The Amazing Race 17 season premiere ranking part two

Missed part one of the season premiere blog? Here it is. https://thesupacoowackiestblogintheuniverse.wordpress.com/2015/02/17/the-amazing-race-17-season-premiere-ranking-part-one/

gloucester start 9

Just once somebody needs to crash into Phil.

– Ron leads the sprint. He looks ferocious.

gloucester ron kellum

He could run to Logan Airport and beat the other teams there at this rate.

– Teams read that they are flying to London, England and receiving one hundred bucks. The Stonehenge is their destination.

stonehenge earthbound

Or Stonehedge. Not sure which.

– Brook & Claire lead the pack of cars.

gloucester cars 2

Gone are the days with gas-guzzling SUVs. . .for now.

gloucester gary mallory 10

Well, that’s what happens when the car manufacturer has only 5’4″ models test drive it for them.

– NICK: This is what we’ve been waiting for: To win a million buckarooskis.

gloucester nick vicki 7

Buckarooskis? Isn’t that those fierce oddly-shaped tooth animals located in the snowy mountains of Australia?

– Intro time. I’ll make fun of their intro shots next week.

gloucester kid

Except for this kid. Hilarious.

– Teams continue to freak out over being on The Amazing Race. Brook asks some cyclists on the road.

gloucester bicycle

This town is so old they don’t even have cars yet!

gloucester brook claire 12

Surprisingly, the first team to say “bump me” is not the volleyball players.

gloucester brook claire 13

Whoa! Only two minutes into the race and Brook is channeling her inner Samantha Jones and already doing some freaky s–t on the race.

– Neither Ron nor Tony are familiar with Boston. Luckily, Tony has a compass. He knows they must go south.

gloucester ron tony  5

Hopefully they have better luck with a compass than Joe & Heidi did.

– Ron thinks their strongest suit will be having the ability to navigate well.

gloucester ron tony 6

He insists it is better than his running ability.

– Banter between the couples.

STEPH: I’ve seen the Stonehenge before.
CHAD: What? You mean you’ve seen it on TV.
STEPH: Well, that’s cause I’ve never been.

– Thomas went to Notre Dame.

paris lenny hudson 3

Lenny went to Notre Dame too. He saw somebody pointing in the general direction. Odd reason to enrol, I know.

– Jill is a hairstylist. She has not been to college, and Thomas believes his education will give him a big advantage.

– Andie says it is their first time in a car together.

Get it? Because of their relationship?

– Andie explains to her daughter that she is perceived to be an aggressive driver and wants to tame it down. Jenna tells her not to do so. Andie has poor timing to change her habits, clearly.

JENNA: The first time we heard each other’s voices was actually through the application video for The Amazing Race. This is actually the third time we’ve been around each other.

gloucester andie jenna 9

Well, at least they knew to communicate telepathically to wear matching outfits.

– They live in different states and have own families. This is their time together. Connor & Jonathan are on the wrong side of the city after a local tells them they are going the wrong way. Jonathan hits a speed bump.

gloucester connor jonathan 13

He nearly takes out the car as opposed to untying a knot in this speed bump.

logan airport

logan anime

Welcome to my airport, bitches.

– Ron & Tony park first and enter the shuttle bus. Nobody else is with them.

gloucester bus

Sweet shuttle bus.

– Stephanie asks Chad to smell her bandana.

gloucester chad stephanie 8

Can’t say she didn’t warn you, Chad. You could break Niroo’s record of having the shortest amount of race time to pass before vomiting.

– Chad is really excited to see only one team has parked so far.

gloucester chad stephanie 9

Really excited. This dude is pumped.

– Thomas does not believe two teams are already ahead of them. Katie & Rachel are fourth, but initially struggle to open the trunk. They switch to the other airline once on the shuttle.

KATIE: Drive as fast as your little foot can take us.

Okay then.

– Brook & Claire and Gary & Mallory enter the same shuttle bus. They both are screaming and Mallory is flailing everywhere. Both teams scream for the shuttle to go before Nat & Kat are able to take their bags out of the trunk.

gloucester bus 2

Gary wonders what he has gotten himself into.

– BROOK: And it begins.

– Ron & Tony are first into the airport. They see the flagged counter. Ron & Tony book the first seats onto the flight. They want the Express Pass.

gloucester ron tony 7

The frontrunners.

– Stephanie assumes they have to wait in a big line. Chad thinks there should be flags. He listens to his girlfriend, and they are stuck in line. Jill & Thomas jump ahead and take the second pair of seats.

– Katie & Rachel are in the terminal. An attendant approaches Chad & Stephanie and informs them to go elsewhere. It’s a montage of both teams running for the final seats.

– Commercial. We resume.

– More running. Chad & Stephanie make it to the counter. Jill & Thomas are still there. Katie & Rachel miss it by seconds, we assume.

gloucester katie seamon 2

If there was a choice between being dead or alive, Katie feels closer to death right now.

– To virgitlantic for Katie & Rachel. That is how they pronounced it.

– Gary & Mallory and Brook & Claire run to Virgin Atlantic (better flight was American Airlines). A bunch of teams meet up and introduce each other. Claire is ready to introduce herself to something else in the airport, though.

CLAIRE: I feel like I need to barf.

gloucester brook claire 14

“Dear valued guest,

An attendant will be with you shortly to hold your hair back.

Thank you for choosing Virgin Atlantic. Especially Connor & Jonathan.”

– Vicki informs Mallory that she is nicknamed Sunshine.

gloucester mallory erwin 5

Awe shucks.

NICK: Is Green not here yet?
GARY: Green’s not here.
NICK: The two singers.
GARY: The guy who looks like Harry Potter.
KATIE: We call them “Team Glee.”

gloucester connor jonathan 14

If Connor is Harry Potter. . .

drew point

Was he responsible for vanquishing The Dark Lord in TAR 1?

Wait, how do they know they are singers? Did Connor & Jonathan seriously sing a ton during sequester at the hotel or repeated all of Phil’s words verbatim?

– Connor & Jonathan start singing about being in last place. The teams on the first flight all hang out. Tony thinks others have underestimated him because of his gut.

– Teams welcome Connor & Jonathan for finally making it to the airport. Connor realizes he has bad navigation skills.

BROOK: Let’s just say we won’t be following them.

gloucester airport

I love how the teams do not feel threatened by Connor & Jonathan to the extent that they receive a standing ovation for making it to the airport.

gloucester airport 2

Everybody needs a ray of sunshine after their darkest hour.

– Teams joke that they could have driven to New York and come back to Logan Airport in that time.

– The first flight departs. Stephanie wants to haul butt to get the Express Pass.

– The second flight departs.

FIRST FLIGHT LANDS: 6:57AM (RON/TONY;CHAD/STEPH; JILL/THOMAS)

– Jill & Thomas are the first to find their car in the parking garage.

gloucester jill thomas 5

Scratch that.

gloucester jill thomas 6

Reverse it.

– Ron & Tony are second to a car. They are going to stop and buy a map. Chad & Stephanie are third to a vehicle.

gloucester chad stephanie 10

Wow. Teams suck at adjusting to the steering wheel on the opposite side.

– Stephanie says driving a stick left-handed is tricky. Chad informs Stephanie on the correct direction to drive. Thomas continues the overkill of explaining the Express Pass.

THOMAS: It is a Get Out of Jail Free card.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Every explanation for an Exemption in The Mole and The Apprentice or Hidden Immunity Idol in Survivor ever.

– Tony has a degree from the University of Arizona and also has an undergrad degree from Stanford. He and Ron assume it will be in play, and will take the others by surprise.

– Stephanie describes Chad’s temper as “loud and has cussing involved”.

Isn’t that. . .every temper meltdown ever?

STEPHANIE: He was a football player.

gloucester chad stephanie 11

Yes, only football players get loud and cuss. Unlike ice hockey players who are mild-mannered creatures.

STEPHANIE: I’m not one of your teammates. I’m your girlfriend.

Oddly enough, it makes no difference because you would get a pat on the butt regardless.

