Missed part one of the season premiere blog? Here it is. https://thesupacoowackiestblogintheuniverse.wordpress.com/2015/02/17/the-amazing-race-17-season-premiere-ranking-part-one/
Just once somebody needs to crash into Phil.
– Ron leads the sprint. He looks ferocious.
He could run to Logan Airport and beat the other teams there at this rate.
– Teams read that they are flying to London, England and receiving one hundred bucks. The Stonehenge is their destination.
Or Stonehedge. Not sure which.
– Brook & Claire lead the pack of cars.
Gone are the days with gas-guzzling SUVs. . .for now.
Well, that’s what happens when the car manufacturer has only 5’4″ models test drive it for them.
– NICK: This is what we’ve been waiting for: To win a million buckarooskis.
Buckarooskis? Isn’t that those fierce oddly-shaped tooth animals located in the snowy mountains of Australia?
– Intro time. I’ll make fun of their intro shots next week.
Except for this kid. Hilarious.
– Teams continue to freak out over being on The Amazing Race. Brook asks some cyclists on the road.
This town is so old they don’t even have cars yet!
Surprisingly, the first team to say “bump me” is not the volleyball players.
Whoa! Only two minutes into the race and Brook is channeling her inner Samantha Jones and already doing some freaky s–t on the race.
– Neither Ron nor Tony are familiar with Boston. Luckily, Tony has a compass. He knows they must go south.
Hopefully they have better luck with a compass than Joe & Heidi did.
– Ron thinks their strongest suit will be having the ability to navigate well.
He insists it is better than his running ability.
– Banter between the couples.
STEPH: I’ve seen the Stonehenge before.
CHAD: What? You mean you’ve seen it on TV.
STEPH: Well, that’s cause I’ve never been.
– Thomas went to Notre Dame.
Lenny went to Notre Dame too. He saw somebody pointing in the general direction. Odd reason to enrol, I know.
– Jill is a hairstylist. She has not been to college, and Thomas believes his education will give him a big advantage.
– Andie says it is their first time in a car together.
Get it? Because of their relationship?
– Andie explains to her daughter that she is perceived to be an aggressive driver and wants to tame it down. Jenna tells her not to do so. Andie has poor timing to change her habits, clearly.
JENNA: The first time we heard each other’s voices was actually through the application video for The Amazing Race. This is actually the third time we’ve been around each other.
Well, at least they knew to communicate telepathically to wear matching outfits.
– They live in different states and have own families. This is their time together. Connor & Jonathan are on the wrong side of the city after a local tells them they are going the wrong way. Jonathan hits a speed bump.
He nearly takes out the car as opposed to untying a knot in this speed bump.
Welcome to my airport, bitches.
– Ron & Tony park first and enter the shuttle bus. Nobody else is with them.
Sweet shuttle bus.
– Stephanie asks Chad to smell her bandana.
Can’t say she didn’t warn you, Chad. You could break Niroo’s record of having the shortest amount of race time to pass before vomiting.
– Chad is really excited to see only one team has parked so far.
Really excited. This dude is pumped.
– Thomas does not believe two teams are already ahead of them. Katie & Rachel are fourth, but initially struggle to open the trunk. They switch to the other airline once on the shuttle.
KATIE: Drive as fast as your little foot can take us.
– Brook & Claire and Gary & Mallory enter the same shuttle bus. They both are screaming and Mallory is flailing everywhere. Both teams scream for the shuttle to go before Nat & Kat are able to take their bags out of the trunk.
Gary wonders what he has gotten himself into.
– BROOK: And it begins.
– Ron & Tony are first into the airport. They see the flagged counter. Ron & Tony book the first seats onto the flight. They want the Express Pass.
– Stephanie assumes they have to wait in a big line. Chad thinks there should be flags. He listens to his girlfriend, and they are stuck in line. Jill & Thomas jump ahead and take the second pair of seats.
– Katie & Rachel are in the terminal. An attendant approaches Chad & Stephanie and informs them to go elsewhere. It’s a montage of both teams running for the final seats.
– Commercial. We resume.
– More running. Chad & Stephanie make it to the counter. Jill & Thomas are still there. Katie & Rachel miss it by seconds, we assume.
If there was a choice between being dead or alive, Katie feels closer to death right now.
– To virgitlantic for Katie & Rachel. That is how they pronounced it.
– Gary & Mallory and Brook & Claire run to Virgin Atlantic (better flight was American Airlines). A bunch of teams meet up and introduce each other. Claire is ready to introduce herself to something else in the airport, though.
CLAIRE: I feel like I need to barf.
“Dear valued guest,
An attendant will be with you shortly to hold your hair back.
Thank you for choosing Virgin Atlantic. Especially Connor & Jonathan.”
– Vicki informs Mallory that she is nicknamed Sunshine.
NICK: Is Green not here yet?
GARY: Green’s not here.
NICK: The two singers.
GARY: The guy who looks like Harry Potter.
KATIE: We call them “Team Glee.”
If Connor is Harry Potter. . .
Was he responsible for vanquishing The Dark Lord in TAR 1?
Wait, how do they know they are singers? Did Connor & Jonathan seriously sing a ton during sequester at the hotel or repeated all of Phil’s words verbatim?
– Connor & Jonathan start singing about being in last place. The teams on the first flight all hang out. Tony thinks others have underestimated him because of his gut.
– Teams welcome Connor & Jonathan for finally making it to the airport. Connor realizes he has bad navigation skills.
BROOK: Let’s just say we won’t be following them.
I love how the teams do not feel threatened by Connor & Jonathan to the extent that they receive a standing ovation for making it to the airport.
Everybody needs a ray of sunshine after their darkest hour.
– Teams joke that they could have driven to New York and come back to Logan Airport in that time.
– The first flight departs. Stephanie wants to haul butt to get the Express Pass.
– The second flight departs.
FIRST FLIGHT LANDS: 6:57AM (RON/TONY;CHAD/STEPH; JILL/THOMAS)
– Jill & Thomas are the first to find their car in the parking garage.
– Ron & Tony are second to a car. They are going to stop and buy a map. Chad & Stephanie are third to a vehicle.
Wow. Teams suck at adjusting to the steering wheel on the opposite side.
– Stephanie says driving a stick left-handed is tricky. Chad informs Stephanie on the correct direction to drive. Thomas continues the overkill of explaining the Express Pass.
THOMAS: It is a Get Out of Jail Free card.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Every explanation for an Exemption in The Mole and The Apprentice or Hidden Immunity Idol in Survivor ever.
– Tony has a degree from the University of Arizona and also has an undergrad degree from Stanford. He and Ron assume it will be in play, and will take the others by surprise.
– Stephanie describes Chad’s temper as “loud and has cussing involved”.
Isn’t that. . .every temper meltdown ever?
STEPHANIE: He was a football player.
Yes, only football players get loud and cuss. Unlike ice hockey players who are mild-mannered creatures.
