The Amazing Race 12 episode two rankings

Episode Two

zabrina joe jer

Wonders why every all-female team over the age of 45 and every ‘attractively cast’ all-female teams can never crack 8th place overall in the TAR franchise.

And welcome to TAR 12. The first episode was downright hilarious despite following the typical script of ‘couples and siblings finishing on top while every all-female team and a super high-strung/annoying couple narrowly avoid elimination’.

So we are in Ireland. Clifden, Ireland.

tony clifton

I got chicken wings from Dublin Fried.

Teams are no doubt getting drunk at the pit stop as we speak and hoping for further luck throughout the race. Let’s see what they do now.

Previously on TAR: 11 teams set out from Los Angeles, California on a race for one million dollars. Once in Ireland, dating Goths Kynt & Vyxsin surprised all the others.

kynt vixsin

But yet finished 3rd on the very task shown, and 3rd for the race to make Phil’s statement an intentional exaggeration.

Other dating couples, Nathan & Jennifer, and Lorena & Jason, needed better teamwork. While some teams flourished and had fun. . .others found themselves coming to a complete halt. In the end, siblings Azaria & Hendekea came in first place and Nate & Jenn managed to inch out Ari & Staella who came in last.

Ten teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?


kynt vyxsin intro

Vyxsin’s outfit almost looks like a Furby come to life.

joey furby

Heh. This joke will make sense about 15 months from now.

ari staella dance

Okay. . .how come THIS was never explained in their season premiere intro? What is that dance and why are they wearing those outfits? It’s tough to be an intimidating wannabe villain when we’re doing some sort of European dance in a 19th century Ukrainian kitchenware outfit.

– Phil introduces us to Ireland and how it was originally inhabited 7, 000 years ago and how a cultural heritage centre was the site of the first pit stop.

Phil’s Questions: Will Kynt & Vyxsin continue to impress the other teams, and be overhyped by production to ensure a slot on a future all-star season? And will dating couple Nate & Jenn be able to overcome their bickering?

kynt vyxsin star

Dare I say they will be the stars of this season?

And it’s funny that beating Kate & Pat, Nic & Don, Shana & Jennifer, Nate & Jenn, and Ron & Christina is somehow an unexpected feat.

– Azaria & Hendekea, who arrived first at 1200pm, will depart at 1200am. You can hear the church bells in the background. They read that they must fly to Amsterdam.

tk rachel high

He’ll be happy at the next pit stop.

– Teams must fly 600 miles to Amsterdam, which was already visited in TAR 4 and eliminated our beloved Steve & Dave. Once here, they will travel by train to Amsterdam Central Station and search the canals to find a hard-to-pronounce bridge to find their next clue. Yep, exactly like TAR 4 so far.

– Azaria asks Hendekea which way he should go. She screams at him saying they already discussed it the night before. Hendekea wants to prove something to her brother.

azaria bored

Azaria meanwhile couldn’t care less.

– Kynt & Vyxsin depart in 2nd. Kynt assumes Amsterdam will love them.

KYNT: When you’re playing the Amazing Race, you’re completely in the dark–
VYXSIN: The dark is of course mine and Kynt’s favourite place in which to dwell.

vyxsin zinger

Hold on honey, let me get this zinger in before you keep talking. Thanks.

– 1215am. TK & Rachel depart. Rachel is excited for Amsterdam. TK says Rachel is more important than this race as they explore new places (in the world). Rachel is non-stop enthusiastic about Amsterdam.

rachel dog

Yep. Cue the Afroman music.

– One hour later it’s time for Lorena & Jason. That’s what Jason gets for pulling away from the other teams and ignoring directions. Lorena promises Jason she will be calm. Jason is laughing. So does she.

– 135am. Nic & Don depart. Nic says he will never yell at his grandpa to run or hurry up. Probably because Don’s bones are fragile and will snap out like that NCAA basketball player and will be kicked out of the competition.  Nic finds himself in the back seat navigating. I bet it’s because Don forgot to bring his ultra thick glasses to read the map.

don ten

The Universal Grandpa Driving Strategy–drive ten kilometres below the speed limit to ensure your blurred vision can recover in time to avoid an accident.

– 157am. Shana & Jennifer. Jennifer finds night driving creepy and leans her face to the window to try and see.

SHANA: The race is a shock to our system. Clearly I haven’t had a facial or manicure.

#1: Lady, it’s been two days!
#2: If only you had a portable Seacrest for a facial.
#3: The camera will not zoom in on your manicure.

– JENNIFER: The lights won’t stay on so I have to hold it in with one hand unless I am just an idiot.
SHANA: She asks that question a lot.

shana idiot

Ah. A meme.

– Don hit a curb and has a flat tire.

DON: I couldn’t see it.
NIC: I saw it comin’.

andy smile

Would’ve attributed it to the fact that he refuses to believe he would drive so recklessly.

– Ron & Christina depart much later at 246am. Considering the last ferry was two hours after the first, they really didn’t do too well with their tasks last round given Azaria & Hendekea have a 46 minute surplus.

– Christina forgets her fanny pack. Ron tells her to not do it again as she returned. She wants to work the kinks in their relationship.

ron shirt

I see Ron has brought out his Alzheimer’s shirt.

– Kate & Pat begin at 247am. Kate knows God doesn’t care whether or not they win The Amazing Race.

PAT: NO?! DANG!

– Kate & Pat follow Ron at Ron’s request. Ron likes that he is following them and that it’s not the blind leading the blind.

