The Amazing Race 18 Unfinished Business Episode Five Rankings

Fifth Episode

“Spooky Palaeontologists, Promised Ponies, Streetball, and the Dildophosaurus”

(Episode Blog #265)

COUNTRIES VISITED
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AUSTRALIA – JAPAN – CHINA – INDIA – AUSTRIA – LIECHTENSTEIN – SWITZERLAND – BRAZIL – UNITED STATES

Previously on TAR: Nine teams raced from Tokyo, Japan to Lijiang, China. Dating Goths drove all night and morning missing their required flight the other eight teams took to China.

After taking a later flight, the Goths saw another team at the Roadblock.

Margie & Luke came in first but had no time to celebrate.

With a chance to catch up, Kent & Vyxsin made a potentially fatal mistake. Can the Dating Goths recover and remain in the race?

NOTE: Phil refuses to say how many teams remain, and if one will be eliminated tonight. Is that a first for an episode that is not the premiere or finale? Feel free to enlighten me.

NUMBER OF TIMES MENTIONED IN THE ‘PREVIOUSLY ON TAR’ SEGMENT

AMANDA & KRIS 2
MEL & MIKE 2
GARY & MALLORY 1
JET & CORD 1
RON & CHRISTINA 1
ZEV & JUSTIN 1
JAIME & CARA: 1
KENT & VYXSIN: 1
MARGIE & LUKE: 1

– Intro time.

kunming jaime cara

Jaime is creeping me out.

– We start off with yet another replay of Kent & Vyxsin realizing their fanny pack is gone (it contains their passport and money).

– Finally. Some new footage. Zev & Justin walk onto the mat.

PHIL: Zev & Justin. . .

kunming phil keoghan

“. . .You nearly lost this round to Kent & Vyxsin. How the hell did you manage that?”

kunming zev justin

From 1st-1st-8th appears to be a familiar pattern in returnee seasons.

romber

Thank god these losers didn’t have a potential buffer if the first round was a NEL. David & Mary would still be in the race for leg four, and Rob & Amber would probably beat them to the mat.

Hell, almost everyone can beat David & Mary most of the time.

EIGHTH PLACE: ZEV & JUSTIN

PHIL: You are the eighth team to arrive. You’re still in the race. As a matter of fact, you’re still racing right now.

kunming phil keoghan 2

“Oooooo, what’cha guys gonna do about it? Looking for rest, were you?”

kunming zev justin 2

What is written on this clue are the words “Kent & Vyxsin may still catch up”.

– Zev reads the clue aloud. Teams must take a train back to Kunming, China over 400 miles away. Once there they must find Dounan Flower Market.

kunming smog

Nothing like the morning smog.

kunming flower market

Kunming needs as many flowers and plants to grow as possible to counter the penetrating smog.

– Oh, and one more thing.

ZEV: Warning–A Double U-Turn will appear somewhere in this leg of the race.

 

A train ride to Kunming with Kent & Vyxsin not far behind means Justin knows he is in jeopardy.

Zev, however, maintains the same neutral composure.

kunming phil keoghan 3

“I don’t think Zev’s reaction to the Double U-Turn will make it to the promos.”

– Phil starts yelling at Zev & Justin as they slowly walk away.

PHIL: You better get moving!
JUSTIN: Yeah. We know.
(ZEV & JUSTIN walk even slower.)

kunming zev justin 5

“Who do you think you are, Phil? You’re not my dad.”

kunming zev justin 6

“Pssssh. What an asshole.”

– Kent & Vyxsin are back to where their hellish day was supposed to end.

kunming kent vyxsin

Kent & Vyxsin are currently taking the absolute longest route possible to complete this leg. The RFF stalkers have probably long gone home by this point–except for maybe the guy casually snacking on a rice chip in the corner.

– Kent & Vyxsin walk to the gondola and meet an attendant.

kunming glasses

If he prioritizes finding Kent & Vyxsin’s fanny pack as much as he does properly putting on his glasses, Kent & Vyxsin are screwed.

kunming glasses 2

I am surprised he did not adjust his glasses when he saw two foreigners in pink and black approaching him.

– The attendant tells them to ride the gondola.

kunming kent vyxsin 2

“We found it, but put it on top of the peak of Jade Mountain. Furthermore, you will be racing the twelve animals of the Ancient Zodiac to get to it and prove you are worthy.”

kunming kent vyxsin 3

But if it goes anything like the original race, the kitten will finish in last place once more.

– Kent & Vyxsin enter the gondola. They know what will happen if the passport is not found.

kunming kent vyxsin 4

The most nerve-wracking gondola ride ever.

– Kent & Vyxsin exit the gondola.

KENT: Alright, let’s look. Let’s look–oh! There it is!

 

kunming kent vyxsin 5

kunming kent vyxsin 6

Good eye, Kent. Good eye. Because this isn’t Russia, passports on TAR are relatively easy to locate.

kunming local

The guy who found it for them tries to say ‘hi’, but the Goths ignore him. Why isn’t he putting his hand straight up in the air?

kunming kent vyxsin 7

Because there is a sign which prohibits people from putting their hand up vertically. So sad.

kunming kent vyxsin 8

Kent presents his findings as Vyxsin has an orgasmy ‘oooooh’ on the audio.

kunming kent vyxsin 9

Vyxsin is stunned that they still recovered. Granted she must know she is last with two tasks and a pit stop to go.

kunming kent vyxsin 10

Kent sniffs and kisses his fanny pack.

kunming kent vyxsin 11

“Ah. It smells like Chow Mein.”

VYXSIN: Seriously. There’s some kind of screws loose up here in our minds.

kunming kent vyxsin 12

Which is terrible if you are Kent & Vyxsin. . .

kunming kent vyxsin 13

But wonderful if you are a viewer.

 

Kent & Vyxsin: Screwed as long as screws are loose.

– Margie & Luke are first to the train station.

MARGIE: Finally, we’re first.

Finally? Well, that makes sense considering they won the opening round of TAR 14. Waiting four rounds before winning a leg this season was probably painful for them.

eric suicide

I bet Eric was extremely frustrated by this in TAR 11. Twelve extra legs he had to wait before a victory.

jeremy gene simmons

That’s what happens when this guy can’t be your partner twice.

– Since TAR 6, no team has been able to create a bigger lead for themselves right after being informed it is a To Be Continued leg.

Can Margie & Luke somehow widen the gap with an early train ride?

kunming margie luke

12:01pm? What time does the train leave?kunming margie luke 2

Better luck next time. Even Kent & Vyxsin shall catch up eventually.

kunming margie luke 3

Sorry Luke.

– Ron & Christina show up.

– Kent & Vyxsin know their signs (Kent is a rabbit and Vyxsin is a horse). They celebrate after answering it correctly on their first try.

kunming kent vyxsn 16

For the first time in this whole round, a task has gone smoothly for Kent & Vyxsin.

– They open up the Detour clue.

VYXSIN: Hammer.
KENT: What about Horn?
VYXSIN: I don’t want to have to navigate.

kunming kent vyxsin 17

Vyxsin knows her weaknesses. That may be the smartest decision she has made all round.

VYXSIN: We are unimaginably behind the other teams.

No kidding. It’s amazing how Kent & Vyxsin have been against every single element the race has thrown at them over the past 36 hours.

kunming kent vyxsin 19

They fight and bite. They fight and bite and fight. Fight fight fight. Bite bite bite. Kent & Vyxsin’s Disastrous Leg!

kunming kent vyxsin 18

Finally, they are having fun.

KENT: We’re killing these tasks, man. We’re doing good.

Wow. Kent is speaking way too soon. Are you really killing the tasks, Kent? You mean all two of them?

– Kent & Vyxsin receive their next clue.

kunming kent vyxsin 21

Kent & Vyxsin are officially done. Back to work you lazy teenagers!

– Kent & Vyxsin now take turns threatening to commit suicide.

VYXSIN: I sorta feel like jumping off the edge right now.
KENT: If we get eliminated I am -gonna- jump off some building.

kunming eternal tower

Why not make it this one? Although committing suicide at a place called the Eternal Tower may be an ironic twist.

LAST PLACE: KENT & VYXSIN

kunming kent vyxsin 22

There is no way they can be shocked by this.

PHIL: Kent & Vyxsin, you’re the last team to arrive.

kunming kent vyxsin 23

I love how neither of them refuse to look up at Phil. Kent has even chosen to close his eyes and refuses to open them until Phil’s next statement.

It’s like he is trying to avoid watching the scary part of a horror movie.

kunming phil keoghan 4

“They won’t look at me. Maybe the wife is right. . .maybe it is time to consult my doctor about botox.”

PHIL: . . . .But there is some good news. You’re still racing.

kunming kent vyxsin 24

You would think Phil is dangling a newborn puppy in front of Vyxsin.

PHIL: Here’s your next clue.

kunming phil keoghan 5

“For the next leg of the race, we have included a map of Kunming inside of this clue, and you will also be able to pick up Tammy & Victor at the train station to accompany you for the remainder of the round. I hear they may or may not speak the local language.”

kunming kent vyxsin 25

Even for a To Be Continued stunt, Kent & Vyxsin look too surprised. I feel like I am missing something.

kunming kent vyxsin 26

Kent is very delighted.

kunming kent vyxsin 27

Vyxsin is flabbergasted by this opportunity. I bet she was not expecting a second NEL in the first four rounds of play. It has never happened in TAR US before.

PHIL: I do have to tell you some bad news.

kunming kent vyxsin 28

That’s one way to kill their Keep on Racing boner.

Do you know what the bad news could be?
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Want me to give you a hint?
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Well, they are going to encounter something on the next leg of the race.
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It’s not a Handikap.
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It’s not going to be the first ever Speed Bump following a Keep on Racing leg.
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It’s going to be the biggest NEL penalty they will ever face.
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Taking away all of your possessions? That’s child’s play.
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Marked for Elimination? Nah, we can do better than that, bro.
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Jet & Cord didn’t have to do anything because, well, producers have a hard-on for yellow lights, gravy, and their bitter attitudes, but they do not feel the same way about Kent & Vyxsin.
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Kent & Vyxsin must overcome the biggest challenge of all time if they want to stay alive in this race.
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It’s. . .
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It’s. . .
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john cena

JOHN CENA 2

HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS! IT JUST GOT REAL!

If you thought having nine teams still in play heading into round five was a bit much, we now get an army of one in the form of John Cena.

If Kent & Vyxsin cannot beat John Cena during this round, they will be eliminated. Even if they finish this leg before all other teams.

– Okay. Phil informs them of their “decision”.

PHIL: You chose to take the alternate flight from Tokyo to Kunming. It specifically told you what flights you were allowed to take. For that you have incurred a thirty minute penalty and will need to wait that out before I take you into the next pit stop.

Phil really needed to put air quotes around the word “chose”.

VYXSIN: Thank you for this next clue, Phil.

Yep. He made the decision to make it another Keep on Racing leg unilaterally.

kunming kent vyxsin 29

Vyxsin is nervous about the Double U-Turn. If it was a regular U-Turn, they wouldn’t have to worry since only the threats would be U-Turned.

