Anthony. Universally beloved. All-American. Heroic. Determined.
And welcome to the second episode ranking of TAR 13. I won’t lie to you and say that this episode doesn’t end on a tragic note. So let’s get this Shakespearan-like downfall, yes?
Previously on TAR: Anthony & Stephanie and ten other teams set out from Los Angeles, California on a race around the world for one million dollars. At the airport siblings Nick & Starr made an alliance.
In Salvador, Terence wanted Sarah just to focus on him rather than other teams. Ken made a commitment to his wife. Siblings Nick & Starr led the pack in a frightening descent to claim first place.
Team Superbad made a costly mistake but in the end it was beekeepers Anita & Arthur who found themselves in last.
Anthony & Stephanie and nine other teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?
– Intro time.
PHIL: It is known as the capital of Joy.
If you’re a single tourist from a first world country yes. If you’re a local, it’s probably the capital of Dealing With Those Entitled Gringos.
– Floating in the sea is a 17th century fortress. I can’t comprehend seeing one of those in Canucktown.
– Wow. We get an extraordinarily rare look at pit stop life. I think the last time they showed teams communicating during the rest period was when Rob & Ambuh were eliminated in TAR All Stars.
– It’s Terence & Sarah. Yep, Terence & Sarah are the first team shown during the rest period since Charla & Mirna. They are on the same levels of stardom, I am sure.
It looks like she is about to get strangled. Well, I am blogging this on Friday the 13th.
Why does the word ‘do’ need to be in there? Sounds like an awfully defensive word to me with unnecessary emphasis.
Translation: She just does not want to connect with Terence.
Is this about shoes, Sarah? Because I can get you those nice pair of shoes when we get home.
You want to talk to other racers, Sarah? Why not just ask for the moon and the stars while you’re at it!
– Phil recaps what we just saw and points out it is Terence & Sarah. In a field of ten teams they really need to point out who it is.
– Terence’s golden reaction to Sarah’s tear-inducing speech?
TERENCE (casually walks away): I have to go to the bathroom.
SARAH: Wait, we don’t have a resolution to this!
TERENCE: There is no resolution.
Ohhhhhh, so dramatic. “There is no resolution!” I was expecting him to punch Sarah in the face and threaten production with a gun at that point. Like. . .how there cannot be a resolution?
Here’s a craaaazy idea for a resolution. It’s thinking really far out of the box, but I propose this one:
“Yes Sarah, you may talk to other teams. However, do not reveal our strategies. I love you and everything about you, but please do not get too intimate with the other teams. By the way, all of the men fear that Dallas is gonna bone of the more attractive women in this cast. I know you find his body scrumptious, but I don’t feel comfortable if you’re hanging around Dallas when he is shirtless at night during an equalizer.
Thank you for understanding, baby. And I apologize for being a drama queen yesterday.”
Seriously. That’s all he has to say and -poof-, there’s our resolution.
None of those wrinkles were present before she started dating Terence.
– Sarah tells us that Terence feels betrayed every time she talks to another team.
– Now back to where things are sane, Nick & Starr who arrived first at 407pm, will depart first at 407am.
– Nick reads that teams must fly six hundred miles to Fortaleza, Brazil. The TAR 5 Argentina and TAR 3 Portugal music plays. Once in Fortaleza, they must travel by taxi to the tiny village of Cumbuco.
Look at that amazing aerial shot of Fortaleza.
Which is most well-known for giving birth to some of the greatest MMA fighters on the planet!
– Once in the village, they must find Praia do Cumbuco where they will find their next clue.
– Nick talks about how him and Starr are in a situation where there is a lot of stress. He must keep Starr calm because Starr freaks out when she cannot control everything.
– Ken & Tina depart second at 413am. Tina asks for a cell phone. Driver rejects the request and claims he does not have one. Tina tells Ken she refuses to give up.
Uh, why would the driver lie to you about not having a cell phone? I know cell phones are huge in Africa and Asia, but maybe it has yet to catch on in South America. Cell phones tend to be less popular in first world cities. Perhaps Salvador is too advanced for cell phones.
I should note that I even had a cell phone by summer of 2008. August 1, 2008 to be exact. I was seventeen years old. I was also the last person in my graduating class to receive a cell phone.
– Ken says that the relationship will be ‘yes’ or ‘no’ by the end of the race. No grey.
KEN: We don’t want a life sentence. We want life partners.
– Terence & Sarah are somehow all smiles. Of course the grogginess of being awake at 418am may have something to do with it.
– The cabbie opens up the trunk for Terence & Sarah. The trunk of the car hits Terence on the head on the way up.
TERENCE: Ow! Dammit.
SARAH/KIM FROM TAR 10: What happened, baby?
TERENCE: He just hit the thing on my head.
SARAH: On your head?
TERENCE: I mean do you not see me bleeding?
SARAH: I don’t see you bleeding.
TERENCE (angry and enters cab): Okay.
SARAH: If I didn’t see it, why are you mad at me? Babe, what do you want from me?
TERENCE (handling bag of ice): Find the spot and really stick this in there. I want my head clean please.
The same ‘wtf’ reaction after Sarah watched a Miley Cyrus appearance on the MTV music awards.
Even Tito Ortiz thinks Terence is a puss.
Terence feels relieved as Sarah soothes the invisible cut.
SARAH: There is a lot of sides to Terence. He is a ball of emotions.
I should note this is the first time that Terence has been described of possessing a ball in his body.
TERENCE: Now if you would be kind enough, blow it.
