TAR season 12 episode 1 ranking

TAR 12 episode 1

You know what I love about classic TAR seasons? Original starting points. New York City twice, Las Vegas once, Miami twice, Seattle once, LA thrice, Chicago once. It’s spread out nice and even. Now it’s just LA serving as the starting point every single dang season. Here’s to an original starting point for TAR 12!

hollywood

Oh. Right. -_- This is when LA starts serving as the starting point 90 percent of the time. Good ol production savings.

PHIL: This is LA. Home to Hollywood. The entertainment mecca for cheapskates.

Phil must be running out of excuses–er, introductions– for LA at the start of each season.

“The entertainment mecca”
“Dodger Stadium where the Dodgers play”
“Santa Monica Pier where people ride Ferris Wheels”
“home to where the last season of TAR had its starting line”
and who could forget “where me and Bertram got super wasted that one night and I woke up next to a prostitute a couple nights before we filmed the opening leg”.

All valid introductions.

phil

Phil Keoghan on top of a helipad as usual. He loves standing up top really tall buildings, skyscrapers, helipads, and even the top of fancy yachts. Wait a minute. You know who Phil Keoghan must REALLY be?

spiderman

That’s right. Who else would obsess over tall buildings and always cover up their neck?

spiderman 2

Sorry. Summer blockbusters are currently being released and I have superheroes occupying my mind.

jonathan tarp 2

So does he.

phil

Speaking of Phil’s neck, it is exposed here. I assume they are filming early in the morning. I guess he didn’t have time to pick up his Turtlenecks from the dryers before heading to film?

convertible

Classic convertibles get the assignment of transporting teams this year. Get it? Film Noir Movie Star mode of transportation.  Actual sweet entrances like speedboats in TAR 6 or helicopters couldn’t fit into the budget. Instead you’re in a convertible that can’t go more than 25 kilometres per hour.

– We are told the starting line is at the Playboy Mansion.

gmc mansion

The PlayBoy GMC Yukon Mansion, I should say.

I believe 2007 was a time when the trashy reality show The Girls Next Door were huge. Instead of being in Beverly Hills, you think the PlayBoy Mansion should be in Hollywood considering that Holly Madison would be with Hugh Hefner privately at the time.

Yeah, that’s pretty much the only PlayBoy joke I can come up with. I was going to reference Holly Madison as the one-night guest starring Ring Girl for UFC 100 because one of the ring girls (the Quebecois one) was fired earlier that day for getting drunk on the night of the fights.

– So who is the first team we get introduced to after we are told the PlayBoy Mansion is the starting point?

marianna julia

Yep. Marianna and Julia. Sisters. Applied to have free rent in the PlayBoy Mansion, but rejected due to not being natural blondes. The only part of your body that has to be natural in the PlayBoy Mansion come to think of it.

By the way, if you can hear this clip, Phil goes all out using his best Puerto Rican tone to pronounce their names properly. It’s like his way of hitting on them or something.

JULIA:  Marianna and I have the soul of a soldier.

the killers soul but not a soldier

Meanwhile this guy has soul but not the benefit of being a soldier.

Oddly enough, this was really popular in 2006-2007. Julia completely ripped off that quote.

MARIANNA: We’re going to use the advantages of a good looks of a woman and at the same time the competitiveness of a man.

mustang

“OH MUH GOD WE ARE SUCH TOMBOYS JULIA CAUSE WE’RE DRIVING A MUSTANG.”

By the way, they’re from Miami.

MIAMI MAMIS: 1 CALIFORNIANS: 0
– Now onto team #2. Ronald & Christina.

ronald christina intro

This has made me laugh every time I watch TAR 12. I mean, what is above them that is making Christina look so giggly and almost look like a smiling Disney cartoon character? I wish somebody asked this in an interview.

PHIL: From Tacoma, Washington.

NON-CALIFORNIANS: 2 CALIFORNIANS: 0

RONALD: When Christina was growing up I was traveling a lot.

Oh, good. While Ralph didn’t have a relationship with Laura because he didn’t approve of her being gay, or Jim not having a relationship with Marsha because he bought her copies of Clue Jr. and Monopoly Jr. on her 21st birthday, Ronald decides to use road travel as the reason why our third consecutive father-daughter relationship on TAR is estranged.

christina scooter

Note that this is the only vehicle that Christina has a license to operate–a scooter she received when she was 10. You know, back in 2001-2002 when everyone had a scooter.

CHRISTINA: I am extremely excited to get to know my dad. My father is almost sixty years old. I want to treasure every day we have left together.

That’s right. ALMOST sixty. Now that’s old. My dad is 63 and I agree–it’s like he will croak any minute.

– Want to see the biggest waste of a zoom-in ever?

license plate

Yes. Zoom in on a blurred out license plate! What a shot! Let’s show the audience the ONE thing they can’t see that our camera has picked up.

I mean, why zoom in on something that cannot be revealed in any detail whatsoever? All they’re doing is teasing with us with that blur.

EDITOR: We can see the license plate numbers. . .but they’ll never know! Muahaha.

It’s a bigger tease than showing all of the people inside the PlayBoy Mansion on basic cable television.

– So “who’s next?” as Goldberg would say?

kynt vixsin

What the f— is that?!

PHIL: Kynt and Vyxsin. Dating Goth couple from Louisville, Kentucky.

I love how Phil says “Dating Goth couple” as if it is a different type of dating. It’s in the same category as “dating gay couple” because gays and Goths are so much alike.

I guess it would be too boring to say “they are dating make-up artists who take their work too seriously” or “dating misguided fashion couple” or “dating high-maintenance couple”.

