twist was contained within the same challenge.
“I can remember a hot-tea no matter how much time has passed. Ohohohohoho.”
Ew. Palaeontologists are the worst.
– Once teams have completed the tasting, they will receive a brick of tea and their next clue.
Of course, this brick of tea is appropriate given teams will be sh–ting bricks from the tainted tea consumption shortly after completing this task. Rather than, you know, as my friend Michael stated, a brick of cocaine.
– Jet & Cord don’t mind and run off the mat.
After counting cash beforehand, of course.
– Jet talks about his family making as much of a sacrifice as he is running the race. His wife is taking care of his two year old and the ranch. Jet adds Cord is doing the same thing (Cord’s wife is taking care of Jet’s two year old and his two year old too?).
– Gary & Mallory open the clue at 2:16pm. Mallory reads the clue saying “it’s tea time” in the voice of a British woman.
MALLORY: Are we staying in China???? Noooooooooooo.
Oh noes.
It’s okay, Mallory. This is only your third round doing a task here. You’ll get used to this. And you thought you had been able to avoid the Dark Ages of TAR.
-Another- round in Kunming? That’s a bunch of bull, the racers say.
NOTE: Since TAR 14, this marks the ninth round in a five season span to have a task in China.
– Mallory’s spirits are lifted, though.
MALLORY: We’re gonna go taste some tea. I used to have tea parties all the time when I was little so I know a lot about tea.
Awe.
Fond childhood memories. ❤
– Gary’s face is hilarious.
Round 5: A Detour involving playing with dolls.
Round 6: Tasting tea for the sole purpose of a gigantic tea party later on in the leg.
With that being said, do you think the race has been designed for a 50-year-old man who runs marathons and wanted a son or a 20-something-year-old former beauty pageant contestant?
– Margie & Luke depart third at 2:48pm.
“Head to the Jin Fu Yi Zhan Tea Shop in Kunming–”
“I don’t wanna!”
Kunming Tourism Board has some Unfinished Business with CBS.
You know nobody wants to visit your city when they are quoting Jack Bauer.
Margie & Luke and Kisha & Jen feel more trapped in China than a dove in a cage. It truly is China Rush for them. Six of their past ten rounds of TAR have had a minimum of one task in China. That’s ridiculous.
“You guys are delusional! Staying in the same country for your whole life is a great way to explore the world!”
– Luke whines some more as Margie finishes reading the clue.
Nike sponsoured this atrocity.
– Jet & Cord arrive at the street where the tea shop is supposed to be. They walk around.
JET: But nothin’s in English.
That’s in English.
– Gary & Mallory are running as they enter a cluster of tea shops. They see the sign for the route marker.
Which is also in English.
Editors fail to address the elephant in the room.
And hey, what happened to that elephant’s trunk? Did it snort too much crack and have a part of it collapse?
– Gary & Mallory prepare for tea time.
Mallory is excited; Gary is not.
– It’s time to drink.
Holding a cup with chopsticks? I am impressed.
Gary reluctantly sticks his pinky out like Mallory.
MALLORY: Peach.
Almost, Mallory. Something tells me they don’t have papayas and mangos in Kentucky. Peach is the closest thing they would grow.
– The Teamaster pours some more for them.
He must be lonely. If I were him, I would keep pouring tea over and over and over again until one of them says something.
MALLORY: Oh. More.
“We have to drink more of this crap?”
“Yay! More tea!”
– Jet & Cord enter the tea house and see Gary & Mallory.
JET: Gary and Mallory!
. . .Put your game face on, Mall.
MALLORY: HOWDY!
She sure likes that tea.
MALLORY (female British voice again): Sit and have some tea with us!
“It’ll get ya drunk!”
“But seriously, you can sit with us.”
“Lone Rangers finally have some friends!”
“Haha, just kidding. We’ve gotta go. Suckers!”
JET: How’s the tea?
“Too good.”
– Mallory informs them the flavour is peach as she leaves. Jet & Cord sit down.
CORD: Do we have to take our hats off for this?
(Cheesy sound effect plays.)
“Get it? Because we’re Cowboys, and Cowboys never take their hats off unless it is absolutely required.”
– Gary & Mallory read the clue.
MALLORY: Fly to. . .India?
I don’t know if Mallory is REALLY excited about going to India or if that is her really offensive impression of a Chinese person.
She is. . .excited.
– Phil says teams will fly 900 miles to one of the most populous urban areas in the world–Kolkata, India. During TAR 12, Phil said it has the same population of LA but in one-tenth of the space. When they arrive, they must make their way to Town Hall where they will find their next clue.
– Why are they going to Kolkata, anyway?
It’s not like it has s-it to do with the tea in China, as Obie Trice would say.
Tea Horse Route?
It’s not Tea Horse Route, producers. It is Tea Horse ROAD. God, you guys are idiots. Do you even Wiki your clues before typing them out?
It is interesting the tea link started with Kunming/Yunnan province and ended in Kolkata.
I find it fascinating that Jeff Fuchs, the Canadian adult film star (not American), was the first to travel on the Tea Horse Road.
You want to play with Jeff, ladies? He’ll fuch you up.
Wait a second. Why is there a note telling teams that Town Hall is near the High Court? Isn’t that a pretty big hint? Oh, and I’d love to see teams use their brick of tea as carry-on for the flight.
They might need the hint because there is no signage for the Town Hall.
And the building is hard to miss.
– Mallory plays with the brick of tea and hops back to their cab. She could not be more excited.
– Jet & Cord are stuck inside with their tea.
JET: Cheers to us.
Only the Cowboys would dedicate a toast to themselves.
“I would rather drink gravy than peach tea, Jet.”
– Kisha & Jen start the round in fourth at 3:43pm.
JEN: We’re going to a Chinese tea shop so (gritted teeth) we are -not out of China-.
I love it. Three out of four teams are already talking about how much they hate being stuck in China.
Kisha doesn’t mind, though.
– Kent & Vyxsin’s Five Alive begin the round at 3:52pm. Remaining in China does not freak them out, surprisingly.
They went all out today.
– Globetrotters begin at 3:59pm.
BIG EASY: We’re still in China?
Make that four out of six.
– Margie & Luke drink the “peach” tea.
You love tea, Luke? If you’re lucky, tomorrow you will have a chance to drink all of the tea you could ever dream of.
NOTE: Margie & Luke opened the clue to initially read they were going to another country. Unfortunately, it only led to more cursing as they went to yet another country they had already visited in TAR 14. The scene was edited out.
– Ron & Christina start in seventh at 4:09pm. They say nothing as Ron is huffing and puffing as if he drank some hot tea.
– Zev & Justin bring up the rear at 4:10pm.
JUSTIN: Are you kidding me?
ZEV: More China?
JUSTIN: More China?! Get us out of here!
Have you never made it to the midway point of a season of TAR before, Justin? This is when locations tend to repeat more than any other point during the season!
Zev & Justin: The first team to quit The Amazing Race by fleeing for the Vietnamese border on foot just so they could get out of China.
And why is Zev wearing 70s astronaut themed clothing?
JUSTIN: Leaving in last place, and we needed a pick me up. I think the silver pyjamas are just that.
“Which both of us agreed to wear together but. . .but. . .but. . .I have a cold.”
– Kisha & Jen, Kent & Vyxsin, and the Globetrotters drink tea.
FLIGHT TIME: Delicious.
“I have major gas. . .but delicious!”
