Thinking about something. . .
Hey Anthony & Stephanie, Rupert wants to switch spots with you! You’re saved!
Welcome to the episode three ranking of the TAR 13 blog.
Previously on TAR: Anthony & Stephanie and nine other teams set out from Salvador, Brazil to the coastal city of Fortaleza. At the airport the alliance between siblings Nick & Starr and separated couple Ken & Tina frustrated Terence & Sarah.
Once in Fortaleza, comic book geeks Mark & Bill used their computer skills at the Detour to overtake the other teams. Only to be overtaken by Ken & Tina who arrived at the pit stop first while Anthony & Stephanie came in last.
Nine teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?
– Intro time. I miss Anthony & Stephanie already. Heh. Team Superbad. Mark & Bill pose with poker chips but yet are branded as comic book geeks. I guess they don’t give Jean-Robert vibes.
– Phil introduces us to Fortaleza. After going twenty episodes without pit stop rest time being shown, we are suddenly privy to scenes from it in back-to-back episodes.
Look at that dinner hall. We’re all eating. We’re all having a good time. Note that Ken & Tina are first to sit down.
I heard they are first to sit down because Tina convinced the hotel to exchange their previous table for a bigger table.
PHIL: And while the leg had ended, the competition was just heating up.
Angry McAngerson and Blandy McBlanderson are not happy.
CHRISTY: During the pit stop I was drying my sports bra.
I’m wet already. Keep going.
CHRISTY: And mysteriously enough it had hurled itself off the ledge. And Starr was in the hallway. I said ‘Starr, did you push my sports bra off the ledge’?
STARR: And I was like ‘no, I did not push your sports bra out the window’.
Note how she said ‘window’. She said nothing about a ledge.
First of all I didn’t push your bra off the ledge, and second of all I’m not even attracted to you!
I am one hundred and fifty to two hundred percent happy with the sports bra that I have!
Your version of what happened is very different from what I remembered.
CHRISTY: And I said ‘I don’t believe you for a second’.
STARR: How does that get us ahead in anything?
Nick has the guiltiest look on his face. I wouldn’t be surprised if he did it of his own amusement.
CHRISTY: If she wants to play dirty, she’s gonna get something out of it.
Frowny McFrownerson prepares to take Starr’s lunch money first thing in the morning.
– We now go live to Starr James for her thoughts on what happened.
I wouldn’t throw Christy’s sports bra out the window. C’mon I got a little more sense than that. Yeah, I remember throwing Christy’s sports bra out the window.
F— your bra, b—-! F— your bra! Buy another bra you divorced mothaf—a!
– Ken & Tina, who were the first to arrive at 1251pm. . .
I shall sell my hat on eBay that the episode has aired on American television. Those reality TV fans will waste money on anything.
. . .will depart at 1251am. They read they must fly 1, 200 miles to La Paz, Bolivia. It is also 12, 000 feet above sea level.
PHIL: At 12, 000 feet, the city could leave teams breathless. Literally.
Finally a time where ‘literally’ is used correctly.
– Once in La Paz, teams must take a taxi to the statue of Simon Bolivar in time for the morning newspaper. They will read the newspaper until they find their next clue hidden amongst the ads.
We go eleven seasons without a newspaper task. Why in the world do we have a newspaper task back-to-back seasons? Do Bolivia and India happen to have the two biggest newspaper readerships?
And why must teams hang onto their hat?
Him and his friends would have a tough time in a hat task.
– Tina yells at Ken for not running in a direction to hide from other teams.
Yeah. Hide from the fact that they are heading to the airport. . .just like all other teams.
– Tina admits they are having communication problems and know how to push each other’s buttons.
Tina’s buttons aren’t the only ones that Ken has pushed as of late.
– You know what? We are three episodes into this season, and despite Ken & Tina being huge characters thus far, we have heard barely any references to Ken’s career in the NFL. Nor has Ken ever bothered to make a NFL analogy. So far you just think of them as a separated couple.
In fact, an angle is being worked that we haven’t really seen. The sleazy side of professional sports for married couples–husband is gone for months at a time and is amongst a group of guys who can have whatever they want when they want. Sadly that comes at the expense of some marriages.
Just thank goodness we’re not stuck with endless football analogies. Ken & Tina’s relationship is so much more complex than that. Unlike other TAR couples in the past.
We completed the task! TOUCHDOWN!!!
Being on this race together is like being married to professional NFL athletes.
– Mark & Bill depart at 1252am. Mark says they just need to stay the course, and take the extra couple seconds to analyze each decision.
Go to a hat shop? Just what we need! Although Mark’s hat is a limited edition Indiana Jones collectible.
If Mark has my hat, does he also have. . .my whip?
– 113am. Terence & Sarah open the clue. If anyone knows what Sarah is saying at the pit start, please comment on this blog ASAP. After ten minutes I have given up to understand what she said.
I think it’s something along the lines of OHMYGODWEREGOINGTOBOLIVIA!
Even Nate Diaz is easier to understand than Sarah at the moment.
– Sarah realizes everybody is out for themselves which contradicts what she said earlier about Ken & Tina and Nick & Starr. She thinks it is not a popularity competition. Good thing because I think virtually the whole cast would only be able to beat the Big Brother 15 cast in terms of popularity at this point.
– Aja & Cabbie begin in fourth at 114am. Long distance. Long distance.
AJA: This race just affirms how much I love and care about him.
**FIVE YEARS LATER**
Awe. Too bad.
– Toni & Dallas. 115am. Dallas says this race is all about getting to know somebody else on a different level.
