The Amazing Race Asia 3 episode 2 ranking

Second episode

COUNTRIES VISITED

THAILAND – VIETNAM – TAIWAN – CHINA – INDIA – OMAN

WARNING: This episode has a running time of one hour and seven minutes. So much for reducing the episode order from thirteen down to eleven.

sweet brown

Ain’t nobody got time for blogging that.

But somebody does, and it is time for him to take it from the top. An episode with a running time of 67 minutes with nine teams? Why not do it in the premiere when we are getting to know the teams?

Previously on TAR: Ten teams set out from Bangkok, Thailand on a race around the “world” for 100, 000 US Dollars. They were immediately slowed down by a bowl of scorpions. Niroo & Kapil could not stomach the bugs but the Beauty Queens stayed strong.

Washing buses tested teams’ stamina as Mai left the hard work to Oliver. Finding a clue in a Buddhist cemetery left some teams in the dark. On the next day, those in the lead formed alliances.

At the Detour, teams that chose to drive a buggy got down and dirty while those who pounded rice struggled in the heat.

A game of paper-scissors-rock (or more commonly known as rock-paper-scissors) put Mai & Oliver in first place but the celebrations didn’t last long.

On the way to the pit stop, the two Indian teams suffered communication problems with their taxi driver.

thailand hose

vietnam kapil 2

“What in the actual f— are you doing?”

lol that hose.

– But Kapil & Niroo managed to edge out Neena & Amit who came in last.

– Nine teams still remain. Who will be eliminated next?

– Intro time.

– Allan introduces us to Chiang Mai.

thailand mai oliver intro 4

For the past 800 years, Oliver has been carrying the bags for this great city.

chris alex intro

“It’s not Chiang Mai. It’s Chaing May. Pronounce it the Bawston way. C’mon guys.”

– Mai & Oliver, who were the first to arrive at 10:35am, will depart at 10:35pm.

vietnam mai oliver

Ah, Mai is carrying her own bag. Let’s see how long this lasts.

– Mai reads that they must travel by taxi to get to the Flight of the Gibbon. It is a thrilling zipline canopy adventure through the rainforest. I thought rainforests only exist in Malaysia, but okay. Once they complete the journey, this time without having to memorize random numbers and add them up like in TAR Asia 2, they will receive their next clue.

paul jackson big brother canada

They didn’t say “zipline”, did they?

– Mai thinks the first place finish will give them confidence. Oliver says him and Mai will have to fight even more. It took me a second to realize they meant to fight harder to win rather than, you know, fight with each other. Mai and Oliver agree that an Hours of Operation sign will be posted which will allow them to take the journey slow.

– Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 depart second at 10:38pm.

arnold tia true lies

I cannot wait for the round in Austria when Tisha 31 gets to repeat her tango with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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Yeah, that was a True Lies joke.

– Geoff 26 says his track record is poor when it comes to getting Tisha 31 to trust him more. He says he needs to get the race jitters out. Apparently being hours ahead of other teams is disappointing for him.

vietnam geoff tisha

Although it sounds like Tisha 31 could not care less about what her partner is saying right now.

– Henry & Bernie begin in third at 10:45pm.

HENRY: I am the older brother. I do not have to listen to her.
BERNIE: I am not your baby sister. I am your teammate.

vietnam henry bernie

If Bernie is visualizing punching her older brother in the face, she is certainly not failing at it.

– Mai & Oliver find a lady who invited them into her house. They will sleep there until the morning. Crashing at someone’s house until the route marker opens up in the morning? I cannot recall a time where that has ever happened.

vietnam mai oliver 2
waynes world

They do their best Wayne’s World pose.

vietnam mai oliver 3

Perhaps Oliver’s outburst from last round stemmed from the fact that he has gone 24 hours without a cigarette until now. Nicotine is powerful.

– Pailin & Natalie depart fourth at 12:18am. They talk about relying on themselves and their teammates.

– Ida & Tania depart fifth at 12:34am. Ida has learned that Tania will grin and bear anything. They talk about ohgogogoness. They have the most child-like clapping when a guy successfully calls a cab for them.

– Isaac & William start in sixth at 12:41am. Isaac says being first out is embarrassing for their friends, family, and their country.

vietnam isaac william

You would think William is miming the embarrassment that Neena & Amit are feeling right now. Does that dude ever smile?

– Natalie informs Geoff 26, Tisha 31, and Isaac & William that she is calling for three taxis.

vietnam gather

Where the heck are they all gathered? It is a congregation at a group of picnic tables. Is everyone settling to play some card games before the canopy tour opens up? It is not like they departed that close together. Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 started this round over two hours ago.

– Vince & Sam commence in seventh.  Vince talks about the game face they are putting on which is their strategy of being the bubbling fun guys. They borrow a guard’s cell phone.

– Ah! A.D. & Fuzzie start in eighth at 1:20am.

A.D.: It’s so easy to say ‘screw this. I did not sign up for this’.
FUZZIE: There is nobody else I could do this stuff with.

Uh, how about Eric Sanchez? I hear he races pretty well with people he does not know.
– In TAR 24 round 3, the all-male teams all finished in the top three. Here they start out a round in the bottom three as Niroo & Kapil bring up the East Indian rear at 1:29am. Kapil says that being strong in the mind during the race means half of your battle is won. Now comes the tough part where you actually have to win.

vietnam kapil

Kapil mimes what the reaction is for most sons who discover they are stuck with their dad racing around the world for a month.

– Niroo’s accent is tough to grasp. He talks about being strong physically, and lectures us about the wonders of his low-cut Italian muscle shirts.

vietnam niroo

Seriously? Where is his body hair? Maybe he shaves off his body hair to ensure he does not trigger Kapil’s poor gag reflexes.

– The taxis show up to transport the teams. So there is indeed an Hours of Operation. I am sure all nine teams can do the canopy tour simultaneously, right?

vietnam vince sam

Ohhhhhh, so that’s why they make teams pull numbers periodically throughout each season. Didn’t see that coming.

So seventh has now jumped to first.

vietnam fuzzie

Eighth is now second.

vietnam niroo kapil

And now ninth is fourth place.

brenchel

“It -is- Opposite Day!”

– Henry & Bernie are fifth. Pailin insists they have to take numbers while Natalie believes there is no hurry. Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 are sixth. Isaac & William are seventh. Pailin has learned to not be too nice as they grab the ticket in eighth. So who grabs the last sticker?

vietnam mai oliver 4

nelson muntz

romania kisha jen

HA HA!

– Sunrise. They begin Flighting the Gibbon. Sam is first and SMASHES the employee receiving him on the other side. That was not a soft hit at all.

vietnam hit

That’s gonna leave a bruise. His day is going to get easier, right?

vietnam hit 2

sandra 2

And when I saw him coming down that zipline I was like ‘oh s—‘.

– Montage of every team swinging through the canopy. Fuzzie finds it liberating. A.D. talks like Rick Sanchez getting tasered.

– Vince & Sam read they must take a taxi to the banana plantation to receive their next clue.

– More canopy travels. Ida is loving it.

vietnam ida tania

The Michael Snow expression of appreciation.

– We get some bizarre camera angles as teams travel. Vince & Sam discuss a strategy to find a taxi. Do you walk to find one or do you stay put and wait for one to come to you?

– NIROO: Here I come Mother Nature! Here I come Mother Nature!

Now picture that in his East Indian accent.

HENRY: You were born a monkey!

. . .Yes?

vietnam henry

alex linz 8

Henry does his best job of matching Alex Linz in the Creepy Staredown into the Camera competition.