STEPHANIE: I’m not one of your teammates. I’m your girlfriend.
Oddly enough, it makes no difference because you would get a pat on the butt regardless.
– Chad is yelling at her to go if she’s got it. Well, after she didn’t have it because she drove back to the airport.
STEPHANIE: I’m trying to take in being here.
CHAD: Who cares about being here. I don’t care about that right now.
STEPHANIE: You’re just going to make this miserable for both of us if you keep acting like that.
CHAD: . . .
There’s cars, a bicyclist, and highway signs. Welcome to exotic London! Take it all in, Chad. What? And you thought there was nothing to see.
SECOND FLIGHT LANDS: 7:18AM/TWENTY-ONE MINUTES LATER (Contains everyone else).
– Wow, that advantage is not much. Lots of running. Mallory leads the way for Gary. Brook & Claire are fourth to the car park, but Brook has a Samantha moment and fails to go for the correct door. She switches and starts operating the stick shift.
– Claire describes Brook as having an extremely quick pace and being tough to keep up with on a regular basis. Hence the vomiting, I assume.
Uh oh. Four all-female teams required to not only operate a stick shift, but do so from the opposite side. If I know my TAR history, this could be trouble.
NAT: Dammit, it’s a stick shift.
Yeah. This could be trouble.
– Nat & Kat are fifth into a vehicle. Nick & Vicki are sixth. We cut back to Nat & Kat.
A lot quicker to type compared to “French Born Aurelia & Singaporean Sophie” throughout TAR Asia 2, I must say.
– Kat passes Nat an object and calls her an obscene name.
That’s just mean. If anybody is being a finger pricker here, it’s Kat.
– So Nat finger pricks herself for the finger pricker that she is presented to be.
Watch the road!
– Nat is a type one diabetic. Her schedule will be off because she will not know when she is going to eat. Kat takes her reading.
“337! Wait, aren’t I supposed to be reading something else other than a Bayer Contour Next Test Metre? Oh, a map!”
KAT: Nat and I have run half marathons together and that hasn’t slowed her down before. It’s a prime example of being active and still managing your blood sugars.
Like. . .like a three-legged race? That sounds difficult. I am a long distance runner, and I must say that half marathons would indeed slow me down.
If you’re not slowing down after ten kilometres, then you are holding way too much back at the start of a race.
– You know what a leg in London could not be complete without?
– Brook & Claire recap the roundabouts. Rachel tells Katie to stay straight and be efficient. Gary & Mallory celebrate being on the correct road.
– Nick is confused and lost. Michael quietly but quickly orders Kevin to turn left.
Good luck shoulder-checking when turning left, Kevin.
KEVIN: Are you sure this is the right way?
MICHAEL: I don’t know.
So uh. . .why did you tell him to turn left?
Clearly this is not Kevin meant by saying that he could “Depend” on his father to navigate. Nose plugs, everyone!
– Andie & Jenna sound out of breath. Andie’s car is smelling bad as she knows she is killing the car. Even Connor & Jonathan can smell the burn from Andie’s car.
C’mon. You seriously thought every female would handle a stick shift correctly in TAR this season? This season may be progressive, but we’re not aiming for gigantic leaps here.
– Chad & Stephanie are lost, and enter a business that is renowned for its intellectual patrons that are within.
Why, McDonalds of course! i’m lovin their brilliance.
– Chad & Stephanie are told to go into a roundabout (surprise) and turn right. They return to their car.
STEPHANIE: I need to turn right and go into this lane.
CHAD: Noooo. We’ve been driving on the left hand side of the road so we’re gonna go around and THEN go around it.
Driving on the opposite side of the road is truly an adjustment.
– Ron & Benjamin Franklin–er, Tony, screwed up. Mostly Tony. They are lost.
Just imagine Benjamin Franklin without the hair behind his head, and he’s pretty much got the same facial expressions going on as Tony.
I really got to stop with celebrity comparisons for everybody I meet in real life or see on TV. For instance, my friend in university looks exactly like Sara Gilbert who played the character of “Darlene” in Roseanne. I brought this up to a classmate and they replied “Logan, who the heck is Sara Gilbert? Do you do that with everybody in class?”
– We return to Andie’s car. She admits it has been a long time since she has driven a clutch. Andie says she is riding the clutch too much and her car is dead in the middle of the road.
Wow. Mother-daughter teams, uh, don’t perform too well at The Amazing Race.
– Guess which team is the only one that sucks enough to be trailing behind Andie & Jenna?
Ah. Rock-a-pella themselves.
Locals must love Americans who are stranded in the middle of a London street. It’s not like London is known for bad traffic or anything.
– Connor & Jonathan have no choice but to help them out. Lots of honking in the background.
Connor stops helping after yelling ‘Expecto Ignitiarmus’ doesn’t work.
Like an a-capella musician is capable of fixing a high-end car.
– Connor & Jonathan ditch them as Andie & Jenna sit in their car blocking traffic.
“Can I switch to racing with my adoptive mother?”
– Commercial break. We resume. Andie realizes she was not taking her foot off the clutch. I wouldn’t be surprised if the producers in the car told her because they feared losing their lives to the fumes.
– Jenna claims her mother did a good job, but Andie shoots down the compliment.
– Jill & Thomas are lost.
– Thomas asks for directions from somebody on the street.
And once again, intelligent folks who help out tourists stand outside a KFC. Better than somebody working at McDonalds, I assume.
Plus Gary & Mallory could be inside.
– They are told to turn around and head back ten miles.
Jill spaces out during the whole conversation. She is probably thinking of what colour headband to wear tomorrow.
– Nat & Kat are excited as they see the Stonehenge.
All of the answers to TAR’s greatest mysteries lies here.
Yes, Nat. That is on the official sign for Stonehenge–“Home to Big Frickin Rocks”.
– They read that they must find the castle that is the opposite of Noreaster Castle. Phil informs us that teams must figure out that they must find Eastnor Castle to find the next clue.
Or as the executed jester said five hundred years ago, “this is more like EastSnore Castle, am I right guys?”
– Nat & Kat begin jogging. Jill & Thomas and Katie & Rachel park simultaneously. Katie brags about catching up to teams on the first flight.
– Nat & Kat look like the speed walking club of mothers who I see whenever I go for a run in the morning.
Right down to the proper arm swing technique.
– Nat & Kat get directions from two strange looking men outside of Stonehenge.
Even if this were the days before the TAR 12 rule change, I do not think Nat’s next words would have been “can we pay you and we follow you there?”
– Jill & Thomas and Katie & Rachel each have their clue and are asking for directions.
lol Windows XP in 2010.
– Thomas congratulates himself and Jill. Katie has to coach Rachel how to drive a stick shift. They eventually recover.
– If I thought Nat & Kat looked like professionals in the Speed Walkers Club, then Brook & Claire are. . .
amateurs at speed walking. Brook is extending her elbow out too far, and Claire is not putting enough of her body into it.
BROOK: I’ve never speed-walked this fast before in my life.