– Ron & Christina drink the tea as well as speak Chinese.
Isn’t this a bit unfair for producers to allow a guy involved with a task to help out Ron & Christina for another challenge down the road? I mean, I like Ron & Christina pretty much the most out of this whole cast, but I may even have to call foul here.
CHRISTINA: Oh! It’s Papaya Mango Tea!
“It’s Papaya Mango Tea! Something we would not have known if we had not spoken to him in Chinese to find out!”
Ron’s mind is blown.
ZEV: Cheers!
JUSTIN: Cheers buddy! Nice pyjamas!
ZEV: Thanks dude!
Zev looks like he is ready for a servant to bring him breakfast in bed.
ZEV: Euh. I have no clue what this tastes like.
Ancient Chinese secret, Zev.
– Zev & Justin shake her hand.
ZEV: Well, that was pointless.
That could apply to almost anything you do on The Amazing Race, really. You’re not going to find some life-defining purpose on the bottom of a Travelocity gnome or a Double U-Turn board, Zev.
You will find meaning in that handshake though, Zev. It builds character.
– They get into a cab which means everyone is on their way to the airport and–
Oh, it’s boarding.
Oh it’s gone.
Staff was busy as a bee! Who still spells it as ‘Calcutta’, by the way?
WHO HAS THE MAJOR ADVANTAGE IN INDIA?: Ron & Christina (Mumbai); Margie & Luke (Jaipur); Kisha & Jen (Jaipur).
WHO HAS THE SLIGHT ADVANTAGE IN INDIA?: Kent & Vyxsin (they were eliminated in Mumbai).
This is the Tea Horse Road from start to finish.
– The flight lands and Mallory screams as all of the teams run together out of the airport.
Mallory is finding this experience rather frightening. Zev is still wearing his silver pyjamas.
Flight Time has the opportunity to trip Vyxsin the same way he tripped Sam & Dan, but decides against it.
You might be thinking “Did producers tell Kolkata locals about TAR’s arrival at the airport beforehand”, but I can assure you the crowds are always this curious during India and Bangladesh legs.
Justin accurately describes this crowd.
“I thought this was the lineup to see Slumdog Millionaire 2. I am -very- disappointed.”
– Mallory screams some more at the top of her lungs.
Did Zev secretly threaten to kill Mallory while they were on the plane? Jesus.
– Mallory has an announcement to make.
“We love you too. 😉 ”
Oh god. How did he get here all the way from Mumbai?
This is unreal.
– Mallory calls to everyone else where the taxis are currently lined up.
– Globetrotters are first out of the parking lot. Gary & Mallory are second.
MALLORY: I have never seen that many people in my whole life.
MALLORY: OH.
MALLORY: MY.
MALLORY: GOSH.
Tell me all about how Mallory is losing her mind.
JUSTIN: Kolkata is insane.
ZEV: It’s Kolkrazy.
– Ron is blown away by the number of people for a midnight flight.
“We were so squished that the other person sitting beside me squished the cookies I had in my coat pocket!”
– The Globetrotters tell their driver they want to be first everywhere they go.
The taxi driver thinks the others are Flight Time & Big Easy’s friends?
BIG EASY: NO! NO! We’re trying to beat them!
“WE HATE ALL OF THEM! THEY ALL SUCK AND ARE RUDE TO US!”
– Gary is finding the taxi ride uncomfortable.
I wonder what Gary prefers?
The taxi or a Norwegian harness?
MALLORY: Very very very fast, please.
(JET & CORD’s taxi passes them.)
“We told our driver to go very very very VERY fast. That made the difference.”
And here comes the pass.
“SUCK MY PEACH, MALL!”
There is only so much you can do on The Amazing Race.
– Jet & Cord’s cab is in the process of passing the Globetrotters.
Flight Time acknowledges what is going to happen. I doubt it will matter since most Town Halls are not open past one o’ clock in the morning.
– Cord makes fun of how oversized the Globetrotters are in the taxi.
Actually, they are not ridiculously oversized for once. Furthermore, Cord’s impression looks more like a Harlem Hawking rather than a Harlem Globetrotter.
Which is fitting since the Globetrotters and Stephen Hawking are the two greatest minds when it comes to quantum physics.
BIG EASY: They’re not our friends.
FLIGHT TIME: We want to beat them.
Which will be proven soon.
Margie & Luke are nearly run over by a train. How the hell does that happen on a road in India?
“That doesn’t happen in Colorado. . .unless you drive in rural areas when the stoners try their luck during the night.”
JUSTIN: Red light. Take it easy! Doesn’t mean anything to Babo.
“Red light? Pfffft.”
“They are nothing more than a mere suggestion rather than an actual rule.”
“Maybe we should’ve had a third full length round in China.”
Where are the lines for lanes on the road?
RON: I can hear the Cowboys screeching ‘ya yahoo’.
Christina is either responding to the insane driving or Ron’s insanely bad cowboy impression. Now that would have been an interesting spaghetti western.
NOTE: A spaghetti Western is where you watch a film about cowboys while Ron eats spaghetti the whole time.
– Ron’s impression is interrupted because lots of tire screeching occurs and. . .
Eeeeeek.
Oh hai. Didn’t see ya there.
That moment when you realize. . .
You were nearly Shana & Jennifer’d.
RON: That was. . .that was close.
Editors are always teasing us. There has to be one time where one team gets absolutely pulverized by another vehicle like it’s a freakin’ action film, and are run off the f–king road.
.
.
.
On second thought, I don’t want to give CBS any ideas to help boost ratings for TAR 28.
.
.
.
Oh, it’s Social Media Stars? Nevermind then.
– Globetrotters and Zev arrive at Town Hall.
Of course. It feels like most India legs have teams arriving at night, and follow it up by making everybody camp outside of the first route marker.
NOTE: This will end after TAR 27, though. The only night leg of the season was in India, and Tiffany & Krista were in harm’s way for a couple of the tasks.
“Can we hop the fence and break in to grab the clue?”
– Kent & Vyxsin, Kisha & Jen, Zev & Justin, and the Harlem Globetrotters all see the sign and begin settling down.
VYXSIN: There’s a lot of us.
Yes. Be careful of what the other teams might do during the night.
– Which takes us perfectly into this scene. Ron & Christina, Margie & Luke, Jet & Cord, and Gary & Mallory have shown up.
MALLORY: There they are.
“Are we missing something? Why are they all lying down?”
– The remaining four teams exit the cab.
BIG EASY: RUN! RUN! RUN! RUN!
MALLORY: Where?! Where?!
Mallory nearly trips over Gary’s foot in the excitement.
BIG EASY: Sign in! Sign in!
EVERYONE ELSE: Go! Go!
“The sign-in sheet is in Mumbai?! And we have to run there?!”
Even Luke is getting in on the panic.
Jen is finding this to be so hilarious that she can’t help but jump five feet in the air.
Ron & Christina attempt to run past Margie.
BIG EASY: KEEP GOING! GO! GO! GO! AT THE END OF THE ROCK!
FLIGHT TIME: SIGN IN! SIGN IN!
Luke may need to elbow Mallory if things get intense.
Jet & Cord are FOLLOWING. Again, they ain’t no Lone Rangers.
How far are they running?
Well, it’s better to have a goofy scene like this at night in India rather than a “omg the poverty omg we appreciate things so much more at home now”.
