“She Sells Seashells in The Seychelles Nowhere Near Sea Schloss Ort”
CHILE – ARGENTINA – GERMANY – FRANCE – THE SEYCHELLES – MALAYSIA – SINGAPORE – CHINA – UNITED STATES
Previously on TAR: Seven teams raced through the Champagne region of France. At the Detour, Dan & Jordan remained calm under pressure (while Lawrence of Arabia music plays). But Brent & Caite crumbled. Michael’s eagle eyes gave the detectives their third win in a row.
While Jordan & Jeff lost their balance, and couldn’t recover. Wow, Phil does not know how to construct a sentence.
Six teams remain; who will be eliminated next?
Number of Episodes Where a Team is Specifically Mentioned in the Previously On. . . Segment
JET & CORD: 2
BRENT & CAITE: 3
HEIDI & JOE: 3
JODY & SHANNON: 1
DAN & JORDAN: 3
JEFF & JORDAN: 4
DANA & ADRIAN: 1
CAROL & BRANDY: 2
MONIQUE & SHAWNE: 1
LOUIE & MICHAEL: 3
STEVE & ALLIE: 0
– Intro time.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Two non-elimination legs must occur in the next four rounds. That means these six teams are the teams which will go down as being remembered once the season is over. They are the core of the season. Unless a team receives a really small edit once NELs become a regular thing, this is how you can always determine the core that the casual audience will judge in the future.
– Phil introduces us to the Champagne region. So much alcohol. Too bad teams are sequestered because otherwise Steve drinking around other teams would have been a hoot.
– Louie & Michael, who arrived at an unspecified time, will depart first at 12:35am.
MICHAEL: Fly to the island of Mahe in the. . .Say Chilis?
– It is a chain of only 115 islands. Because it is remote, exotic, and thousands of kilometres away, teams will be traveling on the same flight.
In other words, Louie & Michael’s three-round advantage without an equalizer is now gone.
– Once teams land in Mahe, they must find a marked kiosk, grab a number along with their clue.
– Louie says they have been racing much smarter in the past three rounds compared to the first three rounds. They are paying more attention, and Louie is annoyed by Michael asking him to re-read the clue aloud.
MICHAEL: I put up with his snoring and he’s putting up with my ‘reading the clue reading the clue’. We’re getting along.
– At 1:28am, Carol & Brandy start in second. Wow, Michael & Louie did great last round despite being as low as third. Brandy teases us that she is putting on her swimsuit.
– 1:57am and it is time for Steve & Allie.
Why Steve wears a toque.
– Allie pronounces the country correctly but neither her nor her father have heard of it.
STEVE: I am a professional baseball coach. This is the closest you can get to being in the World Series. I love the adrenalin of it.
Please. No analogies that tie into your sporting profession.
– Jet & Cord start fourth at 2:36am.
JET: Where we off to today? Hopefully some place that speaks English. Fly to the Say-chilles.
Whatever you do, don’t hurt it.
– Cord figures out that it is an island. Jet hopes they do not have to drive there. Given their driving experiences in the past, that will come as a relief.
– Dan & Jordan begin at 3:36am. They wasted several hours on building their Bar Mitzvah Champagne Tower. You know you wasted a lot of time on a Detour option when Jet & Cord went to the wrong town three times but beat you by an hour due to picking the contrasting option.
This is why each leg almost always needs a Detour. Forcing teams to do two Roadblocks in a leg stops them from analyzing their clue and going with the best course of action.
JORDAN: Fly to the island of the Say-Chellays.
DAN: Where is that?
JORDAN: Never even heard of that.
– Jordan knows they must book it to the kiosk.
– Brent & Caite depart last at 4:36am. Both are frustrated by being cellar dwellers.
Just like Steve Smith who was not only a cellar dweller with the Philadelphia Philles, but also when he invaded wineries and drinking all of their wine by dwelling in the cellars.
– Brent says their lack of focus is killing them.
CAITE: You can really tell who were the bad kids in school.
BRENT: I wasn’t bad in school.
– CAITE: We’re all on the same flight. Even Steven from there.
Yep. Caite references her favourite show once again.
– Teams are at Charles de Gaulle airport.
– Jet & Cord and Michael & Louie go out to eat. Guess who takes the opportunity to pick their seats be closest to the front?
Oh my word. Brent & Caite pick seats for row seven.
Smarter not harder.
Superfan knowledge comes in handy.
Or not so much.
– Carol & Brandy are purchasing tickets.
How big of a plane do you need to visit The Seychelles?
– Brandy may be a complainer, but Carol tells her to chill after bringing up a reasonable point.
Wow. Point scored by Brandy.
– We now get the most diagonal flight path in TAR history.
Just travel in the straightest diagonal line halfway around the world from Paris and you will end up in The Seychelles! Screw northeast or southwest.
– Very Survivor: Marquesas fun-ish music plays for a second before intense racing music takes over. For some reason teams are in the domestic terminal. This is not explained. Three teams are still on the plane while the other three teams are running. Gee, I wonder which three teams will get to the kiosk first?
It’s about as much of a surprise as a Theory of a Deadman lyric referencing gasoline.
– The first three teams will now board a helicopter and travel to the island of La Digue. The remaining teams will depart one hour later. Once they arrive they will find their next clue.
In the meantime, Nate from Survivor: Cook Islands will prepare a fish for them.
– Carol & Brandy are still on the plane as a moustached man stands behind them.
– TAR 10 visited Madagascar and Mauritius (or More-it-e-us according to Dustin & Kandice). Now they are in The Seychelles, the only country left off of the Southeast Africa island country checklist is Comoros.
– Dan rips off the ‘3’ tag. Jordan reads the clue and understand how crucial that tag was. Jet & Cord are last to the tags. Suddenly we see helicopters in the Secyhellese/Seychellean skies.
