“Spooky Palaeontologists, Promised Ponies, Streetball, and the Dildophosaurus”
(Episode Blog #265)
AUSTRALIA – JAPAN – CHINA – INDIA – AUSTRIA – LIECHTENSTEIN – SWITZERLAND – BRAZIL – UNITED STATES
Previously on TAR: Nine teams raced from Tokyo, Japan to Lijiang, China. Dating Goths drove all night and morning missing their required flight the other eight teams took to China.
After taking a later flight, the Goths saw another team at the Roadblock.
Margie & Luke came in first but had no time to celebrate.
With a chance to catch up, Kent & Vyxsin made a potentially fatal mistake. Can the Dating Goths recover and remain in the race?
NOTE: Phil refuses to say how many teams remain, and if one will be eliminated tonight. Is that a first for an episode that is not the premiere or finale? Feel free to enlighten me.
NUMBER OF TIMES MENTIONED IN THE ‘PREVIOUSLY ON TAR’ SEGMENT
AMANDA & KRIS 2
MEL & MIKE 2
GARY & MALLORY 1
JET & CORD 1
RON & CHRISTINA 1
ZEV & JUSTIN 1
JAIME & CARA: 1
KENT & VYXSIN: 1
MARGIE & LUKE: 1
– Intro time.
Jaime is creeping me out.
– We start off with yet another replay of Kent & Vyxsin realizing their fanny pack is gone (it contains their passport and money).
– Finally. Some new footage. Zev & Justin walk onto the mat.
PHIL: Zev & Justin. . .
“. . .You nearly lost this round to Kent & Vyxsin. How the hell did you manage that?”
From 1st-1st-8th appears to be a familiar pattern in returnee seasons.
Thank god these losers didn’t have a potential buffer if the first round was a NEL. David & Mary would still be in the race for leg four, and Rob & Amber would probably beat them to the mat.
Hell, almost everyone can beat David & Mary most of the time.
EIGHTH PLACE: ZEV & JUSTIN
PHIL: You are the eighth team to arrive. You’re still in the race. As a matter of fact, you’re still racing right now.
“Oooooo, what’cha guys gonna do about it? Looking for rest, were you?”
What is written on this clue are the words “Kent & Vyxsin may still catch up”.
– Zev reads the clue aloud. Teams must take a train back to Kunming, China over 400 miles away. Once there they must find Dounan Flower Market.
Nothing like the morning smog.
Kunming needs as many flowers and plants to grow as possible to counter the penetrating smog.
– Oh, and one more thing.
ZEV: Warning–A Double U-Turn will appear somewhere in this leg of the race.
A train ride to Kunming with Kent & Vyxsin not far behind means Justin knows he is in jeopardy.
Zev, however, maintains the same neutral composure.
“I don’t think Zev’s reaction to the Double U-Turn will make it to the promos.”
– Phil starts yelling at Zev & Justin as they slowly walk away.
PHIL: You better get moving!
JUSTIN: Yeah. We know.
(ZEV & JUSTIN walk even slower.)
“Who do you think you are, Phil? You’re not my dad.”
“Pssssh. What an asshole.”
– Kent & Vyxsin are back to where their hellish day was supposed to end.
Kent & Vyxsin are currently taking the absolute longest route possible to complete this leg. The RFF stalkers have probably long gone home by this point–except for maybe the guy casually snacking on a rice chip in the corner.
– Kent & Vyxsin walk to the gondola and meet an attendant.
If he prioritizes finding Kent & Vyxsin’s fanny pack as much as he does properly putting on his glasses, Kent & Vyxsin are screwed.
I am surprised he did not adjust his glasses when he saw two foreigners in pink and black approaching him.
– The attendant tells them to ride the gondola.
“We found it, but put it on top of the peak of Jade Mountain. Furthermore, you will be racing the twelve animals of the Ancient Zodiac to get to it and prove you are worthy.”
But if it goes anything like the original race, the kitten will finish in last place once more.
– Kent & Vyxsin enter the gondola. They know what will happen if the passport is not found.
The most nerve-wracking gondola ride ever.
– Kent & Vyxsin exit the gondola.
KENT: Alright, let’s look. Let’s look–oh! There it is!
Good eye, Kent. Good eye. Because this isn’t Russia, passports on TAR are relatively easy to locate.
The guy who found it for them tries to say ‘hi’, but the Goths ignore him. Why isn’t he putting his hand straight up in the air?
Because there is a sign which prohibits people from putting their hand up vertically. So sad.
Kent presents his findings as Vyxsin has an orgasmy ‘oooooh’ on the audio.
Vyxsin is stunned that they still recovered. Granted she must know she is last with two tasks and a pit stop to go.
Kent sniffs and kisses his fanny pack.
“Ah. It smells like Chow Mein.”
VYXSIN: Seriously. There’s some kind of screws loose up here in our minds.
Which is terrible if you are Kent & Vyxsin. . .
But wonderful if you are a viewer.
Kent & Vyxsin: Screwed as long as screws are loose.
– Margie & Luke are first to the train station.
MARGIE: Finally, we’re first.
Finally? Well, that makes sense considering they won the opening round of TAR 14. Waiting four rounds before winning a leg this season was probably painful for them.
I bet Eric was extremely frustrated by this in TAR 11. Twelve extra legs he had to wait before a victory.
That’s what happens when this guy can’t be your partner twice.
– Since TAR 6, no team has been able to create a bigger lead for themselves right after being informed it is a To Be Continued leg.
Can Margie & Luke somehow widen the gap with an early train ride?
12:01pm? What time does the train leave?
Better luck next time. Even Kent & Vyxsin shall catch up eventually.
– Ron & Christina show up.
– Kent & Vyxsin know their signs (Kent is a rabbit and Vyxsin is a horse). They celebrate after answering it correctly on their first try.
For the first time in this whole round, a task has gone smoothly for Kent & Vyxsin.
– They open up the Detour clue.
KENT: What about Horn?
VYXSIN: I don’t want to have to navigate.
Vyxsin knows her weaknesses. That may be the smartest decision she has made all round.
VYXSIN: We are unimaginably behind the other teams.
No kidding. It’s amazing how Kent & Vyxsin have been against every single element the race has thrown at them over the past 36 hours.
They fight and bite. They fight and bite and fight. Fight fight fight. Bite bite bite. Kent & Vyxsin’s Disastrous Leg!
Finally, they are having fun.
KENT: We’re killing these tasks, man. We’re doing good.
Wow. Kent is speaking way too soon. Are you really killing the tasks, Kent? You mean all two of them?
– Kent & Vyxsin receive their next clue.
Kent & Vyxsin are officially done. Back to work you lazy teenagers!
– Kent & Vyxsin now take turns threatening to commit suicide.
VYXSIN: I sorta feel like jumping off the edge right now.
KENT: If we get eliminated I am -gonna- jump off some building.
Why not make it this one? Although committing suicide at a place called the Eternal Tower may be an ironic twist.
LAST PLACE: KENT & VYXSIN
There is no way they can be shocked by this.
PHIL: Kent & Vyxsin, you’re the last team to arrive.
I love how neither of them refuse to look up at Phil. Kent has even chosen to close his eyes and refuses to open them until Phil’s next statement.
It’s like he is trying to avoid watching the scary part of a horror movie.
“They won’t look at me. Maybe the wife is right. . .maybe it is time to consult my doctor about botox.”
PHIL: . . . .But there is some good news. You’re still racing.
You would think Phil is dangling a newborn puppy in front of Vyxsin.
PHIL: Here’s your next clue.
“For the next leg of the race, we have included a map of Kunming inside of this clue, and you will also be able to pick up Tammy & Victor at the train station to accompany you for the remainder of the round. I hear they may or may not speak the local language.”
Even for a To Be Continued stunt, Kent & Vyxsin look too surprised. I feel like I am missing something.
Kent is very delighted.
Vyxsin is flabbergasted by this opportunity. I bet she was not expecting a second NEL in the first four rounds of play. It has never happened in TAR US before.
PHIL: I do have to tell you some bad news.
That’s one way to kill their Keep on Racing boner.
Do you know what the bad news could be?
Want me to give you a hint?
Well, they are going to encounter something on the next leg of the race.
It’s not a Handikap.
It’s not going to be the first ever Speed Bump following a Keep on Racing leg.
It’s going to be the biggest NEL penalty they will ever face.
Taking away all of your possessions? That’s child’s play.
Marked for Elimination? Nah, we can do better than that, bro.
Jet & Cord didn’t have to do anything because, well, producers have a hard-on for yellow lights, gravy, and their bitter attitudes, but they do not feel the same way about Kent & Vyxsin.
Kent & Vyxsin must overcome the biggest challenge of all time if they want to stay alive in this race.
It’s. . .
It’s. . .
HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS! IT JUST GOT REAL!
If you thought having nine teams still in play heading into round five was a bit much, we now get an army of one in the form of John Cena.
If Kent & Vyxsin cannot beat John Cena during this round, they will be eliminated. Even if they finish this leg before all other teams.
– Okay. Phil informs them of their “decision”.