Nothing helps improve the relationship with your mother and getting to know her in a different light like competitive reality TV.
– The first three teams show up to the airport.
– 117am. Nick & Starr. Starr says you have to be careful how you play with other teams because otherwise you’ll put a target on your back.
Kelly & Christy and Terence & Sarah agree by round three.
– Only one minute behind Nick & Starr is Kelly & Christy.
And they’re gonna beat Starr down!
I’m not a sports bra pusher. I’m a landscaper and ear cleaner.
– CHRISTY: Kelly and I have a method of comic relief. We don’t get annoyed with each other. We get annoyed with other people then we laugh about it to each other.
I must have missed the part where comic relief comes into play. I think laughing at other people’s misfortunes and joking about it falls under. . .oh what’s the word. . .bullying?
By the way, can you imagine Kelly & Christy doing a stand-up act? It would probably just be jokes about how awful in bed their ex-husbands were.
You know who Kelly & Christy could compete with in a stand-up act?
Kelly & Christy are funnier than me? C’mon bro!
– Dandrew commence at 122am in eighth. Andrew admits him and Dan aren’t the most athletic people although he thinks he is in decent shape and looks sexy.
Well, sexiness is confused with exaggeration more than enough in American society.
– Marisa & Brooke start last in the same minute. Brooke says they start in last place because they come in last place on the leg.
MARISA: I think Brooke and I are underestimated.
That’s impossible. You start each round in dead last. The only way you’re not the most underestimated team in the whole season is if. . .wait, it’s impossible because you’re always last. Everyone is estimating you correctly.
And all of the candy in the world won’t change my opinion.
The remaining teams show up to the airport. We see everybody on one of two planes. No word who is on which plane. We assume it doesn’t matter because we saw zero airport battles.
It appears Tina failed to book a bigger plane given that the nine teams are divided between two flights.
La Paz, Bolivia–Home of the Paramount logo. So cinematic.
– Typical South America soundtrack plays. Flight lands in the middle of the night. Nick talks about the elevation and having a tough time breathing.
BILL: Breathe deeply. Not quickly. We’re not in the best of shape. It’s now all about endurance at altitude. We’re not sure how it’s gonna work out.
Hey, you guys have endurance!
Who had a 24 hour Dungeons and Dragons Marathon on the second floor of an apartment building? Mark & Bill!
Who played through the entire Rock Band playlist including a passing grade on Green Grass Running Water? Mark & Bill!
Who watched all six Star Wars movies in a single sitting? Mark & Bill!
Now THAT is endurance.
– Mark & Bill and Nick & Starr slowly take a taxi. We assume they are on the first flight.
BILL: We’re pretty much certain it will be an overnight stay.
Thank god! I mean, thank god that a team is ready to accept that an equalizer is on the horizon. Do you know how tiring and repetitive it is when a team shows up to a route marker in the middle of the night and whine about it being an equalizer? After 87 rounds of that incident on TAR, it’s refreshing for a team to say “oh yeah, we know it’s not going to matter”.
No b—-ing about losing your lead or throwing a temporary temper tantrum. They know how production works.
– Starr is excited to blankets next to the statue. A fine place to sleep before reading the morning paper.
A top hat, a sari, earrings, a bath robe, and a frayed dress? That may be one of the most random items of clothing to combine to be an outfit. Bolivia is intriguing already.
NICK: It’s a campout!
BILL: Oh yeah.
STARR: It’s a campout!
The Sprangler family loves campouts, evidently.
– The other teams join them. It appears to be cold because everyone is wearing heavy jackets. Marisa & Brooke confirm the coldness but like sleeping to Simon Bolivar.
They know he’s dead, right? Who knew the whole ‘I conquered the Spanish Empire and gained independence for South America’ bit would attract southern belles from the Carolinas about three hundred years later.
– Morning in La Paz. Bolivia looks cool.
Just like with any Latin and South American country visited on TAR, shoe shining is always a staple.
Kelly putting on some makeup to bring out her smile when she is happy for one second one month from now.
Dallas shaving the skin off his lip as Cabbie turns into The Blank from Dick Tracy.
Natalie White doing her morning makeup.
– Nick decides to approach Kelly & Christy.
NICK: I want to open a discourse. I felt a cold shoulder. Not like rude or anything.
Starr stays out of it as she innocently puts on her makeup.
NICK: It’s not fun to hate each other.
Frowny McFrownerson daydreams as Nick continues to talk.
CHRISTY: It’s not for no reason because I think she pushed my sports bra over the ledge. That’s kind of a big deal.
Frowny McFrownerson continues to remain silent as Christy and Nick converse.
– Nick respects their beliefs regardless if he disagrees. Kelly finally chimes in.
KELLY: We don’t care if nobody likes us, really.
– What we just witnessed is the reason why teams are always sequestered from each other at the pit stop through to the present day. Something tells me the wind or a bad angle whisked a sports bra off the ledge, but the controversy thanks to the allegation alone was more than enough for production, sadly.
– We head to lighter news. Sarah is allowed to talk to somebody and has found her saviour–Anna Maria.
You muh gurl.
She has the hippest fashion sense in all of Bolivia.
– Nick & Starr have gathered locals of their own to help them.
– The newspapers are dropped. It’s mayhem. They spread out on the streets. The teams read the sports while Dallas searches the ads.
– Dan and his glasses find the clue first. They must head by taxi to Narvaez Hat Shop and buy a traditional Cholita Hat at the Plaza Murillo.
