“By a Vote of 6-0, I Am Sorry, But Your Remaining Brain Cells Have Been Evicted From The Amazing Race 16”
CHILE – ARGENTINA – GERMANY – FRANCE – SEYCHELLES – MALAYSIA – SINGAPORE – CHINA – UNITED STATES
Previously on TAR: Teams went to battle in World War One. Big Brother couple Jeff & Jordan had their own private battle, but despite a Speed Bump managed to survive.
Louie & Michael targeted Joe & Heidi with the Blind U-Turn that forced them to surrender. The detectives’ strategy sealed another victory.
Seven teams remain; who will be eliminated next?
Number of Episodes Where a Team is Specifically Mentioned in the Previously On. . . Segment
JET & CORD: 2
BRENT & CAITE: 2
HEIDI & JOE: 3
JODY & SHANNON: 1
DAN & JORDAN: 2
JEFF & JORDAN: 3
DANA & ADRIAN: 1
CAROL & BRANDY: 2
MONIQUE & SHAWNE: 1
LOUIE & MICHAEL: 2
STEVE & ALLIE: 0
– EDITOR’S NOTE: This is the first time ever that a team winning a leg in the ‘Previously On’ segment was shown -after- the announcement of a team being eliminated.
– Intro time.
– EDITOR’S NOTE: Last leg when teams were transported to the pit start in another country, the only time I can think of in the US franchise where anything like that happened was in TAR 3 where the Steamship Savoie traveled to another city during the rest period.
And yes, TAR Canada 2 did that every single round.
– Phil introduces us to the pastoral fields of northeastern France.
Oh my gravey.
– Phil talks about how there are tiny villages such as Vaschvoloun or whatever the heck Phil is trying to say. Only 43 people live there. It is like an Albertan farming community.
– Michael & Louie who arrived first at an unspecified time will depart at 7:47am. They read that they must drive to the city of Reims thirty-seven miles away. It was established by Romans before being liberated from the English by Joan of Arc.
Thanks to Mario offering her his shield.
– They will head to a castle where kings had their coronation. Outside is where they will find a Joan of Arc statue and a musician playing a singing saw.
ANOTHER. F—ING. MUSICIAN. What is up with TAR 16? I wonder if she was cut from the pit stop’s band from last round. Trumpets, drums, and singing saws may have been too much.
I hear Joan of Arc’s life has as much of a tragic ending as the run of the TV show Joan of Arcadia.
Oddly enough, Joan of Arcadia suffered because it aired on CBS at 8:00pm on Fridays, and had no choice but to be cancelled after only two seasons. Exactly ten years later and The Amazing Race 25 is now one week into this timeslot and has dropped its ratings by over forty percent.
Meanwhile the camera operator is suffering from the ailment of being three feet shorter than Michael.
– Louie enjoys watching the other teams running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Michael agrees and is feeling good too.
– Steve & Allie depart second at 8:04am. They are the most dominant team after five rounds, but have zero storyline to show for it. Their only ties were to Joe & Heidi who have already left the race. Allie comments on how cold it is. She cannot read the map which looks like a postcard. Steve is driving but Allie wants her to look at it.
I am not kidding you. That map is -tiny-.
The only “Reims” we know is what we use to take control a horse.
– Jet thinks there might be a 7/11 nearby. If you have seen my screencaps from earlier seasons, you would know this is not much of a stretch.
The cold-blooded Rhode Island Rattlesnake needs a hotter climate to settle!
JORDAN: “Listen to what you saw“. Maybe Joan of Arc speaks. She says (sassy face) ‘my name is Joan of Arc!’.
What the heck, Jordan? Joan of Arc does not perform in drag at clubs, to my recollection.
– Carol & Brandy start in fifth at 8:39am. They love the beauty of the landscape, but note it would be too quiet, and two hours away from Paris to purchase various oils. Wow. They are in a good mood. Perhaps because they are a slot ahead of Brent & Caite who must be hours and hours behind.
– Sure enough we see Michael & Louie and Steve & Allie driving through Reims. Steve asks a local for directions.
STEVE: Something’s wrong with the Joan of Arc.
ALLIE: Maybe it’s Arc de Joan. Like Arc de Triomphe. It’s. . .Arc of Triomphe.
Skupin de Michael is puzzled when asked for directions.
Steve is just about done with foreign languages.
– Dan & Jordan pull over for directions.
WOMAN: Cathy ????
DAN: Cathy. . .Drone?
JORDAN: . . .!
JORDAN: Cathedral? It’s in front of the cathedral?
DAN: People do not speak good English here.
Heh. I saw the episode title and immediately thought that it was supposed to be cathedral too.
– Brent & Caite start in sixth at 9:48am.
Hold it. Brent & Caite managed to check into the pit stop, bike back to the church, walk to the U-Turn board, walk back to the church, and bike to the pit stop again all in less than an hour?
Maybe the leg was even shorter than I thought in round five.
– Brent decides to come up with a plan of asking the first person they can see. Michael & Louie head to a tourism office while Steve & Allie head into first place.
Trust me, they need any recognition they can get. Producers certainly are not going to do it.
– What is Steve & Allie’s clue?
A cork of a wine bottle depicting a winery. The local who showed them the route marker is now helping with directing them to the winery.
STEVE: I could really use the bubbly right now.
Oh my god, Steve. Check into rehab, pronto.
– Louie & Michael exit the tourism centre. Jet & Cord admire the cathedral as they sneak into second place too. Michael & Louie are seconds behind.
CORD: Did you know there is a town forty kilometres down the road named Champagne?
Jet has to remind Cord that Champagne is the name of the region where the entire previous leg took place.
– Cord tells Jet to follow the signs to Chalon (well, he pronounces it as “Charlone”) which he assumes is in Champagne. Michael & Louie go the more intelligent route of returning to the tourist centre a couple blocks away.
It is never good when the blunder soundtrack plays while you are on the road.
Meanwhile in Compton, Dr. Dre is listening to a radio DJ named Charmaine Champagne.
– Dan & Jordan receive the cork.
JORDAN: Yeah, that’s her. On the horse.
JORDAN: Yes. That is how she is most often depicted.
Heh, it’s the same way I use the English language around my siblings. I am surprised how much I am relating to Dan & Jordan’s dynamic.
– Jordan stops to thank Joan of Arc for sacrificing herself and allowing this leg of TAR to play out.
Jordan is wrapped up in the tribute while Dan is merely confused.
– Dan & Jordan enter a tourism office and are stoked to see Michael & Louie. This is their first interaction all season long, but seem to get along well. They hug it out before cooperating in the tourism office.
It took five rounds, but the Rhode Island Squad is finally born.
– Dan & Jordan have a discussion in the car.
JORDAN: How do you make champagne?
DAN: I don’t know.
JORDAN: Is it like wine but you just add club soda to it?
It’s so hard to tell him ‘no’ with a face like that.
– Carol & Brandy see the horse. Brandy starts skipping along the cobblestone when she receives the cork. She could not be more excited for the wine.
– Jeff & Jordan depart in last at 10:28am. They are not as far behind as I thought they were. Both are ready to catch up.
JORDAN: Joan of Arc. . .he was the one who carried the sheep, right?
JORDAN: Yeah. He carried all the animals.
JEFF: She. That was Noah. I wonder why we’re in last.
Oh god. She carried the Dauphins in two.
– Dan & Jordan state they are following Michael & Louie. Both teams are first to the winery. The tourism centre really helped as Jet & Cord and Steve & Allie are no longer leading.
ROADBLOCK HINT: Who’s ready to cave in?
Michael & Louie act like two nine year olds who see an ice cream cake surprise before them. They giggle and cheer.
– Phil explains that Champagne has been the place for countless rituals and celebrations.
PHIL: Teams must learn how to party like it’s 1799.
But first, a toast to never going through TAR 24 ever again!
– They’ll first rappel over one hundred feet into the caves below the winery. They must search the caves of the winery filled with champagne bottles for one that is specially marked. Then in the tradition of officers in Napoleon’s army, they must celebrate by using a sabre to slice off the cork. When they do it will cause the champagne to shoot out along with their next clue.