The idea of a blowjob in Terence & Sarah’s relationship.
– Sarah says she calms him down whenever he can. Terence admits it was his fault for receiving the imaginary cut.
For some reason, Sarah enjoyed herself.
– Mark & Bill depart fourth at 424am. Mark says he does not have to avoid not snapping at the other person because he doesn’t have to live with his partner after it is all over.
– Nick & Starr show up to the airport. Starr pronounces the name ‘Fortaleza’ as if it is two separate words. Tina freaks out when she discovers the first flight is not until 1130am. Starr calls over Kenny and Tina. I doubt many people refer to Ken as ‘Kenny’.
The last time we heard somebody being called ‘Kenny’ on the race.
– They check another airline.
– Christy hand models the clue before opening it at 444am.
Except she does it silently and without a smile. Kelly doesn’t even laugh.
Oswald made hand modeling the first clue ten times funnier than Christy. I swear Christy has zero comedic sense.
– The only thing we have heard Kelly & Christy speak about is how much they hate locals and how much they hate their ex-husbands. Guess what Christy talks about?
CHRISTY: Kelly and I have been in bad relationships that were rocky and weren’t right. And our husbands were smart enough to get out of them.
– Ken & Tina discover a 645am with only one seat. Nick is happy Terence & Sarah haven’t shown up.
– Terence & Sarah enter the airport. Terence wants to talk to somebody. Yep. Sarah cannot talk to others, but Terence assumes he can do so.
– Ken & Tina and Nick & Starr sign up for standby on the 645am flight. Terence & Sarah join them. Starr immediately walks away while fanning herself.
– Toni & Dallas begin at 457am. Toni thinks the previous leg went well. She does not feel better or worse than anyone else. Dallas enjoys racing with his mommy.
– Sarah turns to the camera to tell us about the 645am flight. Starr is magically back at the counter during Sarah’s confessional. And yes, she is indeed fanning herself again.
– The three teams wait to see if there will be seats. The agent says they have switched to a larger plane. Wow. Never heard of that in TAR before. All three teams are on the flight.
– Now here comes a quote that makes my sister roll her eyes to this day.
TINA: I think it was my persistence that encouraged them to switch to a larger plane.
Or maybe it’s because they already had over a dozen people on standby and realized a larger plane would be more suitable for the journey, and would save money.
Actually, I found out the real reason why they switched to a bigger plane:
He was boarding the flight.
KEN: Tina has the distinct ability to make people on the other side of the counter think they are working for her.
Now that I can believe.
– TERENCE: Ken & Tina and Nick & Starr are an alliance. They are not two teams, but rather one team.
SARAH: And they didn’t even say ‘hi’ to us!
Forget alliances. They wouldn’t even say ‘hi’!
Who knew Terence would be against alliances given that he refuses to let his girlfriend speak to other teams.
And hey, Nick & Starr said that Ken & Tina are their parents. Mom, dad, and two kids? Sounds like they are racing under the TAR 8: Family Edition rules!
TINA: I thought they were gonna have a leg up. They can thank us for that!
Oh. Now I remember this. Tina is far from over. She is certain her ability to annoy the agent is why they have a larger aircraft. In fact not only is she accepting responsibility for allowing her and her children to get on the flight, but also any other team who gets on board.
– Sarah informs Mark & Bill of the situation like a normal person.
– Dandrew begin at 503am. Aja & Cabbie start at 505am. Andrew gives a great speech that will lend itself to a month-long act of foreshadowing.
ANDREW: We have a small, small, small lead on the bottom pack. It’s a loser mentality to not get last. I want to change out of it and get first. Don’t get last. It’s kind of a minimalist attitude. Minimalists don’t get anywhere in life.
I wonder what Andrew thinks of Redemption Island.
– Aja recaps her long dating relationship with Cabbie. She finds this race has made their relationship more real. Cabbie is not upset that their cabbie is going through red lights.
-Terence & Sarah and Mark & Bill walk together. Ken & Tina exchange money right away because the agent says they are first to board the flight.
– Anthony & Stephanie commence at 511am. I love synonyms. Oh, and music starts playing when Anthony speaks.
– Anthony sees a cabbie pushing his car. Stephanie asks the driver if it works.
I am not Stalin according to those American Imbimbos!
Why must Stalin FABRICate who I am? I am FLOORED! C’mon you American Imbimbos, will you at least remember me?!
– Marisa & Brooke check out last at 513am.
BROOKE: Fly to Fortazalla.
Brooke failing the basic act of reading, ladies and gentlemen. She added three extra letters at the end of the word for no apparent reason.
– Anthony & Stephanie enter a cab known as a ‘beater’. Stephanie wants to move towards marriage. The only thing missing is financial stability.
ANTHONY: As a man I wanna be a good provider. Winning the race is definitely going to be a good solution to this.
Anthony’s solution to being a provider is to win a million dollars. He will never have to provide in marriage with that kind of money. Anthony is a genius.
But what happens to your shirt, bro? Did you get into a fight with a bunch of jiu jitsu experts in an alley and lived to tell the tale?
– Anthony gives mechanical recommendations to the driver.
ANTHONY: It smells like you’re burning a little exhaust. You may want to get that checked out.
Yep. Let’s pull over and do roadside maintenance while in the middle of a race. Wise decision, Anthony.
– Anthony giggles because he doesn’t think the driver speaks English.
– Marisa & Brooke have blank looks. They unenthusiastically say they want to improve upon tenth. Brooke admits the race is much harder than they thought it was gonna be. She wants to be more aggressive, sneakier, and work harder.
