The Amazing Race 16 episode two ranking

Episode Two

COUNTRIES VISITED

CHILE – ARGENTINA – GERMANY – FRANCE – SEYCHELLES – MALAYSIA – SINGAPORE – CHINA – UNITED STATES

“Undercover County Police Recruits 71 Year Old to the Force”

la carol brandy

the kids are all right

Carol &  Brandy’s first independent film before appearing on TAR 16.

Previously on TAR: Eleven teams set out on a race around the world. At the airport, brothers Dan & Jordan got catty about Caite. Once in Chile, Caite had the last line on the cable, but on the mat Brent & Caite were penalized for breaking a race rule, and dropping them to the bottom of the pack.

Big Brother team Jeff & Jordan painted their way to a first place finish. Adrian struggled at the Roadblock then tried to hang tough. But when he couldn’t muster the strength to finish, the high school sweethearts were the first team forced out of the race.

Ten teams remain; who will be humiliated next?

– Intro time. Yep, Peace Kid is still in the intro.

– Phil introduces us to Valparaiso with the classic Latin American soundtrack used for TAR. An art museum was the first pit stop. We get to see Jeff & Jordan dancing at the mat for the second time this episode. Geez. Is that all they’ve done?

– Phil’s Questions: None. He has stopped asking questions for nearly two full seasons now.

– Jeff & Jordan, who arrived first at 3:21pm, will relive classic TAR by departing twelve hours at 3:21am.

JEFF: Make your way to Puerto Varez, Chile?

I love BB competitors who say everything with an inflection.

– Teams must take a bus back to Santiago. Once there, they will ride another bus 575 miles to Puerto Varez. They will drive themselves to the talke by Hotel Petrohue, and take a boat to Isla Margarita, and climb to a place called Mirador where they will find their next clue.

Holy crap. That’s a lot to do before reaching your first route marker.

bill toque

I don’t understand? Petrohue? I thought we just go to La Maquina?

– That’s right, folks. We’re visiting the exact same city that was briefly seen in the third round of TAR 11: The Real All Stars.

Jeff reads they have 87 dollars for this leg of the race.

– They enter a taxi. Needless to say the driver does not speak English.

JORDAN: El Bus, uh bus, take us to there.
JEFF: Valparaiso?
JORDAN: Bus?
JEFF: That’s where you have to go. See?

See or ci?

petrohue driver

. . .

Whoa! Look at the top right corner of the screen cap! That is not added in there. This is a screen cap of his vehicle. What does that look like to you?
.
.
.
I am not kidding you. This is in the actual episode.

petrohue jeff jordan

Jordan looks like her brain is completely empty.

JEFF: El hermano? We famous? You drive us there? El Hermano numero eleven?

– The driver merely repeats “Valparaiso”, and they assume he knows. Who wants to bet they will be dropped off at the city centre?

– Jeff says they are working better even though it has been only two legs.

JEFF: I think we’re definitely growing as a couple doing the race. I mean it’s only two legs in but–
JORDAN: You know–
JEFF: I was just on a roll then you cut it off.
JORDAN: Sorry. Go.
JEFF: Maybe we’re not working so well together anymore. Nah, I was just joking.
JORDAN: Nah, I forgot what I was going to say anyway.

petrohue jeff jordan 2

sean kenniff

Geez, I think Sean Kenniff’s brain works faster than Jordan at times.

– Jeff & Jordan are at the Valparaiso Bus Station. Jeff makes up his own sign language with an attendant.

petrohue jeff schroeder

I do not think the attendant knows the sign for “record scratch”.

– It turns out the bus terminal opens at five o’ clock in the morning. Jeff & Jordan have such a big lead that we see it reach five o’ clock without any interruption.

petrohue dog

This round is going to be a real dog fight!

michael vick

Whoa, I did not mean that literally.

– Hold up. Something is not quite right.

petrohue bus

Oh. All ten teams are there. Only Jeff & Jordan were shown checking out of the pit stop. That is unprecedented for TAR, and I cannot even recall the next time it happens. I know starting in TAR 14 that the occasional team will be skipped, but this is the first time where 90% of teams are not shown.

I am not liking this. It robs the lesser known teams of airtime. Usually the start of a leg allows us to get to know each of the teams.

– Everybody purchases tickets on a bus to Santiago.

BRANDY: We were calling them Barbie & Ken on the first leg thinking they were not smart. I totally recant that. They are the team to beat that, definitely.

petrohue carol brandy

Carol should totally recant that toque.

– Oh great. More Jeff & Jordan.

JEFF: It’s totally weird that dogs speak Spanish.

anchorman

Ron Burgundy agrees.

JORDAN: Shut up.
JEFF: What do you mean ‘shut up’? It doesn’t speak English. Come here!
(Dog whimpers.)
JEFF: I told you. It only speaks Spanish.

petrohue jeff jordan 3

rocky zoo

He knew Jordan would love being around animals.

– Jet & Cord meet up with Dan & Jordan.

JORDAN: We really like the cowboys.
DAN: They’re really independent. They do their own thing. I’d be surprised if they last much longer.

It’s true. Teams who work entirely on their own from the beginning tend to not win the game. If you think about every team who has ever won TAR, they always work with another team, or join a bigger coalition, to advance themselves through tougher tasks.

Because if you work on your own, and a task meets your weakness, you’re boned.

– But seriously, Dan & Jordan like them.

petrohue jet cord mccoy

Which is exactly what scares Jet & Cord.

– Jet thinks teams underestimate them, especially after trailing behind a 71 year old woman and exchanging dollars for Brazilian real.

JET: They see the hats and think “hey, the guys from the country, and I hope he made it out of the eighth grade”.
CORD: To me the way I grew up it is an honour I get to wear a hat. If I’m not comfortable wearing a hat somewhere, I don’t know if I wanna go.

Oh, and there’s a shot of Jet & Cord with Jeff & Jordan. They are not even talking.

petrohue jeff jet

“So, we’re cool with occupying ninety percent of the screen time this season, right?”

– Brent brings up that “the lesbians” (they do have names) said something about Caite and where her tiara is. Of course this story came from Michael & Louie as we saw at the LAX airport. Nothing comes of this scene.

– Carol & Brandy sit down. They discuss who to align with.

petrohue carol brandy 2

That’s right. Everyone is hopping on the Wang Train!

petrohue joe wang

Look at the smug look on his face.

You would think that the absolute last team two lesbians would align with is a guy named “Big Joe” Wang.

jon gosselin

Or the absolute last person anybody would want to work with no matter who you are would be someone who looks a lot like Jon Gosselin. Well, not so much now, but back in 2009 when this was season was filming, Jon Gosselin and Kate Gosselin’s separation and hogging our televisions was a brand new form of nausea.

– Carol chases down Joe & Heidi. Heidi confirms with them that they speak Spanish. Carol insists both of them are strong teams.

– Everyone boards the bus to Santiago. Carol does not sleep like a normal person.

petrohue carol brandy 3

Brandy is angry even in her sleep.

– Santiago time. Teams run off the bus and enter the terminal. Carol reminds us we are going to the terminal. Everyone asks for which counter to purchase tickets for a trip to Puerto Varas.

– Joe & Heidi are first in line, and make a colossal mistake.

JOE: We’re holding spots.

petrohue joe michael

Michael’s body language pretty much reads “C’moooon.”

And the Chilean guy on the right is preparing for a takedown.

– Michael & Louie both repeat that you cannot freakin’ hold spots. We see Steve in the picture.

JOE: Just get in line.

They are. That’s the point. You’re dishonouring the line, Joseph.

petrohue teams

And with seven other teams in the mix, this becomes a hectic situation.

Joe & Heidi may have made the worst mistake socially that you can make in TAR. Holding spots in line is more infuriating than what any Yield or U-Turn could do.

colin money 11

I haven’t seen such a bad read on a situation since Colin vs. The nation of Tanzania.