Envelopes are for chumps.
What is this? I don’t even drink. Gosh!
– Louie and Jordan are both doing the Roadblock. Jordan is ready to wet himself. He explains he had to do it because he has only done one while Dan has completed three.
Gone are the days where one team member can do ten Roadblocks.
But was revived recently just to help out the old guy. It would be inappropriate for him to do half of the workload.
– The rappel looks relatively scary.
Who knew champagne could be so scary.
– Steve & Allie arrive at the route marker. Dan greets them. Allie comments the hint may involve something upper body. Therefore, Steve is doing it. Jordan is on the ground and searching for a marked bottle. Louie begins the descent.
Jordan completes transfiguration and truly is a Rhode Island Rattlesnake. Searching for his prey.
– Jet & Cord ask directions from a cab. They discover it is the wrong town. Both assume they are in last place. Once again, a self-drive navigation round is what sets them back a bit.
– Commercial. We resume. Jet & Cord say navigation is not their thing today.
– Meanwhile Jordan finds a bottle.
At least it wasn’t too hidden.
– Jordan climbs up the stairs. Louie has yet to reach the bottom which means it must take no more than ten minutes. Louie is now searching the bottles. Allie cheers on Jordan as he heads outside to use the sabre.
French people love their sexual innuendos.
Unless you’re Kami & Karli from TAR 5, obviously.
– Jordan says there are millions of bottles in the cellar. I have determined that this is a liar. He is not a rattlesnake for nothin’!
– Louie is down in the cellar. Steve begins the rappel. He starts sweating. Steve will do anything for a drink.
– Brent & Caite have found a statue.
If that is the cowardly lion in need of courage, Brent & Caite are the scarecrows in need of a brain.
BRENT: Does that say Joan of Arc? Let’s read the statue.
CAITE: Oh! It has the animals.
BRENT: That’s what I said. I think that’s her on the left.
CAITE: Joan of Arc was a guy.
BRENT: Joan of Arc is a girl. Why do you think her name was Joan?
CAITE: Okay, nevermind. Just kidding. Thinking of somebody else.
– In all seriousness, the fact that Caite said “it has to be it, it’s the one with animals” leads me to believe that she thought it was Noah too.
SIGNS THAT THE EDUCATION SYSTEM FAILED CAITE UPTON AND JORDAN LLOYD
1. Both thought Joan was a man.
2. Both thought Noah was a Frenchman.
3. Neither have heard of Joan of Arc prior to being on the race.
Caite was born and raised in South Carolina. My guess is their education system was heavy with religious private schools and an overall religious culture.
Jordan was born and raised in North Carolina. My guess is their education system was heavy with religious private schools and an overall religious culture.
It makes you wonder what is being taught in the Carolinas. These are women in their 20s. One cannot even tell time on a standard clock. These two are making the Carolinas look like West Virginia.
Thank goodness I live in Canada.
– Louie retrieves the bottle. He stumbles on the stairs.
Stairs can be tricky!
– Michael comments that Louie needs cardio as he huffs and puffs up the stairs. Louie uncorks the bottle. The note is sent flying. Louie’s fat fingers have a tough time retrieving the note inside of the tube.
Louie knows this situation all too well at home in bed.
– Louie butchers the French language like many other teams, and races off.
– Steve is down in the cellar and has already consumed four bottles of wine. His tolerance is surprisingly high.
– Jeff repeats “listen to what you saw”. Maybe it means go to Warsaw. Brent & Caite argue after they fail to hear any music.
BRENT: Where do you want to go?
CAITE: I don’t know.
BRENT: Wanna ask them?
CAITE: Mmmm, no.
BRENT: What do you want to do?
CAITE: I don’t have an attitude.
BRENT: Alright. Figure it out. Where do you want to go?
CAITE: Need to stop your attitude.
BRENT: Caite pushing my buttons is like a game to her.
CAITE: Scoot your chair up.
BRENT: I did not. I didn’t even touch my chair. It’s not further back.
CAITE: Yeah it is.
BRENT: No it’s not.
CAITE: Yeah it is.
BRENT: No it’s not.
CAITE: Yeah it is.
BRENT: Whatever. Just sit in the back seat there.
I have a tough time feeling bad for you, Brent. Can’t get mad, chair not touching you.
– Let’s check in on Steve in the wine cellar.
He is being just a bit too observant.
I am getting Survivor: Gabon flashbacks.
– Steve finds the bottle. He licks his lips. The wine explodes erratically. Carol & Brandy see Steve & Allie outside of the winery.
CAROL: Who is it? That’s Steve. Damn it!
Nothing brings my blood to a boil more than a former Philadelphia Phillies third base coach.
– CAROL: Go ahead. Rappel one hundred feet down into a shaft.
Wow. No choice.
– Brandy is doing it and whines she has never rappelled before. Carol says it will be a blast.
CAROL: Hopefully she’s not in a piss ass mood when she gets up here.
Ah yes. The Pink Cloud in Dalaam from EarthBound.
– When Brandy is in the cellar we hear a soundtrack that reminds me of the tree fortress music from the original Donkey Kong Country.
Yes, Donkey Kong Country’s Cave Dweller Concert sounds close to when Brandy enters the wine cellar for the Roadblock.
– Dan & Jordan enter a store to ask for directions. They are told it is back in Reims. Well, after Jordan understands that her saying “Rams” is the French way to say “Reims”. Michael & Louie celebrate after they get directions and convince a local to lead them to the route marker.
JORDAN: She is so cute! If there is a good person willing to give you directions it can’t hurt.
Her lack of control when the champagne shoots out really demonstrates her inexperience.
Well, at least she didn’t squirt it everywhere and get it all over her hands like Steve did. And Brandy didn’t moan to the point that she gave me nightmares either.
Yeah, I was too afraid to screencap Steve discharging the champagne until now. I am frightened.
– Steve & Allie ask a painter for directions. They are directed back to Reims after the painter learns that Steve & Allie are not going to paint the inside of his house. Meanwhile Carol & Brandy are instructed to head to Par-eee. Oh, Paris.
Not so helpful.
The painter must have stolen a toque from Steve’s bag.
– Jet & Cord are at the winery.
After the McCoys drove through a mud bog.
– Cord is doing the Roadblock. Jet deduces they are fifth. How does he know this?
Yeah, production left an obvious clue of their own.
For once Cord does not stick out in a French city. Look at that majestic beard!
What an awkward sabre technique. They don’t have sabre training in Oklahoma!
Unlike the least threatening gladiator ever known as Sunny. She’ll terrorize you with her gentle happiness to make you fall off the rings!
– Jet reads the clue.
CORD: Oh my gravy.
JET: I can’t even pronounce that.
OH MY GRAVY COUNT: 7
– They ask for directions and are heading back to Reims. Louie & Michael are following a nice Frenchman in a porsche through France.
MICHAEL: It doesn’t get any better than this. I love this guy.
Oh yeah. Couldn’t care less about his wife.
– Michael & Louie have the clue. It’s a Detour.
– Phil says from cultivating grapes to presentation, producing champagne is exhausting and exacting. Teams must choose between Tower and Terra.
In Tower, teams must use exactly 680 glasses to build a tower exactly fifteen levels high with only one glass on top. If they can solve that equation and build the tower without breaking any glasses, they can fill it with champagne to receive their next clue.
– In Terra, teams must search one square kilometre of the barren wintry land for a tiny cluster of grapes marked with race colours. They must bring their harvest to the man to receive their next clue.
Oh my grapey.
Tiny is right.
Terra Terror? Sounds like the name of a level in Donkey Kong Country.
Or the sequel to Terranigma.
– Michael describes himself and Louie as bulls in a china shop. Therefore, they are choosing Terra. Louie comments there are grape vines everywhere.
MICHAEL: Eagle eye it. Eagle eye it. Traditional grid search.
It is the Argentina Detour all over again for Michael’s grid search. His first case of eagle eye, though.
– Louie thinks Michael is walking too fast. Dan & Jordan enter Taittinger and get a lecture all about the route marker. There is a tiny village where the wine is made.