– Chad is yelling at her to go if she’s got it. Well, after she didn’t have it because she drove back to the airport.

STEPHANIE: I’m trying to take in being here.
CHAD: Who cares about being here. I don’t care about that right now.
STEPHANIE: You’re just going to make this miserable for both of us if you keep acting like that.
CHAD: . . .

gloucester chad stephanie 12

There’s cars, a bicyclist, and highway signs. Welcome to exotic London! Take it all in, Chad. What? And you thought there was nothing to see.

SECOND FLIGHT LANDS: 7:18AM/TWENTY-ONE MINUTES LATER (Contains everyone else).

– Wow, that advantage is not much.  Lots of running. Mallory leads the way for Gary. Brook & Claire are fourth to the car park, but Brook has a Samantha moment and fails to go for the correct door. She switches and starts operating the stick shift.

– Claire describes Brook as having an extremely quick pace and being tough to keep up with on a regular basis. Hence the vomiting, I assume.

gloucester brook roberts 2

Uh oh. Four all-female teams required to not only operate a stick shift, but do so from the opposite side. If I know my TAR history, this could be trouble.

NAT: Dammit, it’s a stick shift.

Yeah. This could be trouble.

– Nat & Kat are fifth into a vehicle. Nick & Vicki are sixth. We cut back to Nat & Kat.

auckland singaporean sophie french born aurelia 6

A lot quicker to type compared to “French Born Aurelia & Singaporean Sophie” throughout TAR Asia 2, I must say.

– Kat passes Nat an object and calls her an obscene name.

london nat kat 7

That’s just mean. If anybody is being a finger pricker here, it’s Kat.

– So Nat finger pricks herself for the finger pricker that she is presented to be.

london nat kat

Watch the road!

– Nat is a type one diabetic. Her schedule will be off because she will not know when she is going to eat. Kat takes her reading.

london kat chang

“337! Wait, aren’t I supposed to be reading something else other than a Bayer Contour Next Test Metre? Oh, a map!”

KAT: Nat and I have run half marathons together and that hasn’t slowed her down before. It’s a prime example of being active and still managing your blood sugars.

Like. . .like a three-legged race? That sounds difficult. I am a long distance runner, and I must say that half marathons would indeed slow me down.

If you’re not slowing down after ten kilometres, then you are holding way too much back at the start of a race.

– You know what a leg in London could not be complete without?

london roundabout

A roundabout!

– Brook & Claire recap the roundabouts. Rachel tells Katie to stay straight and be efficient. Gary & Mallory celebrate being on the correct road.

– Nick is confused and lost. Michael quietly but quickly orders Kevin to turn left.

london kevin michael wu

Good luck shoulder-checking when turning left, Kevin.

KEVIN: Are you sure this is the right way?
MICHAEL: I don’t know.

So uh. . .why did you tell him to turn left?

london kevin michael wu 2

Clearly this is not Kevin meant by saying that he could “Depend” on his father to navigate. Nose plugs, everyone!

– Andie & Jenna sound out of breath. Andie’s car is smelling bad as she knows she is killing the car. Even Connor & Jonathan can smell the burn from Andie’s car.

C’mon. You seriously thought every female would handle a stick shift correctly in TAR this season? This season may be progressive, but we’re not aiming for gigantic leaps here.

– Chad & Stephanie are lost, and enter a business that is renowned for its intellectual patrons that are within.

london chad stephanie

Why, McDonalds of course! i’m lovin their brilliance.

– Chad & Stephanie are told to go into a roundabout (surprise) and turn right. They return to their car.

STEPHANIE: I need to turn right and go into this lane.
CHAD: Noooo. We’ve been driving on the left hand side of the road so we’re gonna go around and THEN go around it.

london stephanie smith

Driving on the opposite side of the road is truly an adjustment.

– Ron & Benjamin Franklin–er, Tony, screwed up. Mostly Tony. They are lost.

Just imagine Benjamin Franklin without the hair behind his head, and he’s pretty much got the same facial expressions going on as Tony.

I really got to stop with celebrity comparisons for everybody I meet in real life or see on TV. For instance, my friend in university looks exactly like Sara Gilbert who played the character of “Darlene” in Roseanne. I brought this up to a classmate and they replied “Logan, who the heck is Sara Gilbert? Do you do that with everybody in class?”

– We return to Andie’s car. She admits it has been a long time since she has driven a clutch. Andie says she is riding the clutch too much and her car is dead in the middle of the road.

london andie jenna

Wow. Mother-daughter teams, uh, don’t perform too well at The Amazing Race.

– Guess which team is the only one that sucks enough to be trailing behind Andie & Jenna?

london jonathan schwartz

Ah. Rock-a-pella themselves.

london traffic

Locals must love Americans who are stranded in the middle of a London street. It’s not like London is known for bad traffic or anything.

– Connor & Jonathan have no choice but to help them out. Lots of honking in the background.

london connor diemand yauman

Connor stops helping after yelling ‘Expecto Ignitiarmus’ doesn’t work.

london car

Like an a-capella musician is capable of fixing a high-end car.

– Connor & Jonathan ditch them as Andie & Jenna sit in their car blocking traffic.

london andie jenna 2

“Can I switch to racing with my adoptive mother?”

– Commercial break. We resume. Andie realizes she was not taking her foot off the clutch. I wouldn’t be surprised if the producers in the car told her because they feared losing their lives to the fumes.

– Jenna claims her mother did a good job, but Andie shoots down the compliment.

– Jill & Thomas are lost.

london jill haney

Not impressed.

– Thomas asks for directions from somebody on the street.

london kfc

And once again, intelligent folks who help out tourists stand outside a KFC. Better than somebody working at McDonalds, I assume.

Plus Gary & Mallory could be inside.

– They are told to turn around and head back ten miles.

london jill haney 2

Jill spaces out during the whole conversation. She is probably thinking of what colour headband to wear tomorrow.

– Nat & Kat are excited as they see the Stonehenge.

london stonehenge

All of the answers to TAR’s greatest mysteries lies here.

london stonehenge 2

Yes, Nat. That is on the official sign for Stonehenge–“Home to Big Frickin Rocks”.

– They read that they must find the castle that is the opposite of Noreaster Castle. Phil informs us that teams must figure out that they must find Eastnor Castle to find the next clue.

london eastnor castle

Or as the executed jester said five hundred years ago, “this is more like EastSnore Castle, am I right guys?”

– Nat & Kat begin jogging. Jill & Thomas and Katie & Rachel park simultaneously. Katie brags about catching up to teams on the first flight.

– Nat & Kat look like the speed walking club of mothers who I see whenever I go for a run in the morning.

london nat kat 2

Right down to the proper arm swing technique.

– Nat & Kat get directions from two strange looking men outside of Stonehenge.

london nat kat 3

Even if this were the days before the TAR 12 rule change, I do not think Nat’s next words would have been “can we pay you and we follow you there?”

– Jill & Thomas and Katie & Rachel each have their clue and are asking for directions.

london computer

lol Windows XP in 2010.

– Thomas congratulates himself and Jill. Katie has to coach Rachel how to drive a stick shift. They eventually recover.

– If I thought Nat & Kat looked like professionals in the Speed Walkers Club, then Brook & Claire are. . .
.
.

london brook claire

amateurs at speed walking. Brook is extending her elbow out too far, and Claire is not putting enough of her body into it.

BROOK: I’ve never speed-walked this fast before in my life.

I doubt you have speed-walked before, period.

– Brook wonders who they can ask as she is in a panic after grabbing the clue. People might be a start, Asking dogs may not be too helpful.

– Rachel is stalling a lot in the street.

london rachel johnston

Things ain’t going well.

RACHEL: I was having a trouble with first on a hill. There was a big hill. An -England- hill.

london katie rachel

She is very Shakespearian here.

“How was your day?”
“It was bad. Really bad. -England- bad!

– Brook & Claire and Nat & Kat decide to team up when they see each other at a gas station.

BROOK: We’re following the doctors. I love them. All about women power.
CLAIRE: They’re strong and very smart.
BROOK: Very meticulous in what they do!

london brook roberts

“So strong they make you wanna slap your mama!”