NON-CALIFORNIANS: 3 CALIFORNIANS: 0

– So what do these “Oh I’m Sure Kenny Will Grow Out of THAT Phase Eventually” team have to say?

kynt talk

KYNT: Goth is a celebration of beauty and art with a darker edge, and serves as a desperate cry for attention and individuality on the elementary school playground for thousands of years.

vyxsin smile

Smile! You’re on camera whoring camera!

VYXSIN: Kynt’s hot!

kynt goggles

Michael Phelps called. He wants his goggles back. And probably his bong considering you thought goggles atop your head was a good fashion choice.

vyxsin makeup

They even do each other’s make-up! Cur-aaaaazy. They’re really flipping the script! Get it? Cause only women do their make-up, and certainly don’t get their husbands to do it.

Husbands never ever put on their own make-up. Only thing they can do is paint nails if they live in Mozambique.

graveyard

Jesus. We freakin’ get it. They have wild hair. They wear too much make-up. They wear dark clothes. They like chains.
.
.
.
.
DO YOU REALLY NEED A GRAVEYARD TO DRIVE THE POINT HOME?

– As if THAT wasn’t clear they are Goths. . .

KYNT: For us, every day is Halloween.

kynt zing

Ziiiiiing. Get it? Cause they’re Goths!

I wonder how much sleep they sacrifice to put their wardrobe and make-up together. Do they not bother washing off their make-up before going to bed because they know they’ll have to re-apply by five o’ clock in the morning?

And I bet production made him wear a BLACK shirt and necklace that only consists of stars and skulls. Seriously.

– You know what else I love about Kynt & Vyxsin’s intro? They are the only ones in twelve seasons of TAR that never had to discuss or think about the race in their interview. What footage is usually shown from the audition?

“Here is how we will win. . .”
“These are our advantages and disadvantages. . .”
“Our relationship will produce a victory in the race because. . .”

But Kynt & Vyxsin’s intro ignores all of that. Here’s how theirs is:

“Gothgothgothgothgothgothgoth.”

– Now our fourth team. Nicolas & Donald. Grandfather & Grandson. If you thought Ronald was old, then take a look at this guy.

PHIL: Airline pilot and his grandpa.

nicolas donald

Got your chin.

DONALD: Nic is an airline pilot and at his young age it is a tremendous accomplishment.

donald push

Payback for the chin grab.

nicolas donald smile

The same expression they have when watching America’s Funniest Home Videos.

NICOLAS: He’s not your typical grandpa. He swears a lot, and talks about girls inappropriately.

Really? That’s not a typical grandpa? Oh, you are so right Nicolas.

cotton hill

Definitely didn’t talk about girls inappropriately or spank them each season or tell them they are pretty until he gives them the sign to stop eating.

abraham

Definitely doesn’t have a desire to date floozies every episode or only talk to his ex-wife until she refused to have sex with him.

frank everybody loves raymond

Definitely doesn’t hide out at the Lodge to not discuss women inappropriately.

And once we consider movies. . .

Sorry Nicolas, but your grandpa fits in right at home. Nothing unusual about him.

This is the first grandparent/grandchild team. Seeing how parent/child teams can’t get further than 9th after 3 attempts, I think it’s safe to say the whole world expects this team to be the first ones out.

– Onto team number five.

PHIL: Nathan & Jennifer. Dating for two years from Huntington Beach, California.

NON-CALIFORNIANS: 4 CALIFORNIANS: 1

Californians finally on the board!

nathan jennifer intro

They’re so in love.

JENN: Nathan and I, we’ve had some trust issues.

Oh. This is good.

JENN: He was unfaithful to me.

Jackpot!

nathan jennifer distant

They look oh so distant. Nate’s smile is gone.

JENN:. . .And it broke my heart.

NATE: It was definitely one of the biggest mistakes in my life.

Amongst some of the other ‘biggest mistakes’ such as. . .well, dating Jenn in the first place.

NATE:

nate jenn swimsuit

Oh. Now I understand why they were cast. California? Check. Worked out bodies? Check.

nate jenn weights

The saddest attempt I have seen at couples’ weightlifting. Watch Sandy & Francesca’s intro to see how it’s done.

NATE: Since that time I have been really trying to show this woman that I love her.

– Team number six. Azaria & Hendekea. And no, not Hank Azaria. We’re not going to that extreme of stunt casting. Yet.

azaria hendekea

PHIL: Azaria & Hendekea. Brother and sister. Both engineers. And cast to be a much brighter African-American sibling team than Tramel & Talicia from New Orleans.

hendekea liquid

As you can see, we have filled this green liquid about a quarter of the way in this beaker.

AZARIA: We have an advantage over the other teams in that we are more intelligent, physically fit,

hendekea soccer

I don’t know about physically fit Azaria, you did allow a super easy telegraphed shot go by you from your younger sister.

HENDEKEA: He’s gonna wanna dominate me.

How so?

azaria lincoln park

I see. Azaria is preparing for his venture into Lincoln Park.

antoine dodson 2

Time to set up the ACME Rape Trap.

HENDEKEA: I know I make good decisions. And Azaria needs to listen to those decisions.

– Team number seven.

lorena jason intro

PHIL: Lorena and Jason. Dating from Los Angeles.

NON-CALIFORNIANS: 5 CALIFORNIANS: 2

– Lorena wants Jason to make a bigger commitment than living together. Jason doesn’t know if marriage is the answer.

jason goatee

But shaving off that d-bag-ish goatee certainly is.

lorena energy

Can you figure out who the higher strung person in this relationship is?

lorena slap

Just a classic game of Slapping Each Other on a Log.

lorena surprise

She is surprised she just got Ernie’d.