PHIL: You chose to take the alternate flight from Tokyo to Kunming. It specifically told you what flights you were allowed to take. For that you have incurred a thirty minute penalty and will need to wait that out before I take you into the next pit stop.
Phil really needed to put air quotes around the word “chose”.
VYXSIN: Thank you for this next clue, Phil.
Yep. He made the decision to make it another Keep on Racing leg unilaterally.
Vyxsin is nervous about the Double U-Turn. If it was a regular U-Turn, they wouldn’t have to worry since only the threats would be U-Turned.
However, a Double U-Turn means the first team being U-Turned will just use it against a team they -know- will be right behind them.
Unless, ironically, you are Kent & Vyxsin.
Is it unprecedented for a team to receive penalty on a current leg, and have it not be applied until the END of the following one? In all other cases, the penalty was either assessed right there on the mat or at the START of the next leg.
I guess producers wanted to make it fair since this round was a NEL, and Kent & Vyxsin will join up with everybody at the train station.
Well, unless Kent & Vyxsin screw up travelling to Kunming as much as they did last episode, and are forced to take an “alternate” train.
– Kent & Vyxsin have a cab. They don’t have to self-drive which drastically improves their chances of surviving this round.
KENT: We’re not going to let any other team know anything about this penalty. Everybody would definitely be targeting us for a U-Turn if they knew we had that thirty minute penalty.
This also brings up another interesting situation we haven’t seen before. Typically everybody and their mother knows when a team has a penalty after Phil officially announces it.
Here it is the first (and only?) opportunity for a team to conceal their own disadvantage during the race even after it is made official.
I am not sure how I feel about this. Shouldn’t teams have all official information presented to them heading into a Double U-Turn? What are your thoughts on this?(POLL QUESTION).
VYXSIN: You’re so smart.
“One of us has to have the brains in this relationship, darling.”
– We cut to the train station as a stereotypical gong sound effect.
There is seven hours of daylight to kill. What can the teams possibly do to pass the time?
The Cowboys and Globetrotters are exchanging clothes? They are more progressive than I thought.
If he knew how to shoot proficiently with a gun or ride a horse, Big Easy would have created the Harlem Cowboys.
CORD: All the teams got there, and we’re all sitting around. I knew Flight Time told me he had a basketball.
I wouldn’t have expected Flight Time to bring a basketball onto the race.
CORD: They had a basketball, and I’m like ‘hey, I see a basketball goal’.
A basketball hoop, Cord. It’s called a hoop. How do you not know it is called a hoop?
And don’t use your “I’m from a small town so I don’t know s–t” crap from you, Cord. I played NCAA Basketball for the SNES when I was a kid. I know Oklahoma had TWO teams featured in this game, and you have the Oklahoma City Thunder established before TAR 18 in the NBA.
Not to mention Oklahoma State in this game had the Center named Lark who could score 3-pointers from half court almost all of the time. It is the only thing my brothers and I ever reference about NCAA Basketball for the SNES.
Out of the three or four times we ever played this mediocre sports game during the late 90s, we would always be fighting over who could be Oklahoma State just because of Lark’s inflated stats.
I bet there is a shrine somewhere on campus that is a statue of a big freakin’ bird as a symbol of Oklahoma’s past fictitious greatness.
This game is what inspired Jaime & Cara to become cheerleaders while growing up.
– Anyways, Jet suggests they play a 3-on-3 pick-up game. It is probably the first real game of basketball Flight Time and Big Easy have ever played.
Presenting to you the starting lineup of the Kunming Killers! JET! FLIGHT TIME! AND KISHA!
And also the Kunming Katerpillars! CORD! JEN! AND BIG EEEEEEEASY!
NOTE: The winner of this game will face off against the current King of the Court.
Presenting our current League Champions: MARSHALL “SLAM DUNK SPECIALIST” HUDES, MEL “THE REBOUNDER” WHITE, AAAAAND CARISSA “BEYOND THE ARC” GAAAAAGHAN!
– The two squads walk out onto the court.
Instead they had to settle for Connor & Jonathan to do an a capella arrangement of “Whoomp! There It Is!”
“It’s not -just- basketball, Logan! It’s Streetball! CHINESE Streetball!”
Initially they had it set up as to who would be Shirts and who would be Skins, but I have a feeling Kisha and Jen may have objected to that.
Oh my god. Luke is the “referee”.
I put “referee” in quotations because I know all too well what that was like growing up. I am the youngest sibling by 6-13 years in my family, and growing up with nearly all brothers and their testosterone-fuelled friends, the only role I ever got when they played basketball was “referee”.
“Referee”, of course, being code for “Hey kids, take Logan with you when you go play.”
In the series premiere of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Charlie gets stuck with the same role.
I feel for ya, guys.
– Jen won the tip-off against Flight Time. Of course, all of the attention is on the Globetrotters and Cowboys.
WNBA has you in their sights, Jen! You’ll be making five thousand dollars a year in no time!
Cara is not feeling this game. She does NFL, not NBA!
Good luck blocking Big Easy’s shot!
JET: Whoever thought we would be playing (“two cowboys!) basketball against the Harlem Globetrotters in China.
CORD: It was like playing basketball with trees.
BIG EASY: We had a good time. Everybody was involved. It was something cool. The race is stressful, and it’s cool to let it all die down.
Even Mallory gets to be in on the fun!
To reflect their performance for most of the season thus far, Jaime & Cara are stuck on the sidelines.
This show ain’t free, folks. You have to pay ten bucks to see the Globies in action.
This is so symbolic of what will happen later.
A Cowboy had the ball, but the Globetrotters are responsible for taking it out of their hands.
Nobody likes a show-off, Big Easy.
– Flight Time has the ball and is driving towards the rim.
Flight Time is relying on Kisha to block Big Easy.
That defense isn’t going to work, Cord.
Oh, and just in case you can’t get enough of Big Easy stuffing a shot by Jet:
Cowboys never learn their lesson.
Big Easy is going to make you go bring back the basketball each time, Jet.
– I love how even though this is a 3-on-3 game, Kisha & Jen are not only ignored in terms of having a confessional during the game, but neither of the other two teams comment on how Kisha & Jen played at all.
Even when Kisha & Jen latch onto future 3-timers for airtime, producers still find a way to downplay their role. Producers really had no interest in showcasing the Kisha & Jen story this season.
-You know how Big Easy said “everyone was involved”? Well, not everyone. The one team who loves the Globetrotters the most and wears their shirts aren’t even there for the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
“Where you guys been? You’re missing out on all the fun! Margie and Mallory were taking turns doing handstands, and Christina did an epic drum solo! I wish you guys coulda been here for that!”
“You bastards are playing basketball with the Globetrotters without us?”
– Zev & Justin stand on the edge of the court as they inform everyone else that Kent & Vyxsin were only ten minutes behind them at the Roadblock.
– Mallory says something quietly that editors are urged to subtitle.
You know you are not wanted when Mallory of all people is the one to heckle you off of the field.
Do you want to learn the terrifying truth about the Harlem Globetrotters?
Or do you want to see them launch more basketballs off the back of their neck?
– Kent & Vyxsin are in a cab. Vyxsin suggests the crazy idea that maybe there will be only one train that leaves the station today. They exit the cab as Vyxsin tells Kent to hurry because she sees teams. Kent reminds her to keep the penalty on the hush.
Jaime and Margie enjoy what could possibly be their last leg of The Amazing Race together. They have never been apart in the past seventeen rounds of their respective racing careers.
Zev missed out on playing basketball with the Globetrotters, but he does get a consolation prize of playing cards with Cord, Luke, Mallory, and Cara.
– Big Easy is still hyped up after the basketball game.
If wearing Cord’s hat from earlier wasn’t enough. . .
. . .Big Easy even steals their bit.
I know I promised to keep track of every time the Cowboys said ‘oh my gravy’, but just because. . .
BIG EASY’S OH MY GRAVY COUNT: 1
– Cara sighs.
JET: They’re going to have some explaining to do.
– Kent & Vyxsin greet the teams.
“dafuq you doin’ here?”
“It’s so gooood to be here with my favourite people.”
– Immediately they ask about what happened.
KENT: It was all in Japan. Our car broke down on the highway to the airport.
(Blunder sound effect as Luke makes a “That’s BS” gesture for the camera.)
Wow. This definitely didn’t happen. For two reasons. . .
a) Luke is deaf. Therefore, he cannot hear what Kent is saying and would be unable to know his story is BS.
b) Even if Luke has since become proficient at reading lips, he would have to be FACING Kent to know what he is saying.
Reaction shots are typically the most edited part about Survivor because it makes for great TV, and TAR is no exception to this.
It’s something that a casual viewer doesn’t think about at home, but if you stop and analyze the situation, this is a great example of “wow, this had to be taken out of context”.
MALLORY: Did they give you a penalty or anything?
VYXSIN: We still don’t know what they’re going to do.
Wow. Vyxsin is a much better liar than Kent. Remember when Kent tried lying to Justin last leg? Yeah, Vyxsin needs to do the talking.
Just like how Flo is a much better liar than Zach.
Although everyone is skeptical regardless.