Two rounds and Marisa & Brooke’s enthusiasm matches Anthony & Stephanie. Oh, and they look like they’ve been beat up by a truck and/or Jonathan Baker after only two rounds into the game.
– Airport time. Tina gets into Kelly’s right ear and informs them she switched to a bigger plane, and thus everyone will be on the same flight.
Must. Let. Everyone. Know. How. Amazing. I. Am. Does. Not. Need. Sleep.
– Here are Tina’s exact words:
TINA: We got them to switch the plane to a bigger plane. So we will all be on the same flight.
– Kelly & Christy pull a classic case of extrapolating information to an extreme.
CHRISTY: They didn’t switch the plane for us. She’s so full of it.
KELLY: Thanks for touching me on the shoulder.
I don’t think Kelly’s shoulders are as big as Big Rhonda from That 70s Show. At no point do we see Tina touch anywhere near Kelly’s shoulders.
– But seriously, I hope it is 500am Stupidity that can be blamed for Christy’s assumption that Tina implied that she switched the plane specifically for her and Kelly.
Like seriously. Tina’s only message is “I made them switch to a bigger plane because -I- wanted to be on the flight, and all of you jerks get to benefit from it. You’re welcome.”
– In fact Tina solidifies her intent as her and Ken walk down the stairs.
TINA: Everyone should thank us for getting a bigger plane.
– The remaining teams show up to the airport. Tina informs Cabbie that him and Aja will be fine. Why? Because they switched to a bigger plane. Cabbie celebrates and doesn’t get Tina’s implied message at all.
– Tina begins to angle it because Cabbie does not understand subtlety.
TINA: So you owe me one. Remember that.
– Tina offers hand and Cabbie is smart enough to shake it. I think Cabbie forgets who Tina is after those ten seconds.
– The last two teams show up to the airport.
– Aja & Cabbie tell the camera about Tina’s “you owe me one” comment. Tina’s switch to make everyone owe her for her own selfish move is not received by virtually anyone.
CABBIE: I don’t her anything. Nothing at all.
– Cabbie turns to see who else but. . .
– Anthony hopes this is the start of a whole new race. Stephanie asks for the same tickets as everyone else. So do Marisa & Brooke. They succeed. Brooke decides to reward the ticketing agent.
Oh my werd, what is Natalie White’s sister doing on TAR 13?
Since when did Donny Osmond become a Brazilian airline ticketing agent?
Hey look, a TAR 4 winner!
– Brooke hopes handing out candy will help her in the end. Marisa says bribery never hurts. I think that’s a solid message.
– Ken & Tina are at the front of the gate. They ask the agent to be let onto the plane first. Why it matters I have no freakin’ clue. Ken claims it is because they arranged everything.
Do they have zero self-awareness? It’s like a classic scene from That 70s Show where Kelso buys Jackie a sweater. Throughout the conversation he announces how expensive the sweater was every few seconds to brag about how generous he is (in reality the sweater was stolen). The main goal is for Jackie to show him appreciation and to be Kelso’s girlfriend instead of Hyde.
In reality, the gift was motivated by theft and was not done in an act of generosity, but rather of selfishness.
I can’t think of a better analogy for what has transpired.
And for some reason, an episode of That 70s Show I have not seen since 2003 has entered my mind.
Hey, look who’s wearing a twenty-seven dollar sweater!
– Tina tells us that it is only fair that she and Ken get on the flight first. Other racers protest.
TINA: What’s fair is fair. We checked in first should go on first.
MARK: No way.
TINA: I’m not saying you owe me anything.
Aja & Cabbie remember it differently.
TINA: I’m not asking for any money. It’s not like you would have been on this flight if it weren’t for me.
TERENCE: You didn’t get them to change.
TINA: Yes, I did. It was me who–
TERENCE: You got an airline to change a plane? That’s amazing.
KEN: She did–
TINA: I did actually.
TERENCE: There’s no way that’s happening. I’m not believing either of you.
TERENCE: There’s no way you got an airline to change their plane because women aren’t allowed to talk to anybody besides their partner.
And to think we gave them the right to vote.
– Ken now steps in.
KEN: I don’t give a f— if you believe it or not.
– Starr informs everyone at the back of the line about the argument.
That is not quite how the viewers at home are interpreting this situation. I believe the number of Nick & Starr’s fans plummet after taking Tina’s side.
And who knew Terence would be the one to knock sense into Tina. It shows you how delusional Ken & Tina really are.
– Terence continues to pwn Ken.
Translation: No need for Ken to be a huge jerk.
All he has done is to make you guys realize that you are coming off as delusional to tens of millions of people at home.
– KEN (casually): If you get loud, I’ll get loud.
What???? Terence is talking in such a low tone that we needed subtitles. I love how Ken tells him this in a quiet voice too. I can’t imagine either of them in a shouting match.
You really wanna get loud, Kenny Boy?
YOU WANNA GET LOUD, KENNY? WELL I CAN GET LOUD, TOO. WHAT THE F—!
I bet that Ken won’t be in the Final Four. And I got a mill that he won’t be the Final One!
Okay, that quote doesn’t really translate too well.
– We hit commercial. It resumes. Tina refuses to fight over a one row advantage. It’s not worth it.
TINA: I just know when people check in first, they get on first, right?
Yes. And that is where Tina could have stopped before. But that big speech about how she made an airline switch planes and force everyone to owe her down the road? That’s the part that got people.
– Tina steps back.