– Louie comments on their tactic to a grade school tactic.

BUS #1 (5:30PM–GETS IN AT 7:00AM)

CAROL & BRANDY
JOE & HEIDI
-NO MORE SEATS-

– Brandy decides to be helpful/condescending by telling teams behind her in line that all seats are taken, but there is a bus that leaves one hour later.

petrohue brandy snow

Two seconds into the coalition and Brandy is ensuring Joe looks like the bad guy.

petrohue michael louie

If they were on duty, Carol & Brandy would be busted for trespassing.

LOUIE: That little bastard squeaked his way right in there.

petrohue michael louie 2

That’s right. Louie may or may not have referred to the lone male Asian racer as “sneaky”.

Am I the only one worried that officers of the law on TAR are prejudice against Asians?

– Oh, and you know how Brandy said there is a bus that leaves one hour later?

petrohue bus 2

Well, she was off by one hour and fifteen minutes.

BUS #2 (7:45PM)

MICHAEL & LOUIE
STEVE & ALLIE
DAN & JORDAN
MONIQUE & SHAWNE

– Joe says the word “Santiago” like he is in the movie A Few Good Men when he recaps the situation. The bus will get in at seven in the morning.

a few good men

You can’t handle the line cut!

– Brent & Caite, Jeff & Jordan, and Jet & Cord must scramble. Brent says it is them against the world. Jeff refuses to sit around doing nothing for twelve hours.

petrohue jody shannon

Oh, and them. This is the first time we have seen them all round thus far.

BUS #3 (8:30PM–GETS IN AT 9:00AM)

JODY & SHANNON

– Jeff & Jordan and Brent & Caite read the clue. Jeff thinks there is no rule against connecting through another city. Jet & Cord are on their own, and draw the same conclusion.

– The three teams are told to connect through Temuco. Of course, this is shown entirely from the perspectives of Jet and Jeff.

petrohue temuco

Or maybe Temuco is the name of the guy who helped them out here. I dunno.

BUS #4 (9:00AM–GETS IN AT 11:00PM)

BRENT & CAITE
JEFF & JORDAN
JET & CORD

BRENT: We connect with the Big Brother team. They seem like smart people. They seem more like us.

petrohue brent caite

Wow. He said that all with a straight face. I cannot get over how he said “more like smart people. . .more like us”.

Perhaps a better way of putting it is that they are “less dumb” compared to the other teams?

I love that Big Brother and Miss such as Teen as USA are dominating both rounds so far. I mean, they just picked up an eight hour advantage without anybody catching on.

JEFF (to JET): You guys on this bus? Heading to Temecula?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temecula,_California

Uh, not too far off.

– BUS #4 departs.

– Eight hours later we see BUS #1 depart. Brandy brags how great of a feeling it is for everybody to be behind them.

petrohue feet

Which also happens to be the Tarantino Bus.

– 6:15pm in Temuco. Brent tells Cord that their bus connects at 6:30pm. Jet & Cord’s is seven.

– Jet & Cord go inside to try to get onto the 6:30pm bus. They are told that bus is at the other terminal in central Temuco.  A ten minute taxi ride away.

petrohue time

That’s a tight connection. Presuming Cowboys can convert military time.

– Jeff & Jordan and Brent & Caite take a stroll to where they -think- the bus will be waiting.

petrohue jeff jordan brent

Those teams are very much alike. Their bright minds have taken them to the wrong terminal.

– Jet & Cord realize the mistake the other teams are making.

petrohue jet cord mccoy 2

“Do we tell them? It’s a question of ethics.”

petrohue jet cord mccoy 3

“lol no. Let’s smoke a camel cigarette.”

– Cord announces it is 6:29pm as he keeps the knowledge under his hat.

CORD: Oh my gravy, they should watch out for us.

petrohue gravy

neleh

And with that, Jet & Cord begin their quest to dethrone Neleh’s “oh my heck”.

– Brent & Caite and Jeff & Jordan head to a counter and told the bad news. They take taxis to the other terminal. Supposedly it is a terminal just down the street, and it is 6:33pm. They get to the terminal and told it already left.

petrohue jet cord mccoy 4

spiderman

petrohue jordan lloyd

Jordan is sad. If she does not make Jet & Cord’s bus, the world shall weep.

– Brent comments it was stupid for him not to check. I have a question for you, though.

petrohue taxi

How stupid would you be if you could not remember the phone number for the local taxi service?

– The 7:00pm bus gets into the station.

JET: Saddle up.

*facepalm*

– Brent & Caite and Jeff & Jordan are nervous. Jet & Cord’s bus pulls away. City Slickers music plays for the third time this episode. This time it is the track that becomes their trademark.

petrohue dog 2

It’s another dog!!!!

JET: Oh my gravy.

OH MY GRAVY COUNT: 2

petrohue taxi 2

A little piece of advice: When a bus is leaving at 6:30pm elsewhere, and it is already 6:33, how about you just stay put and switch to the 7:00pm bus?

Chasing down a bus several minutes after it has departed may be one of the dumbest things I have seen on TAR. These are the two teams who have dominated the first 1.5 legs of the race.

– Jet & Cord laugh about them missing both buses.

7:45PM–NOW BUS #2 DEPARTS

8:30PM–NOW BUS #3 DEPARTS

– Jeff & Jordan and Brent & Caite are told there are no more buses. The other eight teams are en route to Puerto Varas.

petrohue bus 3

And now they are screwed. They are much closer to Puerto Varas than all other teams, but will be stuck in the bus station until the following day. We will see a high profile team go out the door.

– Commercial. We resume.

petrohue bus 4

See, that’s the definition of technically, Caite.

Technically there are no buses TODAY, but there is one at one o’ clock in the morning.

Chances are these two teams will still be in second or third place considering they were on the road for eight hours already.

BRENT: The Cowboys are like the most magical people ever.

What the heck, Brent?

11:00pm: The real bus number one, Jet & Cord’s, enters Puerto Varas.

– City Slickers music temporarily plays when Jet & Cord enter Puerto Varas.

CORD: It’s kinda Lone Ranger Day again already.

lone ranger

That movie sucked. A pointless cowboy reference.

– Jeff & Jordan and Brent & Caite board their 1:00am bus. Jeff claims the bus will get in at 6:45am. He is keeping hope alive like a Hantz.

– Jet & Cord take their time driving to the hotel. They know they have a big lead. The hotel is found and they begin walking. Just one problem, though.

petrohue hours

It looks like Jeff & Jordan’s and Brent & Caite’s error means nothing now.

And that has to be the least obstructive barrier for an hours of operation. Usually it is a huge gate or the doors are locked. Here they could easily step over the barrier.

OH MY GRAVY COUNT: 3

– There is a hotel right beside them. Couldn’t they stay there?

petrohue jet cord mccoy 5

Nope. I have a feeling they will have the worst sleep of all as every other team gets to sleep in a big bus. They are stuck in a small car.

– The sun is out! Carol comments on the beautiful countryside before their bus gets in. She thinks the cars are cute too. Carol & Brandy and Joe & Heidi get into cars. Brandy says a bunch of stuff about how adorable everything is.

– Brent & Caite and Jeff & Jordan’s bus appears to get in minutes later. We find out that Caite has to drive because Brent does not know how to drive a standard.

Season sixteen and a twenty year old is the only one on the team who was prepared to drive a standard.

BRENT: I need a woman to drive me around.

petrohue brent horne

I need to pointlessly bring gender roles into the equation.

– Jeff pronounces Petrohue as “Pietra”. Temucula then this.

petrohue jeff schroeder 2

I do not think his brain is awake quite yet.
.
.
And why is he narrating information that is not even being pronounced correctly for us? We’ve heard that they are going to Petrohue Hotel about four or five times. It is like using Jeff as a narrator is a reflection of how dumb the producers think we are.

