Big Brother Canada episode five “ranking”
Abridged version of the story so far:
– Suzette wins HoH by answering the phone. Nominates two people sitting the furthest to her left.
– Nominees band together to form an alliance. Win PoV.
– Suzette, after having time to get to know players, puts up confrontational Kat on the block.
– Kat goes home in a vote in which only Liza the Orange One supports her. 11-1 landslide. Biggest in BB history?
– Jillian wins a HoH that plays to her yoga.
– Several showmances form (Jillian-Emmett, Tom-Liza, Alec-Topaz, Andrew-romantic comedies). Secret deal between my fellow British Columbians (Peter and Alec) is put into effect. Danielle and Gary are outcasts.
– Aneal is nominated because many people are turned off by him. He is put up against Gary’s glittery gluttonish ways.
– Gary wins a physical PoV competition. Danielle volunteers to be the pawn. After plenty of fake crying, Aneal appears to be on his way out. Talla and Tom’s alliance is splintering after an argument over who has the rights to consume prized vodka. Another point in favour of MADD.
– No recap. We are introduced to Arisa Cox. She is ten million times better than Julie Chen. I don’t have a reason to avoid eviction nights anymore on Big Brother. The only reason why Chenbot has any fanfare is because everyone adjusted to how terrible she is as a host. The secret to The Price is Right’s success.
– Arisa leads us into the recap. Suzette’s reign as HoH ended when Jillian hung on the longest in the Lumberjack competition.
Really wishes lumberjack challenges will be a one-time thing.
– Jillian’s last minute decisions led to Gary and a “surprised Aneal”. He worked hard to cry while Gary put on warpaint. He proved his strength in a snowball competition. Jillian and Emmett got much closer which has made Tom paranoid.
– Jillian Liza started their own female alliance producing Jillian’s annoying babytalk. Peter and Alec’s secret coalition is revealed to the audience. Danielle works hard to be reinstated in Jillian’s good books. Of course Danielle took it too far by volunteering to be the replacement nomination which Jillian used as a way out at the PoV ceremony.
– Intro time. I wonder how they choose who gets to laugh or who gets to flip their hair in the two-second intro frame? I wish they would let me flip off the camera in mine.
– Episode five but we’re already at our second eviction. Arisa reminds us of the grand prizes. Aneal’s nomination was supposedly controversial, according to Arisa.
– Black and white. As if we needed more recap. Gary was happy to stick his safety in Jillian’s face. Danielle wonders if her being back-doored was the plan all along and her volunteering as a pawn is just a cover-up.
Yep. She is unhappy that she is 50/50 in terms of staying in the game. Aneal is ninety percent sure he is gone.
– Peter rounds up Alec and Emmett for a powwow to figure out what’s going on and who should be evicted. They head into the storage room.
That is the unhealthiest storage room I have seen. No wonder Suzette can’t lose any weight in the house!
– Peter informs them of the all-female alliance. Liza told Peter about the all-female alliance without mentioning that she was the one who formed it. Why Liza put that alliance together in the first place is beyond me.
– Alec thinks Aneal will do anything for him if he stays. But the other two are worried that Aneal is the one person who could bring all of the females together. It’s decided that Aneal needs to go this round followed by a female next round.
EMMETT: My last girlfriend broke up with me because she said I was heartless.
It is like the opposite of Kanye West’s situation. Although his situation took place in autotune, so that doesn’t count.
– Tom shouldn’t be questioning “his boy”‘s loyalty now that he has admitted to being more than willing to dump Jillian before any other alliance partner in the House. Emmett thinks Jillian will understand because they’re both from Nova Scotia.
Yeah. Nova Scotia is a land where friendships and f— buddies can survive (and thrive) through backstabbings and deceit. “Never Trust a Scotian” is what I was taught growing up.
– Peter informs us that there is not only a Shield, but there is Quatro (the Colby Donaldson shaving product?) which consists of himself, Alec, Tom, and Emmett. Peter thinks Quatro can run the House until they agree to end the deal. Reminiscent of Malcolm’s pitch for an all-alpha alliance on Survivor: Caramoan. Will either of those alliances work out?
– Peter and Tom have a conversation outside of the sauna. Tom tries to convince Peter that they need to eliminate Danielle ASAP. He reasons this because Danielle has her sights on Jillian, Gary is a loner without power, and Aneal will do anything he says.
Wow, nobody really gives Aneal credit for possessing any sense of agency, eh?
– Peter agres that this will be a good plan to take advantage of their own numbers. So Aneal is one of their own numbers?
– Alec tells Aneal not to panic. Alec is lying in the hammock as Aneal has wrapped himself in a blanket preparing to sulk.
