The Amazing Race 16 episode 5 ranking

Fifth episode

“You Put Your Left Knee in, You U-Turn It, and Wang It All About”

ludacris

For some reason, he was not the greeter at the Red Light District pit stop. Oh well.

COUNTRIES VISITED

CHILE – ARGENTINA – GERMANY – FRANCE – SEYCHELLES – MALAYSIA – SINGAPORE – CHINA – UNITED STATES

Previously on TAR: Eight teams raced from Argentina to Hamburg, Germany. When teams joined forces at an Intersection, Dan helped Brandy take the plunge.

While Joe’s knee flared up, Jeff got fired up. Detectives Louie and Michael ate, drank, and were merry. Jordan & Jeff came up short but got a second chance.

Eight teams remain; who will be humiliated in this blog. . .next?

Number of Episodes Where a Team is Specifically Mentioned in the Previously On. . . Segment

JET & CORD: 2
BRENT & CAITE: 2
HEIDI & JOE: 1
JODY & SHANNON: 1
DAN & JORDAN: 2
JEFF & JORDAN: 2
DANA & ADRIAN: 1
CAROL & BRANDY: 2
MONIQUE & SHAWNE: 1
JOE & HEIDI: 1
LOUIE & MICHAEL: 1

How are Michael & Louie first?

germany louie michael 10

gumshoe-laughing(b)

detective fulbright

You would think these two were more like fellow Detectives Gumshoe and Fulbright in the first three rounds of the game.

colombo

And now here we are in round four and we have to treat them like freakin’ Columbo. What is this season coming to?

– Phil introduces us to Hamburg as the musical city that launched The Beatles in 1960. Fifty years later and it is still standing.

– During the pit stop teams boarded a bus in Hamburg, Germany and traveled to an unknown destination.

france teams

Which makes it the first pit stop since the end of TAR 13 where teams were allowed to interact with one another.
france bus

I am sure teams are thrilled to be riding on a bus during their rest period.

– This used to be something only seen in old school TAR seasons or TAR Canada 2. Transporting teams to a different city and/or country would happen once every other season.

– Part of me is wondering why producers needed to do it this round out of the blue. Is it because there would have been too many flights for teams to the next location, and logistically this made things easier for producers? I would love to ask producers about this.

– Jeff gets to speak first as he recaps the upcoming Speed Bump for him and Jordan.

france jeff jordan

In TAR 16 they were newly dating. Does that make them newly engaged for TAR 26?

– JEFF: I’m almost guaranteeing we are coming in last this leg.

The keyword is “almost”. There is something that is preventing him from guaranteeing it. Probably has to do with that Speed Bump.

– Speaking of bumps, we re-visit the Wang family’s nagging injury.

france joe heidi wang

Every Wang knows that to alleviate stress on the body is to put ice on it.

The knee won’t affect him, though.

Ain’t no thang but a chicken wang
Lightin up in the Red Light District with Mary Jane
With Pimps, Mac Daddies in East Hamburg
Hangin’ Out With the Beatles in the Joint

– Joe says he can do fine running with one leg.

terry fox

Truth.

– Furthermore, Joe adds that no other team will hold him back in addition to his injury.

france joe heidi wang 2

france louie michael

Detective says ‘what?’

– JOE: I’ve been running with one leg. Imagine what I can do once it heals.

– Michael of all people prepares to blast Joe in a confessional.

MICHAEL: Joe is making himself more than he is. He’s a confident guy, and confident guys got to go. I’m going to give him a reality check and let him know there’s some competition in the game.

france louie michael 2
Oh my word. Michael wins one leg and is already passing judgment on which teams he will eliminate and which teams are allowed to stay.

I noticed this the first few rounds, but Michael dresses like a 20-year-old frat guy. He wears that same outfit of a short-sleeved shirt underneath a long-sleeved shirt underneath a short-sleeved shirt. And the hat backwards. What’s next? He is going to start playing Ultimate Frisbee with Louie?

– You know what gets to me about Michael? He barely beat Adrian & Dana, and a 70-year-old woman, and two out of shape mothers. Barely.

france joe heidi wang 3

And now he’s picked a fight with the only male who has half of his leg submerged in ice. What’s next for Michael & Louie?

carissa gaghan 3
Trash talking Carissa Gaghan and making her cry in Family Edition?

– Heidi adds that her and Joe have still been placing in the top three regardless of the bad knee.

LOUIE: I need some quiet please.
EVERYONE laughs.
MICHAEL: Heheheh. . .that’s great.

Wow. That is the most out of place sequence I have heard in a while. There is no way that was in response to Joe & Heidi’s statements.

– So where are teams going?

france les monthairon

Yes. France. It appears to be similar to the region visited in TAR 4. TAR has visited France in seasons 1, 4, and 10. It is not a popular one of the European countries.

france louie michael 3

Louie & Michael have not been told yet where they are located. Michael “thinks” it is France.

Seriously? You were in a bus and did not look at the road signs as you headed west while driving? If you were going south, you would be in Switzerland. If north, you’d be in the water. If heading east you would be in the Satellite states.

This is 1989 Simpsons inspired French vineyards, my friend. Over the top French music plays too. What is this? A Woody Allen film?

– Michael & Louie depart at 9:35am. They read they must drive themselves to Ste. Menehould and find Boulangerie Defontaine and buy a French baguette to receive their next clue.

LOUIE: Drive yourselves to St. Man Ho.

Oh, Louie.

– Phil really Americanizes the pronunciation of baguette.

france baguette

At least. . .I hope that is a baguette.

– Michael brags about their police schedules being in sync with the race. They know when to sleep and get through a day without showering.

MICHAEL: Go through the day without a full meal? We live that life every day.

Sadly the physique suggests otherwise.

– Michael & Louie comment on the nice cars (nicer than the German cars?) and pull over to ask for directions. They love their luck of running into a postal truck.

france louie michael 4

That’s right you ordinary f—ers, Louie & Michael have the French postal service on their side. What the f— do you have? Just a mid-tier starting point at best and the peasantry of Les Monthairons to guide you through the vineyards of France.

– MICHAEL: Luck of the Irish.
LOUIE: I’m Italian. We don’t take the Luck of the Irish right now.

– Steve & Allie depart second at 9:55am. This is only the second time we see them at the pit start all season long. The way Allie says ‘baguette’ grinds my ears.

– Steve says he is 57 and the oldest one left in the race (did anyone expect Jody to last past round two?).

STEVE: Until I look in the mirror I feel like I am 27 years old.
ALLIE: So far he’s rocking it.
STEVE: Do you know what a baguette is?
ALLIE: A long piece of bread. You didn’t know that?
STEVE: I knew it. Just making sure you knew it.
ALLIE: . . .You didn’t know.

france steve allie smith

It’s okay, Steve. I wasn’t familiar with sauerkraut, but I am rockin’ it too.

Until I look in the mirror and confirm I am 23 years old.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This is the only screen cap I have of Steve for the whole episode. One out of 170 or so. No joke.

– Joe claims ‘5’ is Heidi’s lucky number. She opens the clue at 10:11am  and is excited that they will be picking up fresh bread. Wow, she is a mother. She describes their unconditional love for one another that no other teams remaining have.

france fog

There may or may not be reduced visibility in the French countryside.

– Jet & Courd commence in fourth at 10:36am. They are excited to receive twenty dollars for this leg. Cord commends Jet for his new car.

france car

For once it is not a Chevrolet vehicle.

JET: We were on a bus last night from Hamburg to here.

france jet cord mccoy

CORD: Yep.
JET: Wherever here is.

france jet cord mccoy 2

They don’t see a light flashing yellow so that rules out one possibility.

– Jet & Cord discuss the clue inside of the car.

CORD: Buy a fresh. . .bag-wet. I don’t know what that is.
JET: I think it’s a fresh pastry, Cord. I hope we get to eat it.
france jet cord mccoy 3

They make fresh pastries out of wet bags?

wetjet

WetJet Airlines must now change once in France.

bagwet jet

Bagwet Jet.

– Carol & Brandy start fifth at 10:44am.

CAROL: How many languages have we butchered?

Spanish, German, French, and English. So four.

BRANDY: We’ve decided it’s us against. . .theeeeem. So as a united front we will do well if we’re not at war with one another. We’re at war with them.

france carol brandy

neil degrasse tyson

We got a badass Lesbian over here.

– Brandy cites her high school French and it combining with her recent Spanish use as Franglish.

– Dan & Jordan begin in sixth at 10:57am. Jordan & Dan cheer when they discover the car is automatic. Woo hoo!
france dan pious

But Dan is still driving, anyway.

– Jordan hopes the baguette is less than the twenty dollars provided. He also says that they are strictly playing “their game”. Their brilliant game is to “just not get eliminated”. Groundbreaking, really.