– Niroo & Kapil are done. So is Henry & Bernie. More canopy touring.

– Vince & Sam and the other teams done so far have a taxi. Ida yells some nonsense at the taxi driver about the other racers not being her friends just for today while Tania picks her teeth.

vietnam ida tania 2

Two days later and she still cannot get all of that scorpion removed from her teeth.

vietnam tisha

That camera makes Tisha 31 look like a freakin’ crane.

– Isaac & William and Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 are done. Pailin & Natalie have an interesting collision.

vietnam pailin natalie

One of the physically tougher things to do in life.

– Oliver pretends to do some karate kicks and mugs for the camera as he flies in last place.

vietnam oliver

The original duck lips.

– The two last place teams finish the task. I imagine it is roughly twenty minutes from first to last. All nine teams successfully have a taxi. Everyone comments on the insane line of taxis. Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 claim they have the same taxi from last night. Vince & Sam are annoyed as multiple taxis pass them. It is a complete road race. Mai says they have moved up to fourth. Oliver is annoyed that she is not worried about being last.

OLIVER: Why are you not stressed out? You wanna be last.
MAI: Because my dad taught me–
OLIVER: Because your life is good because your life is good so you don’t worry about anything?

vietnam mai oliver 5

I guess being Mai’s friend only pays 10.25 per hour.
– Ida & Tania’s driver led the pack and it took them eighty percent of the way. Then it asked for directions. It is chaos on the road.

vietnam taxi

This is what TAR 24 must look like every episode.

– Cursing comes out of Vince & Sam’s mouths. Pailin & Natalie are scared when they do not see any race flags.

– Commercial.

– Pailin & Natalie are upset that their taxi driver does not know where he is going, and are already proclaiming that they always have a bad taxi.

– Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 are first to the route marker. It is a Roadblock.

vietnam allan wu

You know he wants to remove that wife beater.

mr pectacular

I bet Allan was really pissed off that he could not appear in every season of Big Brother as Mr. Wutacular.

– In this Roadblock, one team member must find a backpack that holds their next clue.

But remember how this is the toughest season ever? Well, that is proven in full force for this task.

– To retrieve the backpack, they must avoid getting pelted by paintball snipers. If they are hit, they must go back to the starting line and begin again. The paintballs travel at 329 kilometres per hour, so teams must be agile and alert.

vietnam roadblock

This sniper is hidden well.

vietnam roadblock 2

Uhhhhh, this one not so much.

– For some reason, Allan explains this task in a hushed voice as if he is protecting himself from the paintball snipers as well.

– Geoff 26 is doing the task because. . .

GEOFF 26: I’m not letting my girl being shot at by. . .guys.

Am I the only one who missed out on the clue indicating that all of the snipers would be men?

vietnam roadblock 3

A creepy eye that swivels is ready to fire shots at you that will make you restart the game?

laser eyes

I knew I recognized him from somewhere.

– Geoff 26 moans loudly each time he gets hit. Rather amusing, really. Oliver volunteers Mai as tribute. Henry does the same for Bernie.

GEOFF 26: I got nailed time and time again.

HENRY: Run like you are Jaime Sommers!

guilin margie 5

Wait, was Henry the one who planted the idea of casting the Bionic Woman for TAR 14?

– Kapil volunteers himself. He knows he is “steady under fire”. Niroo claims Kapil is a ninja. Mai cries after she gets hit.

– Vince & Sam have pulled over to communicate with the driver. Vince keeps repeating the word ‘banana’ as he does a bunch of random signing.

vietnam vince sam 2

Banana. . .banana. . .banana. . .why do you still look confused?

– Fuzzie decides he is steady under fire. Tania is doing the task. Bernie gets hit hard and she begins to cry. No one has been able to spot the backpack/rucksack yet. We go to a Henry & Bernie confessional as Henry randomly starts tearing off Bernie’s clothes.

vietnam henry bernie injury

What are you doing Henry?!

vietnam bernie injury 2

Oh, showing off her injury. That makes sense.

– Fuzzie gets hit in .2 seconds. Tania is crawling on the ground. She has the clue.

vietnam tania

Stay low. Always stay low.

lil jon get low

– Geoff 26 finds it demoralizing as Ida & Tania are suddenly in first. Tania is thankful for being lucky as she opens up the clue. If they stay local, her and Ida will have a big lead.

vietnam travel

Nope. Instead we are off to Ho Chi Minh City for the first time since TAR 3.

ALLAN: Ho Chi Minh City, commonly referred to as Saigon, has a population of 17 million people and almost as many motorcycles.

vietnam motorcycle

If you look close enough, Tom & Terry have illegally hired one to take them to the pit stop.

– Once in Ho Chi Minh City, they must hire a TAXI to the Saigon Opera House and look for a clue box with the new yellow and white flag.

vietnam flag

vietnam flag 2

Which is not to be confused with Vietnam’s red and yellow national flag.

– Ida plants a large kiss on Tania’s cheek. Like she holds -nothing- back. They both sound really sweaty too.

vietnam ida tania 3

same love

In 2008, Ida & Tania’s enthusiastic kiss was an outrage. Luckily Macklemore changed the whole world’s outlook in 2013. You’re welcome, Ida & Tania.

– William, I believe the one who wore the Reds jersey, volunteers himself to be under fire. I am sure he is used to that in South Korea given his clothing. Mai complains she cannot breathe. So who comes back in second?

vietnam ad fuzzie

How the f— did Fuzzie outrun the snipers better than everyone else?

– Pailin & Natalie and Vince & Sam show up in the last two spots. Sam says he has real training in avoiding snipers.

– Mai comes back with the clue. Oliver cheers loudly and does some over-the-top expressions. He is trying his best to come out of Mai’s shadow, but he is just looking like a jacka– in the process.

brent caite

Sounds like somebody needs to learn a lesson from Brent.

vietnam oliver 2

OLIVER: GOOD JOB MUH GURRRRRL! CHECK THIS OUT!

Oh, that lesson is not coming anytime soon.

– Tisha 31 gives Geoff 26 a pep talk about not getting demoralized. Oliver reads the clue really slow.

MAI: It’s definitely China because Ho Chi Minh is like that guy. . .kind of like that no offense.

vietnam mai oliver 6

Kind of like. . .a beard under his chin? I don’t follow whatever you were trying to say, Mai.

– William gets hit. Pailin says she is bleeding. Bernie now has the clue. Where does she stuff it?

caroline

Caroline agrees that stuffing a clue into your breasts is the ideal place.

– Sam is pelted with a paintball. Henry & Bernie have the clue. We see Pailin & William running together.

vietnam william pailin

Wait a minute. Are TAR Asia’s editors trying to be, oh, what’s the word. . .helpful to the viewers?

– NATALIE: I will take the bullet next time.
PAILIN: Literally.
(Both laugh.)

A paintball is not a bullet.

– How prone is William to exaggerations?

vietnam william

What counting system is he using that 2, 500 jumps on a jump rope does not prepare you cardio wise for a short run or a crawl along the jungle floor? I would get a doctor to look into that if William is telling the truth.

– Geoff 26 retrieves the clue in seventh place. Ida & Tania are at the airport and thank their driver excessively.

– They are told there is a 2:40pm flight to Bangkok. Both of them do a ton of dancing. Ida starts out by tapping her feet a bunch of times while spinning in a circle. It is like the Richard Hatch individual immunity win dance.

vietnam ida dance

vietnam ida dance 2

Look at the vertical on that!

