Episode 3: “Auckward Relationships”
She only knows the French word for ‘blog’.
Previously on TAR: On the way to the first challenge teams shared buses with the locals, but when it came to sharing buses with other teams they were not so happy. Steering a carabao through a muddy slalom course confused more than just the cow.
Adrian’s deafness was not his only handicap. He was providing gifts to the orphanage which touched the hearts of most teams. But looking for a Caltex Station lost Pamela & Vanessa precious time. Marc & Rovilson were first to the pit stop in their country, but Monica & Ed couldn’t catch up to the other teams. They were last to the pit stop, and were eliminated.
Nine teams still remain. Who will be the next to be eliminated?
– Intro time.
– Allan introduces us to Manila for a second time. We hear about Jose Rosale. Whoa. Ridiculous montage with sharp cuts occupies the next ten seconds. Are they trying to give me a seizure?
– Marc & Rovilson, who arrived first at 2:42pm, will depart at 2:42am. Marc reads that they must fly to Hong Kong. Once there they will find the Central Pier to receive their next clue. Rovilson accidentally hits the trunk on Marc’s head.
Classic case of colliding with trunk of a cab.
– Rovilson says that him and Marc expected to have big bullseyes on their back because they are visibly the most physically gifted racers on this season. Rovilson thinks it is all about race savvy and smarts which he thinks they lack.
I see Rovilson and Marc decided to casually show their national flag while doing confessionals.
– Paula & Natasha and Ann & Diane are shown checking out in an overlapping montage at 2:47am and 2:49am respectively. Both teams are in cabs and excited for it.
– Natasha believes it is cool to hang out with your best friend doing crazy things like this. Suddenly we go on to Pamela & Vanessa who depart at 2:51am and Adrian & Collin at 2:52am.
– Airport time at the Cathay Pacific counter. Marc & Rovilson book seats. Pamela & Vanessa request seats next to them because “they smell pretty”. The other three teams show up to the airport as well.
– Brett & Kinar begin the round in sixth at 3:21am. Kinar stumbles over reading the clue. They have a cab.
– Singaporean Sophie & French Born Aurelia begin at 350am.
SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE: Fly–
FRENCH BORN AURELIA: YEAHHHHHH!
French Born Aurelia, relax. She has only uttered in one syllable.
YEAH! A SYLLABLE! WOOO!
– They are excited to go to Hong Kong because they are from there. Them and Brett & Kinar show up to the airport as well.
– Daichi & Sawaka’s departure time is not shown as they read the clue. However, we see Henry & Terri’s.
Americans always have the right to a departure time.
Here I thought that anti-Japanese laws ended in the 1950s, but yet in 2009 we still see Japanese locked out of the same rights that everyone else receives.
– The top seven teams have flights. We see Henry & Terri and Daichi & Sawaka book tickets alongside each other.
TERRI (to DAICHI & SAWAKA): Watch out, guys.
TERRI: I get angry and angry. I’m not like this before. I always keep it to myself.
We proceed to see Terri taking her bags away because “she does not need to be anywhere near them”.
It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just that I don’t want them to touch me, to talk to me, or be in my vicinity at any point in my life.
Henry stops dead in his tracks. He is clearly not getting his way.
– Henry promises her that he will knock everyone down one by one. She thinks Henry wants everyone to look at them.
TERRI: It’s just like I told you, I’m watching EVERYBODY!
You hear me?
Classic lip biting.
– So what does she do after giving a lecture about not wanting to be distracted by other teams?
She forms a friendship circle with two of the other teams!
TERRI: He annoys me.
ASIAN JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT: That’s your husband. Remember that.
– Joseph–I mean Brett says that he is finding sides to other teams that they never knew were there. We see Henry & Terri tear up in the same positions as the previous screenshot.
– Henry says yelling should never happen within a family. He hates the yelling.
And those green pants are burning my eyes.
– Allan informs us that all nine teams are flying together 1, 117 kilometres to Hong Kong.
– Whoa. We cut right into Hong Kong. Brett & Kinar are the first team into a taxi. Brett brags that a strong relationship makes this race much easier.
– We see other teams enter the train.
– Brett & Kinar are first to the clue box. Kinar reading the clue is subtitled because she has the second least comprehensible accent behind French Born Aurelia.
Never has Brett received a lead role on a TV show since his time on 3rd Rock From the Sun.
Let’s take an aside to listen to such a catchy theme.
– Kinar reads (and subtitles) that they must head to the Standard Chartered Bank in Causeway Bay Hong Kong. Once there they must count the local currency correctly to receive their next clue.
What is up with Kinar’s sweater scarf?
Did she take fashion advice from Colton?
– Allan explains what Kinar just said. Marc & Rovilson are second to the box. Rovilson warns Marc to watch his head on the cab door. Adrian & Collin, Daichi & Sawaka, and MILFinators are all at the clue box.
ADRIAN: It is so amazing to watch positions change on The Amazing Race.
Coming up next: Adrian pees himself watching paint dry.
– Henry & Terri are sixth. Pamela & Vanessa seventh. Paula & Natasha eighth. Singaporean Sophie & French Born Aurelia are last, and prove their knowledge of the area means nothing. Pamela & Vanessa proceed to swipe a taxi as they head to the bank.
Vanessa is polite as she holds the door open for the newest shopping bag lady in TAR history.
Go back from where you came from, you Icelandic Marsh Digger!