LECTURER: It is a castle. Like a big mansion.
Heh. They get lectured on what a castle is.
JORDAN: The lesson for this leg was never trust a pretty girl.
Sounds like a Probstism.
Apparently Jordan trusts her because he does not find her pretty.
– Brent is doing the Roadblock. Now for a funny visual.
No space, bro.
Touch muh body.
Jeff wishes his eyes remained forward.
– Brent uses the sabre to open the clue. He wishes he had a sabre. Caite is bummed that they did not get to taste the wine.
Wine > Beer such as alcohol
– Michael & Louie’s search may be fruitless, but yet Louie finds red and yellow grapes.
– Jeff & Jordan enter the winery. Jeff says he has to do it because Jordan is claustrophobic. However he is scary of doing the Roadblock.
JEFF (to the bearded fellow): You look like Santa Claus.
I love that they worked him into the episode after viewers undoubtedly noticed him.
JORDAN: It said cave. I don’t want to be stuck in a dark place.
“North Carolina is tough enough as it is being stuck with dark people.”*
Wait, that was a quote from Big Brother 15.
– Steve points out the mansion. Because their edit is extremely minimal, we immediately cut to Steve swerving before parking his car. No explanation as to what exactly happened. Allie cringes.
“Oh, that’s where I smuggled my bottle of wine! Last place they would look.”
– STEVE: We have to fix that.
– Steve & Allie enter the same building as Dan & Jordan did. Now they have to get back in their car. Allie can hear the plastic rubbing on the wheel. Steve has to hop out and fix it.
STEVE: I want you to get in and let it go as I pull on this.
ALLIE: You want me to move when your hand is right there?
– Jeff sabres off the cork and slurps the champagne.
Jeff is slurping an eight dollar bottle of champagne without even using a glass.
I wonder where all seven bottles of champagne go?
– Jeff & Jordan have the clue. Away they go. Steve & Allie continue fixing the car.
I guess producers prevented Allie from driving over her father’s hand.
ALLIE: If only we had scissors.
Yeah, I’m sure scissors would do the trick.
But somehow Steve thinks kicking it would. They think they need a new car.
And it works.
STEVE: My wife before the race threw it in my bag and said you can fix anything with duct tape.
However, bandaids are for chumps.
– Steve turns to the camera.
Is the camera operator Steve’s wife? This is an unforeseen twist.
– Jeff & Jordan receive directions and find out they must ‘go back’ to Reims. I wonder how much further they drove past it.
– Louie talks about their grid search.
MICHAEL: We won’t have to continue for much longer, my brother.
LOUIE: No way.
MICHAEL: Eagle eye. I never miss anything. It’s what I do. If I find crack in someone’s rear end, I can find grapes in a vineyard.
– Michael & Louie bring the harvest to the foreman and receive their next clue.
Things take an odd turn when Michael walks behind the foreman, frisks him, and finds French cocaine in his butt. Eagle eye!
– I should note Michael was right next to the grapes when he found it. He appeared to be two inches away.
– Because we have not had an equalizer since the start of the fourth leg, Michael & Louie are able to ride this out as they read they must head to the pit stop. L’orrca. The cultural administration for Champagne, France. This historic mansion is the pit stop for this leg of the race.
Unfortunately Phil has to sleep outside. No kiwis allowed.
– Michael & Louie re-enter the vehicle. Oh god, Michael will not shut up.
Germy Hands, they call me. Germy Hands.
If you are reading this blog, and know Michael Naylor in real life, please tell me if you do in fact call him Eagle Eyes in real life. I will most likely mail you ten bucks. You are not allowed to claim this prize if you are Michael’s immediate family.
– Jet & Cord find the same business centre of Taittinger as Steve & Allie and Dan & Jordan did. Back into the car they go.
CORD: People pay thousands of dollars to get the tour that we got to have today.
Yes, this fan favourite edit is being shoved down our throats. We now get “Endearing and Appreciative McCoys” as part of their evolving edit.
CORD: Three times we’ve been to the wrong town today. Getting used to it.
And this is an aspect of The Amazing Race that I have hated over the years. You rarely see teams have the opportunity to get lost several times in a leg and still finish strong nowadays. Pretty much you only see one team make a minor screw-up because of how linear the leg is and they are automatically out.
Here we have tricky route markers like Taittinger. Do you go to the vineyard or the business centre? What about all of the similarly named towns? How about not doing an equalizer for nearly three rounds? This is what TAR needs.
An actual race.
And besides, directions are the only time where Cord screws up. They have only lived in one town their whole life. They don’t even know the English word for champagne.
– Dan & Jordan are second to the Detour. They choose Tower. Guess what we find inside?
UH. NOTHER. F—. ING. BAND. This time it is a violin orchestra.
– JORDAN: My belief is that if you have a luck challenge or a skill challenge, you should always choose the skill challenge. We have seen a couple of champagne towers at barmitzvahs that we’ve been to.
– Carol & Brandy choose Terra.
CAROL: We just have to pick grapes?
Have fun with your eagle eye-less partner!
– Michael & Louie see the pit stop. Michael drives and comes to a quick stop in the parking lot.
– Louie & Michael proclaim their love for Phil. The pit stop greeter welcomes them to the mansion.
– Yes, we see the return of the French mime in the Bloodhound Gang’s Bad Touch, and in TAR Canada 2’s Paris leg.
And he also happens to be the mime version of Marilyn Manson.
FIRST PLACE: MICHAEL & LOUIE
Yes, the same sign as before. I wonder if he used his other hand if the opposing eyebrow would go up?
I ask Michael the same question.
– Phil says they have won a trip for two to Cancun, Mexico. Mayan Ruins tour and a fishing trip.
PHIL: The detectives have done it again.
Oh no. Don’t inflate their egos, Phil.
It’s a hat trick for you, fellas!
Yeah. Thanks Monty.
– Brent & Caite are on the road. Caite pulls out the note and shoves the note in front of young locals. Will they be eager to help somebody who is acting like a mildly douchey American?
Survey says no.
– Carol starts stuttering as she continues moving. She spots the grapes from two rows over. Now -that- is an eagle eye. Brandy proclaims Carol as possessing the best eyes. She also wonders if kids are happier around here because they grew up around champagne.
Or it makes them suppress their depressing family life because their parents are all drunks.
– Do you recall how Carol & Brandy showed up minutes after Dan & Jordan?
Well, Dan & Jordan are roughly halfway into their tower.
– JORDAN: Let’s go to the beat of the music.
DAN: We don’t need any music.
(Music tone changes.)
JORDAN: Oh! Sombre.
Dan after six rounds of listening to culturally-inspired classical music. He wishes he would have taken the saw from the Joan of Arc statue and used it against the violinists in the vineyards.
JORDAN: So basically they are telling us when it looks bleak.
Dan’s reaction to Jordan giving the music produced by the violinists a backstory.
– Steve & Allie are fourth to the Detour. They choose Terra.
STEVE: Hopefully these grapes pop out of me more than that curb did.
– Carol & Brandy see a police car. That is the perfect person to ask for directions. I doubt there is much crime in the Champagne region other than drinking and baguetting.
Imagine if Brandy was instead being pulled over by a cop for speeding? Could you conceive of a scenario where Brandy successfully charms any human being that she encounters?
– Guess who sees Carol & Brandy with the cops?
– CAITE: We can ask this cop.
BRENT: There’s the–that’s the Lesbians!
CAITE: Oh! The Lesbians!
BRENT: They’re pointing back that way.
CAITE: Let’s follow them. We actually caught up to the Lesbians.
BRENT: We’re awesome.
Even local law enforcement is trolling Brent & Caite. Them and Jeff & Jordan are just being humiliated at every French route marker this season.
– The music picks up as if there is a showdown. Carol & Brandy are at the mat and run. So do Brent & Caite.
Carol & Brandy are going to love who comes out from the top of the hill.
SECOND PLACE: CAROL & BRANDY
BRENT: We didn’t do a Detour. Taittinger. That’s what we’re looking for. Damn.
