The Amazing Race 16 episode nine rankings

Ninth episode

“Wu-Turns Are Deadly”

COUNTRIES VISITED

CHILE – ARGENTINA – GERMANY – FRANCE – SEYCHELLES – MALAYSIA – SINGAPORE – CHINA – UNITED STATES

Previously on TAR: Six teams raced from The Seychelles to Penang, Malaysia. Leaving The Seychelles, Louie & Michael set their sights on a new target. In Penang, Jet & Cord got off to a rocky start. But the Cowboys’ balancing act had them setting a new race record.

Meanwhile Steve & Allie suffered a major setback and couldn’t recover.

Wow. Shortest sum up of a team’s exit.

Five teams remain; who will be eliminated next?

– Intro time.

Number of Episodes Where a Team is Specifically Mentioned in the Previously On. . . Segment

JET & CORD: 4
BRENT & CAITE: 4
HEIDI & JOE: 3
JODY & SHANNON: 1
DAN & JORDAN: 4
JEFF & JORDAN: 4
DANA & ADRIAN: 1
CAROL & BRANDY: 3
MONIQUE & SHAWNE: 1
LOUIE & MICHAEL: 4
STEVE & ALLIE: 2

– Phil introduces us to Penang. It is the northern gateway to Malaysia. This was settled  by the British.

– Jet & Cord, who were the first to arrive at an unspecified time, will depart at 10:02am. Jet reads they must make their way to Singapore. They must travel over 400 miles by bus and train to the country of Singapore.

PHIL: When they arrive they will make their way to the Victoria Concert Hall and Theatre, and search for Allan Wu.

singapore allan wu

ALLAN: Allan who?

LOGAN SAUNDERS PRESENTS WUTHOUT ME.

https://thesupacoowackiestblogintheuniverse.wordpress.com/2014/10/20/wuthout-me-by-allan-wu/

wubie trice

Wubie Trice
Real host
No gimmicks
(Record scratch)

Two French Born Aurelias go round the Wutside
Round the Wutside
Round the Wutside

wu aurelia

Two Country Singers go round the Wutside
Round the Wutside
Round the Wutside

wu caroline

Guess Wu’s back
Back Wugain
Allan’s back
Tell a friend
Guess Wu’s back
Guess Wu’s back
Guess Wu’s back
Guess Wu’s back
Guess Wu’s back
Guess Wu’s back
wu bunny
.
.
.
wu action

!

wu hospital

Bertram created a Wunster
Cause nobody wants to see Phil no more
They want me, cause Keoghan’s a chopped kiwi

seychelles phil keoghan 10
If Wu want me, this is what Wu’ll give ya
Some sparkling teeth with some hard Wuscles

hong kong allan wu 5

hungary allan wu 2
Some puns that’ll jumpstart the pit start quicker than a
Pit stop when Henry get shocked at the hospital by Terri when he’s not cooperating

seoul henry terri reed 6

When I’m Wucking the episode while the doctors fail operating (hey!)
You waited this long now stop Wubating, cause I’m back
Diane’s on the rag and Ann can’t stop ovulating
ann diane intro 3

I know that you got a job Whitney but your husband’s heart problem’s complicated

keith whitney
So AXN TV won’t let Wu be or let me be me so let Wu see

That Black guy met the yellow shut me down on NBC

allan wu fear factor 21

But after those bug guts my stomach feels so empty without me

allan wu fear factor 11

So come on trip, ice bucket on my lips, flip that

wu ice bucket

cream on racer’s lips and some snow on Gus’ pits

singapore man 3

gus armpit

And get ready cause this shwut’s about to get heavy
I just settled all my lawsuits
F–K YOU PHUA CHU KANG!

phua chu kang

Now this looks like a Wute marker for me
So everybody just follwu me
Cause we need a little contwuversy
Cause this mat feels so empty Wuthout me

allan wu fear factor 16

Now this looks like a Wute marker for me
So everybody just follwu me
Cause we need a little contwuversy
Cause this mat feels so empty Wuthout me

tokyo allan wu

Little Canadians failing rebellions embarrassed
manila edwin monica 4

finishing last more than the couple who had that interracial marriage
prague brian ericka 7

They’re prisoners like Andre & Damon, helpless

andre damon taxi

Til Lance comes along into Mirna and yells “bitch!”
lance winning
marshall mirna

A visionary, Monty is scary, could start a Wuvelution, Gingers in the air waves a Mentos

jon montgomery

So just let Jodi revel and bask, in the fact all applicants are all kissing her ass

india christie jodi

It’s such a Wusaster such a Wutastrophe for Wu to see so damn much of TAR 14 in 18 you ask
Well they’re back nanananana
Fix your broken format bring back the weekly Fast Forward
Intersection in and up under Logan’s skin like a splinter

germany intersection

They’re centre of Wuttention back for the Wunter
I’m Wunteresting, the best thing since Robbie and Brooke wrestling

brooke robbie

Infesting in Luke’s ears where Margie’s nesting
maui margie luke adams 3

Testing “Wuttention please” feel the Wutension soon as someone mentions Jee

big brother 4 jee
Pay me ten cents for 2 seconds in sixteen
A Wuisance, Wu sent, Wu sent for me?

allan wu fear factor 7

Now this looks like a Wute marker for me
So everybody just follwu me
Cause we need a little contwuversy
Cause this mat feels so empty Wuthout me
india allan wu

Now this looks like a Wute marker for me
So everybody just follwu me
Cause we need a little contwuversy
Cause this mat feels so empty Wuthout me

allan wu 12

A risk-it a task-it, I’ll go tit for tat with anybody who’s talking bulls—, that puke

philippines carabao feces

Freddy Holliday you can get your ass kicked

freddy gino 1

freddy fail

Worse than dem little Cowboy bastards

santiago jet cord mccoy

and Cesternino

rob cesternino

You can get stomped by Crystal Cox, you 36 year old Italian hag blow me
Wu don’t know me, you’re too old let go it’s over, nobody listens to Rob Has a Podcast
Now let’s go, just give Bubba the signal I’ll be there in a Rush with a list full of new Wusults

travis bubba sampson

BJ & Tyler been dope, suspenseful with a finish ever since

bj tyler san fran 2

Eric couldn’t make his mind remember any symbols

eric final flags

But sometimes the audience just seems, everybody only wants to discuss Flight Time & Big Easy

ho chi minh flight time big easy

So this must mean the fans are disgusting, but it’s not me cause the Chipmunks are popular but obscene

miss california vomits
Though Colin is not the first king of contwuversy

colin burns

He is the worst thing since Tom & Terry, Leo & Jamal do Black music so selfishly

tom terry crump

leo jamal dj

dj

Use it to buy wives cause they’re wealthy

The U-Turn is a concept that somewhat works

u turn weeds
Until 20 million other seasons with a U-Turn and Double Express Pass twist emerge
but no matter how many fish for Don & Mary Jean in the sea

don st claire

It’d be so empty Wuthout me

Now this looks like a Wute marker for me
So everybody just follwu me
Cause we need a little contwuversy
Cause this mat feels so empty Wuthout me

wu eminem

Now this looks like a Wute marker for me
So everybody just follwu me
Cause we need a little contwuversy
Cause this mat feels so empty Wuthout me

allan wu fear factor

He did it! Just uttering two words on-screen and he manages to make a pun on his own name. Then it triggered this unnecessarily long parody like we are an episode of Family Guy.

PHIL: The host of Amazing Race Asia. When they find Wu, he will give them their next clue.

Not Cwu? C’mon Phil. Swing and a miss.

singapore allan wu 2

Welcome back, Sweet Prince.

singapore allan wu 3

He’s coming for your job, Phil. TAR Asia is on its last legs, Al’s career needs to get a Wuve on!

– Jet reads they have 190 dollars for this leg of the race. They decide to catch a cab at the bus station.

CORD: You can’t make a bigger move than going from last to first. I think the ghost riders are back in the saddle again.

Ugh. Stop saying that.

– Carol & Brandy depart second at 10:12am. They read there is a U-Turn ahead. Brandy discusses how beautifully they worked together. Carol wants to take the Cowboys’ mojo and leapfrog into first.

CAROL: They’re going down!

singapore carol brandy

No, YOU are going down.

– Louie & Michael commence in third at 10:31am. They get a cab instantly. Jet & Cord are at the bus terminal and board a bus. They depart at 10:47am for Kuala Lumpur.

– Cord points out the driver’s hat.

singapore hat

But not his moustache.

What is significant about the driver’s hat?

singapore hat 2

It says ‘race’. Yep. That’s all Cord wanted to say.

– Brent & Caite depart fourth at 10:50am. Caite hopes someone gets to the U-Turn before the Lesbians.

CAITE: And U-Turn the s— out of them.

I like how it is another joke that carries over from the previous round. No, U-Turning a team straight up is not good enough.

However, U-Turning the S— out of them is the proper way to go.

– The second bus embarks at 11:00am. Only Carol & Brandy are on.

singapore carol brandy 2

Loving a bus?

donkey that is a nice boulder

It is the equivalent of liking a nice boulder.

– Dan & Jordan are last to depart at 11:09am. They decided at the beginning that they were not going to throw elbows. Dan says look where throwing elbows got Joe. Jordan will not get in anyone’s way unless it will make or break their race.

ludacris

Ludacris is sad that two Jewish brothers from Rhode Island refuse to throw dem bows like Kisha and Luke.

I can’t believe this is the second time this music video has been referenced in the past three seasons.

– Michael & Louie and Brent & Caite are on the third bus to Kuala Lumpur. Dan & Jordan barely make it. Dan asks the other two teams who they are most concerned about when it comes to the U-Turn.

MICHAEL: You’ve gotta do the girls because they are the most well-travelled out of everybody.
JORDAN: . . .But they have won zero times.
MICHAEL: It doesn’t matter, though.
CAITE: It doesn’t matter.

singapore michael naylor

“Okay. I give. It’s because they are lesbians. That’s why.”

singapore caite upton

Meanwhile Caite borders on using that very reasoning.

– Jordan challenges them on it some more.

JORDAN: You’re U-Turning them because they are Lesbians?
CAITE: No! That’s not it at all! They are so mean to me.

JORDAN (confessional): Michael & Louie and Brent & Caite have convinced themselves that Brandy & Carol are this huge threat because they are world travelers. When really, deep down, I think they just don’t like them that much.

Jordan really hit the nail on the head. Carol & Brandy have been a very average team. They are just people who have a tendency to hate others for zero reason. They started trashing Caite before they even spoke to her.

I should note in an interview with TVGuide that Jordan defended Caite who was being accused of homophobia due to always using the phrase “Mean Lesbians”.