– Next we see them run into the gift shop before going on the flight.

vietnam ida dance 3

Well that is a great example of wishful thinking. They are just teasing themselves with all of those goods in the shop.

standard chartered

This moment of hilarity was brought to you by Standard Chartered!

– Allan recaps that Ida & Tania are alone on the 1, 500 kilometre 2:40pm flight to Ho Chi Minh City.

vietnam flight

Look at that! A 120 degree angle. It is such an obtuse path.

– How is Sam doing at the Roadblock? Well, he gets hit with a headshot and goes down. The paintball is too hard to see. Kapil finally has the clue as him and Niroo leave in eighth. Sam is now done as him and Vince are once again in last place.

– Mai & Oliver, A.D. & Fuzzie, and Isaac & William are all at the airport. So are Henry & Bernie and Pailin & Natalie.

MAI: Where’s Ho Chi Minh? China, right?
ISAAC: No, Ho Chi Minh is in Vietnam.
(MAI laughs.)
OLIVER: It’s Mao Tse Tung who was in China. Not Ho Chi Minh.

Yes, Oliver. We know. Way to ruin the fun.

vietnam isaac

I love how Isaac presented the information with such a straight face. He was one hundred percent serious and was not even trying to make fun of Mai.

– Henry & Bernie book tickets to Ho Chi Minh City via Siem Reap. Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 are on it too. Apparently there is only one flight per day to Ho Chi Minh City via Bangkok. The Siem Reap flight gets into Vietnam at 10:00pm. The Bangkok flight does not leave until the following morning and gets in at 9:00am.

FLIGHT #2 (via Siem Reap)

HENRY & BERNIE
GEOFF 26 & TISHA 31
A.D. & FUZZIE
NIROO & KAPIL
VINCE & SAM

FLIGHT #3 (via Bangkok)

PAILIN & NATALIE
ISAAC & WILLIAM
MAI & OLIVER

– The third flight gets into Bangkok. Mai & Oliver decide to spend money on a hotel for the night. That also means they had to hire a taxi to get to the hotel.

– Isaac & William choose to find a youth hostel in the centre of the city. Pailin convinces Natalie that they will save money and sleep at the airport. Natalie’s reaction?

vietnam natalie

Uhhhh, can I go back to Miss Universe now?

NATALIE: This is the worst thing that I could imagine happening to me on the race.

thailand kapil asrani

Kapil disagrees.

– Pailin & Natalie discover they barely missed a connection to Ho Chi Minh City.

– It is night time. Ida & Tania are in Ho Chi Minh City and hire a cab.

vietnam ida tania 4

I think that time Tania caught some of Ida’s lip on that one.

– They are at the Saigon Opera House and read they must head to the Saigon Pho Cafe where they must play one level of a Nokia Game called System Rush.
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Hold up. They have to play a level of a mobile game?

ALLAN: System Rush is a futuristic racing game set in a 3D world of virtual race tracks. Once each player has completed three laps around the racetrack in the given time, they will receive their next clue.

system rush 3

system rush

system rush 2

system rush 4

Wow. That game looks terrible. Look how close your thumbs have to be together just to reach the buttons. Not to mention that the screen you are playing on is about three by three inches.

FRIEND: You were on The Amazing Race?! Where did you travel to?
TANIA: Oh, we went to Vietnam.
FRIEND: Awesome! What did you do?
TANIA: Well, the first night we went to an Internet cafe where we played a mobile racing game called System Rush on a phone.
FRIEND: What else did you do that night?
TANIA: We went to an opera house too.
FRIEND: How was that?
TANIA: Eh, we didn’t stay for long.

That’s right. Teams will spend more time playing a crappy mobile phone game from 2008 rather than touring a famous opera house.

– So I did some research on System Rush, and boy oh boy, there is an elaborate story to such a dull racing game.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/System_Rush

White hats versus Black Hats? Geez, no wonder why this episode was a 90 minute special. You would have to let the viewers sit there for five minutes trying to grasp the concept of the story for System Rush.

I should note the racers are clearly playing the remake called System Rush: Evolution.

http://ca.ign.com/articles/2005/11/22/system-rush

And there you go. Information about one of the most random mobile games that could be featured in The Amazing Race franchise. I still can’t get over it. This is a ten year old mobile game that hasn’t been playable for nearly seven years. The game just features some boosts and a finish line. It is the lazy man’s F-Zero, but because there was such a small library for mobile games at the time, this was probably Nokia’s best game.

– Natalie wipes her nose and cries. Pailin wonders why Natalie has such issues with lying in an airport.

NATALIE: I wanted my teammate to be there for me in my darkest hour.
PAILIN: I don’t understand how somebody can die from sleeping in an airport for one night.

Well when you put it that way. . .

vietnam natalie 2

vietnam natalie 3

Eating scorpions is one thing, but sleeping in an airport is another.

vietnam pailin

Pailin is a champ for sleeping on a row of hard chairs.

– Ida & Tania show up to play some System Rush. It is being projected onto a big screen. Tania finishes it first. Ida finishes it next as they dance and celebrate.

vietnam ida tania 5

The Amazing Race Asia–exposing two middle-aged women to video games since 2008.

vietnam ida tania 6

Next stop: MLG!

vietnam ida tania 7

kate pat kiss

Even Pat & Kate think this is getting a bit much.

– They read tht they must head to the Ben Thanh Market. It is one of Ho Chi Minh City’s most famous landmarks. A flower stall is where people will find their next clue.

– The second flight lands. Henry & Bernie, Niroo & Kapil, and A.D. & Fuzzie all have taxis. Kapil tells the driver to move faster. Ida & Tania show up at the flower stall and discover it is not open until seven o’ clock in the morning. They go to find a hotel.

– It seems like every team from the second flight has found the Opera House. Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 are second. Henry & Bernie third. Vince & Sam fourth/not last. Niroo & Kapil fifth because their  taxis always suck. A.D. & Fuzzie tell the driver to drive them to a hotel to ask reception for directions.

vietnam driver

“I wish I would have learned English. . .”

– TISHA 31: Don’t you love it that your girlfriend plays video games?
GEOFF: Henry. . .he’s forty years old. He was around when Atari was the best thing. It’s on, man. It’s on.

caroline jennifer

donkey kong

Like Donkey Kong?

– Henry & Bernie and Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 are playing the video game. Geoff 26 brags loudly when he finishes. That’s right. He is bragging about doing equally well to a forty year old woman at a video game. He starts dancing too.

HENRY: He thinks he is just too cool. Tisha 31 is a lovely girl and is being pushed to her breaking point.

Tisha 31 has problems with him?

vietnam geoff tisha 2

Oh no. She has one of -those- boyfriends. You know what we call that type of boyfriend?

vietnam geoff tisha 3

He is what we call the “backseat Mario Kart Driver”.

When I was in high school, a friend brought her N64 along with a couple of games to the drama room. This was during the eleventh grade. Anyways, every lunch hour for about two weeks we would play N64. Typically Mario Kart 64 or Super Smash Bros. Anyways, there was this one guy who claimed to be a master.

While other people are racing he kept coaching them how to do better non-stop. Finally it is his turn to race against a complete newbie on the Toad’s Turnpike course and he wins by about .7 seconds thanks to a blue shell right before the finish line.

He did not shut up about winning either as he kept coaching players in future races as well.

– Geoff 26 is still dancing. Sam coaches Vince how to drive but it is a helpful and calm manner of doing it. Whoa, Bernie failed. She succeeded at falling off the course. Henry tells her to click ‘yes’ to restart. Henry is in agony as he watches Bernie screw up multiple times.

– Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 and Vince & Sam finished the task in second and third respectively. Let’s go back to Bernie failing though, okay?

vietnam henry bernie 2

vietnam henry bernie 3

“You were traced” = “You dead, mothaf—-a”.

– Henry becomes frustrated with Bernie’s inabilities to grasp how to play a video game that he is forced to mime behind her.

vietnam henry bernie 4

vietnam henry bernie 5

Henry cannot even bear to watch anymore.

GEOFF 26: YOU SCHOOLED HER! SCHOOLED HER!
TISHA 31: I guess it’s difficult for a girl who is not into video games.
GEOFF 26: Exactly. You know, or just over the hill.
(GEOFF 26 fires the camera a creepy stare.)

vietnam geoff tisha 4

Easy there, fella.

vietnam henry bernie 6

Bernie succeeding at needing a third attempt.

vietnam henry bernie 7

Henry may spontaneously combust any second now.

– Kapil’s mind is blown from playing the video game. I guess video games are not big in India.

vietnam kapil 2

It’s like he is f—ing entering the matrix.

– Bernie finishes the task then apologizes.

GEOFF 26: I know we are going to find flowers but we aren’t driving Miss Daisy. Twenty-five hours of racing.

Good one.

– Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 and Vince & Sam all show up to the flower market. It is open between 6:00am and 7:00pm. Henry & Bernie show up next. They all refuse to sleep on the city’s streets.

– A.D. & Fuzzie tell us that they lost an hour. Niroo finishes the task as him and Kapil head out. Fuzzie starts playing the video game and claims it is really easy. A.D. beats it too. These two teams show up  to the flower market.

– 6:00am already. A.D. & Fuzzie, Geoff 26 & Tisha 31, Niroo & Kapil, and Henry & Bernie all show up. They all read that they must travel by bus to the Cai Be Bus Terminal which is two hours outside of the city. They see the buses within walking distance. Kapil offers a flower to the attendant before boarding.

vietnam kapil 3

A token of his appreciation.

– The bus departs.

– But where is Vince & Sam and Ida & Tania? They thought it opened at seven. Neither of them saw the Hours of Operation sign. Sam says that they were told six, seven, and seven thirty by locals.
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So why not just be there at six?!

– Vince & Sam and Ida & Tania board the second bus to Cai Be.

– Bangkok. Isaac & William, Pailin & Natalie, and Mai & Oliver are just boarding the flight to Ho Chi Minh City.

– Detour time. Sampan or Some Walk. Teams must fill their boat with fruit and paddle to a local trader. The Cai Be Floating Market is one of the biggest wholesale markets in the region. Rowing the unwieldy sampan against strong river currents can be extremely exhausting for an inexperienced boatsmith.

In Some Walk, teams must collect and deliver twenty chickens using a traditional device called the dan gan.

ALLAN: Capturing live animals is not for the chicken-hearted, and locating the vendor in a market where Vietnamese is primarily spoken can be difficult.

vietnam allan wu 2

That is the least cleverest pun that Allan has uttered while sporting his Nike Wush.

– A.D. & Fuzzie choose Sempan because they are not animal people. Kapil wants to do Some Walk because he has no idea about the size of the boat in Sempan or what needs to be loaded.

KAPIL: It is very risky business.

risky business

What does Tom Cruise have to do this?

– Henry & Bernie choose Some Walk. Fuzzie wants A.D. to chill down by walking slower so he can catch up. Ida & Tania are now at the Detour.

TANIA: ‘ELLO ‘ELLO MATES!

Where did the Aussie accent come from?

– IDA: Tania came to me and said ‘I have a real problem with chickens. Live chickens. I cannot catch a live chicken, I am sorry’.

vietnam ida tania 8

That is some genuine fear on her face.

–  Vince & Sam are on the roadside then dumped from the bus. The guy who kicks them out refuses to call a taxi for them as well. Odd. We see the other teams running about. Henry tells the chicken all of the ways he will cook it as he pets it. Then the chicken gets away much to Bernie’s dismay.

– Niroo & Kapil have found a local to lead them to the market. Kapil is happy how him and his father are working together as a team because they are not complicating things by strategizing. Ida & Tania begin loading up their basket with fruit.

vietnam fruit

Can I have some of that pineapple and coconut?

– Vince & Sam discover they have been dropped off six kilometres from the terminal. They now hire a taxi to take them there. Henry & Bernie have their chickens. Geoff 26 wants his girlfriend to throw the fruit into the boat but she says the basket is too heavy. She is nervous sitting in a boat because she cannot swim.

vietnam chickens

Those poor chickens.

– Bernie yells she needs to rest for a second as she puts down the chicken device quickly. Ida starts singing “Row, row, row your boat”. Geoff 26 thinks this is the wrong challenge. Fuzzie flops over in the boat when he tries to get up. Him and A.D. switch to the other task because they struggled just to get the fruit in the boat. Bernie yells that she wishes to be a man.

vietnam chickens 2

If the benefits to being a man are doing well at video games and carrying chickens in strangely shaped devices. . .well, I hope there is better reasoning beyond that.

– Geoff 26 is annoyed with the boat to the point he bashes himself over the head with a watermelon.

vietnam watermelon 2

vietnam watermelon

If this were TAR 17, he would use a catapult to hit himself with a watermelon.

– Geoff 26 begins eating the cracked melon.

GEOFF 26: We’ve been racing for thirty hours. I’m not rowing another f—ing kilometre.

How are the two connected?

– Vince & Sam have the Detour clue. They decide to catch chickens. Fuzzie is walking slowly on the road. Henry & Bernie are bickering after dropping off the chickens at the marked stall because Henry wants her to do it his way.

HENRY: Now you’re not listening to me when I am being sensible.

vietnam henry bernie 8

Henry could call Bernie a name verbally, but luckily his shirt does the talking for him.

– Bernie replies that Henry is acting da fool. Tisha 31 says it was stupid to choose the rowing option. Ida & Tania freak out over there not being any registered transport in the city. Again, the Tom & Terry method will not cut it here.

– Guess which racer is currently struggling with stamina?

vietnam ad fuzzie 2

This guy! Fuzzie may have started off strong, but his energy is definitely gone. Racing through tropical climates for weeks at a time seems to be outside of Fuzzie’s realm of possibilities. Can Fuzzie physically last more than five or six rounds of the game?

– Tisha 31 also claims she will faint anytime. Ida & Tania see Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 behind them. Actually, they crown them with a new nickname.

vietnam spider black

vietnam spider black 2

vietnam spider black 3

Spider Black is equivalent to the evil Spider Man? How does that nickname even make sense for Geoff 26 & Tisha 31? Neither of them are Black, neither of them are agile, and neither of them have talked about being fans of Spiderman, nor can any of them spin a web of any size.

venom

If anything, he is Spider Black. At least he fits Ida & Tania’s criteria.

– Kapil snaps at his father that he will lift it for Niroo and put it on his back. Niroo says he cannot balance it. He mimes how to balance it and is really expressive. Niroo has it on his back and deems it will not be possible. Kapil decides that he will carry both devices on his back.

– Bernie insists they must go back and grab their chickens. She says they can be volatile towards each other when they are in conflict. Bernie’s decision pays off as they find the stall and receive the clue.

– They read they must travel by bus to Thanh Nu Jeanne Darc Vang Lang Church. Yeah, it is like they picked six words out of a hat and decided that would be the name of a church. This is where they will find their next clue.

– Henry & Bernie board a taxi that will take them to the bus station. Sam is squirmish about picking up chickens.

