“I’m Not Watching An Episode Where Luke Fits Into a Girl’s Leotard”
SWITZERLAND – GERMANY – AUSTRIA – ROMANIA – RUSSIA – INDIA – THAILAND – CHINA – USA
I Am Not Watching That Asian Man’s Meltdown
Phil’s episode blog. It is the first recorded use of the word “flummoxed” outside of New Zealand.
God. Can he give us anything remotely insightful?
Previously on TAR: Eleven teams set out on a race around the world. The race’s first deaf contestant, Luke, and his mother Margie won the first leg of the race exceeding everyone’s expectations. The mother and son quickly developed an alliance with cheerleaders Jaime & Cara. Father and son Mel & Mike struggled with Mel’s injury only to soar ahead to a second place finish.
In episode one, stuntmen Mark & Michael proved their medal. While flight attendants Christie & Jodi barely escaped elimination two weeks in a row.
Siblings and lawyers Tammy & Victor went no holds barred on the second leg and came in first.
Coming Up Tonight: After two legs of solid teamwork, siblings Tammy & Victor begin t unravel in Romania and threatens their standing in the race.
What the f—? A Coming Up segment for what we will see in about twenty minutes? As if seeing it before a commercial break, after a commercial break, the ‘Next Time On’ segment at the end of episode two, and presumably during the ‘Previously On’ segment of episode four is not enough.
– Phil introduces us to Salzburg.
– Tammy & Victor, who were the first to arrive, will depart at 1013am. An eighteen hour pit stop it seems. Victor reads they must take a train to Munich. Once there they will fly seven hundred miles to Bucharest, Romania. Once they land they will take a taxi to a Gymnastics Hall. It is the same gymnastics hall where Nadia Comaneci trained.
PHIL: Go to where Nadia Comaknee trained.
Good ol gymnastics legend Nadia Comaknee.
He talks about Nadia Comaneci in his sleep.
– Tammy reveals that Victor can analyze things quicker than most people, but Victor’s biggest flaw is that he refuses to be wrong. She wants to go to the train station but Victor wants to head to a travel agency first.
And since Victor is the older male sibling, Victor gets his way.
– Tammy & Victor are at the travel agency.
Tarom flight: 445pm departure.
– Tammy drives the car as Victor directs her. They stroll to the train station and board the train. Yikes, their lead must be big.
And wow. They are a REALLY boring team to watch. Last round we put up with three minutes of them being miles ahead of everyone else. These ninety seconds were equally unbearable. I do not think I have been less invested in a team in my life.
– Mel & Mike depart second at 1201pm. Tammy & Victor are in good shape when their closest competition is two hours away and has a groin injury.
Do you remember how Mike is supposedly a celebrity just because he wrote and appeared in School of Rock as well as write scripts for Dawson’s Creek and Undeclared? Well guess what is the first thing Mel & Mike talk about.
MEL: I love having a famous son making movies. School of Rock has been seen all over the world. I like that the work in Hollywood has not gone to Mike’s head. He is still Mike.
See guys? Production just wants you to understand that Mike is the same as all of us. The only thing that has gone to Mike’s head is the idea of him and his father believing he is actually famous. Mike breathes the same air as us, but unfortunately that same air has a side effect of making Mike White delusional.
Kris & Jon depart second at 205am. . .wait, I do not get it. How are they second but departing eight hours earlier than everyone else except Tammy & Victor? But yet Tammy & Victor began after ten o’ clock in the morning. I just don’t get it.
And where did Kris’ face go?!
She looks like The Blank from Dick Tracy.
– Margie & Luke begin at 1230am. They have 332 dollars for this leg of the race. Luke wishes he does not have to rely on his mom all of the time and desires to communicate with other teams.
Really? You want to communicate with other teams? Kisha & Jen are a mess, Tammy & Victor are boring and unrelatable, Mel & Mike are delusional, and you would have to wait twelve hours to talk to Christie & Jodi.
Luke is the first person to have confessionals in the form of on-screen thought bubbles in TAR history. Luke really is chasing down the record for the highest number of firsts in the TAR franchise.
What is this? Pop-up Video meets TAR? And the day Sugar Ray would appear in this blog was certainly not a day I was expecting.
MARGIE: Oh, Romania? I thought Bucharest was Hungary.
I think I know who is applying for TAR 15!
– Tammy is excited at the airport because she has the 320pm flight to Bucharest. A lead is in the works for them.
– Brad & Victoria begin the round at 1253pm. Victoria says that they have been through a lot. Brad goes into military mode as he recites that he is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic for the past twenty-five years.
I have been recovering since before Logan was born and making inappropriate remarks regarding Luke and Mark & Michael.
Just do not hang out with the Baskauksas crowd, whatever you do.
The drug addiction really explains the Stu Ungar sunglasses.
– Jaime & Cara depart sixth. Oh, and they are gone. I guess it is because they are not in a scene with Luke.
– Next train. Kris & Jon, Margie & Luke, Mel & Mike, and Brad & Victoria. Kris & Jon find somebody on the train who called the travel agency for them and found the 445pm Tarom flight.
