The Amazing Race 16 season premiere ranking

THE AMAZING RACE 16

Introduction

COUNTRIES VISITED

CHILE – ARGENTINA – GERMANY – FRANCE – SEYCHELLES – MALAYSIA – SINGAPORE – CHINA – UNITED STATES

Where to begin with introducing The Amazing Race 16? This was the season that aired at the same time as Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains. After numerous complaints of the show wearing down during TAR 15, I would say the number of prominent TAR bloggers and superfans who complained about TAR fatigue tripled. I remember being in university reading countless articles stating “TAR needs to take a break or end now”.

And those sentiments are reflected in the ratings. By the end of the season, the ratings drop to its worst share since TAR 4’s airing. Yes, the season which triggered an eleven month hiatus for the franchise, and nearly led to permanent cancellation. The atmosphere surrounding TAR 16 is virtually identical to the one we all felt during TAR 24. I bet some TAR fans thought 17 or 18 would be the show’s final days. Yet here we are with TAR Canada 2 and TAR Australia 3 airing simultaneously as TAR 25 airs in just over a month.

I am calling it right now, but I could very well see a long hiatus after TAR 25. Some think the show will be cancelled, but I see CBS deciding to take a long break.

Why was TAR not being shown love during TAR 16?

a) They are running out of new countries. You will see a trend where only one new country will debut per season, and likely one associated with Africa. This year we get one round in Seychelles. Two rounds will be in Shanghai which will soon become one of the most abused cities in the TAR universe.

As I said before, I only saw the finale, the penultimate round, and the Seychelles round because I was eager to see a new country. TAR knows route matters, but sometimes you can have crappy producers who do not know what to do.

b) All-female teams have no hope of winning. This was becoming a huge complaint by fans. It took ten seasons just to have our first all-female team in the Final Three. Now imagine what it is like when Jaime & Cara are the only all-female team to make it to Final Three since TAR 11.

Look at the all-female teams cast for this season. One of them has the oldest person to race in TAR history. The other two teams are all women between the ages of 39 to 47. Unless you’re a TAR Asia all-female team, this puts you at a huge disadvantage. Therefore, all-female teams appeared to be doomed once again.

c) Our first YouTube star! That’s right. This is the beginning of teams being cast from their viral fame on YouTube. Miss South Carolina, Caite Upton, who made the infamous USA-South Africa-Iraq map rambling was being cast for a show about racing around the world and engaging with cultural horizons. Nobody wanted to see her play, and her casting felt like an insult to the show.

d) The two most popular teams for this season, who you will figure out very quickly, were not particularly popular with the gay community. One team consists of two Big Brother contestants from the previous year. Once Big Brother 11 concluded, the next available race for them to do was TAR 16. Sadly, remarks that the one male makes about Dumbledore in Harry Potter really hurt him long term. Funny thing is he returns to play BB once more for season thirteen and makes the same remarks.

The other team will become the new face of the TAR franchise. Nobody will play more rounds of TAR in a shorter period of time. Yes, we have one more threepeat coming from TAR 17, but she does not play as many rounds as this team does over the next four years. By the end of the season, this team received a Russell Hantz-like propaganda edit where most of America would cheer for them to win. Once filming finished, both were exposed with significant homophobic comments. Casual viewers were oblivious to this, but the online community was horrified.

Again, I cannot stress how unpopular this cast was all around and how it did not cater to the audience’s tastes one bit. The most homophobic team was the only team that people supported throughout the season. Wrap your minds around that one.

e) One last point that needs to be made regarding the cast. In the previews for the season, Phil repeatedly hyped that superfans are apart of the season and he loves making their dreams come true. He also stressed that the superfans should not be too disappointed if they make an early exit. The team he singles out as superfans happen to be the least fit team in the cast. Be positive, guys.

mike borassi

I should remind you this happened just months before TAR 16 started filming.

What transpires is that the superfan team has such a horrendous time with the first leg that they barely make it farther than Bilal & Sa’eed did. I am not kidding you. If you thought Marshall & Lance and Mika waiting halfway through the season to throw in the towel, and on-site eliminations over the years, this team is out in the blink of an eye.

Casting superfans or teams you do not expect to win in exchange for entertainment is one thing, but knowing they will be unable to complete the first major task of the season truly is a waste of a spot. I rarely say that, but in this case it is true.

f) Intersection revival after a five season hiatus does nothing to enhance the show. You know what my stance is on the Intersection. I love it in concept, but not in its execution in TAR 10 and 11. Both seasons used it in a round where a team was Marked for Elimination. Whoever they were paired up with would help them for the one lousy task then just tail them to the pit stop, thereby guaranteeing the team Marked for Elimination could not survive the thirty minute penalty.

TAR 16 is slightly different because there are not only more teams at the Intersection, but also nobody with a non-elimination penalty to avoid. However, the same lousy formula of teaming up for one task then splitting off occurs once again. I doubt you even remember this season had an Intersection.

They need an Intersection to last for an entire round or two full rounds. If it is two rounds, make the first be a non-elimination but the second round eliminate the bottom two teams that are Intersected. Otherwise, what’s the point of the twist? To ensure a close finish?

g) Producers decide the Switchback task is not worth doing for several years. You can forget about this TAR 15 twist for now. As of TAR 24’s conclusion, it only re-appears in three more seasons. What was the point of the Switchback, anyway?

h) In TAR 4, producers shook things up by having a Roadblock appear before a Detour for the first time. Nothing else changed until this season. For the first time ever, you will see a round with TWO Roadblocks but zero Detours. This will become increasingly common over the years.

Why does having two Roadblocks in one episode with zero Detours suck? Because Detours could make or break you. Choose the wrong option and a strong team could be out. Two Roadblocks preserves the strong task-oriented teams from being at risk. When you do not need to use your brain, it is much easier to survive the leg. I would rather see two Detours before two Roadblocks.

The only reason I can think of that production has done it more and more over the years is because of budget cuts. Occasionally, every team will choose one Detour option over the other (typically when teams were willing to do a heights related task versus sacrificing the obvious time-consuming safer one). It is cheaper to use one location rather than have to hire twice as many crew members, and leave one half of your task crew bored at the unused spot.

Blame TAR 16 for this new trend. I am not entirely against this twist, but the reasoning is quite clear when producers have yet to do two Detours in an episode.

P.S. A man occasionally behind the scenes with helping produce this blog, Ben Powell, notes that a benefit to having two Roadblocks works in the season opener to ensure both members are forced to do a task before being eliminated.

However, two Roadblocks in the same leg only occurs this season until it nears its conclusion.

i) This is the last major strike against TAR 16 and why it was doomed to be the worst season ratings wise on TV since TAR 4. It was airing against Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains. The tenth year anniversary for competitive reality TV in general, and CBS was hyping the crap out of it. If TAR threw out a good gem, it would be a hidden treat for later fans of the show. If it was a crap season, virtually nobody would be talking about it.

It will not be until TAR 17 and 18 airing against unpopular Survivor seasons of Nicaragua and Redemption Island that the series regains an audience.

j) Okay, this is actually the final con for TAR 16, and why it was hopeless. There are many parallels to how Survivor: Samoa was edited. I will not get into full detail right now, but if you sit down and analyze it, you will notice the striking number of parallels. It makes sense when Survivor: Samoa was on TV that year. Apparently all CBS shows wanted to hype up one to three characters without a defined edit to make or break a season rather than an evenly edited narrative.

Because you shape your narrative around the audience getting behind one particular team, anybody who dislikes them will be angry until they lose. If they do not lose until the final episode, viewers will hate that they have to put up with eleven rounds of unbearable content. If they love that team, they will love the first eleven episodes but go on a crusade saying they hated the season because of the ending.

It is what I like to call a “lose-lose” style of editing. If you make a season all about one character who makes it to the end but loses, chances are their fans and haters will both hate the season equally, albeit for different reasons.

k) Oh, I forgot. Another damn starting line in Los Angeles.

TAR 11: Begin in Miami. End in San Francisco.
TAR 12: Begin in LA. End in Alaska.
TAR 13: Begin in LA. End in Portland.
TAR 14: Begin in LA. End in Hawaii.
TAR 15: Begin in LA. End in Vegas.
TAR 16: Begin in LA. End in San Francisco.

For the fifth season in a row, we start in LA and also end in the exact same city from the All Stars edition. One of the many pluses for TAR 17 is that we see the race start in a city that had never appeared previously in TAR.

TAR 25 is about to have its NYC starting line. For some reason after twenty-five seasons we have yet to see Boston, Mt. Rushmore, Philadelphia, anywhere in Texas, Tennessee, or Washington, D.C. serve as the starting line. Heck, we haven’t seen Texas since the TAR 5 finale. There are a ton of states which have yet to be showcased even if you include Family Edition.

Again, LA is just another budget saver. Sigh.

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With that out of the way, let’s go over some formatting changes since TAR 15.

Overall formatting

1) The Switchback is discarded.