NOTE: Words with two ‘L’s are pronounced with a ‘Y’ in Espanol. The only foreign language I took in high school was French, but somehow I know this fact about Espanol. Oh, and the whole ‘R’ as ‘H’s in Portuguese thanks to watching Mixed Martial Arts.
– Tina instructs Ken to not read out loud. She is second to find it. Her and Ken call out to Nick & Starr to follow them. Toni & Dallas have it next. Then Mark & Bill and Terence & Sarah.
– Aja & Cabbie and Marisa & Brooke.
– Terence & Sarah and Mark & Bill work together. Anna Marie tells them that they can walk. Mark complains about the altitude. Thirteen thousand feet above sea level and you’re slightly unfit and overweight? Stop yo whinin’.
I should note everyone else is in a cab. Something tells me Anna Maria doesn’t understand the point of a race.
– Kelly & Christy have the clue. They catch a cab.
KELLY & CHRISTY: Please hold onto your hat.
They clearly want to make the clue clear to themselves.
– AJA & Cabbie are done in eighth. This means Marisa & Brooke find the clue in dead last yet again.
– Traffic is bad. Tina orders the cabbie to create bigger space on the road and pass through the traffic. Dandrew sees Terence & Sarah on the road. Evidently walking was faster due to traffic congestion.
– Dandrew and Terence & Sarah have the clue. It’s a Detour. Musical March or Bumpy Ride.
Nope. We’re not at THAT march yet.
– In Musical March, teams head to three plazas that are several blocks apart where they must collect musicians and form a band.
I choose Justin, JC, Joey, the guy who was supposed to be on TAR All Star, and that other guy. I think Eminem was going to beat him up.
Then they’ll make their way to Plaza Abaroa and deliver the musicians to the band leader in exchange for their next clue.
Gringos take our musicians, too? You have been formally charged with kidnapping! Unless you give me twenty-seven pesos.
– In Bumpy Ride, teams make their way to Mercado de las Brujas where they had to choose a pair of traditional wooden crafted bicycles, and using the provided map as reference, they will take a harrowing bone-rattling trip down the cobblestone streets to Plaza Abaroa where they will receive their next clue.
NOTE: I clearly remember Phil and Bertram both pimping the heck out of the Bumpy Ride task for a month before the season started airing on TV.
BERTRAM: This season has the wackiest tasks ever. We go to Bolivia where teams ride these wooden bicycles through cobblestone streets at thirty miles per hour. Craziest thing we’ve ever seen.
– There is another piece of news in the clue that scares the teams.
It’s bolded. There’s three exclamation points. S— just got real.
By the way, did anyone notice in the additional info that says “The twenty foot rule applies between you and your band members”.
What in the world is the twenty foot rule?
– Phil explains the U-Turn. If you’re reading this blog, you must know what a U-Turn is. If you don’t, you either have the worst memory ever or didn’t intend to click on this blog.
– Dan chooses Musical March because he is not a strong bike rider. And we all know how good of a marcher Dan is.
TERENCE: Babe, I swear I’m reading the clue.
SARAH: So am I, babe. Definitely focused.
– Mark & Bill are third to the clue. They choose Bumpy Ride. But how to get there?
I do appreciate the yellow and white mustache on Mark’s face.
– Marisa & Brooke are fourth somehow. Tina wants to ride bikes. So do Frownies and Aja & Cabbie. They were about to take a cab but both teams recall to be on foot at one second.
– Terence points out their error while inside the cab. Sarah freaks out and instructs the driver to go back then walk on foot.
– Terence, per usual, has a brilliant idea after Sarah wants to correct their error.
A license plate that isn’t blurred? That’s rare.
I think openly disobeying a clue always works out well.
– Mark has one of the best confessionals in TAR history.
MARK: I don’t want to curse myself and say we are in first, but we are doing well.
Dramatic irony evokes the greatest of smiles.
– Nick & Starr are eighth. Choose to do the bikes. Toni & Dalls follow suit. They all walk.
– Mark & Bill see the wooden bikes. Needless to say Mark sounds terrified. Nick & Starr hope another team uses the U-Turn.
– Toni is out of breath. She regrets not making the band. Dallas is annoyed because of the negativity and orders her to think positively.
So much for the mother being the optimist in a mother-son TAR relationship. For some reason a pessimistic mother is far less annoying than a pessimistic son.
– Terence & Sarah back to where they started. It appears they are recovering and erasing the potential penalty.
– Mark fails to brake and would have ran into the car if the car hadn’t driven fast through the streets.
– It’s time to make a band.
Diddy is flying to La Paz so he can shut down the studio.
– Andrew & Dan show up to the Plaza and gather up the band. Dan complains how slow the band is moving as Andrew dances.
They probably want to distance themselves from the ridiculous hat that Dan was provided.
– Marisa thinks she will be good at the Musical March task because her and Brooke are friendly girls.
Uh. . .I. . .I don’t follow that logic.
– Ken & Tina pass Terence & Sarah on the road. Christy declares that Nick & Starr are her arch rivals. The teams try to talk to each other but their voices vibrate in the process as if they are beating their own chest while talking.
TERENCE: There’s no cushion.
SARAH: I know, babe.
TERENCE: Hopefully it’s all downhill.
SARAH: I know, babe.
I have cracked the code!
I know, babe = Acknowledging what you say so you don’t freak out.
– Ken & Tina pass Terence & Sarah downhill. Ken refers to Tina as ‘T’. Wow. Real original.
Tina managed to convince the people at the plaza to have a bigger headdress.
TERENCE: Tina beat you!