– Let’s head to team number eight. Moving along quickly.

kate pat intro

Ewwww. Old people kissing.

kate pat pinkie

KATE: First of all, we’re a Lesbian couple. Second of all, we’re ordained clergy. And third of all, I can twist my pinkie finger really far back. And my double-jointed pinkie definitely causes people’s eyebrows to raise.

kate pat church

Overcoming the stereotype that urban Lesbian couples are hot one step at a time.

PAT: Kate and I are not wimps. Just because we’re Clergy doesn’t mean we’ll stand back and open doors for people and give them the first cab that comes along.

peggy claire

But will be projected as having as little success as they did.

NON-CALIFORNIANS: 6 CALIFORNIANS: 2

– Team number nine. . .

ari staella intro

The most obnoxious laughing I have ever seen.

staella laugh

And who in their right mind sticks their tongue out that far when they laugh?

– Ari crowns Staella as booksmarts and Goody Too Shoes.

ari staella work

We’ve got a sitcom!

ARI: I will do absolutely anything to win this race. I will backstab you in a hundred different ways.

I don’t think a no-holds barred, backstabbing, and deceiving attitude is ever rewarded on TAR with a million dollars. If only there was a show where backstabbing would suit Ari’s plan to win. . . .Nope. Can’t think of a show that entails those qualities.

survivor

Oh yeah. That show. I wonder if it was successful?

ARI: Karma is a bitch, but I’m a bigger bitch.

ari idiot

A bitch.

I believe that scene played out on The Ultimate Fighter 10.

rashad rampage

Treat me like a bigger bitch.

NON-CALIFORNIANS: 6 CALIFORNIANS: 3

– Now onto team number ten. Almost there.

PHIL: Shana & Jennifer, friends from Los Angeles.

shana jennifer intro

Yep. You can probably guess how they were cast. Shana was in fact an on-and-off again girlfriend of Ryan Seacrest, according to Wikipedia.

That of course means when Ryan Seacrest is on the air and on camera, he acts like he’s single. When the cameras were off he would be faithful to Shana.

SHANA: Jenn and I fully plan to flirt our way through this competition.

shana jennifer flirt

Well, it seems Jennifer has committed to that plan more than Shana.

shana look

Hey Jenn, look! The starting line for this season is right outside our house!

JENN: We’re going to use our body however we need to. We’re going to wink a little.

If their money was taken away at a non-elimination, I have a feeling Jenn would not hesitate to sleep her way to regain her funds back.

SHANA: If anyone is in the way of our million dollar shopping spree, we’re gonna knock them out of the way.

shana jennifer shop

And with that, Shana & Jennifer have successfully made every woman over the age of 35 in America absolutely hate them.

NON-CALIFORNIANS: 6 CALIFORNIANS: 4

– Alas it is the final team.

PHIL: TK & Rachel. Newly dating.

tk rachel intro

All dating couples must be shown kissing in some capacity, it seems.

tk talk

TK: For me, love at first. And because I went backpacking alone through Europe last year, I am therefore qualified to dress, act, and sound like a hippie. I am completely enamoured by Rachel.

RACHEL: I want to spend the rest of my life with TK. And I want to ensure my voice sounds exactly like Jennifer Tilly.

NON-CALIFORNIANS: 6 CALIFORNIANS: 5

– Can these teams stand the stress of traveling together across -only- thirty thousand miles? And who will have the right strategy and combination of brain, brawn, and teamwork to win? These are the questions waiting to be answered.

phil speech

Phil gives the speech. I have always wondered if the speech is really an hour long and must be cut down on TV for time constraints. The parts are edited out where he tells the teams what he really thinks of them.

And he loosens one of his buttons due to the informal nature of being at The Playboy Mansion.

lawn

Shortest run ever. The bags are merely across the lawn. Remember when they’d have to run through a mud field then across a parking lot just to get to their bags? Or across a whole park and up a couple flights of stairs? Or fall onto a nail on a pier? This run is ridiculously short.

– So Phil tells them to travel safe then off they go.

run

And how come there wasn’t a collision?

run 2

Or here?

– Kynt reads that teams must fly to Shannon, Ireland. Ireland? That’s fitting because yesterday I consumed alcohol for the first time in my life. It’s like TAR read my mind. Everybody has made it to their bags with their clue within twenty seconds by the looks of it.

gus armpit

Except Gus. He’ll get there. Eventually.

– So during the scramble teams jump into the first empty car they see. Of course, not knowing it is a very narrow road, whoever chooses the car closest to the exit is first. Regardless if they are first to claim the car or not.

Who ends up with the brains, speed, and agility to claim the car at the front of the queue?

nic car

Speedy Gonzalez and his pilot.

NICOLAS: Take your time, grandpa.

That’s right.

kynt wtf

What the f— is this?

kynt honk

Kynt uses his Gothic powers to honk the horn.

– Marianna honks the horn as well. It’s not like they’ll be waiting much longer.

DONALD: Let me count the money real quick.

Yep. Donald counts the money before Nicolas starts driving.

ari honk

Ari resorts to hitting his horn so hard like it’s a bitch.

ARI: Move bitch!

I thought only Mirna was capable of directly quoting Ludacris. At least she used that against Christie Woods as opposed to an ailing 70 year old man.

phil confused

Even Phil is confused as to what’s going on. Do they already need a replacement vehicle? Oh wait? It’s just that the biggest slowpoke ends up in the front car and they are thoroughly checking everything before take-off? Well, I can see why Nicolas has the record for youngest pilot ever. He is the epitome of cautious. I bet he is counting exactly how many condoms he has in his wallet every time he leaves the house as well.

He’s that careful.

And what better place to count condoms than at the Playboy Mansion.

– Everyone has no choice but to cheer that they are going to Shannon, Ireland. Eventually Nicolas & Donald move. The credits have waited patiently to roll.

nic don basketball

I wonder who won this game of Basketball. A 6’0″ 23-year-old or a 5’4″ 60-something year old.

ray deana detour 2

He’ll play the loser at a game of Checkers.