VINCE: He rediscovered his phobia of flying things around his face.

– Vince caught nearly every chicken. They embark. Sam is still uneasy about the chickens for some reason.

vietnam vince sam 3

Chickenheads can never stay away from a man’s butt.

– They pass by Ida & Tania and Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 who are in the process of switching to the chicken task.

VINCE: You already finished?
IDA: We are -nowhere- near finished.

– Niroo whines that his hands are going numb now. Kapil tries to tell him that he should just let his hands go numb.

KAPIL: It will lead to good results.
NIROO: Him being a younger generation guy, he had his point of view. Me being an older generation guy, I had my point of view.

Don’t you love East Indian teams on The Amazing Race? What father-son team talks like that?

vietnam niroo 2

Those darn kids these days just want to work hard and be rewarded for their efforts. . .wait, what?

– Tania tells Ida that she has a problem with chickens but Ida responds that she has to deal with it.

GEOFF 26: I knew I’d be good at catching cocks.

– Tania apologizes profusely to each chicken that she catches and promises to never eat a chicken again. Fuzzie has no sympathy for the chickens as he casually gathers each one.

FUZZIE: The only chicken I like is the fried one on my plate.

vietnam ad fuzzie 3

The toughest part for Fuzzie will be to not eat all twenty chickens before delivering them to the stall.

– Tisha 31 whines about the uncomfortable basket on her shoulders and its weight. Ida & Tania realize that Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 stole her chickens.

– Commercial.

– Ida & Tania chase them down.

GEOFF 26: We all caught the chickens so it doesn’t matter.
IDA: Actually, I made sure I caught the smaller chickens.
GEOFF 26: You picked all the small ones? That’s smart.

vietnam geoff tisha 5

You know what else is smart? Going out of your way to piss off another team for no apparent reason in round two, and ensure every single team will refuse to help you for the remainder of the season. Good luck with the U-Turn and Yields down the road too, by the way!

Seriously. Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 may be some of the dumbest social players I have ever seen. You decreased your load by five or six pounds max? And now no team will help you with directions to the stall if you are lost.

jeanne hebert

Smawt.

– Fuzzie keeps collecting the chickens with the least sincere apology ever.

GEOFF 26: See you later, ladies.

What a jerk.

– We see a random girl -staring- at Niroo & Kapil as they walk on the road. The shot goes for five seconds. This is the strangest piece of editing I have seen in a long time.

vietnam woman

christy smith

She’s cweepy.

– Geoff 26 tells Tisha 31 that there is no need to rush. Niroo & Kapil find the stall and are in second place somehow. Hearing Kapil pronounce the name of the place is hilarious. Vince says a chicken is pecking his knee. They deliver the chickens and are now in third despite losing a ton of time due to the discriminatory bus.

– Geoff 26 is annoyed that Tisha 31 needs to stop on the road again. He tells her that two teams have passed them since they started the day. Tisha 31 recaps yet again that it is 30 hours without sleep, food (or friends). Geoff 26 uses that to show that they have come too far to quit.

– Even A.D. & Fuzzie have passed Geoff 26 & Tisha 31. Sam comments that Tisha 31 looks like she is dying as him and Vince walk past them.

vietnam geoff tisha 6

That position looks equally uncomfortable.

– Niroo & Kapil and Vince & Sam agree to share a cab. Geoff 26 tries to support the chickens onto Tisha 31 and tells her not to stop.

GEOFF 26: I was supporting her. I was like ‘suck it up princess and lets finish this’, right? Right?

vietnam geoff tisha 8

vietnam geoff tisha 7

Wrong.

– Ida & Tania go down some steep stairs. They find the right place. A.D. & Fuzzie join them seconds later in fourth and fifth. Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 finish the task in sixth. Geoff 26 blows a really loud whistle in a close-knit crowd as he demands that he only wants to either be shown to a driver or have a driver announce his presence. Ida & Tania are offended as they share a cab with A.D. & Fuzzie.

– Tisha 31 laughs about the whistle in a confessional because she thinks it showed the locals to not mess with them that day.

GEOFF 26: GET AWAY! I ONLY WANT THE DRIVER!

vietnam whistle

vietnam whistle 2

The results?

vietnam whistle 3

Note to self: Loud and obnoxious whistles when in tight quarters with strangers will not lead you to being rewarded with help.

– Geoff 26 takes a guy by the hand as he repeatedly blows the whistle. Tisha 31 stops him because she knows the guy has no idea where to go.

GEOFF 26: The whistle worked to a certain extent because it told them we mean business.

vietnam whistle 4

It also meant that they mean to be jackasses to the Vietnamese people and have no respect for the local population. Seriously. Not since Kendra in TAR 6 have I seen such a disregard for people in a third world country.

– We are now 47 minutes and 32 seconds of running time into the episode. This is the point where most episodes end for TAR Asia. But guess what? We still have another twenty minutes of running time to go.

– The second flight lands. We all see them enter their own taxis. Mai assumes all other teams are already at the pit stop. Natalie says she is ready to faint. Just wait for the Detour. All three teams show up at the Opera House and read that they must head to a cafe to play a video game.

ISAAC: How many hours do we have under our belt playing Playstation?

– All three teams show up to the cafe. Isaac & William finish the task in seventh. Mai & Oliver finish it in eighth. Pailin & Natalie don’t understand the game until they finish the task in last.

– MAI: The person that really like kind of like really wants to do race in each team in this team it’s you and like Nat’s team it’s Pailin.

vietnam mai oliver 7

Ten words could have been cut from that sentence. And Oliver continues to hold an expression like he is preparing to shoot Mai in the face with a revolver at a moment’s notice.

NATALIE: I think we’re being treated like less than humans right now in our own filth.

Yes. Less than humans get paid to play free video games, be filmed to promote their careers, and get to tour around Thailand and Vietnam.

PAILIN: No, I signed up for this.
NATALIE: I only want to do things if they make sense and have a reason to do things. As of right now I don’t see any reason to be doing things right now for this.

lena sweden 7

So you’re saying pushing one hundred hay bales in Sweden would not be something you would think makes sense?

But Natalie’s tirade is not over yet.

PAILIN: That’s exactly it because I knew what I was signing up for here.
NATALIE: We’re tired, dirty, smelly, underslept, puffy eyes, and God knows what else. Like I still expect to be clean.

And here comes the closer:

NATALIE: Being dirty is like the lowest form of human existence.

vietnam pailin 2

Maybe I should have chosen a different partner for this race. . .

– I cannot believe Natalie said that. This is round two. She loved eating scorpions and was proud of how she rocked it. She spent time washing a bus. But this whole reaction all because she had to sleep in an airport and has not had time to shower for a couple days?

Like, I know half of the people my age who go camping for a week every single summer. Not showering and not sleeping for thirty hours does not even raise one of Phil Keoghan’s eyebrows. This is halfway into the second round. I bet it has barely been two days since the season started. Forget Fuzzie or Tisha 31’s stamina. Natalie will probably quit during the Detour at this rate.

– Isaac & William and Mai & Oliver have their clue from the flower stall. So do Pailin & Natalie. They are all on the same bus to the bus terminal.

– Henry & Bernie are first to the next route marker. They read they must choose a representative from one of eight local charities. They will be provided with five hundred dollars of aid from Singha Deer to spend on that organization. Once they have finished the task they will make their way to the Saigon Post Office to receive their next clue.

vietnam friend

I wonder if Natalie’s Five Star Hotel Recovery Centre is one of the charities. She needs that five hundred dollars to repair her body.

vietnam friend 2

I wonder how many five star hotels that monk has slept in?