KENT (in the most sarcastic voice I have ever heard in my life): You guys are pranksters.
Next Time on TAR: Flight Time & Big Easy discreetly place a whoopee cushion on Justin’s seat during their next flight.
MALLORY: Big Easy! Big Easy! Where is it?
Mallory is like a two year old who was told by her older brother there was a plate full of cookies in the other room.
BIG EASY: Look at Mall! Look at Mall!
Sorry Big Easy, but good luck trying to hide behind anybody in this cast. Something tells me Mallory will have an easy time finding you.
Big Easy ends the joke.
The trailing teams return to be humiliated.
MALLORY: I hate y’all!
This is the closest to a hateful facial expression Mallory has ever possessed in her life.
MALLORY: I hate every one of you!
She hates Zev.
She hates Big Easy.
Big Easy covers up after the first strike. Now it’s Kisha’s turn.
Blocked by Kisha.
Mallory goes for a single leg takedown on Jen.
MALLORY: OH MY GOD! We’re like a pack of dogs!
I love how this scene involved eight people being fooled, but Mallory gets all of the attention because she most resembles child-like naiveté.
– Considering Flight Time & Big Easy’s usual prank as Harlem Globetrotters involves pulling down the opposing team’s pants, something tells me a joke like that with Mallory wouldn’t fly over too well with Gary.
– The sun emerges in Kolkata.
Traffic has died down just a tad.
Teams appear to have their own private chef, and Margie is. . .uh. . .
– Gary & Mallory get the obligatory “omg they live in poverty omg we’re so lucky” confessional. They got it during one of the Ghana legs in TAR 17 as well.
I thought everyone had a pre-arranged agreement that -nobody- would mention the poverty or use the words ‘appreciative’ and ‘thankful’ in a confessional. You backed out, Gary & Mall!
GARY: People were sleeping right where they are now cooking.
Which is Ron’s ultimate goal in life. Sleep and eat without having to move!
MALLORY: I think the race is all about living like the people live, and moving like the people move, and I think this is a tough place to survive in which means we’re in for a tough leg.
“Oh, and the race is all about unicorns too.”
Are they trimming each other’s moustaches?
Everyone looks tired and bored. I doubt anyone got any sleep last night. Luke and Kent both look exhausted.
– It’s 10:00am.
No tomfoolery today–this is the real deal.
Well this is confusing.
ROADBLOCK HINT: Who is ready to drink in the scenery?
PHIL: Kolkata has always been the point where Chinese tea and Indian tea left for China. Now in this place where flavours have been traded for centuries, teams will now have their powers of perception to the extreme.
Give me a T!
Give me. . .more tea.
– Teams will participate in the ancient Indian art of tea tasting which takes years to master. They will take one papaya and one mango (native Indian fruits), and their brick of tea and bring them to the tea auctioneer.
A tea auctioneer? Now that’s an occupation you don’t hear of in the West.
– After the auctioneer infuses the flavours, team members must find the same tea they tasted at the shop in China amongst hundreds of cups filled with a vast array of flavours.
Papaya and mango? It doesn’t sound very “taste tea” to me.
When they do, they will receive a bottle of Iced Tea from the Tea Auctioneer with a clue under the cap.
You mean the next clue is under his Raiders hat?
Oh.
That’s what Phil meant.
– Everyone heads over to the papaya and mango station.
Which is well decorated, might I add.
– Kisha, Luke, and Kent enter the room.
KENT: Good. . .god.
I have a question.
What if I decided to be an asshole, and drank the correct flavour but refused to say anything repeatedly? I drink every papaya and mango tea on the table except for the last one, thus ensuring nobody else is able to advance beyond this task.
Would that be legal?
Mallory has already named her two companions–Pappy and Manny.
Drop that beat.
That’s just a wooden pole.
KENT: I bring you papaya and I bring you mango.
. . .Your Grace.
– Flight Time places the fruit in the basket.
FLIGHT TIME: Here you go, homie. That’s all you.
Flight Time is trying really hard to make up for lost years of not being the class clown in elementary school.
Margie is bored already. Get used to that spot, Margie. You’ll be there for a while.
– Everyone comments on the insane quantitea before them.
Why are they wasting time figuring out where to start? Just start on one end and work your way through it.
– You know who might struggle?
The one who thinks she is searching for a peach flavour.
– Kisha is trying to remember if it was light or a dark colour.
I have a feeling most of these flavours are not going to taste like the bottom of a cereal bowl.
Mallory agrees.
– Ron & Christina speak Mandarin to one another.
While Ron must love doing any Roadblock task involving taste, this might be more of a challenge because instead of it being a straight up ‘drink or eat X amount of this’, it is all about recalling the flavour.
Most middle-aged men don’t spend the time to savour any food or drink, if I recall correctly.
RON: Seeing this big long table that must have had at least a thousand cups, I said I’ll work by process of elimination. I just try to see if I could smell or look at the colour.
Smells like blue.
RON: And the wafe of the mango did come through.
Tastes like. . .
MANGO! I WANT EVERY LAST DROP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The production crew is having a really tough time staying out o the shot this season.
– Ron delivers his first cup to the tea auctioneer.
I presume there is a number under each teacup.
– Ron is miraculously correct on the very first cup. How the hell did he do that?
“Who did you bribe in City Hall?”
Miyagi knows his Asian teas. Damn.
This is just like TAR 12 all over again. Nobody thinks Ron & Christina are contenders until we get halfway into the season. Awesome.
JEN: He got it already?
“He probably knows exactly what type of deodorant I am wearing.”
– Ron receives his next clue.
In the form of an ice cold unbranded mystery drink!
Everyone else lines up with their first cup. Kisha is looking at the bottom for a hint.
– Ron is stumped.
RON: How do I find the clue? Do I have to drink this stuff and then it‘s inside?
Check out the bottom? Nope.
Check out the bottom again? Nope. Still not it.
Bingo.
The print is too small which means Christina has to grab the cap and read the clue.
Wait a second! Ron used it as a diversion to take a sip of the unlabelled tea bottle! That’s awfully brave of you, Ron. You don’t know what’s in that drink.
– Christina reads that teams must make their way to the Jorasanko area and find the Tiwari Tea Stall.
Ron leans in closer because he does not believe there are more tea tasks in this leg.
There’s a bunch of people at a tea stall–they’re short and stout.
How can a hotel fit in that tea shop?!
CHRISTINA: Daddy, you were first. You were aweso–
RON: Let’s keep the lead.
Yeah. Don’t pull a Christina and choke near the end of the leg with first place in sight.
– Kisha knew what the colour was, but four hundred of the cups are the same colour. Needless to say this will be time consuming. Big Easy is on the audio shouting detail and to drink as much tea as possible.
– Ron & Christina are outside hailing a cab.
“Hi, we need to go to the location listed on this bottle cap. Why are you giving me a weird look? Just go where the bottle cap tells you to go, bitch!”
?
“Did someone summon me?”
RON: He knows where it is?
CHRISTINA: Yeah.
RON: He better. You don’t screw us.
I love how Ron glares at the sound guy as if it is a warning for producers too. Don’t you dare cross Miyagi.
– We go back inside. The tempo of the music picks up. Flight Time drinks more tea, and shakes his upper body out as he makes a DMX-like grunt.
You mean most after parties for the Harlem Globetrotters doesn’t involve drinking copious amounts of tea?
– Big Easy praises Flight Time for drinking three cups then bring up one to be judged.