ANEAL: Right now I have two choices–To be a warrior or a worrier. I am going to be a warrior. That will be my mode of attack.
– Peter proposes to Aneal that he could be saved. He informs Peter and Alec that his first target will be Gary because he doesn’t like him and is strong in challenges. Peter sees Aneal as a possible future mole. He thinks he can turn Liza and Tom to save Aneal. However, Peter tasks Aneal with the job of convincing Talla and Suzette to save him too. Aneal of course agrees to these conditions.
– Alec told Aneal to keep their names out of it to ensure they don’t look like the power players in the situation. Alec suggests to Tom to pitch a fake deal to Aneal. They will put a fake deal together. If Aneal exposes the deal to Peter or Alec, they can go ahead and eliminate Aneal anyway.
– So Danielle, Gary, and Suzette have a strategy session. Needless to say it’s the most unusual position ever.
DANIELLE: He’s got Emmett, Jillian, and Tom. That’s it. I don’t give a s—.
– So what is so unusual about this strategy session?
Luckily Danielle is a honey badger.
– Gary assumes everyone else is just trying to be nice to Aneal. Danielle tears up knowing she might be at risk. Suzette and Gary assure she will be safe. Danielle accepts that she will indeed be safe once Gary lists off all the names. She ends by saying she is much safer than Aneal.
– Aneal thinks his campaign strategy may be the best or worst in Big Brother Canada history.
In other words, is he better than Kat? Unless there was another hidden contestant that has been evicted in BB Canada, it’s Aneal’s only competition. Peter tells Aneal to not expose the deal him and Alec made. He’s not allowed to reference Alec and Peter when he campaigns for votes.
– Gary, Suzette, and Danielle are alone on a bed together again. Liza walks in on them saying she can hear them from the hallway. She confirms for Danielle that she is voting against Danielle. Liza begins to search for her green sweater. Danielle doesn’t think Liza was very reassuring. Gary defines her as a snake working for Tom. Gary assumes she is in the hammock and instantly begins trash-talking her. We never find out if Liza was close enough to hear Gary.
– Naturally, Gary wants to put on a fashion show. The women model while the men watch. 2013 is really a progressive year. It’s all a move for everyone in the house to have fun.
– Talla refuses to give out autographs. Danielle showed off the most skin. The males look like they are repulsed. Suzette feels ten times more attractive than she actually has.
– Jillian says she feels stupid doing this. Unlike Suzette, Jillian depicts herself correctly according to reality.
TALLA: It’s go time? Show time? Whichever one. . .This was all mine. No autographs. Maybe one.
DANIELLE: I showed the most skin so I got the biggest balls too.
This is why you shouldn’t have shown the most skin. You’re like Fallon Fox but the other way around.
– Invisible Topaz makes her appearance. Alec has the biggest reaction of all.
Imagine what would happen if Christina Milian was thrown in front of him. Liza is next but chose to wear a blazer. She thought all of the males looked “delicious”.
– The sultry music cranks up when Gary comes out. Andrew instructs the other males to control themselves. Tom loses it and the record scratches itself.
Gary claims this is his sister Zoander. Yeah. I hear the U.S. Supreme Court is going to vote on whether or not this is legal tomorrow.
ANDREW: She is gorgeous like milk chocolate. . .Big Brother has set me up with my showmance.
Again, imagine what would happen if Christina Milian was present.
– Tom claims this is his first introduction to drag. Uh, sounds like somebody has a big dark secret. The models reunite. Aneal praises all of the models’ looks. The males bow before them.
– Liza tells Aneal about the conversation she had with Danielle and Gary. She doesn’t like how safe Danielle feels.
– Gary asks Emmett and Jillian in the HoH room if the plan is solid. He thinks she has lost control. Jillian doesn’t seem too concerned, and assumes Aneal is still gone. Emmett agrees. Gary doesn’t think Aneal has given up enough for it to be locked in. Gary assumes it has switched. Gary exits as Jillian and Emmett cuddle some more. Jillian thinks she is a terrible liar.
– Emmett massages Jillian, insists it is out of her control, and requests her to get into her bathing suit so they can make out in the hot tub. Jillian agrees. Why take control of the game when you can let Emmett do all of that tough brain work and in exchange you satisfy your sexual lust on national TV. Everybody wins!
– Everyone is sitting outside. Danielle and Aneal tell us in the Diary Room individually that both of them feel safe. That doesn’t happen too often. Usually both nominees couldn’t be more paranoid.
