The Amazing Race 16 episode eight rankings

Eighth Episode

“Why Are There Two Non-Elimination Legs in a Row?”

COUNTRIES VISITED

CHILE – ARGENTINA – GERMANY – FRANCE – SEYCHELLES – MALAYSIA – SINGAPORE – CHINA – UNITED STATES

Previously on TAR: Six teams flew to the island nation of The Seychelles. At the Detour, Brent & Caite, the Cowboys, and Carol & Brandy lost their coconuts.

JET: Oh my gravy.

Hey, that wasn’t in the previous episode! The producers just edited in an ‘Oh my gravy’.

OH MY GRAVY COUNT: 8

Steve & Allie picked a speedy tortoise, but when they forgot their backpacks, they chose to surge ahead. They inched out Dan & Jordan to claim their first win.

On the mat, Jet & Cord were turned away for not completing a task. In the end the last place Cowboys were spared elimination.

Six teams remain; who will be eliminated. . .next?

– Holy crap. Steve & Allie are finally on the board for being mentioned in an intro or outro after eight episodes! That may very well be a record for a team in any season after three or four. Too bad I did not start this stat until TAR 16.

Number of Episodes Where a Team is Specifically Mentioned in the Previously On. . . Segment

JET & CORD: 3
BRENT & CAITE: 4
HEIDI & JOE: 3
JODY & SHANNON: 1
DAN & JORDAN: 4
JEFF & JORDAN: 4
DANA & ADRIAN: 1
CAROL & BRANDY: 3
MONIQUE & SHAWNE: 1
LOUIE & MICHAEL: 3
STEVE & ALLIE: 1

lol, the only team excluded was Louie & Michael.

– Phil introduces us to The Seychelles.

PHIL: The animals and vegetation of this tropical paradise are so rare that it is the only country in the world where nearly half of the land is protected as a national park.

Heh, I mentioned this very fact in the previous round. I am amazed a country has been successfully able to do so.

– Phil says that Steve & Allie won a prize from 7Up for winning the previous leg.

malaysia steve allie smith

And somehow Steve now owns a white shirt, and Allie has a purple scarf. Was it just for the reward?

– Phil says they will depart first at 7:22pm. It appears it was a pit stop that lasted either four or five hours or well over twenty-four hours.
malaysia steve allie smith 2
Well, Steve now owns a black shirt too. I am guessing producers wanted Steve & Allie to have a fighting chance.

– I should note that this is the first time that teams have ran the race without their possessions for multiple legs since the non-elimination mugging penalty ended at TAR 9’s conclusion.

– Allie reads they will be flying to Penang, Malaysia. It is 5, 700 miles away, and is an island city.

malaysia penang

Now that is a tourist hot spot.

– After being visited in TAR 3 and 4, this is only the second of three trips that will occur in the next twenty seasons (TAR 11 and 24).

– Once in Penang, teams will travel by taxi to the Snake Temple. It was built in 1815 and named after the local snakes which live there.

malaysia snake

I wonder if the snake likes bananas too?

malaysia snake 2

Do not tell the snakes to leave until all teams have arrived? Now -that- is how you create an equalizer!

– PHIL: But first. . .

julie chen

Okay, Julie Keoghan.

PHIL: . . .Teams must take a 2:00am ocean charter to Seychelles Airport on the island of Mahe.

– Allie recaps their mistake of forgetting their backpacks in the previous leg.

malaysia steve smith

You know TAR uses a lot of black and white flashbacks when even Steve & Allie get their own.

– Allie researches the weather forecast for Penang, Malaysia.

ALLIE: It’s going to be nice and hot!

malaysia allie smith

Wait, you are visiting Malaysia when it is hot there right on the equator? LUCKY! You definitely caught a break by flying there during one of the 364 days where it will be warm.

– STEVE: It’s not about how you look
It’s about how you act
And where you’re going
And all that
seychelles jet cord mccoy 13

Two can play the country music game.

– Steve asks a man to take his white shirt from him. The man just laughs at him. However, he is willing to give them a blue recycling bag for their luggage.
malaysia steve smith 2

If only 7Up sponsoured them for some new clothes.

malaysia steve smith 3

guilin margie 6

Steve was nicely asking for clothes and he is LAUGHING at him! And that’s just rude!

– My personal favourite part is how Allie reacts to Steve begging a man for clothes.

malaysia allie smith 2

czech republic meghan rickey
Putting on her best Megan Rickey face.

– Dan & Jordan depart second at 7:36pm. Jordan is determined to win The Amazing Race.

DAN: I’m psyched for Jordan. Every leg we stay in it and the further we go and the better we do the more his dream is getting fulfilled. It’s cool, it’s new, and it’s fun.
malaysia dan jordan pious

“And I am so happy for him and being able to do this for him that I can help him take home 500, 000 of the one million dollar prize money.”

– Brent & Caite are third to commence at 9:15pm. Michael & Louie quietly depart at 9:16pm. Carol & Brandy are shown right away at 10:19pm. Dan & Jordan and Steve & Allie did extremely well on the previous leg. However, like all three of the other teams remaining, Carol ignores this fact.

CAROL: I never thought anybody would look at us as being a strong team. We’ve just been really consistent, and we’ve been far more competitive than even -we- give ourselves credit for. We want this even more than we thought they did.

malaysia carol brandy

You guys were just a 7Up bottle away from being last in the previous leg. Jet & Cord’s blunder barely kept you guys from doing the Speed Bump this round. You finished several hours behind the two leading teams.

How in the world can you consider yourselves as a really strong team after what happened last leg?

Steve & Allie have won a leg.
Jet & Cord have won a couple of legs.
Louie & Michael have won three legs.
Brent & Caite beat you for the first time last leg.
You have not won a leg.

Seriously. What gives?

– Brent & Caite are at the terminal. So are Michael & Louie.

LOUIE: Brent & Caite, we love working with them. They’re good kids. They’re respectful. They’d be the type you’d be proud to call your own.

malaysia louie michael

“Brent & Caite once read for the Blind at a pit stop. Caite is respectful of people regardless of their race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation.”

seychelles brent caite 5

Eh, just a one-time thing.

– Brent & Caite talk about Louie & Michael being nice and how their nickname is The Daddies. Brent points out Louie’s tattoo to him. They now discuss serpents. Michael & Louie say that Carol & Brandy are the serpents. Michael elaborates on this by saying Carol & Brandy always speak the local language whenever they reach a new continent, and need to be eliminated as threats.

MICHAEL: I’ve trained my wolf cubs here. What are you going to do when you get up to the U-Turn?
CAITE (in her fifteen year old voice): U-Turn the S—! Out of them!

malaysia caite upton

Yes, Mr. Naylor. My Leader.

– Brent adds in a remark that carries over from the previous round.

BRENT: It is UNANIMOUS what we are going to do here.

malaysia brent caite

“And we all have forgotten how I said ‘anonymous’ just twenty-four hours ago, right?”

– I love scenes like this. The teams have rarely interacted with each other all season long, and pretty much the only two teams talking to each other are Michael & Louie and Brent & Caite. It has been a very weird season in that sense. What is even better is that a running joke from the previous round is intentionally edited into this scene.

– Jet & Cord depart in last place at 10:22pm. Only three minutes behind Carol & Brandy despite the penalty. They pretty much have an extended confessional that utters every cliche if how the odds are stacked against them but will catch up. It goes on and on. Quitters never quit and winners never win or something like that. So dull. The most interesting thing is the guy stumbling in the background.

malaysia man

Yeah, the guy in the blue shorts.

– Steve & Allie, Michael & Louie, and Brent & Caite are all discussing Steve & Allie’s laundry situation. Michael decides to help out Steve by giving him underwear.

malaysia steve smith 4

Steve is going to pawn it off for beer money. Count on it. I also find it amusing that Michael’s underwear size is probably three sizes too big for Steve.

Michael wants to see Steve & Allie in the Final Four because they are nice people.

– All teams board the boat to Mahe. We get an extended shot of a hermit crab.

malaysia hermit crab

I hear Survivor: Seychelles will not happen until the environmental regulations are lifted.

– Teams are on the same plane to Penang. Jet says they are tied for sixth while Cord points out that they are also tied for first.

malaysia flight path

They connect via Dubai before heading to Penang. Well, actually the town they are going to is called George Town. Penang is merely the name of the island region. I would not be surprised if it is more Thai than it is Malay.

– The Asian drum soundtrack commences. Teams are running like mad through the airport. A bunch of locals are watching in the background.

malaysia airport

eamon jawatin

No sign of Eamon, sadly. He was around for the TAR 4 and TAR 24 legs in Kota Kinabalu, but that was about it.