However, a Double U-Turn means the first team being U-Turned will just use it against a team they -know- will be right behind them.

kunming u turn 18

Unless, ironically, you are Kent & Vyxsin.

Is it unprecedented for a team to receive penalty on a current leg, and have it not be applied until the END of the following one? In all other cases, the penalty was either assessed right there on the mat or at the START of the next leg.

I guess producers wanted to make it fair since this round was a NEL, and Kent & Vyxsin will join up with everybody at the train station.

kunming kent vyxsin 30

Well, unless Kent & Vyxsin screw up travelling to Kunming as much as they did last episode, and are forced to take an “alternate” train.

– Kent & Vyxsin have a cab. They don’t have to self-drive which drastically improves their chances of surviving this round.

KENT: We’re not going to let any other team know anything about this penalty. Everybody would definitely be targeting us for a U-Turn if they knew we had that thirty minute penalty.

kunming kent vyxsin 31

This also brings up another interesting situation we haven’t seen before. Typically everybody and their mother knows when a team has a penalty after Phil officially announces it.

Here it is the first (and only?) opportunity for a team to conceal their own disadvantage during the race even after it is made official.

I am not sure how I feel about this. Shouldn’t teams have all official information presented to them heading into a Double U-Turn? What are your thoughts on this?(POLL QUESTION).

VYXSIN: You’re so smart.

kunming kent vyxsin 32

“One of us has to have the brains in this relationship, darling.”

– We cut to the train station as a stereotypical gong sound effect.

kunming train station

There is seven hours of daylight to kill. What can the teams possibly do to pass the time?

kunming basketball

The Cowboys and Globetrotters are exchanging clothes? They are more progressive than I thought.

kunming big easy hat

If he knew how to shoot proficiently with a gun or ride a horse, Big Easy would have created the Harlem Cowboys.

CORD: All the teams got there, and we’re all sitting around. I knew Flight Time told me he had a basketball.

I wouldn’t have expected Flight Time to bring a basketball onto the race.

CORD: They had a basketball, and I’m like ‘hey, I see a basketball goal’.

kunming basketball 2

A basketball hoop, Cord. It’s called a hoop. How do you not know it is called a hoop?

ncaa basketball oklahoma

And don’t use your “I’m from a small town so I don’t know s–t” crap from you, Cord.  I played NCAA Basketball for the SNES when I was a kid. I know Oklahoma had TWO teams featured in this game, and you have the Oklahoma City Thunder established before TAR 18 in the NBA.

ncaa basketball 3

Not to mention Oklahoma State in this game had the Center named Lark who could score 3-pointers from half court almost all of the time. It is the only thing my brothers and I ever reference about NCAA Basketball for the SNES.

Out of the three or four times we ever played this mediocre sports game during the late 90s, we would always be fighting over who could be Oklahoma State just because of Lark’s inflated stats.

I bet there is a shrine somewhere on campus that is a statue of a big freakin’ bird as a symbol of Oklahoma’s past fictitious greatness.

ncaa basketball

The basketball in the intro is hypnotic.

ncaa basketball 2

This game is what inspired Jaime & Cara to become cheerleaders while growing up.

– Anyways, Jet suggests they play a 3-on-3 pick-up game. It is probably the first real game of basketball Flight Time and Big Easy have ever played.

kunming basketball 3

Presenting to you the starting lineup of the Kunming Killers! JET! FLIGHT TIME! AND KISHA!

kunming basketball 4

And also the Kunming Katerpillars! CORD! JEN! AND BIG EEEEEEEASY!

NOTE: The winner of this game will face off against the current King of the Court.

kunming basketball 5

Presenting our current League Champions: MARSHALL “SLAM DUNK SPECIALIST” HUDES, MEL “THE REBOUNDER” WHITE, AAAAAND CARISSA “BEYOND THE ARC” GAAAAAGHAN!

– The two squads walk out onto the court.

lil bow wow basketball

If CBS had the rights to his music, they would undoubtedly be playing the intro to ‘Basketball’ by Lil Bow Wow.

 

sweden connor jonathan 23

Instead they had to settle for Connor & Jonathan to do an a capella arrangement of “Whoomp! There It Is!”

lil bow wow basketball 2

“It’s not -just- basketball, Logan! It’s Streetball! CHINESE Streetball!”

kunming luke basketball

Initially they had it set up as to who would be Shirts and who would be Skins, but I have a feeling Kisha and Jen may have objected to that.

kunming luke basketball 2

Oh my god. Luke is the “referee”.

I put “referee” in quotations because I know all too well what that was like growing up. I am the youngest sibling by 6-13 years in my family, and growing up with nearly all brothers and their testosterone-fuelled friends, the only role I ever got when they played basketball was “referee”.

“Referee”, of course, being code for “Hey kids, take Logan with you when you go play.”

charlie basketball.jpg

In the series premiere of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Charlie gets stuck with the same role.

I feel for ya, guys.

– Jen won the tip-off against Flight Time. Of course, all of the attention is on the Globetrotters and Cowboys.

kunming jen

WNBA has you in their sights, Jen! You’ll be making five thousand dollars a year in no time!

kunming cord mccoy

Cara is not feeling this game. She does NFL, not NBA!

kunming big easy

Good luck blocking Big Easy’s shot!

JET: Whoever thought we would be playing (“two cowboys!) basketball against the Harlem Globetrotters in China.
CORD: It was like playing basketball with trees.
BIG EASY: We had a good time. Everybody was involved. It was something cool. The race is stressful, and it’s cool to let it all die down.

kunming mallory ervin

Even Mallory gets to be in on the fun!

kunming jaime cara 2

To reflect their performance for most of the season thus far, Jaime & Cara are stuck on the sidelines.

kunming locals

This show ain’t free, folks. You have to pay ten bucks to see the Globies in action.

kunming big easy jet mccoy

This is so symbolic of what will happen later.

kunming flight time jet mccoy

A Cowboy had the ball, but the Globetrotters are responsible for taking it out of their hands.

kunming big easy 2

Nobody likes a show-off, Big Easy.

– Flight Time has the ball and is driving towards the rim.

kunming basketball 6

Flight Time is relying on Kisha to block Big Easy.

kunming cord mccoy 2

That defense isn’t going to work, Cord.

kunming flight time big easy 2

kunming flight time big easy 3

kunming flight time big easy

REJECTED!

Oh, and just in case you can’t get enough of Big Easy stuffing a shot by Jet:

Cowboys never learn their lesson.

kunming big easy jet mccoy 4

Big Easy is going to make you go bring back the basketball each time, Jet.

– I love how even though this is a 3-on-3 game, Kisha & Jen are not only ignored in terms of having a confessional during the game, but neither of the other two teams comment on how Kisha & Jen played at all.

Even when Kisha & Jen latch onto future 3-timers for airtime, producers still find a way to downplay their role. Producers really had no interest in showcasing the Kisha & Jen story this season.

-You know how Big Easy said “everyone was involved”? Well, not everyone. The one team who loves the Globetrotters the most and wears their shirts aren’t even there for the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

kunming zev justin jet

“Where you guys been? You’re missing out on all the fun! Margie and Mallory were taking turns doing handstands, and Christina did an epic drum solo! I wish you guys coulda been here for that!”

kunming justin kanew

“You bastards are playing basketball with the Globetrotters without us?”

– Zev & Justin stand on the edge of the court as they inform everyone else that Kent & Vyxsin were only ten minutes behind them at the Roadblock.

– Mallory says something quietly that editors are urged to subtitle.

kunming zev justin 7

You know you are not wanted when Mallory of all people is the one to heckle you off of the field.

mark mcgwire

Do you want to learn the terrifying truth about the Harlem Globetrotters?

kunming flight time 2

mark mcgwire 3

Or do you want to see them launch more basketballs off the back of their neck?

mark mcgwire 2

“BALLS!”

kunming flight time 3

kunming flight time 4

kunming basketball 8

YEAH!

– Kent & Vyxsin are in a cab. Vyxsin suggests the crazy idea that maybe there will be only one train that leaves the station today. They exit the cab as Vyxsin tells Kent to hurry because she sees teams. Kent reminds her to keep the penalty on the hush.

kunming jaime margie

Jaime and Margie enjoy what could possibly be their last leg of The Amazing Race together. They have never been apart in the past seventeen rounds of their respective racing careers.

kunming cards

Zev missed out on playing basketball with the Globetrotters, but he does get a consolation prize of playing cards with Cord, Luke, Mallory, and Cara.

– Big Easy is still hyped up after the basketball game.

kunming big easy 3

If wearing Cord’s hat from earlier wasn’t enough. . .

kunming big easy 4

. . .Big Easy even steals their bit.

I know I promised to keep track of every time the Cowboys said ‘oh my gravy’, but just because. . .

BIG EASY’S OH MY GRAVY COUNT: 1

– Cara sighs.

JET: They’re going to have some explaining to do.

Okay, Ricky.

– Kent & Vyxsin greet the teams.

kunming kent vyxsin 33

“Hi, friends!”

kunming cara mallory

“dafuq you doin’ here?”

kunming vyxsin fiala

“It’s so gooood to be here with my favourite people.”

– Immediately they ask about what happened.

KENT: It was all in Japan. Our car broke down on the highway to the airport.
(Blunder sound effect as Luke makes a “That’s BS” gesture for the camera.)

Wow. This definitely didn’t happen. For two reasons. . .

a) Luke is deaf. Therefore, he cannot hear what Kent is saying and would be unable to know his story is BS.
b) Even if Luke has since become proficient at reading lips, he would have to be FACING Kent to know what he is saying.

Reaction shots are typically the most edited part about Survivor because it makes for great TV, and TAR is no exception to this.

It’s something that a casual viewer doesn’t think about at home, but if you stop and analyze the situation, this is a great example of “wow, this had to be taken out of context”.

MALLORY: Did they give you a penalty or anything?
VYXSIN: We still don’t know what they’re going to do.

kunming vyxsin fiala 2

Wow. Vyxsin is a much better liar than Kent. Remember when Kent tried lying to Justin last leg? Yeah, Vyxsin needs to do the talking.

Just like how Flo is a much better liar than Zach.

 

Although everyone is skeptical regardless.

KENT: The sharks were swirling around. It was funny. ‘Hi how are ya? What’s your penalty?’

kunming kent vyxsin 34

craig david

Which ranks just below ‘hi how are ya? Tell me what’s your flavour?”

Well, nobody had missed a -required- flight before either, Kent. I would be curious too.

And if the car had broken down, we all know that no time credit is given for this unlucky situation.

– Justin and Kisha discuss what they just heard. He has the most appropriate response of all.

kunming  justin kisha hoffman

kunming kent vyxsin 35

Who knew outright lies were hard to believe?

JUSTIN: It’s just rules are rules, you know? We’ll see.

– Jet says something, but I don’t care.

– Everyone boards the night train together.

Do you know what’s hilarious for Kisha & Jen, Margie & Luke, and Jaime & Cara? In just 1 1/2 seasons, this is their fifth leg in China.

