The Amazing Race Asia 3 episode 1 ranking

The Amazing Race Asia 3 Introduction

the amazing race asia 3 promo

phil baroni

I am the toughest season eva!

You wanted thirteen rounds? Tough s—, there will only be eleven.

You want to travel around the world? Tough s—, you have to make due with southeastern Asia.

You want any breaks so production has to spend more money on you for your days off? Tough s—, filming is scheduled less than three weeks.

Do you want to be saved by a meaningless To Be Continued round with an immediate equalizer? No dice because this season does not tolerate race pussies.

And you know how Yields were in seasons five to eleven while U-Turns are in seasons twelve to the present? Well guess f—ing what, both exist in the SAME season. Yeah. Huge curveball. You need a lot of balls if you want to survive here.

You better bring your f—ing ‘A’ game, because production is going to hit you with a race that will be like a spinning backwards karate heel kick to the temple.

This is The Amazing Race Asia 3: Tough Balls Edition.

COUNTRIES VISITED

THAILAND – VIETNAM – TAIWAN – CHINA – INDIA – OMAN

Yep. The toughest season ever will visit only six countries. In fact, we are effectively going from four continents down to visiting the southern third of one. The other 3 3 2/3 continents from TAR Asia 2 have been discarded for this season.

Six countries in eleven rounds? How is that possible? Well, Thailand, Vietnam, Taiwan, China, and India all have two episodes each. Oman, the most intriguing country on the list, is the only country that features just one round.

Suddenly marketing’s aim at branding this season as the ‘toughest s— you will ever deal with in your life’ is fading fast.

Once casting began for TAR Asia 3, TAR 12 had just finished airing in its entirety. Kynt & Vyxsin even applied for TAR Asia 3 immediately after TAR Asia 2 which aired simultaneously with TAR 12.

Why am I mentioning TAR 12? Because TAR 12 debuted the 11-round format, and discarding the Yield in favour of the U-Turn. Neither of these elements had ever been seen in prior seasons of TAR. TAR Asia 3 decided to follow suit by going to an 11-round format and using the U-Turn as well.

As mentioned above, they do something that will rarely be seen in the future for foreign seasons–they have a Yield and a U-Turn in the same season. Instead of two of each being used we are sadly left with just one of each. There is also one Fast Forward. That means a team could use all three of them throughout the season if they are first to each of these locations. The other nine teams could be shut out of using all three of those twists.

Goodbye strategy.

The Intersection used in TAR Asia 2 is discarded. The Intersection is all but extinct in the TAR universe.

The teams from TAR Asia 1 and 2 were all really nice people in general except for Sahil & Prashant who came off as enormous d—-bags. Andy & Laura are in the same boat as well.

But TAR Asia 2 had zero conflict except for people not liking the MILFinators Diane & Ann because they did not interact enough with the other teams. Diane & Ann were unaware of people disliking them which makes it a Shambo-Laura Morett type of storyline.

In TAR Asia 3 that all changes. Several fights between other teams as opposed to Henry & Terri or Singaporean Sophie & French Born Aurelia fighting within each other re-defines the series. There are also some truly oddball personalities.

In addition, the teams have weird names. TAR Asia 2 had ultra Western names, but TAR Asia 3 goes in the opposite direction.

There are also far fewer all-male and all-female teams this season. Expect more couples and the series’ first ever parent-child team in the mix.

The filming period is really short given there is far less travel and fewer rounds of play. If you like the battle of attrition that you witness in full length seasons, you  will not find it here.

die hard bruce willis

Nobody needs to bother with curling up their feet into a ball to eliminate jet lag on this season.

I know virtually nothing else about this season. So let’s get started!

Episode One

– Our first shot is of Thailand.

thailand boat

It is a Thai boat. Say that ten times fast. Have you improved on it from the last time we did this in TAR 14?

Thai boat
Thai boat
Thai bot
Typo
Typo
Typo

thailand allan wu

In the shocker of all shockers, there really is such a thing as a small Asian.

thailand allan wu 2

Oh, it’s him. Allan Wu with his wonderful Wufalfa hairstyle.

****WE NOW BRING YOU AN EDITION OF ‘IS THAT REALLY THE FIRST WORD OF A SEASON?****

ALLAN WU: Bangkok!

That’s right. The first word uttered for TAR Asia 3 is ‘Bangkok’. Just like TAR 2 and 14, let the genitalia-based humour for this episode begin.

ALLAN WU: . . .Thailand is a treasure trove of experiences as the southeast Asian country to never have been colonized, it retains its cultural identity.

Cue the random shots of sights around Bangkok that was originally intended to be b-roll left on the cutting room floor.
thailand buddha

rob base

I don’t go to Bangkok to smoke Buddha and can’t stand cess, yes!

thailand local

The most adorable potential pit stop greeter in TAR history.

thailand monk

henry ford

You can have your monk attire in any colour you want, as long as it is in orange.

– ALLAN: From this bustling city of ten million people, ten teams will embark on the race of their lives for one hundred thousand US dollars.

If only Bangkok had eleven million people.

– You know in the past how teams have been transported to the starting line on helicopters, fancy trucks, fancy cars, speedboats, and military choppers? Well guess what sick ride is lined up for them today to usher them into the race.

thailand tuk tuk

An eight hundred dollar tuk-tuk. I am not joking. Allan even justifies it by saying it is an essential vehicle to use to get around Bangkok’s intense traffic jams throughout the city.

You know what else is a great vehicle to avoid traffic jams? Speed boats and helicopters. See how Allan’s logic does not quite line up?

Although I guess it is better than TAR 24 where their form of transportation was their own two feet to enter the UCLA stadium.

– The starting line will be the Rommel Statue to celebrate Thailand’s first king who founded Bangkok as the nation’s capital.

thailand rommel

Who, much like Lincoln, appears to be sitting on the can.

– Ready for the ten teams?

TEAM #1: IDA & TANIA

thailand ida tania intro

Ida the actress, and Tania her socialite friend from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

thailand ida tania intro 2

Can you tell which one is the mactress?

IDA: We’ve never backpacked in our entire LIVES. We. . .more often than not have people carrying our bags for us. So this will be a real challenge.

thailand ida tania intro 3

Wow, they just went against Ida’s own words in their audition tape.

rupert 4

And what is with the Rupert Boneham inspired tye dye shirts?

TEAM #2: VINCE & SAM

Vince & Sam. Teachers from Hong Kong.

thailand sam vince intro

Who apparently love the camera.

VINCE: One of the best things about Sam is that he’s a nerd. And so anything that is a brain task he’s gonna take care of it.

SAM: We’re not going to be the best looking team–

VINCE: Speak for yourself.

SAM: We’re not going to be the strongest team. But we’re gonna be the funny ones. Everyone wants the funny ones to win, right?

thailand sam vince intro 2

However, this team does have the most balls.

thailand sam vince intro 3

Just do an audition tape that involves a Gladiator fight involving cue sticks and you are bound to be cast.

thailand sam wu intro

I knew it was his evil scheme all along.

TEAM #3

ALLAN: Beauty Queens from Thailand. Miss Universe 2005 Natalie and Pailin runner-up Thailand 2006 Miss Universe.