I doubt you have speed-walked before, period.
– Brook wonders who they can ask as she is in a panic after grabbing the clue. People might be a start, Asking dogs may not be too helpful.
– Rachel is stalling a lot in the street.
Things ain’t going well.
RACHEL: I was having a trouble with first on a hill. There was a big hill. An -England- hill.
She is very Shakespearian here.
“How was your day?”
“It was bad. Really bad. -England- bad!
– Brook & Claire and Nat & Kat decide to team up when they see each other at a gas station.
BROOK: We’re following the doctors. I love them. All about women power.
CLAIRE: They’re strong and very smart.
BROOK: Very meticulous in what they do!
“So strong they make you wanna slap your mama!”
– That’s right. Our second alliance is born. A much stronger alliance compared to Connor & Jonathan and Andie & Jenna, I must say.
– What are Katie & Rachel up to? Andie fixed her own problem. Did Rachel fix hers?
Seamon is giving it her all pushing into that trunk!
– Katie can’t push it. She tells Rachel to give it more gas. She does.
Katie fell for the oldest trick in the book.
“It’s a one person team now, bitch!”
– Ron is stunned that they have yet to run into a sign. He wants help from Tony, but Tony defends that he cannot see what is in front of Ron.
But he might want to start because his map reading skills have not helped thus far.
– Ron is frustrated and senses tension in the air. He decides to pull over and ask for directions.
– Gary & Mallory and Connor & Jonathan are fifth and sixth to the Stonehenge.
JONATHAN: Stonehenge was incredible. It had such an imposing wonderful. . .magical structure.
The guy who other racers refer to as “Harry Potter” did NOT just use the word magical in a sentence, did he? F–k. This is too much.
“Why is everyone suddenly looking at me weird like that?”
– A guy uses a local’s smartphone. Connor & Jonathan are officially working with Gary & Mallory. Jonathan promises not to lose them. Gary says this is a tough area to drive around.
– Andie & Jenna are seventh to the Stonehenge. Chad & Stephanie park seconds behind them.
STEPHANIE: Oh my god. The mother-daughter team is already here.
CHAD: I guess we’re not in THIRD anymore.
I love that mother-daughter teams are given such a lack of credit in TAR that you just KNOW you are at the back of the pack if you see them slightly ahead of you. Next thing you know Chad is going to say “I wonder if it will be a NON-ELIMINATION this round.”
– This is great. Stephanie is annoyed at seeing them because she thought she was further ahead.
Eat our dust, says Jenna.
– Nick sees the sign for Stonehenge. Vicki elaborates on her knowledge of the location.
VICKI: This is the first time I’ve ever heard of Stonehenge, then I heard it’s a bunch of rocks.
Fun Fact: The rocks at Stonehenge were formed by extracting what is inside of Vicki’s skull. It truly is just a bunch of rocks.
All it needed was an architect to help put it together.
– Nick & Vicki are ninth to the clue box. Kevin & Michael are tenth. Who is last?
Yes. The team containing this season’s self-proclaimed genius is stuck in dead last.
And what better way to get out of a jam than to consult the most snobbish people on the planet–British Starbucks patrons.
They successfully manage to help Ron & Tony without sticking their nose into the air.
– By the way, some random little girl screams on the audio track inside of Starbucks.
Ron is a little freaked out by that.
– Jill & Thomas are first to the castle. Thomas is excited and rambles on as Jill says nothing.
Can someone flick the ‘on’ switch for Jill? I am worried.
– Claire is getting “heebie jeebies and goosebumps”. She is also experiencing a shrunken bladder.
BROOK: I do not want to be the first girl on The Amazing Race history to pee your pants.
Yes, we are thirty minutes into the season and we already have Claire close to throwing up in her mouth and peeing her pants out of excitement.
A record that not even Carissa Gaghan has.
– Al three teams run out to the clue box. They must now storm the castle. First, they will climb a ladder that is being guarded by a mob of peasants. Once at the top they will retrieve a medieval flag.
The buckets of goo was supplied by the folks who worked on the Canadian trivia show “Uh-Oh”.
Once they have the flag, they must use an ancient boat to carefully travel across the moat to a knight in shining armour who will give them their next clue.
Fun fact: The boats are actually wooden tortoise shells.
Are the horses allowed to move?
– The storming of the castle commences. Peasants start yelling. They are angry.
– Lots of water drenched on Brook & Claire. Thomas thinks the water was full of dirt and mud.
Luckily the teams are protected.
– Brook & Claire are pumped once they reach the top.
BROOK: We’re medieval!
Brook Roberts: Happy to be going medieval on all your asses.
– Jill & Thomas and Nat & Kat are being hit with some more water.
O’ Doyle Rules!
The real joke is on Nat as she is actually being sprayed with sugar water. Better prick yourself when you get to the top, Nat!
He looks more like an Irish suburban lumberjack than he does a medieval peasant.
Not to mention his magatama earrings. Unless I am missing something, I doubt medieval peasants followed Japanese anime culture too closely.
– Brook marches with her flag.
Which consists of three spades and two clubs. And a lion.
– All three teams are running with their flags. Gary & Mallory and Connor & Jonathan stop at a gas station together.
MALLORY: Do you even know what you’re doing, Dad?
Well, I can think of one team that is standing there and doesn’t have a flat tire to change. I wonder what they will do?
“Peeeeace outtttt, Kentucky. . . .basssstarrrrrrds.”
I like how the tire is more than half of the size of Mallory.
If he survives this leg, Gary wants to hunt down and make some Kentucky Fried Ivy Leaguers.
What a great shot as we head to commercial break.
– We resume.
– Gary assumes he hit a pothole earlier, and could hear air coming out of the tire.
– We cut back to the frontrunners as they prepare to ride in the boats.
KAT: It looked like a tortoise shell or something.
Hey Kat: F–k you.
– Into the water the three teams go.
Yeah, the boats are worthless. Nobody can stay afloat.
“Floaters hang onto your life vests!” is a suggestion that can be interpreted literally in this scenario.
I would personally ditch the boat entirely if the rules allowed me to do so.
So would Claire.
– Teams are forced to go back to the start, and must make it into the boat and stay in. This is a tough round so far.
Although it saves them from epic arm strain like in the Survivor: Africa water bucket challenge.
– Nat & Kat sink again. Back to the start. Thomas repeats to avoid sudden movements. They make it into the boat. Jill leans backwards and pulls on the rope in a consistent fashion.
Dare I say Jill is on auto-pilot?
– Chad is driving now as he parks at the castle. He and Stephanie have made up time by making it there in fourth. Katie & Rachel are fifth.
KATIE: My pants are falling off
“This is more important than your pants falling down!”
– Katie & Rachel are surprised to see “Tinkerbell and her boyfriend” still there. Katie thanks God for seeing Tinkerbell.
*goes to Google search*
Eh, I guess I can see it a little bit.
– Chad & Stephanie are up the ladder. Katie & Rachel ask a relevant question.