– 7:30am: Jet & Cord are ready to head down the trail. They comment that they made hat covers from trash bags.

petrohue jet cord mccoy 6

They happened to have multi-coloured trash bags on them? I think producers helped them out. Something tells me that the cowboys racing without their hats was not an option for them.

And can I point out that Petrohue looks like freakin’ Vancouver? It has rained non-stop since the Cowboys arrived last night.

– CORD: Hola! AYE AYE AYE AYE.

That’s your introduction to the locals?

petrohue jet cord mccoy 7

Yes. . .The Island.

the island

This is not going to bode well for them.

Also, I love how Jet is specific by saying “that little island”. Yeah, you’re only on the Chilean coast. I am sure there is one little island, and all other ones are classified as big.

– Jet & Cord hope they do not have to go swimming because they did not bring any trunks. Cord tells us he has been skinny dipping once or twice.

– Carol & Brandy lead Joe & Heidi on the trail. Brent & Caite are on their heels. Jeff & Jordan are right behind.

JORDAN (whiny): Can you carry my bags?
JEFF: She needs to get in a little better shape.
JORDAN: I’m not a runner. I’m a walker.

chuck norris

Just not the type that is from Texas.

petrohue jeff schroeder 3

And Jordan is behind somewhere carrying one bag of paint.

– Brandy comments on the huge waves and Carol is feeling rather seasick. Brandy does not mind if Carol has to throw up. In fact she encourages it.

petrohue carol brandy 4

Carol pretends she does not know the stranger to her left for a few seconds.

– The fourth bus gets into town. Steve & Allie, Louie & Michael, Dan & Jordan, and Monique & Shawne. In other words, the teams who have received no airtime this leg.

peter griffin done

It’s what us famous people like to call “normies”.

– Monique comments that she has not driven a stick in ten years. She hopes another team has problems. We cut to Dan & Jordan who sit in the parking lot as Jordan is unable to figure it out.

petrohue jordan pious

More than what he bargained for. If only he watched the TAR 6 musical, “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Meredith & Maria?”

DAN: We had the understanding that Jordan would be the stick shift driver.
JORDAN: That is obviously a fallacy.
DAN: Who uses a word like fallacy?
JORDAN: You used the word fallacy like the other day!
DAN: Jordan. . .I don’t know that word.
JORDAN: Okay, that’s probably true.

I know one guy who really likes to use the word fallacy.

tobias funke

petrohue dan jordan pious

“It was while you were reading a book to yourself at the pit stop!”

– I should note this is an argument one of my brothers and I would have. Adam would just be stumped and say “Logan, nobody uses that word. I have no idea what that means.”

In other words, Dan was probably in the sciences or a trade while Jordan took a lot of English courses.

– They switch out. Dan gets ‘er done. No Meredith & Maria’ing or Heather & Eve’ing here.

petrohue jordan pious 2

Which was probably a good call.

– I feel bad for the Rhode Island Rattlesnakes being in last place.

petrohue jody shannon 2

Oh. They’re still in the race? I forgot about them.

– Jet & Cord jump off the boat and reach the clue box. They comment on the sweet view, and open up the clue to read it is a “Deetour”.

petrohue view

Replace the clouds with glorious sunshine, and that is our daily view here in the Okanagan. Jealous?

– Phil says locals have deep connections with the animals.

Llama Adoration or Condor Consternation.

In Llama Adoration, teams must choose a llama and dress it for a traditional festival, and put a blanket and a scarf on the sometimes stubborn and unruly animal.

When the llama is properly adorned, they will receive their next clue.

llama tar 7 intro
Wow. This is ten times easier than the llama task in TAR 7 where they had to transport it a couple of miles. Between llamas and camels, this is by far the easiest task pertaining to one of those animals in The Amazing Race.

the amazing race asia 3 promo

Toughest Race Ever, my butt.

emperors new groove

Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh uh huh uh huh.

petrohue llama

The locals love their animals so much that they feel compelled to make it suffer from asphyxiation. Remind me never to visit Petrohue.

– In Condor Consternation, teams must dress up as birds. They must put on feet and a sixteen foot pair of wings. Having turned themselves into a majestic condor, they must then take flight and reach a target which contains their next clue.

petrohue condor

Angry Bird.

petrohue condor 2

Is it a condor or a dinosaur?

petrohue condor 3

petrohue condor 4

This is one of the most creative tasks I have ever seen.

You know what this task reminds me of?

pilotwings

Yep. Freakin’ Pilotwings. It is exactly like Pilotwings. Who knew TAR producers suffered from Super Nintendo Nostalgia back in 2010?

– Jet & Cord are lame and choose to dress a llama. Cord comments their lead is small as they pass by Carol & Brandy.

– Carol & Brandy and Joe & Heidi discuss one team being ahead of them. Both teams choose llama because they do not want to freeze in the water. They point out an incoming Brent & Caite.

– Brent & Caite choose Llama too as they sit in fourth. Jet & Cord return to shore. Jet says he can hear a donkey braying.

petrohue jet cord mccoy 8

There is a donkey hanging out with llamas? That cannot be peaceful.
eeyore

No llama likes Eeyore.

– But seriously, let’s see the donkey.

petrohue man

False alarm. Just a hunter playing a song using a hollowed elephant tusk.

petrohue jet cord mccoy 9

We’ve only got one homeless troubadour where we come from, and his teeth are flashing yellow.

– Jet & Cord enter the festival where a crowd is gathered.

petrohue crowd

Pedro Villasor is the flag bearer for Team Humans at this festival.

petrohue kids

Only the child above is sentenced to child labour. Everyone else gets the equally enjoyable position of sitting on muddy poles in the cold rain.

petrohue llama 2

CBS edited out the word “off” from that statement for Jet & Cord’s sake. Hey, we already know they like to take the bulls by the horns back home!

– Jet & Cord said that the first two llamas that were problematic, but two seconds later there was one who acted like it wanted to be their friend.

petrohue llama 3

“I don’t understand why the other llamas are agitated! I love standing in mud and having the rain hit me for hours on end!”

The Friendly Llama.

– Jet & Cord finish the lamest animal task in TAR history before any of the other teams show up. It must have taken less than a minute to do. They read they must drive to Onces Bellavista Farm where they will search for their next clue.

– Cord asks Jet if anyone knows is in the lead yet. Jet thinks that nobody saw them in the boat, and their position is a complete mystery.

Which is how TAR -should- be! You know they have plenty of transportation options when teams have taken several different routes to reach the first clue box of the round.

rex and bob elimination

Rex & Bob are particularly shocked that they were not ahead of Jet & Cord this round.

– Carol & Brandy and Joe & Heidi reach the llama task. We see the burro player.

petrohue man 2

He has added rainbow tubes.

petrohue music

The Traveling Villasors continue to play.

– Heidi points out it is “just a scarf and a blanket”. It really is easy. Heidi is nearly attacked by a llama. Joe offers food. So does Carol as she anticipates being spit on. Nobody has spit on her yet. Brandy waits to be kicked.

petrohue llama 4

The most miserable llama ever.

– Heidi tries to throw the blanket onto a llama that is running away from her.

petrohue llama 5

Carol & Brandy say this llama has really long eyelashes. It must be miserable because it never gets to make a wish!

petrohue llama 6

Fail.

tom bergeron

It’s now time for Chile’s Funniest Rural Videos!

petrohue joe wang 2

Big Joe Wang just got kicked in the Wang!

– We cut out the rest of Big Joe’s reaction because we need to see Jeff & Jordan reading the clue box. Jeff hates running up the hills, but is intrigued by flying over the lake. Brent & Caite are also heading to that task.