– Shana & Jennifer pass Nic & Don on the road. They pass by without a word.

NIC: The blondes? They definitely can’t help us.

Now they shouldn’t feel so bad.

– Shana says she’d stop if he was injured or dying on the road.

don hide 2

Although evidence here proves otherwise.

– The tire is fixed. No more damage.

– 259am. Marianna & Julia. Silence.

– 300am. Nate & Jenn. Nate says Jenn brings out his ‘A’ game, which is what he loves about her. Although he didn’t have his ‘A’ game to successfully run around with a mistress to avoid getting caught.

JENN: It’s on like Donkey Kong.

I hate you.

– Jenn sees Marianna & Julia driving in the opposite direction than they should. Jenn is certain about her route.

– Hendekea says Kynt runs around like he is on Speed and is a serious competitor. Well, I bet it’s not the first time that someone has accused Kynt of looking like he is on drugs.

marilyn manson

How else do you think he made millions from being a singer?

– They are taking a 700am flight to Dublin. Ticket counter opens at 600am. The first four teams are at the counter. Jason agrees they will be in the order they arrive. Kate & Pat, and Ron & Chris enter a place with Internet. Ronald yells at Christina that she is wasting time.

– Nate & Jenn pass the two idle cars on the road. Ronald keeps telling Christina to move it. She tells him to stop it. Real awkward moment for Kate & Pat. They exit without any success for tickets. Ron checks to see if she has her fanny pack.

– Pat says Ron got real hyper inside the inn. In the inn. In the inn in the inn. Indian.

– Kate thinks that Ron hopefully just looks hard to them and that Christina isn’t having a miserable time. Jenn hopes that their route was best and gets them at the airport much earlier than Marianna & Julia. They’re sixth at the airport. Jenn’s navigation skills are strong.

– The first flight gets into Amsterdam at 1215pm. Everyone will be on the flight to Dublin, but the Dublin flight to Amsterdam has fewer seats.

– Azaria & Hendekea, Kynt & Vyxsin, and TK & Rachel all have tickets.

– Kate & Pat are at the airport. Kate’s head hurts. Pat struggles to even exit the car because of her legs. It’s only the start of leg two.

This is why all-female teams in their 40s and upwards who aren’t Bowling Moms or Derby Moms with the superb athletic frame are ever cast. All-male teams in their 40s and up are probably the only demographic less cast than all-female 40+. Why?

Because they always suck. Plus their mindset is different–they aren’t as competitive as the other teams and instead view the race as an ‘experience’, much like an older person’s mantra, rather than for the competition and monetary greed. It’s not a bad thing in life per se, but it will put you out of a game like TAR very quickly.

And these two look like they’ve been hit by a truck after a leg that was relatively easy when compared to the TAR norm.

– Kate mentions that Pat survived cancer. Uh oh. Excessively personal moment means you are very much at risk to be eliminated. I caught onto this editing by TAR 9/10ish back on my first watches.

– There are two lines. Shana & Jennifer picks up tickets before Lorena & Jason. They have their tickets.

– It’s Nic & Don versus Nate & Jenn. Nate & Jenn have the faster agent so they pick up the tickets. Nic & Don helplessly watch as there are no more tickets available.

– Nine teams are on the Dublin flight.

FLIGHT #1: Azaria & Hendekea; Kynt & Vyxsin; TK & Rachel; Lorena & Jason; Nathan & Jennifer; Shana & Jennifer

– It’s 650am. Marianna & Julia are still on the road. I guess they eventually figured out they are on the wrong road. The raw footage must have led editors to believe that they are a boring team.

– They ask if there’s any chance to be on the 700am flight.

AGENT: Definitely not.
MARIANNA: Is everyone on it?
AGENT: Everybody except yourselves.

Question: How does the agent know there are ten teams? For all she knows there is an eleventh team. What makes her so dang certain? Did production tip her off?

– Nine teams board the flight to Dublin. Marianna & Julia are left behind in Dublin.

I think it may be unprecedented that nine teams are on one flight and a tenth team is left on the other. 9:1 ratio is very rare. Especially after watching TAR Asia where teams were grouped together on flights for 12 1/2 of 13 legs.

– NIC: It was a race to the standby counter in Dublin.

A foot race you certainly won’t win.

– Nicolas & Donald beat Ronald & Christina to the stand-by counter. Nic shoves the ticket into her face and he keeps repeating standby. His face is red. She tells him to wait twice. Ronald & Christina are at a different counter. Ronald tries to be in his professional salesman mode and be polite. Nic keeps rambling about how important it is to be on the flight.

NIC: Are we ahead of them? We need to be number one on the list. Please move faster.

3 strikes and you’re out!

– Don knows Nic was being too pushy. The agent tells them to stand to the side. The agent tells another that Nic was being rude. Christina hears this.

RONALD: Nic is abrasive and he made us look bad in front of the agent and I just lost it.

(NIC smiling knowing he was too flustered at the counter.)