– Virtually every team shows up to the currency counting task. Marc compares it to poker chips.
Leave it to a room full of Asians to properly count money.
– Stock suspense music plays. Watching teams count coins and. . .whatever currency they use in Hong Kong is not too thrilling. Pamela says that she counted the coins while Vanessa took care of the notes.
– Diane & Ann present their first guess. So do Adrian & Collin. It is wrong. Diane & Ann are wrong two more times.
– How much footage is edited out? Well, we see the exact time on the clock at one second and see it fade into another time.
Hong Kong Clock. Hong Kong Clock. Hong Kong Clock.
But seriously, that cut of the clock makes it look like this task is taking longer than that one kid’s interview from American Idol Juniors.
Don’t mess with the security guard.
I don’t get why we are seeing a close-up of his watch. What is that supposed to prove? That he has a fancy watch? You have to twist your head to see that it is 12:50pm.
– Daichi & Sawaka’s guess is correct. Sawaka reads that they must fly to Auckland, New Zealand. Yep, another trip for TAR Asia to New Zealand.
ALLAN: It is known as the City of Sails.
And here I thought there would be a clearance sale on kiwis.
– They must search for marked cars at the airport’s car park to find their next clue.
Why do teams always get to drive themselves in New Zealand? I suppose the low population density really helps.
– Henry & Terri are rejected. Singaporean Sophie is rejected. Diane & Ann are wrong again. Natasha says it took ten counts but they were still wrong. Marc & Rovilson are devastated when they were wrong.
Paula is. . .uh. . .intense, to say the least.
– Brett is annoyed that he does not know if it is wrong by ten cents or ten dollars.
You would think with a name like Brett Money that this task should be a piece of cake.
ROVILSON: I never wanna see money again.
Says a guy whose networth is hovering around a million bucks.
– Kinar is rejected. Marc & Rovilson however are correct. They are uber excited to find out the news that they are heading to New Zealand.
Show off those guns, son!
Bro hugs for all!
– Into the cab they go. Pamela & Vanessa are also correct. Diane & Ann know they have it right as they are in fourth. Henry & Terri are fifth. Paula & Natasha celebrate in the background as Henry reads the clue quietly.
HENRY: I don’t think I want to be rich.
Yeah. What a horrible lifestyle.
– Adrian & Collin are rejected.
– Brett & Kinar are correct. She moans, and jumps up and down as she rubs against Brett like she just ate some balut.
Ladies and gentlemen, the many emotions of Brett Money.
– Singaporean Sophie & French-Born Aurelia are the only team to celebrate loudly upon receiving their clue. All other teams tried to contain their excitement as much as possible, but dang, they were just loud. As they exit they tell Adrian & Collin to not give up.
They are lonelier than a Mormon in a Swedish hay bale field.
And how is this -beyond- mathematics? They are counting money and adding up totals. Isn’t that exactly what mathematics is all about?
– Adrian & Collin finally finish. All nine teams are in cabs. Now they all show up at the airport.
ALLAN: All nine teams are on the same flight from Hong Kong to Auckland, New Zealand. A journey of 9, 339 kilometres.
That trip will go by in no time.
– But seriously, why go to Hong Kong for one lousy task and have a second equalizer for the round? I hate it when a gruelling task that involves a lot of skill and attention to detail will have nothing to do with the outcome of this round.
Plus we miss out on ANOTHER opportunity to meet Fei Long or do some other martial arts tasks in Hong Kong. And what about that panda bear just west of the city? Ahm pissed.
– The 9, 339 kilometre trip goes by in two seconds.
That lone man in front of the Kiwi Parthenon must have an interesting story.
– Teams run to the car park. Brett thinks he spots it but is wrong.
– Henry & Terri read that they must travel to Howick Historical Village. Here is where there are 30 historical buildings to provide visitors the experience of Auckland’s early settlers. This is where they will find their next clue.
“She thinks my top hat is sexy!”
– Marc asks for directions. Rovilson tells us that real men ask for directions. A minivan next to them is willing to lead them to the location. Marc insists that the location would be otherwise impossible to find.
– Brett & Kinar are still at the airport looking for the cars.
KINAR: We have to look one by one!
Maybe it is hidden inside the bushes. . .
– Commercial break.
– We return to see Kinar spotting the cars.
Yeah, the marked car park definitely did not stand out.
– They are currently in last. Adrian & Collin meanwhile are following another local. Marc feels sorry for anyone who does not have any locals to use.
– Marc & Rovilson are first to the historical village. They must use the Sony Cybershot to photograph three items and hand the photos over to the Top Hat Man in the courthouse to receive their next clue.
But first he is disciplining Mark & Michael for accidentally breaking Auckland law.
– Marc & Rovilson take a photo of the first item–a portrait.
– Speaking of Asians, do you want to see Diane & Ann’s parking job?
That poor pylon never stood a chance.
– The second item is a picture of a woman.
ROVILSON: If anybody can find a woman, it’s Marc.
– Diane & Ann have their first photo. Adrian & Collin thank their driver by. . .
Who the f— helped them? Pete’s dragon?
– Pamela & Vanessa are receiving directions from a local. Adrian & Collin begin the Sony task. Singaporean Sophie & French-Born Aurelia, and Paula & Natasha are now at the route marker too.
– Everybody enters a cafe on-site to ask for the locations of their items.
– Specifically Mary Sims is the one that the top three of six teams are seeking.
Mary is a bit busy developing a house for herself at the moment.