– That’s right. Our second alliance is born. A much stronger alliance compared to Connor & Jonathan and Andie & Jenna, I must say.

– What are Katie & Rachel up to? Andie fixed her own problem. Did Rachel fix hers?

london katie seamon

Seamon is giving it her all pushing into that trunk!

– Katie can’t push it. She tells Rachel to give it more gas. She does.

london katie seamon 2

Katie fell for the oldest trick in the book.

“It’s a one person team now, bitch!”

– Ron is stunned that they have yet to run into a sign. He wants help from Tony, but Tony defends that he cannot see what is in front of Ron.

london ron tony

But he might want to start because his map reading skills have not helped thus far.

– Ron is frustrated and senses tension in the air. He decides to pull over and ask for directions.

– Gary & Mallory and Connor & Jonathan are fifth and sixth to the Stonehenge.

JONATHAN: Stonehenge was incredible. It had such an imposing wonderful. . .magical structure.

london connor jonathan

The guy who other racers refer to as “Harry Potter” did NOT just use the word magical in a sentence, did he? F–k. This is too much.

london connor jonathan 2

“Why is everyone suddenly looking at me weird like that?”

– A guy uses a local’s smartphone. Connor & Jonathan are officially working with Gary & Mallory. Jonathan promises not to lose them. Gary says this is a tough area to drive around.

– Andie & Jenna are seventh to the Stonehenge. Chad & Stephanie park seconds behind them.

STEPHANIE: Oh my god. The mother-daughter team is already here.
CHAD: I guess we’re not in THIRD anymore.

I love that mother-daughter teams are given such a lack of credit in TAR that you just KNOW you are at the back of the pack if you see them slightly ahead of you. Next thing you know Chad is going to say “I wonder if it will be a NON-ELIMINATION this round.”

– This is great. Stephanie is annoyed at seeing them because she thought she was further ahead.

london andie jenna 3

Eat our dust, says Jenna.

– Nick sees the sign for Stonehenge. Vicki elaborates on her knowledge of the location.

VICKI: This is the first time I’ve ever heard of Stonehenge, then I heard it’s a bunch of rocks.

london vicki casciola 3

Fun Fact: The rocks at Stonehenge were formed by extracting what is inside of Vicki’s skull. It truly is just a bunch of rocks.

debb eaton rawks

All it needed was an architect to help put it together.

– Nick & Vicki are ninth to the clue box. Kevin & Michael are tenth. Who is last?

london ron tony 2

Yes. The team containing this season’s self-proclaimed genius is stuck in dead last.

london ron tony 3

And what better way to get out of a jam than to consult the most snobbish people on the planet–British Starbucks patrons.

london people

They successfully manage to help Ron & Tony without sticking their nose into the air.

– By the way, some random little girl screams on the audio track inside of Starbucks.

london ron tony 4

Ron is a little freaked out by that.

– Jill & Thomas are first to the castle. Thomas is excited and rambles on as Jill says nothing.

london jill haney 3

Can someone flick the ‘on’ switch for Jill? I am worried.

– Claire is getting “heebie jeebies and goosebumps”. She is also experiencing a shrunken bladder.

london claire champlin

BROOK: I do not want to be the first girl on The Amazing Race history to pee your pants.

Yes, we are thirty minutes into the season and we already have Claire close to throwing up in her mouth and peeing her pants out of excitement.

carissa gaghan 3

A record that not even Carissa Gaghan has.

– Al three teams run out to the clue box. They must now storm the castle. First, they will climb a ladder that is being guarded by a mob of peasants. Once at the top they will retrieve a medieval flag.

london castle

The buckets of goo was supplied by the folks who worked on the Canadian trivia show “Uh-Oh”.

Once they have the flag, they must use an ancient boat to carefully travel across the moat to a knight in shining armour who will give them their next clue.

london boat

Fun fact: The boats are actually wooden tortoise shells.

london knight

Are the horses allowed to move?

– The storming of the castle commences. Peasants start yelling. They are angry.

london peasant 2

london peasant

Really angry.

– Lots of water drenched on Brook & Claire. Thomas thinks the water was full of dirt and mud.

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Luckily the teams are protected.

– Brook & Claire are pumped once they reach the top.

BROOK: We’re medieval!

london brook roberts 2

Brook Roberts: Happy to be going medieval on all your asses.

– Jill & Thomas and Nat & Kat are being hit with some more water.

london peasant 3

O’ Doyle Rules!

london nat kat 4

The real joke is on Nat as she is actually being sprayed with sugar water. Better prick yourself when you get to the top, Nat!

london peasant 4

He looks more like an Irish suburban lumberjack than he does a medieval peasant.

maya fey magatama

Not to mention his magatama earrings. Unless I am missing something, I doubt medieval peasants followed Japanese anime culture too closely.

– Brook marches with her flag.

london brook roberts 3

Which consists of three spades and two clubs. And a lion.

– All three teams are running with their flags. Gary & Mallory and Connor & Jonathan stop at a gas station together.

MALLORY: Do you even know what you’re doing, Dad?

london connor jonathan mallory

Well, I can think of one team that is standing there and doesn’t have a flat tire to change. I wonder what they will do?

london car 2

“Peeeeace outtttt, Kentucky. . . .basssstarrrrrrds.”

I like how the tire is more than half of the size of Mallory.

london gary erwin

If he survives this leg, Gary wants to hunt down and make some Kentucky Fried Ivy Leaguers.

london mallory erwin

What a great shot as we head to commercial break.

– We resume.

– Gary assumes he hit a pothole earlier, and could hear air coming out of the tire.

– We cut back to the frontrunners as they prepare to ride in the boats.

KAT: It looked like a tortoise shell or something.

london nat kat 5

Hey Kat: F–k you.

– Into the water the three teams go.

london brook claire 3

Yeah, the boats are worthless. Nobody can stay afloat.

brenchel 3

“Floaters hang onto your life vests!” is a suggestion that can be interpreted literally in this scenario.

london boat 2

I would personally ditch the boat entirely if the rules allowed me to do so.

london brook claire 4

So would Claire.

– Teams are forced to go back to the start, and must make it into the boat and stay in. This is a tough round so far.

london boat 3

Although it saves them from epic arm strain like in the Survivor: Africa water bucket challenge.

– Nat & Kat sink again. Back to the start. Thomas repeats to avoid sudden movements. They make it into the boat. Jill leans backwards and pulls on the rope in a consistent fashion.

london jill thomas

Dare I say Jill is on auto-pilot?

– Chad is driving now as he parks at the castle. He and Stephanie have made up time by making it there in fourth. Katie & Rachel are fifth.

KATIE: My pants are falling off

ian hat 5

“This is more important than your pants falling down!”

– Katie & Rachel are surprised to see “Tinkerbell and her boyfriend” still there. Katie thanks God for seeing Tinkerbell.

*goes to Google search*

Eh, I guess I can see it a little bit.

– Chad & Stephanie are up the ladder. Katie & Rachel ask a relevant question.

london katie rachel 2

The answer. . .
.
.
london peasant 5

Better than the current alternative being proposed at the top of the ladder.

rick james

Maybe they will recruit Rick James to do all of the licking.

– Ron & Tony finally make it to the Stonehenge and ask directions from that same weird-haired man from earlier.

RON: Do you know how many teams are ahead of us?

The man’s response?

london man

He may be a bit of an asshole, but at least he is hilarious. Editors cut out the part where he said “Lots and lots, and you don’t have a hope in an Irish Hell of catching up.”

– Ron says his confidence has been lost, and wonders if they have blown it this quickly. He thinks they can still catch up.

– Back to the frontrunners on the boats.

london boats

It’s like they are doing meditation exercises together.

london nat kat 6

These are freakin’ Yoga Boats. I must disagree with the notion that the turtle can win the race. Why?

world class track meet turtle

Because in World Class Track Meet for NES, Turtle always finishes more than ten seconds behind everyone else in a head-to-head matchup. Turtle never wins the race.