TINA (touching TERENCE’s head softly): I am sorry you bumped your head.
Heh. Terence is a Mama’s Boy even when he didn’t ask for one. “I am sorry you bumped your head”. That’s great.
Tina does a back-handed apology before that and says he is crazy to his face because he bumped his head before mothering him. Terence turns around and apologizes to Ken for raising his voice to his wife instead of apologizing directly to Tina.
Then Ken does one of the most bizarre things in thirteen seasons of TAR.
KEN: No, I apologize honey.
Next we will see a JPEG of Obama kissing Ken. Then Ken kissing the Pope.
– So how does Terence react to the kiss?
Those veins are about to burst. Something tells me that he does not respond well to NFL players kissing him.
And Ken cheated on Tina again. Probably because Terence is more woman than Tina could ever hope to be.
TINA: That was sweet.
TERENCE: You made me blush, just so you know.
KEN: Well I got you to smile. That’s better than anything.
True. Terence was attempting to break Kelly’s record for Longest Frown. He only missed the record by two years, four months, and five days.
TERENCE: I actually smile a lot. People just don’t realize it.
Nor do we care.
– The plane takes off. Whether Ken & Tina got on first is unknown.
– Phil informs us that teams are flying to Cumbocu. We see a mad dash of ten teams running through the airport and trying to figure out where the taxis be at. They all went into the wrong direction and backtrack.
– Terence & Sarah are first into a cab. Runners make it first to a cab? Who woulda thunk it. Sarah tells us what went down.
SARAH: Guys carrying all of the girls’ bags except for us.
Either chivalry is alive and well except for Terence who is a jerk or Sarah is an independent strong person.
– Kelly & Christy 2nd. Dandrew 3rd. Anthony & Stephanie fourth but cabbie stalls. Toni & Dallas now fourth. Aja & Cabbie fifth. Everyone is kicking themselves for going to international arrival instead of domestic.
– Now back to Anthony & Stephanie.
So heroic that they sacrifice their own race to help out taxis in need.
STEPHANIE: What are we doing? We need another taxi!
Okay, maybe Anthony is the heroic one.
– Anthony said he had a stick shift clutch so he knew it would work. Stephanie yells at Anthony that he doesn’t know what he’s doing. She just doesn’t understand heroes.
– Marisa & Brooke tap on the trunk of a taxi. No driver to be seen.
– Marisa & Brooke are sixth into a cab. Mark & Bill seventh. Nick & Starr eighth. Ken & Tina ninth. Anthony & Stephanie give up on the cab and backtrack several feet to enter a cab in last place.
TINA: How many teams got off in front of us?
KEN: Most of them.
Especially Terence after that kiss.
ANTHONY: Everything is broken in this country. Every cab we have been in looks like they have been playing bumper cars for years. It’s a joke.
Anthony isn’t insulting cabs. He is insulting the policies currently being protested by hundreds of millions of people in Brazil. That’s right. Anthony is one for the Brazilian people. Yes, he has only visited the southeastern coast of Brazil for a couple days, but man, he’s gonna stand up for what’s right.
By the way, I love how he is basing off his opinion of a country because of two cab rides. And why didn’t he switch cabs right away when he had the chance? It’s not like you have to stick with it until it is broken.
– Dan is upset that the cab is going slow. It’s a mad scramble as several cabs get to the route marker at once. Terence & Sarah are first. They read they must take dune buggies to the Barraca D Manoel where a vendor will hand them their next clue.
A great place for dune buggies.
Better than taking a dune buggy through a sewer.
And to think Dean Cain was stuck driving a dune buggy ten kilometres per hour through a sewer. He got the short end of the stick on that one.
– They don’t get to drive the dune buggy sadly. Instead they ride in the back of it. Terence said it was incredible and awesome.
TERENCE: It started raining. It was like God showering us with love and joy.
You know what I was gonna say earlier? That Terence MUST be religious. Why? Because he never swears, is opposed to swearing, and does not treat women well. Plus he seemed a bit too embarrassed when receiving a kiss from Ken almost like there is more than an ounce of homophobia running through him.
From now on I should just announce somebody’s religious beliefs based on stereotypes. I think that’s the direction this blog needs to move into in the future.
– Aja & Cabbie have yet to find the clue on the beach. Kelly & Christy are second. I have yet to figure out what message is printed on the front of their shirts.
STEPHANIE: This is how they live every single day.
ANTHONY: It makes you appreciate what you have.
Yeah, that didn’t need to be transcribed.
Shane vows to visit their sh–ty apartment.
– Touching music is played as Stephanie continues to talk.
STEPHANIE: What kind of opportunities do they have?
ANTHONY: If they learned how to fix a car they’d probably make it rich.
Hey. Anthony is just encouraging trades-based skill training. We have the same problem in North America.
Don’t give me that look! He means well!
– Aja & Cabbie are at the dune buggy but don’t have a clue. Meanwhile they fall to eighth in the process. Dandrew can’t find the clue either. They ask Marisa & Brooke. So they backtrack.
– Marisa & Brooke loves getting a tan. They wave and yell “hey boys!”.
Uh oh. Awful memories.
– Just as they pass by is when one of “the boys” takes off his swim trunks and runs into the water naked. Marisa & Brooke SQUEAL.
MARISA: I saw his butt!
Between the squealing and chatter, they sound like they are twelve.
– It’s a Detour. Beach It or Docket. In Beach It, they will choose a two-man team crew and one of the traditional Brazilian boats known as a. . .jungada? Using local methods they will put heavy logs underneath the boat to transport it along the beach. They have only two logs so they have to keep rotating the logs.