– Michael uses his investigative skills that they are likely entering a baker’s shop. The baguette part must have tipped him off.

– They enter the shop.

france food

Before Instagram fully developed their foodpron hashtag, there was baker’s shops.

– Michael & Louie celebrate that they approached the correct man named “Defontaine” in the shop.

france defontaine

Maybe because his name was on his uniform AND he is the only man inside of the shop?

– Michael asks if the man has a clue as Mike breaks open the baguette. After an awkward pause he sees the clue inside of the broken baguette.

france la main de massiges

Now time for your next bit of sleuthing, gentlemen.

– They must drive themselves to that next location to receive their next clue. When they exit the store they make a startling discovery.

france defontaine 2
Eh, who’s going to notice?

– Louie & Michael walk the streets just repeatedly praising the baguette they hold in their hands, and discuss how fresh it is.

france louie michael 5

Luckily they broke the cop stereotype and did not go for the doughnut waiting at the bakery.

– Louie thinks it is a massage place. Michael believes that is a bit too easy.

– Steve & Allie are driving, but we quickly shift to Joe describing the location as a “bagel” place. We get treated to him limping on the streets as Heidi is several feet ahead asking for directions. He complains that  his knee needs to warm up.

france joe heidi wang 4

I think Joe needs to have his knee be a bit more flaccid in movement.

– Heidi yells out to allies Steve & Allie that they know where it is. She tells us how the two teams are looking out for each other. Both teams have a baguette. Joe’s knee does not affect his brain as he solves the baguette clue riddle.

– Heidi says it was worth it just to pick up the bread.

– Brent & Caite are seventh to depart at 11:36am. It is embarrassing a team beat them by nearly two hours. Brent discusses their third consecutive seventh place finish, and their ability to barely hang on. They get directions from a store owner.

france brent caite

CAITE: He said just to continue straight down. . . .this road?

france brent caite 2

The important thing is that she tried. I cannot really understand the French either, and I took French all the way through high school!

– Brent & Caite say they are doing great overall but just need to figure out where they are going and pay attention to details.

CAITE: After the freakin guy hands us the baguette, I’m just gonna eat the crap out of it and shove it in my throat.

france caite upton

The first person ever to accidentally eat their clue in The Amazing Race history. Who knew it would be a Miss USA contestant?

–  Louie & Michael reach the route marker. They find the most intimidating sight possible.

france military

france military 2

Why, the French military of course!

– Michael & Louie park. They walk to the clue box. It is a Detour. We also see a Speed Bump in the shot.

france louie michael 6

That’s right. They are already at the Detour and Speed Bump before Jeff & Jordan have checked out of the pit stop.

“In the Trenches or Under Fire”. Yep, a World War I themed task.

france soldier

Unlike John Vito from TAR 3, this guy can wink with his left eye.

france soldier 2

The entire French army.

france plane

Is the Red Baron inside?

– Phil discusses this strategic hill was coveted by the Germans but fiercely defended by the French. Teams must help their French brothers and “pick their own battle”. Ah, clever one Phil.

france phil

The only thing less intimidating than the French army is the Kiwi army. Colonel Baggins can only do so much.

In In the Trenches (yes, Phil repeats the word ‘In’, teams), teams climb into trenches and choose a communications area. Then with the battle raging around them and a field manual for reference, they must translate a message being sent to them using Morse code.

france morse

Hello, Survivor: Palau.

– In Under Fire, teams must get on their bellies in a muddy field booby-trapped with barbed wire.
danielle fish

This is different than Eric telling Danielle to get on her booby in a belly-trapped field.

– They must then crawl one hundred yards to the machine gun desk. As the battle rages, they must receive a message from a French soldier and crawl back to safety. In both Detours, they must attach their message to a homing pigeon who will relay that the war is over. Once the homing pigeon is away, teams will receive their next clue.

And this is a war that took over five years to resolve?! TAR teams are going to end it in less than thirty minutes.

france pigeon

The original Hedwigs.

– Michael & Louie note that there is a U-Turn ahead. Seeing how it never aired when Lance & Keri used it unsuccessfully last season in round three, we may get a relevant use this round.

Can we all note how dumb it was for TAR 15 to have only one U-Turn, and how it occurred in the third round of the season? Do you know how rare it is for a U-Turn to even be used at all in the third round? In TAR 6 everyone skipped out on the round three Yield and only used it for the later rounds of the season.

– Michael & Louie decide to change into uniforms and go into the trenches. They comment on the tight outfit. Louie compares himself to The Hulk. Editors repeat Michael noting the U-Turn.

france michael naylor
He looks like a toy soldier.

– Back to the baker’s shop where Dan & Jordan and Carol & Brandy have caught up to Jet & Cord at the baker’s shop. Jet makes a bet with Cord.

france jet cord mccoy 3

Jet is either going to be right or Jet has a real lack of respect for French women who look like Meaghan Mikkelson from TAR Canada 2.

natalie and meaghan
See?

– Jet struggles to unravel the scroll for the clue. He has to give up and hand it to Cord who unravels it instantly.

france jet mccoy

Rolled up paper can be tricky!

france jet cord mccoy
We only have one piece of paper where we live, and it is completely flat!

france jet mccoy 2

They also don’t teach Jet proper dinner table manners either.

– Brent & Caite think that it is cool for the clue to be inside of the baguette. Caite is loving the baguette, and is happy it does not have crazy crap in it.

france brent horne

Brent is not sure if it is food or a cigar.

– Steve & Allie -again-. They arrive at the Detour with Joe & Heidi.

JOE: Let’s crawl.
HEIDI: But your knee–
JOE: I can crawl. When did you last study Morse code?
HEIDI: Never.

They also note the U-Turn. Steve & Allie think Morse code would be tough.

– Commercial. We resume with a twenty second series of clips of the war re-enactment without being shown another team.

france pilot

That person is either going to be the perfect match for Snoopy and the Red Baron. . .

recess swinger girl

Or be the first person to swing through to the other side of the swing set.

– Okay, here is my favourite part of the re-enactment.
france explosion

Now you see them. . .

france explosion 2

Now you don’t!

Do producers realize how over-the-top that was? It is a gross exaggeration that belongs in a Mike Myers film.

– Louie wheezes before they begin crawling under the trenches. A huge explosion sets off near them.

france trench

Because this is a war re-enactment, I am expecting the Weaver family to finish first.

LOUIE: You see the planes and the bombs exploding and the noise everything around you, it’s a lot like what you do as detectives.

How? How is raiding a house as a detective and investigating suspicious people anything like watching dogfights and bombs explode every two seconds? How?

france louie michael 7

Wow. This is a conversation that two middle-aged police officers are having. It would be different if this was a Brent & Caite or Jeff & Jordan conversation, but the two most likely people with knowledge of the World Wars are confusing World War II with the days of trench fighting.

– How foggy is the pit start?

france fog 2

Just a bit.

– Jeff & Jordan depart last at 12:16pm. If you want to see what they were doing on the bus during the rest period, subscribe to the live feed!

– Jeff says they are the best and believes the other teams are gunning for them. Jordan is starting to believe they are the best too. Oh, and another recap of their Speed Bump.

JORDAN: I don’t understand these streets. They’re all the same.
JEFF: I don’t understand.
JORDAN: This isn’t right.
JEFF: Keep going left. Stop!
JORDAN: This takes us back to where we are.
JEFF: We can’t get outta this town.
JORDAN: We’re so behind. There’s no way we can catch up!
That’s right. Jeff & Jordan have been stuck in a French roundabout.

– Commercial. We resume.

france jeff jordan 2

The biggest threats in the game are stuck in a roundabout.

– Jeff & Jordan finally figure things out after Jordan defends her driving, and Jeff directs them out of the city.

– Do you know why I think Survivor Sucks is attending this task?

france louie michael 8

So close to hitting your target, Sucks.

MICHAEL: I hate the smell of sulphur in the morning.

france louie stravato

Doesn’t want to play Soldiers anymore.

– Louie comments on how awful his cardio is. He was happy Michael was there to motivate him. Louie is ready to vomit all over the trenches. I am ready to screen cap it.

– Joe & Heidi and Steve & Allie are both walking to the trenches. Heidi asks Joe about his knee. Oh god. Wangs and Knees.

– Michael & Louie reach the machine gun soldier.
france soldier 3

Alright, there has been some crazy fighting. I wonder what this soldier has to say?

france soldier 4
Breaking the news of the war being over could not be disseminated in a more casual fashion.

– They must move some more but must pause due to Louie’s exhaustion.

france louie stravato 2
We’re losing him! Give him coffee and doughnuts, stat!