It will take less time for the Globetrotters to drink a thousand cups of mango tea than it would to unscramble the word ‘mango’.
– Zev appears helpless.
The Moustaches are insulted Zev is hesitant to drink their tea.
JUSTIN: You got this Zevvy! Think of it as Tea Pong. . .He’s good at beer pong.
“Maybe we can play 3-on-3 Street Pong with the Globetrotters at the next bunching at a train station!”
Zev is good at beer pong? Please teach me Zev because I -suck- at beer pong. It took me sixteen or seventeen shots before I landed my first ball in a cup.
– Zev had no clue what the tea tasted like. He just started drinking and hope he gets lucky. Kent is getting rejected too.
Is this happening?
Could Mallory be the first to puke out tea on The Amazing Race? What happens if she accidentally pukes into a bunch of cups on the table?
Or producers might get lucky as she vomits it on her shirt instead, possibly.
– Let’s check in with Luke.
Eh, I’m sure you will get the hang of it. Science and Social Studies? Now that’s tough.
– Jet changes his strategy after the sixth or seventh cup as he begins to copy the Ron Hsu Sniff Strategy.
Best case scenario: It’s correct.
Worst case scenario: He has a new spittin’ cup.
I have heard of rock stars suffering from depression. . .
But this is ridiculous.
This is the worst gig ever.
– Jet waits for approval from the auctioneer. It’s correct.
“Smell my armpit, Flight Time!”
Jet’s armpits likely smell as bad as the tea, according to Mallory.
– The auctioneer presents the unlabelled bottle.
JET (excited): Oh! Snapple!
Dang. That does look like a Snapple bottle.
19TH CENTURY COWBOY VOICEOVER: For centuries, cowboys from the West and Indians from the East have practiced the long and righteous tradition of exchanging gifts. Nothing expresses hospitality quite like a mango flavoured Snapple.
Snapple. Bringing Cowboys and Indians together in harmony for generations.
– Jet & Cord run out with their Snapple bottle.
Jet pulls out the shades. It’s on now.
These clues are very specific this round.
– The remaining teams are suffering.
JEN: At one point are your taste buds going to taste like tea?
Maybe after about two or three litres of tea. I am curious if that is how much they have drank.
If you can overdose on water, I wonder how much tea you would have to drink before your life is at risk?
Because Mallory feels like she is getting close to that point.
– Flight Time looks like an eager child as he waits for his tea to approved.
But he will be rejected.
– Kisha brings up a cup for judgment.
‘Tis good. Kisha’s trademarked laugh emerges and is hyper extended.
KISHA’S LAUGH COUNT: 8
Mallory still hasn’t gotten used to it.
– There is a subtle moment where Kent stumbles when trying to climb onto the stage as Kisha receives her clue.
Are you okay, Kent?
He nearly rolls onto his stomach, but braces himself at the last second. Even Luke glances over to make sure Kent is not in danger. Perhaps he should take the stairs like everyone else.
– It is a good thing Jen didn’t drink all of this tea. Kisha might do a better job of holding it leading up to the pit stop.
– Kisha & Jen are in the hallway debating what the clue could be.
KISHA: That’s is our clue. I don’t know what that means.
JEN: What’chu mean that’s our clue?
KISHA: This is our clue. Maybe it’s where they make the Snapples? Is there a Snapple Factory here?
JEN (squealing): I don’t know.
Yes, Jen. Kisha is right. Everything really is outsourced these days.
– Jet & Cord have yet to find a cab. They compliment a taxi’s horn.
But they heard it at a grave cost.
– Kisha & Jen ask their taxi driver where they make Snapple.
You know, the national drink of India?
They proceed to ask a random guy on the street. Good luck, guys. You’re going to need it.
Jesus. Wow. Sometimes The Amazing Race really is about having things go your way.
– Jet & Cord find a driver who knows where to go.
He gives himself a pat on the back for a job well done.
– After Kent’s next rejection, he starts tearing up.
KENT: I’ve drunk so much tea, but for some reason none of them are the right one. I don’t get it.
And there’s so much more to be drunk.
Wait, why are we talking like T-Pain?
– Mallory prays to Jesus to give her the answer. Flight Time makes a vomity sound as the tea dribbles down his shirt.
That’s no Photoshop. That outline you see from his lips down to his neck is all tea dripping. Flight Time is making it look like freakin’ Gatorade.
Margie becomes concerned.
Primarily because Luke is preparing to throw in the tea towel.
JUSTIN: C’mon Zev! That’s the one!
Not the one.
JUSTIN: Zev is wearing his Tea Drinking Pyjamas. It doesn’t seem to be working.
Must go to happy place.
– Kent presents a cup declaring it is the right one.
KENT: Please give me clue.
KENT: Where?
“Oh? The Depressed Man’s guitar?”
“That cooler over there?”
– Kent must have figured it out because him and Vyxsin exit the building as Kent demands to have his bag.
Geez. At least wait until you’re out of the room, Kent.
– With only four teams left, Mallory starts to panic.
Now is -not- the time to steam your face, Mall!
– Luke asks a philosophical question.
Finally. Luke gets his first confessional since episode two.
ZEV: I’ve dranken the same one about seven times. They all look the same now.
Knowing Zev, he probably said “they all look the same now. . .just like the Japanese”, but editors did him a favour by clipping the last part of his statement.
Mallory sniffs one more.
Tastes like. . .
“Peach? I think this might be the one?”
I think she might have it.
Quick cross on her chest to ensure Jesus can verify the flavour.
Remember Mall, Luke and Zev are getting frustrated. If you’re right, you will want to keep your celebration to a minimum until you leave the building.
Eh, f–k it. It’s all you, Mall!
MARGIE: She got it! She -knew- it! -Good job-, Mall!
Heh. Margie praises her like a second grade school teacher. Hilarious.
Although I can understand why.
– Mallory makes some weird revving engine sound as she frantically claps her hands repeatedly.
“I don’t know what’s in this tea but I am WIRED!”
– The audio can barely pick up her saying a bunch of things under her breath. I think she says ‘goodness gracious’ at one point.
Much like how Survivor contestants quit eating coconut after their stint on the show, Mallory will likely never drink tea again in her life.
Because this is India or Bangladesh, locals are able to enter Town Hall in large groups just so they can see teams leave a room. I can only imagine where they would gather if Brangelina entered the country.
– Flight Time, Zev, and Luke continue to escalate their level of frustration.
Luke is like Jesus on a Cross–“the Roman Empire has forced tea upon me for sac religious nature!”
That’s better, Luke. Try to do the “I don’t give a f–k about this papaya tea” pose.
Channel your inner Razor Ramon. “What? Who’s the bad cup?”
JUSTIN: Just get out of here in not last. . .or just with everybody else.
Seeing how Luke is acting as if he knows his cup will be wrong, Justin may prefer the former. The latter could take a while.
“No. This is earwax flavour.”
“My heart bleeds.”
Is the air conditioning broken?
Blue Margie Aura attempts to summon her magical powers of perception.
– Zev’s patience is running out as he submits his next guess.
“Hmmmm.”
“Nope. You can have this back and dispose it for us. Thanks.”
“This looks like a good spot.”
“Assholes.”
– Margie gasps.
“A smashed cup?!”
We all know Margie will not stand for this.
In Greece, smashing a cup is done for good luck. It could all be in Zev’s master plan.
But for now, Justin is ashamed.