DONALD: I’m always shooting off my mouth. I would watch the race from home and tell my wife “S—, I coulda done that”.

Yep. His first race confessional and Donald is already under the assumption that he is better than every team ever. And so far, he’s right. He has been in first place for all two minutes of the race.

– Hendekea tells Azaria to go left. Don told Nic to go right. Staella tells Ari to go right. TK is excited about the cars splitting. He goes right as well.

– Staella predicts she won’t make many friends because of Ari. Vyxsin tells Kynt to go right but not before Kynt throws in another quality zinger.

kynt goth

Ohohohoho. Get it? Cause they’re GOTHS! Next he’ll suffer from Changnesia.

– Lorena tells Jason to go to the left. She screams she is from LA. We follow it up with another confessional that Lorena directly says Jason is much calmer than her. No kidding.

– Julia tells Marianna to go right. Marianna says it’s the wrong way but agrees to go right regardless. They admit they get verbal with one another but it’s out of love. Another LA team, Nate & Jenn, head left. Jenn explains how turning right is the wrong way. Good to know, Jenn.

– We see a montage of every team that has gone the wrong way.

AZARIA: My biggest fear is Hendekea not being ready and making me blow a gasket.

I’ve heard that expression so many times but I have yet to learn what a gasket is. Anyone know?

– So Hendekea is indecisive. Azaria pulls into a residence. Lorena & Jason cheer as they pass them on the road knowing teams are freaking out. Lorena starts crying already. Wow. All they did was turn right onto 405 South.

JENN: These bitches are following us.

Who are ‘these bitches’ that Jenn speaks of?

kate pat drive

Yep. The 50-year-old Lesbian Clergy. Referred to as bitches. That is a first, my friend.

KATE: No idea how to get there.
PAT: Let’s pray.

*facepalm*

– Christina talks about being the youngest in her family (just like I am by a mile). She says he treats her like a little one (just like I am by a mile).

CHRISTINA: I am looking forward to getting to know him as an equal.

RON: Watch your distance!

Yeahhh, that’s not happening.

– Shana giggles when she states she is Irish. I don’t get it. Nicolas asks for directions. Teams are stuck behind them. They are curious as they see Nic and Don turn around. Marianna & Julia follow. Hendekea jumps out to get directions.

AZARIA: Women and directions.

Misogyny and chauvinistic.

– Lorena & Jason and Nate & Jenn cheer as they enter the airport. Ron & Christina are told to go the wrong way at the toll booth, allowing the ‘bitches’ to pass em.

– Lorena & Jason’s mactor status has established them the first seats on the flight. Jenn is annoyed that the airport shuttle is going slow. This allows Shana & Jennifer and Kate & Pat pick up tickets.

– Azaria & Hendekea enter a shuttle. Nicolas sees their shuttle in the corner. It’s a big race to British Airways. Marianna & Julia make it on just in time. Nicolas & Donald stand still on the road.

JENN: The blondes totally stuck to our a–es.

Oh no. I have a feeling Jenn is going to be one of those who complains any time a team follows them.

– Nate & Jenn are fourth to have tickets. Marianna & Julia are fifth on the flight. Suspense builds as they wonder how many more tickets are available. The attendant refused to tell Julia how many more there are.

– Azaria & Hendekea are sixth and. . .rejected. Hendekea says they are overachievers who don’t take rejection well.

– The five teams board the first flight and are gone.

– Azaria & Hendekea borrow a woman’s laptop to discover more info about their first route marker. Apparently an English-speaking country isn’t good enough. Ron & Christina join them. It is indeed an alliance. Or as Azaria says, a ‘collaboration’. They ally based on their family bonds that they enter the race. That means they will be out early together.

– Azaria & Hendekea make reservations for taxis for The Collaboration on the second flight.

– The first flight (British Airways) connects through London while the other flight (Aer Dingus/Lingus) connects through Dublin. One of these flights is delayed due to heavy tarmac traffic. Can you guess which?

pat shake

Oh no, bitch please.

– Several headshakes like a South African travel agent in TAR All Stars. Aer Lingus launches into first at 1242pm.

– Ari & Staella steal one of the two taxis. Ari couldn’t be happier he stole a taxi. Azaria & Hendekea keeps theirs while Ron & Christina are guided by a local to grab a new one. How does Ari & Staella’s conscience feel about the fact he just stole a taxi?

ari smile

Pretty dang good.

– Hendekea commands they order another taxi while simultaneously asking to take off.

ARI’S DRIVER: Somebody rang up two taxis.
STAELLA: Uhhhhh, I don’t recall what he said.

Staella really can’t lie all that well.

irish driver

The driver agrees.

– He keeps them in their cab anyway as Ari insists they have the right people. Phil tells us that teams must head to Rossaveal Ferry where they will take a ferry to Inishmore, Island then find Teampall Bheanain, the world’s smallest church in the world, which sits at the top of the hill. I had to Wiki the names of these places because I had no idea how to spell them, and the fact Phil threw out four names in a span of three seconds. It must be a really long clue in their pack.

teampall

It’s safe to say whichever religious spirits entered this space have since abdicated because that does not look anything like a church.

– As if that wasn’t enough, they’ll sign up for one of three ferries in the morning–3 teams at 800am, 3 teams at 830am, and 5 teams at 930am.

– Ron & Chris are third in a cab. Kynt & Vyxsin fourth. Nic & Don fifth. TK & Rachel left out on the streets as the following flight enters. They see Marianna & Julia on the street.

TK: The sisters enter the airport more frazzled than we were.