How are they Beauty Queens?

thailand natalie pailin intro

Hello!

thailand natalie pailin intro 2

But seriously, you know winning a slot to be on The Amazing Race Asia 3 does not require you to starve yourself for the audition tape, right?

thailand natalie pailin intro 3

Now they do their model walk. They walk from the rail behind them. Their dieticians are pleased to see they have burned off all fourteen calories from yesterday.

thailand natalie pailin intro 4

Food! Now!

miss california vomits

How come all Beauty Queens on The Amazing Race refuse to swallow food?

– Natalie says that this is good training for TAR because it is tough and competitive.

PAILIN: People think it is all about looks, but it really is all about endurance and perseverance.

thailand natalie pailin intro 5

So much for that statement.

PAILIN: Compared to Miss Universe or any other pageant, this is almost like a vacation.

Almost like a vacation. Does that mean Miss Universe -was- a vacation?

sarah palin

And I wonder if she made Thailand’s version of Nailin Pailin?

TEAM #4

Neena & Amit. Cousins from Delhi, India.

thailand neena amit intro

Why the sunglasses?

sahil hitchhike

Why do all teams from India require sunglasses?

thailand neena amit intro 2

Ah. The sunglasses are finally off.

– Neena says that it is common for cousins to be really close in India. Like they are kissing cousins. It is a huge close-knit family. Sounds like mine ten years ago. Eighty people showing up at Christmas, and wondering how I can ignore them all knowing I have nothing but sixteen seasons of TAR references to utter at gatherings.

thailand neena amit intro 3

Too bad the poker chips are missing. Otherwise they could be playing Indian Poker.

thailand neena amit intro 4

If we knew Natalie & Pailin would be Neena’s stiffest competition for Miss Universe, I think we can all agree that we would have encouraged Neena to apply.

NEENA: This race is about pushing through boundaries. And it’s what you have (pointing to her eyes) that’s gonna make you push.

thailand neena rai intro

Since when does your eyes push you through a season of The Amazing Race with its powers?

cyclops

Is she really Scott Summers in disguise?

TEAM #5

A.D. & Fuzzie. Friends from Singapore.

thailand ad fuzzie intro
Yep. I didn’t make that name up. The two strangest names ever in TAR history and they happen to be on the same team. Were they really meant to be cast on TAR Asia?

biggest loser ranch

Because I think Fuzzie had Visa issues and missed her flight to the Biggest Loser Ranch.

– FUZZIE.: We’re really completely out of our element. This isn’t our thing. We’re not adventurous.

A.D.: We’re not stereotypical at all.

Which makes me wonder. . .what stereotype were they afraid of being categorized as? Him and Fuzzie are anything but stereotypical.

africa marc rovilson 24

And did they take over Marc & Rovilson’s role for having an endless supply of funny T-shirts?

FUZZIE.: When you’re lazy you are also a lot better at getting things done quicker because you do not want to spend so much energy on it. Hardworking people spend a lot of time doing something that I can do in five minutes.

FUZZIE. does not sound like he will have much endurance.

thailand ad fuzzie intro 3
Why are you looking at me like that, Fuzzie? Did I say something wrong?

bangkok tran 2

guilin mark michael 5

We don’t think you said anything wrong.

Okay, thanks Mark & Michael.

– TEAM #6

Henry & Bernie. Brother and sister from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

thailand henry bernie intro

Is everyone from Malaysia or Singapore this season?

thailand henry bernie intro 2

And Henry may have one of the d—-iest goatees I have ever seen in my life.

– Henry & Bernie will do whatever it takes to win and insists that it sounds ruthless but do not want to make friends.

BERNIE: I have never failed. There is nothing wrong with failing, but I have never failed.

katrina

Bernie has never been duped either. Ever.

HENRY: I’m gonna be put into situations where I won’t be able to do a lot of these things. And that will be interesting.

thailand henry bernie intro 3

“Look ma, no hands!”

Bernie successfully crosses her leg in a squat with no hands. Henry puts himself in a situation where he cannot cross his leg in a squat, but is intrigued by this mishap.

TEAM #7

thailand isaac william intro

From Seoul, South Korea, brothers and sports agents Isaac and William.

Woo hoo! Three seasons and we have our first Korean duo.

thailand isaac william intro 2

Is William wearing a Cincinnati REDS jersey?

dennis rodman kim jong un

I thought North Korea was the Communist part of the peninsula. So why is William wearing a Reds jersey?

– Isaac tells us that him and William come from a strong Christian family.

thailand isaac william intro 3

In South Korea, I believe they have a song called “Bend it Beckham Style”.

ISAAC: We go to church twice per week. It makes us nicer guys. Good children for God, you know? Even if bad things happen we will assume it is God’s will.

Did they seriously just admit that they are the nice religious team to the supacoowackiestblogintheuniverse? Oh my gravy guys, a lot of jokes and puns will be made at your expense.

Isaac and William Flanders, prepare to be featured prominently throughout the season.

thailand isaac william intro 4

Uh oh. William is already bored by my blog. This is why I am weak amongst the Korean demographic.

TEAM #8

“From Mumbai, India, father and son team Niroo & Kapil.”

Yep, this is our first parent-child team in TAR Asia history.

– Kapil informs us he is an only child. I know the Indian government is happy about that in a country that already has over a billion freakin’ people. Anyone who can follow the unspoken one-child policy is helping the government uttering ‘phew’ under their breath.

thailand niroo kapil intro

russell hantz

Well over a year before Survivor: Samoa airs, but yet Kapil is already wearing a RUSSELL T-shirt. For shame.

– Kapil says that his culture has a lot of respect for elders by obedience which is pretty much  in any culture ever.

thailand niroo kapil intro 2

What is with Indian contestants wearing sunglasses?

NIROO: He knows when I change my expression what to do and what not to do.

thailand niroo intro

You would think Niroo was Italian by how low the cut of his T-shirt happens to be.

Thankfully he has two thousand fewer hairs than an Italian man.

TEAM #9

ALLAN: From the Philippines, Geoff 26 and Tisha 31. Dating for four years.

How come their ages are revealed but no one else’s? Is that part of their name?

rotorua french born aurelia chenat 8

Did Allan re-ignite the French Born Aurelia syndrome again?

– Like. . .they have the most boring ages possible for reality TV. Twenty-six and thirty-one. That is the age range where forty percent of all reality TV contestants fall.

– Or maybe it is a robot ID number. After all Allan just referred to them as “Geoff 26” and “Tisha 31”. It could very well be their model number.

thailand geoff tisha intro

Where is Geoff taking her?

thailand geoff tisha intro 2

So this is what he meant by taking her to the “candy shop”.

– Geoff & Tisha add nothing new by saying they have more emotions and know the dynamic will change due to the nature of the race. We see them continue walking around the fun fair. What game are they playing?

thailand geoff tisha intro 3

They are playing the Filipino version of Dump the Ump! You have to knock down all of those pins to win a prize.

dump the ump

My favourite childhood game to play at Scandia’s.

GEOFF 26: This could be a huge turning point for us. It could be a U-Turn it could be a Fast Forward it could be a Detour–
TISHA 31: A Roadblock. . .

Speed Bump. Yield. Intersection. . .yeah, we finally covered every twist. Were you guys even paying attention to what were you saying or were you just playing a round of Outburst where the category was “Name Ten Types of Tasks in The Amazing Race”.

thailand geoff tisha intro 4

Tisha 31 looks awfully familiar. . .

tia carrere

Schwing! Welcome to The Amazing Race Asia 3, Tia Carrere! Who knew she cloned herself as Tisha 31.
.
.
.
hold it

Hold it? Why?

europe marc rovilson 7

europe sam

Holy crap. Somebody who was Marc’s loved one known as “Sam” has been cast for TAR Asia 3. What the heck is this? The precursor to the concept of Blood vs. Water? Does casting have such an empty budget that they resorted to TAR Asia 2’s loved ones to create the cast?

