The Amazing Race 14 episode 7 ranking

OUT OF CHARACTER MOMENT: These past two weeks have been by far the highest number of views and visitors that my blog has received in the past 2 1/2 weeks. Just want to thank everyone for wasting time reading this crap.

It means a lot that you waste a good twenty minutes reading this mildly inappropriate recap of my never-ending TAR project.

Thanks.

Seventh episode

“Margie? . . .Margie?? . . .Margie???”

http://popwatch.ew.com/2009/03/23/phil-keoghan-3/

I wasn’t kidding you that most of the comments on his previous blog was about his underwear. You know there is not too much insight in a blog when 40 percent of it is dedicated to Phil’s underpants.

He goes on to tease about the mat meltdown that he has been hyping since the start of the season as well as his cycling trip across America. Phil says he was casting for TAR 15 throughout his cross country trip.

tiffany michelle wsop

And unfortunately for us one of those stops was in Las Vegas.

Sadly that was all Phil could come up with in his blog. It does not get too much better than that, sadly. Let’s move onwards!

Previously on TAR: Seven teams raced from Novosibirsk, Siberia to Jaipur, India. Mel got off to a rough start but his keen awareness pushed him ahead of the other teams. Tammy & Victor danced through the leg with ease which led to another first place finish. Starting in last place, the flight attendants faced an uphill battle. Jodi powered through the Roadblock while brothers Mark & Michael laboured at the Detour. But in a tight race to the mat, Christie & Jodi came up a minute short.

Coming Up: When temperatures rise in Thailand, the heat takes its toll on Margie.

Six ‘Previously On’ segments where Margie & Luke and Tammy & Victor get mentioned while the other nine teams have been fighting for attention? Production really wanted to push these two teams as stars.

– Intro time. We see a one second clip of something each team has done over the past few episodes of the race.

– Phil introduces us to Jaipur.

PHIL: Jaipur–known as the jewel of northwestern India.

Was it not Phil who said last week that Jaipur is known as the Pink City? A city with multiple nicknames is confusing for the viewer.

– Will he ask a question for once?

– Nope. Tammy & Victor, who were the first to arrive at an undisclosed time, will depart at 10:21am. They read that they will be flying 2, 000 miles to Phuket, Thailand. They are given the photo of a statue of a giant gorilla. That could only mean that after forming their own racing society for the past month. . .

sim city zoo

Production assistant Dr. Wright says it is time for the racers to have a zoo!

– This giant gorilla is located at the Phuket Zoo. That is the easiest of any creative clue that TAR has come up with over the past fourteen seasons.

phuket clue

phuket clue 2

The clue for this route marker in case you were wondering.

– Victor reads that they should book their tickets at a travel agency like most Southeast Asian countries.

TAMMY: I have been to Phuket, Thailand before.

And it begins. This truly is the transition for the season. Be prepared for Tammy & Victor to say this crap a lot and make you question the whole integrity of the season.
phuket tammy victor

A place one of us has already been to in our lives at a young age? This is the greatest advantage we could ask for all season! Surely it won’t get better than that.

– Tammy talks about her trip to Phuket with her parents and how her “mommy and daddy” would not let her go to the beach.

– Tammy says her parents always thought of Victor of being faster, stronger, and smarter.

jet li

And because he is really Jet Li in a lawyer suit.

I could elaborate more on Tammy’s speech, but Phuket, we have a round to get to.

– Mel & Mike depart second at 10:50am. They head to the travel agency. Mike talks about how he wants him and his dad to not have tunnel vision to such an extreme that they miss out on enjoying the experience itself.

phuket mike

Although his first order of business should be to get that huge bruise in between his eyebrows. This is not India anymore where the red dot is encouraged as a religious and protective symbol. In any other country it just comes off as plain weird.

MEL: Phuket. My favourite city.

MIKE: Do you speak any Thai, dad?
MEL: Yes. Mai Tai.

phuket mel mike
udgey gif
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phoenix sad

He did not just say that. . .
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creepy 2
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phuket mel mike 2

MEL: We can still be friends, right?
india nate eyebrow

At least his joke was intentional unlike Nate who claims he loves Thai food in Taiwan.

– And in all seriousness Mike clenched his teeth as soon as he asked his dad the question. Clearly this is a joke they set up the night before in the event that they were heading to Thailand. I guarantee it. Even the editors played along as they did an Asian rim shot soundtrack for a couple seconds until cutting the audio completely.

– Tammy & Victor are first to the airport. They read that they will fly to Phuket via New Delhi and Smashdick. They will be in Phuket at 8:50am.

Seriously. The two biggest cities in Thailand are Bangkok and Phuket. Never has a country used such suggestive names for their most populated cities.

– Kisha & Jen depart third at 11:02am.

phuket monkey

From India to Thailand, we will never escape the observant monkeys at this rate. I am sure we will see MaGilla’s cousins soon enough.

– Kisha says her and Jen have a competitive edge and want to compete to the best of their ability. Jen says Kisha is her main focus and hopes the same goes for Kisha.

phuket kisha jen

Main focus. . .main focus. . .hey, look at the purple flower on Jen’s head?

– Margie & Luke depart fourth at 11:03am.

phuket margie luke

Mother-son powers activate!

– Margie says that signing with somebody is exhausting. She wants to rest her arms. A conversation for Luke requires her presence to make it happen.

MARGIE: But it’s okay. I wouldn’t change it.

But you just said you wanted to rest. Either you want to change by resting a little bit or you do not want to rest. Why would you not want to change something that you want? I am sure there are producers on hand who will sign for Luke if necessary. Otherwise Margie is exhibiting Rick James logic.

rick james

I don’t want to rest for a little bit and have a break. . .yeah, I wouldn’t mind lowering my arms and having a nap.

phuket margie

Under Margie’s exercise routine, signing for thirty days straight as you travel the world can help you build up muscular endurance, your biceps, and triceps fast. You will see results instantly!

– Jaime & Cara depart fifth at 11:04am. You can tell how closely they work with Margie & Luke due to their close departure times.

phuket monkey 2

I am going to hit 100 screen caps quickly if I show every monkey I see. Monkey see, Logan Screencap.

– Jaime barks at the taxi driver to check if he has enough gas to get to the airport. Then she barks at Cara to check at the gas tank. Then she barks at the driver to let them into the cab.

Something tells me Jaime will not be returning to India.