– The top three teams get into helicopters. Unlike TAR 25’s season premiere, none of them have to share flights. We see “some sick views” as Brent would say.
– Steve & Allie now board a helicopter. The only things we know about them up to this point is that Steve was a baseball coach/recovering alcoholic, they are father/daughter, and Mrs. Smith believes duct tape fixes everything.
Did Allie just say that her dad and God experienced intercourse and that their offspring was The Seychelles?!
This is like finding out Bruce Willis was dead at the end of The Sixth Sense.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Yeah, subtitles really need to be checked before being integrated into an episode.
– In all seriousness, we now know Steve & Allie are a fairly religious team.
“You’re not the only religious team to be underedited during The Amazing Race 16!
– Come to think of it, this is a very religious cast in general. Jeff & Jordan, Brent & Caite, Monique & Shawne, Steve & Allie, Dan & Jordan, and Jet & Cord. You have far more religious players on TAR because TAR’s viewership is mostly Conservative.
– Jordan brags that a rainbow is following their helicopter.
The first LGBTQ member to board a helicopter and he is the first to be exposed to a rainbow.
Oddly enough, the rainbow is The Seychelles’ national flag.
– The trailing three teams sit in the tiny airport.
CAROL: The three strongest teams are in fourth, fifth, and sixth. I think Brent & Caite got lucky today.
My estimates suggest that the most humble team is in first, second, or third right now. I would say second.
I like how Carol had to specifically single out Brent & Caite. Yes, Dan & Jordan have been riding the bottom as much as Brent & Caite, but geez, Steve & Allie have finished first or second in five out of six legs. They are on paper doing far better than anyone else left in the race.
But guess what? Carol’s “the strongest are in fourth, fifth, and sixth” really have nothing to do with Dan & Jordan, and I bet she does not even know who Steve & Allie are yet. This is strictly a war with Brent & Caite.
And a war they shall get.
– The first helicopter lands. This is Brent & Caite’s first lead since the season premiere. They read that La Digue is over a thousand miles away from the nearest continent. Phil describes it as one of the most laid back places in the world.
At least Phil didn’t say ‘lazy’.
– Their choices?
Animal related tasks. Hooray. Speaking of Ox Trot, did you see Alfonso Ribeiro on Dancing With the Stars? I didn’t. I hope he didn’t do anything super cheesy on DWTS.
Alfonso Ribeiro, you son of a b—-.
– Okay, back to the Detour. This is the first of only three episodes I saw in TAR 16, and I was particularly invested into this one because it is the only leg of the season that involves a new country.
– PHIL: In Turtle Toddle, teams use a banana to lure a giant tortoise over a hundred years old and weighing about five hundred pounds across the lawn. Then teams grab a large bunch of bananas and carry them 1.5 miles to the harbour where the crew merchant will give them their next clue.
No wonder tortoises move slow. They are practically Methuselah and know their life will not end anytime soon.
– In Ox Trot, teams bring a cart to a clearing where they must load it up with all of their coconuts.
We swear we didn’t steal this from Survivor: Micronesia and Samoa!
– They are not allowed to lose any cargo. An ox will then be attached to the cart by the ox handler. The cart must be taken to the harbour and unloaded where the same fruit (not crew) merchant will hand them their next clue.
A lost coconut looks very much like a camel’s nose.
Who may or may not be related to Demetrious Mighty Mouse Johnson. The merchant is definitely happier.
– Brent & Caite head for the Ox Trot. They comment on the big load of coconuts. Steve & Allie’s helicopter lands probably a couple minutes later. Steve starts giving a lecture about Tortoise & The Hare. Maybe they will be in TAR 26.
STEVE: I’ve never met an ox that I can trust. Tortoises are cool, man.
I like how serious both of them are when Steve essentially puts on the purple bandana and sides with the Turtles against the Oxen like it is the Seychellois version of Bloods versus Crips.
Okay, women in pink dresses. Those dresses probably date back to the tortoise’s birth. But something else is there too.
There is even a guy playing the triangle. Who does he think he is?
– Steve starts dancing for the women when he walks by them.
The ring don’t mean a thing.
– Steve & Allie debate over which turtle to use. Apparently each team is allotted only one banana to use.
Those who are not picked by TAR teams will be forced to battle each other! Did you know that Tortoise Fighting is a popular underground sporting affair in The Seychelles?
– The third helicopter lands. Jordan wants to do the ox task. Dan does not care and agrees. Michael & Louie get into a helicopter several minutes later. Then Carol & Brandy. Then Jet & Cord. Their cowboy hats are not allowed inside.
Such pale foreheads.
– Brent & Caite keep tossing coconuts. Caite makes a toss.
There’s the shot. . .
And on the ground it lays.
– Brent & Caite think they are done and call in the ox handler to tie the ox to the cart.
The rope is a little tight around the face.
– Allie leads the tortoise with a banana. All she needs is a condom and it could finally receive a sex ed lesson after 100 years.
ALLIE: She’s hauling it!
A tortoise kicking it into high gear.
This tortoise loves bananas! B-A-NAN-A-S!
– Brent coaches Caite how to direct an ox.
BRENT: If we lead him into a tree, we’re going to flip. Get him over.
CAITE: Stop. I am trying. Dummy.
BRENT: You’re a dummy.
CAITE: You’re a dummy.
BRENT: You’re a friggin idiot.
CAITE: You’re a friggin idiot.
I cannot believe Brent is 28. Caite is 20. I swear both need that ‘2’ changed to a ‘1’.
– Steve & Allie have finished leading the tortoise across the lawn.
STEVE: It’s what her mom does to me all the time, but maybe she leads me with a beer or something.