KENT: The sharks were swirling around. It was funny. ‘Hi how are ya? What’s your penalty?’
Which ranks just below ‘hi how are ya? Tell me what’s your flavour?”
Well, nobody had missed a -required- flight before either, Kent. I would be curious too.
And if the car had broken down, we all know that no time credit is given for this unlucky situation.
– Justin and Kisha discuss what they just heard. He has the most appropriate response of all.
Who knew outright lies were hard to believe?
JUSTIN: It’s just rules are rules, you know? We’ll see.
– Jet says something, but I don’t care.
– Everyone boards the night train together.
Do you know what’s hilarious for Kisha & Jen, Margie & Luke, and Jaime & Cara? In just 1 1/2 seasons, this is their fifth leg in China.
Furthermore, their first China leg did not occur until round nine of TAR 14. Rounds nine, ten, and eleven all took place there last season.
This means that five of their past eight rounds of play have been within China’s borders. If you are Kisha & Jen, it is actually five out of seven.
They were better off signing up for China Rush.
– Anyways, the train is peculiar.
BIG EASY: It’s the first time I have seen three beds stacked on top of each other.
Nothing in Asia thus far has been designed for Big Easy.
Big Easy may want to switch to the second bunk to avoid staring at Flight Time’s ass for the next ten hours. Flight Time thought now was the best time to play Twister.
I would pay Big Easy twenty bucks to stomp on the top bunk bed just to see if he could fall through three layers of bedding on a train.
Zev & Justin are stuck on the top bunk bed and get the Oompa Loompa Goose Dump Camera perspective.
ZEV: We got stuck all the way on the top bunk.
JUSTIN: The good thing about being on the top bunk of a triple decker is that–
ZEV: There’s less chance of murder.
JUSTIN: Yeah. I feel like any murder on the bottom bunk or the middle bunk. Tell our families we love them very much.
Zev is accepting his fate already.
But the door is locked. I can’t think of any genre of murder mysteries that involves a Chinese room being locked.
– We skip to the end of the train ride. It’s 5:30am. Everyone knows today is what counts. Kisha laughs after Jen says what time it is.
KISHA’S LAUGH COUNT: 6
Jen refused to hire their driver until the high five was completed, by the way.
The driver studies the hand intently.
The driver figures out the Western script, and completes the high five.
– Ron & Christina speak Chinese.
The driver reads the subtitles on screen to confirm the translation.
I forgot how much more polite other languages are that don’t involve saying the word ‘sorry’ a trillion times.
CHRISTINA: Speaking Chinese, we have home court advantage now.
Now?! You mean not like all of last episode when you wouldn’t shut up about it non-stop or before in Japan where you spoke Japanese too?
At least we get Smug Miyagi out of it.
– Justin points out that Ron & Christina probably know where they are going because they speak Chinese. They continue to follow their cab.
– Cara says it is a big day because of the Double U-Turn. Vyxsin echoes the same thoughts.
– Everyone is communicating their taxi for them to wait.
Let it be known that unlike the general population of Kunmingers, I would NOT be going out to a flower market by 5:30 in the morning. . .or ever.
– Kisha commands Jen to grab the clue and move out of the way.
Kisha & Jen were U-Turned out of the race in China last time–they want to build any lead they can get to avoid that today.
For some reason, editors have only inserted one China flashback for Kisha & Jen–the altercation with Luke.
– They read that they must make their way to the Golden Arch.
PHIL: Teams must make their way to the Golden Horse and Jade Cock Memorial Arch.
Yeah. I can get why producers just typed “Golden Arch” into the clue.
“Teams must find the Golden Cock! Wait. We need to rephrase that.”
Leave it to a group of middle-aged women to gather in front of an arch and look at a giant cock for their morning Tai Chi ritual.
It’s all about phrasing.
– Zev & Justin are second to the clue box followed by Ron & Christina.
CHRISTINA: In Chinese it’s. . .
I can’t wait for them to get out of China.
– Zev & Justin are standing still as they wait for Ron & Christina to walk towards them.
JUSTIN: Can we come with you guys?
If only Ron & Christina were willing to downplay their knowledge of the language a bit more.
– Margie & Luke are fourth. Margie reads the full clue. Good ol’ Jade Cock Memorial.
– Gary shouts at Mallory to hustle. All of the other teams have shown up.
– Jaime & Cara are fifth. Kent & Vyxsin are sixth. Jet says the word ‘cock’ in seventh. Gary & Mallory are eighth.
The hand sticking out of the flowers must be creeping Jaime out.
A man emerges and reads the clue with them.
Does anybody know what a Sereet is?
– The Globetrotters are in the wrong area and backtrack.
– Jet & Cord nearly steal Gary & Mallory’s taxi.
GARY: This is us.
CORD: This y’alls cab?
(JET and CORD run over to another taxi.)
JET: We got somebody’s cab. Somebody’s just standing there trying to find a cab.
Remember that time when all of the casual fans went beserk at the end of TAR Canada 3 because Nick & Matt and the VoldeMussolinis kept taking everyone else’s taxis in Edmonton, and crying that it was unfair?
Well, where were all of the casual fans to complain about this?
“Is it just me or does it feel like something is missing here?”
– Globetrotters conclude somebody took their cab like it was a Chinese fanny pack.
BIG EASY: Taxi. Taxi.
FLIGHT TIME: Taxi. Taxi.
BIG EASY: Taxi.
FLIGHT TIME: Taxi. This bad. Taxi.
BIG EASY: Taxi.
FLIGHT TIME: Taxi. This bad, Nate.
– Commercial break. We resume. Globetrotters find a taxi.
Something tells me they wish they could have just deflected the basketball directly into Jet’s face.
– Ron & Christina are first to the clue box with Zev & Justin right behind them. It’s a Detour.
CHRISTINA: Honour the Past or Embrace the Future.
Screw the present.
PHIL: China is the world’s fastest growing nation.
And with the One Child Policy officially revoked as of the end of 2015, we can only imagine how much more it will grow now.
PHIL: . . .But its people also work hard to preserve its unique cultural history.
It’s like a spotlight is shining onto him.
– In Honour the Past, teams must watch a traditional Tibetan performance (since when did China try to help preserve Tibet is beyond me) while testing their powers of perception and memory.
Without taking any notes, they must go inside the theatre curtain and place a set of fifteen dolls representing the fifteen characters of the show, into the same order that the performers appeared on stage.
When the dolls stand correctly, teams will receive their next clue.
I wonder if teams will have to dress up in costume as well? That has been the trend for this season.
The almighty curtain.
I expect some Mr. Bean antics with the dolls like it was Christmas.
Aren’t you just a doll. . .oh wait.
The Tibetan Barbie line is highly anticipated.
I didn’t know Siberia was apart of Tibet!
“But I am your daughter!”
They could make a ton of dolls and have eleven of them resemble each of the pit stop greeters as the final memory challenge of the season.
He gets the most badass costume of them all.
– In Embrace the Future, teams must offload a complete solar water heating system, carry it to a building, and install it properly on the roof.
And you thought China was doing nothing to solve their pollution crisis.
I love how there is only three of them in that truck. A truck which is very capable of holding far more heating systems than just three.
I will love producers if the elevator is broken. Especially if Mel was still in the race.
– When all of the solar heating tubes are placed correctly, they will receive the clue.
If a couple of Americans can figure out how to install it within an hour or two, it makes you re-think why you pay these guys fifty bucks an hour to install it.
Ron is sad that neither task involves eating.
CHRISTINA: We’re going to Honour the Past.
JUSTIN: We’re going to go where they go.
What would be great is if Ron decides to stop for food from his childhood three or four times just to troll Justin.
– Margie & Luke are third to the Cock. They choose to go to Embrace the Future because it sounds easier.
– Kisha & Jen are fourth to the clue box.
– Kent & Vyxsin, Gary & Mallory, and Jet & Cord are dropped off at the Golden Arches.
Could it be?
It’s the Golden Arches! Wow. Even in China they know what the golden arches means.
– Everyone catches on as to why they were dropped off there.
You don’t even have to worry about Hours of Operation! It’s open twenty-four hours per day!
– Guess who is next to the correct arch in fifth?
The team that had their cab stolen. . .which is what I assume is what fans of TARC 3 wanted to have happen at the end of the Edmonton leg.
– Globetrotters re-enter the cab.
FLIGHT TIME: Do you know? Do you know the place?
DRIVER: . . .
They do not feel reassured.
– Justin asks Ron & Christina if they are making their driver wait.
CHRISTINA: Yeah, just say (waving arms) “Duhhheh”.
JUSTIN (laughing): Say what?
“And if you want to ask him where the bathroom is, say ‘fuk-oof-old-mon’.”
“Yeah, I’m not going to fall for that. Nice try, Christina.”
– Ron & Christina and Zev & Justin enter the theatre space.
AND THEY HAVE TO WEAR COSTUMES!!!! I was only joking earlier because of how often they have had to wear silly costumes in the first four rounds. It didn’t cross my mind that it was actually going to happen with this task because it seemed unnecessary.
Oh, and there’s karaoke once they enter the room. Because, you know, Southeast Asia.