Furthermore, their first China leg did not occur until round nine of TAR 14. Rounds nine, ten, and eleven all took place there last season.

This means that five of their past eight rounds of play have been within China’s borders. If you are Kisha & Jen, it is actually five out of seven.

china rush.jpg

They were better off signing up for China Rush.

– Anyways, the train is peculiar.

BIG EASY: It’s the first time I have seen three beds stacked on top of each other.

kunming big easy 5

Nothing in Asia thus far has been designed for Big Easy.

kunming flight time big easy 4

Big Easy may want to switch to the second bunk to avoid staring at Flight Time’s ass for the next ten hours. Flight Time thought now was the best time to play Twister.

kunming big easy 6

I would pay Big Easy twenty bucks to stomp on the top bunk bed just to see if he could fall through three layers of bedding on a train.

kunming zev justin 8

Zev & Justin are stuck on the top bunk bed and get the Oompa Loompa Goose Dump Camera perspective.

ZEV: We got stuck all the way on the top bunk.
JUSTIN: The good thing about being on the top bunk of a triple decker is that–
ZEV: There’s less chance of murder.
JUSTIN: Yeah. I feel like any murder on the bottom bunk or the middle bunk. Tell our families we love them very much.

kunming zev justin 9

Zev is accepting his fate already.

kunming train

But the door is locked. I can’t think of any genre of murder mysteries that involves a Chinese room being locked.

– We skip to the end of the train ride. It’s 5:30am. Everyone knows today is what counts. Kisha laughs after Jen says what time it is.

KISHA’S LAUGH COUNT: 6

Jen refused to hire their driver until the high five was completed, by the way.

kunming kisha jen hoffman

The driver studies the hand intently.

kunming kisha jen hoffman 2

The driver figures out the Western script, and completes the high five.

– Ron & Christina speak Chinese.

kunming driver

The driver reads the subtitles on screen to confirm the translation.

kunming driver 2

I forgot how much more polite other languages are that don’t involve saying the word ‘sorry’ a trillion times.

CHRISTINA: Speaking Chinese, we have home court advantage now.

Now?! You mean not like all of last episode when you wouldn’t shut up about it non-stop or before in Japan where you spoke Japanese too?

Jesus.

kunming ron christina hsu

At least we get Smug Miyagi out of it.

– Justin points out that Ron & Christina probably know where they are going because they speak Chinese. They continue to follow their cab.

– Cara says it is a big day because of the Double U-Turn. Vyxsin echoes the same thoughts.

– Everyone is communicating their taxi for them to wait.

kunming flowers

Let it be known that unlike the general population of Kunmingers, I would NOT be going out to a flower market by 5:30 in the morning. . .or ever.

– Kisha commands Jen to grab the clue and move out of the way.

kunming kisha jen hoffman 3

Kisha & Jen were U-Turned out of the race in China last time–they want to build any lead they can get to avoid that today.

For some reason, editors have only inserted one China flashback for Kisha & Jen–the altercation with Luke.

– They read that they must make their way to the Golden Arch.

PHIL: Teams must make their way to the Golden Horse and Jade Cock Memorial Arch.

Yeah. I can get why producers just typed “Golden Arch” into the clue.

kunming arc

“Teams must find the Golden Cock! Wait. We need to rephrase that.”

kunming golden arch 2

Leave it to a group of middle-aged women to gather in front of an arch and look at a giant cock for their morning Tai Chi ritual.

archer phrasing

It’s all about phrasing.

– Zev & Justin are second to the clue box followed by Ron & Christina.

CHRISTINA: In Chinese it’s. . .

kunming ron christina hsu 2

I can’t wait for them to get out of China.

– Zev & Justin are standing still as they wait for Ron & Christina to walk towards them.

JUSTIN: Can we come with you guys?
CHRISTINA: Sure.

kunming dounan flower market

If only Ron & Christina were willing to downplay their knowledge of the language a bit more.

– Margie & Luke are fourth. Margie reads the full clue. Good ol’ Jade Cock Memorial.

– Gary shouts at Mallory to hustle. All of the other teams have shown up.

– Jaime & Cara are fifth. Kent & Vyxsin are sixth. Jet says the word ‘cock’ in seventh. Gary & Mallory are eighth.

kunming jaime edmundson

The hand sticking out of the flowers must be creeping Jaime out.

kunming jaime cara 3

A man emerges and reads the clue with them.

kunming flower sign

Does anybody know what a Sereet is?

– The Globetrotters are in the wrong area and backtrack.

– Jet & Cord nearly steal Gary & Mallory’s taxi.

GARY: This is us.
CORD: This y’alls cab?
GARY: Yeah.
(JET and CORD run over to another taxi.)
JET: We got somebody’s cab. Somebody’s just standing there trying to find a cab.

Remember that time when all of the casual fans went beserk at the end of TAR Canada 3 because Nick & Matt and the VoldeMussolinis kept taking everyone else’s taxis in Edmonton, and crying that it was unfair?

kunming jet mccoy

Well, where were all of the casual fans to complain about this?

kunming flight time 5

“Is it just me or does it feel like something is missing here?”

– Globetrotters conclude somebody took their cab like it was a Chinese fanny pack.

BIG EASY: Taxi. Taxi.
FLIGHT TIME: Taxi. Taxi.
BIG EASY: Taxi.
FLIGHT TIME: Taxi. This bad. Taxi.
BIG EASY: Taxi.
FLIGHT TIME: Taxi. This bad, Nate.

– Commercial break. We resume. Globetrotters find a taxi.

kunming flight time big easy 5

Something tells me they wish they could have just deflected the basketball directly into Jet’s face.

– Ron & Christina are first to the clue box with Zev & Justin right behind them. It’s a Detour.

CHRISTINA: Honour the Past or Embrace the Future.

Screw the present.

PHIL: China is the world’s fastest growing nation.

kunming landscape

And with the One Child Policy officially revoked as of the end of 2015, we can only imagine how much more it will grow now.

PHIL: . . .But its people also work hard to preserve its unique cultural history.

kunming phil keoghan 7

It’s like a spotlight is shining onto him.

– In Honour the Past, teams must watch a traditional Tibetan performance (since when did China try to help preserve Tibet is beyond me) while testing their powers of perception and memory.

Without taking any notes, they must go inside the theatre curtain and place a set of fifteen dolls representing the fifteen characters of the show, into the same order that the performers appeared on stage.

When the dolls stand correctly, teams will receive their next clue.

kunming honour past

I wonder if teams will have to dress up in costume as well? That has been the trend for this season.

kunming curtain

The almighty curtain.

kunming dolls

I expect some Mr. Bean antics with the dolls like it was Christmas.

kunming dolls 2

Aren’t you just a doll. . .oh wait.

kunming dolls 3

The Tibetan Barbie line is highly anticipated.

kunming dolls 4

I didn’t know Siberia was apart of Tibet!

kunming dolls 6

“But I am your daughter!”

kunming dolls 7

They could make a ton of dolls and have eleven of them resemble each of the pit stop greeters as the final memory challenge of the season.

kunming man

He gets the most badass costume of them all.

– In Embrace the Future, teams must offload a complete solar water heating system, carry it to a building, and install it properly on the roof.

kunming pollution

And you thought China was doing nothing to solve their pollution crisis.

kunming truck

I love how there is only three of them in that truck. A truck which is very capable of holding far more heating systems than just three.

kunming building

I will love producers if the elevator is broken. Especially if Mel was still in the race.

– When all of the solar heating tubes are placed correctly, they will receive the clue.

kunming phil keoghan 8

If a couple of Americans can figure out how to install it within an hour or two, it makes you re-think why you pay these guys fifty bucks an hour to install it.

kunming ron christina hsu 3

Ron is sad that neither task involves eating.

CHRISTINA: We’re going to Honour the Past.
JUSTIN: We’re going to go where they go.

kunming justin kanew 3

What would be great is if Ron decides to stop for food from his childhood three or four times just to troll Justin.

– Margie & Luke are third to the Cock. They choose to go to Embrace the Future because it sounds easier.

– Kisha & Jen are fourth to the clue box.

– Kent & Vyxsin, Gary & Mallory, and Jet & Cord are dropped off at the Golden Arches.

kunming mcdonalds

Could it be?

kunming mcdonalds 2

It’s the Golden Arches! Wow. Even in China they know what the golden arches means.

– Everyone catches on as to why they were dropped off there.

kunming jet cord mccoy

You don’t even have to worry about Hours of Operation! It’s open twenty-four hours per day!

– Guess who is next to the correct arch in fifth?

kunming flight time big easy 6

The team that had their cab stolen. . .which is what I assume is what fans of TARC 3 wanted to have happen at the end of the Edmonton leg.

– Globetrotters re-enter the cab.

FLIGHT TIME: Do you know? Do you know the place?
DRIVER: . . .

kunming driver 3

kunming flight time big easy 7

They do not feel reassured.

– Justin asks Ron & Christina if they are making their driver wait.

CHRISTINA:  Yeah, just say (waving arms) “Duhhheh”.
JUSTIN (laughing): Say what?

kunming christina hsu

“And if you want to ask him where the bathroom is, say ‘fuk-oof-old-mon’.”

kunming justin kanew 4

“Yeah, I’m not going to fall for that. Nice try, Christina.”

– Ron & Christina and Zev & Justin enter the theatre space.

kunming ron hsu

AND THEY HAVE TO WEAR COSTUMES!!!! I was only joking earlier because of how often they have had to wear silly costumes in the first four rounds. It didn’t cross my mind that it was actually going to happen with this task because it seemed unnecessary.

kunming karaoke

Oh, and there’s karaoke once they enter the room. Because, you know, Southeast Asia.

In fact, my fellow university graduate Dan  has traveled around quite a bit in the past few years, and is currently going through Southeast Asia. This is the part where I was going to show a giant photo he took recently of a tall building that says KARAOKE in giant letters across the top for his travel blog, but Dan never got back to me before I finished this post. However, once I get his permission, the photo he took will be edited in.

But yeah, Southeast Asia sure loves karaoke.

kunming zev justin 10

BERTRAM & ELISE: You want a second shot at The Amazing Race? Do you have some Unfinished Business? Fine, you’re on. Know that you and twenty others will wear what we tell you to wear no matter what. The world is our house. It doesn’t matter whether you’re in Australia, China, Japan. . .or China again. You are our BITCH. We bark when we tell you to bark, you sit when we tell you to sit, and when we ask you to jump, you say ‘how high’? Don’t you EVER forget that.

kunming mask

Who knew Tibetans watched TAR 24?

– Margie has found the Great Wall of China Building where the other Detour is taking place. They have to bring three boxes to the top. Margie and Luke each put a box on their back.

MARGIE: These are really heavy.

And that’s coming from the Bionic Woman.

kunming luke adams 3

That’s one way to ruin your posture.

kunming luke adams 4

AND they have to take the stairs! Yes! There is a god.

– Luke turns to see that Margie is having trouble getting through the doorway to the first flight of stairs.