RONALD: My issue is this–
CHRISTINA: Wait-waitwaitwait.
RONALD: Okay. Your grandpa–Let me calm down. Shhhhhhh.
CHRISTINA: Daddy–
RONALD: You got a mouth that starts with bad energy that–
CHRISTINA: Let me say what happened. The ladies behind the counter said you were really rude. So my dad is upset.
NIC: Yeah, I was hasty.
CHRISTINA: They’re gonna help you even more if you’re cordial with them. By the way, do you know if Azaria is single?
RONALD: That’s your whole problem! Your grandpa is the good cop and you are the bad cop!
NIC: Let me speak for a second, sir. Why don’t we talk about it later?
RONALD: I don’t need to talk about it I have my version. I may have some problems with interpretation but the words that come through my ear are very clear because I cleared all the wax yesterday.

ronald mouth

If you didn’t know Nic was here, you’d think that Ronald was finally admitting his problems to himself. I love the irony that he cusses out somebody for being verbally rude to another person. Christina steps in to show how it’s done. Her tugging at Ron’s arm says it all.

And Ron’s vocabulary and the way he phrases sentences makes me think he is as anti-social as Frank Garrison or Matthew Von Ertfelda. He uses the English language in a way that no social butterfly would.

ronald christina laundry

And they clearly need to do their laundry. What happened here?

– Nic says there was nothing he could do once Ron snapped but stand there. Ron walks away as he commands Nic to hug her. I love how Nic has to be lectured by two old men about his rudeness at the counter. It’s like he is living back home again.

And he’s still going on about it in the background. Doesn’t Ron know that Nic’s rudeness will lead to them being on the earlier flight? It’s like Ron wants to teach an 11-week course on Social Etiquette.

Speaking of which, can we PLEASE have an 11-week reality show where Ron teaches social etiquette? I’d watch that religiously.

– I had to re-watch it again to see Ronald’s over-the-top shushing of Christina as he prepares to lecture about rudeness.

– Nic & Don are approved to be on the flight after the commercial flight. The speech worked.

– Marianna & Julia eventually enter the next airport and see teams for flight number two still in the airport. Kate is not impressed. Ron makes sure Chrstina has her shoes because it will be a foot race. I guess he’s not aware there’s a full round to play out.

– The first flight lands at 1215pm. Hendekea tells Azaria to run to the train itself and pay for the tickets there rather than be in line because the train leaves within four minutes. Sure enough Hendekea’s brilliance pays off and they are alone on the first train. The other six teams barely miss the train. and are ten minutes behind.

– Azaria & Hendekea have the clue at the bridge. It’s a Detour.

PHIL: Teams will have to choose between two activities seen around Amsterdam–

Light Up or Jump Rope.

double dutch

Where do you think the term Double Dutch came from?

It’s Hoist It or Hunt It.

– In Hoist It, teams use traditional rope-and-pulley system to hoist five pieces of furniture into a typical Amsterdam residence. Once all furniture has been moved inside, the foreman will hand them their next clue. The building is just a few feet away so teams do not have to travel far.

hoist it

Smart of the architects to not design an apartment building that have decks. Can you imagine that?

“Look out below or you’ll get a wooden chair in the chin!”

The rope-and-pulley system seems comical enough to be a Mr. Bean Goes to Amsterdam sketch.

– In Hunt It, teams make their way on foot several blocks to this parking lot full of bikes.

bikes

I thought bike lots like this only exist in Beijing.

– They will search through thousands of bicycles for the two bikes that are tagged with the same colour sequence as they were given.

bike sticker

I think those bikes belong to Cambodians. Google the Cambodian flag and you’ll see what I mean.

– Once they have matched up the bikes correctly, they will ride them five miles to the attendant who will hand them their next clue. Sounds like it could take much longer than the furniture lift.

– Azaria is uncomfortable with knots and therefore aims for the bikes.

– Lorena & Jason show up second. They’re gonna hoist it. The television will be their first item. Vyxsin feels comfortable with knots because she used to macrame. Yep. Goths sure love their homemade bracelets.

– Jason is told his knot is not safe while Vyxsin is approved. She hoists up a carriage. Azaria is stunned by the number of bikes. It’s purple-green-purple.

purple green purple

I think I know who that bike belongs to. . .

barney dinosaur

Even Barney has gone the public transportation route.
.
.
.
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spider

Or Spider from Micro Machines. Give yourself five points if you know what I’m talking about.

Or maybe Spider. 😛

– Jason is approved and hoists his first item. Vyxsin screws up on the next item.

– Shana & Jennifer are fourth. Shana chooses to hoist it.

SHANA: My arm muscles are one of the stronger points of my body so I thought I could hoist anything.

Well, it’s definitely stronger than your brain muscle. So I’ll give you that.

– Nate & Jenn and TK & Rachel are fifth and sixth to Hoist It. TK asks Rachel if she knows what needs to be done. She says ‘yes’. But guess who is doing all of the work with the knots?

TK. Rachel is coaching him how to do the knots from above.

RACHEL: I would start with the other end and do a slipknot.
TK: Slipknot?

tk slipknot

Let’s see. This is a strap. A ‘slipknot’ eh? Does that mean to go to a record store with this strap and combine it together to make. . .

slipknot

This?

– I’d be equally lost too. TK’s experience with knots seems to be on par with mine. At least I have the excuse that all I do is make fun of reality TV contestants online all day. What’s TK’s excuse? None.

– Nic and Don are seventh to the box. They choose to Hunt It because we know they can run several blocks, Don has a good eye for detail, and are avid bikers.

– Lorena tries to break Kris Perkins’ record for most use of the word ‘baby’ in a single season.

kris lucy

Yep. Her. Although her name may have changed to Kris Ball.

– Jason hoists up a grandfather clock. Lorena thinks it was their best moment yet because of how well they worked together. She even tells him they will receive their next clue. They read they must travel by bus to the rural village of Ransdorp.