You and Rachel were barely walking and simply looked around until you found a driver walking by you. That is nowhere near frazzled. Watch Ian in TAR 3 and you’ll understand the meaning of frazzled when you scream in an airport for a taxi indoors.

Or Flo.

– Two taxis are tailing Ari & Staella. Ron & Chris pass Ari & Staella. Azaria & Hendekea used a shortcut to be the first to sign up for a 445pm ferry. Nate & Jenn hope they can catch up. Ron directly confronts about the taxi theft. Ari & Staella deny they knew. Ron doesn’t buy it. I must say Staella is nowhere near a Goody Too Shoes. She has fully participated in each of Ari’s schemes.

ari lie

Honesty is a bitch, but lying is a bigger bitch.

– TK & Rachel, Nate & Jenn, Shana & Jennifer, and just forget it, ALL eleven teams are on the 445pm ferry. They enjoy the ride.

KATE: The Amazing Race is a love letter to the planet. The beauty of this Earth comes from God and we get the opportunity to hopscotch around it and love it. What a gift.

Where is this coming from?! How do you think of TAR in those terms?

scout

It’d be like something Scout would say. Did she date Scout or what?

– So several teams enter a couple of buildings and ask for directions to the Church. Several teams are told left (Marianna & Julia, Nic & Don, Ron & Chris) and the ominous music plays as they run. That means they’re wrong. All other teams run to the right.

– Kynt & Vyxsin pass Nate & Jenn on the run into 3rd place.

KYNT: Good job, Vyxsin. Little pink kitten.
KYNT: When it comes to tenacity. . .
VYXSIN: We are like little Gothic Energizer bunnies.

Get it? Because Gothic people are expected to have awful cardio from trying every brand of cigarette and experimenting with every illicit drug in existence!

– Nate screams at Jenn to run. She says to wait because she can’t. She can only walk. So much for her gym and professional dance footage. Wow. How can she not do it? Nate takes all of her possessions except her fanny pack. She still reduces herself to walking. In his frustration, Nate utters one of the funniest examples of overreacting.

nate jenn worst

Seriously? It’s like an exchange between Ron Burgundy and Veronica Corningstone from Anchorman. It’s just so over-the-top. Although I’d laugh harder if he said “If you don’t run I will not hesitate to cheat on you again!”

Granted the statement implies that his mistress is ‘less worst’ than Jennifer.

ron veronica fight

You’re a smelly pirate hooker! Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island!

– Nate gives Jenn her bag back.

JENN: I know I am not good at long distance sprinting!
NATE: Every other girl is beating you–
JENN: I DON’T CARE! DON’T COMPARE ME TO OTHER GIRLS!

So. . .does that mean he is free to cheat again?

The “I am not good at long distance sprinting” makes me laugh every time. She made up a type of athletics that doesn’t even exist. I recall this making my brother laugh really hard as well, and he didn’t watch much TAR back then.

– So Jenn says in a confessional that she is disappointed how Nate behaved, and doesn’t want to spend her life with someone who yells at her.

Likewise.

– The three teams that went right discover they made a wrong turn. Lorena & Jason sign up for Ferry#1. So do TK & Rachel and Kynt & Vyxsin. They occupy the three spots on Ferry#1.

kynt brag

Kynt goes ahead and brags. Any team sounds cooler when you insert “bitch-ass” in front of it.

– Ari & Staella, Nate & Jenn, and Azaria & Hendekea sign up for the 830am ferry. Nate kisses Jenn and is proud of her.

JENN: That was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

– The other five teams (Shana & Jennifer, Kate & Pat, Marianna & Julia, Ron & Chris, and Nic & Don) are on the trailing 930am ferry. Things go from bad to worse for Don.

DON: I CAN’T GET IT UP!

Well, he isn’t the only 60-year-old man to utter that statement.

don hide

Oh, he just meant his body in general.

don hide 2

I love how Shana tries to dispose of his body in the bushes.

– Donald eventually gets up with Nic’s help. Teams rest at a nearby lodge. Stereotypical music and lots of smiling.

nate smile

The only time Nate has been happy thus far.

– Christina was impressed with Kynt & Vyxsin so far. Azaria gave up his bed to Ron & Chris. Shana & Jennifer want to cry. Sunrise.

– TK & Rachel, Kynt & Vyxsin, and Lorena & Jason board the 800am ferry, but not before Vyxsin throws out another zinger.

vyxsin fairie

Two fairies on a ferry? Hohohohohoho! I get it! Cause they look RIDICULOUS to the average North American person! They are operating from the periphery! Oh muh Goth.

– 830am ferry. I already told you who was on that ferry. I beat Phil’s recap to it.

– 855am. First ferry lands. They read to drive themselves 42 miles to Cleggan Farm. Once here they will ride a tandem bike on a muddy trail to the next clue.  I wonder if Jenn can do long distance bike riding?

The three teams work together. Lorena & Jason run ahead to the van and pull out before the other two teams catch up.

LORENA: Please wait for them.
JASON: They’ll catch up.

lorena fake

The unhappy smirk that every couple experiences once per day. If Jason looked in the rearview mirror, he’d slow the f— down right now.

– The other two teams are concerned where the leading team is and where the heck they are going.

LORENA: They have the directions. We don’t.
JASON: You wrote them down, Lorena.
LORENA: Yeah, and we’re not going the right way on the directions they gave us.

jason ignore

Deliberately ignore directions? Ah, no problem. Luck of the Irish shall guide us!

JASON: I refuse to let you stress me out.

Oh boy.

lorena whine

LENNYYYYYY.

Good luck with that, Jason.

– Lorena is shouting at Jason. She starts whining and moaning knowing they are not going the right way, but rather to Galaway. They stop in a gas station and receive directions. Lorena finds out she was right and they did a circle around a bay they didn’t have to.