–  Steve comments that the Red Baron is in the air. Heidi is amazed that this is like a real war. I wonder how Joe is doing with the crawl entirely on his knees. He says he has kids at home and used to play Horsee with them a lot. I have no idea what Horsee is, but I guess he gets down on all fours and the kids sit on his back.

– Michael & Louie are crawling back as they see the other two teams. Michael poses as he waits for Louie.

france michael naylor 2

Hogged enough airtime yet, Michael?

– Michael gives words of encouragement Family Feud style as he runs into the other two teams.

france louie michael 9

Apparently Michael refuses to acknowledge women.

france michael naylor 3

Michael’s thinking face after he encounters Joe.

– We hear Louie coughing like he is in the final step before vomiting. Sadly we cut to Carol & Brandy and Dan & Jordan arriving at the Detour.  Both teams choose trenches.

CAROL: Ew, we’re going to get filthy.
redman

Filthy. Dirty. Too dirty to clean our acts up!

– Carol chooses the trench task -before- realizing she will be filthy? What trenches has she been to?

– Just when you thought it was safe to go into the trenches, Jet & Cord show up to the Detour in sixth. Their lowest position since the first round. Jet admits that he does not know Morse code.
santiago jet cord mccoy

We only know one piece of Morse code, and it’s flashing dashes.

– I like how the Detour blatantly favourited one of the two options. Do you want to do a full-on re-enactment and crawl through a series of trenches while a bunch of nasty explosions occur around you. . .or do you want to sit idly by and figure out Morse code?

– Michael & Louie release a pigeon and receive their clue. They are told to go south.
france south

Do I follow the ‘N’ to go south or do I follow the ‘S’ to go south? This is tricky biz.

– Michael, much like Joe, has a compass on his watch. Just like Heidi Strobel, he knew instantly how to head south.

– Michael & Louie are at the Blind U-Turn board. Phil jumps in to explain the U-Turn twist for the first time since TAR 14. Since this is a Blind U-Turn, the person who uses it can do so in an anonymous fashion. This is reminiscent of how things are done in France at night and Hamburg’s Red Light District.

france phil keoghan

Phil could U-Turn somebody and nobody would ever know.

u turn weeds

“Only one person is allowed to U-Turn here, player!”

– Louie pitches two ideas.

france louie michael 11

Which are two really dumb ideas.

– Michael claims it is Louie’s call.

Proposed Option #1: U-Turn Joe & Heidi. A team that has an injury which is inching closer and closer to a race forfeiture. Joe’s knee is doomed to be absolutely wrecked by the end of the trenches task. Did you see how much ice he needed during the bus ride? Knee injuries never recover on The Amazing Race. It is perhaps the most vital part of your body to be healthy unless you tear an achilles heel.

Proposed Option #2: U-Turn Steve & Allie. A team that has been strong since the beginning, and stay so cool under pressure that editors have not been showing them until this round.

The Actual Correct Option: Don’t use the U-Turn because YOU ARE IN FIRST PLACE AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW IT WAS YOU!!!! Seriously. Joe & Heidi has their closest allies ahead of them and Michael & Louie. Who the heck are they going to think U-Turned them?

A first place team should never use the U-Turn unless there is a team near the bottom that they want to give the fatal blow.

MICHAEL: While we were at the mobile pit stop we heard Joe talking and saying he as no fear in any of the other teams here.
LOUIE: He needs to be knocked off his pedestal and humbled.

france joe heidi wang 5

Michael & Louie read waaaay too much into this statement.

france joe wang

A shiver crawls down Joe’s spine.

france michael naylor 4

And in a mildly offensive gesture, Michael slaps on Joe & Heidi’s poster on a SLANT. That’s right. It is the most slanted U-Turn sticker placement ever.

And the fact it happened to the Asian team of all teams is innocently offensive. Eleven seasons of Yield and U-Turn stickers and this is how we have progressed.

MICHAEL: I didn’t come here to make friends.

*facepalm*

– Michael reads they must march to the Church of Massiges.

– Brent & Caite are on their way to the Detour when they see the planes. Once again Caite comments on the “way coooool” views.

BRENT: Look baby they’re up in some sort of flying thing.

france plane 2

You mean. . .a plane?

– Brent & Caite choose to crawl. Caite thinks she is about to model some army clothes.  Dan & Jordan commence marching.

JORDAN: Should we pretend the army is chasing us so we can walk a bit faster?
DAN: Sure, I will if you will.

Wow, that strategy really worked.

– Carol’s shoe is untied as Jet & Cord pass her. Hilarious.

– Dan prepares to violate the twenty second rule as Jordan complains he cannot run faster.

JORDAN: Shut up, you proved your point.
DAN: You said you wanted to run!
JORDAN: I said I wanted to jog. Not prove I can outrun Jordan in a World War 1 race. I wanted to move faster like we were being chased. I wanted to jog a little faster.

This sounds like a fifth grade recess argument on the playground. They are play-fighting war and did not agree to the terms of combat. Hilarious.

DAN: You find this funny?
JORDAN:  I’m finding this to be so much fun right now.
DAN: You’re such a tool.

france dan jordan pious
Ah, and in true playground fashion, they make up in about two seconds.

– Jet & Cord enter the trenches. More machine guns firing at planes. Brandy is complaining about the task upon entering the trenches.

CAROL: This is the physical versus the needle in the haystack.

Morse is a needle in a haystack? Since when is skill a question of luck?

france carol brandy 4

Participating in a World War 1 re-enactment is just taking things too far!

– Steve & Allie and Joe & Heidi both continue through. Joe is leading Heidi and asking “Pow” to go faster.

Since when is Pow the pet name for Heidi?

– JORDAN: Damn. Stop shooting at us! They keep firing at us! I don’t really understand why?

Dan’s answer from taking history in high school?

france dan jordan pious 2

Has NO ONE taken a history class about the World War?

– While seven teams are completing the Detour, we have one team who has yet to reach the first route marker. Yes, we head back to Jeff & Jordan’s leisurely drive through the French countryside.

– Jeff sees the sign for Menehould. He wants Jordan to park. She says it would be a waste of time to walk all the way through town. He states that neither of them know where the route marker is located. Sure enough they start walking through an entire freakin’ town.
allison grodner

Seriously. They need her help.

– Jeff finds it nearby. He asks for a baguette and a clue.
france jeff schroeder

The baker points to the baguette and trying to communicate the clue is inside.

– Jeff is behaving much like the Argentina bandit Detour as he does not understand the clue. He sets down the baguette and reads the clue multiple times.

JEFF: Is this the right place?

france jeff schroeder 2

The baker points to his name tag. Probably because Jeff is ready to pound his face in with a baguette.

Okay, that’s not it.

JEFF: Buy a fresh baguette. Is this a fresh baguette?

france jeff schroeder 3

It’s a bakery. As if he would dare sell stale baguettes to you.

france jeff schroeder 4
Eat the baguette like a carrot?

france jeff schroeder 5

Ah! There we go!

ELAPSED TIME: 12 MINS 41 SECS.

– Jeff & Jordan exit the bakery. Jordan comments on the task while eating the baguette. Luckily TAR supplies us with subtitles in these tricky situations.
france jeff jordan 3

F— you. Some guy had one job: Produce subtitles. And on this day he decided to troll the audience.

“Oh, you’ll get subtitles. But guess what? F— you!”

It’s not like what Jordan says when she does not have any food in her mouth makes sense anyway.

This lazy spell of subtitles is equivalent to the musicians who took over producing Survivor soundtracks from Russ Landau.

– Steve & Allie have a pigeon and release it. They have their next clue and head down the road. Joe & Heidi are done. He elaborates upon the constant pressure being applied to his knee. He is also making a move.

– Steve & Allie (well, just Allie because Steve has bad eyes) see that Joe & Heidi were U-Turned. They wait for Joe & Heidi to break the news to them.

france joe heidi wang 6

Boom. Roasted.

JOE: I never even imagined we would be U-Turned.

france joe wang 2

The biggest injustice is that somebody disrespected Joe & Heidi’s poster enough to slap it on in the sloppiest way possible!

– Commercial. We resume. Allie comes to a grand realization.
france allie smith

If you’re third, and we’re second, and we see all other teams behind us, then the only team who could U-Turn you was. . .

– Heidi says she is shocked that Michael & Louie Blind U-Turned them because she thought there was a good report between the two teams.

petrohue bus

Does she not remember that she allowed Carol & Brandy to cut in front of Michael & Louie in line leading to a nasty argument? In the first five rounds, you are the only team to do anything nasty to another team other than Carol & Brandy’s behaviour towards Brent & Caite.

But guess what? Brent & Caite and Carol & Brandy are dealt as huge jokes. You would be the default choice.

– The question is if this is the first time a first place team has used a U-Turn or Yield on the race. Anybody care to research that?

