The Amazing Race 16 episode 3 ranking

Third episode

“Now Offering You a Remix of TAR 5 at a Cheap Discount”

COUNTRIES VISITED

CHILE – ARGENTINA – GERMANY – FRANCE – SEYCHELLES – MALAYSIA – SINGAPORE – CHINA – UNITED STATES

Previously on TAR: Ten teams raced from Valparaiso to Puerto Varas, Chile.

At the bus station, Joe caused a commotion while Cowboys Jet & Cord made a move, and reaped the rewards. At the Detour Brent & Caite tried to soar while Joe’s knee got real sore.

In the end, Jet & Cord staked their claim. And Jody & Shannon came in last.

Jet & Cord and eight other teams remain; who will be eliminated next?

Number of Episodes Where a Team is Specifically Mentioned in the Previously On. . . Segment

JET & CORD: 1
BRENT & CAITE: 2
HEIDI & JOE: 1
JODY & SHANNON: 1
DAN & JORDAN: 1
JEFF & JORDAN: 1
DANA & ADRIAN: 1

– Intro time.

– Phil introduces us to Puerto Varas, Chile. Nestled in the dramatic convergence of pristine lakes and volcanic mountains, there is some picturesque monuments too.

– Jet & Cord, who arrived first at an unspecified time, will depeart at 11:20pm. They read that they must take one of two buses on a six hour ride through the Andes mountains and cross into Argentina.

san carlos de bariloche road

A scenic ride indeed.

Once there they must drive themselves to an old saloon named El Boliche Viejo–The Old Joint.

san carlos de bariloche el boliche viejo

Which is shown to be as crooked as Michael & Louie’s co-workers.

– Other than Nazis, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid hid out here when they were in Argentina.

san carlos de bariloche butch cassidy

And cameras back then were sadly 144p.

– Here they will find the Gnome in the Hole game. Teams must win a game of five-card stud against the Travelocity Roaming Gnome.

san carlos de bariloche gnome

I wouldn’t trust that dealer.

las vegas brian ericka 11

Although Brian & Ericka would prefer this alternative over the ones in Vegas.

san carlos de bariloche gnome 2

Man, you can’t get a read off of this guy!
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Wait a second. That’s the community card setup in a Hold Em game. In 5-Card Stud play is as follows:

1 card face up and 1 card face down for each player. Betting round.
One card face up. Another betting round.
One card face up. Another betting round.
One final card face up. Final betting round followed by showdown.

In other words, this is the dumbest interpretation of five-card-stud that I have ever seen.

holland maria tiffany 26

If only they could have replaced the gnome for this task just to antagonize the players.

In short, what I assume this task will be is just all five cards being dealt face up for each player, and whoever has the best hand wins.

watson jeopardy

Unless they have programmed the gnome to play like Watson from Jeopardy!

– Jet & Cord read that their bus departs at 8:30am. Well that makes things ten times easier than last round. Why does Phil repeatedly bill this as one of their toughest seasons ever? Producers just did the leg work for them.

– Cord says Jet’s greatest asset is between his ears.

CORD: Don’t let the cowboy hat fool you.

We get it, Cord. We get it.

– A picture accompanied the clue. Needless to say Jet & Cord recognize who is in the photo.

JET: I’ve seen it twenty-seven times.
CORD: I’ve seen it one hundred times.

wild hanlons 2

“I’ve seen it ten thousand times!”

san carlos de bariloche jet cord mccoy

“That’s Great Uncle Bull McCoy sitting right between them!

CORD: I don’t remember the gnome being in the movie.

What gnome?

san carlos de bariloche gnome 3

Ah. I see one of the producers is familiar with Photoshop.

– JET: We don’t have to run like scalded dogs.

What’s with all of the dog references this season?!

– Joe & Heidi depart second at 11:50pm. They read additional info that the first three teams to show up will board the 8:30am bus. Carol & Brandy depart third at 11:55pm. We are told they have been dating for five months. Therefore, they are still learning things about each other.

san carlos de bariloche carol brandy

“Like how Brandy awkwardly stares at me when I talk to other people.”

– Carol claims they bicker about the dumbest things. Jet & Cord enter a bar and ask if somebody speaks English. They find a local who lived in Argentina for a few years. They quiz her about the building they are visiting. She confirms what Carol & Brandy told us seconds ago: They’re going to Bariloche.

san carlos de bariloche jet cord mccoy 2

Apparently Natasha from The Amazing Race Asia 2 is hanging out in Chile at the moment.

– Hey Jet, what is the worst pun you could make entering a gambling related task right now?

san carlos de bariloche jet cord mccoy 3

Oh no you di’int.

– TAR is really being risky with re-visiting San Carlos de Bariloche for the first time since TAR 5. A legendary TAR episode that the city hosted several years earlier.

mirna interrupts 1

 

“We’re going to steal the show and make this the best season ever. TAR 16 can do whatever the hell it wants it to do–”

lance winning

“Bitch!”

kamkar chocolate wasted

Kami and the Chocolate Factory.

kamkar swim

Reading is hard!

colin objection

“We have to beat the midget! Our greatest physical adversary!”

 

 

jim marsha intro

Well, not every episode can have a happy ending.

No matter how you slice it, this round will be worse than its TAR 5 counterpart. High expectations, folks!

– Okay, back to 2010. Instead of the pit stop where Brent & Caite will presumably depart around midnight, we cut to the hotel.

san carlos de bariloche hotel cumbres

We fast forward nearly ninety minutes to enter Hotel Cucumbers.

– We hear some coughing and retching from the bathroom.

san carlos de bariloche brent caite

san carlos de bariloche caite upton

“I don’t wanna go to school!”

– Brent explains that Caite is experiencing symptoms of food poisoning. He admits his stomach is really hurting too. Maybe he drank hot chocolate that expired in 2006, I don’t know. They decide to go to a hotel, and Brent complains of dehydration.

jono

He knows that feeling all too well.

san carlos de bariloche brent caite 2

Wow, Caite looks repulsed right now. Brent is wiped.

jonathan bolo

“They’re not going to want to take pictures of that face. . .supermodel!”

san carlos de bariloche brent caite 3

Now we learn why the bus is not leaving until 8:30am.

– Monique & Shawne leap to fourth as they check out at 1:22am. That whole hotel scene occurred in two minutes, apparently. Monique reads they have forty-eight dollars for this leg of the race. Monique wants to set an example for her kids by being competitive. Shawne adds that she wants moms to make it happen. They inform us they will be on the second bus at 8:50am.

san carlos de bariloche monique shawne

Okay, that’s great guys, but if I could get you just to scoot over a little bit. . .

san carlos de bariloche monique shawne brent caite

There we go. Thanks, guys.

– We cut to Brent & Caite at the emergency clinic. It is only ten minutes from the cucumber hotel, apparently.

– Jeff & Jordan depart fifth at 2:01am. For once they exit without a confessional. We cut back to Brent & Caite. Brent initially claimed this is all to get Caite well.

san carlos de bariloche caite upton 2

The joke is on the other teams as Caite gets to rest on a bed in the hospital.

san carlos de bariloche brent horne

Brent convinces them to give him a bed too.

– Steve & Allie depart sixth at 2:23am. Jeff & Jordan are seventh at 2:25am as Jordan pronounces Argentina in the most flamboyant way possible.

san carlos de bariloche dan jordan pious

chip money

Dan puts on the ol’ Uneasy Chip face when he hears Jordan pronounce Argentina.

– Louie & Michael even get to depart in eighth at 3:12am. Michael reminds Louie that Louie is an accomplished poker player.

san carlos de bariloche louie michael

Judging by Louie’s appearance, this is very believable.

– They decide to head to an Internet cafe and practice five-card-stud by registering for Pokerstars and playing a few hands.

– We cut back to the hospital.

san carlos de bariloche jesus

Where apparently Jesus being crucified is supposed to be comforting for patients in the emergency room.