– Kris realizes that gives them only thirty minutes to run from the train and catch the flight. The local insists they will not make it. Kris thinks her and Jon can run fast to make it.
The man taunts Kris about how fast she can be.
– Brad one-ups Kris & Jon by finding an entire family on the train. They tell them about the 445pm flight but also insist that Brad & Victoria will be too late.
Their only appearance on American television.
– We are told about the two remaining flights for the day. The 445pm flight is the one that the locals are telling everyone will be impossible to catch because of the tiny thirty minute window.
One flight is twelve hours after a Matlock re-run, while the other flight is two hours before the other re-run.
But seriously, that is a huge gap if you cannot make the 930pm flight.
– Brad & Victoria decide to not even try for the 445pm flight because there is not enough time. Brad asks them to book the 930pm flight for them. Victoria tells Brad that they need to get more options at the airport because five hours is too large of a gap.
Because otherwise he will have too much time to meet up with this dealer.
– Kisha & Jen depart 7th at 151pm. Jen says she knows they can get to the end but need to tighten up communication and rectify their ability to ask for directions.
– 200pm. Mark & Michael begin the round. Several teams had a ninety minute lead on Mark & Michael and Christie & Jodi. Yet Tammy & Victor start this round just under four hours ahead of Mark & Michael?
– Christie & Jodi start in last again at 242pm. We hear nothing from these last two teams.
– Tammy & Victor board the 325pm flight to Budapest–Bucharest.
– The next train gets into the Munich airport. Mel & Mike and Kris & Jon are on the 445pm flight. Brad & Victoria show up to the counter next but are told they are too late.
– Their flight is a 730pm flight through KLM that arrives at midnight. The Lufthansa 930pm flight arrives *voice dub* later. Yeah, no idea when the Lufthansa flight gets in. Brad & Victoria choose to board the KLM flight because they want a jump on the last few teams who will be on the 930pm flight. Even though there is a strong possibility of an equalizer at midnight.
NOTE: When producers fudge up a confessional to not tell you the arrival time of every flight means something really bad is about to happen.
– We are now updated on Tammy & Victor’s flight.
I love the guy on the right who is awkwardly staring at him.
You have to fly back to Munich? The technical difficulties may be that production kicked the engine to ensure that Tammy & Victor’s lead is not too big.
Can you think of a time where a flight is in the air on TAR and is forced to turn around mid-flight?
Depending on how far they have flown, Tammy & Victor may very well end up on the last flight of the evening. Those are the breaks when you take a flight by yourself in The Amazing Race. We have learned that lesson time and time again.
– Brad & Victoria tell us that somebody named “Dominique” is the one on the train who told them about the 930pm flight.
Which one is Dominique is beyond me.
– Tammy & Victor are back in Munich and already have tickets for the 445pm flight. They are ready to go. Well, until Victor wonders why their shuttle bus is not moving.
Either that taxi is blocking the road or that lethal Munich fog is reducing visibility.
– 445PM FLIGHT: KRIS & JON; MARGIE & LUKE; MEL & MIKE
I don’t know who that guy is, but he sure loves his gum.
Kris & Jon are happy that Tammy & Victor do not appear to be on the flight.
– The 445pm flight has taken off. Tammy & Victor know the flight is gone.
– Jaime & Cara, Tammy & Victor, Kisha & Jen, Christie & Jodi, and Mark & Michael are all on the 930pm flight. Victor reveals that it gets in at 1225am flight.
Forget what I said earlier. . .right?
I should note that the first ten minutes of this episode has been narrated by Tammy & Victor. Christie, Jodi, Jaime, Cara, Kisha, Mark, and Michael have all said nothing.
– Brad & Victoria’s 730pm flight to Bucharest via Amsterdam awaits them.
What are these planes made of? How can you have two major planes go down? This is why people foolishly believe that cars are safer than planes.
– Brad & Victoria board their plane and will hustle once they get into Amsterdam.
BRAD: I do not want to spend the night in Amsterdam.
Why do you not want to spend the night in Amsterdam, Brad?
Because it is legal in Amsterdam, man.
– So maybe we will hear from one of the teams who have rarely spoken all season, right?
No, because we need to see Tammy & Victor sit down and eat in an airport restaurant.
– Jaime & Cara converse with Tammy & Victor and heard about the flight problems.
“As long as we are seen with Tammy & Victor or Luke, we will always get airtime!”
Kisha does her best Nelson Muntz impression.
Michael does a little dance.
Even though Victor is sitting, he has to look down to see what Michael is doing.
Victoria strokes her beard as we head to commercial break.
– Commercial break.
And the news just gets worse and worse. Nobody will feel this bad again until they see James & Abba.
9:15am? From Amsterdam? A place further away from Bucharest than Munich? All other teams are going to be in Bucharest no later than 1215am. Even if it was an equalizer the latest it opens due to closing at night is usually ten o’ clock in the morning. But generally they open at eight or nine in the morning.
That would be before Brad & Victoria would board the 915am flight. This is best case scenario for Brad & Victoria.
I cannot see them any less than three hours behind if there is an equalizer.