Better than the current alternative being proposed at the top of the ladder.
Maybe they will recruit Rick James to do all of the licking.
– Ron & Tony finally make it to the Stonehenge and ask directions from that same weird-haired man from earlier.
RON: Do you know how many teams are ahead of us?
The man’s response?
He may be a bit of an asshole, but at least he is hilarious. Editors cut out the part where he said “Lots and lots, and you don’t have a hope in an Irish Hell of catching up.”
– Ron says his confidence has been lost, and wonders if they have blown it this quickly. He thinks they can still catch up.
– Back to the frontrunners on the boats.
It’s like they are doing meditation exercises together.
These are freakin’ Yoga Boats. I must disagree with the notion that the turtle can win the race. Why?
Because in World Class Track Meet for NES, Turtle always finishes more than ten seconds behind everyone else in a head-to-head matchup. Turtle never wins the race.
– Thomas encourages Jill and says she did an awesome job. They run into the field. Chad & Stephanie show up to the boats. He sees the other teams in the water.
CHAD: What’d I tell you? There they are. We’re about to freakin’ crush this s–t!
Chad is great.
– Chad & Stephanie enter the boat in their attempt to crush s–t.
This s–t ain’t crushed, man.
– Chad yells at Stephanie for being too close to him because he is much heavier than her.
– They get into the boat. His goal is to have both of them grabbing the rope with all hands. He also wants both of them to stand up. Chad is standing up, but Stephanie is failing to do so.
You would think an athlete would know the importance of a low centre of gravity.
– Stephanie tells him to chill and that his refusal to chill is not helping. Back to the start.
– Andie & Jenna ask for directions. Guess where they go?
Another KFC! Are teams choosing to stop solely at American fast food chains in London? And why does that teddy bear have a band-aid over his left eye?
George Ross and his grandson decide to help Andie & Jenna. The grandson can stop staring, by the way.
– Andie asks if there are tourist offices close by that can help them. The man says ‘not really’. Her question before that?
ANDIE: Do you know Norwest castle?
Ah, if only you tried more combinations, Andie.
ANDIE: There is an advantage and disadvantage that we don’t know each other coming into the race.
JENNA: The disadvantage is not knowing what the other person is really good at.
Geez. Teams doing the race together that do not know each other. What a gimmick.
– Nick & Vicki stopped for directions (how many times have I typed that?) and Vicki admits she needs kindergarten directions.
– Yes. Ron & Tony are still lost.
– We cut back to the castle. The knights, specifically. Two knights are shown jousting.
We call him Sir Reeves of Christophus.
I am pretty sure this is the whole TAR 24 budget.
– Jill & Thomas must match the knight and horse with their flag colour.
Yes! Teams are forced into a tournament? Finally we’re going to see some fatalities on The Amazing Race.
– It’s a Roadblock.
“Who’s ready to go into a battle with a knight in shining armour?”
– Phil says that teams must join forces with their very own knight in shining armour. He also goes on how it is a mythic land of knights of the round table.
Phil was going to dress up, but the production crew made the mistake of picking an outfit that is typical for a regular sized person.
– Teams must use a weapon known as a ballista to fire melons at a knight standing fifty feet away. Once they defeat their armoured opponent, they must find the jester to receive their next clue.
“Look at the size of those. . .ballistas!”
– A jester? Really?
What an odd man.
– Thomas volunteers himself for the Roadblock as he rides the horse with the knight. Brook & Claire open the clue. Brook is extraordinarily excited.
BROOK: Claire, you can do this! You can do this!
**Cut to confessional**
CLAIRE: There’s horses.
BROOK: Claire loves horses. Claire grew up on a ranch.
CLAIRE: I was like ‘so, I got this in the bag’.
The horse part, anyway.
I love how excited Brook is for Claire to do this task.
– Nat thinks she is fine with horses, and will do it.
Claire looks like she is being kidnapped with her face covered like that.
– NAT: My knight in shining armour. . .finally.
Wow. Someone hasn’t gotten laid too often.
“Stop, Sir Knight! Thou must. . .test. . .thy blood sugar!”
Brook and Kat share a laugh over two all-female teams dominating the opening round.
– Thomas nearly falls off of the horse despite holding on tight. He survives, and makes it to the ballista point. He starts firing melons. Claire and Nat begin as well.
Claire fires her first shot. . .
– Brook explains to Claire in a confessional that she has never seen her this strong.
BROOK: You were like Wonder Woman!
“As opposed to all of the other times when I thought you were a weak little whiny girl on camera.”
– BROOK: You just need to do it a little harder, and you’ve got this.
CLAIRE: This is awesome.
You’re right, Claire. This is awesome, but you’ll find out what makes this task so awesome in just a minute.
Nat shows off her technique.
– Thomas misses. Claire is grunting really hard on her next attempt.
Claire is pulling on those ropes to making it fire like an elastic band at its limits. She misses, but the ropes fly back and forth at an extremely fast rate.
BROOK: You’ve got this, sister.
CLAIRE: There’s no way I’m going to be able to knock this guy over.
“You must focus on within,” says the knight.
– Connor & Jonathan are sixth to the castle. Jonathan wants to look for a bathroom, but the suggestion is ignored. Katie & Rachel are at the boats, and are surprised to “still see Tinker Bell team there”.
I think Katie & Rachel want to be close to Chad & Stephanie as an excuse to repeatedly say “Tinker Bell” throughout the race.
– Connor & Jonathan begin the ascension up the ladder. Connor tells us they are missing their graduation while on the race.
They probably skipped out on graduation because they could not get dates for prom.
JONATHAN: It’s our last opportunity to have fun and be kids in a way.
I don’t think you have to worry about that Jonathan.
Yeah. Definitely not their last chance.
You know a lot of teams suck at navigating when Chad & Stephanie are still in fourth despite failing this task twelve times.
– Katie & Rachel pass Chad & Stephanie along the course.
Wow. Katie & Rachel have all of the tools to beat a joke to death, eh?
– Katie & Rachel are edited to be shown laughing loudly at Chad & Stephanie.
Even Margie feels free to be LAUGHING at them.
– Now Katie & Rachel come up with a flattering nickname for Connor & Jonathan as they join them at the boats task.
RACHEL: They’re so nerdy.
They’re the nerdiest nerds to ever nerd.
– Back to watching them melons being flung.
Nat is not having much luck.
– He receives the clue from the jester.
The jester decides to be a jerk as he nearly throws the rolling pins at Thomas. The pins fall just short at Thomas’ feet.
JESTER: And THIS is for you!
“And to think me mother said I would not be a star! Well, you be wrong, Mum! Little Georgy is coming out of his shadow, hasn’t he?”
– Jill & Thomas read that they must search the grounds for the pit stop. The last team to check in -will- be eliminated. They take two seconds to find the pit stop.
Did a producer watch Heath Ledger in A Knight’s Tale shortly after his death and think, “wow, this would make for a great round of TAR?”