2) We start with eleven teams rather than a temporary twelfth team. Therefore the starting line elimination task is gone too. After this season we will see a huge increase in a starting line task just with far less stakes.

3) The Intersection being brought back for the first and final time since TAR 11. You can ignore this twist because it is more significant than ever, and will never appear in the US version.

4) The first time that a season acknowledges another TAR franchise (TAR Asia). It is the beginning of TAR Asia’s farewell as the final Asian season airs directly after TAR 16. Wu’s Last Stand.

5) Instead of two European countries debuting like last season, this season will see an island African country make a one round debut (Seychelles).

6) A later Fast Forward offer compared to TAR 15. TAR 15 saw Meghan & Cheyne take a Fast Forward in round five with eight teams remaining. TAR 16 offers this season’s lone Fast Forward in round nine with only five teams remaining. The smallest number of teams remaining to be offered a Fast Forward since TAR 9’s Thailand cricket eating task at the penultimate elimination of the season.

I really really really want Fast Forwards to be brought back on a weekly basis. Instead, we go through season eleven of the leading team hunting down the Fast Forward and scoring the easy win for the leg.

7) We travel to nearly every continent. South America, Europe, Africa, and Asia are all visited this season. TAR 15 never entered the southern hemisphere.

8) Oh yeah. The first visit to South America since TAR 13.

bolivia mark 2

It has never been the same since.

So. That’s it for the TAR 16 write-up. Will you dislike the season? Most likely. But will it be as bad as TAR 14 or TAR 6? I sure to god hope not.

Enjoy!
h) Two U-Turns instead of one; a really late Fast Forward

First Episode

“Keith Brown, Is That You? Keith Brown?”

la start traffic

“Los Angeles the city of. . .oh, wait we’ve used that one. . .and that one. . .eh, let’s just go with L.A.: City of Traffic.”

PHIL: It’s dawn, and the twenty-five freeways in L.A. are jammed.

Yep. The LA intros have resorted to using traffic as the city’s most interesting landmark remaining.

– And how much has the budget been cut this year?

la start bus

Just like season one, all twenty-two racers must share a bus.

– Phil introduces us to our eleven teams.

BRENT & CAITE–DATING MODELS FROM SOUTH CAROLINA

She reveals she was a competitor of Miss Teen USA in 2007.

brent caite intro

While he reveals he was a competitor of Mister Teen Hobbit in 2007.

CAITE: I made a horrible mistake on stage.

mario lopez caite

In front of Mario Lopez, no less!

mario lopez saved by the bell

Oh, happy 25th anniversary, Mario ❤

caite miss usa

AIMEE TEEGARDEN (WHO?): A fifth of Americans can’t locate America on a world map. Why do you think this is?
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Seriously. Who the f— is Aimee Teagarden? To Wikipedia, everyone!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aimee_Teegarden

aimee teegarden

Aimee Teegarden is best known for asking the question that Caitlin Upton screwed up on in the Miss Teen USA 2007 pageant”. . .wow. That was real helpful.

I wonder what would happen if we visited Caite Upton’s Wiki page.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caitlin_Upton

caite upton

Yep. Best known for giving a response to a question posed by Aimee Teegarden. They really helped out each other’s fame, honestly.

Do you know what the best part of Caite Upton’s Wiki page is, though?

caite upton 2

That’s right. There is a very prominent supermodel named Kate Upton. She is three years younger than Caite Upton. I can assure you without a doubt in my mind that Kate Upton receives tweets weekly meant for Caite Upton, and Caite Upton hates that her most positive response from fans is when they think she is Kate Upton.

Poetic.

– Oh, and TAR airs her entire response along with a gong. Brent feels that Caite does not deserve the crap that people give her.

brent caite intro 2

And if that doesn’t change, then just taunt the people sitting on the couch that you look better than them, and essentially their response to you is what fuelled casting agents to put you on The Amazing Race!

CAITE: People think I’m ignorant. I’m going to make you change your mind, I promise.

brent caite intro 3

Spoiler: She manages to make things worse.

In Caite’s defense, you have to keep in mind that she is still only twenty years old when this season filmed. She is the youngest racer to appear on TAR other than those who were in Family Edition.

Survivor: Tocantins was the first time contestants under the age of 21 were allowed to play on Survivor or TAR. Considering Caite has been stuck in the pageant lifestyle for her childhood, it is no surprise that she never stood a chance of improving her reputation at such a young age.

There will be many things she will be hurt by as she grows older, and sadly many of it will be permanently on the Internet and on television.

brent caite intro 4

Like, uh, this one such as.

– Time for our second team.

JET & CORD — BROTHERS FROM OKLAHOMA

And their iconic theme music plays for the first time. This will far surpass the number of times that we hear the Globetrotters’ theme. For some reason, these two teams will be the only ones in TAR history to have their own specialized theme.

jet cord intro

“Producers want us to cater to TAR’s dominating Conservative market!”
“What do we say, partner?”
“Don’t cuss!”
“Ride horses!”
“Exaggerate how small our town is!”
“Don’t work with other teams!”
“Make other teams look guilty!”
“And don’t give credit where credit is due!”
“Yeehaw!”

jet cord intro 2

“If we don’t cross the finish line first, the terrorists win.”

– They talk about winning five titles in the sketchy sport known as bull riding.

jet cord intro 3

At least Spain redeems themselves by feeding the abused bulls to the poor. Here? Not so much.

– Jet & Cord say the race may be unnerving at times, but riding a 1, 800 pound bull who hates you can be unnerving too.

– Now to our third team.

STEVE & ALLIE– FATHER & DAUGHTER FROM SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

steve allie intro

They’re hanging loose but not even at the start line yet.

I should note they are both too cool to go by Steven or Allison.

– Steve is a professional baseball coach. He helped the Philadelphia Phillies win the World Series in 2008.

philadelphia phillies

But they could’ve really used him in 2014!

steve allie intro 2

Catch with Dad.

steve allie intro 3

Hitting Dad With a Baseball Mike Skupin Style.

– Steve says he is gone seven months out of the year, and wants him and his daughter to have a memory of something they did together. I should note Allie is completely silent.

– Now to our fourth team.
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stone cold steve austin

Oh My God!

DAN & JORDAN — BROTHERS FROM RHODE ISLAND

dan jordan intro

The two biggest badasses on the planet–Dan & Jordan.
DAN: Jordan and I are alike in a ton of ways, and different in a ton of ways.
JORDAN: I am gay. Surprise.
DAN: I’m not.
JORDAN: Here we go. I will not be holding that back from anybody. Gay all the way. Gay’s the only way.
DAN: . . .Not true.

That’s right. Nobody gay from Rhode Island has never won anything.

richard hatch

No one, you say?

– Ready for team number five?

DANA & ADRIAN–HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS MARRIED SEVENTEEN YEARS

dana adrian intro

Superfans! What’s the first thing we learn about our superfans?

dana adrian intro 2

ADRIAN: I took our entire savings and put it into a business that failed miserably. We’ve gone through so much, and we’ll use that to our advantage to win this race!

Hold on. Back up. What did you do with your life savings?

dana adrian intro 3

The maximum height that Dana & Adrian are allowed in marriage and in life.

– Time for team number six? Let’s do it.

JEFF & JORDAN — DATING LONG DISTANCE

jordan jeff intro

Ninja Jeff Schroeder! How did he jump so high?

dumbledore

It was like magic!

– So we get a recap on their relationship from six months earlier which was showcased in the Big Brother 11 house. Considering they are both in Big Brother 13, it is incredible they are not in The Amazing Race 24 too.

jeff jordan intro 2

Dumbledore forever trapped Jeff & Jordan’s fame inside of those tiny boxes.

– Oh, and if you thought producers wanted to humiliate Caite with her stupidity, it is now time to flame Jordan for hers.

jeff jordan intro 3

JORDAN: Like when people say quarter to, I always ask what time does that mean?

Yep. See, Caite has the excuse of being on stage and in a flustered state. If you haven’t been on stage, you have no idea what random crap can come out of your mouth.

But when you’re 21 and don’t know how to tell time, and Jeff Schroeder spends over an hour explaining it to you, well, who should really be receiving all of the hate mail?

jordan lloyd

By the way, she is the brains behind the Big Brother 11 victory, and was one HoH victory shy of winning Big Brother 13. I know.

– Who is next?

JODY & SHANNON–GRANDMOTHER & GRANDDAUGHTER BOTH TRIATHLETES

Yes. The first all-female grandparent-grandchild team. They’re screwed.

jody shannon intro

Remember how I said Caite is the youngest racer to run in a regular season of TAR? Well, Jody is the oldest at 71. Caite is the youngest to this day, and Jody is the oldest to this day to participate in TAR.

But guess what? Jody is more fit than many of the 20-something year old women we’ve seen playing TAR.

jody shannon intro 2

Not one, not two, not three, but FIFTEEN triathlons to her name.

jody shannon intro 3

Couch potato turned athlete.

jody shannon intro 4

Couch potato turned rower.

jody shannon intro 5

Couch potato turned steroid user.