– Henry cries IMMEDIATELY.

– Commercial.

– We recap Henry crying. He said that the church made him emotional. When I mean Henry is crying I mean he is breathing in and out really fast as the tears just pour onto Bernie’s shoulder. It sounds like a dog panting on a hot summer day.

vietnam henry bernie 9

HENRY (to the charity lady): I’m sorry I cried so much. I’m really tired. And the straw broke in my juice carton.

vietnam henry bernie 10

Okay, I made up the juice carton part up.

– Niroo & Kapil and Vince & Sam show up to the friend task moments later. Sam says representing a children’s foundation is the right thing to do.

vietnam niroo kapil 2

Niroo is representing the Pringles Foundation.

– A.D. & Fuzzie and Ida & Tania are fifth and fourth respectively to the charity task. A.D. & Fuzzie choose a school for the blind. Each team is taking a taxi to the charity. Each charity recaps what they need as the teams must retrieve what they need.

Isn’t this somewhat of an evil task? It is a race, but wouldn’t it be horrible if teams asked “which charity is closest?” or “which ones require the easiest and quickest items to find?” You would look like a bigger jerk than Geoff 26 if you did that.

– Niroo & Kapil are at the headquarters of the largest private NGO in Vietnam.

vietnam niroo kapil 3

Hopefully one of the things they need is a bottle of Pringles.

– The lady tells them that it is an orphanage for 150 kids. Arts supplies and sports supplies. That is the only direction they are given.

This could not be a more subjective task. It is wonderful on paper, but it seems to not have enough controlled variables.

vietnam ad fuzzie 4

A.D. & Fuzzie are at the charity. The kid sitting down is camera shy and blocks his face from the camera. I find that impressive considering this is a school for the blind.

Hopefully my blind audience is not too offended by that light-hearted remark.

– A little girl plays an impressive tune on a piano/keyboard. Fuzzie is amazed too. Niroo wants to find a specific arts store but Kapil says they do not have the time. He just wants to take several boxes of the same item at a toy store. Never has charity work been met with such brutality as teams shove items onto their cart.

– If I had to buy sports equipment, I would buy a high end punching bag and call it five hundred bucks.

vietnam vince sam 4

Sam -really- wants to buy cartoons.

vietnam vince sam 5

Five hundred bucks of cartoons in the cart!

vietnam niroo kapil 4

Who knew the first two teams to finish a shopping task would be the all-male teams.

– Henry & Bernie have purchased the supplies and hand over the five hundred bucks. Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 are in charge of purchasing vegetables. Vince bought DVD players and crates of milk.

vietnam henry bernie 11

Henry refrains from crying in front of the kids.

IF THIS WASN’T A CHARITY TASK

LADY: Would you like to visit the kids for a minute?

vietnam vince sam 6

VINCE: Sorry, we’re on this thing called The Amazing Race. If we finish first this round, we win ten thousand dollars.

BUT BECAUSE THIS IS A CHARITY TASK

LADY: Would you like to visit the kids for a minute?

vietnam vince sam 7

VINCE: Sure! We’d love to!

vietnam vince sam 9

Lion King!

– A.D. & Fuzzie finish the task.

vietnam ad fuzzie 5

Something wider than Fuzzie? That is a first.

– Bernie wonders if the next clue will direct them to a pit stop. Henry refuses to give an answer because of the huge number of hours that this round has been going on for now.

– Vince & Sam are still hanging out with the kids.

vietnam vince sam 10

Hopefully Sam does not teach dance of all things.

vietnam vince sam 8

“Hey Sam, I think I left my shoes at the orphanage. Who do you think took them?

vietnam vince sam shoes

Unless he is Sideshow Tran, I believe he was the one who took them.

– The lady is impressed with Kapil’s shopping. He tells the lady to keep up the good work with the charity. Geoff 26 is pissed when Tisha 31 has to repeatedly set down baskets of goods. Tropical rain is now pouring rain.

GEOFF 26: Goddamit! Let’s go! Charity is not fun anymore. Let’s get out of here.

– Either the basket is hella heavy or Tisha 31 is really weak because the weight of the basket visibly drags her down. It is like she had no resistance to it and is a limp noodle. I am surprised her back is still fully functional because that drop looked rough.

vietnam tisha 2

You know what’s a good charity, Geoff 26? The “Help My Girlfriend Who is Visibly Exhausted and Drained and Needs Your Support” one.

– Henry & Bernie are first to the Saigon Post Office. It’s a pit stop! They must head to the Museum of Vietnamese History. Allan is really dramatic when he says a team -may- be eliminated.

BERNIE: Teams must enter the museum through the main entrance of the Ho Chi Minh City Zoo.

Sounds like a busy area.

– Vince & Sam are second to the clue box. It is nothing but rain right now. Geoff 26 informs the charity organizers that Singha Deer has provided them with four hundred dollars.

I really hope the other one hundred went to supplies instead of going into Geoff 26’s pocket.

GEOFF 26: I am officially flipped. I cannot do anything anymore.

vietnam geoff tisha 9

How about not spending all of your energy blowing into a whistle several times as hard as you possibly can?

– A.D. & Fuzzie are third to the Post Office. Ida & Tania show up to a building. Ida feels fortunate for the opportunity. They both cry in the cab.

TANIA: It was really horrible. I felt like really rude. It was really hard. It was emotionally hard cause it was like you know. . .it was just hard, yeah.

vietnam ida tania 9

This is what confessionals sound like when you go forty hours without sleep.

– Triumphant music plays as Henry & Bernie hop onto the mat.

vietnam greeter

The greeter looks like a president of an African nation.

– Allan informs them that they are indeed team number one. Henry instantly raises his arms and starts screaming like a maniac.

FIRST PLACE: HENRY & BERNIE

vietnam henry bernie 12

You would think Henry was one of the animals who escaped from the zoo.

ALLAN: For being DRIVEN to win this leg of the race, you have won a year’s supply of petrol from Caltex with Techron which you can enjoy after the race. Was this leg worth that supply of petrol?
BERNIE: Now it is!
HENRY: Definitely is.

Oh, Caltex.

caltex 3

Is that Isaac & William’s dad driving the car in the Caltex advertisement?

– SECOND PLACE: A.D. & FUZZIE

A.D.: Are you serious?
ALLAN: I am serious.
A.D.: I am so happy I can kiss this mat.
ALLAN: Uh, go ahead. Kiss it.

vietnam ad fuzzie 6

Why does the mat taste like wet shoes?

– Niroo & Kapil are at the Post Office in fourth.

THIRD PLACE: VINCE & SAM

– Their celebration is not as entertaining.

– Geoff 26 asks if the clue box at the Post Office has only one clue. He is shocked to hear that there is still four left.

vietnam geoff tisha 10

Math adds up. And look at how dark it is!

FOURTH PLACE: NIROO & KAPIL

– Allan announces their placement as if they have achieved an underdog victory.

thailand hose

I guess that’s what happens when your taxi driver is not a buffoon.

– Isaac & William, Pailin & Natalie, and Mai & Oliver all show up to the market at night time. Natalie refuses to choose the chicken option as well as running.

FIFTH PLACE: GEOFF 26 & TISHA 31

SIXTH PLACE: IDA & TANIA

– Predictably, they start dancing.

ALLAN: Show us the chicken dance. Show us the chicken dance!

vietnam ida tania 10

This was the peak of their coordination while dancing. I am not kidding. It was a complete mess.

vietnam allan wu 3

He could watch their dancing all day.