– Brent & Caite are first into a taxi. The route marker is only five minutes away. Steve & Allie are second. Michael & Louie are third. Carol & Brandy are fourth. Dan & Jordan are fifth. Jet & Cord are last into the cab. Familiar spot for them.

– This five minute cab ride does not matter too much.

malaysia cab
The only thing that matters is that Dan & Jordan have a sweet looking cab driver.

– Their driver passes Carol & Brandy and Michael & Louie. Then Steve & Allie.

STEVE: That’s the brothers?!

malaysia steve allie smith 3

“They still exist in this race?”

– Their driver passes Brent & Caite. Which means only one thing. . .

malaysia dan jordan pious 2

Ever since their record high second place finish in the previous round, Dan & Jordan are on a roll. And guess what?

Teams are not really taking notice.

malaysia brent caite 2

They are still trying to remember Steve & Allie’s names. Dan & Jordan are still being referred to as “The Brothers”.

– Dan & Jordan are brave enough to run to the clue box. Detour. Buddhist Tradition or Chinese Custom.

– Penang is a diverse population. In Buddhist Tradition, teams must choose a temple. Once here they must pick a set of twelve giant incense sticks and lug them to the top of a steep incline of 150 steps. At the top they must place the sticks into a giant burner and ignite the tops. When the ceremonial fire is lit, they will receive their next clue.

malaysia monk

And must hire Monk Labour to do so for ten dollars per year.

– In Chinese Custom, teams make their way to a big field and choose an enormous flag pole known as chingay.

chingy right thurr

Not that Chingay. I want you to balance that flag pole right thurr.

They are used to celebrate Chinese New Year. Teams must balance these 32-foot poles on their forehead and walk 120 feet across the park without dropping the flag. Once that is completed they will receive their next clue.

malaysia field
Neat field.

malaysia chingay

I wish this was the Speed Bump variation. Balance it on your forehead while sliding on your butt for 120 feet.

malaysia man 2

The man handing out the clue has a large forehead. I assume bald people excel at this sport!

Also, the Dream Teamer’s arm is really long.

– Dan & Jordan thought the Detour was at the Buddhist Temple, but realize it is at different locations. Dan feels like an idiot for releasing the greatest cab driver in TAR history (okay, that is debateable). We cut to the cabbie driving away from the Snake Temple alone.

malaysia cab 2

Wait, how can the driver be alone in the cab with a camera operator while Dan & Jordan are in an entirely different location? Does the camera operator film the cab driver for the entire day?

Or maybe the editing is fooling us and BEING HUGE FREAKIN’ LIARS BY USING FOOTAGE OF HIM FROM EARLIER WITH DAN & JORDAN!

– Brent & Caite choose Buddhist Tradition. Michael & Louie, Jet & Cord, Steve & Allie, and Carol & Brandy all have clues. Allie screams around the snakes. Smawt, as Jeanne would say. Dan & Jordan repeatedly try stealing various taxis, but fail.

–  They hire a new one. Many of the taxis are gone. Carol & Brandy are now second. Louie & Michael are third. Steve & Allie initially want to do Chinese Custom, but tell their driver to follow Louie & Michael knowing it will take them to the other task.

– Brent & Caite and Jet & Cord are still on the road. Brent & Caite are next to hire a driver. Jet is stunned everyone else has already driven away. He is pissed that their cab refused to wait regardless of the fact that he told his driver to do so.

– Commercial. Will Jet & Cord survive their Speed Bump?

– We resume. A local on the street agrees to call a cab for Jet & Cord. They must wait roughly five minutes for the cab.

malaysia dag gummit

Either Jet & Cord have learned a Malay expression, or it is an Oklahomaism.

– The other five teams are racing in taxis. Michael & Louie’s taxi passes Carol & Brandy. It proceeds to pass Dan & Jordan’s cab as well.

malaysia louie michael 2

Michael shows off his guns as if it was not the cabbie’s driving ability that propelled them into the lead.

MICHAEL: I feel like Jason Bourne, right?

*The Matt Damon version of Jason Bourne. Not that new guy.

malaysia man 3

“I don’t know who Jason Bourne is, so I’ll just smile and play along.”
eden of the east

He’d be more likely to know the anime Eden of the East which directly references and is partially inspired by the Jason Bourne flicks.

– Jet & Cord are told to go to the old man who is their taxi driver. They are worried but hopeful that they shall survive today.

– Michael & Louie’s cab is passed by Carol & Brandy. Suddenly the cabs split off in contrasting directions. Carol & Brandy are first to Buddhist Tradition. Brent & Caite are second to Buddhist Tradition. Carol & Brandy complain about the heat and weight of the sticks.

malaysia monk 2
I think that monk died while kneeling.

– Brandy repeatedly asks Carol to set it down, but Carol refuses to do so. They make it to the receiving station. Louie & Michael are stuck in a huge traffic jam. Steve & Allie and Dan & Jordan both decide to start running to the Detour task. It is probably easier for Steve & Allie to do so. Michael & Louie remain in their taxi.

– Guess who is the first to the Chinese Custom Detour?

malaysia cord mccoy

CORD: Oh! My! Gravy!

OH MY GRAVY COUNT: 9

– Cord continues to balance the gigantic pencil crayon on his forehead.

bugs bunny rabbit rampage

It is like what would happen if the brush from Bugs Bunny in Rabbit Rampage broke the fourth wall and was planted on Cord’s forehead.

mickey mania snes

Or if Cord had to balance the eraser end from the pencil showcased in Mickey Mania. Steamboat Willie unfortunately had to balance the pencil from the pointed end. Poor Willie.

– Cord is having an easy time with it once he figures out the wind pattern. Jet has messed up twice. This task looks like a ton of fun. It falls again. Before we cut back to Steve & Allie in the streets, there is one last image we must see from this task.

malaysia band

I give up. There will always be a band each episode whether I like it or not.

– Steve & Allie and Dan & Jordan both struggle to ask for directions. Michael & Louie’s cab passes Dan & Jordan and Steve & Allie. Both teams run after Michael & Louie’s cab.
malaysia cab 3

Look who comes crawling back.

malaysia cab 4

Nothing like keeping up with a moving vehicle.

– Jet makes another attempt.

JET: We used to play with brooms and it wasn’t much longer until somebody said ‘I could balance it on my nose longer than you can’.

malaysia jet mccoy

Oklahoma Broom Balancing Competition prepares you well for The Amazing Race.

jon balances bike

“But can you balance a bicycle?”

– Jet & Cord have their clue. They read that they must take a taxi to the village of Teluk Bahang. Find a temple to receive their next clue.

buzz lightyear everywhere

– Jet & Cord get into a taxi and act like the Speed Bump will make or break them.

– Carol needs to take a break. Thirty or so degrees as they compete with people more than half of their age (but sadly not half of their maturity) must be exhausting. Michael & Louie’s cab is now at the temple too.

malaysia brent caite 3

Caite now refers to them as the “Mean and Fatigued Lesbians”.

– Brent makes an unusual religious request.
malaysia brent caite 4

I do not think you know how air conditioning works, Brent.

– Meanwhile Michael & Louie are getting to know each other on a more intimate level.

malaysia louie michael 3

Two hands, Louie? Two hands?

– Jet & Cord are at the next route marker. It is a Speed Bump.

malaysia jet cord mccoy

Time to cowboy up, fellas.

– They must make their way to a tropical spice garden and find the lady preparing the spiced teas. Using their sense of smell, they must determine which bowl is made from crushed spice. They must serve the tea to the meditating guru. Once the guru approves, they will be able to continue on with the race.
malaysia spice
Spice Girl.

macau henry bernie 6
Or Bunn-Eh from TAR Asia 3.

malaysia guru

The guru.

– Jet & Cord re-enter their taxi. The driver tells them it is a thirty minute drive away. Carol & Brandy and Brent & Caite are both moving slowly up the steps. We also see the grumpiest monk in temple history.

malaysia monk 3

Mad he could not bring his copy of Starcraft to the temple.

– Michael & Louie are transporting three at a time. Carol commends Michael for carrying two while Louie only has one. Louie starts having the worst cough attack that I have heard in TAR history. It sounds like somebody who has smoked thirty cigarettes each day for ten years.

malaysia louie stravato

Michael may have spoken too soon.

malaysia louie stravato 2

Louie may be done with the race sooner rather than later.

– CAITE: We caught up to the Lesbians and they still have two more.

Couldn’t you just refer to them as “the women”? They have been the only all-female team left in the race since round four. I cannot help but sense a bit of prejudice from these teams.

– Jet & Cord are already smelling spices. Both have stuffed up sinuses. They find the aroma to be really strong.

malaysia jet mccoy 2

We’ve got only one spice in Oklahoma and its texture is yellow.

– Jet & Cord transport the tea to the guru who is indeed meditating on the swing. It is hot. Cord does all of the work in transporting it and pouring the cub. The guru shakes his head. Incorrect.