If there is not an equalizer then they be behind by over twelve hours.
– Bucharest. The first flight gets into the airport. Kris & Jon, Margie & Luke, and Mel & Mike get into cabs. They arrive at the gymnasium. Will it be open or closed?
Of course it is open! It is a gymnastics hall in Romania. They are open 365 days per year and are open for eighteen hours per day. They even have beds in the storage closet for the twelve year old athletes to sleep for a couple hours before they begin training again.
And every fourth year they expand their schedule to be open 366 days.
– It is a Roadblock. What could they be doing in a gymnastics hall? That person
1. Balance Beam.
2. Parallel Bars.
3. Floor exercises.
Once they perform all of the exercises correctly and in order at each of the three stations, they will receive their next clue.
– Okay. I need to talk about my experiences with gymnastics in high school.
Grade 8: I managed to convince the school counsellor to let me do weight training at home instead of gymnastics because of how much I sucked after the first day.
In all other courses in high school I averaged roughly 99.9% attendance. Grade 8 gym? I showed up 52% of the time.
Grade 9: I did a turnaround and decided to stick it out in every unit. I showed up to every gymnastics class for the three-week unit, and every exercise was divided into a beginner, intermediate, difficult, and expert level.
No matter how much I practiced each routine, I was stuck with doing beginner for all exercises. I tried intermediate for The Vault, but that is because there was a way to do a beginner-like version of one of the moves that you needed to do.
Grade 10: Same thing.
My most memorable moments are nearly falling through the parallel bars when we had to do a somersault on them to travel for beginner, and when I attempted to Skin the Cat on the High Bar, my arms were weak at that age that I could not hold up my weight when you do the backwards flip and fell.
And now here I am seven years later as I am training for triathlons, marathons, and can do a set of ten chin-ups no problem. My physique has come a long ways.
I wish she would trip when handing teams their clue.
– Kris is doing the Roadblock as Jon must watch. Margie & Luke decide who will do the Roadblock as Luke utters the title of the episode.
Oh c’mon, they would never make you cross-dress on The Amazing Race.
Right. Forgot about that.
– We see some of the gymnasts do their crazy s—.
I am the very model of a modern major general I’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral.
– KRIS: Backward ice cream scoop walk. Okay.
What? The backward ice cream scoop walk? Is she just coming up with a description for what she is seeing?
There it freakin’ is!
So four moves on balance beam. Two on Parallel Bars. And five on Floor Exercises.
– So Kris steps on there first. Jon watches.
There is something different about Jon. . .eh, forget it. The time behind him says that it is two o’ clock in the morning. These poor pre-teen girls are forced to do gymnastics at two o’ clock in the morning.
I have a feeling they are not being paid double over time for it.
But not That.
I have a feeling those hands would be a bit higher or a bit lower if Kris’ boyfriend was not around.
– Kris completes the rest of the task in two seconds. Not the most exciting of teams, according to production. They read their next clue. Heading to the city of Brasov in Transylvania. Once there make your way by taxi to Curtea Johannes Honterus-Hof and search for your next clue.
Does that really say “pardon me boy” at the start of the clue? I have never noticed that before. It has to be a direct reference to something in pop culture.
Sadly, I must admit that I have never seen the movie Young Frankenstein. Or read the book Frankenstein.
This blog was not meant to have two Gene Wilder in the same post. I am sure a Willy Wonka meme will be present down the road.
– Phil announces the clue for us.
– PHIL: Once there they must take a taxi to the Biserica Neagra, also known as the Black Church.
Wow. If this clue was in the state of Georgia, this would have a whole different connotation.
– Mel & Mike show up to the Roadblock. The hint is “Who can access their inner Nadia?”. By this point the Roadblock is obvious. Mike is doing the task.
– Margie is done and they read their clue. Off they go. Mike is done the parallel bars.
– Margie & Luke and Kris & Jon buy tickets for the next train. It is in four hours at six-thirty in the morning. Kris is worried about staying inside of the station. The only thing backing that up is a couple of homeless guys lying on a bench. I am not kidding. No vampires to be found.
– Mike is done the Roadblock.
MIKE: I want my freakin’ medal.
– The next five teams show up by taxi except for Tammy & Victor who were dropped off at the wrong stadium. They find themselves running through construction. Tammy wants to go back but Victor assumes they have to keep running. Eventually they are given instructions by locals as the other four teams show up before them.
– Kisha, Jodi, Mark, and Cara are doing the Roadblock. Cara is worried about the parallel bars because she has zero upper body strength.
– Victor laughs as he sees all of the other teams there. Tammy is doing the Roadblock.
– Kisha is finished the balance beam first. Jodi is finished next. Kisha bails aon the parallel bars. Cara is done the balance beam. Jodi is done the parallel bars. Kisha and Cara both bail again.
KISHA: I am going to stick to basketball.
– Tammy is too anxious thinking about last place as she fails repeatedly on the balance beam and does not focus on the task at hand.
Cara overdoes the grace pose to the point that she looks like a gymnast on the cross.