Ah. A semi equalizer no doubt.

Once here they must locate a field. Jason is happy he got a workout and momentarily flexes his muscles.

– Azaria finds the first bike. The bikes aren’t even together. Cruel producers. Nic and Don join them at the bikes. Theirs is green-yellow-green. I have no witty remarks regarding that.

– Shana is hoisting up the objects.

JENNIFER: Good girl, Shana! Good. Good. Good.
SHANA: It’s heavier than Ryan Seacrest’s—-

Whoa! Shana! You can’t say that on TV! Maybe on liberal Dutch television, but not here!

SHANA: It’s heavier than me.

– Vyxsin’s second knot is safe. She finds it to be Bugs Bunny with the 300 pound weight above her head.

– Lorena & Jason see the bus leave just before them at the convenience of other teams.

– Nate has done the first four items. After Vyxsin’s fourth, she instructs her and Kynt to switch out because her arms are too tired. Jennifer tries to coach Nate from above but he is lost.

One of the readers said that Nate & Jenn were told by producers in the middle of the first leg that they cursed so much to the point that their footage, while entertaining, was not usable for TV. That’s why we saw Nate say ‘GOSH’ over and over towards the end of the previous leg when they received a ton of airtime.

Why am I bringing this up now?

NATE: I have no idea what you are saying!
JENNIFER: Oh my f—ing gosh.

Almost there, Jenn. Almost there.

JENNIFER: You’re a guy. You need to learn how to do these things.

Yep. Because knot-tying is such a masculine activity.

– TK is still stuck on the TV. Poor TK. He does a knot and the judge simply tugs on the knot and it comes loose. I lol’d. TK is sitting at 0 and the next flight is on its way.

– Kynt hoists up the grandfather clock and are done. They head to the bus. Hendekea has the other bike. Both of them ride the bikes.

azaria bike

He has the bike. All is well until Little Mac starts chasing after him. . .

little mac

Needs anti-racism  training. The bike is rightfully Azaria’s. Leave him alone.

– Nic has his first one. Jenn says he can’t pull it tight. So they switch. Shana is lifting up the grandfather clock. It’s the last item. She succeeds. Task is done.

shana lay down

Definitely not one for the dramatic.

shana lay down 2

SHANA: I need a chiropractor.

Yeah, definitely not one for the dramatic.

– Jennifer brags that Shana did the task faster than most of the men.

FOREMAN (handing clue): I’m giving this one to you. . .for more power.

His English. . .doesn’t make any sense.

– Kynt & Vyxsin is inside the train station. They are told to find Bus #30. Jenn’sknot is approved. TK is still struggling. Nate & Jenn are done.

– Shana & Jennifer, Nate & Jenn, and Lorena & Jason wait together for the #30. Jennifer cries that all of the teams are going to catch up. So what do you do to pass the time when you’re waiting on public transit to a rural village after a sweaty workout?

shana lipgloss

My lip gloss be poppin
My lip gloss is cool
All of the Dutch foremen chase me
After TK just got school’d
It’s poppin
It’s poppin

You really don’t know that song? Let me throw ya back to 2008. I doubt you’d know Scooter Smiff either.

I love that she is a 40 year old woman attempting to be in high school.

lil mama lip gloss

The choreographer must be on some serious drugs.

Okay. My tangent on Lil Mama’s one year of fame ends here.

– Kynt & Vyxsin yell for the bus to be halted as they run. Barely miss out. Kynt is disappointed. Donald finds the second bus. Nic tells Don to get on. Don tells Nic to be quiet.

– Azaria & Hendekea cross the street to find the bus. Ah. I see the benefits of the other Detour option. They see Kynt & Vyxsin who took the scenic gothic route.

– TK & Rachel are STILL at the Hoist It task. Switching has yet to enter their minds.

TK: You’re not going to be able to explain it from up there, okay?

S-W-I-T-C-H!

RACHEL: Why isn’t this working?
TK: Because I don’t think you know what you’re doing.

Who is the one handling the knots and responsible for 95% of this task again?

– The second flight with Marianna & Julia, Kate & Pat, and Grumpy Pants & Christina lands. They board the train together. I bet they all paid at the counter. I love how production refuses to give Marianna & Julia any substantial airtime. Pat knows teams could be struggling at a task. We see a cut to TK still struggling with the TV.

TK (calmly): Can you please stop talking?

If Nate or Jenn said the same statement it would include ten times more aggression and a shrieking tone. TK couldn’t be more mellow when he is annoyed.

– TK suggests to switch because he can’t get the knots after over an hour. Christina acknowledges it is down to three teams.

– Rachel has one of the most wicked knots I have ever seen. The foreman is visibly impressed. They would’ve been first if the person who said she knew what to do was the person doing the task. It’s like Richard Hatch saying he knows how to make fire but refuses to do so and lets somebody like Shii Ann or Jenna Morasca do it.

– All five items fly up in seconds. Probably because nothing interesting happened. They have their clue.

– First bus is in Ransdorp. It’s a roadblock. Teams must ‘master’ a skill once used by Dutch farmers who travel between fields that has turned into a regional sport–ditch vaulting.

dutchess pole

It appears an overly eager Dutchess of Ransdorp steals a pole and completes the task herself.

Once ESPN Ocho debuts on TV, ditch vaulting is bound to be one of its primary sports. Do you root for the Amsterdam Gap-Fillers or the Ransdorpian Legs of Yao Mingers?