I think 20-year-old Caite accidentally sounded offensive, and was better off referring to Carol & Brandy as “Mean Jackasses”.

CAITE: I wouldn’t mind being the only girl left.
BRENT: That would be funny if Caite was the only girl left after all the s— she gets.

It would be as funny as Flo being the first TAR female winner. This twenty year old who has a relationship where her and her boyfriend act like fifteen year olds, and have zero educational knowledge could go on to being the last female standing.

Hilarious.

singapore jordan pious

What’s even funnier is that Jet & Cord, Carol & Brandy, Michael & Louie, and Brent & Caite are all seeing each other as big threats/enemies in the race. This shot here of Dan & Jordan quietly sitting at the back of the bus truly lets you know that nobody is thinking about the Pious brothers.

singapore dan jordan pious

And that may very well be the most devious plan possible.

– The final bus takes off at 12:00pm. Everyone is en route to a leg that could get ugly soon.

– Phil recaps that teams are taking a bus to Kuala Lumpur. Once here they must take a train to Singapore. Jet & Cord purchase tickets for a 9:30pm train. A huge freakin’ equalizer. Cowboys are not impressed.

– The other teams magically show up. Carol says something about the smell.

singapore carol rosenfeld

You can fill in the blanks.

the offspring original prankster

You know it smells like s—!

– JORDAN: Hello disinfectant wipes!

singapore jordan pious 2

“The train FROM Singapore would be so much cleaner!”

MICHAEL: I have never been on a sleeping train. I am very happy to say I am on a sleeping train.
LOUIE: What happens if you fart?

singapore louie michael

Thirty minute penalty. Instantly.

– Time for the voyage.

singapore route

Shorter distance than the diagonal flight from France to Seychelles.

– Carol & Brandy ask Brent & Caite and Michael & Louie to allow them to get through because nobody is moving. They refuse to do so.

MICHAEL: They were going to bully their way through. Push their way through. Wrong crew to bully.

DAN: They got nowhere fast.

Again, Dan & Jordan are not visible in this conflict.

singapore crew

Things are initially civil.

BRENT: Ladies get their way. Bitches don’t.

singapore carol rosenfeld 2

Well, it -was- civil.

– Tanjong Pagar Station. The teams jump off the train and run out into the streets.

singapore caite upton 2

Caite bails and is suddenly in crab walk position. It would work if she was Lindsay Lohan.

– Jet & Cord and Brent & Caite are both struggling to get taxis. Carol & Brandy, Michael & Louie, and Dan & Jordan are successful.

singapore taxi

They are all hired? It is like the anti-Apprentice taxi system.

– Brent & Caite and Jet & Cord eventually get into taxis. Dan comments that he loves this city because it is super clean.

By the way, I know many of you bet on who you think will win the race each season. Therefore, I need to play this PSA.

singapore kids

“The Cowboys will win. They are the lone rangers.”
“No no no, the Mean Lesbians will get past everyone.”

singapore kids 2

“The cops will win. My whole family supports them. Who do you want to win, Andy?”

singapore kids 3

“I hope Dan & Jordan win.”
“Why?”

singapore kids 4

“My dad bet our life savings on them.”

singapore kids 5

Tragic.

– Caite comments on her clumsiness while Brent apologizes for cutting her off. Jet & Cord lament over being in last. I doubt they are more than a couple minutes behind.

– Michael & Louie are first inside of the Victoria Concert Hall. Carol & Brandy and Dan & Jordan are there next.

singapore louie michael 2

The receptionist is too sophisticated to watch television and know who this ‘Wu’ fellow is. Is he the homeless guy sleeping in front of the fountain?

– Carol & Brandy go inside. Dan asks Jordan if he wants to go inside too, but Jordan bets Wu will be in front of the fountain outside.

singapore dan jordan pious 2

Let the man read his paper in peace! Or maybe he is looking at porwunography. I don’t know.

singapore allan wu 4

ALLAN: Is this what you are looking for?
DAN: Thanks, my man.

Since when did Allan become Dan’s man? Dan is not even aware of Allan’s puns yet. That could be a dealbreaker.

– Do you recall how Dan & Jordan are rarely in first place during the season?

singapore fast forward

Luck of the Jews.

– In the only Fast Forward of the season, teams must head to the Singapore Flyer. The tallest observation wheel in the world.

PHIL: The team brave enough to conquer this metal beast may come to consider it a giant wheel of fortune. Teams ride the Singapore Flyer until their capsule is at the very top. At the height of 541 feet, teams must exit their capsule and walk along the metal beam to the next capsule over. Once they complete this stunt, they will receive the Fast Forward.

singapore flyer

Yeah. Just a bit high.

– Because Dan & Jordan have a brain cell, they decide to go for it.

DAN (to the taxi driver): My friend, we’re going for the Fast Forward.

Yeah, he will not know where it is.

– Carol & Brandy, Michael & Louie, and Brent & Caite are inside in the main theatre room.

singapore victoria concert hall

Wu doesn’t do theatre.

– Michael & Louie and Jet & Cord are running together outside. They find the man himself.

singapore allan wu 5

Puttin’ on the ol swunglasses.

– Allan is Michael’s man too.

MICHAEL: You da man!
– They read the Detour clue.

Pounding the Drums or Pounding the Pavement.

singapore detour

See?

PHIL: The people of Singapore live in two worlds at the same time!

legend of zelda link to the past

What? Is Singapore located in Hyrule?

One is filled with ethnic traditions, and the other is filled with conveniences of the modern world.

– In Pounding the Drums, teams must head to a park known as Speaker’s Corner. They must perform a routine. When their drum teacher thinks they are ready, they must perform with the troupe correctly to receive their next clue.

singapore band

Yes, another freakin’ band. However, they are the baddest band of them all. Ready to take your lunch money and shove pieces of gum down your Westernized litterbug throats.

– In Pounding the Pavement, teams must head to a pedestrian mall. It includes ten boxes of ice cream. Working an ice cream uncle cart, they must sell twenty-five ice cream sandwiches. In the Singaporean fashion, they are made of ice cream sandwiched between wafers or actual slices of bread.

singapore ice cream sandwich

jethro dwayne micro machines

Let’s chase dem carbs.

Go to 6:40. That is the easiest way to find the reference.

singapore man

I scream
You scream
We scream
He screams when he gets whipped for letting a drop of chocolate ice cream smudge the pavement.

– When they sell twenty-five ice cream sandwiches, they will receive their next clue.

singapore man 2

beijing cara 3

If kids really want an ice cream sandwich, do they “cry uncle”?

– Cord is unsure of the Fast Forward and would rather match the teams. The Cowboys and the Cops both choose Pounding the Drums.

– Brent & Caite see Allan Wu outside.

singapore allan wu 6
africa diane ann 7

zabrina joe jer win

finale pamela vanessa chong 7

oman ad fuzzie 7
finish ida tania 4

Where Allan comes from, women have a much easier time making it to the Final Four of TAR. They make up twenty-five percent of all Final Four participants. The US version?

33.33% if it is Final Three.

linda karen intro

tricia godlewski 3

lyn karlyn

china jaime cara 9

charla mirna copter

chipmunks laugh

china kisha jen water 11

11.67% after fifteen seasons.

– Brent & Caite are in fourth. Caite wants to be at the U-Turn before the Lesbians.

– CAROL: He is a handsome man. Very hard to miss. There he is!
(Gong sound effect.)

singapore allan wu 7

Say what?

funky kong donkey kong country

Funky Kong and Allan Wu are kindred spirits.

– Jet & Cord tell the driver they will be right back once at the park. They know full well it may not be the case. Both admit they have never really played the drums. Michael & Louie are there too. We see a demonstration before both teams begin practicing. Cord is doing better at it than Jet. Caite is swinging her hips as she plays the drums. She says she cannot sing but knows rhythm well.

– CAROL: Cowboys are here; Brent & Caite are here; Michael & Louie are here.
BRANDY: Dammit all to Hell.

They’re not impressed.

singapore caite upton 3

The Megan Rickey Camera Operator keeps filming Caite’s hips. So odd.

– Do you know how much Carol & Brandy was being acknowledged by their cab driver earlier?

singapore driver

Not that much.

– Michael & Louie attempt the drums.

singapore michael naylor 2

Not much is going on up there.

singapore michael naylor 3

So disappointed, officer.

MICHAEL: I have absolutely no rhythm. I can’t dance. I am as White as white can be.

– I am so glad that somebody who is “as White as white can be” is not in the Ferguson police force.

singapore louie michael 3

Louie likes the White guys. You know what else Louie likes?

singapore louie stravato

Oh, c’mon!!!!!

– Carol & Brandy start practicing with their drummer. He goes really fast.

singapore kid

And is barely over the age of five. Carol & Brandy are rendered speechless.

singapore carol rosenfeld 3

Carol has no chance of getting it. The kid refuses to slow down. They change to a different drummer. Michael asks Louie if he wants to do the Fast Forward.

MICHAEL: Thank you, my friend. We are off like a prom dress.

singapore drummer

Uh, I think he might be a bit too young to understand that, Michael. Please choose a more age appropriate analogy.

– Michael & Louie say their only worry is Dan & Jordan but are convinced they chose the ice cream task. You know, instead of choosing the Fast Forward when they are first.

– Dan & Jordan enter the Singapore Flyer. Their stunt is not revealed until they enter a capsule.

singapore jordan pious 3

arnold

I knew I should have stayed home today.

– Louie & Michael repeat they are rolling the dice. If it does not work, they are screwed. Meanwhile Dan tries to get Jordan excited for it. He says it is cool and amazing.

JORDAN: Can they make the cars closer together?

Oh, Jordan.

– Michael & Louie are now at the Singapore Flyer. Michael asks the lady if “the boys” are up in the flyer. She replies she cannot say until they are up there. Michael begs her, but she declines to answer. Michael’s voice gets whiny.

singapore louie michael 4

Love that they could not intimidate that lady to provide them with the information.

– Jordan is feeling sick and discovering an intense fear of heights. Michael & Louie are dreading the news in the elevator.

singapore louie michael 5

Louie would punch that lady if he could.

– Michael & Louie return to the bottom and head outside. They discover their cab driver is taking a bathroom break. Louie is livid.

singapore louie michael 6

. . .

singapore louie michael 7

Frustration spin! Or Michael needs to use the washroom himself. I dunno.

– Commercial break. We resume.

LOUIE: Our cawb took a pawty break.

– Their driver returns and knows where the ice cream place is. Louie has another awkward line.

singapore ice cream

erik

Would you let Louie or Erik scoop your ice cream?

– Dan & Jordan are at the top. Jordan must exit through the top of the capsule first.

singapore jordan pious 4

Time to go through the top. Perhaps the most threatening emergency exit known to man.