JUSTIN: It’s not going to be much fun after this. I can tell you that much.
Goats and then excessive tea drinking? Just another sh-tty Roadblock for Zev.
– Commercial break. We resume.
– Margie and Big Easy express sympathy for those that remain.
Something tells me this cup will not be the one.
– Zev tries once more. It’s right.
ZEV (sarcastic): Thank you.
(JUSTIN and MARGIE both cheer loudly; AUCTIONEER hands him bottle.)
ZEV (sarcastic): Thank you, sir.
“Congratulations! Here ya–”
“Oh. He’s not in a mood to talk.”
There there, Biggie.
There there, Margie.
The all too familiar phrase when Luke is breaking down at a task emerges once more.
“Come here, you little rascal.”
JUSTIN: Let’s get in a cab, and you can wet yourself in the cab.
Zev will only be able to wear those silver pyjamas for one round? Tragic.
– It’s Fight or Flight Time for the Globetrotters. Flight Time and Big Easy both encourage Luke to keep going even with their own race on the line.
Hell, we’ll see that again in TAR 24 when Brendan & Rachel and Margie & Luke are stuck hours and hours behind everyone else at a similar task.
Yikes. Most of the cups are gone.
BIG EASY: Don’t stop, Luke. Keep going. Keep going.
Luke defies Big Easy; he doesn’t give a crap what he has to say.
– Zev & Justin are in the cab.
JUSTIN: We don’t know how much longer it’s going to take them. We gotta keep chugging.
ZEV: Don’t say ‘chugging’.
If you do, Zev will smash a cup over your head.
– Ron & Christina are still on the road. No tea stall in sight. They decide to switch cab drivers.
Mainly because of this.
Roadblock:
Who wants whiplash?
– Kisha & Jen are at the location told to them by the local.
KISHA: So they make -this- here?
JEN: Let’s get out.
Good call.
– They ask for directions on the street but have yet to open the cap.
JEN: I’m about to drink this Snapple.
“You know. . .for it’s thirst quenching and refreshing taste.”
– Jet & Cord are running around to find the tea stall. Kent & Vyxsin have fun in the cab.
KENT: We have this tea we need to deliver. Vyxsin’s has been nestling it in her bosom keeping it very safe. It’s like pillows for the tea.
Nestling it?
Wouldn’t that be a Nestea instead of a Snapple then?
– Kent & Vyxsin are first to the tea stall.
“If you find a trace amount of milk in here, ignore it.”
– It’s a Detour. Phil says this is one of the oldest civilizations in the world, and has promoted religion along with education down through the millenia.
And pouring buckets of water on their heads to escape the always excruciating heat.
“Nobody ever pours a bucket of water on my head. Sigh.”
Either that’s a Bindi, or he is the first person ever to paint the flag of Japan on their forehead.
That looks like my closet after four years of university in the Arts program.
The camera operator fights through the crowd to get to Phil.
There we go.
PHIL: In this Detour, teams must decide which aspect of Indian life they would like to explore–Hindu Art or Bengali Literature.
One day you will be a Street Fighter backdrop.
Yoga Flame!
Do you want to hang out with a mythological deity?
Or a present-day college student who is wearing an anime shirt?
– In Hindu Art, teams make their way to the statuary shop. Once here, they must paint, dress, and adorn a statue of a Hindu god named Ganesha. Once their work matches the intricate design of the example, they will receive their next clue.
I am amazed we have had a task involving Ganesha multiple times already on The Amazing Race. Wasn’t it TAR Asia or something that involved lighting up a ganesha? (Apparently it was TAR 13. Thanks, Michael.)
A ganesha would have been a really good bully in high school. They could easily pick you somebody by the scruff on the back of their neck as the other guy punches him in the stomach.
Especially as this band could drum up a beat that sounds like “No More Mr. Nice Guy” as the teenager is being punched.
NOTE: Ganesha is the son of Shiva and Parvati.
Not this Parvati, though. Otherwise he would be half-crab rather than half-elephant.
– In Bengali Literature, teams make their way to a bookstore where they will receive eight stacks of children’s books.
My personal favourite is the Dr. Seuss classic “Hop on Poppadom”.
– Teams must squeeze themselves and the books into the back of a rickshaw. Then they must direct their rickshaw driver through the congested streets of Kolkata to a specific school. When they deliver the books to the head mistress, they will receive their next clue.
If only this round had the Double U-Turn. Something tells me this would be Big Easy’s second choice.
Could you imagine if the Globetrotters had to do this during the 2015 Heat Wave? This would’ve been their coffin.
Wait. They are delivering children’s books to a high school and college? Let’s check out what’s going on inside.
Either this is a Monday, or everyone was expecting A LOT more from the class that they signed up for. The lady on the right is practically asleep.
– Kent & Vyxsin go with Hindu Art.
VYXSIN: Because I’m good at crafty stuff.
“Like witchcraft, for instance. Burn her!”
– Gary & Mallory are talking about the tea shop then–
Yikes Scoob!
It will not be much longer until everyone decides to walk to their next route marker on foot.
Mallory might think she was hallucinating that near miss because of all the tea she was drinking, but I assure you that was no trip.
– Gary & Mallory leap ahead to 2nd and choose to do the Bengali Literature.
– Kisha & Jen enter a random hallway on the street to ask a man where they make the Snapple bottle.
“Excuse me sir, can you tell us where they make this?”
KISHA: Do you know where they make the Snapple?
(MAN immediately tries to open the cap.)
KISHA: No.
JEN: No.
MAN: Hmmm?
“All manufacturing addresses are under the cap. Don’t you know how India works?”
“I’m confused. You want me to tell you where a bottle of a brown liquid that you refuse to let me examine is manufactured?”
JEN (quietly): Why would anybody want to open it?
“That guy is dumb.”
– We get to see the light bulb physically light up in Kisha’s head.
“Wait a second. Maybe he’s not, Jen.”
KISHA: Jen. Maybe it is on the top.
“Or maybe it is a really stupid idea. Who knows.”
Jen plays along with her sister’s silly theory.
They squint to read it, and then at the top of Jen’s lungs. . .
JEN: SHUT THE F-CK UP!!!
Snapple, please use this in your next commercial.
YOUNG GIRL: What do you have there, Jen?
(JEN shrugs.)
YOUNG GIRL: You don’t know? Look at it.
(JEN sees the Snapple logo on her bottle and does a double take.)
JEN: SHUT THE F-CK UP! IT’S MOTHERF–KING SNAPPLE!
I love how this happens directly in front of two Indian men who were trying their best to help Jen out. They must be beyond confused at this point after hearing a young woman shout “SHUT THE F-CK UP” at the top of her lungs just inches away.
Jen is still huffing and puffing over wasting time with a stupid bottle cap.
– Ron & Christina are third to the tea stall. Ron opts for Hindu Art because he could get lost delivering books.
– Kisha & Jen are fourth to the stall. They go with Hindu Art too.
– We head back to Town Hall. Big Easy keeps rooting on his buddy.
“This bowl? Hmmmm.”
“Take it back please. Thank you, come again.”
I have not seen Flight Time be this stressed before.
Luke is near his breaking point.
Big Easy and Margie cannot bear to look up anymore.
– Flight Time is turned away again.
BIG EASY: We’re just trying to get the one, and we’re going to get it.
Just one ice cold Snapple.
That’s all Big Easy wants. He doesn’t care if he has to share.