– Thomas encourages Jill and says she did an awesome job. They run into the field. Chad & Stephanie show up to the boats. He sees the other teams in the water.

CHAD: What’d I tell you? There they are. We’re about to freakin’ crush this s–t!

Chad is great.

– Chad & Stephanie enter the boat in their attempt to crush s–t.

london chad stephanie 2

This s–t ain’t crushed, man.

– Chad yells at Stephanie for being too close to him because he is much heavier than her.

– They get into the boat. His goal is to have both of them grabbing the rope with all hands. He also wants both of them to stand up. Chad is standing up, but Stephanie is failing to do so.

london chad stephanie 3

You would think an athlete would know the importance of a low centre of gravity.

london chad stephanie 4

But nope.

– Stephanie tells him to chill and that his refusal to chill is not helping. Back to the start.

– Andie & Jenna ask for directions. Guess where they go?

london andie jenna 4

Another KFC! Are teams choosing to stop solely at American fast food chains in London? And why does that teddy bear have a band-aid over his left eye?

london andie jenna 5

George Ross and his grandson decide to help Andie & Jenna. The grandson can stop staring, by the way.

– Andie asks if there are tourist offices close by that can help them. The man says ‘not really’. Her question before that?

ANDIE: Do you know Norwest castle?

london andie jenna 6

Ah, if only you tried more combinations, Andie.

ANDIE: There is an advantage and disadvantage that we don’t know each other coming into the race.
JENNA: The disadvantage is not knowing what the other person is really good at.

Geez. Teams doing the race together that do not know each other. What a gimmick.

tar 26

Dammit.

– Nick & Vicki stopped for directions (how many times have I typed that?) and Vicki admits she needs kindergarten directions.

– Yes. Ron & Tony are still lost.

– We cut back to the castle. The knights, specifically. Two knights are shown jousting.

london joust

We call him Sir Reeves of Christophus.

london horses

I am pretty sure this is the whole TAR 24 budget.

– Jill & Thomas must match the knight and horse with their flag colour.

london tournament

Yes! Teams are forced into a tournament? Finally we’re going to see some fatalities on The Amazing Race.

– It’s a Roadblock.

“Who’s ready to go into a battle with a knight in shining armour?”

– Phil says that teams must join forces with their very own knight in shining armour. He also goes on how it is a mythic land of knights of the round table.

london phil keoghan

Phil was going to dress up, but the production crew made the mistake of picking an outfit that is typical for a regular sized person.

– Teams must use a weapon known as a ballista to fire melons at a knight standing fifty feet away. Once they defeat their armoured opponent, they must find the jester to receive their next clue.

london knight 2

“Look at the size of those. . .ballistas!”

– A jester? Really?

london jester
JESTER: Now you see em, now you don’t!

What an odd man.

– Thomas volunteers himself for the Roadblock as he rides the horse with the knight. Brook & Claire open the clue. Brook is extraordinarily excited.

BROOK: Claire, you can do this! You can do this!
**Cut to confessional**
CLAIRE: There’s horses.
BROOK: Claire loves horses. Claire grew up on a ranch.
CLAIRE: I was like ‘so, I got this in the bag’.

london brook claire 5

The horse part, anyway.

london brook claire 6

I love how excited Brook is for Claire to do this task.

– Nat thinks she is fine with horses, and will do it.

london claire champlin 2

Claire looks like she is being kidnapped with her face covered like that.

– NAT: My knight in shining armour. . .finally.

Wow. Someone hasn’t gotten laid too often.

london claire champlin 3

“Stop, Sir Knight! Thou must. . .test. . .thy blood sugar!”

london brook kat

Brook and Kat share a laugh over two all-female teams dominating the opening round.

– Thomas nearly falls off of the horse despite holding on tight. He survives, and makes it to the ballista point. He starts firing melons. Claire and Nat begin as well.

london claire champlin 4

Claire fires her first shot. . .

london claire champlin 5

– Brook explains to Claire in a confessional that she has never seen her this strong.

BROOK: You were like Wonder Woman!

london brook claire 7

“As opposed to all of the other times when I thought you were a weak little whiny girl on camera.”

– BROOK: You just need to do it a little harder, and you’ve got this.
CLAIRE: This is awesome.

You’re right, Claire. This is awesome, but you’ll find out what makes this task so awesome in just a minute.

london nat strand

Nat shows off her technique.

– Thomas misses. Claire is grunting really hard on her next attempt.

london claire champlin 6

Claire is pulling on those ropes to making it fire like an elastic band at its limits. She misses, but the ropes fly back and forth at an extremely fast rate.

BROOK: You’ve got this, sister.
CLAIRE: There’s no way I’m going to be able to knock this guy over.

london knight 3

“You must focus on within,” says the knight.

– Connor & Jonathan are sixth to the castle. Jonathan wants to look for a bathroom, but the suggestion is ignored. Katie & Rachel are at the boats, and are surprised to “still see Tinker Bell team there”.

I think Katie & Rachel want to be close to Chad & Stephanie as an excuse to repeatedly say “Tinker Bell” throughout the race.

– Connor & Jonathan begin the ascension up the ladder. Connor tells us they are missing their graduation while on the race.

They probably skipped out on graduation because they could not get dates for prom.

JONATHAN: It’s our last opportunity to have fun and be kids in a way.

I don’t think you have to worry about that Jonathan.

london connor diemand yauman 2

Yeah. Definitely not their last chance.

london chad stephanie 5

You know a lot of teams suck at navigating when Chad & Stephanie are still in fourth despite failing this task twelve times.

– Katie & Rachel pass Chad & Stephanie along the course.

london katie rachel 3

Wow. Katie & Rachel have all of the tools to beat a joke to death, eh?

– Katie & Rachel are edited to be shown laughing loudly at Chad & Stephanie.

london chad stephanie 6

bangkok margie luke 3

Even Margie feels free to be LAUGHING at them.

– Now Katie & Rachel come up with a flattering nickname for Connor & Jonathan as they join them at the boats task.

london katie rachel 4

RACHEL: They’re so nerdy.

london connor jonathan 4

They’re the nerdiest nerds to ever nerd.

– Back to watching them melons being flung.

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Nat is not having much luck.

london jill thomas 2

Thomas is.

– He receives the clue from the jester.

london jester 2

The jester decides to be a jerk as he nearly throws the rolling pins at Thomas. The pins fall just short at Thomas’ feet.

JESTER: And THIS is for you!

london jester 3

“And to think me mother said I would not be a star! Well, you be wrong, Mum! Little Georgy is coming out of his shadow, hasn’t he?”

– Jill & Thomas read that they must search the grounds for the pit stop. The last team to check in -will- be eliminated. They take two seconds to find the pit stop.

london phil keoghan 2

Did a producer watch Heath Ledger in A Knight’s Tale shortly after his death and think, “wow, this would make for a great round of TAR?”

london knight 4

Don’t worry folks, he is being paid a lot of money for wearing that heavy armour all day.

london jester 4

Unlike the jester who jumped off the ball and scampered off for a quick coffee break.

london musician

If anybody knows the name of this instrument, please let me know. The other guy is playing bagpipes.

FIRST PLACE: JILL & THOMAS

london phil keoghan 3

An animated Phil, nonetheless.

– And yes, they win the Express Pass. Unlike in TAR Asia 3 or 4, the Express Pass is a physical item.

london phil keoghan 4

I find it hilarious that this is the first item that producers felt needed to be physical and in the racers’ hands. This would not happen again for another eight seasons.

PHIL: This could be the difference between staying in the race and going home.

Spoiler Alert: Neither. And that applies to every season ever.

– Blah blah Express Pass is huge blah blah glad we have it confessional.

– Katie & Rachel finish the boats. The difference between Katie & Rachel’s nicknames and Connor & Jonathan’s nicknames?

london connor jonathan 5

Connor & Jonathan choose nicknames that are flattering rather than being downright offensive.

– Claire and Nat are in a showdown at the ballista firing range.

london claire nat

Claire just misses, but Nat connects.

london kat chang 2

The jester meanwhile is grinding hard for that cheddar.