Speaking of crucifixions, with Caite in the same room as that cross, all we need is for Carol & Brandy to visit and make fun of Caite’s pageant performance. It would make the symbolism come to life.

What came from three hours of the emergency room visit?

san carlos de bariloche caite upton 3

Two complementary Chilean water bottles! We hope you enjoyed your stay!

san carlos de bariloche caite upton 4

Perhaps a celebratory 4:20am toke will help out these two 20-something-year-old Californians! Although they are going to a route marker called “The Old Joint”.

– Oh, Brent & Caite repeat how worried they are about catching up. They fail to acknowledge that there is still over four hours until their bus departs. Michael & Louie are still chilling at a hotel with Internet access.

– Brent & Caite run into Michael & Louie. We see Michael & Louie express their sympathies as they are in shock.

san carlos de bariloche louie michael 2

“What?! You mean there’s people in this race under the age of seventy-one?”

– Brent & Caite check out of the pit stop in last at 4:25am.

– Morning. The classic “start of day” TAR soundtrack plays. The mood stops however when Carol & Brandy interrogate Jet & Cord about the previous leg.

san carlos de bariloche cross examination

Begin!

BRANDY: Hey, it’s the enigmatic cowboys! What’d you guys end up doing yesterday? What bus did you catch?
CAROL: How did you get there so fast?
BRANDY: How did you find it? Just walk in and find it?

BRANDY: They have tricks up their sleeves, and their tricks have tricks!

– JET: I didn’t get a warm fuzzy feeling from them. A ‘hey how ya doin’ would’ve been nice.

– Jet & Cord are not shown answering Carol & Brandy’s questions. Either it was edited out or they pleaded the fifth.

What is incredible is that not only did Carol & Brandy mock a twenty year old seconds into the race without knowing who she was or meeting her, or the fact they explicitly cut in line in the previous round, but they have also grilled the most popular team so far this season.

san carlos de bariloche cord mccoy

Even Cord is amazed by their horrible social skills. Carol & Brandy have zero desire to be likeable in the eyes of the audience.

– 8:30am Del Savador Terminal: Jet & Cord; Carol & Brandy; Joe & Heidi
– 8:50am Cruz Del Sur Terminal: Dan & Jordan; Michael & Louie; Jeff & Jordan; Brent & Caite; The Invisibles

– Caite intends to sleep on the six hour bus ride. You know, because she’s sick.

– Jet & Cord say they do not have mountains like this in Oklahoma nor do they have snow on ’em.

san carlos de bariloche mountains

Welcome to Patagonia, you f—ers.

– First bus gets into town. They enter their cars. For some reason Joe is whistling like he is hailing a taxi. Perhaps he is still aligned with Carol & Brandy. Joe intends to follow Jet & Cord.

– Jet & Cord catch on that the two teams are following them.

CORD: The red team is behind us and the LESBIAN team is behind us.

Oh, Cowboys. Your homophobia truly is endearing.

san carlos de bariloche heidi wang

Just be happy he didn’t refer to Heidi as part of “the yellow team”.

– To combat the followers, Jet & Cord decrease their speed significantly. Because Carol & Brandy have about as much of a sense of humour as Kelly & Christy, they do not understand the joke being pulled.

san carlos de bariloche carol rosenfeld

They would be better off driving horses than driving cars.

CORD: I wonder if they know where the joint is.
JET: Do we know where the joint is?

bj tyler oman

They -always- know where the joint is.

– Jet proposes the idea of pulling in somewhere and let the other teams pass then pull out.

CORD: I’m gonna pull the map out.

san carlos de bariloche jet cord mccoy 4

Holy crap! He pulled the map up! What a game-changer!

– Jon Gos–er, Joe comments on Jet & Cord pulling onto a shoulder. He decides to pass em. Jet & Cord pull out in front of Carol & Brandy. Brandy honks at him quietly saying she has the right directions, but Jet & Cord troll them anyway.

It should send you a clear message when teams are screwing with you by round three. I doubt Jet & Cord would have done this to any other team except the Rhode Island Rattlesnakes.

– 8:50am. Teams race into cars and head onto the 237. Jeff & Jordan are fifth. Steve & Allie are sixth. Michael & Louie are seventh. They all state they are heading to the 237. So are Monique & Shawne.

– Brent & Caite are lost in ninth. He commands Caite to turn around. As for Dan & Jordan? They stalled. Jordan has to jump out and push the back of the car. Dan cannot get it into neutral.

san carlos de bariloche dan jordan pious 2

kyle road trip

You know you are in trouble when the strength of Kyle from Road Trip is the only source of power to fix your stalled car.

– Jordan is unable to push it and enter the car. He coaches Dan to calm down and do it nice and easy.

– We cut to Joe & Heidi being in first. They can do so much better without lugging around sextuplets.

– The three teams enter as they discuss beating a gnome.

pierre michel forget

Not those gnomes.

– Heidi politely asks to play five-card-stud.

san carlos de bariloche man

A convicted German serial rapist nods, and deals the cards.

FIRST STREET

HEIDI & JOE: 9 of spades
GNOME: 3 of hearts

Oh, nevermind. We switch to another team as we are introduced to Carol & Brandy’s dealer.

san carlos de bariloche man 2

india henry bernie 4

Henry’s hermano is their dealer. Vote 4 Pedro.

– Carol & Brandy start up another pointless TAR rivalry, and make a statement that is very true.

san carlos de bariloche table

It’s true. They can’t -let- the Cowboys beat them because this task plays out at a fixed rate. The dealer deals the cards each hand, and the players have zero say in the order or the speed in which they finish.

So you’re right, Carol. You can’t let the cowboys beat you.

– Joe & Heidi’s first hand is played out. They lack such a poker awareness that the dealer has to point out they won, and Heidi does not really understand why.

san carlos de bariloche stud

Gnome loses with Ace-high and King kicker.

Joe & Heidi have a pair of nines.

The gnome is shot in the kneecap because he failed to produce a bring-in when he was dealt the two of clubs.

– Heidi reads they must “hoof it to the pena gaucha”.

– Carol & Brandy’s hand is dealt. Brandy is aware of the outcome.

san carlos de bariloche stud 2

The dealer let them beat the cowboys.

Carol & Brandy win with King high-nine kicker, and the gnome loses with jack high-five kicker.

– Jet & Cord lose on their first hand, and in the most painful way possible.

san carlos de bariloche stud 3

I would’ve paid producers a dollar for the gnome to win with aces and eights. The dead man’s hand for a team that refuses to die in the TAR universe.

Gnome wins with aces and nines. Cowboys lose with the trucker pair of tens and fours.

– Jet & Cord comment on the gnome’s poker face like I just joked about earlier. Cord wants to see him go to Vegas.

san carlos de bariloche stare

The Oklahoma Kid versus The Gnome. Let the epic staredown commence! Although I think the gnome is staring at that metallic bra in the corner.

– Carol & Brandy and Joe & Heidi travel with their gnomes as they ask for directions to pena gaucha.

Have you ever noticed that the gnome is almost always in a different country each season?

TAR 7 — Turkey
TAR 9 — Germany
TAR 11 — China
TAR 12 — Lithuania
TAR 13 — New Zealand
TAR 14 — China
TAR 15 — Sweden
TAR 16 — Argentina

He never has a real home. The gnome is always on the move.

oman allan wu

I think he should be called a Gnomad!

san carlos de bariloche stud 4

Gnome wins with pair of tens and queen kicker.
Jet & Cord also have pair of tens, but one off with their jack kicker. Ouch.

– The most likeable alliance in TAR history of the Big Wangs and Carol & Brandy are in Pena Gaucha.

san carlos de bariloche music

And it wouldn’t be TAR 16 without another band!

estonia brian ericka 2

We had the jungle theme. This season is the music and dog theme.