– We see Gary & Mallory enter the correct bookstore.
“Eight bundles of Chindurella, please.”
Leave it to Mallory to choose a Detour that involves ordering children’s books.
– The book is actually “An Introduction to the Bengali Alphabet”.
“Wait a second. . .that bitch just cut in front of us in line! We’ve been waiting for hours And now there’s no more An Introduction to the Bengali Alphabet left in stock! Screw this, guys. I’m going home.”
I love that the book stack is so high that Mallory can protect it with her chin.
– Gary asks Mallory to find somebody who can speak English and give the directions to the driver.
MALLORY: Can anyone speak English?
“Oh! Thanks!”
“Thank you, um, whoever said that.”
– A teenager emerges from the crowd to give the driver the correct directions.
Do you think he gave directions to the Victoria Institution?
Or to the local county jail?
GARY: I feel like a monkey in a circus parade. Don’t you?
Gary could not be more amused by this.
The only thing school buses here have in common with the West is that they are still yellow. At least it matches with Gary & Mallory’s shirts!
– Jet & Cord find the tea stall.
But not before passing by a guy holding up a boombox.
– Jet & Cord go with Bengali Literature.
– Zev & Justin’s driver is excited to find the tea stall. Justin says it is Zev’s day and lets him choose the task.
Eenie meinie. . .
Mo.
And wow, Zev has a long index finger.
This man is trying really hard to create a wooden mohawk wig.
– Zev wants to do Bengali Literature.
– Ron & Christina and Kent & Vyxsin find the site for Hindu Art.
The streets of Kolkata becomes white noise after a while.
I can’t wait for February when the next season of Rakhal Paul’s Drag Race starts up.
The dog chases Ron out of the alley.
That dog really is eager to catch up to Ron Hsu.
Ron makes barking noises the whole time, might I add.
– Kisha & Jen are at the stall now too. Guess who is stoked to decorate it pink?
You got it.
“Even the pubes will be pink.”
KENT: We saw that statue making it pretty in pink much like Vyxsin and I. It was perfect for us.
I bet they also listen to Otis Redding songs on a repeated loop back at home.
Do you even lift, ‘Nesha?
– Kisha & Jen are painting too. Apparently there is something separate from Ganesha to paint as well.
JEN: I think it’s a dog.
I’ll go with that.
Here is some local music for everyone to enjoy during this monotonous task!
Well, maybe not everyone.
CHRISTINA: It was extremely loud. The decibel was through the roof.
RON: I have these earplugs but it’s not helping that much even though it is quite entertaining.
I think those are earbuds rather than earplugs, personally.
RON: The noise level is giving me a headache!
You dare insult my flute playing?!
LOUDER!
RON: Argh. Lordy. Let’s keep it quiet.
CHRISTINA: You need to concentrate and focus.
RON: That’s easy for you to say!
“Why is that easy for me to say? I’m not. . .oh. That’s somebody else, dad.”
RON: Geez. Good grief.
Charlie Brown hates flutes.
– More tea is drunk.
There is Punch Drunk, but dare I say Flight Time is Tea Drunk?
“Charmander: Return!”
Luke would make a great Ash Ketchum.
– They appear to have modified this Roadblock. Neither Luke nor Flight Time have to get on stage anymore. All they have to do is show the bottom of the bowl to the tea auctioneer.
They are lucky he has good eyesight.
– Is it fair to the earlier teams that Luke and Flight Time don’t have to waste twenty seconds altogether and the expended energy anymore? I personally don’t think so, even if my legs would be burned out using Flight Time’s technique.
With two NELs already implemented, Margie knows this could easily be their swan song.
And this is the part where she starts to accept it.
– Flight Time is reduced down to a walk. He has a flashback to the Znarf Kefka penalty.
FARNZ.
Get out.
Farnz didn’t work. I am out of ideas.
– Flight Time said they made an agreement to not take a penalty this season. We see him get rejected a few more times before bring a bowl onto the stage.
“Pssst. If you say ‘no’ I am going to ram this ceramic bowl into your f–king face.”
“You’ve got me there.”
BIG EASY: AWWW YEAH! THAT’S MY DOG! WAY TO NOT GIVE UP BABY! WAY TO BE A SOLDIER!
Luke must love Big Easy’s celebration.
Big Easy gives the obligatory high five.
Even Flight Time hesitates to celebrate in front of Luke.
Which is probably a good call.
– Globetrotters don’t know what their clue is when they enter the cab.
BIG EASY: Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo.
I think Big Easy figured it out. By the way Jen, Big Easy solved a puzzle before you did.
– Remember all of those over-the-top emotional scenes we got from Margie & Luke during TAR 14?
Well get ready. This is going to be a doozy.
NOTE: Whenever CBS tries to do an emotional scene, it usually comes off cheesy due to the editing and unintentionally funny. Can they succeed with making it connect with the audience or are we about to be treated to some dark comedy?
Let’s find out.
– Luke is crying on the audio as the TAR India Poverty music soundtrack plays. In fact, it is the same soundtrack that played during TAR 14 where Margie & Luke cried over the poverty they saw on the roads of Jaipur.
So yeah. Dark comedy route.
“Charmander. . .return?”
“Stop bothering me! Can’t you see I am studying An Introduction to the Bengali Alphabet?”
This is getting difficult for Margie.
– Luke walks over.
Evidently, a common papaya mango tea side effects: Erections.
“THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!”
– Margie informs him it is not too hard and that he can finish it repeatedly as the Town Hall workers watch.
“My wife is having an affair with my next door neighbour.”
Arghhhhh.
“My wife left me after finding out I had an affair with a hot neighbour.”
MARGIE: I just told him he could finish this and I’m not sure he can.
Wow.
Harsh.
– Commercial break. We resume.
Eh. There’s only five hundred more cups for Luke to drink.
“You must drink the entire concoction!”
– Luke looks to his mom for more advice.
By the way, has anyone noticed the lightning scar on Luke’s right shoulder? Kinda cool.
You can do it!
“Rob Schneider told him he can do it, but I don’t think he can.”
– Oh, Luke gets rejected once more. Margie talks about the previous race.
MARGIE: In the last race, if he was at a task too long he would get really really frustrated.
“Do you know what I think of your No Shirt No Pants No Service rule?”
Heeeee
Yaaaa!
– Margie says Luke feels he let her down, but she’s proud of him.
– Gary & Mallory arrive at the Victoria Institution after an awkward camera is pointed at the school van driver’s butt for the whole ride. Mallory cheers when she sees the school.
You might want to get yourself checked out for a hernia, Gary.
Mallory nearly gets her foot caught when exiting the van. Too funny.
This is the only time Gary has been allowed to seek a mistress since he got married forty years ago.
– Gary & Mallory eventually find the headmistress’ office for the primary school.
Thank goodness a lot of signs in India are in English for the racers. If India did not get colonized by the English, TAR here would be far more difficult.
GARY: We brought you some books!
“Which we definitely would have voluntarily done if not forced to do so by producers of The Amazing Race!”
– Mallory cheers when she receives the clue. She reads they must go to the Fountain of Joy for their next pit stop. Phil adds that it is located at The Maidan which is Kolkata’s largest park. The Victoria Memorial Hall is also here.
Why does that lion look so old?
No locals gathered behind Phil in a shot for once during an India leg?
Instead they opt to play Cricket.
– Gary wants to catch a cab but Mallory gets distracted by talking to the kids.