EDITOR’S NOTE: Thanks to Ben P. and Eamon for this find.

TEAM #10

ALLAN: From Thailand, Mai, an actress, and her friend, Oliver, a student.

I swear Allan is obsessed with incorporating commas into his speech.

thailand mai oliver intro

They must have the world’s fattest camera operator because Oliver is hanging outside of the motorcycle.

MAI: I usually have an entourage.
OLIVER: I’ll be carrying the bag then.

thailand mai oliver intro 2

Wow. Two seconds in and Oliver is catching zero breaks.

thailand mai oliver intro 3

What the heck is that?

MAI: Mai family, they brought me up like a little princess.

thailand mai oliver intro 4

Well isn’t she a doll.

MAI: I chose Oliver as my teammate because he is physically strong.

thailand mai oliver intro 5

And apparently approves of Mai’s booty.

MAI: I chose Oliver as my teammate because he is physically strong. But I am not like that fit because, uh, I’m a girl.

sandy francesca sit

Here is a woman who would not let you cite that as an excuse.

twinnies

And another two.

– Mai & Oliver sound like the new Edwin & Monica. A mactress who admits to zero physical strength and endurance usually has a short live on The Amazing Race.

ALLAN: Can these teams withstand the pressure of the race? Traveling together. The gruelling challenges. Overcoming the pitfalls of ‘international travel’? Who will have the right combination of strategy, strength, skill, and teamwork? Over the coming weeks, we’ll find out as we get ready to race on The Amazing Race Asia.

thailand allan wu 3

That Wutensity is already giving me chills.

thailand tuk tuk 2

You know nothing signals the start of a competition like arriving in a line of ten tuk tuks.

– Allan gathers the ten teams and gives them the–

thailand intro sequence

No! It’s the intro first. This has never happened before in the franchise. They are airing the freakin’ intro before the starting line. Holy s—. These format changes for TAR Asia 3 are wild.

thailand intro sequence 2

That is the most random cities to ever be labelled in the intro. Why? Because Istanbul, Tokyo, Jakarta, Sydney, Auckland, and Los Angeles are NOT visited during this season. Bangkok is the starting line. That’s it.

That is the most misleading advertisement I have ever seen.

– Isaac & William are shown picking up a soccer ball followed by a zoom. They are not even given their own head turn in a different area. Thanks to Ben P. for pointing this out.

– Allan tells us that there are only eleven legs. The three non-elimination rounds are indeed confirmed.

ALLAN: Let me warn you that this race is hard. It will push you and challenge you in ways you could never imagine.

thailand allan wu 4

If you thought Lena pushing one hundred hay bales was tough, we have ten thousand hay bales in the Thai countryside that you must push before receiving your clue. Later you will encounter a waterboarding Roadblock. And that is just round one.

– The first team to cross the finish line will win 100, 000 US dollars.

ALLAN: The whole of Asia and beyond is just waiting for you!

thailand visit

Nice try, Allan. We don’t get fooled easily.

ALLAN: Ready. . .set. . .go!

He didn’t even tell them to travel safe. I sense a lawsuit down the road.

thailand pigeons

Teams can race to their bags behind Wu! Nothing is in their way!

thailand pigeons 2

Where the f— did the pigeons come from? Seeing how there are zero teams in the shot, we assume the flock of pigeons flying away occurred well before they even started.

– So where are they heading?

RACERS: Never race on an empty stomach. You must each eat one bowl one of a local delicacy to receive your next clue. You have twenty four dollars for this leg.

I cannot quite make out the exact location because Allan never tells us. We see teams enter taxis and tuk tuks. Geoff 26 claps his hands to call for a taxi. Obviously acting like you are doing a nursery rhyme will be ineffective and dumb. Isaac & William see a taxi stand.

– Virtually every team is in a taxi or a tuk tuk now. They speculate on what they will be eating.

– Allan finally interrupts the action to tell us where they are going and what they will be doing. Khaosarn in Thai means rice.

thailand khaosarn wok

And nothing says a good meal like combining whiskey with ale-flavoured rice.

– Allan says that Khao San Road is one of Bangkok’s most visited areas. Khao San means milled rice. It is a big rice market. However, it is all a trick because they will not really be eating rice. Instead they will be eating. . .

thailand scorpion

You want your next clue?

scorpion mortal kombat

Then get over here!

– Allan further elaborates that they will be eating baked bugs, frogs, and scorpions before receiving their next clue. Southeast Asia really loves their baked animals.

manila brett kinar

Too bad there wasn’t lamb for the dating couples to eat.

– A bunch of taxis and tuk tuks all arrive at the rice stall. Who is first for an eating task?

thailand ad fuzzie
Two dudes that will do anything for a quick meal. I could not have written this better myself.

snackcercise

The only type of exercise that A.D. & Fuzzie know.

– Fuzzie insists it tastes like French fries. Henry & Bernie are second there. Other teams are running on the street. Several workers are directing them where to go.

– Pailin & Natalie are third. Ida & Tania fourth. William has a phobia of insects as he shows up in fifth. Mai & Oliver are sixth there.

– It is really crowded. The rest of the teams show up in an unknown order.

– Let’s play a game of Who Looks Like They Will Throw Up?

thailand tisha 31

Tisha 31 cannot compute. Prepare for ejection.

– Niroo complains that the scorpions do not go in properly. I should note that a song can be heard playing near them. It is likely from an outdoor radio speaker. The song is really easy to identify. Much like Justin Timberlake’s Sexyback from TAR Asia 2, we have our next instalment of a pop song unintentionally being aired on TAR.

fergie

I do not know if this was a joke by the editors, but I find it hilarious that Fergie’s Big Girls Don’t Cry is playing as Tisha 31 is whining and wanting nothing to do with this task. Hopefully they do not piss away their chance to win the game like they are at a Fergie concert, though.

TANIA: I bit on something that was in my mouth and that was the beginning of the end for me.

Thanks for playing, Tania.

– Mai feels sorry for the frogs.

thailand mai oliver

miss piggy

Never has a frog been in someone’s mouth since Ms. Piggy did her oral presentation in high school.

– Pailin & Natalie start “scarfing them down”.

thailand pailin natalie

NATALIE: Who says Beauty Queens can’t eat bugs?

miss california vomits

She did.

– Everyone is shown eating bugs. Henry & Bernie have the clue. They read their next clue. Guess where they are going?

caltex

Yep. Our good ol friends at Caltex have returned to finance another season of TAR Asia!

caltex 2

And once again we have a car wash at Caltex. But because this is the toughest race ever, they have to wash a 22-seat passenger bus instead of a car this time. Wow!

I hate these types of tasks because you never know how clean is clean. Several teams are going to get a minor advantage because cleanliness is a subjective thing.

mario party 6 dust til dawn

mario party 6 clean team

mario party 5 bus buffers

It is not like Mario Party where it is computerized so the cleanliness of windows, cars, and living rooms can achieve one hundred percent satisfaction.

– Henry & Bernie discuss they have had plenty of practice with washing their dad’s car when they were younger.