LUKE: Mama–

kunming margie adams 3

kunming margie adams

Who dare speak to me?

MARGIE: I’M TRYING!

kunming margie adams 2

MARGIE HAS STRUGGLED WITH LIFTING SOLAR WATER HEATING EQUIPMENT HER WHOLE LIFE, AND LUKE IS -YELLING- AT HER! AND THAT’S JUST RUDE!

kunming margie adams 4

This is not her morning.

kunming stairs

If only they had taken the elevator at the beginning.

– The performance is over.

JUSTIN: I’m in trouble here.

kunming zev glassenberg

Zev looks like he is ready to shoot himself. That’s what happens when you have to dress up like you are in that scene from Robin Hood: Men in Tights when all of the characters are in drag at the bow and arrow competition.

RON: I never played with dolls.

kunming ron christina hsu 4

But I bet you played with “action figures”.

– Jaime is getting frustrated that she cannot find The Golden Cock. Finding one probably grants you entry into the Willy Wanka Factory.

– Kent & Vyxsin are together with Jaime & Cara. Jaime & Cara’s driver points out the Golden Arch.

KENT & VYXSIN: The Reds found it.

kunming jaime cara 4

You may have to be a bit more specific in a semi-Communist State, Kent.

– Kent & Vyxsin choose to get “physical” which refers to the Future task.

– Gary & Mallory and Jet & Cord arrive at the Golden Arch in eighth and last respectively.

– Kisha & Jen are at Honour the Past and watch the performance.

– Ron complains everything is a blur as Zev & Justin bicker about the order.

kunming zev justin 11

Heh, sounds Italian.

– They submit their guess.

kunming man 2

Nope.

kunming doll

It wasn’t even a dude that was last.

– Kisha & Jen head behind the curtain.

JEN: Don’t talk. Don’t talk.

I love that Kisha has to be told not to talk twice.

– Margie & Luke begin assembling on the roof.

– Zev & Justin figure out who was wrong. Ron & Christina’s first guess is rejected.

– Zev & Justin’s second guess is approved. The Chinese Riff plays as Justin reads that they must go to the place that the photo enclosed in their clue is showcasing.

Caution: Double U-Turn ahead.

kunming heritage

Oddly enough, I believe the last time a photographed clue appeared in TAR was during Zev & Justin’s elimination round in Cambodia.

kunming phil keoghan 9

Phil does his job of explaining the Double U-Turn once again.

– Kisha & Jen are correct on the first try and leap to 2nd place. Justin hands their photograph to a bunch of locals. Somebody recognizes the photo for Kisha & Jen.

KISHA & JEN: Can you take us there? In a cab?

kunming kisha jen hoffman 4

It might be a ‘no’.

kunming kisha jen hoffman 5

More gestures but nothing is working.

KISHA: We need Christina and Ron.

kunming ron christina hsu 5

“This was our plan all along. How long are they willing to wait?”

– Christina submits their guess.

kunming christina hsu 2

It’s right.

Christina is so relieved her hat falls off.

– Ron & Christina are out on the streets.

CHRISTINA: They’re still here!

kunming zev justin kisha jen

Correct me if I’m wrong, but Kisha & Jen and Zev & Justin have been working together near the top of the leaderboard in almost every leg thus far.
Ron & Christina have been flexible with coalitions. They are making a lot of fans.

– Christina knows exactly where they are going. The other two cabs follow her.

– Speaking of following, or lack thereof, the Globetrotters have no one to follow for once.

kunming flight time big easy 8

Which means they get stuck rather quickly. The taxi driver is done asking for directions and presumably knows where to go.

– Jaime & Cara work together to lift up one box at a time. There is a lot of panting.

kunming jaime edmundson 3

That is a big box for Jaime to handle.

kunming jaime cara 5

I love the pink Nike swoosh.

kunming jaime cara 6

They probably wish they had done the other side of the Detour at this point.

kunming jaime edmundson 4

Any labour job would force Jaime to tie her hair back.  Heck, even at my job I am required to tie my hair back. That’s a technical foul, Jaime.

– Kent & Vyxsin try working together. Vyxsin is taking lead.

VYXSIN: Kent. Just go. This isn’t rocket science. Just walk.

kunming kent vyxsin 36

“You mean jump up and down in the same spot?”

Hard labour jobs and walking up steps was never Kent’s thing in TAR 12 either. Vyxsin is even taking the harder job of being backwards.

– Margie & Luke complete the task. They are currently in fourth. Luke runs by Kent & Vyxsin down the stairs.

VYXSIN: Kent just–there’s other teams. C’mon.

kunming kent vyxsin 37

VYXSIN: Go! Move your ass. There’s a race for a million dollars and you won’t go up some stairs.

kunming kent vyxsin 38

He may be the smart one, but not the agile and strong one.

kunming kent kaliber

He even puts his arm out like it’s a runway show.

– Jet & Cord are at the Great Wall Building. Kent is struggling to put a tube in.

KENT: I can’t get this in. It’s stuck.
VYXSIN: Because you’re doing my job. Hold this.

kunming kent kaliber 2

Ladies and gentlemen, The Smart One.

kunming kent kaliber 3

Correction: Ladies and gentlemen, The Soon To Be Dead One.

kunming jaime cara 8

Jaime & Cara decide to do a Tandem Farmers Walk on the other two boxes.

– Kent holds one tube out for Vyxsin.

KENT: Here’s one.
VYXSIN: Okay. Put it in.
KENT: I can’t. Both of my hands are full.
VYXSIN: Kent just put it in.

kunming kent kaliber 4

Maybe their relationship didn’t last because Kent couldn’t put anything into a tight space unless he could use his own hands to guide it.

You got to learn how to go Hands Free, buddy.

– They finish the first box.

VYXSIN: Okay Kent. Let’s head back down.

kunming kent kaliber 5

“You mean there’s -two- more boxes?”

– Gary & Mallory enter the Tibetan theatre. Kent & Vyxsin are attempting to carry two boxes stacked on top of one another.

KENT: Wait. Wait. Waaaait. I can’t do it.

kunming kent kaliber 6

Lift with your knees, Kent!

– Jet & Cord pass Kent & Vyxsin with the Farmers Walk technique.

VYXSIN: Help me.
KENT: Wait. Look. They’ve got a good way to do it.
VYXSIN: Push. I can’t do this by myself.

kunming kent kaliber 7

Of course, copying Jet & Cord’s technique would mean Kent would have to lift half a box in each hand. He is using both hands and he doesn’t have any strength left to lift it. Kent is looking more like C. Montgomery Burns with his feebleness.

– Gary & Mallory finish watching the performance at the Tibetan theatre.

kunming gary ervin

“This is sooooo much fun, Mall.”

kunming dolls 11

“Nothing like studying costumes at six o’ clock in the morning, Mall.”

kunming mallory ervin 2

“Oh my gosh!”

kunming mallory ervin 3

“I get to play with the dolls now!”

kunming gary mallory ervin

“Her name is Betsy. . .”

kunming gary mallory ervin 2

“This one is Millie–she doesn’t like Betsy because because because Millie put gum in Betsy’s hair back in the third grade cause they were fighting over a boy.”

kunming gary mallory ervin 3

MALLORY: And Daddy, you can be Steve. . .but you CAN’T be Millie. Because I’M Millie!
GARY: Mall, we’re kind of in a race–
MALLORY: You’re Steve!
GARY: Oh, uh. . .*starts speaking in a deeper voice* ‘hi Millie, how was school today?’
MALLORY (squeakier voice): Oh, it was okay, I guess. The teacher was really mean to me. She gave me LOTS of homework.

– Flight Time & Big Easy show up to the tubular heating area.

kunming flight time 6

Note to self: Flight Time has a stronger upper body than Kent.

KENT: Stop! I’m tipping!

kunming kent vyxsin 39

Vyxsin is -not- lifting with her knees.

 

kunming jaime cara 9

kunming jaime cara 10

Jaime & Cara successfully avoid getting their tubes tied. Instead, the tubes are all aligned perfectly straight.

– Jaime & Cara finish the Detour in fifth place.

JAIME: We will U-Turn if we have to.

kunming jaime cara 11

Also, are they glistening or sweating?
VYXSIN: Stay calm for me. You’ve got to get it together. You’re moving like a turtle. Everyone is beating us.

Vyxsin is the calm one in this moment? Yikes.

– Jet & Cord complete the Detour in sixth. Jet hopes he is not U-Turned. Ron & Christina are also concerned.

– Ron & Christina, Zev & Justin, and Kisha & Jen all run out of the cab into what they think is the Yunnan Cultural Center.

kunming ron christina hsu 8

With Christina’s fluent Mandarin, they can’t lose.

JUSTIN: No need to get dirty here. We’re in the front.

kunming run

“We could slow down to walking speed with how big our lead is right now!”

– Christina is confused. Then it hits her.

JUSTIN: Want to show somebody?
CHRISTINA: No. C’mon daddy. He got the wrong one.

 

kunming zombie

kunming zombie 3.jpg

Well yeah. This is a cultural center full of zombies.

kunming christina hsu 4

Christina is ready to teach this guy a lesson.

 

kunming christina hsu 5

kunming christina hsu 6

kunming zev justin kisha

I love how ashamed Zev, Justin, and Kisha are about their strategy to hug Christina’s coattails since the start of the round.

CHRISTINA: He brought us to the wrong place.

kunming kisha hoffman

“It’s happening all over again! Jen, don’t drink any more water for the rest of the day!”

ZEV: This is not good.

kunming justin kanew 5

Justin is disgusted.

– Kisha hopes the solar people didn’t get to the U-Turn board first.

– A very loud gong plays as Kisha & Jen’s best friends show up to the Double U-Turn.

kunming margie luke adams

“Is Amanda & Kris’ picture in there?”

kunming margie luke adams 2

“Oh, you mean Amanda & Kris are already out? When? We didn’t even notice. Okay, guess we won’t U-Turn anyone.”

– Margie & Luke choose not to U-Turn anyone because they are in first place. They read that they must head outside of Kunming to the Stone Forest.

kunming stone forest

Appropriate name.

kunming picture

I love how the lady on the wall near the U-Turn board has such a non-chalant expression as if using the U-Turn is no biggie.

– Kent & Vyxsin are done in seventh.

VYXSIN: We have a chance at U-Turning somebody if we haven’t already been U-Turned ourselves.

kunming kent vyxsin 40

Considering you U-Turned Nic & Don who were already ahead of you back in TAR 12, you guys could step up your game by U-Turning Lisa & Joni who aren’t even playing in this season.

kunming kent vyxsin 41

“We get it, Logan. We’ve heard that joke before.”

– Gary & Mallory submit their order. Is it correct? Yep.

kunming gary mallory ervin 4

“Do I get to keep the dolls?”

kunming gary mallory ervin 5

“Yay!”

Shawn is going to be so jealous.

– Mallory reads that the Double U-Turn is ahead.

kunming gary mallory ervin 6

Mallory is nervous. That’s the life of a team that constantly yo-yos their position every single round.