JORDAN: If I fall and die, I love you.

– Jordan repeatedly curses and shakes as he gets on the ladder.

DAN: I think Jordan is really nervous right now.

No kidding.

JORDAN: We’re in a race for a million dollars, Jordan. A million dollars. A million dollars. A million dollars!

singapore jordan pious 5

Geez. That would be a scary thing to do. You can tell Singapore only needs a limited amount of space because every freakin’ building in this shot is a massive skyscraper.

singapore jordan pious 6

Don’t fall!

– We go back to Brent & Caite playing the drums. Brent doubts himself, but Caite insists that all Brent needs to do is focus. He centres himself.

singapore brent horne

Brent is trying too hard at this drummer thing.

– Cord has lost the rhythm again. Jet says this is not coming naturally for them. They discuss a strategy. Jet asks if he should be quiet or talk. Cord is unsure until he settles on Jet’s silence.

Probably because Jet repeatedly asking that question was getting annoying.

– Carol wants to switch Detour options. Brandy points out the other two teams are still present and have not gone to the stage.

That is a tough one. When you have a partner screaming “I can’t do it”, you do not know if they are trying to quit the task and are determined to fail or if they just need a bit more time to win the task.

– Jordan
JORDAN: That is and will forever be the scariest thing in my life. I’m just surprised I didn’t pee myself.

singapore jordan pious 7

Well, maybe just a little.

– Dan is going across the ladder in a much faster manner. Jordan is impressed.

JORDAN: There’s no way I could have ran this race with anybody else. He never ceases to amaze me.

– Jordan jokes that there is only one clue in the clue box. They read that the award is theirs and may go directly to the Marina Barrage. It is the pit stop.

singapore marina barrage

Between TAR Asia, TAR 3 and 16, I feel like we have now been to every location possible.

– Dan & Jordan think about where the Marina Barrage could be.

singapore dan jordan pious 3

singapore marina barrage 2

JORDAN: Marina Barrage. Right there. I see it. Phil, we’ll be right there.

Well. . .that was easy.

– Louie & Michael find the ice cream stall. Time to bang out other people’s ice cream. They have all of the supplies. A slow Asian-inspired soundtrack plays. We see an extreme close-up of  their cart.

singapore honda

Which is sponsoured by Honda.

MICHAEL: Don’t go anywhere ladies! We’ve got ice cream for you!

Sorry to disappoint you Michael, but women tend to not trust two single men who try to draw people in with ice cream.

MICHAEL: You’re the maker and I’m the yeller.

I love that Michael always makes Louie his whipping boy. Louie has never ordered Michael to do a thing all season. Chain of command is in effect.

singapore ice cream 2

For some reason, corn flavoured ice cream does not sound appetizing. Neither does Mango Meat.

– They have their first customer. . .and that is where it stops because neither are makers but both are yellers.

LOUIE: Get your ice cream from some crazy Americans.

– They succeeded with yelling their way into snagging one customer. Now the difficulty increases as they need to do it faster and manage to get twenty-four people through. I believe they received this message after their first customer:

sunset riders continue

Yes, are they yellas?

– Dan & Jordan exit and see the ‘Fast Forward Taken’ sign.

JORDAN: Taken by who? Oh!

Yeah. Jordan showed all zero people who are present there.

– Jet & Cord decide to go on stage.

CORD: I ain’t got no beat.

Or is it beets? I don’t know.

singapore jet cord mccoy 2

For once, the Cowboys are the ones who play the drums in a Western. Cord is lost. They are rejected. Brent & Caite leap onto stage next. Carol & Brandy keep practicing. Brandy believes in her.

singapore carol rosenfeld 4

believe in yourself

But Carol needs to believe in herself.

– Brent & Caite perform next in Singapore’s Got Talent. They shout “Stop!” every few seconds. They succeed. Their next clue is in Istana Park at the intersection of Penang Road and Orchard Road.

Everywhere is named Penang in this peninsula.

– Brent & Caite wonder where the U-Turn will be. She only cares about Carol & Brandy being behind her.

singapore brent caite

And is scaring Brent as Caite has an evil plan brewing in her head.

– Dan & Jordan have been riding in a boat all the way to the pit stop.

singapore boat

JORDAN: I’m the man.
DAN: We’ve been motorboating.

lori mole

Was Lori on the boat?

– Dan & Jordan run up the ramp and wrap around until they hit the mat.

singapore phil keoghan

Phil contemplates a new Asian wife.

rotorua singaporean sophie teng

I wish Singaporean Sophie was the greeter for this leg. I guess Allan was more than enough for an Asian crossover.

FIRST PLACE: DAN & JORDAN

They have each won a motorbike.

DAN: There is no chance either of us will ever step on that for a second.
JORDAN: Our mother would kill us. But we love it we love it. It’s good.

singapore dan jordan pious 4

Dan & Jordan: Such badasses that they openly criticize a pit stop reward and deem it useless at the mat.

singapore phil keoghan 2

I guess we will have to refund Yamaha for their advertisement expenditure. So sad.

– We cut back to Michael & Louie at the ice cream task.

MICHAEL: If we don’t sell these twenty-five WE’RE DEAD.

vote or die

p diddy vote or die

Wow. I never thought somebody would adopt the TAR version of the Vote or Die campaign. Except it is for ice cream.

– Michael encourages others to buy two or three ice cream sandwiches because he has a big belly.

Wait, he is offering to eat all twenty-five ice cream sandwiches? Say that from the beginning and you may find a local willing to watch you eat all twenty-five.

– Brent & Caite are at the park. Odd to see them a good twenty to thirty minutes ahead of the other teams. Caite gets extremely excited when she sees nobody has used the U-Turn.

– Phil explains the U-Turn twist.

PHIL: The last time a U-Turn appeared on the race, the team who used the power was able to remain anonymous.

seychelles brent caite 2

Don’t you mean unanimous?

singapore louie michael 8

Because Previously on U-Turn Powers, everyone UNANIMOUSLY agreed that Michael & Louie U-Turned Joe & Heidi based on process of elimination.

PHIL: But this time they must put their own picture on the board and suffer the consequences of their identity being known.

For some reason, Brent & Caite having their identity being known is encouraging them to use it even more.

I always like that the final U-Turn is open identity because it creates late game rivalries, and most teams must dread the idea of using it knowing they will have anger directed towards them.

– We get a flashback to the first airport scene where the tiara remark was uttered. No suspense as to how Brent & Caite use it. Caite said they brought it upon themselves.

BRENT: It’s just a game. Sometimes the race does get personal. They didn’t care to try and be friends with us. I think we made the right choice.

robb zbacnik

It’s just a game. It’s personal.

– Back to the ice cream shop. The cab driver walks over and buys TEN ice cream sandwiches. Michael’s voice gets all squeaky and weird. This is Michael’s best moment With that they have all twenty-five sold and receive their clue.

singapore michael naylor 4

Look at Michael’s vertical!

singapore man 3

A good time was had by all.

– Brent & Caite read that they must head to a shipyard. My gut tells me it is not far from the pit stop. Carol & Brandy keep practicing the drums. They prepare to go on stage.

singapore carol rosenfeld 5

Carol is determined.

– Carol & Brandy go on stage and perform. They await the verdict.

singapore carol brandy 3

Needless to say Carol is crumbling under pressure.

– They are presented with the clue. For the second time in three legs, they do better at a task than Jet & Cord to put the Cowboys in dead last. The clue never said “go to Penang Road” by the way. It said “at the intersection of the last pit stop city”.

– Michael & Louie are dropped off one block too early. Carol & Brandy meanwhile pass them because the driver parks right beside it. They excitedly run to the U-Turn board. Nothing can go wrong.

singapore carol rosenfeld 6

Carol decides to attack the U-Turn board. It is not pretty.

– Knowing Carol & Brandy, you can safely assume what tirade we will experience.

CAROL: They U-Turned us because you’re prettier than she is. Unbelievable.
BRANDY: It’s flat out stupid. Let’s be honest, she hasn’t built a career on intelligence.

singapore carol brandy 4

Did they seriously not see this coming?

CAROL: She’s an idiot. She is on YouTube to prove it.

She went on YouTube to prove she is an idiot? Something does not add up.

singapore brent caite 2

But she did go on a reality show to prove she could pwn haters who are twice her own age (and maturity).

singapore u turn

She may not have built a career on intelligence, but she did build up to a moment where she could seek her revenge on the public three years later. I can assure you 75% of people who genuinely hate Caite are in Carol & Brandy’s age demographic.

– Commercial break. We resume. The moment is replayed.

singapore carol rosenfeld 7

Judo chop!

– BRANDY: It shows their level of intelligence.
CAROL: We haven’t won a leg.
BRANDY: You play the game smartly. You eliminate stronger teams. You don’t keep the stronger teams to wipe their asses up.
CAROL: For me it didn’t just make sense to U-Turn a team.
BRANDY: Stupid is as stupid does.

seychelles carol brandy 6

Didn’t you say like two or three days ago that you are one of the strongest teams here? So NOW you cite that you have never won a leg.

– Okay, now for a funny bit of commentary from Brandy.

BRANDY: Brent probably stood there like this “I don’t know what she wants me to do right now. No Caite c’mon let’s go. Let’s run, Caite. Run!”

singapore carol brandy 5

Brandy. .can do a legitimate Brent Horne impression. The pace of his voice, his facial expression, and his tone are all imitated well.

singapore brent caite 3

Until Brandy mocks mental disabilities by comparing Brent to Forrest Gump in a negative way.

– Carol wants Brandy to focus. She needs to use her charm. Yes, Brandy has charm. How does Brandy feel about using her charm?

singapore carol brandy 6

Brandy’s charm.

– Louie & Michael see the U-Turn board. They congratulate Brent & Caite’s move on camera. Brent & Caite arrive at the ASL Marine Shipyard.

singapore asl shipyard

maui luke adams 5

The ASL Marine Shipyard’s foreman.

– It is a Roadblock. Phil says Singapore’s shipyard is one of the busiest ports in the world. Teams will perform a Roadblock that appears simple but could drive them crazy. They must inspect an enormous anchor chain.

They must count the correct number of chain links in a chain. The correct number is 521.

Both must wear hard hats upon entering the Roadblock area.

singapore phil keoghan 3

prague meghan cheyne 14

“And Cheyne is not allowed to do this Roadblock. Producers will not know if Megan is screaming at a chain or Cheyne”.

– Once the number is guessed correctly, they will receive their next clue.

singapore man 4

He looks like a character from Grand Theft Auto. I would not want to mess with him.

– Brent is doing the Roadblock. He begins the task as Caite identifies a problem.

singapore loud

People work in a shipyard. A labour job produces lots of noise.