– Now we present an edition of. . .
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“DOES IT SOUND AS STUPID AS IT SOUNDS?”

phuket jaime cara

Yes. If you get to the airport, you will be at the airport. Wise words, Jaime. Wise words.

phuket jaime

Jaime puts on her fancy “I am really Julia Roberts” glasses. Or they could have been cheap sunglasses purchased from Claire’s.

randy savage
You want real pink shades, Jaime? The only way you’re getting these fancy shades is if I THROW you these shades. Ohhhhh yeah!

– Jaime & Cara joke in a confessional about how Jaime does not have any patience and has difficulties with language barriers.

JAIME: I don’t like foreign language. I’m tired of listening to people talk sometimes. I’m so tired of noise. That’s why I want to get out of India. I don’t like the honking.

You get to go on a free trip around the world. We feel terrible for your troubles.

phuket jaime 2

phuket jaime 3
Uh oh. She did a full on Diva Hand Flick while commanding the cabbie to move. She is seconds away from saying “Oh, you just take a hike, sister”.

– More honking as we hear Mel & Mike outside the building and joining Tammy & Victor at the Riya Travel Agency.

– Last to depart is Mark & Michael at 11:11am.

It’s 11:11! Time to get your feet off the ground and make a wish!

Yeah, I am still twelve. Although my French teacher in high school made us all do this every time we had her class from 8:30am to 11:20am. Pretty much as soon as it was 11:11 we all lost focus for the remainder of the day.

– And what needs to happen whenever a team checks out of the pit stop this round?

phuket monkey 3

Why more monkeys of course!

– Mark & Michael say they are in last but not by much. They will keep going forward. For some reason Michael’s nipples are really hard in this confessional.

phuket mark michael

Move over Captain Falcon, there is a new contender in town!

– Kisha decides to count her money inside of a cab as the cab stops due to traffic.

phuket kisha

Not a good idea as kids run up to the cab that has two Americans with a camera and sound crew inside.

phuket kisha 2

Yoink!

– Guess what happens when the first kid successfully steals Kisha of some of her funds?

phuket kisha 3

Now you have to share with the whole class. Didn’t they not teach you that in Kindergarten, Kisha?

– Margie & Luke enter Riya. They openly copy the flight. So do Mark & Michael and Kisha & Jen. Everyone wonders where Jaime & Cara must be. They book their tickets at the airport. All six teams are on the same flight.

MARK: Lice and germs, welcome to my airline.

Yeah. I do not get it either.

– The flight takes off for Phuket.

phuket flight

Production tries to emphasize that the flight was really long. Really? That is what I expect from two connecting flights before arriving at your final destination.

– Get the Phuket out of here, we have a new soundtrack playing. Mark & Michael are first into a cab. Jaime & Cara are second. Margie & Luke are third. Kisha & Jen are fourth. Tammy & Victor are fifth. Mel’s groin is hurting so him and Mike are still are on the street.

– Jaime asks the driver his name. Sack.

Leave it to a Playboy model to be driven by a man named Sack.

Again. Phuket. Bangkok. Sack. This is Jaime’s favourite country in the world.

JAIME: Hey Sack, do you know what a race is? A race? You know race? Very important? Very fast?

– Cara tells us in a confessional how Jaime talks to taxi drivers like they are a child.

phuket jaime cara 4

Jaime does her best Julia Roberts laugh.

julia roberts phuket jaime laugh

Oh god. It’s happening.

phuket jaime cara 3

CARA (impersonating JAIME): I want to go to the park. The park park?

phuket jaime cara 2

At first it looks like Cara is not impressed with her partner, but in reality it is because she is still contemplating if aggressivity is a real word.

CARA: If I was on the other side I would think it was very mean. I would say you are a. . .witch with a ‘Be’.

Bewitched? Wrinkle my nose and put a curse on this whole season? I have a feeling that is what happened.

– Over the years we have encountered some awesome taxi drivers over the years. But today may top them all, and best of all we see the driver’s taxi license to prove that it is indeed his real name. So who is the name of Tammy & Victor’s cab driver?

phuket bandit

They call me Bandit. John Bandit.

TAMMY: Mr. Bandit? That is a very cool name, sir.
DRIVER: In Thai, bandit mean teacher.
VICTOR: So bandit means teacher. . .
TAMMY (seductively): Or awesommmmme

phuket tammy victor 2

Victor is noticeably freaked out by Tammy’s eyes for Mr. Bandit.

Tammy wish to learn much knowledge from a teacher about the arts of how to do well and work hard at Phuket.

– Mel & Mike have a taxi. The driver provides him the answer.

DRIVER: Patong Beach.

Which is English for I don’t know.

– Mark & Michael show the picture to their driver but he is wise enough to say “I don’t know”. They hop ten feet out of the cab and ask. Jaime & Cara, Kisha & Jen, Tammy & Victor, and Margie & Luke are all out on the street.

VICTOR: Gorilla? . . .Gorilla? . . .Gorilla?
JEN: Just say it’s a big ass monkey.
KISHA: King Kong?
JAIME: Does anyone know this monkey?!

One of the locals directs them to an arcade.

donkey kong

Phuket really needs to update their games after thirty years.

– Mark & Michael and Tammy & Victor are both told to go to the zoo. Margie & Luke and Jaime & Cara decide to follow. Mel & Mike see them all lost but do not bother to ask for a second opinion.

– Mike sees the herd going in the reverse direction of where they are heading. For some reason it is not a big enough risk to warrant them to ask other locals where they directed the teams. This seems dumb because Mel & Mike were frozen in traffic as they watched the other teams run around on the streets for several minutes.

– The five teams all show up to the zoo. Jaime is the first one to claim the clue.

PHIL: It is time for teams to take a walk on the wild side. . .or rather let the wild side take a walk on them. First, they will take their picture with Esso the tiger. Then they will take part in a typical Thai performance in which elephants step and squat on them.

Rewind. TYPICAL Thai performance in which elephants step and squat on people?

– So guess how the elephants warm up before they step and squat on people? You will never guess what they do. I guarantee it.
phuket elephant bike

The first ever bicycle customized for the elephant demographic! That guy is in his early 20s trying to get in shape for the first annual Elephant’s Triathlon. He will have to work hard to eliminate that junk in his trunk!

I have decided to rewind the elephant riding that bicycle at least five times.

– After they finish with the elephant, they will run back to the Tiger Station where the Tiger Keeper will hand them their photo. On that photo is their next clue.

phuket clue 3

. . .And my heart drops. A needle in a haystack. Phuk it. This season is going downhill fast.

– Mark & Michael keep yelling for the tiger as if it is its name. Only overweight rural men name their dog ‘dog’, so I doubt they are going to name the tiger ‘tiger’.