In fact, my fellow university graduate Dan has traveled around quite a bit in the past few years, and is currently going through Southeast Asia. This is the part where I was going to show a giant photo he took recently of a tall building that says KARAOKE in giant letters across the top for his travel blog, but Dan never got back to me before I finished this post. However, once I get his permission, the photo he took will be edited in.
But yeah, Southeast Asia sure loves karaoke.
BERTRAM & ELISE: You want a second shot at The Amazing Race? Do you have some Unfinished Business? Fine, you’re on. Know that you and twenty others will wear what we tell you to wear no matter what. The world is our house. It doesn’t matter whether you’re in Australia, China, Japan. . .or China again. You are our BITCH. We bark when we tell you to bark, you sit when we tell you to sit, and when we ask you to jump, you say ‘how high’? Don’t you EVER forget that.
Who knew Tibetans watched TAR 24?
– Margie has found the Great Wall of China Building where the other Detour is taking place. They have to bring three boxes to the top. Margie and Luke each put a box on their back.
MARGIE: These are really heavy.
And that’s coming from the Bionic Woman.
That’s one way to ruin your posture.
AND they have to take the stairs! Yes! There is a god.
– Luke turns to see that Margie is having trouble getting through the doorway to the first flight of stairs.
Who dare speak to me?
MARGIE: I’M TRYING!
MARGIE HAS STRUGGLED WITH LIFTING SOLAR WATER HEATING EQUIPMENT HER WHOLE LIFE, AND LUKE IS -YELLING- AT HER! AND THAT’S JUST RUDE!
This is not her morning.
If only they had taken the elevator at the beginning.
– The performance is over.
JUSTIN: I’m in trouble here.
Zev looks like he is ready to shoot himself. That’s what happens when you have to dress up like you are in that scene from Robin Hood: Men in Tights when all of the characters are in drag at the bow and arrow competition.
RON: I never played with dolls.
But I bet you played with “action figures”.
– Jaime is getting frustrated that she cannot find The Golden Cock. Finding one probably grants you entry into the Willy Wanka Factory.
– Kent & Vyxsin are together with Jaime & Cara. Jaime & Cara’s driver points out the Golden Arch.
KENT & VYXSIN: The Reds found it.
You may have to be a bit more specific in a semi-Communist State, Kent.
– Kent & Vyxsin choose to get “physical” which refers to the Future task.
– Gary & Mallory and Jet & Cord arrive at the Golden Arch in eighth and last respectively.
– Kisha & Jen are at Honour the Past and watch the performance.
– Ron complains everything is a blur as Zev & Justin bicker about the order.
Heh, sounds Italian.
– They submit their guess.
It wasn’t even a dude that was last.
– Kisha & Jen head behind the curtain.
JEN: Don’t talk. Don’t talk.
I love that Kisha has to be told not to talk twice.
– Margie & Luke begin assembling on the roof.
– Zev & Justin figure out who was wrong. Ron & Christina’s first guess is rejected.
– Zev & Justin’s second guess is approved. The Chinese Riff plays as Justin reads that they must go to the place that the photo enclosed in their clue is showcasing.
Caution: Double U-Turn ahead.
Oddly enough, I believe the last time a photographed clue appeared in TAR was during Zev & Justin’s elimination round in Cambodia.
Phil does his job of explaining the Double U-Turn once again.
– Kisha & Jen are correct on the first try and leap to 2nd place. Justin hands their photograph to a bunch of locals. Somebody recognizes the photo for Kisha & Jen.
KISHA & JEN: Can you take us there? In a cab?
It might be a ‘no’.
More gestures but nothing is working.
KISHA: We need Christina and Ron.
“This was our plan all along. How long are they willing to wait?”
– Christina submits their guess.
Christina is so relieved her hat falls off.
– Ron & Christina are out on the streets.
CHRISTINA: They’re still here!
Correct me if I’m wrong, but Kisha & Jen and Zev & Justin have been working together near the top of the leaderboard in almost every leg thus far.
Ron & Christina have been flexible with coalitions. They are making a lot of fans.
– Christina knows exactly where they are going. The other two cabs follow her.
– Speaking of following, or lack thereof, the Globetrotters have no one to follow for once.
Which means they get stuck rather quickly. The taxi driver is done asking for directions and presumably knows where to go.
– Jaime & Cara work together to lift up one box at a time. There is a lot of panting.
That is a big box for Jaime to handle.
I love the pink Nike swoosh.
They probably wish they had done the other side of the Detour at this point.
Any labour job would force Jaime to tie her hair back. Heck, even at my job I am required to tie my hair back. That’s a technical foul, Jaime.
– Kent & Vyxsin try working together. Vyxsin is taking lead.
VYXSIN: Kent. Just go. This isn’t rocket science. Just walk.
“You mean jump up and down in the same spot?”
Hard labour jobs and walking up steps was never Kent’s thing in TAR 12 either. Vyxsin is even taking the harder job of being backwards.
– Margie & Luke complete the task. They are currently in fourth. Luke runs by Kent & Vyxsin down the stairs.
VYXSIN: Kent just–there’s other teams. C’mon.
VYXSIN: Go! Move your ass. There’s a race for a million dollars and you won’t go up some stairs.
He may be the smart one, but not the agile and strong one.
He even puts his arm out like it’s a runway show.
– Jet & Cord are at the Great Wall Building. Kent is struggling to put a tube in.
KENT: I can’t get this in. It’s stuck.
VYXSIN: Because you’re doing my job. Hold this.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Smart One.
Correction: Ladies and gentlemen, The Soon To Be Dead One.
Jaime & Cara decide to do a Tandem Farmers Walk on the other two boxes.
– Kent holds one tube out for Vyxsin.
KENT: Here’s one.
VYXSIN: Okay. Put it in.
KENT: I can’t. Both of my hands are full.
VYXSIN: Kent just put it in.
Maybe their relationship didn’t last because Kent couldn’t put anything into a tight space unless he could use his own hands to guide it.
You got to learn how to go Hands Free, buddy.
– They finish the first box.
VYXSIN: Okay Kent. Let’s head back down.
“You mean there’s -two- more boxes?”
– Gary & Mallory enter the Tibetan theatre. Kent & Vyxsin are attempting to carry two boxes stacked on top of one another.
KENT: Wait. Wait. Waaaait. I can’t do it.
Lift with your knees, Kent!
– Jet & Cord pass Kent & Vyxsin with the Farmers Walk technique.
VYXSIN: Help me.
KENT: Wait. Look. They’ve got a good way to do it.
VYXSIN: Push. I can’t do this by myself.
Of course, copying Jet & Cord’s technique would mean Kent would have to lift half a box in each hand. He is using both hands and he doesn’t have any strength left to lift it. Kent is looking more like C. Montgomery Burns with his feebleness.
– Gary & Mallory finish watching the performance at the Tibetan theatre.
“This is sooooo much fun, Mall.”
“Nothing like studying costumes at six o’ clock in the morning, Mall.”
“Oh my gosh!”
“I get to play with the dolls now!”
“Her name is Betsy. . .”
“This one is Millie–she doesn’t like Betsy because because because Millie put gum in Betsy’s hair back in the third grade cause they were fighting over a boy.”
MALLORY: And Daddy, you can be Steve. . .but you CAN’T be Millie. Because I’M Millie!
GARY: Mall, we’re kind of in a race–
MALLORY: You’re Steve!
GARY: Oh, uh. . .*starts speaking in a deeper voice* ‘hi Millie, how was school today?’
MALLORY (squeakier voice): Oh, it was okay, I guess. The teacher was really mean to me. She gave me LOTS of homework.
– Flight Time & Big Easy show up to the tubular heating area.
Note to self: Flight Time has a stronger upper body than Kent.
KENT: Stop! I’m tipping!
Vyxsin is -not- lifting with her knees.
Jaime & Cara successfully avoid getting their tubes tied. Instead, the tubes are all aligned perfectly straight.
– Jaime & Cara finish the Detour in fifth place.
JAIME: We will U-Turn if we have to.
Also, are they glistening or sweating?
VYXSIN: Stay calm for me. You’ve got to get it together. You’re moving like a turtle. Everyone is beating us.
Vyxsin is the calm one in this moment? Yikes.
– Jet & Cord complete the Detour in sixth. Jet hopes he is not U-Turned. Ron & Christina are also concerned.
– Ron & Christina, Zev & Justin, and Kisha & Jen all run out of the cab into what they think is the Yunnan Cultural Center.
With Christina’s fluent Mandarin, they can’t lose.
JUSTIN: No need to get dirty here. We’re in the front.
“We could slow down to walking speed with how big our lead is right now!”
– Christina is confused. Then it hits her.
JUSTIN: Want to show somebody?
CHRISTINA: No. C’mon daddy. He got the wrong one.
Well yeah. This is a cultural center full of zombies.
Christina is ready to teach this guy a lesson.
I love how ashamed Zev, Justin, and Kisha are about their strategy to hug Christina’s coattails since the start of the round.
CHRISTINA: He brought us to the wrong place.
“It’s happening all over again! Jen, don’t drink any more water for the rest of the day!”