– Flight Time & Big Easy finish the Detour in dead last.

– Jet & Cord, Kent & Vyxsin, and Jaime & Cara all pull over pretty much simultaneously. Jet & Cord take off on their own.

KENT (Southern accent): Show da guy! Show da guy!
(DA GUY points in a different direction.)

kunming kent vyxsin jaime

There has not been much distance between Kent & Vyxsin and Jaime & Cara since they entered Kunming.

– Jet & Cord are second to the U-Turn board.

kunming jet cord mccoy 2

Jet & Cord may be full of double standards and hypocrisy, but not in this moment.

– Kent & Vyxsin run by Jet & Cord in the opposite direction.

KENT: Did you find it?
CORD: Should we tell them?
JET: Yeah.

kunming jet cord mccoy 3

Again, it’s like Kent & Vyxsin and Jaime & Cara are in this together.

– Jet & Cord point where to go.

CORD: It’s on the left. Just look left.

kunming jet cord kent

You don’t even need Christina to translate that.

– Kent whispers something to Vyxsin which is undoubtedly amplified on audio.

kunming u turn

That would involve Kent being able to run fast.

kunming u turn 2

Wait. Aren’t there pictures already up on the Double U-Turn board? Somebody in editing screwed up.

kunming u turn 3

This Double U-Turn is much more isolated than its predecessor in TAR 17.

dhaka u turn 6

You know, the one where hundreds of people glared at you upon use.

KENT: Here it is. Get on there. Come here Vyxsin right now! We’re the first two here!

kunming u turn 4

Well, Kent has to check to make sure Vyxsin’s foot is on there. Cara would have easily won if she was willing to sprint past Vyxsin.

kunming u turn 5

This could get awkward fast.
– The two teams discuss who to U-Turn. Jaime has an idea.

NOTE: Kent really wants Jaime & Cara to slip up in this conversation.

kunming u turn 6

Jaime is certain they are behind. It makes sense. Minimal bloodshed.

KENT: Who should we do?

kunming u turn 7

Kent asks Jaime & Cara for advice.

kunming u turn 8

KENT: . . .Then who are y’all gonna do?

kunming u turn 9

Jaime’s brutal honesty makes her the most straightforward person in a U-Turn discussion. It is the absolute worst case scenario for Kent right now. Jaime is too direct for Kent to pretend that he thought Jaime was being deceptive.

kunming u turn 10

Jaime gasps. She realizes Kent has already pasted his own picture on the board. Jaime & Cara may have succeeded in not having to get their hands dirty.

KENT: Hold on.
VYXSIN: Globes. Quick.

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VYXSIN: Kent, you don’t know anybody else is behind us!

It is currently three votes to one, but Kent is the one holding the pictures in his hand.

VYXSIN: Kent! Globes!

kunming u turn 12

Vyxsin tries to grab the Globetrotters’ picture. . .

KENT: I got it.

kunming u turn 13

Vyxsin submits to Kent.

KENT: I got to spare them. Sorry. It’s the only way we’re gonna survive it.
VYXSIN: Sorry guys.

kunming kent vyxsin 42

Dangit, Cara’s hair is in the way.

kunming u turn 15

“Quick! Run! Before it registers in their minds what happened!”

kunming kent kaliber 8

Kent does his trademark wobble to get away.

kunming jaime cara 12

“Hey gorgeous.”

kunming jaime cara 13

“Right back at ya.”

kunming jaime cara 14

“Sigh.”

JAIME: Unbelievable.

This is the first time somebody has done an “In Your Face” U-Turn. It won’t be until TAR 24 that a team will do an “In Your Face” U-Turn again.

– Commercial break. We resume. The whole Double U-Turn scene is re-shown.

– Kent & Vyxsin explain their decision.

VYXSIN: On our first race one of our fatal mistakes was U-Turning a team that turned out to be ahead of us.

kunming u turn 17

The Smart One at work.

kunming u turn 16

The birds disoriented them.

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Or they hated Nic & Don so much that they wanted to believe they could U-Turn them out of the race.

nic anger

“That bitch.”

 

Let’s just say they played it smarter this time.

KENT: And I looked over at the redheads and I thought “this is the -one- team I know one hundred percent is behind me. With that automatic penalty, put a bullet in the Playboy Bunny was the only thing that was going to save us.

kunming kent vyxsin 44

Kent just admitted to animal cruelty. That ain’t funny, man.

kunming kent vyxsin 43

“Feel free to doodle.”

– Vyxsin tells Kent to read it fast. Most likely to avoid being shot by former police officer Jaime.

– Jaime & Cara go with the original plan.

kunming jaime cara 15

Two seasons with a Double U-Turn thus far. . .

kunming u turn 19

kunming u turn 20

And both have been fully used up. It doesn’t seem to matter whether just five teams remain or a whopping nine teams.

As long as the Double U-Turn keeps being embraced by the other teams, no new twists to it will be added.

When the U-Turn wasn’t embraced in TAR 13, the Blind U-Turn was introduced in TAR 14.

When the Blind U-Turn was ignored in TAR 15 and 16, the Double U-Turn was added for TAR 17.

Keep that in mind for when the next change comes a few seasons down the road.

kunming jaime jet

It looks like Jaime & Cara and Jet & Cord will have some distance between them now.

kunming kent vyxsin 45

The hand of God curses thee for their tragic sin.

kunming jaime cara 16

Although no hand is coming down to praise Jaime & Cara.

CARA: I’m very frustrated Kent & Vyxsin Double U-Turned us, but we can totally overcome this. We can so do this.

kunming jaime cara 17

Jaime -would- listen to your pep talk Cara, but unfortunately Jaime has no more f-cks left to give.

– Jet & Cord and Kent & Vyxsin try to find somebody who speaks English. They are still parked at the U-Turn sign despite Jaime & Cara already taking off.

– Zev & Justin, Kisha & Jen, and Ron & Christina all find the correct cultural center together. Justin sees the W-Turn board.

JUSTIN: We’re so good, dude.

kunming u turn 21 1.jpg

No caps being shot up Zev & Justin’s ass today.

– Zev & Justin, Gary & Mallory, Kisha & Jen, and Ron & Christina are fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh respectively.

GARY: It’s all used up. Thank God.
KISHA: Thank Jesus.

kunming gary mallory ervin 7

“Mother of Millie!”

But seriously, this is the first time Mallory has seen a U-Turn board in her TAR career. She must be shocked both spots were used.

kunming u turn 22

It must be a relief to see a Double U-Turn board filled when you get there. No decision making to be made. You can just open the clue and play on.

kunming ron christina hsu 9

So much for their linguistic advantage.

kunming crowd 3

Holy crap. Something tells me this round is going to be a close finish for the non-U-Turned teams.

– Kisha & Jen have a taxi driver who knows where to go. The other four teams immediately pile into their cabs screaming ‘follow’.

kunming jet cord mccoy 4

Yes, even the Cowboys are verbally telling the driver to follow Kisha & Jen’s taxi. I know I may be overdoing it, but I need to eliminate all doubt that Jet & Cord “run their own race” for the casual fans.

JUSTIN: Get in Zev!
ZEV: We don’t know where we’re going.
JUSTIN: We’re following them.
ZEV: . . .Oh.

kunming zev justin 12

“How would they know? They don’t speak Chinese.”

– Margie & Luke are also trying to find directions to Stone Forest.

kunming margie luke adams 5

Are things going any better, Margie?

kunming margie luke adams 6

I guess not.

– The person on the phone gives Margie & Luke’s cab driver the right directions.

– Jaime & Cara enter the Tibetan theatre and come up with similar descriptions of the performers.

 

Yes, even Cara thinks the one performer is Russian. The Gray Russian sounds like the name of a spy during the Cold War.

 

Cara is going to keep muttering these words after waking up from a coma Mr. Burns style.

– Horror music plays as Flight Time & Big Easy arrive at the Double U-Turn board.

BIG EASY: Huh?

kunming big easy 7

“wtf?”

kunming flight time big easy 9

“Why is there a picture of a guy who looks just like me? This is uncanny, Herb.”

BIG EASY: Damn. They U-Turned us.

kunming u turn 23

“You think -we- did that? Oh we wouldn’t do something like that, would we? Tee hee.”

FLIGHT TIME: We’ve got to perform the other task now.

kunming flight time big easy 10

Slow down, Flight Time. I think Big Easy is still trying to comprehend the concept of the U-Turn.

u turn weeds 2.jpg

Cheerleaders just popped a cap in your ass. Cap. Meet ass. What’s there not to get?”

FLIGHT TIME: It ain’t over, baby.

Well, it’s been over for a U-Turned team in every single leg that has featured a U-Turn. You’ve got 50/50 odds, Flight Time.

– Cara is nearly complete assembling the order.

 

kunming jaime cara 18

kunming jaime cara 19

Cara loves mnemonics.

– Jaime & Cara call over the judge.

kunming jaime cara 20

It’s the classic dichotomy of Jaime’s “Neutral Resting Bitch” Face versus Cara’s “C’mon Jaime Don’t Look Like Such a Bitch” Face.

– Jaime & Cara are already done their U-Turn.

– Weird 60s cartoon music plays as Kisha instructs the driver to lose the teams trailing her. The driver succeeds which leads to. . .

kunming kisha hoffman 2

KISHA’S LAUGH COUNT: 7

kunming gary mallory ervin 8

“Those bastards.”

– Zev & Justin are freaking out.

JUSTIN: GO TO THE RIGHT!
ZEV: FOLLOW! FOLLOW!
JUSTIN: YAU MIN!

kunming man 3

Uhhhhhh.

kunming zev glassenberg 2

“No daddy no!

– Justin is kicking himself for leaving Ron & Christina.

– Jaime & Cara are back at the Double U-Turn board and get inside of a taxi to go to Stone Forest.

– The Globetrotters are at the Tibetan theatre.

kunming flight time big easy 11

If this round is a NEL, they need to wear that costume for the remainder of the season.

The performance is over as they recite the nicknames of the performers in the correct order.

BIG EASY: Han. Mop. Scone.
FLIGHT TIME: White. Bucket Head. Her. Red Bell and then Sheep Head.
BIG EASY: That was it.

kunming flight time big easy 12

I hate to be the doll that is nicknamed “Her”.

ann veal

She also goes by Anne or Egg.

– Flight Time reads where they are going as if they hadn’t already been there just thirty minutes earlier.

kunming flight time big easy 13

Meanwhile Big Easy just wants to bask in Flight Time’s spaghetti angel hair.

– Jaime & Cara are desperately trying to make up time until. . .

JAIME: This is unreal. You’re going to get gas?

kunming driver 4

“Hey, at least I won’t waste more time by clipping somebody’s sideview mirror.”

JAIME: Can we hurry?

kunming jaime cara 21

Knowing Jaime’s track record of displaying people skills, Cara has no choice but to get out of the car.

CARA: Get the gas get the gas.

kunming cara rosenthal 5

“Before Jaime kicks the ass kicks the ass.”

kunming jaime cara 23

How so, Jaime? What do China and Hawaii have in common?

kunming jaime cara 24

Yes. China and Hawaii have so much in common–they both had one person who stopped to fill up on gas with Jaime & Cara in their vehicle.