– There is a music duo playing at the Condor Consternation task. It sounds like a song from the original Donkey Kong Country video game.

petrohue band

Could the drummer wear his hat any lower? How does he see anything?

– Brent & Caite discuss their strategy. Run then jump, but do not run too fast.

petrohue brent caite 2

Luckily in Mirador you do not have to worry about flying too close to the sun.

icarus

If only he was trapped in an island off the coast of Chile.

– Now to the funniest piece of intentional comedy from TAR. They break out their religious soundtrack as Brent & Caite take flight.

petrohue brent caite 3

“To places such as the Olympus, Brent!”

petrohue brent caite 4

Things such as fails.

– CAITE: We hit the water like hardcore!

This is why twenty year olds should not do confessionals.

CAITE: It was ice cold!

andre 3000 ice cold

“It’s cooler than being cool!”

– Steve speaks! “Holy mackeral! We’re flying!” So they head to the condor task.

petrohue steve allie smith

He even mimes the act of flying.

– Okay, you’re done for the week, Steve & Allie. Louie is struggling physically. They decide to do the llama task. Michael says Louie can go to a house with pit bulls and can calm it down. Therefore, he can work his same magic on llamas.

MICHAEL: You look like a llama.

petrohue louie stravato

I can somewhat see the resemblance.

But isn’t that bandana stolen from Donny in TAR 5?

donny patrick

Holy crap. It totally is!

– Joe & Heidi find a llama that is resting.

petrohue llama 7

petrohue llama 8

There you go, buddy. Sweet dreams, kiddo.

– It never occurred to me that you could adorn a llama when it is laying down.

I wonder if you could kill a llama then? Like, slaughter it or use a tranquilizer. Once it is subdued you just put the blanket and scarf on it. Sure, I and the other locals would be horrified, but you did not break any race rules.

– Joe & Heidi’s sleeping llama is approved. They are finished the task in second place. Carol & Brandy corner a llama and finish it in third. Brent & Caite have their clue in fourth.

– Monique & Shawne do not even make eye contact with the camera yet as they quickly choose the llama task. Why do we not get to see them?

– Because Jeff & Jordan prepare to do the condor task.

JEFF: Is it even possible to make it?
JORDAN: Maybe if you know what you’re doing.

*Maybe if Jeff knows what he is doing.

JEFF (confessional): At least we can go out with some dignity, you know what I mean?
JORDAN: Mmhmmm.
JEFF: It was a joke.
JORDAN: . . .I know.

petrohue jeff jordan 4

“Do I know?”

– They jump. For some reason, they make it nowhere near the target but still receive their clue.

petrohue jeff jordan 5

Their jump is a little uneven.

petrohue jeff schroeder 4

In other words, the clue is a lie. They landed nowhere near it, and neither did Brent & Caite. Did producers change the requirements to pass the task on the spot?

– Dan & Jordan are still looking for Petrohue Hotel. Jordan asks if he has passed anything. Dan replies that he is driving, and Jordan is responsible for navigating. They turn left on a whim. So Dan follows the order with hesitation, and drive down the random road.

petrohue dan pious

Maybe doing this race for his brother was just a bit too much to ask.

– Steve & Allie receive zero confessionals when they do the jump. In fact it is shown in complete silence. Wow.

– Jody & Shannon are last into Puerto Varas. Shannon hopes a team does not know how to drive a standard, and Jody is under the assumption they are last.

– Dan says aloud he will be stunned if this road will lead them to the right place. Jordan insists it is okay and tells him to keep driving on the road. Until Dan says driving further will put them in the water.

petrohue water

Not a joke.

– Jordan now admits he has no clue.

petrohue dan jordan pious 2

Maybe they can swim to the boats?

– Commercial. We resume. Dan attempts to go in reverse but it refuses. Both of them say neither  of them how to drive standard. Jordan helps with driving the car.

petrohue dan jordan pious 3

Either he is so strong that he can stop a car driving at full force, or Jordan is responsible for pushing it in reverse.

– They enter the vehicle and argue over who was responsible for being lost. Jordan apologizes before he tells Dan that he is a punk and that he needs to “shut up and drive”.

rihanna shut up and drive

Jordan’s favourite song from two years earlier in 2007.

– Dan & Jordan find a local driving on the other side of the road in a truck. He gives them directions to the Hotel.

petrohue jordan pious 3

Needless to say Jordan is happy.

– Jody says she has high energy, high hopes, and believes Shannon is doing a good job driving. She knows Shannon more than all other grandchildren, and admires her the most.

SHANNON: She’s the one who taught me how to drive standard.

Question: Will the generation that bridges their lives ever be referenced? Does Jody not give a crap about her kids, and does Shannon not care about her parents? Odd.

petrohue jody kelly

And no matter what, Jody can brag she was the oldest contestant to appear in TAR history.

vladimir vasilenko

Yes, yes, I hear you Ukraine. Vladimir Valisenko has the real title by playing at the age of 72.

petrohue shannon foster

Although Shannon is the one who looks more like a 70 year old with too much botox at the moment.

garfield christmas

– Dan & Jordan park at Petrohue Hotel. They count that eight other teams have shown up. We watch Michael & Louie struggle with the llama task. You would think two police officers would have no problem with putting the llama up against a post, and handcuffing it with the blanket and scarf.

– Monique & Shawne show up and complete the task in seconds. Again, no confessionals.

petrohue michael louie 3

From nannas outrunning them to mommies outperforming them, Michael & Louie’s presumed spots in the TAR Hall of Fame have all but evaporated.

MICHAEL: I can’t believe those sisters freaking got ahead of us.

petrohue monique shawne

Spoiler: They are not sisters.

This leg they referred to the lone Asian team as “sneaky”, and referred to the only African American female friends as “sisters”.

No wonder the American police force has issues with discrimination.

– Louie suggests to corral it with a stick. He wish he thought of it earlier.

petrohue louie stravato 2

I don’t know why but this is a funny visual to me.

– We also get to read the full clue over Louie’s shoulder.

petrohue clue

Higher ground? What would that be? The Andes?

– Jet & Cord find the Bellavista. And there’s another freakin’ band waiting.

petrohue music 2

We saw several bands in Valparaiso, and now we are seeing multiple bands here in Mirador. Is this TAR 16 or the audition round for Chilean Idol?

– They point out the strong smell of food. It is a Roadblock.

PHIL: This part of Chile has been the home to a flourishing community of German immigrants who still practice the art of making a traditional pastry known as kuchen. They must race around the farm collecting the five ingredients essential to making this pastry.

1. A bag of flour
2. A plate of butter
3. A baker’s dozen eggs
4. A bowl of sugar
5. And milk straight from the cow

petrohue cow

Yum.

– TAR really loves their vague Roadblock hints.

petrohue roadblock

But not this time.

– Cord wished it was something to eat, but instead it is a scavenger hunt. He wants to find a cow, and voila, the City Slickers theme plays yet again.

petrohue cow 2

Pissed Cow Disease.

– Cord says it is not the first cow he has milked. Jet hopes Cord does not spill any milk. Now, we see Cord do the most dramatic thing of the season.

petrohue cord mccoy

We’re shaking in our boots, Cord.

– Cord picks up thirteen eggs. That is a baker’s dozen. Now he has found the pantry. The butter, flour, and sugar are all in the same place. He carries them all into the kitchen. It is likely concealed.

petrohue kitchen

God. This round is easy. The trickiest thing is that you need thirteen instead of twelve eggs.

– Cord has the clue. He reads they must drive back to Puerto Varas and find Plaza De La Virgen.

cochran

No, it is not named after Cochran. It is named after the Virgin Mary.

petrohue phil

No band to be found for once.