– Caite breaks out laughing as Brent knew something was fishy with doing this round so quickly.
Even the mime has the same reaction as somebody watching Caite’s Miss Teen America answer. Phil is just disgusted that he has to tell them to go get a clue for the second round in a row. In fact, combine this with the opening leg funicular folly and this is three times in six rounds where Brent & Caite have screwed up a route marker.
– Carol & Brandy are ecstatic as Phil silently tells them they are team number two.
PHIL: I’ve welcomed some strong all-female teams to the mat in the past. And I want to know? Are you gonna win this race?
BRANDY: Let’s not jinx it. We’re going to try our hardest, and I’m going to say, yeah, we’re going to win.
We’re going to win. . .as long as it does not involve compasses, anything physical, anything dirty, or anything that takes a long time to complete.
The best an all-female team has finished in fifteen seasons.
– Steve finds the grapes. Allie praises him for his eyes. They also pass Dan & Jordan.
– Jeff & Jordan enter Taittinger.
Well, their business centre. Fourth team to do that.
JORDAN: At least it has the same name.
– Caite points out the route marker. She may have the longest index finger ever.
I can promise you there was not any photoshopping. Her finger truly looks like this.
– They grab the clue. Brent wants to do Terra but Caite wants to do Tower. Caite does not get her way but does a lot of passive-aggression “oookay” and sighing in the process. Brent points out the glasses could break and fall.
– Brent is five rows up while he tells Caite to be five rows back is the strategy. Caite thinks searching for grapes in two acres is “absolutely stupid”.
So you should fit right in with the task, Caite. 😉
It’s not a pyramid! It’s a reverse funnel system! Do your research.
– Dan & Jordan have twelve levels. Dan does not understand how it could have three additional levels. Jordan is much more optimistic than Dan.
– Jet & Cord choose Terra because Cord has shaky hands. He must be twitchy from riding on a bull that wants to kill him one too many times.
– We see a team check into the mat.
THIRD PLACE: STEVE & ALLIE
Allie points out they even went to the wrong town. Steve has the perfect opportunity to tell a great story for Phil.
“Well f— you too, Steve.”
“And you’re not going to like the results of the breathalyser test either.”
– Jet & Cord are jogging through the lanes. Their strategy is to hustle as quickly as possible. They have already found it. Brent & Caite comment on Jet & Cord’s immediate success. All thanks to Cord.
CAITE: Do you want to build or do you want to keep looking?
BRENT: They found one. Babe, they found one.
CAITE: DO YOU WANT TO BUILD OR DO YOU WANT TO LOOK?! Answer my question.
BRENT: Damn, baby.
Such as alright, and the uh, alright.
– Brent is indecisive. Caite on the other hand is not.
CAITE: I think we should go build. We would have been done building.
– Oh god. The City Slickers music plays as Jet & Cord exchange their clue. Six down, twenty-five more to go. Dan & Jordan have definitely picked the wrong Detour option as they continue on with their bar mitzvah misadventures.
Dan’s confidence is not as high as the tower, I can tell you that.
The rattlesnake is flipping off the entire French nation.
– Brent has yet to agree to switching and thinks the grapes will be higher up.
CAITE: Whatever Brent. It’s all you.
Such faith in her teammate.
– BRENT: You make the bad decision.
CAITE: I’m not.
BRENT: Of course you’re not. Every time I make a decision you hat eit.
CAITE: Because all of your damn decisions are usually wrong.
BRENT: You’d rather not do nothin’ and tell everybody when they’re wong. You don’t want to be wrong.
– Dan & Jordan are done their tower, but must now pour their wine. It is a sixty pound bottle.
Stay strong, Mr. Pious!
Dan thinks they are both insane for making him try this.
– Before we witness the outcome, Brent & Caite are still searching. Caite wants to build. Brent agrees to listen and head back inside. Caite even micro-manages Brent’s tower building efforts.
CAITE: Just hand the glasses to me.
BRENT: I’ll just let you build this by yourself.
Oh my god. Caite has turned into both the biggest complainer and now super bossy. She is one shove away from being Jonathan Baker. She even has the same childlike antics. Brent repeats her efforts are perfect.
FOURTH PLACE: JET & CORD
– Both were scared by the type of day they had.
Top o’ the evenin’ to ya.
– We head back to the winery. How did Dan & Jordan do?
Wow. They really succeeded.
– Jordan thinks that bar mitzvahs across the world will be calling them to build champagne towers for them.
DAN: But we’re very expensive.
JORDAN: Very, very expensive.
JORDAN (drinking champagne): It’s delicious. Ohhhhhh.
Yep. Jordan experienced a champagnegasm.
A toast to being better than Brent & Caite and Jordan & Jeff. . .okay, maybe our toasts should aim higher.
“We got beat by the Nice Homosexual!”
– BRENT: From now on I’m just going to listen to every single word Caite says. We would have found the grapes by now, but I also would have had my ears chewed off for the past hour and twenty minutes. You have to have patience to take Caite.
Wow. Brent is matching Caite douchyness for douchyness. They are about to complete the tower.
CAITE (like a five year old): Stick it up there!
(Glass tips over on level 15 but she fixes it.)
“This means something.”
– Brent starts pouring the champagne.
CAITE: Look how pretty it is!
Monsieur Monkey Ears is nervous.
– The music picks up. Caite tells Brent to pour slower and higher.
Brent is now lifting the bottle higher. That means it is going to be off balance and pouring on more of a tilt.
The horror! Oh, the horror!
Sorry, -now- the best part is going to occur.
Brent steps off the stool and walks away.
– We get the first ever TAR instant replay. It’s not even a black and white flashback. We see a classic sports style instant replay.
Brent has zero interest in watching 680 champagne glasses preparing to be smashed.
BRENT: This sucks.
– Commercial. Only four minutes of airtime remain.
– We resume. Another instant replay. Brent leads Caite outside back to the Terra option. He is frustrated.
CAITE: It’s okay, baby. We did our best.
I swear Caite has multiple personalities.
– Jeff & Jordan are finally at the vineyard ten hours later after Jeff stopped Jordan to buy her a happy meal. In all seriousness, they are very happy to see another car at the Detour location. Dusk is now covering the landscape.
It is now the biggest showdown in reality history.
Brent & Such as the Iraq Caite vs. Dumbledore Jeff & Quarter-to-Say-What Jordan.
– Jeff & Jordan see Brent & Caite searching. Jeff thinks that it means Brent & Caite have been doing Terra for several hours, and thus decide to do the pyramid.
The power is up for grabs!
FIFTH PLACE: DAN & JORDAN
These guys are destined to be the lower middle pack.
– Caite is already doing her own eulogy.
CAITE: Things are meant to happen for a reason. We came in here without a million dollars perfectly fine. We can leave without a million dollars.
BRENT: Can you walk faster?
CAITE: Don’t have to be mean.
BRENT: I mean, just walk. Come on.
Heh. Brent does not deny being mean.
– Caite sees grapes.
BRENT: God! We should’ve stayed with this!
Sorry doesn’t save you from practically being eliminated by Jeff & Jordan!
– Jeff defends the nature of building a pyramid.
JEFF: It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to go up.
Er, maybe not.
I feel like there is something I should be saying at this point in the episode. Something that sums up Jeff & Jordan’s current position of despair. Brent & Caite are about to exchange their clue, and already know how to drive to the pit stop. Jeff & Jordan’s chances of surviving this round is approximately zero percent.
GAME. . .OVER!
– Caite apologizes, but both claim their love for each other. Jeff & Jordan search for the vineyards in the dark. Brent & Caite park their car.
PHIL: Brent & Caite. Pick a number.
BRENT: Number six for me.
Caite not thrilled by the way things are going.
There there, Miss North Carolina. Or South. Whatever.
– Brent now gives the most incorrect confessional of the race thus far.
BRENT: We started out this race really strong and in the front.
7th-4th-7th-7th-6th-6th? Did I miss something in there?
– CAITE: It’s really frustrating because (clenched teeth) I want to win this thing and it’s really annoying and I don’t want to be in last anymore!