– Viewers who hate Brent & Caite overall and the fact they used the U-Turn for personal reasons led to a record low level of popularity. It does not help when Caite and Brent both yell for the workers to shut up and be quiet. What is even better is that there is a guy on the intercom yelling out numbers for the shipping containers.

singapore loud 2

“I suffer from voice immodulation along with Pete Sampras. A little bit softer now. A little bit softer now.”

– Brent would write down after each one hundred cleared. Whether he re-counted the 100th, 200th, 300th, or 400th one is unknown.

– Jet & Cord are cleared by their teacher to go on stage once more. Suspenseful Danny Elfman-like music plays as the Cowboys try again. Both clear it with ease and know it.

singapore cord mccoy

Celebratory hat toss. I bet him and Jet are expecting to be last and eliminated this leg. Not too many people survive in later seasons when they finish last twice in three rounds.

– Carol & Brandy are just getting to the other Detour option. Brandy is yelled at because she did not keep up with Carol. Both are cursing each other out and calling each other bitches. They forget their ten boxes of their ice cream. Brandy refuses to pick a stall on the perimeter while Carol is adamant about choosing the nearest one there.

Location, location, location. Brandy would win this task in the first season of The Apprentice for this very reason. Meanwhile Troy would lead his team to sell ice cream sandwiches in the shipping yard.

– Carol & Brandy are much quieter and less personable with the public when selling ice cream. Shocker. They do have an advantage on their side, though.

singapore swine flu

Swine flu? This season is so 2010.

– Michael & Louie are in a taxi. Michael decides to take credit for training all of the other teams to U-Turn Carol & Brandy instead of them. He adds that he is a bigger threat than Carol & Brandy, but is awesome because he convinced everyone to U-Turn the Mean Lesbians anyway.

singapore louie michael 9

No, Michael. Carol & Brandy did not get U-Turned because you manipulated everyone into perceiving them as bigger threats than you.

Carol & Brandy were U-Turned because they are much bigger assholes than you. Huge difference.

randy bailey

It was not strategic; it was strictly personal.

– Louie re-affirms his desire of a Cowboy-Cop-Caite Final 3.

It is a sad day for the LGBTQ community in TAR.

– Brent writes down 521 as his first guess. Impressive. Nothing tripped him up.

singapore rhea

We have seen this Rhea-3 symbol in the background half a dozen times already. What does that mean? Are there drugs in the shipping container?

Sorry to blow the whistle on them. My bad.

– Brent & Caite they must head to Mega Zip on Sentosa island. This is where they will find their next clue.

Geez, I wonder what they will have to do there?

– Brent labels this as do-or-die time. It is about focusing on you. Or him, rather. I don’t know. I tend to tune out when cliches are uttered.

– Jet finds the “colour pond”. He meant to say coi pond. They celebrate upon seeing the U-Turn board. Away to the shipyard they go.

– Carol & Brandy’s plea for people to buy ice cream is equivalent to a child pouting that he is not receiving ice cream. Wacky Japanese gameshow music plays. They have twenty ice cream sandwiches sold. Let’s take a look at who is stuffing their face with this tasty treat.

singapore ice cream 4

Slow down!

singapore ice cream 5

Ice cream! You numba one!

singapore ice cream 3

I think you’ve had more than enough ice cream, buddy!

Just imagine what he will look like in 2014!

kim jong un mango meat

Oh my!

– Geez, Brent & Caite have a big lead. Louie & Michael are just getting to the Roadblock. Louie is doing the Roadblock and finds a shortcut of his own.

singapore pitch

He has a gosh darn pitch counter. Well you came prepared you eagle eye scout.

Oh yeah, we now hear about Michael’s life as a baseball coach in his town.

– Jet & Cord are at the Roadblock now too. Jet is doing it. We cut to Carol & Brandy where Brandy dropped the knife in the trash by accident. There might be swine flu on it after all.

– Cord points out the speaker phone shouting numbers and how it is messing him up too. Carol & Brandy finish the Detour. They could still have a shot at this. Who was their final customer?

singapore man 5

One guy who is experiencing brain freeze. Yikes!

– Brent & Caite are in a taxi as they approach Sentosa.

singapore sentosa playground

I am curious what research method was used to determine this so-called fact.

marcy playground

In North America, our favourite playground is Marcy Playground.

– Brent & Caite read the clue. What do you think they will have to do at the Mega Zip?

singapore clue

singapore mega zip

It’s a zippity doo dah that extends over 1, 200 feet. At the end of the zipline they will receive their next clue.

singapore tammy jih

Which will be handed out by Tammy Jih. She is the winner of The Amazing Race 14.

– Caite is possessed as she sounds like a crazed Rosie O’ Donnell about the zipline. Carol & Brandy return to the U-Turn board. They waste two minutes discussing the board.

singapore mug

Mean Lesbians vs. Bitchy Mug. Place your bet!

Do you know how Carol & Brandy have been repeatedly referenced as Cruella De Vil? And even by me as well?

BRANDY: She looks like Cruella De Vil with that bitchy mug.

Go on. I’ll listen, Brandy.

singapore carol brandy 7

singapore brent caite 4

I prefer her Brent impression.

BRANDY: She’s like you can see the hunger in her eyes and recognize the model she is with ‘my long blonde hair I can be the prettiest such as!’

Oh no.

singapore carol brandy 8

danielle dilorenzo

It’s more of a Danielle DiLorenzo impression if you ask me.

singapore carol brandy 9

I missed the part where Caite does duck lips. Were selfies invented by the time filming occurred in 2009?

– Brent & Caite are at the top of the Mega Zip. The worker releases the lever and rapidly fly in the air. Caite brags about reaching the end of the zipline first in a 5-year-old fashion. She also complains about a wedgie.

carissa gaghan 3

Seriously. Carissa is more sophisticated than Caite. This is hilarious.

– Caite throwing her voice into several directions each episode reminds me of Nicki Minaj’s rapping.

nicki minaj

Hopefully stunt casting never goes this far. Not like they could afford her, anyway.

– Brent & Caite have the clue. Pit stop time. Marina Barrage, indeed.

singapore sign

Have you ever wondered how they program those signs? How do they fit in all of those words for Singapore? I have been curious how they have done that over the past sixteen seasons.

– Brent & Caite hail a new taxi.

singapore woman

This woman who pulls the lever must wait another hour for another team. She is stuck there for the time being.

– Caite thinks it will be cool if she is the last woman standing.

caite miss usa

Something she was unable to do in Miss Teen USA.

– Michael & Louie clearly read about the clipboard earlier. They ignored this as Michael reports the number.

singapore michael naylor 5

Busted!

– Michael & Louie must walk back to the entry point as they are joined by Carol & Brandy. All it takes is a Jet error and there may be some suspense here. Carol is doing the task. Michael now has the clipboard. Jet keeps counting as he makes notes.

– Suspense is gone. Jet and Michael both hand in ‘521’.  Carol just arrived in the chain area. Jet & Cord take off in a taxi. Michael & Louie’s cab is away, sadly. They turn to Carol & Brandy’s taxi who was ordered to wait.

MICHAEL: They don’t want you to wait. They are very mean. Please. They won’t like you.  They’ll be mean to you.

singapore cab

Like this cab driver would know that backstory. He cannot hear you over the music playing in his earphones, anyway.

singapore louie michael 10

F–k yo earbuds. What if we gave you some ice cream?

singapore cab 2

All of the ice cream sandwiches in the world could not disrupt his loyalty to the Mean Lesbians.

– Commercial break. We resume. Michael’s accent gets tougher in times of stress. He manages to pay a lady to get out of an occupied taxi as Carol & Brandy’s cab driver calls another one for her.

singapore lady

“I just made twenty bucks!”

– Michael says this has been the most stressful moment thus far, and knows they have to beat Carol & Brandy at the next route marker because we know how much positions change at a zipline.

– Brent & Caite step onto the mat.

SECOND PLACE: BRENT & CAITE

Phil interrogates them about the U-Turn.

CAITE: This whole time they have been really rude to me. They have said some nasty things.
PHIL: Looks like they picked on the wrong team today.
BRENT: Exactly.
CAITE: They brought it upon themselves.

singapore phil keoghan 4

Phil’s own brand of sarcasm. I love it. He is indirectly making fun of Carol & Brandy who must pay for messing with the weakest and least intimidating team left in the race.

Love it.

– Jet feels Louie & Michael breathing down their necks as they get to the Mega Zip. Brandy begs Carol to count faster. Carol has the number too. We never saw anybody fail at this supposedly difficult task. Or perhaps it was edited for time. I dunno.

– The cab driver told Brandy about how “the blue team” tried to steal the cab. Brandy commends the driver for tattle-tailing and sticking with them.

– We watch Jet & Cord on the zipline.

singapore jet cord mccoy 2

I sense a med-evac!

singapore jet cord mccoy 3

The cowboys are relaxed knowing every team wants them in the Final Three, and they will be edited as the fan favourites at home. This race is going perfectly for them. Nobody remotely thought about U-Turning them.

– Jet & Cord have the clue. Jet specifies they are in a hurry. Louie & Michael’s driver receives directions from the lady at the toll booth entering Sentosa. Louie & Michael go up an escalator to the Mega Zip. Cardio time for Louie, I am sure.

– Carol & Brandy run out and are at Sentosa too. Cowboys check in at the mat.

THIRD PLACE: JET & CORD

Phil was told by a producer that the Cowboys’ drumming was “so pathetic”.

JET: The only instrument we know how to play is the radio.

singapore phil keoghan 5

Did Phil really find it that funny? That is the hardest I have ever seen him laugh in sixteen seasons of TAR.

singapore jet mccoy

Jet McCoy–professional bull rider and stand-up comedian.

tracy morgan

Just don’t let him and Tracy Morgan do a bit about homosexuality.

– Michael & Louie have the clue at the Mega Zip. Mike has to tell Louie that they must wait to rest until they get to the end of the zipline.

singapore snake

Whoa, Danielle DiLorenzo has been reincarnated on The Amazing Race but without the implants.

– Michael & Louie complete the zipline. Louie’s heart is racing and has him making an unusual comment.

singapore woman 2

macau tisha 2

If you take a first year Psychology course, you will know about the adrenalin love experiment.

I will sum it up:

1. They tested attraction of a male to a female in a normal regular setting. Not much would happen.

2. They tested attraction of a male to a female waiting in the middle of suspended rope bridge in the air. That adrenalin and heart rate resulted in the man reporting a high attraction for the same female.

In other words, Louie would find her ugly ninety percent of the time.

– Carol & Brandy are last to do the zipline. They may or may not have enjoyed it. The Hawaii adventure soundtrack plays.