– Cord takes a second for himself before leaving. In fact, he takes a bite of the kuchen without telling Jet.

petrohue cord mccoy 2

The only thing to make this moment better is if Cord picked up two slices of kuchen and ran outside with them, and handed one slice to Jet. We watch them eat it in real time, and drive to the pit stop without seeing any other teams.

CORD: Oh my gravy, I can’t tell you. It looked good.
JET: What is it?
CORD: It’s pie, I’m not sure.

Sigh. . .

OH MY GRAVY COUNT: 4

– Joe & Heidi and Carol & Brandy arrive at the Roadblock together. Joe says the food will be good because it is kuchen. Apparently Joe Wang is part German.

– Carol and Heidi are doing the Roadblock together. It is their own Intersection. Neither of them have milked a cow as they start with the cows.

HEIDI: Which one has a nice big utter?

hungary pamela vanessa chong 3

Pamela & Vanessa are experts at identifying big ol’ utters.

– Carol approaches a cow that decides to start taking the biggest dump in TAR history. She finds a second cow which kicks her in the hand. Sadly it is too quick to show on television.

petrohue carol rosenfeld

She really picked the wrong time to enter the barn.

– Heidi finally looks back to see the defecating cow. She is horrified.

petrohue heidi wang

Hopefully no trace amounts are in the cup!

– Carol laughs loudly when she hears Heidi’s reaction. Both have a full cup and move on. Brent & Caite are now at the Roadblock. Brent is doing it.

– Caite stands far away from Brandy and Jon Gosse–, er, I mean Joe. She spits with enthusiasm, and offers the most insincere apology afterwards.

petrohue caite upton

All twenty year olds master sarcasm after spitting like a llama.

– Heidi and Carol are both approved. Carol & Brandy enter their car.

CAROL: I don’t know why, but it’d be a moral victory to beat Brent & Caite today.
BRANDY: Brent & Caite?
CAROL: You know, the one with a massage and the Iraq.

petrohue carol brandy 5

I prefer Jordan’s impression because he can do it without intentionally being a douchebag.

– Brent is milking a cow saying it smells like butt. Of course he is right beside the cow’s butt so it makes sense.

mirna marshall

If Mirna was doing it, she would assume she would have to stick her hand up the cow’s butt.

– Oh, and once Brent leaves one of the cows takes an even bigger dump than what we saw earlier. Classy.

– Jordan & Jeff show up to the Roadblock in fifth place. Jordan volunteers Jeff for it.

JEFF (confessional): How many are in a baker’s dozen?
JORDAN: . . .Jeff.

petrohue jeff jordan 6

Is Jeff dating Jordan for the sole purpose of making fun of her stupidity and lack of knowledge at every turn possible? I have never seen a guy go out of his way to do that this much.

– Brent is done the task in fourth. They do not need to ride a funicular so they should be good. Jeff begins milking a cow. Dan & Jordan are ninth to the clue on Mirador. They choose to do the llama task. Jordan anticipates being allergic to llamas. They see Jody & Shannon in a boat behind them.

– Jody & Shannon decide to do the llama task.

– Jeff is done. For once we see a shortened version of the task he completed. They begin driving to the pit stop.

– The invisible teams of Steve & Allie and Monique & Shawne show up to the Roadblock together. Shawne and Steve are doing it.

– Michael & Louie are at Bellavista. They discuss if they see it despite being at the location.

petrohue michael louie 4

Keep goin where? Up that hill and enter the kitchen? This is the place.

Wait. Don’t tell me they’re. . .

petrohue sign

 

Oh god. The team that expected to win all twelve legs fails horribly once again.

MICHAEL: So keep our eyes peeled for the signage.

Their eyes are too peeled to the point they have nothing left.

And why is Coca Cola sponsouring Bellavista Road? How much do they get paid for Coca Cola’s roadside advertisement?

genworth financial water

It is as unnecessary as the Genworth Financial signs from Treasure Hunters.

– Monique begins milking the cow. We hear her say words.

MONIQUE: I’ve always wanted to milk a cow and say I’ve done it.

petrohue monique shawne 2

Well that’s a low ambition.

– She learned that a cow can be dangerous.

petrohue monique pryor

Especially when it kicks you square in the jaw.

petrohue monique pryor 2

It had enough respect to avoid the hair.

– Dan & Jordan are n the boat. Jordan complains he has a splinter in his butt. We transition into Jordan taking his jacket off for the middle of the crowd, and they cheer as he makes a show of it. A special seductive soundtrack plays.

petrohue dan jordan pious 4

I love how Dan just turns and walks away. He wants no part of it.

JORDAN: If only they knew. If only.

– Jordan says fun time is over when Jody & Shannon show up at the llama task. They are seconds away from being in last place.

stone cold steve austin

It’s time for the Rhode Island Rattlesnakes to open a can of whoop ass!

– Dan & Jordan finish the task in ninth. It is a showdown between Non-Standard Superfan Siblings and a 71 year old grandmother. Jody & Shannon are going to put full force into overtaking them. Shannon has a brilliant suggestion.

petrohue jody shannon 3

Jordan is feeling the biggest TAR adrenalin rush with everything on the line. He has craved this for nearly ten years.

Jody & Shannon? Shannon, the 20-something-year-old, is encouraging her own grandmother to slow down. Do either of them have a pulse?

petrohue jody shannon 4

And Shannon slowly cuts off the llama’s oxygen. This is sadistic.

petrohue jody shannon 5

james

Fun times suffocating llamas with grandma.

– Jet & Cord park at the pit stop. They run with their bags as the City Slickers music plays. The pit stop greeter is holding a llama.

petrohue llama 9

And no, the llama cannot sing.

kass

But it can talk to Kass.

PHIL: Jet & Cord, you need another buckle for your belt because you are team number one.

Well, that wasn’t rehearsed at all.

FIRST PLACE: JET & CORD

– They have each won a sailboat. That is their prize. Cord references their Lone Ranger quality once again.

CORD: Don’t let the cowboy hat fool you.

petrohue jet cord mccoy 10

How is the cowboy hat fooling us?

– Joe & Heidi find the pit stop. They run onto the path. Carol & Brandy not far behind.

HEIDI: Hola, Felipe.

Way to stereotype, Heidi.

SECOND PLACE: JOE & HEIDI

THIRD PLACE: CAROL & BRANDY

petrohue mat

Carol & Brandy waited there until they found out whether or not Brent & Caite are behind them. I doubt they even care about their placing each round.

– The two invisible teams finish the Roadblock within seconds. Sixth and seventh, presently.

petrohue kitchen 2

She has as much of a speaking role as Shawne this round.

– Michael & Louie keep driving. Louie feels good that a couple teams are behind them.

– Dan & Jordan are at the Roadblock. Jordan is doing it.

FOURTH PLACE: BRENT & CAITE

petrohue brent caite 5

Your girlfriend just left you hanging, Brent. Ouch.

CAITE: I hope all the teams see I am an intelligent person, and need to stop making fun of me.

Coming from the woman who missed out on a funicular in round one, and was waiting at the wrong terminal this round, traveled to the other terminal, and managed to miss two buses.

– Spy music plays as Jeff & Jordan discuss where they are.

JEFF: We’re on San Juan?
JORDAN: San Jose.
JEFF: San Juan?
JORDAN: San. . .Jose.

petrohue jordan lloyd 2

petrohue jeff schroeder 5

Even Jeff knows to leave this one alone.

– Jordan finishes milking the cow and says it was foamy at the end. Ew. He comments on YET ANOTHER DEFECATING COW! Geez. Do they ever stop? Jordan has the clue in eighth place.

– How lost are Louie & Michael? Louie runs out to ask for information at an information centre. But seriously, how lost are they?

petrohue jody shannon 6

Nanna is kicking their butt. . .again.