I am going to go ahead and say that I am a better gymnast than Cara. How that got approved is beyond me.
– Tammy is still on the balance beam. She is approved. Now she is on the parallel bars. Victor attempts coaching her but Tammy has zero concept of the directions. It is like someone is speaking Chinese to her or something.
– Tammy is now done the parallel bars. Kisha is also finished the floor exercises and is done the Roadblock.
– Tammy is on the Floor Exercises and prepares to do a cartwheel.
Or maybe she is trying to break dance.
She ends off with Brad & Victoria’ing the crowd.
– Victor says she has to kick her feet up a bit more. Tammy is approved until the final move. He tries to get her to roll on her head rather than tumble. Victor is convinced that she is not thinking because of how far behind they are.
How long does Victor project it will take until Tammy is done the Floor Exercises?
Time to sit down and relax on the Romanian gymnast’s version of a bed. Sleeping upright until your name is called to take your turn on the rings.
– We see a montage of the other four teams arriving at the train station. Tammy is done. Her and Victor enter the cab.
Judging by Tammy’s standards, her eyes are really wide right now. She is not happy with that statement. It is surprising because it is one of Victor’s usual backhanded remarks.
– Kisha & Jen show up to the train station and tell Margie about what happened to Tammy & Victor. Tammy & Victor’s conversation of “How Much More of a Douche Can Victor Be” continues.
VICTOR: You just need to relax and, you know, just think.
TAMMY: I don’t know. Let’s not talk about it.
Tammy visualizes unleashing her martial arts training on Victor.
– We need more of Tammy & Victor scenes, apparently. She hates that she feels like Victor is accommodating her and not respecting any ideas she may have.
Oh so sad.
– Upbeat music picks up as teams board the 630am train. All eight teams remaining in the race. It is pitch black. Jaime & Cara summarize the clue for us. We launch into a discussion of Luke’s deafness as they build their relationship with him. Jaime sometimes communicates with him by pen and paper. Luke appreciates them as a result.
– Sunrise. Teams are probably in Brasov so let’s get to it–
Oh. Forgot about them. The equalizer was only three or four hours long. Four hours does not translate to twelve, sadly.
– Victoria has an excited feeling because she knows all it takes is one team to be as screwed up as they are.
– The train arrives in Brasov. They all run for taxis. Tammy & Victor first, Kris & Jon second, and a bunch of other teams closely behind. The driver promises to take Kris & Jon through shortcuts. It proves to be true.
– Detour. Gypsy Moves or Vampire Remains.
The fastest moves of all gypsies.
– In Gypsy Moves, they make their way to a gypsy settlement where they must haul belongings onto a horse-drawn cart. Then they must navigate the family cart to the new encampment where they will unload the belongings to receive their next clue.
– In Vampire Remains, teams make their way to the woods and drag a coffin down through the woods and into a clearing. Then they will unlock and untangle a series of chains and open the coffin to reveal antique frames inside. Then, in the spirit of Vlad the Impaler, who inspired Bram Stoker’s Dracula.
No, Fred Fuchs did not inspire Dracula.
Teams will impale the frames on a stake until they find a flag inside one of the antique frames. They will exchange it for their next clue.
They even have fake blood at the end of each stake. How cute.
That is one scary lookin’ mansion in the background.
– GYPSY MOVES: MEL & MIKE; MARK & MICHAEL; KRIS & JON; KISHA & JEN
VAMPIRE REMAINS: TAMMY & VICTOR; JAIME & CARA; MARGIE & LUKE; CHRISTIE & JODI
– Oh. Brad & Victoria just arrived in Bucharest.
– Jaime tells the cab that she thinks he is lost. He pulls over to ask for directions on the road. She is frustrated.
– The four teams show up to the gypsy settlement. Mel & Mike realized they were dumb to pick the most physical option.
Although I think them going up and down a hill in the woods would not have been wise.
– Mel & Mike take a break from carrying the weight because of Mel.
MEL: I can’t hold this much longer.
Is it because of Mel’s weak arms or his bladder at old age? A mystery indeed.
– Jon meanwhile. . .
Jon is auditioning for the World’s Strongest Man competition.
– The locals have some fun in the background.
Gender roles are blurred here in this settlement as Tommy Chong dances with one of the Glamazons.
JAIME: What are you doing? What are you doing? Why are you driving on the sidewalk?
Heh. This is going to end well. Margie & Luke’s cab stops because they were following Jaime & Cara.
– I should note a band of violins and accordion is playing at the gypsy task. Kris & Jon start moving their cart but two objects fell out. Mel & Mike start taking off too but stuff falls out of their carriage too.
The accordion guy wins by a mile. Huge moustache, witch hat, he is playing one-handed, and is touching the heaviest person that has appeared on TAR since Marshall & Lance.
– Kisha & Jen show up to the gypsy task and begin to load up objects.
– One faithful day in 2009 in the depths of Transylvania,, two Asians, a wannabe Hollywood casting director, and a woman who never utters a word, all enter the scariest place of all. Yellow-red-yellow, what could it mean?
TAMMY: The markers are usually red and yellow arrows.