ZEV: This is not good.
Justin is disgusted.
– Kisha hopes the solar people didn’t get to the U-Turn board first.
– A very loud gong plays as Kisha & Jen’s best friends show up to the Double U-Turn.
“Is Amanda & Kris’ picture in there?”
“Oh, you mean Amanda & Kris are already out? When? We didn’t even notice. Okay, guess we won’t U-Turn anyone.”
– Margie & Luke choose not to U-Turn anyone because they are in first place. They read that they must head outside of Kunming to the Stone Forest.
I love how the lady on the wall near the U-Turn board has such a non-chalant expression as if using the U-Turn is no biggie.
– Kent & Vyxsin are done in seventh.
VYXSIN: We have a chance at U-Turning somebody if we haven’t already been U-Turned ourselves.
Considering you U-Turned Nic & Don who were already ahead of you back in TAR 12, you guys could step up your game by U-Turning Lisa & Joni who aren’t even playing in this season.
“We get it, Logan. We’ve heard that joke before.”
– Gary & Mallory submit their order. Is it correct? Yep.
“Do I get to keep the dolls?”
Shawn is going to be so jealous.
– Mallory reads that the Double U-Turn is ahead.
Mallory is nervous. That’s the life of a team that constantly yo-yos their position every single round.
– Flight Time & Big Easy finish the Detour in dead last.
– Jet & Cord, Kent & Vyxsin, and Jaime & Cara all pull over pretty much simultaneously. Jet & Cord take off on their own.
KENT (Southern accent): Show da guy! Show da guy!
(DA GUY points in a different direction.)
There has not been much distance between Kent & Vyxsin and Jaime & Cara since they entered Kunming.
– Jet & Cord are second to the U-Turn board.
Jet & Cord may be full of double standards and hypocrisy, but not in this moment.
– Kent & Vyxsin run by Jet & Cord in the opposite direction.
KENT: Did you find it?
CORD: Should we tell them?
Again, it’s like Kent & Vyxsin and Jaime & Cara are in this together.
– Jet & Cord point where to go.
CORD: It’s on the left. Just look left.
You don’t even need Christina to translate that.
– Kent whispers something to Vyxsin which is undoubtedly amplified on audio.
That would involve Kent being able to run fast.
Wait. Aren’t there pictures already up on the Double U-Turn board? Somebody in editing screwed up.
This Double U-Turn is much more isolated than its predecessor in TAR 17.
You know, the one where hundreds of people glared at you upon use.
KENT: Here it is. Get on there. Come here Vyxsin right now! We’re the first two here!
Well, Kent has to check to make sure Vyxsin’s foot is on there. Cara would have easily won if she was willing to sprint past Vyxsin.
This could get awkward fast.
– The two teams discuss who to U-Turn. Jaime has an idea.
NOTE: Kent really wants Jaime & Cara to slip up in this conversation.
Jaime is certain they are behind. It makes sense. Minimal bloodshed.
KENT: Who should we do?
Kent asks Jaime & Cara for advice.
KENT: . . .Then who are y’all gonna do?
Jaime’s brutal honesty makes her the most straightforward person in a U-Turn discussion. It is the absolute worst case scenario for Kent right now. Jaime is too direct for Kent to pretend that he thought Jaime was being deceptive.
Jaime gasps. She realizes Kent has already pasted his own picture on the board. Jaime & Cara may have succeeded in not having to get their hands dirty.
KENT: Hold on.
VYXSIN: Globes. Quick.
VYXSIN: Kent, you don’t know anybody else is behind us!
It is currently three votes to one, but Kent is the one holding the pictures in his hand.
VYXSIN: Kent! Globes!
Vyxsin tries to grab the Globetrotters’ picture. . .
KENT: I got it.
Vyxsin submits to Kent.
KENT: I got to spare them. Sorry. It’s the only way we’re gonna survive it.
VYXSIN: Sorry guys.
Dangit, Cara’s hair is in the way.
“Quick! Run! Before it registers in their minds what happened!”
Kent does his trademark wobble to get away.
“Right back at ya.”
This is the first time somebody has done an “In Your Face” U-Turn. It won’t be until TAR 24 that a team will do an “In Your Face” U-Turn again.
– Commercial break. We resume. The whole Double U-Turn scene is re-shown.
– Kent & Vyxsin explain their decision.
VYXSIN: On our first race one of our fatal mistakes was U-Turning a team that turned out to be ahead of us.
The Smart One at work.
The birds disoriented them.
Or they hated Nic & Don so much that they wanted to believe they could U-Turn them out of the race.
Let’s just say they played it smarter this time.
KENT: And I looked over at the redheads and I thought “this is the -one- team I know one hundred percent is behind me. With that automatic penalty, put a bullet in the Playboy Bunny was the only thing that was going to save us.
Kent just admitted to animal cruelty. That ain’t funny, man.
“Feel free to doodle.”
– Vyxsin tells Kent to read it fast. Most likely to avoid being shot by former police officer Jaime.
– Jaime & Cara go with the original plan.
Two seasons with a Double U-Turn thus far. . .
And both have been fully used up. It doesn’t seem to matter whether just five teams remain or a whopping nine teams.
As long as the Double U-Turn keeps being embraced by the other teams, no new twists to it will be added.
When the U-Turn wasn’t embraced in TAR 13, the Blind U-Turn was introduced in TAR 14.
When the Blind U-Turn was ignored in TAR 15 and 16, the Double U-Turn was added for TAR 17.
Keep that in mind for when the next change comes a few seasons down the road.
It looks like Jaime & Cara and Jet & Cord will have some distance between them now.
The hand of God curses thee for their tragic sin.
Although no hand is coming down to praise Jaime & Cara.
CARA: I’m very frustrated Kent & Vyxsin Double U-Turned us, but we can totally overcome this. We can so do this.
Jaime -would- listen to your pep talk Cara, but unfortunately Jaime has no more f-cks left to give.
– Jet & Cord and Kent & Vyxsin try to find somebody who speaks English. They are still parked at the U-Turn sign despite Jaime & Cara already taking off.
– Zev & Justin, Kisha & Jen, and Ron & Christina all find the correct cultural center together. Justin sees the W-Turn board.
JUSTIN: We’re so good, dude.
No caps being shot up Zev & Justin’s ass today.
– Zev & Justin, Gary & Mallory, Kisha & Jen, and Ron & Christina are fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh respectively.
GARY: It’s all used up. Thank God.
KISHA: Thank Jesus.
“Mother of Millie!”
But seriously, this is the first time Mallory has seen a U-Turn board in her TAR career. She must be shocked both spots were used.
It must be a relief to see a Double U-Turn board filled when you get there. No decision making to be made. You can just open the clue and play on.
So much for their linguistic advantage.
Holy crap. Something tells me this round is going to be a close finish for the non-U-Turned teams.
– Kisha & Jen have a taxi driver who knows where to go. The other four teams immediately pile into their cabs screaming ‘follow’.
Yes, even the Cowboys are verbally telling the driver to follow Kisha & Jen’s taxi. I know I may be overdoing it, but I need to eliminate all doubt that Jet & Cord “run their own race” for the casual fans.
JUSTIN: Get in Zev!
ZEV: We don’t know where we’re going.
JUSTIN: We’re following them.
ZEV: . . .Oh.
“How would they know? They don’t speak Chinese.”
– Margie & Luke are also trying to find directions to Stone Forest.
Are things going any better, Margie?
I guess not.
– The person on the phone gives Margie & Luke’s cab driver the right directions.
– Jaime & Cara enter the Tibetan theatre and come up with similar descriptions of the performers.
Yes, even Cara thinks the one performer is Russian. The Gray Russian sounds like the name of a spy during the Cold War.
Cara is going to keep muttering these words after waking up from a coma Mr. Burns style.
– Horror music plays as Flight Time & Big Easy arrive at the Double U-Turn board.
BIG EASY: Huh?
“Why is there a picture of a guy who looks just like me? This is uncanny, Herb.”
BIG EASY: Damn. They U-Turned us.
“You think -we- did that? Oh we wouldn’t do something like that, would we? Tee hee.”
FLIGHT TIME: We’ve got to perform the other task now.
Slow down, Flight Time. I think Big Easy is still trying to comprehend the concept of the U-Turn.
Cheerleaders just popped a cap in your ass. Cap. Meet ass. What’s there not to get?”
FLIGHT TIME: It ain’t over, baby.
Well, it’s been over for a U-Turned team in every single leg that has featured a U-Turn. You’ve got 50/50 odds, Flight Time.
– Cara is nearly complete assembling the order.
Cara loves mnemonics.
– Jaime & Cara call over the judge.
It’s the classic dichotomy of Jaime’s “Neutral Resting Bitch” Face versus Cara’s “C’mon Jaime Don’t Look Like Such a Bitch” Face.
– Jaime & Cara are already done their U-Turn.
– Weird 60s cartoon music plays as Kisha instructs the driver to lose the teams trailing her. The driver succeeds which leads to. . .
KISHA’S LAUGH COUNT: 7
– Zev & Justin are freaking out.