– Carol & Brandy have the clue. It’s a Roadblock. Phil tells us that gauchos have worked the grasslands and ranches for generations as well as herding livestock and acting according to family traditions.

san carlos de bariloche dance

Such as creating Dancing With the Gaucho Stars.

– In this Roadblock, teams will get a lesson in a gaucho festival of a skill that is amongst the hardest to master: Steer roping.

– Teams choose a roping station, and after a roping demonstration, try to rope a target. When they succeed they must pull the target to receive their next clue.

san carlos de bariloche roadblock

The inspiration for the Ram logo is observed by the gauchos.

– Speaking of gauchos, the Cowboys try their third hand at five-card stud.

san carlos de bariloche stud 5

Cowboys win with Ace high-king and queen kickers. Gnome loses with ace high but only has king and ten kickers.

Five-card stud marks the only game that the Cowboys can win on their third attempt.

– Carol and Heidi are at the Roadblock. City slicker Carol nearly takes out her eye with the rope.

san carlos de bariloche mustache

Louie has found a friend!

rick nelson

Jealous?

– Jet & Cord arrive at the Roadblock. Geez, they finish the stud task and get to the Roadblock within twenty minutes before the other six teams arrived? Impressive.

– Jet & Cord are excited for obvious reasons as Jet commences the Roadblock. Brandy claims the task is unfair for obvious reasons.

– Cord counters the complaint by pointing out that Carol & Brandy know Spanish but they do not know a lick of the language.

– Jordan & Jeff are fourth to the stud task. Heidi proclaims the Roadblock is impossible. Cue up Jet & Cord’s theme music as Jet snags it on his first try.

san carlos de bariloche jet mccoy

Luckily editors did not air the scene where Jet leads the animal into the slaughter house.

nick linz 8

Tommy Linz brags that he would have nailed it on his try too.

– In this instance, Carol & Brandy let the Cowboys beat them.

– Cowboys read they must drive to Puente Nirihuau which overlooks the local river.

san carlos de bariloche clue

Is this Argentina or is this Utah?

– Jordan clarifies if they will be playing razz or a hi-lo split variation of five-card stud. She then takes out her own set of poker chips and shuffles them according to her will.
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Okay, this is how Jeff & Jordan’s game transpired:

JEFF (pointing at cards): Win?
DEALER: Ci.

Which is very much Jordan’s conversation with producers off camera when Julie tallied the jury votes at the BB11 finale.

– Jeff & Jordan see the Cowboys on their way out. Jet kicks himself for not nailing it on the first try. I guess it took him two. Now we get to see a montage of Carol and Heidi missing it repeatedly.

san carlos de bariloche carol rosenfeld 2

Maybe Jet needs to show her the ropes. Ohohohohohohoho.

– Commercial. We resume.

– Jeff is doing the Roadblock. Jordan tells us that Jeff is not a natural cowboy. Carol reels in the target.

JOE: If Carol can do it, you can do it.

san carlos de bariloche joe wang

In other words, if Carol sucks then you really suck.

-Heidi has it what appears to be seconds later. Wow, these are two really quick tasks. Carol & Brandy struggle to navigate as Brandy is driving but Carol claims to be “navigationally challenged”.

Then why the heck is Carol not driving?

– Dan & Jordan’s driving woes have yet to end.

san carlos de bariloche truck

virtual stuck behind a bus

It is almost as frustrating as Virtual Stuck Behind a Bus.

– Brent is adamant that he is directing Caite onto the right road.

BRENT: This isn’t you. You sound like you’re about to cry.
CAITE: I’m about to cry because I don’t feel good–
BRENT: I know you don’t feel good. I don’t feel good.
CAITE: I would if you’d actually get these directions right.
BRENT: Why don’t you get them right?

Pssst. She’s driving.

– Steve & Allie are stoked to play poker. Jeff calls the rope a bitch as he proclaims to be city rather than country. Steve & Allie pass the task.

san carlos de bariloche drink

The gnome is allowed to drink but Caite cannot. Hilarious.

– Jet & Cord enter the route marker as they begin searching the cliffs for the clue. Cowboy theme song plays as they exit the vehicle. They determine if dropping the gnome on the cliff is as bad as breaking a leg. They reach the clue box.

san carlos de bariloche cliff

I wish Jody was around to trip and fall on the rocks.

– Jet & Cord read that it is a Detour. Horse Sense or Horse Power.

san carlos de bariloche phil

Watch out, Phil! They’re coming for you Back to the Future 3 style!

– In Horse Sense, teams visit a gun slinger who gives them a set of directional coordinates then using an old time compass for reference, they must count out the number of steps according to the coordinates to find a bag of stolen money buried in the ground. They must deliver it to a bandit at the train station. If the coordinates on the bag match the ones on the sheet, the bandit will give them their next clue.

phuket bandit

phuket bandit 2

Not that bandit.

san carlos de bariloche horse sense

This would lead to an embarrassing incident involving Argentine vice president Dick Chino.

san carlos de bariloche ew

The same reaction that Carol & Brandy have when they are exposed to rural life.

san carlos de bariloche bandit

Unemployed bandit.

In Horse Power, teams make their way to a polo field and don appropriate attire. Then, pushing a practice pony, and alternating turns, they must attempt to score a goal in nine swings of the mallet or less. If they succeed they will receive their next clue. If not, they must start again.

san carlos de bariloche man 3

Great success!

san carlos de bariloche horse

Joyce Agu will be happy the horses are not real.

– Jet & Cord choose to do Horse Power. They see the training field below them, and opt to run there. Jeff finally snags it as no other teams are around. In other words, right around two minutes.

san carlos de bariloche gnome 4

Pop quiz: Which has the larger brain?

– Steve is doing the Roadblock. Michael & Louise enter the saloon to play cards with what he hopes are girls. The girls he refers to are Monique & Shawne. Steve reels in the clue seconds later.

– Jet & Cord are at the Horse Power Detour. We see them being teased as locals get to play Polo on regular horses.

– Jet & Cord are indeed disappointed. Cord feels like one of his twelve nieces and nephews (is the McCoy family Mormon?) and knows how they get on horses. Today he feels like one of his nieces or nephews.

san carlos de bariloche jet cord mccoy 5

It appears being on a real horse would be easier for Jet & Cord.

– Carol & Brandy have a tantrum over a river. Carol is angry that Brandy refuses to trust her. Jon Gosselin & Heidi admit they have passed by the route marker. Jet & Cord’s lead increases.

– Carol & Brandy have the clue.

CAROL: I think horse sets.
BRANDY: You’re the leader.
CAROL: I’m not the leader.

Shut it, Brandy. God, you’re annoying.

– Jet & Cord are at the finish line. They only needed one attempt as they collect the trophy bearing their next route marker. Cord poses with it like it is an Oscar and does a short ‘thank you’ speech for his family.

san carlos de bariloche jet cord mccoy 6

CASUAL FAN: OMG!!! Cowboys so funny!!!!!!!

– The name of the place on their trophy turns out to be the location of the pit stop for this leg of the race. It is an enormous horse ranch in the foothills of the “imposing” Andes mountains. The last team to check in here will be eliminated unless it is Maria & Tiffany.

san carlos de bariloche estancia fortin chacabuco

Chacabuco is Spanish for “Chocolate Buck”.

– JET: Estancia. Doesn’t that mean ranch in Spanish?

I thought you just said you didn’t know a lick of Spanish?

petrohue carol brandy 4

“Cowboy Conspiracy!”

– Jet is still pissed about the horse. Carol & Brandy meet up with the gunslinger.

san carlos de bariloche man 4

Who is discreetly just a few yards away from a man discreetly taking a dump on the train tracks.

– Carol & Brandy have their coordinates. You know what is the best task for a bickering team?

san carlos de bariloche steps

Count out 199 steps.

jay z

“If you’ve got girl problems I feel bad for you lesbians, you’re gonna count 199 steps and the bags you’ll find will be less than one.”