VICTOR: I cannot believe it is straight uphill.
This means something. . .right?
– Christie & Jodi ran to the right well away from Tammy & Victor. What do they find?
Red and yellow arrows just as Tammy described. Jodi wonders aloud where Tammy & Victor are. They find more arrows that lead to the coffin.
– Tammy & Victor reach the top of the hill.
TAMMY: This is not right. Where are the coffins? Those are not our markers.
VICTOR: You don’t know that yet.
Yeah. You don’t know if this is the middle of nowhere. I feel bad for the camera operator who has to run uphill with them.
– Back to the gypsy task as Mark & Michael show up.
I hope that catches on in America some day.
– Jaime is ready to snap as the driver yells out for directions at a local on the street. It is clear they do not speak the language. Jaime is furious and does not understand how that can happen.
She really does not know Romania and other eastern and central European countries, eh?
– Kris & Jon begin unloading the equipment. Two of Mel & Mike’s objects fell.
– Tammy states she does not see anyone. Victor still believes it is right and refuses to go back down.
– Jaime & Cara and Margie & Luke show up to the Vampire Remains. They spread out to look for an arrow. Luke is the first to find it.
– Tammy & Victor keep running up as Victor sees another “marker” on a tree.
– Kris & Jon have their clue upon completing the Detour. They must make their way to Vila Panoramic–a mountain cottage.
Mark & Michael must fantasize about jumping out of the top window.
– The locals celebrate with them as Jon runs off to find his fanny pack. Mel & Mike finish the task right after them.
– Luke nearly bails on the hill as Margie drags the coffin alone. They meet back up to carry it to the field. Jaime & Cara and Christie & Jodi continue dragging down the coffin. Some keys may not fit the locks. It is like a Survivor challenge. Or in Christie’s words. . .
. . .How?
– Tammy keeps telling Victor that is not the right way. He has longer breaks between answers.
VICTOR: Well. . .we are definitely not going back down.
His d—-bag nature is slowly backfiring, folks.
– Meanwhile let’s watch more irrelevant clips of Brad & Victoria who are eight hours behind:
– Brad & Victoria are the only ones who laugh at the “pardon me boy” part of the clue. That’s what happens when they are the only ones on the race over the age of thirty.
– Jon runs into the starting point to look for his fanny pack. Him and Kris cannot find it. Jon thinks somebody may have stolen it. Mel & Mike already have their stuff and enter a cab right away.
– Kris advises Jon not to freak out as they keep looking and asking others where it could be.
I really hope TAR 13 did not air yet by the time they started filming. Otherwise Kris & Jon may have made a blunder that is twice as bad as Toni & Dallas’ mistake.
It is one thing to lose your passport on the race. It is another to misplace it just two months after you saw the incident play out on TV.
Where is my fanny pack?!
I thought I was your fanny pack.
– It is a circus as the accordion plays and Jon keeps looking.
He also forgot his V8.
– We go back to Vampire Ruins. Christie & Jodi and Margie & Luke start smashing them. It sounds like Margie is orgasming after a couple of smashes.
– Tammy & Victor are -still- lost in the woods. Victor just cannot give up his d-baggery.
VICTOR: I’m sorry I make you do something you think is wrong but I really think it’s right.
TAMMY: I know you do.
TAMMY: It’s just frustrating that–
VICTOR: I know.
She hasn’t even said anything yet! How do you know?
TAMMY: It’s just frustrating that we have to follow your gut and not mine. That’s frustrating.
VICTOR: . . .
– We go back to the Gypsy task as Jon keeps running to look for his fanny pack. He finds it on an empty cart. Back into the taxi they go.
– Mel & Mike should have no problem being first place, right?
Nobody loves running up a long steep hill than one who has an injured groin. As somebody who injured his groin in the sixth grade, I can tell you that nothing was better during those two weeks than walking uphill to get to a friend’s house.
– Editing makes it look like Kris & Jon’s sprinting will make them catch up easily. Who will emerge as the first place finisher?
And be the first to meet Romania’s pit stop greeter.
– Phil raises the left eyebrow and presents the news.
And that is the first pit stop death in TAR history.
– Phil tells them they will be going on a trip to Costa Rica. Mel is excited instantly because it is Mike’s favourite place.
You know it is a Hollywood small shot when they receive a 7-day free vacation to an exotic location only to say “yeah, been there, whatevs”.
– Phil says that Costa Rica has “beautiful white beaches” in an accent that makes it sound like him saying something other than beaches.
MEL: To say I am proud of Mike is the understatement of the century.
Which is ironically the overstatement of the century.
MEL: He is one of the very special people I have met in my life, and not just because he is my son but because he is special.
SECOND: KRIS & JON ^ 1 from last week
Reasonably stoked by their second place finish.
– Tammy & Victor are -still trekking through the woods. Tammy stops walking as Victor must turn to her from twenty feet away.
VICTOR: If we go all the way down, it is not like we saw something else. We have to complete what we started. The worst thing to do is–
For. Ev. Er.
That is because as they entered the city, the FBI informed Victor that taking Tammy all the way into the woods was G14 Classified.