Yes, she does the whole “speak while your teeth is clenched” like an angry sixth grader.
– They now need flashbacks at the Detour. Would Michael’s eagle eye be effective in the darkness?
JEFF: What are we doing this for? To teach kids to stay in school?
– Jordan eventually finds it.
Which is impressive considering it is pitch black outside.
JEFF: How pissed do you think Phil is?
I don’t know. I think he has seen teams show up 16 hours apart before. This is nowhere near worst case scenario for him.
– Jeff & Jordan magically appear on the mat.
Magic, you say?
Grief-stricken mime. He has evil thoughts of Shelley Moore.
– LAST PLACE: JORDAN & JEFF
– Phil informs them that their miracle underdog run is over. He hopes they can enjoy spending time alone for a little bit. Jeff refuses to complain about the experience. Him and Jordan are both grateful for the experience.
Between Alison & Donny and Jeff & Jordan, neither Big Brother team has made it past the halfway point. Both teams finished 10th and 7th respectively.
And tragically that trend will change.
Next Time on TAR: Teams fly to Sey-chiles. Er, Seychelles. And when Brent & Caite get rolling, Brent threatens to quit the race. Carol & Brandy had their own episode for two rounds, and now this is the second episode in a row where it will be all about Brent & Caite! Hooray!
Number of Episodes Where a Team is Specifically Mentioned in the Next Time On. . . Segment
CAROL & BRANDY: 2
JET & CORD: 2
DAN & JORDAN: 1
BRENT & CAITE: 2
And alas, Jeff & Jordan are eliminated from the race. I do not know why Jeff & Jordan had to cross over to The Amazing Race. It is like Family Guy doing their crossover with The Simpsons.
But the main differences are that it was completely unnecessary and made you realize that Big Brother has the dumbest contestants of any CBS competitive reality program.
Oh my god, Logi, crossovers are so lame!
Below is a list of all teams from seasons I have blogged to date, ranked by racing average.
e.g. Don & Mary Jean finished 9th, 8th, 8th, 8th, and 8th. Add up the numbers and divide it by the number of legs they have played.
Therefore their average is 8.2.
Bulls— Round One/Starting Line Eliminations
Eric & Lisa N/A
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A
— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0 TAR 4
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0 TAR 3
11th Adrian & Dana 11.0 TAR 16
11th Preston & Jennifer 11.0 TAR 14
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0 TAR 13
11th Ari & Staella 11.0 TAR 12
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0 TAR 11
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0 TAR 10
11th John & Scott 11.0 TAR 9
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0 TAR 7
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0 TAR 6
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0 TAR 5
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0 TAR 2
11th Matt & Ana 11.0 TAR 1
10th Edwin & Monica 10.0 Only team to finish last for the first two rounds of the race TAR Asia 3
10th Jody & Shannon 10.0 TAR Adventure 16
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0 TAR 9
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0 TAR 11
10th Neena & Amit 10.0 TAR Asia 3
10th A Black Family 10.0 TAR 8
— F +–
10th Steve & Linda 9.4 TAR 14
10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????) TAR 13
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.) TAR 7
11th Garrett & Jessica 9.5 TAR 15
10th Kate & Pat 9.0 TAR 12
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0 TAR 11
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0 May or may not be gutsy. TAR 2
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0 TAR 6
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF TAR 3
9th Marianna & Julia 8.33 TAR 12
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33 TAR 4
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2 Saved by NEL once TAR 6
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0 TAR 10
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0 TAR 1
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8 Yielded TAR 9
8th Marisa & Brooke 7.75 Sucked. TAR 13
7th Mika & Canaan 7.67 Why the heck did they sign up? TAR 15
9th Marcy & Ron 7.67 Bald. TAR 15
9th Isaac & William 7.5 TAR Asia 3
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33 TAR 5
8th Aiello Family 7.0 TAR 8
8th Singaporean Sophie & French Born Aurelia 7.0 (French Born Aurelia sadly does not know the English words for ‘team averages’. :/) TAR Asia 2
8th Tom & Terry 7.0 TAR 10
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0 R.I.P. Margaretta TAR 1
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0 Producers refused to hay bail them. TAR 6
10th Hope & Norm 7.0 TAR 2
7th Christie & Jodi 6.67 Saved by NEL–Became the Devil of Casting Later TAR 14
9th Brad & Victoria 6.67 TAR 14
7th Niroo & Kapil 6.75 TAR Asia 3
6th Maria & Tiffany 6.57 Saved by NEL once and Justin’s blunder again TAR 15
9th Rogers Family 6.5 R.I.P. Renee. TAR 8
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5 TAR 7
6th Henry & Terri 6.44 Used Their Yield; saved by a non-elimination round THREE times. R.I.P. Henry. TAR Asia 2
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43 Saved by NEL once TAR 1
9th Brett & Kinar 6.33 Rocky finish. TAR Asia 2
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 6.33 TAR Asia 1
8th Pailin & Natalie 6.33 TAR Asia 3
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25 TAR 9
7th Aja & Cabbie 6.2 TAR 13
7th Paul & Amie 6.2 TAR 1
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF TAR 4
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF Saved by NEL once TAR 10
8th Lance & Keri 6.0 TAR 15
9th Zev & Justin 6.0 Passport lost. TAR 15
10th Ernie & Jeena 6.0 TAR Asia 1
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0 TAR 4
6th Andre & Damon 5.86 TAR 3
7th Daichi & Sawaka 5.83 TAR Asia 2
7th Dave & Lori 5.83 Saved by NEL once TAR 9
5th Kami & Karli 5.8 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8 TAR 3
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8 TAR 2
7th Shana & Jennifer 5.8 Used U-Turn TAR 12
9th Heather & Eve 5.75 Legal team beaten by rule book. TAR 3
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67 R.I.P. Nancy. Saved by NEL once. TAR 1
7th Jeff & Jordan 5.67. Saved by a stupid Blind U-Turn once but dead next day. TAR 16
6th Gaghan Family 5.5 TAR 8
10th Alison & Donny 5.5 TAR 5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF TAR 4
8th Sahil & Prashant 5.4 FF. Beaten by a bunch of rules. TAR Asia 1
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36 Saved by NEL twice TAR 7
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF TAR 4
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33 TAR 5
9th Monique & Shawne 5.33 TAR 16. Praise Jesus.