– Steve & Allie and Dan & Jordan are still running. Now they must go up a hill. So much for the cab driver telling them it was only a four or five minute run away.

– Jet & Cord are correct on their second attempt. Granted there were only four or five spice cups. Which cup of spice was it?

malaysia yellow spice
Wow. The spice really was yellow. It actually worked out in their favour. Yellow Oklahoma paid off.

– Steve & Allie’s cab driver sneaks up behind them. They re-enter their cab. Dan & Jordan are now last as they are at the temple. The cab ride must have been for only twenty seconds. It reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Marge races to catch up to the school bus to make Bart and Lisa ride the bus, and she eventually catches up with the bus. The whole joke relies on the fact that they are now only twenty feet from the elementary school.

– So both teams are at the temple. The only problem?

malaysia cab 5

It’s the wrong one.

– Dan & Jordan fail to steal Steve & Allie’s cab. He remains loyal to Steve & Allie. They drive away while the Rhode Island Rattlesnakes are stuck in the heat at a temple after running for half an hour.

– Commercial. We resume.

malaysia dan jordan pious 3

This is not going to end well.

– Steve repeatedly asks the driver if he knows where he is going this time. He gets a couple of conflicting answers.

– Dan & Jordan have a taxi van of their own.

malaysia steve allie smith 4

Uh oh.

– Steve & Allie get out with the driver. They point out the location to him on the map. He says it is fifteen minutes away. Allie shows an emotion of anger as she wonders why the driver did not go there in the first place.

I wonder why Steve & Allie re-entered that taxi in the first place.

– Speaking of first place, Jet & Cord return to the route marker and do not see any other teams. It is a Roadblock.

PHIL: With more than half the competition, the competition is getting fierce.

– They must do two tasks that require good luck. First, they must smash open coconuts until they find one with a bright colour inside. They must use local materials and their coloured coconut to make a traditional miniature offering known as a float and present it to a guy who will set it off to sea. They will be presented with their next clue.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The guy is known as a Gurukkal. I have never heard of a Gurukkal before. They are some sort of priest.

– Jet is doing the Roadblock after Cord says “here you take it”. Several coconuts are smashed by Jet.

malaysia coconut

He was provided with several coconuts in Malaysia and. . .

lonely island threw it on the ground

Threw it on the ground!

– Brent & Caite are finished transporting the incense sticks. Carol & Brandy start about a minute after them. Louie is preparing to die as he requests for an elevator. They receive the same clue that they must head to the place known as Koil Sri Singamuga Kaliamman Temple.

No wonder Phil said “teams must head to this temple”. I bet he had zero interest in pronouncing the full name of the location.
malaysia clue

Proof that I was telling the truth.

– CAITE: I can’t believe we beat the Lesbians.

They are no longer mean?

– Dan & Jordan are at the route marker. Caite cheers on the taxi driver to move in the voice of a ten year old. Carol & Brandy are finished the task too.

BRENT: We proved that’s what we wanted, and look who came out on top.
CAITE: . . .We did.
BRENT (confessional): I was so proud of Caite.
CAITE (confessional): We ended up passing the Lesbians. We definitely tried to beat them and we did a helluva job.
BRENT: We showed everybody up. Everybody whose got the wrong opinion. . .screw them.
malaysia brent caite 5

Yeah, those chumps with incorrect subjective thoughts.

– Carol & Brandy are in a taxi too. We cut back to Louie somehow not vomiting. They are finished the task too. Michael and Dan talk about where Steve & Allie might be. Either they did the other option or Steve & Allie are lost.

– Steve & Allie are at the other task. Allie is stunned. She does not believe she can do it. She repeats it a few times.

malaysia allie smith 3
This is as far as Allie gets before switching.

– They run along the street and see their taxi is already gone. Instead of re-attempting the task, they are somewhat dumb and run for several blocks.

– We cut back to Jet & Cord where Jet has revealed a coloured coconut.

JET: I’m not really crafty.

malaysia jet cord mccoy 2

“But those Mean Lesbians sure are.

malaysia cord mccoy 2

Jet’s hat is in a safe place.

– The locals watch and the bands play as Jet figures out this arts and crafts setup.

malaysia jet mccoy 3

Why does Jet shave his head in the shape of a ‘U’? So odd.

– Steve & Allie have found a new taxi. Steve tells Allie to hang in there because it will be a long day.

– Caite is worried the taxi is dropping them off at the wrong location. Brent is freaking out saying they need to wait and see. It becomes clear this is not a temple. The taxi driver is instructed to turn around.

I love how overwhelmed teams are when they enter Asia.

– Okay. There is this one singer who sounds like Alvin & The Chipmunks. I cannot do the audio justice.

malaysia woman

She may not be Dustin nor Kandice, but she would love a hula hoop.

– The Guruwhatshisname takes Jet’s craft and sets it adrift like an eliminated contestant from Pirate Master.
malaysia gurukal

Jet and the Gurukal are playing with a toy boat.

– Jet hopes it is a pit stop. His wish is granted. They read they must take a taxi to the historic part of the island and find the Pinang Peranakan Mansion.

PHIL: It was built by one of the wealthiest residents on the island.

malaysia phil keoghan

Really, Phil? You find it hard to believe that someone of the working class was unable to construct this multi-million dollar mansion?

– Jet starts cat calling as him and Cord run up the hill. They re-enter their taxi. Carol & Brandy see Jet & Cord leaving the route marker.

CORD: We did one Detour, a Speed Bump, and a Roadblock and we hadn’t seen a team yet. There ain’t a person on this Peng Gang island who can smash  coconut faster than Jet can.

I believe the word “pwn” can be appropriately used here.

malaysia carol brandy 2
Second place does not look so glamourous anymore.

– Carol is doing the Roadblock. Brent & Caite pull over to ask for directions. They are told it is seaside. All the driver says is “okay, okay”. Steve & Allie hop out of their cab to see Dan & Jordan still doing the task. Dan relays this information to Jordan.

STEVE: Do we grab this one–
ALLIE: Will–will–you look with me for a second? Look with me, please!

Wow. Allie is frazzled. This is what happens when they are doing worse than second.

– In the meantime a monk repeatedly rings a small bell. It is one of the most annoying instruments I have heard in my life.
malaysia monk 4
The monk’s revenge for not being allowed to play Starcraft in the temple.

– Carol has a coloured coconut. Brandy screams at her to start doing the craft. Her voice sounds extremely dry. Louie is next to start the Roadblock. Brandy offers encouragement.

malaysia louie stravato 3

Meanwhile Michael offers Louie some luck. Louie smashed it on the second coconut. Seeing how many have been smashed by Carol and Jet, this is an extremely freakin’ lucky feat. Brandy is shocked.

malaysia michael naylor

Michael is never one to brag.

– Brent & Caite are fifth to the Roadblock. Brent repeatedly states “oh my god” when he sees the other two teams there. Carol comments on Brent & Caite being far ahead of them in terms of completing the Detour.

malaysia brent caite 6

And are somehow behind Dan & Jordan who are still way back at the Detour? How is this possible?

– We cut back to Jet & Cord in the cab.

CORD: Back in the saddle.
JET: Back in the saddle. That’s right.

malaysia jet cord mccoy 3

Back in the saddle? Really? The episode title for the TAR 24 premiere uttered by Jet & Cord is originally quoted here in the middle of TAR 16? Geez, producers really loved to cling to the same four or five quotes by Jet & Cord.

– They note they must take their shoes off next to the phone booth.

malaysia jet cord mccoy 4

Clark Kent would have issues in Malaysia.

– They enter the building. It is the slowest entrance by Jet & Cord entering a pit stop.

malaysia phil keoghan 2

Phil and the greeters look on.

– The greeter welcomes them to Muh-Lay-See-Uh.

– FIRST PLACE: JET & CORD

– Cord comments that Phil should play poker after the race is over.

malaysia jet cord mccoy 5

Jet laughs at the competition that remains in the race.

– Phil informs them they have won a trip for two from Travelocity to visit Maui.

CORD: Yeah-uh!

Geez. Cord really has the same four or five quotes.

PHIL: You will have a romantic dinner under the stars.

Jet & Cord find this part hilarious.

– Phil informs them that they are the first team ever to rebound from a last place non-elimination leg with the Speed Bump penalty by winning the very next leg.

TAR 12, 13, 14, and 15 had nine occasions where that failed to occur. Jeff & Jordan were failure number ten.

– He adds that Jet & Cord are setting themselves up nicely to win the race.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This is truly where Jet & Cord Mania began. Sure, they were big fan favourites in the first three legs of the race before fading into the background a bit, but between the NEL and their victory this leg, I can assure you that 95% of the audience were rooting for Jet & Cord to win.