SARAH: I know, babe.
Love the encouragement, Terence!
Er, the gloves are on. But the headdress is off! That means something, right?
– Aja & Cabbie and Kelly & Christy begin simultaneously. We see Nick & Starr walking in dramatic fashion. Nick & Starr start behind them.
– Kelly & Christy are handling the task quite well.
One is going in a diagonal line while the other is heading straight. It’s going quite well.
I LOVE the old man on the sidelines who has stopped to see what will occur.
Who knew riding a wooden bike in the shape of a scooter for the first time could lead to a crash.
At least Teri wore a ton of padding when she would crash.
This is easily the worst crash I have seen.
– Dallas asks his mother to go sit down.
DALLAS: When I ask my mother to step it up she does.
Then why ask her to sit down?! That is the exact opposite of stepping up.
– Dallas doesn’t expect her to go all out all the time.
– Mark & Bill enter the tunnel. Mark cheers in the tone and saying ‘ayyayayayayayaya’ in the same tone of the first boss from Donkey Kong 64 when he gets shocked.
Yeah, another Donkey Kong reference. I know.
– Mark & Bill complete the task and see the U-Turn sign.
They put their thinking headdresses on and decide not to U-Turn.
It’s not even electronic yet.
We haven’t seen such a primitive U-Turn board since we visited Malawi!
– Mark & Bill choose not to U-Turn because of their “lead”. They read they must take a taxi to Los Titanes Del Ring. Mark says it in his best Spanish accent.
When they arrive they’ll find their next clue.
– Dandrew find the second plaza. The guys with horns are walking as fast as Gus.
– Terence & Sarah are BLASTING through the tunnel. Ken & Tina miraculously maintain a lead. I take back the guy from Super Hang On suffering from a huge crash.
– Marisa & Brooke thinks clapping and dancing helped the band members pick up their speed. Aja refuses to pass. She learns how competitive Cabbie is because he pushes himself and her to an extreme.
They are traveling about 39 miles per hour slower than Ken & Tina and Terence & Sarah. The task will take them hours at this rate.
AJA: He really pushes himself and pushes me.
How Aja views Cabbie if it were in a literal sense.
– Toni is walking her bike. Dallas whines to her that he doesn’t want to go home. Toni insists she doesn’t either, but judging by her exhaustion, she is probably thinking she asked for more than she bargained for.
– Dan keeps complaining about the speed. Marisa & Brooke catch up and pass Dandrew. I refuse to believe that Marisa & Brooke aren’t next to last. Dan yells at Andrew to walk faster.
– Tina’s voice vibrates. Terence & Sarah assume Ken & Tina will U-Turn them.
Even after a kiss.
– Terence screams at Sarah to park the bike faster. Terence & Sarah pass Ken & Tina during the parking of the bikes.
– Marisa & Brooke are second to the U-Turn mat. What the crap is going on here? They have moved up two spots by picking the Musical March/safer option. Jesus.
– None of these three teams use their U-Turn. Ken uses his whistle to call for a cab. They probably thought he was directing traffic. All three teams have a taxi.
– Dandrew are currently fifth and have the clue. They have a taxi.
– Kelly & Christy are walking their wooden bikes.
Even Gervase could pass Kelly & Christy at this rate.
– It appears the teams that are trailing are doing worse at the task than everyone else. Aja & Cabbie get back on and pass Kelly & Christy in the tunnel.
AJA (voice vibrating): I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.
The captain of your soul? What does that even mean?
– Nick & Starr walk a short distance before they mount their bikes. Nick warns Starr not to crash. No kidding.
That looks really scary. Something tells me that La Paz does not have official bike lanes inside the tunnel.
– Kelly & Christy and Nick & Starr panic about the U-Turn. Nick tells Starr to use the brakes as they speed past Kelly & Christy. Nick & Starr are tied with Aja & Cabbie at a red light. Nick’s bike slowly approached them at the light.
NICK (vibrating voice): You’re miiiine Aja & Caaaabie.
For some reason, trying to intimidate a team as your siblings slap you on the back isn’t making me shake in my boots.
– Ready for the funniest crash of the episode?
And I was like ‘oh, s—‘.
And this is why bikes aren’t on the sidewalk.
So that’s how you end up in a wheelchair!
– Aja & Cabbie are second to last. Nick & Starr plead with them to U-Turn Kelly & Christy as they ride in the distance.
Yeah, I’m sure that will work out well.
I think something more substantial than a sports bra will be pushed over a window ledge.
– Kelly & Christy sit on the ground as Christy notices cuts on her hands from the crash.
– Nick announces he will not U-Turn anyone. Starr interrupts him and proposes that they U-Turn Kelly & Christy. Of course it goes to commercial.
– Nick reminds Starr that they only have one the whole game. Starr announces they choose not to U-Turn.
– Aja & Cabbie show up seconds later. They choose not to U-Turn anyone either.
– It gets worse. Aja is inside the cab with Cabbie and annoyed that Nick & Starr didn’t U-Turn Kelly & Christy after begging them to get the blood on their hands. Uh, contradictory much?
– It gets even worse when we suffer through a recap of what was shown literally thirty seconds ago. Producers justify the use of a black and white highlight reel.
Remember what happened twenty seconds ago?
– Kelly & Christy show up to the U-Turn and decide not to U-Turn anyone. They are eighth and start crying. Seconds later Toni & Dallas show up. Kelly says they didn’t use the U-Turn because they assumed they were last.
– Starr was happy to pass Kelly & Christy. By contrast, Kelly is upset Nick & Star passed them. Get it? They are rivals?