JUSTIN: GO TO THE RIGHT!
ZEV: FOLLOW! FOLLOW!
JUSTIN: YAU MIN!
“No daddy no!
– Justin is kicking himself for leaving Ron & Christina.
– Jaime & Cara are back at the Double U-Turn board and get inside of a taxi to go to Stone Forest.
– The Globetrotters are at the Tibetan theatre.
If this round is a NEL, they need to wear that costume for the remainder of the season.
The performance is over as they recite the nicknames of the performers in the correct order.
BIG EASY: Han. Mop. Scone.
FLIGHT TIME: White. Bucket Head. Her. Red Bell and then Sheep Head.
BIG EASY: That was it.
I hate to be the doll that is nicknamed “Her”.
She also goes by Anne or Egg.
– Flight Time reads where they are going as if they hadn’t already been there just thirty minutes earlier.
Meanwhile Big Easy just wants to bask in Flight Time’s spaghetti angel hair.
– Jaime & Cara are desperately trying to make up time until. . .
JAIME: This is unreal. You’re going to get gas?
“Hey, at least I won’t waste more time by clipping somebody’s sideview mirror.”
JAIME: Can we hurry?
Knowing Jaime’s track record of displaying people skills, Cara has no choice but to get out of the car.
CARA: Get the gas get the gas.
“Before Jaime kicks the ass kicks the ass.”
How so, Jaime? What do China and Hawaii have in common?
Yes. China and Hawaii have so much in common–they both had one person who stopped to fill up on gas with Jaime & Cara in their vehicle.
– Of course, this produces another flattering flashback for Jaime.
JAIME: We’re in a race for a million dollars and you have to stop and get gas?
“Yep. What are you going to do?”
“That’s what I thought.”
– Jaime keeps talking to the driver.
JAIME: It’s a race. Very fast. It’s a race for everyone else but us.
It may be Unfinished Business, but for Jaime & Cara this is the second time they have played the game of Emptied Fuel Tank.
JAIME: Let’s go.
– Globetrotters return to the Double U-Turn board. All nine teams are now en route to the Stone Forest.
– Well, except for Gary & Mallory and Zev & Justin. Both teams are in taxis behind each other and are expressing a great deal of concern.
JUSTIN: We don’t know if the driver has any idea where he’s going, and we’ve been driving for a while.
GARY: Our driver has no clue where he’s going. We’re just following Zev & Justin.
JUSTIN: Gary and Mallory are behind us and they have the luxury of carrying the Express Pass. We’re not in good shape right now.
Ninth place has always been your TAR destiny, Justin.
It’s not a bad strategy if you are Gary & Mallory, though. Hug the coattails of another team for the rest of the round, pull out the Express Pass, and thus your survival shall be guaranteed.
– Kisha & Jen are first to the Stone Forest. This is a big tipoff that both Detour choices must have been easy, and all nine teams are in very close proximities to one another.
Jesus Christ. That would be TAR 130, 000, 000. Who the hell would carry on my work that far in the future?
Would people on the Internet be arguing over whether TAR 75, 787, 000 was better than season TAR 12, 100, 784?
PHIL: In Yunnan Province, palaeontologists have unearthed the oldest and largest dinosaur fossils ever found in China. In this Roadblock, teams will pay homage to all of their painstaking work by putting together a life-sized dinosaur.
The guy is working like a dog to put it together.
Stop mugging for the camera. You can come back as a social media star for TAR 28 you bastard.
Geez. He was celebrating even before he completed the tail on the dinosaur.
PHIL: After choosing a dig site, team members gather a complete set of bones. Using one diagram for reference, they will have to erect a twenty foot replica of a dilophosaurus. They must make sure the dinosaur’s joints are properly in place as they go or a palaeontologist will stop them if their dinosaur is unsafe.
Aren’t all dinosaurs unsafe?
Hasn’t anybody seen any of the Jurassic Park films? You know, the one with Newman from Seinfeld and the guy who looks like Colonel Sanders that died recently?
I wonder if all palaeontologists try to do their best Ross Gellar impression while on the job?
“Look at what you have done to the dilophosaurus–you have humiliated him and his family.”
If it is put together correctly, the palaeontologist will give them their next clue.
In exchange, each team will donate him a new hat.
– Kisha is doing the Roadblock. A cart will take teams to the building site.
A -marked- cart, I should say. Ron & Christina will need to pay attention.
– Ron & Christina are second to the clue box. Christina volunteers as tribute. Margie & Luke are one second behind. Margie is doing the Roadblock.
– Kisha checks out the diagram.
A dilophosaurus? Sigh. I was really hoping for the Dildophosaurus inspired by the Golden Cock Memorial Arch.
The pieces are surprisingly scattered.
If you’re not paying attention, PG will throw one behind when you’re not looking.
– Christina and Margie are both in the field with Kisha.
Christina is stuck with this Roadblock because Ron could not think of any food that could still be edible after 65 million years.
– Ron cheers on Christina in Chinese.
‘Work hard, work hard’ is probably the most stereotypical phrase I could think of for a Chinese father to say to one of his kids.
“Oh, and can I eat the snack that’s in your bag?”
– Margie asks Kisha if little bones go in the front or the back. Kisha answers her honestly. Apparently Margie and Kisha have a working relationship.
– Margie complains of how heavy it is to re-arrange things after she makes a mistake.
MARGIE: Oh man. Why don’t you get a man?
A man, Margie? You want a man to appear to do the Roadblock? Or is that supposed to be a highly inappropriate dig at Kisha’s sexuality? But okay. We’ll get you a man for this task.
KENT: I love dinosaurs!
There you go Margie, a man is doing this Roadblock. Wait, you meant a man with great upper body strength?
Well don’t be so presumptuous that God can comprehend implied information, Margie! A man is what you wanted and a man is what you get.
Jen warms up to Vyxsin. . .
But not without strings attached. Jen immediately digs for gossip.
Miyagi’s inquiring mind would like to know as well.
VYXSIN (waving hands a lot nervously): Um, we have a thirty minute time penalty from our flight. We didn’t mean to lie, but we kind of fudged around the truth of what happened yesterday.
“There was -fudge-?!”
RON: That was a bunch of nonsense. They lie about this penalty and are as phony as can be.
“Especially the part about the fudge. They didn’t really get fudge. . .did they?”
RON: It’s just an arranged kabuki dance and kabuki dancers are known for hiding behind their masks and they hide behind their masks very very well.
I have never heard of kabuki dancers being used as a metaphor until TAR 18, and we’re only five episodes in as both Zev and Ron have referenced these dancers.
That’s what happens when you’re on a season with Kent & Vyxsin, though.
– Kent is waving his arms like it is well choreographed in front of the dilophosaurus sign.
Jen chews her glove when nervous.
– Flight Time & Big Easy’s taxi passes Jaime & Cara.
CARA: It goes to show you that when your taxi driver stops to get gas, time can be really made up.
– Zev & Justin’s driver pulls over on the street. Gary & Mallory follow suit. Justin knows it is not it.
JUSTIN (to the driver): Come here. Look.
JUSTIN: Yeah? You good?
I can’t believe that worked.
– Both teams run back into their cabs.
MALLORY: Follow. Follow. Follow.
Which is quickly becoming Gary’s least favourite word of the day.
If this were an episode of Jeopardy!, this is the part where a commercial would start advertising an over-the-counter pain medicine.
– Jet & Cord are fifth to the Roadblock as Jet decides to do it.
– Christina talks us through the task.
CHRISTINA: Get it in tight. The key was to get the hips on correctly. If the hips were not wedged in correctly then you were basically toast.
Get it right.
Get it tight.
– Kisha is told hers is not safe.
Calm down, Kisha.
– Flight Time & Big Easy are already sixth to the Roadblock. Big Easy is doing it.
FLIGHT TIME: We passed them ol’ dirty redheads.
No relation to any Ol’ Dirty Bastards.
– Jaime & Cara are seventh to the Roadblock. Amazingly enough, both teams are in a great position to survive this leg. An eliminated team on a leg where at least one team is U-Turned may not follow the pattern that has been established for seven seasons.
– Jaime is going to do the Roadblock. Jen calls out her presence.
The toque failed at disguising her hair.
– Zev & Justin and Gary & Mallory finally make it to Stone Forest.
As opposed to a Stoned Forrest.
When you’re in a tie for last place with a team who holds the Express Pass at the final task of the round, you know you are in big heap trouble.
– Gary and Justin are doing this Roadblock. Sorry Zev, but we can’t have you finding two dinosaur tails today.
ZEV: Don’t freak out. Please.
JUSTIN: As long as we don’t see Globetrotters or Jaime & Cara, we’re okay.
You mean him. . .
CHRISTINA: I don’t know what’s not safe about mine.
“Maybe if I reach into the dinosaur’s ass, I can figure it out.”
The only reason an elementary school teacher could show this episode in the classroom–”see? You kids learned about the Dilophosaurus today! Jimmy don’t laugh at the name!”
– Everyone else keeps working.
Why is Jaime having a tough time with this?
Aren’t Playboy bunnies experts with knowing their way around an old fossil on a regular basis?