– The third item is “Pope for a Pig”. Apparently it refers to a sausage place. Henry & Terri are sixth to the route marker.
– Paula & Natasha have found a Pope for a Pig. Many teams have that one now. Too tough to keep track of who is ahead.
– Pamela & Vanessa are seventh to the heritage site.
The graveyard of Mary is shown. Wow. Her husband really could not handle being in a house with her for long.
Poke for a Pig. I guess that makes more sense than ‘Pope’. I’ll blame it on French-Born Aurelia’s accent.
– And with that, Sony’s Cybershot advertisement is over with for this round.
Now make room for more Caltex!
– Henry and Vanessa work together to find a headstone of Mary. Marc & Rovilson have presented their clue to the Top Hat Man.
TOP HAT MAN: Your evidence is correct. Here is your next clue.
ROVILSON: Thank you, Abe.
“And Rovilson my boy, let me examine that shiny head of yours. . .”
– Marc reads the clue. It is a Roadblock. Rovilson is doing it. In this one that person must do a giant leap of faith and jump 40 metres off of the Auckland Bridge.
Yeah. Not very original, I know.
Auckwardly positioned camera.
Watch out Marc & Rovilson, there is a new ladies man in town.
– Marc has wanted to do the bridge bungy jump in New Zealand for so long. He proclaims his hatred for Rovilson.
– French-Born Aurelia and Ann trade each of their missing photos. We see French-Born Aurelia trade again. Smart move to stay with the main group rather than fall behind.
ROADBLOCK HINT: Who is ready to take the plunge?
– Henry & Terri trade with Adrian & Collin.
– Diane & Ann receive their clue. Ann finds Diane to be fearless so Diane will take the plunge.
– Daichi & Sawaka are eighth to a route marker for the twentieth time this season. Seriously. Are they ever not eighth for more than ninety percent each round?
– Paula & Natasha are done. Natasha is doing the plunge. She is ecstatic. We see her celebrate for a good twenty seconds. Singaporean Sophie is the fourth to volunteer for the Roadblock. Terri instantly volunteers for her team. Adrian is next.
– Ann asks a woman on the street to direct her to the street.
– Pamela & Vanessa guide Daichi & Sawaka for whatever reason. Brett & Kinar have yet to arrive to the historic site as they ask for directions on the street.
– Kinar honks at a local who led her and Brett to the historic site.
– Ann has written down a question on a white sheet of paper.
Too bad she forgot to pack a black felt for anyone to read in broad daylight!
The lady casually peers over after Ann taps on the glass.
I believe the message reads “I AM AN ASIAN MILFinator WHO HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED. PLEASE HELP!!!!”
– The lady does not respond at all as the message is probably impossible to read due to the reflection of the sun.
– Terri is in the car reading over the clue.
HENRY: That’s good honey. You get to jump off the A.J. Hackett Bridge.
HENRY (confessional): ‘Take the plunge’. I think she thought water and said “I’m going to do it”.
So how does Terri feel knowing it is a heights task rather than a water task?
She has had better days.
TERRI: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO THIS THING.
HENRY: GODDAMN RIGHT I’M SUPPOSED TO DO IT. NOW YOU GOTTA DO IT. JUST DO IT.
TERRI: NO! YOUGOTTA–FDSJKSFDHH–AH! YOU JUMP YOURSELF!
– Commercial break.
– Vanessa is doing the plunge. Natasha is excited.
– Brett & Kinar show up to the historic site.
BRETT: Who do we ask? No one’s here?
You know tourism for the heritage site is not great when the presence of Joseph Gordon-Levitt does not attract a crowd.
– Ann gets out to ask a man for directions.
MAN: Sorry, just got here yesterday.
No help either.
– Daichi & Sawaka have all three photos. They are done. Sawaka is taking the plunge because Daichi is probably exhausted.
– Singaporean Sophie & French-Born Aurelia stop a line of traffic to get directions. Other teams start showing up to the bridge. Take a number, folks.
If you can’t find a marked car park, then it should be no surprise that you have now done two laps of the heritage site without finding an item.
BRETT: We did two laps before we said ‘okay, slow down. Let’s enjoy this.’
a) They never said that.
b) Nobody ever enjoys a trip to the heritage site. That was my least favourite field trip of each year during elementary school. Kids would bring money to buy jawbreakers at the General Store, and that would be about it.
– Ann has finally convinced a car to lead her to the bridge.
VANESSA: Look, there’s a bridge thingy there!
Also known as a bridge.
Rovilson loves some lovin’ from the women.
Natasha’s sisters are located at the bottom of this screen cap.
– We see Henry & Terri walk out to the bridge while wearing the American flag around them.
Who do they think they are? Chris Weidman?
Henry may want to consider visiting New Zealand again after the race.
Rovilson prepares to jump because he could not look less fearless. I think I hear a song playing in the background.
– Rovilson completes the jump.
Hey Ma, no hands!
– Brett & Kinar find a Poke for a Pig. Two more photos to go. Marc tells the instructor that he hopes to see him again.
– French-Born Aurelia parks the car.
FRENCH-BORN AURELIA: Yay! I didn’t kill anybody!
A Parisian woman operating a stick shift? I can see the pause for concern there.
The Watch at the Wall.
– They must scale the wall to retrieve one flag each. Afterwards one team member must climb the wall again to get their next clue.
And it won’t be Sahran.