– Dan & Jordan bring up the last incense stick.

malaysia rhode island

Did Dan really do a shoutout to all of his peeps in the RI because he was carrying a large incense candle up a Malaysian temple? Usually people do a shoutout in rap songs or in a sporting event. But Dan & Jordan? No. It is while carrying a freakin’ stick on The Amazing Race.

– Allie is panicking. Carol presents her float to the Gurukal and has the clue. She runs up the beach without snapping her achilles heel.

BRANDY: I finally love you!

About time. You’ve been a raging jerk since the beginning. She is finally improving her mood consistently.

– Michael is excited as Louie completes the Roadblock too. Michael not only high five’d Brandy earlier, but he cheers on Caite who has smashed about forty or fifty coconuts.

malaysia caite upton 2

Twenty minutes later.

– Dan & Jordan finish the Detour after Dan points out that the sun is pounding. They have their clue. They wish Allie good luck. Steve tells Allie to inform him when she needs a break. Dan & Jordan enter their taxi van.

DAN: This is badass hot.

Where is the conversion chart?

– Caite has cracked open a coloured coconut. She puts together the float.

malaysia coconut 2

I do not know what is supposed to be on the cover of that matchbox, but I think it needs to be checked out.

malaysia caite upton 3

Caite already showing off her craft skills.

– For some reason, childlike Disney/Dreamworks piano music plays when Caite presents her float. She smiles. Brent congratulates her on the effort.

BRENT: We’ve got to go straight here. No joke. Just freakin’ go.

No wonder the driver is confused. You should leave out those last two sentences. I swear taxi drivers would know what racers want if they leave out the American lingo.

– Carol & Brandy enter the mansion. Carol is waiting for Phil’s eyebrow to go up.
malaysia phil keoghan 3

“What?”

malaysia phil keoghan 4

“You mean this?”

– CAROL: Carol & Brandy. . .
PHIL: . . .
BRANDY: You are. . .
PHIL: . . .
CAROL & BRANDY: Team number. . .

malaysia carol brandy 3

We’re waiting. . .
malaysia phil keoghan 5

That cheeky little Kiwi.

SECOND PLACE: CAROL & BRANDY

– We cut back to Steve & Allie alone on the Detour. Steve instructs Allie to get up on the platform.

STEVE: Allie. Easy. Easy.
malaysia steve allie smith 5

Because when you are in dead last, you have nothing but an ample amount of time on your hands.

– Steve has a priceless quote after Allie steps off of the ladder.

STEVE: Great teamwork!

Yes. Good work, Steve. Good work as Allie lit every incense candle, and you had to awkwardly angle yourself away from Allie’s booty. Team effort!

– Oh god. The bell rings the high-pitched bell again. They hail a brand new taxi. Dan & Jordan’s taxi van has a curious problem.

malaysia dan jordan pious 4

You cannot say Dan is not into this race when you see the facial expression on his face.

malaysia dan jordan pious 5

Scratch that. This picture is better.

– Dan is kicking himself even more for dropping their original cab driver.

JORDAN: Why can’t anything be easy? I just don’t understand.

Because then you would be on TAR 24.

– Commercial. We resume. Dan & Jordan’s van is finished filling up.

– Steve & Allie’s cab is preparing to turn around.

STEVE: Are you turning around?
CAB DRIVER: Yeah, yeah.
STEVE:C’mon. We-we-we gotta go. We’ll-we’ll get this cab. Want me to get this cab?
ALLIE: No, no. he’s doing it.
STEVE: We’ve had the tortoise, and I want a rabbit. Can you be a rabbit?
ALLIE: No! Dad, dad! Sorry! We were really stressed.
STEVE: I’m not stressed. I just want the guy to drive.

seychelles tortoise 4

If only you had a banana, things would not be so bad.
malaysia steve allie smith 6

Oh my word. Steve & Allie being stressed out in situations is perhaps my favourite stress moment of any team this season. Steve turns into Porky Pig with his stuttering as he talks about hunting taxi rabbits.

porky pig
Careful. I’m hunting Malaysian Ra-ra-rabbit.

Now enjoy a messed up Porky Pig blooper.

– THIRD PLACE:  LOUIE & MICHAEL

They are happy with their finish.

– Funky Asian soundtrack plays as Dan & Jordan are fifth to the Roadblock.

ROADBLOCK HINT: Whose life could use a splash of colour?

Guess who is volunteering for this task?

malaysia jordan pious

Probably the guy skipping and hopping along the beach there.

– Jordan has a blue coconut within seconds. Steve & Allie are still in the cab. The band plays as Jordan comments the task is easy.

malaysia trumpet

Meanwhile this guy is just giving it on the Malaysian trumpet.

– Jordan hands in his float after saying it was easy. He is the only person to be rejected. How did he go wrong?

malaysia float

Because he forgot the ‘float’ part of the float!

– Allie tells the driver that they are in a race and need to go faster.

malaysia man 4

And now the award for Most Asian Response in the history of The Amazing Race goes to. . .

– The driver kicks it into high gear. Dan instructs Jordan to analyze the clue once more. Jordan catches on to what went wrong.

STEVE: We will beat Dan & Jordan. We are going to beat them and survive this.

malaysia jordan pious 2
Yeah, not happening.

– Dan & Jordan head to the pit stop. Steve & Allie show up alone to the Roadblock. Allie is doing the task. She does a good job of splashing the one coconut.

malaysia allie smith 4

Now you see Allie.
malaysia allie smith 5

Now you don’t.

– Brent & Caite spot the mansion. They exit the cab. Into the building they go.

FOURTH PLACE: BRENT & CAITE

Their reaction is silent.

BRENT & CAITE: We’ll take it.

They would celebrate if they finished ahead of Carol & Brandy, I can assure you.

– Back to Allie at the Roadblock.

malaysia drum

Where the drummer has killed their fingers to the point that they must be taped up by the time Allie shows up.

– Allie has a yellow coconut. Probably from Oklahoma. She struggles to light the float. She goes into the sea and presents it to the Gurukal.

STEVE: Big Kahuna straight ahead.

teri ian

Not Malaysian.

– Allie has the clue. The driver knows where to go. Taxi showdown between them and Dan & Jordan. Or rather, a battle of the editors to make this suspenseful.

DAN: Everybody and their mother from Malaysia is turning into this parking lot right now.

malaysia car

It seems to be as fun as driving in Toronto.

– Steve thinks their taxi driver will save them from elimination. Suspense time. Nobody is buying that a possible upset could occur. Both tams act like they are seconds away from the mansion.

– The same childlike music played for Caite is repeated for Dan & Jordan’s arrival.

FIFTH PLACE: DAN & JORDAN

malaysia dan jordan pious 6

DAN: This is ass huge.

yolanda badonka

No. We’re not going there.

– Steve & Allie are last to the mat.

LAST PLACE: STEVE & ALLIE

– Phil breaks their news of elimination to them. Allie cries when asked what it was like for her to race with her dad. Steve constantly kisses her on the cheek.

malaysia phil keoghan 6
“And what was it like when he turned into Porky Pig once you guys fell into last place?”

– Allie says they will share this experience forever. Steve breaks down a bit too. Phil comments that Steve must not get emotional much.

STEVE: I still look at her like a five year old little girl.

That is a bit disturbing.

STEVE: I got World Series rings and, I’m going to have to tell you, many people will think I’m crazy, but this jumped ahead of it.

malaysia steve allie smith 8

Thankful that they avoided being Jeremy & Sandy’d.

malaysia steve allie smith 7

Steve briefly considers eating the top of Allie’s head.

EDITOR’S NOTE: An intervention was staged for Steve at Elimination Station, and was whisked to AA.

– And there goes a team that was invisible for six rounds, but given plenty of airtime in their final two rounds. They should lose their luggage and turn into Porky Pig more often.

Next Time on TAR: In Singapore, Dan & Jordan tempt their fear of heights. And find out what Brent & Caite do that sets off Carol & Brandy.

Yes, an episode primarily about Brent & Caite and Carol & Brandy again. Lovely.

There is one thing left out of the previews, though.
taipei allan wu 4
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the Wuter!

Number of Episodes Where a Team is Specifically Mentioned in the Next Time On. . . Segment

CAROL & BRANDY: 3
JET & CORD: 3
DAN & JORDAN: 2
BRENT & CAITE: 3

CONFESSIONAL COUNT

BRENT.CAITE 3.3
CAROL.BRANDY 1.0
JET.CORD 9.7
DAN.JORDAN 5.2
MICHAEL.LOUIE 7.3
STEVE.ALLIE 6.3

Team Averages

Below is a list of all teams from seasons I have blogged to date, ranked by racing average.

e.g. Don & Mary Jean finished 9th, 8th, 8th, 8th, and 8th. Add up the numbers and divide it by the number of legs they have played.