– Jeff & Jordan are third to the clue box. For some reason the airtime has dropped for them as they choose to do the bag search because Jeff refuses to ride a horse.

petrohue jet cord mccoy 4

“Save a horse. Ride a cowboy, Jordan.”

– Joe notes that Team Big Brother jumped a spot on them. Dan & Jordan park at the Hole in the Gnome game. I guess Michael & Louie and Monique & Shawne both have their gnomes because Shawne and Louie are doing the Roadblock. Dan & Jordan are done the card game and Dan decides to do it.

– Carol & Brandy walk sixty-four steps. Carol says Brandy is the stepmaster. No infomercials present. They find a shovel on their path and begin digging. Brandy says she is having a tough time removing dirt.

What’s the next step? Find one of those farming machines that can dig up the dirt for Carol & Brandy? If they cannot use a shovel properly there is no hope for them.

– Jeff reads the clue aloud.

JEFF: Take em to the lead bandit (looks up), that’s you.

san carlos de bariloche man 5

Flattered.

– Jeff & Jordan only have to count 189 steps. Joe & Heidi are third to the clue box. They decide to search for the bag because Joe has a watch with a compass on it. They get to the field and we get our third consecutive act of stupidity.

1: Carol stops counting because she saw a shiny shovel, and resumed her count after that when Brandy could not remove the dirt. Brandy is pissed.
2: Jeff & Jordan do not know how to read.
3: Joe refuses to count steps because you only need to count the steps if you do not have a compass.

san carlos de bariloche joe heidi wang

Stop Wanging around, says Big Joe. He’s got a watch with a compass. In his mind he is the motherf—ing man.

dwight k schrute

Mine has a compass AND a timer.

– Heidi’s protests mean nothing to Joe.

CAROL: Pfffft. We found the coordinates perfectly.
BRANDY: You saw the shovel and went running ahead. That was not sixty-three steps.
CAROL: The shovel is a sign like “hello”.
BRANDY: The shovel was shy of our coordinates because you went running ahead.
CAROL: I’ve heard that a few times.

Lesbian anger.

CAROL: Look, there’s Steve & Allie!

– Steve & Allie have removed their Invisibility Cloak and are observed by another team. We have not seen Steve & Allie since they painted the inside of a stranger’s house in the first round.

san carlos de bariloche steve smith

Philadelphia Pholly’d.

I should note there is a dog watching from the distance. See him?

– Allie comments that he totally fell. Carol proposes to Brandy after two seconds of digging that she wants to switch to the Horse Power task. Brandy wants Carol to make that call.

CAROL: Oh god I’m going to sit down and quit. I can’t do anything.
(CAROL hurls down a water bottle.)
BRANDY: That’s a nice temper tantrum.

san carlos de bariloche carol brandy 2

R.I.P. Water bottle.

BRANDY: At this point we’re not communicating very well.

san carlos de bariloche carol brandy 3

Angry Degeneres silently agrees.

– Carol announces that they shall switch to the Horse Power task. Oddly enough we switch to Brent & Caite who are in dead last. Brent exits the vehicle to get directions and Caite lays the smackdown.

san carlos de bariloche caite upton 5

Caite adds that Brent cannot drive a stick shift. Also, Caite adds that Brent sings late 80s pop tunes on bus rides, and clips his own toenails in front of other people which embarrasses her.

san carlos de bariloche brent horne 2

The longer Brent asks for directions, the more time it gives Caite to expose all of his dirty little secrets on national television. I bet the camera operator and sound operator are grilling Caite during this precious moment of frustration and fatigue.

– Monique & Shawne have a confessional regarding Shawne’s struggles with steer roping. She admits to watching the example several times. Neither seem terribly bummed about it.

– Dan ropes it in. Monique cheers on Dan’s success with the locals.

san carlos de bariloche dan pious

Dan kisses the bull by the horns.

– Dan & Jordan run off to their vehicle in sixth place, but not before Dan trash talks now that Louie and Shawne are outside of earshot.

san carlos de bariloche locals

The legion of fans cheer on Dan in the meantime.

san carlos de bariloche dan pious 2

stone cold steve austin 2

The Rhode Island Rattlesnake is at it again!

– Joe & Heidi dig up a hole. Joe discovers an empty hole. Nada. Jeff & Jordan have a bag and hand it to who they think is the lead bandit. Indeed he is merely a gunslinger.

san carlos de bariloche bandit 2

Even TAR proceeds to mock Jeff Schroeder.

And who does the bandit think he is with that toothpick, anyway?

razor ramon

Razor Ramon?
– Joe has the loot.

JOE: Hey Jeff, where’s the train station?
JEFF: I don’t know. . .(to JORDAN) What is he talking about?

Ah. If only Joe said nothing whatsoever.

– Steve & Allie and Carol & Brandy are at the Horse Power task. Carol needs a few swings before connecting to hit it a few feet. Steve has a really good shot.

– Joe & Heidi are at the train station and see the bandit. They hand over a bag they randomly found. Obviously it does not match. Joe decides to switch to the Horse Power task.

san carlos de bariloche bandit 3

I spit on you Americans.

– Dan & Jordan choose Horse Sense. Jeff says their bags now should be “exactly right”. Jordan offers the bags.

san carlos de bariloche jordan lloyd

Please sir, can I have a clue?

– Jeff is frustrated and said if the gunslinger’s guns are real then he would have shot himself with it because he was getting frustrated.

san carlos de bariloche jeff jordan

Oddly enough, that is the same pose Jordan is in after she has dinner each day.

– Jordan complains it is taking too long. Jeff re-reads the clue several times. Meanwhile Brent is confident that he and Caite are close to the route marker.

– Louie ropes in the bull. Michael proclaims Louie to be a cowboy as they run off.

san carlos de bariloche monique pryor

A concerned Monique begins to worry. Is she praying or is she praying?

– Brandy has issues with getting a good shot as Carol pulls a Kelly & Jon by telling her to pretend it is her face. We see Steve in a rather precarious position.

san carlos de bariloche steve allie smith

Steve Smith: The first man to get injured by falling off of a wooden stationary horse.

– Steve groans in pain. Allie is concerned and asks what is hurting. He jokingly answers “what isn’t hurting?”

– Steve & Allie are finished the task. Are they second? Carol takes the final swing and finishes the task. Joe & Heidi begin the Horse Power option.

san carlos de bariloche joe heidi wang 2

Something is not right.

san carlos de bariloche joe heidi wang 3

Uh oh. . .

san carlos de bariloche joe heidi wang 4

Honey!

san carlos de bariloche joe heidi wang 5

Splat.

– Joe could not have been in a more stable position, but manages to find a way to do a faceplant. You know what makes it even more delicious?

san carlos de bariloche joe heidi wang 6

He does it again two seconds later! They have yet to leave the starting line.

san carlos de bariloche sylvia kwan

I think Sylvia was just being sneaky and pushed him off when nobody was looking.

– Michael & Louie are seventh to the Detour. Louie wants to do the Horse Sense task because they are gunslingers.

– Brent & Caite are last to the card game. They see Shawne continuing to struggle at the Roadblock.

san carlos de bariloche stud 7

Congratulations, Brent. You’re a real card shark with that commentary.

– Shawne groans when she throws now. Brent & Caite are at the Roadblock. Caite does not think she can do it. Shawne admits she has never lassoed cattle.

– Brent is done on the second try. Just like that. Monique cannot bear to look.

san carlos de bariloche caite monique

I love how Monique’s frustration is not filmed from her perspective. It is focused from Caite’s side. Fantastic.

san carlos de bariloche brent caite 4

Brent wonders how they are not in dead last at the moment. . .and wonders when those two women joined the cast for this season.

– Monique wants some girl power. How will girl power work out?

san carlos de bariloche shawne morgan

So close. . .

san carlos de bariloche shawne morgan 2

And yet so far.