– Mark & Bill’s cab pulls over to get gas. This lets several teams to pass them. Terence & Sarah’s cab has stopped to ask everybody he sees on the street for directions.
– Ken & Tina are first to a roadblock. In this task that person has to set aside all ????? and fight a girl.
What? Fight a woman?! In 2008?! This is crazy!
Fast forward to 2013.
They will hand the hat they bought earlier to one of the fighting cholitas. They will don one of the wrestling costumes. Then in one of two private rings outside of the arena, they will be trained by a cholita to coordinate a wrestling routine.
Every day standoff in Bolivia.
Who knew a place called Los Titanes would involve women.
Surprisingly it doesn’t refer to the six Implantos Titanes shown here.
– It is made up of six moves. Once ready they will enter the arena with their cholita and if the referee believes they successfully pulled off the routine, they will receive their next clue. If they miss they will have to go to the back of the line and fight again.
List of moves
4. Duck and flip
NOTE: I wrote a ten-page paper about professional wrestling in Latin America a few months ago. Good times.
– Ken is gonna do the roadblock. He thought it was going to be a boxing demonstration at first. Ken’s face drops when the record scratches and discovers the cholitas are women.
EDITOR’S NOTE: It isn’t the first time Ken has rolled around with a woman on the ground that isn’t Tina.
– Marisa & Brooke are second to the roadblock.
BROOKE: You’re the fighter.
– Marisa chooses her cholita. We see Ken begin to train.
– Mark & Bill show up. Mark is gonna do the roadblock. Ken thinks he is ready. The crowd cheers as the Krazy Kaped Ken emerges. Tina gets a kick from the outfit. He passes the task.
And the audience only has to watch the routine eight more times.
– Teams must now travel by taxi through the streets to Mirador El Monticulo. It overlooks the city. Yikes. High altitude.
– Ken & Tina enter a taxi. Terence & Sarah see a red and yellow flag at a stadium. They discover it is a bad coincidence.
Do you know how unbelievably hilarious it is that somebody along the race route just happens to be holding a red and yellow flag while refereeing a children’s soccer game?
Terence would be arrested if he fought one of the girls here.
– Aja & Cabbie’s cab is overheating. They wonder if they should find another taxi. Dandrew complains about traffic. Nick & Starr confirm the destination.
– Aja & Cabbie hire a new taxi. Terence & Sarah get out one block before the route marker because traffic is a disaster. For some reason they build up suspense for the final six teams that have yet to show up.
– Toni & Dallas are first from the six-pack. Dallas is doing the roadblock and thinks he needs to make up some time. Sarah is gonna do the roadblock followed by Nick.
Can you imagine how shaken Terence’s beliefs would be if he had to fight a woman? He’d go ballistic.
– Marisa keeps getting corrected by the referee. Mark thinks he is ready and performs the routine. He screws up the re-entry criteria. Back to training he goes.
A little tangled up.
All that was needed was a stool to pull a Million Dollar Baby.
– Back to training Mark goes. Aja & Cabbie and Dandrew show up. Cabbie and Dan both choose to do the roadblock.
– Marisa is next. She has completed three of six. She uses the wrong hand for the flip. Back to training she goes too.
– Kelly & Christy show up out of nowhere. They are with the seven other teams. I have a feeling the Detour didn’t do a good job of spreading teams out, and this roadblock doesn’t seem tough on paper.
– Aja walks over to Christy.
AJA: I’m gonna tell you something that’s probably gonna piss you off. Starr was tryin’ to get me and Cabbie to U-turn you guys.
Even in the subtitles they drop the ‘G’ from Aja’s speech. Is it wise to drop the ‘G’?
Eight racers a wrestlin.
Not even close, lady.
– Christy thanks Aja for the information.
– Dallas enters the ring. Toni is the cheerleader. She feels like it is living back home again. We see a random close-up and reaction of a specific audience member.
No idea who this guy is but I hope he ends up on TAR Latin America.
– Dallas finishes the task in 2nd place. Toni asks for a kiss in the cab.
That is how you do it!
– Sarah emerges for some woman-on-woman action. She screws up the second part of the routine and admits she entered with zero knowledge of the moves.
Detour: Crazy Hair or Crazy Eyes?
Peanut butter and gumballs, nice combo.
What’s awesome is that Sarah screwed up the taunting criteria of all things.
Sarah stands innocently with someone wearing a flame mask.
– Mark is running around the ring outside. He talks about the high altitude. I am sure it is nothing. We see the other fighters train then–
Luke, I am your father!
He needs an oxygen tank? I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
– Dan comes out more pumped than ever.
Not pumped like an oxygen tank.
Now I know what it feels like to be Denzel Washington in Flight.
– We pan between teams practicing and Mark playing fun with the Darth Vader Tank. Seriously, the sound of the tank sounds just like Darth Vader.
– Dan completes the task. He is third. Him and Andrew movin’ on up.
NICK: It’s gonna be a first for me fighting against a woman.
It’s also gonna be a first for him touching a woman.
– Cabbie enters the ring after Nick. Both succeed on their first attempt. The crowd is goin’ wild. Nick & Starr fourth. Aja & Cabbie fifth.
– Mark re-enters the ring after a hit of oxygen. As he enters his head feels heavy. The woman tells him to stand back but he fails to listen. The judge blows the whistle and screws up the duck and flip again. Both are disappointed.
– Ken & Tina slowly jog onto the mat together.