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33 TAR 7
7th Gus & Hera 5.29 TAR 6
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25 Saved by NEL once TAR 11
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25 TAR 5
8th Lorena & Jason 5.25 U-Turned TAR 12
5th Mark & Michael 5.22 Saved by NEL once but came up just short TAR 14
3rd Andrew & Dan 5.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 13
7th Silver & Gold/ Wil & Grace 5.17 TAR 3
6th Kelly & Christy 5.14 TAR 13
7th Ray & Deana 5.0 FF TAR 7
7th Melody & Sharon 5.0. Screwed over by weird penalty for another team. TAR Asia 1
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 FF TAR 4
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 FF TAR 1
9th Mark & Bill 5.0 Wah. TAR 13
5th Fran & Barry 4.89 TAR 9
6th Howard & Sahran 4.88 TAR Asia 1
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85 – Yielded TAR 10
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF and saved by NEL once TAR 3
6th Mai & Oliver 4.8 In a car TAR Asia 3
7th Teri & Ian All Stars 4.83 TAR 11
7th Schroeder Family 4.75 TAR 8
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71 – Used Yield TAR 9
6th Brian & Greg 4.71 TAR 7
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70 TAR 10
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF and Used Yield and Yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 6
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67 TAR 10
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 6
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF TAR 3
8th Kris & Jo–er, Amanda 4.50 U-Turned TAR 14
5th Paula & Natasha 4.45 saved by NEL once TAR Asia 2
5th Uchenna & Joyce All Stars 4.33 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 11
8th Joe & Heidi 4.40 – Blind U-Turned with Injured Knee; TAR 16
4th Kisha & Jen 4.27 Saved by NEL once, U-Turned once TAR 14
3rd Brian & Ericka 4.25 saved by NEL once TAR 15
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF TAR 2
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23 saved by NEL once TAR 9
5th Gary & Matt 4.22 saved by NEL once and c—blocked once in Saunabuss TAR 15
3rd Nicolas & Donald 4.18 FF and U-Turned TAR 12
4th Linda & Karen 4.17 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
3rd Charla & Mirna All Stars 4.15 TAR 11
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.) TAR 2
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF and Used Yield TAR 8
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11 TAR 7
5th Andy & Laura 4.00 – Yielded TAR Asia 1
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF, saved by NEL, grew goatees TAR 4
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 2
2nd Jaime & Cara 3.92 TAR 14
2nd Pamela & Vanessa 3.92 TAR Asia 2
4th A.D. & Fuzzie 3.90 – U-Turned and saved by NEL once TAR Asia 3
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF TAR 2
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85 Saved by NEL twice TAR 4
1st Zabrina & Joe Jer 3.77 saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
2nd Sandy & Francesca 3.77 – Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
4th Diane & Ann 3.75 – Yielded TAR Asia 2
4th Jon & Al 3.73 TAR 4
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71 TAR 5
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 2
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF TAR 4
5th Kynt & Vyxsin 3.63 Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 12
1st Eric & Danielle All Stars 3.62 – Yielded Twice, saved by NEL once TAR 11
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF, saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
6th Mel & Mike 3.57 TAR 14
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56 TAR 6
3rd Ida & Tania 3.54 Saved by NEL twice TAR Asia 3
4th Joseph & Monica 3.50 – Yielded TAR 9
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46 TAR Asia 1
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46 – Used Yield and Yielded TAR 6
2nd Ronald & Christina 3.45 TAR 12
4th Nathan & Jennifer 3.40 – Never finished in 1st TAR 12
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 2
1st Chip & Kim 3.38 – Used Yield TAR 5
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF TAR 1
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
5th Terence & Sarah 3.25 TAR 13
1st TK & Rachel 3.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 12
4th Godlewski Family 3.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 8
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17 – Used Yield, saved by NEL once
2nd Sam & Dan 3.17 U-Turned Pointlessly TAR 15
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17 TAR 10
3rd Weaver Family 3.15 – Yielded Twice, saved by NEL twice TAR 8
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF TAR 4
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 7
4th Toni & Dallas 3.10 Still in Russia TAR 13
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF TAR 3
2nd Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 3.09 Used Yield and U-Turn TAR Asia 3
4th Herb & Nate a.k.a. Flight Time & Big Easy 3.09 TAR 15. Znarf!
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF TAR 10
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00 – Yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 7
6th Azaria & Hendekea 3.00 TAR 12
4th Hayden & Aaron Saved by NEL once 2.92 TAR 6
2nd Dustin & Kandice All Stars 2.92 – Used Yield TAR 10
2nd Bransen Family Saved by NEL once 2.85 TAR 8
1st Linz Family 2.77 – Used Yield TAR 8
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 1
–BEST OF THE BEST–
3rd Margie & Luke 2.75 Used U-Turn once TAR 14
5th Henry & Bernie/Bunn-Eh 2.75 – Yielded TAR Asia 3
8th Rob & Amber All Stars 2.75 – Used Yield, Choked TAR 11
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 3
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF TAR 3
4th Oswald & Danny All Stars 2.67 FF x2, Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 11
2nd Ken & Tina 2.64 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 13
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF, Yielded, and saved by NEL once TAR 5
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF TAR 2
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF TAR 1
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF, Used Yield, and saved by NEL twice TAR 9
1st Vince & Sam 2.45 FF TAR Asia 3
1st Nick & Starr 2.45 FF TAR 13
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF TAR 10
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF TAR 1
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38 TAR 6
1st Tammy & Victor 2.33 Used U-Turn Once TAR 14
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31 TAR 7
1st Adrian & Collin 2.23 FF TAR Asia 2
1st Meghan & Cheyne 2.00 FF TAR 15
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF TAR 9
lol 3rd Marc & Rovilson 1.46 Used Yield and Yielded TAR Asia 2
Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)
11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 10 + 11
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 3 + 11
18 legs Danielle 4.78 yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
19 legs Teri & Ian 4.63 FF TAR 3 + 11
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF TAR 1 + 11
20 legs Charla & Mirna 4.00 TAR 5 + 11
21 legs Joe & Bill 3.71 FF, saved by NEL thrice TAR 1 + 11
22 legs Uchenna & Joyce 3.64 FF x2, saved by NEL twice TAR 7 + 11
*31 legs Eric & Danielle 3.48 FF, yielded x3, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
23 legs Oswald & Danny 3.30 FF x3, used Yield, saved by NEL twice TAR 2 + 11
25 legs Dustin & Kandice 3.04 used Yield twice, saved by NEL once TAR 10 + 11
26 legs Eric 2.65 FF, yielded x2, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
17 legs Rob & Amber 2.41 Used Yield TAR 7 + 11
* I determined Eric & Danielle’s average in this last section by adding up all of their individual points from TAR 9, then adding up their total points in All Stars and dividing it by 31.
Rank the Teams
1) Joe & Heidi
A middle-aged Asian couple on The Amazing Race who love to compete and are nice people in general? Not only are they trash-talking a bit, but they can back it up a bit by finishing near the top in each of the first four legs?
This is a team that deserved a better way of being eliminated. Jon Gosse–dammit, I mean Joe Wang! Joe and Heidi really should not have been a team that is overall a footnote in TAR history. Being stuck as the only team -forced- to do an impossible Detour option while a team ten hours passes them was tough to see unfold. It showed us how imbalanced the design of the leg happened to be.
I will forever be amused that their guess of “The war is over” was incorrect after five hours versus the correct answer of “We will prevail. Viva La France”.
Okay, I loved the unintentional humour involving their last name. Particularly when Joe got hit in the groin by a llama or falling off a horse and onto his groin. Only reality TV editors dig that low standard of comedy.
Joe & Heidi were by no means the Golden Parent team of TAR 16. They did allow the “Mean Lesbians” Carol & Brandy to cut in front of several teams in the second round. Nearly every team was already hating Carol & Brandy except for the Rhode Island Rattlesnake Dan Pious. This incident combined with their high finishes is 99% of what led to their U-Turn by Michael & Louie who were most affected by the Chilean Line Cut.
Now to the knee injury suffered during the jump with Steve & Allie. Joe was truly crippled by this. I have stated it about twenty times in these two episodes, but I can guarantee you that after going through trenches that Joe would have to withdraw and forfeit by the end of the following round. His knee looked ruined when exited the trench. I cannot imagine him being able to walk to a route marker, walk some more, and ride a bicycle for a few miles without causing severe pain.
If there was any team with unfinished business from TAR 16, Joe & Heidi would be your peeps.
P.S. Joe & Heidi would have been a satisfying elimination for the viewers if not for them teaming up with Steve & Allie in the past two rounds.
P.P.S. Where are Steve & Allie? Seriously? This is getting ridiculous.
2) Jody & Shannon
Shannon may be one of the blandest people to ever be on The Amazing Race. I can honestly not recall a single word Shannon said in either of the two episodes. Her personality is as thin as her body.
Clearly, that is not why this team was cast.
After this season we only have one older team that comes to mind. Here in TAR 16 we are granted the oldest exception for the franchise as Jody Kelly runs the race at seventy-one. She competed in rowing, triathlons, half marathons, and does weight training on the side.
Sure, she would get beaten by TAR Ukraine’s Vladimir Valisenko by one year at the age of 72, but hey, did anyone follow TAR Ukraine? There was a season in 2013, but why wasn’t there one in 2014?
Jody also happened to be one of the most eloquent confessionalists in series history. There has never been a person in reality TV history who speaks more clearly and coherently than her. She needs to be given major props for that.
These two could have survived longer if they wished to do so, but there was zero competitive fire. It is like they chose not to race hard because they were afraid of hurting the other team’s feelings. If Adrian was able to get across that cable, Jody & Shannon would have slowed down like an adult racing their five year old niece.