“It is not like we saw something else because we started moving the second we saw a marking on a tree!”
Follow me down these creepy woods and everything will be alright,
If we keep walking
Dracula will tuck us in at night
And as you go to sleep
You will finally see
That ain’t no older brother
Quite like me
– Commercial break.
– We resume. Victor finds a marker. An arrow, yes?
TAMMY: I said they would not have arrows pointing in both directions!
VICTOR: We need to go up there.
Wow. Even with two perfectly healthy groins you would still have troubles with that hill.
And am I the only one who has zero recollection of Jesse Stone being played by Tom Selleck? Who the bleep is Jesse Stone? Thin Ice? Is Liz Kim in that film?
– Victor keeps begging until Tammy complies out of impatience.
– The shortest clip ever in TAR history is about to be seen.
Better hope that Tammy & Victor are wandering the woods for another four hours.
– Kisha & Jen are done the Gypsy Moves task and have their clue. They have their fanny packs.
– Jaime asks Margie if the keys will fit instantly. She answers no as she exposes the flag. Margie & Luke run off. Jaime & Cara make a real corny 1960s Woody’s Roundup style of reaction to seeing Margie & Luke run off without them.
– Mark & Michael are done the Gypsy Moves Detour option and have their clue too. We now check in on Tammy & Victor.
Where we watch Victor take a dump in the woods.
– Tammy stops and calmly tells Victor that this needs to stop.
VICTOR: You can help make the decisions.
lol no. That is not how things work with Victor.
TAMMY: I cannot make the decision now that we have walked the whole mountain.
TAMMY: I say let’s turn around.
VICTOR (crying): Okay. Let’s go back. I agree.
Even Lorena & Jason would have caught up by this point.
– Christie & Jodi finish the Detour in sixth. Jaime & Cara open their coffin seconds later. They find it early and are given their clue by. . .
I am waiting for him to slurp up unicorn blood.
THIRD: KISHA & JEN v 4 from last week
– The inspirational music suddenly kicks in for our next teams.
FOURTH: MARGIE & LUKE – same as last week
– Tammy & Victor slowly make their way down the hill. At the base Victor sees the arrow and his voice drops. They have to go back up a hill.
– Mark & Michael defeat Christie & Jodi in a foot race.
FIFTH: MARK & MICHAEL ^ 3 from last week
SIXTH: CHRISTIE & JODI ^ 3 from last week
– Victor goes into stupid mode as he bends over and drags the coffin alone as fast as he can downhill. Tammy tries to talk sense into him, but per usual, he does not care to listen to her.
VICTOR: I don’t care if I die.
TAMMY: Victor, please. Victor, please.
That is a bit extreme for a reality TV show.
– Tammy & Victor realize they forgot a key. It may have broken off.
– Back to Brad & Victoria sitting on a train.
Their hopes do not seem particularly high. Well, for the last twenty-five years, anyway.
SEVENTH: JAIME & CARA v down 1 from last week
– By the way they react it sounds like they were last.
– Tammy & Victor look through the grass and the hills searching for the key. Victor finds it and struts to the coffin. He opens the coffin with fury and smashes each one until he has the flag. They run across a bridge. . .and are magically at the mat.
EIGHTH: TAMMY & VICTOR v 7 from last week
PHIL: Tammy & Victor, I am sorry to tell you you are the second-to-last team to arrive.
TAMMY: The second to the last?
PHIL: You are still in the race.
TAMMY: Good job, Victor.
– We zoom in on Victor crying.
PHIL: . .Why are you upset, Victor?
Even Phil looks disinterested.
VICTOR: I am not upset, it’s just that I’m just glad that we’re done. We’re alive and that’s all that matters.
I am not upset, I am just crying on the mat and unhappy about how the day has gone.
VICTOR: In a stressful environment has made it very clear that the older brother-little sister dynamics do not work well on a race.
VICTOR: We really need to work on how we relate to each other.
How about how you two can relate to the audience? My word.
– Tammy learned that she needs to speak up a bit more and thinks he needs to hurt his feelings a little bit when she feels she is right.
Yeah. This went on for a good minute.
– Brad & Victoria are shown doing the Detour quickly. They have a giant gash all over their face that is unexplained.
How did we not get to see that footage?
Transylvania truly is a bad place to be at night. . .ah, Victoria! Look! Behind you in the shadows!
LAST AND ELIMINATED: BRAD & VICTORIA v 4 from last week
– They respect each other’s differences and will not change their views about each other’s lives. The end.
Oh god. No more episodes about Tammy & Victor. Just look at the confessionals. Margie & Luke were barely shown. But Tammy & Victor? They occupied -at least- fifteen minutes of the episode.
Next Time On TAR: In the icy cold of Siberia, teams’ walls come crumbling down. And Luke takes a ride of his life but hits a dead end.
RANK THE TEAMS:
Brad & Victoria
The sequel to Fran & Barry, but with improvised vision.
They did quite well by finishing in the middle of the pack both rounds. However, come round three and they made a mistake that far too many racers make:
Intentionally getting yourself on an earlier flight alone but the arrival time is in the middle of the night when you are bound to run into an equalizer.