Girl power has worked out for Shawne & Monique about as well as it has for all other female teams in the first sixteen seasons of TAR.

san carlos de bariloche monique pryor 2

Argentina is outside of Jesus’ jurisdiction.

– Commercial. We resume with music from somebody at the gaucho festival. Shawne is guessing they are last, but knows there could be twists and turns.

– Shawne and Monique hold an annoying prayer service which is why they never receive any airtime in the first place. Shawne succeeds. Monique is ready to cream herself. They thank Jesus regardless of the fact he ignored the first twenty requests.

– Jet & Cord enter through the gate.

CORD: Oh. . .My. . .Gravy. Suh-weet.

OH MY GRAVY count: 5

– Phil comments that there is a real cowboy next to him at the mat.

san carlos de bariloche jet cord mccoy 7

“All cowboys must know how to tip a hat properly.”

san carlos de bariloche cowboy

Ho ho!

san carlos de bariloche jet cord mccoy 8

Jet is wet already. Wet Jet.

san carlos de bariloche cowboy 2

Hopefully the pit stop is longer than the mandatory twelve hour rest period.

– FIRST PLACE: JET & CORD

Jet sounds like the Ying Yang Twins when he celebrates. They are told they have won a trip from Travelocity for ten days back here to Patagonia. The only region they have been after three rounds.

– Phil inquires about the belt buckles and asks how those buckles are not slowing them down.

CORD: They hold our pants up.
PHIL: I know they hold our pants up.
JET: We’d be slower with our pants around our ankles.

san carlos de bariloche phil keoghan

This is getting really awkward. Is Phil and the gaucho seriously staring at Jet & Cord’s belt buckles on their crotch?

– Jordan pulls up a rope with nothing on it. Jeff is flabbergasted that their bag was incorrect. Dan & Jordan are lost. Michael draws a game plan of looking for the bag on the ground.

san carlos de bariloche michael louie

Our imaginary QB goes here, and our running back runs a play action to the right of the gunslinger. . .

san carlos de bariloche stick

May not be to scale.

– Louie & Michael fight over where it would be. Michael thinks it will be next to the post but Louie wants to backtrack even further.

MICHAEL: I thought after doing police work after twenty-three years you’d know how to do a grid search.

san carlos de bariloche michael louie 2

And so the truth comes out.

– Dan & Jordan find a bag. It is not remotely close to their coordinates. They immediately switch.

– Michael & Louie have a bag. Michael unties it thinking it is theirs, but it turns out to be Jeff & Jordan’s.

san carlos de bariloche bag

Louie only executes search warrants. What’s your excuse, Michael?

– Jeff delivers the bag and acts all confident as he drops the bag. He reads the clue again and notes his mistake. Jeff admits they were really dumb for not reading the “at the train station” part of the clue which they ignored every single time. He experiences an epiphany.

san carlos de bariloche jeff jordan 2

Amen.

1: Carol stops counting because she saw a shiny shovel, and resumed her count after that when Brandy could not remove the dirt. Brandy is pissed.
2: Jeff & Jordan do not know how to read.
3: Joe refuses to count steps because you only need to count the steps if you do not have a compass.
4: Dan & Jordan miss it by two hundred miles.
5: Michael digs up somebody else’s coordinates.

Jeff & Jordan are the only team to complete this Detour, and much like the TAR 24 alliance, it was done strictly by accident.

– Joe is done. Heidi asks for the clue, but Jon Gosse–, Mr. Wang notes the clue is on the bottom.

SECOND PLACE: STEVE & ALLIE

Steve pulls a little swap at the pit stop.

san carlos de bariloche steve smith 2

Daddy always wanted to be a cowboy. . .

three amigos

Or Steve Martin in Three Amigos.

san carlos de bariloche pit stop greeter

And he gets to look like Colin Farrell.

– Carol yells “LEFT!” to point out the pit stop.

THIRD PLACE: CAROL & BRANDY

Brandy hugs it out and asks if she is happy. She notes if they do not pull out of this bickering mood then they shall self-destruct.

– Dan & Jordan pick a horse. Jordan wants to pick the light blue polo shirts as opposed to the black ones.

san carlos de bariloche dan jordan pious 3

Ah, Argentina’s colours.

– Jordan makes the first shot. Dan starts moving towards the ball.

JORDAN: What are you doing?
DAN: Bring it over here. Get off the horse. Stop sitting there.

san carlos de bariloche jordan pious

“Moving? That wasn’t part of the deal!”

– The sixth or seventh soundtrack plays as Jeff & Jordan deliver their bag to the lead bandit. A man on horseback takes the bag away.

san carlos de bariloche horse 2

san carlos de bariloche horse 3

san carlos de bariloche horse 4

This cowboy theme is going way too far. There have been five or six unique cowboy soundtracks throughout the episode, and that is excluding the three primarily used for Jet & Cord.

the good the bad and the ugly

I feel we are on the tipping point of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly being played.

– While other teams have a trophy containing their next pit stop location, Jeff & Jordan receive a coin.

san carlos de bariloche coin

Keep the souvenir, folks.

– Dan & Jordan failed to get it in nine shots. The only team who did so. Ouch.

FOURTH PLACE: JOE & HEIDI

– Dan accidentally knocks the ball into a divot. I assume it is like a slight ditch of some sort. Jordan is unable to hit it far out of the divot.

– Michael & Louie have yet to find a bag and choose to switch to Horse Power. They did a task only they could do for another team.

– Dan & Jordan fail the Detour task for a second time when. . .

san carlos de bariloche trailing

When all three trailing teams have caught up with them! This is not good.

– Commercial. We resume. We replay Dan’s final shot and throwing down the club out of frustration. He put more force into throwing the club than throwing the ball.

– Michael says he weighs more than the average cowboy. Most likely because he is not the average cowboy. Him and Louie should be really strong when carrying the horse, right?

san carlos de bariloche michael louie 3

The team that thought they would win every leg, ladies and gentlemen!

– Jordan fires a shot that launches the ball a third of the way down the course. Michael only hit it about ten feet. Brent has similar skills. Dan sucks at the next shot and wonders how Jordan is doing so well.

– Dan & Jordan complete it on their third attempt and finish the task in sixth place. Jordan admits the race has kicked their ass thus far.

FIFTH PLACE: JEFF & JORDAN

JORDAN: I can’t even read you. You scare me.
PHIL: I scare me too.
JORDAN: I was trying to read your face and you’re just like. . .blank.

san carlos de bariloche jordan lloyd 2

Which Jordan is really good at doing as well.

san carlos de bariloche phil keoghan 2

“So this is the type of people they cast for Big Brother?”

– Michael sucks at another shot. They choose to go back and start again. Let’s see Monique’s latest shot.

san carlos de bariloche ball

They -could- ask for Jesus’ help, but I do not believe Jesus ever played Polo to my recollection.

– Brent is worried he does not have any physical strength left. Shawne sounds like Big Bird as she is in pain moving the horse.

san carlos de bariloche monique shawne 2

Oh god. I had to rewind that clip six times. It is one of the most f—ed up sounds I have ever heard on The Amazing Race.

– Michael comments that the moms are far back and are getting tired.

josh koscheck

They’re gettin’ tired!

san carlos de bariloche monique shawne 3

Monique & Shawne are pushing the horse on its side, dragging it, and lifting it back up before somebody jumps on to do the next shot?

They are likely making a ten second process turn into a full minute.

san carlos de bariloche monique shawne 4

You know that threshold I talk about every season called “race fatigue”? That point where a team thought to be strong for the first half of the season just crumble due to a complete lack of energy?

Well, this is a horrible sign when Monique & Shawne look absolutely done before the end of round three. What is scary is that this round has not been anywhere near as physical as most rounds in TAR history. Shawne used a lasso, and Monique’s only job was to sit down at a poker table until producers told her she won.