– One player from each team will complete a vault by avoiding the mud and touching down in the field on the other side. It’s potentially a 5-second roadblock because it’s at the sight of the clue box. Miss and you land in the mud.

PHIL: Once they retrieve the clue on the other side, they can return to their partner in any muddy fashion they like.

Ah. So they worked the ‘Humour’ angle for a roadblock rather than one of skill, strength, and/or luck.

ROADBLOCK HINT: Who is the acrobat?

– Jenn of Nate & Jenn is doing it. She is a cheerleader after all. Jenn volunteers Shana. And Lorena volunteers someone named ‘Baby’.
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.
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Oh. She means Jason.

– Jason succeeds on the first try, has the clue, and comes back. Lorena says ‘Baby, I love you’ like ten more times.

– The task was done so quickly that Shana nor Jenn had the time to touch the poles yet. They instead watched him as he came back to understand the technique. I believe Jason has blazed through back-to-back clues.

style

Know that Jason will finish the round before Styles P can finish the Dutch.

– Lorena & Jason read the clue. They read they must locate a nearby Dutch cargo bike known as a Bakfiet and ride it through the countryside to the marked dropoff point. Once located, they drop it off and check into the pit stop. Similar to the leg 11 pit stop in TAR 3 format except it is an unofficial roadblock as one person pedals.

– They will check into the Durgerdam Yacht Club. It’s a “picturesque waterfront”. If you say so, Phil. Your usage of the word ‘picturesque’ has rendered the word void of all meaning.

– So Jenn the acrobat makes her first attempt.

jenn ditch

Look at that air! For sure she succeeds!

jenn regionals

Didn’t qualify for regionals.

– Shana still has her jacket on. Nic & Don stroll their way to the 2nd bus with Kynt & Vyzsin and Azaria & Hendekea.

– Marianna & Julia choose bikes instantly. Their light jog puts them well ahead of the other two teams. Ron & Christina choose to Hoist It. Christina thinks she has the knots figured out. Ronald is confused and desperately wants to switch tasks. He doesn’t understand this is really a roadblock. Flo would love this round of the race.

– Kate & Pat choose to Hunt It but walk slowly.

– Jennifer yells at Shana it’s not fast enough but completes it on her first try regardless. She insisted on wearing her jacket and in not-so-athletic gear. The lady yelling at her to get her clue has a funny voice. Tough to translate on paper.

– Nate points out that Shana “freakin’ made it”. Jenn proceeds to yell back.

– Ronald says they are wasting their time. Christina is too frustrated and follows her father’s pessimism. But he isn’t done yet.

RONALD: Okay, now what? Where do we head now? Is it that direction or here?

ronald detour

Ronald does his best impression of the Detour logo.

– Christina tells him just to move as she sighs. As they walk Ronald comes up with a new unit of measurement:

RONALD: There is going to be a lot of oceans of bicycles.

Crash of rhinos, school of fish, and. . .an ocean of bicycles.

CHRISTINA: I am confident we will find the right one!

Uh oh. Christina is breaking into tears. Optimistic half fading. . .equilibrium imbalance in the Hsu household. . .

– Ronald switches to confidence as Christina encourages him to do so.

RONALD: I am confident. On your mark, get set, go!

Wow. Even Jim McCoy doesn’t talk down to Marsha McCoy as much.

– Shana attempts to return to her partner. She pauses midway and falls in the middle of the ditch.

shana raccoon

You said you wanted a facial earlier, yes? Be careful what you wish for.

Who knew her facial would be stylized after a raccoon.

– Shana complains that it is the one place where there isn’t water to pour over her. I guess the Ransdorp Wet T-Shirt Contest isn’t until next week. Really cheesy wah-wah-waaah music plays in the background. A new soundtrack, alas.

– Jenn succeeds. Nate tells us she’s tough. He tells her he is proud of her but she says it was pathetic. We see the three teams pedalling on the bikes. As predicted, it’s Jason, Shana, and Nate. Jennifer managed to avoid lifting a finger the whole round.

– Jenn is sitting in the bike. Her first act? Beat Mirna for the Most Obnoxious Spit Award. Her next act? You know how Jenn called Kynt & Vyxsin ‘freaks’ repeatedly in the first round? Well, she doesn’t intend to stop with offensive nicknames for teams any time soon.

jenn frickin

Half a redemptive point scored for saying ‘frickin’.

– The camera zooms in on a bra.

bra

I wasn’t kidding. That is one strange camera operator.

1ST: LORENA & JASON

ransdorp

The greeters for this leg of the race include a kid in a pirate hat and another person who is wearing a diaper on their head.

JASON: Well aren’t you guys cute.

Translation: Their mommy dressed them in a fashion that constantly leads to them getting teased at school.

– Lorena & Jason feel good about the win, and view it as a confidence booster.

JASON: We want this to be a stepping stone for us.

jason macdonald

Just don’t use him as a stepping stone. He is NOBODY’s stepping stone.

– They have each won a 3-wheeled all-terrain sports bike. I wouldn’t mind seeing a montage of every team in TAR that has ever won a prize to in fact enjoy these rewards after the race.

In fact I would call it “They Enjoyed It. . .After the Race”.

– Marianna & Julia complain they have checked every bike.

JULIA (British accent): It’s why they say it’s The Amoizing Race.

Please never do a British accent again, Julia.

– Marianna & Julia have their bikes. Kate & Pat are still searching. Christina sees them and urges them to run faster.