BRANDY: Marina barrage.
CAROL: Marina should mean boats.

Seeing how Singapore speaks mostly English, I would say that assessment is correct.

– Louie & Michael enter a cab. Michael enters one of his usual lines.

MICHAEL: Drive it like you stole it.
ROY THE DRIVER: Heheheheheh, heyyyyyyyy.

singapore louie michael 11

Michael feels insulted. Nobody is supposed to laugh at his jokes.

MICHAEL: My friend Roy is driving very very fast, right Roy?
ROY THE DRIVER: Yeah yeah yeah, you guys will come in first, right? Yeah yeah yeahhhhhhh.

singapore roy

I like Roy.

– Carol & Brandy squeeze in another anti-pageant rant.

BRANDY: Brent and Caite are looking for the easy way out. I have no respect for the way they played their game. Frankly they don’t have any game. They don’t have any intelligence to put a gameplan together.
CAROL: Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Tools missing from the toolshed.
BRANDY: Too many metaphors.

– Editors are trying to put suspense together as we see both teams exit the cabs. We know how this will go down. Let’s just skip to that.

FOURTH PLACE: LOUIE & MICHAEL

Yep. The U-Turn saved them.

LAST PLACE: CAROL & BRANDY

BRANDY: There is no reason for Caite & Brent to have U-Turned us. They got to the U-Turn before two other teams who have consistently won, and they chose to U-Turn us? Dumb did us in. That’s all I can say.
PHIL: She said you were rude to her.
BRANDY: I will be rude to her -now- because it just doesn’t make any sense.
CAROL: I think there will be in the point in the not-too-distant future where we can get over the stupidity of today and just enjoy the richness of the experience, and I’ll translate that into first grader language for Brent & Caite.

singapore pokemon

Pretty intense words for a light-hearted setting that sees blue pokemon-like figures on the railing there.

singapore carol brandy 10

The time of getting over it may be soon for Carol, but not for Brandy, I have a feeling.

Although saying “we will get over it soon” right before you diss Brent & Caite some more may conflict with that.

Next Time on TAR: It’s down to the Final Four! And the competition gets even tougher. Will teams hang on or crumble under the pressure?

I should paste a link about Carol & Brandy in exit interviews. So I will.

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20421148,00.html

BRANDY: I was nervous for last night because I knew I had reacted poorly.

CAROL: Well, me being a mean lesbian and all, they don’t want to run into me in a dark alley.

You know what? They really are over it. Carol’s funniest line all season.

Carol & Brandy insist they were not that mean considering their episode one clip was repeatedly aired until their “poorly reacted” tirade after the U-Turn, and their sense of humour about it present-day.

Of course, do not expect them to be over it by the time the season concludes four to six days after the incident.

As expected, the stressful and conflicting nature of their relationship led to an immediate break-up after the race.

P.S. They said an all-female team would never win the race wearing men’s boots. An all-female team will only win if men have to run in high heels.

P.P.S. Need I remind you this was said in TAR 16. Yeah, you know what’s coming.

Number of Episodes Where a Team is Specifically Mentioned in the Next Time On. . . Segment

CAROL & BRANDY: 3
JET & CORD: 3
DAN & JORDAN: 2
BRENT & CAITE: 3

CONFESSIONAL COUNT

BRENT.CAITE 4.5
CAROL.BRANDY 5.6
JET.CORD 4.6
DAN.JORDAN 3.4
MICHAEL.LOUIE 10.3

Team Averages

Below is a list of all teams from seasons I have blogged to date, ranked by racing average.

e.g. Don & Mary Jean finished 9th, 8th, 8th, 8th, and 8th. Add up the numbers and divide it by the number of legs they have played.

Therefore their average is 8.2.

Bulls— Round One/Starting Line Eliminations
Eric & Lisa N/A
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A

— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0 TAR 4
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0 TAR 3
11th Adrian & Dana 11.0 TAR 16
11th Preston & Jennifer 11.0 TAR 14
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0 TAR 13
11th Ari & Staella 11.0 TAR 12
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0 TAR 11
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0 TAR 10
11th John & Scott 11.0 TAR 9
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0 TAR 7
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0 TAR 6
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0 TAR 5
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0 TAR 2
11th Matt & Ana 11.0 TAR 1
10th Edwin & Monica 10.0 Only team to finish last for the first two rounds of the race TAR Asia 3
10th Jody & Shannon 10.0 TAR Adventure 16
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0 TAR 9
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0 TAR 11
10th Neena & Amit 10.0 TAR Asia 3
10th A Black Family 10.0 TAR 8
— F +–
10th Steve & Linda 9.4 TAR 14
10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????) TAR 13
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.) TAR 7
11th Garrett & Jessica 9.5 TAR 15
10th Kate & Pat 9.0 TAR 12
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0 TAR 11
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0 May or may not be gutsy. TAR 2
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0 TAR 6
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF TAR 3
9th Marianna & Julia 8.33 TAR 12
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33 TAR 4
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2 Saved by NEL once TAR 6
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0 TAR 10
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0 TAR 1
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8 Yielded TAR 9
8th Marisa & Brooke 7.75 Sucked. TAR 13
7th Mika & Canaan 7.67  Why the heck did they sign up? TAR 15
9th Marcy & Ron 7.67 Bald. TAR 15
9th Isaac & William 7.5 TAR Asia 3
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33 TAR 5
8th Aiello Family 7.0 TAR 8
8th Singaporean Sophie & French Born Aurelia 7.0 (French Born Aurelia sadly does not know the English words for ‘team averages’. :/) TAR Asia 2
–D minus–
8th Tom & Terry 7.0 TAR 10
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0 R.I.P. Margaretta TAR 1
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0 Producers refused to hay bail them. TAR 6
10th Hope & Norm 7.0 TAR 2
7th Christie & Jodi 6.67 Saved by NEL–Became the Devil of Casting Later TAR 14
9th Brad & Victoria 6.67 TAR 14
7th Niroo & Kapil 6.75 TAR Asia 3
6th Maria & Tiffany 6.57 Saved by NEL once and Justin’s blunder again TAR 15
9th Rogers Family 6.5 R.I.P. Renee. TAR 8
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5 TAR 7
6th Henry & Terri 6.44 Used Their Yield; saved by a non-elimination round THREE times. R.I.P. Henry. TAR Asia 2
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43 Saved by NEL once TAR 1
9th Brett & Kinar 6.33 Rocky finish. TAR Asia 2
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 6.33 TAR Asia 1
8th Pailin & Natalie 6.33 TAR Asia 3
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25 TAR 9
7th Aja & Cabbie 6.2 TAR 13
7th Paul & Amie 6.2 TAR 1
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF TAR 4
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF Saved by NEL once TAR 10
–D+–
8th Lance & Keri 6.0 TAR 15
9th Zev & Justin 6.0 Passport lost. TAR 15
10th Ernie & Jeena 6.0 TAR Asia 1
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0 TAR 4
6th Andre & Damon 5.86 TAR 3
7th Daichi & Sawaka 5.83 TAR Asia 2
7th Dave & Lori 5.83 Saved by NEL once TAR 9
5th Kami & Karli 5.8 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8 TAR 3
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8 TAR 2
7th Shana & Jennifer 5.8 Used U-Turn TAR 12
9th Heather & Eve 5.75 Legal team beaten by rule book. TAR 3
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67 R.I.P. Nancy. Saved by NEL once. TAR 1
7th Jeff & Jordan 5.67. Saved by a stupid Blind U-Turn once but dead next day. TAR 16
6th Gaghan Family 5.5 TAR 8
10th Alison & Donny 5.5 TAR 5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF TAR 4
8th Sahil & Prashant 5.4 FF. Beaten by a bunch of rules. TAR Asia 1
–C minus–
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36 Saved by NEL twice TAR 7
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF TAR 4
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33 TAR 5
9th Monique & Shawne 5.33 TAR 16. Praise Jesus.
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33 TAR 7
7th Gus & Hera 5.29 TAR 6
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25 Saved by NEL once TAR 11
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25 TAR 5
8th Lorena & Jason 5.25 U-Turned TAR 12
5th Mark & Michael 5.22 Saved by NEL once but came up just short TAR 14
3rd Andrew & Dan 5.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 13
7th Silver & Gold/ Wil & Grace 5.17 TAR 3
6th Kelly & Christy 5.14 TAR 13
7th Ray & Deana 5.0 FF TAR 7
7th Melody & Sharon 5.0. Screwed over by weird penalty for another team. TAR Asia 1
9th Steve & Josh 5.0  FF TAR 4
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0  FF TAR 1
9th Mark & Bill 5.0  Wah. TAR 13
5th Fran & Barry 4.89 TAR 9
6th Howard & Sahran 4.88 TAR Asia 1
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85 – Yielded TAR 10
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF and saved by NEL once TAR 3
6th Mai & Oliver 4.8 In a car TAR Asia 3
7th Teri & Ian All Stars 4.83 TAR 11
7th Schroeder Family 4.75 TAR 8
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71 – Used Yield TAR 9
6th Brian & Greg 4.71 TAR 7
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70 TAR 10
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF and Used Yield and Yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 6
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67 TAR 10
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 6
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF TAR 3
8th Kris & Jo–er, Amanda 4.50 U-Turned TAR 14
5th Paula & Natasha 4.45 saved by NEL once TAR Asia 2
5th Uchenna & Joyce All Stars 4.33 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 11
8th Joe & Heidi 4.40 – Blind U-Turned with Injured Knee; TAR 16
4th Kisha & Jen 4.27 Saved by NEL once, U-Turned once TAR 14
3rd Brian & Ericka 4.25 saved by NEL once TAR 15
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF TAR 2
–B minus–
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23 saved by NEL once TAR 9
5th Gary & Matt 4.22 saved by NEL once and c—blocked once in Saunabuss TAR 15
3rd Nicolas & Donald 4.18 FF and U-Turned TAR 12
4th Linda & Karen 4.17 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
3rd Charla & Mirna All Stars 4.15 TAR 11
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.) TAR 2
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF and Used Yield TAR 8
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11 TAR 7
5th Andy & Laura 4.00 – Yielded TAR Asia 1
5th Carol & Brandy 4.00 – U-Turned. May or May Not Be Mean. TAR 16
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF, saved by NEL, grew goatees TAR 4
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 2
2nd Jaime & Cara 3.92 TAR 14
2nd Pamela & Vanessa 3.92 TAR Asia 2
4th A.D. & Fuzzie 3.90 – U-Turned and saved by NEL once TAR Asia 3
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF TAR 2
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85 Saved by NEL twice TAR 4
1st Zabrina & Joe Jer 3.77 saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
2nd Sandy & Francesca 3.77 – Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
4th Diane & Ann 3.75 – Yielded TAR Asia 2
4th Jon & Al 3.73 TAR 4
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71 TAR 5
–B+–
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 2
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF TAR 4
5th Kynt & Vyxsin 3.63 Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 12
1st Eric & Danielle All Stars 3.62 – Yielded Twice, saved by NEL once TAR 11
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF, saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
6th Mel & Mike 3.57 TAR 14
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56 TAR 6
3rd Ida & Tania 3.54 Saved by NEL twice TAR Asia 3
4th Joseph & Monica 3.50 – Yielded TAR 9
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46 TAR Asia 1
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46 – Used Yield and Yielded TAR 6
2nd Ronald & Christina 3.45 TAR 12
4th Nathan & Jennifer 3.40 – Never finished in 1st TAR 12
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 2
1st Chip & Kim 3.38 – Used Yield TAR 5
6th Steve & Allie 3.38 – TAR 16, and ain’t got no clothes.
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF TAR 1
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
5th Terence & Sarah 3.25 TAR 13
1st TK & Rachel 3.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 12
4th Godlewski Family 3.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 8
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17 – Used Yield, saved by NEL once
–A minus–
2nd Sam & Dan 3.17 U-Turned Pointlessly TAR 15
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17 TAR 10
3rd Weaver Family 3.15 – Yielded Twice, saved by NEL twice TAR 8
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF TAR 4
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 7
4th Toni & Dallas 3.10 Still in Russia TAR 13
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF TAR 3
2nd Geoff 26 & Tisha 31  3.09 Used Yield and U-Turn TAR Asia 3
4th Herb & Nate a.k.a. Flight Time & Big Easy 3.09 TAR 15. Znarf!
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF TAR 10
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00 – Yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 7
6th Azaria & Hendekea 3.00 TAR 12
4th Hayden & Aaron Saved by NEL once 2.92 TAR 6
2nd Dustin & Kandice All Stars 2.92 – Used Yield TAR 10
2nd Bransen Family Saved by NEL once 2.85 TAR 8
1st Linz Family 2.77 – Used Yield TAR 8
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 1
–BEST OF THE BEST–
3rd Margie & Luke 2.75 Used U-Turn once TAR 14
5th Henry & Bernie/Bunn-Eh 2.75 – Yielded TAR Asia 3
8th Rob & Amber All Stars 2.75 – Used Yield, Choked TAR 11
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 3
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF TAR 3
4th Oswald & Danny All Stars 2.67 FF x2, Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 11
2nd Ken & Tina 2.64 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 13
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF, Yielded, and saved by NEL once TAR 5
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF TAR 2
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF TAR 1
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF, Used Yield, and saved by NEL twice TAR 9
1st Vince & Sam 2.45 FF TAR Asia 3
1st Nick & Starr 2.45 FF TAR 13
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF TAR 10
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF TAR 1
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38 TAR 6
1st Tammy & Victor 2.33 Used U-Turn Once TAR 14
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31 TAR 7
1st Adrian & Collin 2.23 FF TAR Asia 2
1st Meghan & Cheyne 2.00 FF TAR 15
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF TAR 9
lol 3rd Marc & Rovilson 1.46 Used Yield and Yielded TAR Asia 2

Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)

11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 10 + 11
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 3 + 11
18 legs Danielle 4.78 yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
19 legs Teri & Ian 4.63 FF TAR 3 + 11
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF TAR 1 + 11
20 legs Charla & Mirna 4.00 TAR 5 + 11
21 legs Joe & Bill 3.71 FF, saved by NEL thrice TAR 1 + 11
22 legs Uchenna & Joyce 3.64 FF x2, saved by NEL twice TAR 7 + 11
*31 legs Eric & Danielle 3.48 FF, yielded x3, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
23 legs Oswald & Danny 3.30 FF x3, used Yield, saved by NEL twice TAR 2 + 11
25 legs Dustin & Kandice 3.04 used Yield twice, saved by NEL once TAR 10 + 11
26 legs Eric 2.65 FF, yielded x2, saved by NEL once  TAR 9 + 11
17 legs Rob & Amber 2.41 Used Yield TAR 7 + 11

* I determined Eric & Danielle’s average in this last section by adding up all of their individual points from TAR 9, then adding up their total points in All Stars and dividing it by 31.

Rank the Teams

1) Joe & Heidi

A middle-aged Asian couple on The Amazing Race who love to compete and are nice people in general? Not only are they trash-talking a bit, but they can back it up a bit by finishing near the top in each of the first four legs?

This is a team that deserved a better way of being eliminated. Jon Gosse–dammit, I mean Joe Wang! Joe and Heidi really should not have been a team that is overall a footnote in TAR history. Being stuck as the only team -forced- to do an impossible Detour option while a team ten hours passes them was tough to see unfold. It showed us how imbalanced the design of the leg happened to be.

I will forever be amused that their guess of “The war is over” was incorrect after five hours versus the correct answer of “We will prevail. Viva La France”.

Okay, I loved the unintentional humour involving their last name. Particularly when Joe got hit in the groin by a llama or falling off a horse and onto his groin. Only reality TV editors dig that low standard of comedy.

Joe & Heidi were by no means the Golden Parent team of TAR 16. They did allow the “Mean Lesbians” Carol & Brandy to cut in front of several teams in the second round. Nearly every team was already hating Carol & Brandy except for the Rhode Island Rattlesnake Dan Pious. This incident combined with their high finishes is 99% of what led to their U-Turn by Michael & Louie who were most affected by the Chilean Line Cut.

Now to the knee injury suffered during the jump with Steve & Allie. Joe was truly crippled by this. I have stated it about twenty times in these two episodes, but I can guarantee you that after going through trenches that Joe would have to withdraw and forfeit by the end of the following round. His knee looked ruined when exited the trench. I cannot imagine him being able to walk to a route marker, walk some more, and ride a bicycle for a few miles without causing severe pain.

If there was any team with unfinished business from TAR 16, Joe & Heidi would be your peeps.

P.S. Joe & Heidi would have been a satisfying elimination for the viewers if not for them teaming up with Steve & Allie in the past two rounds.

P.P.S. Where are Steve & Allie? Seriously? This is getting ridiculous.

2) Steve & Allie

TAR 16 was truly TAR’s counterpart to Survivor: Samoa in terms of editing. Ninety percent of Steve & Allie’s airtime would come in rounds seven and eight. The first six rounds was just two second clips of Steve’s alcoholism and Mama Smith’s duct tape obsession.

I was willing to rank Monique & Shawne low because they seemed like such bores who had nothing to talk about except Jesus and being mothers.

Steve & Allie had much more substance, and were a rare father-daughter combination who could kick butt on the race. Between TAR 12, 16, and 17, this would become the norm. Never ever thought that would happen.

They were likeable. What was disappointing is that their lack of airtime came about because they refused to diss other teams, and could not care less about Jeff & Jordan and Brent & Caite.

Heck, Michael & Louie hated Joe & Heidi but could not justify betraying their closest allies Steve & Allie. That is how much teams liked them. And in a season where everybody hates everybody, and the only true alliance is between Michael & Louie and Brent & Caite, it means people will have little to say about you.

They recovered from most events during the season and finished second place numerous times during the season. Once they exited Europe, their race took two odd turns.

The first, their narrative was given much more airtime.
The second, they would be at both the front and back of the pack.

Speaking of packs, they were the first team to voluntarily abandon their backpacks for multiple rounds. This sacrifice came with a huge reward for winning the Seychelles leg. Even if they ain’t got no clothes.

Sorry Mark Jackson.

In their final round, we saw signs of anger from Steve & Allie. Frustration with each other. Let’s just say their judgment became very clouded when stressed, and led to them losing the leg by a large margin. They exited their cab in traffic and chose to run for a half hour to the wrong location. From there they would switch Detour options, Steve & Allie giving the taxi driver mixed signals, and ultimately going home.

Their legacy holds up after all these years. Enough fans wanted them back for TAR 18: Unfinished Business, but they would be 1up’d by another religious father-daughter team just one season later.

And sadly there was an even more competitive father-daughter team who made it to the end by being extremely entertaining in TAR 12. If only TAR 18 would have allowed three father-daughter teams.

Yes, I am repeating myself here. A kind, generous, funny, competitive and interesting team that deserved more praise by the editors.

A populated Asian city was simply too much for them to handle late in the season.

3) Carol & Brandy

They are mean people. Mean Lesbians, to be more specific.
.
.
.
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Okay, but seriously. Wow. They invested way too much of their time insulting a twenty-year-old immature female who is known for saying something stupid on national television, and became one of the first truly viral clips.

They received a large amount of airtime considering how much of their energy was spent trash-talking the most immature team on the race. At least something came out of it as they were humiliated in the worst way possible. They complain they were U-Turned by Caite as opposed to teams who treated Caite much more nicely during the race.

But guess what? In order to be U-Turned you need to be behind the team that U-Turned you.

INTERESTING STAT: All five teams who have completed both sides of the Detour due to the U-Turn have all been eliminated since TAR 12. Lorena & Jason, Amanda & Kris, Kisha & Jen, Joe & Heidi, and now Carol & Brandy. There is a better chance of surviving a Speed Bump than the U-Turn.

That’s right. You’re better off finishing last than appearing to be a threat/complete jerk.

Oh, and the lone U-Turn in TAR Asia 1-3 resulted in A.D. & Fuzzie’s elimination.

In terms of TAR twists, 0-for-6 survival rate is a death sentence.

I was surprised how much Carol & Brandy were hyped each episode by producers. Why, they were even in the conversation as a possible all-female winner. Yeah, they didn’t win any of the nine rounds.

Not only were they just the second same-sex female couple in US TAR history (first being Kate & Pat–and Debbie & Bianca were almost there too if Bianca was down with it too),  but they were one of the grumpiest and oldest all-female teams. We rarely saw them enjoy doing the tasks. It wouldn’t be a leg of TAR 16 if you did not hear Carol & Brandy complain about what the producers were making them do.

Overall, they proved to be one of the more bearable newly dating couples in TAR history compared to many in the past. Yeah, they were still really annoying, but at least they were not angling for a slot in Hollywood. You have to respect teams who are being themselves.

Even if it means they come off as grumpy jerks in the process.

This makes Carol & Brandy who were worthy of being cast for TAR, but tough to hold them in high regard. This is a shame because they were the strong lesbian couple that the franchise needed. If only Bianca was down with it, and Debbie & Bianca did not drive three hours in the wrong direction in TAR 7.

Yeah, Kate & Pat had no chance in TAR 12. So non-competitive.