And why would you want to call over a tiger that you do not know?

tony the tiger

Not every cat is as calm and collected as Tony the Tiger.

tony the tiger 2

But even he does not like it when you come at him. Have too much aggressivity at UBC when calling for him or quick movement and he will force you into being a victim of rrrrrape!

– Mike starts to grow concerned and contemplates asking directions. Jaime & Cara and the other teams are still chasing for the tiger. Mark & Michael are first to find it. They sit and pose with the tiger. Mark shushes the other teams because he does not want to be eaten.

phuket mark michael 2

Mark & Michael’s photo with Wynona is a success.

– Mark & Michael point out that the handler only has one arm. They grow concerned wondering where exactly that arm ended up.

phuket handler
It would be hilarious if it was a trick that the zoo pulls on people who come and visit to see the tigers. Everyone would be scared and obey the handlers to an extreme.

I should note Michael tells the story awkwardly. Kisha & Jen are next in line.

– KISHA: We figured that if they did not eat Mark & Michael that we would be safe.
JEN: They are bite sized.
KISHA: They’re bite sized.
(Hysterical laughter ensues.)

phuket kisha jen 2

That proud feeling that you just made your first Little Person joke in front of millions of people.

– Okay, Jaime & Cara are apparently next.

JAIME: I would be okay spending the rest of my life in a zoo behind a cage and never talking to people again. Jane of the Jungle.

You do realize that people just yell at animals in cages on a permanent basis as you have no way to fight back without getting a tranquilizer, right?

phuket tammy victor 3

If this were TAR’s early years, this would be a Kodak moment.

phuket tiger

The tiger looks like it wants to uppercut that stick. Only in Thailand can you see a tiger wanting to uppercut a stick.

sagat uppercut

That tradition goes back twenty years.

– Mike hands the picture to the driver. He seems to be sure that it is at Patong Beach. There is awkward silence as Mel & Mike are not receiving a reassuring answer from the driver.

phuket mike 2

Mike prepares to Phuk up the taxi driver.

– Mark & Michael run past Tammy & Victor and Margie & Luke. All teams have their picture with the tiger. Jaime & Cara and Kisha & Jen talk about their experience as they wait for Mark & Michael to finish with the elephants.

– Mark & Michael do the elephant task first.

phuket michael

Michael mugs for the camera with a hang loose sign like he is Bruce Kanegai from Survivor: Exile Island.

bruce kanegai

I wonder if Bruce was indirectly referencing his bowel movements each time he did that.

– Jaime & Cara are up next.
phuket cara

phuket cara 2

The Mac Daddy of elephants decides to tap that without even askin’. You my floppy eared friend are a true ladies’ man.

phuket jaime cara 5

And then TAR pretends it is the Discovery Channel as the elephant does something to Jaime that I thought Jaime could ever be capable of initiating.

I just feel dirty. Let’s clean this blog up a bit.

– The camera angle shows us how much give there is in Kisha’s badonkadonk as the elephant bounces its paw off of it.

– Mark & Michael read they must take a taxi to Nguan Choon Tong Herbs Shop. It is here that they will ask the shopkeeper to open one of the ninety-nine herb drawers. Only seven of them contain a clue.

phuket keeper

Vanna Thaite unveils the clue for us. He has an exciting day ahead of him.

PRODUCER: Hey Mr. Thaite, want to earn fifty bucks opening and closing drawers for an American TV show all day?
SHOP KEEPER: My shop will be featured on TV? Yes!
PRODUCER: However, we will pay you -after- because we hear you are a bandit.

– Mark & Michael roar like an elephant as they re-enter a cab. Michael notes he has not seen Mel & Mike.

– Mel & Mike decide to stop Phukin’ around as they ask locals where the picture was taken.

phuket mel mike 3

Yes. That is the place where an elephant touches your butt. What? You’ve never been?

– Tammy & Victor are done the elephant butt squish task in fourth. Margie & Luke are fifth.

MARGIE: That was hard.

Well, if it was hard then you really need to put on a bit more cushion. The price of being a Bionic Woman is that you are stuck with a bony structure.

– Jaime & Cara look at the clue. Into the cab they go. Same with Kisha & Jen.

KISHA: I got a picture with a tiger that I really did pee myself. I am so pleased.

phuket kisha jen 3

Look at the guilt on her face. Can no one hold it in the Hoffman genes?

– Mel & Mike insist no one knows where the ape is. Mel thinks it is still on the Empire State Building.

– Commercial.

– They run into a guy who is certain that it is Phuket Zoo. They are convinced. If it fails, Mel wishes to go for a Thai massage.

– Jaime & Cara pass by Mark & Michael’s cab.

CARA: We passed by the Tweedles.

Oh man. I do not feel guilty about all of the references I have made to Mark & Michael’s height anymore.

phuket mark

Scrubs and busters holler out at girls from the passenger side of their friend’s ride.

For Tweedledee, he hollers out at girls from the back passenger side. Ouch.

– Jaime & Cara feel embarrassed about admitting their nickname for Mark & Michael.

phuket jaime cara 6

Okay. Just Cara.

MARK (from cab): YEAH! I LIKE HAVING A LITTLE BUMPER LIKE THIS!
CARA: They are just talking and talking.
JAIME: They are animated.
CARA: They are like characters from a cartoon movie.
JAIME: Hence the Tweedles were born.

Wow. That is. . .formal.

phuket mark 2

Hey Cara! Hey Cara! I am Tweedledee right and not Tweedledum! Cara! Cara! Hey! Look down here! Look down here!

– We hear Mark & Michael talk a lot about their physical conditioning and that they can beat anybody in a foot race for 10k.

– Jaime & Cara and Mark & Michael enter the shop together.  They take turns picking. Jaime SCREAMS at the shopkeeper because he does not understand English.

– Mel & Mike show up to the zoo. They have their picture with the tiger.

– Seeing people rotate as they pick a drawer is as exciting as it sounds. Kisha & Jen show up too.

– Mark & Michael are done first. Detour. 100 Barrels or Two Miles.

In 100 Barrels, teams show up to a harbour and help to prepare a fishing ship for ten days at sea. They will have to fill forty-seven barrels with enough drinking water to last the trip. They will toss up fifty-three barrels to the top of the deck and arrange them for the journey. We are not told, but we assume they will receive their clue once that is done.

In Two Miles, teams will pick a rickshaw. Pumps have been provided in the event of a flat tire. One team member will pull the rickshaw as the other person sits in the back. They will drag the rickshaw through the streets of Phuket to King Rama IX Park where they will find their next clue.