– I should note Shannon does not say a single word during this intro. It’s just Jody talking about being a former couch potato and boasting about her physical credentials.

– Are you ready for the next team?

MICHAEL & LOUIE—UNDERCOVER POLICE DETECTIVES FROM RHODE ISLAND

No, neither of them are gay.

michael louie intro

Yep, the cops must wear blue. Also, I think their cover is blown after appearing on national television.

louie michael intro

Michael & Louie in Ferguson, Missouri.

– Michael says today they could be millionaires, but tomorrow a crackhead. Louie says they deal with high level drug dealers.

louie michael intro 2

We see more footage of Louie & Michael in Ferguson.

LOUIE: We deal with high level drug dealers. The scum of the Earth.

louie michael intro 3

Says the man who has the sleeziest half goatee known to man.

And Michael makes one of his more infamous proclamations.

MICHAEL: I don’t mean to be cocky, but I see us winning every leg!

louie michael intro 4

“I don’t mean to be an asshole, but when I see Miss Teen USA, Jeff and Jordan from Big Brother, and a 71 year old woman, I think we’ll win!”

– Time for team number nine.

MONIQUE & SHAWNE– BEST FRIENDS AND ATTORNEYS

monique shawne intro

They really are close.

SHAWNE: We are moms who make it happen.

monique shawne intro 2

Monique and I would have had matching hair back in 2012, believe it or not.

MONIQUE: We have the skills, emotional stability, and determination to win. For sure.

monique shawne intro 3

After TAR 24, I think Monique and Shawne should represent the people in The Planet Earth vs. Bertram Van Munster’s Quality Control.

– Team ten. Let’s do it.

JOE & HEIDI— MARRIED PARENTS FROM ELSAGOODNOR, CALIFORNIA.

*Correction: El Segundo. Wow. That is definitely not what it sounds like.

I should note it is Heidi Wang and Joe Wang. I really hope they go to Vietnam this season.

What is our first introduction to Joe, anyway?

heidi joe wang intro

It’s Conspicuous Boob Grab Time!

japan marcy ron 4

He clearly took a lesson from Ron last season. I hope Joe starts thinking with his head at the beginning rather than his Wang.

JOE: I’m the leader, this Big Joe right here.

That’s right. He’s already nicknamed himself. It’s not Joe Wang. You are to address him as “Big” Joe Wang.

heidi joe wang intro 2

The yellow man is having a tough time opening his eyes.
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Wait! That’s not what I meant! It was an unfortunately timed screen cap, and he happens to be wearing yellow!

triumph the insult comic dog

I joke I joke I kid I kid. If I offend, please, I’m sorry!

heidi joe wang intro 3

heidi joe wang intro 4

We cannot help but notice when Wangs bump into each other!

– We’re not even at the best part of this intro yet.

HEIDI: Joe is very confrontational. He has really said things that piss people off.

heidi joe wang intro 5

There is nothing worse than having “Big” Joe Wang getting right up in your face.

JOE: I know for our team the problem child is going to be me.

Nothing is worse than a Wang getting up in your face and not knowing when to stop.
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Okay. Sorry. I needed to get all of that out of my system. I feel better now.

– Now to our eleventh and final team. They are dating lesbians between the ages of 40 and 47.

laura jackie

No. Guess again.

carol brandy intro

CAROL & BRANDY–DATING FROM LOS ANGELES

CAROL: We’ll win the race if we rip open a clue and it says “find the nearest Louis Vuitton”, we’re golden.

carol brandy intro 2

Sorry, you know the rules. If I see a dog on TAR, I have to screen cap it.

CAROL: I’m a little more princess than–
BRANDY: She’s totally more princess.
CAROL: When it comes to sleeping. You’re not exactly low maintenance.
CAROL: We wanna win.
BRANDY: Go team!

carol brandy intro 3

I swear Brandy’s snippy attitude reminds me of someone.
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laura morett

Ah! We have a match.

– Do you assume Carol & Brandy are vegetarians because Laura & Jackie were in TAR Canada 2?

carol brandy intro 4

Well, that mystery ends within the first fifteen seconds. Bye bye, lobster!

– Those are our eleven teams. Phil begins his routine speech. Luckily no addendum of a team being eliminated at the starting line this year.

la start line

Nice shot of Phil talking to everyone. He continues his speech.

PHIL: As you travel around the globe, you will be facing one of the most difficult and most gdemanding races ever.

Where have I heard that before?

the amazing race asia 3 promo

If it’s anything less than the first task being the consumption of scorpions, running through tropical heat, a night time car wash, and a 36 hour leg the following round, I will be disappointed.

PHIL: Your first clue is waiting inside of the envelope on top of the bags you brought with you. When I give you the word, you can run over to your bags, read the clue, and figure out how to get to the airport using. . .public. . .transportation.

la phil keoghan

Which is really code for “we did not receive any sponsours nor financial backing to rent eleven cars for the first time since season six”.

They make it seem much more dramatic.

la dramatic

Taking public transit for three or four bucks to get to the airport?

the amazing race asia 3 promo

Public transit? Toughest. Race. Ever.

– Phil says there are only two flights. Only the first three teams to arrive at the airport will receive tickets on the first flight. Everyone else will be leaving. . .

PHIL: Almost an HOUR later!

In other words, being in a tie for last place in the airport provides you with the smallest disadvantage in TAR history?

the amazing race asia 3 promo

Toughest. F—ing. Race.Ever.

– Phil announces the million dollar cash prize. Everyone cheers.

la brent caite

Just don’t put Miss Teen USA contestant on the spot of how she would spend it. You may not get a straight answer out of her.

– Is everyone ready? World is waiting. . .good luck. . .travel safe. . .go!

la start

Everyone leans in. Ready.

la phil keoghan 2

Phil really got into it this time.

la phil keoghan 3

Phil Keoghan has mastered evading the stampede after sixteen seasons.

neo

He is the Neo of the TAR universe.

– Everyone runs over to their bags. Allie reads that they will be flying to Santiago, Chile. No other details provided.

la brandy snow

BRANDY: Who takes the bus in LA? I mean, no way.
CAROL: Public transportation to us is like not using the valet parking.

People who love to play a cruel joke on you, Brandy.

– We cut to Jet & Cord. They claim they know less about where they are going than anybody in the cast. They utter those infamous words for the first time.

CORD: We live in a town with one light, and it’s flashing yellow.\

la jet cord mccoy

We have retrograde amnesia. All we remember is that we live in a town that has one light, and it’s flashing yellow.

– Jeff & Jordan find an orange bus. They’re told to walk east to Union Station then take it to FlyAway. Dana & Adrian are with them. Monique & Shawne search for help. A very specific person to help them.

la monique shawne

You’ll slip behind quickly if you put in place a rule of affirmative action when it comes to asking for help on The Amazing Race.

It’s also what a police officer said in a light-hearted exchange with a local in Ferguson.

la monique shawne 2

It makes me wonder how many Black people there are in Chile.

– Carol & Brandy receive directions to the train station. Union Station then FlyAway Bus. Jet & Cord receive directions. Jody & Shannon and Louie & Michael meet up to work together.

JODY: Can you tell we’re grandmother and granddaughter?
MICHAEL: I thought you were her mom.
JODY: Haaaaaa. You get a home-cooked meal for that.

la michael jody

That’s right. Michael just scored points with a 71-year old woman. She’s a keeper, Mike!

– Brent & Caite are waiting for the bus and tell us that everyone has split into different directions. Dan & Jordan yell out to Caite that they love Miss South Carolina. Caite replies that she loves them back.

billy garcia

Not in that way, Billy.

– Brent & Caite decide to keep running rather than waiting at the bus stop. Jordan describes to us that he nearly defecated in his pants when he saw Miss South Carolina.

la dan jordan pious

It’s going to be a crappy season for Dan.

DAN: Do the imitation.
JORDAN: For many Americans don’t have maps, and I think that countries like
the South Africa, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like, such as.

la dan jordan pious 2

The other Rhode Island Rattlesnake loses it. Prepare for this, folks. The racers will engage in the sport of dissing Caite for the duration of her stay on the race.

– Meanwhile, Louie is slowing down. He is behind Jody & Shannon. Michael cannot help but snag the episode title quote at the expense of Louie.

la louie michael

Louie may have motivation to arrest notorious drug dealers, but he gets outrun by a 71-year-old nanna. Louie complains of the backpacks. Racers year after year after year tell viewers that packing light is critical to your success on the race.

la louie stravato

Advice which Louie chose to ignore.

– Heidi & Joe enter the metro first. He is winded. Sweaty. Steve & Allie are with them.

– Brent & Caite and Dan & Jordan hop onto their metro at the same time. It comes by every twenty minutes.

METRO TRAIN #1: HEIDI & JOE; DAN & JORDAN; BRENT & CAITE; STEVE & ALLIE

METRO TRAIN #2: MICHAEL & LOUIE; JODY & SHANNON

– Do you know how editors will choose to rag on Caite? Well, it’s time to cut back to Jordan Lloyd.

la jeff jordan

Oh. Ouch. You’re only off by fifteen thousand kilometres, Jordan. At least Jeff kept it in the Americas.