– Jenn gets out of the cargobike before seeing the dropout point. She freaks out when she sees the dropout point and her and Nate nearly crash the cargobike. Shana & Jennifer easily catch up to them.

nate jenn dropoff

The sign should have read “Silence. Meditation in progress.”

nate jenn dropoff 2

How did the cargobike not tip?!

2ND: NATE & JENN

3RD: SHANA & JENNIFER (Note I will always call her ‘Jennifer’)

– They celebrate their finishes. Jennifer refuses to hug her partner.

– Kate & Pat mimic Lorena and end up saying ‘I love you’ and ‘I love you more’. Kate says she may have lost focus. Pat calmly tells her to return to the point where she may have lost her focus. The only time you associate ‘scramble’ with Kate & Pat is when it comes to their eggs for breakfast in the morning.

– Marianna & Julia have their clue. They shall pray to the Floridian Gods that the bus will not serve as an equalizer.

– You know what Ronald says when they struggle to find their second bike.

ronald christina bikes

RONALD: I told you this was an ocean of things!

osten

Wouldn’t choose any task that involved oceans, either.

– Ronald whines about frustration as Christina instructs him the only way to do well is to be positive. He does so as he brisks by Kate & Pat. Kate finds the first bike.

– Ronald asks who is looking at the right. She says he can. Then Ronald erupts stating that he was looking at the left, and wonders who is looking at the right. Christina says she will. Wow.

ronald question

“How come I am asking you to give me a direction after I have already made a decision on my own, and now it’s screwing up our rhythm? Think, Christina!”

– Pat laughs at their frustration as she slowly progresses. Marianna & Julia are waiting for the buses and have yet to see another team.

JULIA: But Mr. Miyagi runs like the wind so look out.

ronald question

Yes. Mr. Miyagi and Ronald really share that whole ‘peace’ and ‘calamity’ thing.

miyagi lesson one

Miyagi teach Danielson how to talk to Lady at Airline Counter.

Oh my word. I think I’ve found a new running joke each episode.

– RONALD: Optimism–optimism is only here!
(Proceeds to find bike.)

Oh. I bet Christina wishes one of her other sisters chose to go on this trip with him.

– After finding the bike Ron states one of the most unique quotes ever uttered in TAR.

christina sad

Christina’s Why The Face reaction is priceless.

CHRISTINA: Temporarily I take it back so we can get through this.

Wise move.

– Ronald is yelling that he is annoyed about how only positive vibes can get them through. Christina refuses to ride until Ron stops shouting.

Now who is being the difficult one?

– Kate has a reaction to more of Ronald’s yelling. I think that’s the reason she is losing focus during the task in the first place. Ronald agrees to stop shouting.

RONALD: I am trying to give you the real truth that other people won’t like when you have boogers on your nose.

christina wtf

Believe it or not this is a separate WTF face. If she had known this about her dad, I doubt she would have applied for the race with him in the first place.

– Pat says she lost focus and asks Kate to backtrack for her.

– 2nd bus lands in Ransdorp. Everybody knows the roadblock task involves the ditch vaulting course set up except. . .Kynt & Vyxsin.

KYNT: It involves the sheep over there.

sheep

That guy. Why did nobody else mention the sheep? Is it only perceived through Gothic Vision?

I love how Kynt ignores the whole team of ditch vaulters as if it is insignificant.

– Hendekea, Kynt, Rachel

KYNT: I’m not one of those ‘get down and dirty’ kind of boys.

kynt dirty

Makeup, strolls through graveyards, black and pink wardrobe, weird nets, chains, stars, and mascara is one thing. . .but jumping through mud is just plain CRAZY.

– Nic and Don watch the other teams do it for a minute. Hendekea first who fails.

hendekea mud

Yeah, she made it about halfway.

– Rachel succeeds on her first try. Don commits himself once he sees Rachel succeed. Kynt watches Rachel do it too much to Vyxsin’s dismay. Nic isn’t convinced yet that Don should do it.

nic pinky

I don’t know if this is for valuable information to help decide or if it’s for their own amusement.

kynt mud

Ah. The 180 Ditch Vault Butt-First. A rookie mistake in the Ditch Vaulting Circus. At least the mud matches his pants, sleeves, and hair. Colour co-ordination!

– Nic does not like the idea of Don doing this roadblock. Ronald & Christina receive their clue and join Marianna & Julia. Marianna & Julia watch Ronald’s lecture.

RONALD: Decompress and deconstruct what we did wrong. Deeeeep breaths. You’re vacillating. Your vacillation does rob us time so you gotta be more decisive.

I had to look up what ‘vacillating’ meant. No joke.

CHRISTINA: Do I need to be more decisive or do YOU need to be more indecisive?

Which, indirectly, is being indecisive in and of itself.

RONALD: You need to be decisive!

Now that’s decisive.

RONALD: I let you loose on this thing and you basically disappointed me.

christina sad

Every daughter’s favourite words they love to hear from their father on national television is “You disappointed me”. Look at that face and don’t tell me she enjoys those uplifting words! Gooooo team! Gimme my pompoms Kellie & Jamie!

– My favourite part is the random reaction shot from Marianna who has NOTHING to do with this whole argument.

marianna reaction

Marianna looks on with concern.

jill becky lee

becky

burbs dog

The world freezes temporarily.

– Christina asks permission to speak. She says he is hard on her and says it is like punch after punch. Ronald starts crying too and hugs her.

RONALD: 58 year old man is not easy to change.

No kidding. Adult diapers are a real mess.