PHIL: Where the f— did you come from? This is what happens when we reach season thirteen. Is that palm trees connected to a wicker basket?
And what the f— are you wearing? The altitude must be driving me delusional.
1ST: KEN & TINA
They have won a seven night cruise to Mexico. He lists off a bunch of Spanish places.
– Ken says the relationship is much more positive and enjoyable. Tina nods. Quiet episode for them despite the victory.
– Marisa is ready. So is Mark. Marisa’s second attempt and Mark’s third.
BILL: C’mon Mark, you can do it!
A page from Billy Gaghan’s book.
– Marisa & Brooke and Mark & Bill succeed. Sixth and seventh respectively. Sarah finishes the task in eighth and Sarah brushes Christy’s shoulder in a consoling manner for .1 seconds. This leaves Kelly & Christy in last. Christy hopes someone’s taxi gets really lost. Kelly begins the routine.
– Dandrew complain about traffic. Aja asks for a route without traffic. So does Starr. Everybody is wearing the urine-coloured altitude sickness that we previously saw in the season premiere of TAR 7.
That better be the altitude sickness drink or I’d advise Starr against consuming that yellow substance.
– Frowny McFrownerson completes the roadblock in last place.
El Reina de la Perros has achieved the task.
And continues to frown and bite her Sonic & Knuckles.
– Kelly thinks they are going home. Christy snaps at her to be positive. Terence & Sarah’s cab passes Mark & Bill on the road.
2ND: TONI & DALLAS
– More taxi glances and passing cabs. Marisa & Brooke passes Nick & Starr and Dandrew. Nick & Starr break off from Dandrew. The taxi passings get confusing but it appears Terence & Sarah and Nick & Starr pass Dandrew. Dandrew is angry while Starr is stressed.
– We stop for a conversation. Christy tells Kelly about the conversation between herself and Aja regarding what Starr said.
Yeah. Sounds like the female gossip rings between my mother and her sisters.
KELLY: I’m gonna CONFRONT her!
Confront! Confront! That’s what my high school friends and I used to say. ‘Confront! Confront! Confront!’
– Christy says the only way to confront her is to avoid non-elimination.
BERTRAM: Change of plans! This is a post-determined leg!
– Terence & Sarah pass Marisa & Brooke’s cab. Wow. Their driver has passed five teams.
– Sarah communicates with her river in Spanish. The word for ‘park’ or ‘stop’ sounds like ‘batter batter batter’.
Hey batter batter batter swing!
3RD: TERENCE & SARAH (somehow)
SARAH: Shut up! Shut up!
One day Marisa & Brooke will be able to be surprised about their placement upon entering the mat instead of hearing it from forty feet behind another team. This is the third round in a row where their genuine reaction is highly compromised.
– Mark & Bill are bored in the taxi as they currently sit in eighth place. We all think they have survived. Mark & Bill decide to re-read the Detour clue out of boredom.
Eh. It’s just one word.
– Mark summarizes what happened. We get a SECOND black and white moment of the episode.
Detour: Kirk or Picard?
– Kelly nearly vomits in the cab. Christy wishes ill upon Nick & Starr.
– It’s a foot race between Aja & Cabbie and Nick & Starr. They enter a few seconds apart.
5TH: AJA & CABBIE
6TH: NICK & STARR
KELLY: I don’t wanna go home. I still wanna see the freakin’ world.
Who knows, Kelly. You may run into your future (ex)-husband along the way!
7TH: ANDREW & DAN
– Mark & Bill realized they should have U-Turned people. They hit the mat. Phil informs them they are eighth and nod as Phil relays the information regarding the penalty. It’s a thirty minute penalty.
KELLY: If we go home I am going to scream obscenities at Starr before I leave.
Mark thinks about shaving his goatee and instead growing a beard to look like Martin Van Buren.
In fact, Martin Van Fearin could be his wrestling name!
– Kelly & Christy complain some more. Bill says this could be heartbreaking. We cut back and forth between the two teams. Kelly & Christy emerge from the taxi. The camera tricks us into thinking Mark is getting up, but all he does is shift in his seat.
What a tease, editors. What a tease.
– Kelly & Christy run onto the mat. Phil breaks it to them they are last.
PHIL: However. . .
Mark & Bill’s time penalty puts them on top in eighth place. They simultaneously cry, celebrate, huff, and puff.
– Phil announces for Mark & Bill to step onto the mat.
8TH: KELLY & CHRISTY
LAST: MARK & BILL
MARK: I can’t believe we got last for misreading the clue.
Yeeeeeah. You misread a clue. You two should feel so stupid for getting yourselves eliminated for not reading a clue.
You can get eliminated for misreading a clue?!
Hey Mark. . .we just lost to Kelly & Christy at a game of reading comprehension.
Welcome to the club.
BILL: The Amazing Race is by far the hardest game I have ever played.
Bill Kahler’s toughest gaming experience that took place on March 22nd, 1993.
– Mark says that Bill is the most dependable guy he could have ran the race with, and both talk about being best friends.
First thing you do when you get home: Get improved prescriptions on your glasses.
Next Time on TAR:Long distance dating Aja & Cabbie get too close for comfort. And the winds blow over Starr.
Eh, slightly better preview than last week’s. “Ken impresses his wife after laying on top of a woman”. Geez.
P.S. After this round Mark & Bill went to Elimination Station. Yes, that online web series that started in TAR All Stars where the first half of the eliminated teams hang out together in a resort and go on wacky adventures. This is my favourite Wikipedia summary which supports my gut instinct regarding Anthony & Stephanie’s reasoning for going on the race.