– Of course, this produces another flattering flashback for Jaime.

kunming jaime cara 25

JAIME: We’re in a race for a million dollars and you have to stop and get gas?

kunming driver 5

“Yep. What are you going to do?”

kunming jaime cara 26

“That’s what I thought.”

– Jaime keeps talking to the driver.

JAIME: It’s a race. Very fast. It’s a race for everyone else but us.

kunming jaime cara 27

It may be Unfinished Business, but for Jaime & Cara this is the second time they have played the game of Emptied Fuel Tank.

JAIME: Let’s go.

kunming jaime cara 28

“Allez-vous, motherf–ker.”

– Globetrotters return to the Double U-Turn board. All nine teams are now en route to the Stone Forest.

– Well, except for Gary & Mallory and Zev & Justin. Both teams are in taxis behind each other and are expressing a great deal of concern.

JUSTIN: We don’t know if the driver has any idea where he’s going, and we’ve been driving for a while.
GARY: Our driver has no clue where he’s going. We’re just following Zev & Justin.
JUSTIN: Gary and Mallory are behind us and they have the luxury of carrying the Express Pass. We’re not in good shape right now.

kunming justin kanew 6

Ninth place has always been your TAR destiny, Justin.

It’s not a bad strategy if you are Gary & Mallory, though. Hug the coattails of another team for the rest of the round, pull out the Express Pass, and thus your survival shall be guaranteed.

– Kisha & Jen are first to the Stone Forest. This is a big tipoff that both Detour choices must have been easy, and all nine teams are in very close proximities to one another.

kunming roadblock

Jesus Christ. That would be TAR 130, 000, 000. Who the hell would carry on my work that far in the future?

Would people on the Internet be arguing over whether TAR 75, 787, 000 was better than season TAR 12, 100, 784?

PHIL: In Yunnan Province, palaeontologists have unearthed the oldest and largest dinosaur fossils ever found in China. In this Roadblock, teams will pay homage to all of their painstaking work by putting together a life-sized dinosaur.

kunming phil keoghan 10

The guy is working like a dog to put it together.

kunming phil keoghan 11

Stop mugging for the camera. You can come back as a social media star for TAR 28 you bastard.

kunming phil keoghan 12

Geez. He was celebrating even before he completed the tail on the dinosaur.

PHIL: After choosing a dig site, team members gather a complete set of bones. Using one diagram for reference, they will have to erect a twenty foot replica of a dilophosaurus. They must make sure the dinosaur’s joints are properly in place as they go or a palaeontologist will stop them if their dinosaur is unsafe.

Aren’t all dinosaurs unsafe?

jurassic park.jpg

Hasn’t anybody seen any of the Jurassic Park films? You know, the one with Newman from Seinfeld and the guy who looks like Colonel Sanders that died recently?

kunming palaeontologist

ross geller.jpg

I wonder if all palaeontologists try to do their best Ross Gellar impression while on the job?

kunming palaeontologist 2

“Look at what you have done to the dilophosaurus–you have humiliated him and his family.”

If it is put together correctly, the palaeontologist will give them their next clue.

kunming palaeontologist 3

In exchange, each team will donate him a new hat.

– Kisha is doing the Roadblock. A cart will take teams to the building site.

kunming kisha jen hoffman 6

A -marked- cart, I should say. Ron & Christina will need to pay attention.

– Ron & Christina are second to the clue box. Christina volunteers as tribute. Margie & Luke are one second behind. Margie is doing the Roadblock.

– Kisha checks out the diagram.

kunming dinosaur

A dilophosaurus? Sigh. I was really hoping for the Dildophosaurus inspired by the Golden Cock Memorial Arch.

kunming kisha hoffman 3

The pieces are surprisingly scattered.

peih gee.jpg

If you’re not paying attention, PG will throw one behind when you’re not looking.

– Christina and Margie are both in the field with Kisha.

kunming christina hsu 7

Christina is stuck with this Roadblock because Ron could not think of any food that could still be edible after 65 million years.

– Ron cheers on Christina in Chinese.

kunming christina hsu 8

‘Work hard, work hard’ is probably the most stereotypical phrase I could think of for a Chinese father to say to one of his kids.

kunming ron hsu 2

“Oh, and can I eat the snack that’s in your bag?”

– Margie asks Kisha if little bones go in the front or the back. Kisha answers her honestly. Apparently Margie and Kisha have a working relationship.

– Margie complains of how heavy it is to re-arrange things after she makes a mistake.

MARGIE: Oh man. Why don’t you get a man?

kunming margie adams 5

A man, Margie? You want a man to appear to do the Roadblock? Or is that supposed to be a highly inappropriate dig at Kisha’s sexuality? But okay. We’ll get you a man for this task.

KENT: I love dinosaurs!

kunming kent vyxsin 46

There you go Margie, a man is doing this Roadblock. Wait, you meant a man with great upper body strength?

Well don’t be so presumptuous that God can comprehend implied information, Margie! A man is what you wanted and a man is what you get.

kunming jen vyxsin

Jen warms up to Vyxsin. . .

kunming jen vyxsin 2

But not without strings attached. Jen immediately digs for gossip.

kunming ron hsu 3

Miyagi’s inquiring mind would like to know as well.

kunming luke vyxsin.jpg

VYXSIN (waving hands a lot nervously): Um, we have a thirty minute time penalty from our flight. We didn’t mean to lie, but we kind of fudged around the truth of what happened yesterday.

kunming ron hsu 4

“There was -fudge-?!”

RON: That was a bunch of nonsense. They lie about this penalty and are as phony as can be.

kunming ron hsu 5

“Especially the part about the fudge. They didn’t really get fudge. . .did they?”

RON: It’s just an arranged kabuki dance and kabuki dancers are known for hiding behind their masks and they hide behind their masks very very well.

I have never heard of kabuki dancers being used as a metaphor until TAR 18, and we’re only five episodes in as both Zev and Ron have referenced these dancers.

kunming kent kaliber 9

kunming vyxsin fiala 3

That’s what happens when you’re on a season with Kent & Vyxsin, though.

– Kent is waving his arms like it is well choreographed in front of the dilophosaurus sign.

kunming jen vyxsin 3

Jen chews her glove when nervous.

– Flight Time & Big Easy’s taxi passes Jaime & Cara.

CARA: It goes to show you that when your taxi driver stops to get gas, time can be really made up.

kunming jaime cara 29

Such insight.

– Zev & Justin’s driver pulls over on the street. Gary & Mallory follow suit. Justin knows it is not it.

JUSTIN (to the driver): Come here. Look.

 

Stone.

kunming justin kanew 9

JUSTIN: Forest.
(Driver acknowledges.)

JUSTIN: Yeah? You good?

I can’t believe that worked.

– Both teams run back into their cabs.

MALLORY: Follow. Follow. Follow.

kunming gary ervin 2

Which is quickly becoming Gary’s least favourite word of the day.

kunming zev justin 13

ZEV: Gooooooo!

kunming justin kanew 10

If this were an episode of Jeopardy!, this is the part where a commercial would start advertising an over-the-counter pain medicine.

– Jet & Cord are fifth to the Roadblock as Jet decides to do it.

– Christina talks us through the task.

CHRISTINA: Get it in tight. The key was to get the hips on correctly. If the hips were not wedged in correctly then you were basically toast.

kunming kisha hoffman 4

Get it right.

kunming christina hsu 10

Get it tight.

– Kisha is told hers is not safe.

kunming kisha hoffman 5

Calm down, Kisha.

– Flight Time & Big Easy are already sixth to the Roadblock. Big Easy is doing it.

FLIGHT TIME: We passed them ol’ dirty redheads.

ol dirty bastard

No relation to any Ol’ Dirty Bastards.

– Jaime & Cara are seventh to the Roadblock. Amazingly enough, both teams are in a great position to survive this leg. An eliminated team on a leg where at least one team is U-Turned may not follow the pattern that has been established for seven seasons.

– Jaime is going to do the Roadblock. Jen calls out her presence.

kunming jaime edmundson 5

The toque failed at disguising her hair.

– Zev & Justin and Gary & Mallory finally make it to Stone Forest.

forrest griffin.jpg

As opposed to a Stoned Forrest.

kunming roadblock 2

When you’re in a tie for last place with a team who holds the Express Pass at the final task of the round, you know you are in big heap trouble.

– Gary and Justin are doing this Roadblock. Sorry Zev, but we can’t have you finding two dinosaur tails today.

ZEV: Don’t freak out. Please.
JUSTIN: As long as we don’t see Globetrotters or Jaime & Cara, we’re okay.

kunming big easy 8

You mean him. . .

kunming jaime edmundson 6

Or her?

kunming justin kanew 11

senator clay davis

Sheeeeeeeeit.

kunming christina hsu 11

CHRISTINA: I don’t know what’s not safe about mine.

kunming christina hsu 12

“Maybe if I reach into the dinosaur’s ass, I can figure it out.”

kunming dinosaur

The only reason an elementary school teacher could show this episode in the classroom–”see? You kids learned about the Dilophosaurus today! Jimmy don’t laugh at the name!”

– Everyone else keeps working.

kunming jaime edmundson 7

Why is Jaime having a tough time with this?

hugh hefner

Aren’t Playboy bunnies experts with knowing their way around an old fossil on a regular basis?

CARA: Jaime, you have to lock in the one side.
JAIME: I KNOW! If I could get it I would.

kunming jaime edmundson 8

There is nothing left in the tank for Jaime. Too soon?

– Cara yells out to Jaime that everyone is now at the Roadblock.

kunming jaime edmundson 9

It wouldn’t be a returnee season without a leg in China where everyone is two feet apart.

kunming mallory ervin 4

MALLORY: Is there anybody not here?
CORD: Nope. Y’all are the last bunch.

kunming cord mccoy 3

“Cause we’re that damn good.”

kunming mallory ervin 5

“Uh, thanks Cord. . .you can uncross your arms now.”

– Gary & Mallory study the field.

kunming roadblock 3

Oh gee.

kunming gary mallory ervin 9

“I’m gonna go ahead and take this lil card away from you, Mall.”

kunming gary mallory ervin 10

Gary has ran marathons, but even this task looks like too much work.

kunming group

Everyone loves hanging out together.

kunming gary mallory ervin 11

“We’d love to party with y’all but. . .”

kunming gary mallory ervin 12

“We’ve got other plans.”

kunming gary mallory luke

Gary & Mallory only need their sense of smell to detect Luke’s envy.

– Mallory reads that they must make their way back to Kunming and find Green Lake Park.

kunming phil keoghan 13

Green Lake, Phil?

kunming phil keoghan 14

Because I don’t see Stanley Yelnats anywhere.

dig two hours

And they already did a task there during TAR Asia 1. They dug holes for over four damn hours.

PHIL: The last team to check in here -may- be eliminated.

Like producers would use all three NELs in five episodes.