This Detour option was just an excuse for Allan to show off his muscles.
– In Waka, teams must drive to Auckland’s Lake Pupuke.
A name that references both feces AND vomit, lovely.
– Once there, teams will pick an outrigger canoe traditionally known as the waka ama. They will then paddle themselves to collect three flags on a course and return to the start to receive their next clue.
Yeah. Rock climbing sounds easier. You can waste a ton of time paddling.
– Natasha completes the jump. Singaporean Sophie take `6`while Diane takes `7`.
– Terri completes the jump. Paula & Natasha read their clue in complete unison. Sawaka casually strolls to pick ‘8’. They are so freakin’ lazy.
– Vanessa screams as she finishes the jump. Brett only has photo number two while Marc & Rovilson are already at The Wall. Paula imitates the funny screams of the teams that follow them. Primarily Adrian’s deep scream.
– Marc has a flag. Apparently they go one at a time. Rovilson climbs up to get the second flag. Brett & Kinar are still at the heritage site. Rovilson has the clue.
– Marc reads that they must head to the Ascension Vineyard in Matakana. It is family run. This is where they will find their next clue.
The Detour appears to take no more than three minutes.
– Paula & Natasha are at The Wall. Diane completes the jump in seventh place. Natasha talks about how hot Paula is. This relationship is heading into an interesting direction.
– SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE: Well, I can rock climb but you can’t.
FRENCH-BORN AURELIA: I can rock climb.
SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE: You can rock climb?
FRENCH-BORN AURELIA: Yep.
Why did Singaporean Sophie think that French-Born Aurelia could not rock climb?
Maybe she just did not know the English word for it.
– Ann wants to rock climb so she can show off her MILFin’ muscles.
– Natasha slips and falls on the Wall. Henry & Terri are at the rock climb. Brett & Kinar FINALLY complete the heritage site task. Brett agrees to take the plunge.
– Rovilson shows off his favourite part of being on the race.
– Daichi has the clue. All eight teams have done the Roadblock.
– We go back to Natasha where corny Big Brother piano music plays. Paula comforts her and holds her tightly.
There’s no crying in rock climbing.
– Commercial break.
– We return to Natasha falling for a third time. She is not scared of big heights like bungy jumping, but rather small heights.
Well, fears of small heights could be attributed to falling off a stepladder or wobbly objects. Not fearing big heights is reasonably because you have equipment that offers much more stability.
– Ann decides to leave the rock climbing facility to do Waka instead of Wall. Singaporean Sophie and French Born Aurelia show up to the rock climbing facility.
SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE: You can’t climb!
FRENCH-BORN AURELIA: I did it twice and did it well.
SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE: You cannot know how to climb once.
Something tells me Singaporean Sophie is not listening.
– Natasha slips and changes tasks. We see Henry reach the very top and. . .
Brother just choked on a rock climb!
– He advises Terri for them to switch. She wants to make an attempt first.
HENRY: If you can do it, I’ll try again. But I don’t think you’ll do it.
Way to be positive!
Batting next, number 27, Terriiiiii Reeeeeeeed.
Aaaand she’s done in a grand total of 1.7 seconds.
Yeah. We’re switching.
– Pamela comes back down because she found it difficult. They switch.
TERRI: You picked the wall one, right?
HENRY: No, you picked the goddamn wall.
TERRI: I said YA-YA! Rowing!
– Adrian grabs the first flag. He signs advice to Collin. Adrian acknowledges their physical edge over other teams. Collin has the flag as well as the clue.
– Paula & Natasha, Pamela & Vanessa, and Henry & Terri start rowing. Terri is at the first flag as she is aggressive to grab it with her oar.
Maybe if I lean over just a little bit more. . .
Cats enjoy water more than Henry.
– Henry jokes that Terri’s hair weight was enough to tip them over.
Somehow if your name is Teri you cannot successfully navigate a boat of any kind.
– We hear Henry breathing heavily and panicking. They eventually get the canoe back in the correct position.
HENRY: I think that’s what the ‘N’ in Navy stands for: Non-Swimmer.
Henry is killing it with his jokes.
– Ann & Diane and Daichi & Sawaka are all in the water. Pamela & Vanessa tip over too.
PAMELA: It’s freeeeeezing.
Vanessa does not have a future as a mime.
– Natasha casually looks over to see Pamela & Vanessa screaming for help.
NATASHA: It’s going to be one of those situations where you see ten accidents on a freeway and everyone’s looking then it’s another ten car accidents.
Eh, they’re just drowning. They’ll be fine.
– Daichi & Sawaka have all three flags but then tip. They have to re-do the course all over again.
Do a barrel roll!
– Diane & Ann have not tipped. Probably because they weigh one hundred pounds each. French-Born Aurelia sure enough struggles with rock climbing.
– Marc & Rovilson have the clue. They read to drive to the former hospital known as the Kingseat Hospital–the most haunted spot in all of New Zealand. It is now known as Spookers.
Why does he look like The Punisher from Uh Oh?
– It is scarier than The Exorcist, and the building was formerly a psychiatric hospital. I understand the haunted part now.
I wonder what the Zombie Chef is preparing for dinner?
– Yes, teams must go through the hospital and will not receive their next clue until they exit. Marc informs Rovilson about it being haunted.
“And I just ate. F—!”
EDITOR’S NOTE: I have never seen a horror movie and never visited a haunted house.
– Paula & Natasha finish the task.