– Brent’s shot gets them really close to the line. Michael said a poor kid from Providence never dreams of playing Polo. It would be a weird dream to have. We see Monique resting whenever Shawne takes a shot. Brent & Caite finish the task in seventh.

CAITE: You’ve got it, Mommy.
BRENT: Hang in there, guys.

san carlos de bariloche monique shawne 5

Yeah, all they have to do is beat Michael & Louie and–

san carlos de bariloche louie michael 3

Michael cannot help but boasting about his success of beating the only all-female team that is behind him.

– Brent & Caite are not running up the path. They are just walking. Monique & Shawne fail their third attempt.

SIXTH PLACE: DAN & JORDAN

– Monique & Shawne prepare for round number four. Shawne says her hands are freezing after the first shot.

SHAWNE: We decided to switch Detours because we thought if we did it any longer we would injure our backs.

REAL SHAWNE: Monique didn’t want to do that task anymore.

– They say the task required too much strength, as if it was too much for two women, but yet Carol & Brandy only needed two attempts to complete that task earlier.

– Brent & Caite see the pit stop. Funny thing is that Caite is the one who spots it.

san carlos de bariloche sheep

You find reality TV interesting? Y’all are just a bunch of sheep.

SEVENTH PLACE: BRENT & CAITE

Brent says he is just happy to be here.

– The sun is about to set. I bet they only have one hour of daylight remaining. If they successfully count the steps, I will be amazed.

EIGHTH PLACE: LOUIE & MICHAEL

LOUIE: Thanks Phil, I wanna say ‘I love you’.
PHIL: I don’t wanna hear that.

san carlos de bariloche louie michael 4

I am stunned.

A middle-aged all-male team was really confident they would sweep every leg in the race like an antagonist of the Karate Kid.

But instead they finish ninth, ninth, and eighth.

They are only one spot away from having the worst possible average after three legs. In fact, out of all sixteen US seasons and three Asian seasons, they have the WORST team average after three legs.

Sure, one bad leg in the premiere is excusable because you need to get all the jitters out. But this is consistent now. They are continuing to prove that they are the worst team out here.

And that is lovely.

* I lied. Louie & Michael have the worst team average if anybody to -survive- three legs.

– Monique & Shawne find their bag and thank the Lord in the process who has a secret love for bandits. They wanted to be an example for their kids, and Shawne says Monique had guts to do this.

LAST PLACE: MONIQUE & SHAWNE

Somehow Monique is shocked they are last. Both say the world (just southern South America) is beautiful. They say something about ugly cries, but who cares really?

And there goes one of the blandest double minority teams in TAR history.

Oh, and both African-American teams are already out. Where is Chip & Kim or Uchenna & Joyce when you need them? Or at least Lyn & Karlyn made it to the Final Three and they were an all-female team too.

linda spencer

I think Mother Africa discussed religion less than Monique & Shawne.

Next Time on TAR: In Hamburg, Germany, et & Cord drink up and when teams pair up Brandy leans on Dan.

Yep. Another episode about Carol & Brandy. I am sure it will win over the audience as much as this one!

In all seriousness, an episode about Carol & Brandy is like an episode about Megan Linz and Meg Griffin combined.

Back in 2005, viewers happily chose to shoot themselves twice in the anus rather than watch a segment with Megan Linz.

P.S. Yes, Jet & Cord were cast specifically for TAR 16 because producers wanted to use their background for this leg. Their advantage at the lasso task easily propelled them to the lead.

Number of Episodes Where a Team is Specifically Mentioned in the Next Time On. . . Segment

CAROL & BRANDY: 2
JET & CORD: 2
DAN & JORDAN: 1

CONFESSIONAL COUNT

BRENT.CAITE 5.5
CAROL.BRANDY 2.1
JET.CORD 3.3
JOE.HEIDI 3.0
DAN.JORDAN 0.1
JEFF.JORDAN 2.2
MICHAEL.LOUIE 0.1
MONIQUE.SHAWNE 3.6
STEVE.ALLIE 0.0

Team Averages

Below is a list of all teams from seasons I have blogged to date, ranked by racing average.

e.g. Don & Mary Jean finished 9th, 8th, 8th, 8th, and 8th. Add up the numbers and divide it by the number of legs they have played.

Therefore their average is 8.2.

Bulls— Round One/Starting Line Eliminations
Eric & Lisa N/A
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A

— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0 TAR 4
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0 TAR 3
11th Adrian & Dana 11.0 TAR 16
11th Preston & Jennifer 11.0 TAR 14
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0 TAR 13
11th Ari & Staella 11.0 TAR 12
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0 TAR 11
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0 TAR 10
11th John & Scott 11.0 TAR 9
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0 TAR 7
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0 TAR 6
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0 TAR 5
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0 TAR 2
11th Matt & Ana 11.0 TAR 1
10th Edwin & Monica 10.0 Only team to finish last for the first two rounds of the race TAR Asia 3
10th Jody & Shannon 10.0 TAR Adventure 16
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0 TAR 9
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0 TAR 11
10th Neena & Amit 10.0 TAR Asia 3
10th A Black Family 10.0 TAR 8
— F +–
10th Steve & Linda 9.4 TAR 14
10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????) TAR 13
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.) TAR 7
11th Garrett & Jessica 9.5 TAR 15
10th Kate & Pat 9.0 TAR 12
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0 TAR 11
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0 May or may not be gutsy. TAR 2
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0 TAR 6
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF TAR 3
9th Marianna & Julia 8.33 TAR 12
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33 TAR 4
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2 Saved by NEL once TAR 6
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0 TAR 10
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0 TAR 1
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8 Yielded TAR 9
8th Marisa & Brooke 7.75 Sucked. TAR 13
7th Mika & Canaan 7.67  Why the heck did they sign up? TAR 15
9th Marcy & Ron 7.67 Bald. TAR 15
9th Isaac & William 7.5 TAR Asia 3
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33 TAR 5
8th Aiello Family 7.0 TAR 8
8th Singaporean Sophie & French Born Aurelia 7.0 (French Born Aurelia sadly does not know the English words for ‘team averages’. :/) TAR Asia 2
–D minus–
8th Tom & Terry 7.0 TAR 10
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0 R.I.P. Margaretta TAR 1
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0 Producers refused to hay bail them. TAR 6
10th Hope & Norm 7.0 TAR 2
7th Christie & Jodi 6.67 Saved by NEL–Became the Devil of Casting Later TAR 14
9th Brad & Victoria 6.67 TAR 14
7th Niroo & Kapil 6.75 TAR Asia 3
6th Maria & Tiffany 6.57 Saved by NEL once and Justin’s blunder again TAR 15
9th Rogers Family 6.5 R.I.P. Renee. TAR 8
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5 TAR 7
6th Henry & Terri 6.44 Used Their Yield; saved by a non-elimination round THREE times. R.I.P. Henry. TAR Asia 2
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43 Saved by NEL once TAR 1
9th Brett & Kinar 6.33 Rocky finish. TAR Asia 2
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 6.33 TAR Asia 1
8th Pailin & Natalie 6.33 TAR Asia 3
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25 TAR 9
7th Aja & Cabbie 6.2 TAR 13
7th Paul & Amie 6.2 TAR 1
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF TAR 4
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF Saved by NEL once TAR 10
–D+–
8th Lance & Keri 6.0 TAR 15
9th Zev & Justin 6.0 Passport lost. TAR 15
10th Ernie & Jeena 6.0 TAR Asia 1
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0 TAR 4
6th Andre & Damon 5.86 TAR 3
7th Daichi & Sawaka 5.83 TAR Asia 2
7th Dave & Lori 5.83 Saved by NEL once TAR 9
5th Kami & Karli 5.8 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8 TAR 3
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8 TAR 2
7th Shana & Jennifer 5.8 Used U-Turn TAR 12
9th Heather & Eve 5.75 Legal team beaten by rule book. TAR 3
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67 R.I.P. Nancy. Saved by NEL once. TAR 1
6th Gaghan Family 5.5 TAR 8
10th Alison & Donny 5.5 TAR 5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF TAR 4
8th Sahil & Prashant 5.4 FF. Beaten by a bunch of rules. TAR Asia 1
–C minus–
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36 Saved by NEL twice TAR 7
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF TAR 4
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33 TAR 5
9th Monique & Shawne 5.33 TAR 16. Praise Jesus.
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33 TAR 7
7th Gus & Hera 5.29 TAR 6
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25 Saved by NEL once TAR 11
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25 TAR 5
8th Lorena & Jason 5.25 U-Turned TAR 12
5th Mark & Michael 5.22 Saved by NEL once but came up just short TAR 14
3rd Andrew & Dan 5.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 13
7th Silver & Gold/ Wil & Grace 5.17 TAR 3
6th Kelly & Christy 5.14 TAR 13
7th Ray & Deana 5.0 FF TAR 7
7th Melody & Sharon 5.0. Screwed over by weird penalty for another team. TAR Asia 1
9th Steve & Josh 5.0  FF TAR 4
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0  FF TAR 1
9th Mark & Bill 5.0  Wah. TAR 13
5th Fran & Barry 4.89 TAR 9
6th Howard & Sahran 4.88 TAR Asia 1
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85 – Yielded TAR 10
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF and saved by NEL once TAR 3
6th Mai & Oliver 4.8 In a car TAR Asia 3
7th Teri & Ian All Stars 4.83 TAR 11
7th Schroeder Family 4.75 TAR 8
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71 – Used Yield TAR 9
6th Brian & Greg 4.71 TAR 7
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70 TAR 10
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF and Used Yield and Yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 6
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67 TAR 10
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 6
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF TAR 3
8th Kris & Jo–er, Amanda 4.50 U-Turned TAR 14
5th Paula & Natasha 4.45 saved by NEL once TAR Asia 2
5th Uchenna & Joyce All Stars 4.33 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 11
4th Kisha & Jen 4.27 Saved by NEL once, U-Turned once TAR 14
3rd Brian & Ericka 4.25 saved by NEL once TAR 15
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF TAR 2
–B minus–
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23 saved by NEL once TAR 9
5th Gary & Matt 4.22 saved by NEL once and c—blocked once in Saunabuss TAR 15
3rd Nicolas & Donald 4.18 FF and U-Turned TAR 12
4th Linda & Karen 4.17 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
3rd Charla & Mirna All Stars 4.15 TAR 11
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.) TAR 2
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF and Used Yield TAR 8
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11 TAR 7
5th Andy & Laura 4.00 – Yielded TAR Asia 1
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF, saved by NEL, grew goatees TAR 4
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 2
2nd Jaime & Cara 3.92 TAR 14
2nd Pamela & Vanessa 3.92 TAR Asia 2
4th A.D. & Fuzzie 3.90 – U-Turned and saved by NEL once TAR Asia 3
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF TAR 2
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85 Saved by NEL twice TAR 4
1st Zabrina & Joe Jer 3.77 saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
2nd Sandy & Francesca 3.77 – Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
4th Diane & Ann 3.75 – Yielded TAR Asia 2
4th Jon & Al 3.73 TAR 4
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71 TAR 5
–B+–
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 2
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF TAR 4
5th Kynt & Vyxsin 3.63 Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 12
1st Eric & Danielle All Stars 3.62 – Yielded Twice, saved by NEL once TAR 11
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF, saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
6th Mel & Mike 3.57 TAR 14
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56 TAR 6
3rd Ida & Tania 3.54 Saved by NEL twice TAR Asia 3
4th Joseph & Monica 3.50 – Yielded TAR 9
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46 TAR Asia 1
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46 – Used Yield and Yielded TAR 6
2nd Ronald & Christina 3.45 TAR 12
4th Nathan & Jennifer 3.40 – Never finished in 1st TAR 12
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 2
1st Chip & Kim 3.38 – Used Yield TAR 5
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF TAR 1
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
5th Terence & Sarah 3.25 TAR 13
1st TK & Rachel 3.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 12
4th Godlewski Family 3.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 8
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17 – Used Yield, saved by NEL once
–A minus–
2nd Sam & Dan 3.17 U-Turned Pointlessly TAR 15
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17 TAR 10
3rd Weaver Family 3.15 – Yielded Twice, saved by NEL twice TAR 8
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF TAR 4
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 7
4th Toni & Dallas 3.10 Still in Russia TAR 13
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF TAR 3
2nd Geoff 26 & Tisha 31  3.09 Used Yield and U-Turn TAR Asia 3
4th Herb & Nate a.k.a. Flight Time & Big Easy 3.09 TAR 15. Znarf!
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF TAR 10
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00 – Yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 7
6th Azaria & Hendekea 3.00 TAR 12
4th Hayden & Aaron Saved by NEL once 2.92 TAR 6
2nd Dustin & Kandice All Stars 2.92 – Used Yield TAR 10
2nd Bransen Family Saved by NEL once 2.85 TAR 8
1st Linz Family 2.77 – Used Yield TAR 8
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 1
–BEST OF THE BEST–
3rd Margie & Luke 2.75 Used U-Turn once TAR 14
5th Henry & Bernie/Bunn-Eh 2.75 – Yielded TAR Asia 3
8th Rob & Amber All Stars 2.75 – Used Yield, Choked TAR 11
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 3
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF TAR 3
4th Oswald & Danny All Stars 2.67 FF x2, Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 11
2nd Ken & Tina 2.64 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 13
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF, Yielded, and saved by NEL once TAR 5
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF TAR 2
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF TAR 1
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF, Used Yield, and saved by NEL twice TAR 9
1st Vince & Sam 2.45 FF TAR Asia 3
1st Nick & Starr 2.45 FF TAR 13
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF TAR 10
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF TAR 1
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38 TAR 6
1st Tammy & Victor 2.33 Used U-Turn Once TAR 14
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31 TAR 7
1st Adrian & Collin 2.23 FF TAR Asia 2
1st Meghan & Cheyne 2.00 FF TAR 15
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF TAR 9
lol 3rd Marc & Rovilson 1.46 Used Yield and Yielded TAR Asia 2

Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)

11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 10 + 11
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 3 + 11
18 legs Danielle 4.78 yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
19 legs Teri & Ian 4.63 FF TAR 3 + 11
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF TAR 1 + 11
20 legs Charla & Mirna 4.00 TAR 5 + 11
21 legs Joe & Bill 3.71 FF, saved by NEL thrice TAR 1 + 11
22 legs Uchenna & Joyce 3.64 FF x2, saved by NEL twice TAR 7 + 11
*31 legs Eric & Danielle 3.48 FF, yielded x3, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
23 legs Oswald & Danny 3.30 FF x3, used Yield, saved by NEL twice TAR 2 + 11
25 legs Dustin & Kandice 3.04 used Yield twice, saved by NEL once TAR 10 + 11
26 legs Eric 2.65 FF, yielded x2, saved by NEL once  TAR 9 + 11
17 legs Rob & Amber 2.41 Used Yield TAR 7 + 11

* I determined Eric & Danielle’s average in this last section by adding up all of their individual points from TAR 9, then adding up their total points in All Stars and dividing it by 31.

Rank the Teams

1) Jody & Shannon

Shannon may be one of the blandest people to ever be on The Amazing Race. I can honestly not recall a single word Shannon said in either of the two episodes. Her personality is as thin as her body.

Clearly, that is not why this team was cast.

After this season we only have one older team that comes to mind. Here in TAR 16 we are granted the oldest exception for the franchise as Jody Kelly runs the race at seventy-one. She competed in rowing, triathlons, half marathons, and does weight training on the side.

Sure, she would get beaten by TAR Ukraine’s Vladimir Valisenko by one year at the age of 72, but hey, did anyone follow TAR Ukraine? There was a season in 2013, but why wasn’t there one in 2014?