MALLORY: Hello! How are youuu?
I will give that kid ten bucks if her response was “I have lice.”
– Gary & Mallory enter a cab.
– Kent & Vyxsin brag about painting eyebrows on Ganesha which look like their own.
KENT: It’s just like us getting ready in the morning.
Let’s compare.
Not bad.
Vyxsin gives him the brush because Ganesha was a carpenter.
KENT: Now it’s time to accessorize!
I really wish Ganesha’s accessories involved a Chinese solar heating system tube.
– Kent volunteers himself to put on bracelets and armbands.
– Kisha & Jen and Ron & Christina talk about Ganesha.
KISHA: The statue looks pregnant. We’re guessing Goddess of Fertility?
“And the enlarged breasts too. That’s another thing for Vyxsin to motorboat this season.”
CHRISTINA: What? Do you think she’s pregnant or she’s just got a gut?
I can imagine Christina as a child going up to one of her aunts saying “am I going to have a new cousin to play with or have you just been eating as much brownies as my dad does?”
Who knew someone who is part-elephant and part-man would struggle with his own personal identity.
– Oh, do you recall how Ron hates the noisy musicians?
Yeah, they troll him pretty hard.
RON: Even with these earplugs I could still hear the loud music. The rhythm is wonderful if I could just disco to it, but I can’t disco when I’m painting.
– Ron starts moving his hips as the music plays.
Dear Producers: PLEASE BRING BACK RON FOR A THIRD TIME JUST FOR A DISCO ROADBLOCK IN THE SEASON PREMIERE.
Seriously. I want to see what moves he has got in his repertoire.
– Jet & Cord find a different bookstore. They ask for more directions. Zev & Justin eventually get inside.
Man, I really want to fax that number when I get into work tomorrow.
JUSTIN: Here are the eight bundles.
ZEV: Is there a bag?
JUSTIN: No, we got to carry them.
Sorry, Zev. You guys -did- have enough money to buy two bags for the books, but instead you spent it all on your silver pyjamas.
– Justin asks who is feeling fast or who can do it fast. Needless to say he might get two different responses. He picks a driver for them.
ZEV: I don’t know about his Boston hat.
It’s actually the logo for the Bombay Red Sox.
They play at Fenwaysharigandhiakldljengopetalon Park.
I doubt they serve hot dogs, though. Just a gut feeling.
– Zev & Justin’s school van hits a bump.
“Is there any danger sitting directly beneath the top of the doorway? Nah.”
“Dammit! I forgot sitting at the back of a school bus is far more fun in America than it is in India!”
That’s going to leave a mark.
I haven’t seen somebody bump their head like this since I saw a monkey jumping on a bed.
ZEV: Ow!
JUSTIN: I don’t think these things are seat belt equipped.
ZEV: I feel a little claustrophobic, but it’s for a good cause–delivering books to a school.
Boosting the child literacy rate is nothing to be sarcastic about, Zev.
– Jet & Cord find Digha Publishing House. They get directions and are off.
Power the school van Flintstones style.
– Ready to watch Luke in misery some more? You sadistic bastard.
Oh boy.
Nope. Back to my book.
It should be noted that Luke has probably had to use the bathroom about four or five times by this point.
Margie has no other advice to give.
Luke is leaning over and. . .
. . .Goes down to pray to the Tea Gods of Hinduism. I mean, Hinduism has thousands of gods and goddesses. One of them has to be assigned to tea.
.
.
.
Turns out there is one (sorta). Soma. Huh.
Rise, my son.
“Can we go home yet?”
“Or do we have to stand here and watch them hug for an hour?”
MARGIE: You’re right. I don’t know how it feels. But listen, I know how you’ll feel if you don’t finish. I know how you’ll feel. Just finish.
“Don’t be a Globetrotter.”
Luke ponders it over.
Quitting would be the Big Easy way out.
“You can do it Luke!”
“You can do it Luke!”
“Luke! Luke!”
Luke was better off being a waiter than a taster.
This is an additional modification to the task. I highly doubt anybody else was allowed to bring multiple cups to the stage beforehand.
Although the five men standing behind him may have demanded it. They cannot leave until the Town Hall has been cleaned up.
Margie is muttering to herself like Snape muttering counter curses to keep Harry Potter on his broom.
“Charmander. . .return. . .please?”
Still nothing.
Margie is like a parent waiting for the school’s Christmas play to be over.
I really wish Luke makes this face the next time he drinks Snapple in a commercial.
“Tomorrow I will drink a coffee in the morning instead of tea out of respect for Luke.”
“Charmander. . .return. . .at some point?”
The man is squinting!
“He is SQUINTING!”
“Want a closer look, asshole?”
YEAH!!!!!!
The crowd has gone wild!
Although I hope to never have to watch anything that is titled Margie Gone Wild!
Hoist him up, boys! We’ve won the Super Bowl!
MVP! MVP! MVP!
All that’s missing is a shower of papaya mango flavoured Gatorade!
I have never seen Margie this happy in her entire TAR career.
The audio is too over-the-top for this moment.
MARGIE (to the auctioneer after receiving the clue): Thank you.
“For a job well done, I cannot think of anything that will make you happier than giving you more tea.”
Margie probably learned each of their full names along with their family history.
– Margie individually shakes the hands of the workers in the hall.
In Kolkata, there is segregation by moustache colour. Whitey has to stand alone.
– Margie says she is proud of Luke.
While Luke may only have elimination on his mind.
Okay. He definitely has elimination on his mind.
– Globetrotters are seventh to the tea stall and go with Hindu Art. Yeah, Big Easy had no intention of fitting into that van.
– Kent & Vyxsin finish dressing up Ganesha and receive the clue.
Which Kent tears open like it’s his bitch!
Vyxsin demands Kent to get a move on.
But first, a bow.
– Kent & Vyxsin are done the Detour in 2nd. Kisha & Jen finish it in 3rd while Ron & Christina are on their heels in fourth. Margie & Luke arrive at the tea stall.
Luke may be the first person to shiver on a dry sunny day in India.
***
Do you know what I just thought about? Luke has to overcome a lot of things. At the start of TAR 14, we knew he was deaf. Throughout the season, we learned he requires glasses at certain times. That means his sight is lacking as well.
Today, we learned his sense of taste does not function well either.
According to my calculations, three out of the five senses are compromised in some fashion.
This is not intended to be a joke, but rather a “wow, Luke really does have to work harder to get by than the rest of us”.
– They go with Hindu Art.
That coconut juice is going everywhere.
– Zev & Justin encourage their driver. The driver honks his horn repeatedly.
ZEV: What is that awful sound?
“That awful sound, you say?”
“I’ll honk it until we get to the school.”
I think he won this round, Zev.
– Zev & Justin drop off the books and receive their next clue. They hire an ideal cab driver.
Although perhaps not ideal in Kolkata rush hour traffic.
– TAR 4 India Finishing Point music as Jet & Cord enter the primary school. They are all the same title as the other teams’ books. They duck amongst a group of school kids to read the clue.
World’s Worst Game of Hide and Seek. Way to blend in, guys.
– The kids and the Cowboys say their farewell.
Jet used to rule the playground with an iron fist.
– Jet & Cord snag a taxi.
Not before the guy on the left mugs for the camera.
– Flight Time & Big Easy start painting Ganesha.
– Gary & Mallory run through the park to the pit stop mat.