HENRY: Dad, we’re gonna make you proud. . .or at least less ashamed.

Okay, I approve of Henry’s character.

– The rest of teams are still eating. Everyone is struggling. Kapil insists the race makes you do crazy things.

– Commercial break.

– Lots of retching. Luckily we do not see most of the vomiting when it takes place.

mallory vomit

Even Mallory cannot handle this task.

thailand kapil asrani

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

– We should note Papa Niroo vomited seconds earlier.

– Pailin & Natalie finish in second. Geoff 26 is still finishing his final bites in third as Tisha 31 reads the clue. Geoff 26 pretends he vomits as he bends over on the street. He finally stops and gets a move.

– Pailin & Natalie are second into the taxi thanks to making up time on a task where everybody vomits out food.

thailand pailin natalie 2

Should we really be impressed that two Miss Universe contestants excelled at a task that required you to vomit out your food?

NATALIE: Cheer for Team Thailand!

I feel bad for Mai & Oliver.

– We return to some more vomiting.

TANIA: If I don’t dance I’ll puke.

thailand kapil asrani 2

If only Kapil knew about this earlier.

– Shockingly, Fuzzie does not appreciate an eating task. Him and A.D. finish the task in fifth. Mai & Oliver have it in fourth. Ida & Tania are sixth. Mai probably ate twice her body weight.

thailand oliver

Not when you’ve got a guy who is willing to carry your bags for you because of that boo-tay.

– Mai & Oliver enter a taxi. Oliver lays some ground rules.

thailand mai oliver 2

That’s right. He ain’t your Edwin, biatch.

thailand mai oliver 3

That’s right, Oliver. You won’t mind carrying her bags. After all the only task you have to do next for your physically unfit partner is to wash and clean a 22-seat passenger bus. No sweat.

– I like how exhausted everyone looks. Isaac & William use their godly powers to finish seventh. Neena & Amit have a graceful finish as both of them admit to vomiting their entire meal at the end.

– Eight teams are now in taxis en route. Neena & Amit beg for the driver to hurry about 200, 000 times. Sam & Vince finish the task in ninth. Niroo & Kapil are done in tenth. Vince is given a key to open the taxi trunk to place their bags. They are upset.

VINCE: I have a scorpion leg in my teeth somewhere.
*
WILLIAM: You got your daily protein.
*
BERNIE: The wormy things are. . .
HENRY: Maggots.
BERNIE: I ate maggots.
HENRY: You ate maggots.

The important thing is that she did not fail at eating them.

– Geoff 26 tells the driver that he will pay them 200 bahn to run Henry & Bernie off the road. He does not quite follow the orders as he merely passes Henry & Bernie.

– Mai & Oliver are first to Caltex. The buckets are inside the store mart.

MAI: You’ve got to be kidding me.

Yeah, Mai did not quite understand the clue.

– Amit does nothing except splash a bucket against the side of the bus. The top eight teams are there. Most of them in bare feet.

NATALIE: My maid would be so proud.

Production is not even attempting to hide that this cast is full of mactresses, eh?

– Each team only has one bucket so it takes a lot of trips for water to wash it. Natalie continues to do her fair share of the work.

thailand pailin natalie 3

Hey, somebody needs to do the down and dirty task of ladder leaning.

I should note I worked at a job two years ago where I had to operate a ten foot ladder daily, and most of the time I was alone when using them. And they would wobble a bit. I can assure you that I would be laughed at if I helped somebody stabilize a stepladder.

WILLIAM: I didn’t expect a walk in the park, but a bowl full of insects and two storey bus?

FUZZIE: I don’t clean my own room. My mom does it.

Whoa. NEET alert.

– Henry & Bernie’s driver is asking for directions. Sam & Vince got off at the wrong exit and draws a picture of a car getting gas. It is their Pictionary skills coming into play. Henry & Bernie’s driver asks for directions at a different gas station.

– Nightfall. Neena & Amit are washing buses. Amit curses at Neena in Hindi or Punjabi or something unintelligible. Seriously, I think he is trying to speak English but his teeth are so close together when he clenches them that we cannot understand a word he says.

– Sam & Vince are at the gas station. Everyone is there now. Pailin compares it to smelling like oatmeal. She thinks it is an oatmeal body scrub as Natalie complains she has dirt in her eye from doing nothing.

– Geoff 26 gets up on the stepladder to scrub. He is afraid of heights and asks Tisha 31 to grab his hand.

thailand geoff tisha

Being on a stepladder frightens you?

That is nothing. Two years ago I worked at a discount store where I had to be in a warehouse retrieving boxes from a ten foot ladder. Most of the time the ladder was wobbly, and I usually needed both hands to transport the box down.
.
.
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Oh right. I already talked about that.

– Isaac comments it is raining. All ten teams cheer as the rain comes down.

HENRY: The rain did not help us physically but helped us mentally.

– Guess who decided being in a tropical climate did not warrant waterproof mascara?

thailand natalie

Miss Universe Anti-Waterproof.

– When Sam was tired, Vince stepped up. He said he was like a munchkin or a Super Smurf in Power when washing the bus.

HENRY: Get down low and go go go.

Sounds like hip hop lyrics.

– It is odd to see nightfall on Opening Day when we are only in the middle of the second location. Usually the race begins somewhere between eight and ten in the morning. Either Bangkok traffic is horrendous or they started late in the afternoon.

Perhaps this is the toughest race ever because not only are they cleaning a car instead of a bus, but they are making them clean it at night as opposed to day.

TANIA: Even heiresses can wash buses.

Even? I just assumed it was one of their natural abilities.

– Henry mocks them that they have not washed their own buses in years. One of the Caltex supervisors gets too friendly with Bernie.

thailand bernie

Bernie has never failed at supervisors inappropriately touching her arm.

– Henry & Bernie may have been eighth or ninth or tenth there, but they are the first ones done washing the bus. They read that they must travel by a newly washed charter bus to Wat Phai Rong Wua. They will select one of three departure times.

thailand bus

Free labour is nothing new to Thailand.

thailand names

I wonder who had the wonderful job of  typing everyone’s names in Times New Roman font?

– The first two buses have three teams each. The final bus takes the last four teams. The time gap is not specified. Henry has the loudest celebration possible when he slaps a name on the board.

– Mai & Oliver finish second. Oliver struggles to pronounce it even though he is Thai.

MAI: Sign up for one of three charter buses? What is that?
OLIVER: I don’t know.

rotorua french born aurelia chenat 8

If French Born Aurelia spoke Thai, she could tell them the Thai word for it.

– The sign-up sheet twenty feet in front of the buses. I mean, they are taking three of the washed buses to the location. So guess what Mai & Oliver do?

– Neena & Amit finish the task in third, but yet they are second to sign up for Bus #1.

thailand mai oliver 4

Oh my god. This might be one of the single dumbest things I have ever seen in TAR history. Have they not watched a single minute of The Amazing Race before filming? And how did they miss Henry yelling “WE ARE ON THE FIRST BUS!” approximately twenty paces away from everyone washing buses? Like wouldn’t they see Henry & Bernie just standing there?

– Pailin & Natalie finish the task in fourth. I assume all three slots on bus number one have been taken. We go back to Mai & Oliver reading the clue while riding in the taxi.

– Commercial break.