CARA: Jaime, you have to lock in the one side.
JAIME: I KNOW! If I could get it I would.
There is nothing left in the tank for Jaime. Too soon?
– Cara yells out to Jaime that everyone is now at the Roadblock.
It wouldn’t be a returnee season without a leg in China where everyone is two feet apart.
MALLORY: Is there anybody not here?
CORD: Nope. Y’all are the last bunch.
“Cause we’re that damn good.”
“Uh, thanks Cord. . .you can uncross your arms now.”
– Gary & Mallory study the field.
“I’m gonna go ahead and take this lil card away from you, Mall.”
Gary has ran marathons, but even this task looks like too much work.
Everyone loves hanging out together.
“We’d love to party with y’all but. . .”
“We’ve got other plans.”
Gary & Mallory only need their sense of smell to detect Luke’s envy.
– Mallory reads that they must make their way back to Kunming and find Green Lake Park.
Green Lake, Phil?
Because I don’t see Stanley Yelnats anywhere.
And they already did a task there during TAR Asia 1. They dug holes for over four damn hours.
PHIL: The last team to check in here -may- be eliminated.
Like producers would use all three NELs in five episodes.
– Gary is impatient with the driver.
MALLORY (correcting him): Please.
Mallory stopped Gary just short of him giving the driver the ol’ Kentucky Shoulder Tap.
MALLORY: After burning that Express Pass, we’ve to get first, okay?
GARY: . . .OK.
“And Millie wants a pony.”
“. . .OK.”
“Nailed it. Daddy looked totally sincere!”
– Christina is having issues with her dinosaur.
How are you failing at this, Christina? Doesn’t the dinosaur speak Chinese?
CHRISTINA: That’s why it wasn’t safe.
It was a hip locking barrier rather than a language barrier. Much more manageable.
– Kent’s dinosaur is rejected. Margie tells the ultra parenting story.
MARGIE: My four year old grandson Brice is a huge dinosaur fan so I am doing this for Brice.
You know seventeen rounds of Margie might be too much when freakin’ Brice gets a shoutout.
MARGIE (starts crying): I am doing this for Brice. . .who I miss terribly.
This is soooooo random. It’s not even Luke’s child.
Let’s be clear: I am not making fun of Margie for bringing up Brice. I am making fun of editors for stretching for material with Margie & Luke to such an extreme that we get an emotional scene involving a kid who loves dinosaurs, and is not even directly connected to a racer.
“A kid who loves dinosaurs? Could I be Margie’s grandson too?”
Brice would be around nine years old now. If he is using the Internet irresponsibly as I expect most kids at that age would (I was a nine year old with Internet access back in the day), then he is probably stumbling across this blog.
So hey Brice! Welcome to the blog. I should let you know that I used to own the first ten Land Before Time films growing up. I agree that dinosaurs do indeed rule! Except for that douchey Mr. Three Horn. That guy is an ass.
And if you are thinking “wow, Logan clearly doesn’t talk to kids much”, you’d be right.
PARENTAL NOTE: If you let your children read this blog, you unquestionably suck as a parent. The end.
– Cowboy theme starts up when Jet finishes the Roadblock. The theme gets cut short as a confrontation occurs involving Flight Time, Vyxsin, and Cara.
FLIGHT TIME: Why’d y’all U-Turn us all though? For real. What’s up with that?
By standing on top of the rock, Flight Time’s (basketball) court is in session.
– Cara starts laughing nervously.
FLIGHT TIME: What’s up with that?
Those hips are going to take a while to re-adjust. They’ve got time.
Flight Time should have been a principal.
CARA: It started there, man. It started there.
Says the person who repeatedly stated “do the Globetrotters and nobody else will be U-Turned. Kick them out!”
FLIGHT TIME: We’re all in the same boat right now.
VYXSIN: We U-Turned them because we have a thirty minute penalty.
FLIGHT TIME: Oh.
“Oh. . .so we’re -not- in the same boat.”
FLIGHT TIME: Okay, as long as we weren’t being mean. That’s all.
VYXSIN: It wasn’t personal.
FLIGHT TIME (jokingly): I think the Redheads were being mean.
This is why I will always say that the Globetrotters and the Cowboys are nothing alike.
When the Cowboys have a move made against them, it’s always “YOU’RE THE WORST, YOU DON’T PLAY FAIR, I HOPE YOU DIE YOU CHEATER, *INSERT OFFENSIVE SLUR HERE*, AND WE’RE THE BEST PEOPLE ON THE PLANET THAT JESUS HIMSELF THINKS WE’RE PERFECT HUMAN BEINGS”.
With Flight Time & Big Easy, either they just find a way to troll the others (Sam & Dan or Mika & Canaan) or let it roll off their backs right away.
CARA: Jaime, you’re doing great!
JAIME (clenched teeth): Leave me alone. (talking as if she is underwater) Leave me alone.
“Argh! Why does she have to be encouraging!”
– Justin’s dinosaur is not considered safe. He starts pushing on the dinosaur and screams in agony.
Somebody needs more fibre in their diet.
The dilophosaurus is now a quadlophosaurus.
It ain’t budging, man.
– Jet & Cord are in the cart as they see Gary & Mallory on the side of the road calling for directions.
JET: GARY! WOOOO.
“What the hell?”
“I wish I still had that Express Pass so I could shove it up their ass.”
First place is slipping away.
And so is Millie’s pony.
– Jet & Cord hop into a cab that was actually their own for once.
– Gary & Mallory realize theirs had already ditched them, but hire a new driver for what sounds like a higher price.
GARY: How much?
MALLORY: How much do you want?
“For my base price in addition to Naive American Tourists Fee. . .”
MALLORY: Fine. Now!
“And the only tip you’re getting is the one you can suck from your dad–oh. Sorry daddy.”
– Gary & Mallory enter their cab. ‘Tis a race for first.
– We head back to the Roadblock.
Justin’s constipation continues to persist.
Or they are kidney stones.
– Yeah, he’s still screaming.
– Zev tells Justin to keep working.
JUSTIN: I can’t get this off, dude.
Can’t get those hips to move the way he wants them to? It is just like Justin’s life whenever he is on the dance floor.
– Justin screams some more.
– Margie demands for a judge to look at her dinosaur.
This might be the start of Margie’s happy dance.
– Margie completes the Roadblock in third place.
Although I wouldn’t touch that clue envelope.
– We cut to Green Lake Park.
Stop feeding the birds. This is getting out of control.
– Jet & Cord and Gary & Mallory are shown running to the mat in a series of cuts. Mallory says she saw a cowboy hat.
– Who will be the first to the pit stop mat?
Other than the pit stop greeter who appears to be the red bell, of course.
FIRST PLACE: JET & CORD
PHIL: I’ve got some more good news for you guys.
Cord is all ears.
PHIL: As the winners of this leg of the race, you have won five thousand dollars EACH.
“AND breakfast in bed.”
Cord doing the usual ‘hat fling’ celebration.
The Zangief pose is a welcome addition.
The hat gets some serious air.
Why is Cord so reckless with his hat? Does he have a dozen of them in his closet at home?
PHIL: You’re gonna love that.
CORD: That’s what I’m screaming.
It’s enough money to buy Louis Vuitton cowboy hats.
SECOND PLACE: GARY & MALLORY
MALLORY: Hey, that’s okay.
“Millie still gets a pony.”
“Uh, about that, Mall. . .”
– We head back to the Stone Forest. Everyone is trying to make adjustments.
Christina resorts to spanking her dinosaur.
This must be easy for Big Easy–he just has to put a model of himself together.
– If you are under the age of eighteen, you cannot watch the following clip of Jaime.
This is not what Jaime had in mind for getting some hard wood.
– Justin is using his ladder to move a piece on his dilophosaurus.
Things are not going well.
– The judges deem Kent’s dinosaur to not be safe.
KENT: This one’s good now.
JUDGE: No no no no.
“Hey Kent, are you a palaeontologist? Then shut the f-ck up.”
VYXSIN:We need to get to that pit stop a full thirty minutes before another team or we’re out of the race.
Good luck with that on a leg like this.
– Kent climbs up the ladder.
KENT (hushed voice): I’ll switch the tail.
VYXSIN: If he can’t get it together, we’re like in so much trouble.
Just need to reach up a bit further.
“Success! I have ahold of the tail!”
“Guys, something feels wobbly.”
It’s the pink and black step attack!
Kent’s hip may be more damaged than the dilophosaurus’.
I don’t think he’s got it together.
– Commercial break. We resume.
– Kent calls over the judges yet again but it is rejected once more.
KENT: Look. It’s done.
“Not until I say it’s done, bitch.”
– Christina catches on to her mistake.
CHRISTINA: Oh god. I’m an idiot.
Only in a well-educated Asian family would a person refer to him or herself as an idiot because they flipped the crux of a dinosaur bone.
– Kent and Kisha both know their problem.
BIG EASY (rocking the dinosaur): There you go. Uh huh.
Big Easy’s problem is much more disturbing.
– Flight Time shouts for Big Easy to do it for the hood–what ward of New Orleans will be promoted this year?