Sadly, their inability to preserve a second-to-last place is what prevented them from making a reasonable run. They were certainly capable of it. Plenty of teams would have helped them if Jody & Shannon were willing to fight harder to stay in.
Instead Jeff Schroeder helps middle-aged males in physical shape get out of last place and ultimately beat Jody & Shannon by about five to ten minutes. Seriously Jeff, you must have known Jody & Shannon were in last. You really didn’t want to take the time to ignore Michael & Louie?
Just imagine a world where Michael & Louie, a team who proclaimed they would win all twelve legs, get eliminated by a 71 year old in the second round of the race following a ninth place finish in the premiere.
But that was not Jody & Shannon’s goal. They just wanted an adventure rather than a competition. Complete your run rather than win the run. This decision results in a very predictable finish for them.
We need somebody in their 70s who truly believes they can win The Amazing Race. That is what we need to see.
If only they fought for a better bus.
3) Jeff & Jordan
Jeff & Jordan benefited from a reality show where they have dumb opponents and twists that are rigged heavily in their favour. Coup D’etat? Porsche’s Pandora’s Box? It led to two of them finishing in the top five in BB11 as well as Jordan winning, and both making a deep run into BB13.
But The Amazing Race where Allison Grodner is not around to intervene? In the last three rounds that they play there is not a single equalizer. Perhaps an unprecedented stretch for TAR since the very first season. Jeff & Jordan are forced to play on the same level playing field as everyone else.
Yes, there was the Blind U-Turn, but that was not really biased against another team. Just an element of the race.
Bottom line: Jeff & Jordan had to play on an even playing field, and seemed to fall further and further behind with each subsequent round. The only time they did really well during the season was in the beginning when it was equalizer galore right before the Adrian Must Die Before You Can Paint a House and Win task.
After that they misread clues as much as Brent & Caite, find an early bus but fail to transfer to the correct bus station, get inside of taxis that take them to another continent, and just be slow to figuring out every single task thrown at them.
They hogged the airtime for the first 2 1/2 rounds, but their edit drops down for the next 3 1/2 rounds. Phil agrees they are underdogs at the end of fourth round when Jeff & Jordan are saved by non-elimination. So they become quiet underdogs who must rally, and get served with three episodes where they quietly start two to five hours after everyone else at the pit start to try and survive.
1. Get taken out of Hamburg by a taxi driver, fail at sauerkraut and switch as they are absolute dead last. Not eliminated thanks to a non-elimination.
2. Absolutely struggle with finding the baguette shop and Jordan not knowing how to crawl in a field. Joe & Heidi are screwed by a Blind U-Turn, and Jeff & Jordan are still hours and hours behind everyone else.
3. An equalizer has yet to be scheduled and they have built up such a deficit that it was impossible for them to catch up. Finally eliminated at the halfway point of the season.
Was it lazy casting to make Jeff & Jordan play? Yeah. CBS was trying very very hard to make them the new Rob & Amber. A couple who fell in love on one of their shows and find a big enough audience willing to be obsessed with them.
July-September 2009: Big Brother 11.
November-December 2009: The Amazing Race 13.
June 2010: Jeff Schroeder on Around the World for Free.
July-September 2011: Big Brother 13.
2012-2014: Jeff Schroeder hosting exit interviews for Big Brother.
August 2014: Jeff Schroeder proposing to Jordan Lloyd inside of the Big Brother 16 House.
September-December 2014: Jeff Schroeder conducting the Survivor: San Juan Del Sur live show.
If you asked me after Big Brother 13 that Jeff Schroeder would still be a big deal in the reality TV community, I would have not believed you. I thought the ship had long sailed. Their BB13 appearance reeked of desperation, but did have a fanbase. It should have been over after that. Even Boston Rob is done in early 2011 as well thanks to winning Redemption Island.
Will either of them be a contestant on Big Brother, TAR, or Survivor again? No. Jeff is practically a full time employee for CBS now. People like him, Parvati, Dr. Will, and Boston Rob definitely fill that role of those who are above reality TV and wish to be creating material behind the camera rather than in front of it.
In short, Jeff & Jordan’s personalities do not interact well outside of the Big Brother/trashier reality TV genre.
4) Adrian & Dana
She, uh. . .should have done the Roadblock.
5) Monique & Shawne
Monique & Shawne may be the most religious team I have seen on The Amazing Race since The Weaver Family. They were shown a little bit in the premiere where all they did was talk about Jesus. It is one thing for teams to be religious on The Amazing Race, but if it is incorporated into every action they take or every confessional where they speak, you are essentially giving editors zero footage to use.
Nobody wants to watch a show called The Amazing Sermon.
Them being invisible was not surprising because of this. It makes for rather boring television, and you wonder what was dynamic enough to put them on the race.
The other annoying thing about this team is that Monique did not physically prepare herself for the race, and producers were willing to cast her. Her and Shawne were both fatigued just three rounds into the game. You cannot fault Monique & Shawne for this, but rather producers should be ashamed for green-lighting a middle-aged all-female team who were out of shape.
Lastly, their early elimination qualifies them for being one of the least memorable minority teams in The Amazing Race history.
P.S. And they were the only obstacle to prevent Michael & Louie from suffering the biggest humiliation in The Amazing Race history. Boo.
Rank the Legs
1) San Carlos de Bariloche, Argentina -> Hamburg, Germany
Although it was edited out, the eight remaining teams were split amongst three different flights to Hamburg. Once they landed, they were given further choice by choosing between taxis, metro trains, and walking on foot to each route marker.
Freedom of choice in transportation is what all viewers miss in the TAR universe. Nobody wants to see a linear leg.
The teams were evenly divided between doing the Soccer and Sauerkraut Detour options. It is refreshing to see after an era of everybody completing the same dang option.
I also liked that the pit stop was in the Red Light District. Not every monument in existence is on the perimeter of the city in some fairy tale like landscape. They can be bars or clubs in questionable areas.
However, this round has some faults. The one-time return of the Intersection in the US franchise appeared pointless at best. Watching only one team check out of the pit stop, who also happen to be the stars of the season, really keeps many of the other teams hidden from the viewer.
Watching teams physically drained such as Joe’s knee injury and Caite’s hamstrings prove that the TAR experience is legitimate.
Watching Das Boot from Beerfest directly inspire a task was hilarious. I also appreciated a team being at the bottom of the pack in Nowheresville climbing to a first place finish was a breath of fresh air. Regardless of it being Michael & Louie, seeing a change of pace of “One Team Dominates All” since TAR 13 was good to see.
Yes, there is controversy surrounding the round finishing in the first Round of 8 non-elimination since TAR 6, and the fact it happened to save one of three teams production favoured going into the season.
This is by far the best leg design after four rounds. That is rare for a non-elimination round to beat out the first three elimination rounds.
Lastly, Vomiting Brent and Alcoholic Steve.
2) Les Monthairons, France -> Reims, France
What? No bus tickets? No being automatically sent to a route marker with other teams on a form of private transit arranged by production during the pit stop? This leg started from the pit stop and teams were completely on their own until the end of the leg.
Not a Non-Elimination. No equalizers. No taxis. It is all you from the time you check out to the time you check in.
What was great about this round is that we were finally introduced to Steve & Allie for the first time all season. Steve’s subtle alcoholism from round four was re-visited here in the champagne region. Seeing him fix a car with duct tape could not have been more Red Green.
Also, his uncorking skills are questionable.
I thoroughly enjoyed the comedy throughout the leg. The teams from the bible belt mixed up Noah with Joan of Arc. That was both hilarious and depressing. Is the American educational system really that bad?
The mime at the pit stop was creative. It seems pit stop greeters and judges have had wackier personalities of their own ever since TAR 12. Just a direction TAR has gone.
I liked Santa Claus helping teams enter the wine cellar at the Roadblock. Speaking of the Roadblock, that was the lamest part of the episode. It was the longest needle in a tiny haystack which made the task not only dumb like other needles in haystacks but pointless as well. The sabre wine uncorking did not have to be performed with any finesse which should have been made a TAR Canada-esque “you are not done until you do it in proper form”.