– Gary is impatient with the driver.

GARY: Go.
MALLORY (correcting him): Please.

kunming gary mallory ervin 13

Mallory stopped Gary just short of him giving the driver the ol’ Kentucky Shoulder Tap.

MALLORY: After burning that Express Pass, we’ve to get first, okay?
GARY: . . .OK.

kunming gary mallory ervin 14

“And Millie wants a pony.”
“. . .OK.”

kunming gary mallory ervin 15

“Nailed it. Daddy looked totally sincere!”

– Christina is having issues with her dinosaur.

kunming christina hsu dinosaur

How are you failing at this, Christina? Doesn’t the dinosaur speak Chinese?

CHRISTINA: That’s why it wasn’t safe.

kunming christina hsu 13

It was a hip locking barrier rather than a language barrier. Much more manageable.

– Kent’s dinosaur is rejected. Margie tells the ultra parenting story.

MARGIE: My four year old grandson Brice is a huge dinosaur fan so I am doing this for Brice.

kunming margie adams 6

You know seventeen rounds of Margie might be too much when freakin’ Brice gets a shoutout.

MARGIE (starts crying): I am doing this for Brice. . .who I miss terribly.

kunming margie adams 7

This is soooooo random. It’s not even Luke’s child.

Let’s be clear: I am not making fun of Margie for bringing up Brice. I am making fun of editors for stretching for material with Margie & Luke to such an extreme that we get an emotional scene involving a kid who loves dinosaurs, and is not even directly connected to a racer.

kunming kent vyxsin 47

“A kid who loves dinosaurs? Could I be Margie’s grandson too?”

Brice would be around nine years old now. If he is using the Internet irresponsibly as I expect most kids at that age would (I was a nine year old with Internet access back in the day), then he is probably stumbling across this blog.

So hey Brice! Welcome to the blog. I should let you know that I used to own the first ten Land Before Time films growing up. I agree that dinosaurs do indeed rule! Except for that douchey Mr. Three Horn. That guy is an ass.
.
.
.
And if you are thinking “wow, Logan clearly doesn’t talk to kids much”, you’d be right.

PARENTAL NOTE: If you let your children read this blog, you unquestionably suck as a parent. The end.

– Cowboy theme starts up when Jet finishes the Roadblock. The theme gets cut short as a confrontation occurs involving Flight Time, Vyxsin, and Cara.

FLIGHT TIME: Why’d y’all U-Turn us all though? For real. What’s up with that?

kunming flight time cara vyxsin

By standing on top of the rock, Flight Time’s (basketball) court is in session.

– Cara starts laughing nervously.

FLIGHT TIME: What’s up with that?

kunming flight time cara vyxsin 2

Those hips are going to take a while to re-adjust. They’ve got time.

kunming flight time cara vyxsin 3

Flight Time should have been a principal.

kunming flight time cara vyxsin 4

CARA: It started there, man. It started there.

Says the person who repeatedly stated “do the Globetrotters and nobody else will be U-Turned. Kick them out!”

FLIGHT TIME: We’re all in the same boat right now.
VYXSIN: We U-Turned them because we have a thirty minute penalty.
FLIGHT TIME: Oh.

kunming flight time cara

“Oh. . .so we’re -not- in the same boat.”

FLIGHT TIME: Okay, as long as we weren’t being mean. That’s all.
VYXSIN: It wasn’t personal.
FLIGHT TIME (jokingly): I think the Redheads were being mean.

kunming flight time cara 2

This is why I will always say that the Globetrotters and the Cowboys are nothing alike.

kunming flight time cara vyxsin 5

When the Cowboys have a move made against them, it’s always “YOU’RE THE WORST, YOU DON’T PLAY FAIR, I HOPE YOU DIE YOU CHEATER, *INSERT OFFENSIVE SLUR HERE*, AND WE’RE THE BEST PEOPLE ON THE PLANET THAT JESUS HIMSELF THINKS WE’RE PERFECT HUMAN BEINGS”.

With Flight Time & Big Easy, either they just find a way to troll the others (Sam & Dan or Mika & Canaan) or let it roll off their backs right away.

CARA: Jaime, you’re doing great!
JAIME (clenched teeth): Leave me alone. (talking as if she is underwater) Leave me alone.

kunming jaime edmundson 10

“Argh! Why does she have to be encouraging!”

kunming cara rosenthal 6

Whoa.

– Justin’s dinosaur is not considered safe. He starts pushing on the dinosaur and screams in agony.

kunming justin kanew 12

Somebody needs more fibre in their diet.

kunming justin kanew 13

The dilophosaurus is now a quadlophosaurus.

kunming justin kanew 14

It ain’t budging, man.

– Jet & Cord are in the cart as they see Gary & Mallory on the side of the road calling for directions.

JET: GARY! WOOOO.

kunming gary mallory ervin 16

“What the hell?”

kunming gary mallory ervin 18

“I wish I still had that Express Pass so I could shove it up their ass.”

kunming jet cord mccoy 5

First place is slipping away.

kunming gary mallory ervin 17

And so is Millie’s pony.

– Jet & Cord hop into a cab that was actually their own for once.

– Gary & Mallory realize theirs had already ditched them, but hire a new driver for what sounds like a higher price.

GARY: How much?
MALLORY: How much do you want?

kunming driver 6

“For my base price in addition to Naive American Tourists Fee. . .”

kunming gary mallory ervin 19

“This.”

kunming gary mallory ervin 20

MALLORY: Fine. Now!

kunming gary mallory ervin 21

“And the only tip you’re getting is the one you can suck from your dad–oh. Sorry daddy.”

– Gary & Mallory enter their cab. ‘Tis a race for first.

– We head back to the Roadblock.

kunming justin kanew 15

Justin’s constipation continues to persist.

kunming justin kanew 16

Or they are kidney stones.

kunming justin kanew 17

Or both.

– Yeah, he’s still screaming.

– Zev tells Justin to keep working.

JUSTIN: I can’t get this off, dude.

kunming justin kanew 18

Can’t get those hips to move the way he wants them to? It is just like Justin’s life whenever he is on the dance floor.

– Justin screams some more.

– Margie demands for a judge to look at her dinosaur.

kunming margie adams 8

This might be the start of Margie’s happy dance.

– Margie completes the Roadblock in third place.

kunming margie adams 9

Although I wouldn’t touch that clue envelope.

– We cut to Green Lake Park.

kunming green lake park

Stop feeding the birds. This is getting out of control.

– Jet & Cord and Gary & Mallory are shown running to the mat in a series of cuts. Mallory says she saw a cowboy hat.

– Who will be the first to the pit stop mat?

kunming red bell

Other than the pit stop greeter who appears to be the red bell, of course.

FIRST PLACE: JET & CORD

PHIL: I’ve got some more good news for you guys.

kunming jet cord mccoy 6

Cord is all ears.

PHIL: As the winners of this leg of the race, you have won five thousand dollars EACH.

kunming phil keoghan 15

“AND breakfast in bed.”

kunming jet cord mccoy 7

kunming jet cord mccoy 8

Cord doing the usual ‘hat fling’ celebration.

kunming jet cord mccoy 9

zangief wins

The Zangief pose is a welcome addition.

kunming hat

The hat gets some serious air.

kunming hat 2

Why is Cord so reckless with his hat? Does he have a dozen of them in his closet at home?

PHIL: You’re gonna love that.
CORD: That’s what I’m screaming.

kunming jet cord mccoy 10

It’s enough money to buy Louis Vuitton cowboy hats.

SECOND PLACE: GARY & MALLORY

MALLORY: Hey, that’s okay.

kunming gary mallory ervin 22

“Millie still gets a pony.”
“Uh, about that, Mall. . .”

– We head back to the Stone Forest. Everyone is trying to make adjustments.

kunming christina hsu 14

Christina resorts to spanking her dinosaur.

kunming big easy 9

This must be easy for Big Easy–he just has to put a model of himself together.

– If you are under the age of eighteen, you cannot watch the following clip of Jaime.

kunming jaime edmundson 12

!

kunming jaime edmundson 13

!!

kunming jaime edmundson 11

!!!

kunming jaime edmundson 14

This is not what Jaime had in mind for getting some hard wood.

– Justin is using his ladder to move a piece on his dilophosaurus.

 

Things are not going well.

– The judges deem Kent’s dinosaur to not be safe.

KENT: This one’s good now.
JUDGE: No no no no.

kunming kent kaliber 10

“Hey Kent, are you a palaeontologist? Then shut the f-ck up.”

VYXSIN:We need to get to that pit stop a full thirty minutes before another team or we’re out of the race.

kunming vyxsin fiala 4

Good luck with that on a leg like this.

– Kent climbs up the ladder.

kunming kent kaliber 11

KENT (hushed voice): I’ll switch the tail.

VYXSIN: If he can’t get it together, we’re like in so much trouble.

kunming kent kaliber 12

Just need to reach up a bit further.

kunming kent kaliber 13

“Success! I have ahold of the tail!”

kunming kent kaliber 17

“Guys, something feels wobbly.”

kunming kent kaliber 14

Uh oh!

kunming kent kaliber 15

It’s the pink and black step attack!

kunming kent kaliber 16

He’s dead.

kunming vyxsin fiala 5

Kent’s hip may be more damaged than the dilophosaurus’.

I don’t think he’s got it together.

– Commercial break. We resume.

– Kent calls over the judges yet again but it is rejected once more.

KENT: Look. It’s done.

kunming palaeontologist 4

“Not until I say it’s done, bitch.”

– Christina catches on to her mistake.

CHRISTINA: Oh god. I’m an idiot.

kunming christina hsu 15

Only in a well-educated Asian family would a person refer to him or herself as an idiot because they flipped the crux of a dinosaur bone.

– Kent and Kisha both know their problem.

BIG EASY (rocking the dinosaur): There you go. Uh huh.

kunming big easy 10

Big Easy’s problem is much more disturbing.

– Flight Time shouts for Big Easy to do it for the hood–what ward of New Orleans will be promoted this year?

kunming jaime edmundson 15

Jaime chooses a more appropriate technique to correct her mistakes.

kunming jaime edmundson 16

But she is exhausted.

kunming jaime edmundson 17

Dinostyle drained her.

CARA: Oh god. She’s losing it.

kunming cara rosenthal 7

Losing what, Cara?

kunming jaime edmundson 18

Losing what, Cara?

kunming jaime edmundson 19

Oh.

kunming jaime edmundson 20

Oh.

kunming palaeontologist 5

Didn’t you know?

kunming palaeontologist 6

Palaeontologists are the third most horniest people out of any occupation in the world. Just behind construction workers and video game testers.

– Kent and Christina are close to finishing. Jaime asks for the judge once more.

kunming dinosaur 2

How this aids the viewer at home is beyond me.

– Jaime attempts to yank out the piece that isn’t safe.

kunming jaime edmundson 21

“Just a bit further. . .”

kunming jaime edmundson 22

“I got it out!”

kunming jaime edmundson 23

No no no no.

kunming jaime edmundson 24

Fight it fight it fight it.

kunming jaime edmundson 25

This isn’t going to end well.

kunming jaime edmundson 26

That piece of wood will not be stable.

kunming jaime edmundson 27

I hear soft grass is preferable to break your fall over a ladder.

kunming cara rosenthal 8

This is the part where Cara wishes she had done this.