HENRY: If that boat weighed 97, 000 tonnes and had a couple nuclear reactors, we would have had no problem.
Judging by how your boat tipped, I would still be worried.
– Ann & Diane finish in 5th. Pamela & Vanessa in sixth.
– French-Born Aurelia is still struggling with the wall. She slips yet again.
– Singaporean Sophie begins massaging French Born Aurelia in between rounds.
C’mon Rocky! What’s the use of having a name like that here when you cannot finish the task!
– Singaporean Sophie yells at her to use her arm muscles.
SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE: Even if you have to use your mouth to bite the hold, just do it.
FRENCH-BORN AURELIA: I can’t do it.
SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE: Are you being a wimp?
FRENCH-BORN AURELIA: I’mz not beingz a wimp.
SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE: You have so much energy to talk and now you can’t, and you pay thousands of dollars for gym.
Spider French. . .Spider French. . .
Needs a stronger web. . .
FRENCH-BORN AURELIA: I’m not being a wimp or anything.
FRENCH-BORN AURELIA: Ay yah!
– Her crashing into the wall as they converse is priceless.
– SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE: Sometimes when you ‘re in a difficult situation, you try the situation, and push somebody to do ‘hard love’.
Yes. Hard love.
– Singaporean Sophie is annoyed that French-Born Aurelia never listens and she has to pay for it.
And she doesn’t even know what hard love is! I had to explain it to her and said the French translation is ‘tough love’. I was like ‘tough love’? That doesn’t make any sense!
Just like in Shin Megami Tensei Devil Survivor 2, Daichi is vulnerable to icy water attacks!
And you know he is -really- cold because of how far those arms are shoved into his pits.
– SAWAKA: Sunshinbuububuvuvuvuvububuvuvuvuvu.
– French-Born Aurelia says their only hope is that someone is lost. Brett is shown completing the Roadblock and convinces Kinar to row instead of climb.
Yikes. Kinar nearly screwed them over.
– Rovilson falls asleep in the car as he mumbles Marc to drive straight.
– Adrian & Collin, Diane & Ann, Pamela & Vanessa, and Paula & Natasha all have the clue at the winery.
– Whoa. Singaporean Sophie & French-Born Aurelia have finished rowing. Brett & Kinar have not even shown up. How lost were Brett & Kinar?
– It is night time now. How many route markers have we seen now? Six or seven?
– Marc & Rovilson show up to the Haunted House. Lots of screaming.
ROVILSON: This is just like my last date.
I hope for Rovilson’s sake that she was not the one who suggested “Wanna go back to my place?”
Marc cracks up at Rovilson’s explanation. Although Marc is terrified that there are countless reality shows about ghost hunting thanks to America taking it very very very seriously.
– Marc & Rovilson have their clue. They read that they must race on foot to the Forest of Fear. Oddly enough it is not far from the pit stop. We see Allan explain the Forest of Fear in a hushed voice.
ALLAN: The last team to check in here. . .
ALLAN: . . .Will buy me a new pair of pants.
– Marc & Rovilson run down a trail with a lantern.
That’s right. A crossing that features a parent with a headless child. Something tells me that parent should be reported to Child Protective Services. I have heard of Shaking Baby, but this is just ridiculous.
Or maybe Colton wanted that kid’s head on a platter.
– Henry & Terri are sixth to the winery. Daichi & Sawaka are seventh.
HENRY (reading the clue): Are you haunted by the thought of being eliminated?
Nope. Just water.
– Marc & Rovilson hit the mat. The pit stop greeter speaks in complete gibberish.
Even Allan is trying to decipher if it is his turn to talk now.
FIRST: MARC & ROVILSON –
ALLAN: For winning this leg of the race, you win a year of free fuel from Caltex!
“YES! CALTEX! LET’S MOVE TO HONG KONG TO RACK UP THE BILL! YEAHHHHH!
“YEAAAAH! FREE SLAVE LABOUR! YEAAAAAH!”
– French-Born Aurelia rambles and rambles in French. She talks about it being pizz blazz outside.
SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE: You’re making me nervous when you talk so much. Can you just pay attention to the road? You’re making me nervous.
FRENCH-BORN AURELIA: One hour? My god.
SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE: It’s really hard not to be mean to you.
FRENCH-BORN AURELIA: Can you not be mean to me until I finish driving?
SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE: Okay.
Uhhhhhh, I think French-Born Aurelia just won that psychological battle.
You know you suck at imposing your will when a French chatterbox who barely has a grasp for English can outwit you in a conversation.
Seriously, if anyone can decipher what French-Born Aurelia said in her initial ramble, you win. It is like twenty words randomly put together.
– Adrian & Collin show up at the haunted house. Both are laughing non-stop.
ADRIAN: I was laughing because I know he can’t hear the voices shouting.
HE CAN’T HEAR VOICES AND HE’S LAUGHING AT HIM!
– Adrian & Collin have their clue. Time to run.
– Diane & Ann enter Spookers. How do they react to the screaming and creepin’?
I think Diane is confusing disco with Thriller.
– SECOND: ADRIAN & COLLIN
– Allan refuses to sign when presenting the news. He asks why Collin never seems excited. Probably because he never knows what position he is right away!
THIRD: DIANE & ANN
Wow. They are a freakin’ strong and consistent team.
FOURTH: PAULA & NATASHA
– Vanessa is driving.
An uneventful drive as a white vehicle is turning onto the road in the lane next to her.