Mark & Bill were the third team eliminated and sent to the villa. They were glad that the two teams there were shocked and saddened to hear that they were eliminated. As they retold their story on how they were eliminated, they found Mexican wrestling masks in their room in the villa. The 3 teams were later brought, at night, to a luchadore exhibition where Anthony & Stephanie had a lack of interest and left earlier to roam the streets instead.
Rank the Legs:
1) Salvador, Brazil -> Fortaleza, Brazil
Funniest round of TAR in a long time. Everyone delivered.
a) Tina’s sense of entitlement and telling everybody and their mother that they single-handedly increased the size of the plane even though it was really because Kevin Smith was on board
b) Terence being such a mixed bag of right and wrong and crybabyitis. This leg was all about Terence & Sarah from start to finish. He is simultaneously hated and loved by every team.
c) Kelly & Christy continue their quest of inspiring everyone on this season to make horribly dumb decisions. Oh, and did you know they are divorced?
d) Nick & Starr play such an antisocial game because Nick’s sphere of caring does not lie outside of Ken, Tina, and Starr. Also, forcing Starr to kiss seamen is downright amusing.
e) Anthomania. Anthony’s obsession with failed cars.
f) Marisa & Brooke pretty much acting like twelve year olds as they run through the race. I mean, handing out candy and squealing whenever they saw nudity on the beach.
g) The Detour was fairly creative. Even if one of the options was a mirror of a Detour from eight seasons earlier.
The only issue I had was the lacklustre roadblock. But seriously, the huge errors and personality quirks that the teams suffered from makes this an incredible episode from start to finish.
2) Los Angeles/Where else? -> Salvador, Brazil
The least memorable tasks in a premiere ever? I forgot about baristas, churches, military base, boats, and the descent.
Heck, the only memorable task before I watched this episode was Dandrew crawling up the steps, but that’s because Dandrew can make anything they do memorable. Even if they eat a bowl of Cheerios they would be more interesting than any other team doing anything except Anthony & Stephanie.
But seriously, Dandrew isn’t the only redeeming factor to balance out the uninspired and rehashed tasks this task. There was a lot of hilarious moments of foreshadowing and character interactions that are downright entertaining. In fact. that essentially takes over the episode.
Perhaps the reason why the competition aspect doesn’t engage us is because all eleven teams check in within a space of about eight minutes. It was far too chaotic for the viewer to follow. That’s what happens when the pit stop is barely a minute away from the end of the Detour. If I was an editor I’d have a tough time making it cohesive on screen.
Get used to appreciating the characters while they last. Anita & Arthur are a fitting first team to be eliminated and made enough of a contribution to the series.
Lastly, this episode receives a major positive boost because Anthony & Stephanie survived, and frankly back when this season originally aired in 2008, that is what we all only cared about.
3) Fortaleza, Brazil -> La Paz, Bolivia
(The round was too short. Seriously. We needed ten minutes spent on Sports Bra Gate. At the time it seemed relatively minor, but in the grand scheme of things we never knew it would forever change the series. After this season teams would no longer be able to mingle with each other at the pit stop.
It’s funny because Christy could have slammed a door too hard, or the wind could have picked up to blow away the sports bra. If Starr really did it, she should have her house egged for making pit stops seem extremely bland for these past five years and making teams estranged from one another.
Newspaper reading wasn’t original given that we saw it as a task just six episodes ago.
The Musical Marching seemed rather bland for a Detour option. I hated that the speed of the musicians was not a fixed speed and differed from crew to crew. They should have been forced to keep up with the speed of the teams.
I can see why Phil Keoghan and Bertram both hyped up the fast wooden bikes. That looked like by far one of the most dangerous tasks in TAR history. I was expecting a team to get med evac’d. Christy is very lucky to escape with a few scratches and bruises.
I am curious how much more exhausted Mark & Bill would have been if they stayed in the high altitude longer. Despite being given a drink to deal with the altitude, teams really had a tough time with being focused or handling the physical tasks.
The roadblock was neat. It is one of the few times where judging was objective. You either fit the criteria or you didn’t. The funny capes and costumes must have been a hoot to wear.
It is too bad that the round ended on a bummer of a note as Mark & Bill check in seventh but a time penalty allowed Fan Least Favourites Kelly & Christy to pass them.
Oh, and did we mention this is the round where Nick continues his quest to be the first edited sociopath in the history of TAR? Prepare to watch TAR’s equivalent to Lord Heidik continue to go through the race.
P.S. lol. Nobody used the U-Turn despite all of the hatred being present.)
Rank the Teams:
1) Anthony & Stephanie
So awesome. So incredible. So amazing. Anthony inspired all of Brazil to become car mechanics after the opening two rounds. Brazil celebrates Anthomania on an annual basis.
And Stephanie sure loves thinking about her s–ty apartment and finances. Also, she likes putting things in perspective.
2) Mark & Bill
You know how I said at the start of the season that the long-term cast has far less likeability than TAR 12’s high standard?
Well, Mark & Bill’s premature elimination is a big reason why. Just think of all the big stars so far after three episodes. Nick & Starr? Kelly & Christy? Ken & Tina? Terence & Sarah? NONE of them had any fans at the time.
The only other team shown as much as them after three rounds? Mark & Bill. I can tell you that Mark & Bill had ninety percent of the viewership while Nick & Starr picked up the remaining ten percent (primarily the youth flamboyant demographic at the time).