It is identical to the task in TAR 5 episode 5 when they had to drag pyramid stones using traditional methods.
– The vessel is a bit heavier than the stone. It’s 440 pounds. Just like at El Giza, they must drag it across the sand and into the water.
– In Docket, teams must go to the nearby shipping yard by dune buggy to search for a container.
But first we must watch Phil complete his human trafficking delivery.
– When they get to the port they will choose a computer and search the database for SUDU 3751447 which matches the number in their clue. SUDU refers to a four letter code in the shipyard which their container is located. Inside the container holds their next clue.
Wow. That sounds complex.
– Terence & Sarah decide to Beach It.
CHRISTY: Kelly and I may be women, but we’re physically fit and freakin’ tough.
Terence refuses to believe that.
– Toni & Dallas also choose Beach It. Mark & Bill opt to Docket. Knowing how quickly they fatigue physically, this is very wise.
– Unlike the TAR 5 episode 5 task, the two-man crew physically helps them to push. It makes it much easier.
– Mark & Bill must wear hard hats as they surf the computer indoors.
They just wanted to look like f—ing Storm Troopers.
– Their number is 4962932. They realize there are a lot of containers.
– Nick & Starr choose to Beach It. Marisa & Brooke opt to Docket. Ken & Tina choose Beach It. Marisa & Brooke tells the driver to follow Nick & Starr.
– Dandrew choose to Beach It because it’s “a guy test”. They brag about weightlifting all of the time. Aja & Cabbie follow suit. Marisa & Brooke are wondering where they are. They solve the problem and understand that following Nick & Starr led them to the wrong Detour option.
I can’t believe they thought Nick & Starr wouldn’t do a physically demanding task.
– Mark & Bill find the number. Mark brags about doing well with computers.
BILL: As Yoda would say, ‘do or do not. There is no try.’
Wow. I feel like the biggest nerd for beating Bill to a Star Wars reference. I feel awful.
– Christy hates that Terence & Sarah are ahead. Sarah briefly states that the task is draining. Cue another moment of jacka–ery from Terence.
That’s right. Don’t do push-ups at all. In fact, NEVER do push-ups if you want to be physically fit enough to push a boat.
It’s okay. He’s just crazy because he bumped his head.
TERENCE: DID YOU HEAR ME?!
SARAH: Yeah, I heard you. I am tired. Not deaf.
– Kelly & Christy hear this. Kelly speaks and she is all smiles
Uh oh. Kelly has reached Super Frown Mode. Christy fears for her life.
KELLY: Don’t let him yell at you, you’re working your butt off.
P.S. The shirt says “My White is Green”.
– Kelly says Terence acts like her ex-husband in terms of yelling and controlling.
Something tells me Sarah is bright enough to leave Terence as an ex-boyfriend rather than ex-husband.
– Nick instructs Starr to kiss each member of the crew on the cheek. One guy is missing four teeth. Nick’s idea was to make the crew go faster but I think it’s because Nick wanted to see Starr kiss a man who didn’t have the best hygiene.
And if they really begin to struggle, perhaps Nick will force Starr to let the crew get to third base on her.
– Mark & Bill are stunned by the hundreds of containers. Anthony & Stephanie arrive in dead last. Anthony chuckles as they decide to Beach It.
– Dan is confused about what to do in terms of the task.
DAN: Do we get on?
Now it’s 640 pounds.
– Andrew wonders why Dan is such an idiot. Mark & Bill find SUDU. Bill recognizes this is the Needle in the Haystack.
– Terence & Sarah finish. They read they must locate nearby taxis in a parking lot and head to the Parque de Vaquejada. Sarah wonders where they take a taxi. Terence says to go where the boats are or run up the hill.
– Nick & Starr breeze past Kelly & Christy in Nick’s words. They have the clue and see the arrow.
Nick once again finds the arrow while Terence & Sarah once again miss it. Because Terence & Sarah are runners, they quickly find themselves in a vast space of emptiness.
– Kelly & Christy finish. They have the clue which means they completed the task. So they’re off on their way.
CHRISTY: We didn’t get our unmarked container.
Zach, what the f— is this?
– Christy explains that the other Detour option had a note about an unmarked container, and for some reason thought it applied to the Beach It task. Kelly & Christy are frustrated because they know the container is in the yard.
– Mark & Bill find their container and have the clue. They may have made up time after all. Mark & Bill enter a cab in first place. Wow. That was the fastest task by far.
– Terence & Sarah are now in the city streets. No taxis to be found. Meanwhile Nick & Starr are second into a taxi.
– Kelly & Christy find a marked flag in the sand. They assume a container from a shipping yard is in the sand.
That may be the dumbest thing I have ever had to type in two years of blogging. It looks dumber than what I typed.
Yep. Good luck hiding a three ton container underneath the shores of a sandy beach.
The Drake tribe should know that you don’t bury things in the sand!
Unless it’s an idol.
– So they dig in the sand.
– Toni & Dallas have their clue and run off. So do ken & Tina. Kelly & Christy continue digging.
KELLY: Do you think everyone is giving up and went to get a taxi?
– Terence & Sarah have yet to find a cab. Ken & Tina get into a fight. Dallas tells Toni to not let the fanny pack get wet. Tina refuses to cross a marsh. She accuses Ken of yelling. I guess quietly telling his wife to cross a marsh is their mutual idea of him getting loud.
– They say they argue but get over it.