– Vanessa freaks out and keeps asking Pamela if it was her fault. Indeed it was not. I may not be a driver, but I do know that Vanessa had by far the right-of-way in that situation as opposed to a vehicle who was turning left and attempting to merge into her lane.
– Commercial break.
– We come back to see the replay in slow motion. So of course this leads to a confrontation with the car behind them.
Self-inflicted driving wounds.
– The grey-haired woman announces that she will call the police. Instantly Pamela & Vanessa pour on the tears.
This is why I never drive in a retirement town. Crazy crap like this happens every day.
– Brett & Kinar are at the Wall. Yep. They are screwing up.
The Clue-Bearer looks frightened as this is the first hug he has received inside of the haunted house in nearly six hundred years.
– Police roll up. Vanessa estimates the process has taken roughly thirty minutes, and emphasized how long it took.
Wow. That’s it? Usually you lose at least an hour to all of the legal paperwork on sight, and in Canada it is law that police are called onto the site for every traffic accident.
Although it looks like that officer is doing a line on the hood of his car.
– FIFTH: HENRY & TERRI
TERRI (waving finger in face): Don’t give me the bad news. Give me the good news.
I always wave my finger in Wu face.
– Singaporean Sophie is now driving. They stop at a gas station. French-Born Aurelia says they went towards the wrong winery on an island as opposed to going north. They are re-directed at a gas station. Daichi & Sawaka are in the haunted house.
For some reason, I would personally not trust a dental practice located inside of a haunted house.
– SIXTH: DAICHI & SAWAKA
They mildly jog onto the mat, and have an excited reaction for once.
– The three struggling teams are the only ones that remain. Pamela & Vanessa show up and go through the haunted house.
– Singaporean Sophie and French-Born Aurelia stop as French-Born Aurelia shows her the map.
SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE: I cannot trust you anymore.
FRENCH-BORN AURELIA: Can you please. . .
SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE: I would rather give up the race than to trust you again.
Auckward silence as they continue to stall on the side of the road.
We go into a confessional.
SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE: It’s not like I’m saying bad things about her all the time.
FRENCH-BORN AURELIA: Oh nonononono. Not at all.
I love French-Born Aurelia’s expressions.
– SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE: It’s hard to be subjective.
– So French-Born Aurelia takes over the wheel again much to Singaporean Sophie’s chagrin.
We pray that this is just because French-Born Aurelia does not know the English term for ‘hazard lights’.
SEVENTH: PAMELA & VANESSA
– They are stunned that not only are they not last, but seventh. Tears come flowing.
They weep for whoever ran a s—tier round than they did.
– So now it is just down to two teams.
Wow. He -really- wants to finish the rock climbing Detour. Has he thought about how Kinar will do at it?
– Brett has a flag. He insists Kinar that she can do it.
BRETT: Just have fun and relax. Get really straight.
That doesn’t help as we see Kinar groan as she falls five or six times.
– Meanwhile Singaporean Sophie and French-Born Aurelia are at the winery. Singaporean Sophie mocks that they just went over the same bridge that they did twelve hours ago. Not even at the haunted house yet. Singaporean Sophie has a clue in her hand while French-Born Aurelia also has a clue.
FRENCH-BORN AURELIA: How come there is one left?
SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE: I don’t know. . maybe another team was lost?
And that is the best quote of the episode. Thank you, French-Born Aurelia.
– We once again see Kinar slip and fall. They hug it out as sentimental music plays. She sobs saying she can’t do it.
They could have switched tasks over three hours ago. . .
– Kinar asks permission to quit. Brett nods. She quits and is mad at herself as they switch to do the paddling Detour.
– Singaporean Sophie and French-Born Aurelia go through the haunted house. Singaporean Sophie screams more in the house than when she bungy jumped.
– Brett says he is thinking about people who do not do either one. Kinar shoots down that idea immediately.
– Singaporean Sophie and French-Born Aurelia step onto the mat.
FRENCH-BORN AURELIA (to ALLAN): Sorry, but we got so lost.
Judging by that look, Singaporean Sophie is not taking any of the blame.
Zwe are zeefeated.
– ALLAN: You are team number. . .eight.
Contagious French gasp!
– French-Born Aurelia gives a shrill scream.
SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE: How did anyone do worse than we did today?
– Brett & Kinar show up to the rowing club.
– Brett & Kinar prepare to camp out for four hours as they wait for the rowing club to open. . .just kidding. Production intervenes and takes them to the pit stop. A guy banged on his window saying to follow him to the pit stop.
ALLAN: The reason you have been called here is that all of the other teams have checked in. By default, Brett & Kinar, you have been eliminated from the race.
ALLAN: And if you thought I was going to wait until noon tomorrow for you, you’re sadly mistaken.
– Brett says it is fine.
BRETT: The three things we wanted to do on this race are:
1) Have fun
2) Be good to each other
And three. . .
Eat a balut before going to bed for the night.
Just kidding. Three was to never ever give up.
KINAR: Can I quit?
Eh, that doesn’t count. . .for some reason.
Next Time on TAR: French-Born Aurelia sings “Heigh-Ho” from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
SINGAPOREAN SOPHIE.FRENCH-BORN AURELIA 4.4
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A
— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Preston & Jennifer 11.0
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0
11th Ari & Staella 11.0
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0
11th John & Scott 11.0
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
10th Edwin & Monica 10.0 (Only team to finish last for the first two rounds of the race.)