– We resume with Mai & Oliver still in the cab. Oliver tells Mai to go back to the Caltex Gas Station. Yep, they finally caught on.

facepalm brenchel

Facepalm.

– Luckily they are from Thailand so it is easy to communicate with their taxi driver. It could have been much worse.

thailand uncle

mac its always sunny in philadelphia

Now when you say ‘uncle’ do you mean your uncle uncle or just your uncle?

– Oliver tells us about how they stupid they felt because of that mistake. Mai agrees. The first bus departs.

BUS #1

HENRY & BERNIE
NOT MAI & OLIVER
NEENA & AMIT
PAILIN & NATALIE

– The supervisor tells Tia Carrere–er, Tisha 31 it is not quite clean. Geoff 26 asks for a hug when he receives the clue seconds later. The hug is denied. Ida & Tania pretty much splash the water over themselves like a wet T-shirt contest to receive the next clue.

– Mai & Oliver successfully take the last spot on Bus #2 due to Mai running ahead as Oliver carried both bags again. The bus leaves immediately. If I was dead last I would take as long as I possibly could just to piss off the other teams.

BUS #2

GEOFF 26 & TISHA 31
IDA & TANIA
MAI & OLIVER

thailand mai oliver 5

He sure loves to mug for the camera. Being on TAR Asia 3 is his big break.

– Mai says she has never cleaned anything in her life. Not even her bicycle.

Not even a bicycle? I was hoping for a more extreme example like her face or her armpits.

– Fuzzie claims this is the dirtiest he has ever been in his life.

thailand fuzzie

Welcome to the outdoors, Fuzzie.

– A.D. says she is OCD and that the idea of not having clean clothes for a few weeks is freaking her out. Imagine if she was on Survivor. William literally makes a big splash as all of the supervisors and production crew laugh as Isaac is soaked.

thailand splash

thailand splash 2

Drip down, O heavens, from above, And let the clouds pour down.”

– Isaac & William are approved in seventh. A.D. & Fuzzie are done in eighth. They sign up for the final bus. Niroo & Kipal are done too butdo it on an empty stomach. Sam & Vince enlist the help of Niroo & Kapil to finish the last bus.

– The third bus leaves immediately. My assumption is that each bus left as soon as the final team for that bus was on board. I wish they did that in every TAR premiere. That is neat.
thailand bus 2

There you have it, folks. Four all-male teams were cast for this season, and all four of them are on the final bus. This is like the anti-TAR 24.

And why did they drop the ‘E’ in Fuzzie? Isn’t that a common name?

And where in the world did they get ‘Kaps’ from ‘Kapil’? I had no idea that was the common nickname for that.

– The first bus arrives at its destination. They have the clue. They must search amongst the Buddhist statues for their next clue.

thailand night

For the first time ever, TAR busts out the night vision goggles.

– One would expect that there would not be that many buddhas, right?

thailand buddha 2

bubba sparx

Buddha buddha buddha rockin everywhere rockin everywhere. . .

– Allan informs us that this temple is located in the Suphanburi Province which is known as the City of Gold.

goldmember

I love gollllld.

– It is known for being at the forefront of battles between the fourteenth and eighteenth centuries. The bus they arrived on will depart twenty minutes after they set foot in the temple. Otherwise they must wait for the following bus.

Yeah. I have never heard of that before.

– The clock is ticking. Everyone has their flashlights out. Amit comments on the dogs howling.

– The second bus arrives. I wonder if you find the clue before the first bus departs that you can leapfrog to the first bus? I never thought a task involving buses could be confusing.

OLIVER: What’d they say about the buses?
MAI: Let’s just find the clue. F— the buses.

Even Mai is tired of production’s obsession over the Caltex buses.

– Six teams are there. Who will find it first?

thailand mai oliver 6

I guess if you are Thai and are Buddhist, you would be at the front of the line to be rewarded with good karma.

– Oliver reads that they must take the next available bus to the Chiang Mai bus terminal.

pikmin

A trip to Chiang Mai? Hello TAR 2!

– Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 are second to find the clue. Both teams board the bus. Oliver is not excited to see them.

GEOFF 26: Boyakusha!

– Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 brag about the fact that the only two teams on the first bus came from bus two. Yeah, not confusing at all.

BUS #1

MAI & OLIVER (Bus #2 originally)
GEOFF 26 & TISHA 31 (Bus #2 originally)

The metro system and the taxi service must be pissed by the bus service being promoted today.

– Henry & Bernie do not fail as they are third to find the clue. They succeeded to be on the second bus.

BUS #2

HENRY & BERNIE (Bus #1 originally)

It departs.

– Ida & Tania wonder how many clues they went past as they walk by clue after clue after clue.
thailand clue

It’s not a matter of finding the correct Buddha, but rather to figure out where the lighting crews are set up in the middle of a pitch black night.

– In fact Ida & Tania go past so many Buddhas that they find themselves way off track amongst the statues.

thailand tania

Whoa! I wouldn’t suggest being amongst the Shadaloo Buddhas. That spells trouble with a capital Tiger Uppercut.

– Neena & Amit are fourth to find a clue. Ida asks Neena & Amit if they have to wait for them. They say yes. Ida then asks if she can help them then. They decline.

Really? That’s how it works.

TISHA 31: They now have to wait for every single person to find their next clue.
GEOFF 26: That’s pretty messed up but THAT’S THE RULES OF THE RACE AROUND THE WORRRRLD.

Jesus. Er, Buddha. Production sounds really really really really stupid. Seven teams now fighting for last.

– Natalie hates knowing that their lead is gone as they had to wait for the final bus.

– Commercial break.

– Bus number three arrives. Neena gathers the four all-male teams and tells them that they need to hurry up and find the clue because they cannot leave until everyone finishes. This is such a bizarre situation. We see teams who have already completed the task now trailing the teams and helping them find another clue. Neena tells them that the distance they are traveling is roughly eight hours.

thailand crowd

The nightly briefing with Neena as she prepares her troops for the task at hand.

– Ida & Tania are sixth to have the clue. They quickly run back and see if there is a bus left. Niroo & Kapil are seventh to the clue. The next clue will be at the Chiang Mai bus station.

– Sam & Vince wonder if the clue will be on the same statue. Isaac & William are eighth to the clue. Fuzzie dreads the idea of maybe moving rocks. They have a clue. Sam & Vince are dead last.

– The seven teams board the final bus. They cheer. As Bill Gaghan would say, “we are all tied for last place!”

BUS #3

A.D. & FUZZIE (BUS #3 ORIGINALLY)
SAM & VINCE (BUS #3 ORIGINALLY)
NIROO & KAPIL (BUS #3 ORIGINALLY)
SAM & VINCE (BUS #3 ORIGINALLY)
NEENA & AMIT (BUS #1 ORIGINALLY)
PAILIN & NATALIE (BUS #1 ORIGINALLY)
IDA & TANIA (BUS #2 ORIGINALLY)

It is great to see the teams are spread out across the three buses.

– Allan says Chiang Mai is 585 kilometres from Bangkok. Long bus ride, no doubt.

TANIA: For me the toughest thing was just knowing that we’d be spending the night sleeping on a really bouncy, smelly, bumpy bus. The last time I was on a bus was at noon from London to Oxford. . .and it was only an hour and a half.

thailand tania 2

If you were Whoopi Goldberg, you could click your ruby red slippers to go back to London.