Don’t worry folks, he is being paid a lot of money for wearing that heavy armour all day.
Unlike the jester who jumped off the ball and scampered off for a quick coffee break.
If anybody knows the name of this instrument, please let me know. The other guy is playing bagpipes.
FIRST PLACE: JILL & THOMAS
An animated Phil, nonetheless.
– And yes, they win the Express Pass. Unlike in TAR Asia 3 or 4, the Express Pass is a physical item.
I find it hilarious that this is the first item that producers felt needed to be physical and in the racers’ hands. This would not happen again for another eight seasons.
PHIL: This could be the difference between staying in the race and going home.
Spoiler Alert: Neither. And that applies to every season ever.
– Blah blah Express Pass is huge blah blah glad we have it confessional.
– Katie & Rachel finish the boats. The difference between Katie & Rachel’s nicknames and Connor & Jonathan’s nicknames?
Connor & Jonathan choose nicknames that are flattering rather than being downright offensive.
– Claire and Nat are in a showdown at the ballista firing range.
Claire just misses, but Nat connects.
The jester meanwhile is grinding hard for that cheddar.
– Katie & Rachel are at the Roadblock. Katie tells Rachel to do it. Nat happily kicked the knight’s ass.
– Speaking of asses. . .
Claire bounces right onto hers. The only way you snap back onto the ground like that is if you are putting full force into whatever it is you are doing. Claire is absolutely attacking this task.
– We hear some cringeworthy language from Rachel.
RACHEL: I thought I was going to literally bounce off.
Rachel literally grabbing a knight’s waist.
– The horse literally stops, and Rachel literally dismounts.
No boats required to go across this body of water. Just follow the music.
– They check into the pit stop.
SECOND PLACE: NAT & KAT
– Brook calls Claire a chica as Claire misses another shot.
– Kevin & Michael storm the castle. Michael says some words, but I cannot understand him.
The important thing is that he is having fun.
– We cut back to Brook & Claire. Claire is still trying to complete the Roadblock.
BROOK: Think long and hard. Do what you got to do to make it go right through that guy.
Claire musters all the energy she can into yet another toss.
BROOK: Don’t give up on me now, please. Focus.
CLAIRE: I’m not giving up. I’m just getting frustrated.
– Katie cheers on Rachel as she has a strange technique where the melon flies a few feet into the air, but with zero arc.
The jester is crying for attention.
– Claire fires another shot.
She massacres the flag. The knight stands there; he is taunting her. Although it is time for payback as Claire must be punished for desecrating the flag.
– Rachel lines up her next shot.
That’s just sad.
– Okay. It’s time. We know Claire is going to succeed.
BROOK: You’ve got this sister. You’re super super close.
The drum beat is picking up. Claire is ready to tear it up in this bitch.
BROOK: Right in the kisser. Show that knight who’s boss.
She so has this.
It’s in the bag. First the flag, and now the knight.
Say night night. . .knight.
The ballista snaps back with ferociousness. This is going twenty times faster than either of Rachel’s launches. I would hate to be on the receiving end of Newtonian physics there.
POW right in the kisser!
– We see it in slow motion. It is as if the first time was not funny enough.
“Claire. . .that was the wrong kisser.”
How to Get a Concussion 101.
– We go to commercial break. We resume.
– Not surprisingly, we are shown the incident for a third time.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Well, a fourth time. CBS released the clip of Claire getting hit in the face a week before the season premiered. The clip instantly went viral.
– Yes, they even re-air Brook saying “right in the kisser; show that knight who’s boss”.
– A scene of somebody getting hit in the face with their own melon that backfired? Yeah, that’s pretty dang funny. That alone would put it in the top fifty of Mario Lanza’s Funny 115 for TAR.
But there is still more to this scene, and that is all because of Brook.
“I knew I should have stayed home today.”
– You see, Claire feels like any person would after being hit in the face with a melon–she has an enormous headache, and could possibly have a concussion. She probably has whiplash.
We haven’t seen a head injury on TAR this bad since Vanessa lost her memory after diving into the swimming pool in the Czech Republic during TAR Asia 2, la.
CLAIRE: I have the worst headache ever.
BROOK: I don’t doubt it.
I don’t know why, but Brook’s response is hilarious. Probably because the incident looked like it did enough damage to trigger the worst headache recorded.
Furthermore, Claire probably thinks that producers will intervene and let her skip over this task. After all, she did take a melon to the face at one hundred miles per hour of Newtonian force.
Thankfully Sir Isaac Newton came up with this theory when an apple fell and hit him in the head rather than a freakin’ melon. History could have been drastically different.
It looks like a freakin’ crime scene.
CLAIRE: So what do I do now?
This isn’t The Amazing Race 14, 15, or 16. You are expected to do stuff this season.
BROOK: There’s no out.
CLAIRE: I can’t even see straight.
Brook shakes her head before giving her a silent nod. It is the same expression parents give their children when they say “yeah, um, you’ve stillll gotta do your homework. I know you bumped your head on the coffee table, but you’ve gotta do your homework.”
That’s perhaps just as funny as a melon to the face. I wish there was a GIF of Brook’s facial expression here.
BROOK: They don’t call it The Amazing Race for nothin’.
Except TAR 24 which actually was called The Amazing Race For Nothing as its official name.
– Connor & Jonathan pass by Chad & Stephanie on the boats task. Chad is stunned by how quickly the game has changed, and says looks are deceiving.
But it was a mental task. How are you shocked that nerds passed you at a task which required far more strategy than it did physical strength?
Nobody has love for The Nerds.
– Rachel misses another shot. Connor is doing the Roadblock, and wishes he could have used the bathroom before riding the horse.
This is awkward. I think Sean Rector had a less awkward time riding a horse in Survivor: Marquesas.
Connor needs a bathroom but Claire needs some Tylenol.
– Claire is back on her feet. Any Tylenol?
No, but she does receive an ice pack as a consolation prize. If only she could get an Express Pass on the swelling that is about to occur.
And if you have a massive headache after your face comes in contact with some melons, then you are motorboating wrong.
BROOK: It’s frustrating to see the other teams come from behind, but it’s not her fault at all. But you can’t blame her. The girl got whacked in the face with a watermelon.
“I repeat, ‘a watermelon’.”
Just saying that sentence aloud is enough to make Brook laugh out loud at her partner’s misfortune.
– Claire is fearful on her next attempt. Katie & Rachel are impressed with Claire’s recovery.
KATIE: I saw her get up and was like ‘okay, chick can hang’.
– Rachel misses. Connor misses. Claire is extremely close.
BROOK: Oh my god, Claire! I didn’t expect that right out of the gate!
Neither did you expect a watermelon hitting her in the face. As Julie Chen would say, “expect the unexpected”.
– Jonathan calls for Connor to picture the ballista as a giant slingshot.
Connor will ace this challenge if he can relate this to using the slingshot in the video game Bully. Only true nerds would still be playing this game in 2010.