Holy crap. Steve’s wife can only get him to do things if beer is a reward?
– Steve & Allie are walking with their bunches of bananas. Brent & Caite’s ox is as stubborn as a mule or Brent & Caite.
But not before Steve taunts the ox with bananas.
– The ox is grunting. Steve & Allie estimate the banana bunch weighs twenty pounds. Allie has to re-position the bunch on her body.
We call that the Seychellois Laundry Stain. Bananas everywhere!
– Dan & Jordan noticed a couple coconuts fell out. They inspected the area around it before willing to call over the ox handler. Louie & Michael choose Ox Trot. Carol & Brandy go with Turtle Toddle.
– Dan & Jordan jump onto the cart. Something very unpleasant happens.
– Dan & Jordan decide to name their ox Nici Porter. Just kidding, they name it Box after their father because he owns a packing company and says he makes boxes for a living.
Wow. That is such a depressing story for their father to tell.
– Michael & Louie start throwing coconuts into their cart.
The other religious teams this season may or may not agree with that statement.
– Carol & Brandy pick a tortoise. Which one do they choose?
The one that is suffering from depression, of course. Carol reads that they are not allowed to switch tortoises.
It is experiencing ennui.
– Jet & Cord commence the chucking of the coconuts.
JET: It’s like being at home where we are usually at home loading peet instead of. . .whatever these things are.
Coconuts? They have never heard of coconuts? C’mon guys. You can’t be serious.
I mean I was made fun of not knowing what sauerkraut was. But coconuts? This is too much.
– Allie presents her bananas to the fruit merchant.
And thankfully is not on a Sri Lankan tuk-tuk.
– They read they must take a boat to St. Pierre Island where they will receive their next clue.
Not impressed that an island is named after him.
And even he was under the spell of advertising for Under Armour as of late.
– Steve & Allie enter the boat. Dan & Jordan pass by Brent & Caite.
BRENT: Slowest thing ever.
DAN: Make love to it.
– Jordan is disgusted when the ox wags its tail. Dan & Jordan receive their clue. Brent & Caite jump off and expect their next clue.
– Brent & Caite are in denial and say they have a full load. I mean, do you take the word of a guy who never counted the load nor was with you at any point during the task?
BRENT: That’s crap!
I think Dan & Jordan can tell you what crap is in The Seychelles.
– Steve & Allie see Dan & Jordan heading to a boat. They catch onto a situation that is very wrong.
Just think that if Steve & Allie were too far away to see Dan & Jordan, they would have lost a ton of time if they wanted to retrieve their backpacks. Where are the backpacks, anyway?
“The tortoise is too distracted by that banana! Now’s our chance!”
– Meanwhile. . .
They are just one step away from going into Lou Piniella mode.
BRENT: How is theirs more than ours?
CAITE: It’s the same amount! They’re all the same.
BRENT: Well I quit.
That’s right. The classic “I quit” card that people in recreational sports pull when a call does not go their way, and are not motivated to take it because they are not a pro athlete making millions of dollars.
It is always a ploy to try and get the referee to appease you in some fashion. But that is not going to happen.
– Steve & Allie are on the boat. Steve says they have the fanny pack containing their money and passports. Therefore they could proceed if they wished to do so. Allie? Not so much.
What? You don’t want to run the rest of the race in a banana-mushed shirt, and race it with your shirtless father for the rest of the season?
“But she ain’t got no clothes!”
– Brent refuses to ride back. He repeats his desire to quit twice more. Brent even removes his backpack.
The removal of his backpack is his unofficial resignation.
– Commercial. We resume. The same ol crap with Brent & Caite is repeated. Same with Steve & Allie.
STEVE: It’s just clothes. I mean, you look good. Just look at cha.
You’re. . .really not helping the situation, Steve.
No shoes, a blue wifebeater, capris pants, and both articles of clothing look like an ox just vomited and/or ejac’d all over it.
ALLIE: I have to put makeup on every day and my brush. It’ll just strip me down, and I’ll be raw.
STEVE: Sometimes she doesn’t really realize how cute she is, and doesn’t need makeup.
Oh. My. God. Steve. You. Are. Not. Helping. This is getting major awks/ox.
– Allie trusts her dad and decides to ditch their bags.
– Allie believes they will be much faster from now on.
– Dan & Jordan enter the boat. Dan says they have worked well together and say it is paradise where they are.
DAN: It is Africa. But Tropical Beautiful Paradise Africa That You Never Knew It Existed.
That is because the majority of The Seychelles is under strict environmental protection. It has one of the strictest environmental guidelines of virtually any country in the world. These guidelines prevents mass tourism, and only allows for extremely rich people to afford visiting The Seychelles.
And now for a celebratory sibling shoulder slap contest.
– Brent changes his mind about quitting. Caite is close to quitting too. They are so discouraged about the idea of being thrown to the back of the pack. They barely lasted two hours near the front.
CAITE: This is so unfair!
Her uncanny resemblance to Kendra can be unsettling at times.
– Brent is calming Caite down. A reversal of roles, really. Michael & Louie board the ox cart. Carol & Brandy are stuck with a tortoise who is finally exiting his pen. Oh no! He’s going the wrong way!
I don’t do vertical lines. I cross em. I don’t need your f—ing banana either. I play by my own rules you f—ing Mean Lesbians.
– Brandy makes the biggest mistake of all when leading on tortoises along a path.
They already fed him part of the banana. What’s his motivation now? He knows he will be fed the banana even if he does not properly walk down the path.
– Survivor: Gabon soundtrack plays as Steve & Allie receive their clue. It is a Roadblock. Phil says The Seychelles suffered a lot of shipwrecks and treasure hunters are in the waters searching for the next great find.
Yes, Phil is about to go scuba diving.
– We cannot hear what Phil is saying. It is all in subtitles.