Therefore their average is 8.2.

Bulls— Round One/Starting Line Eliminations
Eric & Lisa N/A
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A

— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0 TAR 4
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0 TAR 3
11th Adrian & Dana 11.0 TAR 16
11th Preston & Jennifer 11.0 TAR 14
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0 TAR 13
11th Ari & Staella 11.0 TAR 12
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0 TAR 11
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0 TAR 10
11th John & Scott 11.0 TAR 9
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0 TAR 7
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0 TAR 6
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0 TAR 5
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0 TAR 2
11th Matt & Ana 11.0 TAR 1
10th Edwin & Monica 10.0 Only team to finish last for the first two rounds of the race TAR Asia 3
10th Jody & Shannon 10.0 TAR Adventure 16
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0 TAR 9
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0 TAR 11
10th Neena & Amit 10.0 TAR Asia 3
10th A Black Family 10.0 TAR 8
— F +–
10th Steve & Linda 9.4 TAR 14
10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????) TAR 13
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.) TAR 7
11th Garrett & Jessica 9.5 TAR 15
10th Kate & Pat 9.0 TAR 12
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0 TAR 11
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0 May or may not be gutsy. TAR 2
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0 TAR 6
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF TAR 3
9th Marianna & Julia 8.33 TAR 12
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33 TAR 4
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2 Saved by NEL once TAR 6
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0 TAR 10
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0 TAR 1
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8 Yielded TAR 9
8th Marisa & Brooke 7.75 Sucked. TAR 13
7th Mika & Canaan 7.67  Why the heck did they sign up? TAR 15
9th Marcy & Ron 7.67 Bald. TAR 15
9th Isaac & William 7.5 TAR Asia 3
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33 TAR 5
8th Aiello Family 7.0 TAR 8
8th Singaporean Sophie & French Born Aurelia 7.0 (French Born Aurelia sadly does not know the English words for ‘team averages’. :/) TAR Asia 2
–D minus–
8th Tom & Terry 7.0 TAR 10
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0 R.I.P. Margaretta TAR 1
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0 Producers refused to hay bail them. TAR 6
10th Hope & Norm 7.0 TAR 2
7th Christie & Jodi 6.67 Saved by NEL–Became the Devil of Casting Later TAR 14
9th Brad & Victoria 6.67 TAR 14
7th Niroo & Kapil 6.75 TAR Asia 3
6th Maria & Tiffany 6.57 Saved by NEL once and Justin’s blunder again TAR 15
9th Rogers Family 6.5 R.I.P. Renee. TAR 8
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5 TAR 7
6th Henry & Terri 6.44 Used Their Yield; saved by a non-elimination round THREE times. R.I.P. Henry. TAR Asia 2
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43 Saved by NEL once TAR 1
9th Brett & Kinar 6.33 Rocky finish. TAR Asia 2
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 6.33 TAR Asia 1
8th Pailin & Natalie 6.33 TAR Asia 3
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25 TAR 9
7th Aja & Cabbie 6.2 TAR 13
7th Paul & Amie 6.2 TAR 1
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF TAR 4
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF Saved by NEL once TAR 10
–D+–
8th Lance & Keri 6.0 TAR 15
9th Zev & Justin 6.0 Passport lost. TAR 15
10th Ernie & Jeena 6.0 TAR Asia 1
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0 TAR 4
6th Andre & Damon 5.86 TAR 3
7th Daichi & Sawaka 5.83 TAR Asia 2
7th Dave & Lori 5.83 Saved by NEL once TAR 9
5th Kami & Karli 5.8 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8 TAR 3
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8 TAR 2
7th Shana & Jennifer 5.8 Used U-Turn TAR 12
9th Heather & Eve 5.75 Legal team beaten by rule book. TAR 3
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67 R.I.P. Nancy. Saved by NEL once. TAR 1
7th Jeff & Jordan 5.67. Saved by a stupid Blind U-Turn once but dead next day. TAR 16
6th Gaghan Family 5.5 TAR 8
10th Alison & Donny 5.5 TAR 5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF TAR 4
8th Sahil & Prashant 5.4 FF. Beaten by a bunch of rules. TAR Asia 1
–C minus–
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36 Saved by NEL twice TAR 7
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF TAR 4
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33 TAR 5
9th Monique & Shawne 5.33 TAR 16. Praise Jesus.
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33 TAR 7
7th Gus & Hera 5.29 TAR 6
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25 Saved by NEL once TAR 11
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25 TAR 5
8th Lorena & Jason 5.25 U-Turned TAR 12
5th Mark & Michael 5.22 Saved by NEL once but came up just short TAR 14
3rd Andrew & Dan 5.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 13
7th Silver & Gold/ Wil & Grace 5.17 TAR 3
6th Kelly & Christy 5.14 TAR 13
7th Ray & Deana 5.0 FF TAR 7
7th Melody & Sharon 5.0. Screwed over by weird penalty for another team. TAR Asia 1
9th Steve & Josh 5.0  FF TAR 4
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0  FF TAR 1
9th Mark & Bill 5.0  Wah. TAR 13
5th Fran & Barry 4.89 TAR 9
6th Howard & Sahran 4.88 TAR Asia 1
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85 – Yielded TAR 10
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF and saved by NEL once TAR 3
6th Mai & Oliver 4.8 In a car TAR Asia 3
7th Teri & Ian All Stars 4.83 TAR 11
7th Schroeder Family 4.75 TAR 8
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71 – Used Yield TAR 9
6th Brian & Greg 4.71 TAR 7
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70 TAR 10
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF and Used Yield and Yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 6
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67 TAR 10
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 6
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF TAR 3
8th Kris & Jo–er, Amanda 4.50 U-Turned TAR 14
5th Paula & Natasha 4.45 saved by NEL once TAR Asia 2
5th Uchenna & Joyce All Stars 4.33 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 11
8th Joe & Heidi 4.40 – Blind U-Turned with Injured Knee; TAR 16
4th Kisha & Jen 4.27 Saved by NEL once, U-Turned once TAR 14
3rd Brian & Ericka 4.25 saved by NEL once TAR 15
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF TAR 2
–B minus–
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23 saved by NEL once TAR 9
5th Gary & Matt 4.22 saved by NEL once and c—blocked once in Saunabuss TAR 15
3rd Nicolas & Donald 4.18 FF and U-Turned TAR 12
4th Linda & Karen 4.17 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
3rd Charla & Mirna All Stars 4.15 TAR 11
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.) TAR 2
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF and Used Yield TAR 8
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11 TAR 7
5th Andy & Laura 4.00 – Yielded TAR Asia 1
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF, saved by NEL, grew goatees TAR 4
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 2
2nd Jaime & Cara 3.92 TAR 14
2nd Pamela & Vanessa 3.92 TAR Asia 2
4th A.D. & Fuzzie 3.90 – U-Turned and saved by NEL once TAR Asia 3
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF TAR 2
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85 Saved by NEL twice TAR 4
1st Zabrina & Joe Jer 3.77 saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
2nd Sandy & Francesca 3.77 – Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
4th Diane & Ann 3.75 – Yielded TAR Asia 2
4th Jon & Al 3.73 TAR 4
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71 TAR 5
–B+–
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 2
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF TAR 4
5th Kynt & Vyxsin 3.63 Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 12
1st Eric & Danielle All Stars 3.62 – Yielded Twice, saved by NEL once TAR 11
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF, saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
6th Mel & Mike 3.57 TAR 14
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56 TAR 6
3rd Ida & Tania 3.54 Saved by NEL twice TAR Asia 3
4th Joseph & Monica 3.50 – Yielded TAR 9
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46 TAR Asia 1
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46 – Used Yield and Yielded TAR 6
2nd Ronald & Christina 3.45 TAR 12
4th Nathan & Jennifer 3.40 – Never finished in 1st TAR 12
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 2
1st Chip & Kim 3.38 – Used Yield TAR 5
6th Steve & Allie 3.38 – TAR 16, and ain’t got no clothes.
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF TAR 1
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
5th Terence & Sarah 3.25 TAR 13
1st TK & Rachel 3.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 12
4th Godlewski Family 3.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 8
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17 – Used Yield, saved by NEL once
–A minus–
2nd Sam & Dan 3.17 U-Turned Pointlessly TAR 15
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17 TAR 10
3rd Weaver Family 3.15 – Yielded Twice, saved by NEL twice TAR 8
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF TAR 4
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 7
4th Toni & Dallas 3.10 Still in Russia TAR 13
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF TAR 3
2nd Geoff 26 & Tisha 31  3.09 Used Yield and U-Turn TAR Asia 3
4th Herb & Nate a.k.a. Flight Time & Big Easy 3.09 TAR 15. Znarf!
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF TAR 10
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00 – Yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 7
6th Azaria & Hendekea 3.00 TAR 12
4th Hayden & Aaron Saved by NEL once 2.92 TAR 6
2nd Dustin & Kandice All Stars 2.92 – Used Yield TAR 10
2nd Bransen Family Saved by NEL once 2.85 TAR 8
1st Linz Family 2.77 – Used Yield TAR 8
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 1
–BEST OF THE BEST–
3rd Margie & Luke 2.75 Used U-Turn once TAR 14
5th Henry & Bernie/Bunn-Eh 2.75 – Yielded TAR Asia 3
8th Rob & Amber All Stars 2.75 – Used Yield, Choked TAR 11
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 3
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF TAR 3
4th Oswald & Danny All Stars 2.67 FF x2, Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 11
2nd Ken & Tina 2.64 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 13
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF, Yielded, and saved by NEL once TAR 5
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF TAR 2
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF TAR 1
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF, Used Yield, and saved by NEL twice TAR 9
1st Vince & Sam 2.45 FF TAR Asia 3
1st Nick & Starr 2.45 FF TAR 13
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF TAR 10
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF TAR 1
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38 TAR 6
1st Tammy & Victor 2.33 Used U-Turn Once TAR 14
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31 TAR 7
1st Adrian & Collin 2.23 FF TAR Asia 2
1st Meghan & Cheyne 2.00 FF TAR 15
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF TAR 9
lol 3rd Marc & Rovilson 1.46 Used Yield and Yielded TAR Asia 2

Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)

11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 10 + 11
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 3 + 11
18 legs Danielle 4.78 yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
19 legs Teri & Ian 4.63 FF TAR 3 + 11
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF TAR 1 + 11
20 legs Charla & Mirna 4.00 TAR 5 + 11
21 legs Joe & Bill 3.71 FF, saved by NEL thrice TAR 1 + 11
22 legs Uchenna & Joyce 3.64 FF x2, saved by NEL twice TAR 7 + 11
*31 legs Eric & Danielle 3.48 FF, yielded x3, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
23 legs Oswald & Danny 3.30 FF x3, used Yield, saved by NEL twice TAR 2 + 11
25 legs Dustin & Kandice 3.04 used Yield twice, saved by NEL once TAR 10 + 11
26 legs Eric 2.65 FF, yielded x2, saved by NEL once  TAR 9 + 11
17 legs Rob & Amber 2.41 Used Yield TAR 7 + 11

* I determined Eric & Danielle’s average in this last section by adding up all of their individual points from TAR 9, then adding up their total points in All Stars and dividing it by 31.

Rank the Teams

1) Joe & Heidi

A middle-aged Asian couple on The Amazing Race who love to compete and are nice people in general? Not only are they trash-talking a bit, but they can back it up a bit by finishing near the top in each of the first four legs?

This is a team that deserved a better way of being eliminated. Jon Gosse–dammit, I mean Joe Wang! Joe and Heidi really should not have been a team that is overall a footnote in TAR history. Being stuck as the only team -forced- to do an impossible Detour option while a team ten hours passes them was tough to see unfold. It showed us how imbalanced the design of the leg happened to be.

I will forever be amused that their guess of “The war is over” was incorrect after five hours versus the correct answer of “We will prevail. Viva La France”.

Okay, I loved the unintentional humour involving their last name. Particularly when Joe got hit in the groin by a llama or falling off a horse and onto his groin. Only reality TV editors dig that low standard of comedy.

Joe & Heidi were by no means the Golden Parent team of TAR 16. They did allow the “Mean Lesbians” Carol & Brandy to cut in front of several teams in the second round. Nearly every team was already hating Carol & Brandy except for the Rhode Island Rattlesnake Dan Pious. This incident combined with their high finishes is 99% of what led to their U-Turn by Michael & Louie who were most affected by the Chilean Line Cut.

Now to the knee injury suffered during the jump with Steve & Allie. Joe was truly crippled by this. I have stated it about twenty times in these two episodes, but I can guarantee you that after going through trenches that Joe would have to withdraw and forfeit by the end of the following round. His knee looked ruined when exited the trench. I cannot imagine him being able to walk to a route marker, walk some more, and ride a bicycle for a few miles without causing severe pain.

If there was any team with unfinished business from TAR 16, Joe & Heidi would be your peeps.

P.S. Joe & Heidi would have been a satisfying elimination for the viewers if not for them teaming up with Steve & Allie in the past two rounds.

P.P.S. Where are Steve & Allie? Seriously? This is getting ridiculous.

2) Steve & Allie

TAR 16 was truly TAR’s counterpart to Survivor: Samoa in terms of editing. Ninety percent of Steve & Allie’s airtime would come in rounds seven and eight. The first six rounds was just two second clips of Steve’s alcoholism and Mama Smith’s duct tape obsession.

I was willing to rank Monique & Shawne low because they seemed like such bores who had nothing to talk about except Jesus and being mothers.

Steve & Allie had much more substance, and were a rare father-daughter combination who could kick butt on the race. Between TAR 12, 16, and 17, this would become the norm. Never ever thought that would happen.

They were likeable. What was disappointing is that their lack of airtime came about because they refused to diss other teams, and could not care less about Jeff & Jordan and Brent & Caite.

Heck, Michael & Louie hated Joe & Heidi but could not justify betraying their closest allies Steve & Allie. That is how much teams liked them. And in a season where everybody hates everybody, and the only true alliance is between Michael & Louie and Brent & Caite, it means people will have little to say about you.

They recovered from most events during the season and finished second place numerous times during the season. Once they exited Europe, their race took two odd turns.

The first, their narrative was given much more airtime.
The second, they would be at both the front and back of the pack.

Speaking of packs, they were the first team to voluntarily abandon their backpacks for multiple rounds. This sacrifice came with a huge reward for winning the Seychelles leg. Even if they ain’t got no clothes.

Sorry Mark Jackson.

In their final round, we saw signs of anger from Steve & Allie. Frustration with each other. Let’s just say their judgment became very clouded when stressed, and led to them losing the leg by a large margin. They exited their cab in traffic and chose to run for a half hour to the wrong location. From there they would switch Detour options, Steve & Allie giving the taxi driver mixed signals, and ultimately going home.

Their legacy holds up after all these years. Enough fans wanted them back for TAR 18: Unfinished Business, but they would be 1up’d by another religious father-daughter team just one season later.

And sadly there was an even more competitive father-daughter team who made it to the end by being extremely entertaining in TAR 12. If only TAR 18 would have allowed three father-daughter teams.

Yes, I am repeating myself here. A kind, generous, funny, competitive and interesting team that deserved more praise by the editors.

A populated Asian city was simply too much for them to handle late in the season.

3) Jody & Shannon

Shannon may be one of the blandest people to ever be on The Amazing Race. I can honestly not recall a single word Shannon said in either of the two episodes. Her personality is as thin as her body.

Clearly, that is not why this team was cast.

After this season we only have one older team that comes to mind. Here in TAR 16 we are granted the oldest exception for the franchise as Jody Kelly runs the race at seventy-one. She competed in rowing, triathlons, half marathons, and does weight training on the side.

Sure, she would get beaten by TAR Ukraine’s Vladimir Valisenko by one year at the age of 72, but hey, did anyone follow TAR Ukraine? There was a season in 2013, but why wasn’t there one in 2014?

Jody also happened to be one of the most eloquent confessionalists in series history. There has never been a person in reality TV history who speaks more clearly and coherently than her. She needs to be given major props for that.

These two could have survived longer if they wished to do so, but there was zero competitive fire. It is like they chose not to race hard because they were afraid of hurting the other team’s feelings. If Adrian was able to get across that cable, Jody & Shannon would have slowed down like an adult racing their five year old niece.

Sadly, their inability to preserve a second-to-last place is what prevented them from making a reasonable run. They were certainly capable of it. Plenty of teams would have helped them if Jody & Shannon were willing to fight harder to stay in.

Instead Jeff Schroeder helps middle-aged males in physical shape get out of last place and ultimately beat Jody & Shannon by about five to ten minutes. Seriously Jeff, you must have known Jody & Shannon were in last. You really didn’t want to take the time to ignore Michael & Louie?

Just imagine a world where Michael & Louie, a team who proclaimed they would win all twelve legs, get eliminated by a 71 year old in the second round of the race following a ninth place finish in the premiere.

But that was not Jody & Shannon’s goal. They just wanted an adventure rather than a competition. Complete your run rather than win the run. This decision results in a very predictable finish for them.

We need somebody in their 70s who truly believes they can win The Amazing Race. That is what we need to see.

If only they fought for a better bus.

4) Jeff & Jordan

Jeff & Jordan benefited from a reality show where they have dumb opponents and twists that are rigged heavily in their favour. Coup D’etat? Porsche’s Pandora’s Box? It led to two of them finishing in the top five in BB11 as well as Jordan winning, and both making a deep run into BB13.