Jaime chooses a more appropriate technique to correct her mistakes.
But she is exhausted.
Dinostyle drained her.
CARA: Oh god. She’s losing it.
Losing what, Cara?
Losing what, Cara?
Didn’t you know?
Palaeontologists are the third most horniest people out of any occupation in the world. Just behind construction workers and video game testers.
– Kent and Christina are close to finishing. Jaime asks for the judge once more.
How this aids the viewer at home is beyond me.
– Jaime attempts to yank out the piece that isn’t safe.
“Just a bit further. . .”
“I got it out!”
No no no no.
Fight it fight it fight it.
This isn’t going to end well.
That piece of wood will not be stable.
I hear soft grass is preferable to break your fall over a ladder.
This is the part where Cara wishes she had done this.
THIRD PLACE: MARGIE & LUKE
Other than the To Be Continued announcement, Margie & Luke haven’t had a mat chat all season. They are shown for a split second celebrating before we’re back to the dinosaurs.
– Kisha’s dilophosaurus is approved.
JEN: YEAHHHHH BUDDY!
That is the most excited I have seen Kisha & Jen all season long.
– Kent finishes the Roadblock in fifth. Vyxsin is proud of him.
– Kisha & Jen make it back to the parking lot.
KISHA: Do you see him?
JEN: I think he left. Our cab left.
Kunming taxi drivers are proving to be a very disloyal group today.
– Flight Time tells Big Easy he is working it out. Justin and Jaime keep making adjustments.
Justin’s kidney stone has passed, and appears to be calmer now.
– Jaime is not doing so well.
She might be exaggerating. If she couldn’t breathe, she’d be dead.
Or would have to change her name to Millie.
– Kent & Vyxsin find their cab, run past Kisha & Jen, and hop in.
Jen’s concern grows.
Kent’s concern decreases.
VYXSIN: We can still be in this thing. It’s just getting over this thirty minute penalty is so nerve-wracking.
I am amazed none of Vyxsin’s hairs have turned white yet this season as the stress of the season has clearly gotten to her.
If they survive, she has to wake up tomorrow and do this all over again.
– Kisha & Jen find a taxi.
– Big Easy puts on the tail of the dinosaur.
Big Easy does not need a ladder. This is the perfect task for tall people.
She knows all about the benefits of a reach advantage.
– Flight Time starts imitating Jadakiss’ laugh as Big Easy asks for a check.
“Suck on these, bitches!”
That’s why they call him Flight Time.
– The screaming and vocal celebration continues.
The Bigeasaurus is too stoked to care about a palaeontologist’s personal space.
This piece of wood is Justin’s only line of defense against the Bigeasaurus.
CARA (mumbling): Sure noisy.
FLIGHT TIME: C’mon baby! DOUBLE U-TURN THAT!
“We’re never going to hear the end of it.”
Jaime doesn’t know what to make of the Globetrotters’ celebration.
CARA: And then there were three.
Unless Big Easy gets so confused by the last clue that he stays in the Stone Forest.
– The Globetrotters are in the cart and keep repeating the words ‘Double U-Turn’.
So much energy to burn that Flight Time smacks his partner in the head with the clue.
– Christina switches out another piece. Jaime tries to do the same.
Gently bring it down and. . .
The way in which the piece controlled Jaime’s movement indicates that her arms are completely dead. There is nothing left. She’ll be lucky to lift a spoon from a cereal bowl.
Charla would have an impossible time with a task like this.
– Kent & Vyxsin sprint onto the mat. The fastest I have seen Kent move today.
TEMPORARILY FOURTH: KENT & VYXSIN
Which is a better position than they were expecting, even though everyone was at the Roadblock together. How did they not figure out their placement beforehand? They even saw Kisha & Jen stuck in the parking lot.
PHIL: As you know, you have to wait out a thirty minute penalty for taking an alternate flight from Tokyo to Kunming.
“A penalty which I have undoubtedly explained to the audience dozens of times already.”
If the penalty eliminates them, they will take a train back to Lijiang and throw themselves off of the Eternal Tower.
PHIL: So I need you to wait out that penalty. Hopefully–
“Move your ass and cross your damn fingers, Kent!”
PHIL: –And hopefully all of the other teams don’t check in before your penalty is over.
“Which will make the season really boring if you guys go, but them’s the breaks.”
– Kent & Vyxsin sit on the grass.
Staring at a watch for thirty minutes is the absolute worst way to pass the time.
– We cut back to the Roadblock.
JUSTIN: I’m starting to get there, I think.
– Jaime repeats that she doesn’t want to go home. Even if she loses this round, she won’t be going home anyway. She and Cara will be taken to Elimination Station.
Silly Jaime forgets stuff like this.
– Christina puts in a piece.
The camera fades out to a. . .
. . .WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!
– We check back in with Kent & Vyxsin’s penalty.
Five minutes later: Vyxsin has given up staring at her watch, but Kent refuses to give up stroking his own hair.
This is what Phil’s downtime looks like at the pit stop mat.
I love it when somebody’s dreams is slowly slipping away.
Reaction to being fifth.
Reaction to being fourth after Phil explains the penalty.
“We went from being middle of the pack to. . .being middle of the pack!”
FOURTH PLACE: KISHA & JEN
KENT: If we’re out of the race today, it’d be such a blow.
VYXSIN: And it’d be so heartbreaking to have to leave right when we’re sorta hitting our stride and getting our game back.
Kent collapsing on a ladder is getting your game back?
– Globetrotters are running around Green Lake to find the pit stop.
It’s like they have fallen down into a catacomb after an avalanche and have been waiting over four days for Search & Rescue. So helpless.
– Phil summons Kent & Vyxsin.
“Us? Maybe he is referring to another Kent & Vyxsin.”
Kent is so excited he trips over his one legs when getting up.
FIFTH PLACE: KENT & VYXSIN
An all too familiar number for them.
VYXSIN: Number five is alive!
KENT & VYXSIN: Yaaaaay!
But a number they have come to embrace.
– Flight Time & Big Easy yell as they run onto the mat.
SIXTH PLACE: FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY
PHIL: Bring it in.
Phil’s suggestion suffocates Herb.
Which is exactly what Phil wanted.
BIG EASY: Double U-Turn that, baby.
Is everything going to be Double U-Turned from now on? Their yogurt in the morning, the way they put on a shirt, or whenever they dunk a basketball? It’ll get old fast.
– Three teams remain and are all at the Roadblock. Christina starts talking to her dinosaur. The palaeontologist approves of her creation.
You know you are becoming delusional when you start speaking to a piece of wood as if it were your pet dog.
– Christina starts crying and is about to kiss the palaeontologist.
Watching a Playboy Bunny undress, and then follow it up by receiving a kiss from a woman who is already taken? This is the most action a palaeontologist has ever gotten on the job.
Ron mocks Christina by acting like the studio audience of a Saved By the Bell episode. Oooooooh.
– Zev points out that now only two remain. Jaime is reaching for the dilophosaurus’ tail.
JAIME: I can’t reach it.
CARA: Jaime, you’re doing great!
ZEV: Don’t give up!
CARA: You’re doing great. Keep your head in it!
(JUSTIN asks for a check but is rejected.)
CARA: Jaime, you’re doing great!
Wow. The same sound byte is being recycled.
Or she’s got amnesia.
– Justin wants to know if his is right.
“I’m over here, motherf–ker. And no, you’re still an idiot.”
“Where the hell did he come from?”
– Justin thinks his issue was having the pieces on the spine slightly out of order.
– Jaime submits her next guess. Will this be it?
“I’ve been behind you in the bushes watching this whole time. I am very very sneaky, sir. Oh, and it’s wrong.”
– Jaime doesn’t know what’s wrong.
– Justin asks for yet another check.
JUSTIN: Reach for it, baby.
After handing out seven clues, the palaeontologist has to reach far into the depths of his crack to pull out only one of two that remain.
“I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!”
“I should’ve tripped Vyxsin on the way to the U-Turn board when I had the chance.”
PALAEONTOLOGIST: Good jobbbb, Justin.
Holy crap. Not only can he talk, but he learned his name too.
– Jaime is fixing the spine.
JAIME: Oh god. This is not happening. I can’t take this whole thing apart. I can’t physically do it.
– Zev & Justin read the clue and head to the cart.
Jaime starts thinking about what could be wrong.
JAIME: Cara. . .
Cara will not want to listen to this.
JAIME: Cara, this board right here would have to come off and be flipped around.
“Which means. . .”
“. . .Phil’s battery in his watch would have to die, leaving Kent & Vyxsin on the sidelines for another hour, and we manage to make it to the mat before Phil realizes what has happened.”
CARA: Now I definitely think we are doomed.
With all six of the teams at the pit stop, and two of the teams already well on their way, I think there is only one way to sum up Jaime & Cara’s situation.
“Peace out, bitches. China still sucks, btw.”
– Serene music plays as we see some birds flying around Green Lake Park.
Running around a park in China would suck–you would have to dodge so many Tai Chi groups while trying to get your morning run in each day.
– Ron & Christina and Zev & Justin’s taxis park almost simultaneously.