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0
10th A Black Family 10.0
— F +–
10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????)
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.)
10th Kate & Pat 9.0
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
9th Marianna & Julia 8.33
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8 – Yielded
8th Marisa & Brooke 7.75 – Sucked.
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Aiello Family 7.0
8th Tom & Terry 7.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
9th Rogers Family 6.5
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
9th Brett & Kinar 6.33
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25
7th Aja & Cabbie 6.2
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF
10th Ernie & Jeena 6.0
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
7th Dave & Lori 5.83
5th Kami & Karli 5.8
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
7th Shana & Jennifer 5.8 Used U-Turn
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
6th Gaghan Family 5.5
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
8th Sahil & Prashant 5.4 FF
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33
7th Gus & Hera 5.29
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
8th Lorena & Jason 5.25 U-Turned
3rd Andrew & Dan 5.18
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
6th Kelly & Christy 5.14
7th Ray & Deana – 5.0 FF
7th Melody & Sharon 5.0
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
9th Mark & Bill 5.0 – Wah.
5th Fran & Barry 4.89
6th Howard & Sahran 4.88
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85 – Yielded
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
7th Teri & Ian All Stars 4.83
7th Schroeder Family 4.75
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71 – Used Yield
6th Brian & Greg 4.71
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF and Used Yield and Yielded
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
5th Uchenna & Joyce All Stars 4.33 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23
3rd Nicolas & Donald 4.18 FF and U-Turned
4th Linda & Karen 4.17
3rd Charla & Mirna All Stars 4.15
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF and Used Yield
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11
5th Andy & Laura 4.00 – Yielded
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
1st Zabrina & Joe Jer 3.77
2nd Sandy & Francesca 3.77 – Used Yield
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
5th Kynt & Vyxsin 3.63 Used Yield
1st Eric & Danielle All Stars 3.62 – Yielded Twice
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56
4th Joseph & Monica 3.50 – Yielded
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46 – Used Yield and Yielded
2nd Ronald & Christina 3.45
4th Nathan & Jennifer 3.40 – Never finished in 1st
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
1st Chip & Kim 3.38 – Used Yield
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31
5th Terence & Sarah 3.25
1st TK & Rachel 3.18
4th Godlewski Family 3.18
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17 – Used Yield
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 3.17
3rd Weaver Family 3.15 – Yielded Twice
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF
4thToni & Dallas 3.10 Still in Russia
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00 – Yielded
6th Azaria & Hendekea 3.00
4th Hayden & Aaron 2.92
2nd Dustin & Kandice All Stars 2.92 – Used Yield
2nd Bransen Family 2.85
1st Linz Family 2.77 – Used Yield
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
–BEST OF THE BEST–
8th Rob & Amber All Stars 2.75 – Used Yield
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny All Stars 2.67 FF x2 and Used Yield
2nd Ken & Tina 2.64 FF
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF and Yielded
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF and Used Yield
1st Nick & Starr 2.45 FF
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF
Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)
11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF
18 legs Danielle 4.78
19 legs Teri & Ian 4.63 FF
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF
20 legs Charla & Mirna 4.00 None
21 legs Joe & Bill 3.71 FF
22 legs Uchenna & Joyce 3.64 FF x2
*31 legs Eric & Danielle 3.48 FF
23 legs Oswald & Danny 3.30 FF x3!
25 legs Dustin & Kandice 3.04 None
26 legs Eric 2.65 FF
17 legs Rob & Amber 2.41 None
* I determined Eric & Danielle’s average in this last section by adding up all of their individual points from TAR 9, then adding up their total points in All Stars and dividing it by 31.
Rank the Teams:
1) Brett & Kinaryoshih
So Kinaryoshih, or better known as Kinar, is famous? Really? To keep up the metropolitan image, she raced with her boyfriend Brett Money.
Brett Money was a nice guy who happened to be a bit amusing. Besides being too eager to explain to Kinar what an aphrodisiac was, such as balut and lumb, he looked a lot like Joseph Gordon Levitt.
His three biggest goals on the race were to be good to Kinar, have fun, and never quit. Note that winning nor a cutthroat game was ever on his mind.
Kinaryoshih, who earned the suffix to her name by thinking she had to ride the back of an animal, was notorious for her screeching and that funny accent of hers.
They did extremely well in the Philippines, but for some reason they could not find anything in New Zealand. In addition they never did well at any of the tasks. They may have found a clue box in Hong Kong first, but after that they were sixth or lower for the remainder of the round.
In fact, they were so far behind at the end of the Auckland round that the other Detour option closed well after all teams had finished the Detour, and had an additional two tasks to go. Obviously production did not want to wait for them twelve hours after everyone else was done, and guided them to the pit stop to eliminate them.
I assume this was done because they could not even read a map to find their own way to each route marker.
Other than that, not much to say about this young Indonesian couple. They were nice. Provided a few laughs. And not the most skilled team this race has seen.
P.S. After her time on TAR Asia 2, Kinaryoshih won an award for playing a sister-cum-manager in a film with fellow famous Indonesian actress named Titi Kamal.
P.P.S. Kinaryoshih is famous in Indonesia to the point that her and Brett Money secretly married in Australia in 2011. Right before marriage Money had converted to Islam. They have a son named Jamal.
P.P.P.S. Just kidding. The child’s name is Steven.
2) Edwin & Monica
Wow. It actually happened. A team managed to finish last on the first leg, but the second leg as well. As of the beginning of 2014, this has never happened again.