– Christina says on a race he needs to make improvements overnight. Kate & Pat have their clue and see the bus up ahead. They watch it drive away because they refuse to run. So they’re on their own bus.

– Kynt makes the uncoordinated jump to the other side. Don barely moves. He is way too heavy for the task. Hendekea succeeds on her second or third try.

PAT: Buses don’t run overnight in Amsterdam so they turn it over to a mini bus.

In other words, they are so far behind that production had to make special arrangements. How slow were they pedalling and losing their focus listening to Ron’s words for Christina?

– They agree there is no finger pointing, make decisions together, and that miracles happen.

– TK compliments Rachel’s pleasing fragrance.

tk flatter

nate butcher

The Cook Islands Poop Butcher is taking the first flight to Ransdorp as we speak to chop up another victim!

– Vyxsin finds pedalling to be too heavy for her. Mind you this is a day after moving furniture. So her and Kynt switch. Azaria & Hendekea are sixth to the cargobikes. This leaves Nic & Don all alone at the roadblock.

– Someone is compelled to strip down. And no, Marianna & Julia haven’t shown up yet.

donald wrestler

Dead sexy.

But seriously, he looks like a 50s pro wrestler.

– Don says he stripped because of the mud clinging to him, but I think he just wanted to find an excuse to strip.

– TK & Rachel pass the dropoff point and don’t see Phil right behind them.

4TH: KYNT & VYXSIN

– Azaria & Hendekea ask directions and are told where the yacht club shall be. They run into TK & Rachel from the opposite direction. Azaria instructs TK to follow him. Mini coalition, I s’pose. So has Don’s stripping helped him with the task?

don fall

Not quite.

– He takes another tumble.

5TH: AZARIA & HENDEKEA

6TH: TK & RACHEL

– Marianna & Julia and Ronald & Christina show up to the roadblock. Marianna is doing it as well as Christina.

– Nic tells Don to kick his legs up. He -barely-makes up. Half his foot on grass and half on mud.

NIC: My grandfather made it across the river showing that anger and frustration pays off.

– So off they go.

– Marianna says she loved Track & Field and that Pole Vault was her main event. She clears it by several feet. Not even close.

– Just as Christina is about to do it, Ronald stops to coach her. A running start is key. But Christina fails anyway. Classic. Kate & Pat refuse to give up while sitting on a bus.

7TH: MARIANNA & JULIA

And so concludes the least amount of airtime a team has ever received in a single leg of the race.

– Nic & Don missed the sign.

8TH: NICOLAS & DONALD

PHIL: I got complaints from the locals that you went down to your underpants.
DONALD: I went further than that.
JULIA: Naked?

Yeah, Donald doesn’t understand the concept of ‘naked’. Maybe his 1950s version of what ‘naked’ would be on TV. Wanna know what naked means?

Ask this guy. . .

tom shower

And that guy. . .

alec cry

There. They can tell you the difference.

– Christina is about to go again and as she grabs the pole Ron manages to stop her again.

RONALD: Now you stop young lady and watch the demonstration!

He’s like the railroad worker from Mother 3 who stops Lucas before he has made enough progress in the story.

TAR editors even add in the record scratch.

christina hold it

Yeah. Ronald was an attorney in a past life.

– Christina has to do everything in her power to stop as Ronald insists she watch the demonstration.

RONALD: She put the position at the centre of it. . .do you understand the principle of the thing? Don’t want to see yourself in quicksand.

– Christina fails again.

RONALD: No good. You’re making mudpies here.

– Ronald interrogates her about why she has the pole on the edge and how she would need to be a “leaping monkey” to get across in that position.

christina concentrate

RONALD: Okay, okay. . .Take your time. Now just breathe deep in and out. But the principle–

christina concentrate

She says it for a second time. He finally shuts his mudpie hole.

– Christina succeeds.

RONALD: I think I could have done it better.

ronald laugh

I think this made the audience hate him more. If you were like me back in 2007, you probably thought this guy didn’t have a chance to make it past one more round.

– Ronald wants to carry the clue so Christina doesn’t contaminate it. He takes it up another notch. This guy is incredible.

– He is pushing the bike.

RONALD: It’s okay. You need to lose some weight.

hsu crash

Producers couldn’t plan it better themselves. That was right on cue. And no, I’m not going to make THAT joke.

RONALD: I shouldn’t have made that kind of comment.

Ya think?!

RONALD: What a crotch-buster.

Shouldn’t have made that kind of comment either. I think Ronald permanently walks around with a foot in his mouth.

9TH: RONALD & CHRISTINA

– Christina says it’s all about trying to figure out each other’s work styles. In other words, Christina needs to find a way to manage her dad. She says it is hard but working through it. He admits he is crass and be the Archie Bunker of the home. Christina wants to be treated like gold if love is there.

– Kate succeeds at the roadblock. Pat realizes they can still have fun.

kate pat kiss

One last departing kiss at the roadblock. The end is near.

LAST: KATE & PAT

– They are last and are indeed eliminated. They wished to last longer but know they are meant to be together.

Next Time on TAR: Lorena and a camel together produces hilarious results. Oh, and the race heads to the next continent including a new country on the TAR catalogue! It should be fun.