– Louie & Michael enter an information centre. Jeff & Jordan stop at the same place as Michael & Louie. They are looking for two different locations. Michael has to resort to asking Jeff Schroeder for directions.

That’s right. A police officer on TAR has to ask a guy known for being on reality TV to be directed around a foreign location. This is killing me.

petrohue jeff michael

JEFF: All the way straight and it will be on your right.
JORDAN: Nineteen miles!

Such complicated directions. Michael & Louie messing up a “go straight” route is hysterical.

petrohue michael naylor

That moment when Michael realizes he is far from being the strongest racer in this competition.

– Commercial. We resume. Michael feels aggravated, but does not feel too far behind. I should note that because Jeff & Jordan helped Michael & Louie, they effectively aligned against a 71 year old woman.

jerry macdonald

If Jeff & Jordan were in BB10 as opposed to BB11, I can only imagine what they would do to Jerry.

– Monique & Shawne park at the pit stop.

FIFTH PLACE: MONIQUE & SHAWNE

Shawne says this is anything she could ever imagine. That’s it for her and Monique this episode.

petrohue llama 10

The llama has a longer mat chat with Phil than Monique & Shawne do.

– Jeff & Jordan park. Jeff asks Phil how he is doing.

SIXTH PLACE: JEFF & JORDAN

– Michael & Louie park at the Roadblock. Michael is doing it. It is a showdown between him and Jody. Shouldn’t Jody & Shannon have a twenty minute lead on them? Jody is not hustling. Michael is looking like a mad man right now.

petrohue michael naylor 3

Maybe he is going a bit too fast.

– Jody is milking a cow. Michael cannot find the pantry. Jody has nearly filled the cup when the cow gets a bit unruly.

petrohue jody kelly 2

Unruly in the sense that the cow launches a full assault on Jody’s face. Jody says it was just one kick in the face, but not only do we see the series of kicks once, but we see a replay of it in slow motion. I counted three kicks. Jody dropped the cup during the physical beatdown.

petrohue jody kelly 3

No respect for elders. She doesn’t get a senior’s discount on cow’s milk, sadly.

Jody is bright enough to choose a different cow this time.

petrohue jody kelly 5

That cow nearly kicks Jody, but she dodges and was ready for it.

– Michael enters a chicken coop. He grabs thirteen eggs.

SEVENTH PLACE: STEVE & ALLIE

– We now watch the biggest showdown in TAR history.

petrohue showdown

A middle-aged male undercover officer in peak physical shape versus a retired 71 year old woman.

street fighter
And unlike Street Fighter, you cannot change the handicap settings in The Amazing Race!

petrohue michael louie 5

“And if it weren’t for the cameras, I would fling cow feces at nanna’s face just to stay in the race.”

– Michael is done milking the cow, but cannot find the pantry. She takes out the cup and sets it down on the table.

petrohue jody kelly 5

Question: Do Jody & Shannon go out of their way to be the slowest possible people in TAR history? They are the human snails of TAR 16.

– EIGHTH PLACE: DAN & JORDAN

petrohue dan jordan pious 5

A silent film celebration for Dan & Jordan.

– Michael complains it is not the type of pantries that he sees in his neighbourd. He has the sugar, flour, and the plate of butter.

MICHAEL: Plate of butter? That’s easy.

Has anything been easy for Michael so far this season?

– Michael only has twelve eggs when he delivers it to the women. Where is the thirteenth egg?

petrohue michael naylor 2

“Your ears are filthy and partially fertilized.”

This dates back to one of his previous covers as a magician. The Drug Ring Master, I believe it was.

– Michael has the clue. He brings Louie some kuchin.

petrohue michael louie 6

Michael goes out of his way to bring food for Louie?

petrohue shannon foster 2

And Shannon is standing right there? Do Louie & Michael have zero respect for their opponents?

– Jody slowly walks into the kitchen to deliver the ingredients.

petrohue dog 3

Just be thankful you’re not one of the ingredients, doggie!

– Jody has the clue and makes one of the dumber moves of the episode.

petrohue jody kelly 6

She was unable to run because she had a plate of kuchin in the other hand! I thought grandmas try harder, but the only thing they try hard at is carbo loading.

– We cut back and forth between the teams. Michael & Louie are second to last. Jody & Shannon in last. Both teams park and begin running to the mat.

petrohue good year

But first a blimp-less message from Good Year!

petrohue phil keoghan

phoenix wright

The baby llama wanted to switch sides since Dan & Jordan checked in. Phil points out a team in a Phoenix Wright-like fashion.

NINTH PLACE: LOUIE & MICHAEL

They are relieved.

– That means. . .

LAST PLACE AND ELIMINATED: JODY & SHANNON

Shannon commends her mother for carrying eggs (ew), flour, and getting kicked in the head by a cow.

petrohue jody shannon 7

Is Shannon the smallest racer ever? Heck, Carissa Gaghan looks bigger than her.

Why, Shannon’s voice sounds like a six year old’s. I think Carissa has a deeper voice too. It is such a bizarre team.

petrohue jody shannon 8

Yep. Shannon definitely lied about her age.

– Jody has proven to herself that she can continue doing physical things.

SHANNON: What’s the next crazy adventure?
JODY: I’ll go anywhere with you.

And that is a point I’ll be making in their Rank the Teams section.

Jody & Shannon were oblivious to this being called The Amazing Race. The aspect was a concept totally lost on them. There was never a point where they were aiming to win. The competitive spirit never existed in either of them.

They come across as people who -complete- competitions rather than -win- competitions, and could not care less if people faulted them for it.

If anything, Jody & Shannon played like this show was called The Amazing Adventure.

They could have easily aligned with several teams. I bet Jet & Cord would have helped them get a spot on their bus. Who wouldn’t want to drag a 71 year old woman into the Final Three with them?

But Jody & Shannon were independent. They declined help, and were on their own little Chilean vacation. That sadly makes for extremely boring television.

Next Time on TAR: With Adrian & Dana and Jody & Shannon out of the race, the game can begin. Carol & Brandy interrogate the Cowboys about their success. And later the dating couple goes at each other’s throats.

Uh oh. There is an entire episode focused around Carol & Brandy. This will not bode well for viewers.

CONFESSIONAL COUNT

BRENT.CAITE 4.3
CAROL.BRANDY 3.4
JET.CORD 6.8
JODY.SHANNON 5.6
JOE.HEIDI 1.0
DAN.JORDAN 2.3
JEFF.JORDAN 12.4
MICHAEL.LOUIE 4.4
MONIQUE.SHAWNE 1.0
STEVE.ALLIE 1.0

Team Averages

Below is a list of all teams from seasons I have blogged to date, ranked by racing average.

e.g. Don & Mary Jean finished 9th, 8th, 8th, 8th, and 8th. Add up the numbers and divide it by the number of legs they have played.

Therefore their average is 8.2.

