Cris Judd–Where The F— Was He Then?

OPRAH’S WHERE ARE THEY NOW

The whole concept of programs revolving around “Where Are They Now?” of celebrities we once knew, or just are not in the mainstream anymore, is a piece of television programming that has stuck around for the past twenty years. If I recall correctly, VH1 was the most well-known for “Where Are They Now?” shows.

So apparently Oprah has started doing her own, and all are based off of people she interviewed in the past.

When I was channel surfing last week is when I saw the advertisement for that show in the Guide.

“We interview Hulk Hogan, Carrot Top, and one of Jennifer Lopez’s ex-husband, Cris Judd”.

Hulk Hogan and Carrot Top I understand.

But holy crap. Cris Judd? The only thing I could come up with is that he was on the first of only two instalments ever of “I’m a Celebrity. .Get Me Out of Here!” when I was in elementary school.

And if the only person who remembers you is a guy who can only recall you due to being a reality TV fanatic in his childhood, well, you my friend have serious problems.

How does it warrant a “Where Are They Now?” segment?

It should be changed to “Where The F– Was He Then?”

I was stumped. How could they possibly do a segment on Cris Judd? I decided to watch something else until his segment came on because I wanted to see if ninety-eight or ninety-nine percent of it would be about our beloved Jenny From The Block.

So the segment opens up with an interview from 2002 with J-Lo. There used to not be much archival footage for Oprah, but now she has a lot. They eventually bring up her relationship with Cris Judd in the clip.

Then Oprah does her usual “After going into a club with her then-boyfriend Puff Daddy that resulted in a shootout where some dude named Curtis was shot nine times, and marrying some guy named Marc Antony who nearly died after being bitten by an asp because of a jealous girlfriend, J-Lo started dating back-up dancer Cris Judd.”

So they recap how they met. Again none of this is really a “Where Are They Now?” but rather it is five minutes of “Remember What Remotely Little This Guy Did Back Then?”

Suddenly we launch into a minute about how awesome it was for him to work with Michael Jackson as one of his dancers. Seriously. These are all just stories about J-Lo and MJ.

Then he begins to discuss his relationship with J-Lo. How discreet they had to be and leaving restaurants and any other place separately to preserve the secrecy of their relationship. They show a major awards red carpet where J-Lo occupies ninety percent of the frame as Cris stands twenty feet away and awkwardly leaning his body into the frame to cover one percent of it.

It is the saddest thing I have ever seen.

Once their relationship was public he rambles on about how crazy it was to put up with the paparazzi who tailed him until the day he and J-Lo were married.

Now here is the best part: They have random subtitles appear dramatically on a dark background in transition between topics. Particularly certain dates.

JENNIFER LOPEZ DIVORCES CRIS JUDD IN JUNE 2002

Okay. A bit dramatic but I will roll with it.

Once he starts discussing his new life, he says this:

“I just hate to be known as Jennifer Lopez’s husband, Cris Judd rather than she being known as Cris Judd’s wife. Tough to take.”

Guess what is the next subtitle they show by pure accident in post-production?

JENNIFER LOPEZ DIVORCES CRIS JUDD IN JUNE 2002

They happened to screw up by accident at the lone moment when it would go directly against Cris Judd’s biggest issue during the interview.

Keep in mind that the Guide description for the episode specifically said “We catch up with Jennifer Lopez’s ex-husband Cris Judd”.

I do not care to watch Oprah’s Where Are They Now? ever again because it was clearly the saddest and most unintentionally funny segment I can think of that could air on that show.

I bet you have reached the end of this and still scratching your head as to who Cris Judd is, but were able to catch on to my Marc Antony joke. And for that I applaud you.

P.S. And guess what he is up to now? He is a judge for New Zealand’s Got Talent. Look for winners Brett, Jemaine, and their manager Moo-Ray to be featured in the near future.

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