– JORDAN: I’ve never heard of many of these places.
JEFF: You’ve never heard of Chile.
JORDAN: Yeah, I’ve heard of Chile.
JEFF: Did you ever watch Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

la jeff jordan 2

What do you think, Jeff? Do you think a woman who doesn’t know how to tell time decided to watch and sit down a geography game show?

What’s next? You’re going to ask her if Rockapella is her favourite acapella group?

They forgot the line of “She’ll take Caite and Jordan to the zoos of Chile”.

lynne thigpen

I think Lynne Thigpen would’ve whipped Caite and Jordan in the face until their faces bled if they tried out for ACME Academy.

penn and teller

Despite appearing on the game show several times, Penn and Teller did not pursue their career as ACME detectives.

– Monique & Shawne are a couple rows behind Jeff & Jordan. Dana & Adrian are sitting behind Monique & Shawne. Carol & Brandy are on the bus too.

la monique shawne 3

Dana & Adrian and Monique & Shawne are sitting at the back of the bus? Really?

outkast rosa parks

– Just over nine minutes in and we get the intro for this season. No real surprises here.

tar 16 intro peace

Except for the kid with the peace sign for 1/4 of a second. It only took me three attempts to screen cap it.

– We head back to public transit. Heidi & Joe recap there are only three spots on the first flight but four teams on that train. They discuss the Big Brother team. Jordan doesn’t even know who they are.

– We cut to Team Big Brother. Jeff has some vicious language for Jordan.

la jeff jordan 3

How did Jeff make the determination that the other ten teams are all bitches? This is barely one hour into the race. They only know Dana & Adrian.

– CAROL: We may have to break somebody’s leg getting off the bus.

Wow.

– The four teams jump off the bus. They search for a marker. It’s a mad scramble to find the flagged counter.

la flag

Looking for something?

– Monique is sprinting so hard to the point that her body slams into the counter as she attempts to speak.

la monique pryor

Even Monique’s hair wasn’t prepared.

– Dana & Adrian are second to the counter. Jeff & Jordan are third. Carol & Brandy are fourth.

la tickets

Jordan is still confused about the destination. I bet every superfan of TAR who has auditioned for the process must be furious that Jordan is on the race. Hearing someone confuse Chile with China must infuriate them.

– Monique & Shawne and Carol & Brandy have a girl power cheer.

– Carol & Brandy are fourth to the ticket counter.

CAROL: Are there any empty seats on the first flight?
AGENT (Oprah voice): That flight is fulllllll.

la flight

You just got Oprah’d.

FIRST FLIGHT: JEFF & JORDAN; MONIQUE & SHAWNE; ADRIAN & DANA
SECOND FLIGHT: EVERYONE ELSE

– The first flight connects through Dallas before heading to Santiago.

CAROL: Please tell me it’s raining in Dallas.

Well, the second flight connects through Miami. Something tells me rainstorms in Miami are a bit more severe than in Dallas.

– The eleven teams have all booked tickets for the Santiago flight. It’s time to chat. Jordan socializes with fellow LGBQT members Carol & Brandy. We are shown Jordan telling them the identity of Caite. Jordan even knows her first name. Once Jordan does his imitation for the second time, Carol remembers it.

la dan jordan carol brandy

I don’t know if Carol is pointing at Jordan to stop his impression or because she is ready to point and laugh at Caite.

guilin margie

She was flustered on stage during a major competition and they’re LAUGHING AT HER!

– Jet & Cord exchange all of their money. Logic dictates that it should be the Chilean peso. However, I was not certain and made sure I checked online to verify. Much like how exchanging Canadian dollar for American dollars upon entering the United States.

But Jet & Cord? They disregard all of that. Exchanging is fine, but the results are incredibly dumb.

la jet cord mccoy 2

That’s right. They’re exchanging money for a country they are not even visiting. No joke.

la currency

And here is 15, 000 Brazilian reals. . .you dumbasses.

Maybe the currencies are somewhat close, right?

la currency 2

“A 15 real taxi ride costs everyone over 4, 000? We’re geniuses!”

– Brent & Caite strike up a conversation with Michael & Louie.

la brent caite 2

Funny you should bring that up Brent & Caite, because your crown for the Race’s Biggest Bitch this season will have a very clear winner this season. Such as, uh, not you, and, uh, racers from South Africa.

la carol brandy

Oh god. Ever since talking to Jordan Pious, Carol & Brandy are determined to humiliate Caite on-air as much as possible.

la caite upton

“Those people”? Caite may not be so quick to give up the crown just yet.

– Carol & Brandy recap the two flights for us as they once again pray for weather or mechanical failures. The first flight is on American Airlines.

la delay

Not impressed.

– It is a minimum ten minute delay. And the news gets worse.

la mexican

Amateur soccer pro-turned LAX agent breaks the horrible news to the three leading teams. Jordan is on the verge of tears.

la jordan lloyd


– Commercial. We resume.

– Dana & Adrian can sense the trouble here. They head back to the counter.

la dana adrian davis

For the first time ever, a team tries to retreat and book seats on the second flight. The agent has a lot of flare to her as she says it is better to be on the second flight than potentially losing the whole day.

la lunchlady

She looks more like she would do a lunchlady program with Denise Martin, but I’ll play along here that she is an agent. What’s with the Christmas hat earrings?

– Adrian & Dana are the ninth team on the second flight.

JEFF: So we’re going to arrive at the same time?
AGENT: Riiiiiiight.

Yes. She couldn’t give less of a crap that she is talking to Jeff Schroeder.

– Now all eleven teams are on the same flight. The other eight teams react.

la jordan pious

The Rhode Island Rattlesnake is unhinged as he utters “ohhhhh snap!”

– Carol says aloud that she received the mechanical error she was praying for, and Dana laughs hysterically.

la carol dana

Carol and Dana pursue a comedy duo stand-up act together after the season. They get booed off the stage forty seconds into their first show.

– Cut back to Jeff & Jordan. For some reason everything Jeff says is subtitled like he is the star. Jeff asks Jordan if it’s her first time out of the country. She says yes. She is then asked if she has any illegal fruits or plants on her. She says no.

Was that important to show?

– Eleven teams are flying through Miami to Santiago. When they land, they must scramble to get on a bus to ride sixty miles to Valparaiso. It is famous for its system of funiculars to help locals travel the steep hillsides.

PHIL: Valparaiso is known as the San Francisco of South America.

It is?

– Once there, they must find the Ascensor Villaseca where they will find their next clue.

chile ascensor villaseca

game of thrones brace yourselves

– Teams arrive in Chile.

santiago flight

You know what I think about Chile? Look at it. No other country in the world has that much coastline on the ocean, but yet has zero width to it in-land.

yates

keon clark

It’s like somebody looked at Courtney Yates or Keon Clark, and thought “hey, we could make a country out of that”.

CHILE IN TAR RECAP

TAR 7
TAR 11
TAR 16
TAR 23

There you go.

– Jeff & Jordan are first on the bus. I think Alison Grodner is responsible for this. Get the first flight out of LAX? Get placed with the other teams after a malfunction? Get to be on the first bus too? Sounds like Grodner tactics to me.

– The first bus departs at 12:15pm.

FIRST BUS: MONIQUE & SHAWNE; JEFF & JORDAN; DANA & ADRIAN; BRENT & CAITE

Or as Shawne says:

SHAWNE: J-J, Top Model Couple, and High School Sweethearts.

Oh no. Brace yourselves. They’re developing nicknames.

santiago monique shawne

In other news, did you know Shawne is proud of being a mother?

– We have an early nomination for worst fashion faux pas of TAR 16.

santiago carol brandy

Carol’s glasses. Oi.

– Teams board the second bus which departs at 12:20pm.

SECOND BUS (5 MINUTES LATER): JET & CORD and–

Wait. Jet & Cord try to pay for a ticket to get on the bus. Well, guess what? Paying with a foreign currency on public transit does not fly too well.

santiago cord mccoy

The driver must be stumped. A cowboy holding currency for the wrong country? He probably thinks Cord was tricked by locals.

– Jet & Cord elaborate on why they have Brazilian reals. They claim it is because it was the “closest” thing to Chilean money in the airport.

Yes, they thought “Brazilian real” was closer to “Chilean peso” than “Argentine peso”.

santiago jet cord mccoy

Pssst. Jet & Cord. A 258:1 conversion rate is not close. At all.

– Louie & Michael try to get on the 12:20pm bus but are rejected because it is full. Jet & Cord had to run back and exchange their money.

SECOND BUS (5 MINUTES LATER): CAROL & BRANDY; HEIDI & JOE; DAN & JORDAN; STEVE & ALLIE

THIRD BUS (10 MINUTES AFTER THE FIRST): JET & CORD; LOUIE & MICHAEL; JODY & SHANNON

– Jet & Cord discover that American money works better in Chile than Brazilian money.