– JOE: I cannot wait until it is my turn to give them some difficulties on the race.
france joe heidi wang 7

The Wangs refuse to shrivel up! They will be bangin’ it out until the end.

– Michael & Louie are at the church. They read they must pedal themselves to victory. Inspired by the 1903 Tour de France, they must ride traditional bicycles through a four mile course to the. . .pit stop?

That’s it for the leg? Really?

france bicycle

Wow. Zero travel. They drive to buy a baguette, drive to a re-enactment centre, go through trenches, walk down a road, and lastly bike to the pit stop?

That makes for a quick day.

france andy samberg

andy samberg lonely island

Apparently Andy Samberg was in the 1903 Tour de France.

– Did you know that teams are currently in the champagne region of France? Yet we have not seen a bottle of wine.

zap brannigan

“Why would there be a bottle of wine there? Shouldn’t it be in the region of Champagan?

– Louie & Michael are shown in the change rooms. This really could have been edited out.

france louie michael 12

france louie michael 13
This is what American military officials mean by “don’t ask don’t tell”.

– If you needed more evidence of Louie in fact being Mario, here it is:
france louie michael 14

Louie pressing ‘select’ before the Tour de France bike ride.

MICHAEL: If we can get rid of Joe, that’s a good day.

For you, I s’pose. Anyone else? No.

I should note the silliest silent movie era style upbeat piano music plays as they ride.

– Joe & Heidi are already at the other Detour option. They are probably still fifth or sixth at the moment.

france joe heidi wang 8
Joe & Heidi put their Wangs together and begin the World Series of Morse Code.

HEIDI: Vive le Liberty.

She hopes that is it and they begin moving to submit their guess.

– Dan & Jordan and Jet & Cord both enter the machine gun area to receive their message. Jet trying to pronounce a French phrase is amusing. Joe & Heidi’s Morse code guess is wrong and must head back.

– Ugh. How many more WWI plane montages do we need? Jeff & Jordan are still lost on the road elsewhere. They receive directions from a guy on the road.

france jeff schroeder 6

Who happens to be driving the world’s crappiest car known as the Nissan Micra.

– Jeff receives directions and re-enters the vehicle. They must turn around and head back.

– Dan & Jordan yell out an offensive Native American call when a plane fires a missile next to them. Cord recaps the frightening explosions that occurred twenty feet away from them.

france jet cord mccoy 4

Duck and Gravy.

– Let’s now head over to Miserable Brandy.

france brandy snow

Yeah, you can shut up now, Brandy.

– She sadly does not comply.

BRANDY: I’ve never wanted to roll around in the dirt and play guns or army. I definitely never wanted to be a boy. I never wanted to prove myself physically nor do I want to.

france carol brandy 3

Carol and her clone not thrilled by Brandy’s presence. They eventually receive the message and complete the task.

france carol brandy 4

You mean you were cast onto The Amazing Race against your will? What reality show did you think you signed up for?

Tommy Hilfiger’s The Cut?

– Caite, who Brandy herself teased about wondering where her tiara was, is more than enjoying this task.

BRANDY: If it’s not abundantly apparent, it pisses me the hell off I am rolling in the middle of a muddy field. Smart people do Morse code. Dumb people do this.

france carol brandy 5

Do what? Complain non-stop?

– Brent & Caite are passing by an outgoing Carol & Brandy. Brandy starts a war of words in the confessional.

BRANDY: I see Brent & Caite coming down and think “more stupid people”.

france brandy snow 2

michael scott firefighters

“She looks like an annoying woman. Want us to shove her, Logan?”

Uh, no thanks Michael & Scott.

– Caite is amazed by the ab workout she is getting and is loving it.

CAITE: I dislike Carol & Brandy because they spit out crap about Brent and I.

Yes, cue the flashback to the tiara comment.

CAITE: There’s those Mean Lesbians. Let’s get a lead on em.

– We go back to Joe & Heidi working at Morse code. Joe is putting all of his energy into it.

france joe heidi wang 9
france heidi wang

france joe heidi wang 9

This one might be on you, Heidi!

– Heidi complains it goes way too fast. Joe sees teams coming up behind him. Dan & Jordan finish the task in third. Jet & Cord finish the task in fourth.
france joe wang 3

Fortune cookie is predicting bad outcome.

– Best part is seeing the pigeon releaser (actual job name?) release a pigeon into Jordan’s face.

france pigeon 2

Forget soldiers, machine guns, trench foot, and war planes, Jordan’s biggest enemy is a freakin’ pigeon.

– Tour de France round two. The gun is fired for Steve & Allie to begin.

france gun

Steve & Allie are edited out. Thankfully Steve did not pull a Michael in the change rooms. That would have been disturbing.

– Wait, we get a clear shot of Allie.

france allie smith 2

She’s wearing a fake mustache! Or is it real and we did not notice it until now? We call it the Kim Spradlin look?

– A band begins playing at the pit stop. Michael is amazed by the music. Phil starts dancing with the greeter at the mat.

france band

Why is there ALWAYS music this season? And why are they using Portugal’s colours?

france phil 2

Phil dancin’ for the first time since TAR 9.

france trumpet

Uh trump-it!

– The maestro (not Coach Wade/Dragon Slayer) puts a stop to the music with the most recognizable hand gesture ever.

france okie dokie

tokyo man 3

Okie dokie in French means “stop the music”. Drastically different from its lively meaning in Japan.

– After being welcomed by the greeter, Louie claims he is going to die.

france louie michael 15

Probably from over-dosing on bad karma at the U-Turn earlier today.

france phil keoghan 2
FIRST PLACE: LOUIE & MICHAEL

Phil signs for Louie & Michael that they are team number one. Mainly because there was not a single equalizer and this leg took about four hours total to complete. It looks like it is still freakin’ morning there.

– Phil says each of them have won a 55” inch HD TV. No other details given. Michael says they are representing law enforcement on this race. They are asked about the U-Turn.

MICHAEL: There are sheep and then there are wolves. We’re wolves.
france louie michael 16

Cue another howl from Louie. Back in the cage, Lou.

With Louie & Michael’s second first place finish in a row, they now have an average of 5.6. Tian & Jaree are currently better than them.

– Joe & Heidi restart the task. The dots are too fast for them. Jordan says he likes swords over guns. Jet & Cord jog past Dan & Jordan. Jet thinks Dan & Jordan are comfortable with their position and is why they passed by them. Dan does not care but Jordan does. Jordan whines about his right foot.

france jet cord mccoy 5

Which Jet & Cord do not care about in the least.

– Jordan vows to not let another team pass them. Both teams have the clue at the church.

JORDAN: Proceed to La Pit Stop. . .Okay, it didn’t say La. I added that.

Good one.

– Jet & Cord mount bikes. Cord struggles to get on. You can pretty much assume what they are going to say.

CORD: I prefer to ride a horse over a bike. You don’t have to pedal a horse.

– Jordan says his ear is gone after the gun blast.

JORDAN: Do I look like Lance Armstrong or do I look like Lance Armstrong?

france dan jordan pious 3

How Lance Armstrong looks like without steroids.

– Carol & Brandy pedal the bikes in fifth place.

CAROL: This is harder.
BRANDY: You should be good at this. You take spinning three days a week! You should be kicking my s— with this.
CAROL: Thank you for the sweet tone.
france carol rosenfeld

“Newly dating. . .or newly broken up?”

Also, Carol looks hilarious with the hat, glasses, and moustache. She is fitting right in with the community.

SECOND PLACE: STEVE & ALLIE

Yep. A third time in a row.
france joe heidi wang 10

france joe heidi wang 11

Joe still hard at work.

– Brent & Caite have finished the trench task in sixth place. They will finish the leg in sixth, Joe & Heidi will be seventh, and we presume Jeff & Jordan shall be dead last.

– Brent & Caite read that they must go south down the road. They miss the post entirely. Caite asks Brent to check his watch to figure out which way is north.

france compass

france brent caite 3

BRENT: That way is south. So let’s go north. I wonder if they meant south as just in a direction or south as in just go that direction.

What the hell does that even mean?

france brent caite 4

The only thing going south is their gameplay.

THIRD PLACE: JET & CORD

Heroic music plays as Jet & Cord get a long entrance into the mat. At least three times longer than Steve & Allie’s.

– Jordan is freaking out on the bikes.

JORDAN: Every minute of check-in is a minute earlier in check-out at the pit start.
DAN: You’re so paranoid about everything.
JORDAN: I’m not paranoid, I’m just trying to get an extra minute.
DAN: Shut up. Just stop talking.

This is why you don’t drag somebody onto TAR who does not wish to play.

FOURTH PLACE: DAN & JORDAN

france dan jordan pious 4

Which one do you think is more into this experience?

– Jordan & Jeff find an arrow. They still have to do the Speed Bump. Jeff chuckles. He knows they are screwed. There is only seven minutes left in the episode.