What if teams had to go into the hole, grab another bottle, and climb back up after each time they failed with sabreing the champagne cork? That would have been a much more compelling task.
The route markers mixing up their names with places in other cities helped make the day much tougher.
Producers finally tricked teams by having the needle-in-a-haystack task (searching for grapes) be much much tougher than the skill task. I personally wish the grape searching be replaced with brutal wine stomping or some exercise to match how awesome the wine tower pouring played out. I can watch a tower of 680 champagne glasses be on the brink of destruction all day.
Watching teams look for a vine of grapes? Not so much.
In short, the tasks were lame except for the champagne tower. The actual driving aspect and finding the route markers was much more intriguing.
Oh, and Jeff & Jordan were eliminated. Now we just need to eliminate Jet & Cord, Carol & Brandy, Michael & Louie, and Brent & Caite all before the Final Three.
3) Valparaiso, Chile -> Puerto Varas, Chile
The “most gruelling season ever” takes a huge step down in difficulty for this round.
Perhaps the biggest obstacle was for the racers to see Jeff & Jordan every twenty seconds. We did not see any of the other nine teams check out of the pit stop. The only drama with them was missing both buses in Temuco, but still being in the middle of the pack for the whole round.
The other obstacle was hearing the City Slickers theme repeatedly as Jet & Cord utter the phrase “oh my gravy” four times. Lone Rangers was uttered three times. References to their hat protectors was out of hand, too. Their sneaky little tactic to be the first bus into town is when they were the most popular team in TAR at the time.
The initial route marker of making teams two or more buses along with taking a car and a boat was one of the best in TAR history.
However, the tasks and driving to subsequent route markers were very quick. Jump off a pier or put a blanket on a llama? Go around a barn collecting eggs, flour, and milk a cow? Then drive straight for twenty minutes to the pit stop? That is really easy stuff.
I could watch teams get kicked in the body by llamas and cows on repeat. That was the only upside to it.
In short, the five different options teams took to get to the first route markers was great. After that it was ultra easy and simplified. A bit of a letdown, really.
Screw you Jeff Schroeder for helping Michael & Louie to get out of last place to beat Jody & Shannon. If only Jody & Shannon knew to buy tickets for a connecting bus as well.
4) Puerto Varas, Chile -> San Carlos de Bariloche, Argentina
Teams are provided with bus tickets at the start of the leg? Wow. That takes a huge part of the adventure away from the show.
Once in Argentina, Jet & Cord were treated to an episode all to themselves because the entire round was a freakin’ cowboy theme. Not since Family Edition have we seen such an extreme cowboy theme at play.
The first task was one hundred percent luck as teams sat in a chair waiting for their clue. All we saw was the dealer giving cards to a team and cards to a GNOME in a poker game. If a team beat the gnome, they received their clue. Some teams were unaware when their hand was better.
Once they had the clue, teams walked one hundred feet to the Roadblock task. They appeared to take anywhere between one minute to twenty minutes at the task.
When that was done they drove a short distance to a set of cliffs where the Detour awaited. This was the only challenging task of the round (unless you were Shawne). They had to choose between counting out steps on a coordinate, dig up a bag, and bring it to the train station or taking swings at a ball and getting it past a certain distance within nine shots.
The number of teams switching from the bag bandit task to the polo task must have been a TAR record for a Detour. In fact, Monique & Shawne switched from the polo task to the bag bandit task. Only Jeff & Jordan and Steve & Allie did not switch out of all nine teams.
Steve rolling in mud, Big Joe Wang falling off a fake horse, Monique exhausted from doing nothing, and Michael & Louie completing the Detour for another team were all hilarious moments.
Also, Michael & Louie have an average of 8.67 after three rounds. Only 7.67 points off the pace for being the best of all time.
And did anyone think it was a bit unfair that Brent & Caite were treated and given care for over three hours as they had plenty of time to catch a bus? Sure, Brent was terrible at directions and only a lasso saved him as Caite demonstrated her stick shift skills, but you can’t help but wonder what Monique & Shawne could have done with a bit of treatment.
Do you remember where you were when Monique & Shawne were eliminated? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
5) Los Angeles, California, USA -> Valparaiso, Chile
Compared to TAR 15’s premiere, this one is ten times better.
But compared to virtually any other premiere, this one is probably sub-par. One hour premieres with eleven teams are truly rushed.
Phil starts out the season with the dreaded “toughest season ever” tagline that we know all too well from TAR Asia 3. However, TAR Asia 3 nearly lived up to that tagline. TAR 16’s premiere? Not so much.
First off, teams were brought in on the same bus. Next? They had to get to LAX using public transit. Therefore, this was the cheapest ride to the airport in TAR history, and obviously meant that several teams would get to the airport simultaneously.
Another pointless twist was that only three teams would be on the first flight, and eight teams on the second flight. That makes zero sense because you are at much more of a disadvantage if eight teams are on the first flight, and only three teams on the second flight. If the first flight suffers any sort of delay, they will be at the biggest disadvantage of all.
And guess what? The first flight was delayed, and all eleven teams were forced to be on the second flight! This is the first time in TAR history that all teams left the United States on the same flight. I can’t get over that.
Thankfully the rest of the stupidity lies with the contestants. Jet & Cord exchanging money for a currency that has nothing to do with Chile, Adrian doing the Roadblock instead of Dana, Brent & Caite refusing to read, Jordan Lloyd beating everyone, Steve & Allie painting the inside of a stranger’s house, and Michael & Louie humiliating themselves.
There was an unaired route marker prior to arriving in Valparaiso. I guess a neat castle was too much for 42 minutes. Instead we needed to listen to Jeff Schroeder’s commentary and laugh at Adrian in the process.
Dana & Adrian were heavy favourites entering the season because not only were they superfans, but viewers thought they would be like Chip & Kim or Uchenna & Joyce. I know. That’s a disturbing way of thinking.
They led most of the way until Adrian decided to do the Roadblock. The first hurdle of the season and they were nowhere close to achieving it. I personally think Dana & Adrian were doomed to go early despite this blunder. Adrian and Dana both sounded fatigued even before the Roadblock. I think him or Dana would have experienced a serious injury within the first couple of legs. They would not have held up physically for twelve legs.
So far “toughest race ever” is proving to be “least expensive race ever” after the premiere.
6) Hamburg, Germany -> Les Monthairons, France
What were producers trying to accomplish with this round? Every team stayed in the exact same position except for Joe & Heidi who suffered a Blind U-Turn.
Why did teams need to be driven to the pit start across two countries? Couldn’t they just have allowed teams to check out in Hamburg (even outside of the Red Light District for safety reasons), and make them drive across into France? The legs where teams have to self-drive for several hours show teams who have a good sense of direction versus those who do not.
This leg was perhaps the first post-premiere leg in any season to not have a Roadblock. They started out by driving about a half hour to the baguette shop. From there it was a WWI re-enactment in a spot with a Speed Bump, U-Turn, and a Detour combined. From there they walked for roughly ten to twenty minutes to a bicycle task which was a fifteen bike ride from the pit stop.
In other words, it was an extremely short leg. What was worse is that all teams chose a Detour option that was ten times easier than the other (trench crawl versus Morse code). The Morse code task was difficult enough that all teams in franchise history would have struggled for several hours except for Jim & Misti.
What was worse about this leg is that the previous round was a non-elimination but this round was not. In other words, a Speed Bump meant nothing unless you were the one U-Turned and forced to do the Morse code.
It is painful that Louie & Michael thought eliminating a team who was well on their way to a medical evacuation was a team needed for immediate ejection. Did you not see how much ice Joe needed? The guy was going to be stopped very soon. Gus McCleod from TAR 6 could have moved faster than him.
So pissed. This leg could have been so much more rather than an ultra linear 42 minute World War 1 re-enactment while teams do not know which war it is and having to sit through listening to Jeff & Jordan, Brent & Caite, and Brandy.
Although I did appreciate a break from Jet & Cord. Thank God.
I am also the co-host for an Amazing Race 25 podcast each week. Wanna give it a listen?