LORENA: I was right.
JASON: Well, you weren’t helping. You  were screaming.
LORENA: We’re not communicating well which is our problem in real life.
JASON: K. You were right. K.

Geez. He’s ice cold.

– The two teams who know how to communicate show up at the Cleggan Farm. Let’s ride.

– 920am. Second ferry lands.

– Goths start biking. The most ironic thing possible happens to them of all teams.

chain broke

For the first time in the history of Goths, they manage to have a tough time managing chains.

– The teams from the second ferry all show up to Cleggan Farm. A car comes up behind the teams. I assume it’s a camera crew. TK & Rachel have a clue. It’s a roadblock. In this roadblock that person must do a high-wire bike while suspended 200 feet above the ocean, and their partner is hanging on eight feet below.

high wire bike

Sahran would love this.

dreamteamer

Hi, I’m Dreamteamer O’ Flannigan.

– TK is doing it. I doubt Rachel’s feet could reach the pedals. Last ferry lands at 1015am. Donald is driving as opposed to a pilot. Shana & Jennifer are in last after asking for directions.

– Vyxsin is going to pedal after they pushed their bike up the entire hill. Nate & Jenn see them. After calling the pastors ‘bitches’, Nate & Jenn outdo themselves once again.

nate freak

Oh boy. Nate & Jenn are really aspiring to be the least popular team after round one.

– Nate will pedal. TK makes the funniest Chewbacca noise as he pedals. He is terrified as he bikes. And another Chewbacca scream. They read they must choose a donkey and fill each basket with fifteen pieces of peat to the entrance of the farm.

– Vyxsin goes pretty fast. Nate is on the verge of passing her. And he does so at the very end. Jenn sprints to the clue box. TK & Rachel have ‘double-counted’ their peat and run. Azaria is doing the roadblock followed by Staela. TK comments on the teams catching up.

donkey

Wonders why he has yet to be picked by a team.

– Ari chooses what he thinks is the loneliest donkey. He has a heart after all. Jenn manages to scream at Nate before the count of “15”. He merely says that god blesses her. Jenn comments Azaria is ahead of the “Freaks”. Lorena & Jason suddenly show up on the path. Azaria is SPRINTING alongside his donkey. The fastest donkey in the history of TAR. Ari’s donkey kicks another donkey. Nate & Jenn try to move fast in the midst of screaming. Ari’s donkey remains still. It does not enjoy company.

-(A team passes NATE.)
NATE: GOSH!
(Another team passes NATE.)
NATE: GOSH!

– Ari’s lonely donkey continues to be still. Again, it does not enjoy company.

ari threat

Let alone the company and threats of Ari. Meanwhile. . .

(Another team passes NATE.)
NATE: GOSH!
JENN: YOU CAN’T YELL LIKE THAT!
(DONKEY makes the funniest yelling noises ever. It’s like it is suffering from stress due to the yelling.
NATE: I don’t know what’s wrong with him.

nate hands

“Gosh, if yelling doesn’t work with this donkey, I don’t know what will.

– Nate & Jenn stop to cry. They view him as the most stubborn thing ever. Wow. They make Jonathan Baker look like a Yoga Master.

– TK & Rachel finish. They read they must drive 13 miles to the Connemara Heritage Centre. It’s the pit stop.  Their calm nature works. Hendekea thanks Eeyore and they begin the drive. They see TK & Rachel up ahead and assume they are going the wrong way. TK sees them drive in the opposite direction in their mirror. Goths follow the siblings. This triggers TK & Rachel to turn and follow them.

– Nate’s donkey continues to whine. Lorena & Jason pass them on the road. The three teams show up at the pit stop.

1ST: AZARIA & HENDEKEA

Yeah. They really know how to make up time. Azaria does a faux high five into a hug.

irish guy

How every Irishman over the age of 50 looks.

– They have won a trip for two to Banff, Alberta, Canada. They will spend five nights in a flooded out ski resort. and go on to Lake Lousie where more flooding exists. (this is written during June 2013 so a bunch of people just died in the floods and animals from the zoo litter Calgary’s streets. People were shocked that a town in Alberta called HIGH RIVER was flooded. Tomorrow people will be surprised that a major earthquake wreaks havoc in a town called Tectonic Convergence City).

– Azaria comments that people underestimate Hendekea and do not see the tiger that lurks within her.

hendekea tiger

Roar.

– Ari tries to lead the donkey by putting hay in front of its face.

2ND: KYNT & VYXSIN

– Ari shouts more insults at the donkey.

3RD: TK & RACHEL

– Ron sings Danny Boy as he rides the bike. Nicolas rides it before him. Ron kept the melody the whole time.

RON: Not bad for an old fart.
CHRISTINA: You’re awesome.
RON: Well thanks for your encouragement.
CHRISTINA: You got it. You were so awesome.
RON: If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t do it.
CHRISTINA: It was a piece of cake.
RON: I don’t want to disappoint you.
CHRISTINA: You never disappoint me.

“Thanks for your encouragement”? I have never heard a parent say that to their child ever. It sounds so. . .formal.

– Lorena & Jason finish the donkey. Nate & Jenn are standing still. Nicolas & Donald slowly pass them. Christina was surprised to see Ari shout at their donkey.

CHRISTINA: Donkeys have souls too.

Proof?

– Julia is doing the roadblock as well as Kate. Jennifer is last to do the roadblock.

Marianna & Julia, Kate & Pat, and Shana & Jennifer in 9th, 10th, and 11th? Maybe next year is the year for all-female teams.

– Marianna & Julia pass Ari & Staella until their peat falls. Nic & Don finish the task.