TINA: I get to the point where I shut down.
KEN: After you throw a few jabs and a right cross?
TINA: I’ll say a few choice things. I won’t go too quietly.
She’s responsible for why they have a bigger cab.
– Terence sees an ice cream shop and wants to go for ice cream. Mama Sarah denies the request. I bet if she wanted to go for ice cream he would freak out.
– Mark & Bill’s cab passes by Terence & Sarah. They now see Ken & Tina’s. Terence tries to flag it but he sees a team in it. Tina wanted Ken to stop to help Terence & Sarah in case their car breaks down further along in the race.
And there’s our confirmation. Tina’s strategy for everyone to “owe her one” for the bigger plane was indeed to receive help down the road.
– Terence yells as he sees another cab. It stops. Dallas informs Terence & Sarah how to find the taxis. Note that Sarah did not talk to Dallas.
– Anthony & Stephanie begin pushing. Marisa & Brooke stop to cry for several minutes. Cabbie eggs them on by telling Aja that the girls are tired. Aja is amused.
CABBIE: Their faces are flushed!
AJA: Our faces don’t get red.
– Dandrew is done in 5th. Kelly & Christy give up on digging.
KELLY: Nobody can find a container. We should just give up.
Hilarious. Dandrew are fifth into a cab. Kelly & Christy enter the cab. Christy reads the Detour clue. She is stunned to understand the extent of their stupidity.
And their stupidity is far from over.
– Aja & Cabbie seventh. Marisa & Brooke complete it.
MARISA: We’re daredevils now.
Daredevils? You pushed a boat with two other people makes you a daredevil.
You’re about as much of a daredevil as Ben Affleck.
– Marisa & Brooke complain of soreness. Anthony & Stephanie read the clue. Well sorta.
ANTHONY: Go to Barraca lehlehlehleh. F— it.
– Terence & Sarah backtrack to the taxi right before Marisa & Brooke and Anthony & Stephanie. Anthony reads that all teams should make their taxi wait at the next route marker.
I have never seen production explicitly tell teams to request their taxis to wait at the route marker. That’s a bit too much help with strategizing.
– Mark & Bill are at the roadblock. They tell their cab to wait. In this roadblock, teams will see a wall of signs. Their next destination is written on the wall amongst the ads.
PHIL: To accomplish this quickly they must embrace the laid back local beach culture and resist to overthink the local ads on the wall.
– Once they write down the correct town name and hand it in to the painter, they will receive their next clue.
– Bill is doing the roadblock. He sees a list of sixteen places. He picks a random one amongst the sixteen. It’s wrong. Bill decides to write down all sixteen names.
– Tina is doing the roadblock. She figures out that Bill is writing down all sixteen names. Bill knows Tina had a way to solve it that she didn’t before.
BILL: I am a reflexively honest guy.
– Nick & Starr pull over and ask for directions. Nick instructs her to calm down and not go nuts.
– Toni is doing the roadblock. Bill runs off and goes through the whole list of names.
– Andrew is doing the roadblock. Tina finishes off writing the names. Bill receives the clue. He reads teams must travel by taxi to Cidade Da Crianca. It is an oasis for the city’s children.
I can’t recall if my town has an oasis for the local children.
– Mark & Bill drive off in their taxi. Tina receives her clue. Ken kisses Tina in celebration. Bill will be stoked to hear he could be number one. Ken & Tina catch up alongside Mark & Bill at a red light.
KEN: It’s Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus!
MARK: Hey, let the fat boys have one!
KEN: I gotta make Big Momma happy.
MARK: C’mon! NOOOOOOO.
– Nick & Starr show up. Nick is doing it.
– KELLY & CHRISTY (in unison): We have learned to read the clue!
Kelly goes into Sindel Mode.
– Aja & Cabbie pass Kelly & Christy on the road. Cabbie is doing it.
– As soon as Kelly & Christy grab the roadblock clue Kelly curses loudly. She remembered that they needed to tell their taxi to wait. We see the taxi drive off.
– Bill is happy to be in a foot race with the ex-professional football player. Hopefully Tina’s implants slow her down. They are in a foot race. Mark & Bill run ahead but Mark’s bag ripped and is reduced to a walk.
1ST: KEN & TINA
They win ATVs.
2ND: MARK & BILL
Tina loves Mark & Bill. Phil asks why Ken & Tina are on the race. Ken wants to put marriage back together. Baby steps. Tina says coming in first has made them become aware of their potential.
MARK: If coming in first makes your marriage get brought back together, well screw the ATVs.
Like Mark & Bill would have ever used an ATV.
– Marisa & Brooke and Terence & Sarah show up. Terence decides to pause the race and kiss Sarah on the lips several times before she begins.
SARAH: That kiss is emblematic of the difference in our personalities. Mr. Sensitivo with his emotions wants to take in the moment and I’m like “Dude, we’re behind”.
– Chirsty, Aja, and Andrew are all doing the roadblock.
– Anthony & Stephanie show up. Anthony is gonna do it.
– Nick wants to work with Sarah. He pushes Sarah aside after two seconds to work with Andrew. You would think Nick’s moments of jacka–ery would ostracize him from other teams.
– Christy finishes the task. Suddenly up to third. The lead is necessary because they need the time to catch a cab. Aja is done next. Sarah is done followed by Dallas.
– Terence & Sarah pass by all of the teams. Kelly & Christy try to flag down multiple taxis but they have Aja & Cabbie and Toni & Dallas inside. Cabbie is excited when he figures out that Kelly & Christy are idiots.