– Katie & Rachel are at the Roadblock. Katie tells Rachel to do it. Nat happily kicked the knight’s ass.

– Speaking of asses. . .

london claire champlin 7

Claire bounces right onto hers. The only way you snap back onto the ground like that is if you are putting full force into whatever it is you are doing. Claire is absolutely attacking this task.

– We hear some cringeworthy language from Rachel.

RACHEL: I thought I was going to literally bounce off.

london rachel johnston 2

Rachel literally grabbing a knight’s waist.

– The horse literally stops, and Rachel literally dismounts.

london nat kat 10

No boats required to go across this body of water. Just follow the music.

– They check into the pit stop.

SECOND PLACE: NAT & KAT

– Brook calls Claire a chica as Claire misses another shot.

– Kevin & Michael storm the castle. Michael says some words, but I cannot understand him.

london kevin michael wu 3

The important thing is that he is having fun.

– We cut back to Brook & Claire. Claire is still trying to complete the Roadblock.

BROOK: Think long and hard. Do what you got to do to make it go right through that guy.

london claire champlin 8

Claire musters all the energy she can into yet another toss.
(CLAIRE misses.)

BROOK: Don’t give up on me now, please. Focus.
CLAIRE: I’m not giving up. I’m just getting frustrated.

– Katie cheers on Rachel as she has a strange technique where the melon flies a few feet into the air, but with zero arc.

london jester 5

The jester is crying for attention.

– Claire fires another shot.

london flag

She massacres the flag. The knight stands there; he is taunting her. Although it is time for payback as Claire must be punished for desecrating the flag.

– Rachel lines up her next shot.

london rachel johnston 3

That’s just sad.

– Okay. It’s time. We know Claire is going to succeed.

BROOK: You’ve got this sister. You’re super super close.

london claire champlin 10

The drum beat is picking up. Claire is ready to tear it up in this bitch.

london brook roberts 4

BROOK: Right in the kisser. Show that knight who’s boss.

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She so has this.

london claire champlin 12

It’s in the bag. First the flag, and now the knight.

london claire champlin 13

mr sandman punch out

Say night night. . .knight.

READY!
AIM!
FIRE!

london claire champlin 14

The ballista snaps back with ferociousness. This is going twenty times faster than either of Rachel’s launches. I would hate to be on the receiving end of Newtonian physics there.

london claire champlin 15

jackie gleason

POW right in the kisser!

– We see it in slow motion. It is as if the first time was not funny enough.

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“Claire. . .that was the wrong kisser.”

london brook claire 8

How to Get a Concussion 101.

– We go to commercial break. We resume.

– Not surprisingly, we are shown the incident for a third time.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Well, a fourth time. CBS released the clip of Claire getting hit in the face a week before the season premiered. The clip instantly went viral.

– Yes, they even re-air Brook saying “right in the kisser; show that knight who’s boss”.

– A scene of somebody getting hit in the face with their own melon that backfired? Yeah, that’s pretty dang funny. That alone would put it in the top fifty of Mario Lanza’s Funny 115 for TAR.

But there is still more to this scene, and that is all because of Brook.

london claire champlin 16

arnold

“I knew I should have stayed home today.”

– You see, Claire feels like any person would after being hit in the face with a melon–she has an enormous headache, and could possibly have a concussion. She probably has whiplash.

prague pamela vanessa chong 6

We haven’t seen a head injury on TAR this bad since Vanessa lost her memory after diving into the swimming pool in the Czech Republic during TAR Asia 2, la.

london claire champlin 17

CLAIRE: I have the worst headache ever.
BROOK: I don’t doubt it.

I don’t know why, but Brook’s response is hilarious. Probably because the incident looked like it did enough damage to trigger the worst headache recorded.

Furthermore, Claire probably thinks that producers will intervene and let her skip over this task. After all, she did take a melon to the face at one hundred miles per hour of Newtonian force.

newton

Thankfully Sir Isaac Newton came up with this theory when an apple fell and hit him in the head rather than a freakin’ melon. History could have been drastically different.

london melon

It looks like a freakin’ crime scene.

CLAIRE: So what do I do now?

london claire champlin 18

CLAIRE: What?!

This isn’t The Amazing Race 14, 15, or 16. You are expected to do stuff this season.

BROOK: There’s no out.
CLAIRE: I can’t even see straight.

london brook roberts 5

Brook shakes her head before giving her a silent nod. It is the same expression parents give their children when they say “yeah, um, you’ve stillll gotta do your homework. I know you bumped your head on the coffee table, but you’ve gotta do your homework.”

That’s perhaps just as funny as a melon to the face. I wish there was a GIF of Brook’s facial expression here.

BROOK: They don’t call it The Amazing Race for nothin’.

tar 24 intro

Except TAR 24 which actually was called The Amazing Race For Nothing as its official name.

– Connor & Jonathan pass by Chad & Stephanie on the boats task. Chad is stunned by how quickly the game has changed, and says looks are deceiving.

But it was a mental task. How are you shocked that nerds passed you at a task which required far more strategy than it did physical strength?

london nerds

Nobody has love for The Nerds.

– Rachel misses another shot. Connor is doing the Roadblock, and wishes he could have used the bathroom before riding the horse.

london connor diemand yauman 3

sean rector horse

This is awkward. I think Sean Rector had a less awkward time riding a horse in Survivor: Marquesas.

london brook claire 9

Connor needs a bathroom but Claire needs some Tylenol.

– Claire is back on her feet. Any Tylenol?

london claire champlin 19

No, but she does receive an ice pack as a consolation prize. If only she could get an Express Pass on the swelling that is about to occur.

And if you have a massive headache after your face comes in contact with some melons, then you are motorboating wrong.

BROOK: It’s frustrating to see the other teams come from behind, but it’s not her fault at all. But you can’t blame her. The girl got whacked in the face with a watermelon.

london brook roberts 6

“I repeat, ‘a watermelon’.”

london brook roberts 7

Just saying that sentence aloud is enough to make Brook laugh out loud at her partner’s misfortune.

– Claire is fearful on her next attempt. Katie & Rachel are impressed with Claire’s recovery.

KATIE: I saw her get up and was like ‘okay, chick can hang’.

– Rachel misses. Connor misses. Claire is extremely close.

BROOK: Oh my god, Claire! I didn’t expect that right out of the gate!

Neither did you expect a watermelon hitting her in the face. As Julie Chen would say, “expect the unexpected”.

– Jonathan calls for Connor to picture the ballista as a giant slingshot.

bully slingshot

Connor will ace this challenge if he can relate this to using the slingshot in the video game Bully. Only true nerds would still be playing this game in 2010.

– Rachel hits the target, but it does not collapse.

BROOK: I am so proud of you right now it’s not even funny how proud I am of you right now.

london claire champlin 20

If she gets hit in the face again, she may have to call it a day.

london knight 5

Holy crap. Brook confirms she completes the task on her second attempt after the injury. I think Claire sums up her success better than anyone else could. Claire?

london brook claire 10

The idea of Home Shopping Hosts going from ultra family-friendly TV to joining a competition and shouting “I made it my bitch” after getting hit in the face like in a Jet Li action flick is a crazy transformation.

london brook roberts 8

Call now and we’ll DOUBLE the price because we are all sold out on ‘giving a f–ks, bitches!’

– That’s right. Claire wants to make you the ‘HO’ in her ‘HOme Shopping Network’.

– By the way, I just found a clip from TAR 28 when Brook & Claire are brought back. Believe it or not, Brook gets hit in the face with a watermelon this time.

london brook claire 11

Give them a few days before they can recount the incident without getting super excited about it. Oh yeah, I bet Claire’s head still hurts.

– Brook talks about being proud of her.

BROOK: You are the coolest girl I have ever met in my entire life!

london brook claire 12

Claire clearly has other things on her mind at the moment.

london brook claire 13

I think Brook smoked some of the rocks at the Stonehenge, because she is really fired up at the moment.