Bulls— Round One/Starting Line Eliminations
Eric & Lisa N/A
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A

— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0 TAR 4
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0 TAR 3
11th Adrian & Dana 11.0 TAR 16
11th Preston & Jennifer 11.0 TAR 14
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0 TAR 13
11th Ari & Staella 11.0 TAR 12
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0 TAR 11
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0 TAR 10
11th John & Scott 11.0 TAR 9
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0 TAR 7
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0 TAR 6
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0 TAR 5
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0 TAR 2
11th Matt & Ana 11.0 TAR 1
10th Edwin & Monica 10.0 Only team to finish last for the first two rounds of the race TAR Asia 3
10th Jody & Shannon 10.0 TAR Adventure 16
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0 TAR 9
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0 TAR 11
10th Neena & Amit 10.0 TAR Asia 3
10th A Black Family 10.0 TAR 8
— F +–
10th Steve & Linda 9.4 TAR 14
10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????) TAR 13
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.) TAR 7
11th Garrett & Jessica 9.5 TAR 15
10th Kate & Pat 9.0 TAR 12
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0 TAR 11
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0 May or may not be gutsy. TAR 2
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0 TAR 6
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF TAR 3
9th Marianna & Julia 8.33 TAR 12
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33 TAR 4
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2 Saved by NEL once TAR 6
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0 TAR 10
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0 TAR 1
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8 Yielded TAR 9
8th Marisa & Brooke 7.75 Sucked. TAR 13
7th Mika & Canaan 7.67  Why the heck did they sign up? TAR 15
9th Marcy & Ron 7.67 Bald. TAR 15
9th Isaac & William 7.5 TAR Asia 3
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33 TAR 5
8th Aiello Family 7.0 TAR 8
8th Singaporean Sophie & French Born Aurelia 7.0 (French Born Aurelia sadly does not know the English words for ‘team averages’. :/) TAR Asia 2
–D minus–
8th Tom & Terry 7.0 TAR 10
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0 R.I.P. Margaretta TAR 1
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0 Producers refused to hay bail them. TAR 6
10th Hope & Norm 7.0 TAR 2
7th Christie & Jodi 6.67 Saved by NEL–Became the Devil of Casting Later TAR 14
9th Brad & Victoria 6.67 TAR 14
7th Niroo & Kapil 6.75 TAR Asia 3
6th Maria & Tiffany 6.57 Saved by NEL once and Justin’s blunder again TAR 15
9th Rogers Family 6.5 R.I.P. Renee. TAR 8
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5 TAR 7
6th Henry & Terri 6.44 Used Their Yield; saved by a non-elimination round THREE times. R.I.P. Henry. TAR Asia 2
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43 Saved by NEL once TAR 1
9th Brett & Kinar 6.33 Rocky finish. TAR Asia 2
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 6.33 TAR Asia 1
8th Pailin & Natalie 6.33 TAR Asia 3
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25 TAR 9
7th Aja & Cabbie 6.2 TAR 13
7th Paul & Amie 6.2 TAR 1
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF TAR 4
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF Saved by NEL once TAR 10
–D+–
8th Lance & Keri 6.0 TAR 15
9th Zev & Justin 6.0 Passport lost. TAR 15
10th Ernie & Jeena 6.0 TAR Asia 1
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0 TAR 4
6th Andre & Damon 5.86 TAR 3
7th Daichi & Sawaka 5.83 TAR Asia 2
7th Dave & Lori 5.83 Saved by NEL once TAR 9
5th Kami & Karli 5.8 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8 TAR 3
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8 TAR 2
7th Shana & Jennifer 5.8 Used U-Turn TAR 12
9th Heather & Eve 5.75 Legal team beaten by rule book. TAR 3
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67 R.I.P. Nancy. Saved by NEL once. TAR 1
6th Gaghan Family 5.5 TAR 8
10th Alison & Donny 5.5 TAR 5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF TAR 4
8th Sahil & Prashant 5.4 FF. Beaten by a bunch of rules. TAR Asia 1
–C minus–
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36 Saved by NEL twice TAR 7
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF TAR 4
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33 TAR 5
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33 TAR 7
7th Gus & Hera 5.29 TAR 6
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25 Saved by NEL once TAR 11
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25 TAR 5
8th Lorena & Jason 5.25 U-Turned TAR 12
5th Mark & Michael 5.22 Saved by NEL once but came up just short TAR 14
3rd Andrew & Dan 5.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 13
7th Silver & Gold/ Wil & Grace 5.17 TAR 3
6th Kelly & Christy 5.14 TAR 13
7th Ray & Deana 5.0 FF TAR 7
7th Melody & Sharon 5.0. Screwed over by weird penalty for another team. TAR Asia 1
9th Steve & Josh 5.0  FF TAR 4
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0  FF TAR 1
9th Mark & Bill 5.0  Wah. TAR 13
5th Fran & Barry 4.89 TAR 9
6th Howard & Sahran 4.88 TAR Asia 1
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85 – Yielded TAR 10
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF and saved by NEL once TAR 3
6th Mai & Oliver 4.8 In a car TAR Asia 3
7th Teri & Ian All Stars 4.83 TAR 11
7th Schroeder Family 4.75 TAR 8
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71 – Used Yield TAR 9
6th Brian & Greg 4.71 TAR 7
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70 TAR 10
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF and Used Yield and Yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 6
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67 TAR 10
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 6
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF TAR 3
8th Kris & Jo–er, Amanda 4.50 U-Turned TAR 14
5th Paula & Natasha 4.45 saved by NEL once TAR Asia 2
5th Uchenna & Joyce All Stars 4.33 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 11
4th Kisha & Jen 4.27 Saved by NEL once, U-Turned once TAR 14
3rd Brian & Ericka 4.25 saved by NEL once TAR 15
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF TAR 2
–B minus–
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23 saved by NEL once TAR 9
5th Gary & Matt 4.22 saved by NEL once and c—blocked once in Saunabuss TAR 15
3rd Nicolas & Donald 4.18 FF and U-Turned TAR 12
4th Linda & Karen 4.17 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
3rd Charla & Mirna All Stars 4.15 TAR 11
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.) TAR 2
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF and Used Yield TAR 8
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11 TAR 7
5th Andy & Laura 4.00 – Yielded TAR Asia 1
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF, saved by NEL, grew goatees TAR 4
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 2
2nd Jaime & Cara 3.92 TAR 14
2nd Pamela & Vanessa 3.92 TAR Asia 2
4th A.D. & Fuzzie 3.90 – U-Turned and saved by NEL once TAR Asia 3
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF TAR 2
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85 Saved by NEL twice TAR 4
1st Zabrina & Joe Jer 3.77 saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
2nd Sandy & Francesca 3.77 – Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
4th Diane & Ann 3.75 – Yielded TAR Asia 2
4th Jon & Al 3.73 TAR 4
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71 TAR 5
–B+–
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 2
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF TAR 4
5th Kynt & Vyxsin 3.63 Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 12
1st Eric & Danielle All Stars 3.62 – Yielded Twice, saved by NEL once TAR 11
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF, saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
6th Mel & Mike 3.57 TAR 14
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56 TAR 6
3rd Ida & Tania 3.54 Saved by NEL twice TAR Asia 3
4th Joseph & Monica 3.50 – Yielded TAR 9
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46 TAR Asia 1
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46 – Used Yield and Yielded TAR 6
2nd Ronald & Christina 3.45 TAR 12
4th Nathan & Jennifer 3.40 – Never finished in 1st TAR 12
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 2
1st Chip & Kim 3.38 – Used Yield TAR 5
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF TAR 1
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
5th Terence & Sarah 3.25 TAR 13
1st TK & Rachel 3.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 12
4th Godlewski Family 3.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 8
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17 – Used Yield, saved by NEL once
–A minus–
2nd Sam & Dan 3.17 U-Turned Pointlessly TAR 15
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17 TAR 10
3rd Weaver Family 3.15 – Yielded Twice, saved by NEL twice TAR 8
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF TAR 4
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 7
4th Toni & Dallas 3.10 Still in Russia TAR 13
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF TAR 3
2nd Geoff 26 & Tisha 31  3.09 Used Yield and U-Turn TAR Asia 3
4th Herb & Nate a.k.a. Flight Time & Big Easy 3.09 TAR 15. Znarf!
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF TAR 10
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00 – Yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 7
6th Azaria & Hendekea 3.00 TAR 12
4th Hayden & Aaron Saved by NEL once 2.92 TAR 6
2nd Dustin & Kandice All Stars 2.92 – Used Yield TAR 10
2nd Bransen Family Saved by NEL once 2.85 TAR 8
1st Linz Family 2.77 – Used Yield TAR 8
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 1
–BEST OF THE BEST–
3rd Margie & Luke 2.75 Used U-Turn once TAR 14
5th Henry & Bernie/Bunn-Eh 2.75 – Yielded TAR Asia 3
8th Rob & Amber All Stars 2.75 – Used Yield, Choked TAR 11
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 3
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF TAR 3
4th Oswald & Danny All Stars 2.67 FF x2, Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 11
2nd Ken & Tina 2.64 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 13
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF, Yielded, and saved by NEL once TAR 5
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF TAR 2
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF TAR 1
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF, Used Yield, and saved by NEL twice TAR 9
1st Vince & Sam 2.45 FF TAR Asia 3
1st Nick & Starr 2.45 FF TAR 13
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF TAR 10
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF TAR 1
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38 TAR 6
1st Tammy & Victor 2.33 Used U-Turn Once TAR 14
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31 TAR 7
1st Adrian & Collin 2.23 FF TAR Asia 2
1st Meghan & Cheyne 2.00 FF TAR 15
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF TAR 9
lol 3rd Marc & Rovilson 1.46 Used Yield and Yielded TAR Asia 2

Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)

11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 10 + 11
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 3 + 11
18 legs Danielle 4.78 yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
19 legs Teri & Ian 4.63 FF TAR 3 + 11
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF TAR 1 + 11
20 legs Charla & Mirna 4.00 TAR 5 + 11
21 legs Joe & Bill 3.71 FF, saved by NEL thrice TAR 1 + 11
22 legs Uchenna & Joyce 3.64 FF x2, saved by NEL twice TAR 7 + 11
*31 legs Eric & Danielle 3.48 FF, yielded x3, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
23 legs Oswald & Danny 3.30 FF x3, used Yield, saved by NEL twice TAR 2 + 11
25 legs Dustin & Kandice 3.04 used Yield twice, saved by NEL once TAR 10 + 11
26 legs Eric 2.65 FF, yielded x2, saved by NEL once  TAR 9 + 11
17 legs Rob & Amber 2.41 Used Yield TAR 7 + 11

* I determined Eric & Danielle’s average in this last section by adding up all of their individual points from TAR 9, then adding up their total points in All Stars and dividing it by 31.

Rank the Teams

1) Jody & Shannon

Shannon may be one of the blandest people to ever be on The Amazing Race. I can honestly not recall a single word Shannon said in either of the two episodes. Her personality is as thin as her body.

Clearly, that is not why this team was cast.

After this season we only have one older team that comes to mind. Here in TAR 16 we are granted the oldest exception for the franchise as Jody Kelly runs the race at seventy-one. She competed in rowing, triathlons, half marathons, and does weight training on the side.

Sure, she would get beaten by TAR Ukraine’s Vladimir Valisenko by one year at the age of 72, but hey, did anyone follow TAR Ukraine? There was a season in 2013, but why wasn’t there one in 2014?

Jody also happened to be one of the most eloquent confessionalists in series history. There has never been a person in reality TV history who speaks more clearly and coherently than her. She needs to be given major props for that.

These two could have survived longer if they wished to do so, but there was zero competitive fire. It is like they chose not to race hard because they were afraid of hurting the other team’s feelings. If Adrian was able to get across that cable, Jody & Shannon would have slowed down like an adult racing their five year old niece.

Sadly, their inability to preserve a second-to-last place is what prevented them from making a reasonable run. They were certainly capable of it. Plenty of teams would have helped them if Jody & Shannon were willing to fight harder to stay in.

Instead Jeff Schroeder helps middle-aged males in physical shape get out of last place and ultimately beat Jody & Shannon by about five to ten minutes. Seriously Jeff, you must have known Jody & Shannon were in last. You really didn’t want to take the time to ignore Michael & Louie?

Just imagine a world where Michael & Louie, a team who proclaimed they would win all twelve legs, get eliminated by a 71 year old in the second round of the race following a ninth place finish in the premiere.

But that was not Jody & Shannon’s goal. They just wanted an adventure rather than a competition. Complete your run rather than win the run. This decision results in a very predictable finish for them.

We need somebody in their 70s who truly believes they can win The Amazing Race. That is what we need to see.

If only they fought for a better bus.

2) Adrian & Dana

She, uh. . .should have done the Roadblock.

Rank the Legs

1) Valparaiso, Chile -> Puerto Varas, Chile

The “most gruelling season ever” takes a huge step down in difficulty for this round.

Perhaps the biggest obstacle was for the racers to see Jeff & Jordan every twenty seconds. We did not see any of the other nine teams check out of the pit stop. The only drama with them was missing both buses in Temuco, but still being in the middle of the pack for the whole round.

The other obstacle was hearing the City Slickers theme repeatedly as Jet & Cord utter the phrase “oh my gravy” four times. Lone Rangers was uttered three times. References to their hat protectors was out of hand, too. Their sneaky little tactic to be the first bus into town  is when they were the most popular team in TAR at the time.

The initial route marker of making teams two or more buses along with taking a car and a boat was one of the best in TAR history.

However, the tasks and driving to subsequent route markers were very quick. Jump off a pier or put a blanket on a llama? Go around a barn collecting eggs, flour, and milk a cow? Then drive straight for twenty minutes to the pit stop? That is really easy stuff.

I could watch teams get kicked in the body by llamas and cows on repeat. That was the only upside to it.

In short, the five different options teams took to get to the first route markers was great. After that it was ultra easy and simplified. A bit of a letdown, really.

Screw you Jeff Schroeder for helping Michael & Louie to get out of last place to beat Jody & Shannon. If only Jody & Shannon knew to buy tickets for a connecting bus as well.

2) Los Angeles, California, USA -> Valparaiso, Chile

Compared to TAR 15’s premiere, this one is ten times better.

But compared to virtually any other premiere, this one is probably sub-par. One hour premieres with eleven teams are truly rushed.

Phil starts out the season with the dreaded “toughest season ever” tagline that we know all too well from TAR Asia 3. However, TAR Asia 3 nearly lived up to that tagline. TAR 16’s premiere? Not so much.

First off, teams were brought in on the same bus. Next? They had to get to LAX using public transit. Therefore, this was the cheapest ride to the airport in TAR history, and obviously meant that several teams would get to the airport simultaneously.

Another pointless twist was that only three teams would be on the first flight, and eight teams on the second flight. That makes zero sense because you are at much more of a disadvantage if eight teams are on the first flight, and only three teams on the second flight. If the first flight suffers any sort of delay, they will be at the biggest disadvantage of all.

And guess what? The first flight was delayed, and all eleven teams were forced to be on the second flight! This is the first time in TAR history that all teams left the United States on the same flight. I can’t get over that.

Thankfully the rest of the stupidity lies with the contestants. Jet & Cord exchanging money for a currency that has nothing to do with Chile, Adrian doing the Roadblock instead of Dana, Brent & Caite refusing to read, Jordan Lloyd beating everyone, Steve & Allie painting the inside of a stranger’s house, and Michael & Louie humiliating themselves.

There was an unaired route marker prior to arriving in Valparaiso. I guess a neat castle was too much for 42 minutes. Instead we needed to listen to Jeff Schroeder’s commentary and laugh at Adrian in the process.

Dana & Adrian were heavy favourites entering the season because not only were they superfans, but viewers thought they would be like Chip & Kim or Uchenna & Joyce. I know. That’s a disturbing way of thinking.

They led most of the way until Adrian decided to do the Roadblock. The first hurdle of the season and they were nowhere close to achieving it. I personally think Dana & Adrian were doomed to go early despite this blunder. Adrian and Dana both sounded fatigued even before the Roadblock. I think him or Dana would have experienced a serious injury within the first couple of legs. They would not have held up physically for twelve legs.

So far “toughest race ever” is proving to be “least expensive race ever” after the premiere.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in The Amazing Race, The Amazing Race 16 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s