Although Christy rocked the task.
– Okay, you know who’s dumber than Kelly & Christy?
BROOKE: Marisa, you can do it!
MARISA: But I don’t know Spanish. It’s all in Spanish.
BROOKE: You don’t have to know Spanish.
MARISA: It’s all in Spanish!
Actually, zero percent of it is in Spanish. Her statement is as wrong as it could possibly be. Awesome.
– Stephanie insists that Anthony write stuff down. He is stumped because he doesn’t know what anything means and is grumpy. Starr is pissed that second out of the Detour has now dropped them to seventh or worse at the roadblock.
– Kelly & Christy are still on the road.
– Starr and Stephanie yell for their partners to write everything down.
ANTHONY: Give me a break. I’m looking at a bunch of Pig Latin.
That statement is equally true as saying everything is in Spanish, sadly.
Write down Idadecay Aday Iancacray to receive your next clue.
– Christy prays to the only man in her life, Jesus, to call them a cab.
STARR: We’re vowging now to get eliminated.
I like to make up my own words too.
MARISA: I think it’s something on this wall.
No f—ing s—, Sherlock.
– Andrew thinks he has it. He is stunned when he is rejected. Andrew rambles off more words. Dan says everyone was uttering a longer phrase.
– Several teams engage in a foot race to the mat.
3RD: TERENCE & SARAH
4TH: AJA & CABBIE
5TH: TONI & DALLAS
– They all huddle, clap, and hug together. Phil asks about their relationship. Terence & Sarah recap how grateful they are that Toni & Dallas helped them out.
TERENCE: At first we were like ‘we are not gonna work with any other teams’. . .
WE? WE?! I think you mean ‘I’, Terence.
– Terence said Toni & Dallas’ beauty shined through and he wants to be a class act going forward.
– Nick swears to god that he will share the answer with Andrew if he has the answer. Andrew waits for Nick to report back.
NICK (to STARR): I’m going to ask you once and ask you calmly, you will stop shouting.
What a freakin’ control freak.
– Nick receives the clue and runs into the van. He doesn’t even acknowledge Andrew.
You know what I think? Nick is such a calm and focused racer that he is pretty much the Brian Heidik of TAR. He doesn’t even express an ounce of regret for abandoning Andrew.
NICK: I don’t mind playing dirty as long as I am the one benefiting from it.
Maybe our taxi is trapped inside of an unmarked shipping container.
– They count three taxis on the grass. Wow. One of those taxis was theirs. He had been waiting the whole time.
HOW DO YOU NOT CHECK TO SEE IF YOUR TAXI IS WAITING?! Holy crap. That’s the first thing you do. It’s like wondering why your computer has crashed but not check to see if it is plugged in.
– It’s Marisa vs. Andrew vs. Anthony. The ultimate triple threat match.
– Andrew has the clue. Dan is more ecstatic than Dan.
– Now it’s Brooke vs. Anthony. Anthony has written down everything. Marisa has it and screams.
MARISA: Girls from South Carolina are not stupid. We might be a little slow but not stupid.
I gotta hand it to you. Your Spanish skills are incredible.
6TH: NICK & STARR
– Anthony has the clue. His godlike abilities have inched him closer to survival. No way this team is going down.
PHIL: Kelly & Christy. . .
CHRISTY: We’re team number six.
7TH: KELLY & CHRISTY
– Marisa & Brooke and Dandrew engage in a foot race. Anthony & Stephanie emerge on the scene too. All three teams continue to suck regardless of an equalizer.
– So who survives?
9TH: MARISA & BROOKE
Once again, Marisa & Brooke avoid dead last by one slot in a foot race.
– Sad music plays.
No. No! No! It cannot be!
ANTHONY: I am glad I have my parents, my looks, and Stephanie.
In that order too. So noble to put his fiancee last.
Good night, Sweet Prince.
Next Time on TAR: Altitude sickness takes its toll, and Ken impresses his wife. Why? Did he finally remember to take the garbage out the night before? Did he clean the garage?
Yeah, worst preview segment ever.
P.S. The world would never be the same after Anthomania came to a premature end.
Rank the Legs:
1) Salvador, Brazil -> Fortaleza, Brazil
Funniest round of TAR in a long time. Everyone delivered.
a) Tina’s sense of entitlement and telling everybody and their mother that they single-handedly increased the size of the plane even though it was really because Kevin Smith was on board
b) Terence being such a mixed bag of right and wrong and crybabyitis. This leg was all about Terence & Sarah from start to finish. He is simultaneously hated and loved by every team.
c) Kelly & Christy continue their quest of inspiring everyone on this season to make horribly dumb decisions. Oh, and did you know they are divorced?
d) Nick & Starr play such an antisocial game because Nick’s sphere of caring does not lie outside of Ken, Tina, and Starr. Also, forcing Starr to kiss seamen is downright amusing.
e) Anthomania. Anthony’s obsession with failed cars.
f) Marisa & Brooke pretty much acting like twelve year olds as they run through the race. I mean, handing out candy and squealing whenever they saw nudity on the beach.
g) The Detour was fairly creative. Even if one of the options was a mirror of a Detour from eight seasons earlier.
The only issue I had was the lacklustre roadblock. But seriously, the huge errors and personality quirks that the teams suffered from makes this an incredible episode from start to finish.
2) Los Angeles/Where else? -> Salvador, Brazil
The least memorable tasks in a premiere ever? I forgot about baristas, churches, military base, boats, and the descent.