– Mark & Michael decide to pull the rickshaws because each of them is barely one hundred pounds soaking wet. Their weight when they are dry is unknown.

– Mel & Mike finish getting squished by elephants. They have the clue and get into the cab.

– Jaime & Cara continue to scream at the shopkeeper. Tammy & Victor and Margie & Luke are now present. It is a four-team rotation. Kisha & Jen have their clue. They decide to do 100 Barrels.

– Margie & Luke have some good luck as they have the clue next. Jaime is getting frustrated. She nags Tammy & Victor to go faster. Now that they are alone they scream at the shopkeeper to go in rows.

MIKE: I like everybody on the race except maybe Jaime. She is a mean girl.

NOTE: No, Mike White never wrote for Mean Girls. Sorry to disappoint you.

– Jaime describes the experience of the shopkeeper refusing to take a direct order and intentionally pick the drawer that is next to the one she wanted.

phuket jaime cara 7

He looks terrified as if he is avoiding slaps to the upside of the head.

phuket jaime 4

Jaime prepares her audition for the Happy Hands Club. Also known as the “I Cannot Wait to No Longer Deal With Foreigners” Club.

phuket jaime 5

Jaime blocks Cara from speaking to force the camera operator to re-focus on Jaime’s Superman impression.

– They finally have the clue. Jaime asks how far away it is to 100 Barrels. They do not get a straight answer from Sack.

– Mark & Michael show up to the Detour. They realize most of the tires are low. Mark comes up with the idea to put the pumps into the box and confuse the teams. Michael agrees it is a smart strategy because originally they were lined up neatly outside of the box. It is now tangled up too.

phuket mark 3

Why has nobody sabotaged other teams before in a task? I. Feel. Brilliant!

– Mark puts on the hat and starts pulling the rickshaw. He starts squealing again.

phuket mark 4

For the first time in Thailand’s history, the average person is taller than two visiting Americans.

– Mel & Mike have fun with the shopkeeper. They giggle and laugh along with him. A polar opposite strategy to Jaime & Cara.

– Kisha & Jen exit the cab. Luke wants to follow much to Margie’s chagrin because they think it is the wrong place. Jaime & Cara pull over. The driver knows where the other Detour option is. Margie & Luke decide to follow. Kisha & Jen do not bother to follow and decide to be lost as they aimlessly drive around.

– Mark & Michael know they have to pay their taxi to wait. Therefore they make good use of the driver’s time by instructing him to drive in front of their rickshaw and lead the way.

– Tammy & Victor find the rickshaw. Their cab offers to guide them by driving slightly in front of them. Just like what Mark & Michael asked their driver to do.

VICTOR: We can’t. We are not allowed to.

So if Victor says it is against the rules. . .uh oh.

– Mark & Michael’s box trick works as Tammy & Victor miss the pumps. Victor pulls the rickshaw. Thankfully that strategy will cancel out the 30 minute penalty.

TAMMY: I should have gone on a diet.

An Asian woman on a diet?

yates

Since when is the Courtney Yates figure back in?

– Mel & Mike continue to have fun picking empty drawers. Maybe Jen will be willing to take one of these 99 drawers for her own.
phuket mel mike 4

Mel is practicing to be a lawyer. Who knew.

phuket mel mike 5

And because his father is no longer a screenwriter, Mike feels compelled to follow suit.

phuket mike 3

Okay son. That is enough.

– Mel & Mike have their clue. Mike thinks they can still catch up. Mark & Michael suddenly switch on the rickshaw. Victor is running at a slow pace. Michael points out the entrance to the park. They decide to give their driver a lot of money because of the guided tour.

VICTOR: I don’t like saying this, but my sister is a little heavy.

No. You are really just out of shape.

– Jaime & Cara show up to the rickshaw. Jaime is going to pull it. They ask the driver if he knows. He does not understand. Jaime is pissed and heads back to the rickshaw out of frustration.

– Mark & Michael have the clue. They read they can walk, run, or hire to head to the Wat Thep Nimit Temple.

phuket temple

Unless you head to a remote island, every Thailand pit stop in any TAR franchise will be at a temple.

kathy selden

You can blame my sister for me knowing an obscure Kathy Selden reference from Singin’ in the Rain.

– Mark & Michael get back in their taxi. They are both excited.
MARK: Let’s go to Booty Hill.
(MICHAEL abruptly stops clapping.)
MICHAEL: Er, yeah.

Bangkok. Phuket. Elephants squishing the butts of tourists. Booty Hill? No wonder the sex trade is an ongoing problem in Thailand. Maybe if they stopped giving places dirty names, maybe the locals would stop having sex always on their mind!

– Kisha & Jen find the Pae Yod Fishing Dock. Jen’s big epiphany upon arrival?

phuket kisha jen 4

Not quite Cara Logic, but it is getting there.

– Kisha tosses up the barrels to Jen. She is not counting, but Jen counts aloud. Mel & Mike are stuck in the cab as their driver calls somebody on his cell phone.

– Mark & Michael think they tore up the round and believe everyone else will find it really hot and hard. They have corrected all of their mistakes from the first seven rounds and have learned. This race is now theirs for the taking. They are the frontrunners.

“FIRST”: Mark & Michael

phuket mark michael 3

Mark & Michael look up to Phil in triumph.

phuket greeter

Welcome to Thailand.

phuket mark michael 4

MARK: Very pretty girl.
MICHAEL: Very beautiful.
MARK: Looks good.
MICHAEL: I want to have a new wife.
MARK: I want to bone you.
MICHAEL: No, she’s mine.
MARK: No. Mine.
MICHAEL: I may be Tweetledum, but that doesn’t mean I can’t find an elephant that will touch her–

phuket phil

PHIL: Enough.
phuket phil 2

PHIL: Mark and Michael. . .

phuket mark michael 5

Michael prepares for a celebratory Picking of the Nose.

phuket phil 3

PHIL: You are the first team to arrive, and now my neck is sore from cranking my head so low.

phuket mark michael 6

MARK & MICHAEL: PHUK YEAH!
phuket phil 3

PHIL: However!

phuket mark michael 7

MARK & MICHAEL: ALL OF THE OTHER TEAMS PHUKING SUCK!

PHIL: Guys. . .

phuket mark michael 8

MARK: WE EVEN BEAT THOSE F—ING ASIANS!

phuket phil 4

PHIL: Mark & Michael. . .you Phuked up.