Ah. Phil is trying to be cute.
– We hear the voice of the Kiwi Wonder again as he says teams must figure out how to untie one of the seven bottles and bring it up to the boat. In other words, this Roadblock will only last a minute for most teams.
The pit stop. Ah. Another really short round for TAR 16, tragically.
Am I the only one who thinks the green thing looks like a UFO?
– CAROL: Does anybody have a napkin to wipe his mouth?
It’s a tortoise. Not a toddler. Carol asks Brandy if she wants to do the ox task. They choose to switch.
The tortoise with the Darth Vader helmet on its back wins the battle as he received a whole banana without doing any of the work.
– At the Roadblock, Steve decides to do it. Most likely because he already has his shirt off.
The true meaning of “Scuba Steve”.
– Allie informs us that her dad swims a lot at the gym. He will swim for about an hour at a time. That has to be one nice gym to have a pool. Steve successfully retrieves a bottle. He comments how he loves the ocean and views it as the most spectacular thing.
Turtles do not just live on land, you know.
– Steve & Allie groan when they see Dan & Jordan show up to the Roadblock.
ROADBLOCK HINT: Who’s ready to take a deep breath?
– Dan is not a big fan of swimming; Jordan volunteers for it. Dan knows he could have done it, but is not as confident as Jordan is in his ability.
DAN: C’mon bro, let’s go.
JORDAN: Hey, you need to wait a second. It’s really deep.
“Uh, what do you think the clue meant?”
– Jordan dives back down for a second time, and freed the bottle. As he comes back up he drops the bottle. Now he has to dive down to the bottom of the ocean floor. It is probably about ten feet deep.
– Brent & Caite are heading back as they explain to a confused Michael & Louie what happened.
I wonder if Brent will be penalized again for touching the ox inappropriately.
– Brent & Caite return to see their neglected coconut. Caite’s “this is so unfair” is dubbed. Editing really wants to bury Caite.
He was paid twenty bucks to stand next to a coconut and point at it for over an hour.
– The ox is stubborn as a mule once more as Caite proceeds to smack her ox in a similar fashion to Brent.
Thankfully it is not Dan & Jordan’s ox.
– Cord comments his brother once owned a buffalo. Brent & Caite pull away as they see Carol & Brandy joining the task.
CAROL: There’s Brent & Caite.
BRANDY: They probably messed up somewhere. Like duhhhh.
Guys. Think about it. You screwed up at the Detour too. You failed to get a freakin’ tortoise to follow a banana! Otherwise you would not be seeing Brent & Caite in the first place.
– Jet & Cord miss a coconut too and start moving. They learn the ox’s name is Red Bull.
– Jet & Cord now have a conversation that the editors will love.
JET: We didn’t drop anything, right?
Welcome to dramatic irony. And yes, the blunder soundtrack plays once more.
– STEVE: And we swim to the where?
ALLIE: To the shore.
Yes. To the shore. Not to. . .uh, not sure what the other alternative would be? The middle of the ocean?
– Steve says Allie has come through in an unbelievable way. Brandy accidentally throws a coconut onto Carol’s toe. Steve & Allie open up the map to see the puzzle they need to solve to assemble it.
ALLIE: This is impossible.
Yeah, that does not sound like TAR.
Something tells me their pit stop stay will be more than worth the dizziness.
– They try to create suspense over who will be first. Will it be Steve & Allie who barely saw Dan & Jordan and already have their map assembled or will it be the team who has yet to reach the shore?
But first, let’s take a look at the pit stop greeter who possesses my oldest brother’s deadlocks from the 1990s.
Steve demonstrates he is down with the Seychellois Brothers.
– Phil has the least exciting “you are team number one” greeting that I have ever heard in sixteen seasons of this project.
FIRST PLACE: STEVE & ALLIE
– Steve tells Phil of their current predicament, and specifically how they ain’t got no clothes. Steve proceeds to talk about not having a shirt.
STEVE (to the greeter): I’ll be hanging out like this. Do you hang out like this? Well, I hang out like this.
“Will the lovely lady hang out like this too?”
– PHIL: Did you notice that there was about a seven theme going on?
There was a seven theme? Where the heck did that come from?
a) There were seven bottles
b) This is the seventh leg.
c) There are not seven teams remaining.
d) The helicopter ride was more than seven miles.
e) There was not seven tortoises.
f) They did not have to load 700 coconuts.
g) There was not 70 bananas on a bunch.
In other words, there was no basis for any of the teams to believe there was a seven theme. I highly doubt Allie truly believed this was the case. She is just playing along.
– Phil reveals their prize for this leg of the race.
A DVD of the movie Se7en?
A chance to meet the seven dwarfs, and where Grumpy does his impression of Phil’s eyebrow raise?
A chance to dropkick the disgusting guy from 7th Heaven?
PHIL: In the spirit of seven, 7 Up has a great prize for you guys. 7 Up is giving you a positively uplifting reward for now and later. First, you get to dine oceanside and get some massages. And 7 Up is going to give you seven thousand dollars each, and all the 7 Up you could drink.
There they go. That’s how you do product placement!
Confession: I actually prefer Sprite. Shhhhhhhhh.
– ALLIE: God has a plan for us that to go as far in this race without our backpacks.
What a vague plan.
– Dan & Jordan are not shown assembling the map, and are now on the mat.
Phil plays along.
SECOND PLACE: STEVE & ALLIE
– MICHAEL: I bet he is thinking “why do I gotta pull you two fat bastards rather than the two skinny girls.
Sadly Josh & Reed are not on this season, according to Nadiya.
– Jet & Cord pass by Brent & Caite who are just happy to be ahead of The (Mean) Lesbians.
Brent may not be entirely content with Jet & Cord passing him.