Heck, the only memorable task before I watched this episode was Dandrew crawling up the steps, but that’s because Dandrew can make anything they do memorable. Even if they eat a bowl of Cheerios they would be more interesting than any other team doing anything except Anthony & Stephanie.
But seriously, Dandrew isn’t the only redeeming factor to balance out the uninspired and rehashed tasks this task. There was a lot of hilarious moments of foreshadowing and character interactions that are downright entertaining. In fact. that essentially takes over the episode.
Perhaps the reason why the competition aspect doesn’t engage us is because all eleven teams check in within a space of about eight minutes. It was far too chaotic for the viewer to follow. That’s what happens when the pit stop is barely a minute away from the end of the Detour. If I was an editor I’d have a tough time making it cohesive on screen.
Get used to appreciating the characters while they last. Anita & Arthur are a fitting first team to be eliminated and made enough of a contribution to the series.
Lastly, this episode receives a major positive boost because Anthony & Stephanie survived, and frankly back when this season originally aired in 2008, that is what we all only cared about.
Rank the Teams:
1) Anthony & Stephanie
So awesome. So incredible. So amazing. Anthony inspired all of Brazil to become car mechanics after the opening two rounds. Brazil celebrates Anthomania on an annual basis.
And Stephanie sure loves thinking about her s–ty apartment and finances. Also, she likes putting things in perspective.
2) Anita & Arthur
You know those friends you have who say they are hippies just because they go camping every once in a while and have picky tastes? Expose them to Anita & Arthur if you want to shut them up. Hippies in the truest sense. Their two jobs all occur outdoors in the wilderness. Self-reliant. Old school. Probably have run more than one grow-op in their day.
I must admit they look a lot like my uncle did for several decades. Facial hair and, well, regular hair is the best of anything I have seen in TAR, Survivor, and Big Brother.
Unfortunately they don’t have a personality that would captivate enough of the audience on TV. I remember watching a deleted clip online where they lost their clue for two minutes as they search between the seats and their fanny packs in the taxi. They did it in a calm manner, found the clue, kissed, and moved on.
That’s why it was a deleted clip.
Super nice people and big fans of TAR. I am happy that production cast them. It is probably one of the few non-mactor teams that will be most remembered for their looks.
Bilal & Sa’eed N/A
— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Anita & Arthur 11.0
11th Ari & Staella 11.0
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0
11th John & Scott 11.0
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0
10th A Black Family 10.0
— F +–
10th Anthony & Stephanie 9.5 (Why them?????)
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.)
10th Kate & Pat 9.0
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
9th Marianna & Julia 8.33
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8 – Yielded
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Aiello Family 7.0
8th Tom & Terry 7.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
9th Rogers Family 6.5
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF
10th Ernie & Jeena 6.0
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
7th Dave & Lori 5.83
5th Kami & Karli 5.8
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
7th Shana & Jennifer 5.8 Used U-Turn
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
6th Gaghan Family 5.5
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
8th Sahil & Prashant 5.4 FF
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33
7th Gus & Hera 5.29
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
8th Lorena & Jason 5.25 U-Turned
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
7th Ray & Deana – 5.0 FF
7th Melody & Sharon 5.0
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th Fran & Barry 4.89
6th Howard & Sahran 4.88
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85 – Yielded
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
7th Teri & Ian All Stars 4.83
7th Schroeder Family 4.75
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71 – Used Yield
6th Brian & Greg 4.71
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF and Used Yield and Yielded
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
5th Uchenna & Joyce All Stars 4.33 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23
3rd Nicolas & Donald 4.18 FF and U-Turned
4th Linda & Karen 4.17
3rd Charla & Mirna All Stars 4.15
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF and Used Yield
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11
5th Andy & Laura 4.00 – Yielded
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
1st Zabrina & Joe Jer 3.77
2nd Sandy & Francesca 3.77 – Used Yield
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
5th Kynt & Vyxsin 3.63 Used Yield
1st Eric & Danielle All Stars 3.62 – Yielded Twice
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56
4th Joseph & Monica 3.50 – Yielded
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46 – Used Yield and Yielded
2nd Ronald & Christina 3.45
4th Nathan & Jennifer 3.40 – Never finished in 1st
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
1st Chip & Kim 3.38 – Used Yield
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31
1st TK & Rachel 3.18
4th Godlewski Family 3.18
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17 – Used Yield
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 3.17
3rd Weaver Family 3.15 – Yielded Twice
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00 – Yielded
6th Azaria & Hendekea 3.00
4th Hayden & Aaron 2.92
2nd Dustin & Kandice All Stars 2.92 – Used Yield
2nd Bransen Family 2.85
1st Linz Family 2.77 – Used Yield
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
–BEST OF THE BEST–
8th Rob & Amber All Stars 2.75 – Used Yield
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny All Stars 2.67 FF x2 and Used Yield
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF and Yielded
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF and Used Yield
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF
Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)
11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF
18 legs Danielle 4.78
19 legs Teri & Ian 4.63 FF
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF
20 legs Charla & Mirna 4.00 None
21 legs Joe & Bill 3.71 FF
22 legs Uchenna & Joyce 3.64 FF x2
*31 legs Eric & Danielle 3.48 FF
23 legs Oswald & Danny 3.30 FF x3!
25 legs Dustin & Kandice 3.04 None
26 legs Eric 2.65 FF
17 legs Rob & Amber 2.41 None
* I determined Eric & Danielle’s average in this last section by adding up all of their individual points from TAR 9, then adding up their total points in All Stars and dividing it by 31.