4TH: LORENA & JASON

– Kate & Pat catapult themselves to 8th during the task. Ari & Staella are dead last.

staella strangle

Maybe strangling the donkey will do the trick. Well, because they will get to pick a new donkey after they successfully suffocate it. A Race first.

SHANA: You’re a great donkey, I love you.
(Donkey proceeds to run and pass four teams as the donkey passes several teams.)

I think Shana successfully has the donkey pussy-whipped, as they say.

(RON’s donkey suddenly comes to a halt as SHANA’s donkey comes through.)

RON: Oh, you’re going to let the ladies pass you. You’re a gentleman, huh?

– Shana & Jenn complete the cycle as they pass Nate & Jenn. Suddenly they’re sixth. Shana & Jenn receive their clue.

jennifer kiss

Something is missing from this moment.

jennifer kiss 2

Kiss him, he’s Irish.

5TH: NICOLAS & DONALD

– Kate & Pat keep praising the donkey as they pass more teams. Ron & Chris encourage Nate & Jenn to follow them.

CHRISTINA: C’mon. Follow us.
NATE: OH MY GOSH!
CHRISTINA: No, you can’t yell at it.
JENN: Oh no. We’re going to lose. We tried everything we could do to push that donkey.

jenn cry

I tried yelling at it, then I tried yelling at it, then I tried yelling at it. WHY WON’T ANYTHING WORK?! It’s hopeless.

– Kate & Pat finish the task followed by Ron & Christina. Only three teams left on the course.

6TH: SHANA & JENNIFER

– Nate & Jennifer start pushing the donkey. Ari & Staella resort to physical coercion as well. Marianna & Julia pass Nate & Jennifer. Marianna & Julia have their clue.

– Nate & Jennifer have their tenth clue. Nate yells about the donkey but not in his over-the-top yelling voice, so it’s pretty much his normal voice.

7TH: RONALD & CHRISTINA

RON: Who’s your daddy?!

8TH: KATE & PAT

– Phil invites Ronald & Christina on the mat to join them. Ron starts crying and feels bad about being absent for a chunk of her life. She said she isn’t disappointed.

This is weird. It’s like they are eliminated and giving their farewell speech.

– Marianna & Julia beat Nate & Jennifer in a foot race to the mat by seconds. Nate & Jenn are relieved to hear that Marianna & Julia are ninth.

9TH: MARIANNA & JULIA

10TH: NATHAN & JENNIFER (unfortunately)

Which would make. . .

ari staella sad

Really hopes they copy TAR Asia’s format.

phil news

Ari & Staella, you are the last team to arrive. Since we don’t do that TAR Asia s— around here, I am sorry to tell you you have been eliminated from the race.

ari staella reflect

They reflect on the hierarchy.

Bitch = Karma
Bitches = Kate & Pat
Bigger Bitch = Ari
Biggest Bitch =
.
.
.
.
donkey

EEE-YOH! TREAT ME LIKE A BITCH, ARI AND RASHAD!

– Staella says Ari was great the whole time. Ari mistakenly attributes their loss to karma. Staella thinks it brought them closer because Ari was in it to win it.

Next Time on TAR: Ron & Christina realize they have a lot to figure out between them. And Grandpa goes Tarzan.

Confessional Count

MARIANNA.JULIA 2.1
RONALD.CHRISTINA 2.4
KYNT.VYXSIN 2.3
NICOLAS.DONALD 1.3
NATHAN.JENNIFER 2.7
AZARIA.HENDEKEA 4.4
LORENA.JASON 4.3
KATE.PAT 1.1
ARI.STAELLA 3.3
TK.RACHEL 2.1

Rank the Legs:

1) LA -> Clifden, Ireland (One of the funniest TAR episodes ever. From the starting line where Nic & Don stalled the rolling of the credits, to Ari’s infamous proclamation, teams taking several wrong turns, funny trips, funny falls, ironic quotes, inappropriate insults, and the word ‘bitch’ being used in about a hundred different ways, this was a very memorable opener.

The tandem bike was neat. The ‘sign up for X charter that leaves in the morning’ continued, and you know you can expect entertainment when high-strung teams are required to lead donkeys. Production has learned that the best way to eliminate a mean-spirited and/or crazy team is to give them a donkey. Look at Jonathan &Victoria.

Ari & Staella are the perfect first boots for this season. They came into the game thinking they were 150 to 200 percent certain they would win, but alienated themselves so early on that they were stuck all alone to complete the task and eliminated in the blink of an eye. I admire their ability to take their elimination rather well.)

Rank the Teams

1) Ari & Staella

Surprisingly, they don’t speak much in the premiere. It’s more of other teams talking about them, and Nate & Jennifer occupying a huge amount of airtime. Their edit was shoved to the side for most of the episode.

Those one-episode storylines in reality TV when players assume they will take the game down but get knocked out 45 minutes later (or early on when you’re 15 minutes away from your house) is always a great way to see contestants go down. It’s the reason why you like to tune into reality TV in the first place– because of the characters.