Even if the 730pm flight panned out for Brad & Victoria, they would have been on the exact same 630am train as the other eight teams. What else should they expect at two o’ clock in the morning?
This is famously known as the error that Uchenna & Joyce made in All Stars where they ended up about twelve hours behind.
The episode was equally boring as the Uchenna & Joyce boot thanks to Brad & Victoria’s flight delay putting them on the mat roughly eight to twelve hours later. I wish we would know how their face was cut up. Did they both face plant on a twig?
Brad’s drug addiction is something we did not learn about until their final appearance. I am not sure why production did not want to incorporate it into his edit beyond the ten second mention, but I must admit that not bashing us over the head with that fact made Brad & Victoria much more ‘real’ than the other teams.
It is too bad that they were gone early because they are one of the 50+ year old couples that have a legitimate chance to win The Amazing Race. Those teams appear rarely on the race.
Steve & Linda
I wish I could have done more to make the comparisons of Steve to Goofy. Sadly there is only so much you can do in two rounds.
The lesson here is that Linda is terrible at racing. I think her only skill was spotting the yellow sign. Otherwise she qualifies for the short list as one of the weakest racers in TAR history.
I should note that Steve & Linda DO NOT have an abusive relationship. The screen caps and the yelling and the crying just make it appear that way.
I found them to be more ‘real’ and entertaining than Preston & Jennifer. Other than that they had zero business being on a show as competitive as TAR. It is a miracle that they even made it to round two overall.
Preston & Jennifer
Before I re-watched this season I remember them for nothing except the piggyback ride in the final seconds of the episode.
In fact, their inability to piggyback on the pack is what did them in. They couldn’t even find the first train station and were saved by the 745am departure time.
Preston & Jennifer may be one of the worst 20-something mactor couples in terms of being able to perform well at TAR.
a) They couldn’t find a train station that everyone else found.
b) They must have sucked at driving to end up on the last flight
c) They screwed up a physical challenge such as transporting cheese.
d) They were at the pit stop location before Christie & Jodi, but ran into the wrong direction.
e) A piggyback ride was believed to be necessary in the first round’s final seconds.
There really is nothing this team could do well and definitely deserve finishing in dead last for TAR 14.
Production really wanted to have their next Nathan & Jennifer judging by a couple of their ridiculous arguments, but it is tough to have another Nathan & Jennifer when you cast a team who struggles with every dimension to the race.
RANK THE LEGS:
1) Los Alamitos, California -> Stechelberg, Switzerland
I give kudos to production for allowing their thrill-seeking task to be out of the way early. Doing the second highest bungee jump in the world is certainly no small feat. Believe it or not this was the second bungee jump they have done in Switzerland.
This really needed to be a longer premiere. It truly is a shame that we could not see the first scramble to the airport nor seeing teams interact with each other before the lying and deceiving would begin. Seeing teams have fun before flying to the first route marker is one of my favourite parts to each season.
There was no Detour because production wanted teams to carry cheese down a steep hill instead. Production knew they had struck gold because this had one of the most screen cap intensive scenes in the history of my blog. There is something about people falling on their butt, scooting on their butt, and rogue wheels of cheese crashing through Swiss houses that led to lots of laughter.
Overall, this was a very solid leg, and will probably be my favourite by TAR 14 standards.
2) Salzburg, Austria -> Bran, Romania
Gymnastics. Loading up a gypsy cart. Minimal equalizers. A quote from Young Frankenstein. Running aimlessly through the woods. A new country. Scrambling for the best flights.
These are all makings of a great round of TAR. In fact I would have ranked this as the best round of the season by far because this is the only new country of the season and the tasks were great.
But then it had to be ruined by showing Tammy & Victor for the majority of the episode! Just look at the confessional counts of the episode. For once Margie & Luke were pushed to the side in favour of Tammy & Victor of all people. We saw a minimum of a five minute breakdown of each of their tasks.
Production is trying way too hard to make us like Tammy & Victor. It is not like they were hidden in the first two episodes either. Why keep showing us a team that mildly annoys us and has a personality that is impossible for the viewers to identify with as they watch?
To make things worse, the only team other than Brad & Victoria to be shown was. . .virtually no one. We had the first Jaime blow-up, a bit of Kris & Jon because of their blunder, and Mel & Mike’s victory.
But other than that it is impossible to think of a single thing that the other teams did. It was entirely from the perspective of Brad & Victoria and Tammy & Victor.
Ugh. They ruined the best round of the race by doing this. Now it is an episode that many TAR viewers have forgotten because Tammy & Victor are people you try your absolute best to forget!
3) Stechelberg, Switzerland -> Salzburg, Austria
The round was constructed with zero equalizers. I do not understand why we needed a two minute dedication to Margie & Luke at the start of the episode, but for some reason it was there.
The Roadblock was your usual paragliding task, but seeing it reduced to a one hour jog down the mountain made for some boring television to the point that production did not include any of it except for Linda’s wrong turn on TV.