– Connor takes out the target. He and Jonathan share a geeky high five. Rachel also succeeds. Connor & Jonathan blindly run behind Brook & Claire. All three teams are at the ditch. Claire repeatedly states she cannot feel her face, but Brook ignores her to point out the other teams.

– Jonathan is not a runner, but says he is running the hardest he has ever ran in his life. Both teams make it over the ditch. Connor makes it to the mat before anyone else. Jonathan is right behind. He decides to really hop onto the mat with authority.

london jonathan schwartz 2

“I’m a little Glee kid thin and tall,
Here is my style. . .”

london jonathan schwartz 3

“And here is my fall.”

PHIL: Wow. That was quite an entry.

london finish

For the first time since 2001 in the eighth grade, a woman touches Jonathan. Granted Claire did it strictly for balance, but hey, it counts.

THIRD PLACE: CONNOR & JONATHAN

FOURTH PLACE: BROOK & CLAIRE

london brook roberts 9

“Cue the Running Man!”

london brook claire 14

BROOK: We were right there in the position to be in first. . .

london brook claire 15

BROOK: And then the watermelon. . .

london brook claire 16

Aaaand they both lose it.

london brook claire 17

Yeah, this confessional is over.

FIFTH PLACE: KATIE & RACHEL

Let’s move on.

– Chad is doing the Roadblock. Gary & Mallory are eighth to the castle. I wonder how much time they lost over their flat tire?

– Kevin & Michael attempt to enter their boat.

london kevin michael wu 4

Well that didn’t work.

london kevin michael wu 5

Neither did that.

london kevin michael wu 6

Nor that.

london kevin michael wu 7

And that.

KEVIN: Don’t let us sink.

london kevin michael wu 8

And that.

– Andie & Jenna enter a Morrison’s and find the castle on a map they buy. Jenna says their biggest issue is to not let each other down. Nick & Vicki do not want to be last, but Vicki feels like she is last.

– Ron & Tony do not understand why they are more lost than they have ever been in their whole lives.

london tony stovall

Tony’s confession: He graduated from a community college affiliated with Stanford rather than Stanford itself.

– Chad defeats the knight. He receives the clue. Chad guarantees the pit stop is on the other side of the castle. The peasants begin to threaten Gary & Mallory.

london gary mallory erwin

The task comes off as being such fun that Mallory cannot help but scream in advance for the fun that is about to come.

london mallory erwin 2

“Yay muddy water!”

london mallory erwin 3

“Yay leeches!”

– I have never seen so many teams having such fun with several mean tasks. How are Kevin & Michael doing?

london kevin michael wu 9

This would be the perfect time for the Price is Right fail horn.

– Gary & Mallory catch up to Kevin & Michael.

GARY: They looked like a couple of carnies in a duckin’ boot.

Some sort of circus term, I guess.

– Kevin says he eventually figured out how to do the boat task correctly. Well, not on his own entirely, as Michael states.

london kevin michael wu 10

At least Papa Jumba is able to give credit where credit is due. Kevin may have some issues with his ego. Michael clearly loves self-deprecating humour. I love it.

– Chad’s path to the other side of the castle proves to be the wrong decision.

london chad stephanie 7

You know this is a tough leg when a team can be repeatedly lost throughout the day but yet still be in the middle of the pack.

– Andie & Jenna are ninth to the castle. They prepare to storm it.

– Nick & Vicki stop at yet another building for directions.

london vicki casciola 2

It may help to write something down, Vicki.

– Remember how Ron & Tony have been lost since the minute they entered British airspace?

london ron kellum

Well, they’re still lost. Their position has not changed.

– Commercial. We resume. They stop at a gas station. The lady informs Tony that he and Ron have been driving in the wrong direction the whole time.

london tony stovall 2

Uh oh, indeed.

jeff winger

I think Tony’s education is as legitimate as Jeffrey Winger’s law degree from Columbia University.

– Gary & Mallory and Kevin & Michael are on a focused path across the moat. The father-daughter team does not sink once. Where are Chad & Stephanie?

london chad stephanie 8

Not at the pit stop. I can tell you that.

– Michael says his favourite moment of the leg was Kevin’s continuous encouragement as they pull the boat.

– Vicki claims she and Nick drove for three hours before finally finding the castle. Andie & Jenna are ninth to the boats. They hear Nick & Vicki storming the castle. I bet they believe they are in the bottom two spots.

– Andie & Jenna have yet to sink in the boat.

– Nick & Vicki reach the top of the castle. Remember how today was the first time they have heard of a Stonehenge?

london nick vicki

Well, they are going to try and learn another new word today.

london peasant 6

estonia matt tomljenovich 4

Yes, this is the sequel to “Are You a Candelehbrah?”

– At one point Vicki stands on top of the battlement, and the camera pans to her right.

london nick vicki 2

It’s a flag standing on some sort of stone structure. Let’s look elsewhere. I know a battlement when I see one.

– While Nick & Vicki ask locals for a dictionary, Ron & Tony have finally found the road leading to the castle.

london ron tony 5

Appropriate given that they have been lost for at least four hours or more since exiting the Stonehenge.

RON: It’s either going to be a good moment or a frustrating moment.

I predict the latter.

– We cut back to our fair castle grounds, and watch one more joust.

london joust 2

Here they come.

london joust 3

Haha, loser.

london joust 4

He is totally milking his injury. Leave it to an Englishman to exaggerate his injury during a sporting tournament. I would much prefer the Joust from American Gladiators.

american gladiators nes joust

Unless it is the NES version of the Joust from American Gladiators.

– Gary says he is ready for battle in this Roadblock. Meanwhile Mallory whines at the jester.

MALLORY: Oh my godddd, I wish I could juggle the ball.

london mallory erwin 4

Mallory Ervin: The first human being in the 21st century who aspires to be a jester. Screw being Miss Kentucky, jesterhood is where it’s at.

– Nick checks out one of the flags. Vicki thinks it is it but Nick insists they must find the battlement.

NICK: We’ve asked every single one.

london nick decarlo

“Silly battlements forgot to take this flag. It’s mine now you STUPID BATTLEMENTS!”

– Nick & Vicki catch on. Vicki admits their own stupidity in a confessional.

gloucester nick vicki 3

I love that a highly physical and highly educated all-male team is being blown out by a team that looks like this, did not know what a Stonehenge was, and asked locals if they are an inanimate object. This is embarrassing for Ron & Tony.

– VICKI: Just kidding. I promise you we’re not that dumb!
(Blunder sound effect plays.)

london peasant 7

He has been dethroned as the village idiot.

– Kevin is doing the Roadblock. Gary shoots a few melons.

KEVIN (flat voice): This is so cool. I’m on a horse.

Could you sound less enthusiastic, Kevin?

– Chad & Stephanie have now run the whole perimeter of the castle. Chad does not feel comfortable going back the way they came.

london castle 2

If Mario was sent to this castle, he would have found all 120 stars before Chad & Stephanie checked into the mat.

STEPHANIE: Oh my god. We could not be more wrong right now.

london chad waltrip 3

Maybe they are walking on the wrong side of the road. It is England after all.

london chad stephanie 9

This leg is driving her nuts.

– Chad & Vicki are running on the path towards the boats.

london nick vicki 4

Um, guys?

london nick vicki 5

Boats are over here.

london nick vicki 6

U-Turn. Time to turn around.

VICKI: We’re just straight dumb.

london vicki casciola 3

Now if you look on your right here. . .

NICK: Ridiculous.

london boats 2

I couldn’t agree more.

– Ron & Tony are now at the castle. They do not have to drive around anymore. Ron & Tony have a chance to survive this leg. Unbelievable.

– Nick & Vicki stop to read their clue.

NICK: We might be our own boat.

Yes, and the battlement will assist you with getting across.

london nick vicki 7

The boats are directly behind Nick & Vicki.

london boats 3

The camera operator gets away with zooming in while standing directly in front of Vicki. Incredible.

NICK: Maybe we are ridiculous.

london nick vicki 8

Maybe?

– Commercial break. We resume.