– Rachel hits the target, but it does not collapse.
BROOK: I am so proud of you right now it’s not even funny how proud I am of you right now.
If she gets hit in the face again, she may have to call it a day.
Holy crap. Brook confirms she completes the task on her second attempt after the injury. I think Claire sums up her success better than anyone else could. Claire?
The idea of Home Shopping Hosts going from ultra family-friendly TV to joining a competition and shouting “I made it my bitch” after getting hit in the face like in a Jet Li action flick is a crazy transformation.
Call now and we’ll DOUBLE the price because we are all sold out on ‘giving a f–ks, bitches!’
– That’s right. Claire wants to make you the ‘HO’ in her ‘HOme Shopping Network’.
– By the way, I just found a clip from TAR 28 when Brook & Claire are brought back. Believe it or not, Brook gets hit in the face with a watermelon this time.
Give them a few days before they can recount the incident without getting super excited about it. Oh yeah, I bet Claire’s head still hurts.
– Brook talks about being proud of her.
BROOK: You are the coolest girl I have ever met in my entire life!
Claire clearly has other things on her mind at the moment.
I think Brook smoked some of the rocks at the Stonehenge, because she is really fired up at the moment.
– Connor takes out the target. He and Jonathan share a geeky high five. Rachel also succeeds. Connor & Jonathan blindly run behind Brook & Claire. All three teams are at the ditch. Claire repeatedly states she cannot feel her face, but Brook ignores her to point out the other teams.
– Jonathan is not a runner, but says he is running the hardest he has ever ran in his life. Both teams make it over the ditch. Connor makes it to the mat before anyone else. Jonathan is right behind. He decides to really hop onto the mat with authority.
“I’m a little Glee kid thin and tall,
Here is my style. . .”
“And here is my fall.”
PHIL: Wow. That was quite an entry.
For the first time since 2001 in the eighth grade, a woman touches Jonathan. Granted Claire did it strictly for balance, but hey, it counts.
THIRD PLACE: CONNOR & JONATHAN
FOURTH PLACE: BROOK & CLAIRE
“Cue the Running Man!”
BROOK: We were right there in the position to be in first. . .
BROOK: And then the watermelon. . .
Aaaand they both lose it.
Yeah, this confessional is over.
FIFTH PLACE: KATIE & RACHEL
Let’s move on.
– Chad is doing the Roadblock. Gary & Mallory are eighth to the castle. I wonder how much time they lost over their flat tire?
– Kevin & Michael attempt to enter their boat.
Well that didn’t work.
Neither did that.
KEVIN: Don’t let us sink.
– Andie & Jenna enter a Morrison’s and find the castle on a map they buy. Jenna says their biggest issue is to not let each other down. Nick & Vicki do not want to be last, but Vicki feels like she is last.
– Ron & Tony do not understand why they are more lost than they have ever been in their whole lives.
Tony’s confession: He graduated from a community college affiliated with Stanford rather than Stanford itself.
– Chad defeats the knight. He receives the clue. Chad guarantees the pit stop is on the other side of the castle. The peasants begin to threaten Gary & Mallory.
The task comes off as being such fun that Mallory cannot help but scream in advance for the fun that is about to come.
“Yay muddy water!”
– I have never seen so many teams having such fun with several mean tasks. How are Kevin & Michael doing?
This would be the perfect time for the Price is Right fail horn.
– Gary & Mallory catch up to Kevin & Michael.
GARY: They looked like a couple of carnies in a duckin’ boot.
Some sort of circus term, I guess.
– Kevin says he eventually figured out how to do the boat task correctly. Well, not on his own entirely, as Michael states.
At least Papa Jumba is able to give credit where credit is due. Kevin may have some issues with his ego. Michael clearly loves self-deprecating humour. I love it.
– Chad’s path to the other side of the castle proves to be the wrong decision.
You know this is a tough leg when a team can be repeatedly lost throughout the day but yet still be in the middle of the pack.
– Andie & Jenna are ninth to the castle. They prepare to storm it.
– Nick & Vicki stop at yet another building for directions.
It may help to write something down, Vicki.
– Remember how Ron & Tony have been lost since the minute they entered British airspace?
Well, they’re still lost. Their position has not changed.
– Commercial. We resume. They stop at a gas station. The lady informs Tony that he and Ron have been driving in the wrong direction the whole time.
Uh oh, indeed.
I think Tony’s education is as legitimate as Jeffrey Winger’s law degree from Columbia University.
– Gary & Mallory and Kevin & Michael are on a focused path across the moat. The father-daughter team does not sink once. Where are Chad & Stephanie?
Not at the pit stop. I can tell you that.
– Michael says his favourite moment of the leg was Kevin’s continuous encouragement as they pull the boat.
– Vicki claims she and Nick drove for three hours before finally finding the castle. Andie & Jenna are ninth to the boats. They hear Nick & Vicki storming the castle. I bet they believe they are in the bottom two spots.
– Andie & Jenna have yet to sink in the boat.
– Nick & Vicki reach the top of the castle. Remember how today was the first time they have heard of a Stonehenge?
Well, they are going to try and learn another new word today.
Yes, this is the sequel to “Are You a Candelehbrah?”
– At one point Vicki stands on top of the battlement, and the camera pans to her right.
It’s a flag standing on some sort of stone structure. Let’s look elsewhere. I know a battlement when I see one.
– While Nick & Vicki ask locals for a dictionary, Ron & Tony have finally found the road leading to the castle.
Appropriate given that they have been lost for at least four hours or more since exiting the Stonehenge.
RON: It’s either going to be a good moment or a frustrating moment.
I predict the latter.
– We cut back to our fair castle grounds, and watch one more joust.
Here they come.
He is totally milking his injury. Leave it to an Englishman to exaggerate his injury during a sporting tournament. I would much prefer the Joust from American Gladiators.
Unless it is the NES version of the Joust from American Gladiators.
– Gary says he is ready for battle in this Roadblock. Meanwhile Mallory whines at the jester.
MALLORY: Oh my godddd, I wish I could juggle the ball.
Mallory Ervin: The first human being in the 21st century who aspires to be a jester. Screw being Miss Kentucky, jesterhood is where it’s at.
– Nick checks out one of the flags. Vicki thinks it is it but Nick insists they must find the battlement.
NICK: We’ve asked every single one.
“Silly battlements forgot to take this flag. It’s mine now you STUPID BATTLEMENTS!”
– Nick & Vicki catch on. Vicki admits their own stupidity in a confessional.
I love that a highly physical and highly educated all-male team is being blown out by a team that looks like this, did not know what a Stonehenge was, and asked locals if they are an inanimate object. This is embarrassing for Ron & Tony.
– VICKI: Just kidding. I promise you we’re not that dumb!
(Blunder sound effect plays.)
He has been dethroned as the village idiot.
– Kevin is doing the Roadblock. Gary shoots a few melons.
KEVIN (flat voice): This is so cool. I’m on a horse.