Jody also happened to be one of the most eloquent confessionalists in series history. There has never been a person in reality TV history who speaks more clearly and coherently than her. She needs to be given major props for that.

These two could have survived longer if they wished to do so, but there was zero competitive fire. It is like they chose not to race hard because they were afraid of hurting the other team’s feelings. If Adrian was able to get across that cable, Jody & Shannon would have slowed down like an adult racing their five year old niece.

Sadly, their inability to preserve a second-to-last place is what prevented them from making a reasonable run. They were certainly capable of it. Plenty of teams would have helped them if Jody & Shannon were willing to fight harder to stay in.

Instead Jeff Schroeder helps middle-aged males in physical shape get out of last place and ultimately beat Jody & Shannon by about five to ten minutes. Seriously Jeff, you must have known Jody & Shannon were in last. You really didn’t want to take the time to ignore Michael & Louie?

Just imagine a world where Michael & Louie, a team who proclaimed they would win all twelve legs, get eliminated by a 71 year old in the second round of the race following a ninth place finish in the premiere.

But that was not Jody & Shannon’s goal. They just wanted an adventure rather than a competition. Complete your run rather than win the run. This decision results in a very predictable finish for them.

We need somebody in their 70s who truly believes they can win The Amazing Race. That is what we need to see.

If only they fought for a better bus.

2) Adrian & Dana

She, uh. . .should have done the Roadblock.

3) Monique & Shawne

Monique & Shawne may be the most religious team I have seen on The Amazing Race since The Weaver Family. They were shown a little bit in the premiere where all they did was talk about Jesus. It is one thing for teams to be religious on The Amazing Race, but if it is incorporated into every action they take or every confessional where they speak, you are essentially giving editors zero footage to use.

Nobody wants to watch a show called The Amazing Sermon.

Them being invisible was not surprising because of this. It makes for rather boring television, and you wonder what was dynamic enough to put them on the race.

The other annoying thing about this team is that Monique did not physically prepare herself for the race, and producers were willing to cast her. Her and Shawne were both fatigued just three rounds into the game. You cannot fault Monique & Shawne for this, but rather producers should be ashamed for green-lighting a middle-aged all-female team who were out of shape.

Lastly, their early elimination qualifies them for being one of the least memorable minority teams in The Amazing Race history.

P.S. And they were the only obstacle to prevent Michael & Louie from suffering the biggest humiliation in The Amazing Race history. Boo.

Rank the Legs

1) Valparaiso, Chile -> Puerto Varas, Chile

The “most gruelling season ever” takes a huge step down in difficulty for this round.

Perhaps the biggest obstacle was for the racers to see Jeff & Jordan every twenty seconds. We did not see any of the other nine teams check out of the pit stop. The only drama with them was missing both buses in Temuco, but still being in the middle of the pack for the whole round.

The other obstacle was hearing the City Slickers theme repeatedly as Jet & Cord utter the phrase “oh my gravy” four times. Lone Rangers was uttered three times. References to their hat protectors was out of hand, too. Their sneaky little tactic to be the first bus into town  is when they were the most popular team in TAR at the time.

The initial route marker of making teams two or more buses along with taking a car and a boat was one of the best in TAR history.

However, the tasks and driving to subsequent route markers were very quick. Jump off a pier or put a blanket on a llama? Go around a barn collecting eggs, flour, and milk a cow? Then drive straight for twenty minutes to the pit stop? That is really easy stuff.

I could watch teams get kicked in the body by llamas and cows on repeat. That was the only upside to it.

In short, the five different options teams took to get to the first route markers was great. After that it was ultra easy and simplified. A bit of a letdown, really.

Screw you Jeff Schroeder for helping Michael & Louie to get out of last place to beat Jody & Shannon. If only Jody & Shannon knew to buy tickets for a connecting bus as well.

2) Puerto Varas, Chile -> San Carlos de Bariloche, Argentina

Teams are provided with bus tickets at the start of the leg? Wow. That takes a huge part of the adventure away from the show.

Once in Argentina, Jet & Cord were treated to an episode all to themselves because the entire round was a freakin’ cowboy theme. Not since Family Edition have we seen such an extreme cowboy theme at play.

The first task was one hundred percent luck as teams sat in a chair waiting for their clue. All we saw was the dealer giving cards to a team and cards to a GNOME in a poker game. If a team beat the gnome, they received their clue. Some teams were unaware when their hand was better.

Once they had the clue, teams walked one hundred feet to the Roadblock task. They appeared to take anywhere between one minute to twenty minutes at the task.

When that was done they drove a short distance to a set of cliffs where the Detour awaited. This was the only challenging task of the round (unless you were Shawne). They had to choose between counting out steps on a coordinate, dig up a bag, and bring it to the train station or taking swings at a ball and getting it past a certain distance within nine shots.

The number of teams switching from the bag bandit task to the polo task must have been a TAR record for a Detour. In fact, Monique & Shawne switched from the polo task to the bag bandit task. Only Jeff & Jordan and Steve & Allie did not switch out of all nine teams.

Steve rolling in mud, Big Joe Wang falling off a fake horse, Monique exhausted from doing nothing, and Michael & Louie completing the Detour for another team were all hilarious moments.

Also, Michael & Louie have an average of 8.67 after three rounds. Only 7.67 points off the pace for being the best of all time.

And did anyone think it was a bit unfair that Brent & Caite were treated and given care for over three hours as they had plenty of time to catch a bus? Sure, Brent was terrible at directions and only a lasso saved him as Caite demonstrated her stick shift skills, but you can’t help but wonder what Monique & Shawne could have done with a bit of treatment.

Do you remember where you were when Monique & Shawne were eliminated? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

3) Los Angeles, California, USA -> Valparaiso, Chile

Compared to TAR 15’s premiere, this one is ten times better.

But compared to virtually any other premiere, this one is probably sub-par. One hour premieres with eleven teams are truly rushed.

Phil starts out the season with the dreaded “toughest season ever” tagline that we know all too well from TAR Asia 3. However, TAR Asia 3 nearly lived up to that tagline. TAR 16’s premiere? Not so much.

First off, teams were brought in on the same bus. Next? They had to get to LAX using public transit. Therefore, this was the cheapest ride to the airport in TAR history, and obviously meant that several teams would get to the airport simultaneously.

Another pointless twist was that only three teams would be on the first flight, and eight teams on the second flight. That makes zero sense because you are at much more of a disadvantage if eight teams are on the first flight, and only three teams on the second flight. If the first flight suffers any sort of delay, they will be at the biggest disadvantage of all.

And guess what? The first flight was delayed, and all eleven teams were forced to be on the second flight! This is the first time in TAR history that all teams left the United States on the same flight. I can’t get over that.

Thankfully the rest of the stupidity lies with the contestants. Jet & Cord exchanging money for a currency that has nothing to do with Chile, Adrian doing the Roadblock instead of Dana, Brent & Caite refusing to read, Jordan Lloyd beating everyone, Steve & Allie painting the inside of a stranger’s house, and Michael & Louie humiliating themselves.

There was an unaired route marker prior to arriving in Valparaiso. I guess a neat castle was too much for 42 minutes. Instead we needed to listen to Jeff Schroeder’s commentary and laugh at Adrian in the process.

Dana & Adrian were heavy favourites entering the season because not only were they superfans, but viewers thought they would be like Chip & Kim or Uchenna & Joyce. I know. That’s a disturbing way of thinking.

They led most of the way until Adrian decided to do the Roadblock. The first hurdle of the season and they were nowhere close to achieving it. I personally think Dana & Adrian were doomed to go early despite this blunder. Adrian and Dana both sounded fatigued even before the Roadblock. I think him or Dana would have experienced a serious injury within the first couple of legs. They would not have held up physically for twelve legs.

So far “toughest race ever” is proving to be “least expensive race ever” after the premiere.

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