– The first bus arrives during the day at Chiang Mai. It is a Detour. Race or Rice. Time to check in with Allan once again.

thailand allan wu 5
I wonder if Allan encourages production to have farming tasks each season just so he can put on a wife-beater and show off his wuscles.

– In Race, teams must drive an offroad buggy through an eight kilometre track to receive their next clue. Teams will not find it physically demanding, but navigation around the terrain will be key.

thailand detour

It looks like a motorized carriage rather than a buggy.

– In Rice, teams pound rice into paste and make two rice balls. The rice balls are small, but pounding the rice is back-breakingly difficult.

thailand rice

Ooo! Mashed potatoes!

ALLAN: Teams that find themselves staggering will be left in a sticky state.

– Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 decide to stick with Mai & Oliver because they have no idea what anything is in the clue. So they take a taxi together in something that looks like a jeepney. They go do rice.

– HENRY: I get to cook!
BERNIE: No, you get to make a paste.

Bernie didn’t fail at correcting Henry. What a good sister.

– Mai & Oliver and Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 begin doing the rice task.

thailand rice 2

Smashing rice with a judge’s gavel seems like one of the more strenuous tasks offered on Thai farms.

crystal cox rice

Afterwards, you must eat yo rice.

– How is Mai able to motivate herself to do a task that involves physical labour?

thailand mai

This is why we do not give Mai sharp objects.

– Oliver’s gavel breaks during the task.

thailand rice 3

As production said, this season will involve such hard work that it will bust your (rice) balls.

– Henry & Bernie join the other two teams at the Rice task. Oliver complains about his blister. They put on gloves.

MAI: Don’t overdo it. Rest.
OLIVER: Uh, no, we can’t.

– The third bus is now in Chiang Mai. Natalie said an eleven hour bus ride with the other teams was pretty gruelling.  Henry tells Bernie to switch spots because he can hit harder.

– Everyone chooses Rice except for Neena & Amit from what we hear briefly. Everyone is in a scramble to hire taxis/jeepneys.

thailand jeepney

See? Don’t they have that jeepney look?

– Mai & Oliver said the task hurts like hell. But they finish the task. They must make their way to the Ratchaphruek World Garden. It is named after Thailand’s national flower. The first team to check in may be eliminated, but we know it is bogus because every season of TAR Asia never eliminates anybody in the opening round.

thailand ratchaphruek

Yeah, I didn’t make that word up.

– Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 have finished the task. Away they go. Henry & Bernie says pounding rice is not an easy task.

– Geoff 26 wants Tisha 31 to ask the driver how much the fare will be right now since the two teams are together, and whoever is stuck with the bill will automatically lose the foot race.

taxi korea not thinking

It is much easier to share a cab to the pit stop in first rather than last, eh?

– Henry & Bernie is done. Henry takes the rice balls with them.

HENRY: You know what this would be good with? A side of scorpions.

thailand henry bernie

Bernie succeeds at not laughing at the lame joke.

– Geoff 26 and Oliver decide to do rock-paper-scissors. Henry knows worst case scenario is third. Geoff 26 sees Henry & Bernie right behind them. Multiple F-bombs are dropped. They are driving alongside each other.

GEOFF 26: Dammit it is like Mad Max.

thailand mad max

mad max

Yep. Just like Mad Max but minus the anti-semitics.

thailand allan wu 6

Meanwuile. . .

– Teams ask loudly where gate three is. I guess that is the name of the entrance that they must enter through their clue.

thailand alliance

But the alliance prevails.

thailand paula

 

EDITOR’S NOTE: Whoa. Paula Taylor, the Thai contestant from TAR Asia 2, is serving as the pit stop greeter for the first round of TAR Asia 3 here in Chiang Mai. Thanks to Eamon for pointing it out.

 

– Geoff 26 & Tisha 31 are well ahead of Mai, but Oliver beat everyone to the mat. He crashes onto the mat.

thailand oliver 2

There you shall find Nancy Hoyt, Margaretta Groark, and Henry Reed for us.

– But neither team checks in. They set their bags down and prepare to rock-paper-scissor for first place.

thailand ladies

endurance hawaii

Rock-paper-scissors to determine who does not receive a prize? Did they get that idea from Endurance?

– It is one of the funnier games of Rock-paper-scissors I have ever seen. The two women face off but they fling their arms ridiculously high up for the count. A normal person keeps their arm between chest and neck level during each count, but both women fling their arms over their head.

thailand rock paper scissors

One. . .

thailand rock paper scissors 2

Two. . .

thailand rock paper scissors 4

Three!

thailand rock paper scissors 3

We won! Rock smashed scissors, biatch!

– The greeter and Mai communicate in Thai. They are really loud when they hear they are number one.

FIRST: MAI & OLIVER

thailand mai oliver 7

Who the f— does Oliver think he is?

ken street fighter 2

Ken from Street Fighter 2?

– Allan brings them more good news. For winning the first round they have each earned a Standard Chartered VISA credit card worth 2, 500 US dollars each.

thailand prize

That’s right. TAR Asia 3’s prize money is the same as TAR 24. Gone are the days where each person received five grand for a total of ten thousand dollars.

SECOND: GEOFF 26 & TISHA 31

thailand geoff tisha 2

For some reason Geoff 26 still wants to pick scissors. He loses again because they do in fact finish second for this round. Allan reminds them that they lost five thousand dollars. Tisha 31 said that they helped them in Thailand and that she wants to play fair.

THIRD: HENRY & BERNIE

– Both are relieved.

ALLAN: I told you it would be a hard race.
BERNIE: No way. In my wildest thought I would not think it would be so difficult.

– Well, three teams are down. Let’s check in with the other seven–

thailand mai oliver 8

Wait, wuh?

OLIVER: So you’re giving up? What are you talking about, Mai? I thought we were gonna do this. You don’t see that I’ve been DYING here for you! All I can say is ‘I am tired’.

thailand mai oliver 9

Does she not remember I have done eighty percent of the work this round?
MAI: You just f—ing complaining ‘I carry your bags it is so heavy’ blah blah blah. So don’t carry my f—ing bag then.
OLIVER: I didn’t complain, okay?
MAI: Yes you did. ‘Oh Mai, you didn’t do s—. Wash half of that car’ blah blah blah. You made some good decisions that’s all you did.

thailand mai oliver 10

Oliver gestures to the camera operator if they can use the credit cards to relax and purchase some Mai Thais during the pit stop.

phuket mel mike 2

She’s not done yet.

MAI: So don’t f—ing carry my bag next time. I don’t want you to because you’re f—ing complaining after carrying my bag. It’s my bag.
OLIVER: JUST DON’T COMPLAIN WHEN I’M DOING EVERYTHING, OKAY? DON’T COMPLAIN.
MAI: Why do you have to be the leader? Are you the leader?
OLIVER: I’M NOT THE LEADER! I’M TIRED!

thailand mai oliver 11

Veins are poppin. . .

lil mama

My veins are be poppin,
When I finish class,
I chase girls angrily after school
Cause my veins are poppin
They’re poppin. . .

– Mai closes it out in the best diva way possible.

MAI: . . .You know what? F— that.
(MAI leans back against the tree casually.)

thailand mai oliver 12

Oddly enough, the only fan of Mai & Oliver sits in Mai’s hands after that fight.

– Neena & Amit exit the cab and ask for directions. Turns out they were taken in the opposite direction completely. Ouch.

– Commercial break.