Could you sound less enthusiastic, Kevin?
– Chad & Stephanie have now run the whole perimeter of the castle. Chad does not feel comfortable going back the way they came.
If Mario was sent to this castle, he would have found all 120 stars before Chad & Stephanie checked into the mat.
STEPHANIE: Oh my god. We could not be more wrong right now.
Maybe they are walking on the wrong side of the road. It is England after all.
This leg is driving her nuts.
– Chad & Vicki are running on the path towards the boats.
Boats are over here.
U-Turn. Time to turn around.
VICKI: We’re just straight dumb.
Now if you look on your right here. . .
I couldn’t agree more.
– Ron & Tony are now at the castle. They do not have to drive around anymore. Ron & Tony have a chance to survive this leg. Unbelievable.
– Nick & Vicki stop to read their clue.
NICK: We might be our own boat.
Yes, and the battlement will assist you with getting across.
The boats are directly behind Nick & Vicki.
The camera operator gets away with zooming in while standing directly in front of Vicki. Incredible.
NICK: Maybe we are ridiculous.
– Commercial break. We resume.
– They continue to speculate on the boats.
Again. . .boats.
– Andie & Jenna are in a decisive ninth position at the Roadblock. Jenna decides to do the task herself. Now let’s go to a more interesting team.
lol that’s not how you use a boat
– Nick pulls them back to the starting line. I am amazed a team has done worse than them today.
How long before Nick & Vicki return to the battlement and exchange their flag for a white one? A couple more mistakes and they are probably going to prepare for their surrender.
– Ron & Tony make it up the wall.
Tony appears to love water about as much as a cat right now.
– Nick encourages Vicki. There is major suspense as Ron & Tony supposedly see Nick & Vicki in the boat. We cut to Gary and Kevin flinging melons at knights. No success as of yet. Chad & Stephanie are -still- searching for the pit stop.
STEPHANIE: I feel like I’m in The Hobbit now.
There is no way Stephanie thought of that reference from reading the book. She must have seen an advanced screening of the film before starting TAR 17. I cannot picture her or Chad being mellow enough to sit down and read a book for extended periods of time.
By the way, I hate Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit in general. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is the only movie I have ever fell asleep while watching.
Seriously. It is the most boring film series to be shown to me in my entire life. I have heard Bicentennial Man is a strong contender.
– Gary and Kevin appear to knock the target over seconds apart. Both teams are running to the mat. Chad & Stephanie see an arrow. Mallory starts screaming when she sees a ditch. Gary informs her he can see Phil above the ditch.
If this were Survivor, an idol would be hidden behind the tree that Gary is touching.
– Suspense is built as all three teams are shown running to the mat.
I love how Mallory is already screeching and celebrating before she knows what team number she is. It’s a page taken out of the Jonathan Baker playbook.
For all the Jumbas know, they are in dead last. They have not seen teams behind them since arriving at the castle.
SIXTH PLACE: GARY & MALLORY
SEVENTH PLACE: KEVIN & MICHAEL
– Odd to see father-son and father-daughter check in simultaneously. Nevermind, Mallory points this out two seconds after I have typed this.
Yes, Mallory says this. I love how Mallory assumes we all watched the start of this episode and thought “Michael and Gary, wow, they are going to be downright terrible and more useless than Meredith & Maria”.
If Phil was on The Amazing Race, Mallory would think Phil’s age makes him a weak racer.
– Chad & Stephanie arrive at the mat.
EIGHTH PLACE: CHAD & STEPHANIE
– Chad is humbled and knows arguing will impact their race negatively. He wants to switch up their strategy for next time. Chad believes they shall grow on the adventure.
– Jenna hits the knight’s feet, but damage is not done. Nick & Vicki continue making progress in the boat. They are out of the boat. This is Ron & Tony’s crucial moment to make up for lost time.
. . .Sigh.
– Jenna completes the task. She and Andie run to the pit stop.
NINTH PLACE: ANDIE & JENNA
Yeah. They’re not long for this race.
– Nick chooses to do the Roadblock. He loves riding horses.
Ron & Tony do not love riding boats.
– Nick sucks at firing melons. He is getting closer to the target.
Ron & Tony are not.
– Nick knows how to handle those melons and hits his target. They receive the clue. Ron & Tony debate body weight.
TONY: I’m already one hundred pounds on you. I’m trying to transfer as much to the front so it’s not all back here. Cause there’s one hundred more pounds back here.
There’s very little about this team that transfers much of anything to the front since they landed in London. All one hundred extra pounds at the back of the (fanny) pack has indeed put them. . .at the back of the pack.
In short, this has not been Ron & Tony’s day.
– Nick & Vicki hit the mat. Phil surprises them with a pop quiz.
PHIL: . . .What’s the name of this country?
He refuses to tell them what place they are in? Imagine if they fail this pop quiz when in last, and Phil eliminates them right there?
But there is no way they can fail this. Well, maybe one. But both teammates? No way.
VICKI: We’re in London, right?
“The Stanford team lost. . .to this?”
“I thought we were in Namibia!”
No, no, no, and no.
PHIL: That’s right. The country of London.
Phil pulled the ol’ sarcasm card.
This is Phil’s true reaction.
Or this. He is glad to have a New Zealand education.
PHIL: Where do you think you are?
PHIL: You should gamble more in Vegas cause you’re right.
“You sir are a genius.”
NICK: I counted the cars. We’re tenth.
Oh my god. He is being smug. The guy who does not know battlements, stonehedges, or any knowledge of the United Kingdom is not only being smug, but being smug in -tenth-.
I can only imagine where Nick’s edit goes from here.
TENTH PLACE: NICK & VICKI
– Ron & Tony are halfway through traveling by boat. They will be able to complete the race on their own terms.
Finish strong, guys.
Well, that’s off the table.
I wonder if they counted the cars coming in. Are they as brilliant as Nick Decarlo?
– We skip them doing the boat task, and they do not even have to do the Roadblock. The team is sent directly to Phil. They sound out of breath at the mat.
They are relieved it is over.
– Ron is happy to help his friend live a dream (he really is playing up the Dan Pious angle) and feels good about it. Ron is happy to have Tony as a friend. Tony is not allowed to say anything.
For the third season in a row, one team is not allowed to complete the first leg in its entirety.
Next Time on TAR: Teams are overwhelmed in Ghana as the race kicks into high gear who will rise to the occasion, who will fall under the pressure, and who will be eliminated next?
“And who will change Jill’s batteries?”
“And who will help Mallory learn how to blink. . .next?”
I did it. Holy crap. I made it through what is arguably the best season premiere of all time. Over sixty minutes of actual footage in the episode, and none of it was filler. There is always something to talk about. If you thought the Heroes vs. Villains premiere was one of the funniest episodes in competitive reality TV history, the premiere of TAR 17 may be a contender.