Somebody please trip over that mound of dirt.
Mallory is eager to hear the news.
Phil pauses before delivering the good news.
FIRST PLACE: GARY & MALLORY
Which Gary & Mallory. . .
. . .were not expecting.
At all.
Clearly, Bengali Literature was the easier Detour option.
MALLORY: ARE YOU SERIOUS?
PHIL: I am very serious.
Phil Keoghan–Never a Jokester.
PHIL: Now you may have noticed all of the tea references on this leg of the race.
“Are we getting a tea pot?”
PHIL: And there is one more tea reference.
PHIL: I am pleased to tell you that as the winners of this leg of the race you have won being teabagged by me right now!
Uh oh.
Nah, just kidding.
PHIL: I am pleased to tell you that as the winners of this leg of the race you have won two VIP tickets to The Tea Party concert in Las Vegas!
Not Jim Morrison.
Nah, just kidding.
PHIL: I am pleased to tell you that as the winners of this leg of the race you have each won a Teater Totter.
Well that’s a lame prize.
Nah, just kidding.
.
.
.
For real this time.
PHIL: Now you may have noticed all of the tea references on this leg of the race and the familiar bottle at the Tea Exchange.
Mmmmm. Papaya Mango. Luke’s favourite.
PHIL: Well that’s because Snapple created two new Limited Edition Snapple teas inspired by all of the flavours you tasted here in India.
“Oh my gosh.”
“For me?”
“Can I have one?”
PHIL: And since you’ve come in here in first place, you’ll be the first to try it. How is that?
“You’ll -literally- be the first to try it. It hasn’t even passed quality control yet! This could cause you to grow an enlarged head, and you’d be the first to discover that!”
Snapple does not give you wings.
No matter how hard you try, Mall.
Move over Nintendo 64 Kid. I think you have been dethroned by Mallory’s Snapple Face.
Red bottles for the women.
Blue bottles for the men.
Just because Diet Snapple is low in calories does not mean it disrupts the taste!
Hold up, bros. There’s some more good news.
And no, it’s not more Snapple.
PHIL: Snapple is treating you to some of the best stuff in India. You’re going to enjoy an extraordinary Indian feast while being entertained with a special performance of a special Bollywood dance.
Wow. That’s a depressing feast.
Her dress is Papaya Mango.
I could never get a nose piercing.
“This is a new move I invented–we call it The Snapple. . .wait, this is already in the Kamasutra?”
PHIL: Plus you will receive one million. . .
“If you say ‘Virgin Air Mile Points’, we’re hitting you over the head with our Snapple bottles.”
PHIL: . . .Rupees! To share! That’s over twenty thousand US dollars!
Which guarantees you are walking home with more money than the team who crosses the finish line in third place, and you don’t have to slash through weeds in Hyrule to obtain them!
MALLORY (referring to the tea): I really love it.
Not as much as Gary.
PHIL: This is the special Snapple Amazing Race Tea. Right?
MALLORY (hysterical): OH! OH! Our own special tea.
“The Diet Snapple has aspartame. Phil you son of a bitch, I knew it was too good to be true.”
Forget buying Mallory a pony, Snapple is where it’s at!
– Ron & Christina are stuck in traffic.
Do you know what I call this?
Kolkata Kongestion.
CHRISTINA: Traffic is really heavy.
RON: I got a splitting headache because of the noise and the frustration that we were among the first to get there and we lost our lead.
I think the guy carrying twenty layers of carpet on his head may have a headache worse than Ron’s.
– Kent &Vyxsin are idle in their cab.
KENT: We have to go very fast.
VYXSIN: He knows. He knows.
“I don’t understand why he doesn’t activate a star like he is in Mario Kart and drive right through the vehicles in front of him, Vyxsin!”
– Even though Vyxsin tells Kent that the driver knows where to go, Kent flings the clue in his face once more.
“What are you doing?”
“Is this something different?”
“No, it’s the same damn clue again.”
“I say good day.”
Way to keep his eyes off the road, Kent.
– Kisha is nervous sitting in traffic. Zev & Justin’s taxi is turned off because of how bad the traffic is.
My sister had to do the same thing when we used to wait in the Dairy Queen Drive-Thru because of how fast her car would overheat. I can only imagine how a Nissan Micra would handle Kolkata traffic.
India is great, by the way.
CORD: India is great.
JET: India -is- great.
“Especially with all of their cattle on the road. It’s like a never ending supply of beef patties.”
Flight Time is starting to paint himself as a Ganesha, or the Ganesha just needed a good release.
– Margie & Luke join the Globetrotters at Hindu Art.
After four hours of tea tasting, Luke is not feeling too well.
Luke’s sinuses are messed up permanently.
Big Easy is terrified.
Because this round is not a foregone conclusion.
MARGIE: It’s some kind of funky elephant.
Not impressed.
– The band keeps playing. We are watching paint dry as the most exciting part of the episode. The Globetrotters are literally seconds away from finishing the task when. . .
NATE: Herb. . .
HERB: Oh hell no.
Oh clumsy Herb tipped over the bucket. It can’t be that bad though, right?
NATE: You kicked the bucket! It’s leaking all over dog.
Oh yeah. Nate’s dog kicked over the bucket as it leaks all over elephant.
And just like that, Margie & Luke are back in it. Flight Time needs to tip over three or four more buckets, and the tide shall turn.
– Commercial break. We resume.
Coconut Guy still doing his thing.
Meanwhile, Big Easy is ready to slam dunk Flight Time’s head into a bucket of paint.
– Margie says Luke could still beat the Globetrotters.
– Justin hands his driver an extra twenty Rupees to go faster.
“Note to self: Always drive slow at the beginning of a fare to receive financial motivation from rich American tourist.”
“Another note to self: Get my tongue condition resolved.”
– Zev & Justin, Jet & Cord, and Ron & Christina’s cabs pull over simultaneously. Everyone is yelling “stop stop stop” as a man stands behind Ron & Christina also shouting “stop stop stop”.
He just wants to be in on the fun.
– Jet & Cord, Ron & Christina, and Zev & Justin all step onto the mat seconds apart.
Why are Justin and Christina wearing green shirts listing cities that neither of them are associated with?
“This is Burkina Faso all over again.”
PHIL: You are teams two, three, and four!
“And I have been experiencing a huge sugar rush from all of this Snapple I have been drinking over the past hour!”
SECOND PLACE: JET & CORD
THIRD PLACE: RON & CHRISTINA
FOURTH PLACE: ZEV & JUSTIN
They are likely celebrating that this is not a Super Leg for once.
Pssst. Christina. Stop crushing your dad.
– Kent & Vyxsin are trying to cross the street to get into the park.
STOP!
Don’t become a professional Frogger player.
– The other three teams at the mat are too busy making a toast to the race.
Look how happy they are drinking Snapple together. This makes me want to quit what I am doing and run to the corner store to grab a papaya mango Snapple right this second.
And if the store doesn’t have this flavour, I am going to lose my f–king mind. I want oto be as happy as the racers are in that moment! I want to -drink- like an Amazing Racer! It is all I have ever wanted in my entire life.
Kent & Vyxsin are required to drink one of the papaya mango flavours, but something tells me Vyxsin will screw it up and they’ll be drinking the alternative limonade flavour.
If you listen to the audio closely, Ron states papaya mango is the real truth of all Snapple flavours.
PHIL: Hey! Look who’s just arrived!