– Amit sits in the front with the cab driver. He chuckles as Amit tries to guide him.

– Isaac & William and Ida & Tania both arrive at the Race option of the Detour. It seems like quite a thrill.

thailand race

Surprisingly, neither team gets stuck in the mud.

finale adrian yap 5

I guess it is tougher to drive in sand.

– Niroo & Kapil, Vince & Sam, Pailin & Natalie, and A.D. & Fuzzie are all at Rice. Who knew Fuzzie would choose the one with food. Everyone complains of blisters. A.D. & Fuzzie and Niroo & Kapil both switch the Detour option after a producer puts a band-aid on Fuzzie’s palm.

thailand bandaid

Toughest. Race. Ever.

– Sam & Vince and Pailin & Natalie both finish the Detour.

– After being in dead last for nearly the whole episode, Sam & Vince are currently in fourth. That equalizer really saved their butt. Pailin & Natalie are in fifth.

thailand pailin natalie 4

Those rice balls will be their breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the next six days.

– Who is taking credit for Sam & Vince’s great performance?

thailand sam vince

This guy.

– Ida & Tania finish the Race task. They jump around like maniacs when they receive the clue. Currently sixth. Isaac & William admire the beautiful landscape that God created as they finish seventh. The clue is theirs.

– Natalie & Pailin pass Sam & Vince on the road. They blow kisses on the road and say how cute Sam & Vince are.

thailand vince

phuket mark 2

Looks like Vince is pulling a move out of Mark & Michael’s playbook by trying to woo the most prominent model team on the season.

thailand pailin natalie 5

Except unlike Jaime & Cara, and the fact Sam & Vince are not plain weird, this actually works.

thailand pailin natalie 6

Can you two teach me a lesson?

– Both teams exit. It is now a ruthless foot race.

FOURTH: PAILIN & NATALIE

– Strong finish.

FIFTH BUT NOT REALLY: SAM & VINCE

Like every freakin’ team before them, they bow multiple times for the greeter.

All is not well though.

ALLAN: On the way to the pit stop did you pay for your taxi?
VINCE: No, we didn’t know we had to pay for him. We thought he was a designated driver or something like that.

thailand sam vince 2

A designated driver? You -hired- the taxi? A designated driver like you are going out on the town for drinks? How in the world would you NOT be paying for the taxi? I am curious why they thought he was a provided driver like when TAR visits Tanzania and Mozambique where it is too unsafe for teams to drive.

ALLAN: You need to go back. Pay your taxi and come back here before I can check you in officially.

VINCE: It didn’t occur to either of us that we had to pay for our taxi.
SAM: We just didn’t read the clue the way we should have read it.

Does the clue really need to say “if you hire a taxi, you are expected to pay for the cab fare when you enter the pit stop”? And how did the taxi driver let them go like that without asking for payment?

– Neena & Amit, Niroo & Kapil and A.D. & Fuzzie both show up to the Race task. They are not in the same screen though so they must be 5-10 minutes apart. Lots of mud runs. Everything is going smoothly.

– We head back to the streets. Ida & Tania exit the cab, thank their driver, and run to the mat. William gives his taxi driver the most awkward hug I have ever seen in my life.

WILLIAM: Give us a hug.
(WILLIAM goes in for hug.)
LADY (not moving at all): Uh, yeah okay.

thailand isaac william

She is annoyed that she now has Christian Cooties!

– Ida & Tania yell something about a porter.

FIFTH: IDA & TANIA

– Allan gives them the news that they are team number five. Needless to say they are stoked. Neena & Amit have finished the Race task in eighth.

– A.D. & Fuzzie finish it in ninth. Niroo & Kapil finish last, but are in the same shot as them. Niroo & Kapil drive away before A.D. & Fuzzie.  Kapil screams to go fast numerous times.

– Fuzzie claims she has never felt dirtier in her life. A.D. does some fake crying over her pouch. Neena & Amit should pretty much be on the mat.

thailand neena amit

You know you have a bad taxi when they cannot find what is perhaps the biggest landmark in Chiang Mai.

– A.D. & Fuzzie enter the mat.

EIGHTH: A.D. & FUZZIE

ALLAN: A.D. & Fuzzie. . .
FUZZIE: Allan. . .
ALLAN: You are team number eight.
FUZZIE: Can we get a hug now?
ALLAN: Sure bring it in. Give it to me, give it to me okay.

Since when were they on such a first name basis?

thailand fuzzie 2

Everyone loves a good bromance.

thailand ad

I love how Allan follows Vince Vaughan’s monologue in Wedding Crashers by sticking his butt out when he hugs A.D.

– Down to two teams. In fact both teams are from India. Neena says the communication errors with the taxi have been troublesome. They keep saying for him to follow a flaaaaag.

– Niroo & Kapil stop at a gas station. Kapil is furious. He sees the Gardens in the distance.

KAPIL: Dood! Dood! You can’t do this!

– Hey, it’s just a quick trip at a gas station. Now what occurs is downright hilarious. Perhaps one of the most underrated split second events in TAR history.

You know how teams are pissed to lose a couple of minutes at a gas station right? The taxi driving up right next to the service station and filling up can be agonizing with every litre being poured into the vehicle. That is what happens on 99% of all trips.

– Well, this driver decides to double the inconvenience. Niroo & Kapil are both furious with him so if he wants to preserve his life he better fill up fast. He has the hose and prepares to fill up.

thailand hose

But the hose does not reach! Hysterical. I never thought that could happen. Everyone is as tense as they can be knowing it is a race for last, and when they thought things are going their absolute worst due to a side trip to a gas station, insult is added to injury by the hose not being long enough.

How many people have gone to a gas station, exited their car, and realize the hose is out of range of the vehicle? Nobody in real life is ever dumb enough to do that. Kapil pretty much flips out. Niroo somewhat keeps his cool.

snoop dogg

He would never make a mistake like that. I know he always keep his hose nice and close.

– Neena & Amit are equally unhappy with their driver.

AMIT: The first time he said ‘I know the place I know the place’ and he took us somewhere else.

It is funnier if you hear it in their accent.

thailand amit

And this angle makes his arm look HUGE.

– Niroo & Kapil also ramble in an East Indian accent about how the driver refused to fill up the tank to anything less than full. Both teams hope other teams got lost.

– Both teams are shown leaving their cabs seconds apart, but not in the same shot. So who avoids being last on a non-elimination round?

thailand niroo kapil

They are happy. Niroo says a bunch of stuff but I cannot understand a word of it. Allan says he is happy to see such a positive reaction.

– Neena & Amit have the slowest walk up the stairs I have ever seen.

thailand neena amit 2

jacqueline bisset

Jacqueline Bisset is making her way to the pit stop too. God this might take a while. Who will reach the top of the steps first?
.
.
.
.
probst bored
.
.
jacqueline bisset 3
.

thailand neena amit 3

Hurry up Neena & Amit, you may not be last after all! She is still talking to Jon Voight!

.
jacqueline bisset 2

Holy s—. Jacqueline even made it to the top of the steps first.

– Damn.

LAST: NEENA & AMIT

thailand neena amit 4

Last is indeed theirs, but c’mon Allan, we know the non-elimination is coming.

ALLAN: You are the tenth and final team to arrive. I am sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the race.

WHAT!!!! This -is- the toughest race ever. They’re gone. Kaput. No second chances. You’re out after just one round in Thailand.