BROOK ROBERTS.CLAIRE CHAMPLIN 9.4
CHAD WALTRIP.STEPHANIE SMITH 3.5
KATIE SEAMON.RACHEL JOHNSTON 5.4
CONNOR DIEMAND-YAUMAN.JONATHAN SCHWARTZ 2.4
NAT STRAND.KAT CHANG 4.4
KEVIN WU.MICHAEL WU 3.2
NICK DECARLO.VICKI CASCIOLA 1.4
RON KELLUM.TONY STOVALL 6.6
JILL HANEY.THOMAS WOLFARD 3.7
GARY ERVIN.MALLORY ERVIN 3.3
ANDIE DEKROON.JENNA SYKES 6.4
Below is a list of all teams that rank closely with the team that was eliminated this episode, ranked by racing average.
e.g. Don & Mary Jean finished 9th, 8th, 8th, 8th, and 8th. Add up the numbers and divide it by the number of legs they have played.
Therefore their average is 8.2.
Bulls–t Round One/Starting Line Eliminations
Eric & Lisa N/A
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A
— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0 TAR 4
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0 TAR 3
11th Ron & Tony 11.0 TAR 17
11th Adrian & Dana 11.0 TAR 16
11th Preston & Jennifer 11.0 TAR 14
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0 TAR 13
11th Ari & Staella 11.0 TAR 12
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0 TAR 11
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0 TAR 10
11th John & Scott 11.0 TAR 9
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0 TAR 7
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0 TAR 6
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0 TAR 5
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0 TAR 2
11th Matt & Ana 11.0 TAR 1
10th Edwin & Monica 10.0 Only team to finish last for the first two rounds of the race TAR Asia 3
10th Yani & Nadine 10.0 Would have survived round two, but were marked for elimination and thus officially finished in last both rounds TAR Asia 4
10th Jody & Shannon 10.0 TAR Adventure 16
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0 TAR 9
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0 TAR 11
10th Neena & Amit 10.0 TAR Asia 3
10th A Black Family 10.0 TAR 8
— F +–
10th Steve & Linda 9.4 TAR 14
10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????) TAR 13
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.) TAR 7
11th Garrett & Jessica 9.5 TAR 15
10th Kate & Pat 9.0 TAR 12
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0 TAR 11
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0 May or may not be gutsy. TAR 2
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0 TAR 6
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF TAR 3
9th Marianna & Julia 8.33 TAR 12
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33 TAR 4
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2 Saved by NEL once TAR 6
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0 TAR 10
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0 TAR 1
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8 Yielded TAR 9
8th Marisa & Brooke 7.75 Sucked. TAR 13
7th Mika & Canaan 7.67 Why the heck did they sign up? TAR 15
9th Marcy & Ron 7.67 Bald. TAR 15
9th Isaac & William 7.5 TAR Asia 3
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33 TAR 5
9th Alan & Wendy 7.25 Saved by NEL once TAR Asia 4
8th Manas & Sahil 7.0 TAR Asia 4
8th Singaporean Sophie & French Born Aurelia 7.0 (French Born Aurelia sadly does not know the English words for ‘team averages’. :/) TAR Asia 2
8th Aiello Family 7.0 TAR 8
Rank the Teams
1) Ron & Tony
Oh, Ron & Tony. Ron could run fast out of the gate, and they had the advantage of landing in the country of London more than twenty minutes before everyone else.
They could have been three hours ahead of everyone and still be in last. This may be one of the worst opening round performances I have seen by any team. Perhaps Meredith & Maria being lost for more than three hours on a single road in Iceland is the only other feat that out-stinks this one.
This team appeared to be ideal to go far into the race. They are alpha males with a good education. Especially when they made it to the airport faster than nearly everyone else.
Unlike Meredith & Maria, Ron & Tony did not have the luxury of being saved by a mid-leg equalizer in London. In fact, this might be the start of the trend where TAR opts to not have the “first 3 teams check out early next morning, next 3 teams depart 30 minutes later, and the last 5 teams depart one hour later”.
Ron & Tony were shown stopping a ridiculous number of times, and they probably sensed how far behind they were because they had not seen a team all day long. The freakin’ guy at the Stonehenge outright told them “lots and lots and lots of teams have come through”. Heck, I think TAR 25’s cast came into London before Ron & Tony found their way.
Ron did in fact complete the watermelon challenge (he did it in three shots), but was not shown on TV. Their total time spent in the car was eight hours. It is unclear whether they did in fact skip traveling by boat to the Roadblock.
I am curious how Ron & Tony’s edit would have played out if they made a deeper run. Personally I think they would have had a one-dimensional fan favourite edit, but alas, they instead must suffer the embarrassment of losing to a team who thinks London is a country after spending a full day there.
P.S. Sorry you did not last long enough to receive any celebrity comparisons, Ron. If only you lasted longer.
Rank the Legs
1) Gloucester, Massachusetts, USA -> England, United Kingdom, London (according to Nick Decarlo)
What a great premiere. Rarely a dull moment and perhaps a contender for one of the funniest openers ever.
This is perhaps the most famous episode in TAR history simply because of Claire being hit in the face with a watermelon.
Let me correct that statement: It is the episode that holds the most recognizable clip in TAR history.
I can back this up. You see, I recently finished spending 17 years going through school. Elementary school, high school, and university. While in elementary school, nearly everyone I knew watched Survivor and/or TAR.
High school in 2004-2009? The popularity dropped significantly. Teachers participated in a fantasy pool, and classmates Anita and Jordan spoke to me about Survivor: Gabon at the time.
University in 2009-2013? Yeah. I heard one woman talk about it on the bus in 2011, and my linguistics professor brought up Soo Hawk during my final year. Lastly, my friend Jake said “look, they are going to Nicaragua. Too bad it is all staged inside of a studio” when Nicaragua was announced.
There was one other exception in the past five years.
When the watermelon clip was pushed to being viral, my friend Jered posted it online. I know Jered well from high school–I can assure you he could not care less about competitive reality TV.
Well, two more years went by and he re-posted the clip. He, Doug, and Clint talked about it and thought it was one of the funniest things they have ever seen. Again, NONE of them watch this genre of television. My jaw dropped to see them engaging in a conversation that related to Survivor or TAR.
I can guarantee you they have not seen any other clips in the past six or seven years. Thus, I can safely conclude that Claire getting hit in the face with a watermelon is TAR’s only true viral claim to fame. TAR 26 starts airing next week, and with the current numbers of only five million Americans following the series, it is fair to state that TAR has not achieved recognition anywhere remotely close to the watermelon incident since then.
For those who bothered to watch the full episode, we got to see sinking boats, the start of robotic Jill, a creative starting line that is not Los Angeles or New York, and a self-drive leg to open up the season.
Watching teams struggle with a stick shift or basic geography is a favourite past time of mine.
This opening round leaves almost nothing to be desired.
Did you forget to read part one? Here it is. https://thesupacoowackiestblogintheuniverse.wordpress.com/2015/02/17/the-amazing-race-17-season-premiere-ranking-part-one/