4) Jody & Shannon

Shannon may be one of the blandest people to ever be on The Amazing Race. I can honestly not recall a single word Shannon said in either of the two episodes. Her personality is as thin as her body.

Clearly, that is not why this team was cast.

After this season we only have one older team that comes to mind. Here in TAR 16 we are granted the oldest exception for the franchise as Jody Kelly runs the race at seventy-one. She competed in rowing, triathlons, half marathons, and does weight training on the side.

Sure, she would get beaten by TAR Ukraine’s Vladimir Valisenko by one year at the age of 72, but hey, did anyone follow TAR Ukraine? There was a season in 2013, but why wasn’t there one in 2014?

Jody also happened to be one of the most eloquent confessionalists in series history. There has never been a person in reality TV history who speaks more clearly and coherently than her. She needs to be given major props for that.

These two could have survived longer if they wished to do so, but there was zero competitive fire. It is like they chose not to race hard because they were afraid of hurting the other team’s feelings. If Adrian was able to get across that cable, Jody & Shannon would have slowed down like an adult racing their five year old niece.

Sadly, their inability to preserve a second-to-last place is what prevented them from making a reasonable run. They were certainly capable of it. Plenty of teams would have helped them if Jody & Shannon were willing to fight harder to stay in.

Instead Jeff Schroeder helps middle-aged males in physical shape get out of last place and ultimately beat Jody & Shannon by about five to ten minutes. Seriously Jeff, you must have known Jody & Shannon were in last. You really didn’t want to take the time to ignore Michael & Louie?

Just imagine a world where Michael & Louie, a team who proclaimed they would win all twelve legs, get eliminated by a 71 year old in the second round of the race following a ninth place finish in the premiere.

But that was not Jody & Shannon’s goal. They just wanted an adventure rather than a competition. Complete your run rather than win the run. This decision results in a very predictable finish for them.

We need somebody in their 70s who truly believes they can win The Amazing Race. That is what we need to see.

If only they fought for a better bus.

5) Jeff & Jordan

Jeff & Jordan benefited from a reality show where they have dumb opponents and twists that are rigged heavily in their favour. Coup D’etat? Porsche’s Pandora’s Box? It led to two of them finishing in the top five in BB11 as well as Jordan winning, and both making a deep run into BB13.

But The Amazing Race where Allison Grodner is not around to intervene? In the last three rounds that they play there is not a single equalizer. Perhaps an unprecedented stretch for TAR since the very first season. Jeff & Jordan are forced to play on the same level playing field as everyone else.

Yes, there was the Blind U-Turn, but that was not really biased against another team. Just an element of the race.

Bottom line: Jeff & Jordan had to play on an even playing field, and seemed to fall further and further behind with each subsequent round. The only time they did really well during the season was in the beginning when it was equalizer galore right before the Adrian Must Die Before You Can Paint a House and Win task.

After that they misread clues as much as Brent & Caite, find an early bus but fail to transfer to the correct bus station, get inside of taxis that take them to another continent, and just be slow to figuring out every single task thrown at them.

They hogged the airtime for the first 2 1/2 rounds, but their edit drops down for the next 3 1/2 rounds. Phil agrees they are underdogs at the end of fourth round when Jeff & Jordan are saved by non-elimination. So they become quiet underdogs who must rally, and get served with three episodes where they quietly start two to five hours after everyone else at the pit start to try and survive.

1. Get taken out of Hamburg by a taxi driver, fail at sauerkraut and switch as they are absolute dead last. Not eliminated thanks to a non-elimination.

2. Absolutely struggle with finding the baguette shop and Jordan not knowing how to crawl in a field. Joe & Heidi are screwed by a Blind U-Turn, and Jeff & Jordan are still hours and hours behind everyone else.

3. An equalizer has yet to be scheduled and they have built up such a deficit that it was impossible for them to catch up. Finally eliminated at the halfway point of the season.

Was it lazy casting to make Jeff & Jordan play? Yeah. CBS was trying very very hard to make them the new Rob & Amber. A couple who fell in love on one of their shows and find a big enough audience willing to be obsessed with them.

July-September 2009: Big Brother 11.
November-December 2009: The Amazing Race 13.
June 2010: Jeff Schroeder on Around the World for Free.
July-September 2011: Big Brother 13.
2012-2014: Jeff Schroeder hosting exit interviews for Big Brother.
August 2014: Jeff Schroeder proposing to Jordan Lloyd inside of the Big Brother 16 House.
September-December 2014: Jeff Schroeder conducting the Survivor: San Juan Del Sur live show.

If you asked me after Big Brother 13 that Jeff Schroeder would still be a big deal in the reality TV community, I would have not believed you. I thought the ship had long sailed. Their BB13 appearance reeked of desperation, but did have a fanbase. It should have been over after that. Even Boston Rob is done in early 2011 as well thanks to winning Redemption Island.

Will either of them be a contestant on Big Brother, TAR, or Survivor again? No. Jeff is practically a full time employee for CBS now. People like him, Parvati, Dr. Will, and Boston Rob definitely fill that role of those who are above reality TV and wish to be creating material behind the camera rather than in front of it.

In short, Jeff & Jordan’s personalities do not interact well outside of the Big Brother/trashier reality TV genre.

6) Adrian & Dana

She, uh. . .should have done the Roadblock.

7) Monique & Shawne

Monique & Shawne may be the most religious team I have seen on The Amazing Race since The Weaver Family. They were shown a little bit in the premiere where all they did was talk about Jesus. It is one thing for teams to be religious on The Amazing Race, but if it is incorporated into every action they take or every confessional where they speak, you are essentially giving editors zero footage to use.

Nobody wants to watch a show called The Amazing Sermon.

Them being invisible was not surprising because of this. It makes for rather boring television, and you wonder what was dynamic enough to put them on the race.

The other annoying thing about this team is that Monique did not physically prepare herself for the race, and producers were willing to cast her. Her and Shawne were both fatigued just three rounds into the game. You cannot fault Monique & Shawne for this, but rather producers should be ashamed for green-lighting a middle-aged all-female team who were out of shape.

Lastly, their early elimination qualifies them for being one of the least memorable minority teams in The Amazing Race history.

P.S. And they were the only obstacle to prevent Michael & Louie from suffering the biggest humiliation in The Amazing Race history. Boo.

Rank the Legs

1) Penang, Malaysia -> Singapore, Singapore

Bus, cab, train, and boat all used in the same round? I enjoyed that. Yeah, it was an equalizer, but you cannot really complain about that when there is no need for a plane and teams were all within an hour or two of each other.

The Roadblock appeared to be difficult but everyone breezed through it one try. Well, except for Michael & Louie who revived their South America racing skills by misreading a clue and lost time.

The Detour was fine, I guess. Kids teaching adults how to drum a simple beat was amusing to watch. Not even Michael & Louie could stick through it and opted to switch to selling ice cream. These local interactions are always fun to see.

Particularly when you see Singaporeans struggle with eating ice cream. There is something funny about watching people across all cultures having troubles with supposed local snacks.

The Mega Zip and Singapore Flyer were both truly thrilling tasks. Perhaps the two greatest height related tasks of the whole season. Screw descending into a wine cellar eighty feet.

Dan & Jordan winning their first leg while nobody else cares about them was hilarious.

I loved that we managed to get the best U-Turn of all time. Joe & Heidi being U-Turned out of the race? Not so fun.

Carol & Brandy being U-Turned and eliminated due to the person they ridiculed for nine episodes? Hilarious. What was even better is that Carol & Brandy would be extremely bitter about it for not only the rest of the leg, but also all the way through to the finale. No Louie & Michael, you had nothing to do with Carol & Brandy being gone. That was all Caite. And a little bit of Brent.

Take note, though. Carol & Brandy will not be the most bitter team when TAR 16 is over at the finish line. One team will topple them as they will resent what goes down for the next six years.

Lastly, there is one reason why this leg is the best one of the season: Allan Wu.

Wu -> TAR 16.

TRUTH!

2) San Carlos de Bariloche, Argentina -> Hamburg, Germany

Although it was edited out, the eight remaining teams were split amongst three different flights to Hamburg. Once they landed, they were given further choice by choosing between taxis, metro trains, and walking on foot to each route marker.

Freedom of choice in transportation is what all viewers miss in the TAR universe. Nobody wants to see a linear leg.

The teams were evenly divided between doing the Soccer and Sauerkraut Detour options. It is refreshing to see after an era of everybody completing the same dang option.

I also liked that the pit stop was in the Red Light District. Not every monument in existence is on the perimeter of the city in some fairy tale like landscape. They can be bars or clubs in questionable areas.

However, this round has some faults. The one-time return of the Intersection in the US franchise appeared pointless at best. Watching only one team check out of the pit stop, who also happen to be the stars of the season, really keeps many of the other teams hidden from the viewer.

Watching teams physically drained such as Joe’s knee injury and Caite’s hamstrings prove that the TAR experience is legitimate.

Watching Das Boot from Beerfest directly inspire a task was hilarious. I also appreciated a team being at the bottom of the pack in Nowheresville climbing to a first place finish was a breath of fresh air. Regardless of it being Michael & Louie, seeing a change of pace of “One Team Dominates All” since TAR 13 was good to see.

Yes, there is controversy surrounding the round finishing in the first Round of 8 non-elimination since TAR 6, and the fact it happened to save one of three teams production favoured going into the season.

This is by far the best leg design after four rounds. That is rare for a non-elimination round to beat out the first three elimination rounds.

Lastly, Vomiting Brent and Alcoholic Steve.

3) Reims, France -> Praslin, The Seychelles

The best point in most TAR seasons is when they head to a new continent after spending half of the season in the previous continent.

Not only do we get that this round, but also a brand new country added to the TAR franchise catalogue!

The Seychelles had a really neat Detour as teams chose between playing with a 100 year old tortoise by leading it on with a banana, or relying on an ox cart to transport 299 or 300 coconuts.

Memorable moments such as Steve & Allie choosing to race without their backpacks to pick up TAR’s ridiculous 7, 000 dollars + 7Up 4 L7FE prize, the trailing three teams moving to the front because they chose seats closest to the front of the plane, and Brent’s anonymous mishap.

Oh, and the Cowboys finishing last because they failed to remember to do anything this round.

I was disappointed with how easy it was for teams to find the pit stop. Or how easy it was to retrieve the bottle during the Roadblock. Or how easy it was to assemble that map. They could have done so much more with The Seychelles, but turned it into an overall rather quick and lame leg. I swear it took no more than 4-7 hours to complete the leg once in the country.

4) Praslin, Seychelles -> Penang, Malaysia

Main story of the round: Cowboys comeback from being in dead last once the plane landed and needing to complete their Speed Bump, and do so by winning the leg in a dominant fashion. The first team ever to complete this feat.