– Blunder music plays as there is a coconut underneath Carol & Brandy’s cart. Brent & Caite’s cart takes over Jet & Cord, and cuts right in front of them.
JET: I ain’t going to put up with this bulls—.
Whoa! Did Jet just have a curse word aired on TAR? So much for “oh my gravy”.
As if Brent & Caite do not have enough penalties.
– Jet & Cord drop off their cargo. Sadly they are told not all of their coconuts are in the cart. The Cowboys must go back. Michael & Louie enter a boat and said they overshot a few coconuts but managed to clean them all up.
It is shocking, though. How difficult is it to check around your cart to ensure all of the coconuts made it into the cart? Especially when the coconuts are above the structure.
– Brent & Caite are next into the boat. Jet & Cord stand silently as the fruit merchant repeats that they do not have their coconuts.
JET: I wanted to grab him by the collar and show him that cart up close, but that would have been against the rules.
That may or may not be highly frowned upon outside of the state of Oklahoma. Some may call that a hate crime.
– Carol does not think that the ox will cooperate.
BRANDY: Somebody has to make a mistake somewhere.
Yeah. That someone would be you. You two are doomed.
– BRENT: Right now we’re in third to last spot. We cost our spot over this stupid coconut thing. We keep making mistakes and keep staying in the game. It goes to show you that one of these days something bright will happen. It’s all about luck.
Yes. Reading comprehension leg after leg equals luck.
CAITE: Glad we got wet though. I was feeling dirty.
Caite is now dirty and wet.
Now she gets to feel -really- dirty and wet.
– Michael & Louie’s boat sounds like it is going to die. A boat cannot handle their weight as well as an ox.
Brent & Caite passing Michael & Louie’s boat is all skill according to Brent.
Although the worst luck of all came when this boat was on its way to the Seychelles but ran into the Kraken instead.
– Carol & Brandy see the Cowboys coming towards them. They are confused, but taunt them by calling them roadhogs when they temporarily share the road. Carol solves the problem. Jet & Cord return and see the lone coconut.
He gets to work overtime today!
– The fruit merchant repeats to Carol & Brandy that all of the coconuts are not in the cart. They defend themselves four times.
BRANDY: Are you sure about that?!
MERCHANT: I am sure about that.
I should note he does a subtle head shake going into the commercial break. He is disappointed in the Mean Lesbians ™.
– Commercial. We resume. Oh god. We see the whole argument again. Unlike Brent & Caite, these two do not decide to quit. Back they go.
Has a lovely bunch of coconuts.
Does not have a lovely bunch of coconuts.
– Carol & Brandy bicker. Brandy accuses Carol of placing the blame on her.
CAROL: I’m not placing the blame on you.
BRANDY: It is what it is.
Brandy quotes the Foa Foa banner.
– Brent & Caite are at Georges St. Pierre Island. Brent will be diving down. Both are amazed by the landscape. Brent loves diving down to retrieve the bottle in the ocean.
– Brent has the bottle. Caite proclaims her love for Brent. Caite narrates the whole twenty second process. Michael & Louie assume it is a Roadblock because Brent is climbing into the boat.
Yes. People who dive into the ocean are jerks by default. Such loose criteria for Michael.
– Brent brings the bottle to the side of the boat.
BRENT: Are you just going to stand there or are you going to come here?
Come where? Into the ocean and swim a couple miles to shore? I hear boats are much faster.
Yes, StepheMe. Boats are indeed faster.
– Michael already has the goggles on before he reads the Roadblock. Yes, he figured out what the Roadblock would be entirely on his own. I hope Michael does not have Eagle Lungs for this task. He succeeds no problem.
Until he breaks the bottle upon entering the boat, and accidentally gives Louie hepatitis. I am not sure which type of hepatitis. Whichever is the one you get at nice resorts when walking on broken glass. That one.
– Jet & Cord interact with Carol & Brandy as they pass by each other once more.
CAROL (to JET): We would have paid you to pick up the one we apparently left.
– Jet & Cord change into their board shorts on shore.
JET: I don’t know if you’ve ever seen guys swim in jeans.
CORD: We weren’t in speedos. The board shorts were a happy medium.
His day can finally come to an end.
– Jet & Cord are already in the boat. Carol & Brandy must be about thirty minutes behind. Louie is not a strong swimmer. He removes his shirt when swimming. Caite has no issue passing him in the water.
He lives in Rhode ISLAND but does not swim well? How is that possible? No one gets in? No one gets out of Rhode Island?
– Cord is doing the Roadblock. He gingerly dives into the water and retrieves the bottle.
JET: That didn’t take you long!
No kidding. Nobody takes long with this task.
– Carol & Brandy are now in the boat. Carol enters in her camouflage pants. Brandy is wearing leggings. Not so ideal swimwear, I imagine. Michael waits impatiently for Louie as Brent & Caite both assemble the map. They are done the map. Louie & Michael have it done too as both teams run together. Brent reminds everybody of the task at hand.
You are reminding the guy who has eagle eyes of all people?! That is an insult! Michael is the same man who spends his days off going to Hastings Street in Vancouver sniffing everybody’s rear ends just to see if he can arrest them for possessing crack.
– Jet is excited the pit stop is nearby because Carol & Brandy are behind them and they are labelled as a strong team. Brandy instantly volunteers to do the Roadblock in what is not particularly swimming gear. Brent & Caite enter the pit stop followed by Louie & Michael.
THIRD PLACE: BRENT & CAITE
FOURTH PLACE: MICHAEL & LOUIE
The “No Equalizer” three round streak comes to an end, and Louie & Michael resume their trend of finishing behind Brent & Caite.
LOUIE: Wow. Wow. Wow.
PHIL: Hey Louie, by the end of this race you may actually be fit.