Does that mean they are by default the worst team ever because they could not beat a single team for the opening two rounds?
No. Remember that in the American franchise, teams are almost always bunched together into one or two flights for the second round of play. This is why we occasionally see a team go from first to last or from the back to the front in the opening rounds of play.
Without an equalizer you could say that Edwin & Monica could have done better than other teams in round two simply based on time to complete the tasks, but finished last because their surplus was not enough to climb out of last. The only bottom-feeders along with them were Henry & Terri, and Henry & Terri knew their hometown well in addition to having a Detour that fit in with their skillset.
Furthermore, Edwin & Monica never had the chance to drive themselves. For all we know other teams suck at driving a stick while Edwin may be a master at it. They could have very well lived and died by the taxi and bus drivers in the opening two rounds.
Other teams who have been eliminated suffered from not knowing how to talk to locals politely. Edwin & Monica were never rude to others that they met.
I would say that the only sub-par elements of their game in the first two rounds is that Monica has atrocious cardio. She is one of the skinniest racers ever, and could not even keep up with Edwin who carried everyone’s bags. Both rounds involved a lot of running which meant Monica’s speed could have easily dropped them thirty minutes in the process.
They had a tough time navigating themselves with running on the streets. That is how they fell to last right away. Stuck on the streets of Singapore as they could not adjust their way of thinking with only minutes into the race. They easily lost a couple hours right there.
Add in a Detour at the end of round two where Monica had no idea how to put a bike together, and suddenly you see why it is not much of a surprise that they wound up last in back-to-back rounds.
Monica may have a case as the slowest racer ever, but Edwin not so much as he did well with his Roadblock, made the right decisions, and could move well for carrying twice as many bags as a typical team member.
Personally, from the first fourteen seasons of TAR, I would still have Meredith & Maria, Don & Mary Jean, or John & Scott as the nominations for worst racers ever.
Rank the Legs:
1) Singapore, Singapore -> Manila, Philippines
This was ten times better than the opening round from TAR Asia 1.
Go-karting and descending a mall is replaced by eating balut, flying to another country, no equalizers, and a wicked 181 metre high tower traverse. I should also note that the teams are a bit more compelling and more extraverted than the crowd gathered for the first season. No Sahil & Prashants or Sahrans.
The only slight con is that Marc & Rovilson occupied more than a quarter of the airtime while the first place team, Pamela & Vanessa, were shown half as much as them.
Oh, and the tricky non-elimination in the opening round for the second season in a row was a nice fakeout by production. We also see the introduction of the TAR 10/11 non-elimination penalty being introduced to the East.
2) Manila, Philippines -> Auckland, New Zealand
You know what’s left out of this description? The side trip to Hong Kong for one task before heading to Auckland. In Hong Kong they went to a pier before going to a bank where teams spent two to three hours counting coins and notes.
Everybody was on the same flight to Hong Kong. But guess what? After the task, everyone was on the same flight to Auckland. Hong Kong had zero bearing on the round.
However, these lame equalizers were made up by teams having to drive themselves around Auckland. In addition, there was SIX destinations around Auckland that teams visited. One of these tasks was a gruelling Detour, a jump off a bridge, using a Sony Cybershot through a heritage site, visiting a winery, going through a haunted house, and lastly finishing in a haunted forest.
Teams appeared to finish from first to last about eight to ten hours apart. Well, the last place team, Brett & Kinar, was ordered to skip -two- tasks in order to check in at the mat. And they could not even blame it on a late flight because everyone shared the same one.
Seeing Pamela & Vanessa collide with another civilian vehicle is extremely rare for the franchise. Usually teams wipe out in their own vehicle, sometimes smash into an object, or get charged with speeding. But seeing a civilian car crash right into them? The last time I can recall that happeneing is during the Cancun round of TAR 3 with the bus.
3) Manila, Philippines -> Manila, Philippines
What I loved about this round? There were no equalizers. Well, there was buses that left every fifteen minutes, but nearly every team had their own bus multiple times during the leg.
I think it is even more important this happened because the previous round was a non-elimination. So how you finished on the first leg carried over directly to this second round.
I must say this has to be the most forgettable trip to an orphanage in the history of TAR. In fact anytime you integrate product placement into a round will certainly make it an unmemorable task. And when it is the same product placement in the form of Caltex, you get a lot of snoozers.
Although if it were not for Caltex’s heavy advertising, TAR Asia may never exist in the first place.
Heading out to Pila and directing an animal that I never heard of before was definitely a treat. It is tough to go to a location that the “real” TAR has been to before, but find unique things to do.
That Roadblock seemed rather difficult, come to think of it.
I approve of the Detour. Do a task that will have a small variant in how long it will take compared to a high risk-high reward option made for a great dilemma. Do you chance it on hoping you can fix a bike quickly or do you sort through 250 pairs of shoes?
The insight into the public transportation of the Philippines, and truly understanding the how common the sight of jeepneys are in Manila, produced an interesting bit of info for viewers during the episode.
I would say that dropping boxes off at the orphanage should have been more difficult to navigate, but after seeing what happened with Pamela & Vanessa, may be it was difficult enough.
Lastly, seeing Edwin & Monica finish dead last in each of the first two legs is a highlight for the franchise. Granted there was no equalizer to make it as two distinct last place finishes, but still funny to think about when it comes to the TAR franchise.
And the round needed more carabao.