– Valparaiso time. Jeff & Jordan are first to the taxi. Brent & Caite are second. Monique & Shawne are third. Dana & Adrian are fourth. Adrian is already breathing heavily.

santiago dana adrian davis

Dang, Adrian is a big dude.

brown family 2

bernard rolle

He looks like a cross between Keith Brown of Treasure Hunters and Bernard Rolle of the Bahamas Strongman circuit. Hopefully his fitness is more like Bernard than it is of Keith Brown.

– The driver cracks a smile as Dana yells “mori rapido” with the worst pronunciation possible.

santiago taxi

A Chilean taxi driver who actually likes American tourists. Odd.

– Jeff & Jordan’s cab is driving like a mad man, but Brent & Caite’s cab passes em anyway. They keep on rollin to the “tippy tippy top” as Caite would say.

This is why twenty year-olds shouldn’t be on the race.

santiago jeff jordan

I really hope Jordan doesn’t drive with her eyes covered.

– Holy crap, the two teams everybody rags on are currently in the top two. Brent & Caite read their clue as Brent orders Caite to stay down.

santiago brent caite

This plan only works if the camera operator ducks too.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Before this task, teams had to go to Vina del Mar and find Wulff Castle. From Wulff Castle, they took a taxi to the town of Valparaiso. Thereby making the bus ride a bit shorter. Phil lied. Check out Wulff Castle. It looks neat.

– Brent & Caite open up the clue. It’s a Roadblock.

PHIL: In a city where you can see old fashioned laundry lines strung between windows, daredevils have expanded the concept into the ultimate rite of passage–cable walking.

Teams must balance on a cable 120 feet above the ground.

santiago cable

It doesn’t look too frightening.

santiago cable 2

Oh. Now it does.

– They must walk on the cable for the length of a football field. Neat.

– Brent volunteers Caite for the deed, such as, uh, the cable walking. Caite doesn’t care about heights because she is a tomboy at heart. Jordan volunteers herself for it because Jeff is afraid of heights.

santiago hint

There’s only one person I know who has the courage of a lion.

emirates lance layne 9

He’s the only one who can do this task, baby!

– Caite cheers on Jordan.

CAITE: It’s windy as s—. I feel like we’re snowboarding.

– Dana & Adrian’s cab asks for directions. Monique & Shawne’s cab is lost too. There’s one more thing.

santiago dog

It’s another dog!!!! You may not want to see Wulff Castle, but I bet you wanted to see Woolf Castle!

– Heidi & Joe, Steve & Allie, and Dan & Jordan are all at the Roadblock task. Jordan, Allie, and Joe are doing it. Steve starts tearing up when talking about her daughter’s balance and courage.

I’m serious. Talking about a person’s balance and courage induces tears.

– Jeff provides commentary on the showdown between Jordan and Caite. Heidi just wants Joe to be safe as with Steve regarding Allie.

JORDAN: I love you, bro! I love you, bro!

– Brandy volunteered herself for the Roadblock in a nanosecond but becomes nervous quickly. She starts randomly screaming, and in the words of Rupert, it hadn’t even started yet.

santiago dog 2

The dogs bark at Brandy.

cruella de vil

They really do mistake her for Cruella De Vil.

santiago brandy snow

Brandy Snow’s fears bring out the smiles in her.

– Caite is done. She reads that they must take a 120 year old funicular to the Ascensor Artillera where they will find the clue on the hillside two feet outside of the funicular.

– The final bus is in Varapaiso. Michael & Louie tell their driver to drive it like it is stolen. Meanwhile Jody & Shannon are both ahead of Jet & Cord. Jet commends Jody’s drive and determination.

santiago jet cord mccoy 2

That’s right. Jet & Cord will finish last this round, and be brought back in 11th for Unfinished Business, and their performance in Unfinished Business leads to their all-star appearance in TAR 24: “All Stars”.

– Monique & Shawne and Dana & Adrian run up the hill. Adrian asks Dana to make the decision. She tells Adrian to do it. Shawne is doing it for her team.

– Jordan tells Dan he loves him as a bro. Jordan is the first person to fall off the cable in TAR traversing history.

santiago jordan pious

Mr. Pious prays that the harness will hold.

– He is unable to hold himself up, and decides to switch up the task entirely.

santiago dan pious

czech republic brian ericka 4

What is this? TAR 15?

– Brandy is wobbly. Carol quietly commands Brandy to not stop. More wobbles.

– Commercial. Resume. Brandy’s wobbles persists. She even rests her bottom on the cable. You can hear the wind on the audio.

– Shawne proves to be more pious than the Rhode Island Rattlesnakes as she repeats “God is with me”.

– Adrian gets suited up. He is prepared to do this as the big dog.

jonathan intro 2

The big dog.

ADRIAN: I have a fear of heights, but I never back down from a challenge. I’m the big dog. Big dog has to roar, right?

santiago adrian davis

Courage of the lion and roar like a big dog?

– Dana states Adrian is doing it because of Adrian’s strength to move fast, but also knows he is heavier which could increase the struggle.

santiago adrian davis 2

ADRIAN: Got it, big boy. This is nothing.

santiago adrian davis 3

“On second thought big boy. . .this might be somethin’.

– Brandy pulls herself up and stands on the cable again. Jordan is the second person done. Jeff corrects her that she did good after she puts herself down. Jordan corrects Jeff by reversing her stance completely, and says she was great.

– You know who would suck at this Roadblock?

rupert 3

Rupert. If Laura did not volunteer herself, he would be out of this season faster than Blood vs. Water.

flo on a cliff

Or Flo. Oh god. Flo falling off the cable would be hysterical.

– Jeff reads the clue for the funicular.

JEFF: What’s a funaculir?

santiago jeff jordan 2

Damn you editors, that’s not how Jeff pronounced the word!

wheel of fortune

Thankfully she’s not on TAR. Seven teams a Roadblockin?

– Brent & Caite know what a funicular is as Jeff & Jordan must ask locals. Dan is done as him and Jordan chase it down. Jeff & Jordan and Dan & Jordan ride the same funicular.

santiago dog 3

But not before two dogs decide to be a Big Bother to team Big Brother! Oh ho! Aren’t those dogs so cute?

JEFF SCHROEDER: Caite and Brent. They’re pretty far ahead.
JORDAN PIOUS: Psssh. Guess I underestimated that team.

santiago jordan pious 2

Jordan never thought he would be the only one capable of stopping Team Big Brother and Team Teen USA.

– The three teams currently in the lead feature the youngest racers on the season.

– Brent & Caite reach the clue box. They read that it’s time to paint the city.

santiago homes

Wow. Look at that. It’s tough to believe a town like this really exists. It doesn’t look real.

santiago homes 2

And another dog! Think pink, my friend.

– Phil says that when the paint gets damaged, the city pays for the paint to be restored. Teams must now choose four cans of paint and supplies. They must then carry them up a steep incline of Templeman Street and searching for the house matching their paint colour. The house has an unfinished section that must be painted by the team with the corresponding colour.

Once that is done, the local painter will give them their next clue.

santiago painter

This guy. His job is to make sure each street has more colours featured than a Gay Pride flag.

– Caite picks up the cans of paint while Brent has the ladder.

BRENT: Run.
CAITE: I can’t run with this, Brent.
BRENT: Try.
CAITE: Don’t push me, Brent.
BRENT: I’m gonna push you.

jonathan race 7

Brent’s father, is that you?

– Brent & Caite are lost. Dare I say they need a map of the area?

JEFF: It’s time to paint the town. Snap!

Is it really a snapworthy moment?

– Allie is done in fourth after she passed Big Wang on the Roadblock. She doesn’t know what a funicular is.

– Brandy and Shawne are still on the cables.

santiago brandy shawne

Because God is with her, Shawne is beating Brandy at the Roadblock.

– Dana cheers on Adrian. She instructs him to take his time.

santiago dana adrian davis 2

“It’s okay! It’s not like we’re in a race.”

– Heidi & Joe and Steve & Allie enter the funicular. Steve is used to team sports and appreciates helping out knowing that aid will come in return. Joe concedes on the funicular that Allie kicked his butt.

santiago peace

Heidi comes in peace. The Smith n Wangarang Alliance is born.

– Brandy finishes the Roadblock. She is unsteady on her feet as she feels accomplished.

santiago brandy snow 2

And something she does not feel she needs to accomplish again.

– Brent & Caite and Jeff & Jordan are searching together. Brent literally says that he has literally searched the whole damn city.

JEFF SCHROEDER: Have you guys been up here yet?
BRENT: It’s the one place we HAVEN’T been.

So you are literally a liar, Brent.

santiago homes 3

It also happens to be the steep incline which Phil described. I wonder who is painting houses at the moment?

super mario world

Dammit, Mario! You’re doing the opposite of painting! No wonder the City of Valaparaiso has to constantly restore it!

Wait. That was from earlier. Where is Mario, and Luigi for that matter now?

mario luigi

michael louie intro

Ah! There we go!