MARK & MICHAEL: Penalties? What?

phuket phil 4
PHIL: First of all, for intentionally tampering with a task by putting the pumps away. Secondly, for breaking the rules and hiring a taxi driver to lead you guys along the route. And thirdly, you forgot to go to Queens and get me a sugar cookie. Lastly, you needed to do ten jumping jacks upon entering the airport which you carelessly failed to do. For that, you have been giving two 30-minute penalties that I need you to wait out before I can check you in.

phuket michael 2

I totally forgot about the jumping jacks. . .

– Commercial.

phuket mark michael 9

Ten minutes have passed during the commercial break. Michael uses his iPhone to surf the web and pass the time.

– What does Michael want to do to Phil?

phuket mark michael 10

Is Michael Munoz going to have to choke a kiwi?

– We see Victor walking with the rickshaw. He is too tired. Tammy encourages him to walk the rest of the route after Victor refuses to switch. Something tells me Tammy would not be able to run for long.

– Luke leads the rickshaw. Margie has a tough time communicating with Luke for obvious reasons. They eventually ask for directions.

– Kisha & Jen catch on that they could have been filling up the barrels with water from the hose. They feel like idiots for not letting the barrels fill as they passed it up to their partner. Mel & Mike join them. They figure it out instantly that they can be doing both portions of the task simultaneously.

– 32:12 remain on Mark & Michael’s penalty. They appear to be well on their way to preserving their first place finish.

– Tammy & Victor see the Bandit taxi waiting at the park. Jaime & Cara switch a few times. Tammy & Victor see the marker and run to the clue. Margie tries to scream at Luke and create vibrations. Luke is unaware that he has the rickshaw bar too high to the point that Margie has to hang on for dear life to remain in the rickshaw.

– Margie eventually succeeds and orders Luke to switch with her. Probably a wise move. Mel orders Mike to start carrying two barrels at a time instead of one. Wow. Kisha & Jen are terrible at the art of efficiency.

– Tammy nags at Victor if they were supposed to bring the rickshaws to the clue. Victor insists they do not and continue running around the park. That is until. . .
phuket park

Even Victor must admit he was wrong. They backtrack to their rickshaw. Jaime & Cara did not make the same mistake as they are first to the clue. They decide to take a cab to the pit stop.

– Victor is exhausted. They ask their cab driver to follow behind them which is not against the rules. Jaime & Cara finally find a cab. Jaime -leaps- into the backseat of the cab.

TAMMY: I am so proud of you. Right now it is all in Mr. Bandit’s hands.

phuket bandit 2

Which apparently refers to a cell phone and a couple of CDs.

– Twelve minutes left on Mark & Michael’s penalty.

– Kisha & Jen and Mel & Mike continue working on the Detour. Margie switches with Luke at the end of the Detour out of exhaustion. Margie says the heat of Thailand has made it the toughest point in the race thus far.

– Mark & Michael have four minutes left on their penalty. Tammy & Victor swoop in. They are initially told that they are second, but because of the penalties. . .

FIRST: TAMMY & VICTOR – same as last week

They have won their second round in a row.

phuket tammy victor 4

And Tammy may or not have said the N-word. We do not know.

– Phil informs them they have won a trip for two to Oahu. Submarine tour and a bunch of other really cool stuff.

SECOND: JAIME & CARA ^ 3 from last week

JAIME & CARA: YAY!

phuket mark michael 11
MARK & MICHAEL (under their breath): Those f—ing Asians. . .

phuket mark michael 12

It’s like being stuck at the kid’s table at Thanksgiving for the past thirty years.

– Margie & Luke continue moving in the cab. Mark & Michael’s penalty is over.

THIRD: MARK & MICHAEL ^ up 3 from last week

– Mark is not discouraged by finishing third because they are still in the thick of the race.

– Margie & Luke run onto the mat. Producers are not worried at all.

phuket margie 2
Why, she is even struggling to stay inside the frame!

phuket margie 3

That is perfectly normal when it is 40 degrees Celsius outside.

– Phil goes ahead to announce they are fourth.

FOURTH: MARGIE & LUKE – same as last week

phuket margie luke 2

Luke celebrates as Margie does not utter a sound.

phuket margie luke 3

Luke keeps up the celebration as Margie edges closer and closer to the ground.

phuket margie luke 4

This is either a hug or Margie’s only sense of stability.

– Phil speaks a bit too soon.

phuket phil 5

Bionic Woman does it again!
coach hair

On your knees!

phuket phil 6

Guys, I think Bionic Woman’s power is shutting down. We need to re-fuel it with some water!

phuket margie 4

Bionic Fail.

– We have never seen boom mics intentionally be shown since Russell Swan’s collapse in Survivor: Samoa.

russell swan

Margie’s dehydration is Little League compared to him.

– Commercial. Never before have they had such a late commercial in the episode. There are only three minutes until the episode is over. Luke is stuck alone as Phil personally tends to Margie. He has brought her an ambulance but she waves him off.

phuket margie phil

You do not see Phil doing this every day! Thankfully a team does not try to check in while Phil is away.

– Speaking of water, we see teams fill up the barrels with water from the hose. Kisha & Jen finish the Detour.

phuket barrel

Margie’s Liquid Dream.

– Kisha & Jen enter the cab. Remember how I said Kisha has a ridiculous laugh? Well she has an equally funny sneeze.

KISHA: Ah-jeh-jeh-jeh.

It is like Sneezy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves when he tries to stop sneezing. There is like a four second stutter before he does so. I never thought anybody could sneeze like that outside of a Disney cartoon.

sneezy

Kisha.
phuket kisha 4

She really does have a cold case. Jen tells her to shut up after the fourth sneeze.

phuket driver

The driver is laughing really hard as he watches Kisha sneeze in the rearview mirror.

– Mel & Mike continue filling up barrels.

– Kisha & Jen exit the cab and start running along the streets. They meet up with a group of monks. Apparently it is the wrong place. Mel & Mike are done the Detour. Mike hopes the driver knows where he is going for once. Kisha & Jen are told the temple is very far away as they enter a white van. We assume it is a cab.

phuket kisha jen 5

What type of taxi is that?! A woman is wearing a hybrid nun-tuxedo outfit.

– Suspense builds as we see who finishes fifth.

FIFTH: KISHA & JEN v 2 from last week

– Mel & Mike are the only ones who have to do the Roadblock or the only ones shown doing it.

MIKE: Who is feeling checked out?

– Mel volunteers.

– Mike reads that teams must challenge a tourist in town to a game of Checkers. Once they have won a game, they will receive their next clue.