But The Amazing Race where Allison Grodner is not around to intervene? In the last three rounds that they play there is not a single equalizer. Perhaps an unprecedented stretch for TAR since the very first season. Jeff & Jordan are forced to play on the same level playing field as everyone else.

Yes, there was the Blind U-Turn, but that was not really biased against another team. Just an element of the race.

Bottom line: Jeff & Jordan had to play on an even playing field, and seemed to fall further and further behind with each subsequent round. The only time they did really well during the season was in the beginning when it was equalizer galore right before the Adrian Must Die Before You Can Paint a House and Win task.

After that they misread clues as much as Brent & Caite, find an early bus but fail to transfer to the correct bus station, get inside of taxis that take them to another continent, and just be slow to figuring out every single task thrown at them.

They hogged the airtime for the first 2 1/2 rounds, but their edit drops down for the next 3 1/2 rounds. Phil agrees they are underdogs at the end of fourth round when Jeff & Jordan are saved by non-elimination. So they become quiet underdogs who must rally, and get served with three episodes where they quietly start two to five hours after everyone else at the pit start to try and survive.

1. Get taken out of Hamburg by a taxi driver, fail at sauerkraut and switch as they are absolute dead last. Not eliminated thanks to a non-elimination.

2. Absolutely struggle with finding the baguette shop and Jordan not knowing how to crawl in a field. Joe & Heidi are screwed by a Blind U-Turn, and Jeff & Jordan are still hours and hours behind everyone else.

3. An equalizer has yet to be scheduled and they have built up such a deficit that it was impossible for them to catch up. Finally eliminated at the halfway point of the season.

Was it lazy casting to make Jeff & Jordan play? Yeah. CBS was trying very very hard to make them the new Rob & Amber. A couple who fell in love on one of their shows and find a big enough audience willing to be obsessed with them.

July-September 2009: Big Brother 11.
November-December 2009: The Amazing Race 13.
June 2010: Jeff Schroeder on Around the World for Free.
July-September 2011: Big Brother 13.
2012-2014: Jeff Schroeder hosting exit interviews for Big Brother.
August 2014: Jeff Schroeder proposing to Jordan Lloyd inside of the Big Brother 16 House.
September-December 2014: Jeff Schroeder conducting the Survivor: San Juan Del Sur live show.

If you asked me after Big Brother 13 that Jeff Schroeder would still be a big deal in the reality TV community, I would have not believed you. I thought the ship had long sailed. Their BB13 appearance reeked of desperation, but did have a fanbase. It should have been over after that. Even Boston Rob is done in early 2011 as well thanks to winning Redemption Island.

Will either of them be a contestant on Big Brother, TAR, or Survivor again? No. Jeff is practically a full time employee for CBS now. People like him, Parvati, Dr. Will, and Boston Rob definitely fill that role of those who are above reality TV and wish to be creating material behind the camera rather than in front of it.

In short, Jeff & Jordan’s personalities do not interact well outside of the Big Brother/trashier reality TV genre.

5) Adrian & Dana

She, uh. . .should have done the Roadblock.

6) Monique & Shawne

Monique & Shawne may be the most religious team I have seen on The Amazing Race since The Weaver Family. They were shown a little bit in the premiere where all they did was talk about Jesus. It is one thing for teams to be religious on The Amazing Race, but if it is incorporated into every action they take or every confessional where they speak, you are essentially giving editors zero footage to use.

Nobody wants to watch a show called The Amazing Sermon.

Them being invisible was not surprising because of this. It makes for rather boring television, and you wonder what was dynamic enough to put them on the race.

The other annoying thing about this team is that Monique did not physically prepare herself for the race, and producers were willing to cast her. Her and Shawne were both fatigued just three rounds into the game. You cannot fault Monique & Shawne for this, but rather producers should be ashamed for green-lighting a middle-aged all-female team who were out of shape.

Lastly, their early elimination qualifies them for being one of the least memorable minority teams in The Amazing Race history.

P.S. And they were the only obstacle to prevent Michael & Louie from suffering the biggest humiliation in The Amazing Race history. Boo.

Rank the Legs

1) San Carlos de Bariloche, Argentina -> Hamburg, Germany

Although it was edited out, the eight remaining teams were split amongst three different flights to Hamburg. Once they landed, they were given further choice by choosing between taxis, metro trains, and walking on foot to each route marker.

Freedom of choice in transportation is what all viewers miss in the TAR universe. Nobody wants to see a linear leg.

The teams were evenly divided between doing the Soccer and Sauerkraut Detour options. It is refreshing to see after an era of everybody completing the same dang option.

I also liked that the pit stop was in the Red Light District. Not every monument in existence is on the perimeter of the city in some fairy tale like landscape. They can be bars or clubs in questionable areas.

However, this round has some faults. The one-time return of the Intersection in the US franchise appeared pointless at best. Watching only one team check out of the pit stop, who also happen to be the stars of the season, really keeps many of the other teams hidden from the viewer.

Watching teams physically drained such as Joe’s knee injury and Caite’s hamstrings prove that the TAR experience is legitimate.

Watching Das Boot from Beerfest directly inspire a task was hilarious. I also appreciated a team being at the bottom of the pack in Nowheresville climbing to a first place finish was a breath of fresh air. Regardless of it being Michael & Louie, seeing a change of pace of “One Team Dominates All” since TAR 13 was good to see.

Yes, there is controversy surrounding the round finishing in the first Round of 8 non-elimination since TAR 6, and the fact it happened to save one of three teams production favoured going into the season.

This is by far the best leg design after four rounds. That is rare for a non-elimination round to beat out the first three elimination rounds.

Lastly, Vomiting Brent and Alcoholic Steve.

2) Reims, France -> Praslin, The Seychelles

The best point in most TAR seasons is when they head to a new continent after spending half of the season in the previous continent.

Not only do we get that this round, but also a brand new country added to the TAR franchise catalogue!

The Seychelles had a really neat Detour as teams chose between playing with a 100 year old tortoise by leading it on with a banana, or relying on an ox cart to transport 299 or 300 coconuts.

Memorable moments such as Steve & Allie choosing to race without their backpacks to pick up TAR’s ridiculous 7, 000 dollars + 7Up 4 L7FE prize, the trailing three teams moving to the front because they chose seats closest to the front of the plane, and Brent’s anonymous mishap.

Oh, and the Cowboys finishing last because they failed to remember to do anything this round.

I was disappointed with how easy it was for teams to find the pit stop. Or how easy it was to retrieve the bottle during the Roadblock. Or how easy it was to assemble that map. They could have done so much more with The Seychelles, but turned it into an overall rather quick and lame leg. I swear it took no more than 4-7 hours to complete the leg once in the country.

3) Praslin, Seychelles -> Penang, Malaysia

Main story of the round: Cowboys comeback from being in dead last once the plane landed and needing to complete their Speed Bump, and do so by winning the leg in a dominant fashion. The first team ever to complete this feat.

Other developments included Michael & Louie and Brent & Caite agreeing to U-Turn Carol & Brandy at the next opportunity. Michael also loaned Steve some desperately needed underpants.

I always enjoy the first Asian leg of a season (if it is not in China or India) because I love to see teams try and handle a densely populated Asian city. It is far different from the resort legs or European legs. Some teams can absolutely crumble under the heat, pressure, language barrier, population density, and knowing the million dollars is only a week away.

Steve & Allie were that team. The lighter load by not having their backpacks meant nothing as each task and each form of transportation was a struggle. What was once the strongest team in the race turned into a Porky Pig-like disaster.

The tasks were fine. I particularly liked the one Detour option where teams had to balance those huge flags on their nose in a Jon & Al tribute. Jet & Cord smoked it, and all other teams were too afraid to attempt it. They chose a long and gruelling steep incense candle transport task. The heat was killing them.

The Roadblock was a neat cultural task. Not memorable nor particularly difficult, but one of these neat ritual tasks that need to be sprinkled throughout each season.

Making teams take off their shoes beside a phone booth was a bit amusing. Why a specific phone booth?

Carol & Brandy were not referred to as “mean” as frequently this round. They certainly were in a much better mood.

But OMGz, did you see Jet & Cord win the leg after still having to do that Speed Bump? OMG I ❤ MY COWBOYS <3333333333333333!!!!11111ONE.

4) Les Monthairons, France -> Reims, France

What? No bus tickets? No being automatically sent to a route marker with other teams on a form of private transit arranged by production during the pit stop? This leg started from the pit stop and teams were completely on their own until the end of the leg.

Not a Non-Elimination. No equalizers. No taxis. It is all you from the time you check out to the time you check in.

What was great about this round is that we were finally introduced to Steve & Allie for the first time all season. Steve’s subtle alcoholism from round four was re-visited here in the champagne region. Seeing him fix a car with duct tape could not have been more Red Green.