We saw the growing gap between Kisha & Jen. Seeing Jen’s increasing levels of frustration with Kisha’s older siblingitis was fun to watch.
Watching Mel narrate ten minutes of the episode was annoying because you knew that he is only narrating due to the minor celebrity status of himself and Mike. The part where Mike tries to scale the gate was definitely worthy of being on TV as Phil looks on trying not to laugh.
Pie throwing acting as a needle in the haystack task was boring. The Segway obstacle course was overly linear and straightforward to the point that barely any of the footage made it on TV.
Seeing the woodcutters was neat. The pit stop location was gorgeous.
Mark & Michael being idiots by not asking for a cell phone inside the cab was amusing.
Then watching Steve & Linda’s interactions for the whole round was definitely the meat and potatoes of the episode. Linda’s performance in these two rounds qualifies her as one of the worst racers in terms of ability to appear in the show’s history. Wonderful people, but Steve & Linda were not built for TAR.
The only person with worse abilities than Linda are the abilities of the casting director for TAR 18.
The trend of seasons that visit Europe are weak overall does not slow down thanks to the kajillionth trip to Germany and Austria.
P.S. When this episode aired on TV I was quite sleepy. Rewatching it today and that has not changed.
P.P.S. What was up with the one minute dedication to Margie & Luke between the ‘Previously On’ and Intro segments? Ridiculous.
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A
— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Preston & Jennifer 11.0
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0
11th Ari & Staella 11.0
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0
11th John & Scott 11.0
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0
10th A Black Family 10.0
— F +–
10th Steve & Linda 9.5
10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????)
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.)
10th Kate & Pat 9.0
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
9th Marianna & Julia 8.33
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8 – Yielded
8th Marisa & Brooke 7.75 – Sucked.
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Aiello Family 7.0
8th Tom & Terry 7.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
9th Brad & Victoria 6.6666666666 – Fran & Barry 2.0
9th Rogers Family 6.5
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25
7th Aja & Cabbie 6.2
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF
10th Ernie & Jeena 6.0
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
7th Dave & Lori 5.83
5th Kami & Karli 5.8
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
7th Shana & Jennifer 5.8 Used U-Turn
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
6th Gaghan Family 5.5
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
8th Sahil & Prashant 5.4 FF
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33
7th Gus & Hera 5.29
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
8th Lorena & Jason 5.25 U-Turned
3rd Andrew & Dan 5.18
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
6th Kelly & Christy 5.14
7th Ray & Deana – 5.0 FF
7th Melody & Sharon 5.0
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
9th Mark & Bill 5.0 – Wah.
5th Fran & Barry 4.89
6th Howard & Sahran 4.88
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85 – Yielded
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
7th Teri & Ian All Stars 4.83
7th Schroeder Family 4.75
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71 – Used Yield
6th Brian & Greg 4.71
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF and Used Yield and Yielded
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
5th Uchenna & Joyce All Stars 4.33 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23
3rd Nicolas & Donald 4.18 FF and U-Turned
4th Linda & Karen 4.17
3rd Charla & Mirna All Stars 4.15
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF and Used Yield
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11
5th Andy & Laura 4.00 – Yielded
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
1st Zabrina & Joe Jer 3.77
2nd Sandy & Francesca 3.77 – Used Yield
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
5th Kynt & Vyxsin 3.63 Used Yield
1st Eric & Danielle All Stars 3.62 – Yielded Twice
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56
4th Joseph & Monica 3.50 – Yielded
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46 – Used Yield and Yielded
2nd Ronald & Christina 3.45
4th Nathan & Jennifer 3.40 – Never finished in 1st
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
1st Chip & Kim 3.38 – Used Yield
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31
5th Terence & Sarah 3.25
1st TK & Rachel 3.18
4th Godlewski Family 3.18
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17 – Used Yield
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 3.17
3rd Weaver Family 3.15 – Yielded Twice
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF
4thToni & Dallas 3.10 Still in Russia
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00 – Yielded
6th Azaria & Hendekea 3.00
4th Hayden & Aaron 2.92
2nd Dustin & Kandice All Stars 2.92 – Used Yield
2nd Bransen Family 2.85
1st Linz Family 2.77 – Used Yield
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
–BEST OF THE BEST–
8th Rob & Amber All Stars 2.75 – Used Yield
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny All Stars 2.67 FF x2 and Used Yield
2nd Ken & Tina 2.64 FF
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF and Yielded
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF and Used Yield
1st Nick & Starr 2.45 FF
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF
Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)
11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF
18 legs Danielle 4.78
19 legs Teri & Ian 4.63 FF
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF
20 legs Charla & Mirna 4.00 None
21 legs Joe & Bill 3.71 FF
22 legs Uchenna & Joyce 3.64 FF x2
*31 legs Eric & Danielle 3.48 FF
23 legs Oswald & Danny 3.30 FF x3!
25 legs Dustin & Kandice 3.04 None
26 legs Eric 2.65 FF
17 legs Rob & Amber 2.41 None
* I determined Eric & Danielle’s average in this last section by adding up all of their individual points from TAR 9, then adding up their total points in All Stars and dividing it by 31.