If there was a 39 Day Survivor Challenge for TAR and the category was ‘Most Disappointing Early Exit’, I can safely say that Mark & Bill would be in the top three vote getters. Bilal & Sa’eed and Lena & Kristy would round out a top three if I was evaluating upon the thirteen seasons we have re-watched thus far.
If Jodi Wincheski was on TAR 13 instead of 14, there is no doubt in my mind that she would have brought back Mark & Bill for Unfinished Business.
It’s a shame that Mark & Bill are in high altitude and screw up reading a clue in a round where the whole round played out within three hours of the newspapers being dropped next to Simon Bolivar.
If you can get your hands on their elimination episode, note Phil’s reaction when he eliminates them. It’s one of the few times where Phil adds in his rare ‘sorry to see you go’ on top of eliminating them. When Phil says that it is a good indication of his personal favourites as well as production discreetly liked.
Unfortunately a bad hour of gameplay can send your favourites to the rail.
Much like the elimination of the Gaghan Family in TAR 8, the season takes a sharp change in tone from this point forward. Because Mark & Bill’s “straight edge” attitude is taken away from the equation, it is now a battle of the goofy and incompetent teams against a group of bland sharp racers.
Recalling how bummed out my mother and sister were when Mark & Bill was eliminated is one of the few things I remember from TAR 13 that doesn’t involve marching. And if you were watching TAR 13 at the time, I can guarantee you were bummed out as myself and the other teams were.
It’s too bad Kelly & Christy chose to learn how to read that round.
3) Anita & Arthur
You know those friends you have who say they are hippies just because they go camping every once in a while and have picky tastes? Expose them to Anita & Arthur if you want to shut them up. Hippies in the truest sense. Their two jobs all occur outdoors in the wilderness. Self-reliant. Old school. Probably have run more than one grow-op in their day.
I must admit they look a lot like my uncle did for several decades. Facial hair and, well, regular hair is the best of anything I have seen in TAR, Survivor, and Big Brother.
Unfortunately they don’t have a personality that would captivate enough of the audience on TV. I remember watching a deleted clip online where they lost their clue for two minutes as they search between the seats and their fanny packs in the taxi. They did it in a calm manner, found the clue, kissed, and moved on.
That’s why it was a deleted clip.
Super nice people and big fans of TAR. I am happy that production cast them. It is probably one of the few non-mactor teams that will be most remembered for their looks.
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A
— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0
11th Ari & Staella 11.0
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0
11th John & Scott 11.0
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0
10th A Black Family 10.0
— F +–
10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????)
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.)
10th Kate & Pat 9.0
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
9th Marianna & Julia 8.33
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8 – Yielded
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Aiello Family 7.0
8th Tom & Terry 7.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
9th Rogers Family 6.5
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF
10th Ernie & Jeena 6.0
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
7th Dave & Lori 5.83
5th Kami & Karli 5.8
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
7th Shana & Jennifer 5.8 Used U-Turn
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
6th Gaghan Family 5.5
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
8th Sahil & Prashant 5.4 FF
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33
7th Gus & Hera 5.29
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
8th Lorena & Jason 5.25 U-Turned
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
7th Ray & Deana – 5.0 FF
7th Melody & Sharon 5.0
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
9th Mark & Bill 5.0 – Wah.
5th Fran & Barry 4.89
6th Howard & Sahran 4.88
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85 – Yielded
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
7th Teri & Ian All Stars 4.83
7th Schroeder Family 4.75
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71 – Used Yield
6th Brian & Greg 4.71
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF and Used Yield and Yielded
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
5th Uchenna & Joyce All Stars 4.33 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23
3rd Nicolas & Donald 4.18 FF and U-Turned
4th Linda & Karen 4.17
3rd Charla & Mirna All Stars 4.15
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF and Used Yield
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11
5th Andy & Laura 4.00 – Yielded
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
1st Zabrina & Joe Jer 3.77
2nd Sandy & Francesca 3.77 – Used Yield
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
5th Kynt & Vyxsin 3.63 Used Yield
1st Eric & Danielle All Stars 3.62 – Yielded Twice
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56
4th Joseph & Monica 3.50 – Yielded
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46 – Used Yield and Yielded
2nd Ronald & Christina 3.45
4th Nathan & Jennifer 3.40 – Never finished in 1st
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
1st Chip & Kim 3.38 – Used Yield
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31
1st TK & Rachel 3.18
4th Godlewski Family 3.18
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17 – Used Yield
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 3.17
3rd Weaver Family 3.15 – Yielded Twice
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00 – Yielded
6th Azaria & Hendekea 3.00
4th Hayden & Aaron 2.92
2nd Dustin & Kandice All Stars 2.92 – Used Yield
2nd Bransen Family 2.85
1st Linz Family 2.77 – Used Yield
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
–BEST OF THE BEST–
8th Rob & Amber All Stars 2.75 – Used Yield
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny All Stars 2.67 FF x2 and Used Yield
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF and Yielded
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF and Used Yield
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF
Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)
11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF
18 legs Danielle 4.78
19 legs Teri & Ian 4.63 FF
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF
20 legs Charla & Mirna 4.00 None
21 legs Joe & Bill 3.71 FF
22 legs Uchenna & Joyce 3.64 FF x2
*31 legs Eric & Danielle 3.48 FF
23 legs Oswald & Danny 3.30 FF x3!
25 legs Dustin & Kandice 3.04 None
26 legs Eric 2.65 FF
17 legs Rob & Amber 2.41 None
* I determined Eric & Danielle’s average in this last section by adding up all of their individual points from TAR 9, then adding up their total points in All Stars and dividing it by 31.