– Phil explains the Speed Bump how sub-terrain shelters were a soldier’s only source of safety in WWI. Using branches, Jeff & Jordan must reinforce a section of the trench wall. Once an engineer approves of their shored up trench wall, they can continue on in the race.

france trench 2

I wonder how Charla would do in the trench?

– The task begins. Jeff & Jordan are suited up.

france jeff jordan 4

Jeff is carrying both guns. Jordan is carrying her own hair.

– Time is of the essence. They get a move on.

france jeff jordan 5

But first, Jordan has to wash her hair.

– We cut to the pit stop.

FIFTH PLACE: CAROL & BRANDY

– Phil cracks up at how they look. Brandy reluctantly hugs Carol in celebration.

france carol brandy 6
Serving as a gondola serenader near you!

– Three teams remain. Joe’s knee, Brent & Caite’s map reading skills, and Jordan & Jeff starting out the round at least two to five hours behind everyone. Jeff & Jordan are now moving but Jordan says her shoes are too big and the hat is too big.

france jeff jordan 6

And a chunk of her uniform is ripped.

JEFF: Tie it on! You gotta be joking right now.

france jeff schroeder 7

Why they only play one season.
france brent caite 5

“And we’re heading south!”

This is messed up but Brent & Caite are at the clue box.

france brent caite 6

How they managed that by going north is beyond me.  Producers should have made the north path go thirty miles out of town.

– Jeff & Jordan are ready for their task.

france jordan lloyd

Wait, no. Jordan sits in a field as she looks out to remember her fallen comrades from BB11.

france jeff schroeder 8

This is the guy who chooses to marry her in five years.

–  Brent & Caite begin biking.

BRENT: Stay the course!

france locals

I bet the French people love George Dubya being quoted.

– Jordan finally stands and starts running at the slowest pace I have ever seen.

JEFF: Honestly? What’s wrong with you?

france jordan lloyd 2

Lol Jordan.

– Heidi sees Jeff & Jordan preparing to enter the trenches. It is a cloudy day now. Several hours have passed.

france joe heidi wang 12

Well this is awkward.

france jordan lloyd 3

Somebody needs to tell Jordan that this is fake.

– Brent & Caite are on the bicycles. I love how all three clips of them on the bikes practically shut Brent out of the shot.

france brent caite 7

Brent just lucky to be in the frame.

– CAITE: Do I still look hot with the little moustache? Do you still wanna kiss me?
BRENT: You can shave after the race.

france caite upton 2

Pucker up, Frenchie.

india jean robert

france caite upton 3

Caite cheers as this leg is a true dedication to Jean-Robert Bellande.

SIXTH PLACE: BRENT & CAITE

.

.

.

shi-long lang not so fast

france phil keoghan 3

However. . .

france sign

Remember that time you went north instead of south? Well, you missed a clue at the U-Turn mat.

– Phil instructs them to go back and pick up the clue. That means they have to bike for a few miles back to the church, hopefully not have to change their outfits, walk to the U-Turn board, walk to the Church, and bike again for a few miles to the pit stop.

In other words, they have lost a solid hour.

Furthermore, this is the second time in five rounds that they have misread a clue. Between that and departing from a pit stop three hours late, Brent & Caite are running a very sloppy race.

And this is a team that doesn’t even have Jordan on their team.

jo got the flo

I mean, when Jo of S Club 7 was on Celebrity TAR UK, she got The Flo. And even she was able to survive for a few rounds.

– Caite looks like she is experiencing stage fright.

france brent caite 8

We, need, uh, such as, to, uh. . . .what?

– Commercial. We resume with Phil repeating Brent & Caite’s fail. The other two teams have hope as they need to do the same task three times. Blunder soundtrack plays.

– Phil sorts out that they need the clue which sends them to the bikes. They admit this is not in their possession.

france phil keoghan 4

I feel bad for Phil this season. Vive le Kiwi.

– Joe figures out it is “Vive le Something”. Yes, four hours of work later.

france joe heidi wang 13

But not before they must duck to an explosion next to the trench.

– Jordan is useless at the Speed Bump to the point that Jeff finds a useful role for her.

france jeff jordan 7

maui margie luke adams 3

Imagine if Margie said this to Luke? America would be outraged.

– Joe & Heidi make another guess.

france joe heidi wang 14

Which is a mixture of French and Spanish meaning “Long Live Victory”.

– Jeff is one stick away before another huge freakin’ explosion occurs.

france jeff jordan 8

All of that debris flying everywhere could be lethal.

– Jeff asks for a check on his wall.
france soldier 5

A silent ‘mmhmmm’ of approval.

– They receive the Detour note.

JEFF: Your call. Your call. Your call.

Which option does Jordan not want to do?

france jeff jordan 9

We were robbed of Jordan doing Morse code? For shame.

– Jeff, in his own act of rudeness, snaps at Jordan telling her to come on as if he does not want to do the Under Fire Detour. Apparently he wants to secretly do the task where team has been sitting there for three to five hours.

– BRENT: So stupid. I headed south. The actual direction.

As opposed to heading in south. . .the not actual direction?

– Jeff & Jordan stop so Jeff could tie Jordan’s helmet.

JORDAN (out of sync edit): THE HAT’S TOO BIG!

– Joe knows they have enough time because of Jeff & Jordan’s frustration.

france brent caite 9

Brent & Caite meanwhile are ten hours late to the Joe & Heidi U-Turned memo.

– Jeff coaches Jordan how to carry her gun and use her elbows and belly. She is constantly fixing her helmet and moving a couple inches at a time. They probably even lost time on Brent & Caite this round.

– JEFF: Why are you moving so slowly?
JORDAN: How does your hat stay on?
JEFF: Most people with a one-in-eight chance at a million dollars would have a little more pep in their step than Jordan does.

france jordan lloyd 4

france jeff schroeder 9

Jordan’s fiance, ladies and gentlemen!

– HEIDI: First time you think it’s a T then you think it’s a V then you think it’s a W. We’re not stupid people.

– Jeff & Jordan finish the trench. They are told that they must go back. Both are stunned.

cirie

Back across the trenches.

– Jeff tries to coach Jordan, but gives up when Jordan is not understanding and lets her do it her way. Both teams are edited as returning to the pigeon releaser simultaneously.

JEFF: Is the war over because of this message or because it took us so long to get here?

france jeff jordan 10

That’s right. Jeff & Jordan have now passed Joe & Heidi.

france joe wang 4
The look of someone who wishes Jeff & Jordan had to do the Morse code option.

JOE: The war is over.
(SOLDIER shakes head.)
france soldier 6

Not impressed.

CORRECT ANSWER: We will prevail. Vive la France.

Yeah. None of their guesses were anywhere close.

– Jordan receives the clue and barely reads it. Her and Jeff start heading down the road. Jeff sees that Joe & Heidi were U-Turned.

JEFF: Oh! Somebody U-Turned Joe & Heidi! Oh, that’s why they are doing that thing.

france joe heidi wang 15

At least Jody & Shannon and Adrian & Dana both weren’t in this leg. Things could be much worse.

– Brent & Caite show up to the mat.

SIXTH PLACE: BRENT & CAITE

Yep. Jeff & Jordan truly are that far behind.

– Now we see Joe & Heidi curled up in a hole. The romantic WWI romance novel imagery is really over the top here.

france joe heidi wang 16

robb zbacnik

We didn’t get beat by somebody better than us. No. We just got beat by a bunch of dashes and dots.

– Jeff is biking forty feet ahead of Jordan.

JEFF: C’mon! Paddle!
JORDAN: I’m paddling!

france jeff jordan 11

Paddling. I don’t know how much more I can take of this.

SEVENTH PLACE: JEFF & JORDAN

– Jeff just exhales and admits he is over-bearing and knows it is hard on Jordan. We also get the most unintentionally perverted statement in the history of Jeff Schroeder’s reality TV career.

JEFF: I’m willing to bend, I’m just willing to hope she’s willing to bend on her end as well.
dumbledore

And I want to see you bend on yours too, Jeff!

france jeff schroeder 10

Classic.

france jeff jordan 12

Got milk, Jeff?

– Jordan says bickering (and jealousy) gets you nowhere.

– It is well past sunset. Everyone has cleared from the trenches. Well, except for one man.

france soldier 7

Make way. . .

france phil keoghan 5

For Phil!

– For the second time in four eliminations, he has to go out on the course to eliminate a team. He has only done so before in TAR 5 with Marshall & Lance, TAR 13 with Toni & Dallas, and TAR 15 with Maria & Tiffany.

france joe heidi wang 17

Jon Gosselin is already preparing to write a book about his experience.

france phil keoghan 6

PHIL: Louie & Michael say go eat a d—. . .and you both have been eliminated from the race.