– So who is this tourist that Mel has to face?

ray meredith soweto

Oh god. He smells the aging blood. We know he will bring no mercy.

– Mel somehow manages to hold his own and beat the tourist.

germany mel 2

He teaches the youth a lesson in how to kick ass at the Checkers table. You can feel the intensity in his eyes.

– Even at a game of Checkers, he beats a tourist. Mel receives the clue. Him and Mike enter a taxi and head to the pit stop. It is too bad that their efforts prove to be futile.

LAST: MEL & MIKE v 4 from last week

– Is it a non-elimination? Nope. Their rooster is cooked. Phil high fives each of them as he says he is sorry to see them go.

MEL: What is so special about Mike? He is smart, he is wise, he is mature. This is my kid. I have left something that will make the world a better place.

phuket mel mike 7

Dad. . .you’re embarrassing me.

MEL: I had aches and pains and groans and groins.

He had been waiting all season to set that up as his farewell message.

– Mike says it was the first time that they were teammates. It was a great gift that the race provided them. And they’re gone.
.
.
.
.
And you were annoyed with all of my immature Phuket puns? Well guess what?

japan fook

Phuk Yu!

– Next Time on TAR: Teams karaoke in Thailand.  And after Mark & Michael make a critical mistake, the gloves come off.

P.S. No, there was not an unaired Roadblock. In fact, there was no Roadblock at all this round! The zoo and the ‘pick that drawer’ challenge pushed a Roadblock away.

P.P.S. This was the only round that offered a Fast Forward. The task was to purchase items for an orphanage and deliver it to them. I guess this was unaired because production did not want the audience to hate the teams for unanimously agreeing to shut out an orphanage.

soweto orphanage 2

I guess we will never get to see another kid getting hit in the head by a soccer ball.

But seriously, what would have been the audience reaction if they found out all six teams ignored the orphanage? There would be outrage, I tells ya.

CONFESSIONAL COUNT

TAMMY.VICTOR 2.3
MARGIE.LUKE 4.0
KISHA.JEN 4.2
MEL.MIKE 3.2
MARK.MICHAEL 9.5
JAIME.CARA 7.5

RANK THE TEAMS:

1)

Brad & Victoria

The sequel to Fran & Barry, but with improvised vision.

They did quite well by finishing in the middle of the pack both rounds. However, come round three and they made a mistake that far too many racers make:

Intentionally getting yourself on an earlier flight alone but the arrival time is in the middle of the night when you are bound to run into an equalizer.

Even if the 730pm flight panned out for Brad & Victoria, they would have been on the exact same 630am train as the other eight teams. What else should they expect at two o’ clock in the morning?

This is famously known as the error that Uchenna & Joyce made in All Stars where they ended up about twelve hours behind.

The episode was equally boring as the Uchenna & Joyce boot thanks to Brad & Victoria’s flight delay putting them on the mat roughly eight to twelve hours later. I wish we would know how their face was cut up. Did they both face plant on a twig?

Brad’s drug addiction is something we did not learn about until their final appearance. I am not sure why production did not want to incorporate it into his edit beyond the ten second mention, but I must admit that not bashing us over the head with that fact made Brad & Victoria much more ‘real’ than the other teams.

It is too bad that they were gone early because they are one of the 50+ year old couples that have a legitimate chance to win The Amazing Race. Those teams appear rarely on the race.

2)

Steve & Linda

I wish I could have done more to make the comparisons of Steve to Goofy. Sadly there is only so much you can do in two rounds.

The lesson here is that Linda is terrible at racing. I think her only skill was spotting the yellow sign. Otherwise she qualifies for the short list as one of the weakest racers in TAR history.

I should note that Steve & Linda DO NOT have an abusive relationship. The screen caps and the yelling and the crying just make it appear that way.

I found them to be more ‘real’ and entertaining than Preston & Jennifer. Other than that they had zero business being on a show as competitive as TAR. It is a miracle that they even made it to round two overall.

3)

Preston & Jennifer

Before I re-watched this season I remember them for nothing except the piggyback ride in the final seconds of the episode.

In fact, their inability to piggyback on the pack is what did them in. They couldn’t even find the first train station and were saved by the 745am departure time.

Preston & Jennifer may be one of the worst 20-something mactor couples in terms of being able to perform well at TAR.

a) They couldn’t find a train station that everyone else found.
b) They must have sucked at driving to end up on the last flight
c) They screwed up a physical challenge such as transporting cheese.
d) They were at the pit stop location before Christie & Jodi, but ran into the wrong direction.
e) A piggyback ride was believed to be necessary in the first round’s final seconds.

There really is nothing this team could do well and definitely deserve finishing in dead last for TAR 14.

Production really wanted to have their next Nathan & Jennifer judging by a couple of their ridiculous arguments, but it is tough to have another Nathan & Jennifer when you cast a team who struggles with every dimension to the race.

4)

Mel & Mike

Cast only because of Mike’s “fame”. In fact, those quotes are not enough. Mike is “”famous”” because of his appearance in School of Rock and Undeclared, and his writing credits for Dawson’s Creek, School of Rock, and some other shows in the decade leading up to TAR 14 that nobody really cares about.

Mel is a great speaker. Add in that he is the oldest racer to make it to the seventh round and you have a candidate for one of very few older racers who could do fine if he returned in an all-star format.

Although Fran & Barry would be ideal.

Some of their jokes were a bit forced and playing up for the camera, but hey, they need to advance their careers somehow.

I am sure production liked them because they were able to be entertaining characters without needing to argue with other teams.

We shall always wonder why they never took the unaired Fast Forward. Oh well.

And yes, they are dropped to fourth because their “”fame”” is the only reason why they were cast for this race.

5)

Christie & Jodi

They would be ranked higher, but it is for what Jodi does in the future that her and Christie are brought this low.

Christie’s bubbly moments were unlike what virtually anybody could bring to the TAR franchise. She was unintentionally funny.

Jodi was way too serious and just. . .ugh, no sense of humour at all. Then she manages to screw up a season down the road.

Plus Jodi was terribly skilled as a racer. The only time her and Christie had a decent finish is when they were lucky to be at the correct airport to head into Krasnoyarsk alone with two other teams.

And those two teams? Kisha & Jen and Mark & Michael.

Jodi could possibly be the worst racer we have encountered in the TAR franchise to make it as far as seventh.

6)

Amanda & Chris/Kris & Jon

I did not like how they were the only returning players in this cast. If you are going to bring people back, it should be in an all-star format. No different with Survivor and Big Brother.
.
.
.
I seriously have nothing to say about Amanda & Kris. Like. . .what the f— is there to say?