Wow. Phil has turned into Jeff Probst levels of mean. Louie does what any ultra-manly-man tries to do when called out in a situation like that.
Flex these muscles.
– LOUIE: We’re going to be here until the end.
PHIL: And who’s going to be there with you?
LOUIE: These two, me, and the Cowboys.
PHIL: Who would you like to see go next?
LOUIE: Brandy and Carol.
MICHAEL: They’ve got chips on their shoulder and negative people. If you want to be negative go somewhere else.
Did Carol & Brandy just get pwned by Michael Naylor of all people? And lost to Brent & Caite this leg? Their stock really dropped this round.
CAITE: We kinda want them gone too.
You can tell Phil really does not have an idea what to expect from Caite’s rants at this point in the season.
– Caite explains the whole tiara incident.
CAITE: I’ve only been in a couple pageants. Don’t talk down to me. You don’t know me. I’ve been nothing but nice to them this whole race. Like quit being mean to me.
Sorry Caite. That does not fly.
PHIL: If you had to pick a team to be out you would like it–
CAITE: I’d really like them to be out because they’re so rude and don’t deserve to be here.
Brent chimes in with the golden goal of the match.
Caite wants to eat Phil’s brains now, apparently. Did she eat too much bath salt?
– Do you know what is great about this exchange too?
None of the other four teams really acknowledge Steve & Allie nor Dan & Jordan.
– Anyways, it is now a showdown between Jet & Cord and Carol & Brandy. Cowboys swim to the shore.
They only forgot one coconut out of three hundred, but forgot one wine bottle out of one wine bottle.
Prepare to be Brent & Caite’d.
“FIFTH” PLACE: JET & CORD
JET: All because of one freakin’ coconut.
Heh. Jet is setting himself up beautifully for this.
JET: We just got that feeling to head down the beach.
CORD: We kept jogging until something caught our eye.
“We would’ve found it faster if we had a clue, you know.”
– PHIL: You didn’t look inside the bottle? Did you notice there was something inside the bottle?
JET: Yeah, we saw a leather pouch in there. I’m sure it was the direction of the pit stop.
I feel like Phil has already made this face plenty of times this season.
– PHIL: Well guys, I have some bad news. You’ll need to retrieve the bottle and then remove what is inside the bottle and bring the contents to shore before I can check you in.
– Commercial. We resume. Phil repeats the task he sets for Jet & Cord. Both start running out of the pit stop. I am curious how much time they lost by Phil trolling them. Jet & Cord are at shore preparing to swim out. There is an issue, sadly.
They need to swim roughly the length of four football fields before reaching their boat. Jet claims it is three hundred yards away. That is the size of a freakin’ golf course. Not to mention swimming. . .
Back across the ocean.
You clearly have not seen TAR 7 or TAR 10. Or Dennis & Isabelle.
– Jet & Cord see Carol & Brandy’s boat dropping them off.
CORD: We will not give up until Phil says ‘you are eliminated’.
Yes. The courageous edit.
– Jet & Cord appear to be drained. They have the bottle. Carol is no longer swimming once it is shallow enough. Brandy wants her to keep swimming but Carol is not doing so. They assemble the map on the beach. It is solved instantly. However, both decide to casually walk. Jet & Cord are running along the beach. We hear a ton of chirping birds on the soundtrack.
And yet it takes them a while to even turn around.
– They make it look like a showdown, but you can pretty much guess what the outcome will be when a team has to swim for over an hour versus a team who only has to swim for twenty minutes.
This is Brandy’s go-to celebratory finishing pose.
FIFTH PLACE: CAROL & BRANDY
– Jet & Cord return to the pit stop. Jet is particularly pissed.
Happy birthday, Stanley! Yes, Jet whips the map onto the mat.
SIXTH PLACE: JET & CORD
– Because Jet & Cord finished last, and since there was no hope for Jeff & Jordan to be anything but last, it is a non-elimination leg.*
* If anyone else was saved by the non-elimination leg this round, fans would claim it was rigged.
– PHIL: You are now the last team to arrive. I am sorry to tell you that the next leg of the race is going to be pretty tough, and you’re eliminated from the race.
Nah, he didn’t troll them that hard. Just remove the “you’re eliminated from the race” with “this is a non-elimination leg”.
– A slow redemptive country soundtrack plays when this news is revealed. God this is too over-the-top. Cord says they cut it close because they nearly drowned. Phil explains the Speed Bump. Cowboys are up to the challenge. Jet says that they are up to the challenge.
JET: The champions are not necessarily the ones who ride the most bulls.
JET: The odds are definitely against us
The champions are not necessarily the people who ride the most bulls.
They’re the people that can’t get bucked off
And still pick theirself back up
And go get on another one
That’s just what we do
We’re at the bottom so only one place to go
CORD: Should write a country song.
JET: I should. Ding-ding-ding-ding.
I think Jet missed Cord’s point.
No hope in the country music industry. We have enough appearances by musicians on this race, anyway.
Next Time on TAR: In Malaysia, Jet & Cord’s fate hangs in the balance as they struggle to get back in the race.
Number of Episodes Where a Team is Specifically Mentioned in the Next Time On. . . Segment
CAROL & BRANDY: 2
JET & CORD: 3
DAN & JORDAN: 1
BRENT & CAITE: 2
Rank the Legs
1) San Carlos de Bariloche, Argentina -> Hamburg, Germany
Although it was edited out, the eight remaining teams were split amongst three different flights to Hamburg. Once they landed, they were given further choice by choosing between taxis, metro trains, and walking on foot to each route marker.
Freedom of choice in transportation is what all viewers miss in the TAR universe. Nobody wants to see a linear leg.
The teams were evenly divided between doing the Soccer and Sauerkraut Detour options. It is refreshing to see after an era of everybody completing the same dang option.