– Joe tears up. Phil reveals the answer.

HEIDI: We would not have gotten that.

– Joe is unhappy with the U-Turn, but knows it is apart of the game. Both are happy to have each other in their lives, and knowing how slowly Joe was moving when handing in his answer, they would have been out soon anyway.

france joe heidi wang 18

Farewell to the Wangs! They were high and erect atop of the standings for the first four rounds, but that feeling went away as they flopped down, shrivelled up at night, and walked away alone, depressed, and sad.

Next Time on TAR: Brent & Caite clash. . .and then crash.

If you thought a string of Carol & Brandy episodes were great, just wait for it to revolve around Brent & Caite!

Number of Episodes Where a Team is Specifically Mentioned in the Next Time On. . . Segment

CAROL & BRANDY: 2
JET & CORD: 2
DAN & JORDAN: 1
BRENT & CAITE: 1

CONFESSIONAL COUNT

BRENT.CAITE 1.2
CAROL.BRANDY 0.2
JET.CORD 3.4
JOE.HEIDI 8.8
DAN.JORDAN 1.1
JEFF.JORDAN 5.2
MICHAEL.LOUIE 5.4
STEVE.ALLIE 1.1

Team Averages

Below is a list of all teams from seasons I have blogged to date, ranked by racing average.

e.g. Don & Mary Jean finished 9th, 8th, 8th, 8th, and 8th. Add up the numbers and divide it by the number of legs they have played.

Therefore their average is 8.2.

Bulls— Round One/Starting Line Eliminations
Eric & Lisa N/A
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A

— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0 TAR 4
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0 TAR 3
11th Adrian & Dana 11.0 TAR 16
11th Preston & Jennifer 11.0 TAR 14
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0 TAR 13
11th Ari & Staella 11.0 TAR 12
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0 TAR 11
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0 TAR 10
11th John & Scott 11.0 TAR 9
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0 TAR 7
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0 TAR 6
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0 TAR 5
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0 TAR 2
11th Matt & Ana 11.0 TAR 1
10th Edwin & Monica 10.0 Only team to finish last for the first two rounds of the race TAR Asia 3
10th Jody & Shannon 10.0 TAR Adventure 16
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0 TAR 9
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0 TAR 11
10th Neena & Amit 10.0 TAR Asia 3
10th A Black Family 10.0 TAR 8
— F +–
10th Steve & Linda 9.4 TAR 14
10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????) TAR 13
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.) TAR 7
11th Garrett & Jessica 9.5 TAR 15
10th Kate & Pat 9.0 TAR 12
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0 TAR 11
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0 May or may not be gutsy. TAR 2
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0 TAR 6
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF TAR 3
9th Marianna & Julia 8.33 TAR 12
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33 TAR 4
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2 Saved by NEL once TAR 6
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0 TAR 10
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0 TAR 1
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8 Yielded TAR 9
8th Marisa & Brooke 7.75 Sucked. TAR 13
7th Mika & Canaan 7.67  Why the heck did they sign up? TAR 15
9th Marcy & Ron 7.67 Bald. TAR 15
9th Isaac & William 7.5 TAR Asia 3
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33 TAR 5
8th Aiello Family 7.0 TAR 8
8th Singaporean Sophie & French Born Aurelia 7.0 (French Born Aurelia sadly does not know the English words for ‘team averages’. :/) TAR Asia 2
–D minus–
8th Tom & Terry 7.0 TAR 10
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0 R.I.P. Margaretta TAR 1
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0 Producers refused to hay bail them. TAR 6
10th Hope & Norm 7.0 TAR 2
7th Christie & Jodi 6.67 Saved by NEL–Became the Devil of Casting Later TAR 14
9th Brad & Victoria 6.67 TAR 14
7th Niroo & Kapil 6.75 TAR Asia 3
6th Maria & Tiffany 6.57 Saved by NEL once and Justin’s blunder again TAR 15
9th Rogers Family 6.5 R.I.P. Renee. TAR 8
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5 TAR 7
6th Henry & Terri 6.44 Used Their Yield; saved by a non-elimination round THREE times. R.I.P. Henry. TAR Asia 2
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43 Saved by NEL once TAR 1
9th Brett & Kinar 6.33 Rocky finish. TAR Asia 2
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 6.33 TAR Asia 1
8th Pailin & Natalie 6.33 TAR Asia 3
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25 TAR 9
7th Aja & Cabbie 6.2 TAR 13
7th Paul & Amie 6.2 TAR 1
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF TAR 4
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF Saved by NEL once TAR 10
–D+–
8th Lance & Keri 6.0 TAR 15
9th Zev & Justin 6.0 Passport lost. TAR 15
10th Ernie & Jeena 6.0 TAR Asia 1
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0 TAR 4
6th Andre & Damon 5.86 TAR 3
7th Daichi & Sawaka 5.83 TAR Asia 2
7th Dave & Lori 5.83 Saved by NEL once TAR 9
5th Kami & Karli 5.8 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8 TAR 3
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8 TAR 2
7th Shana & Jennifer 5.8 Used U-Turn TAR 12
9th Heather & Eve 5.75 Legal team beaten by rule book. TAR 3
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67 R.I.P. Nancy. Saved by NEL once. TAR 1
6th Gaghan Family 5.5 TAR 8
10th Alison & Donny 5.5 TAR 5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF TAR 4
8th Sahil & Prashant 5.4 FF. Beaten by a bunch of rules. TAR Asia 1
–C minus–
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36 Saved by NEL twice TAR 7
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF TAR 4
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33 TAR 5
9th Monique & Shawne 5.33 TAR 16. Praise Jesus.
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33 TAR 7
7th Gus & Hera 5.29 TAR 6
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25 Saved by NEL once TAR 11
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25 TAR 5
8th Lorena & Jason 5.25 U-Turned TAR 12
5th Mark & Michael 5.22 Saved by NEL once but came up just short TAR 14
3rd Andrew & Dan 5.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 13
7th Silver & Gold/ Wil & Grace 5.17 TAR 3
6th Kelly & Christy 5.14 TAR 13
7th Ray & Deana 5.0 FF TAR 7
7th Melody & Sharon 5.0. Screwed over by weird penalty for another team. TAR Asia 1
9th Steve & Josh 5.0  FF TAR 4
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0  FF TAR 1
9th Mark & Bill 5.0  Wah. TAR 13
5th Fran & Barry 4.89 TAR 9
6th Howard & Sahran 4.88 TAR Asia 1
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85 – Yielded TAR 10
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF and saved by NEL once TAR 3
6th Mai & Oliver 4.8 In a car TAR Asia 3
7th Teri & Ian All Stars 4.83 TAR 11
7th Schroeder Family 4.75 TAR 8
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71 – Used Yield TAR 9
6th Brian & Greg 4.71 TAR 7
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70 TAR 10
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF and Used Yield and Yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 6
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67 TAR 10
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 6
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF TAR 3
8th Kris & Jo–er, Amanda 4.50 U-Turned TAR 14
5th Paula & Natasha 4.45 saved by NEL once TAR Asia 2
5th Uchenna & Joyce All Stars 4.33 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 11
8th Joe & Heidi 4.40 – Blind U-Turned with Wounded Knee; TAR 16
4th Kisha & Jen 4.27 Saved by NEL once, U-Turned once TAR 14
3rd Brian & Ericka 4.25 saved by NEL once TAR 15
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF TAR 2
–B minus–
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23 saved by NEL once TAR 9
5th Gary & Matt 4.22 saved by NEL once and c—blocked once in Saunabuss TAR 15
3rd Nicolas & Donald 4.18 FF and U-Turned TAR 12
4th Linda & Karen 4.17 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
3rd Charla & Mirna All Stars 4.15 TAR 11
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.) TAR 2
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF and Used Yield TAR 8
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11 TAR 7
5th Andy & Laura 4.00 – Yielded TAR Asia 1
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF, saved by NEL, grew goatees TAR 4
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 2
2nd Jaime & Cara 3.92 TAR 14
2nd Pamela & Vanessa 3.92 TAR Asia 2
4th A.D. & Fuzzie 3.90 – U-Turned and saved by NEL once TAR Asia 3
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF TAR 2
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85 Saved by NEL twice TAR 4
1st Zabrina & Joe Jer 3.77 saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
2nd Sandy & Francesca 3.77 – Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
4th Diane & Ann 3.75 – Yielded TAR Asia 2
4th Jon & Al 3.73 TAR 4
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71 TAR 5
–B+–
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 2
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF TAR 4
5th Kynt & Vyxsin 3.63 Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 12
1st Eric & Danielle All Stars 3.62 – Yielded Twice, saved by NEL once TAR 11
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF, saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
6th Mel & Mike 3.57 TAR 14
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56 TAR 6
3rd Ida & Tania 3.54 Saved by NEL twice TAR Asia 3
4th Joseph & Monica 3.50 – Yielded TAR 9
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46 TAR Asia 1
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46 – Used Yield and Yielded TAR 6
2nd Ronald & Christina 3.45 TAR 12
4th Nathan & Jennifer 3.40 – Never finished in 1st TAR 12
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 2
1st Chip & Kim 3.38 – Used Yield TAR 5
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF TAR 1
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
5th Terence & Sarah 3.25 TAR 13
1st TK & Rachel 3.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 12
4th Godlewski Family 3.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 8
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17 – Used Yield, saved by NEL once
–A minus–
2nd Sam & Dan 3.17 U-Turned Pointlessly TAR 15
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17 TAR 10
3rd Weaver Family 3.15 – Yielded Twice, saved by NEL twice TAR 8
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF TAR 4
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 7
4th Toni & Dallas 3.10 Still in Russia TAR 13
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF TAR 3
2nd Geoff 26 & Tisha 31  3.09 Used Yield and U-Turn TAR Asia 3
4th Herb & Nate a.k.a. Flight Time & Big Easy 3.09 TAR 15. Znarf!
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF TAR 10
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00 – Yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 7
6th Azaria & Hendekea 3.00 TAR 12
4th Hayden & Aaron Saved by NEL once 2.92 TAR 6
2nd Dustin & Kandice All Stars 2.92 – Used Yield TAR 10
2nd Bransen Family Saved by NEL once 2.85 TAR 8
1st Linz Family 2.77 – Used Yield TAR 8
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 1
–BEST OF THE BEST–
3rd Margie & Luke 2.75 Used U-Turn once TAR 14
5th Henry & Bernie/Bunn-Eh 2.75 – Yielded TAR Asia 3
8th Rob & Amber All Stars 2.75 – Used Yield, Choked TAR 11
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 3
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF TAR 3
4th Oswald & Danny All Stars 2.67 FF x2, Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 11
2nd Ken & Tina 2.64 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 13
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF, Yielded, and saved by NEL once TAR 5
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF TAR 2
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF TAR 1
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF, Used Yield, and saved by NEL twice TAR 9
1st Vince & Sam 2.45 FF TAR Asia 3
1st Nick & Starr 2.45 FF TAR 13
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF TAR 10
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF TAR 1
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38 TAR 6
1st Tammy & Victor 2.33 Used U-Turn Once TAR 14
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31 TAR 7
1st Adrian & Collin 2.23 FF TAR Asia 2
1st Meghan & Cheyne 2.00 FF TAR 15
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF TAR 9
lol 3rd Marc & Rovilson 1.46 Used Yield and Yielded TAR Asia 2

Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)

11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 10 + 11
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 3 + 11
18 legs Danielle 4.78 yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
19 legs Teri & Ian 4.63 FF TAR 3 + 11
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF TAR 1 + 11
20 legs Charla & Mirna 4.00 TAR 5 + 11
21 legs Joe & Bill 3.71 FF, saved by NEL thrice TAR 1 + 11
22 legs Uchenna & Joyce 3.64 FF x2, saved by NEL twice TAR 7 + 11
*31 legs Eric & Danielle 3.48 FF, yielded x3, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
23 legs Oswald & Danny 3.30 FF x3, used Yield, saved by NEL twice TAR 2 + 11
25 legs Dustin & Kandice 3.04 used Yield twice, saved by NEL once TAR 10 + 11
26 legs Eric 2.65 FF, yielded x2, saved by NEL once  TAR 9 + 11
17 legs Rob & Amber 2.41 Used Yield TAR 7 + 11

* I determined Eric & Danielle’s average in this last section by adding up all of their individual points from TAR 9, then adding up their total points in All Stars and dividing it by 31.

Rank the Teams

1) Joe & Heidi

A middle-aged Asian couple on The Amazing Race who love to compete and are nice people in general? Not only are they trash-talking a bit, but they can back it up a bit by finishing near the top in each of the first four legs?

This is a team that deserved a better way of being eliminated. Jon Gosse–dammit, I mean Joe Wang! Joe and Heidi really should not have been a team that is overall a footnote in TAR history. Being stuck as the only team -forced- to do an impossible Detour option while a team ten hours passes them was tough to see unfold. It showed us how imbalanced the design of the leg happened to be.

I will forever be amused that their guess of “The war is over” was incorrect after five hours versus the correct answer of “We will prevail. Viva La France”.

Okay, I loved the unintentional humour involving their last name. Particularly when Joe got hit in the groin by a llama or falling off a horse and onto his groin. Only reality TV editors dig that low standard of comedy.

Joe & Heidi were by no means the Golden Parent team of TAR 16. They did allow the “Mean Lesbians” Carol & Brandy to cut in front of several teams in the second round. Nearly every team was already hating Carol & Brandy except for the Rhode Island Rattlesnake Dan Pious. This incident combined with their high finishes is 99% of what led to their U-Turn by Michael & Louie who were most affected by the Chilean Line Cut.

Now to the knee injury suffered during the jump with Steve & Allie. Joe was truly crippled by this. I have stated it about twenty times in these two episodes, but I can guarantee you that after going through trenches that Joe would have to withdraw and forfeit by the end of the following round. His knee looked ruined when exited the trench. I cannot imagine him being able to walk to a route marker, walk some more, and ride a bicycle for a few miles without causing severe pain.

If there was any team with unfinished business from TAR 16, Joe & Heidi would be your peeps.

P.S. Joe & Heidi would have been a satisfying elimination for the viewers if not for them teaming up with Steve & Allie in the past two rounds.

P.P.S. Joe & Heidi totally did it during the first night spent at Elimination Station. They’re not fooling anyone.

2) Jody & Shannon

Shannon may be one of the blandest people to ever be on The Amazing Race. I can honestly not recall a single word Shannon said in either of the two episodes. Her personality is as thin as her body.

Clearly, that is not why this team was cast.

After this season we only have one older team that comes to mind. Here in TAR 16 we are granted the oldest exception for the franchise as Jody Kelly runs the race at seventy-one. She competed in rowing, triathlons, half marathons, and does weight training on the side.

Sure, she would get beaten by TAR Ukraine’s Vladimir Valisenko by one year at the age of 72, but hey, did anyone follow TAR Ukraine? There was a season in 2013, but why wasn’t there one in 2014?

Jody also happened to be one of the most eloquent confessionalists in series history. There has never been a person in reality TV history who speaks more clearly and coherently than her. She needs to be given major props for that.

These two could have survived longer if they wished to do so, but there was zero competitive fire. It is like they chose not to race hard because they were afraid of hurting the other team’s feelings. If Adrian was able to get across that cable, Jody & Shannon would have slowed down like an adult racing their five year old niece.

Sadly, their inability to preserve a second-to-last place is what prevented them from making a reasonable run. They were certainly capable of it. Plenty of teams would have helped them if Jody & Shannon were willing to fight harder to stay in.

Instead Jeff Schroeder helps middle-aged males in physical shape get out of last place and ultimately beat Jody & Shannon by about five to ten minutes. Seriously Jeff, you must have known Jody & Shannon were in last. You really didn’t want to take the time to ignore Michael & Louie?

Just imagine a world where Michael & Louie, a team who proclaimed they would win all twelve legs, get eliminated by a 71 year old in the second round of the race following a ninth place finish in the premiere.

But that was not Jody & Shannon’s goal. They just wanted an adventure rather than a competition. Complete your run rather than win the run. This decision results in a very predictable finish for them.

We need somebody in their 70s who truly believes they can win The Amazing Race. That is what we need to see.

If only they fought for a better bus.

3) Adrian & Dana

She, uh. . .should have done the Roadblock.

4) Monique & Shawne

Monique & Shawne may be the most religious team I have seen on The Amazing Race since The Weaver Family. They were shown a little bit in the premiere where all they did was talk about Jesus. It is one thing for teams to be religious on The Amazing Race, but if it is incorporated into every action they take or every confessional where they speak, you are essentially giving editors zero footage to use.

Nobody wants to watch a show called The Amazing Sermon.

Them being invisible was not surprising because of this. It makes for rather boring television, and you wonder what was dynamic enough to put them on the race.

The other annoying thing about this team is that Monique did not physically prepare herself for the race, and producers were willing to cast her. Her and Shawne were both fatigued just three rounds into the game. You cannot fault Monique & Shawne for this, but rather producers should be ashamed for green-lighting a middle-aged all-female team who were out of shape.

Lastly, their early elimination qualifies them for being one of the least memorable minority teams in The Amazing Race history.

P.S. And they were the only obstacle to prevent Michael & Louie from suffering the biggest humiliation in The Amazing Race history. Boo.