RANK THE LEGS:

1) Los Alamitos, California -> Stechelberg, Switzerland

I give kudos to production for allowing their thrill-seeking task to be out of the way early. Doing the second highest bungee jump in the world is certainly no small feat. Believe it or not this was the second bungee jump they have done in Switzerland.

This really needed to be a longer premiere. It truly is a shame that we could not see the first scramble to the airport nor seeing teams interact with each other before the lying and deceiving would begin. Seeing teams have fun before flying to the first route marker is one of my favourite parts to each season.

There was no Detour because production wanted teams to carry cheese down a steep hill instead. Production knew they had struck gold because this had one of the most screen cap intensive scenes in the history of my blog. There is something about people falling on their butt, scooting on their butt, and rogue wheels of cheese crashing through Swiss houses that led to lots of laughter.

Overall, this was a very solid leg, and will probably be my favourite by TAR 14 standards.

2) Bran, Romania -> Krasnoyarsk, Russia

A battle for flights at the beginning was great. Four flight paths for eight teams? You do not see that happen too often.

But that collapsed when all teams were connecting on the same Moscow flight. However, for a relatively unexplained reason, teams were split between two Moscow airports to head to Krasnoyarsk. I think half of the teams were dropped off at the domestic airport while the other half were at the international airport.

The time difference was roughly four hours between flights. The equalizer at the dam was reasonable because it opened at 8:30am and stayed open relatively late.

Anyways, I loved the wood stacking and window constructing Detour. It is a Detour that could be used in Siberia or northern Canada. Both tasks appeared rather difficult. The falling stacks of wood was rather amusing.

The group of people at the Detour camping out as they eat strange food and laughing at the falling stacks as well as the drunken lady who was dancing and singing the whole time. I have never seen people so energetic in the morning.

The Roadblock added an extra layer to what was becoming a tired task. They have used multiple bobsled runs in the past where all they had to do was complete it under a specific time limit. The addition of coming up with a Russian last name that does not require you to know his name, and instead use logical reasoning, was a refreshing change to the task.

The introduction of the Blind U-Turn is a change I do not particularly mind. Whether it is a Blind U-Turn or have its senses fully functional does not matter much to me. However I do not understand why its use had to be hyped up at the start of the episode.

The only con to the episode was how much airtime Margie & Luke received, but I guess that is expected from a team that production wanted to be the first three-timers in TAR history.

And the round in Siberia proved that it is drastically different from the previous four Russian rounds in TAR where they spent it in major cities west of the Urals.

3) Novosibirsk, Russia -> Jaipur, India

It is somehow in the top half out of the first six legs of the season. As much as I rag on production sending teams to India for the eleventh leg in TAR history, they were able to come up with some unique tasks. In fact it beat the India rounds from TAR 12 and 13.

The tasks were original except for the Speed Bump. Feeding camels was neat to see before they go on to be a bunch of divas in Abu Dhabi.

Jaime freaking out at taxi drivers for no good reason was great too.

The sweltering heat really took its toll on teams. I just wish the camel task and the Shakers tasks were a bit tougher.

But do you know how they have run out of ideas for India? Because they decided to plop a red phone next to a sacred tree. I never thought production would stoop so low as to make teams listen to a call centre.

Mark & Michael provided most of the entertainment this round as they were oblivious to their awful jokes and their offensive ululating like they were doing a bad Leo & Jamal impersonation.

The two huge negatives are the over-the-top Margie & Luke moments of emotion, and yet another freakin’ “there is poverty but they are all so harmonious” clips. There must be an hour of that footage total that has aired on TAR over the years.

But why this leg is up to number three for the time being is because of two things:

– Man spontaneously kicked by camel.
– Pit stop greeter playing a flute up his nose.

4) Salzburg, Austria -> Bran, Romania

Gymnastics. Loading up a gypsy cart. Minimal equalizers. A quote from Young Frankenstein. Running aimlessly through the woods. A new country. Scrambling for the best flights.

These are all makings of a great round of TAR. In fact I would have ranked this as the best round of the season by far because this is the only new country of the season and the tasks were great.

But then it had to be ruined by showing Tammy & Victor for the majority of the episode! Just look at the confessional counts of the episode. For once Margie & Luke were pushed to the side in favour of Tammy & Victor of all people. We saw a minimum of a five minute breakdown of each of their tasks.

Production is trying way too hard to make us like Tammy & Victor. It is not like they were hidden in the first two episodes either. Why keep showing us a team that mildly annoys us and has a personality that is impossible for the viewers to identify with as they watch?

To make things worse, the only team other than Brad & Victoria to be shown was. . .virtually no one. We had the first Jaime blow-up, a bit of Kris & Jon because of their blunder, and Mel & Mike’s victory.

But other than that it is impossible to think of a single thing that the other teams did. It was entirely from the perspective of Brad & Victoria and Tammy & Victor.

Ugh. They ruined the best round of the race by doing this. Now it is an episode that many TAR viewers have forgotten because Tammy & Victor are people you try your absolute best to forget!

5) Krasnoyarsk, Russia -> Novosibirsk, Russia

The underwear run should have been longer and more gruelling. No navigation to the pit stop was a bit annoying (unless you were Mark & Michael).

Too much focus on Luke and Victor yet freakin’ again.

Not seeing teams check out of the pit stop annoyed me.

The snowplows were far easier than the bride task. Like people who never drive cars were completing the snowplows on their first try.

The only thing that saves this round is that teams had to drive themselves to a couple of route markers using the Lada and struggling with a stick shift. It shocks me that there will always be players who do not learn how to drive a stick upon entering the race!

And another indoor pit stop at a theatre two rounds in a row was repetitive. These two rounds have been molded into one in my memory for the past five years. I thought the last round was going to be underwear running and the bobsled Chekhov puzzle, but realized that those were both Roadblocks.

Two rounds in a row in not only the same country, but also the same climate, and also using identical locations for the pit stop really drags down this episode.

Oh, and it was a non-elimination.

6) Stechelberg, Switzerland -> Salzburg, Austria

The round was constructed with zero equalizers. I do not understand why we needed a two minute dedication to Margie & Luke at the start of the episode, but for some reason it was there.

The Roadblock was your usual paragliding task, but seeing it reduced to a one hour jog down the mountain made for some boring television to the point that production did not include any of it except for Linda’s wrong turn on TV.