I also liked that the pit stop was in the Red Light District. Not every monument in existence is on the perimeter of the city in some fairy tale like landscape. They can be bars or clubs in questionable areas.
However, this round has some faults. The one-time return of the Intersection in the US franchise appeared pointless at best. Watching only one team check out of the pit stop, who also happen to be the stars of the season, really keeps many of the other teams hidden from the viewer.
Watching teams physically drained such as Joe’s knee injury and Caite’s hamstrings prove that the TAR experience is legitimate.
Watching Das Boot from Beerfest directly inspire a task was hilarious. I also appreciated a team being at the bottom of the pack in Nowheresville climbing to a first place finish was a breath of fresh air. Regardless of it being Michael & Louie, seeing a change of pace of “One Team Dominates All” since TAR 13 was good to see.
Yes, there is controversy surrounding the round finishing in the first Round of 8 non-elimination since TAR 6, and the fact it happened to save one of three teams production favoured going into the season.
This is by far the best leg design after four rounds. That is rare for a non-elimination round to beat out the first three elimination rounds.
Lastly, Vomiting Brent and Alcoholic Steve.
2) Reims, France -> Praslin, The Seychelles
The best point in most TAR seasons is when they head to a new continent after spending half of the season in the previous continent.
Not only do we get that this round, but also a brand new country added to the TAR franchise catalogue!
The Seychelles had a really neat Detour as teams chose between playing with a 100 year old tortoise by leading it on with a banana, or relying on an ox cart to transport 299 or 300 coconuts.
Memorable moments such as Steve & Allie choosing to race without their backpacks to pick up TAR’s ridiculous 7, 000 dollars + 7Up 4 L7FE prize, the trailing three teams moving to the front because they chose seats closest to the front of the plane, and Brent’s anonymous mishap.
Oh, and the Cowboys finishing last because they failed to remember to do anything this round.
I was disappointed with how easy it was for teams to find the pit stop. Or how easy it was to retrieve the bottle during the Roadblock. Or how easy it was to assemble that map. They could have done so much more with The Seychelles, but turned it into an overall rather quick and lame leg. I swear it took no more than 4-7 hours to complete the leg once in the country.
3) Les Monthairons, France -> Reims, France
What? No bus tickets? No being automatically sent to a route marker with other teams on a form of private transit arranged by production during the pit stop? This leg started from the pit stop and teams were completely on their own until the end of the leg.
Not a Non-Elimination. No equalizers. No taxis. It is all you from the time you check out to the time you check in.
What was great about this round is that we were finally introduced to Steve & Allie for the first time all season. Steve’s subtle alcoholism from round four was re-visited here in the champagne region. Seeing him fix a car with duct tape could not have been more Red Green.
Also, his uncorking skills are questionable.
I thoroughly enjoyed the comedy throughout the leg. The teams from the bible belt mixed up Noah with Joan of Arc. That was both hilarious and depressing. Is the American educational system really that bad?
The mime at the pit stop was creative. It seems pit stop greeters and judges have had wackier personalities of their own ever since TAR 12. Just a direction TAR has gone.
I liked Santa Claus helping teams enter the wine cellar at the Roadblock. Speaking of the Roadblock, that was the lamest part of the episode. It was the longest needle in a tiny haystack which made the task not only dumb like other needles in haystacks but pointless as well. The sabre wine uncorking did not have to be performed with any finesse which should have been made a TAR Canada-esque “you are not done until you do it in proper form”.
What if teams had to go into the hole, grab another bottle, and climb back up after each time they failed with sabreing the champagne cork? That would have been a much more compelling task.
The route markers mixing up their names with places in other cities helped make the day much tougher.
Producers finally tricked teams by having the needle-in-a-haystack task (searching for grapes) be much much tougher than the skill task. I personally wish the grape searching be replaced with brutal wine stomping or some exercise to match how awesome the wine tower pouring played out. I can watch a tower of 680 champagne glasses be on the brink of destruction all day.
Watching teams look for a vine of grapes? Not so much.
In short, the tasks were lame except for the champagne tower. The actual driving aspect and finding the route markers was much more intriguing.
Oh, and Jeff & Jordan were eliminated. Now we just need to eliminate Jet & Cord, Carol & Brandy, Michael & Louie, and Brent & Caite all before the Final Three.
4) Valparaiso, Chile -> Puerto Varas, Chile
The “most gruelling season ever” takes a huge step down in difficulty for this round.
Perhaps the biggest obstacle was for the racers to see Jeff & Jordan every twenty seconds. We did not see any of the other nine teams check out of the pit stop. The only drama with them was missing both buses in Temuco, but still being in the middle of the pack for the whole round.
The other obstacle was hearing the City Slickers theme repeatedly as Jet & Cord utter the phrase “oh my gravy” four times. Lone Rangers was uttered three times. References to their hat protectors was out of hand, too. Their sneaky little tactic to be the first bus into town is when they were the most popular team in TAR at the time.
The initial route marker of making teams two or more buses along with taking a car and a boat was one of the best in TAR history.
However, the tasks and driving to subsequent route markers were very quick. Jump off a pier or put a blanket on a llama? Go around a barn collecting eggs, flour, and milk a cow? Then drive straight for twenty minutes to the pit stop? That is really easy stuff.
I could watch teams get kicked in the body by llamas and cows on repeat. That was the only upside to it.
In short, the five different options teams took to get to the first route markers was great. After that it was ultra easy and simplified. A bit of a letdown, really.
Screw you Jeff Schroeder for helping Michael & Louie to get out of last place to beat Jody & Shannon. If only Jody & Shannon knew to buy tickets for a connecting bus as well.
