NOTE: Thirty-four English speaking teams competed on TAR during 2015 (TAR 26, TAR Canada 3, and TAR 27). Now it is time to evaluate how they all did when matched up against each other.
This is primarily being written because it is going to be at least a few years before I get to these seasons in my TARstorian rankings, and I doubt you want to wait until 2019 or so before you hear my opinions on contemporary racers.
We will be ranking these teams based on various criteria.
Overall racing abilities.
Overall storyline and narration.
Somehow this will be quantified to produce a ranking for each team.
Let’s start from the bottom and work our way up, shall we?
First and definitely least is. . .
34) Kelly & Shevonne – TAR 27 – 11th place – 11.0 Team Average
Entertainment value: 1
Overall Racing Abilities: 1
Comedic Contribution: 2
Overall storyline and narration: 0
Move over Jet & Cord, Maria & Tiffany, and Freddy & KKKendra, there is a new asshole in town.
I know why TAR cast them. They were desperate for ratings, and wanted to bring in a pair from a recognizable brand in media.
Unfortunately this brand, TMZ, caters to the lowest of the low in the overall population (just one rung below present-day Adam Sandler fans), and Kelly & Shevonne directly reflected the very people who watch their material.
Prior to the start of the season, I assumed they would be out right away. I was under the impression they would be unprepared for the race and inevitably go home early.
Months later, the lone spoiler I accidentally read for TAR 27 is that Kelly & Shevonne are first boots. This didn’t take much effort to figure out as they were the only team who nearly refused to acknowledge their existence on TAR 27 leading up to the season premiere.
When filming began, TMZ apparently did a segment on them as they were likely eager to have their own employees cross over into reality TV and promote their brand. This is the uncomfortable realm of cross-promotion in the TV industry.
It is clear Kelly & Shevonne wanted to be in the centre of attention throughout the season, and went out of their way to rag on as many teams as possible. Of course, after suffering the Adrian & Dana/Shahla & Nabeela humiliation of not being able to complete a single leg of the race, they took their ball and went home. They opted out of doing -any- post-race exit interviews as if they were above everyone else, and did not want to be associated with the other teams who beat them.
Or, you know, be asked tough questions by actual journalists and legitimate critics. The world sure loves irony, eh?
Let’s get back to how they ragged on the other teams. Now, for anyone who reads my TARstorian blogs, I love biting and witty confessionals that come at another team’s expense. Particularly if it involves obscure pop culture references. That is pretty much my thing.
But when Kelly & Shevonne attempted to do this, they came off as downright mean-spirited, unfunny, and lacking any sort of witty connection.
“Oh! There is a mother-son team where the son is gay? Let’s just call him Norman Bates because. . .oh, I don’t know! Because. . .because. . .something! If only I was willing to walk over and have a conversation with him to do my research to make a clever remark!”
“Oh! Those Cheerleaders are wearing makeup! Let’s say they are too prissy and are primping which automatically means they suck at this race even though we are never shown talking to them!”
Like. . .those were their best shots? You want witty comparisons?
James Earl is Buster Bluth. Yes, his name is James Earl in case you didn’t bother to learn his name.
Krista is Mr. Peanut Butter from Bojack Horseman.
Why am I making these two comparisons, Kelly and Shevonne? Well maybe if you two paid attention to what your opponents did, you would figure out why.
Tiffany is Smuggy McSmuggerson, especially when it comes to creating her own costumes.
As for Denise?
She is like a southern version of Christine Godlewski from The Amazing Race 8: Family Edition.
NOTE: Dear god. I can recall all of the Godlewski Sisters. I need help.
Even after they were eliminated, Krista was interviewed for a website regarding Kelly & Shevonne’s remarks. This was the perfect opportunity for Kelly & Shevonne to be like “yeah, that was just for show and we’re sorry! All we do is make fun of annoying celebrities as we try to leech onto their fame, and we forgot we were insulting people who would be forced to watch our critiques of them for once!”
But nope. As far as I know, they did nothing to smooth things over. What assholes.
During the race, they sucked at every challenge. I thought I was terrible at slide puzzles, but they took it to a whole new level.
Stunt casting + pointlessly rude + trying too hard to be funny + boring + terrible at the game = some of the worst characteristics I could ever possibly think of to combine together and put that concoction on competitive reality TV.
Being boring is bad.
Being boring AND possess horrible personalities is plain dreadful.
As for being one of three teams to be unable to complete the first leg?
At least Adrian sounded like Link from Legend of Zelda when he fell off the wires.
And at least Shahla had her “Shahrlie Horse” moment and a fear of wooden popsicle sticks to make me laugh for all eternity.
What did Kelly & Shevonne bring to the table in this club? Pure shit.
And nobody wants that.
Hint for #33: Exactly who you would expect coming from me.
P.S. James Earl, Krista, Denise, Tiffany, and I all get along really well online. Believe it or not, there is a way to make jokes about other people without coming off like a huge jerk about it. Crazy concept I know, right?