To date, I have four published letters in the Vernon Morning Star. All of which I brag about on a regular basis.
However, there are three letters that have not been accepted by the friendly folks at the local newspaper.
I decided to release them individually in a 3-part summer series. Don’t worry, if you are waiting for my new TARstorian, Amazing Race Canada, and the Vernon is a Dumb and Stupid but Awesome posts, don’t worry, they’ll all be up over the next few days.
This letter I sent to the Vernon Morning Star served as a parody of a complaint somebody made in the paper earlier that day. The complaint was titled Garbage Concerns, and was one of the funniest letters I had ever seen.
Essentially Garbage Concerns was some confusing rant about how we were a dirty city that needed to be purged and we should all be ashamed of ourselves. There was no real purpose to the author’s intent, and that unique style of writing which the paper usually rejects is why I found it hilarious.
I think whoever wrote Garbage Woes was just in a bad mood and didn’t really mean what they say, but hey, when I say things in a bad mood for the world to see, I tend to be made fun of for it publicly and have no choice but to laugh at myself later.
The joke was on me though as Garbage Concerns warranted multiple responses from others in the community that was also published in the Vernon Morning Star. This is why I love Vernon. Things that you thought were a one-sided rambling fest which is subject to a personal parody of mine ends up holding some significant value in the public forum.
My conclusion as to why this occurred is because of the following:
1) Vernon has an elderly population which writes to the newspaper.
2) Claiming that Vernon is like Canada’s version of Detroit is a statement which indirectly implicates the faults of youth. Anybody in the 13-24 demographic is responsible for the littering and damage done because of our collective hooliganism.
3) If they are petrified about the issue of garbage being in the streets on a daily basis, fly to Bangladesh. They will get a whole new perspective on things.
Pssssst. People who litter are probably the ones who are really high on illicit substances and cannot tell the difference between a garbage can and a pink elephant. Does the pink elephant take my Dairy Queen cup or does the garbage can? Geez, I can’t remember!!!!
So there you go. That’s the story behind why I wrote a letter titled Game Over. A new resident has entered Vernon, and well, he is none too pleased with our city.
I recently uh moved to this city about two months ago uh from the Mushroom Kingdom.
This is uh very strange town. As uh recent retiree, I wanted uh to take my grandson Baby Mario camping. I was saddened to discover there was uh local campfire ban as the camp ranger repeatedly apologized for extinguishing the fire. What am I supposed to do with this two hundred dollar fire flower I purchased at Surplus Herby’s?
One of my favourite outdoor activities is to put on my cape and hover through the air. Sadly this was not allowed due to the housing developments in Turtle Mountain, and fractured uh my nose upon impact. It has swollen up to the size of Yoshi’s tongue.
At night I walk out onto my deck and search for stars. Unfortunately the pollution uh from the industrial area by Okanagan Avenue makes this no longer possible. My days of experiencing temporary invincibility are over. Although my ears do not work as well as they used to as I can only faintly hear the dadada-dadadada when I -do- touch uh star.
I recently took uh trip into Lumby and Cherryville to eat some mushrooms. Let’s just say instead of growing twice my size, I woke up in uh ditch near Highway 6 with an unexplained headache.
Things got uh worse. I have gained weight as I am not quite as active as my younger days, but uh it is impossible to find uh pair of overalls that can fit around my gut. I am ashamed to mention to this to Peach, but I have to pay the extra coins to have them custom fitted and shipped to me. I wait the extra uh few days because I do not have the coins to pay for express shipping.
Yesterday I took my new car through Pleasant Valley Road. The construction made the ride rockier than Choco Mountain, and the various objects laying about popped two of my ties, and sent my kart uh flyin’. I was not wearing my seat belt, and landed on the sidewalk with uh broken arm.
This is all happening as I await uh court date because I jumped on uh shell at the Turtle Crossing. My eyes are failing me as I tragically cannot tell the difference between uh koopa troopa and uh plain ol’ turtle. That poor turtle’s shell caved right in. O Little Turtle, I never meant to stomp on you!
I plead with you–Tourism Vernon, please help me with all of these issues. I call on City Hall to make the necessary changes to assist me with making my golden years uh more pleasant one than what I have endured over the past three months. As uh senior member, my days of partying, tennis, baseball, soccer, and dance dance revolutioning are all behind me.
At least I’ve still got my golf clubs.
I am uh humble Italian man, but it’s just uh me, and somebody needs to speak out against these problems that the city faces.
P.S. Don’t worry, Glenn. I still love you. . .and everyone else who lives in this dumb and stupid but awesome town. ❤