5) Puerto Varas, Chile -> San Carlos de Bariloche, Argentina
Teams are provided with bus tickets at the start of the leg? Wow. That takes a huge part of the adventure away from the show.
Once in Argentina, Jet & Cord were treated to an episode all to themselves because the entire round was a freakin’ cowboy theme. Not since Family Edition have we seen such an extreme cowboy theme at play.
The first task was one hundred percent luck as teams sat in a chair waiting for their clue. All we saw was the dealer giving cards to a team and cards to a GNOME in a poker game. If a team beat the gnome, they received their clue. Some teams were unaware when their hand was better.
Once they had the clue, teams walked one hundred feet to the Roadblock task. They appeared to take anywhere between one minute to twenty minutes at the task.
When that was done they drove a short distance to a set of cliffs where the Detour awaited. This was the only challenging task of the round (unless you were Shawne). They had to choose between counting out steps on a coordinate, dig up a bag, and bring it to the train station or taking swings at a ball and getting it past a certain distance within nine shots.
The number of teams switching from the bag bandit task to the polo task must have been a TAR record for a Detour. In fact, Monique & Shawne switched from the polo task to the bag bandit task. Only Jeff & Jordan and Steve & Allie did not switch out of all nine teams.
Steve rolling in mud, Big Joe Wang falling off a fake horse, Monique exhausted from doing nothing, and Michael & Louie completing the Detour for another team were all hilarious moments.
Also, Michael & Louie have an average of 8.67 after three rounds. Only 7.67 points off the pace for being the best of all time.
And did anyone think it was a bit unfair that Brent & Caite were treated and given care for over three hours as they had plenty of time to catch a bus? Sure, Brent was terrible at directions and only a lasso saved him as Caite demonstrated her stick shift skills, but you can’t help but wonder what Monique & Shawne could have done with a bit of treatment.
Do you remember where you were when Monique & Shawne were eliminated? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
6) Los Angeles, California, USA -> Valparaiso, Chile
Compared to TAR 15’s premiere, this one is ten times better.
But compared to virtually any other premiere, this one is probably sub-par. One hour premieres with eleven teams are truly rushed.
Phil starts out the season with the dreaded “toughest season ever” tagline that we know all too well from TAR Asia 3. However, TAR Asia 3 nearly lived up to that tagline. TAR 16’s premiere? Not so much.
First off, teams were brought in on the same bus. Next? They had to get to LAX using public transit. Therefore, this was the cheapest ride to the airport in TAR history, and obviously meant that several teams would get to the airport simultaneously.
Another pointless twist was that only three teams would be on the first flight, and eight teams on the second flight. That makes zero sense because you are at much more of a disadvantage if eight teams are on the first flight, and only three teams on the second flight. If the first flight suffers any sort of delay, they will be at the biggest disadvantage of all.
And guess what? The first flight was delayed, and all eleven teams were forced to be on the second flight! This is the first time in TAR history that all teams left the United States on the same flight. I can’t get over that.
Thankfully the rest of the stupidity lies with the contestants. Jet & Cord exchanging money for a currency that has nothing to do with Chile, Adrian doing the Roadblock instead of Dana, Brent & Caite refusing to read, Jordan Lloyd beating everyone, Steve & Allie painting the inside of a stranger’s house, and Michael & Louie humiliating themselves.
There was an unaired route marker prior to arriving in Valparaiso. I guess a neat castle was too much for 42 minutes. Instead we needed to listen to Jeff Schroeder’s commentary and laugh at Adrian in the process.
Dana & Adrian were heavy favourites entering the season because not only were they superfans, but viewers thought they would be like Chip & Kim or Uchenna & Joyce. I know. That’s a disturbing way of thinking.
They led most of the way until Adrian decided to do the Roadblock. The first hurdle of the season and they were nowhere close to achieving it. I personally think Dana & Adrian were doomed to go early despite this blunder. Adrian and Dana both sounded fatigued even before the Roadblock. I think him or Dana would have experienced a serious injury within the first couple of legs. They would not have held up physically for twelve legs.
So far “toughest race ever” is proving to be “least expensive race ever” after the premiere.
7) Hamburg, Germany -> Les Monthairons, France
What were producers trying to accomplish with this round? Every team stayed in the exact same position except for Joe & Heidi who suffered a Blind U-Turn.
Why did teams need to be driven to the pit start across two countries? Couldn’t they just have allowed teams to check out in Hamburg (even outside of the Red Light District for safety reasons), and make them drive across into France? The legs where teams have to self-drive for several hours show teams who have a good sense of direction versus those who do not.
This leg was perhaps the first post-premiere leg in any season to not have a Roadblock. They started out by driving about a half hour to the baguette shop. From there it was a WWI re-enactment in a spot with a Speed Bump, U-Turn, and a Detour combined. From there they walked for roughly ten to twenty minutes to a bicycle task which was a fifteen bike ride from the pit stop.
In other words, it was an extremely short leg. What was worse is that all teams chose a Detour option that was ten times easier than the other (trench crawl versus Morse code). The Morse code task was difficult enough that all teams in franchise history would have struggled for several hours except for Jim & Misti.
What was worse about this leg is that the previous round was a non-elimination but this round was not. In other words, a Speed Bump meant nothing unless you were the one U-Turned and forced to do the Morse code.
It is painful that Louie & Michael thought eliminating a team who was well on their way to a medical evacuation was a team needed for immediate ejection. Did you not see how much ice Joe needed? The guy was going to be stopped very soon. Gus McCleod from TAR 6 could have moved faster than him.
So pissed. This leg could have been so much more rather than an ultra linear 42 minute World War 1 re-enactment while teams do not know which war it is and having to sit through listening to Jeff & Jordan, Brent & Caite, and Brandy.
Although I did appreciate a break from Jet & Cord. Thank God.