Other developments included Michael & Louie and Brent & Caite agreeing to U-Turn Carol & Brandy at the next opportunity. Michael also loaned Steve some desperately needed underpants.

I always enjoy the first Asian leg of a season (if it is not in China or India) because I love to see teams try and handle a densely populated Asian city. It is far different from the resort legs or European legs. Some teams can absolutely crumble under the heat, pressure, language barrier, population density, and knowing the million dollars is only a week away.

Steve & Allie were that team. The lighter load by not having their backpacks meant nothing as each task and each form of transportation was a struggle. What was once the strongest team in the race turned into a Porky Pig-like disaster.

The tasks were fine. I particularly liked the one Detour option where teams had to balance those huge flags on their nose in a Jon & Al tribute. Jet & Cord smoked it, and all other teams were too afraid to attempt it. They chose a long and gruelling steep incense candle transport task. The heat was killing them.

The Roadblock was a neat cultural task. Not memorable nor particularly difficult, but one of these neat ritual tasks that need to be sprinkled throughout each season.

Making teams take off their shoes beside a phone booth was a bit amusing. Why a specific phone booth?

Carol & Brandy were not referred to as “mean” as frequently this round. They certainly were in a much better mood.

But OMGz, did you see Jet & Cord win the leg after still having to do that Speed Bump? OMG I ❤ MY COWBOYS <3333333333333333!!!!11111ONE.

5) Les Monthairons, France -> Reims, France

What? No bus tickets? No being automatically sent to a route marker with other teams on a form of private transit arranged by production during the pit stop? This leg started from the pit stop and teams were completely on their own until the end of the leg.

Not a Non-Elimination. No equalizers. No taxis. It is all you from the time you check out to the time you check in.

What was great about this round is that we were finally introduced to Steve & Allie for the first time all season. Steve’s subtle alcoholism from round four was re-visited here in the champagne region. Seeing him fix a car with duct tape could not have been more Red Green.

Also, his uncorking skills are questionable.

I thoroughly enjoyed the comedy throughout the leg. The teams from the bible belt mixed up Noah with Joan of Arc. That was both hilarious and depressing. Is the American educational system really that bad?

The mime at the pit stop was creative. It seems pit stop greeters and judges have had wackier personalities of their own ever since TAR 12. Just a direction TAR has gone.

I liked Santa Claus helping teams enter the wine cellar at the Roadblock. Speaking of the Roadblock, that was the lamest part of the episode. It was the longest needle in a tiny haystack which made the task not only dumb like other needles in haystacks but pointless as well. The sabre wine uncorking did not have to be performed with any finesse which should have been made a TAR Canada-esque “you are not done until you do it in proper form”.

What if teams had to go into the hole, grab another bottle, and climb back up after each time they failed with sabreing the champagne cork? That would have been a much more compelling task.

The route markers mixing up their names with places in other cities helped make the day much tougher.

Producers finally tricked teams by having the needle-in-a-haystack task (searching for grapes) be much much tougher than the skill task. I personally wish the grape searching be replaced with brutal wine stomping or some exercise to match how awesome the wine tower pouring played out. I can watch a tower of 680 champagne glasses be on the brink of destruction all day.

Watching teams look for a vine of grapes? Not so much.

In short, the tasks were lame except for the champagne tower. The actual driving aspect and finding the route markers was much more intriguing.

Oh, and Jeff & Jordan were eliminated. Now we just need to eliminate Jet & Cord, Carol & Brandy, Michael & Louie, and Brent & Caite all before the Final Three.

6) Valparaiso, Chile -> Puerto Varas, Chile

The “most gruelling season ever” takes a huge step down in difficulty for this round.

Perhaps the biggest obstacle was for the racers to see Jeff & Jordan every twenty seconds. We did not see any of the other nine teams check out of the pit stop. The only drama with them was missing both buses in Temuco, but still being in the middle of the pack for the whole round.

The other obstacle was hearing the City Slickers theme repeatedly as Jet & Cord utter the phrase “oh my gravy” four times. Lone Rangers was uttered three times. References to their hat protectors was out of hand, too. Their sneaky little tactic to be the first bus into town  is when they were the most popular team in TAR at the time.

The initial route marker of making teams two or more buses along with taking a car and a boat was one of the best in TAR history.

However, the tasks and driving to subsequent route markers were very quick. Jump off a pier or put a blanket on a llama? Go around a barn collecting eggs, flour, and milk a cow? Then drive straight for twenty minutes to the pit stop? That is really easy stuff.

I could watch teams get kicked in the body by llamas and cows on repeat. That was the only upside to it.

In short, the five different options teams took to get to the first route markers was great. After that it was ultra easy and simplified. A bit of a letdown, really.

Screw you Jeff Schroeder for helping Michael & Louie to get out of last place to beat Jody & Shannon. If only Jody & Shannon knew to buy tickets for a connecting bus as well.

7) Puerto Varas, Chile -> San Carlos de Bariloche, Argentina

Teams are provided with bus tickets at the start of the leg? Wow. That takes a huge part of the adventure away from the show.

Once in Argentina, Jet & Cord were treated to an episode all to themselves because the entire round was a freakin’ cowboy theme. Not since Family Edition have we seen such an extreme cowboy theme at play.

The first task was one hundred percent luck as teams sat in a chair waiting for their clue. All we saw was the dealer giving cards to a team and cards to a GNOME in a poker game. If a team beat the gnome, they received their clue. Some teams were unaware when their hand was better.

Once they had the clue, teams walked one hundred feet to the Roadblock task. They appeared to take anywhere between one minute to twenty minutes at the task.

When that was done they drove a short distance to a set of cliffs where the Detour awaited. This was the only challenging task of the round (unless you were Shawne). They had to choose between counting out steps on a coordinate, dig up a bag, and bring it to the train station or taking swings at a ball and getting it past a certain distance within nine shots.

The number of teams switching from the bag bandit task to the polo task must have been a TAR record for a Detour. In fact, Monique & Shawne switched from the polo task to the bag bandit task. Only Jeff & Jordan and Steve & Allie did not switch out of all nine teams.

Steve rolling in mud, Big Joe Wang falling off a fake horse, Monique exhausted from doing nothing, and Michael & Louie completing the Detour for another team were all hilarious moments.

Also, Michael & Louie have an average of 8.67 after three rounds. Only 7.67 points off the pace for being the best of all time.

And did anyone think it was a bit unfair that Brent & Caite were treated and given care for over three hours as they had plenty of time to catch a bus? Sure, Brent was terrible at directions and only a lasso saved him as Caite demonstrated her stick shift skills, but you can’t help but wonder what Monique & Shawne could have done with a bit of treatment.

Do you remember where you were when Monique & Shawne were eliminated? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

8) Los Angeles, California, USA -> Valparaiso, Chile

Compared to TAR 15’s premiere, this one is ten times better.

But compared to virtually any other premiere, this one is probably sub-par. One hour premieres with eleven teams are truly rushed.

Phil starts out the season with the dreaded “toughest season ever” tagline that we know all too well from TAR Asia 3. However, TAR Asia 3 nearly lived up to that tagline. TAR 16’s premiere? Not so much.

First off, teams were brought in on the same bus. Next? They had to get to LAX using public transit. Therefore, this was the cheapest ride to the airport in TAR history, and obviously meant that several teams would get to the airport simultaneously.

Another pointless twist was that only three teams would be on the first flight, and eight teams on the second flight. That makes zero sense because you are at much more of a disadvantage if eight teams are on the first flight, and only three teams on the second flight. If the first flight suffers any sort of delay, they will be at the biggest disadvantage of all.

And guess what? The first flight was delayed, and all eleven teams were forced to be on the second flight! This is the first time in TAR history that all teams left the United States on the same flight. I can’t get over that.

Thankfully the rest of the stupidity lies with the contestants. Jet & Cord exchanging money for a currency that has nothing to do with Chile, Adrian doing the Roadblock instead of Dana, Brent & Caite refusing to read, Jordan Lloyd beating everyone, Steve & Allie painting the inside of a stranger’s house, and Michael & Louie humiliating themselves.

There was an unaired route marker prior to arriving in Valparaiso. I guess a neat castle was too much for 42 minutes. Instead we needed to listen to Jeff Schroeder’s commentary and laugh at Adrian in the process.

Dana & Adrian were heavy favourites entering the season because not only were they superfans, but viewers thought they would be like Chip & Kim or Uchenna & Joyce. I know. That’s a disturbing way of thinking.

They led most of the way until Adrian decided to do the Roadblock. The first hurdle of the season and they were nowhere close to achieving it. I personally think Dana & Adrian were doomed to go early despite this blunder. Adrian and Dana both sounded fatigued even before the Roadblock. I think him or Dana would have experienced a serious injury within the first couple of legs. They would not have held up physically for twelve legs.

So far “toughest race ever” is proving to be “least expensive race ever” after the premiere.

9) Hamburg, Germany -> Les Monthairons, France

What were producers trying to accomplish with this round? Every team stayed in the exact same position except for Joe & Heidi who suffered a Blind U-Turn.

Why did teams need to be driven to the pit start across two countries? Couldn’t they just have allowed teams to check out in Hamburg (even outside of the Red Light District for safety reasons), and make them drive across into France? The legs where teams have to self-drive for several hours show teams who have a good sense of direction versus those who do not.

This leg was perhaps the first post-premiere leg in any season to not have a Roadblock. They started out by driving about a half hour to the baguette shop. From there it was a WWI re-enactment in a spot with a Speed Bump, U-Turn, and a Detour combined. From there they walked for roughly ten to twenty minutes to a bicycle task which was a fifteen bike ride from the pit stop.

In other words, it was an extremely short leg. What was worse is that all teams chose a Detour option that was ten times easier than the other (trench crawl versus Morse code). The Morse code task was difficult enough that all teams in franchise history would have struggled for several hours except for Jim & Misti.

What was worse about this leg is that the previous round was a non-elimination but this round was not. In other words, a Speed Bump meant nothing unless you were the one U-Turned and forced to do the Morse code.

It is painful that Louie & Michael thought eliminating a team who was well on their way to a medical evacuation was a team needed for immediate ejection. Did you not see how much ice Joe needed? The guy was going to be stopped very soon. Gus McCleod from TAR 6 could have moved faster than him.

So pissed. This leg could have been so much more rather than an ultra linear 42 minute World War 1 re-enactment while teams do not know which war it is and having to sit through listening to Jeff & Jordan, Brent & Caite, and Brandy.

Although I did appreciate a break from Jet & Cord. Thank God.

***

By the way, this is the podcast that I do each week. 🙂

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