Confessional Count

MARIANNA.JULIA 2.0
RONALD.CHRISTINA 5.3
KYNT.VYXSIN 3.2
SHANA.JENNIFER 2.3
NICOLAS.DONALD 6.1
NATHAN.JENNIFER 2.1
AZARIA.HENDEKEA 1.2
LORENA.JASON 2.2
KATE.PAT 3.4
TK.RACHEL 3.1

Rank the Teams

1) Kate & Pat

Much like Pat & Brenda, Peggy & Claire, and Lisa & Joni, the significantly older and non-athletically built all-female team crashes hard very early in the race.

This is a very likable team that received a ton of pre-season hype for being Lesbian Ministers. You can see why it’s not controversial in their town is because they are both outstanding people.

They are Ministers who never brought God into the race. They understand God has zero investment in The Amazing Race. Sorry Uchenna & Joyce.

They showed some life in their second/final leg of the race, but there just wasn’t enough airtime to give them the proper treatment. They were good for reactions to the conflict of other teams.

Unfortunately they never had the opportunity to do much more than that.

And did you know Pat is sixteen years older than Kate? It is probably one of the biggest age discrepancies for a dating and/or married couple in the history of TAR.

Come to think of it, I can’t think of a time when TAR casts in this atrociously poor demographic after this season.

Shame. They just need to cast the strongest team they find in this demographic regardless of their lacklustre personality. Just take the dang risk.

2) Ari & Staella

Surprisingly, they don’t speak much in the premiere. It’s more of other teams talking about them, and Nate & Jennifer occupying a huge amount of airtime. Their edit was shoved to the side for most of the episode.

Those one-episode storylines in reality TV when players assume they will take the game down but get knocked out 45 minutes later (or early on when you’re 15 minutes away from your house) is always a great way to see contestants go down. It’s the reason why you like to tune into reality TV in the first place– because of the characters.

Karma and/or donkeys: 1 Ari & Staella: 0

Rank the Legs:

1) LA -> Tony Clifden, Ireland (One of the funniest TAR episodes ever. From the starting line where Nic & Don stalled the rolling of the credits, to Ari’s infamous proclamation, teams taking several wrong turns, funny trips, funny falls, ironic quotes, inappropriate insults, and the word ‘bitch’ being used in about a hundred different ways, this was a very memorable opener.

The tandem bike was neat. The ‘sign up for X charter that leaves in the morning’ continued, and you know you can expect entertainment when high-strung teams are required to lead donkeys. Production has learned that the best way to eliminate a mean-spirited and/or crazy team is to give them a donkey. Look at Jonathan &Victoria.

Ari & Staella are the perfect first boots for this season. They came into the game thinking they were 150 to 200 percent certain they would win, but alienated themselves so early on that they were stuck all alone to complete the task and eliminated in the blink of an eye. I admire their ability to take their elimination rather well.)

2) Clifden, Ireland -> Ransdorp, Netherlands (I wish this round required more teamwork. The only way you had to have teamwork is if you chose the biking option for the Detour.

It was a short distance for teams to travel, and the whole task seemed to take no more than four to five hours in round two. I will give points for the ditch vaulting for being amusing even if it could be done in five seconds.

The round was completely character-driven. Everybody played in their necessary roles and made the round a treat to watch them play.)

Team Averages

Bulls— Bilal & Sa’eed N/A
— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Ari & Staella 11.0
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0
11th John & Scott 11.0
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0
10th A Black Family 10.0
— F +–
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.)
10th Kate & Pat 9.0
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Aiello Family 7.0
–D minus–
8th Tom & Terry 7.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
9th Rogers Family 6.5
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF
–D+–
10th Ernie & Jeena 6.0
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
7th Dave & Lori 5.83
5th Kami & Karli 5.8
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
6th Gaghan Family 5.5
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
8th Sahil & Prashant 5.4 FF
–C minus–
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33
7th Gus & Hera 5.29
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
7th Ray & Deana – 5.0 FF
7th Melody & Sharon 5.0
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th Fran & Barry 4.89
6th Howard & Sahran 4.88
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
7th Teri & Ian All Stars 4.83
7th Schroeder Family 4.75
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71
6th Brian & Greg 4.71
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
5th Uchenna & Joyce All Stars 4.33 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
–B minus–
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23
4th Linda & Karen 4.17
3rd Charla & Mirna All Stars 4.15
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11
5th Andy & Laura 4.00
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
1st Zabrina & Joe Jer 3.77
2nd Sandy & Francesca 3.77
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
–B+–
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
1st Eric & Danielle All Stars 3.62
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56
4th Monica & Joseph 3.50
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
1st Chip & Kim 3.38
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31
4th Godlewski Family 3.18
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17
–A minus–
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 3.17
3rd Weaver Family 3.15
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00
4th Hayden & Aaron 2.92
2nd Dustin & Kandice All Stars 2.92
2nd Bransen Family 2.85
1st Linz Family 2.77
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
–BEST OF THE BEST–
8th Rob & Amber All Stars 2.75
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny All Stars 2.67 FF x2
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF

Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)

11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF
18 legs Danielle 4.78
19 legs Teri & Ian 4.63 FF
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF
20 legs Charla & Mirna 4.00 None
21 legs Joe & Bill 3.71 FF
22 legs Uchenna & Joyce 3.64 FF x2
*31 legs Eric & Danielle 3.48 FF
23 legs Oswald & Danny 3.30 FF x3!
25 legs Dustin & Kandice 3.04 None
26 legs Eric 2.65 FF
17 legs Rob & Amber 2.41 None

* I determined Eric & Danielle’s average in this last section by adding up all of their individual points from TAR 9, then adding up their total points in All Stars and dividing it by 31.

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