– They continue to speculate on the boats.

london boats 4

Again. . .boats.

london nick decarlo 2

Indeed.

– Andie & Jenna are in a decisive ninth position at the Roadblock. Jenna decides to do the task herself. Now let’s go to a more interesting team.

london nick vicki 9

lol that’s not how you use a boat

– Nick pulls them back to the starting line. I am amazed a team has done worse than them today.

london nick vicki 10

How long before Nick & Vicki return to the battlement and exchange their flag for a white one? A couple more mistakes and they are probably going to prepare for their surrender.

– Ron & Tony make it up the wall.

london tony stovall 3

Tony appears to love water about as much as a cat right now.

– Nick encourages Vicki. There is major suspense as Ron & Tony supposedly see Nick & Vicki in the boat. We cut to Gary and Kevin flinging melons at knights. No success as of yet. Chad & Stephanie are -still- searching for the pit stop.

STEPHANIE: I feel like I’m in The Hobbit now.

london chad stephanie 10

There is no way Stephanie thought of that reference from reading the book. She must have seen an advanced screening of the film before starting TAR 17. I cannot picture her or Chad being mellow enough to sit down and read a book for extended periods of time.

By the way, I hate Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit in general. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is the only movie I have ever fell asleep while watching.

Seriously. It is the most boring film series to be shown to me in my entire life. I have heard Bicentennial Man is a strong contender.

– Gary and Kevin appear to knock the target over seconds apart. Both teams are running to the mat. Chad & Stephanie see an arrow. Mallory starts screaming when she sees a ditch. Gary informs her he can see Phil above the ditch.

london gary mallory erwin 3

If this were Survivor, an idol would be hidden behind the tree that Gary is touching.

– Suspense is built as all three teams are shown running to the mat.

london gary mallory erwin 4

I love how Mallory is already screeching and celebrating before she knows what team number she is. It’s a page taken out of the Jonathan Baker playbook.

london kevin michal gary mallory

For all the Jumbas know, they are in dead last. They have not seen teams behind them since arriving at the castle.

SIXTH PLACE: GARY & MALLORY

SEVENTH PLACE: KEVIN & MICHAEL

– Odd to see father-son and father-daughter check in simultaneously. Nevermind, Mallory points this out two seconds after I have typed this.

london kevin michael gary mallory

Yes, Mallory says this. I love how Mallory assumes we all watched the start of this episode and thought “Michael and Gary, wow, they are going to be downright terrible and more useless than Meredith & Maria”.

london phil keoghan 5

If Phil was on The Amazing Race, Mallory would think Phil’s age makes him a weak racer.

– Chad & Stephanie arrive at the mat.

EIGHTH PLACE: CHAD & STEPHANIE

– Chad is humbled and knows arguing will impact their race negatively. He wants to switch up their strategy for next time. Chad believes they shall grow on the adventure.

– Jenna hits the knight’s feet, but damage is not done. Nick & Vicki continue making progress in the boat. They are out of the boat. This is Ron & Tony’s crucial moment to make up for lost time.

london ron tony 6

london tony stovall 4

. . .Sigh.

– Jenna completes the task. She and Andie run to the pit stop.

NINTH PLACE: ANDIE & JENNA

Yeah. They’re not long for this race.

– Nick chooses to do the Roadblock. He loves riding horses.

london ron tony 7

london ron tony 8

london ron tony 9

Ron & Tony do not love riding boats.

– Nick sucks at firing melons. He is getting closer to the target.

london ron tony 10

Ron & Tony are not.

– Nick knows how to handle those melons and hits his target. They receive the clue. Ron & Tony debate body weight.

TONY: I’m already one hundred pounds on you. I’m trying to transfer as much to the front so it’s not all back here. Cause there’s one hundred more pounds back here.

london tony stovall 5

There’s very little about this team that transfers much of anything to the front since they landed in London. All one hundred extra pounds at the back of the (fanny) pack has indeed put them. . .at the back of the pack.

In short, this has not been Ron & Tony’s day.

– Nick & Vicki hit the mat. Phil surprises them with a pop quiz.

london phil keoghan 6

PHIL: Nick & Vicki. . .
.
.
.
london phil keoghan 7

PHIL: . . .What’s the name of this country?

He refuses to tell them what place they are in? Imagine if they fail this pop quiz when in last, and Phil eliminates them right there?

But there is no way they can fail this. Well, maybe one. But both teammates? No way.

london nick vicki 11

VICKI: We’re in London, right?

london phil keoghan 8

“The Stanford team lost. . .to this?”

china drew feinberg

“I thought we were in Namibia!”

kendra fumes 2

“Ghetto Africa?”

drew peru

“Or Peru!”

freddy kendra intro

“Ghetto China?”

No, no, no, and no.

PHIL: That’s right. The country of London.

london phil keoghan 9

Phil pulled the ol’ sarcasm card.

london phil keoghan 10

This is Phil’s true reaction.

london phil keoghan 11

Or this. He is glad to have a New Zealand education.

PHIL: Where do you think you are?
NICK: Tenth.
PHIL: You should gamble more in Vegas cause you’re right.

london phil keoghan 12

“You sir are a genius.”

NICK: I counted the cars. We’re tenth.

london nick decarlo 3

Oh my god. He is being smug. The guy who does not know battlements, stonehedges, or any knowledge of the United Kingdom is not only being smug, but being smug in -tenth-.

I can only imagine where Nick’s edit goes from here.

TENTH PLACE: NICK & VICKI

– Ron & Tony are halfway through traveling by boat. They will be able to complete the race on their own terms.

london ron tony 11

Finish strong, guys.

london ron tony 12

Well, that’s off the table.

london ron tony 13

I wonder if they counted the cars coming in. Are they as brilliant as Nick Decarlo?

– We skip them doing the boat task, and they do not even have to do the Roadblock. The team is sent directly to Phil. They sound out of breath at the mat.

london ron tony 14

They are relieved it is over.

– Ron is happy to help his friend live a dream (he really is playing up the Dan Pious angle) and feels good about it. Ron is happy to have Tony as a friend. Tony is not allowed to say anything.

The end.

london ron tony 15santiago adrian davis 22

japan eric lisa 8

For the third season in a row, one team is not allowed to complete the first leg in its entirety.

Next Time on TAR: Teams are overwhelmed in Ghana as the race kicks into high gear who will rise to the occasion, who will fall under the pressure, and who will be eliminated next?

london jill thomas 3

“And who will change Jill’s batteries?”

london gary mallory erwin 5

“And who will help Mallory learn how to blink. . .next?”

I did it. Holy crap. I made it through what is arguably the best season premiere of all time. Over sixty minutes of actual footage in the episode, and none of it was filler. There is always something to talk about. If you thought the Heroes vs. Villains premiere was one of the funniest episodes in competitive reality TV history, the premiere of TAR 17 may be a contender.

CONFESSIONAL COUNT

BROOK ROBERTS.CLAIRE CHAMPLIN 9.4
CHAD WALTRIP.STEPHANIE SMITH 3.5
KATIE SEAMON.RACHEL JOHNSTON 5.4
CONNOR DIEMAND-YAUMAN.JONATHAN SCHWARTZ 2.4
NAT STRAND.KAT CHANG 4.4
KEVIN WU.MICHAEL WU 3.2
NICK DECARLO.VICKI CASCIOLA 1.4
RON KELLUM.TONY STOVALL 6.6
JILL HANEY.THOMAS WOLFARD 3.7
GARY ERVIN.MALLORY ERVIN 3.3
ANDIE DEKROON.JENNA SYKES 6.4

Team Averages

Below is a list of all teams that rank closely with the team that was eliminated this episode, ranked by racing average.

e.g. Don & Mary Jean finished 9th, 8th, 8th, 8th, and 8th. Add up the numbers and divide it by the number of legs they have played.

Therefore their average is 8.2.