– Mario & Luigi, er, Michael & Louie make it to the Roadblock. Louie is doing it. Adrian coaches himself to keep his eyes up. Shawne has finished the task.

santiago louie adrian

I estimate nearly thirty minutes has been lost as Louie proceeds to pass Adrian on the cables.

– With Monique & Shawne finishing the Roadblock in seventh, and two teams doing the Roadblock, there are only two teams en route to the Roadblock.

santiago jody shannon

An all-female team with a 71 year old is currently behind? Shocker.

Who is in dead last?

santiago jet cord mccoy 3

Nanna is kicking their butt.

ray deana soweto

Wait, what are you doing here Ray? Come back later.

– Jet describes Jody & Shannon as “The Green Team”. He can’t even acknowledge that he is losing to someone who gets their meals twenty percent off at local restaurants.

– Steve & Allie and the Wangs carry the supplies. Jordan says Jeff is like a coach with his motivation. She is carrying a lot, I must admit.

santiago jordan lloyd

Yep, that entire one can of paint.

– Jeff & Jordan find their house. Jordan cheers like a six year old helping daddy paint.

santiago jeff jordan 3

And their shirts match the paint! Yay!

– Brandy & Carol are sixth to the clue box.

BRANDY: We’re looking for Martha Stewart’s Teafoam Green from the 1997 collection.

santiago carol brandy 2

Yes, Carol. Before jail. What’s funny now is that most people in 2014 even forget that Martha Stewart ever went to jail. The jokes about decorating her cell are essentially ignored now.

– Jeff & Jordan are done. They read that they must walk on foot to the Palacio Baburizza. It’s the pit stop for this leg of the race. Jeff & Jordan ask a taxi for directions before running.

– Brent & Caite are done. Somebody is about to earn another undeserved trip.

– Louie and Adrian lament over the cables not being designed for heavy dudes. We hear Adrian panting that he needs to balance.

DANA: Freakin’ A.

santiago dana davis

This is the part where she regrets not doing it.

santiago louie adrian

Luckily Adrian is roughly sixty to seventy percent of the way there.

– Jody & Shannon and Jet & Cord are now at the Roadblock. This would be a prime opportunity for Jody to do it. Sadly Shannon does it instead. Cord is the last one to volunteer for the task.

Although I don’t know how Cord is feeling after ramming his head into the trunk.

santiago cord mccoy 2

The cowboy hat either protected his head or prevented him from seeing the trunk.

– JODY: I have the balance of a drunken elderly person on stilts. We start losing our sense of balance at age forty, and I’m seventy-one. So I can barely stand on one foot.

santiago jody kelly

Jody clearly has yet to meet my sister. She’s like a drunken elderly person on stilts using only one foot.

santiago adrian davis 4

Adrian decides to stop and do bench presses with the cables. That’s no way to run the race!

– Dana claims she is proud of Adrian because he is afraid of heights and is a big guy on the course.

santiago dana davis 2

Translation: She should have done this one!

– Adrian wants his dog to stay balanced. Louie comments on the beautiful scenery. We cut back to Adrian Davis.

santiago adrian davis 5

santiago adrian davis 6

rafe judkins

What a jerk! Now he’s just trying to do his best Rafe Judkins impression!

– Okay, maybe it is not a Rafe impression.

DANA: Freakin’ F.

Uh oh. She has upgraded from “Freakin A” to “Freakin F”.

MICHAEL: Oh! Oh, man.

DANA: This isn’t good. Aw, crap.

Aw crap, indeed.

– Commercial. We resume for the final segment of the round.

– Brandy was lucky enough to be hanging onto the wire to pull herself back up. You may recall Dan falling earlier but decided to drag himself along it from an upside-down position.

– A safety specialist comes over to Adrian. This is not looking good.

santiago adrian davis 7

Mainly because his name is in a deep red font.

santiago adrian davis 8

Yes, Adrian is still determined to do this.

santiago adrian davis 9

This is Adrian’s last shot to avoid a huge setback. Remember, if he cannot get up, he will go back to the start of the task. He will be in a showdown against Shannon and Cord who are both very fresh.

santiago adrian davis 10

Yeah, it’s not happening.

ADRIAN: Oh yeah, it’s impossible. Let’s go back.

Dana drops another “Freakin A”.

– Michael & Louie both cheer on Adrian. Dana states that Adrian has another chance to complete the Roadblock.

santiago adrian davis 11

Nope. A Chilean manicure is on the line.

– The Cowboys’ theme plays as Cord and Shannon interact.

santiago cord mccoy 3

How ya doin’ ma’am? Did you know Adrian is the first Black man I’ve ever saws?

– Cord makes another reference to bull riding as he says he has never been that high. We cut to the pit stop.

santiago pit stop greeters

Now featuring the Latino Men With Russell’s Hats. You can salsa if you want to. . .if you’re not bitter then you’re no friend of mine. . .

santiago pit stop greeter

Hola, Amigo! Have you caught an episode of the new series Undercover Boss? It’s twice as bad as Three Rivers, senor!

– FIRST PLACE: JEFF & JORDAN

They win a trip to Vancouver, BC, Canada. My birthplace. This is relevant at the time because the Vancouver Olympics aired simultaneously with this season on TV.

santiago jeff jordan 4

They dance they dance. . .around the Chilean hats. . .

– Jeff is blown away. Jordan says God has been with her by not letting her mess up.

– SECOND PLACE: BRENT & CAITE

santiago brent caite 2

With one of the most exaggerated kisses I have ever seen.

– Phil adds in a penalty for them. They ran to their clue box rather than taking a funicular.

santiago brent caite 3

And also because Brent nearly bodychecked the lady with the cane. No, it’s not Jody.

– Their penalty will be thirty minutes. The green bench adjacent to Phil is their temporary home.

santiago brent caite 4

caite miss usa

“Twenty percent of contestants on The Amazing Race cannot read their clue. Why do you think this is?”

MONIQUE: I was like bearing the cross. If Jesus can do this then I can do this. I can be like Jesus.

santiago monique shawne 2

I don’t quite see the resemblance. However, I do think it is very similar to Taj having the puzzle piece around her neck in Survivor: Tocantins.

– We cut to Dan & Jordan. Dan dropped a brush.

santiago jordan pious 3

Not impressed.

Apparently Dan & Jordan have claimed the colours yellow and blue.

micro machines jethro

Jethro wants his royalties, dammit.

– JORDAN: But first we need to spend time looking for it, Daniel.

Wow. Jordan just launched into nagging parent mode.

– Steve & Allie enter a house to paint.

santiago steve allie smith

Yes, they are -inside- the house. It just so happens the colour of the unfinished room matches their cans of red paint. Two men enter. Steve asks if they work here. They say yes.

santiago allie smith

That’s good enough for Allie!

santiago allie smith 2

Those two men are not intervening because to them there is nothing better than cheap American labour. They may as well take off at this point.

– Monique & Shawne find the green house. It seems like it takes ten seconds before they receive their clue.

– Back to the Roadblock. Jet comments that there is a racer who is refusing to come across.

santiago adrian davis 12

Oh yes. Jet just taunted Adrian from across the ravine. Adrian wants a cowboy beatdown, and wants to make sure his urine will be only one colour, and it will definitely not be yellow.

santiago jet mccoy

There’s only one attitude Jet has, and it’s to always be a douche.

– Dana does not know what Adrian will do. Cord finishes the Roadblock in ninth. There are only twenty-one minutes left on Brent & Caite’s penalty.

SECOND PLACE: MONIQUE & SHAWNE

santiago monique shawne 3

God didn’t want them in Vancouver.

santiago brent caite 5

Not impressed with God right now.

– Michael & Louie pick up their paints and start walking up the hill. Dan & Jordan officially cannot find one of their paintbrushes. They assume it will be a penalty. Jet & Cord have the painting task.

– Shannon completes the Roadblock in tenth. Meanwhile Dana screams at Adrian to make a second attempt.

santiago adrian davis 13

Adrian thinks about it.

santiago dana davis 3

“C’mon? For me?”

santiago adrian davis 14

The audience gets trolled as the instructor morphs into a twenty-five year old version of himself. Adrian thinks about it some more. Will he do it?

santiago adrian davis 15

He tries again. After all, how fast can a 71 year old woman move up a hill?

– Allie commends Steve for his decision to enter the house. They finish their paint job.

santiago steve allie smith 2

santiago steve allie smith 3

That’s right. He just watched two Americans do his paint job for him out of his own amusement. I bet the man has no intent of maintaining their paint job either. He just wanted to have some comedic relief from American tourists. The results could not be better for him.

santiago steve allie smith 4

“You have clue? You give? Non? . . .Dad? ”

And you know it was filmed in 2009 when a Chilean local is wearing a Sudoku shirt. This guy is really bright.

STEVE: I went from a genius to “you kidding me, Dad?”

santiago steve allie smith 5

Loser. You Philadelphia Phillie’d that one up, dad.