Also, his uncorking skills are questionable.

I thoroughly enjoyed the comedy throughout the leg. The teams from the bible belt mixed up Noah with Joan of Arc. That was both hilarious and depressing. Is the American educational system really that bad?

The mime at the pit stop was creative. It seems pit stop greeters and judges have had wackier personalities of their own ever since TAR 12. Just a direction TAR has gone.

I liked Santa Claus helping teams enter the wine cellar at the Roadblock. Speaking of the Roadblock, that was the lamest part of the episode. It was the longest needle in a tiny haystack which made the task not only dumb like other needles in haystacks but pointless as well. The sabre wine uncorking did not have to be performed with any finesse which should have been made a TAR Canada-esque “you are not done until you do it in proper form”.

What if teams had to go into the hole, grab another bottle, and climb back up after each time they failed with sabreing the champagne cork? That would have been a much more compelling task.

The route markers mixing up their names with places in other cities helped make the day much tougher.

Producers finally tricked teams by having the needle-in-a-haystack task (searching for grapes) be much much tougher than the skill task. I personally wish the grape searching be replaced with brutal wine stomping or some exercise to match how awesome the wine tower pouring played out. I can watch a tower of 680 champagne glasses be on the brink of destruction all day.

Watching teams look for a vine of grapes? Not so much.

In short, the tasks were lame except for the champagne tower. The actual driving aspect and finding the route markers was much more intriguing.

Oh, and Jeff & Jordan were eliminated. Now we just need to eliminate Jet & Cord, Carol & Brandy, Michael & Louie, and Brent & Caite all before the Final Three.

5) Valparaiso, Chile -> Puerto Varas, Chile

The “most gruelling season ever” takes a huge step down in difficulty for this round.

Perhaps the biggest obstacle was for the racers to see Jeff & Jordan every twenty seconds. We did not see any of the other nine teams check out of the pit stop. The only drama with them was missing both buses in Temuco, but still being in the middle of the pack for the whole round.

The other obstacle was hearing the City Slickers theme repeatedly as Jet & Cord utter the phrase “oh my gravy” four times. Lone Rangers was uttered three times. References to their hat protectors was out of hand, too. Their sneaky little tactic to be the first bus into town  is when they were the most popular team in TAR at the time.

The initial route marker of making teams two or more buses along with taking a car and a boat was one of the best in TAR history.

However, the tasks and driving to subsequent route markers were very quick. Jump off a pier or put a blanket on a llama? Go around a barn collecting eggs, flour, and milk a cow? Then drive straight for twenty minutes to the pit stop? That is really easy stuff.

I could watch teams get kicked in the body by llamas and cows on repeat. That was the only upside to it.

In short, the five different options teams took to get to the first route markers was great. After that it was ultra easy and simplified. A bit of a letdown, really.

Screw you Jeff Schroeder for helping Michael & Louie to get out of last place to beat Jody & Shannon. If only Jody & Shannon knew to buy tickets for a connecting bus as well.

6) Puerto Varas, Chile -> San Carlos de Bariloche, Argentina

Teams are provided with bus tickets at the start of the leg? Wow. That takes a huge part of the adventure away from the show.

Once in Argentina, Jet & Cord were treated to an episode all to themselves because the entire round was a freakin’ cowboy theme. Not since Family Edition have we seen such an extreme cowboy theme at play.

The first task was one hundred percent luck as teams sat in a chair waiting for their clue. All we saw was the dealer giving cards to a team and cards to a GNOME in a poker game. If a team beat the gnome, they received their clue. Some teams were unaware when their hand was better.

Once they had the clue, teams walked one hundred feet to the Roadblock task. They appeared to take anywhere between one minute to twenty minutes at the task.

When that was done they drove a short distance to a set of cliffs where the Detour awaited. This was the only challenging task of the round (unless you were Shawne). They had to choose between counting out steps on a coordinate, dig up a bag, and bring it to the train station or taking swings at a ball and getting it past a certain distance within nine shots.

The number of teams switching from the bag bandit task to the polo task must have been a TAR record for a Detour. In fact, Monique & Shawne switched from the polo task to the bag bandit task. Only Jeff & Jordan and Steve & Allie did not switch out of all nine teams.

Steve rolling in mud, Big Joe Wang falling off a fake horse, Monique exhausted from doing nothing, and Michael & Louie completing the Detour for another team were all hilarious moments.

Also, Michael & Louie have an average of 8.67 after three rounds. Only 7.67 points off the pace for being the best of all time.

And did anyone think it was a bit unfair that Brent & Caite were treated and given care for over three hours as they had plenty of time to catch a bus? Sure, Brent was terrible at directions and only a lasso saved him as Caite demonstrated her stick shift skills, but you can’t help but wonder what Monique & Shawne could have done with a bit of treatment.

Do you remember where you were when Monique & Shawne were eliminated? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

7) Los Angeles, California, USA -> Valparaiso, Chile

Compared to TAR 15’s premiere, this one is ten times better.

But compared to virtually any other premiere, this one is probably sub-par. One hour premieres with eleven teams are truly rushed.

Phil starts out the season with the dreaded “toughest season ever” tagline that we know all too well from TAR Asia 3. However, TAR Asia 3 nearly lived up to that tagline. TAR 16’s premiere? Not so much.

First off, teams were brought in on the same bus. Next? They had to get to LAX using public transit. Therefore, this was the cheapest ride to the airport in TAR history, and obviously meant that several teams would get to the airport simultaneously.

Another pointless twist was that only three teams would be on the first flight, and eight teams on the second flight. That makes zero sense because you are at much more of a disadvantage if eight teams are on the first flight, and only three teams on the second flight. If the first flight suffers any sort of delay, they will be at the biggest disadvantage of all.

And guess what? The first flight was delayed, and all eleven teams were forced to be on the second flight! This is the first time in TAR history that all teams left the United States on the same flight. I can’t get over that.

Thankfully the rest of the stupidity lies with the contestants. Jet & Cord exchanging money for a currency that has nothing to do with Chile, Adrian doing the Roadblock instead of Dana, Brent & Caite refusing to read, Jordan Lloyd beating everyone, Steve & Allie painting the inside of a stranger’s house, and Michael & Louie humiliating themselves.

There was an unaired route marker prior to arriving in Valparaiso. I guess a neat castle was too much for 42 minutes. Instead we needed to listen to Jeff Schroeder’s commentary and laugh at Adrian in the process.

Dana & Adrian were heavy favourites entering the season because not only were they superfans, but viewers thought they would be like Chip & Kim or Uchenna & Joyce. I know. That’s a disturbing way of thinking.

They led most of the way until Adrian decided to do the Roadblock. The first hurdle of the season and they were nowhere close to achieving it. I personally think Dana & Adrian were doomed to go early despite this blunder. Adrian and Dana both sounded fatigued even before the Roadblock. I think him or Dana would have experienced a serious injury within the first couple of legs. They would not have held up physically for twelve legs.

So far “toughest race ever” is proving to be “least expensive race ever” after the premiere.

8) Hamburg, Germany -> Les Monthairons, France

What were producers trying to accomplish with this round? Every team stayed in the exact same position except for Joe & Heidi who suffered a Blind U-Turn.

Why did teams need to be driven to the pit start across two countries? Couldn’t they just have allowed teams to check out in Hamburg (even outside of the Red Light District for safety reasons), and make them drive across into France? The legs where teams have to self-drive for several hours show teams who have a good sense of direction versus those who do not.

This leg was perhaps the first post-premiere leg in any season to not have a Roadblock. They started out by driving about a half hour to the baguette shop. From there it was a WWI re-enactment in a spot with a Speed Bump, U-Turn, and a Detour combined. From there they walked for roughly ten to twenty minutes to a bicycle task which was a fifteen bike ride from the pit stop.

In other words, it was an extremely short leg. What was worse is that all teams chose a Detour option that was ten times easier than the other (trench crawl versus Morse code). The Morse code task was difficult enough that all teams in franchise history would have struggled for several hours except for Jim & Misti.

What was worse about this leg is that the previous round was a non-elimination but this round was not. In other words, a Speed Bump meant nothing unless you were the one U-Turned and forced to do the Morse code.

It is painful that Louie & Michael thought eliminating a team who was well on their way to a medical evacuation was a team needed for immediate ejection. Did you not see how much ice Joe needed? The guy was going to be stopped very soon. Gus McCleod from TAR 6 could have moved faster than him.

So pissed. This leg could have been so much more rather than an ultra linear 42 minute World War 1 re-enactment while teams do not know which war it is and having to sit through listening to Jeff & Jordan, Brent & Caite, and Brandy.

Although I did appreciate a break from Jet & Cord. Thank God.

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