We saw the growing gap between Kisha & Jen. Seeing Jen’s increasing levels of frustration with Kisha’s older siblingitis was fun to watch.

Watching Mel narrate ten minutes of the episode was annoying because you knew that he is only narrating due to the minor celebrity status of himself and Mike. The part where Mike tries to scale the gate was definitely worthy of being on TV as Phil looks on trying not to laugh.

Pie throwing acting as a needle in the haystack task was boring. The Segway obstacle course was overly linear and straightforward to the point that barely any of the footage made it on TV.

Seeing the woodcutters was neat. The pit stop location was gorgeous.

Mark & Michael being idiots by not asking for a cell phone inside the cab was amusing.

Then watching Steve & Linda’s interactions for the whole round was definitely the meat and potatoes of the episode. Linda’s performance in these two rounds qualifies her as one of the worst racers in terms of ability to appear in the show’s history. Wonderful people, but Steve & Linda were not built for TAR.

The only person with worse abilities than Linda are the abilities of the casting director for TAR 18.

The trend of seasons that visit Europe are weak overall does not slow down thanks to the kajillionth trip to Germany and Austria.

P.S. When this episode aired on TV I was quite sleepy. Rewatching it today and that has not changed.

P.P.S. What was up with the one minute dedication to Margie & Luke between the ‘Previously On’ and Intro segments? Ridiculous.

7) Jaipur, India -> Phuket Thailand

This was a lame design. A zoo where you just move between two stations is not challenging. Neat, but not challenging. That picture seemed easy to figure out if you spent at least one minute on the street.

The ‘Pick a Drawer’ task may be the lamest task I have ever seen on TAR that does not involve gas stations or climbing up onto a big chair.

Nobody bothered with the Fast Forward, thus making it the first season ever where a Fast Forward was offered but ignored for the whole season.

And there was no reason to not have a Roadblock. It just gives the weaker players a free pass.

Did we really need to see that many monkeys?

The only things that made up for it this round is that Tammy & Victor and Margie & Luke received far less attention this round. Jaime & Cara, Mark & Michael, and Kisha’s sneezes provided ninety-nine percent of the entertainment. I think Mark & Michael may be my favourite characters because of how odd and unique their personalities are.

Oh, and their penalties for doing things that are clearly stated in the race rules. Nobody has received two penalties for breaking race rules in the same round. A one hour penalty is unheard of in TAR.

Lastly, Margie passing out after being declared the Bionic Woman was a great example of dark comedic timing. Phil could not have said it at a better time.

Team Averages

Bulls—
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A
— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Preston & Jennifer 11.0
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0
11th Ari & Staella 11.0
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0
11th John & Scott 11.0
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0
10th A Black Family 10.0
— F +–
10th Steve & Linda 9.5
10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????)
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.)
10th Kate & Pat 9.0
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
9th Marianna & Julia 8.33
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8 – Yielded
8th Marisa & Brooke 7.75 – Sucked.
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Aiello Family 7.0
–D minus–
8th Tom & Terry 7.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
9th Brad & Victoria 6.6666666666 – Fran & Barry 2.0
7th Christie & Jodi 6.6666666 – Mark of the Casting Director Devil
9th Rogers Family 6.5
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25
7th Aja & Cabbie 6.2
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF
–D+–
10th Ernie & Jeena 6.0
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
7th Dave & Lori 5.83
5th Kami & Karli 5.8
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
7th Shana & Jennifer 5.8 Used U-Turn
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
6th Gaghan Family 5.5
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
8th Sahil & Prashant 5.4 FF
–C minus–
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33
7th Gus & Hera 5.29
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
8th Lorena & Jason 5.25 U-Turned
3rd Andrew & Dan 5.18
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
6th Kelly & Christy 5.14
7th Ray & Deana – 5.0 FF
7th Melody & Sharon 5.0
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
9th Mark & Bill 5.0 – Wah.
5th Fran & Barry 4.89
6th Howard & Sahran 4.88
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85 – Yielded
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
7th Teri & Ian All Stars 4.83
7th Schroeder Family 4.75
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71 – Used Yield
6th Brian & Greg 4.71
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF and Used Yield and Yielded
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
8th Amanda & Kris – 4.5 Blind U-Turned
5th Uchenna & Joyce All Stars 4.33 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
–B minus–
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23
3rd Nicolas & Donald 4.18 FF and U-Turned
4th Linda & Karen 4.17
3rd Charla & Mirna All Stars 4.15
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF and Used Yield
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11
5th Andy & Laura 4.00 – Yielded
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
1st Zabrina & Joe Jer 3.77
2nd Sandy & Francesca 3.77 – Used Yield
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
–B+–
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
5th Kynt & Vyxsin 3.63 Used Yield
1st Eric & Danielle All Stars 3.62 – Yielded Twice
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF
6th Mel & Mike 3.57
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56
4th Joseph & Monica 3.50 – Yielded
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46 – Used Yield and Yielded
2nd Ronald & Christina 3.45
4th Nathan & Jennifer 3.40 – Never finished in 1st
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
1st Chip & Kim 3.38 – Used Yield
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31
5th Terence & Sarah 3.25
1st TK & Rachel 3.18
4th Godlewski Family 3.18
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17 – Used Yield
–A minus–
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 3.17
3rd Weaver Family 3.15 – Yielded Twice
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF
4thToni & Dallas 3.10 Still in Russia
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00 – Yielded
6th Azaria & Hendekea 3.00
4th Hayden & Aaron 2.92
2nd Dustin & Kandice All Stars 2.92 – Used Yield
2nd Bransen Family 2.85
1st Linz Family 2.77 – Used Yield
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
–BEST OF THE BEST–
8th Rob & Amber All Stars 2.75 – Used Yield
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny All Stars 2.67 FF x2 and Used Yield
2nd Ken & Tina 2.64 FF
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF and Yielded
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF and Used Yield
1st Nick & Starr 2.45 FF
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF

Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)

11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF
18 legs Danielle 4.78
19 legs Teri & Ian 4.63 FF
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF
20 legs Charla & Mirna 4.00 None
21 legs Joe & Bill 3.71 FF
22 legs Uchenna & Joyce 3.64 FF x2
*31 legs Eric & Danielle 3.48 FF
23 legs Oswald & Danny 3.30 FF x3!
25 legs Dustin & Kandice 3.04 None
26 legs Eric 2.65 FF
17 legs Rob & Amber 2.41 None

* I determined Eric & Danielle’s average in this last section by adding up all of their individual points from TAR 9, then adding up their total points in All Stars and dividing it by 31.

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