– Out to the streets they go. Michael thinks they have to cover up the graffiti with the paint. Louie disagrees because it is a different shade of blue.

santiago louie stravato

Just a couple shades too light.

– Dan & Jordan find their house with using only one paintbrush. Carol & Brandy are stunned to see Jet & Cord pass them and be done.

THIRD PLACE: JET & CORD

From last to third since the Roadblock until the leg finished an hour later.

FOURTH PLACE: DAN & JORDAN. . .

However, they lost a paintbrush and must wait thirty minutes. Scooch over, Brent & Caite.

– The round goes into hyper speed as we do not see Heidi & Joe nor Steve & Allie find their houses.

FOURTH PLACE: STEVE & ALLIE

FIFTH PLACE: JOE & HEIDI

santiago finish

Painted the wrong house but still finished fourth? What is happening this round?

– Michael & Louie are done painting the sky blue house in ninth. I guess Carol & Brandy finished the task at some point.

SIXTH PLACE: CAROL & BRANDY

santiago adrian davis 16

Production gave him pink gloves on the second attempt. Will he ever finish?
– Brent & Caite’s penalty is over.

SEVENTH PLACE: BRENT & CAITE

CAITE: So far I feel like I’ve done a great job of proving myself. Technically we really are second.

santiago brent caite 6

No! That’s not it at all! Technically you are seventh! If it weren’t for the technicality, you would be second.

Caite went from being the person unable to speak into the person being unable to read. Things are not looking good.

– Oh, we cut back across town to Adrian. How is he doing?

santiago adrian davis 17

Stay strong, Adrian!

EIGHTH PLACE: DAN & JORDAN

– Phil asks if they are feeling alright. Jordan has nothing to offer except it is a new day.

– Dana knows her husband and high school sweetheart is hurting.

santiago adrian davis 18

It can’t hurt that bad if he is still doing bench presses.

– Louie & Michael, who insist they will win every round, hit the mat.

NINTH PLACE: LOUIE & MICHAEL

santiago louie michael

Only one round and it is already impossible for them to improve upon Marc & Rovilson’s record.

I am not kidding. If Louie & Michael win the next eleven legs in a row, their average would be 1.53.

Marc & Rovilson’s average is 1.46. Michael & Louie’s chase to be the greatest team ever is over after one round.

PHIL: You gonna let those young racers beat you?

santiago phil keoghan

Are you going to shut the f— up after two teams checked in before you despite having a thirty minute penalty?

– It’s down to two teams. Dana watches Adrian get 67% of the way through the task.

santiago adrian davis 19

santiago dana davis 4

It’s like the sequel to a horror movie. And just like in the original, the Black guy will not survive the challenge. Take two, folks.

santiago adrian davis 20

Tremble.

santiago adrian davis 21

Crouch.

santiago adrian davis 22

Fall.

game over

santiago adrian davis 23

– Dana is proud of him for trying his best. Oh, you superfans.

– Isn’t there still another team?

TENTH PLACE: JODY & SHANNON

santiago jody shannon 2

And here she thought only a swimming task could keep them in the race over Dana & Adrian.

croatia nic don finish

brenchel

beijing jaime cara 6

Team Green represent!

– Shannon is allowed to talk as Phil asks if her grandma can continue on in the race. She says she has seen her grandma do half marathons.

– So Dana & Adrian are forced to hang out at the Roadblock.

santiago dana adrian davis 3

“We somehow completed fewer tasks than Bilal & Sa’eed did on The Amazing Race.

santiago phil keoghan 2

Phil found a lemon tree!!!

– He approaches Dana & Adrian. The couple are praying for a non-elimination.

santiago phil keoghan 3

“Dana & Adrian. . .you somehow managed to match Eric & Lisa’s performance from last season.”

mike borassi

james

During TAR 15-16’s cycle, big dudes just had a tough time with during that year.

– DANA: He is an Iron Man.

santiago adrian davis 24

I am not sure Adrian agrees with that after today.

– Perhaps the most irrelevant team in TAR history talks about the strength of their relationship, and will be together.

Next Time on TAR: New alliances leave some teams in the cold. Yep, that’s the whole preview.

CONFESSIONAL COUNT

BRENT.CAITE 1.4
CAROL.BRANDY 2.5
DANA.ADRIAN 8.4
JET.CORD 6.5
JODY.SHANNON 3.1
JOE.HEIDI 2.2
DAN.JORDAN 1.2
JEFF.JORDAN 6.6
MICHAEL.LOUIE 1.1
MONIQUE.SHAWNE 4.1
STEVE.ALLIE 4.1
Team Averages

Below is a list of all teams from seasons I have blogged to date, ranked by racing average.

e.g. Don & Mary Jean finished 9th, 8th, 8th, 8th, and 8th. Add up the numbers and divide it by the number of legs they have played.

Therefore their average is 8.2.

Bulls— Round One/Starting Line Eliminations
Eric & Lisa N/A
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A

— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0 TAR 4
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0 TAR 3
11th Adrian & Dana 11.0 TAR 16
11th Preston & Jennifer 11.0 TAR 14
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0 TAR 13
11th Ari & Staella 11.0 TAR 12
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0 TAR 11
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0 TAR 10
11th John & Scott 11.0 TAR 9
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0 TAR 7
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0 TAR 6
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0 TAR 5
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0 TAR 2
11th Matt & Ana 11.0 TAR 1
10th Edwin & Monica 10.0 Only team to finish last for the first two rounds of the race TAR Asia 3
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0 TAR 9
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0 TAR 11
10th Neena & Amit 10.0 TAR Asia 3
10th A Black Family 10.0 TAR 8
— F +–
10th Steve & Linda 9.4 TAR 14
10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????) TAR 13
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.) TAR 7
11th Garrett & Jessica 9.5 TAR 15
10th Kate & Pat 9.0 TAR 12
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0 TAR 11
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0 May or may not be gutsy. TAR 2
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0 TAR 6
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF TAR 3
9th Marianna & Julia 8.33 TAR 12
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33 TAR 4
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2 Saved by NEL once TAR 6
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0 TAR 10
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0 TAR 1
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8 Yielded TAR 9
8th Marisa & Brooke 7.75 Sucked. TAR 13
7th Mika & Canaan 7.67 Why the heck did they sign up? TAR 15
9th Marcy & Ron 7.67 Bald. TAR 15
9th Isaac & William 7.5 TAR Asia 3
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33 TAR 5
8th Aiello Family 7.0 TAR 8
8th Singaporean Sophie & French Born Aurelia 7.0 (French Born Aurelia sadly does not know the English words for ‘team averages’. :/) TAR Asia 2
–D minus–
8th Tom & Terry 7.0 TAR 10
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0 R.I.P. Margaretta TAR 1
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0 Producers refused to hay bail them. TAR 6
10th Hope & Norm 7.0 TAR 2
7th Christie & Jodi 6.67 Saved by NEL–Became the Devil of Casting Later TAR 14
9th Brad & Victoria 6.67 TAR 14
7th Niroo & Kapil 6.75 TAR Asia 3
6th Maria & Tiffany 6.57 Saved by NEL once and Justin’s blunder again TAR 15
9th Rogers Family 6.5 R.I.P. Renee. TAR 8
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5 TAR 7
6th Henry & Terri 6.44 Used Their Yield; saved by a non-elimination round THREE times. R.I.P. Henry. TAR Asia 2
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43 Saved by NEL once TAR 1
9th Brett & Kinar 6.33 Rocky finish. TAR Asia 2
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 6.33 TAR Asia 1
8th Pailin & Natalie 6.33 TAR Asia 3
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25 TAR 9
7th Aja & Cabbie 6.2 TAR 13
7th Paul & Amie 6.2 TAR 1
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF TAR 4
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF Saved by NEL once TAR 10
–D+–
8th Lance & Keri 6.0 TAR 15
9th Zev & Justin 6.0 Passport lost. TAR 15
10th Ernie & Jeena 6.0 TAR Asia 1
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0 TAR 4
6th Andre & Damon 5.86 TAR 3
7th Daichi & Sawaka 5.83 TAR Asia 2
7th Dave & Lori 5.83 Saved by NEL once TAR 9
5th Kami & Karli 5.8 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8 TAR 3
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8 TAR 2
7th Shana & Jennifer 5.8 Used U-Turn TAR 12
9th Heather & Eve 5.75 Legal team beaten by rule book. TAR 3
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67 R.I.P. Nancy. Saved by NEL once. TAR 1
6th Gaghan Family 5.5 TAR 8
10th Alison & Donny 5.5 TAR 5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF TAR 4
8th Sahil & Prashant 5.4 FF. Beaten by a bunch of rules. TAR Asia 1
–C minus–
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36 Saved by NEL twice TAR 7
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF TAR 4
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33 TAR 5
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33 TAR 7
7th Gus & Hera 5.29 TAR 6
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25 Saved by NEL once TAR 11
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25 TAR 5
8th Lorena & Jason 5.25 U-Turned TAR 12
5th Mark & Michael 5.22 Saved by NEL once but came up just short TAR 14
3rd Andrew & Dan 5.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 13
7th Silver & Gold/ Wil & Grace 5.17 TAR 3
6th Kelly & Christy 5.14 TAR 13
7th Ray & Deana 5.0 FF TAR 7
7th Melody & Sharon 5.0. Screwed over by weird penalty for another team. TAR Asia 1
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 FF TAR 4
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 FF TAR 1
9th Mark & Bill 5.0 Wah. TAR 13
5th Fran & Barry 4.89 TAR 9
6th Howard & Sahran 4.88 TAR Asia 1
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85 – Yielded TAR 10
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF and saved by NEL once TAR 3
6th Mai & Oliver 4.8 In a car TAR Asia 3
7th Teri & Ian All Stars 4.83 TAR 11
7th Schroeder Family 4.75 TAR 8
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71 – Used Yield TAR 9
6th Brian & Greg 4.71 TAR 7
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70 TAR 10
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF and Used Yield and Yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 6
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67 TAR 10
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 6
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF TAR 3
8th Kris & Jo–er, Amanda 4.50 U-Turned TAR 14
5th Paula & Natasha 4.45 saved by NEL once TAR Asia 2
5th Uchenna & Joyce All Stars 4.33 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 11
4th Kisha & Jen 4.27 Saved by NEL once, U-Turned once TAR 14
3rd Brian & Ericka 4.25 saved by NEL once TAR 15
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF TAR 2
–B minus–
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23 saved by NEL once TAR 9
5th Gary & Matt 4.22 saved by NEL once and c—blocked once in Saunabuss TAR 15
3rd Nicolas & Donald 4.18 FF and U-Turned TAR 12
4th Linda & Karen 4.17 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
3rd Charla & Mirna All Stars 4.15 TAR 11
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.) TAR 2
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF and Used Yield TAR 8
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11 TAR 7
5th Andy & Laura 4.00 – Yielded TAR Asia 1
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF, saved by NEL, grew goatees TAR 4
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 2
2nd Jaime & Cara 3.92 TAR 14
2nd Pamela & Vanessa 3.92 TAR Asia 2
4th A.D. & Fuzzie 3.90 – U-Turned and saved by NEL once TAR Asia 3
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF TAR 2
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85 Saved by NEL twice TAR 4
1st Zabrina & Joe Jer 3.77 saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
2nd Sandy & Francesca 3.77 – Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
4th Diane & Ann 3.75 – Yielded TAR Asia 2
4th Jon & Al 3.73 TAR 4
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71 TAR 5
–B+–
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF, saved by NEL once TAR 2
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF TAR 4
5th Kynt & Vyxsin 3.63 Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 12
1st Eric & Danielle All Stars 3.62 – Yielded Twice, saved by NEL once TAR 11
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF, saved by NEL once TAR Asia 1
6th Mel & Mike 3.57 TAR 14
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56 TAR 6
3rd Ida & Tania 3.54 Saved by NEL twice TAR Asia 3
4th Joseph & Monica 3.50 – Yielded TAR 9
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46 TAR Asia 1
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46 – Used Yield and Yielded TAR 6
2nd Ronald & Christina 3.45 TAR 12
4th Nathan & Jennifer 3.40 – Never finished in 1st TAR 12
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 2
1st Chip & Kim 3.38 – Used Yield TAR 5
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF TAR 1
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31 Saved by NEL once TAR 5
5th Terence & Sarah 3.25 TAR 13
1st TK & Rachel 3.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 12
4th Godlewski Family 3.18 Saved by NEL once TAR 8
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17 – Used Yield, saved by NEL once
–A minus–
2nd Sam & Dan 3.17 U-Turned Pointlessly TAR 15
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17 TAR 10
3rd Weaver Family 3.15 – Yielded Twice, saved by NEL twice TAR 8
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF TAR 4
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 7
4th Toni & Dallas 3.10 Still in Russia TAR 13
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF TAR 3
2nd Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 3.09 Used Yield and U-Turn TAR Asia 3
4th Herb & Nate a.k.a. Flight Time & Big Easy 3.09 TAR 15. Znarf!
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF TAR 10
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00 – Yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 7
6th Azaria & Hendekea 3.00 TAR 12
4th Hayden & Aaron Saved by NEL once 2.92 TAR 6
2nd Dustin & Kandice All Stars 2.92 – Used Yield TAR 10
2nd Bransen Family Saved by NEL once 2.85 TAR 8
1st Linz Family 2.77 – Used Yield TAR 8
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 1
–BEST OF THE BEST–
3rd Margie & Luke 2.75 Used U-Turn once TAR 14
5th Henry & Bernie/Bunn-Eh 2.75 – Yielded TAR Asia 3
8th Rob & Amber All Stars 2.75 – Used Yield, Choked TAR 11
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 3
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF TAR 3
4th Oswald & Danny All Stars 2.67 FF x2, Used Yield, saved by NEL once TAR 11
2nd Ken & Tina 2.64 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 13
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF, Yielded, and saved by NEL once TAR 5
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF TAR 2
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF TAR 1
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF, Used Yield, and saved by NEL twice TAR 9
1st Vince & Sam 2.45 FF TAR Asia 3
1st Nick & Starr 2.45 FF TAR 13
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF TAR 10
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF TAR 1
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38 TAR 6
1st Tammy & Victor 2.33 Used U-Turn Once TAR 14
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31 TAR 7
1st Adrian & Collin 2.23 FF TAR Asia 2
1st Meghan & Cheyne 2.00 FF TAR 15
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF TAR 9
lol 3rd Marc & Rovilson 1.46 Used Yield and Yielded TAR Asia 2

Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)

11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF, saved by NEL twice TAR 10 + 11
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF, saved by NEL once TAR 3 + 11
18 legs Danielle 4.78 yielded, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
19 legs Teri & Ian 4.63 FF TAR 3 + 11
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF TAR 1 + 11
20 legs Charla & Mirna 4.00 TAR 5 + 11
21 legs Joe & Bill 3.71 FF, saved by NEL thrice TAR 1 + 11
22 legs Uchenna & Joyce 3.64 FF x2, saved by NEL twice TAR 7 + 11
*31 legs Eric & Danielle 3.48 FF, yielded x3, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
23 legs Oswald & Danny 3.30 FF x3, used Yield, saved by NEL twice TAR 2 + 11
25 legs Dustin & Kandice 3.04 used Yield twice, saved by NEL once TAR 10 + 11
26 legs Eric 2.65 FF, yielded x2, saved by NEL once TAR 9 + 11
17 legs Rob & Amber 2.41 Used Yield TAR 7 + 11

* I determined Eric & Danielle’s average in this last section by adding up all of their individual points from TAR 9, then adding up their total points in All Stars and dividing it by 31.

Rank the Teams

1) Adrian & Dana
She, uh. . .should have done the Roadblock.
Rank the Legs

1) Los Angeles, California, USA -> Valparaiso, Chile

Compared to TAR 15’s premiere, this one is ten times better.

But compared to virtually any other premiere, this one is probably sub-par. One hour premieres with eleven teams are truly rushed.

Phil starts out the season with the dreaded “toughest season ever” tagline that we know all too well from TAR Asia 3. However, TAR Asia 3 nearly lived up to that tagline. TAR 16’s premiere? Not so much.

First off, teams were brought in on the same bus. Next? They had to get to LAX using public transit. Therefore, this was the cheapest ride to the airport in TAR history, and obviously meant that several teams would get to the airport simultaneously.

Another pointless twist was that only three teams would be on the first flight, and eight teams on the second flight. That makes zero sense because you are at much more of a disadvantage if eight teams are on the first flight, and only three teams on the second flight. If the first flight suffers any sort of delay, they will be at the biggest disadvantage of all.

And guess what? The first flight was delayed, and all eleven teams were forced to be on the second flight! This is the first time in TAR history that all teams left the United States on the same flight. I can’t get over that.

Thankfully the rest of the stupidity lies with the contestants. Jet & Cord exchanging money for a currency that has nothing to do with Chile, Adrian doing the Roadblock instead of Dana, Brent & Caite refusing to read, Jordan Lloyd beating everyone, Steve & Allie painting the inside of a stranger’s house, and Michael & Louie humiliating themselves.

There was an unaired route marker prior to arriving in Valparaiso. I guess a neat castle was too much for 42 minutes. Instead we needed to listen to Jeff Schroeder’s commentary and laugh at Adrian in the process.

Dana & Adrian were heavy favourites entering the season because not only were they superfans, but viewers thought they would be like Chip & Kim or Uchenna & Joyce. I know. That’s a disturbing way of thinking.

They led most of the way until Adrian decided to do the Roadblock. The first hurdle of the season and they were nowhere close to achieving it. I personally think Dana & Adrian were doomed to go early despite this blunder. Adrian and Dana both sounded fatigued even before the Roadblock. I think him or Dana would have experienced a serious injury within the first couple of legs. They would not have held up physically for twelve legs.

So far “toughest race ever” is proving to be “least expensive race ever” after the premiere.

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