THIRD PLACE: MARGIE & LUKE

Other than the To Be Continued announcement, Margie & Luke haven’t had a mat chat all season. They are shown for a split second celebrating before we’re back to the dinosaurs.

– Kisha’s dilophosaurus is approved.

JEN: YEAHHHHH BUDDY!

That is the most excited I have seen Kisha & Jen all season long.

– Kent finishes the Roadblock in fifth. Vyxsin is proud of him.

– Kisha & Jen make it back to the parking lot.

KISHA: Do you see him?
JEN: I think he left. Our cab left.

kunming kisha jen hoffman 7

Kunming taxi drivers are proving to be a very disloyal group today.

– Flight Time tells Big Easy he is working it out. Justin and Jaime keep making adjustments.

kunming justin kanew 21

Justin’s kidney stone has passed, and appears to be calmer now.

– Jaime is not doing so well.

kunming jaime edmundson 28

She might be exaggerating. If she couldn’t breathe, she’d be dead.

millie asthma

Or would have to change her name to Millie.

– Kent & Vyxsin find their cab, run past Kisha & Jen, and hop in.

kunming jen hoffman

Jen’s concern grows.

kunming kent vyxsin 47

Kent’s concern decreases.

VYXSIN: We can still be in this thing. It’s just getting over this thirty minute penalty is so nerve-wracking.

kunming kent vyxsin 48

kunming kent vyxsin 49

I am amazed none of Vyxsin’s hairs have turned white yet this season as the stress of the season has clearly gotten to her.

If they survive, she has to wake up tomorrow and do this all over again.

– Kisha & Jen find a taxi.

– Big Easy puts on the tail of the dinosaur.

kunming big easy 11

Big Easy does not need a ladder. This is the perfect task for tall people.

danni boatwright

She knows all about the benefits of a reach advantage.

– Flight Time starts imitating Jadakiss’ laugh as Big Easy asks for a check.

kunming big easy 12

“It’s good.”

 

ROAR!!!

kunming big easy 15

“Suck on these, bitches!”

 

kunming flight time 7

kunming flight time 8

kunming flight time 9

That’s why they call him Flight Time.

– The screaming and vocal celebration continues.

kunming big easy 16

The Bigeasaurus is too stoked to care about a palaeontologist’s personal space.

kunming justin kanew 22

This piece of wood is Justin’s only line of defense against the Bigeasaurus.

CARA (mumbling): Sure noisy.
FLIGHT TIME: C’mon baby! DOUBLE U-TURN THAT!

kunming cara zev

“We’re never going to hear the end of it.”

kunming jaime edmundson 29

Jaime doesn’t know what to make of the Globetrotters’ celebration.

CARA: And then there were three.

kunming flight time big easy 14

Unless Big Easy gets so confused by the last clue that he stays in the Stone Forest.

– The Globetrotters are in the cart and keep repeating the words ‘Double U-Turn’.

kunming flight time big easy 15

So much energy to burn that Flight Time smacks his partner in the head with the clue.

– Christina switches out another piece. Jaime tries to do the same.

kunming jaime edmundson 30

Gently bring it down and. . .

kunming jaime edmundson 31

Ooof!

The way in which the piece controlled Jaime’s movement indicates that her arms are completely dead. There is nothing left. She’ll be lucky to lift a spoon from a cereal bowl.

charla bag

Charla would have an impossible time with a task like this.

– Kent & Vyxsin sprint onto the mat. The fastest I have seen Kent move today.

TEMPORARILY FOURTH: KENT & VYXSIN

kunming kent vyxsin 50

Which is a better position than they were expecting, even though everyone was at the Roadblock together. How did they not figure out their placement beforehand? They even saw Kisha & Jen stuck in the parking lot.
PHIL: As you know, you have to wait out a thirty minute penalty for taking an alternate flight from Tokyo to Kunming.

kunming phil keoghan 16

“A penalty which I have undoubtedly explained to the audience dozens of times already.”

kunming kent vyxsin 51

If the penalty eliminates them, they will take a train back to Lijiang and throw themselves off of the Eternal Tower.

PHIL: So I need you to wait out that penalty. Hopefully–

kunming kent vyxsin 52

“Hopefully!”

kunming kent vyxsin 53

“Move your ass and cross your damn fingers, Kent!”

PHIL: –And hopefully all of the other teams don’t check in before your penalty is over.

kunming phil keoghan 17

“Which will make the season really boring if you guys go, but them’s the breaks.”

– Kent & Vyxsin sit on the grass.

kunming kent vyxsin 54

Staring at a watch for thirty minutes is the absolute worst way to pass the time.

– We cut back to the Roadblock.

JUSTIN: I’m starting to get there, I think.

-Starting-?!

– Jaime repeats that she doesn’t want to go home. Even if she loses this round, she won’t be going home anyway. She and Cara will be taken to Elimination Station.

Silly Jaime forgets stuff like this.

– Christina puts in a piece.

 

The camera fades out to a. . .

kunming christina hsu 18

. . .WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

– We check back in with Kent & Vyxsin’s penalty.

kunming kent vyxsin 55

Five minutes later: Vyxsin has given up staring at her watch, but Kent refuses to give up stroking his own hair.

kunming phil keoghan 18

This is what Phil’s downtime looks like at the pit stop mat.

kunming kent vyxsin jen

I love it when somebody’s dreams is slowly slipping away.

kunming kisha jen hoffman 8

Reaction to being fifth.

kunming kisha jen hoffman 9

Reaction to being fourth after Phil explains the penalty.

kunming kisha jen hoffman 10

“We went from being middle of the pack to. . .being middle of the pack!”

FOURTH PLACE: KISHA & JEN

KENT: If we’re out of the race today, it’d be such a blow.
VYXSIN: And it’d be so heartbreaking to have to leave right when we’re sorta hitting our stride and getting our game back.

Kent collapsing on a ladder is getting your game back?

– Globetrotters are running around Green Lake to find the pit stop.

kunming kent vyxsin 56

It’s like they have fallen down into a catacomb after an avalanche and have been waiting over four days for Search & Rescue. So helpless.

– Phil summons Kent & Vyxsin.

kunming phil keoghan 19

kunming kent vyxsin 57

“Us? Maybe he is referring to another Kent & Vyxsin.”

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Kent is so excited he trips over his one legs when getting up.

FIFTH PLACE: KENT & VYXSIN

kunming kent vyxsin 59

An all too familiar number for them.

VYXSIN: Number five is alive!
KENT & VYXSIN: Yaaaaay!

kunming kent vyxsin 60

But a number they have come to embrace.

– Flight Time & Big Easy yell as they run onto the mat.

SIXTH PLACE: FLIGHT TIME & BIG EASY

PHIL: Bring it in.

 

Phil’s suggestion suffocates Herb.

kunming pit stop greeter

Which is exactly what Phil wanted.

BIG EASY: Double U-Turn that, baby.

kunming flight time big easy 18

Is everything going to be Double U-Turned from now on? Their yogurt in the morning, the way they put on a shirt, or whenever they dunk a basketball? It’ll get old fast.

– Three teams remain and are all at the Roadblock. Christina starts talking to her dinosaur. The palaeontologist approves of her creation.

kunming christina hsu 19

“Good Dino.”

You know you are becoming delusional when you start speaking to a piece of wood as if it were your pet dog.

– Christina starts crying and is about to kiss the palaeontologist.

kunming christina hsu 20

Watching a Playboy Bunny undress, and then follow it up by receiving a kiss from a woman who is already taken? This is the most action a palaeontologist has ever gotten on the job.

kunming ron hsu 6

Ron mocks Christina by acting like the studio audience of a Saved By the Bell episode. Oooooooh.

– Zev points out that now only two remain. Jaime is reaching for the dilophosaurus’ tail.

kunming jaime edmundson 32

JAIME: Uhhhhh.

kunming jaime edmundson 33

JAIME: I can’t reach it.

Fail.

CARA: Jaime, you’re doing great!

lol.

ZEV: Don’t give up!
CARA: You’re doing great. Keep your head in it!
(JUSTIN asks for a check but is rejected.)
JUSTIN: No?
CARA: Jaime, you’re doing great!

Wow. The same sound byte is being recycled.

kunming cara rosenthal 9

Or she’s got amnesia.

– Justin wants to know if his is right.

kunming justin kanew 23

“Help?”

kunming palaeontologist 7

“I’m over here, motherf–ker. And no, you’re still an idiot.”

kunming justin kanew 24

“Where the hell did he come from?”

– Justin thinks his issue was having the pieces on the spine slightly out of order.

– Jaime submits her next guess. Will this be it?

kunming jaime edmundson 34

JAIME: Anyone?

kunming jaime edmundson palaeontologist

“I’ve been behind you in the bushes watching this whole time. I am very very sneaky, sir. Oh, and it’s wrong.”

– Jaime doesn’t know what’s wrong.

kunming jaime edmundson 35

They’re hooped.

– Justin asks for yet another check.

JUSTIN: Reach for it, baby.

kunming palaeontologist 8

After handing out seven clues, the palaeontologist has to reach far into the depths of his crack to pull out only one of two that remain.

kunming justin kanew 25

“I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!”

kunming cara rosenthal 10

“I should’ve tripped Vyxsin on the way to the U-Turn board when I had the chance.”

PALAEONTOLOGIST: Good jobbbb, Justin.

kunming palaeontologist 9

Holy crap. Not only can he talk, but he learned his name too.

– Jaime is fixing the spine.

JAIME: Oh god. This is not happening. I can’t  take this whole thing apart. I can’t physically do it.

– Zev & Justin read the clue and head to the cart.

kunming jaime edmundson 36

Jaime starts thinking about what could be wrong.

JAIME: Cara. . .

kunming cara rosenthal 11

Cara will not want to listen to this.

kunming jaime edmundson 37

JAIME: Cara, this board right here would have to come off and be flipped around.

kunming jaime edmundson 38

“Which means. . .”

kunming jaime edmundson 39

“. . .Phil’s battery in his watch would have to die, leaving Kent & Vyxsin on the sidelines for another hour, and we manage to make it to the mat before Phil realizes what has happened.”

CARA: Now I definitely think we are doomed.

kunming cara rosenthal 12

With all six of the teams at the pit stop, and two of the teams already well on their way, I think there is only one way to sum up Jaime & Cara’s situation.

kunming jaime edmundson 40

kunming jaime edmundson 41

game over

 

GAME OVER!

kunming jaime edmundson 42

“Peace out, bitches. China still sucks, btw.”

– Serene music plays as we see some birds flying around Green Lake Park.

kunming tai chi

Running around a park in China would suck–you would have to dodge so many Tai Chi groups while trying to get your morning run in each day.

– Ron & Christina and Zev & Justin’s taxis park almost simultaneously.