AMIT: Our slogan to follow for the race was “Amit and Neena the one and only”. So I guess it was “Amit and Neena the one. . .and only”. Thanks for the experience guys.

idgi but they have a good laugh over it.

– Okay. So let’s see how our teams look at the end of the round.

thailand neena amit 5

thailand mai oliver 11

Which team do you think won five thousand dollars and which one was eliminated in their post-race interview?

Next Time on TAR: Get ready for a ninety minute special episode. Out of toughness comes an unlikeable hero. And teams crack under pressure.

Holy riceballs. We have a ninety minute episode that is neither the premiere nor the finale? This is crazy.

CONFESSIONAL COUNT

IDA.TANIA 1.2
VINCE.SAM 3.4
PAILIN.NATALIE 1.6
NEENA.AMIT 3.4
A.D..FUZZIE 4.5
HENRY.BERNIE 3.2
ISAAC.WILLIAM 1.3
NIROO.KAPIL 3.2
GEOFF26.TISHA31 2.5
MAI.OLIVER 6.5

Team Averages

Bulls—
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A
— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Preston & Jennifer 11.0
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0
11th Ari & Staella 11.0
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0
11th John & Scott 11.0
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
10th Edwin & Monica 10.0 (Only team to finish last for the first two rounds of the race.)
10th Neena & Amit 10.0
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0
10th A Black Family 10.0
— F +–
10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????)
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.)
10th Kate & Pat 9.0
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
9th Marianna & Julia 8.33
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8 – Yielded
8th Marisa & Brooke 7.75 – Sucked.
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Aiello Family 7.0
8th Singaporean Sophie & French Born Aurelia 7.0 (French Born Aurelia sadly does not know the English words for ‘team averages’. :/)
–D minus–
8th Tom & Terry 7.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0 R.I.P. Margaretta
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
9th Rogers Family 6.5
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5
6th Henry & Terri 6.44 Used Their Yield; Finished last on a non-elimination round THREE times. R.I.P. Henry.
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
9th Brett & Kinar 6.33
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25
7th Aja & Cabbie 6.2
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF
–D+–
10th Ernie & Jeena 6.0
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
7th Daichi & Sawaka 5.83
7th Dave & Lori 5.83
5th Kami & Karli 5.8
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
7th Shana & Jennifer 5.8 Used U-Turn
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67 R.I.P. Nancy.
6th Gaghan Family 5.5
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
8th Sahil & Prashant 5.4 FF
–C minus–
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33
7th Gus & Hera 5.29
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
8th Lorena & Jason 5.25 U-Turned
3rd Andrew & Dan 5.18
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
6th Kelly & Christy 5.14
7th Ray & Deana – 5.0 FF
7th Melody & Sharon 5.0
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
9th Mark & Bill 5.0 – Wah.
5th Fran & Barry 4.89
6th Howard & Sahran 4.88
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85 – Yielded
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
7th Teri & Ian All Stars 4.83
7th Schroeder Family 4.75
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71 – Used Yield
6th Brian & Greg 4.71
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF and Used Yield and Yielded
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
5th Paula & Natasha 4.45
5th Uchenna & Joyce All Stars 4.33 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
–B minus–
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23
3rd Nicolas & Donald 4.18 FF and U-Turned
4th Linda & Karen 4.17
3rd Charla & Mirna All Stars 4.15
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF and Used Yield
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11
5th Andy & Laura 4.00 – Yielded
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
2nd Pamela & Vanessa 3.92
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
1st Zabrina & Joe Jer 3.77
2nd Sandy & Francesca 3.77 – Used Yield
4th Diane & Ann 3.75 – Yielded
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
–B+–
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
5th Kynt & Vyxsin 3.63 Used Yield
1st Eric & Danielle All Stars 3.62 – Yielded Twice
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56
4th Joseph & Monica 3.50 – Yielded
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46 – Used Yield and Yielded
2nd Ronald & Christina 3.45
4th Nathan & Jennifer 3.40 – Never finished in 1st
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
1st Chip & Kim 3.38 – Used Yield
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31
5th Terence & Sarah 3.25
1st TK & Rachel 3.18
4th Godlewski Family 3.18
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17 – Used Yield
–A minus–
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 3.17
3rd Weaver Family 3.15 – Yielded Twice
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF
4thToni & Dallas 3.10 Still in Russia
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00 – Yielded
6th Azaria & Hendekea 3.00
4th Hayden & Aaron 2.92
2nd Dustin & Kandice All Stars 2.92 – Used Yield
2nd Bransen Family 2.85
1st Linz Family 2.77 – Used Yield
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
–BEST OF THE BEST–
8th Rob & Amber All Stars 2.75 – Used Yield
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny All Stars 2.67 FF x2 and Used Yield
2nd Ken & Tina 2.64 FF
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF and Yielded
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF and Used Yield
1st Nick & Starr 2.45 FF
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31
1st Adrian & Collin 2.23 FF
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF
lol 3rd Marc & Rovilson 1.46 Used Yield and Yielded

Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)

11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF
18 legs Danielle 4.78
19 legs Teri & Ian 4.63 FF
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF
20 legs Charla & Mirna 4.00 None
21 legs Joe & Bill 3.71 FF
22 legs Uchenna & Joyce 3.64 FF x2
*31 legs Eric & Danielle 3.48 FF
23 legs Oswald & Danny 3.30 FF x3!
25 legs Dustin & Kandice 3.04 None
26 legs Eric 2.65 FF
17 legs Rob & Amber 2.41 None

* I determined Eric & Danielle’s average in this last section by adding up all of their individual points from TAR 9, then adding up their total points in All Stars and dividing it by 31.

Rank the Teams

1) Neena & Amit

A very likeable team. The last cousins to race on TAR were Charla & Mirna.
.
.
.
Yeah, those are impossible shoes to fill.

Neena & Amit were not shown much even in their one episode run. They were genuinely enjoying themselves, asked for directions as often as they could when their taxi was lost at the end, and they performed well at every task.

It really is just a case of a strong team going early due to multiple bad taxis.

I wish them nothing but the best.

Rank the Legs

1) Bangkok, Thailand -> Chiang Mai, Thailand

Thailand makes a rare appearance at this point in the TAR franchise. Only the fourth appearance total for a relatively safe country at the time.

Tuk-tuks may be the least flattering way to take teams to the starting line. Unless production will be going for a gritty and rough motif all season long, tuk-tuks go against the epic nature of TAR’s opening cinematography.

This has to be the most disgusting opening task to a season. It should be a difficult task halfway through a season. I find it odd that it is not only a food eating task, but results in half of the teams vomiting. I think Pailin & Natalie did so well because they had not eaten any food since the conclusion of the last pageant.

Then we were glued to the buses for half of the round. The idea was executed so poorly that after a complicated formula for departures, seven out of ten teams were on the last bus together. Neena & Amit finished fourth on the Buddha Search task but had to wait hours for the trailing teams.

The Detour was original. Well, not doing an eight kilometre ATV course. But putting together those rice balls had never been done before, and seemed brutal on your back and hands.

The shortened hose at the gas station was hilarious, and it was really bizarre to see a first place team preparing to quit on the first leg. That has to be one of the more unbelievable things I have ever seen.

“You just won five THOUSAND dollars!”
“F— your VISAS, we quit.”

So yeah, a really tough premiere compared to the wimpy premiere in TAR 24, and it provided more than enough entertainment.

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