Karma and/or donkeys: 1 Ari & Staella: 0

Team Averages

Bulls— Bilal & Sa’eed N/A
— F minus–
12th Debra & Steve 12.0
12th Gina & Sylvia 12.0
11th Ari & Staella 11.0
11th John Vito & Jill All Stars 11.0
11th Vipul & Arti 11.0
11th John & Scott 11.0
11th Ryan & Chuck 11.0
11th Team Seinfeld/Avi & Joe 11.0
11th Dennis & Erika 11.0
11th Deidre & Hilary 11.0
11th Matt & Ana 11.0
10th Lisa & Joni 10.0
10th Kevin & Drew All Stars 10.0
10th A Black Family 10.0
— F +–
10th Megan & Heidi 9.5 (Wow. They sucked.)
9th David & Mary All Stars 9.0
9th Peggy & Claire 9.0
10th Meredith & Maria 9.0
10th Dennis & Andrew 9.0 FF
10th Russell & Cindy 8.33
8th Don & Mary Jean 8.2
10th Kellie & Jamie 8.0
10th Kim & Leslie 8.0
8th Danielle & Dani 7.8
9th Jim & Marsha 7.33
8th Aiello Family 7.0
–D minus–
8th Tom & Terry 7.0
8th Dave & Margaretta 7.0
9th Lena & Kristy 7.0
10th Hope & Norm 7.0
9th Rogers Family 6.5
8th Susan & Patrick 6.5
6th Lenny & Karyn 6.43
9th Wanda & Desiree 6.25
7th Paul & Amie 6.2
8th Steve & Dave 6.2 FF
6th David &Mary 6.13 FF
–D+–
10th Ernie & Jeena 6.0
11th Amanda & Chris 6.0
6th Andre & Damon 5.86
7th Dave & Lori 5.83
5th Kami & Karli 5.8
8th Michael & Kathy 5.8
7th Cyndi & Russell 5.8
9th Heather & Eve 5.75
5th Nancy & Emily 5.67
6th Gaghan Family 5.5
10th Alison & Donny 5.5
6th Tian & Jaree 5.43 FF
8th Sahil & Prashant 5.4 FF
–C minus–
4th Meredith & Gretchen 5.36
7th Monica & Sheree 5.33 FF
7th Marshall & Lance 5.33
9th Debbie & Bianca 5.33
7th Gus & Hera 5.29
6th Joe & Bill All Stars 5.25
8th Bob & Joyce 5.25
7th Silver & Gold 5.17
7th Ray & Deana – 5.0 FF
7th Melody & Sharon 5.0
9th Steve & Josh 5.0 – FF
9th Pat & Brenda 5.0 – FF
5th Fran & Barry 4.89
6th Howard & Sahran 4.88
–C + —
3rd Lyn & Karlyn 4.85
5th John Vito & Jill 4.8 – FF
7th Teri & Ian All Stars 4.83
7th Schroeder Family 4.75
6th Lake & Michelle 4.71
6th Brian & Greg 4.71
5th Erwin & Godwin 4.70
3rd Adam & Rebecca 4.69 FF
9th Duke & Lauren 4.67
5th Lori & Bolo 4.6 – FF
2nd Teri & Ian 4.53 – FF
5th Uchenna & Joyce All Stars 4.33 – FF
8th Shola & Doyin 4.25 – FF
–B minus–
3rd Ray & Yolanda 4.23
4th Linda & Karen 4.17
3rd Charla & Mirna All Stars 4.15
6th Mary & Peach 4.14 (Two failed FF attempts.)
5th Paolo Family 4.13 FF
5th Lynn & Alex 4.11
5th Andy & Laura 4.00
3rd David & Jeff 4.00 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny 4.00 – FF
5th Gary & Dave 3.89 – FF
2nd Kelly & Jon 3.85
1st Zabrina & Joe Jer 3.77
2nd Sandy & Francesca 3.77
4th Jon & Al 3.73
6th Charla & Mirna 3.71
–B+–
3rd Blake & Paige 3.69 – FF
5th Millie & Chuck 3.67 FF
1st Eric & Danielle All Stars 3.62
4th Mardy & Marsio 3.58 FF
6th Jonathan & Victoria 3.56
4th Monica & Joseph 3.50
3rd Andrew & Syeon 3.46
1st Freddy & Kendra 3.46
1st Chris & Alex 3.38 – FF
1st Chip & Kim 3.38
4th Kevin & Drew 3.36 – FF
3rd Brandon & Nicole 3.31
4th Godlewski Family 3.18
4th Dustin & Kandice 3.17
–A minus–
7th Peter & Sarah 3.17
9th Aubrey & Jacqueline 3.17
3rd Weaver Family 3.15
1st Reichen & DK 3.15 – FF
1st Uchenna & Joyce 3.15 FF
4th Derek & Drew 3.10 – FF
2nd Rob & Kim 3.08 – FF
3rd Ron & Kelly 3.00
4th Hayden & Aaron 2.92
2nd Dustin & Kandice All Stars 2.92
2nd Bransen Family 2.85
1st Linz Family 2.77
3rd Joe & Bill 2.76 – FF
–BEST OF THE BEST–
8th Rob & Amber All Stars 2.75
1st Flo & Zach 2.69 – FF
3rd Ken & Gerard 2.69 – FF
4th Oswald & Danny All Stars 2.67 FF x2
2nd Colin & Christie 2.54 – FF
2nd Tara & Wil 2.53 – FF
1st Rob & Brennan – 2.46 FF
1st BJ & Tyler – 2.46 FF
1st Tyler & James – 2.38 FF
2nd Frank & Margarita 2.38 – FF
2nd Kris & Jon 2.38
2nd Rob & Amber 2.31
2nd Eric & Jeremy 1.69 FF

Combined Team Averages (Repeats Only)

11 legs David & Mary 6.91 FF
11 legs John Vito & Jill 5.36 FF
18 legs Danielle 4.78
19 legs Teri & Ian 4.63 FF
13 legs Kevin & Drew 4.38 FF
20 legs Charla & Mirna 4.00 None
21 legs Joe & Bill 3.71 FF
22 legs Uchenna & Joyce 3.64 FF x2
*31 legs Eric & Danielle 3.48 FF
23 legs Oswald & Danny 3.30 FF x3!
25 legs Dustin & Kandice 3.04 None
26 legs Eric 2.65 FF
17 legs Rob & Amber 2.41 None

* I determined Eric & Danielle’s average in this last section by adding up all of their individual points from TAR 9, then adding up their total points in All Stars and dividing it by 31.

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