And yes, we did notice you undid your top button, Allan.

– Mai & Oliver and Pailin & Natalie are both going for the chickens. So are Isaac & William. I assume the floating market is closed. Lots of screaming and crying. Cursing too. These teams really deserve to be the bottom three teams this round.

Your torture is almost over, guys. Only six minutes left.

– Mai continues to cry as Oliver keeps collecting them.

MAI: There’s twelve.
OLIVER: I counted fourteen!

– William said him and Isaac never went to farms. They were always city boys.

vietnam william 2

We’re from the city. We have never gone to farms. Unlike an actress, her mallrat friend, and two Miss Universe contestants.

vietnam mai

Geez Mai, don’t be such a chicken!

simple life

I think Paris Hilton and her friend. . .uh. . .her friend, they handled gimmicky farm tasks much better than these did.

That’s right. I just said that Paris Hilton and that friend of hers who is definitely not famous enough to remember has handled a task relating to rural life more than three teams from Asian countries on The Amazing Race.

– By the way William is the most boring speaker I have ever heard in my life. Isaac suggests rowing but something tells me that task cannot be allowed.

WILLIAM: This is a Detour. This isn’t a Roadblock.

– Commercial break. Will Isaac & William switch from catching chickens?

– Mai & Oliver have finished delivering the chickens. So have Pailin & Natalie.

– Isaac & William are still rounding up several more chickens. They are just starting the journey. Mai & Oliver have hired a taxi. They feel bad for abandoning Isaac & William.

– Isaac & William have finished the delivery. They must be at least twenty minutes behind. Now they have a taxi of their own in last.

– Mai & Oliver are at the charity task. They are stoked for it. Pailin & Natalie do not seem less enthusiastic. Natalie repeats in the cab if they can move faster.

vietnam natalie 4

“By the way, can someone explain what the word ‘charity’ means? I have never heard of that word before.”

– Mai asks the person with her in the cab to ask what they need. They need a computer. I am sure Staples is open this late.

– Isaac & William show up in last to the charity task.

ISAAC: Help out a friend in need. This is your. Chance. To do some. Good.

vietnam isaac william 2

I don’t know about you, but no greater charity than the “Get Me Out of Last Place Fund”.

– Mai & Oliver go into a shop and buy a computer. Why is it never a good idea to say what your price range is?

vietnam computer

Because the price of the item you need is -exactly- the amount of money you have. How convenient!

And I refuse to believe that any ‘good’ laptop in 2008 could be sold for as little as 500 dollars.

– Well that’s quick. All they had to do was buy one thing. Mai hopes to see the children still being awake. Triumphant music plays as Pailin & Natalie enter an orphanage. Pailin interacts with the kids in a playful manner.

vietnam pailin 3

Natalie meanwhile is nowhere to be found. Maybe she did not want to wake up the kids because of how highly she values a good night’s sleep!

– Remember before how I complained that this task is too subjective depending on one of the ten charities you chose? Well this is a perfect example. Pailin & Natalie have found the quickest way to do this task.

vietnam pailin natalie 2

vietnam pailin natalie 3

vietnam pailin natalie 4

a) The stores are all closed and Pailin & Natalie have just gained an hour on all other teams.

b) The lady was nervous that a Miss Universe contestant handling money for an orphanage may lead to an inefficient use of the money.

thailand natalie pailin intro 5

Makeovers for everyone!!!!!!

– NATALIE: Well for now this money it will keep the kids fed. . .I hope.
LADY (laughing with five hundred dollars in hand): Yes, it will.

vietnam pailin natalie 5

I had to rewind it to hear the ‘I hope’ about four or five times. It kills me. The ‘I hope’ sounds like she is expecting the kids to die of some terminal cancer at a children’s hospital within the next three to six months.

– Mai & Oliver have delivered the computer. William asks Isaac to shop because he is the one who shops for them every week. They enter a grocery store and pretty much raid the store as four or five volunteers put it into the cab for them. In other words, they lose even more time.

– Shockingly, Pailin & Natalie are first of the bottom teams to reach the Post Office. They must have saved thirty minutes.

SEVENTH: PAILIN & NATALIE

– Oliver curses when he sees only one clue left at the Post Office. Isaac & William show up there seconds later.

EIGHTH: MAI & OLIVER

– They are relieved.

vietnam mai oliver 8

thailand mai oliver 11

Who knew they would be happier with eighth than first.

– This conclusion is rushed.

LAST: ISAAC & WILLIAM

ALLAN: You are team number nine, and the last to arrive.

vietnam isaac william 3

Isaac looks up to the Heavens for an act of mercy.

– Prayers go unanswered. Allan announces they are eliminated too. Disappointed to go so early while possessing one of the most Godly boring personalities to ever be on the race.

WILLIAM: This isn’t built for everybody.

– Isaac ends it by saying they had fun while William replies with a soft ‘yeah’.

vietnam isaac william 4

Which one do you think is the optimist in the family?

NEXT TIME ON TAR: We just finished the hyper-extended 68 minute episode. Now we go back to the regular somewhat-extended 48 minute episodes as we trek through Vietnam!

CONFESSIONAL COUNT

IDA.TANIA 5.4
VINCE.SAM 6.5
PAILIN.NATALIE 6.5
A.D..FUZZIE 2.6
HENRY.BERNIE 5.4
ISAAC.WILLIAM 3.3
NIROO.KAPIL 3.4
GEOFF26.TISHA31 7.2
MAI.OLIVER 5.4

Team Averages

Bulls—
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A
— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Preston & Jennifer 11.0
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0
11th Ari & Staella 11.0
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0
11th John & Scott 11.0
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
10th Edwin & Monica 10.0 (Only team to finish last for the first two rounds of the race.)
10th Neena & Amit
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0
10th A Black Family 10.0
— F +–
10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????)
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.)
10th Kate & Pat 9.0
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
9th Marianna & Julia 8.33
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8 – Yielded
8th Marisa & Brooke 7.75 – Sucked.
9th Isaac & William 7.5
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Aiello Family 7.0
8th Singaporean Sophie & French Born Aurelia 7.0 (French Born Aurelia sadly does not know the English words for ‘team averages’. :/)
–D minus–
8th Tom & Terry 7.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0 R.I.P. Margaretta
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
9th Rogers Family 6.5
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5
6th Henry & Terri 6.44 Used Their Yield; Finished last on a non-elimination round THREE times. R.I.P. Henry.
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
9th Brett & Kinar 6.33
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25
7th Aja & Cabbie 6.2
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF
–D+–
10th Ernie & Jeena 6.0
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
7th Daichi & Sawaka 5.83
7th Dave & Lori 5.83
5th Kami & Karli 5.8
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
7th Shana & Jennifer 5.8 Used U-Turn
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67 R.I.P. Nancy.
6th Gaghan Family 5.5
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
8th Sahil & Prashant 5.4 FF
–C minus–
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33
7th Gus & Hera 5.29
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
8th Lorena & Jason 5.25 U-Turned
3rd Andrew & Dan 5.18
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
6th Kelly & Christy 5.14
7th Ray & Deana – 5.0 FF
7th Melody & Sharon 5.0
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
9th Mark & Bill 5.0 – Wah.
5th Fran & Barry 4.89
6th Howard & Sahran 4.88
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85 – Yielded
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
7th Teri & Ian All Stars 4.83
7th Schroeder Family 4.75
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71 – Used Yield
6th Brian & Greg 4.71
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF and Used Yield and Yielded
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
5th Paula & Natasha 4.45
5th Uchenna & Joyce All Stars 4.33 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
–B minus–
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23
3rd Nicolas & Donald 4.18 FF and U-Turned
4th Linda & Karen 4.17
3rd Charla & Mirna All Stars 4.15
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF and Used Yield
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11
5th Andy & Laura 4.00 – Yielded
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
2nd Pamela & Vanessa 3.92
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
1st Zabrina & Joe Jer 3.77
2nd Sandy & Francesca 3.77 – Used Yield
4th Diane & Ann 3.75 – Yielded
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
–B+–
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
5th Kynt & Vyxsin 3.63 Used Yield
1st Eric & Danielle All Stars 3.62 – Yielded Twice
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56
4th Joseph & Monica 3.50 – Yielded
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46 – Used Yield and Yielded
2nd Ronald & Christina 3.45
4th Nathan & Jennifer 3.40 – Never finished in 1st
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
1st Chip & Kim 3.38 – Used Yield
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31
5th Terence & Sarah 3.25
1st TK & Rachel 3.18
4th Godlewski Family 3.18
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17 – Used Yield
–A minus–
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 3.17
3rd Weaver Family 3.15 – Yielded Twice
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF
4thToni & Dallas 3.10 Still in Russia
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00 – Yielded
6th Azaria & Hendekea 3.00
4th Hayden & Aaron 2.92
2nd Dustin & Kandice All Stars 2.92 – Used Yield
2nd Bransen Family 2.85
1st Linz Family 2.77 – Used Yield
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
–BEST OF THE BEST–
8th Rob & Amber All Stars 2.75 – Used Yield
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny All Stars 2.67 FF x2 and Used Yield
2nd Ken & Tina 2.64 FF
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF and Yielded
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF and Used Yield
1st Nick & Starr 2.45 FF
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31
1st Adrian & Collin 2.23 FF
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF
lol 3rd Marc & Rovilson 1.46 Used Yield and Yielded

Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)

11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF
18 legs Danielle 4.78
19 legs Teri & Ian 4.63 FF
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF
20 legs Charla & Mirna 4.00 None
21 legs Joe & Bill 3.71 FF
22 legs Uchenna & Joyce 3.64 FF x2
*31 legs Eric & Danielle 3.48 FF
23 legs Oswald & Danny 3.30 FF x3!
25 legs Dustin & Kandice 3.04 None
26 legs Eric 2.65 FF
17 legs Rob & Amber 2.41 None

* I determined Eric & Danielle’s average in this last section by adding up all of their individual points from TAR 9, then adding up their total points in All Stars and dividing it by 31.

Rank the Teams

1) Neena & Amit

A very likeable team. The last cousins to race on TAR were Charla & Mirna.
.
.
.
Yeah, those are impossible shoes to fill.

Neena & Amit were not shown much even in their one episode run. They were genuinely enjoying themselves, asked for directions as often as they could when their taxi was lost at the end, and they performed well at every task.

It really is just a case of a strong team going early due to multiple bad taxis.

I wish them nothing but the best.

2) Isaac & William

This team is viewed as having the most boring intro shot in franchise history. Kicking up a soccer ball. Not even a head turn.

Well, that translated to their personalities. After two episodes they had the least amount of screen caps of any team. For a team that is second out, it shows how little airtime they received in the first place.

They liked sports. They liked God. They do not like chickens. . .dayum! Okay, no Chicken Morris screencap necessary.

They also know that Ho Chi Minh City is located in Vietnam.

The first two teams ousted in this season are simultaneously the two nicest and most boring teams.

Well, Neena & Amit had far more personality. But man, Isaac & William never really gave us much. Becky Lee was also from South Korea, and she is considered to be Survivor’s most boring contestant ever.

Are there no big personalities in South Korea that can be cast on Survivor or TAR? I have a couple of Korean friends, and one of them knows every Dave Chappelle joke from heart. So I know entertaining Koreans are out there, but my goodness, how are they not being discovered by casting?

Rank the Legs

1) Chiang Mai, Thailand -> Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam

Depart in the middle of the night. Wait until a flying fox canopy tour opens.

Then go to a plantation. Dodge paintball snipers.

Then go to the airport. Fight for flights to Vietnam.

Then play a F-Zero knock-off where you may actually screw up and lose 90 seconds of time.

Then head to a flower stall where you may have to sleep outside until morning.

Then load up baskets of chickens or do an impossible rowing task before you switch to catching chickens and transporting them.

Then go to a post office to help out a charity for a couple of hours (or minutes if you were in Miss Universe).

Then head to a pit stop via the local zoo.

Include being transported by long bus rides for some of these tasks on top of that.

No wonder why this episode had to be hyper-extended. Even at the end the pit stop check-ins felt really rushed. Production wanted to induce vomiting in round one, but decided to drain teams of all energy by round two. The rests at the canopy tour and flower stall were just a few hours rather than a full night. No way teams slept for more than a couple hours during that 40-48 hour period.

By the end of this episode you had a really good sense for every team excluding Isaac & William who remained to be bland until their elimination. You understand why everyone hates Geoff 26. Ida & Tania are suddenly your favourites. Henry cries as much as Henry from last season. Natalie comes off as a super spoiled brat. Oliver may be the most serious and humourless person ever seen.

This episode did several things right. Although no one chose to do a rowing task because paddling without sleeping for 40 hours is impossible due to the amount of concentration required.

But what it did wrong irks me. Teams were assigned to different charities. Some of them you could be done in a matter of ten minutes while others looked like it took well over an hour. I like that TAR Asia regularly does charitable donations, but you have to keep in mind that it is a race. Teams know not to be big enough jerks to say “hurry the heck up” during this.

And did watching teams play System Rush Revolution urge anyone to buy a Nokia phone as soon as they watched the episode? Although it did lead to Geoff 26 showboating. So I guess it was worth something.

And how many paintball snipers were there? Did they roam or were they set in a fixed spot? Because some of the snipers could have gone rogue and just chased down the same player over and over again. I mean, it was not like the players could fire back and kill the sniper. They were defenseless. I wish production would reveal how they tried to make that task fair.

Other than that, I was shocked that a 68 minute running time did not drag at all.

2) Bangkok, Thailand -> Chiang Mai, Thailand

Thailand makes a rare appearance at this point in the TAR franchise. Only the fourth appearance total for a relatively safe country at the time.

Tuk-tuks may be the least flattering way to take teams to the starting line. Unless production will be going for a gritty and rough motif all season long, tuk-tuks go against the epic nature of TAR’s opening cinematography.

This has to be the most disgusting opening task to a season. It should be a difficult task halfway through a season. I find it odd that it is not only a food eating task, but results in half of the teams vomiting. I think Pailin & Natalie did so well because they had not eaten any food since the conclusion of the last pageant.

Then we were glued to the buses for half of the round. The idea was executed so poorly that after a complicated formula for departures, seven out of ten teams were on the last bus together. Neena & Amit finished fourth on the Buddha Search task but had to wait hours for the trailing teams.

The Detour was original. Well, not doing an eight kilometre ATV course. But putting together those rice balls had never been done before, and seemed brutal on your back and hands.

The shortened hose at the gas station was hilarious, and it was really bizarre to see a first place team preparing to quit on the first leg. That has to be one of the more unbelievable things I have ever seen.

“You just won five THOUSAND dollars!”
“F— your VISAS, we quit.”

So yeah, a really tough premiere compared to the wimpy premiere in TAR 24, and it provided more than enough entertainment.

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