Rank the Legs

1) San Carlos de Bariloche, Argentina -> Hamburg, Germany

Although it was edited out, the eight remaining teams were split amongst three different flights to Hamburg. Once they landed, they were given further choice by choosing between taxis, metro trains, and walking on foot to each route marker.

Freedom of choice in transportation is what all viewers miss in the TAR universe. Nobody wants to see a linear leg.

The teams were evenly divided between doing the Soccer and Sauerkraut Detour options. It is refreshing to see after an era of everybody completing the same dang option.

I also liked that the pit stop was in the Red Light District. Not every monument in existence is on the perimeter of the city in some fairy tale like landscape. They can be bars or clubs in questionable areas.

However, this round has some faults. The one-time return of the Intersection in the US franchise appeared pointless at best. Watching only one team check out of the pit stop, who also happen to be the stars of the season, really keeps many of the other teams hidden from the viewer.

Watching teams physically drained such as Joe’s knee injury and Caite’s hamstrings prove that the TAR experience is legitimate.

Watching Das Boot from Beerfest directly inspire a task was hilarious. I also appreciated a team being at the bottom of the pack in Nowheresville climbing to a first place finish was a breath of fresh air. Regardless of it being Michael & Louie, seeing a change of pace of “One Team Dominates All” since TAR 13 was good to see.

Yes, there is controversy surrounding the round finishing in the first Round of 8 non-elimination since TAR 6, and the fact it happened to save one of three teams production favoured going into the season.

This is by far the best leg design after four rounds. That is rare for a non-elimination round to beat out the first three elimination rounds.

Lastly, Vomiting Brent and Alcoholic Steve.

2) Valparaiso, Chile -> Puerto Varas, Chile

The “most gruelling season ever” takes a huge step down in difficulty for this round.

Perhaps the biggest obstacle was for the racers to see Jeff & Jordan every twenty seconds. We did not see any of the other nine teams check out of the pit stop. The only drama with them was missing both buses in Temuco, but still being in the middle of the pack for the whole round.

The other obstacle was hearing the City Slickers theme repeatedly as Jet & Cord utter the phrase “oh my gravy” four times. Lone Rangers was uttered three times. References to their hat protectors was out of hand, too. Their sneaky little tactic to be the first bus into town  is when they were the most popular team in TAR at the time.

The initial route marker of making teams two or more buses along with taking a car and a boat was one of the best in TAR history.

However, the tasks and driving to subsequent route markers were very quick. Jump off a pier or put a blanket on a llama? Go around a barn collecting eggs, flour, and milk a cow? Then drive straight for twenty minutes to the pit stop? That is really easy stuff.

I could watch teams get kicked in the body by llamas and cows on repeat. That was the only upside to it.

In short, the five different options teams took to get to the first route markers was great. After that it was ultra easy and simplified. A bit of a letdown, really.

Screw you Jeff Schroeder for helping Michael & Louie to get out of last place to beat Jody & Shannon. If only Jody & Shannon knew to buy tickets for a connecting bus as well.

3) Puerto Varas, Chile -> San Carlos de Bariloche, Argentina

Teams are provided with bus tickets at the start of the leg? Wow. That takes a huge part of the adventure away from the show.

Once in Argentina, Jet & Cord were treated to an episode all to themselves because the entire round was a freakin’ cowboy theme. Not since Family Edition have we seen such an extreme cowboy theme at play.

The first task was one hundred percent luck as teams sat in a chair waiting for their clue. All we saw was the dealer giving cards to a team and cards to a GNOME in a poker game. If a team beat the gnome, they received their clue. Some teams were unaware when their hand was better.

Once they had the clue, teams walked one hundred feet to the Roadblock task. They appeared to take anywhere between one minute to twenty minutes at the task.

When that was done they drove a short distance to a set of cliffs where the Detour awaited. This was the only challenging task of the round (unless you were Shawne). They had to choose between counting out steps on a coordinate, dig up a bag, and bring it to the train station or taking swings at a ball and getting it past a certain distance within nine shots.

The number of teams switching from the bag bandit task to the polo task must have been a TAR record for a Detour. In fact, Monique & Shawne switched from the polo task to the bag bandit task. Only Jeff & Jordan and Steve & Allie did not switch out of all nine teams.

Steve rolling in mud, Big Joe Wang falling off a fake horse, Monique exhausted from doing nothing, and Michael & Louie completing the Detour for another team were all hilarious moments.

Also, Michael & Louie have an average of 8.67 after three rounds. Only 7.67 points off the pace for being the best of all time.

And did anyone think it was a bit unfair that Brent & Caite were treated and given care for over three hours as they had plenty of time to catch a bus? Sure, Brent was terrible at directions and only a lasso saved him as Caite demonstrated her stick shift skills, but you can’t help but wonder what Monique & Shawne could have done with a bit of treatment.

Do you remember where you were when Monique & Shawne were eliminated? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

4) Los Angeles, California, USA -> Valparaiso, Chile

Compared to TAR 15’s premiere, this one is ten times better.

But compared to virtually any other premiere, this one is probably sub-par. One hour premieres with eleven teams are truly rushed.

Phil starts out the season with the dreaded “toughest season ever” tagline that we know all too well from TAR Asia 3. However, TAR Asia 3 nearly lived up to that tagline. TAR 16’s premiere? Not so much.

First off, teams were brought in on the same bus. Next? They had to get to LAX using public transit. Therefore, this was the cheapest ride to the airport in TAR history, and obviously meant that several teams would get to the airport simultaneously.

Another pointless twist was that only three teams would be on the first flight, and eight teams on the second flight. That makes zero sense because you are at much more of a disadvantage if eight teams are on the first flight, and only three teams on the second flight. If the first flight suffers any sort of delay, they will be at the biggest disadvantage of all.

And guess what? The first flight was delayed, and all eleven teams were forced to be on the second flight! This is the first time in TAR history that all teams left the United States on the same flight. I can’t get over that.

Thankfully the rest of the stupidity lies with the contestants. Jet & Cord exchanging money for a currency that has nothing to do with Chile, Adrian doing the Roadblock instead of Dana, Brent & Caite refusing to read, Jordan Lloyd beating everyone, Steve & Allie painting the inside of a stranger’s house, and Michael & Louie humiliating themselves.

There was an unaired route marker prior to arriving in Valparaiso. I guess a neat castle was too much for 42 minutes. Instead we needed to listen to Jeff Schroeder’s commentary and laugh at Adrian in the process.

Dana & Adrian were heavy favourites entering the season because not only were they superfans, but viewers thought they would be like Chip & Kim or Uchenna & Joyce. I know. That’s a disturbing way of thinking.

They led most of the way until Adrian decided to do the Roadblock. The first hurdle of the season and they were nowhere close to achieving it. I personally think Dana & Adrian were doomed to go early despite this blunder. Adrian and Dana both sounded fatigued even before the Roadblock. I think him or Dana would have experienced a serious injury within the first couple of legs. They would not have held up physically for twelve legs.

So far “toughest race ever” is proving to be “least expensive race ever” after the premiere.

5) Hamburg, Germany -> Les Monthairons, France

What were producers trying to accomplish with this round? Every team stayed in the exact same position except for Joe & Heidi who suffered a Blind U-Turn.

Why did teams need to be driven to the pit start across two countries? Couldn’t they just have allowed teams to check out in Hamburg (even outside of the Red Light District for safety reasons), and make them drive across into France? The legs where teams have to self-drive for several hours show teams who have a good sense of direction versus those who do not.

This leg was perhaps the first post-premiere leg in any season to not have a Roadblock. They started out by driving about a half hour to the baguette shop. From there it was a WWI re-enactment in a spot with a Speed Bump, U-Turn, and a Detour combined. From there they walked for roughly ten to twenty minutes to a bicycle task which was a fifteen bike ride from the pit stop.

In other words, it was an extremely short leg. What was worse is that all teams chose a Detour option that was ten times easier than the other (trench crawl versus Morse code). The Morse code task was difficult enough that all teams in franchise history would have struggled for several hours except for Jim & Misti.

What was worse about this leg is that the previous round was a non-elimination but this round was not. In other words, a Speed Bump meant nothing unless you were the one U-Turned and forced to do the Morse code.

It is painful that Louie & Michael thought eliminating a team who was well on their way to a medical evacuation was a team needed for immediate ejection. Did you not see how much ice Joe needed? The guy was going to be stopped very soon. Gus McCleod from TAR 6 could have moved faster than him.

So pissed. This leg could have been so much more rather than an ultra linear 42 minute World War 1 re-enactment while teams do not know which war it is and having to sit through listening to Jeff & Jordan, Brent & Caite, and Brandy.

Although I did appreciate a break from Jet & Cord. Thank God.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Entertainment, The Amazing Race, The Amazing Race 16 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s