– Arisa communicates with the House. Time to ask some questions. They show a tape of their habits. The men are all working out and drinking protein powder. Then Talla’s faltulence. Topaz sleeps constantly (attributes to her lack of confessionals). Danielle does her ballet. AJ uses a toothbrush as if he is a maestro. That’s why they are cast. Arisa is directly asked if she is feeling gassy. She denies it whole-fartedly.
That’s why I never make potty jokes ever in this blog. Go look through all 300 of my blog posts. Not one. Consider it a one-time experiment.
– Arisa recaps the rules of voting and that they have one last chance to plead their case. Their microphones are off which makes the audio tough to pick up. Aneal says something that is generic. Danielle wants everyone to play an individual game.
– Blah blah blah more rules. Alec votes first.
ALEC (Peter impression and flashes Shield): Danielle.
GARY (looking ordinary by his standards): Aneal.
3-1 for Danielle thus far.
3-2 Danielle. Commercial break before the next few votes are revealed.
– AJ (20, 000 eyebrow raises later): Danielle.
4-2 for Danielle.
ARISA: Will Liza vote for Aneal because she pushed hard for an all-women’s alliance?
Did she forget the part where Liza ratted on her own alliance that she created to Peter?
5-2. She meets Talla in the hallway.
If having the same hair colour, body type, hair length, and bubbly personality didn’t confuse first-time viewers enough, they’re wearing matching outfits. Production set that up poorly. How many episodes did it take me? Three? After blogging the heck out of it? Yeah.
Talla couldn’t be more excited to send somebody out of the House.
5-3 for Danielle.
6-3 for Danielle. Danielle is gone.
4-3 for Danielle.
Yep, he did it too.
– Aneal is under the assumption he is gone.
He has shed all of the fake tears he could fake cry in his life.
– Danielle is totally expecting an 8-3 vote against her when Arisa announces the results.
– The audience ooos and aahhhs. We hear Danielle sob onto Talla’s shoulders. Gary joins in on the hug. So does Topaz and Suzette. Gary cries too. Danielle storms up the stairs. She keeps muttering ‘what the hell’ to herself.
20 year old contestants have a tendency to be naive on competitive reality TV.
– The crowd cheers on Danielle as she sits down with Arisa. Too much cheering. Danielle adjusts her top. Arisa congratulates Danielle on how “far” she made it. Danielle was shocked. She is certain who voted for her to stay. She doesn’t feel bad for what she said in the diary room anymore. The crowd cheers on Danielle again. That’s the end of the interview as we get to see Goodbye Messages.
– Danielle cries some more. Tom apologizes and hates that she aligned with Gary. Liza claims she was her favourite person. Jillian apologizes. Peter says she is the first victim of Quatro. The words Danielle silently mouths is amusing. I think I see a c-bomb there.
– The classic booths are set up. Jillian sits on the bench because of traditional HoH rules. Competition is that they will be asked a series of questions about two houseguests. Respond how the majority voted and you stay. Vote in the minority and you are eliminated. Last question is a tiebreaker. Last player standing wins HoH. It’s been used at least fifteen times in BB.
#1: Who would you least like to get love advice from? Peter or Talla?
Peter is least wanted to give love advice. Liza and Topaz are both out. Poor Talla. The Shield is a better love guru.
#2: Who would you most want to remove batter off of? Alec or Emmett?
Majority went with Alec. Suzette, Talla, and Gary are booted. Alec looks like he is taking a nap.
##: Who will hold a grudge the longest? Aneal or Gary?
It’s Gary. Everyone stays.
#4: Who would most likely to hide a stripper past? Andrew or AJ?
Majority said Andrew. Alec is out.
#5: Who is more tweeted about by Canada? Emmett or Tom?
Everyone has said Emmett. He stays in.
#6: Who would have the toughest time if they were on slop? Topaz or Talla?
Everyone answered Topaz.
#7: Who will more likely bad mouth someone in the diary room? Tom or Liza?
Everyone answered Tom.
– Everyone advances to tiebreaker. Record number of chalkboards. Closest without going over wins. Classic BB rules.
How many litres of batter were used in the Batter Up challenge?
I’d go four digits on this one. One thousand? Peter wrote 15, 000. Clearly throwing it. Everyone is ready except AJ and Emmett.
PETER: 15, 000. Then 1, 500.
TOM: 1, 700
ANSWER: 3, 690 litres. Tom is HoH. He is PUMPED! Loud! Several microphones are hit by Tom Hugs.
– Arisa congratulates Tom.
ARISA: How does it feel? In one word.
And that’s the end of the episode. That commercial before a two-second clip was really necessary.
So what happened to Danielle’s Honey Badger status?