Bulls–t Round One/Starting Line Eliminations
Eric & Lisa N/A
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A

— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0 TAR 4
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0 TAR 3

11th Ron & Tony 11.0 TAR 17
11th Adrian & Dana 11.0 TAR 16
11th Preston & Jennifer 11.0 TAR 14
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0 TAR 13
11th Ari & Staella 11.0 TAR 12
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0 TAR 11
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0 TAR 10
11th John & Scott 11.0 TAR 9
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0 TAR 7
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0 TAR 6
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0 TAR 5
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0 TAR 2
11th Matt & Ana 11.0 TAR 1
10th Edwin & Monica 10.0 Only team to finish last for the first two rounds of the race TAR Asia 3
10th Yani & Nadine 10.0 Would have survived round two, but were marked for elimination and thus officially finished in last both rounds TAR Asia 4
10th Jody & Shannon 10.0 TAR Adventure 16
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0 TAR 9
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0 TAR 11
10th Neena & Amit 10.0 TAR Asia 3
10th A Black Family 10.0 TAR 8
— F +–
10th Steve & Linda 9.4 TAR 14
10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????) TAR 13
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.) TAR 7
11th Garrett & Jessica 9.5 TAR 15
10th Kate & Pat 9.0 TAR 12
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0 TAR 11
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0 May or may not be gutsy. TAR 2
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0 TAR 6
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF TAR 3
9th Marianna & Julia 8.33 TAR 12
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33 TAR 4
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2 Saved by NEL once TAR 6
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0 TAR 10
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0 TAR 1
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8 Yielded TAR 9
8th Marisa & Brooke 7.75 Sucked. TAR 13
7th Mika & Canaan 7.67  Why the heck did they sign up? TAR 15
9th Marcy & Ron 7.67 Bald. TAR 15
9th Isaac & William 7.5 TAR Asia 3
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33 TAR 5
9th Alan & Wendy 7.25 Saved by NEL once TAR Asia 4
8th Manas & Sahil 7.0 TAR Asia 4
8th Singaporean Sophie & French Born Aurelia 7.0 (French Born Aurelia sadly does not know the English words for ‘team averages’. :/) TAR Asia 2
8th Aiello Family 7.0 TAR 8

Rank the Teams

1) Ron & Tony

Oh, Ron & Tony. Ron could run fast out of the gate, and they had the advantage of landing in the country of London more than twenty minutes before everyone else.

They could have been three hours ahead of everyone and still be in last. This may be one of the worst opening round performances I have seen by any team. Perhaps Meredith & Maria being lost for more than three hours on a single road in Iceland is the only other feat that out-stinks this one.

This team appeared to be ideal to go far into the race. They are alpha males with a good education. Especially when they made it to the airport faster than nearly everyone else.

Unlike Meredith & Maria, Ron & Tony did not have the luxury of being saved by a mid-leg equalizer in London. In fact, this might be the start of the trend where TAR opts to not have the “first 3 teams check out early next morning, next 3 teams depart 30 minutes later, and the last 5 teams depart one hour later”.

Ron & Tony were shown stopping a ridiculous number of times, and they probably sensed how far behind they were because they had not seen a team all day long. The freakin’ guy at the Stonehenge outright told them “lots and lots and lots of teams have come through”. Heck, I think TAR 25’s cast came into London before Ron & Tony found their way.

Ron did in fact complete the watermelon challenge (he did it in three shots), but was not shown on TV. Their total time spent in the car was eight hours. It is unclear whether they did in fact skip traveling by boat to the Roadblock.

I am curious how Ron & Tony’s edit would have played out if they made a deeper run. Personally I think they would have had a one-dimensional fan favourite edit, but alas, they instead must suffer the embarrassment of losing to a team who thinks London is a country after spending a full day there.

P.S. Sorry you did not last long enough to receive any celebrity comparisons, Ron. If only you lasted longer.

Rank the Legs

1) Gloucester, Massachusetts, USA -> England, United Kingdom, London (according to Nick Decarlo)

What a great premiere. Rarely a dull moment and perhaps a contender for one of the funniest openers ever.

This is perhaps the most famous episode in TAR history simply because of Claire being hit in the face with a watermelon.

Let me correct that statement: It is the episode that holds the most recognizable clip in TAR history.

I can back this up. You see, I recently finished spending 17 years going through school. Elementary school, high school, and university. While in elementary school, nearly everyone I knew watched Survivor and/or TAR.

High school in 2004-2009? The popularity dropped significantly. Teachers participated in a fantasy pool, and classmates Anita and Jordan spoke to me about Survivor: Gabon at the time.

University in 2009-2013? Yeah. I heard one woman talk about it on the bus in 2011, and my linguistics professor brought up Soo Hawk during my final year. Lastly, my friend Jake said “look, they are going to Nicaragua. Too bad it is all staged inside of a studio” when Nicaragua was announced.

There was one other exception in the past five years.

When the watermelon clip was pushed to being viral, my friend Jered posted it online. I know Jered well from high school–I can assure you he could not care less about competitive reality TV.

Well, two more years went by and he re-posted the clip. He, Doug, and Clint talked about it and thought it was one of the funniest things they have ever seen. Again, NONE of them watch this genre of television. My jaw dropped to see them engaging in a conversation that related to Survivor or TAR.

I can guarantee you they have not seen any other clips in the past six or seven years. Thus, I can safely conclude that Claire getting hit in the face with a watermelon is TAR’s only true viral claim to fame. TAR 26 starts airing next week, and with the current numbers of only five million Americans following the series, it is fair to state that TAR has not achieved recognition anywhere remotely close to the watermelon incident since then.

For those who bothered to watch the full episode, we got to see sinking boats, the start of robotic Jill, a creative starting line that is not Los Angeles or New York, and a self-drive leg to open up the season.

Watching teams struggle with a stick shift or basic geography is a favourite past time of mine.

This opening round leaves almost nothing to be desired.

Did you forget to read part one? Here it is. https://thesupacoowackiestblogintheuniverse.wordpress.com/2015/02/17/the-amazing-race-17-season-premiere-ranking-part-one/

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6 Responses to The Amazing Race 17 season premiere ranking part two

  1. Pingback: The Amazing Race 17 season premiere ranking part one | Thesupacoowackiestblogintheuniverse's Blog

  2. polisi25 says:

    Fun leg, which is surprising considering the the tasks of this season only started when they reached Eastnor Castle, but the self-driving around London is insane.
    And speaking about Brenchel. Their original season (20) is the season that started my Reality Tv palette into other reality shows (read my Gateway blog, I have seldom watch Survivor), despite ironically being my last season that I watch on television (sure, I watch from time to time, but not as obsessed in my earlier years).
    Still, I only would recommend this season for the course (Watermelon, Camp, Bollywood, Gliding up and para-gliding down a building), and not the plot (which is so inconsistent that only a few teams came across likable).
    And despite being my favorite team in Season 24, I find Brenchel bland in that season (Rachel cried & Brendan consoled her a lot, Rachel had verbal arguments with Vanessa & to a lesser extent Border Patrols…and not much else).

    • I can pretty much go the rest of my lifetime without ever acknowledging TAR 24’s existence. Whenever I get to blogging TAR 24 in a few years, it’s going to be dead last by a mile.

      You essentially have the backpack incident as the only highlight of the season, and that would be considered a weak moment in any other season.

      • polisi25 says:

        Backpack, what do you mean about that incident? And I’m talking about Season 20 instead of Season 24 ( Which I will agree that it’s horrible with the course and the task, but at least the plot between the teams for Season 24 is decent and logical as a whole)

      • Oh, I was leaping off your statement regarding Brenchel being the only remotely likable team in TAR 24.

        There was an incident in TAR 24 where Mark refused to continue on with the race without his backpack, and essentially eliminated himself. Absolutely nothing else happens for the rest of the season, and the only team I enjoyed remotely that made the top eight was Leo & Jamal.

      • polisi25 says:

        I didn’t say that that I only like Brenchel ( Leo & Jamal is definitely my second favorite, and I already said that I’m very indifferent to Brenchel 20) in that season. I enjoyed them for that season due their character storyline as a whole (unlike Dave & Connor, that is unfortunate, and Caroline & Jennifer, that is disappointing with a good hype sustaining them)

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